


JOHN: TRY TO UNDERSTAND

by MLP_Mike



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, HS Re-Write, Karezi, Shifting Relationships, SpaceTime, etc - Freeform, grimdorks - Freeform, rosemary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-02-04 17:30:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 81
Words: 449,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1787233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MLP_Mike/pseuds/MLP_Mike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Almost immediately after entering the game of SBURB, John Egbert is whisked away by Vriska Serket on a dangerous mission to kill Jack Noir. What follows is a twisting tale of sloppy rescue missions, brain washed brothers, alien prom rituals, romantic confusion, alternate dimensions, and time travel shenanigans. Needless to say, John has a hard time keeping it all straight in his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ACT 1 - PART 1

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. You feel the wind tug and pull at the skin on your face and you resist the urge to squeeze your eyes shut behind your glasses. In the future you would come to appreciate the wind and its invisible power, but for the time being, it’s really a little more than irritating

Maybe you’re being a little too harsh on the elements. Maybe the real reason for your subtle aggravation is really your situation as a whole. You are currently perched precariously on the back of a rocket car built for one, clinging somewhat desperately to the back of an alien chick’s t-shirt.

Yes, that’s right: rocket cars and alien chicks. This is your life now.

It’s hard to imagine that all of this started scant hours ago when you decided to play a video game with your best friends. Heck, you don’t know what is more disturbing in your opinion: the fact that all of this is happening or that you’re oddly accepting of it all.

You guess it’s a testament to your upbringing that you don’t curl up in a ball somewhere and cry until you wake up to hopefully find that everything has been some crazy, trauma-induced fever dream.

 _Rose would sure get a kick out of that._ You think.

Instantly a tiny voice, which sounds remarkably like your friend, starts to chatter rapidly in your ear.

_“Trauma-induced fever dream? Really, John? Are you insinuating that there might be hidden fragments of memory being repressed by your subconscious, incubating in the recesses of your brain and eventually giving birth to vivid hallucinations? You should tell me more about this dream you’re having. It’s possible I could help you to unlock the inner workings of your mind and bring to light any hidden ‘trauma’. There’s a book in my possession which could have some notes pertaining to the subject of blah blah blah…”_

Goodness, even imaginary Rose is jumping at the chance to peel apart your mind like a fresh orange and tear into the juicy fruit that is your inner thoughts. Dave would have been proud of that metaphor. With a little more irony you might even give him a run for his money one of these days. You doubt it though. Dave is simply the best there is and that's all there really is to say on the matter

You’re getting sidetracked. The alien chick is shouting something to you over her shoulder, but you’re having trouble hearing over the wind. You open your mouth to ask her to repeat herself, but suddenly there is a loud  _whooshing_  noise, an explosion, and then you are falling.

If your eyes weren’t frozen wide open, you would have shut them now with no complaints. However, as mentioned prior, your eyes are indeed open wide. You see a flash of blue, then black, then blue again, and then with a hard slap, you are engulfed in a sea of black.

For a moment you think that you’ve gone blind, until you realize that you’ve literally been “engulfed in a sea of black”. Bitter oil floods into your open mouth and you choke, clawing your way to the surface. Your head explodes back into open air and you wash down the oil with greedy gulps of air.

The alien chick is nowhere to be seen, but there’s no time to worry about that now. A glance skywards shows you that the remains of your rocket car is twirling down towards you in a ball of yellow flame. You have enough brain processing power to realize that floating in a lake of oil is not a good place to be with a fireball quickly closing in.

Twisting quickly, you spot the closest spot of dry land and furiously begin flailing your way towards it. The oil is thick like syrup and you find that it is much harder to swim in than water; paired with your panicked, nonsensical thrashing it’s nearly impossible.

Your father had given you swimming lessons once. You remember him taking you down to the neighborhood pool and trying to coax you into the deep end. To a small child the idea was mind numbing. The bottom of the pool seemed indefinitely far. You would surely die if you set so much as one foot into the water.

Even though that was years ago, you still remember being scared and wanting to give up. You remember crying and your father finally giving a single nod before taking you home.

You regret not trying harder then. If you had learned to swim you wouldn’t be in such mortal peril right now. The thoughts of your dad aren’t helping either. You wonder when you will see him again.

You’re almost resigned to being burned alive in your own pitch black, soup-o-death, when suddenly a rough hand grabs the collar of your shirt and hauls you forward.

“Stop thrashing around like a blind wriggler, jackass.” A harsh voice hisses in your ear. “You’re making this much harder than it has to be.”

You go limp and allow yourself to be flung unceremoniously onto the bank. You don’t need to look up to see who your rescuer is. You already know it’s your female non-terrestrial companion.

A loud  _crash_  signifies that the ruined rocket car has hit the oil and a wave of heat washes over you. You crawl a few feet further away from the shore so you stay thoroughly un-singed, and collapse in a heap. The Land of Wind and Shade wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t mostly composed of a highly flammable liquid.

You’re more than prepared to just rest for a while, but the rough hands are on you again, dragging you to your feet.

“Come on, we can’t stay here.”

You groan and stagger upright, fully regarding your travel partner. She’s nice enough, you suppose, although a little on the bossy side. Her skin is a dull grey, and two candy-corn horns protrude from her tangled mass of long, dark hair. One of the horns is shaped like some kind of stinger, while the other one resembles a can opener. Both look dangerously sharp. Her eyes are both yellow with blue irises, which is already weird by human standards, but with the added plus of the left one having a total of seven pupils. It’s gross, in a cool sort of way.

“Are you done gawking at me yet?” Vriska Serket snarls and grabs you by the elbow none too gently. “I told you that we need to go.”

“What was that?” You splutter as you stubble after her. “Why did we crash?”

“We’re being attacked, some of Jack’s cronies no doubt. We can’t be caught out in the open like this. We need shelter.”

She’s talking fast, like she’s speaking whatever comes to her mind. It takes a moment for you to realize that she is nervous. That, more than anything else, terrifies you. In the short time you’ve known Vriska you’ve never known her to be anything short of fearless, almost to the point of indifference to all the danger around her. You know things are serious when Vriska is taking it seriously.

As you dash across the open ground you throw a glance over your shoulder. The lake that the both of you landed in is an undulating wall of flames, reaching up with its smoky hand to touch the sky. You’re glad it’s a lake, if the ocean was set alight the whole world would burn. You have no idea what you would do if that happened.

_“Probably roll over and stick your paws in the air like an adorable puppy, but instead of being rewarded with a loving belly rub, you’re being fried like meat patty on a grill in the middle of blah blah blah….”_

Turns out imaginary Dave isn’t much better at being actual Dave, and then imaginary Rose is at being actual Rose. Not for the first time in a while, you wish that your friends were here. They would know what to do.

Vriska is pulling you towards the salamander village and you consider protesting. You have nothing against the villagers; it’s just that if you are indeed in danger, it doesn’t seem fair to drag the peaceful LOWAS inhabitants into the strife. You’re about to recommend going elsewhere when something whizzes by your ear.  

You turn and find three black imps advancing towards you. They’re brandishing rifles and yelling at you with low, gravely voices.

“Stop in the name of the law!” Roared one imp, apparently the leader.

The hands are on you again and this time Vriska is shoving you to the ground, out of harm’s way.

“Whose law should we be stopping for?” Vriska snaps as she puts herself in front of you. “You filthy bulge suckers!”

A few emotions flit through your brain: frustration that Vriska thinks you need to be protected, anger that these imps are shooting at you, and finally a third feeling that is hard to place. It’s strong though and as you look up at Vriska standing before you, it fills your chest with warmth. Before you know what’s happening, you’re back on your feet.

You don’t know if Vriska said “bulge suckers” as an insult or if that was actually what these imps were called, and frankly you don’t care at the moment. Right now, they were just another obstacle in a long list of obstacles and you aren’t about to let Vriska face them alone.

“Jack Noir,” The first imp snarls.  “We have been ordered to capture all humans.”

 _Capture all humans?_ You repeat thoughtfully.  _Jack Noir?_

It seems that the more things you find out, the less you understand. Karkat had told you in a previous conversation that Jack Noir had been their friend during their session. Why would Jack start working against them all the sudden?

You resolve to find answers to your questions soon enough. If the humans are being rounded up, then your friends are in danger and you have to warn them.

“Well you can tell Jack Noir to suck it!” Vriska suddenly lunges forward, her eight dice spinning from her fingertips towards the imps.

Your hammer is now in your hand, there is a flash of light, and then all of the imps are dead.

“What?” Is the first thing that comes that comes to mind, and also from your mouth.

“Oh sorry.” Vriska chuckles. She’s stepping over the dead imps and reclaiming her dice.  “Were you looking to get in on the action?”

You put your hammer away somewhat sheepishly. You have to give Vriska some credit; she’s truly a badass fighter/adventurer/everything.

A low moan draws your attention to one of the imps. One is still alive, albeit with a gaping hole where his stomach used to be.

“W- Water.” The imp croaks feebly.

It’s a weird request. In his position, you probably would have asked for a new stomach.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have any…” The words die in your throat when the imp’s head explodes.

You wipe off your glasses and look up to see Vriska smirking. Your chest fills once again with warmth. A different kind of warmth that is much easier to identify.

“What did you do that for?” You snap, surprising yourself just as much as her with the outburst.

“Uh…” Vriska pretends to contemplate, tapping a long nail against her chin. “Maybe because they tried to kidnap you?”

“He was hurt! He wasn’t a threat anymore.” You don’t know why this is so important to you all of the sudden. You’ve killed dozens of imps in the past. But then again, you’ve never heard one speak before. Somehow that made them more human. It made everything more real. “What’s wrong with you?” You demand.

“That’s a good question, but one that would take simply too long to answer.” She turns on her heel and strides away from you. She doesn’t look back to see if you’ll follow her. She already knows that you will.

You take one last look at the imp, frowning, and then jump up and race after Vriska.

“I’m sorry,” You mumble at the back of her head. “It’s just… maybe you didn’t have to do that?”

“Do what?” She doesn’t turn around.

“Kill him.”

She simply shrugs and continues walking. You’re about an inch taller than her, but for some reason you have to trot to keep up with her stride. You stare at the back of her head, trying to see through the unruly hair and into her head. It’s impossible though, you were never good at reading people. That was Rose’s thing.

You suddenly remember that you should contact your friends and tell them about the imps.

Your hand goes to your glasses and you tap a finger against the thick frame. A streak of violet flashes across your lenses and then Rose is speaking in your ear.

“John?” She answers.

“Hey Rose, where are you?” There’s no point in wasting time on pleasantries. People are in danger.

“Still on LOLAR- where you left me when you went flying off with your new troll friend on a dangerous, and if I may say, fool-hardy mission.”

You can hear the venom in her voice. She’s mad that she got left behind.

“I’m sorry I cheezed it Rose, but Vriska says that the only way to finish this game is to beat Jack Noir and the faster we do that the better.”

“But just the two of you? John, you may think that Vriska is powerful, but from what I’ve heard from the other trolls Jack Noir is almost unstoppable. You should wait until we can organize a more effective attack strategy.”

Even though you’re already struggling to keep up with Vriska, all the while trying not step in anymore oil puddles, you take a moment to squeeze the bridge of your nose between your thumb and index finger.

Rose isn’t telling you anything you don’t already know. You’ve repeatedly tried to convince Vriska to call off this assault, but she never listens. The alien warrior seems hell-bent on taking you to attack Jack Noir head on, regardless of whether or not you feel equipped enough to fight him.

“I knoooooww.” You groan. “But Vriska won’t listen. Look, this isn’t the reason I called anyway. There’s something you need to know.”

You quickly inform Rose about crashing the rocket car and the subsequent attack/kidnapping attempt by the imps.

“Hmm, it seems that Jack’s strategy to win this convoluted game of chess is to remove all of the pieces.”

“But why not just kill us though? Why does he want us alive?”

“Your guess is about as good as mine. I will try to consult with the other trolls and procure an answer though.”

“Okay, sounds good. In the meantime, stay hidden and be on the lookout for any imps, okay?”

“Understood, fearless leader.”

“Rose, ugh. I’m not your leader, I’m your friend. There’s a big difference.”

You hear a slight giggle almost intelligible. If you hadn’t been paying attention, it’s likely you wouldn’t have heard it.

“Statements such as that further qualify you as the leader.”

You can  _hear_ her little smirk through the airwaves.

“Whatever. Listen, I got to go Rose. Promise me that you’ll stay safe.”

“I’ll promise, on the condition that you agree to keep yourself out of harm’s way as well. Rushing head-long into a battle is out of character for you, John. It’s my opinion that Vriska is a bad influence on you. Just… don’t let her bring you down.”

Something about Rose’s tone gets to you. It’s not her usual sarcasm or cynical stoicism. You think she might be… concerned?

You don’t know why you’re so surprised by this. She is your friend after all. Maybe it’s just nice to know that you’re not the only one concerned with the safety of your friends?

Maybe it’s nice to know that she’s worried about you too.

“Uh, Thanks Rose. I guess.”

“Consider it no trouble.” There is a pregnant pause. “Shall I inform the rest of our party to be on the lookout?”

“That would actually be awesome.” You look ahead at Vriska, who is still striding along confidently. As much as you would like to talk to Dave and Jade, you have other pressing matters. “I have other pressing matters,” You tell Rose. “If you could please just make sure everyone gets the message.”

“Understood, over and out.”

The streak of violet flashes across your vision again and for a second you mourn its passing. For some unknown reason, you’re smiling.

“Who was that? Was it  _little miss perfect_?”

Vriska’s voice wipes the stupid grin from your face and deflates your good mood. She’s looking over her shoulder now, her brow knit, and her lip raised in a snarl. She looks pissed.

“Um… yes?” You’re unsure what got her feathers all ruffled, causing your affirmation to come out more like a question.

“Oh, well what did she have to say about it?”

“Say about what?”

“About me killing that imp? Did she agree that I should be condemned to a life of remorse? Did she suggest that you put me in  _time out_?”

“What are you talking about?” You’re honestly confused. You had honestly forgotten about Vriska’s violent act whilst conversing with Rose. In fact, you were prepared to drop the subject all together, considering Vriska’s apparent lack of concern.

“I bet you both had a nice long talk about how evil I was, huh?” Vriska has come to a stop outside one of the salamander’s homes and is now glaring at you with a fierce intensity. She continues to talk in a high pitched voice, most likely a poor imitation of Rose. “ _Oh, mean old Vriska killed an imp, we should throw her in prison for the rest of her miserable life like the bluh bluh huge bitch she is_!”

You are completely stunned. Where the hell had this come from?

“For your information, I didn’t even  _tell_  her what you did back there. I understand that you don’t really want anyone else to know about it.”

“Pshhhhh.” Vriska’s lips flap with a heavy expulsion of air. “You think I give a shit whether or not people know I killed an  _imp_? Everyone already knows I’m a ruthless bitch. You piss your little pants if you knew how many imps and trolls I’ve killed.”

“You’ve killed trolls?”

It’s very quiet now. There are no salamanders milling around the village, all doors and windows are shut, and it’s just the two of you standing alone outside the house.

So Vriska’s killed her fellow trolls. That’s news to you. The murder of the imp was shocking, sure, but you could accept the fact that they were the enemy. Trolls though… trolls were like Karkat or Kanaya or Vriska. They were sort of your friends and the thought of any of them dying made your stomach churn, even Terezi who you probably like the least on account of her getting you killed earlier. It’s a long story.

“Uh… who, um, who were they?” You resist the urge to look at your shoes. “The trolls, I mean, the ones you killed.”

“No one you know.” Vriska crosses her arms and steps over to the salamander home to lean against the wall. “This was before the game, back when there were a lot more of us.”

You shove your hands in the pockets of your jeans and kick the ground idly. You guess the mission to kill Jack Noir isn’t all that urgent if Vriska isn’t opposed to just talking for a while. You have no objections. It seems important to Vriska that she talk about this. You doubt she has done so before.

“Why did you kill trolls?” You pretend to be uninterested, all the while thinking of what she might answer. “ _Because it was fun, because I was bored, because of reasons…”_

“I had to feed my lusus.” Is what she says instead.

“Your luscious?”

“No jackass, my lusus. The closest thing I can compare it to would probably be your adult male guardian.”

 “My dad? So your lusus is like your parent?”

“If that makes it easier to understand, sure, why not?” You watch Vriska pick at a loose string on her t-shirt and you realize that she is nervous again. “She was basically a huge spider that lived under my house. When I would go out FLARPing sometimes I would bring back prisoners and feed them to her. It was the only way to keep her happy.”

You take a second to process information. Vriska wasn’t so much a killer, you realize, but a servant to her “spider-mom” or whatever. You pick your next question carefully.

“Do you feel bad about it? Feeding the trolls to your loosish or whatever.”

“Lusus, and… I don’t know. Does it matter?”

You shrug, honestly you don’t know if it matters or not. Troll culture is still a foreign concept to you, but from what you’ve learned so far Vriska wasn’t doing anything wrong. In fact, by eliminating weaker trolls, she might have even been seen as some kind of paragon of virtue.

Like Batman, or Nic Cage in Con Air.

God, that movie is so sweet.

 It takes a moment for you to realize that Vriska has started talking again.

“I mean, it was fun catching them and stuff, but afterwards… they all used to scream, you know? Like… I don’t know, none of them just accepted it. No matter what they said or how loud they were, I just- Jegus why am I even telling you this…”

Vriska stiffens when you put your arms around her. You half expect her to break your nose, but she doesn’t. It’s kind of like hugging a piece of wood, a fence post or something equally awkward.

You’ve never really comforted anyone before. Sometimes Dave would pester you after a hard fight with his Bro, another loss, and you would tell him to just try and do his best next time. Sometimes you would stay up late, chatting with Rose and just listening as she described all the passive aggressive ploys her intoxicated mother pulled on her. And sometimes Jade would complain about how her grandpa never took her on his grand adventures.

But you’ve never  _comforted_  anyone before. You’ve never held someone in your metaphorical hands, wielding the power to piece them back together or to leave them unfinished, broken like one of Dave’s shitty swords.

You don’t really have a plan, you never do. You just start talking.

“It’s okay to feel bad about what you did.” Somehow she gets more rigid. “It doesn’t mean that your weak or stupid, or whatever. Sometimes being strong isn’t about how nonchalant you can be, it’s about… accepting things and then… moving on. I don’t think you’re a huge bitch, Vriska. I think you feel kind of bad about yourself, and that’s a good thing, I think. It means you’re not evil… I think you’re nice.”

You finish awkwardly and step back from her even more awkwardly. You don’t expect to have made much of an impact. As stated prior, you’re flying blind here. Therefore, you’re surprised to see that Vriska is crying.

“Oh- oh geez… Vriska, I’m sorry. Just…”

“You think I’m nice?” She wipes blue tears away from her eyes and gazes at you with an open uncertainty, as if you hold to power to make or break her in this single moment.

“Of course.” You answer automatically. “You’re cool.”

You’re surprised when she starts laughing. Her hands come to her mouth, ineffectively holding in a high pitched, shrieking cackle.

Your shoulders sag. For a second there you almost thought you had made some psychological breakthrough of such proportions that even Rose would have allowed you praise. Oh well, at least you tried.

“Oh damn,” Vriska comes back to earth. “You are so bad at this.”

“At what?” Your mind is now elsewhere.

“At this.” She motions between the two of you with her hands quickly.

You are confused.

“I’m confused.” You say. “What’s ‘ _this’_?”

Vriska heaves a great sigh, as if she’s trying to explain something impossibly simple to someone impossibly stupid.

You let out a very unmanly screech when she lunges forward and grabs two great fistfuls of your shirt.

“This.” She hisses and then smashes her lips against yours.

You’re taken aback at first. Your eyes are open wide and your arms flail about feebly as if you’re drowning once more, but instead of in a lake of oil, you are submerged in a frenzy of black hair, grey skin, and soft lips.

Her nails are still buried in your shirt and she is dragging your forwards, towards the salamander’s house. She steps easily over the porch step, even though she is walking backwards. You stumble slightly over the step and Dave is suddenly in your head again.

_“I warned you about those stairs, bro. I told you, dog.”_

You make the mistake of opening your mouth to laugh. Vriska takes this an invitation to slither her tongue in between your teeth and proceeds to beat your own tongue into submission.

You don’t really know what to do. You doubt you could fight her off and you’re not really sure that you want to. You glimpse the inside of the salamander home, a closet doors, a hall leading to a kitchen, a frightened group of salamanders sitting around a table, and then finally you’re being shoved onto a couch.

It’s smaller than your average sofa and made of some spongy material probably native to LOWAS. You resolve to investigate the furniture later when you aren’t being mauled.

Vriska pins you beneath her and straddles your waist. She starts tearing at the buttons of your shirt.

“Uh, Vriska.” You swallow and put your hands gingerly on her shoulders. “I don’t think we should do this.”

 “Oh yeah?” She succeeds on unfastening the buttons and starts raking her sharp nails down your chest, leaving long red lines.

You shiver and press on, ever the gentleman.

“Well I mean…” You swallow again. Why is there so much spit in your mouth? “I don’t think things would work out between us. Like, shouldn’t we get to know each other first?”

“John, John, John…”  She grabs the hem of her shirt and pulls it up over her head. You whimper quietly. “You’re cute and all, but I wasn’t thinking of anything quite so… permanent.”

She descends upon you and your mind goes completely blank. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just something I wrote randomly. It does not fit into the Homestuck story-line or anything. It's just for fun.  
> If you have an opinion please share it :D comments and criticism are welcome. I may or may not continue this.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	2. ACT 1 - PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible Triggers: Dub Cons

=> Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. John with his pubescent awkwardness was starting to get on your nerves. 

You are currently in the Land of Heat and Clockwork, making your way slowly but surely towards this sweet looking temple situated above an ocean of bright, red lava. It’s hot, like really hot. Like you could fry an egg on just about anything, even the sidewalk, if LOHAC had sidewalks.

Sweat is causing your shirt to stick to your back and slick palms make gripping your katana seem like a chore. You’re _almost_ jealous of Jade for a second. (You say ‘almost’ because there’s no one else you would rather be than Dave fucking Strider. You are simply the best there is and that’s really all there is to say on the matter.) Jade was lucky enough to end up in the Land of Frost and Frogs and therefore isn’t forced to contend with the sickening heat and non-stop clacking of gears.

There’s an imp standing on the path leading up towards the temple. Without even blinking, you slice it in half.

It’s a mistake to start thinking about Jade. The thought of her fills you with emotions and every cool dude knows that emotions are _not_ cool. At least that’s what Bro taught you… right?

You swish your sword again, this time at empty air, just enjoying the sound that comes from cutting the wind.

Another reason you shouldn’t think about Jade is that: once you think about one friend, you think about all of them. Your sister, Rose, who was somewhere in the Land of Light and Rain, working with her new troll friend to unlock the secrets of SBURB and then John, who is probably dead.

You swing your sword again, this time harder. The wind complains with a high-pitched whistle as the steel cleaves it in two.

What was John thinking? Going off with that weird alien chick, like everything was fun, like everything was some big game. He should know better than to trust strangers, let alone female-strangers, let alone alien-female-strangers, let alone psychotic-alien-female-strangers.

Terezi’s words race through your head once more.

_“Hey cool kid, your friend and his new girlfriend are going off to fight Jack Noir. But listen up: they are going to fail… I know it’s a lot to take in, but trust me, I’m a seer. I saw it happen. John and Vriska will not beat Jack Noir. Do you know what that means? It means that you’ll have to do it. Hehe. But don’t worry Dave, I’m going to help you!”_

John and Vriska destined to fail. You would never admit this to anyone, but if John died… You don’t like to think about that.

What’s worse is that now Terezi seems hell-bent on schooling you to be some ultra-god-mega-warrior, which would be cool and all, if only you weren’t already an ultra-god-mega-warrior.

 _“But Terezi,”_ You had said. _“Do I really have to go through with this stupid Temple of Doom bullshit? Maybe instead, I can go help out Egbert? Maybe they’ll succeed if I lend them my body, but in the non-sexual way. As in: I drop some ill beats as I raise my sweet katana and blast through Jack Noir like Scott Summers through a piece of ruby-quartz.”_

Optic-Blast. Sweet.

 _“NO DAVE!”_ Terezi shrieked in response. _“Then you’ll end up all messed up too! We can’t have that. Go to the temple, Dave, get awesome, and then we’ll talk about fighting Jack, okay? There’s nothing you can do to help your friend now.”_

Her last sentence is what got to you the most.

_“There’s nothing you can do…”_

You call bullshit.

Jogging up the path towards the temple, your sword swishing lazily though the air, you make a promise to yourself: After you complete whatever nook-sniffing side quest Tz assigned to you, you are going to find your best friend and make sure he’s okay.

_“And if he isn’t? What if you’re too late?”_

_“Shut the fuck up inner voice that every once and a while brings up my darkest fears!”_

_“… Okay, sorry… geez.”_

Up the path, through the front doors, and into the temple you go. It’s all an angry red that would irritate the eyes of any normal fella. Thankfully you’re protected behind your sweet panes of darkened, reflective glass. Also known as your shades.

They were a gift from John.

_“Dammit man! You aren’t supposed to be having emotions! What the hell is wrong with you?!”_

You make your way towards the center of the temple. You’d expected there to be some kind of resistance, maybe a few imps or goblins or something. However, the place is boringly empty.

There is a raised pedestal before you. On top there is a sword stuck in a smooth red stone, reminiscent of King Arthur or some other equally cliché’ d piece of garbage.

 _“Is this what Tz wants me to do? Pull the sword out of the stone_. _Laaaame.”_

You reach up and tap against your shades, a line of color (you guess Cyan? But who really cares about all the different shades of blue) ripples from the center of your lenses, drifting towards the outer edge. Soon enough, a high-pitched cackle fills your ears.

“Hey there, cool kid. Hehe.” Terezi answers.  “I was wondering when you would give me a call.”

“Well you can cease your wondering. Like a shining knight in immaculate armor I have swept by on my sick-awesome chariot to sweep you off your feet and ask you a question.”

“Ask away, fair knight.”

Of course Terezi would latch onto that particular metaphor. When you two talk, it’s either always about how good the color red is, or how much she likes to role-play. Every so often she’ll toss in a prophecy about your best friend in the whole wide world biting the dust, but that’s whatever.

“I’m at this temple, which more closely resembles the inside of an over-ripe tomato. There’s this lame-ass-looking sword sticking out of the rock and I was wondering what I should do next.”

“Well Dave, you’re supposed to liberate the sword from its earthy prison.” She sounds kind of annoyed. “I thought that seemed pretty self-explanatory.”

“I just wanted to make sure.” You’re careful to toss in an extra note of deadpan to your voice, just to illustrate how little you care. “After I pull it out, then I become an ultra-mega-awesome-warrior?”

“An ultra-god-mega-warrior, Dave, and no there’s one other thing you have to do after that.”

“What?”

“You have to die! Hehehehehe!”

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. There’s so much unbridled anger rolling around in your gut. It’s like two ferrets wrestling over a third ferret, who is dead and the other two ferrets are trying to eat it.

The source of your blood-red fury would have to be Terezi’s insistent cackling.  You’ve never heard her laugh this much, which is saying something as she typically shrieks with joy at every little thing. You’re one third annoyed and two thirds jealous.

_“Dave fucking Strider and his stupid sunglasses and his stupid poker face.”_

It’s bad enough that Vriska has disappeared from your home base, running off on some suicide mission with the John Human, but now you have to deal with Terezi’s blatant flirtations with another quarter of the humans numbers. It’s almost too much to handle.

You gut twists a little bit more as you hear the lyrical voice of Kanaya as she pleasantly chatters away into her headset, talking to the Rose Human. You’re slightly less annoyed by that, you can trust Kanaya to take care of business, to figure things out and get stuff done.

You can trust Vriska to screw everything up and you can trust Terezi to be so god damn cute that…

Another round of laughter fills the air and you shoot filthy eye-daggers in her direction.  You gnash your teeth and grumble something that rhymes with “smider”

You push away from your computer, not caring that your chair falls over backwards from the force. Stalking over to Kanaya you step over a pile of Gamzee’s honk-makers and tap her a little forcefully on the shoulder.

The song that is her voice comes to an abrupt halt and she turns her neck to set her deep green eyes upon you.

“Give me a moment.” Kanaya speaks into her headset before taking it off and giving her hair one quick swipe. It falls perfectly around her ears and horns. “Something on your mind Karkat.”

It’s not a question.

“Just wanted to check on how the plan is progressing. Have you and the Rose Human worked something out?”

Kanaya nods and you notice a faint tinge of green around her cheeks as she speaks about the human girl.

“We have both come to the conclusion that the human’s session is unbeatable, therefore it becomes plain that they must initiate the scratch in order to reset. Also it is imperative that they destroy the green sun to weaken Jack Noir so that future session will have a greater likely-hood for success. I’m currently relaying to Rose information on the best way to go about destroying the green sun…”

Her voice drones into one long hum and all you can hear is Terezi’s laughter as she talks animatedly into her own headset. Despite yourself, you strain to hear what she is saying and you catch the tail end of her conversation.

“Don’t you trust me, Dave? I promise everything will turn out okay. Hehe. Look, I got to go. Just do it and call me when you’re done okay.”

You hear the scrape of a chair and the _tap tap tap_ of Terezi’s cane a she makes her way across the floor, towards her room most likely.

“Karkat!” Kanaya’s voice demands your attention once more.

“Wh- what’s up, Kan?”

“Were you even listening to me? This is very important to the success…”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re doing a great ass job. Keep up the good work, blah, blah, and blah. All that Jazz.” You grab Kanaya by the shoulders, having cut her off mid-speech. “I really appreciate that your helping out the humans so much, okay. Giving them this important information is very helpful. As your leader, I am promoting you to my second in command. First mate or some shit.”

“You’re the leader?” Kanaya’s eyes are half lidded and she leans back in her chair, smoothing out her skirt. “Since when?”

She’s fucking with you. Just when you were being so nice too.

“I’m the damn leader! I’ve always been the leader and that’s the way it’s always going to be!”

“Statements such as that further qualify you as leader, no doubt.”

“You’re Gog-damned right!” Your point across, it’s down to business again. “Vriska is going to get John killed, and Dave is a piece of shit. Therefore it’s very important that you keep Rose safe, understood?”

“Of course. What about Jade?”

“If you have Rose blowing up the sun, then I’ll get Jade in position to do the scratch.” You’re talking fast now, all this chatter about humans and plans and human-plans has got you thinking.

Maybe there is a way you can salvage everything.

“Just make sure Rose is safe!” You rush away before she can answer and head back to your computer. There is work to do.

* * *

=> Be Kanaya Maryam

You are now Kanaya Maryam. The vampire fashion queen and now first mate under Karkat Vantas. As Karkat rushes away once more, grumbling to himself, you turn back to your computer and pick up your headset.

“Sorry for the interruption, Rose. Where were we?”

You wait the appropriate amount of time for Rose to respond. She doesn’t.

“Rose?” You tap your headphones lightly. “Rose, are you there.”

No answer.

You grab your keyboard and furiously start typing in commands. Soon enough, your view window pops open and you can see clearly into Rose’s bedroom, where she had been resting and talking strategy with you scant moments before.

The human girl is gone, there are black scorch marks are the walls and ceiling, and the majority of her furniture has been upended. There had been some kind of scuffle in the few precious seconds you spent conversing with your leader.

You don’t swear all too often, but you allow yourself one now.

“Shit.”

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You once again are Dave fucking Strider. Good thing too, Karkat’s ever present rage virus and Kanaya’s lack of vigilance were starting to get on your nerves.

However as you stand above the sword, still half-buried in the stone, your nerves don’t feel all that cool presently.

Terezi wants you to pull out the sword and stab yourself with it. After you die on the pedestal, you’ll be back as a super-mega-ultra-god or whatever. At least… that’s what she says.

You’re really glad that Terezi left you to mull things over. Her seeing you lose your shit is not on your list of “things that you want to happen”.

Up to this point your list of “things that you want to happen” has consisted of few things, such as:

Number one: Don’t die

Number two: Find John and make sure he’s okay

Number three: Drop some sick beats

Number four: Don’t die

Number five: Find Bro and Jade for sloppy make outs

_“Wait, what.”_

You pull out your list and decide to make ‘Find Bro and Jade for sloppy make outs’ into two separate bullet points. There that’s better. The list now reads.

Number five: Find Bro

Number six: Find Jade for sloppy make outs

And finally.

Number seven: Don’t die

Did you mention ‘Don’t die’ enough? You think that’s probably the most important thing on the list.

Terezi says that everything will be ‘ _fine’_. Whatever that means. The definition of _‘fine’_ could be lost across different cultures. What if _‘fine’_ in troll-speak meant _‘dead as all fuck’_.

You notice that you’re breathing really hard and fast, like you’re running a marathon whilst trying to do a Sudoku puzzle. After a second of concentration, you manage to school your breathing back under control. If Bro taught you anything, it was to keep your shit in line.

_“You aren’t a pussy, Dave. You’re the coolest guy around and everyone knows it.”_

You just got to stab yourself.

With trembling fingers, you reach out and wrap your fingers around the handle of the sword. On the count of three, you’re going to pull it out and skew yourself like a piece of dried fruit on the edge of a martini glass.

_“Do they put dried fruit on the edge of martini glasses?”_

You honestly have bigger things to worry about at the moment, so you decide to hold that question off for later.

On the count of three.

One…

Two… HOLY SHIT!

You nearly piss your pants in the coolest and most ironic way possible when your shades suddenly signal that someone is calling you. The lines are alternating grey and blue, rippling outwards from the center of your lenses.

“Uh, Hello?” You answer.

“Hi, Dave.”

“Egbert! Jegus, man where are you? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, man I’m perfectly cool. Not as you cool as you though, that goes without saying. Haha.”

“Damn straight.”

“Sorry to interrupt this tearfully heartfelt reunion just before it completely dissolves into weeping embraces, but there’s a reason I got together this little group chat.” A third voice, Karkat, joins the mix.

You roll your eyes behind your shades, already annoyed by just hearing Vantas’s voice.

“If this is another fruitless attempt to hook up with us, Karkles, then I’m afraid you’re in for a big steaming pile of disappointment.” You drawl.

“Shut the fuck up!” Karkat roars. “Gog, I knew you were going to make this so hard. If I weren’t such a nice guy I wouldn’t be going out of my way to save both of your sorry lives! Then I could sit back and be happy as you both turned into rotting piles of corpse meat.”

“Wow talking about _'meat'_ again, Karkles? You’re really going to quell the gay rumors in no time at this rate.”

“I swear to fucking Jegus, Strider, if you don’t shut your already stoic, shit eating lips this instant I will go over to LOHAC and shut them for you!”

“Uh, guys.” John gets in before you can shoot off another retort. One that would accurately point out that Karkat seriously isn’t doing himself any favors with his most recent threat. John continues. “I don’t think this fighting is going to get anyone, anywhere. Why don’t we all just relax for a second and Karkat can tell us what’s on his mind?”

Leave it to John to be the mediator. Terezi had tried explaining the troll romance quadrants to you earlier. Was John being your Moiral right now or your Auspistice? Was there even a difference? You honestly weren’t paying much attention earlier.

“Yes, Dave. Listen to your leader. As stupid as Egbert is, he’s intellectually superior to you and is therefore the rightful leader of your dreary little party.”

“Hmph.” You don’t disagree with that statement. You trust John’s judgment probably more than anyone else’s. You’d easily accept John as leader, but you won’t admit that Karkat is right. About anything. Ever. “Just cut to the chase.”

“Alright, you nook-wiffers hold on to your butts. I’m about to drop some serious information on your two worthless human selfs.” Both you (ironically) and John (sincerely) wait with bated breath for the information to be dropped.  It’s not what you expected. “Dave you need to stop talking to Terezi and John you need to put as much space between you and Vriska as possible. Got it? Good. Talk to you shit-stains later.”

“Whoa, hold on?!” John sounds nervous for some reason. “Why should I get away from Vriska she doesn’t… have a, like… um, disease or something… right?”

“She has a disease alright!” Karkat snaps and you hear John gasp. “It’s called I’m-a-huge-bitch-whose-going-to-ruin-everything.”

John exhales deeply and you hear a rustling sound. You guess he’s adjusting his glasses as he wipes sweat from his brow. What’s got him all in a tizzy?

“Seriously though,” Karkat continues “She’s bad news. This whole miss-adventure that she’s taken you on is destined for failure and you’d be doing everyone a favor if you cut out now.”

“What about Vriska?”

“Let me re-phrase that. ‘You’d be doing everyone _that mattered_ a favor if you cut out now.’”

You curse mentally, as mentioned prior you don’t ever want to admit that Karkat is right about anything. However, it seems that today is full of things that you’d rather not do. Like dying. Have you mentioned that enough yet? Probably not.

“Look, Br… John.” That was weird. You almost called John, _Bro._ Haha.  Your brain is all scrambled up today. Anyways. “As much as I hate to say this, Karkat is right. Sticking around with Vriska is a bad idea. It’s like sticking a fork into a light socket.”

“I’m not sticking anything anywhere!” John shouts a little too quickly. “I… er, I mean... What?”

“Moving on from Egbert’s lack of coherent speech,” Karkat presses on valiantly. “Strider! Stop talking to Terezi this instant. You’re feeble attempts at flirting are among the most awkward and infuriating things in this miserable excuse for a universe and it needs to stop happening, understood?”

“Hmm,” You begin. “I’m tapping my finger against my chin in a really thoughtful way, Karkat. You see, I’m having trouble thinking of what to say… Oh wait, I got it. Fuck you!”

“Dave!” John’s exclamation of surprise is probably the only thing in the world that would make you feel an ounce of regret. A very ironic ounce, the most ironic there is. “I think what Dave is trying to say, Karkat, is that he doesn’t see anything wrong with him talking to Terezi, right?”

“Nope, I think what I was trying to say was: _fuck you_.”

 “You know what! I’m done!” Karkat barks, causing you to wince as the noise threatens to blow out your shade-speakers. “Here I am trying to the do the right thing and give you both some priceless information, but John is too nice to hurt some bitches’s feelings and Dave’s too much of an insufferable prick to see that he’s making a fool of himself every time he opens his damn mouth. Why can’t you idiots see that both of these girls are playing you like a couple of human-flutes? Neither of you little wrigglers have a chance with either of them anyways!”

“Well, Karat I don’t know if that’s… well… um, uh,” John seems to be struggling with something. His words are muted and garbled. He’s mumbling and forcing them out like he’s passing a kidney stone. Eventually it comes out to this. “Vriska and I, sort of… already did… it.”

You could have sworn that time stopped. Both John and Karkat are probably dead. One with embarrassment and another overdosed on blind fury. You hold for as long as you can before you lose it.

“HAHAHAHAHA! HOLY SHIT! EGBERT BONED AN ALIEN BABE! OH MY SWEET JEGUS!” You double over, leaning against your katana as you struggle not to collapse under the sheer weight of your mirth. You’re being very uncool at the moment, but you’ll give yourself a pass on this. It just might be the greatest thing ever. Of all time.

“It… it, it wasn’t like that!” John stammers. “I didn’t _‘bone’_ her.”

“Well what do you call it?!” Karkat is back with a vengeance. “You and Serket are bumping pails while we’re here getting shit done! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! Do you know what this means?!”

“No...” Only John Egbert can make one word carry so much weight. That single word held so much fear and uncertainty that you shut up instantly.

“It means,” Karkat growled. “That you are now _Matesprits_!”

It’s the way he says it that gets under your skin. Karkat could have just as easily said _‘you have cancer!’_ with the exact same tone.

Something doesn’t sit right with you. Your Strider-Sense is tingling.

“Terezi told me that Matespritship was like human love.” You cut in. “You don’t become Matesprits just because you did the nasty, right?”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Karkat snaps. “Terezi has been feeding you misinformation like you’re a newborn wriggler being fed slime. Vriska had sex with John. Therefore, she has flushed feelings for him! Therefore, THEY ARE FUCKING MATESPRITS!”

“I, uh… wow.” You can practically see John rubbing the back of his neck. “What do I do?”

It takes you a moment to realize that John is coming to you for help. Of course he would, you’re like a cooler, older brother to him. The only problem is: you’re just as clueless as he is when it comes to love and the like.

“I don’t know, man. Do you like Vriska?” You ask.

“I guess she’s nice.”

“HA HA, FUCKING HA!” You don’t know what angers you more, Karkat’s real laughter or his fake laughter. “You think Vriska is nice?! No one has _ever_ called Vriska ‘nice’, John, and there’s a reason for that.”

“Listen, Karkles. Why don’t you take a walk for a bit and let the adults talk for a while.” The troll is really starting to piss you off. John has enough on his plate without Karkat pouring gasoline on the fire… or plate, or whatever. You just need some room to think right now. There is simply too much going on.

“Why can’t you humans just all fuck yourselves and leave us out of it!” Karkat apparently ignores you. “We got John pailing Vriska over here, Rose pailing Kanaya over there, Dave failing miserably to pail Terezi. I mean, come on! What’s wrong with you people?!”

“Rose and… Kanaya.” John echoes quietly.

“Damn right, Kanaya is all over that grim, pasty human girl. It’s really gross actually. I was just…” Karkat stops talking suddenly. You grow confused when you hear hushed voices though Karkat’s line, and then. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE’S BEEN TAKEN?!”

“What, who!?” Both you and John ask in unison.

“Alright fuckers! Something’s happened!” Karkat seems to have picked up his headset again. “Rose has been kidnapped by imps and is no doubt being completely fileted by Jack Noir as we speak.”

“No! Fuck!” John shouts. “I warned her about those imps! I told her, man!”

“Where’s Jack?” You ask, clenching your fist around your sword.

There’s no way in hell that your letting that sonuvabitch get away with kidnapping your ecto-sister.

“There’s no way in hell that I’m letting that sonuvabitch get away with kidnapping my ecto-sister.” You say.

“We don’t have time for sloppy rescue missions!” There’s a loud bang and you guess Karkat has just slammed his fist on the table. “You need to blow up the green sun. You need to initiate the scratch!”

“No way, we’re not doing anything without Rose!” John’s voice has lost all of its pubescent awkwardness. “She knows the most about the game. I need her!”

You frown at that last sentence. You’ll deal with that later.

“It doesn’t matter! Jack Noir is much too strong for any of you. It’s hopeless. There’s nothing you can do!”

There they are. Those words, back again.

_“There’s nothing you can do…”_

Once again, you call bullshit.

“John,” You take charge. “Find out where Rose is and let me know, we’ll meet up later and rescue her, okay? There’s something I have to do right now.”

“What?” John asks.

You drop you katana and grab the handle of the half-buried sword once more.

“Something awesome. I’ll talk to you soon, Bro.” You tap your glasses, hanging up on both of them.

Alright...

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

You pull.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. After Dave hangs up, it’s just you and Karkat.

“Listen, Karkat. I’m sorry about Vriska. It just sort of happened, you know?” You want to hurry this up so you can get to tracking down Rose.

“Sure, Egbert. It’s whatever.” You can tell he’s still furious. “It’s no skin off my teeth. I just want you to know that you fucked up, got it?”

“I know.”

“Good, now if you’re serious about fighting Jack for Rose, then I guess you better get going.”

“Yeah,” You agree. “Do you know where Jack took her?”

“Nope, but If I had to guess, I’d say blurhgaiheifh…”

“… I’m sorry. What was that, Karkat?”

He doesn’t respond. This makes you uneasy. It sounded as if he was cut off.

You sever the connection and try calling him again. A streak of grey flashes across your lenses, but Karkat doesn’t answer. You try again with similar results.

“Shit!” You turn and kick the wall as hard as you can. That proves to be a mistake as pain suddenly surges into your foot. You curse again.

You are currently standing outside a salamander home, in the salamander village, on LOWAS. Vriska is still inside the home, asleep on the couch, last time you checked. The poor salamander family that originally lived in the house had hastily left after you and Vriska had barged in and started getting busy. The family was apparently staying with friends for the moment, which was good. You’d still have to apologize to them later though.

You shiver and wrap your arms around yourself. Vriska had taken your shirt and has yet to return it, leaving you shivering in your jeans and undershirt. Things could be a lot worse though, since your undershirt is probably the coolest thing ever.

It’s a simple white t-shirt with a picture of a ghost on the front. The ghost is from the movie 'Ghostbusters'.

God, that movie is so sweet.

You rouse yourself from these distracting thoughts and start fiddling with your glasses again. Karkat doesn’t answer anymore, neither does Dave. You even try Rose and only succeed and worsening your mood when she predictably doesn’t answer. You’re about to phone Jade, just because, when your glasses flash.

You get excited for a second until you realize that no one is calling you.

You look up into the sky and see a mass of swirling black clouds in the distance, violet colored lightening arcs through the clouds at random intervals. All in all, it’s one of the spookiest things you’ve ever seen, and you’ve seen Ghostbusters over a ba-zillion times.

You don’t know where Rose is, but those spooky-ass clouds seem like as good a place to look as any.

You turn and race into the salamander house. After you wake up Vriska and head towards the clouds, you’ll call Dave and tell him what you saw, Jade too. If all of you meet up and fight Jack Noir, there’s no way you could possibly fail.

Vriska is drooling into your shirt when you find her. She is still completely naked, sprawled over the couch like some kind of grey skinned, dark haired, beautiful blanket.

_“Did you think ‘beautiful’ just then?”_

_“Shit.”_

“Vriska,” You grab her shoulder. “Hey, wake up.”

You shake her and are completely surprised when her fist lashes out and catches you square in the nose. You tumble backwards onto the ground and Vriska is now perched on the sofa like a cat, searching for her attacker.

“Oh. Hey there, Pupa. You should know better than to sneak up on me.” She grins when she sees you on the floor, cradling your nose. “So, ready for round nine?”

“Round nine?!” You’re voice sounds muffled and you can feel blood oozing between your fingers. “What happened to round four?!”

She throws her head back and laughs, sending a waterfall of black locks cascading around her shoulders. You whimper quietly.

“You kind of passed out there for a little while.”

“I passed out!” Your brain struggles to process what she’s saying. “I… you… you practically molested me!”

“What?! No! You were totally into it.”

“I was unconscious!”

“Only for a little while.”

“Why didn’t you stop?! I would have been _way_ more into it if I was conscious!”

“Oh…” She smirks at you. “Is that so? We’ll just have to find out just how _into it_ you can be.”

You feel angry again. You don’t like feeling angry.

“Stop sounding sexy! I thought you didn’t want anything permanent.”

“I don’t,” Vriska slides off the couch and rises to her full height, standing above you. “Who says we can’t have fun though?”

“I do.” You clamber to your feet as well. You’re tall and thin, almost to the point of gangly awkwardness. Standing next to Vriska and all of her lean muscle and… ahem, womanly attributes, you look even less intimidating than normal. “Rose has been kidnapped by Jack Noir and we’re going to rescue her.”

That wipes the little smirk from Vriska’s face, leaving a sour expression that gives the impression that she’s just licked a lemon.

“Oh,” She breathes. “I see. Little miss perfects in trouble. Better drop everything and run off, am I right?”

This isn’t what you expected. You and Vriska were going to fight Jack Noir anyways. You fail to see how this change of events could cause such a shift in her attitude.

“What’s the matter?” You ask.

“Nothing,” She brushes you off and smiles at you again. It’s a cold smile though, the kind you often used when taking school photographs. In other words: fake. “Shall we get going then?”

You’re already dressed, so you watch her shimmy into her pants and pull on her black t-shirt once again. She picks up your shirt and you reach out for it, but you’re surprised when she shrugs it on.

“Uh…” You watch her brush her hair idly and fiddle with your shirt. “Can I have that back, please?”

Vriska blinks at you.

“Oh, this?” She picks at your shirt again. “This is mine now.”

You frown. You really liked that shirt. It’s a simple grey button-down, bought for you by your father a cheap department store back on earth. But now Vriska wanted it and Vriska always got whatever she wanted. Even you.

“Whatever.” You say, with enough fake aloof-ness to make Dave proud. “I saw a bunch of spooky-ass clouds in the distance and I thought we could look for Rose there first.”

“Spooky clouds?” Vriska repeats. “Hmm.”

She races from the house and you jog after her. Vriska is standing on the front lawn staring up the clouds, like you had done earlier.

“That’s the first and only place you’ll need to look.” She grabs your arm and started tugging you away. “That, my little Pupa, is Jack Noir’s castle.”

* * *

=> Be Jack Noir.

You are now the villain, Jack Noir. You’re also kind of a douche bag.

You are sitting in your throne room, admiring all of your sweet paintings when an imp scurries towards you. The imp bows low enough to brush it’s nose against the floor, before looking up at you again.

“Sir,” the imp growls. “We’ve captured one of the humans, the girl, Rose.”

You regard the imp coldly. You are honestly surprised. You had not expected any of the children to be taken by the imps. As faithful as your minions are, they’re kind of useless.

You nod. You will not reward any of these puny creatures with the gift of your words. Words have power, meaning and abilities that they know not. It’s best to keep all of the words to yourself and therefore, the power.

The imp leads you from the throne room and up into the castle. You walk up a spiral staircase and eventually arrive on the roof of one of the many towers comprising your castle. The sky is a clear blue and you can clearly see that another cage has been erected next to the others. A new human for your collection.

There is an old man, a brother, a mother, and a father. Then there is the human girl, Rose. She is sitting on the floor of her cage, her legs crossed in some sort of meditation.

You watch her for a while, simply thinking. The girl is trying to test you. She will not give you the satisfaction of meeting your gaze. She has cut herself off from her surroundings. The ultimate double middle finger. Rose is smart.

You just happen to be smarter.

You point to the cage containing the father. The imps open the door and drag him out into the open.

Rose does not open her eyes.

You draw you sword and in one swift move, you kill the father.

Rose has squeezed her eyes shut and you can tell that she is shaking. Her resolve has not yet broken.

No matter, you point to the cage containing the mother. The imps open the door and…

Rose cries out.

“Wait!” She’s standing up now, pressing herself against the bars of her cage.

You smile.

Rose is smart.

You just happen to be smarter.

The mother is put back into her cage. You will have to move the guardians now, somewhere else. You cannot risk your trophies being taken from you.

You point to the cage containing the girl and the imps unlock the door and drag her out.

There is darkness in the girl’s soul. Rose has a fascination with the macabre and the evil that dwells in mythology. She plans on beating you, beating this game.

You will show her real darkness. As Rose is taken deeper into the castle, you look to the dead father.

It is a shame you had to kill him. The father was so serious. You liked that about him.

The rest of guardians are moved and you descend back into the castle.

Deep below ground, below the dungeons of your castle, there is a pit; a huge gaping hole that opens up to another dimension, a darker dimension.

The imps are holding Rose still when you arrive. The girl is gazing into the pit with wonder.

You smile. It’s been a while since you’ve fed someone to the horrorterrors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were a lot of POV changes in this chapter. I promise we won't jump around as much in future chapters. I hope no one was confused.  
> Rape = Not Funny (that's a given) I put the part about Vriska banging an unconscious John because it sounded like something my Vriska would do. At least, in my opinion. Vriska takes what she wants, regardless of what other people think.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	3. ACT 1 - PART 3

=> Be Jack Noir

You are once again Jack Noir. Also known as: a giant douche.

You had expected the human girl to keep up her stoic façade and allow the horrorterrors to consume her without a fight.

You are disappointed.

Despite her stony exterior and the mask of cold, calculation, Rose Lalonde screams as the shadow monsters wrap their inky-black tentacles around her. They drag her below, kicking and fighting the whole way. Eventually her wails die off, as she descends.

Oh well, you knew it was all an act anyway. Deep down Rose was just another little girl, who despite her angst, didn't want her mother to die, and didn't want to face the dark.

You turn from the pit and head back up through the castle. There is much work to be done. The rest of the players will come for their friend and you must be ready for their arrival.

As you walk through the throne room, you hear a loud _crash_ from up above. One of the guardians has escaped apparently. No surprise there. Your minions, the imps, are loyal of course, but completely useless. They must have caught Rose greatly unprepared in order to take her as their prisoner.

You ascend through the castle and come up to the top of the main tower, where the father still lays. It appears that the brother has broken free of his cage and is now engaging some of the imps in combat. You can respect his courage and his strength. The brother is most definitely a powerful warrior.

You watch him slice his way through a dozen imps. Your minions had even neglected to take his sword away from him. What a bunch of chumps. You sigh as he hacks through another twelve and decide that it's time you make your move.

With the agility of a thousand men and the douche-ness of at least thirty, you lunge forward and trap the brother with your powerful grip. It was a cheap move, a surprise attack. You don't care though. You're sort of the bad guy.

Holding the brother aloft, you dig your claws into his neck and fix your gaze upon him. Your eyes meet and though his dark, pointed shades you can see into his soul. Yours for the taking.

On this rare and important occasion, you decide to speak.

"Go," You say quietly, harshly. "Go, and do my bidding."

The brother resists. He is a powerful specimen. However, eventually it is too much and he bends to your will.

The brother is now under your control.

"Find the players," You whisper once more. "Kill them."

In a flash, the brother is gone.

The remaining guardians, the mother and the old man, are currently being taking to your evil airship by the remaining imps. You have plans for them also, but not until much later.

With that mess taken care of, it's back to business.

The heir is coming.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. This means you are an average dude, with large amount of romantic confusion and epic responsibility on your shoulders. There's also the rescue mission you are currently undergoing. That's a whole thing too.

You’ve just finished leaving Dave a message, telling him about the clouds and the castle. After you’ve stopped talking into your glasses though, you mind wanders back to your mission.

If Jack Noir did anything to Rose or your Dad, then you might just lose it. Rose is one of your best friends and Dad is, well, your dad. The thought that either of them might be in trouble fills your stomach with sour bile.

You close your eyes and pause to take a deep breath. You might just throw up.

"So I was wondering something." Vriska is walking ahead of you, leading the way towards the black storm and Jack Noir’s castle.

"Hmmm?" You don't trust yourself to open your mouth without vomiting.

"How different is human sex from what we just did?"

You were worried she would bring up the sex again. You kind of want to forget that it happened. Not that you are ashamed of yourself or Vriska. It's just that everything would feel a lot less complicated if things hadn't transpired the way they did.

"Well for one thing," You begin. "When humans make love, their typically both lucid."

" _Make love_ ," Vriska repeats with a snort. "Is that what you guys call it?"

"It's better than ' _pailing'_."

Vriska shrugs. She probably doesn't have an argument for that.

"So seriously, was it different or pretty much the same?" She looks over her shoulder back at you and you wonder why she's even asking. Does she just want to understand the differences between trolls and humans better? Or was this her backwards way of asking _"was it good for you too?_ ”.

"I haven't really... had sex before. But I've seen, like, photos and stuff and I guess it was about the same."

Vriska's face flashes with an emotion that looks similar to surprise, but then it's gone, replaced with a wide grin.

"I see, so that was your first time?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

You both fall into silence then. Vriska is walking ahead of you, but you can tell that she is still grinning like a loon.

So your virginity was taken away by an alien psychopath. That's not so bad. You honestly weren't all that attached to your virginity in the first place. Things could have been a whole lot worse you suppose.

As you continue to walk, you find yourself staring at the back of Vriska's head, specifically her mass of long, tangled, black hair. There's so much hair. It's like a forest of black locks, which shimmer and dance with reflected sunlight. It's a little entrancing, sort of pretty too. As pretty as a black widow and just as dangerous.

What would your dad say if he knew what you had done? You can imagine that he'd present you with another one of his patent pending 'Dad Notes'.

_"Dear son, if you are reading this, then you've just lost your virginity to an alien. I'm so proud of you. Keep up the good work. Love, Dad."_

You shiver involuntarily. Maybe you won't tell him about Vriska as soon as you see him. News such as that is best delivered gently, in your opinion.

The ground starts to slope and you’re surprised when Vriska takes a hard right and starts making a bee-line towards a nearby hilltop.

"Hey!" You call after her. "What is it? Where are you going?"

You stand there and watch her sprint up the hill. She comes to a stop and lets out an exclamation of "Aha!" and then turns to yell down to you.

"Hey Pupa, get your ass up here. You need to see this."

You sigh and start hiking up towards her. You're tall and gangly, built like a gazelle and not like a mountain goat. Needless to say it takes you a while longer to reach the top, than Vriska.

At the very peak of the hill, there is a slab of smooth stone. It's a pale blue in color, not out of place against the sky, and a weird wavy symbol is carved into its surface.

"Wh- what is it?" You huff. You're more out of shape then you think.

"It’s a quest bed!" Vriska claps excitedly, like a little girl when faced with a pony. " _Your_ quest bed, specifically."

You're about to ask her to clarify when something hits you in the back, slides in between your ribs and then bursts out through your chest. Blood starts pouring from the wound like a fountain and you stagger forward onto the quest bed. You open your mouth to cry out, to warn Vriska to run and save herself.

Then you land on the hard stone and twist your neck, looking up to see Vriska standing over you, still grinning that wild, maniac grin.

"Vr-V- Vriska?" Is all you can say. You can feel blood crawling up your throat and filling your mouth.

"You'll thank me later, Pupa." She winks at you and with a swipe of her hand, you see no more.

* * *

Dying sucks, like, a whole lot.

You wonder why you didn't listen to Dave or Karkat. Why didn't you get away from Vriska when you had the chance? Why did you trust her?

She used you, tricked you, stole your shirt, and killed you. Vriska really was a huge bitch.

" _I'm sorry Rose."_ You think. _"I'm sorry Dad._   _I was going to save you both. I was going to make sure you were all okay. Then we would be together. Then we would be happy. I'm really sorry."_

Why had you been so eager to follow Vriska? Literally everyone you talked to warned you against her. You are so stupid, just so...

Then you wake up.

"Holy shit!" You scream and then you're on your feet.

Oh god you feel... you feel... fucking _amazing_!

You search for Vriska and find her rolling around nearby, clutching her stomach.

"You should have seen the look on your face, John!" She shrieks. "You were all like, ' _aw no! I'm so dead'_. But now look at you!" She points and you do, indeed, look down at yourself.

The blood-spurting wound is gone. Your sweet-ass Ghostbusters t-shirt is gone. Hell, all of your clothes are gone. Instead you are wearing a set of blue pajamas and a long hood, which resembles a deflated wind sock. Essentially, you look like a total badass.

"You look like a total badass!" Vriska squeals. She jumps to her feet, runs up to you and then gives you the most bone crushing hug you've ever experienced.

“Mi momph mumermaph.” You mumble against her.

“What?”

You pull away and spit some of her hair out of your mouth.

“I don’t understand.”

“Well, it’s simple really.” She has that arrogant look on her face that only comes when someone is about to drop some serious common knowledge on someone really damn stupid. You fit the bill. “This is your quest bed,” she points to the stone slab again. “When you die on it, you are resurrected as a _god_!”

“Why didn’t you try and explain that before you KILLED ME!” You’re more than a little upset that she’s been toying with you, so you barely register how strong the wind is starting to pick up.

“Because I knew that it would take too much time and then you would get all nervous and then you’d probably wuss out!” She’s shouting too, although it’s more to be heard than anything else.

She’s right, but that just makes you more upset. You probably _would_ have too afraid to take your own life. Hell, who in their right mind wouldn’t be afraid to do such a thing?

Probably your best friend, Dave. He rocks ultimate.

You can hear Imaginary Dave talking to you again.

 _“Damn straight.”_ He says.

Vriska is patting you on the shoulder now. It’s such a common-place gesture of affection that it takes you off guard at first.

The wind dies down.

“I always have your best interests at heart. You know that, right?” She’s looking at you pointedly.

Once again you think back to her previous statement, about not wanting anything “ _permanent”_. If that was true, why is she using words like “ _always”_? Doesn’t the term “ _always”_ imply something permanent?

You’re honestly more confused than ever, at least in the romantic aspect of your life. However, in contrast, some things are feeling a lot simpler now.

You are a god, the HEIR OF BREATH, and now it’s time to save one of your best friends.

“Okay, I guess thanks?” You laugh nervously and smile at Vriska. It’s kind of forced though. “We should get going. Rose isn’t going to save herself.”

You’re not a hundred percent sure about that last statement. Rose is pretty tough. You wouldn’t be completely surprised if you got there and she was already out and about kicking ass.

“Oh yeah,” Vriska has that sour-looking face again. “Almost forgot about her.” She stares in the direction of Jack Noir’s castle and shields her eyes from the sun. “We would probably get there faster if we flew.”

You’re tempted to say something like: “Well, no shit. Everything would be faster if we flew.” But you hold your tongue. Something about the way she says it suggests that she (once again) knows more than you do.

“What do you mean?” You say.

“Just do the windy thing and we’ll be there in no time.”

“The windy thing?”

“Yeah, the windy thing.” She jabs a finger into your chest, indicating the wavy symbol embroidered there. “Do the windy thing, John.”

“Just because you keep saying it, doesn’t mean that it makes any more sense.”

“Ugh!” She groans. “I don’t know how to explain this. You just do it, John.”

This feels like a big waste of time to you.

“Vriska, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’ll figure it out later I’m sure. Right now we need to get…”

You trail off when something in the distance catches your attention. It’s a blur of movement, blazing a path from Jack Noir’s castle and straight towards you. You squint, trying to get a better look at what it is.

“What are you doing, John?” Vriska sounds exasperated. She follows your line of sight and sees the moving blur. “What the…”

In a flash, Dave’s Bro is standing right in front you.

“Hey, Bro. Haha.” For a second there you thought that maybe the moving blur was something bad- OH MY GOD WHAT IS HE DOING?!?

He swings his sword, but it’s more like a flash of lightening to you. Bro is so fast and in less than a millisecond you’re probably about to be decapitated. Oh well, being a god was fun while it lasted.

Vriska lunges in front of you, arm outstretched to deflect the blow and then…

Everything is blue. The ground, Vriska’s shirt, even your glasses are covered in blue. Her severed arm is lying several feet away from you. It takes a second for everything to process.

“Holy shit.” Seems like a fair thing to say.

Vriska screams and writhes on the ground, her bloody stump leaking like a sprung valve. Bro is advancing towards you now, stepping over Vriska and raising his blue-stained sword.

You had always known that Bro liked to fight. Dave used to talk about their rooftop scuffles are the time. But you’d never imagine that Bro would attempt to kill _you_ of all people. You’ve never said more than two words to him in your whole life. You don’t know why he’s trying to kill you. All you know is that you aren’t going down without a fight.

**STRIFE!**

Your hammer is now in your hand and with a loud _clang_ , your respective weapons clash with a flurry of sparks. You spin, long hood flying behind you, and drag your hammer down to cave in Bro’s head. The master ninja flashsteps out of the way though, and is now attacking from your left.

A split second before his blade slices into soft John-flesh, you lunge out of the way. Your hammer is powerful, but it’s a relative tortoise to Bro’s rabbit-like sword. Speed won’t be your advantage in this fight. You need to play it smart.

You raise your hammer and go on the defensive, keeping him at bay with the occasional swipe. You’re suddenly away of how hot the sun is. Like a giant flashlight trained directly on to you. It’s sweltering under its gaze and you’re sweating like an overweight dog.

Bro, on the other hand, looks completely cool and confident. This isn’t anything out of the ordinary for him. Dismemberment and Strife is Tuesday on his calendar.

He’s flashstepping like a total badass now, too fast for your bespectacled eyes to follow. You parry one blow, but barely manage to block the second. You’re going to fail and you know it. It’s just a matter of time.

Something wizzes over your shoulder and strikes Bro in the chest. With his focus on you, he didn’t see the projectile coming. The ninja/assassin/pro-everything is thrown backwards, tumbling off down the hill. You know that blow won’t hold him off for long though. He’s just too cool for that.

You turn around to find that Vriska has staggered to her feet and that she has once again saved your life.

“Vriska! Get out of here!” You shout, rushing over to her. “I’ll hold him off.”

Vriska opens her mouth to speak, but changes her mind and decides to throw more of her dice at Bro instead. He’s back and ready for more action.

It’s a two on one battle. The only problem is, Vriska is critically injured and loosing blood fast and you are John.

Bro deflects your hammer and punches you in the gut. You double over in pain, while Vriska uses her dice to knock Bro’s sword out of his grip. You have to give Vriska credit. She’s one tough bitch.

Bro flashsteps up to Vriska and catches her remaining wrist. With her in his grasp, he could have easily killed her with a jab to her solar plexus or whatever. You don’t know much about anatomy, or even troll anatomy for that matter.

Instead, Bro does not kill Vriska. You don’t know this, but inside of Bro there is a battle going on between Jack Noir’s orders and Bro’s own free-will. Bro doesn’t want to kill anyone, while Jack Noir is a big wet douche. It’s an immovable force against an unstoppable object. Something has got to give.

Bro takes Vriska out of the fight by snatching her left eye clean out of her socket with his bare fingers.

You can’t help but compare Bro’s actions to that one scene in “Kill Bill” where The Bride totally rips out Elle’s second eye. It’s a totally sweet scene in the movie, but completely un-awesome in real life.

Vriska slumps to the ground, completely motionless. You really hope she isn’t dead.

Bro is calmly walking over to reclaim his sword. He’s probably going to kill you now, or at the very least maim you like he did Vriska.

Poor Vriska. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve anything. All she wanted to do was prove herself, have a little fun, save your life over and over again.

You hear her voice in your head. An imaginary Vriska shouting to you.

“ _Hey, Pupa.”_ She says. “ _Do the windy thing.”_

Bro is coming for you now. You can see his expressionless face and dark, pointy shades looming over you. It’s now or never.

The wind stirs, slowly at first, tugging at your hood and causing Bro’s baseball cap to flap lightly. It gets stronger though and you literally _feel_ the wind pushing past you, around you. Your chest feels light and your soul, lighter. Thin, but strong, fingers of air streak around you now, forming into think, powerful arms. You look at Bro and he is fighting his way towards you, trying to flashstep closer to his target.

You grit your teeth and urge the wind forward, exhaling air in a single, mighty breath. Bro is lifted off of his feet and thrown away from you. He flies backwards and you are surprised to see that he doesn’t seem to be slowing down. In fact, it seems that he’s speeding away from you faster and faster, until he disappears far into the distance.

You’ve literally _blown_ him away. Haha.

You think that after using your powers so effectively for the first time, you should probably feel tired, spent even. However, you’ve never felt better.

That was easily the coolest thing you’ve ever done. Vriska was right: you are a god.

Oh right, Vriska.

She’s lying on her back, eye closed, still as a corpse. You dash forward and slide on your knees next to her.

You know from films that you’re supposed to check her pulse. You do as such and find that her heart is still beating, although faintly.

What are you supposed to do? You’re about as far from a doctor as you can possibly get. You think about carrying her to the quest bed and letting her die there. Maybe she’ll come back as a god too? You remember her saying that it was specifically _your_ quest bed, which gives you the feeling that it probably won’t work. But you honestly have no idea what else to do though.

You position your arm under her knees and your about to scoop her up when your glasses suddenly flash with a streak of dark blue.

You gently lower Vriska and answer the call, hoping that it’s someone that has seen your problem and decided to help.

“Hello, John Human.” Says a deep, bass voice. “I have seen your problem and decided to help.”

“Who is this?” You ask. “Where are you?”

“My name is Equius Zahhak, high blood and master of all things robotic. I can help Vriska, but only if you get her to my laboratory.”

“How are you seeing me? Do you know Vriska? Are you a troll? Where is your lab? You’re a master of robotics, how the fuck is that going to help Vriska?”

“Shut up human and follow the waypoint I am sending you. All will be explained upon your arrival.”

A blue dot appears on the lenses of your glasses, pointing you towards a destination in the complete opposite direction of Jack Noir’s castle, Rose, and your Dad. You don’t want to abandon your mission, but Vriska will surely die if you don’t get her help.

“I’m not giving up Rose and Dad.” You mutter. “I’m coming to save you, I promise.”

“What was that?” Equius is still talking to you. “Stop wasting time and get Vriska to my lab, post haste!”

You sigh and scoop up Vriska.

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider.

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too, John’s mortal peril was really pulse pounding. You need to chill for a while.

You are currently dead. Is that chill enough for you?

You are just starting to wonder if you’ve made a huge mistake by jumping through Terezi’s hoops when you wake up suddenly.

“Don’t touch the oven, it’s hot!” You yell, sitting up so fast that your equilibrium is thrown off, throwing you into dizzy haze. You feel like a dreidel that’s spent too long at a Hanukah party full of Jews suffering from parkinson’s.

That metaphor might be offensive, but you don’t care. Jewish people are known to use dreidels and anyone, even Jews, can get parkinson’s. Also no one can read your thoughts, so it doesn’t matter that you thought of it anyway.

There is a voice cackling in your ear.

“Hehe. Dave, you’re funny. What’s an oven?”

It’s Tz, probably checking up to see if you decided to wuss out and not off yourself like the Warden from Shawshank Redemption.

Movie reference. Really? You’ve been hanging out with John too much.

Spoilers for the Shawshank Redemption, by the way.

“An oven is an infernal contraption invented by humans to cause us pain whenever we aren’t paying close enough attention.” You answer Terezi’s question ironically. “The only thing it’s really good for is a storage place for Bro’s spare swords.”

“Oh that’s interesting. Humans are funny. Hehe. Have you given yourself a look yet? You smell like a big candy apple-red hunk of handsomeness.”

A quick glance proves Terezi’s right. You already knew you were God’s gift to women, but the real surprise is that your clothes have completely changed. You’re now wearing red pajamas and hood/cape combo. It’s pretty sweet looking.

“So this is it huh? I’m an ultra-god-mega-warrior now?”

“You bet your sweet red buns, you are! You’re the KNIGHT OF TIME, Dave! Isn’t that awesome!”

Knight of Time. It certainly sounds awesome. Now that you really think about it, you do feel sort of different.

You’ve never really noticed each, individual second before. They all tick by slowly, constantly, and never ending. One, two, three, four. Counting up and up and up, until you hit sixty and start again. It’s all here right in front of you, ticking forward more and more along a steady beat with your heart.

“I don’t like it.” You mumble before you can stop yourself.

“Hmm? Sorry cool kid, I didn’t catch that.”

You slap yourself hard across the face.

“ _Stupid fucking idiot. What the hell are you doing?”_

The seconds tick on.

_“That was a completely uncool thing to say! Mumbling and whining, you’re a god-damned god now, man! What would Bro say if he knew you were being such a wimpy little piss rag?”_

You can imagine what a “ _piss rag”_ is and you most certainly don’t want to be one.

“I said: ‘I fucking _love_ it!” You climb to your feet and adjust your shades.

The seconds tick on.

“Excellent!” Terezi continues. You can practically hear her smiling. “Now go kick some Jack Noir ass!”

“Yeah, hold on.” You’ve just noticed a blue dot blinking on the corner of your shades. John has left you a message.

_“Blah blah blah Jack Noir blah blah spooky-ass clouds blah blah castle blah blah blah Vriska blah blah Nic Cage blah blah”_

“Alright, Tz. I just got a message from John. Basically, Jack Noir has a castle on LOWAS where he’s probably holding Rose captive, along with my Bro and stuff.”

“Ooooh a castle?!” Terezi sounds excited. “Dave you know what this means right? As the Knight of Time, it’s your job to storm the castle and rescue the princess!”

Storming the castle with John and Vriska sounds like a plan. However, who’s the princess in this situation? You can chose between your ecto-sister or your brother and you don’t really have much of a desire to sweep either one of them off of their feet as the dashing Knight.

You decide to drop Terezi’s mildly nauseating role-play fantasies in favor of getting shit done.

“I’m heading towards LOWAS.” You say. “When I get there I’ll call up John so we can meet up.”

“No can do, cool kid. You need to go to LOFAF and get Jade.”

“Harley? Why? She doesn’t need to be dragged into this whole debacle of galactic proportions.” It’s not that you don’t want to see Jade, quite the opposite. It’s just that it would be a load off your already weighty mind if she wasn’t in harm’s way.

“Karkat says that she deserves to be in the loop and that if you don’t get your human-ass over to LOFAF in the next thirty seconds, he’s going to beat it.”

You pause, allowing a few more seconds to tick on.

“Is he going to beat my ass or is he going to beat _‘it’_?” You ask. Honestly it doesn’t matter, that’s one of the most unintentional homoerotic quips you’ve ever heard. At this point Karkat _has_ to be taking the piss.

“He says that it doesn’t matter.” Terezi responds. She follows up with another round of cackling giggles.

“Okay whatever.” You decide to deal with that later. Right now you’re going to disregard Karkat’s orders and call John instead. He cares about his ecto-sister Jade, just as much as you do and you can trust him to make the right call, recent interspecies sexual escapades notwithstanding. “I gotta go, Tz. I’ll talk to you when shit’s not flinging all over the place via a fan.”

“Ta ta for now, cool kid. Hehe.”

After you hang up, you phone John.

“Hey, Dave.”

Your friend sounds tired.

“Yo, Egbert. Are you keeping it so fresh that it hasn’t even been born yet?”

“Uhh...”

“Never mind what I just said. Where are you right now?”

“It’s a long story, man. Like Vriska and I were heading towards the castle…”

John proceeds to spout off a story that sends your mind reeling, like… like… something that reels? A fisherman when he’s got a big catch on his line?

Shit, you can’t even craft metaphors with practiced ease anymore. Not after Egbert’s harrowing tale of betrayal, death, resurrection, attempted murder, and mutilation.

 Your Bro? No, no fucking way. He wouldn’t… He couldn’t…

Every second ticks on with a resounding crash. It’s maddening. Your head is ringing with disturbing thoughts and images, each one coming exactly one second after the other, growing in vividness and horror.

“John…” You don’t know when you sat down, but right now you’re leaning against one of the walls inside the temple. “Is… is Vriska going to be okay?”

“I think so. I’m in this really sweet lab right now. A couple of trolls were keeping track of us, because Karkat told them too, and they’re doing their best to help her, Dave, they really are.”

So you guess it’s possible that Karkat really might have your best interests at heart. Well, John’s best interests at the very least. That’s good enough for you though.

“Are you at the Troll’s home base?” You ask.

“Nope. One of the trolls here, Equius, has his own lab that he hangs out in all the time. The Troll’s base is somewhere else.”

You nod, although John can’t see you. So John hasn’t met all of the trolls in person yet, although he’s certainly met the most out of all of you. You would prefer John to be at the Troll’s center of operations, where it would be safest, but Equius’s lab sounds like a better place to be then out in the LOWAS wilderness.

“ _Where your Bro could kill him in a heartbeat.”_

You squeeze your eyes shut behind your shades. All of your life you’ve done your best to be exactly like your Bro. He was your whole family, your whole world until you met all of your friends online. John had to be mistaken. Something, anything, had to be wrong.

You’re torn now. What do you do?

Do you go straight to John so you can rescue Rose? Do you go to LOFAF, get Jade, and then meet John for a better chance of success? The three of you against Jack Noir stand a better chance than just one, or even two, right? You don't really want to put Jade in danger though.

The third option is to find your Bro and talk to him.

“ _But what if he doesn’t want to talk? What if he tries to kill you?”_

The seconds tick on.

_“If he tries to kill me… I don’t know what I’ll do….”_

You need someone to take the decision out of your hands. You need a map to follow. You need a mold to fill. Without someone to inspire you, some role-model to follow, you feel lost.

Without Bro, you’re nothing.

“Dave, are you alright?” It’s John, talking in your ear. “You still there, man?”

You swallow hard.

“Yeah,” You voice sounds like static in your ears. “I’m here.”

“We need Jade’s help.” John continues. “Since I’m here with Vriska right now and since LOFAF is on the way here. Do you think you could get Jade?”

The seconds tick on.

“You can count on me, Bro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my best friends is Jewish. Just saying.  
> We're going to catch up with Jade and Rose next chapter. So far this story is seriously lacking in the human girl department. They are both major characters, I promise you that.  
> The rest of the trolls are coming too.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	4. ACT 1 - PART 4

=> Be Jade Harley

You are Jade Harley. It’s about damn time.

You are currently in the Land of Frost and Frogs, undertaking probably the worst assignment in the history of mankind. Well not really.

You actually enjoy the science of it, since you’re something of an amateur scientist yourself. Mixing and matching frogs together in order the breed the perfect genes for your new universe. The only part that really sucks is having to _catch_ the little bastards.

“Argh! Get back here you fuckass!” You curse as another one slips from your grasp and dodges away through the falling snow.

Everything would be so much better if you could just shoot them dead, before scooping them up for your experiments.

“But nooooooooo!” You throw your hands in the air as you trod back up to your house.  You proceed to poorly imitate your good friend John. “ _The frogs have to be alive, Jade! That’s the only way it will work!_ ”

You’re still grumbling when you reach your front door. A quick snack and maybe a nap, before heading back out into the snow… That sounds like a good plan.

Your house is pretty cool, if you don’t say so yourself. Your grandfather had it built for himself on a remote island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. You’ve lived there most of your life, enjoying the sun, the sand, and the waves. It was nice, save for the lack of human contact.

Dave, John, and Rose were the only other people you talked to growing up and there’s no one else you’d rather share this rather excellent adventure with. If only, you could actually _share_ it with them.

You whole house had been uprooted, along with your Spartan life, and put to rest on LOFAF after the game began. With the world destroyed, your grandfather missing, and your best friends off doing god-knows-what, you’ve never really felt so alone.

“At least you’re still here, huh Bec?” You crouch down in order to receive a very large and very wet lick across the face.

Your dog, Becquerel, has always been there for you. He’s protected you from the hazards of living on the island, entertained you with fun games of hide and seek, and has served as the furriest pillow ever on several occasions.

“Who’s a good boy?!” You give him a stellar belly rub, when he flops down onto his back. “Who’s a best friend?!”

You’re about to tell him the answer to your questions, when your ear muffs buzz against your ear. You were so caught up in greeting Bec that you forgot to take off your winter gear.

“Oh, better see who is calling!”

You slap your palm gently over your ear muff, answering the call.  Please let it be one of your friends…

“JADE! DID YOU ANSWER YOUR GOG-DAMNED PHONE YET?!?! I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOUR SORRY, HUMAN ASS!”

“Oh. Hey, Karkat.” You try not to sigh too loudly.

“Thanks for finally picking up! I didn’t know whether you’d walked yourself off a cliff or had just been too busy playing ‘Hive’ to do anything worthwhile.”

“Hey! I’m doing something worthwhile. It’s called rebuilding our whole universe, you big jerk!”

“Yeah, you’re building a brand new Human Universe, which is about the most worthless universe you can make. Within a decade you fleshy pink assholes will probably screw it up all over again.”

“What do you mean?”

“I _mean_ , that humans are like the Anti-King Midas: Everything you touch turns to shit!”

“How do you even know who that is? Do you have King Midas on Trollaria?”

“Trollaria?! Did you just try and guess the name of our planet?”

“NO!” You quickly try and save face. “John told me that’s what it was called!”

“Fuck me! He’s an even bigger idiot than I thought!”

“That’s mean! John’s a nice guy.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. He may be _nice_ but he has the intelligence of a sign post. With him behind the wheel of this shoddy human party, I’m surprised you all haven’t driven off a cliff yet!”

“What are you talking about? Are you saying that John has a car?”

“Holy shit! You’re an idiot too!” He groans. “I had such high hopes for you too, Jade. NO, JOHN DOESN’T HAVE A DAMN CAR! HE’S JUST AN IDIOT WHO CAN’T KEEP _IT_ IN HIS PANTS!”

You’re even more confused than ever.

“What are you talking about!?” You repeat a little louder this time.

Bec has climbed back to his feet and is now standing next to you, his hair bristling and his fangs bared. You pat him on the back, smoothing down his frazzled hair.

“Vriska effing Serket has gotten her little, dirty claws under your friend’s skin. Now he’s following her around like a lost wriggler and bending over backwards whenever she’s gotten a little too hot and a little too bothered.”

You guess Karkat’s trying to say that John and that troll, Vriska, had sex…

That’s probably the grossest thing you’ve ever heard.

 _Bending over backwards? Little, dirty claws? Wrigglers!?_ WHAT DOES TROLL SEX EVEN CONSIST OF!!!

You’re starting to feel a little queasy and Bec helps you over to a chair so that you can sit down for a bit. Karkat’s chattering away loudly in your ear, but you’re only half listening. John is a _really_ nice guy and you can’t imagine him being a poon-hound or whatever. If anyone was going to be bumping uglies during a mission of galactic proportions, you’d think it would be Dave instead of John.

To you, Dave is essentially like a real life James Bond. He’s suave, smooth, smart, stealthy and probably something else that starts with an ‘s’. He’s really fucking cool too, don’t forget about that.

Karkat’s still yelling.

“… and then Dave’s bothering Terezi twenty-four seven, completely failing miserably to get anywhere near to the inside of her pants…”

“Whoa, hold up! Dave’s hitting on Terezi?!” That’s news to you. Something about the thought of Terezi swooning in Dave’s arms makes your stomach roll over. You’re surprised to find that you feel sicker than ever.

“Yeah, it’s really sad. It’s totally not working at all either.” Despite his words, Karkat doesn’t sound convinced and you can understand why.

Dave’s such an awesome guy. He could get any girl he wanted, at any time he wanted. There’s not a foxy lady out there who wouldn’t want a slice of the Strider Magic.

You’ve never felt this sick before.

“I mean, seriously,” Karkat continues. “Why can’t you humans leave us alone? After the new universe is created you’ll have to populate it amongst yourselves anyways!”

A little barf stings your throat and you swallow it quickly.

“What the flying fuck are you talking about!?!”

“Well you can’t exactly mate with us, can you? You’ll have to pair up with either John or Dave after this is all over.”

“I- I… hadn’t thought of that.”

“Wow, fucking amazing. It appears that the only person concerned with the perpetuation of the human species is me, A GOG-DAMED ALEIN TROLL!”

“But I can’t marry John! We’re ecto-siblings, or something!”

“Yeah and since incest is apparently out of the question, plus the fact that John is apparently “ _not a homosexual” ,_ whatever that means, you’re only left with one option. Am I right?”

“Me and… Dave?”

“WHOOP WHOOP! RING THE BELL FOLKS! WE HAVE A FUCKING WINNER OVER HERE!”

So when the end comes, you’ll have to marry Dave, and John will have to marry Rose, according to Karkat at the very least. You don’t know how to feel about that at the moment. Right now all you feel is your stomach practicing gymnastics in your body cavity.

You lean forward and Bec puts his head in your lap. You scratch behind his ears gently.

“Is there actually a reason for why you called? Or did you just want to cheer yourself up by ruining my life?”

You don’t know why you sound so dead all of the sudden. It wasn’t like Karkat had condemned you or anything. You guess the problem is that you don’t really like to think about the future and all of its mystery. You prefer the action and adventure of the present. With something, even predicted love, hanging over your head, everything just feels a little less exciting.

“Yeah, as a matter of fact there is a reason for this conversation. Man, did I get sidetracked.” Karkat laughs nervously and you’re surprised to hear his voice quiver slightly. “Look, I’m sorry I was so rude, Jade. There’s just some serious shit going down on my end, okay?”

“What’s happening?” You stand up and start to pace. Not because you’re all that worried about anything, it’s just that sitting still for too long gets you feeling antsy.

“Nothing for you to worry about, just… troll stuff.”

“Uh, okay?”

“Yeah, anyways down to business: John’s future wife has been kidnapped by Jack Noir and there’s going to be a rescue mission, an ill-advised, totally foolish, sloppy rescue mission.”

“Rose has been kidnapped!” Okay scratch that previous statement. Now you’re totally worried about something. “Oh my god, why didn’t anyone tell me?!”

“Because apparently no one thinks you deserve to know anything! But don’t worry. Once again I’ve taken it upon myself to insure the success of you humans and your barely functioning brain-orbs. You are encouraged to not hold your applause.”

 _Rose kidnapped? Jack Noir? Sloppy rescue mission?!_ WHY DOESN’T ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING!!!

The next time you see a certain Friendleader, someone is getting their ass kicked.

“Spoiler alert! It’s John!”

“What did you just say?” Karkat must have heard your outburst.

“Never mind, I’m just thinking aloud. Where is Rose being held? Where are John and Dave?”

“Rose is in a castle on LOWAS along with your grandpa and the rest of your guardians. John is probably off somewhere getting probed by Vriska and Dave is still on LOHAC. I think he’s dead, actually.”

“WHAT! NO SHUT UP, THAT’S NOT FUNNY KARKAT. THAT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!”

“Relax, Jegus Christ! He’ll be fine. After he wakes up, I’ll make sure that he comes and gets you before going to LOWAS.”

“So he’s asleep, then?”

“What, no! He’s not asleep. He’s dead. It’s complicated and it doesn’t concern you right now!”

“Whatever! He’s one of my best friends! It totally concerns me!”

“Not to sound omnipotent or overly mysterious but: All will be explained at a later date. Understood?” Without waiting for you to answer, Karkat continues. “Just stay put and wait for Dave. He’ll come and get you. As your superior, that is my command. Goodbye, Jade.”

“No, Karkat wait!” You still have so many questions. It’s too late though, since he’s already hung up. “DAMMIT!”

You kick the nearest thing, which just so happens to be your kitchen table. Instantly you regret it as a wave of pain shoots its way up your foot.

Grumbling obscenities not fit for human ears, or troll ears for that matter, you begin to pace once more.

“ _Stay put and wait for Dave!”_ It turns out you can poorly imitate Karkat as well. “I don’t have to wait for Dave! I’m not some princess locked in a tower and he sure as hell isn’t some knight in shining armor! BEC GET YOUR THINGS, WE’RE MOVING OUT!”

Your loyal companion is instantly by your side. You grab your rifle and sling it over your shoulder.

“Fuck Karkat. Fuck John. Fuck this shitty planet. And fuck these DAMN FROGS!”

You’re going to get some shit done.

You’re going to LOWAS.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

You start walking.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re in Equius Zahhak’s lab, hidden on LOWAS.  More specifically you’re sitting rather uncomfortably in a chair, twiddling your thumbs while Vriska is having surgery in the next room.

“I wouldn’t worry about purr.” Says Nepeta Leijon, another troll who’s currently curled up on a nearby desk. “Equius is the best robotics master effur!”

You don’t know how long Equius and Nepeta have been holed up in this lab, following Karkat’s orders, but if you had to guess, they’d been here for much too long. Nepeta had practically pounced on you when the door had been opened, which was weird enough, but then the cat puns started and honestly now you don’t know what to think.

Equius is an entirely different story, almost the complete opposite of the childish Nepeta. He is big, while she is small. He is quiet too and very strong looking. It’s hard for you to imagine him performing the small, complex operations you most associate with surgery.

“Hey, Johnkitty! Do mew want to see something cool!” Nepeta is looking at you excitedly, her large round eyes open wide.

“Uh, no thanks.” You say. “I think I just want to wait here.”

“Oh, okay.” She deflates slightly and goes back to resting on the desk.

You sigh and take off your glasses to clean them on your shirt. It’s been a long day and you are extremely tired. Not to mention you’re frustrated that Vriska got hurt, forcing you to abandon your sloppy rescue mission.

Don’t get yourself wrong, you’re really worried about Vriska too. She went from eight pupils to only one in the timespan of about two seconds. Seeing her hurt like that had made you feel… something.

You weren’t scared or grossed out. You weren’t exactly calm either, though. You have a sneaking suspicion that you might be developing feelings for Vriska, which is sort of disturbing.

She killed you, right? That’s not typically an activity you associate with courtship and yet...

You want her to be okay. More than anything else, you just want everyone to be okay.

A scratching noise pulls you from you thoughts and you find that Nepeta is doodling on some scratch paper.  Her little lips are turned down in a frown and the tip of her tongue is poking out the side of her mouth in concentration.

On a whim, you get up from you chair and go over to see what she is drawing. You catch a glimpse of one doodle, two letters that have been delicately traced, surrounded by hearts, and then underlined vigorously.

“Who’s _KV_?” You ask innocently.

Nepeta shrieks and shoves the paper into her mouth, swallowing it whole. She then wheels on you with a hiss.

“Uh, what the fuck?” You blink and wisely take a step back.

“A word fur the wise, Johnkitty. No one sneaks up on the mighty huntress and gets away with it.” Nepeta growls at you.

“Er, I don’t understand.” You take another step.

“Let meow put it this way,” Nepeta slides off the desk and turns away from you. “It would just be pawful if something fur to _happen_ to you.”

As Nepeta saunters away, the light catches on a set of silver claws attached to her fingers and you swallow involuntarily.

You decide to keep what you saw to yourself. You’re pretty socially inept, but you can tell when you’ve just intruded on something private. Better not risk getting your eyes clawed out simply because you can’t keep your nose out of other people’s business.

You cast about for something to distract yourself with.

There isn’t much to see around the lab, the desks, chairs and tables are all made of plain steel. A few scraps of metal and circuitry are scattered around the floor and a door against the far wall leads towards Equius’s and Nepeta’s rooms. The surgery room is also in that direction, but you don’t feel like going in there just yet.

Seeing an unconscious, mutilated Vriska wouldn’t raise his spirits and you doubt you’d be much help to Equius anyways.

You heading back to your chair when, speak of the devil, the door is thrown open and Equius squeezes his bulk though the entryway.

“It is done.” He says, crossing his arms. “Vriska will live thanks to my work.”

“Oh fuck yeah! Thank you, Equius!” You rush up and shake his hand. His grip threatens to crush your fingers, but right now you could care less. “Is she awake? Can I see her?”

Equius thinks for a moment before shaking his head.

“She has asked not to see you.”

You simply stand there and blink at him for a moment. The stupid grin you had when you heard that Vriska was okay slowly melts from your face.

“What are you talking about?” You demand.

“She told me not to let you in.” Equius shrugs. “I’m sorry.”

“Well you don’t sound sorry!” You’re suddenly angry. “She saved my life back there and she would have died if I didn’t bring her here! We’re Matesprits, for fuck’s sake! I should get to see her!”

“I don’t know what you want me to do.” Equius crosses his arms again. The motion is so nonchalant and cold it really pisses you off.

You don’t like being angry, but it just seems like a lot of things are getting on your nerves recently. You’re done with this bullshit.

You get up in Equius’s face. He’s about a head taller than you, so this really doesn’t have the desired effect. However, you’re running off too much steam to back down now.

“I want _you_ to get out of my way.”

For a second, you think that maybe Equius will grab you by your face; much like a basketball player would grip a basketball, and crush your head like a watermelon. However, the mountain-sized troll simply nods and steps off to the side.

You wait until your out in the hallway to release the breath you’ve been holding. After facing down Equius, you think fighting off Jack Noir will be no problem whatsoever.

The surgery room is a few doors down the hall. You eagerly grab the handle and throw the door open, ready to be reunited with your Vriska.

Her back is turned toward you when you step inside, and she is sitting on steel table, which looks much too hard and cold to comfortable. Your grey shirt is draped carefully over a nearby chair. One of its sleeves is missing and torn and you take a second to mourn. You really liked that shirt, but Vriska can have it now that it’s ruined.

“Hey, Vriska! How are you…”

She turns as you stars to speak and once she catches sight of you, all hell breaks loose.

“WHAT THE FUCK! YOU CAN’T BE IN HERE!” She shrieks and throws herself to the floor behind the table, hiding herself from your line of sight.

“What? why? What’s wrong?” You take a step forward and you hear her scuffling on the floor. “Vriska?”

You peek over the table and duck as a shoe flies over your head.

“Vriska!” You shout and retreat backwards, dodging her other shoe.

“GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!” She’s on her feet now, grabbing anything she can find and hurling it in your direction. All the while, she’s careful to keep her face pointed directly away from you, as if she can’t stand the sight of you.

“Stop! Vriska, please!”

A beaker shatters against the wall next to your ear and a calculator bounces off of your shoulder. You deflect her next projectile (a computer keyboard) with a gust of wind and decide that you’ve had enough.

You start walking forward and Vriska must sense your motion, because she recoils as if she’s being beaten.

“STOP!” She snarls. “JUST GO AWAY!”

Vriska has run out of things to keep you at bay and now she’s crawled into the corner, sobbing hysterically.

“Vriska?” You crouch down about a foot away. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“N- no. Please, just… get out of here.”

“Why? What did I do?” You scoot forward on your knees, forcing her to curl up tighter around herself. “Vriska, I don’t understand.”

“Of course not! You fucking idiot!” She’s talking into her knees so you have to strain to hear her. “You don’t understand anything.”

That’s probably the one thing you do understand: that everything is ineffable.

“Will you just look at me for a second and explain why you’re acting like this?”

“No.”

“Why not.”

“You’ll hate me.”

That catches you off guard.

“Vriska, I would never _hate_ you. Why would you ever think that?”

“ _Why?_ ” She mocks you with growl. “Because I’m hideous!”

She raises her head and looks at you then, uncurling her arms and opening herself to your inspection.

You swallow hard. The first thing you notice is the arm. Her flesh and blood has been replaced with metal and wires. It’s smooth, shiny, and it wouldn’t look out of place in a Star Wars film. That isn’t so bad.

It’s the eye that gets you.

Equius may be a master of mechanical prosthetics, but he isn’t a seamstress. Instead of giving Vriska a sweet robot eye like you had expected, her eye-lids have been sewn messily together in an effort to cover up the gaping hole in her face.

You try looking at the jagged lines for as long as you can, biting the inside of your cheek. Eventually though, you can’t help it.

You look away.

Vriska lets out a sob that breaks your heart and folds herself up in the corner. Hot tears prick at your eyes and you wipe at them angrily.

You are the worst and that’s really all there is to say on the matter.

You need to say something, anything.

“I- I, uh… I don’t care what you look like, Vriska. It’s not a big deal and it never has been.” You rub the back of your neck. “I mean, I like you no matter what you look like. You have a good heart and you’re really smart and nice and… I _still_ think you’re beautiful.”

You wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t. Instead, Vriska goes eerily quiet.

You wait. You wait some more and yet, nothing happens.

Very slowly, as if she might bite you, you scoot forward some more. She doesn’t retreat this time and allows you to wrap your arms around her.

Her head goes under your chin, scraping your cheek with it’s horn in the process. You don’t mind though. Vriska’s body is flush against yours and you’re surprised to find how comfortable you are with her pressed up against you.

You’ve lain together before, but this is much different than the animalistic lust ritual you both undertook earlier. She’s not _taking_ you this time and you aren’t taking her either. You’re both… sharing each other.

You decide that you like that.

You bury your face in her dark bushy hair and breathe in her scent. It’s heavy and overwhelming. It smells like the wilderness, warm breezes, salty ocean, and hot sun. You feel lightheaded.

Her body squirms against yours and she looks up just as you look down. Your two eyes meet her one and she mutters quietly.

“You thought I was beautiful?”

“Vriska, you _are_ beautiful.”

And as your lips meet, you start to wonder if maybe you aren’t as bad at this as you thought.

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are Jade Harley. Hope you brought your coats, cause it’s cold as dicks out here.

You are slowly but surely making your way towards a set of docks erected about a mile south of your home. From there you could find transport to LOWAS and participate fully in this sloppy rescue mission.

Bec is trotting faithfully ahead of you, cutting a swathe though the thick snow and making it easier for you to walk.

“What a good dog.” You smile. “You really are my best friend, huh?”

“Watch what you say, Harley. Some of your other friends might get jealous.” Says a voice from behind you.

You whirl around, bringing your rifle up and pointing it directly into the sunglass-wearing face of one Dave Strider.

“But then again,” Dave continues as if there isn’t a gun pointed at his nose. “No one could replace me, right? I’m like the core of an apple.”

“The part that everyone throws away?” You smirk and pat Bec’s back. He was just as startled by Dave’s sudden appearance as you were.

“Nope, the part that holds the seeds and after the body of the apple is eaten, I become fertilizer for the earth, giving birth to a bounty of fresh apple trees, each growing their own apples with their own cores. I perpetuate my existence through repopulation. Essentially I live forever, bitches.”  He throws a pair of middle fingers towards the sky and you fail to stifle a giggle.

“You know, I was really pissed at you until now.” You admit. “Like I had this whole plan that as soon as I saw you I would give you this big talk about friendship and sharing and how you should always tell me what’s going on. But now I see that I can never stay mad at you, Dave!”

“I know,” Dave taps his shades. “It’s because I’m cool.”

“The coolest.” You correct with a grin.

The corner of his mouth twitches up and from Dave, that’s about as close to a full blown smile as you can get.  You both simply just stand there and look happily at each other for a second.

Then you notice his clothes.

“Uh, Dave.” You giggle lightly. “What the hell are you wearing?”

“Oh, this old thing?” Dave does a full three-sixty spin, showing you his blood-red cape and hood. “I thought I’d dress up for you, Harley? Do you like it?”

“Do I ever!” You laugh and throw your arms around his neck.

He stiffens for a moment before returning the embrace. You’re surprised by how warm he is. It’s like there’s a fire in his chest keeping him warm.

_“Or maybe he’s just hot.”_

You giggle against his chest, grateful that you’d managed to not say that out loud.

“But in all seriousness,” Dave steps back and you immediately miss his warmth. “I’m something of an ultra-god-mega-warrior now. More specifically, I’m the Knight of Time and I’ve come on my gleaming chariot to sweep you off your dainty feet and storm the castle, or something like that. Also, I can travel though time.”

You’re giggling until he gets to the last sentence, then you just burst out laughing.

“Dave, you’re so silly!”

“No, I’m serious. That’s a thing I can do.”

“Whatever!” You grab his arm, ready to get back on your quest. “Look we need to get down to the docks so we can…”

You stop chattering when you see something that literally blows your mind.

Through the snow, a red blob slowly becomes more visible and soon enough, a second Dave is striding towards you over the field of white.

“Sup.” Both Dave’s greet each other in unison with a sweet fist-bump.

You don’t really know what to say, so you just stare at both of them while Bec growls from your side.

“Yo, Harley.” Says the second Dave. “Could you domesticate your wolf-beast a little more? I think he’s a little discombobulated by this whole time-travel demonstration.

“This is a demonstration?” You ask, looking between both Dave’s as you pat Bec’s head.

“You bet your sweet ass, it is.” The first Dave smirks again. “You didn’t believe me, so I made a mental note to travel back in time an hour from now so that I could prove it to you.”

“So an hour after this conversation,” Second Dave picks up. “I travel back in time to right now, to prove to you that my time-travel powers are completely legit and totally sweet.”

You just nod your head, feeling your smile creep back onto your face.

“Of course! I knew if anyone had awesome powers it would be you, Dave!”

“Damn straight.” Both Dave’s agreed.

“Well kids, this has been a regular blast, but I really should be heading back now. Future Jade and I were kind of in the middle of something.” Future Dave spins his hands in a circle and two turntables materialize out of thin air. “See you bitches later.” He says as he disappears.

You don’t know for certain, but it feels like someone just played a totally wicked guitar solo somewhere in the distance.

“So anyway,” The remaining Dave steps forward, holding out his elbow. You take it and together you both start forward again. “What were you saying about docks?”

“Oh yeah, this whole demonstration of raw magical power got me distracted, huh?” You clutch Dave’s arm a little tighter and watch Bec plow ahead of you though the snow. With your two boys here, you feel a whole lot better about… well, everything! “There are some airships parked down by the frozen sea,” You explain. “We can take one straight to LOWAS!”

“That sounds like a plan I can throw in a pan…” He begins.

“… And bake into something sweet!” You finish.

You bark with laughter while he smirks again.

You fully realize that Dave and your combo jokes aren’t funny to anyone besides the two of you. But honestly, that just makes you appreciate them all the more.

“Why was I so disturbed by the prospect of marrying Dave?” You wonder.

“Wh- What?!” Dave heard you.

Shit. Think fast, Harley.

“I mean, why was I so disturbed by the prospect of… carrying… Maize?”

“Maize?”

“Yeah, you know… like… corn and shit.”

“Oh.”

You’re a smooth as butter in a skillet, just sliding all over the place and coating the world in your fatty grease.

“So you have to carry Maize?” Dave asks.

“Oh yeah, all the time. It used to really bother me, but not anymore. HAHA!”  You force the laugh and hope that he drops it.

“Oh, okay. I gotcha.” Dave wraps his arm around your shoulder and you give a little ‘ _eep’_ of surprise. “When I was little my Bro used to drag me up to the roof of our apartment for rap battles. I didn’t like them at first either, but now I’m like a rap master. This one time, Bro and I…”

He slows to a stop and you slip out of his grasp as you keep walking.

“Dave?” You turn when you realize he isn’t moving.

“Uh, yeah?”

“You alright?”

“Yeah, I just… I…” He drags a hand over his forehead and you notice that it’s slick with sweat.

“Hey,” You take a step towards him and grab his hand as it moves back down. “Dave, what’s wrong?”

“Just… thinking about my Bro, I guess”

“Don’t worry,” You smile brightly. “We’ll find him!”

“That’s what I’m worried about.” He mutters darkly.

“I’m sure he’s fine.” You start tugging him forward again and he starts to move once more.

You both walk in silence down towards the docks, your smiling and enjoying the feeling of his slender fingers laced with yours, and Dave's scowling and kicking at the snow as he trudges on.

By the time you reach the docks the LOFAF sun is starting to set. Bec trots down to the edge of the frozen lake and stares out across the ice. You leave him to keep watch while you and Dave investigate the air-ship moored nearby.

“Who painted this thing?” Dave asks, inspecting the bright gold ship. “Scrooge McDuck?”

You snort with laughter and walk around the far side looking for a ladder.

“I don’t know who painted it. This thing has just always been here.”

“You’ve never taken to the skies in this bad boy before?”

“Nope, I don’t really know how to fly it actually.”

You find a ladder and ascend onto the deck of the ship. Every single inch of the craft is blindingly gold, but you don’t really mind. It’s a pretty color, in your opinion.

“Well it can’t be that hard to fly, just kick it a few times.” Dave advises as he climbs aboard.

“Yeah that always works in the movies, right?” You giggle.

“You’re asking the wrong guy. Shitty movies are John’s thing. I’m all about ill beats and radical tunes.”

There’s a wheel at the rear of the ship, probably for steering. As you examine it, you start to wonder about your other friends.

“Do you think Rose is okay?” You ask, absentmindedly scratching the wheel with a fingernail.

“I don’t know.” Dave is leaning over the side of the vessel, simply staring at the ground a few yards below. “But we’re going to find out, okay?”

You smile.

“Okay!”

You nearly jump out of your skin when Bec starts barking like mad. You join Dave at the edge of the ship and you both stare at Bec. He’s racing along the shore, barking, and pointing with his nose towards the sky.

You look up and see a blur of motion descending quickly through the dark clouds. You watch the blur crash into the frozen lake and descend beneath its surface just as the sun sets.

“What was that?” You ask.

“I don’t…” Dave never gets to finish his sentence, because at that moment the blur blasts up through the ice again. The thing, whatever it is, lands on the shore next to Bec. You squint though the early evening light and are relieved to see that it’s just Dave’s Bro.

“Hey it’s your Bro!” You smile widely. “That was a sweet dive he just did. It was probably really cold though. Do you think he needs a towel?”

Dave doesn’t answer. He’s frozen like a statue.

Bec is barking at Bro, but Bro doesn’t seem to notice or care. He jumps up and lands gracefully on the deck of the ship.

“Wow that was a sweet jump!” You say.

“JADE, RUN!!!”

You’re surprised to hear Dave scream, you’ve never heard his voice rise above an ironic level of volume. You’re even more surprised when Bro lunges toward you, his sword flashing in the moonlight like a streak of silver.

Dave’s suddenly in front of you, parrying Bro’s sword with his own. Dave isn’t using his typical katana. Instead he is wielding a medieval blade that easily looks ten times more threatening and over fifty times cooler.

You back up, grabbing your rifle off of your shoulder uncertainly. It’s Dave’s Bro! You aren’t going to shoot him! You hope that this is just another one of their practice fights, but as soon as Bro slashes his blade across Dave’s arm and then round-house kicks him in the face, you decide that this can’t go on any longer.

The round-house kick delivered to his face via Bro’s foot sends Dave tumbling over the side of the ship. You hear him land on the ground in a heap.

Your rifle is raised. Bro is coming towards you.

**STRIFE!**

You fire a shot that Bro deflects with his sword. Man he’s really good at this!

You twirl out of the way as he makes a slice at your head and you hear the blade whistle past your ear with the power and volume of a speeding train. You cock your rifle and fire a shot at his stomach, close range. Bro flashsteps out of the way and the bullet blasts a hole in the deck of the ship.

Bro’s closing in again, you raise your gun a little too slow and his sword comes down. The metal hacks through your rifle, and the barrel falls away to _thud_ against the deck of the ship.

There’s also a lot of blood for some reason and it takes you a moment to realize that he has also chopped off two of your fingers in the process of disarming you.

Then you remember to scream.

You fall to your knees, pressing your bloody hand to your stomach. Tears are streaking down your face and your vision is swimming before your eyes. You look up and barely register that Bro is raising his sword once more.

“D-Da- DAVE!!!”

The sword descends, your eyes close and you hear a loud grunt.

You open your eyes just in time to watch Bec drag Bro over the edge of the ship. They both disappear and you hear them begin to tussle on the ground.

You’re knees are weak but your force yourself to your feet. You wobble over to the wheel of the ship and slump down next to it. You need to get out of here.

“No! Not without Dave and Bec!”

You decide to at least start the ship though and see a button fixed next to the wheel. You punch it with your good hand. The ship buzzes to life underneath you and you sigh with relief.

You hear a loud howl of pain and recognize no human could have made that noise.

“Bec!”

You half crouch-walk/crawl to the railing and peer over to find Bec lying alone on the frosty ground. He’s breathing heavily and there’s a lot of blood leaking from his side.

You dangle you’re good hand over the ground, as if offering him a lift up.

“Come on, Bec! Get up!”

He doesn’t move, save for the short, rapid rise and fall of his chest.

“Come on, Bec! You can do it! Come on!”

Somewhere on the ground behind you, you can hear the clash of swords.

“Bec, please! You have to get up! COME ON!”

He’s too heavy to carry normally, let alone with a wounded hand. You’d have to get him up the ladder too, which seems neigh impossible.

“Bec!” The tears never stopped flowing, but they’re coming harder than ever. They’re raining down on your best friend, dripping onto his fur and mixing with the blood. “You have to get up!”

You realize that you’re gradually rising higher and higher into the air.

“No.”

You turn and look at the wheel. It’s turning gently, ever so slightly in the breeze.

“DAVE! BEC!” You yell but no one comes. You look back towards the ground, Bec is looking smaller.

“PLEASE!” You scream down to him. “BEC, COME ONE!!!”

He doesn’t come. For the first time ever, Bec doesn’t answer your call.

“You’re such a good boy!” You scream down to him. He probably can’t hear you though. “You’re the good boy, Bec!”

The ship is higher than the snow covered trees now. You could stop the ship if you could just make it over to the wheel. However, your legs don’t work and you’re crying too much to see.

You squeeze your eyes shut, open your mouth, and scream until your throat is sore.

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too, being Jade Harley kind of sucks right now.

Not that being you is much better.

Your Bro punches you in the face and knocks you back on your ass. You try to push yourself back up again, but his boot comes down on your chest and the tip of his sword presses to your throat.

Over his shoulder you can see the golden ship sailing up through the clouds and you can hear Jade screams. You hear her shout your name a few times and you want to tell her that you’re coming, but you don’t. 

She probably can’t hear you.

And you’re probably going to die pretty soon too.

You wait for the final little shove your Bro needs to end your life, but it doesn’t come. He’s just standing there above you, pressing on your Adam’s Apple with his blade.

“Well look at that,” As you talk the blade cuts into your neck. “You won. Surprise, surprise.”

Bro is deadly silent. His face, impassive behind his dark, pointed shades.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” You choke. “But this isn’t you, Bro. You don’t do this.”

There is a vein pulsing on Bro’s temple. It’s swelling up rapidly giving you the impression that it might burst.

Very slowly you start to move your hands in gentle circles.

“Whatever has happened to you, I’m going to fix it.” Your turntables materialize against your palms. “I promise.”

In a flash, Bro is gone, the golden ship which was already slowly disappearing is gone, a dying Bec is gone, and now you are just lying in the snow all alone.

You’re tempted to rest there, staring up at the sun for the rest of your life. It’s better than facing Jade again or your Bro for that matter. How would Jade ever look at you the same, knowing that her good dog died because of your brother.

You roll over and bury your face in the snow. It’s really cold and for a second you wish you were on LOHAC. Then you wish you were dead.

You hear voices, making their way towards you.

With a grimace you push yourself to your feet.

Might as well get this over with.

“Whatever!” A voice says. “Look we need to get down to the docks so we can…”

You stride forward and greet yourself with a simple “Sup” and a fist-bump.

Should you have told your past self what he was walking into?

But you don’t, something about your time-travel powers warns you against disrupting the natural progression of things. When you were Past Dave meeting Future Dave, you didn’t get any warning and now as Future Dave you do not warn Past Dave.

That’s simply the way things are.

Once that conversation is over, you time travel forward again.

You’re back on the shore of the frozen lake, your Bro and Bec’s corpse are now gone. You grab your sword from where it lays on the ground, sit on the beach, and cry for the first time in your life.

You’ll call Jade later, make sure she’s okay. She’ll need you to be strong for her. John, Rose, Terezi, everyone will need you to be strong.

But right now, you’re going to sit on the beach and you’re going to cry. Because right now you don’t feel very strong at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it turns out that I lied. We don't see Rose this chapter. However, she's coming up soon. I promise.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	5. ACT 1 - PART 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kombo and The_Sage for commenting. You guys rock ultimate.

=> Be Jack Noir

You are Jack Noir. A well-established douche bag.

Sitting in your throne room, staring at your paintings, listening to the  _pit pat_  of rain the glass windows, you experience an emotion you’ve never felt before, until now.

You are fucking bored.

You had assumed that the players would come racing up to your castle, hell-bent on rescuing their friend, Rose. However, you haven’t seen head or tail of those damn kids.

Maybe you made a mistake sending the brother out to kill them. It’s possible that you overestimated the skills of the players. The only logical explanation for their absence is that: the brother was simply too much for a challenge for them to overcome. In short, they’ll all dead now.

But that isn’t possible, you tell yourself. You would know if all the players were dead. The game would be over. You would have already won.

So what, in the name of all that is evil, is taking them so long!?

Your head is resting against your palm when the door opens. It’s a long walk from the main entryway to your throne, so you have a good amount of time to examine your visitor.

It’s the brother. He has returned, and he is carrying… something.

Your black heart leaps. Could he have brought you one of the players? You had ordered him to kill them on sight, but then again you’ve always praised the brother on his resilience. It’s possible that he’s been fighting off your commands in favor of keeping the kids alive. It doesn’t matter though, a death by his sword or by yours makes no difference.

The brother lays his delivery at your feet and you can clearly see who it is for the first time. Or, more accurately,  _what_ it is.

It’s a dog. The brother has brought you a dead dog.

You resist the urge to start a very sarcastic slow-clap. Talk about a cock tease, huh? That was a whole lot of buildup for absolutely nothing.

You’re about to condemn the brother to the same level of usefulness as the imps, until you notice something. The dog is still alive.

It’s large chest is slowly, harshly, moving up and down with the ragged motion of life.

But that’s not all folks! With your evil powers you can  _sense_ the dog. It has energy and power still inside of it. It has the strength of a wild animal and the knowledge of an elder human. This dog is actually quite the remarkable creature.

It appears that in penance for not completing the task that you had assigned him, the brother has brought you a little gift.

You banish the brother and then kneel down next to your present. With your dark magic, you will make this dog’s strength your own. You will become more powerful than before, more powerful than ever.

In a matter of seconds, the process is complete. There are a few side-effects of course, but nothing you cannot handle.

It has happened. You’re already blown up ego and self-assurance has been increased tenfold.

You are now Bec Noir.

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. You cannot fathom what you’ve just finished watching.

It’s completely ineffable.

Jade and Strider verses that one human with the pointy shades and the sweet moves. Your little heart twists painfully as you watch Jade sobbing on the deck of her golden ship. It’s drifting freely, heading vaguely in the direction of LOWAS. You’d lost track of Strider after he travelled through time, but you don’t really care all the much about him. It’s watching Jade, alone on that ship, that makes it hard to breathe on account of the lump forming in your throat.

You need to call a meeting  _right now._

“EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES UP! THIS IS IMPORTANT.”

You tear off your head set, push back your chair, and clamber onto your desk, giving yourself a clear view of the entire room.

You watch as all of your fellow trolls (with varying amounts of annoyance) get up from their own chairs and make their way towards you. After they have assembled below you, you clear your throat before you begin speaking.

“As you all may know…”

“Excuse me,” Sollux interrupts you in the first two seconds. “But is this going to take long? I was working on something.”

“It will take as long as I want it to take, understood? Okay, as you all may…”

“Hold on a second,” Gamzee interrupts two seconds after Sollux. “Is this about those motherfucking humans?”

“Yes! It’s about the fucking humans!” You squeeze the bridge of your nose between your fingers and start again. “Okay, as you all…”

“Hehehe. Karkat!” Terezi cackles. “You keep getting interrupted. Hehe.”

 “SHUT THE FUCK UP! DAMMIT! I SWEAR TO ALL OF YOU: I WOULD NOT BE WASTING MY PRECIOUS BREATH ON YOU FILTHY SLIME SUCKERS IF THIS WASN’T FUCKING IMPORTANT! SO JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN FOR A SECOND, OKAY?!?” You heave a mighty sigh and press two fingers against your neck. Great, you’re blood pressure is up. Could this day get any worse? “Alright, as you…”

“Ahem.” You’re surprised to find that it’s Kanaya who interrupts you. That’s a shame, you really liked her too. However, now she has to die. “Has anyone seen Eridan?” She asks.

You take a moment to scan the assembled crew. Vriska, Equius, and Nepeta are out of the base as of now, but you know where they are. The only member of your party that is unaccounted for is, in fact, Eridan.

“Where the hell is he?” You demand, looking from person to person. Everyone shrugs collectively, with the exception of Feferi. “You!” You jab a finger in her direction, causing her to jump visibly. “Where the fuck is that water-breathing, cape-wearing, fish-pailing, wizard wannabe?”

“Uh,” Feferi shifts uncomfortably under your scrutiny. “Last I saw him, he was in his room.”

“Well then go get him!”

“I- well… can’t someone else do it?”

“What’s wrong, Feferi?” Aradia pipes up. “Isn’t he your boyfriend?”

Feferi looks like nothing would satisfy her more than to just melt into a puddle at this very moment.

“We uh, kind of… well, glubbed up.” She crosses her arms over her chest and then amends herself forcefully. “I mean,  _broke_  up.”

“You broke up?” You repeat. “As in, you broke up right now?”

“Well it was like an hour ago.” She addresses the group now. “You all know how demanding he is and just plain old dramatic and weird. It just wasn’t working out!”

Everyone sighs collectively and there is a times seven face-palm combo. All the trolls assembled know that for the next decade they will probably be subject to the heartbroken moaning of Eridan’s shattered love life. You try and resist the urge to kick something.

You fail and send your computer mouse flying across the room

“DAMMIT, FEFERI! YOU COULDN’T HAVE WAITED UNTIL THIS CRITICAL PART OF THE GAME WAS FINISHED!!!”

“I’m… I’m sorry! I just couldn’t take it anymore!”

“I DON’T CARE, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE AND GO MAKE UP WITH HIM. WE CAN’T BE DEALING WITH SLOVENLY BREAKUPS RIGHT NOW! THERE’S BETTER-QUALITY SHIT GOING ON!” You point towards the door and she scurries away, looking close to tears.

“You may have been a touch too tough there, Karkles.” Terezi chuckles, leaning casually on her cane.

“Don’t you dare,” You hiss. “Fucking call me that name ever again, understood?”

Terezi doesn’t flinch away from the malice in your voice. She simply grins and rocks back on her heels, fueling your already out of control hate-fire.

You take a second to get your breathing under control. There’s no point in having a rage-induced seizure attack in front of everyone. You withhold your mental breakdown for another day.

“ALRIGHT EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP! I HATE YOU ALL, ETCETERA, ETCETERA.” You clear your throat and decide to not wait for the fishy love birds, Feferi and Eridan. You’ll have Kanaya fill them in later. “Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, there’s some important business to take care of. As you all may know, the humans have taken it upon themselves to royally fuck everything up by attempting a sloppy rescue mission.”

“Who’s been taken?” Asks Tavros unexpectedly. He looks worried and honestly, you’re caught off guard by the thought that he would even speak up. Usually he’s the one hiding in the back of the group during these important meetings.

“Rose Lalonde is being held in Jack Noir’s castle on LOWAS.” You allow Kanaya to explain. “The humans deem it prudent that her rescue be completed, before continuing on the next part of their quest. I agree with them, since it’s likely the case that Rose will be integral to the success of their future plans.”

If anything Tavros seems relieved by Kanaya’s words. You’ll investigate that at a later date, specifically when tempers aren’t running quite as hot.

“Kanaya’s right, it appears the humans are on a one track mind to save their friend. However, Kanaya is dead wrong in saying they actually  _need_  Rose.” You see Kanaya’s face harden significantly. You’d suspected that she was getting too attached to the Rose Human. That’s a problem. You need her unbiased opinion on things now more than ever. “If we can somehow convince the humans to abandon Rose then we can get on with the game and hopefully have all of this wrapped up by tomorrow morning.”

“Good luck with that,” Terezi chuckles. “Dave’s not going to abandon his ecto-sister for anything and I doubt the other humans will either.”

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT DAVE FUCKING STRIDER!!!” You roar before you can stop yourself. “He’s a non-issue, completely irrelevant to this conversation!”

“Terezi may have a point though, Karkat.” Aradia adds. “With the activation of SBURB all humans were killed except for the children and their guardians. Since there are so little of their species left, doesn’t it seem important to keep as many of them alive as possible? Maybe we could help them rescue Rose?”

“NO! NO ONE IS GOING TO LOWAS AND NO ONE IS GOING TO BE FIGHTING JACK NOIR FOR THE LIFE OF ONE HUMAN!” You put your foot down now. There’s no way your risking any of your people for Rose. “I’ve already got a plan in the works, to make sure that we can still win this thing. All you have to do is listen to me and do as your told, got it?”

“What’s the motherfucking plan, motherfucker?” You can tell that Gamzee is getting bored by the proceedings.

“It’s simple, we get all of the humans here and then order them to blow up the green sun and initiate the scratch. Jack Noir will lose his source of power, SBURB will be reset, and then we beat the game for real. Easy peasy!”

“All the humans are scattered though, how will we get them all here?”

“Good question, Sollux. We are going to split up, and go out there and find them. It’ll be no challenge at all and you’ll all be back here in no time.”

“I’ll go get Dave!” Terezi’s hand shoots in the air.

“Fuck no!” You snap. “You’re coming with me to get Jade. Sollux and Aradia will get Strider, and I’ll have Equius and Nepeta bring John here. The rest of you will stay in base and give us tech support. Does everyone understand?”

They all nod. Terezi looks a little put out, but honestly you could care less. The further away you keep Terezi from Strider’s annoyingly stoic lips, the better.

With a clap of your hands, the group disperses, with the exception of Terezi, Sollux, and Aradia. You jump down from your desk and address them.

“Get your stuff, we’re leaving right now.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you are currently resting on the hard floor, wrapped up in an embrace with your alien lover.

That’s cool, right?

You are… happy. At least, you think you are. You’ve never been in love before, but you’ve read stories about it, seen countless movies about it, and witnessed it all of your life.

This is love, right?

You feel Vriska shift against you, grinding her body somehow closer to yours. She’s deeply asleep, but her arm comes up and wraps around your back, pressing you closer to her chest. She mumbles something that sounds very similar to “ _mine_ ” and you can’t help but grin a little stupidly.

If this is love, then you’re happily be in love with Vriska.

Her dark hair is hung over half of her face like a curtain, obscuring her missing eye from you view. Very gently, you slide your hand up Vriska’s arm and brush the locks away, tucking them behind her ear.

God that eye is really fucking gross.

You force yourself to stare at it though, examining every stitch and watching as a single tear of blue blood leaks from the corner of her eye. You wipe it away and then cast about for something to wipe your hand with. You settle on your jeans, smearing a blue stain across your thigh, but not really caring.

You’re still staring determinedly at her eye.

 _“How could this ever work out?”_  You wonder. “ _I mean, it’s not like we could get married or anything.”_

Karkat said you were Matesprits and you don’t deny it. Is that essentially marriage or at least the Troll equivalent? Are you already bonded with Vriska for life?

You shiver involuntarily against her and she pulls you in tighter.

_“No, don’t be stupid. Situations can change, people can change. Matesprits aren’t for life, they can’t be.”_

It’s hard for you to imagine yourself with a woman, alien or human, for an extended period of time. Your romantic life is a short story, one that might already be over. It consists of brutal breakups, one-night sloppy make-outs, and a girl named Sarah in the eleventh grade who flashed you for a dare.

As mentioned before, this is uncharted territory for you, dangerous waters that could swallow you up and then spit you out, sopping wet and with probably one type of alien disease or another.

Commitment doesn’t frighten you; it’s the  _unknown_  that causes your chest to seize up.

What if Vriska stops liking you? What if you screw up? What if you break her heart? What if something  _happens_  to Vriska because of you?

You’re still looking at her eye, but right now it seems infinitely closer, and much more horrifying. You need some air. You need to breathe some damn air, right now!

With a skill you were unaware you possessed, you slip out of Vriska’s grasp only managing to jostle her slightly. She curls up tighter around herself, frowning in her sleep, already missing your body next to hers.

You make your way across the room and slip out the door. You can feel the air in the lab, it’s stale and recycled. It’s full of gross chemicals and toxic fumes. You need  _fresh_  air if you’re going to survive the next few minutes.

The entrance to the lab is a heavy steel door. The handle is difficult to turn but after some work you force it open and stagger out into the night. 

You expand your lungs, filling it with that beautiful LOWAS air. You’re vision clears and in the distance you can see black clouds still swarming like mass of insects.

_“Rose.”_

As far as you know, she’s still there. She’s still alone and afraid while you’re spooning with your hot alien girlfriend and worrying about getting hitched.

You feel something bubbling in your chest, boiling like hot water. It’s a feeling you’re very familiar with. It’s not anger. It’s not love or hate. You, John Egbert, are being stupid.

Vriska is safe here. She’s alive and well, and right now she’s one of the few people in this universe that you still care about. That’s why she will not be coming with you to save Rose.

You take one step forward, before a voice speaks up from behind you.

“Going somewhere?”

You turn around to find Equius leaning against the doorway, with Nepeta idly milling around by his side.

“I have to go save my friend.” You tell them. “Keep Vriska here and keep her safe. I’ll be back.”

“We just got a message from Karkat.” Equius joins you outside the lab. “He’s ordered us to escort you back to our home base.”

“I can’t go with you, Equius. I’m sorry.” And you mean it. These trolls have been nothing but helpful towards you, but you’ve wasted too much time already. “You can tell Karkat that I left without telling you or whatever you want, but I’m not going anywhere but that castle.” You point towards the clouds for emphasis.”

“But all by furself?” Nepeta slinks around Equius’s legs and sets her big almond-shaped eyes on you. “That’s so dangerous, Johnkitty. Jack Noir is really strong!”

“Well,” You rub the back of your neck. “I was planning on getting in touch with Dave and Jade, but the more I think about it, the less I want them to come with me. I’m supposed to be their leader, but I don’t have any idea what I’m doing honestly. I could be leading them to their deaths and I don’t… I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Not anymore.”

Nepeta looks close to tears, which surprises you. You’ve only just met her and Equius mere hours ago and you’ve done little to endear yourself to them. Maybe she’s just a really sensitive person?

Equius just stares at you. He’s wearing his dark, cracked sunglasses and is sweating profusely, even though it is quite cold right now. You wonder if he was working out or something before he came out to talk to you.

“You feel the weight of responsibility heavily resting upon your blue shoulders.” Equius begins. “As a leader it’s understandable for you to wish to keep your subordinates alive and well. However, in battle it is important to keep emotions out of the equation. You must do the smart thing, John. Come with us, rejoin your friends, and then you will succeed in rescuing Rose.”

You think about his words for a second. You won’t deny that your feelings for your friends are swaying your judgment, but are you really doomed to failure just because you plan to go alone?

“I…” You turn and stare at Jack’s castle. It’s never been further. “I’ll go with you, but just to meet up with Dave and Jade. After that, we’re going to get Rose.”

Equius simply nods and turns back towards the lab.

“We leave in sixty minutes.” He says.

You give him a half-hearted salute and decide that the next hour is probably best spent on a walk, trying to clear your head. However, before you can take a single step, there is a sharp tug on your hood. You look down to find Nepeta clinging to you.

 “Before we go, I have something to show mew.”

“What do mew want to show me?” Nepeta beams up at you and you quickly correct yourself. “I mean, what do  _you_  want to show me?”

Her face falls slightly but she continues to smile as she drags you back into the lab and down the hallway to her room. The walls are messily decorated with scratch marks and unintelligible finger paintings that give you the impression that you’ve just stepped into a prehistoric cave. In the corner where a bed should be is a pile of newspapers. You assume that’s where Nepeta sleeps. At least, you hope that’s what it is.

“I’m going to show mew…” Nepeta crosses over to another door. You assume it’s a closet. “Something cool!”

She opens the door and slides inside, reappearing a moment later with a giant hammer dragging along on the ground behind her.

“Whoa! Where’d you get that?”

“Equius built it weeks ago. He doesn’t use it though beclaws he likes to use his paws to fight.” She holds the hammer out to you and you take it. It’s pretty damn cool.  “You can have it, Johnkitty!”

You give it a few experimental swings and the hammer (now dubbed “The Hammer of Zillyhoo”, because why the fuck not) officially joins your inventory.

“Wow! Thanks a lot, Nepeta!” You look down at her and smile. “This is really…”

You’re abruptly cut off when she pounces on you, pressing a messy, wet kiss to the corner of your mouth.

While you’ve been turned into a statue, she scampers across the floor to disappear into the closet. Only her large, luminescent eyes are visible. They peer out at you and you stare back, completely dumbfounded.

“For good luck.” She says and you distinctly notice the lack of cat puns in that sentence.

“Uh, thanks… Nepeta.” You grab your new hammer and abscond the fuck out of there.

You’ve never understood women before and it seems that the older you get, the more complex they seem to become. Nepeta is cute in the same way that a little sister would be cute. She may be nice, but you doubt you’ll ever see her as more than a friend.

You have Vriska now anyways, and you’re in love, right?

You decide that you should go wake her up and tell her what the new plan is. Now that you think about it, you would have been acting pretty rude if you’d just left earlier without saying goodbye.

She’s already awake when you find her, pulling on her grey, ruined shirt and fixing her hair again so that it cascades down her back and shoulders. You don’t know why you look at her hair so much. Maybe it’s one of your kinks?

That’s new. You’ve never had kinks before.

“Hey there, Pupa.” You’re happy to see that’s she’s smiling and moving around with a distinct spring in her step. You also notice that she’s cannibalized a pair of sunglasses, fashioning a makeshift eye-patch. “I was just coming to find you.”

She moves forward and kisses you quickly. It’s better than Nepeta’s kiss, more practiced and a lot smoother. You feel all hot again, although you don’t seem to mind as much this time.

“Yeah, uh…” You find that you’re still staring at her missing eye, even though it’s now covered. “Listen Vriska, you don’t, uh, have to wear those if you don’t want to.”

You gesture vaguely in the direction of her glasses whilst rubbing the back of your neck.

“You don’t like them?” She reaches up and adjusts them slightly.

“What? No! They look totally cool, like really cool. Haha.” You reach out and grab her hand, donning your most goofy smile. Amazing how after everything you can still feel bashful about holding a girl’s hand. “It’s just that, I don’t want you to feel like you have to cover yourself up or anything. I don’t have a problem with your eye. It actually makes you look even more badass! And here I was think that wasn’t even possible, since you were already a paragon of badassery and…”

She cuts you off without another kiss. It’s longer this time and a little more heated. When she pulls back, it’s only slightly, so she’s still close enough for you to feel her lips brush against yours as she speaks.

“Sometimes John, you just need to shut the fuck up, got it?”

You nod because you really don’t trust yourself to speak without your voice cracking.

“Are you…” You swallow and feel her smile against you. “Are you wearing lipstick?”

Sure enough her lips are indeed coated thickly in blue. It tastes a little bitter, but you can appreciate how it looks in contrast to her ashen skin.

“Do you like it?”

You need to tell her the plan before your resolve breaks and you end up staying at the lab with Vriska forever. You came here to talk, not be tempted by her dangerous, feminine wiles.

“It’s awesome.”

A few more minutes of sloppy make-outs and some heavy petting later and you’ve finally worked up the nerve kill the mood.

“Vriska, wait.” You grab her wrist, stopping her attempts to undress you. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Can’t it wait? I’m feeling a little too hot and a little too bothered right now.”

“No,” You laugh. “This is important.”

You lead her over to the metal table and you both sit.

“Karkat wants us to regroup back at your base.”

“Oh that’s actually great!” Vriska smiles and leans into you. “We could just chill out for a while. I might even be persuaded to watch one of you shitty human films!”

“Alright, well first off: My human movies rock ultimate.” You’ll have to show her all of your Nic Cage flicks eventually. “And secondly, I don’t think I’ll be staying there that long. After we get there, Dave, Jade, and I are going to rescue Rose.”

“Well I’ll be coming too of course!” She looks at you defiantly.  As if she’s daring you to deny her.

You nod in agreement and feel an uncomfortable squirm in your belly when she wraps her arms around you. Eventually she’ll find out that you have no intention of letting her accompany you to Jack Noir’s castle.

But hopefully by then, you’ll already be gone.

* * *

=> Be Aradia Megido

You are now Aradia Megido.

You and Sollux are trudging your way through the LOFAF snow and gradually reaching the last known location of Dave Strider. It would have been faster if you’d just flown there using one of the rocket cars at the base. However, you only have two and since Vriska stole one (and has yet to return it) and Karkat demanded the other one to find Jade, you are left to walk.

Sollux is grumbling under his breath and shuffling his feet, obviously distressed about something. You don’t show any interest though, not because you don’t care about Sollux, but because you don’t really have much of an interest in anything anymore.

After you and your fellow trolls ended your own universe and sequentially failed to create a new one, things just ceased to matter in your opinion. Sure, you’re still motivated to get out of bed, comb your hair, and debate with Karkat about the humans and their session, but it’s all sort of procedural to you. Sometimes you just feel like a robot or something.

You also know that Sollux will eventually spill everything to you anyway. He always does. For years you’ve been one of his primary confidants. His other friends, Karkat and Gamzee, are good listeners on occasion, but more often than not Karkat is too busy being grumpy about something and Gamzee is too busy being a Gog-Dammed lunatic.

You know that he trusts you. Therefore, you wait and sure enough…

“I’m really pissed at Karkat.” He grumbles loud enough for you to hear. His lisp becomes really distinct when he’s frustrated and rather than finding it annoying or even funny like most others, you find his impediment to be endearing sort of.

“Pray tell?” You lift up your skirt to avoid dampening it on a pile of snow.

“Well…” Sollux scratches his nose uncomfortably and seems to struggle with whether or not his information should be shared or not. “If I tell you, Aradia, you cannot tell anyone else, okay?”

“You have my word that none other will hear of this conversation.” You mean what you say. Why wouldn’t you?

“Karkat made Feferi go get back with Eridan, when she didn’t want to.” You see his fist clench and his jaw tighten. He’s really angry. “You see, the reason she broke up with him in the first place… was so she could be with me.”

You stare at him, blinking slowly. It’s only then that you realize that Sollux isn’t angry; he’s sad, really sad.

“I’m sure if you explained the situation to Karkat he would revoke his decision.” You both pick your way around a few sparse trees and the edge of the frozen lake comes into view.

“Yeah maybe, but I mean… Karkat’s also right about stuff too. It’s probably simpler if Fef just gets back with Eridan. It would save us a lot of unneeded drama.”

“You should do what makes you happy, Sollux.”

“Heh, easy for you to say.  Nothing makes you happy.”

You don’t deny it. Why would you?

“That is my advice, take it or leave it.”

Sollux just nods and you travel in silence for a while.

“Thanks, Aradia.” He says after a while.

“You’re welcome.”

You trek around a clump of trees and then you see him, a drop of blood against a sea of white. Dave Strider is sitting cross-legged on the edge of the lake. His head and shoulders are collecting snow and his sword is already half buried about a foot away from him. Something tells you to proceed with caution and you advise Sollux as such.

He can be a little whiny sometimes, but Sollux takes instruction better than anyone you know. The two of you creep down an embankment and stop a good three yards away from your target.

“Dave.” You call. “Dave Strider?”

He starts suddenly and cranes his neck to look at you.

“Jade?” He asks.

“No,” You come closer so that he can get a better look at you. “I’m Aradia.”

“Oh yeah,” He tilts his head slightly. “Tz told me about you. You’re the zombie fashion queen, right?”

“I assume you mean Kanaya, and she’s the  _vampire_  fashion queen.”

“Got it.”

Dave makes no effort to move or even stand up. He’s just sitting there looking at both of you. You can see that one of his arms has been cut and is staining his sleeve a rusty-red. There’s also a tiny mark on his neck, which is trickling blood down his collar. He looks pretty shitty.

“Are you doing okay?” Sollux steps forward and Dave sets his eyes on him.

“Am I doing okay?” He repeats. “I’m doing  _fantastic_ man, what are you talking about? I’m just sitting right here sipping on some Apple Juice, about to call ‘J’, ‘A’, ‘D’, to the motherfucking ‘E’ again so we can set up our next bone session. How are you doing?”

You guess that Dave is being sarcastic, trying to teach Sollux a lesson about asking shitty questions. However, your troll friend takes it in stride.

“Oh, I’m good. Thanks for asking, man. I was going to offer to take you to Jade, but since you’re doing  _fantastic_  down here with your snow and your ice and your shit, I guess we’ll just leave you to it.”

“Yall know where Jade is?” He blurts. “I’ve tried calling her like a hundred times but she won’t answer. I was just about to try John too…”

Dave looks infinitely more attentive now. You have to give Sollux some credit. It turns out he’s just as good with people as he is with computers, which is to say, he’s pretty good.

People _are_ sort of like computers, you suppose in some backwards, convoluted reasoning. They both hold information, have an on/off switch, and with the correct sequence of commands you can make either one do whatever you want.

“We don’t know where Jade is.” You step forward, cutting off Dave’s ramblings and holding out your hand to him. “But we know where she’s going to be.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on JOHN: TRY TO UNDERSTAND-  
> Multiple paths intersect and a descent begins.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	6. ACT 1 - PART 6

=> Be Terezi Pyrope

You are now Terezi Pyrope. You feel the wind tug at your hair and the skin on your face, and you try to resist the urge to raise your fists to the heavens and give your warrior cry.

You fail to resist the urge and as you raise your fists to the heavens a harsh voice yells over the wind.

“DAMMIT, TEREZI! STOP LETTING GO, YOU’RE GOING TO FALL THE FUCK OFF!”

You laugh and wrap your arms back around Karkat’s waist. You’re currently racing through the skies, riding on a rocket car built for one, and head towards the last known location of Jade Harley.

“Oh come on, Karkat.” You coo in his ear. “Have a little fun! When do we ever get the chance to just go cruising, just the two of us? Hehe.”

He shivers against you as you mold yourself more comfortably against his back. You like Karkat when he’s angry, sad, hungry, tired, or whatever, but you like him the best when he’s flustered.

You snake your tongue from your mouth and likely tickle his ear.

The rocket car swerves violently and you cackle loudly as Karkat struggles to get it under control again.

“FUCKING STOP IT! YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE US CRASH YOU CRAZY CHALK EATING BITCH!”

Aw, Karkat always has such a way with words.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t help myself. You know that you’re cherry-red blood is neigh irresistible to my ravenous taste buds.” You say.

“Terezi.” He hisses and you feel him stiffen against you (and not in the fun way). “You promised you would not ever talk about… _that_.”

Oops, you guess you forgot. Ever since _the incident_ you’ve kind of had Karkat under your thumb. He would be mortified if anyone found out about the delicious, fruity, silky-smooth red blood that flows through his veins.

“Sorry.” You respond and you’re surprised to find that you mean it. Teasing Karkat is fun and all, but everyone has their breaking point. You decide to change the subject. “So where’s this Jade Human? I thought you said she was in this flying boat-thing. How are we even going to find her?”

“Kanaya’s tracking her over LOWAS. Could you call her so that she can give us directions?” Karkat latches onto the new subject quickly.

“Yeah, no problem.” You remove your hand from Karkat in order to quickly tap you glasses. Kanaya picks up on the first ring.

“Hello?”

You’ve always liked Kanaya’s voice. Its lyrical qualities are like the smoothest draft of warm green tea that you can imagine and you take a second to relish its taste.

“Mmmmm. Hey, Kanaya.”

“Terezi, I assume you’re calling for further clarification on Jade’s location?”

“Mmm. Oh yes, Kanaya. Oh yes, just like that.”

Karkat twists his neck to cast you the most disgusted look he can muster and you burst out in another fit of cackles. You hear Kanaya sigh over the call and she decides to valiantly plow ahead with the conversation.

“Jade is currently three kilometers away from you position at fifty-three degrees due north. If you just head over the mountain range to your left, you should be able to see her.”

You relay the information to Karkat and sure enough, after you clear the mountains you can see the golden ship. It’s like a blot of golden honey amongst a sea of black-licorice oil and blueberry-blue hills.

“Thank you, Kanaya. We’ll be back at home in no time. Keep my chair warm for me, will you?”

Kanaya hangs up without responding and you shriek with laughter once more. You’ve been trying to get the rise out of the vampire fashion queen for ages now, but she’s just too regal to fall ill to your flirtatious shenanigans. Karkat on the other hand…

“Target acquired captain.” You point over his shoulder and press yourself up to him again, causing him to squirm once more like a newborn wriggler.

He steers the rocket car downwards, a little jerkily, but you eventually draw level with Jade’s golden craft. She’s folded up against one of the railings and there is a moderately sized pool of strawberry smoothie, you mean blood, pooling around her, snaking out in dark tendrils across the deck.

“Oh shit.” Karkat grunts and after parking the rocket car on the deck he leaps down and races over to the human girl. “Oh Gog, oh no. Shit, shit, shit.”

You leap down after him and make a bee-line towards the wheel, which controls the ship. You bring the craft to a stop and watch as Karkat kneels over Jade. He takes her gently in his arms and rocks her gently against his chest.

“Is she dead?” You call over to him as you turn the ship around and set a course back toward home base.

“No, she’s still alive. Step on it though, Terezi, she’s lost… a fuck-ton of blood.”

You’ve never seen Karkat act like this. You’ve never seen him _concerned_ about anyone. A feeling you recognize as jealousy rises in your chest, but you smush it down. Now isn’t the time to act out the stereotypical troll drama scenario. Lives are at stake.

You can’t help but cast a glance over towards them though. Jade is grasping feebly at the fabric of Karkat’s sweater and you swallow hard when you realize that her little and ring finger are missing from her left hand.

“Dave?”

Her voice is so quiet that you probably wouldn’t have heard it if you didn’t have enhanced hearing capabilities. Sometimes being blind has its perks.

Darkness falls over Karkat’s face and he mumbles an even quieter “no”.

You resolve to give him an easier time from here on out. Maybe you won’t even hit on Dave as much, since you known Karkat doesn’t like it. That’s a serious ‘ _maybe’_ though. A girl has to have her fun, right?

But as you gently steer the ship and watch Karkat softly brush away Jade’s curtain of black hair, you really can’t help but hope that one day you might be in her place instead. Well, maybe not _exactly_ her place, but you know what you mean.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you are currently the friendleader of the Humans, boyfriend of Vriska Serket, and HEIR OF BREATH. You have just arrived outside the troll’s home base with your companions, the aforementioned Vriska, the hulking Equius, and the crazy cat bitch Nepeta.

“If anyone asks about the rocket car we crashed,” Vriska hisses in your ear. “Just pretend you don’t know what they’re talking about, okay?”

“Uh, sure.”

Vriska smiles at you and you grin back. Both of your fingers are interlocked together, but it feels more like she’s trying to crush your hand. She’s holding onto you like you might float away, which you just might, considering your recent acquisition of your powers of the windy persuasion.

She’s happy right now though, and when she’s happy you’re also happy. You dread having to ditch her eventually, but you remind yourself that it’s for her own good. You won’t be putting her in danger again.

“Over here.” It’s Equius and he’s pushing a boulder out of the way of an opening to a dark tunnel.

“Holy shit! I knew you trolls had a base, but I didn’t know it was a _secret_ base!” The fact that it’s hidden makes it easily a hundred and four times cooler.

“Well after our session went to shit, we had to hide from Jack.” Vriska explains. “We’ve had to be careful. Up until you humans entered the medium, he was looking for us pretty vigorously.”

You and the rest of your group climb into the tunnel and Equius seals it up again. As the boulder is pulled back into place, you’re cast into darkness. There’s only a light draft of air, pulling deeper into the cave. Without the LOWAS breezes swirling around you, you feel slightly dulled, like you’re missing one of your senses or something.

“Gosh, this is worse than your lab Equius.” You tighten your grip on Vriska.

“Don’t worry,” Nepeta says and she flicks on a flashlight that illuminates the tunnel ahead. “Once we get upstairs mew’ll see how great this place is! It feels like furever since I’ve been home!”

Nepeta leads the way, half skipping and running down the tunnel, up a set of stairs, through a set of doors, and finally into a large rectangular room. All along the walls there are desks, each with their own computer setup. There are a few trolls you don’t recognize and one human that you do.

“Dave!”

“Sup, Egbert.”

You resist the urge to give your best friend a hug. You don’t want to embarrass him in front of your alien friends.

“Dude, are you alright? You look like shit!”

“Wow thanks, man. You sure know how to make someone feel good about themselves. You’re like the teenaged Nicholas Sparks, except of inspiring young girls to find true love; you’re being a total downer. You’ve just drenched my self-esteem with a fire hose of hot piss. Thanks.”

“Gross and who’s Nicholas Sparks?”

“Never mind.”

Dave looks pretty disheveled. There’s a bandage around his arm and a nasty bruise has formed on his cheek. Other than that though, he’s looking pretty awesome in that sweet cape.

“Sweet cape by the way.”

“Thanks, it is pretty cool, huh? Some would even say it’s to die for.”

“I’d hate to interrupt this strangely loving reunion before it completely dissolves into heart-felt confessions of hidden feelings, but there’s kind of a reason you’ve all been brought here.” A troll who’s been standing off to the side until then, steps up and you guess that he’s Karkat.

“I guess you’re Karkat then huh?” You say, stepping forward to shake his hand.

He slaps your hand away quickly.

“What the fuck are you doing, Egbert!” He snarls and takes a step back.

“I was just going to shake your hand.” You explain, and then remember that there is a vast cultural difference between the two of you. “It’s an act of friendship for humans, Karkat.”

“Let’s get one thing straight,” Karkat points between you and Dave. “You two wastes of space are not my friends. The only reason we’re working together is because we have a mutual enemy and similar goals. If it was up to me, you wouldn’t even be here.”

“Oh, that’s not true.” Sings a female troll. She’s wearing red-tinted sunglasses and she moves forward to throw her arms around Dave. That must be Terezi. “It was so embarrassing how much Karkat was fretting over you guys. The moment he saw that you were in danger he gave the order for us to find you. You should have seen him crying over Jade.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Karkat suddenly roars, causing you to jump in surprise. “GOG-DAMMIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? You know what!? I’m done! KANAYA!” A pretty female troll, wearing a long red skirt comes forward when her name is called. “Take care of this!” He snaps at her.

Karkat then turns on his heel and stalks away from the group, slamming a door against the far wall behind him as he exits. Terezi looks after him a little guiltily.

“Well then.” Kanaya claps her hands once and interrupts the silence that fell after Karkat’s departure. “You’ve already met our leader, Karkat.” She smiles and you realize that you already like this troll woman. “John, this is Terezi, Aradia, Sollux, Gamzee, Tavros, and I’m Kanaya. Feferi and Eridan are around here somewhere. I’m sure you’ll meet them later.”

“Nice to meet you!” Everyone looks really nice, except Aradia who’s been sitting at her computer this whole time, not looking up even when she was introduced. You decide that Dave should meet your companions. “Dave, this is Equius, Nepeta, and my… uh, Vriska.”

“Hey,” Says Vriska and she smiles at Dave. “Nice to meet you cool kid, I’m the girlfriend.”

Dave simply stares at Vriska for a second, before looking at you. He looks back at Vriska one more time, before giving his signature smirk.

“Damn, Egbert I didn’t know Vriska was _hot_. Who would have guessed that you have game?” He ruffles you hair and you shove him away. You’re smiling though. “I guess you’re like the love child of Nicholas Sparks _and_ Casanova, with a little bit of Michael Cera mixed in to add some of your natural awkwardness and charisma.”

You still don’t know who Nicholas Sparks is, but you do like some films with Michael Cera. You decide to take Dave’s words as a compliment.

It takes a while for you to properly meet everyone, but eventually Kanaya gets down to actually explaining the whole plan to you and Dave. Apparently, before Rose was taken she and Kanaya had a pretty in-depth discussion on how to rebuild the universe. It essentially comes down to this: blow up the green sun and weaken Jack Noir and then initiate something called the scratch to reset the game. A new session will be created, a session that is potentially beatable.

It’s a more complex plan than the one you originally concocted, which boiled down to Jade catching frogs and you going to kill Jack Noir because Vriska told you to. Leave it to Rose to actually figure out what the fuck it is you’re really supposed to do.

It’s times like these that you really appreciate the intelligence of your female friend. Without her you’d be stuck with no course of action whatsoever. And without her you have no chance of progressing.

“So now that you’re both here, you will have to split up and carry out the two components of the plan.” Kanaya finishes her speech.

“What about Rose,” You interject. “And Jade? Isn’t she supposed to be here?”

“Jade is resting at the moment. She was injured during a fight.”

“A fight? With whom?” Jade’s the nicest girl on the planet. You can’t imagine her picking a fight with anybody.

“My Bro.” It’s Dave who answers quietly. He’s propped up against one of the desks, arms crossed and face impassive.

“Really? Shit, Dave I’m really sorry.” If Bro tried to hurt Jade, he must have also tried to hurt Dave. You can’t imagine what it must be like to fight your own brother.

He shrugs and you can tell that he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Well, what about Rose.” You repeat.

Kanaya doesn’t respond, except to shift her feet uncomfortably. You don’t expect Gamzee to answer for her.

“Karkat doesn’t want you to go after your human friend. He says it’s a motherfucking lost cause.” He says.

“Well Karkat doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.” Dave snaps. “It he expects us to just leave Rose to whatever twisted fate Jack Noir has up his filthy sleeves, then he’s got another thing coming.”

“I agree with you that Rose deserves to be saved.” Kanaya speaks slowly. “But you have to face the facts. Jack Noir… he’s too strong. You’d never make it even close to Rose.”

“I’m not afraid of Jack Noir.” Vriska says from her spot next to you. “Me and John were going to kick his ass earlier and we can do it now too. Give us a vehicle and we’ll be back with little miss perfect before you can say _‘Ah shit. Where are John and Vriska? I hope they aren’t getting it on under that desk’.”_

“You aren’t getting another vehicle if I have anything to say about it.” Grumbles Equius. “I already have to replace the one you took earlier. Do you have any idea how long that’s going to take?”

“You lost the rocket car?!” Kanaya bristles.

“No! I don’t have any idea what Equius is talking about. Right, John?” Vriska bumps you in the shoulder and suddenly every eye is on you.

“I… uh, think that Karkat is right about Rose.” You decide to subvert the pointless direction this conversation is heading and take a detour to the real shit. “We don’t have time to waste on a sloppy rescue mission right now. Dave and I will follow the plan and… Rose will have to take care of herself.”

Everyone is silent. You doubt anyone expected you to say that.

Kanaya is staring at the floor, Vriska is looking at you like you’ve grown two heads, and Dave’s mouth has all but disappeared. You can’t see his eyes behind his shades, but you’re pretty sure that’s a good thing. You couldn’t look him in the eye at the moment.

“If it’s alright with everyone… I think I’ll go visit Jade now. You know, before Dave and I go to blow up the sun or whatever.” You turn to leave and no one stops you. Vriska’s hand slips out of yours and you walk straight towards the door that Karkat left out of.

On the other side is another hallway, with numerous doors on every side. You don’t know which one Jade is behind, but you just start walking anyways. You’re sure that you’ll find her eventually.

Suddenly there is a hand on your shoulder. It’s Dave.

“Hey, man. Look I…”

“Do you think I’m an idiot, John?” Dave cuts you off.

“What?”

“Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“Uh… no?”

“Then why do you think I’d let you go and rescue Rose by yourself?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, give me a break. I’m  your best friend. I can tell when you’re spouting off bullshit. As soon as you say goodbye to Jade, you’re totally going to fly all the way to LOWAS and get yourself killed.”

“Psssshh.” You snort. “Come on, Dave. Now you’re acting like an idiot. That totally isn’t my plan at all.”

“Yeah sure. Hey! Can we skip this part and just cut to where you let me go with you?”

 You’re silent for a moment. Dave’s standing pretty close to you and from this distance you find it much harder to flat out lie.

“Fuck, dude. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“It’s too late for that. I’m like a sponge that absorbs pain instead of a soapy hydrogen/water compound. It’s either you let me go with you or I follow you anyways. It’s your choice, man.”

You think about putting up more of a fight and denying Dave. You even consider knocking him out with the Hammer of Zillyhoo and leaving him in a closet somewhere until it’s all over. However, you see determination in his face and the kind of strength that comes only when you want to prove yourself.

“Fine you can come, but no one else is. There’s absolutely no way that either Vriska or Jade can find out about what we’re doing or anyone else for that matter.

“You got it, man. Jade is staying here.”

“Like hell she is!” A voice hisses form behind you.

You and Dave both wheel around and groan in unison when you find Jade standing in a nearby doorway. She’s wearing her winter coat and pants still, although her ear muffs are gone and her left hand is swathed in bandages. Jade looks a little pale, but otherwise perfectly fine.

“Fuck, Harley!” Dave hisses back. “Go back to bed!”

“No. I’m coming with you too.”

“Jade, it’s good to see you.” You say. “But seriously, go the fuck to sleep. Pretend you didn’t hear anything okay.”

“No. I’m coming.” She steps out into the hall. “How are you going to get there? Are you going to take the only rocket car left? It’s only built for one person you know. How are you going to get Rose back? Is she going to sit on John’s lap or something?”

You feel your face begin to turn red and you don’t know if it’s because you’re angry or because the thought of Rose sitting anywhere on your body makes you feel a little queasy.

“We’ll figure that out later.” Dave grabs Jade’s arm and starts trying to shove her back into the room. “Just stay out of this okay. I’m not going to let you leave.”

“If you’re going then I’m going!” She spits and struggles against Dave’s grasp. “Rose is my friend too! And I know where the air ship is! It’s big and fast and gold and I’m the only one here that can fly it!”

She braces herself against the doorframe and succeeds and shoving Dave away from her.

“You’ve excluded me enough!” She shouts. You’re beginning to worry that one of the trolls will hear and come put an end to your re-invigorated sloppy rescue mission before it even begins. “You fuckasses need me, okay? So just accept it and shut the hell up!”

Dave looks ready to argue until to the death, but you decide to put an end to it.

“Fine, Jade you can come.” Dave shoots you a mutinous look, but you ignore him. “Let’s just go before anyone else finds out.”

With a grin and a nod Jade grabs your arm and leads you down the hall towards the hangar where the golden ship is being kept. Dave follows, grumbling the whole way.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently sitting on your bed in your bedroom, of course. Your mother is probably downstairs somewhere, halfway through a bottle of vodka. Eventually, you’ll have to go downstairs and face her during the mental strengthening exercise known as “Dinner”.

You scoff to yourself as you type quickly and efficiently into your laptop, which is sitting on your lap. You don’t enjoy eating with your mother. More often than not, the time you spend sitting around the table with that woman is filled with repetitive, nonsensical jabs at your psyche.

_“How was your day, honey?”_

_“What are you working on?_

_“Do you want to watch a film later?”_

That sinister woman and her alcohol fueled queries, which only exist to distract you from the nonverbal session of jousting currently waging between you.

_“It was fine, mother.”_

_“Just more literature, mother.”_

_“No, mother.”_

She can’t out-fox you though. You’re answers are just as effective at wearing her down as her questions are.

She can’t outsmart you. She can’t distract you from…

“ROSE!”

You start when the voice shouts in your ear. You’re mind was beginning to drift.

“Sorry, John. I was just… thinking. I apologize for being…”

“ROSE, HELP ME PLEASE!”

“What’s going on?!” You open the viewfinder and search for John on your monitor. “John, what’s wrong? Where are you!?”

“THE ROOF, ROSE! I NEED YOUR HELP PLEA….”

“John! I don’t… what?!” With a few clicks John’s rooftop comes into view.

The icy claws of fear wrap around your spine, squeezing and pulling from inside your own body.

John is being murdered by imps right in front of your very eyes. He’s being ripped apart, limb from limb, screaming your name at the top of your lungs.

“ROSE! ROSE! ROSE!”

“JOHN! HANG ON. JUST HANG ON, OKAY?!”

You click, you type, you scream and cry, but nothing is working. Your computer is dead, but you can still see him being torn to shreds. He screams your name until his throat no longer works and his body goes limp.

You’d failed. John is dead. It’s all over.

“NO! JOHN, PLEASE!!!”

You thrash furiously, kicking and punching at everything you can reach. Your bed sheets are wrapped around you like a great, slimy python and the lights of your room fade, giving birth to an endless, horrible darkness.

“I’M SORRY, JOHN! I TRIED, I REALLY TRIED!!!”

More thick arms wrap around your middle, your arms, your legs and your face. You scream and kick and punch, but you can’t escape. Everything, the arms, the darkness, even the air is heavy and overwhelming. You know there is no escape, but you try anyway.

Your friends aren’t coming for you, no one is. They hate you. They hate how analytical and paranoid you are. They’ve never enjoyed talking to you online, they simply tolerated you. You’re alone now, just like always.

You’re all alone.

“ _You aren’t alone, Rose.”_ Says a voice of smoothest silk. _“We’re here for you. We’ll always be together, Rose.”_

“NO!” You struggle some more. It’s still futile.

“ _Just relax. You’re safe, Rose. You are safe with us.”_

“NO, PLEASE! I don’t… I don’t want…”

Your voice is fading. You’re getting weaker.

No one is coming to save you.

You lash out with all of your strength and a tentacle around your wrist retreats into the darkness. Thoughts flood your mind and as if a switch has been flicked, you remember everything.

SBURB, John, Dave and Jade, your mom, the trolls, the imps, Jack Noir, John’s dad, and the horror terrors, you remember everything.

You kick out and another tentacle disappears. You reach up with your free hand and claw at the darkness. Your other hand rises too and slowly, so very slowly, you begin to ascend.

The darkness is sliding past you. It’s pressing on you from all sides, squeezing you fiercely and trying to keep you under.

“ _You can leave if you want, Rose. But we’ll always be here.”_

It doesn’t matter if no one is coming. You’ve never needed anyone before and you don’t need anyone now.

With one last desperate reach you hand encounters something solid. It’s a ledge.

You pull with all of your might, climbing up and flopping a little ungracefully onto solid ground.

You are free… kind of.

Skin of grey, eyes of white, heart of black. You swear to make Jack Noir pay for what he did to you.

With a swish of your wands, you fly. You burst upwards, though the dungeons, up through the throne room, and finally explode out into open air. You can see the roof of the castle tower below you. There, John’s dad still lies dead in his own blood.

You are going to make Jack Noir pay.

You are going to kill him.

It’s time.

Seer: Descend

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's where things start to kick off in my opinion. I'm really looking forward to writing these scenes.  
> I hope you guys are enjoying the story so far. I'm having a blast writing this.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	7. ACT 1 - PART 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kombo for reviewing. You are so cool that ice cubes have to wear sweaters when they're around you.

=> Be Feferi Peixes

You are Feferi Peixes. You have never been more uncomfortable in your entire life.

“Eridan?” You knock on your recently made ‘Ex’ boyfriend’s door. “Come on. Open up, please?”

“Go! Away! Fef!”

You give a great, powerful sigh. You’re beyond exasperated with Eridan and this whole rotten situation. You should have known that if breaking up with him was hard, getting back together would be near impossible. You’ll have to go back to Karkat and explain that you did everything you could and that Eridan is just a lost cause.

“I’m not going to ask again. Open this door, Eridan!” You wait five seconds. Ten seconds. Fifteen seconds. “Alright, I’m gone!”

You turn as the door opens.

“You have five minutes.” Eridan snaps.

You roll your eyes and step into his room once he steps aside. His room is very… colorful, almost as much as Eridan himself. Every inch of the floors, walls and ceilings are painted one color or another. There are statues of deep sea creatures and deities, which you can appreciate considering your shared heritage.

Maybe that’s what drew you to Eridan in the first place. You’re the last two sea dwellers in the entire universe. The other trolls are liable to sometimes see you as below their land dwelling social class, which is annoying, sure, but tolerable. You and Eridan are often lumped together for assignments and whatnot, but other than that, you honestly don’t have that much in common.

Eridan takes the only chair and crosses his legs at the knee, leaving you to lean against one of the walls. You aren’t going to sit on the cot or anywhere near his recuperacoon, too many recent and frankly unpleasant memories there.

“Listen, Eridan.” You begin. “I think that maybe I was a little too… brash earlier when I…”

You stop talking when you notice that he’s crying.

 “Oh for glub’s sake.” You gasp and perform an excellent face palm. You knew this was going to happen.

“I- I don’t understand, Fef.” He splutters. “I do- everything I can. I try to be a good Matesprit, but you just play me like some human yo-yo. Back and forth, back and forth. Fef, I can’t take it anymore!”

“Ugh!” You throw your hands up in the air. “I knew you were going to do this Eridan! You make everything into this big complex kerfuffle. This was obviously a big mistake. I’m leaving.”  You make for the door, but your path is instantly blocked by five feet of pure metro-sexual troll.

“Here we go. See! You’re walking out on me again!” He cries. He’s waving his hands around a lot, causing the gold bands around his knuckles to _clink_ merrily. “I’m a human yo-yo to you! A human yo-yo!”

“Get out of my way, Eridan.” Your hand is drifting slowly to your waist. You always keep your double sided trident tucked away in the waistband of your skirt, just for scenarios such as this.

“NO! I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE TREATING ME LIKE DIRT!” He’s really excited now. When did he get that wand in his hand? What is he doing?

Suddenly Eridan’s wand is pressed up against your face (and not in the fun way).

“Eri…”

“Shut up, Fef!” He snarls. “You shut your damn mouth. You think you’re so high and mighty because your ancestors were royalty? But you’re not so special. I’m special, Feferi! Me!”

“Yeah, I got you. You’re special, Eridan” You’re scared, no scratch that, you are _terrified_. You’ve never considered Eridan to be the violent type and you never thought that you’d end up in a situation like this, with him.

It also seems odd that he would bring up your ancestors like this. He knows full well that your royal family died along with everyone else when your session began and that you would never consider yourself above Eridan or anyone else.

Your hand wraps around your trident. In a second you could disarm him and escape. You can warn the other trolls, figure out what to do with Eridan.

“Do you want to know who thinks I’m special?” Eridan asks. You don’t answer, but it doesn’t matter because he’s going to tell you anyway. “Jack Noir.”

You’re so stunned that you forget to pull out your trident and spear Eridan like yesterday’s shish kabob.

“That’s right.” He continues. “We’ve been conversing over the headset for months. All those days you thought I was up in my room combing my hair, I was actually talking to him. He taught me magic and in return I promised to tell him the location of our secret base.”

“Eridan, you didn’t…”

“Of course I didn’t! Not yet. I needed to insure that his teachings were legitimate. After today it won’t matter though anyways. I’m leaving, Fef. I will join my master and together we will rule the universe!”

You’re knee comes up and catches him directly in his groin. It’s a cheap shot, but you could really care less. You have to get to the other trolls. As Eridan is doubling over in pain you make a break for the door. It’s so close.

You can already imagine what you’re going to say to Karkat. If you get the word out fast enough, then maybe you can put a stop to this madness before it begins. Eridan cannot be allowed to leave. He knows too much about the plan. He knows too much about all of you. He can’t…

You don’t feel Eridan’s beam of magical energy bearing down on you until it’s too late. The magic burns through your back and bursts out of your chest. You watch a black, perfectly round circle of ash be burnt in the wall in front of you. Then everything goes black.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be Sollux Captor

You are now Sollux Captor. You feel a disturbance in the force, but you ignore it since you have more important stuff going on at the moment.

You’re an expert computer hacker/programmer, but somehow it’s also been misconceived that you’re a wizard in all things electronic. You’ve been stuck with the job of helping Equius rebuild a new rocket car for your parking garage, which basically that means you get to hold the flashlight.

“Not on my face!” Equius barks for fifth time.

“Oh, shit. Sorry.” You readjust the direction of the beam whilst Equius mutters something about _‘low-bloods’_.

The hangar feels kind of empty without the second rocket car. Equius had originally built the things so that you and the other trolls could go out on supply runs whenever food started to run short. With one being destroyed, it meant that your food supply was essentially cut in half. That’s a problem since trolls tend to get a little cranky when their hungry and with all of you locked in a bunker inside a mountain, there’s bound to be some trouble.

For not the first time, you curse Vriska for stealing the rocket car and ruining it. Doesn’t she ever think about the consequences of her actions?

Right now Equius is half underneath a rusted hunk of metal, which in time should hopefully become a solution to your problems.

“Hey, dude. Where’s that golden air ship that was supposed to be down here?” You ask.

“Who knows?” Equius answers. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Gamzee or Vriska stole it for a joy ride.”

“You don’t think one of those humans could have taken it?”

“No. I don’t think any of them are capable of taking that ship.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve already examined them extensively. Jade is obviously still resting in Karkat’s room. Dave wouldn’t go anywhere without Jade. And John is too level-headed to go running off doing something foolish.”

“He ran off with Vriska, didn’t he?”

“I stand corrected. John without the influence of that vile she-troll wouldn’t do something that foolish.”

You’re surprised. You would never have guessed that Equius held any of his fellow blue bloods in low regard.

“You have beef with Vriska?”

“I do not have processed human cow-meat with anyone, Sollux. I simply do not think that she makes the best choices on occasion.”

“That’s just a fancy way of saying that she’s a huge bitch, right?”

“Your words, not mine.”

You laugh and turn to look when the door across the room creaks open.

“Oh. Hey, Eridan.” You greet the fish-troll with a fake smile. Karkat doesn’t want anymore drama being stirred up, so you’ll keep your grievances to yourself for the time being.

“Why hello there, Captor.” Eridan doesn’t seem to have the same mind-set as you do. He looks full on pissed and the way he says your last name makes it sound like some kind of filthy bulge disease.

Equius must sense the tension, because he slides out from under the beginnings of the new rocket car and stands up next to you.

“What’s your business here, Ampora?” He asks in his deep, bass tones.

“No business Equius, just…” He pulls a wand out from under his robes. “PLEAUSRE!”

The beam of pure metro-sexual magic blasts straight towards you. With only a split second to react, you whip off your heterochromatic glasses and meet his magic beam halfway with your own optic blast.

The resulting explosion knocks you back off of your feet and you tumble head over heels before slamming into the far wall. Your head feels like someone just hit it with a sack full of rocks and a sharp pain in your leg heavily implies that the bone is now broken.

That lunatic just attacked you! What’s his problem? Why is he doing this? And where the hell is Feferi?! Wasn’t she going to talk to him?

You need to get up, beat the shit out of this dude, and then find Feferi to make sure that she’s okay.

With some effort, you stagger upright and use the wall as support. Equius is lying in a heap nearby, hopefully unconscious and not dead, and Eridan is slowly climbing to his feet across the room.

You grit your teeth and start limping towards him.

**STRIFE!**

You haven’t done this in a while, but you’re sure the rules haven’t changed since the last time you’ve been in a ruckus.

You’re both supposed to trade attacks back and forth until the other one is unable to continue or is dead. You’re thinking that ‘ _too the death_ ’ sounds pretty good right about now.

Eridan sends another magic beam in your direction with a flurry of his wand, but you deflect it with another well aimed blast of the optic persuasion. Even with your broken leg, Eridan doesn’t have a chance in hell of beating you.

He started using that dumb wand, like what? Three weeks ago? While you’ve been shooting Faygo cans out of the air since you were barely a wriggler. You’ll have this battle wrapped up in…

The next magic beam hits the ground to your left and the shockwave pushes you off balance. You fall to your knee and cry out in pain when your injured leg is jostled sharply.

Well you guess everyone deserves a lucky shot every once and a while.

Eridan raises his wand again. You squint and aim another shot towards his face, prepping a final blast to end all blasts…

Then something clubs you hard in the back of the head.

Your forehead bounces once on the floor, and then you go still. With a herculean amount of effort you twist your neck and gaze up into the face of Gamzee.

“Honk honk, motherfucker.”

His club descends upon you and you see no more.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be Terezi Pyrope

You are now Terezi Pyrope. And it’s time to do something you haven’t done in a long while.

You’re about to apologize to Karkat Vantas.

The jab towards him about his concern for Jade was kind of a low blow. You allowed emotions to get in the way of your harmless prankster’s gambit and now Karkat’s probably nursing a bruised self-esteem and weeping himself to sleep on the roof.

Sure enough, when you ascend the multitude of steps and climb out into fresh air, Karkat is sitting on the ledge of the base and watching the moon drift lazily across the night sky.

“Is it hot out here or is it just you?” You plop down next to him and shoot a toothy grin in his direction.

“Fuck off, Terezi.” He looks away from you and towards the ground far below.

“Aw, don’t be like that. You know you love me, Nubs.”

He shivers when you call him ‘ _Nubs_ ’ and you know why. That’s your pet name for him. It was created years ago, during a night with too much Faygo, too much confidence, and too little self-respect.

You don’t regret your history with Karkat. You just see it how it is.

“Why do you always have to give me such a hard time?” Karkat blurts. Ah there it is. You knew you’d whittle him down easily enough. “I mean, I’m having a hard enough time as it is trying to be a leader for this motley crew of psychos without you poking me in my metaphorical ribs all the time.”

You wish you had a straight answer for his question. The phrase ‘ _tough_ _love’_ seems to sum it up pretty well, although you don’t feel like stooping to low human terminology for this particular conversation.

“One of us has to keep you on your toes. It might as well be me, right? At least you don’t ever have to worry about me taking it too far?”

“You don’t think what you did in there was taking it too far?” He snaps. “You’ve got your cute, little fingers all up in Strider’s business all the damn time and the one second I decide to feel something on the warm spectrum of emotion for Jade, you take it upon yourself to call me out in front of everyone.”

“You think my fingers are cute? Hehe.”

“Dammit, is that all you took from that? Just forget it then.” He stands up and makes for the door, but you cut him off. For a blind girl, you’ve got quite the level of agility.

“Forget I said that. I’m just trying to get under your skin again.” He tries to step around you but your hands come down on his shoulders to hold him in place. “You’re a good leader, Karkat. Much better than anyone ever gives you credit for. But sometimes you just have to unwind a little bit.”

Your take your hands from his shoulders and slowly bury them in his mess of shaggy hair. You can already smell his scrumptious, red blush beginning to creep into his cheeks. With one kiss you can end it all, put a stop to his little fit of self-doubt and aggression, and take a step in the right direction, the sort of direction that leads towards the empty pail in your closet.

However his hand on your arm stops you an inch away from his lips.

“Contrary to popular belief,” He breathes against you. “I have still have a shred of self-respect rolling around somewhere in dark rage infested center of my brain. I’m done with you, Terezi. You can have Strider for all I care.”

“Karkat, you don’t mean that.” But it’s too late. He’s brushed past you and is reaching for the door. “Karkat…”

A loud _buzz_ from his pants pocket cuts off whatever bullshit you were going to make up to convince Karkat that the two of you still had a chance together. He stops to dig his hand in to his pocket and after a second of fishing, he pulls out his communicator.

“Kanaya?” He answers. “What?! Slow down. What’s happening?! Kanaya, calm the fuck down!”

He goes silent and you can hear Kanaya’s smooth tones, slightly muffled, emanating from the device. Slowly, Karkat looks up and his eyes meet yours. No words are spoken, but you know that whatever case you were going to plead for your relationship is currently on hold.

Karkat charges through the door and sprints down the stairs with you quick on his heels. Your cane is clutched in your hand uselessly, but you don’t need it. You can hear Karkat huffing and puffing in front of you and you know that wherever he’s heading, that’s where you’ll be needed.

He takes a hard left once he reaches the main floor and you follow him out into the computer room. A sour smell feels your nostrils and you can taste the coopery, rust colored blood.

“Vriska!” Karkat cries. “WHAT THE FUCK!!!”

Vriska is standing over Tavros, poised to deal a killing blow to the crippled troll. His nose is bleeding, explaining the sour smell currently leading an assault on your nose. Kanaya is standing by her computer, looking unsure about what to do, and Gamzee is sitting calmly in his chair, watching the proceedings with a little too much interest.

“He’s a little rat!” Vriska snarls “John left and Tavros here wasn’t going to tell us anything!”

“What! Tavros, what is she talking about?” Karkat steps forward, looking to defuse the situation.

“Yeah, Tavros! Tell us.” Vriska feints a punch and Tavros recoils visibly.

 “I- I saw them leave… on the viewfinder. They took the ship. They…”

“Planning on keeping this little tidbit of information to yourself, huh?” Vriska has grabbed Tavros by the lapels and is now shaking him violently. “You were just going to go let John get himself killed! You didn’t like the idea of me being with anyone else, right?! You want John out of the picture!”

“NO! No, I just didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news!”

Tavros is right about one thing: this is bad news. The humans have apparently taken it upon themselves to risk everything once more by running off to save their friend, Rose. You wonder how they managed to leave without anyone noticing, save Tavros.

If all of the humans die, then all hope really is lost. You can smell the wheels turning in Karkat’s head. He’s most likely having a hard time grappling with all of this new information. You’re about to offer to go after the humans on the last rocket car when a sickening _squelch_ draws your attention back to Vriska and Tavros.

You can smell a lot more of Tavros’s blood. The scent is so overwhelming that your eyes are beginning to water.

“VRISKA, NO!” Karkat’s shout is much too late.

Vriska has already killed Tavros with a roll of her dice.

“HOOOOOOONK!” Gamzee has leapt from his chair and is now waving his arms about wildly, screaming from the top of his lungs.

“He deserved it,” Vriska snaps at Karkat, who is frozen in place with his mouth hanging agape. “Tavros was weak and he let John and the rest of the humans leave without telling us!”

“That doesn’t give you the right to kill him!” You shout and push past Karkat to kneel down next to Tavros.

You know the rules of the game. If you kiss him in time, there’s a chance that you can revive him. However, when you reach down to find his cheek. Your fingers are instantly coated in the foul, rust colored blood.

Tavros’s head is gone.

“HOOOOOOOONK!” Gamzee is still shouting and so is Karkat.

“Gamzee, bro, just calm down for a second!” Karkat yells. “Kanaya look out!”

You hear something heavy smack against something soft and another body hits the ground.

“GAMZEE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!”

“HOOOOONK! HOOONK!”

You know what’s happened. The sight of blood has sent Gamzee into a blind, murderous rampage. You’d always suspected that he was unstable in some way, but now that your suspicious are concerned, it’s far too late to do anything about it.

“Shooosh!” You can hear Karkat trying to act the part of Morial. “Pap! Pap! PaAHHHHH!”

You hear the _whoosh_ of air and then another heavy _thud_. You guess that Gamzee isn’t really in the mood to be ‘ _shoosh papped_ ’.

You stay crouched over Tavros, listening hard. You curse yourself for dropping your cane several feet away. It’s too far away for you to reach without drawing attention to yourself. You best hope is that Gamzee will wander off in search of more fight-worthy prey.

You cast about for Vriska and you smell the tail end of her blue blooded scent disappearing through the door to the hangars. She’s probably going after John, but you have no intention of letting her escape from this base alive.

She’s gone too far this time and as an agent of the law, it’s up to you to deliver swift justice.

“HOOOOONK! HOOONK! HOOooonk!” Gamzee’s inhuman roars fade away as he also makes his departure.

You abandon Tavros’s corpse and snatch up your cane. If you’re fast you can catch up to Vriska and end this right now. Then you’ll have to warn the others about Gamzee. He’s too dangerous to be left to wander about the base in his current state.

“Ugh, fuck me. Terezi?” It’s Karkat. He’s sitting on the ground looking stunned and a little dizzy.

“I’m here.” You say, rushing to his side.

“Kan- Kanaya?” Even after being bludgeoned by one of his best friends, Karkat is still worried about his subordinates. That’s the mark of a true leader in your opinion.

You sniff the air and smell the faint scent of green tea, mixing horribly with sour rust.

“She’s dead, Karkat.”

“Like hell she is!” Karkat grabs your arm and pulls himself to his feet. “I’ll handle her. Do not let Vriska go after those humans.”

“Understood.” You turn and run for the door.

“And Terezi,” You stop when he mumbles your name. “Please be careful.”

You nod and leave.

Justice must be served.

* * *

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are now Vriska Serket. You’re a huge bitch, but you’ve never let that get in your way before. Right now the only thing you’re worried about is getting the hell out of this base, finding John, and making sure that he’s okay.

You sprint down the hall, heading straight for the hangar. You’ll have to take the last rocket car, which will undoubtedly piss your fellow trolls off even more, but at this point you really doubt you could fall further from their graces.

“ _How could I have been so stupid?!”_

Of course you should have known that John’s little speech about abandoning Rose was just a ploy to keep you out of harm’s way. Leave it to him to be so stupidly chivalrous that he’ll unintentionally set in motion a whole sequence of ill-fated events.

You come to a stop outside the door that leads to the hangar. You’ve just heard an explosion from inside. It seems that you aren’t the only person causing trouble.

You pull out your dice and fondle them gently as you mull over your options. You could burst in there dice-blazing and take out every sorry troll that gets in your way, or you could wait for the ruckus, whatever it is, to be over before going inside and making your dashing escape.

You’re decision is made for you when you hear a roar from behind you.

“HOOOONK!”

Gamzee is coming and fast too. You spot a closet nearby and duck into it. You’ll let Gamzee pass, not because you’re afraid to fight him or anything. It’s just that you’ve filled your murder quota for the day and the only reserve spot you have left is labeled ‘Jack Noir’.

You’d always suspected that Gamzee was one of those berserker types your Lusus always warned you about. They used to be a lot of them on Alternia before the session began and your world was destroyed. A single drop of blood is enough to set them off. A berserker will kill his best friend during an episode and you know for a fact that Gamzee doesn’t consider you anywhere even close to being a friend.

Not that you blame him. No one considers you worthy of friendship.

Except well… John. A sudden idea strikes you. Maybe you don’t have to leave the base via the hangar.

You watch through a crack in the door as Gamzee enters the hanger. You exit the closet shortly after and make a bee-line towards the roof. If you can get a message out to John, you can convince him to come back for you. That way you can go fight Jack Noir together just like you always planned.

You’ll be able to make sure that he’s okay too and that he hasn’t already been sucker stabbed in the back by Jack yet.

You race up the steps, coming across Nepeta who’s sitting on the stairs and drawing on the walls with some finger paint.

“Oh! Hey there Vriskers,” She beams at you. “What’s the furry?”

You assume she’s asking ‘ _What’s the hurry?’_ , but you don’t stop for clarification. You shove her out of the way and continue your ascent. You try not to enjoy the sound of her screaming and bouncing down the steps below you, but it’s too difficult to fight the smile that tugs at your blue painted lips.

It takes a while for you to reach the roof. There are a lot of steps and your starting to wonder how secret a base is, if it opens up to the sky. Wouldn’t a secret base need to be entirely underground?

“Stupid idiots.” You chuckle, as you finally throw the door open and step out into fresh air.

You reach into your pocket and dig out your troll communicator. With a few _clicks_ and _whirs_ , you’ve entered John’s number.

The phone rings once, twice, three times, until finally…

“The number that you’ve dialed is currently unavailable. Try again later.”

“FUCK!”

“Leave a message at the beep… _Beep.”_

“Hey, John listen. As soon as you get this message, you need to come back to the base and get me, okay? I kind of did something that the rest of the trolls aren’t too happy about and I’m doubt that I’m too welcome here anymore. Also, you kind of left without me, even after you promised that we would fight Jack Noir together. You lied to me John and that really hurts.”

You consider hanging up then and leaving the sympathy card to do its work for you. It takes a second for you to realize that you’re still talking.

“I mean, I didn’t think you were capable of lying to me, John. I thought you weren’t like the others. I thought you actually trusted me.”

You kick at the ground, not really knowing where this is going.

“I trusted you.”

You hate the words that are coming out of your mouth right now. You want to tell yourself to shut up.

“You were the first. You know that?” You keep talking. “You were the first person to ever give a shit about me. Well, I guess Tavros kind of had a thing for me, but he was too big of a wussy to do anything about it so… Yeah, I guess you were the first.”

Your eyes are set on the fading moon, but your mouth is pressed against your phone like you’re breathing life into it. Or maybe vice versa?

“I don’t know why, but I really wanted us to fight Jack Noir together. Maybe I wanted to prove how great of a fighter I was to you, or maybe I wanted to make _you_ into a great fighter, or maybe something else equally stupid. I realize now that you really didn’t care about any of that stuff, anyhow. You never did.

“When I’m with you, I don’t care about that stuff either. I don’t worry about being the best, or the strongest, or the deadliest. I just think about you and me. I like that, John. I like that a lot.

“Maybe, when all of this is over… if you aren’t freaked out by all the bad things I’ve done… or the fact that I’m an alien. Maybe you and I could go on a… date?”

You want to laugh. This is probably the most foolish you’ve ever felt, standing up here and talking into this device like it’s a real person, like it actually cares about you.

“I don’t know, I’m just… I’m just stupid. I guess.” You laugh nervously and you hear the door creak open behind you. “Anyways, just come back for me when you get this message, or at least call. I got to go, someone is coming. Please don’t be dead, John.”

You hang up and turn around.

* * *

=> Be Eridan Ampora

You are now Eridan Ampora. Last of the deep sea dwellers, master of combat, protégé under Jack Noir, and powerful wizard.

Well you aren’t actually a wizard. You know full well that magic is a thing of fantasy and myth. There is no such thing as magic. There is only science.

You only refer to what you do as wizardry to prevent your lesser minded companions from being confused by the extent of your power. You’re such a badass that what you do is about as close to magic as you can get, whilst still being grounded in the realm of reality.

Your currently watching Sollux Captor getting his brain smashed in by Gamzee with his club. You would have never suspected that Gamzee would turn on his friends, becoming some kind of murderous, stoned, monster. He always seemed like a very stand up gentle man to you.

However, you aren’t about to sit around and find out just how little he is truly lacking in courtesy. With Sollux dead, Equius incapacitated, and Gamzee distracted, it’s time to make your daring escape.

It’s time for you to rejoin your master.

Stowing your trusty science stick in your robes, you mount the last rocket car and steer it towards the exit. This was all too easy. You should have done this ages ago.

You can only imagine how far along you would have been in your studies if you’d just jumped ship earlier and joined Jack Noir. You guess you’re relationship with Feferi and all of your worldly possessions kept you tethered to this vile place. But now that Feferi is dead, you don’t really have a reason to stay. You can always by more knickknacks for you collection after you and Jack Noir control all of existence.

You look over your shoulder and see that Gamzee has abandoned Sollux’s corpse and is instead moving on to Equius. As much as you would love to watch the mighty blue blood’s brain be smashed in with a club, you really have outstayed your welcome.

With one final double middle finger towards your old home, you fly off towards your destiny.

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are Karkat Vantas. You are currently pulling one of your fellow trolls, best friends, and first mate into your arms.

Kanaya looks almost like she could be sleeping, except for the fact that there is a remarkable amount of jade-green blood pouring from a gash above her right eye. You have to give Gamzee some credit, he has a mean swing.

You swallow hard and prepare yourself for what you’re about to do. It shouldn’t be this awkward, right? She’ll understand that you did it to save her life and then you’ll both have a good, long laugh about it later.

_She really is pretty though…_

“Jegus, what the fuck is wrong with me?!” You say aloud and then press your lips to hers.

For a second, you worry that it isn’t working. Her lips are still ghostly warm, but it’s fading rapidly. You almost begin to panic. You don’t want to lose…

Kanaya’s fangs dig into your bottom lip and you howl in pain. You put your hands on her shoulders and shove her away from you with all of your strength. The two of you separate and you scramble to your feet, gasping and feeling your torn lip with your fingers.

“Oh my! Karkat I’m so sorry, it was an instinctive reaction!” Kanaya’s lips are stained red with your blood and you freeze when she wipes it away on the back of her hand.

_Please don’t notice, please don’t say anything, please don’t…_

“Karkat…” Kanaya gazes at her bloody hand. “Is your blood… red?”

“You cannot tell anyone, Kanaya. Do you understand me?” For once, you aren’t shouting. This is a serious matter.

“I… Yes. Of course, Karkat… I won’t tell a soul.” She’s still looking from her hand to you and back and forth again.

You’ve always known that you were a freak, but the way Kanaya seems to be struck dumb by her discovery makes you feel more like you’re some kind of pitiful anomaly.

Then Kanaya does the last thing you’d ever expect her to do. She raises her hand to her mouth and drags her tongue across her skin, lapping off your blood like it’s some kind of exquisite human snow cone.

“Mmmmm.” She smiles a little sheepishly. “I hope that you will also keep this between us, Karkat. As you may know, it’s been quite a while since I’ve indulged my vampire tendencies.”

Oh yeah, in all the excitement you’d forgotten about Kanaya’s own condition. As a rainbow drinker, she finds the taste of blood to be delicious. However for the sake of everyone’s comfort she’s been depriving herself for as long as you’ve all been hidden in the base.

You’ll allow her to indulge right now, though. It’s not likely that either of you will bring up this entire interaction ever again.

“Um, anyways…” You cough once and furiously wipe at your lip again, ridding yourself of any indication that might give away your little red secret. “Vriska’s run off, Terezi’s chasing her, and Gamzee has gone berserk.”

“I assume it was he, who thought it prudent to end my life.” Kanaya stands up and smoothes down her skirt.

“Uh, yeah.”

“I see,” Kanaya pulls her tube of lipstick from her pocket and calmly smears a perfect ring of green around her lips. “Then I guess I should go have a little talk with him, hmm?”

You know what she means by ‘ _talk’_ and you don’t like it.

“No one is killing anyone else!” You bark and grab her by the wrist. “Kanaya! Promise me that you aren’t going to do anything foolish.”

“I respect you, Karkat.” She says in her most soothing voice. “Therefore I will not lie to you. I am going to slice Gamzee in half, got it?”

“No, Kan! I don’t ‘ _got’_ anything! You and I are going to fix everything, with as little bloodshed as possible.” You nod in the direction of Tavros’s corpse. “One troll is already too many and who knows how far Gamzee’s gotten so far. We’re going to stop him, but we’re going to do it the right way.”

Kanaya seems like she wants to argue, but instead she just stares at you. Her emerald eyes bore into you and you shift uncomfortably. She’s always been able to read you better than anyone else and right now it seems like she’s trying to see if you’re as confident as you sound.

“If he makes _one_ move…” She draws a line across her neck with her thumb. You get the message.

“Yeah, fine, whatever.” You lead the way towards the door. Gamzee must have stepped in Kanaya’s blood, because he’s left green footprints out the door and down the hall towards the hangar.

You and Kanaya get about halfway down the hall before she taps you on the shoulder.

“What?!”  You hiss.

“That’s my room.” She points. “Give me a moment to change before we progress.”

“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Kanaya, is this really the time to be swapping outfits. It’s not like you’re going to be strutting down a catwalk at the Ms. Alternia pageant anytime soon.”

“You cannot expect me to help you ‘ _fix everything’_ in this outfit, can you?” She gestures down at her bloodstained sweater and skirt.

“Holy shit. Just make it fast!” You snap at her and she disappears inside of her room.

She reappears a second later, clad in a red evening gown, complete with red slippers and gloves. She does in fact look as if she’s ready to strut her stuff now, but you’d never tell her that. You’re not in the mood to dish out compliments at the moment.

“Alright, are you ready?” She asks.

“Not yet, please excuse me while I go and pluck my eyebrows first.”

“That wouldn’t hurt actually.”

“Blah blah, huge snob.”

You covertly smooth down your eyebrows as you lead her towards the door, which in turn will lead to the hangar. Gamzee’s footsteps lead inside.

There isn’t very much in this miserable excuse of a universe that would have prepared you for the scene currently before you. The whole room is a mess and there, on the floor, lies your best friend Sollux, dead.

You see Kanaya out of the corner of your eye. She’s twisted her lipstick tube and transformed it into a chainsaw. You’ve never really understood how her weapon works, but you’ll ask about it later. There’s better-quality shit going down right now.

Gamzee is across the room. He’s standing above Equius, who’s unconscious and hopefully not dead, and raising his club above his head.

You see Kanaya start forward, her chainsaw poised to attack. If you don’t do something fast, you’re going to lose another friend. You don’t have time to think. You just act.

“SHOOOOOOSH!” You lunge and smack the chainsaw out of Kanaya’s hands. She looks stunned, but you don’t stop. You run up to Gamzee. “PAAAAP!” You grab his club and try to drag it out of his hand.

“HOOOK!” He responds.

Gamzee resists you, trying to tug the club out of your grasp so that he can finish of Equius.

“SHOOOooosh.”

“HOOOooonk.”

“Pap. Pap. Pap. Pa…”

“HOONK! HOOOONK! HOOO….”

“SHOOOSH! SHOOoooosh!” You slowly pull the club free from his fingers. “Pap. Pap.”

You gently press your palm up against his bloodstained face and pat softly. One, two, three. One, two, three. Over and over, until Gamzee’s breathing starts to relax.

Kanaya has reclaimed her chainsaw and is standing off to the side, waiting to see if you’re a good enough Morial to put Gamzee at ease.

With one more ‘ _honk’_ and a _‘shoosh’_ and a ‘ _pap_ ’, you and Gamzee slowly come together in a tender embrace. You would feel embarrassed if you weren’t so scared shitless at the moment. Anything has the potential to set Gamzee off again and you’re already in his grasp, ready to be his next target.

Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Or at least, that’s what the humans say.

Eventually, feel Gamzee sigh against your neck and he croaks:

“Hey there, motherfucker. What’s going on?”

“How are you feeling, pal?” You ask.

“I’m… a little tired. Hungry too.”

“Alright, that’s cool. How about I take you to your room?” You take Gamzee by the elbow and start steering him towards the door. “You can have a nice nap and then we could get a snack. Does that sound good?”

“Hell yeah. It sounds like a motherfuckin miracle.”

You reach the door before you turn back to Kanaya. She’s standing there looking equal parts impressed and stunned. You nod over to Equius and she nods back, before going over to see if he’s alright.

You turn back to Gamzee. He’s smiling at you like the big fucking idiot that he is. However, instead of cursing him out and insulting everything about him, even down to his ridiculous polka-dotted pants, you simply sigh and lead him towards his bedroom.

* * *

=> Be Terezi Pyrope

You are once again Terezi Pyrope.

You follow Vriska’s fruity blue scented trail towards the stairs. You’re about to ascend when another scent catches your sensitive nose. A spot of catnip scented-green is slowly staining the base of the stairs.

It’s Nepeta, crumpled in a bloody heap at your feet. That Vriska is such a bitch. Where does her treachery end?

_“Oh well, better get this over with.”_

You kneel down and roll Nepeta over onto her back. Her head lolls back at an unnatural angle and your positive that her neck has been snapped. This should still work though, in theory at least.

You kiss Nepeta full on the mouth.

Back in the day, before your session began, you spent a lot of time with the fucking crazy cat girl. Your shared passion for role-play drew you together and you have many fond memories of days spent frolicking through fields and nights spent acting out the law in mock courtroom scenarios.

She was always so full of life and seeing her here now, crumpled up and forgotten, makes you that much more determined to put an end to Vriska Serket and her bitchy exploits forever.

You feel Nepeta stir beneath you and you prop her up against a nearby wall. You’ll make sure that she’s okay later. Right now her body needs time to recover and you’re late for a very important date.

It doesn’t take nearly enough time for you to reach the top. You’re already standing in front of the door, before you’ve even worked out what you’re going to say before you kill her.

You’re torn between ‘ _You’ve just been Py-raped’_ and _‘suck it’_. You decide to just let things play out naturally and not force the script. It’s more fun to improvise anyway.

You creak the door open slowly.

“Anyways, just come back for me when you get this message, or at least call. I got to go, someone is coming. Please don’t be dead, John.”

“Talking to your human boyfriend? Hehe.” You step out of the doorway and into the night.

“What’s it to you, Pyrope?” Vriska doesn’t turn to face you. “Just go back downstairs, Terezi. I’ll be away from this shitty place and out of your hair soon enough.”

“Oh is that so?” You decide to participate in the pre-battle tradition of banter. “How long do you think it will take John to realize that you’re a huge bitch?”

“He already knows. He doesn’t care.”

“He doesn’t care _right now_ , but what about sweeps down the road when you finally do something that’s inexcusable. What happens when his patience runs out and he can no longer tolerate you?” Vriska stiffens visibly. “You won’t be able to come back here, Vriska. We won’t have you.”

“Go away, Terezi.”

“Why did you kill Tavros and Nepeta? Are you really that obsessed with this human that you’ll crack open your fellow troll’s heads without a second thought?”

“Go away!”

“NO!” You grasp the head of your cane and draw out the hidden sword. “You will pay for your crimes, Vriska Serket. You are not above the law!”

You watch Vriska’s hands disappear into her pocket. She’s holding her dice at the ready.

“Is that what you are now?” She still hasn’t turned around. “Are you the _law_ , Terezi? Gog, what is wrong with you? That was a game we played when we were barely older than wrigglers. This isn’t role-play, this is real life.”

“I know.” You grit your teeth. You aren’t laughing now. “You’ve made everything very, _very_ real. It’s time for you to face judgment.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

“I’ll do what I must.”

“You will try.”

**STRIFE!**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of POV changes. I hope no one was confused. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	8. ACT 1 - PART 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Kombo for reviewing.  
> Re-write of flash ahead.

=> Be Jade Harley

You are Jade Harley. It turns out that flying this golden ship is way easier then you aren’t blinded by tears and deafened by the sound of your own pitiful screams!

You do your best to think positive thoughts as the smooth metal of the steering wheel slides underneath your remaining fingers. It’s amazing how a really awful situation can turn into an incredibly shitty one in the time span of about thirty seconds.

You’re good dog/best friend died, your grandpa’s rifle was cut in half (you hope he doesn’t find out about that, he’d be really pissed!), and finally you were horribly maimed.

You shake your head, trying to simultaneously dislodge these incredibly depressing thoughts and resist the temptation to scratch at the bandages wrapped around your left hand. It’s really itchy!

Whatever troll medicine Aradia gave you is doing wonders for the pain, though. You’d take this annoying itching over the mind-blowing, searing hot, fire you’d experienced earlier. You’ll have to thank her when you get back to the troll’s headquarters.

You smile when you think about your new, cool, alien friends. They all seemed really nice, with the exception of Karkat, but you suppose his innate grumpiness is just a part of his charm, in some backwards, convoluted way of reasoning.

You really didn’t get to talk to him all that much anyways, on account of you being unconscious most of time you were in his presence.

You’ll have to get better acquainted with Karkat and the rest of his extra-terrestrial gang at a later date, preferably when you aren’t involved in fierce sword fights and sloppy rescue missions.

You shiver when you think about your harrowing encounter with Dave’s Bro.

“ _Bro_ ,” You hiss as you turn the wheel to compensate for the wind. “Leave it to him to bring a sword to a gunfight and _win.”_

“What was that, Jade?”

You jump when John speaks. You really need to work on not subconsciously vocalizing your thoughts. It’s led to enough awkward situations already that you really should have learned.

“Oh, nothing.” You grin at your ecto-brother. “Just talking to myself like a loon! Haha.”

John smiles back, but you can tell that it’s forced. He’s worried about you and is most likely regretting his decision to allow you to come along.

After getting on the golden ship and setting a course for Jack Noir’s castle, Dave and John had gotten in a pretty heated discussion concerning your welfare. Dave had considered (and probably still does) that bringing you along was a terrible idea. Not only are you injured but you don’t even have your rifle anymore. Essentially you’re useless.

Okay, Dave would never say that you’re _useless_ , but he might as well have. He should know better than to think that you’d just sit on the sidelines while your friends risked their lives.  John understands that. He’s always been good at understanding people and you appreciate that he’s on your side now more than ever.

Eventually the discussion was resolved with a rather unfair agreement that you would remain on the golden ship, whist John and Dave assaulted the castle under the pretense of rescuing Rose. Both you and Dave are still unhappy with the resolution.

You, because you wouldn’t be close enough to the action and Dave, because you would still be _too_ close to the action.

You look to the front of the air ship, where Dave is leaning on his elbows over the railing, completely motionless. You know he feels bad that it was _his_ brother that attacked you, but hat’s just plain stupid in his opinion.

What happened earlier wasn’t his fault at all. If you even remember correctly, Dave even tried to warn you about the impending attack. It’s alright for him to be concerned for you, but he’s making a mistake by trying to shelter you.

Eventually he’s got to learn that you aren’t made of glass. You would think that by fending off his brother’s assassination attempt, you would have earned a few brownie points. You would think wrong.

“Do you think he’s mad at me?” It’s John and he’s nodding towards his statue-like best friend.

“I think Dave is just mad at everything.” You respond, burning a hole into the back of Dave’s head with your gaze. “He’s had a rough day.”

“Yeah, we all have.” John pats you on the shoulder and you don’t fight the grin that tugs at your lips. John’s always had a way of cheering you up. You’re glad he’s here with you now.

You would be even _gladder_ if Dave wasn’t being such a fuckass.

Maybe you’re being too hard on the guy. It’s possible that his over-protective gambit is just some of his ironic, platonic affection manifesting itself improperly.

But then you remember Karkat’s shipping grid.

Could it be possible that Dave’s ironic affections aren’t really all that platonic?

You watch Dave adjust his dark sunglasses as the winds tousle his white-blonde hair.

“Jade. Hullo? Earth to Harley?”

“Oh! Sorry, John. I was just thinking.” You see that John is staring at you quizzically. You cough into your hand. “Were you saying something?”

“Well, I was just saying that I hope Rose is okay.”

“I’m sure she’s fine. You know Rose, she’s tough as nails!” You smile at John and he smiles back, once again weakly. You can tell he isn’t reassured.

“I just feel guilty, you know?” He continues. “I think that I wasted a lot of time doing… other stuff.”

“Like macking on your hot, alien girlfriend?”

It’s a shame that John isn’t drinking anything. You’ve always wanted to witness a real life spit-take. However, for the time being you’ll have to settle for his bulging eyes and awkward spluttering.

“Wh- who told you that!” He demands.

“Karkat.” You shrug, laughing as John curses the troll’s name.

“Damn him and his big, angry mouth! Why does he always see it fit to air my dirty laundry all the time!?”

“Maybe he escapes from his own lack luster romantic life through in-depth discussions of other people’s business?” You theorize.

John smirks.

“I thought Rose was the psychologist.”

“She totally is!” You laugh. “But that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t make astute deductions every once in a while? Speaking of Rose, did you know that Karkat totally ships you guys?”

“ _Ships_?” John repeats in that tone of voice that heavily implies that you’ve just uttered a completely alien term.

“Yeah, ‘ _Ship’_ as in ‘ _Relationship’_.  He thinks you and Rose should get married or whatever.”

You really do regret not giving John a glass of water or something. Two spit-takes in a row would have been amazing.

“Wh- what? Why does he think that?”

“Well,” You begin. “Since we‘re the only humans left alive, it’s up to us to repopulate the universe after all of this is over! And since Rose and Dave are related and you and I are related, that only leaves two compatible couplings. At least that’s what he says. I’m paraphrasing all of this of course.”

John looks completely dumbfounded. It seems you weren’t the only one that hadn’t thought that far ahead in your quest. Except where you had been disturbed by the idea, John looks downright confused beyond belief.

His face is screwed up like he’s trying to solve the world’s hardest calculus problem, whilst running some sort of gymnastic gauntlet.

“Me and Rose…” He eventually says. “Married?”

“Are you okay with that?” You prod.

“I… don’t really know.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I mean, I’m kind of seeing Vriska now and Rose… I really don’t think she likes me like that. Uh, aren’t we a little young to be thinking about all of this anyways?”

“Yeah I suppose.” You shrug. “But what happens if you and Vriska break up? Do you think you can love Rose?”

“Love?”

“Yeah, John. The big ‘L’ word! You can’t get married if you aren’t in love.”

If anything, John looks even more confused. Maybe a little green too, as if he might be sick.

“Oh man. I don’t know.” He says.

“You don’t think you could love Rose?”

“I… Well, um.” He casts about, as if he might find some sort of escape on the deck of the ship. “This whole line of questioning is getting me flustered. Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure,” You smirk. “But you can’t just run away from things just because they’re uncomfortable, John.”

“Oh yeah? Well how about you and Dave?” He snaps quickly.

You’re caught off guard. It’s not like you hadn’t considered the possibility since Karkat’s initial erection of the idea. In fact you’ve probably thought about that more than anything else. What’s surprising to you is that you’d never expect John to be so snippy. Maybe you accidentally touched a nerve with all of this relationship jibber jab.

“I don’t know.” You find your gaze once again fixed on the back of Dave’s head. “I guess I’ll worry about that when the time comes?”

Thankfully, John accepts your answer, even though it’s very similar to his own in level of evasiveness. You doubt he will press the issue anyways. The prospect of his ecto-sister and best friend hooking up probably makes him a little nauseous.

“Sooo…” You change the subject. “After you and Dave bust into the castle and rescue Rose, you’ll come back to the ship and we’ll fly off together into the sunset?”

“Yeah, something like that.” John chuckles. “There’s this whole plan that involves blowing up a sun and stuff, but we’ll explain that later.”

“Hmmmm.” You don’t press for further clarification. You trust John to tell you what you need to know when the time comes. He probably needs time to get his thoughts in order anyhow.

You both lapse into silence then. You can tell that John is doing his best not to look at your hand and doing an awful job at it. You don’t blame him, though. He’s probably curious to know more about your fight with Dave’s Bro.

You’ll tell him later, when the memory isn’t so fresh and when you can speak without that annoying lump forming in your throat. John won’t bring it up until you’re ready and you appreciate that.

“I hate to break up this wonderful sibling bonding moment just before it descends into horrible sitcom reminiscent hugs, featuring inside jokes and a generous helping of private and undoubtedly hilarious anecdotes, but we’re closing in fast on our destination.”  Dave’s voice causes you to jump.

“Oh! Hey Dave! I didn’t hear you sneak up on us!” You grin at him, but his face remains as impassive as ever.

“Sorry, I guess my natural ninjaesque prowess transcends my ability to make audible footsteps. My bad.” His voice is pretty deadpan, more than usual.

His typical brand of irony cuts a little deeper than it normally does too and you can tell that he’s still upset about you being in danger. Although you can’t see his eyes behind his dark sunglasses, you can feel his gaze upon yours.

“It’s cool, man.” John tries to cut through the tension, but it’s like trying to saw through steel with a butter knife. “I guess we better get ready to go, huh?”

“I guess, you’re right.” Dave turns and stalks back to the front of the ship.

John’s shoulders slump and he shoots you a weak smile. His third in the last ten minutes.

“Good luck, Egbert.” You give him a double thumbs up as he shuffles over to join Dave. “You’re probably going to need it.” You add quietly under your breath.

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. Jade’s forced optimism is nice and all, but sometimes you’re in the mood for something cool.

And if Dave Strider is anything: he’s definitely one cool dude.

Except right now you don’t feel very cool. You actually feel kind of hot. That’s kind of been a running theme with you for a while now. It’s kind of obnoxious.

It’s like a pair of hot cakes are rolling around in your chest, caught up in the fiery throes of some satanic ritual. Their chanting chants and dancing dances, fueling this nonsensical temper that threatens to overwhelm your already clouded judgment.

You thought that by interrupting John and Jade’s giggle-fest over there, your temper would improve. However, you were wrong. Now you just feel like a douche.

As you take up position, leaning over the railing once more, you can see the swirling black clouds buzzing angrily around the upmost towers of the sinister looking castle. John joins you, slapping his arms down on the railing to your right.

“So why do you think Jack Noir has a totally badass and radically evil-looking castle set up in LOWAS? Does he have a fort in every land or is it just here?” He asks. You shoot him a look and find that John is smiling his most awkward, dorky grin available. He’s trying to cheer you up by asking you questions. For some reason, that just makes you angrier.

“Maybe he just prefers taking dips in pools of motor oil and kicking back with hordes of blabbering, yellow salamanders.” You deadpan.

“Hmmm, maybe.” You’re both thankfully quiet for a while and you try to block off any further communication by acting very interested in the castle.

“Look, I’m sorry about bringing Jade.” John doesn’t know when to shut up. “It’s just that we couldn’t leave her behind and she’s actually a big help. Plus she’ll be on the ship the whole time. No worries.”

“Yeah, no worries.” You grumble. “It’s just odd to me how quickly you can switch from _‘no one is coming with me on this dangerous mission’_ to _‘everyone climb aboard the funhouse express! It’s gonna be a regular blast!’_ ”

John rubs the back of his neck. He’s been doing that a lot lately. You suppose it’s a nervous tick he’s developed since the session began.

You suddenly feel like more of a douche than ever. What the fuck is wrong with you?

“I’m sorry, Bro.” You say before he can respond. “Everything’s kind of hitting the fan at once and I guess I can’t take the heat as well as I thought I could. Regardless I shouldn’t take anything out on you. You’re doing you best John and so far your best is pretty damn good.”

“But your right though,” John’s staring off towards the castle like you. “I’m supposed to be the leader, but every move I make just feels like the wrong one. If something happens to you guys, because of me then… I don’t know what I’d do.”

Jade’s brining the golden air ship to a slow stop a good hundred yards away from the base of the castle. You and John will have to finish this conversation later.

“Nothing is going to happen to any of us.” You assure him. “Trust me on that. We’re like the main characters in some shitty anime. Nothing bad can ever happen to us. Not to mention you and I are both mega-awesome-warrior-gods now. We’re both basically indestructible.”

“Yeah, I suppose your right.” John smiles at you and it’s not that half-hearted shit he was giving Harley earlier. He actually feels hopeful again.

You hope you aren’t wrong about what you just said. It would really suck if you were.

“Looks like this is our stop.” John climbs up and sits on the railing. You join him. “Just run in, find Rose, get out. Don’t fight anything unless you have to and stay the hell away from Jack Noir.”

“Got it.” You nod.

“Alright, I should probably say something cool before I jump right?” He thinks for a second. “How about… GeroniMAHHHHHH!”

You put your hand on his back and shove him off before he can finish his sentence.

You cast one last look back at Jade. She smiles and waves in that way that makes you feel like you’re just popping down to the store for a carton of milk and totally not busting your way into an evil medieval castle like some Don Quixote wannabe.

You wave back. It’s completely un-cool and un-ironic, but you do it anyway.

And for some reason, the castle doesn’t look all that scary anymore.

You jump.

A cool breeze catches you under the arms and glides you down for a safe landing.

“Sweet catch, Bro.” You say once you join John on the ground.

“Yeah, yeah.” John’s tugging his hood out of an oil puddle and shaking it clean. “Just so you know, the next time _you_ try to say something cool I’m totally going to ruin it for you.”

“Good luck with that, Egbert. Everything I say is cool.”

“My Gog, you’re right.” He slaps his hands to his cheeks. “You’re like a paragon of coolness, a pariah of awesome, a prick of insufferability.”

“Damn straight.” The pair of you start jogging towards the castle. “And since when did you start saying ‘ _Gog’_? Isn’t that a troll word?”

“What? Did I say that?” John thinks for a second. “Hmmm. I guess that was a slip of the tongue, huh?”

You wonder how much cultural bleeding you and the trolls are in for. It always starts with a few slangs here and curses there, but next thing you know John and Jade could be wearing fake horns and painting themselves grey. Seriously, John is even banging one of those things on the regular.

Imagining John awkwardly macking on that hot alien babe is funny, but the idea of him running around with little human/troll hybrids just makes you feel fifty different kinds of disgusted.

You resolve to worry about the integrity of the human gene pool at a later date, preferably when you aren’t busy racing around pools of flammable liquid towards a fortress full of murderous…

“Imps!” John hisses, grabbing onto your arm.

Sure enough, what looks like a few dozen of the little black bastards are scattered about between you and your destination. Almost as if they knew you were coming.

“Do you think we could talk them down?” John wonders aloud.

With a roar, the imps surge forward as one. They brandish sharp looking spears and a few are wildly waving rifle-like devices.

“Nope.” You say and draw your sword.

**STRIFE!**

You lose track of John as the fight begins, but you trust him enough to take care of himself. The first imp lunges at you with a spear. You parry and then proceed to relieve his shoulders of burden that was his head.

Black blood splatters your clothes and you silently hope that it doesn’t stain. As gaudy and florescent as your red getup is, it’s really pretty badass. The hood is a little tight though, but you aren’t about to complain like some chump bitch.

A bullet whizzes by your ear. One of the imps is shooting at you.

You bob and weave towards him and slice him in half. This battle isn’t really that exciting and you honestly a little disappointed at how lackluster this strife really is.

John is a little ways away from you, using his massive hammer to smash the imps like little, angry, rotten, black grapes.

“Yo, Egbert!” You call as you hack two imps in half with one swing

“Dave! What’s up?”

“What do you call an imp that is from china?!”

“I don’t know!” John blows an imp into the sky with a gust of wind. “What?”

“An Imp-Ling!”

“Fuh…” John shoots you a look. “Dave that’s terribly offensive.”

“What do you mean?” You kick an imp in the chest and stab him when he falls. “That’s not offensive.”

“It’s offensive to Chinese people.” John explains. “You’re insinuating that all Chinese people have ‘Ling’ for a last name.”

“Whatever.” One imp screams really loudly when you cut of his wrist. His remaining hand is clutching his rifle and waving around wildly.

You guess that the imp squeezed the trigger accidentally, because something large, fast, and hot erupts from the barrel and shoots off into the sky. You run the imp through with your sword and cast about for more enemies.

However you and John now stand alone, surrounded by heaps and heaps of the little soldiers. You almost feel kind of bad, that was almost too easy.

“Dave! Look!” John’s pointing somewhere over your head.

You turn and gasp in horror. The shot that was fired by the final imp had gone straight up, striking the golden air ship that had once been hovering above you. With a loud boom, you watch the airship start to descend rather quickly.

“Fuck!” You start running. “OH FUCK, OH SHIT, OH SHIT!”

The ship disappears behind a clump of blue rocks and an ear-splitting _crash_ rocks the ground beneath your feet.

“Dave! Dave, slow down!” John is running behind you, trying to get a grip on your cape.

“JADE! SHE’S ON THE SHIP, JOHN!” You sprinting as fast as you can, but it isn’t fast enough. “SHE’S THERE!”

“I know, Dave! But we can’t… Rose?!” John sounds unsure and you glance over your shoulder to see that he’s come to a stop.

He’s looking at you and gesturing wildly towards the castle behind him.

“I… Bro, I…” You look towards the smoke, steadily rising over the blue rocks. “I’m going to for Jade!”

And without looking back again, you dash towards where the golden ship had crashed.

The rocks crunch and shift under your feet, giving you the impression that one wrong step could send you tumbling backwards head over heels. You press forward though, since traversing the rocky hill doesn’t seem to bother you as much as it once had the possibility to.

You guess that by fighting dozens of imps, almost being killed by your own brother, and committing suicide, you’ve become sort of jaded to everyday risks. You’ve been hardened like one of those gruff protagonists from John’s shitty films, filled to the brim with man-grit and barely suppressed post-adolescent angst.

Once you’re atop the peak, you can clearly see the golden ship lying on it’s side at the bottom the ravine.

“HARLEY!” You pick your way down towards the crash. “YO! Harley! You better not be fucking dead, or else you better be prepared to have your fine ass resurrected!”

“DAVE!”

You breathe a sigh of relief when you hear her voice.

“Where are you?” You reach the ship and jog around the wide hull.

“Over here.”

The whole thing is on it’s side and when you reach the over turned deck, you find Jade lying on the ground nearby. She’s pinned under a piece of golden railing.

“Are you hurt?” You rush to her side and help her to shove off the tackily painted beam.

“No I’m fine.” Jade grabs your arm and you pull her to her feet. “I don’t know what happened! The ship just lost control.”

“One of the imps had some kind of laser gun. He shot you out of the sky like a mallard during hunting season.” You brush some dust out of Jade’s hair and cast about for anymore signs of trouble.

Luckily there appears to be no imminent danger, besides the castle full of imps and Jack Noir just over the ridge.

A ripple of blue colors your sunglasses and you tap them quickly.

“Egbert.” You answer.

“Dave! Are you okay? Is Jade okay?”

“Yeah, we’re all honky dory over here. Sorry for running off like that,” You steer Jade away from the wreckage, in the opposite direction of the castle. “I had to make sure Harley wasn’t super dead.”

“No worries, man. Listen, you should probably take her back to the troll’s base.”

You come to a halt, jerking Jade accidently with the suddenness of your stop. You’re torn between wanting to get Jade safe and wanting to go back to help your best friend. Of course you had been right that bringing Jade along had been a bad idea, why did there have to be a near death experience for John to take your apprehensions seriously.

“Dude, I… are you sure?”

“Yeah, we already killed all of the imps. It should be a cakewalk from here on out. I’ll grab Rose and meet up with you guys in no time.”

Jade is staring at you quizzically. She can’t hear John and the fifty percent of the conversation she is hearing probably doesn’t make much sense. You watch her gnaw on her bottom lip for a while.

“Dave?” She asks. “Dave, what is it?”

“Alright, John.” You tap your shades. “We’ll see you soon.”

“Hey, what did John say?” Jade struggles to keep up with your long strides. “Dave, hey!”

You don’t turn around yet. You need to get your thoughts in order, before you plead your case. Jade will never knowingly run away while John is still out there all alone.

“I, uh… We’re meeting John back at the troll base.” You speak over your shoulder.

“What about Rose?”

“She’s fine and everything.  We just need to get back to the base.”

“So did you already save her? That was fast! Shouldn’t we wait for them so that we can travel together?”

“No, Jade just come on.” She opens her mouth but you cut her off. “Jade, let’s go.”

You grab her arm firmly and tug her forward.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently in the process of descending. It’s taking much longer than you anticipated, but you aren’t really in that much of a hurry.

Jack Noir isn’t going anywhere.

You touch down once more on the roof of the tallest spire of the castle. John’s Dad still lies dead on the hard stone floor. You don’t look at him though. There’s no reason to.

You’re feet barely skim the floor as you move, descending down the steps and deeper into the castle halls. On a much different occasion, you would have appreciated the gothic architecture and low lighting; perfect for long evenings spent sculpting literature from the raw material that is words.

 Right now though, you barely register the intricate [architrave](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Architrave) as you step into the throne room. It’s large and empty, save for the ostentatious throne at the head of the hall. It’s symbolic of classical monarchies: large to represent their oppressive power and empty to represent their boundless potential.

Where does Jack Noir’s despicability end? Not with his pretentious attitude, that much is obvious.

There is not a soul to contend with. No imps or denizens or brain-washed adult male guardians. It’s just you, alone with these dark swirling thoughts.

“ _What are you doing, Rose?”_ They say. “ _Why are you wasting your time here? The search for revenge is so trivial compared to the wonders we could accomplish. Together, Rose. Always together.”_

You growl to yourself. Literally, you growl.

No words can accurately describe your contempt for your current situation. You cannot find you quarry, and the longer you search the more incessant the voices become. It’s a vicious circle of disappointment. Each new doorway leads to more emptiness, which is quickly filled with those dangerous, silken tongues.

“ _You should leave while you have the chance, Rose. There is no glory in a fool’s death. You can do so much more with our help. Forget your quest; forget your friends and family. They are not here now. They do not care for you…”_

You slow to a stop. You are back in the throne room. You’ve walked in one more vicious circle.

“ _But we care for you, Rose. We’ve always been here. We will always be…”_

“ _NO!”_  You shout into your own mind. “ _I CANNOT LEAVE! NOT UNTIL JUSTICE IS SERVED! NOT UNTIL I HAVE KILL JACK NOIR. I must kill him. I must kill. Kill. Kill. Kill…”_

You repeat those words in your head like a mantra. It keeps you focused, keeps your mind sharp. It keeps you… here. There must be no distractions, no interruptions. You’re here for a reason. One reason and one reason alone.

“Rose!”

You turn quickly, wands drawn, a deadly spell on your black lips and…

“John?”

“Oh thank Gog you’re okay!” John is running up to you. He’s wearing what looks like a set of blue pajamas, equipped with a long hood, which is reminiscent of a deflated windsock. You’re first instinct is to unleash a sarcastic jab at his ridiculous appearance, but as his face falls so does your momentary uplift in spirit.

He’s finally gotten a proper look at your new appearance.

“Are you okay?” John frowns. “You look a little… ill, I guess.”

“One of Jack’s little tricks.” You examine your grey fingers. “Horrorterrors, John, elder monsters of the furthest ring. They’ve bonded with me during the time of my imprisonment. It appears that I have inherited some of their mythical powers.”

“Errr….” He shuffles a little nervously and rubs the back of his neck. “Come again?”

“I am not going to repeat myself. I’ve accurately explained the reason for my transformation.”

“Look, Rose. I can’t understand a single word you’re saying.”

John smiles sheepishly and holds his hands out, palm up. He’s acting like it’s somehow his fault that he can’t undersand your devil speak.

“I see. It appears the Horrorterrors are not just satisfied by feasting upon my mind. They also wish to feed upon my physical attributes as well. Without the power of speech they have significantly weakened me. Well played foul beasts.”

“Yeah, I got none of that.” He’s starting to look a little uncomfortable. “It’s just a bunch of sillyspeak and gobbledygook.”

“I understand. Do not be afraid though, John. _You_ have nothing to fear from me.”

“Wait a minute!” John exclaims. “I know what’s happened. You’ve finally did it, Rose. You went grimdark!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Man, I warned you this would happen if you kept up with that grim disposition and dark throes.” He’s acting like some adult who’s just caught his teenage with a bottle of Smirnoff. “I warned you about those stubborn throes. I told you, Rose.”

“Consider me now fully briefed on the topic of stubborn grimdark throes.” You roll you eyes. Leave it to John to lighten the mood with his obscure pop-cultural references and doting nature.

“Okay well… anyways.” He continues, taking your current grimdark persona in stride. “Now that I know you’re safe, maybe you could help me look for our parents and Jade’s grandpa too?”

John looks hopeful and if your heart already wasn’t tainted with the evil tendrils of elder beasts it probably would break right about now.

“You’re father is dead John and my mother has been taken far away from here, along with Jade’s grandpa. There is no one here, but Jack Noir.”

“Do you know where they are? Are they in the castle, Rose?”

You shake your head furiously.

“No?” John crosses his arms. “Are you saying ‘no’ to the first question or to the second question?”

“Both.” You say, holding up one finger and then two fingers on your left and right hand respectively.

“Niether?”

“NO, JOHN! I’M SAYING _NO_ TO BOTH!”

“Both?”

You nod your head furiously.

“Oh, okay.” He deflates a little. “Well, we should probably get out of this castle then. Dave and Jade are outside somewhere, if we hurry maybe we can catch up with them. Then we can find a cure for your stubborn throes.”

Before you can say anything, John has taken you by the hand and is guiding you towards a set of doors.

“We met all the trolls by the way.” John continues. “They’ll all really nice and they live in this awesome secret base and everything. I think you’ll really like them, Rose.”

“John.” You begin. “I cannot go with you. There is work that I must do here.”

“Oh don’t worry. I’m sure they will like you too.” He stops to think for a second. “Except maybe Vriska, she doesn’t seem to like anyone very much. Also she calls you ‘ _little miss perfect’_ all the time. I wonder what that’s about.”

“Don’t act like you can understand me! It’s highly annoying.”

“Yeah me too.”

“FUCK! JOHN STOP IT!” You wrench your hand out of his grip.

He turns back to look at you, his face full of concern.

“What is it, Rose? What’s wrong?”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m _Lassie_ either! That’s just insulting!”

“Yeah I know. I’m frustrated too.”

“FUCK!” You dig the heels of your hands into your eyes. If you could have chosen anyone to encounter in your current state, it probably wouldn’t have been John. He’s just too… nice.

Too nice to be afraid, too nice to leave you alone, too nice to honestly say that he’s confused by everything you say and do. Just a few seconds ago you were hell-bent on delivering swift, bloody justice in your quest for revenge. You don’t need John here, confusing your motivations with… emotions.

 _“Show him.”_ Says the voices in your head. “ _Show him. Then he will understand.”_

For once, you agree.

You take John by the hand and this time you’re leading him across the throne room, in the opposite direction of the exit.

“What is it, Rose? Where are we going?” He trots loyally behind you.

“Please be quiet, John.”

This is going to hurt him. _You_ are going to hurt him.

But it’s necessary. It must be done.

He will understand.

John apparently gets the message that you want silence for the time being and readily complies. At least, for a little while.

“Did you know that we’re supposed to get married?”

You’re leading him up the stairs when he speaks.

You stop and turn to look at him fully. You don’t even get a chance to speak before he’s blabbering again.

“Well that’s what Jade said that Karkat said!” He blurts. “I mean, Karkat told Jade, who then told me, that we’re supposed to get married in the future.”

“Oh really,” You smirk. “Well what do you think about that, John?”

“Oh man! I hope this doesn’t come off as a proposal or anything.  We don’t have to actually get married.” He chuckles and rubs the back of his neck again before adding: “I mean, not if you don’t want to.”

You decide to just stare at him for a moment and see where this goes.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I guess I’m just nervous.” He laughs again, this time a little louder and his eyes flicker down to both of your fingers, interlaced. “I mean I haven’t seen you in a long time and after you got kidnapped I was really worried about you. But now I see that you’re okay, sort of. Except you’re talking like an eldritch monster and I should probably shut up now right?”

“John,” You sigh. “You’re probably the most hopeless boy I’ve ever met.”

“Um… anyways. You were taking me somewhere?”

Suddenly you realize that you no longer what to make John understand. You want him to stay stupid and foolish and gullible and kind and compassionate and so damn _hopeless._

You don’t want to be the one to break his heart, but somebody has to. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t necessarily want to do in this universe. You understand that very well, and that’s why you grip John’s hand tighter and lead him up to the tallest spire.

He’s here. He’s been waiting for you.

It’s Jack Noir… except it isn’t.

His smooth, black skinned face has been replaced with the furry muzzle of a wolf. Bec Noir is a gruesome and unnatural mix of man and beast, whose dark energies ripple through the air and cause the hairs on the back of your neck to stand on end.

“John, you should leave.” You whisper quietly to your friend.

You feel his hand slip out of yours, but instead of moving back down into the castle, John steps forward. He isn’t looking at you or Bec Noir, John has his sad, blue eyes firmly fixed upon the corpse of his father. It’s deathly silent and neither you nor your enemy move as the boy gazes down at his family.

Very slowly, John turns to you and he isn’t crying or screaming or anything else you had expected him to do. John just looks very, very sad.

“Leave, John.” You repeat.

He can’t understand you, but you talking to him anyway. You don’t know why you keep trying, although if you had to guess, you’d say that you considered John worth the effort.

Bec Noir draws his sword, but he does not attack. He is waiting for you, for _both_ of you.

“He did this.” John moves by your side. He’s not looking for clarification. The time for questions has long passed. John now understands everything. “We’ll take him together.”

You don’t argue. Even if you were in full control of your verbal facilities, you doubt that you would be able to convince John to abscond.

He draws his hammer and you clutch your wands tightly in your fist. You retract your earlier statement; there is no one you would rather have at your side right now than John Egbert.

**STRIFE!**

Bec Noir is suddenly behind John and before you can even scream, his blade punches through John’s chest in a shower of red.

John’s shirt goes from blue, to purple, to a deep, dark red and with a sickening _squelch_ , Bec Noir pulls his sword free.

John utters the tiniest “ _oh_ ” that you’ve ever heard and then falls flat on his face, dead.

Now you scream.

It isn’t a warning shout, or a roar of anguish or pain. You aren’t sad or scared. You are _furious_. Hot, boiling blood surges through your veins and you vision becomes of a haze of swirling blacks and reds. There is nothing that would satisfy you more than to dig your knitting needle wands into Bec Noir’s eyes and gouge his brain out through his face. In fact, now seems like as good as time as any to fulfill that satisfying notion.

You’re still screaming as you charge forward, swishing your wands before you and firing spell after spell towards your arch-nemesis.  Bec Noir’s dark blade becomes a blur as he deflects your magical barrage with infuriating ease.

He doesn’t advance or retreat, but allows you to rush up to him. Both your corresponding weapons clash with a deafening _boom_ , but you barely register the sound. You’re vision is blurry.

So obscured is your sight that it’s a wonder you can even aim you spells or block his swipes. You feel the blackness within you pulling magnetically towards Bec Noir’s own aura and you wonder if it’s even possible for darkness to be defeated by more darkness.

“ _Let us help, Rose!”_ The voices hiss in your head. “ _You cannot succeed without our help!”_

You twirl, sending your dress flapping around your ankles, and force Bec Noir backwards with another chain of sorcery. Black tendrils are rising from you like acrid smoke and your senses feel dulled, like you’ve been wrapped in a thick stuffy blanket.

“ _GIVE IN, ROSE LALONDE! OR DIE!”_

You scream again. Did you ever even stop?

Bec Noir’s lunging forward, you go blind, and that horrible, smooth voice cackles in your ear. It’s a demon choir in your head and a sword in your stomach.

“Help me!” You gasp as Bec Noir pulls his sword out of your gut. “Pl- pl… Please!”

The voice just continues to laugh. Bec Noir places his foot on your chest and kicks you across the rooftop. You skid backwards, leaving a trail of blood in your wake and eventually come to a stop beside the motionless John.

“ _You are weak, Rose. Without us you are powerless. You were always doomed for failure. Your mother saw that, we saw that, and even you…”_

The voices trail off and you watch as Bec Noir spreads his black wings and takes to the sky. There’s no reason for him to stay here any longer. His job is done.

Your mouth tastes like sour pennies and your abdomen feels like it’s been set ablaze. It might as well have been, since the smoke continues to peel off of you in waves.

Once again, you have been abandoned. Even the Horrorterrors, when you needed them most, have left you to die alone.

Not alone. Not really.

Your head lolls to the side and then you can see him. John Egbert, your friend, your leader, your friendleader. He had come for you when all others refused and right now you wish that your last words to him hadn’t been sillyspeak or gobbledygook.

“I wouldn’t mind…” You croak and reach for his hand, but your fingers never make it.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent a lot of time on this chapter. A whole lot more than I have on any earlier ones. Who knew that re-writing a flash game/animation would be so hard? Maybe I just suck at it. Anyways, the next few chapters are going to be split up between different groups, who are doing different things. I have a lot planned for this fic.
> 
> Also if you haven't read "Touching" by Latia, you really should. She has a lot of good Grimdorks fics.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	9. ACT 1 - PART 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to again to Kombo for commenting.

=> Be Aradia Megido

You are Aradia Megido.

You are picking flowers outside of your home base just for fun. Well they aren’t exactly flowers and you don’t do really much of anything nowadays ‘ _just for fun’_. The local foliage populating the LOWAS landscape is actually quite useful for synthesizing medicine.

Except the mushrooms. Fuck those fungi.

Anyways, you’ve already treated Jade’s wounds with a mixture of leaves and roots and when you back up to her room, you’re give her a nice calming drought of blue grass.

You tuck your newly collected materials into your Adventurer’s Satchel. You’d never go anywhere without that trusty satchel, hanging loosely from you hip next to your bullwhip. You make sure to carefully hide your goods. If Gamzee were to get a sniff of them, he’d surely try to steal them away when you aren’t looking.

You know how he likes to smoke that herb and just blaze the fuck up.

As you’re taking the trek back up towards the base, a shadow passes over the rocks and you look up to catch a glimpse of an odd sight.

Eridan is riding away on the last rocket car, quickly speeding away from the base at a breakneck speed. You reach into your faithful satchel and pull out your headset. With a _flick_ and a _click_ , you put it on and quickly call Eridan.

It rings three times before going to voicemail.

Hmmm, that’s strange. Typically you can’t get Eridan to shut up, let alone not answer one of your calls. If it were anyone else out and about, you’d think that Karkat had assigned them for some sort of mission. You seriously doubt that Karkat would trust Eridan with anything though, on account of Karkat’s low level of tolerance for Eridan’s invariable dramatic nature.

You decide to that it’s not really none of your business, or else you would have been previously given information on the matter, and chose to no longer trouble your mind with thoughts of the dubiously heterosexual sea dweller.

You scoff at the information that Sollux had shared with you previously, concerning the love triangle concocted between himself, Feferi, and Eridan. Romance is too much of a bother in your opinion. It complications everyday interactions and leads to presumptions, which in turn lead to hurt feelings and disappointment when said presumptions are left unfulfilled.

You’ve gotten this far in your life without some significant other to waste time with. Besides, there hasn’t been anyone, troll or otherwise, who has captured you attention up to date.

As you walk, you casually scan the ground. Most of the rocks on LOWAS are an uninteresting shade of blue, but every once and a while some of the stronger storms can wash over more interesting stones from more intriguing lands.

Such as right now.

You spot a red stone and stoop to pick it up. It’s hard and glassy, giving the impression that it’s home might be somewhere on LOHAC or maybe LOPAH before it was destroyed. You once again open your highly dependable satchel and store the stone away.

Sollux would probably like it. He has an astute eye for cool archeological finds just like you. Therefore, he’ll probably appreciate it.

You eventually reach the secret entrance to your base and shove the boulder aside easily. Down the dark tunnel, up the multitude of stairs, and into the main computer room you go.

“What the… fuck?” You say.

Tavros Nitram lies decapitated and obviously dead next to his computer. There is also a large amount of jade-green blood pooled near Kanaya’s work station.

With a smart _crack_ , you draw your bullwhip and move further into the base to investigate as to the location of you other friends and fellow trolls. The next hallway is deserted, although you do notice a set of bloody footprints leading in the direction of the hangar.

You head in that direction, passing the stairs and…

“Aradia? Is that mew?” A voice speaks from the base of the stairs.

“Nepeta.” You crouch down next to the crazy fucking cat girl. “What happened here?”

You examine her and see that is completely unscathed for the most part, although the rumpled state of her clothes and her current location cause you to assume that she’s been tossed down the stairs.

“It was Vriskers!” Nepeta hisses. “She pushed me down the stairs fur no appurent reason and killed me!”

You’d always thought that Serket was a bit of a bitch, but a killer? Honestly… you wouldn’t put it past her.

“Did she kill Tavros and Kanaya too?” You ask, pulling Nepeta to her feet.

“No,” Says a third voice from behind you. “Gamzee killed me.”

You whip around to find that is in fact Kanaya who had spoken. You also see that she is supporting a limping Equius.

“I have a lot of questions.” You rush over to help her carry Equius to his nearby room.

“They can wait,” Kanaya huffs as the pair of you haul Equius onto his bed. “Right now, Karkat needs our help.”

“Nepeta,” You address the troll girl who is standing in the doorway, glancing nervously at her Morial. “Don’t worry about Equius, he seems fine. Stay down here with him, okay?”

“No puroblem!” Nepeta takes up her post as you and Kanaya quickly make your way from the room and back down the hall.

Instead of leading you up the stairs like you expected Kanaya to do, she takes you to Gamzee’s room. The door is ajar and you can see Karkat inside, gently guiding his own Morial to sleep. You and Kanaya wait as Karkat puts Gamzee to rest, exits the room, and softly closes the door. He then turns on you.

“Where. The. Fuck.” Karkat growls an inch away from your face. “Have. You. BEEN!”

“Careful there, Karkat.” Kanaya rests a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t want to wake up that murderous _psychopath_.” She spits her words and nods towards Gamzee’s door.

You guess that she isn’t all that ‘ _okay_ ’ with him killing her. It’s interesting to see Kanaya struggle with her contempt. You’ve never seen her displaying any negative emotion above the level of gentle disagreement.

“I was down in the valley, collecting plants.” You pat your loyal satchel. “You don’t expect Jade to recover from her injuries on good intentions alone, do you?”

“You can take those magical healing herbs and shove them up your jaded, deadpan, tight-as-fuck asshole!” Karkat pushes through you and starts stalking towards the main computer room. “The humans are gone! Along with any chance of actually finishing this Gog forsaken game!”

You want to tell Karkat that there was no reason for him to be as specific as to say ‘ _asshole’_. He could have just said ‘ _ass’_. At least then it wouldn’t have felt so grimy. You decide to shelve that issue for later though and valiantly press on with the matters at hand.

“What do you mean the humans are gone? Jade is in no state to travel. Where did they go?”

The three of you have now entered the main computer room. Karkat crosses over to his desk, stepping hurriedly over Tavros in the process.

“I’m pretty sure the humans went after their stupid human friend, Rose.” He sinks into his chair. “Even though I specifically told you, _Kanaya_ , to tell the humans that there was no time for sloppy rescue missions!”

“I advised them to abandon Rose, just like you said.” Kanaya crosses her arms and glares at Karkat. “John seemed to take to the idea readily. I had no reason to belief that he was acting deceitful.”

“Oh of course not! No reason at all, huh?!” Karkat begins typing furiously into his computer, bringing up his viewfinder. “You probably let him go after Rose! I knew that you were a little too interested in that human girl, Kanaya! It’s clouding your judgment, making you irrational, forcing you to behave- HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!”

All three of you examine the screen. Karkat grabs great fistfuls of his hair and starts to pull, Kanaya covers her mouth with her hands, and you simply stare at the screen. It doesn’t seem possible. After all the work you had all put into your plans, Karkat was right. All hope really is lost.

John and Rose are dead.

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. And you are so _done._

In fact they should invent a new word just to describe how _done_ you are, as you think it’s safe to bet that no one who has ever existed before has been as _done_ as you currently are.

“I can’t… I don’t even… FUCK!” You shove away from your desk, knocking over your chair in the process.

“Karkat!” Kanaya exclaims. You don’t pay her any attention though. You proceed to kick at your overturned chair and send it skidding away across the floor.

“DON’T YOU ‘ _KARKAT’_ ME, KANAYA!” You roar. “I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. I FUCKING KNEW IT! BUT NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME, DO THEY? NOT UNTIL IT’S TOO FUCKING, GOG-DAMN, BULGE DRINKING LATE!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT…”

“He’s coming back to life.” Aradia says calmly.

You shove both of the girls out of the way and grab the edges of your monitor tightly in your gasp, as if you’re afraid that it might float away.

“Hmmm. It seems that you are correct, Aradia.” Kanaya leans over your shoulder to get a good look at the view finder. “His privileges of god-tier status are bringing him back to life, but what about Rose?”

“He’ll have to kiss her.” You breathe, only answering Kanaya’s question out of reflex.

You’re still processing everything that has happened in the past… How long has it been? An hour? Gamzee killing Kanaya, you reviving Kanaya, Gamzee killing Sollux, Sollux staying dead as hell, dead Nepeta, unconscious Equius, revived Nepeta, dead Tavros, crazy Vriska…

Terezi!

“Alright!” You have to act. Now is the time for you to be the leader. “KANAYA!”

Even though your friend and first mate is by your side, you still feel the need to call for her. There’s something about the way that she stands at attention, awaiting orders, that gets you all hot and bothered.

“You need to get in contact with John.” You command. “As soon as he wakes up, have him mack on Rose until she’s revived.”

“Understood.” Kanaya goes to retrieve your chair, returning it to your desk before grabbing your headset and getting to work. You know you can always trust Kanaya to take care of business. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t bother you as much as anyone else.

“ARADIA!” The other troll girl winces as you shout a foot away from her ear. “Terezi ran off to stop Vriska. You and I are going to find them.”

“Lead the way, fearless leader.” She says.

You can tell when you’re being mocked.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GRUB EATING BITCH AND COME ON!”

You dash from the computer room with Aradia hot on your heels. You’ll head to Vriska’s room first and she if Terezi’s cornered her there.

“Where are you going?” Aradia grabs your elbow.

“Vriska’s room!” You wrench free of her grasp. “Where the fuck else!”

“Nepeta said that Vriska passed her going up the stairs.”

“Oh FUCK!” You push past Aradia and lead the way in the opposite direction, towards the stairs. “They’re probably having some super intense stand off on the roof! Dammit! This is just the kind of melodrama I want to avoid!”

“You know Vriska,” Aradia keeps up easily. She’s in a lot better shape than you. “She loves to make a scene. Same goes for Terezi.”

“Maybe that’s why they used to be such good friends.” You growl and gnash your teeth like some sort of angry, wild animal. “They have a mutual interest in being ANNOYING AS ALL FUCK!”

“Speaking of good friends, where is your buddy Sollux?”

You stumble over the first step and only Aradia’s hand under your arm keeps you from busting your teeth on the stairs. Clambering to your feet, you quickly mull over your options.

1\. Tell Aradia that Sollux is dead

2\. Lie and say that he isn’t

3\. Abscond from this really uncomfortable conversation

“Sollux is dead.” You decide to not beat around the hive and give it to her straight. You quickly start up the stairs again, as if you can outrun your own words.

You get to the first landing and glance over your shoulder to see that Aradia hasn’t moved. She’s gazing pointedly at the place where you were just standing.

“Aradia?” You descend a few steps towards her.

“Where?” She snaps, still staring blankly.

“The hangar. Gamzee got him with…” But the rest of your words fall on deaf ears. Aradia has turned tail and is now dashing in the direction of the hangar. “ARADIA GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!”

She doesn’t respond or even acknowledge your call, but instead disappears around the corner without a second look. What’s her deal? You’ve never known Aradia to give a shit about anything, but apparently now something is _ultra-important_ compared to the _low-quality_ life and death scenario currently playing out on the roof.

Maybe you’d been a little insensitive with the delivery of the news regarding Sollux’s death. Now that you think about it, Sollux and Aradia were probably pretty close friends. You’ve seen them spending time together before, but hadn’t really thought much of it.

“Leave it to Aradia,” You huff as you climb the stairs. Damn, you are _really_ out of shape. “To go running off during some real heavy shit like someone is giving away free Faygo in the damn parking lot. FUH!”

When you finally reach your destination, you resist the temptation to collapse into a heap at the top of the stairs and catch your breath. You’re a leader, not a runner or a jumper or a fighter. How the hell did Terezi and Vriska get up here so fast?

You’re wheezing pitifully as you throw the door open and step out into open air.

The first thing you see is…

“Terezi!”

She’s sitting cross-legged on the roof a few yards away from you. She doesn’t turn or acknowledge your presence at all when you call her name.

“Hey!” You start walking towards her. “Did you catch up with…”

You’ve just gotten close enough to see what’s lying in front of Terezi, that which she’s staring at with a sort of sickening sadness that makes your stomach roll over.

“Fuck…”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you have just died… again.

What is it with you and dying? Seriously, this is the second time someone’s got a cheap shot on you from behind. The only difference is that this time you’re pretty sure that you won’t come back.

Which, when you think about it, really kind of sucks. There was so much that you wanted to do! So much that you wanted to say, to Vriska, to your friends Dave, Jade, and Rose, and to all of your new friends, all the trolls whose names would take far too long to list.

Huh. That’s cool. You’ve never had that many friends before, and you probably won’t ever again.

Because you’re dead. For the second time. In like… the same day?

You think about your Dad and instantly regret it. He had been just lying there, unmoving, unseeing. It would almost have looked like he was sleeping if you ignored his wide, blank stare, and copious amounts of dried blood pooled around the gaping hole in his chest.

Yeah, you really regret thinking about your Dad. Therefore you stop and try to think about something else, something a whole lot less depressing.

Nothing comes to mind. Everything sucks.

Then you wake up.

“Holy Shit!” You scream and then you’re on your feet.          

Your head is spinning and you feel like your legs are made of jelly, but you are undoubtedly alive once again. You look down at your god tier outfit. It hasn’t changed except for the addition of a startling quantity of red and a pair of holes, one above your chest and another on your back.

That’s where you were stabbed. You were _stabbed_ by Jack Noir.

You turn quickly, drawing your hammer and casting about for your enemy. However, the winged wolf beast is now gone without a trace. You’re not too disappointed though. You’re head is still really foggy right now and you doubt that you’d put up much of a better fight the second time around.

The best option for you right now is to find your friends and HOLY SHIT ROSE IS LYING RIGHT HERE WHY DIDN’T YOU NOTICE HER EALIER!

“Rose! Oh fuck.” You drop by her side and shove your fingers up under her jaw.

Her skin is cool to the touch and you cannot feel the tell tale signs of a pulse, not even a faint one.

Rose is dead.

“No no no no. You’ll come back.” You pull your friend up into your arms, supporting her head like a child. “You’ll come back, right? _I_ came back.”

You wait for Rose to come back. She has to, since there is no other option. Vriska had told you something about death and quest beds and resurrection and god tiers, but you’re having trouble remembering exactly what she said right now. Rose will come back to life. You’ve done it twice, why can’t she?

You wait.

In the meantime, you busy yourself with keeping her wispy hair out of her face and tucked safely behind her ear. The hole in her stomach looks impossibly big to you, as if you’re in danger of falling into it and disappearing forever.

Tearing your eyes away from the wound takes more effort than you would have thought. You chose instead to stare at a spot between Rose’s eyebrows. If she’s going to wake up…

 _When_ she wakes up, the first thing you’re going to see is that familiar little crease form on her brow. It’s the little frown that always comes when she’s uncomfortable or upset. You have to look closely to see it though, since most of the time Rose tries to cover up her emotions like a hand knitted cozy over a laptop.

However, she’s not as good at feigning stoicism as she thinks she is. You’ve always been able to tell.

“Come on, Rose. Don’t keep me waiting.” You gently pat her cheek with two fingers. “You’re gonna wake up. You not gonna leave me here alone.”

You’re dead Dad is lying a few yards away. You dead friend is lying in your arms. This isn’t possible. The universe can’t be this cruel.

“Do- don’t…” You wipe at your eyes angrily. “Don’t leave me!”

You bury her in your chest because you can’t bear the thought of having to bury her anywhere else.

“John!”

You’re eyes snap open and you look down at the curve of Rose’s head, pressed against your collarbone.

“Rose?”

“No, John.  This is Kanaya.”

You’re so completely confused until you remember that you’re still wearing your glasses. Someone has called you.

“Who is this?” You adjust your glasses and push them further back onto your nose.

“It’s Kanaya. I already told you that, John.” The voice is calm and smooth. It makes you angry. How can anyone be _calm_ and _smooth_ at a time like this!

“Well what do you want?!” You snarl, holding onto Rose a fraction tighter.

“I’m here to help. You can still save Rose.”

You’re listening more closely now.

“How? What do it do?”

“You have to kiss her. That’s the quickest way to do it. There are others, but they’re a tad messier and a few of them are actually illegal. So, yes. You must kiss her.”

She’s rambling. You realize that Kanaya is nervous. About what? You have no idea, but you highly doubt she has any reasons to be upset that can hold a candle to your own.

“Really, that’s it? Are you trolling me right now Kanaya? This seems like a really shitty time to fuck around.”

“No I am being completely sincere. Once a player has died, another player can revive them if they kiss quickly enough. I would hurry up and do it though. I doubt she has much time left.”

Alright, just kiss her. That sounds easy enough.

You adjust your grip so that Rose is now situated at a better angle. A dribble of blood his leaked from between her black lips and you brush it away with your thumb.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

Her lips are cold against yours and you shiver involuntarily. Does anyone shiver voluntarily though? You don’t think there’s ever been a person who just straight up volunteered to shiver.

It’s not your first kiss and it certainly isn’t your best, but it could be a lot worse you suppose. You’re eyes are squeezed shut and you have one hand buried in her hair and another gripping her waist tight enough to bruise. You don’t care though, as long as this works.

“Ahem.”

Please let this work.

“Ah-Hem.”

Oh fuck, please, please work.

“AH- FUCKING-HEM!”

You pull away from Rose with an audible _smooch_ and tap your glasses.

“Kanaya?” You ask

“Are we quite done?” She sounds a little disgruntled. “I asked you to kiss her, not smother her into oblivion.”

“Oh, yeah.” You feel your face start to heat up despite yourself. “I- well I just… wanted to make sure it worked.”

“Hmmm.” Something about the way she hums makes you think that she doesn’t believe you.

“Honestly!” You defend yourself. “I’m not a necromorph or whatever! You told me to kiss her and I did!”

“I believe the term you’re searching for is ‘ _necrophiliac’_ and I completely understand.” Her voice is completely monotone.

“Whatever, so did it work?” As you ask, you search for Rose’s pulse again and find it.

She’s alive.

“Yes, of course it worked. It’s amazing that you’ve gotten this far in the session with such limited knowledge of the most mundane methods of resurrection.”

“Okay, seriously Kanaya is there a problem here?”

“What ever do you mean?”

“You’re being really snarky with me all of the sudden. Did I do something wrong?”

“No, I…” She takes a deep breath. “Forgive me, John. Today has been full of difficulties. Regardless, I should not take out my aggressions on you. It is… unprofessional of me.”

“Don’t sweat it. You’ve been a big help, Kanaya.” You lower Rose to the ground and stand up to stretch your back. You suddenly feel really exhausted. “So, what should I do next?”

“I recommend that you return to our base. Once you’re all back here, we can discuss the next step in our plans.”

“Alright.” You look down at Rose and then risk a glance towards your Dad. “Hey Kanaya.”

“Yes?”

“Do you… Do you think I can bring my Dad back?”

There’s a long pause. You try to breathe normally.

“John…” Another pause. “I’m sorry, but… he’s not a player and too much time has passed since…”

“Alright.” You wipe at your eyes again, albeit a little less angrily than before.

“I’m really sorry…”

“How long until I can move Rose?” You cut her off. You don’t want to talk about it anymore.

“She- Well, you can move her now if you like, but she probably won’t wake up for a few minutes. Her body needs time to recover, you see.”

“Okay. We’re on our way back now.” You hang up on Kanaya before she can say goodbye or apologize again.

You’re just stooping down to pick up Rose, when you notice a blinking light on the corner of the lens of you glasses. Someone has left you a message.

“Hey, John listen. As soon as you get this message…”

It’s Vriska. You listen to her message and decide to call her back while Rose recovers.

“Hello?” A voice answers on the third ring.

“Hey, Vriska! I just got your message and I…”

“OH FUCK NO! I CANNOT DO THIS! NO FUCKING WAY!”

“Karkat?” You check to make sure you called the right number. “Karkat, why are you on Vriska’s phone?”

“Ahhhhh shiiiiit.” Karkat exhales heavily. “John, before we proceed with anything can I ask you something? Frienemy to Frienemy?”

“Frienemy? What’s that? Is that another troll romance quadrant?”

“NO DIPSHIT. There are only four quadrants! Otherwise they wouldn’t be called _quad-_ rants!”

“Okay, jeez. Who cares?”

“A Frienemy is a friend and an enemy mixed together or something of the like. I thought it was a human word.”

“I’ve never heard it.” You admit.

“Well that’s what we are at this point, seeing as I don’t respect or like you enough to assign any other term to this rather forced and uncomfortable relationship.”

“For fuck’s sake, man. Weren’t you going to ask me something?”

“Right, back to this incredibly sad and horribly awkward matter at hand.” Karkat exhales again. “John, did you and Vriska actually like each other?”

You’re caught off guard.

“Well, I… what?”

“Just answer the question, John.”

“I… yeah, I like Vriska and she seems to like me. I think she’s nice and well…We’re Matesprits, right?”

“Yeah…” Karkat suddenly sounds as tired as you feel.

“I think that has to count for something, right?” You continue. “I mean, I don’t really understand troll romance all that well, but it seems like she kind of has a thing for me. Did you hear that message she sent me?”

“I heard it.”

“Well first off, you shouldn’t be snooping, Karkat. Haha.” Beside you, Rose starts to stir. “And secondly, why do you have Vriska’s phone? Where is…”

“SHUT UP, JOHN!” You wince as he suddenly shouts in your ear. “GIVE ME A SECOND TO MULL OVER MY OPTIONS HERE!”

“Okay… jeez.” You wait as Karkat mutters under his breath quietly. What’s everyone’s deal today?

You suppose that Kanaya must of have been telling the truth when she said that today had been difficult for them too. You wonder what the trolls have been up to while you were away.

“Listen, Karkat. Is everything okay on your end?” You prod.

“No, everything is most certainly _not_ okay!” He snaps. “We’ll talk about it later though. Don’t worry about Vriska. She is totally not dead.”

“Okay?”

“Speaking of dead, did you bring Rose back to life yet?”

“Oh yeah!” You glance down at your friend. She appears to be unconscious or at least asleep, but thankfully still alive. “Kanaya called and talked me through it. Everything is okay over here.”

“Good, at least one thing went right. Now John, get your ass back here ASAP, okay?”

“Alright. Hey, can you tell Vriska I said…”

Karkat hangs up on you. What an insensitive dick!

You look down at Rose. Her eye lids are fluttering and you watch as she twists her lips, muttering in her sleep. It isn’t safe here, standing on top of this spire in Jack Noir’s castle. He may have left, but for how long? You do not want to be here when he gets back.

You kneel down and very carefully take Rose into your arms. You don’t say goodbye to your Dad. You don’t want to.

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are once again Karkat Vantas. And it turns out that you have somehow surpassed the level of _done_ that you were previously and have now transcended to something else, something completely indescribable, but entirely _done._

Out of all the shit that’s happened today, this just has to be the icing on the cake. By taking Vriska’s headset and listening to her last message, you’ve all but condemned yourself to sleepless nights left to wallow in the terrible irony of it all.

“You didn’t tell him.” Says a terribly quiet voice from behind you.

It’s Terezi Pyrope. You’re former Matesprit and friend. The Law.

“No, of course I didn’t.” You aren’t yelling right now. In fact, it seems entirely likely that you won’t ever yell at her again. “I need John to be thinking straight if we have any chance of finishing this. If he’s alive, then so is Rose. They’ll come back here and all the humans will be together again. Everything… should work out in the end.”

Terezi just nods. It’s a rare day when you aren’t in the mood to yell and when Terezi isn’t in the mood to argue with everything you say. But then again, you’ve never had a day like this before. So you guess this day counts as rare.

“I’m going downstairs.” Terezi turns to leave. Her blood stained cane is clutched tightly in her fist.

“Hey.” You call after her and she stops. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.” She takes another step but you reach out and grab her free hand.

“Terezi, I need to know if you’re alright.”

She turns to face you and you are stunned by what you see. Her face is not streaked with cyan tears, her lower lip is not trembling, and her hand is firm in yours.

“Karkat.” She says. Her red glasses flash in the moonlight. “I’ve never been better.”

And as she slides from your grip and disappears down the stairs, you can’t help but disagree completely. You’ve never seen anyone more broken. No matter what Terezi says, she and Vriska were once friends and killing a friend never leaves you feeling _better._

Justice was served.

But then why does it feel as if no one won? Why does it feel like everyone lost? Maybe because you all did. Maybe because you don’t know what it feels like to win anymore? The bodies just keep piling up.

All you know is that when you look down at Vriska’s corpse, you feel nothing but guilt.

Some leader you were.

**END OF ACT ONE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Act One of this story or whatever. I don't know when this story turned into a sloppy rewrite of Homestuck, but I guess that's what it is now. I have a plan for where things are heading and hopefully you guys will be surprised and maybe happy?
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	10. ACT 2 - PART 1

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too.  A lot of shit that has been happening recently is too heavy. You need to chill out for a while.

Well… you’d _like_ to chill out for a while. The universe has other plans though, just like it always does. You’re frustrated with a lot of things right now, for example your desire to chill the fuck out and your inability to stop the pounding of your heart and the sick fire in your gut.

You wipe the sweat off your brow for like the billionth time in the last hour or so. You and Jade have been walking under the LOWAS sun, making your way back towards the troll’s base, and even though cool breezes tousle your hair every so often and the humidity is near non-existent, you’re still sweating like a bloated swine.

“Are you alright, Dave?” Jade asks, looking over her shoulder. “You don’t look too good.”

“Oh yeah, you know me.” You respond. “I’m about as alright as it gets. I’m the king of alright and this is my kingdom. I hope you like being alright, because that’s all anyone feels in Alrightsire.”

“HAHA!” Jade snorts. “Is _Alrightsire_ the name of your kingdom?”

“You bet your fine ass it is.”

“Nice!” She grins at you. “But seriously Dave, if you feel like stopping for second, just let me know. I’d hate for you to have a heat stroke on me!”

“A _heat_ stroke. Really, Harley? I think you forgot who you were talking to.” You jab two thumbs into your chest. “I’m Dave Fucking Strider and I’m…”

“The king of cool, lord coolio, cooltechGodhead? Yeah I know who you are, Dave. Haha.” She’s still smiling although her voice has a little bit more force to it. “Tell me if you want to rest though.”

You don’t jab at her with another metaphoric masterpiece, but instead brush her off with a wave of your hand. There’s no way in LOHAC that you’re going to be the one to bitch out and ask for a break. Something in your head, probably the logical part, is telling you that you’re being illogical. That just makes you all the more frustrated. It literally feels like something is burning you up from the inside. Could it be…

“Maybe by the time we get there, John and Rose will already be back!”

Oh yeah, it’s guilt. Thanks, Jade…

You should tell her what happened. You should tell her that you ran away from a fight and didn’t question John’s order to retreat. You should tell her that you’re afraid.

But you won’t. Bro always taught you that a true badass can process his emotions and deal with them efficiently. You’d never really understood how to go about doing it though. Controlling your emotions sounds a whole lot easier than it actually is.

Then again you don’t really know how much of your Bro’s teachings you can trust anymore. Not after everything he’s done. You risk a glance at Jade’s wounded hand, swinging gracefully by her side. The bandages have soaked though with blood and are now stained a dull red.

“After the golden ship crashed.” You say. “I ran to find you and John went ahead into the castle. As far as I know he’s still there.”

She stops and looks at you with the most confused and startled face you’ve ever seen.

“What?” Jade blinks at you. “Dave, what are you talking about?”

“I abandoned John and Rose!” You clench your fists and shout at her. “That’s what happened, Jade. That’s a thing that _I_ did!”

Jade appears to be utterly flabbergasted. Her mouth opens and closes several times, before it shuts for good.

“No.” She crosses her arms.

You’ve both come to a stop and standing idly underneath the sun makes you feel hotter than ever.

“What the hell do you mean ‘ _no’_?”

“I mean _no_ , that’s not what happened. You didn’t abandon anyone, Dave.”

“I don’t know what happy fantasy land you’re currently imagining, but it sounds pretty sweet and if you’re selling them, I’d happily buy a one way ticket.”

“You didn’t abandon anybody!” She stamps her foot and you fight off the smirk that tugs at your lips.

She’s too fucking cute. If Beanie Babies had the ability to buy stuffed animals, they would all have a little Jade Harley plushy tucked away between their bed pillows.

“Yeah I did. John and Rose…”

“John and Rose can take care of themselves.” Her maimed hand gets waved in your face. “But I can’t! That’s what you did; you chose to take care of my sorry, worthless ass!”

“You aren’t worthless!” You’re quick to amend her. Now things are going too far. “You’re the complete opposite of that. You’re a veritable Swiss Army Knife in human form.”

“Oh please, I totally crashed that ship back there!”

“Because you were shot out of the damn sky! That could have happened to anyone one of us.”

“Yeah, Dave.” She bristles. “But it happened to me! Then you _had_ to come help me and I don’t blame you for that, not at all! What makes me mad is that you thought you had to lie to me!”

“Well you wouldn’t have come with me if you’d known John and Rose were still in danger.”

“Yeah, well... You! You SUCK!” She turns and starts to march away.

You heave a great sigh and trudge after her, keeping pace easily enough. Her chin is pointed so high it’s a wonder that she can even see anything in front of her. Something about the sun shining off her profile makes you sweat just a little bit more too.

“Was that an argument back there?” You ask. “Because honestly I’m a little confused by what just happened.”

“I’m just… I don’t know, Dave.” Jade slows to a stop and leans against a nearby rock. “I just need some time to think. I’m really feeling kind of pissy right now for some reason. Is it cool if we…”

You catch her before she reaches the ground. You’d never seen someone faint before and if it weren’t for your ninja-like reflexes, Jade probably would have ended up with a mouthful of dirt.

“Harley?” You lower her to the ground, careful to rest her in the shade of the blue rock. “Yo, Jade! Now isn’t the time for one of your narcoleptic spells. Wake up and smell the motor oil.”

“Fuuuuh.” Jade’s eyes flutter open, but her gaze remains unfocused. “I’m bleeding.” She says.

“What? Where?” You run your eyes over her body quickly. It’s not a bad view. Jade’s always been slim and tall, not to say she doesn’t have curves in all the right YOU’RE GETTING DISTRACTED STRIDER!!!

She raises her left hand and waves it feebly once more. It’s completely red and looks damp enough for you to probably wring it out like a wet sponge.

“Ah shit fuck.” You reach up and yank off your hood. Wow you should have done that way earlier, you’re a lot cooler this way. You’re not taking off the cape though, that thing is too sweet to be off your shoulders. “Here, let’s just wrap it up some more.”

You do your best to delicately wrap her hand with the hood and she whimpers quietly when you jostle it slightly.

“That’s not going to work.” She breathes. “Not for long.”

“Well it’s the best I’ve got for the moment. Any other suggestions?” You snap your fingers twice in front of her eyes when they start to drift shut again. “Come on, Harley. Stay with me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She blinks up at you sheepishly. “I’m just feeling super sleepy all the sudden.”

“Well you can’t sleep now.” You drag her arm around your shoulders and help her to her feet. “The troll’s base should just be a hop, skip, and jump away. You’ll gonna be fine.”

Jade doesn’t respond, unless leaning into you and humming a song that sounds eerily similar to something you’ve heard before in “Space Jam” counts as a response.

You scoff at that shitty film, another one of John’s attempts to educate you on the subject of incredibly poor cinematic endeavors. When the movie had finally ended, you’d felt older but no wiser and your love for Looney Toons was quickly eclipsed by your sympathy for Michael Jordan. Oh how the mighty shall fall…

You half-carry Jade down a rough path towards where you’re pretty sure you’ll salvation lies in wait. There are lots of oil puddles that you have to avoid, but other than that you’re biggest problem is trying to not breathe too heavily whilst struggling under Jade’s weight.

Have you mentioned how hot it is yet? It’s hot as dicks out here.

You start to wonder if John’s managed to save your ecto-sister by now, or if they’ve both suffered some terribly cruel and most likely painful death. Obviously you’re silently praying for the former, but you’ve learned pretty recently that you shouldn’t get your hopes up.

Jade’s mumbling something.

“N-no.” She says quietly.

“Jade?” You bump her with your elbow.

“No… No, Bec that’s mine.”

You smirk. Jade’s muttering in her sleep. It would be adorable if she wasn’t dreaming about her dead dog.

You look down at her hand again, which is hanging limply by her side. It’s dripping droplets of blood and when you crane your neck to look behind you, you can see the trail of spots, like red bread crumbs you’re leaving behind in you wake.

Growing up on an exotic island, Jade’s always had a healthy tan. Right now she looks as pale as a ghost.

You’re mulling over you options, choosing between calling Karkat for help or plowing ahead yourself, when you feel something land on your head with a dull _splat._

“Da Fuk?” You pat at your hair and you feel something hot and sticky. For a second you’re worried that your body has sprung a leak too and that now you’re spewing your precious life blood out of the top of your head like some kind of land-whale, then you look up and see that it’s started to rain.

It’s started to rain oil.

“Fuck me, really?!” It almost seems too bad to be true. This literally has to be the _shittiest_ day ever.

The drops come down hard and fast, slapping against the ground hard enough to make you wince. You and Jade need to find shelter fast, before you’re both completely drenched in the heavy, flammable liquid.

“Leave it to John to have the worst land. Oil instead of water? What the fuck, dude?” You spot an alcove of blue rocks, looking a little unsteady but wonderfully dry, and shuffle over to it.

You flop Jade down onto the ground a little harder than you planned, but she barely seems to notice. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is labored. The hood you wrapped around her hand is doing a shit job of pretending to be a towel and is already sopping wet.

“I’m sorry, man. I hate to do this, but you know… desperate times.” If you weren’t a cool fucking dude, a single tear would probably run down your cheek as you quickly untie your cape and wrap it around Jade’s hand.

Oh well, that thing was sweet while it lasted. Maybe your sweet mega-super-ultra-god powers include the ability to regenerate capes? You certainly hope so.

You’re no doctor. All you know is that you should apply pressure to slow down the bleeding. So you sit on the hard ground and pull Jade’s hand into your lap, pressing your cape around her wound. Her breathing hitches for a second and you’re sure it’s because of the pain. You keep the pressure on anyways though, since she’s better hurting than dead.

“Well, Harley.” You sigh. “Remember that one time we were like ‘ _Hey let’s play a video game! What can possibly go wrong?’_ and then we played the fucking game? Yeah, those were good times.”

You lean against the far wall of the alcove and watch the black rain fall a couple of yards away from you. Right now you’re dry, safe, and with Jade. That’s what keeps you from truly descending into a depressed fit. You’re just starting to nod off when you get a phone call.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently under the impression that you are dead. This seems like a safe deduction to make, as the last thing you remember is being stabbed to death by Bec Noir.

However, there’s something about the surprising amount of warmth pressed against you and the feeling of wind blowing through your hair, which heavily implies otherwise. You’ve never associated death with warmth and wind before, and the possibility that you’ve shed you’re earthy ties and transcended to another realm seems unlikely, since your research on the topic has given you the impression that the underworld is anything but _warm_ and _windy._

Cold and drafty maybe, but it must certainly not be this comfortable. It’s almost as if you’re flying.

You open your eyes.

“Hey, Rose! Good, you’re finally awake.”

You look from John‘s grinning face, to his arms cradling you to his chest, and then to the ground far below.

Much to your displeasure, a shrill ‘ _eek’_ escapes from your lips and you throw you arms around John’s neck, pulling yourself closer to him. You are, in all actuality, fully alive and currently in the process of flying without any recognizable source of propulsion or lift.

“John…” You squeak, swallow and try again. “John, I see that you have fully recognized your role as the Heir of Breath.”

“Well it’s nice see you too.” He still smiling, and do you detect a hue of red coloring his cheeks?

“Ah, it appears that my ability to form coherent sentences has returned. Isn’t that a relief?”

“Yeah, it’s good to hear your real voice again, as opposed to whatever Klingon nonsense you were spouting earlier.”

There’s something about that statement that causes you to smile. You decide it’s the fact that after everything that has happened, John is still the same old John.

“It’s good to see death hasn’t changed you, John. You still make dated pop culture references every opportunity you get.”

“Star Trek is not dated.” He argues. “It’s timeless!”

“Of course, forgive me for not being appreciative of William Shatner’s precious attempts at acting.” He rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling. “Excuse me, John. But on an unrelated note, are you wearing my lipstick?”

Indeed, you’ve just noticed a distinct smudge of black across his mouth.

“What?” He asks, looking a little more than confused.

“You’re lips, John. They’re black.”

“Oooh. I must have got some of it on me when I kissed you.” He shrugs and you blink at him.

“When you kissed…” You echo quietly, then your brain kicks in. “Ah, I see. You kissed me in order to bring me back to life. Impressive, John. I had no idea that you’d taken the time to research some of the game’s mechanics.”

“Well actually it was Kanaya that told me about it.” He admits. You appreciate John’s honesty.

“I thank you anyways.” You risk removing a hand from John’s neck to pat him on the chest. “I would have remained dead if not for you actions. Therefore I appreciate it.”

“It’s no big deal.”

That’s John, innocently humble to a fault. You’ll have to thank Kanaya too next time you talk to her, which will hopefully be in person. Before you were kidnapped by the imps (an event that was not only life-threatening, but incredibly embarrassing) you spent a great amount of time conversing with Kanaya, coming up with plans and learning about your session.

Her professional attitude and pleasant demeanor were a good change of pace compared to other trolls you’ve had the misfortune of conversing with. You look forward to more interactions with the vampire fashion queen.

“I’m sorry, but would you mind bringing us down to ground level for a moment?” You ask. “I’d like to stretch my legs, please.”

“Oh, okay. No problem.” John looks a little reluctant to end your flight but descends nonetheless.

You touch down and John lets you stumble out of his grasp. You’re a little unsteady, but you feel a lot better with solid ground under your feet.

“I assume that we’re on a course to the troll’s base?” You ask as you brush the wrinkles from your dress and fix your hair as best as you can, adjusting your headband.

“Yeah, Karkat told us to head there.” John finally wipes your lipstick from his mouth. “So, uh… you remember everything that happened after I found you in that castle?”

It’s a bit of a random question, certainly unexpected but not really odd enough to ward you away from answering truthfully.

“Yes, I remember.” He looks nervous, but you press on. “I’m sorry about your dad, John.”

He nods.

“So, what happened when you were kidnapped? Were you hurt?”

It’s a pretty sloppy way to change the subject, but you decide to let John get away with it, for now at least. Eventually he’ll have to talk about what he saw on that spire. You resolve to be there when he’s ready.

You proceed to tell John the details about your kidnapping by the imps and overview of your exposure to the Horrorterrors.

“I managed to escape however, through pure force of will.” You explain. “But the damage was already done. I was, as you said, _Grimdark_.”

“When I woke up, you were back to normal. So I guess dying is the cure to stubborn throes, huh?” He chuckles. “What was wrong with Jack Noir, by the way? I didn’t know he was part wolf.”

“I also found that to be troubling. When I was first brought before him, he did not have that appearance. It’s my belief that underwent some sort of drastic transformation via dark magic to increase his power, whilst I was fighting for my life in the Horrorterror pit.”

“Hmmmm.” Something about the way he hums gives you the impression that he doesn’t really understand. “I feel like I should apologize for that.”

“For what?”

“Well, you were kind of being tortured by eldritch monsters while I was just wasting time. It took us a long time to get to you and I guess I’m sorry.”

You watch John absent mindedly kick at a few loose rocks sprinkled over the ground. He’s probably the only person in the entire world who’d feel bad for something out of his control. Even after busting into a castle, dealing with you in your Grimdark state, seeing his dead father, fighting by your side, and then dying, he feels like he _owes_ you something.

“You came for me, John. No one else was there, but you.” You wish he’d look at you. “I know that you came as soon as you could. You saved my life and I am in your debt.”

“I don’t know.” Before you can react, he’s stepped up and wrapped you in his arms. “I’m just really glad that you’re okay, Rose.”

You smile and hug him back.

“And vice versa.”

His nose is buried in your hair, so you have to listen closely to what he says next.

“We’ll find your Mom, Jade’s Grandpa, and everyone else. No one else is going to die. I promise you that.”

“I’m afraid that, with everything that has already happened and all that will come to pass, you might find that a hard promise to keep.”

“I gotta set the bar high, right?”

“Yes,” You close your eyes and listen to John’s heart beat inches away from your own. “I suppose so.”

You don’t know for sure, but if it weren’t for the sudden arrival of motor oil-rain, you’re pretty sure that you and John would have stayed there forever.

“Damn!” John takes a glob of oil straight in the face when he looks up and you suppress a laugh.

“I think that finding shelter should be our next priority. I doubt flying would be much of an enjoyable experience in this…” You halt your speech to dodge out of the way of another black bullet, whisking your dress out of harm’s way at the last second. John get’s the gist of what you were trying to say though.

“Agreed. There’s actually a salamander village nearby. Those guys are awesome, I’m sure they’ll let us wait out the storm there.”

John grabs your hand and the pair of you jog down a dirt path that you hadn’t noticed until now. You suppose that it would make sense that John would be more familiar with his own land than you, but still it irks you that you’re not being very observant at the moment.

You need to get focused. Right now it feels like your head is full of cotton. If you and your friends have any chance of beating this thing, you need to be at the peak of your game.

You head into the village and you aren’t surprised that there are none of the yellow salamanders milling around outside. They’re most likely seeking shelter such as you.

John leads you towards one house and throws the door open without so much as a knock. You see a hallway leading towards a kitchen and a living room off to the side where several salamanders, a family you suppose, are sitting in several armchairs. You notice that they have left the couch vacant.

The salamanders seem to not only know John; they appear to be terrified him. They’re blabbering to each other loudly and as soon as they catch sight of you, they all but lose control.

“Hello.” You wave and the entire salamander family jumps up and dashes from the house and into the rain.

“See, I told you they were really nice!” John moves towards the couch, but seems to think better of it and takes one of the now empty chairs.

“They appear to have recognized you.” You move towards the wall, examining a messily drawn piece of salamander art. It looks like a monkey having intercourse with a coconut, but you decide to not judge the salamanders and their choice in décor.

“Well I’ve…” He scratches at a spot on the chair’s armrest. “I’ve… been through here before.”

“Recently?” He nods and you take the chair nearest your friend, turning to face him. “With Vriska?”

“Yeah.” He blushes and continues talking quickly. “You were wrong about her by the way, Vriska’s actually really cool. She helped me get to god tier.”

“That’s quite an accomplishment too, although I can’t help but wonder what part she played in your rise to such high a level.”

You notice several things as John chooses his next words. He’s scratching at the arm rest again, he’s biting his lower lip subtly, and his gaze points down and away, in short: he’s about to lie.

“She just… told me what to do and stuff. Nothing overly violent or underhanded in the least.” He chuckles and you frown.

“John, look at me.” It takes a second before blue irises meet violet. “I can’t help but think that Vriska did the exact opposite of what you’ve just said. From what I’ve heard about her, she’s more than capable of violence and deceit.”

“You haven’t even met her yet.”

“Did she kill you?”

He looks away and you watch his knuckles whiten on the armrests. You really hope he doesn’t break any of the furniture, since you’re sure all the salamanders made them by hand.

“I think...” He stands up. “I’m going to take a walk, okay?”

You watch him, but he doesn’t move.

“Don’t go far.” You say and only then does he walk out of the house and back into the rain.

You take a deep breath and rest your chin on your palm. Sometimes the truth hurts, but how else is John going to learn that you have his best interests at heart, that Vriska is indeed a bad influence on him. She’s dangerous, hot headed, and psychotic, at least that’s what Kanaya said.

“ _What are you doing, Rose?”_

You shiver even though it isn’t cold.

_“You think he appreciates having his brain picked apart all the time? You’re not a friend, Rose. That’s not how you treat friends.”_

“Is that so?” You grimace. “And I take it that you are a paragon of friendship?”

_“Of course, we’ll always be here for you, Rose.”_

“How wonderful. I’ve always wanted demonic voices to plague my mind every waking moment of my short, miserable…”

Someone is calling you.

You tap a finger against your headband and the tiny screen mounted to the side flicks out, positioning itself over your left eye.

“Hello.” You answer.

“Rose?!” A voice replies.

“Dave?” You respond.

“Karkat!” A third voice calls. “Now that the introductions are out of the way, we can get down to brass tacks. This call is not about which one of us can manage to be the heftiest sack of shame globes to one another. It is not about which one of us will most likely escort the other _‘to school’_ where they will receive a large helping of _‘oh snap’_ rammed down their insatiable ignorant shafts. It’s about an important topic which needs to be discussed before any one of us progress on anymore terribly sloppy quests.”

You roll your eyes towards the heavens and silently curse your luck. This is not the first troll you wanted to converse with upon your escape from Bec Noir’s castle.

“I’m sorry, Karkles.” You can hear Dave’s ignorant smirk over the airwaves. “As soon as you started talking, I just tuned you out. It was just a bunch of _bluh bluh bluh’s_. It’s like Charlie Browns teacher decided to drop me a line for no apparent reason.”

“I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING HUMAN BABIES!!!”

“I believe what Karkat is trying to say, is that we’ve just been though quite an ordeal and would like to discuss a rather pressing issue as painlessly as possible.” It’s a fourth infinitely smoother and more attractive voice now.

“Kanaya.” You don’t fight your smile. “It’s wonderful to hear from you again. However, I’m troubled to hear that you’ve been dealing with some issues of your own.”

“Hello, Rose. I appreciate your concern, but everything is resolved. Well, almost everything.”

“Wow, will you two get a damn room already? Since when did this become _‘Inter-species Relations: The Unabridged Audio Drama’_?”

You roll your eyes again, but your heart isn’t in it this time. You’ve honestly missed your ecto-brother a lot.

“I believe you started this rather unintentional meeting of the hormones when you started courting… forgive me, I believe her name is Terezi?” You rebuke.

You hear a harsh wheezing noise, which you guess is someone breathing heavily and resisting the urge to lose control. That must be Karkat.

“Ah yes, that fine piece of Alternian ass is still on my hit list, but you’re mistaken in thinking that I started anything. Egbert’s the one dancing the horizontal nudie waltz with Vriska.” Dave says.

“What!” You shriek.

John would never… He couldn’t… You need to collect yourself.

 “I mean, what are you talking about, David?”

“One: Don’t ever call me fucking _David_. And two: John totally had an intense bone session with Vriska ages ago, when you were busy playing damsel in distress.”

“Kanaya?” You snap rather too quickly for your taste.

“Yes?” She responds instantly.

“Is this true?”

“Well… I doubt it’s as revolting as Dave makes it out to be, but yes. John and Vriska are confirmed Matesprits.”

“WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEXT TOPIC, IF YALL WILL STOP WITH ALL OF THIS DRAMATIC JIBBER JAB FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND!” Karkat’s had enough.

You decide to shelve the issue of John’s sex life for the time being, in favor of more pressing and less disturbing matters. The thought of John with anyone… you mean _Vriska_ , just makes you feel… ill.

“I agree. This is a rather important matter that should be resolved quickly.” Kanaya reminds all of you.

“Alright, good.” You hear Karkat take several deep breaths. “Strider! Where the fuck is Jade?”

“Right here in my arms, Karkles. Why do you ask?”

“I phoned her too, why didn’t she answer? Oh, and fuck you. Stop calling me _‘Karkles’_.”

“She’s unconscious from blood loss and she also left her ear muffs at your lame ass base. Oh, and fuck you too. Your name is Karkles now and forever.”

Jade is unconscious from blood loss? That’s news to you.

“What happened to Jade?” You ask.

“IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” Karkat roars before Dave can answer. “WE ARE GETTING OFF TOPIC! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT VRISKA BEING DEAD AS ALL FUCK AND WHETHER OR NOT JOHN SHOULD KNOW!”

You swear that your heart stops beating.

“No.”

“YES!!!” Karkat’s on a roll now he isn’t about to stop. “She went crazy after John ditched her for you, and then she killed two of our own. Terezi killed her and now Vriska’s slowly rotting on the roof because no one has gone up to bury her in a shallow grave yet!”

Both Dave and Kanaya are silent. All you can hear is Karkat’s grating voice and the pounding of the rain outside. Somewhere out there is John, alone because you prodded a little too deep and reminded him that his relationship with his first real girlfriend was based on lies and murder and an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.

You wish Karkat would stop talking, but he doesn’t.

“I vote.” He takes his first breath for a long time. “That we don’t tell John, at least not for a while. He just lost his dad and I don’t know how much more we can pile on him before he snaps in half.”

“John’s Dad is dead?” Dave echoes so quietly that you almost think you imagined it. The conversation doesn’t stop though.

“I also think that we should proceed with caution here.” Kanaya inputs. “John shouldn’t know until the time is right.”

“Naw, that’s bullshit.” Dave interjects louder this time. “I would want to know if my hot alien girlfriend died and I know that John would want to know too. If he doesn’t find out from us, then how will he find out? It will be a lot more fucked up if he finds out on his own.”

“What do you think, Rose?” Kanaya asks tentatively.

What do you think? For the first time in your life, you’re struggling for something to say. There doesn’t seem to be a right answer to this problem, no matter what you say or do, John is going to get hurt. What does it matter if it’s right now or a few hours down the road?

“I think…” You squeeze the bridge of your nose between your fingers. “I think that John deserves to know. Preferably sooner rather than later.”

“It looks like it’s an even tie then!” Karkat groans. “Why can’t anything ever be easy?”

“I don’t know what the fuck you’ve been smoking, buddy, but it must be some radical shit if you think this vote is anywhere close to a _tie_.” Dave sounds a little upset. “No offense Kanaya, but you and Douchebag McGee have absolutely no say in what _our_ friend deserves to know or not. Especially is said knowledge directly concerns him.”

“Listen you insufferable prick! Vriska was one of ours and we withhold the right to disclose information on her life/death status!”

“You didn’t even like her!”

“THAT DOESN’T MATTER!”

“Yeah it does!”

“NO IT DOESN’T!”

“SHUT UP!” You’re standing up now, pacing the room furiously. “I’m putting an end to this ridiculous bickering right now!”

Dave goes silent while Karkat’s grumbles eventually fade into white noise.

“Alright,” You continue. “Seeing as I’m currently with John, I will be the one to tell him about Vriska when I deem it appropriate. Does anyone have a problem with that? Speak up if you do, not that it would matter, since I’m going to tell him anyways.”

No one speaks.

“If you think that’s for the best, then by all means.” Kanaya breaks the silence.

Dave also hums his approval.

“Well then, now that that’s out of the way, you will all come back to the base as soon as possible.” Karkat says.

“No.” You’re sill pacing. “John and I are going to get The Tumor and then use it to destroy The Green Sun. Dave will deliver Jade to the troll’s base for treatment, before continuing on to initiate The Scratch.”

There’s a moment of silence, then:

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, ROSE LALONDE!!! YOU CAN’T DISPENSE ORDERS LIKE THAT!”

“Well, Karkat. It seems like I just did.” You snap.

“Well fuck me then… just, FINE FUCKING FINE!” Karkat seems confused about how he should act. “I’M DONE BEING LEADER ANYWAYS! I’M SO FUCKING _DONE_!”

You hear a soft beep and assume that Karkat has exited the call. However you can still hear some muted shouts from Kanaya’s end, giving you the impression that somewhere out there Karkat is still ranting.

“Promise that you will be careful, Rose.” Kanaya’s smooth tones ring in your ear. “We cannot risk you’re capture again.”

“I’ll be fine. John is with me.”

“Hmmmm. Well in that case, until we talk again, goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Kanaya.”

She hangs up too, leaving both you and Dave.

“Well, Lalonde.” You hear a crackling sound and you assume Dave’s just cracked his neck. “This has been a regular blast, but it seems like you have an incredibly awkward and painful talk to have with my best Bro. So good luck, I guess.”

“Thank you. Take care of Jade as well.”

“No problem. Strider, out!”

He leaves you alone as well.

You have to tell John. You just have to. He deserves to know.

You’ve already hurt him once tonight by taking him to see his dad. What’s one more broken heart? You can do this. It has to be you. You’re his best friend.

_“Oh yes, Rose. You’ve done such a good job of being his friend before, why stop now?”_

You sigh and stand up. You’re going to tell John.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

You throw open the front door and step out into the rain.

* * *

=> Be Bec Noir

You are now Bec Noir.

You are now a douche.

So, you honestly hadn’t expected the human girl to be capable of fighting off the Horrorterrors. That had thrown you for a loop. It hadn’t had any lasting percussions though, since you had ended up killing her anyway.

The real mistake was killing the Heir, which you sort of fucked up.

You had this whole scheme where you kidnapped their guardians, killed his father, tortured his friend, and finally goaded him into a fight where he would die by your hand. However you hadn’t planned on him already being at God Tier level and dying like a chump bitch.

That’s probably your fault though, seeing as you did stab him in the back.

No matter though, so your plans are a little delayed, so what? You’ll still win in the end.

You look down at your minions. Only a handful of imps remain, along with the brother, and a new addition to your evil crew, a rather pleasant addition if you don’t say so yourself.

What a wonderful surprise it had been for you to bump into the troll, Eridan Ampora, whilst heading towards your second castle in LOLAR. You had been slowly corrupting this troll over an extended period of time, talking to him through his headset and feeding him some bullshit about wizards or whatever.

You’re tutelage has finally paid off though.

You’re currently sitting in your second throne room, in your second castle in LOLAR. Eridan is telling you some useful information, information that he has withheld from you up to this point.

“It’s a secret base,” The troll says. “There’s a blue boulder, you push it out of the way and then you’re in. I’ll draw you a map.”

You nod and send the imps for some drawing supplies. You’ll send the brother to dispatch the rest of the worthless trolls and discover the human’s plans. It also might be a good idea to send Eridan to protect The Green Sun, the source of your power, since the human’s most likely want it gone.

You allow yourself a rare and super fucking evil smile. It feels good to have all your plans laid before you and ready to go. Things have hit a snag, but now they’re starting to look up.

You decide to celebrate.

You tell the imps to bring you the grandfather.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here we go, some more John and Rose interaction. I've always liked theior pesterlogs and such where they interacted in Homestuck and if I'm being honest, Grimdorks is kind of my OTP.
> 
> For those who comment: What's your OTP?
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- MIke


	11. ACT 2 - PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to OBVOS for commenting.

=> Be Kanaya Maryam

You are Kanaya Maryam. You would think that as second in command of the trolls, you would be given more important, elegant tasks than scrubbing the computer room floor.

You kneel down and drag your rag across the ground again, soaking up some more of the rust-colored blood. What a terrible mess! You were forced to change out of your wonderful battle-dress and into these dreadful work clothes.

“Yellow rubber gloves.” You grumble under your breath. “You have got to be joking.”

As far as you know, Karkat and Terezi are outside, struggling to bury four of your friends. Tavros, Sollux, Vriska, and Feferi are all dead. You remember seeing all of them the other day, talking and laughing and arguing with each other. They were alive and now they’re not.

You squeeze out some more of Tavros’s blood into the cleaning box. You dampen your rag and continue to scrub.

Karkat found Feferi outside of Eridan’s room, discarded like a limp doll and a hole burned straight through her chest. It doesn’t take much guess work to figure out what had happened. That Eridan had killed Feferi with his stupid wand and escaped on the last rocket car.

How he got pass Sollux and Equius, who were in the hangar, is the real question. Although, you’ll have to wait until Equius wakes up to get more answers.

You had always considered Eridan a bit of a creep. A well-dressed creep, but still a creep. Regardless, you would never have thought him capable of murder.

It’s a rather startling thought to realize that you’ve been living amongst murderers.

Eridan, Vriska, and the clown: Gamzee.

You squeeze your rag again, a little harder than usual.

He’d cracked you over the head with his club and killed you. Right now he’s taking a comfortable nap in his room with the promise of a pleasant snack when he wakes up. That doesn’t seem very fair to you. You doubt it would sound fair to anyone with half of a brain.

You feel the subtle weight of your lipstick tube, nestled safely in your pocket. For a brief moment, you entertain yourself with the idea of giving Gamzee a little visit. It would be quick, you would be back in no time and nobody would find out until it was far too late.

A small voice in your brain reminds you that Karkat would be upset if you killed his friend, no matter how much of a lunatic that friend was.

“What’s that human saying?” You wonder, standing up and pulling off the ridiculous rubber glove.” Ask for forgiveness not permission.”

Yet even as you make your way towards the door, you’re torn between doing the right thing and doing what you feel is right. You wonder if you should call Rose and explain to her your dilemma. In the time that you’ve known the human girl, she’s proven to be nothing but helpful.

You disregard that thought quickly though, she’s probably busy dealing with John and the loss of his adult male guardian. It’s easy for you to relate to John, as the loss of your own lusus is still fresh within your mind. You wish that you could have spoken to him longer and maybe given him some comfort, but you know that isn’t your place. Rose will take care of John.

The matter at hand, though, is not so clean cut. You are less sure about what your ‘ _place’_ is in this particular scenario. Gamzee killed you, therefore you deserve retribution. Karkat wants Gamzee alive and as leader you should listen to him.

You’re in the hallway now, steadily walking towards Gamzee’s room. If you do this, what will you become? A hero of justice, like Terezi or a merciless killer, like Vriska. Or maybe you’ll just be a psycho, like Gamzee himself.

The entrance to his room is right in front of you now. There’s a messily drawn picture on the door, a clown face in purple marker. You grimace at the artwork. You’ve never understood Gamzee fascination with the terrifying human entertainers.

Without pausing to think, you grab the handle and fling the door open to find…

That someone has already beaten you to the punch.

Gamzee’s bed sheets are a twisted mass of dark purple, which is dripping steadily to the floor and creating dark puddles in the carpet. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that Gamzee has been murdered in his sleep by someone with the same mindset as you.

You step backwards and quietly shut the door, as if you’re afraid to risk waking the room’s deceased inhabitant.  You don’t check to see if a kiss will revive him for a number of reasons:

1\. You’re glad he’s dead.

2\. You’ve never like him all the much anyways.

3\. You wouldn’t even kiss Gamzee to save your own life, let alone his.

Now that Gamzee is dead, you have another choice to make: Do you tell Karkat or do you let someone else be the bearer of bad news? Regardless of what choice you make, you should get away from the scene of the crime before someone spots you.

You understand how this would look, you outside a dead Gamzee’s door, with malice in your heart and revenge on the brain. You’re not about to be accused by a crime you didn’t commit, no matter how much you wanted to commit said crime in the first place.

You turn around and nearly pee your skirt when you come face to face with Nepeta Leijon. Well, face to face is actually a misnomer, since Nepeta is about a foot shorter than you.

“What are you doing, Kanaya?” She asks, gazing up at you with her big almond eyes.

She looks pretty cute in her oversized green coat and blue kitty hat. If only you could get her to take off that silly fake tail…

“Hello, Nepeta. I was just coming to check on Gamzee.” You reply coolly. “Apparently someone has taken it upon themselves to carry out their own form of justice.”

You decide to tell her to truth. Now that you’ve been caught, honesty is the best policy.

“What do mew mean?” She tries to step around you, but you block her.

“Gamzee is dead, Nepeta. Someone killed him.” You don’t want her to see the bloodbath. You’ve always seen Nepeta as a little crazy, but she’s really a child at heart.

“What!” She steps away from the door, eyeing it warily. “How is this pawsible?”

“I don’t know, we’ll figure that out later. Right now we need to tell Karkat.”

“But then Karkitty will be sad!”

“Yes, he will be. However, he still deserves to know.” You grab her arm and start steering her towards the computer room.

“Oh wait, Kanaya! In all of this excitement, I furgot to tell you that Equius is awake.”

“Really? Well that’s good news. Maybe he can shed some light on some recent events?”

“Maybe!” Nepeta sings and skips along next to you.

The pair of you head through the computer room and down the stairs, out of the base and into the LOWAS sun. Karkat and Terezi are just finishing burying your friends when you reach them. The four graves are evenly spaced apart in the shade of one of the many large, blue boulders.  You hope that there’s room for a fifth.

“Karkat.” You stand at attention with your hands behind your back, perfectly poised to deliver a report to your leader.

Karkat leans against his shovel, breathing heavily and sweating profusely in his sweater. Terezi is sitting nearby, looking impassively towards the distance. You’re worried about them both.

“What is it, Kanaya?” He sounds tired. He probably is.

“A couple of things,” You take a deep breath. “Equius has woken up and Gamzee is dead.”

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. Assembled before you are five trolls, four of them are your only friends left in the entire universe, and one is a murder.

“NOW WHERE DO I BEGIN!?” You’re yelling again. That’s a good sign, right? It means everything is back to normal. “OH! I know. Whoever killed Gamzee, please step forward…. NOW!”

No one moves.

You glare down at them from your position, standing atop your desk.

Five trolls. Five suspects.

There’s Kanaya, your first mate and close friend. She was murdered by Gamzee, maybe she thought some old fashion revenge was in order? You told Kanaya not to kill Gamzee though, and she doesn’t seem like the type of troll to go rouge.

There’s Terezi, your former Matesprit and self-proclaimed enforcer of all things law. She may have thought that Gamzee deserved to die for his crimes. However, she was outside with you all day burying corpses. Is it possible that she could have slipped away when you weren’t looking? It seems unlikely but you never know with that blind troll bitch.

It’s the same case with Equius. Supposedly he’s been unconscious for hours, meaning he couldn’t have possibly killed Gamzee. Unless he had been faking his comatose state, waiting until no one was watching so he could sneak in a quick homicide. That seems pretty unlikely, though.

Nepeta is next. That crazy fucking cat girl is almost as unpredictable as Terezi. With those razor sharp claws it would have been easy for her to rip out Gamzee’s throat while he slept. Her motivations seem hazy at best, though. Why would she want to kill Gamzee when it was Vriska that attacked her? Vriska already received her comeuppance anyways.

That leaves Aradia. She had seemed pretty upset to hear of Sollux’s death at the hands of Gamzee. Did she care enough to kill someone out of revenge? Did she even care about anything at this point?

This is really the last thing you need right now. When Equius had woken up, he had confirmed everyone’s suspicious that Eridan had drawn first blood with Feferi and then escaped via the hangar. In the span of a few hours there was betrayal, murder, resurrection, more murder, and finally some more betrayal.

You want to be done with everything, but it seems that you keep getting dragged back into the slime pile. You don’t have time to head an investigation, you need time to mourn and make plans with the humans. You have to prepare for Dave and Jade’s arrival and Rose’s plan for her and John to destroy the green sun. You need your friends to be united right now.

The only problem is you’re not sure who your friends are anymore. You’re not really sure who you can trust.

“Look,” You cross you arms and shoot more glares at the assembled crowd. “I’m not angry, alright? I just need to know who killed Gamzee so that we can put all of this to rest once and for all. So just fess up and face the music, whoever you are.”

Terezi is leaning on her cane, looking up at you with only partial interest. Kanaya is politely listening to every word, sitting in a chair with her hands folded delicately in her lap. Nepeta is looking at you with those wide eyes. Equius is standing off to the side, holding an icepack against his head. And finally, Aradia is standing near the back, arms folded, head down, possibly asleep. You zero in on her.

“ARADIA!” You bark. “Where were you thirty minutes ago?”

She raises her head slowly to look at you. Her eyes are red and her lip is tugging up in a subtle snarl.

“I was in my room, _fearless leader,_ doing some light reading.” She smirks at you and you feel your blood boil.

“Is that so? Do you have anyone that can verify your whereabouts?”

“No.”

“Well then!” You jab a finger at her. “Until further notice you are now prime suspect number one, or something!”

“Whatever.” She spits and turns to leave.

You leap from your desk, causing Nepeta to squeal in surprise, and grab Aradia by the shoulder. Instantly she whirls around and break’s your grip with a swing of her hand. The next thing you know, you’re on the ground and her boot is pressing down on your windpipe.

“Listen closely, asshole.” She spits and out of the corner of your eye, you can see Terezi and the other trolls advancing on Aradia. “I didn’t kill your fucking friend, no matter how much I wanted to. I’m as much of a murderer as much as you are a good leader. So from now on, just leave me the hell alone.”

“Aradia,” It’s Equius’s deep voice that you hear. “Just get off of Karkat, okay? We can work this out.”

You struggle to twist your neck and see that all of your friends have weapons drawn and eyes fixed on Aradia. Nepeta in particular looks especially venomous.

Aradia steps off of you and you scramble to your feet, joining the rest of your friends. The five of you stand there, watching Aradia. She just stares back.

“Oh, I see.” She clenches her fists at her side. “I see how it is. All of you are against me now, huh?”

“No one is against you.” Kanaya placates, lowering her chainsaw. “You have been declared a suspect, nothing more. We are simply trying to figure things out.”

“Really, Kanaya?” No one is advancing on her anymore, but Aradia still seems flustered. “Well what about you? Shouldn’t you be a prime suspect as well, considering what Gamzee did to you? I bet you wanted revenge. I bet you crept into his room and hacked him to death with your fancy lipstick o’ death.”

Kanaya seems a little taken aback. You had already considered this scenario of course. You were planning on cornering Kanaya next.

“I deny such accusations.” Kanaya holds her chin high. “Karkat orders were to not harm Gamzee and I respect my leader’s commands.”

“What about when he told you to watch over Rose?” Aradia snaps. “You sure did a good job of that, huh? That dumb human girl was snatched right out from under your nose!”

You watch Kanaya’s hair bristle and her skin start to glow eerily. Uh oh. You need to put an end to this quickly.

“You have no room to speak of negligence.” Kanaya retorts. “You were tending to Jade when she went missing as well.”

“Oh forgive me for leaving one human in the presence of eleven trolls and expecting her to be incapable of waltzing out of here undetected!”

“ALRIGHT, THAT’S ENOUGH!” You speak when you see Kanaya take one step forward. “We’re all a little hotheaded at the moment. Maybe I was a little too hasty to start throwing around accusations like that, but seriously no one is leaving this room until we figure out…”

You’re interrupted as the ceiling above your head explodes with a shower of dust.

Equius’s strong arms wrap around your middle and pull you backwards, just before a large rock creates a crater in the ground where you were just standing.

As the dust settles six pairs of eyes look up and watch as a man jumps though the hole in the roof and lands in a crouch on the floor. At first you think that it’s Strider making a grand entrance, like a total douchebag, but then you notice that Jade is not with him. This man is also taller and older looking, with pointy shades and a black cap atop his head.

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?” You push away from Equius and start towards the mystery man.

Several things happen at once, the man lunges towards you, someone screams, there’s a flash of silver, and then you’re on the ground.

Something soft, warm, and familiar is pressing down on you and you realize after a second that it’s Terezi. You can’t see anything but the fabric of her shirt, but you can still hear a lot of things. Kanaya’s chainsaw revving up, the crack of a whip, and an eerie whistling sound as a blade slices through the air.

Thin, but strong fingers wrap around your forearm and drag you to your feet.

“Move your ass, Karkles!” Terezi’s dragging you towards the stairs and you stumble stupidly after her.

“Who is that guy?!” You gasp as the two of you quickly descend down the steps, heading towards the exit.

“Dave’s brother.” She answers simply and the two of you shove the boulder out of the way, exiting your not so secret base.

It’s pouring down black oil rain and you can barely see Terezi through the down pour.

“Why is he here? Why is he attacking us? And what about the others, we need to go back for them!” You try to head back into the base, but Terezi grabs you by the collar and throws you back onto your ass.

“You’re staying here.” She draws her cane-sword. “I’m going back in.”

“NO! Terezi, you can’t go in alone.” You pull out your scythes.

“I can’t risk you getting…” She begins, but is interrupted just like you were when Nepeta, Kanaya, Aradia, and finally Equius come sprinting down the stairs.

“Run you fucking idiots!” Nepeta shrieks and darts away down the hill. Her cute, little, cat voice is gone, replaced with fear.

“What happed? How did you escape?!” You question Kanaya as Equius shoves the boulder back over the hole.

“Equius pinned him under a desk. It won’t hold him for long though, we should abscond while we have the chance.” Kanaya really doesn’t need to tell you twice, but she grabs your arm anyways, dragging you forward.

You’re really starting to get sick of being manhandled like this.

You follow Kanaya and the rest of your motley crew away from your home. You cast a look over your shoulder, towards the old base. You won’t ever come back here again, you can already tell that much.

You see Dave’s Brother shoving the boulder out of the way and staring after you. Even behind his dark shades, you can feel his gaze burning into you.

Will he give chase? Will he hunt all of you down and kill you? You don’t know, but you face forward, dig in your heels, and race along with your friends.

You make a promise to never again wonder if things can get any worse, because the truth is, they always can.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you are currently standing outside of a salamander house in LOWAS, watching the black rain fall heavily around you.

This scene is very similar to an earlier one, where you stood outside of the very same house with a very different girl inside, albeit for different reasons.

“ _Why did you walk out like that?”_ You wonder.

After all Rose was just being her usual self, asking simple questions about your relationships and opinions. Even after her terrifying experiences whilst being held prisoner, Rose is still the same old Rose.

You suppose what upsets you the most is that, in a way, Rose was always right about Vriska. The troll girl had manipulated you every step of the way, killed you, and seduced you.

But then again, it’s not like you put up much of a fight in any of those aspects. Your whole life you’ve sort of taken the back seat on most things. Most of the time you’re acting as more of a follower than a friendleader, which is sort of ironic, you guess.

Vriska was only ever trying to help you, anyways. By sleeping with you, Vriska gave you your first Matesprit or girlfriend or whatever, and by killing you, Vriska brought you up to god tier.

Maybe the thing that draws you to Vriska the most is the fact that she _does_ take the lead on most things? It’s a whole lot easier that way, since you can’t hurt her feelings if you’re doing everything she wants to do. Save for that one time where you abandoned her to go save Rose.

“ _It was for her own good though.”_ You assure yourself. _“Even with her sweet robot arm, there was still a good chance that she could have gotten hurt.”_

You’re considering whether or not you should try calling her again, when you hear Rose shouting for you.

“John!” She’s standing just outside the front door. “John, where are you?”

For a second, you consider not answering. It seems like for the longest time, what drove you the most on your mission was to find Rose. However, now that you have her, you feel this unexplainable need to be alone for at least a little while.

“Over here,” You answer her, just like you always do. “I’m coming.”

You shuffle around the corner of the house, sloshing through the black rain and coming into Rose’s line of view. She’s shivering quite a lot, wrapping her arms around her torso and squinting though the storm.

“Ah, I’m impressed, John. You’ve mastered your wind powers quickly.”

You can’t help but smile at her compliments. You’ve been using your powers to create a buffer between yourself and the oil ever since you stepped foot outside. You’re pretty dry, except for your shoes. The black puddles on the ground appear to be beyond your control.

“Thanks. It’s not all that hard really, come here.” You hold your hand out and she takes it, stepping delicately out from under the porch.

You expand your little pocket of air to include her, insuring that she is also safe from the torrential downpour.

“Wow,” She rubs her arms once more. “It’s surprisingly warm.”

“Hmmm.” You hum absentmindedly and watch the gentle breeze pull at hem of her dress.

You can immediately tell that something is wrong with Rose. She’s shuffling her feet nervously and you don’t think you’ve ever heard her use an expletive such as ‘ _wow’_. For a minute she doesn’t say anything, which leads you to believe that she’s most likely trying to get her thoughts in order.

You decide to take the first step in this conversational dance.

“Hey, I’m sorry for walking out or whatever.” You shoot her a quick smile. “I just needed some air, you know?”

“No, John. It is I who should apologize. I fully recognize that you relationship with… Vriska is entirely your business.”

“I know you’re just trying to help, Rose.”

“Yes, in my own backwards, convoluted way of reasoning.”

“Yeah!” You pat her lightly on the shoulder. “So no harm done.”

“Hmmm.” She doesn’t react much to your touch. She’s still wrapped around herself.

“Fuh. What is it, Rose? You’re acting more grim and morose than usual.”

“There’s just… I…” She moves her hand to cradle her forehead and she sighs loudly. “John… Have you ever wanted to say something, but you don’t know how to go about saying it without sounding incredibly… I don’t know, desensitized?”

“Desensitized?” You echo. Now you’re starting to get worried that something might really be wrong. Since when has Rose worried about sounding anything except smart?

“Look,” You begin. “You should know that you can tell me whatever’s on your mind, Rose. No matter what it is, I promise that I won’t judge how you sound or put a label on you or anything.”

“Ugh, no. That isn’t the problem, really. It’s just…” She gestures towards herself. “This isn’t supposed to be about _me._ Why do I always do that?”

“What?”

“Even now, this whole conversation has become about me and my own problems when really this concerns you, John.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well of course not!” She throws her hands in the air. “I don’t expect you to, on account of me making absolutely no sense!”

Rose has never really been an expressive talker, at least in your opinion. Usually she delivers information with a calm expression and steady words. Right now though, she’s neither calm nor steady. She isn’t acting like the Rose you know at all and you guess that is what’s disturbing you the most.

“Okay, alright. Just hold on a second.” You grab her by the shoulders, holding her still and looking straight into her violet eyes. “Tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“John, I…” Her face twists subtly and for a second, you think that she might cry. “I do not want to do this.”

You wait for her to continue, but she doesn’t.

“Uh…” You release her and rub the back of your neck idly. “Was that the first thing or…”

“Yes, that is indeed what I’m thinking at the moment.” Rose takes a step closer to you. “You see, John. I came out here with something that I wanted to tell you, but now I realize that I do not want to tell you that thing at all. Instead I am going to follow the advice of another party and wait until an opportunity presents itself where the information that I want to share with you is actually _ready_ to be shared.”

“So you’re not going to tell me what you wanted to tell me?”

“Not until the time is right.”

“Well how will you know when the time _is_ right?”

“That’s a good question,” She looks less tense, although more pensive. That’s the Rose you remember. “I suppose that when the time comes where you’re ready to receive my information, it will no longer matter whether I’m ready to deliver it or not. It will be all up to you to decide.”

Honestly, you’re a little confused by Rose’s reasoning.

“Honestly, I’m a little confused by your reasoning.” You say. “But what if I tell you that I’m ready to receive your information right now?”

“You’re not.” Rose replies simply with a shrug.

Something about the way she says ‘ _you’re not’_ with absolute certainty, tells you that you probably aren’t. You don’t know when you’ll be ready to receive Rose’s mysterious information, but you can guess it has nothing to do with being older or being smarter or something like that. It most likely has something to do with the way you just accept Rose’s words as they come.

When you can look Rose in the eye and tell her without a shadow of a doubt that you are ready to hear what she has to say, then you probably are.

“Well then, I guess that’s settled.” You smile at her again and this time, she returns it.

“I suppose it is.”

The rain is falling less harshly now, but the pair of you both decide to return to the shelter of the house. As you walk through the front door, you can’t help but notice that Rose has not stopped smiling yet. This makes it hard for you to stop smiling as well.

As curious as you are to find out what Rose had to say, she’s obviously happier having not said it. You can be content with that.

“Why don’t you grab a chair and I’ll see if any of these salamanders have coffee.” You say. She nods and you disappear into the small kitchen.

Not all that surprisingly, the consorts of LOWAS do not have a can of Folgers in the pantry. Instead you find a couple of glasses and a jug of water tucked away in one of the cupboards. You suppose that the salamander’s human-like attributes stop there, with water jugs and handmade cupboards.

Rose is sitting in her chair, tapping a slender finger against her headband and staring into the lens over her eye. She’s probably looking up more information about the game. You plop down in the seat next to her and hand her a glass.

“No coffee, huh?” She says, looking away from her headset to smirk at you.

“If you knew there wouldn’t be any you could have saved me the trouble.” You sip your water. It’s cool, but a little bitter. You really hope that it’s water.

“Ah, but then you would not feel that swell of pride in your chest, knowing that you took it upon yourself to improvise a satisfactory beverage.” Rose takes a little sip and gags loudly. “John, this is vodka.”

“What?” You swirl the contents of your glass. “It doesn’t taste like Vodka to me.”

“Have you had Vodka before?” She takes another sip and although a grimace crosses her face, she does not gag.

“One time, a while ago at one of my friend’s parties. Well he wasn’t really my friend and it wasn’t much of a party, I guess, but I still had a little bit.” You don’t remember what the Vodka you drank previously tasted like, but it must not have been that bad since it didn’t leave all that much of an impression.

“I’ve never partaken myself,” Rose is treating her cup like a new born child, cradling it on her knee. “I was never one to attend the customary, Friday night, post-adolescent ruckus known as the typical pastime for teenagers and my mother…”

She trails off and you immediately regret pouring her the glass.

“Maybe this was a bad idea.” You reach for her drink but it’s being pressed against her lips now.

“My mother was very efficient in dissuading any curiosity I had for the drink.” She finishes strongly, although you notice that she’s now holding the cup like it’s about to attempt to wriggle free from her grasp.

You sit back in your chair and swiftly change the subject.

“You didn’t go to any parties?”

“No, of course not. You know this, John.” She’s examining the picture on the far wall again (which to you looks like a monkey fucking a coconut).  “Every time you logged onto pesterchum, you undoubtedly saw that I was online as well. I hardly left my room. In fact, I rarely left my house in all my years. School was a necessity for me, not a social gathering.”

“You must have had friends though.” You may be pressing too far, but you couldn’t stop now even if you wanted to.

“Besides, you, Dave, and Jade, I rarely conversed with anyone my own age.” Her gaze returns to her half empty glass. “I had no friends.”

She takes another drink and you’re certain that you’re pressing too far. You’re surprised at yourself.  You’ve never barraged anyone with personal questions such as this. You’re surprised at Rose too. You’ve never gotten a truly accurate depiction at her social life until now.

“No boyfriends?” You ask before you can stop yourself. You bury your face in your cup and become disappointed when you find your glass empty.

“No.”

“Any… girlfriends?” You should stop talking now.

“No.”

“Well, that’s alright anyways. None of that matters now, since everyone but us is dead, right? HAHAHA!” You laugh so hard that your chest starts to hurt. “I mean, kids are stupid anyhow. You really don’t need…”

“I’ve never even kissed anyone.” She says plainly, cutting you off.

You look up at Rose and you see that she is staring back at you, almost sadly. You feel really bad now, not to mention really stupid. You’re eyes fall from her big, violet irises, and land on her black painted lips. They look soft and a little moist, thanks to her drink.

You remember something.

“Well that’s not entirely true.” You laugh. “You’ve kissed me!”

Rose blinks at you for a second, her lips hanging slightly apart, obviously confused. Then she bursts out laughing as well. You both snicker like idiots until her drink is also gone and you’re both sitting cross-legged on the floor.

 “I don’t know whether that counts or not, honestly.” Rose giggles. Somehow the jug of Vodka has ended up in your lap. Didn’t you leave that in the cupboard? “I mean, I was dead and it’s not like you even wanted to kiss me.”

“Well it’s pretty plain that I wanted to, because I totally did.” You slide the jug over to Rose and it bumps into her waiting hands. Some of the sour liquid sloshes into her lap, but she doesn’t seem to notice. “It wasn’t my worst kiss, by any means, although I guess I should apologize for taking away your smooching virginity.”

“It’s alright, I wasn’t all that attatached to it anyways.” Rose grins at you and then suddenly she’s moving almost dreamily towards you across the floor.

Her knee hits the jug and it tumbles over, flooding the floor with the dangerous drink. Is she really that tipsy? You’ve only had like one, maybe two drinks, right?

“Ooops.” You stare at the overturned jug. “I hope the salamanders have a mop, because…”

Rose is kissing you.

You’re eyes are open, which you guess is not supposed to happen. You can see her closed eyelids and her mussed up hair, falling down the space between your faces. She tastes like Vodka, which you don’t mind all the much considering what you’ve been drinking for the last…. How long has it been? It’s no longer raining outside.

She pulls away from you and rests her forehead against yours.

“John… I think we should….”

Then she throws up on you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the trolls killed Gamzee, but who could it be? John's busy wasting time again, Bro is acting like the Tyrant from Resident Evil 2, and where are Dave and Jade? We'll probably catch up with them next chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	12. ACT 2 - PART 3

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too. There’s nothing like a little bit of badass, ninja awesomeness to wake you up in the morning.

You feel the hard edges of your shades digging into your face and you groan inwardly (not vocally, since that would just be completely uncool). Once again you’ve fallen asleep with your shades firmly fixated on the bridge of your nose. Your Bro always warned you against going to bed with your shades, but every once and a while you just forget that the world isn’t normally supposed to be viewed through tinted glass.

A warm body is pressed up against yours and you fight the smirk that tugs at your lips when you remember who it is. This isn’t really the time for comfortable, early morning lie-ins, but right now you’re finding a hard reason to get up and start the day.

Jade’s voice is weak in your ear.

“Dave?” She says. “Are you awake?”

“Yo, Harley.” You feel her body squirm slightly and she turns so that you can see her face. Her green eyes shine brightly in the dim light. You swallow hard.

“I- I think I’m going to die…” She mumbles quietly.

Well that’s one way to kill the mood. That’s basically the equivalent of dropping a live grenade into a ball pit during your birthday party.

“That’s a stupid thing to say.” You press the back of your hand against her forehead, finding that the warm skin is slick with cold sweat. “You’re gonna be just fine.”

“But what if the bleeding doesn’t stop? I don’t want to bleed out, Dave.”

“You won’t, we’re gonna meet up with those awesome, alien trolls and they’ll fix you up. No worries and no more talking about death, alright?” You cast a glance over to her hand and see that despite your best efforts, blood is still seeping from her wound and soaking her wrappings.

Things are looking grim, but you still mean what you say. You’re pretty confident that you can carry Jade the rest of the way to trolls base and once there it’ll be like all of the problems that plagued your thoughts never existed. Sunshine, rainbows, and kitten tails will dance though the air, surrounding you with assurance and a powerful sense of security. If you can just get there, everything will fall into place.

“Okay,” Jade gives you a weak smile that turns your heart into a dollop of fro-yo that has been thrown into a skillet. “I guess I’m just feeling a little scared, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. But guess what.”

“What?”

“I’m Dave Fucking Strider.” That earns you a giggle. You continue. “And do you know what that means?”

“You’re cool as all fuck.”

“Damn straight,” You lightly _bop_ her on the forehead with the palm of your hand. “But it also means that I get shit done. So I don’t want you to worry, Jade. I’m gonna take care of you.”

“Alright.”

And just like that, it’s settled. Jade is going to be just fine and that’s really all there is to say on the matter.

At least until you finally arrive outside the troll’s base about an hour later.

You’re glad that the rain had ceased sometime while you were asleep, since traveling through the oil storm was something that you desperately wanted to avoid. Now that the skies are a clear blue once more, you can clearly see that the large boulder covering the entrance has been carelessly moved away from its post.

“Shit.” You mutter under your breath. Karkat may be the biggest fucking dickweed in the universe, but he wouldn’t neglect to hide the entrance to his own secret base, would he?

You make your way over to the entrance and pause just outside. There are quite a few sets of footprints leading away from the base and down the hill, into the wilderness. It looks like everyone’s jumped ship, but you don’t know for sure how empty the base really is. One thing’s for sure, you aren’t taking Jade inside unless you’re sure that it’s safe.

“Alright Harley,” You shuffle to the side and try to slide Jade off your back as gently as possible. “You got to rest here for a second. I’ll be back before you even realize I’m gone.”

You’re probably right, as you lean Jade against the rocks, careful to keep her out of the sun, she doesn’t respond to your voice or touch. You need to haul ass.

With your sword drawn and your eyes peeled, you make your way quickly up the stairs and into the base. You would never admit this aloud, but carrying Jade all the way here sapped some of your impressive stores of strength. You’re tired and stressed. If you weren’t such a badass, charging into an unsecured and potentially dangerous building would probably be a bad idea.

The door to the computer room is open and you hesitantly peek inside. All of the chairs and desks have been smashed, there’s a massive hole in the roof, and heaps of rubble litter the floor. It’s obvious that you’ve arrived fashionably late to some horribly out of control, brutal strife-filled party.

You pick your way across the wreckage, looking for clues. It isn’t long until you notice that one of the overturned desks have been cleaved cleanly in two. The cut is so straight, so precise, and so awesome that there isn’t a doubt in your mind for who is responsible for this mess.

“Oh, Bro.” You take off your shades and message your tired eyes. “What’s going on with you, man? Why is this happening?”

You replace your shades and tap them, bringing up Karkat’s number and dialing it. You hear a ring echo from behind you and sure enough, when you move a broken chair, you see Karkat’s headset abandoned on the ground.

“Fuck a wet Canadian Duck!” You pick up the headset and send it spinning across the room like a Frisbee.

You try Terezi next and become equally frustrated when you find her headset similarly forsaken. Are the trolls still alive? If so, where are they? It seems unlikely that you’ll ever complete this game without their help.

What’s worse is that without the trolls here, Jade is pretty much a goner.

_“Shut up you insufferable prick! You can’t afford to have thoughts like that right now!”_

You agree with your inner voice which sometimes voices your insecurities. Right now, it’s being pretty helpful and surprisingly motivating.

You make your way towards the exit to collect Jade, but you stop when you notice a dim light, shining from the corner. It’s a computer monitor that has been left plugged in and open to a specific window. A quick investigation shows that a message reading ‘ _play all audio logs’_ has been selected.

“Fuck a dry American Duck!”

Bro has listened to _all_ your previous conversations. He knows all of your plans, all of your arguments with Karkles, even your shitty jokes to John. This is a real problem.

You race back down the steps and grab Jade, run back upstairs and deposit her in Karkat’s old room, sprint to Aradia’s room and grab the medicine kit you’d seen her use earlier on Jade, and then finally you reapply Jade’s bandages.

It’s sloppy, quick, and the bandages are already growing little spots of red, but what else do you expect? You aren’t fucking Doogie Howser MD, master doctor and champion of all things mischievous. You’re Dave Fucking Strider, master of bodacious beats and radical rhymes.

You need help, no matter how much you’re reluctant to ask. You need someone smart, someone you can trust, someone who can tell you what to do without persecution.

You need John.

He picks up on the first ring.

“Hello?” He sounds a little frustrated.

“Hey, Egbert. Listen up, we some serious shit hitting some serious fans up in this house.”

You proceed to tell John about Jade’s progressively worsening injury, the mess at the troll’s base, and the revelation of your plans thanks to your Bro. For a second, John is silent.

“Wow,” He says. “And here I was thinking I was having a hard time. Haha.”

“Yeah, well anyway. I need your help, John. What are you and Rose up to?”

“Uh… nothing much really.” He pauses for a second. “Just some stuff right now, but we’re probably heading out to destroy the green sun pretty soon. I think that you should stay there with Jade and we’ll come get you guys after we’re done.”

“You want me to play nurse, while you and Rose blow up suns?” You rub at your forehead. Don’t get yourself wrong, the prospect of staying with Jade sounds fun and all, but you were looking for a little bit more extensive advice.

“Well yeah, it’s kind of important that we do it. Afterwards we’ll come for you guys, I promise.”

You look over to Jade, sleeping soundly in Karkat’s bed. The room is small and decorated with movie posters, sporting films with ridiculously long titles. The whole place is alien and strange, but right now it’s the only place that’s even remotely safe, for Jade and for yourself.

“Alright, we’ll stay here. Do you have any idea for what I should do for Jade’s hand, though?”

“Umm, keep pressure on the wound?”

“I already know that, Egbert.” You make sure that Jade’s bandages are good and tight. “Anything else? What about Rose? She’s smart, right?”

“Rose isn’t feeling too well at the moment, but I don’t think she knows that much about medical stuff anyways.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s just feeling a little under the weather.” You hear a muffled, garbled sound that is reminiscent of someone vomiting.

“Is Rose… puking?”

“I’m handling it!” John says defensively. “Don’t worry, everything’s fine.”

“Well, alright then…” You can’t help but smirk at the image of prim, little Rose spewing her guts all over the place. You decide to store away that thought for teasing privileges at a later date. “I guess I’ll look around her for some more meds in the meantime.”

“That sounds good to me. Stay safe, Dave.”

“Yeah… you too, John.”

You both hang up at the same time and for a second you just watch Jade as she rests. Talking to John has certainly boosted your moral more than you had expected, which means that things have gone from completely, depressingly pointless to mildly, sadly prudent.

With a sigh, you grab the first aid kit that you took from Aradia’s room and flip it open. There are several rolls of bandages, which you’ve already broken in, a few packs of some gel-like substance, and a bunch of dumb looking roots, leaves, and mushrooms.

You imagine that in the hands of an accomplished potion’s master, such as Severus Snape, these assorted plant parts could come together to make a really effective medicine. Maybe Rose could’ve thrown something together as well? She’s into all of that dumb wizard shit, right? With you, however, these pieces of vegetation are nothing but a potentially bad tasting salad.

Do you risk mixing them together? What if you make her sicker by feeding her some type of anti-healing draft or something? You decide that whatever is in the gel packets are probably safe to use though, since they are the closest thing to actual medicine that you can see.

“Hey, Harley.” You sit on the side of the bed and pull her hand into your lap. “How are you feeling?”

She doesn’t answer, but it’s alright. You can see the steady rise and fall of her chest and the warmth of her fingers in yours reassure you that she is alive. You apply the gel and re-wrap her hand tightly. Having done all you can do for the moment, you grab your sword, pull up a chair, and sit facing the door.

This base might be vacant for the time being, but who knows how long you’ll be given the privilege of solitude. If anyone or anything comes snooping around, you’re not going to let it get anywhere near the girl sleeping soundly a yard away from you.

And that’s really all there is to say on the matter.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently kneeling in the front lawn of a salamander’s house and vomiting violently. This is a scenario you never imagined yourself a part of. You’ve never had alcohol before; therefore you’ve never experienced the ritual known as wonderful post-inebriation expulsion of your stomach’s contents. Needless to say you do not plan to rate this experience as a _‘ten out of ten, would do again’_.

John is standing awkwardly behind you, covered in your sick and holding back the hair that has slipped from your headband. You appreciate his help, since washing your hair seems like an unlikely thing to happen any time soon.

“It’s okay, Rose.” He lightly pats your shoulder blades. “Just uh… let it all out?”

“Fuhhh.” You respond and wretch some more.

You’ve seen your mother down countless martinis and glasses of wine without so much as a hiccup. Why are you, only after like two cups (maybe three), suddenly turned into a disgusting fountain of mess? It’s as if your mother’s tolerance for booze skipped a generation, leaving you with the same capacity for alcohol as a baby teaspoon.

Over your shoulder you hear a faint _beep_ and John’s grip on your hair loosens.

“Oh, I’m getting a call from Dave. Do you mind if I take this, Rose?” He says.

“Fugahh.” You respond and then suddenly you are alone.

You’ve never felt so awful in your life. The past hour or so is blurry, like you’re trying to see it through a puddle of muddy water. The only indication for you that time has passed at all is the distinct lack of oily rain falling from the heavens.

You vaguely remember talking with John about… something. You really hope you didn’t tell him about Vriska’s death during your drunken stupor. That would have made you look doubly desensitized. It doesn’t seem like you spilled the beans though, since you doubt John would still regard you as a friend if he knew you’d willingly withheld that information from him, no matter how good your intentions were.

You do remember sitting on the floor and John slowly moving closer and closer and…

Did he kiss you?

_“Of course not, Rose. No one would kiss you if they could avoid it.”_

You wish John hadn’t left you alone. The voices always come when you are alone.

The ground is hard under your fingers, but you grip it anyways and tug and pull yourself back towards the house. Climbing up onto the porch doesn’t seem like something you’re capable of at the moment, so instead you settle for flopping against the wall and closing your eyes.

“ _You’re planning to blow up the Green Sun, right? You know what that means. You know what you’ll have to do.”_

What is taking John so long? Does your ecto-brother really have something _that_ interesting to say?

_“Will you make John do it? Or will you want the glory for yourself?”_

“John.” You’re voice sounds really weak, really far away.

You are never drinking again.

“John, where are you?”

It’s pathetic really, you lying here on the ground and calling for your friend. You wish that you were dead.

You hear quick footsteps, a rush of wind, and then he’s back again. His eyes are wide and his hair looks a little messier than usual, as if he ran back to your side. For some reason that thought makes you really happy.

“What is it, Rose? Are you okay?” He sounds concerned, so you smile at him to show that you’re okay. Instead of understanding your message though, John looks more concerned than ever. A frown twists his mouth funnily. “Did you get drunk again while I was gone?”

“Of course not. I’m just really happy right now.” You smile at him again to show how happy you are and this time, John tentatively returns your grin.

“Well I hate to kill your mood then, but Dave’s just given us some bad news.”

John proceeds to talk for a really long time. His face fades in and out of focus quite a bit, but you catch the important bits.

“Trolls gone… Dave’s Bro… Jade’s hand… Plans foiled…”

“NO!” You slap your hand against John’s chest a little harder than you planned.

“No?” He repeats. “What do you mean ‘ _no_ ’?”

“Our plans aren’t foiled,” You hit his chest again. It feels hollow under your palm, like a drum. “Just because Bec Noir knows what we plan to do, doesn’t mean that he can stop us. If we’re fast, John, we can still do this.”

“Not when I’ve gotten you drunk!” John grabs your hand and you just realize that you’ve been pounding his chest for the past thirty seconds.  “Once again I’ve managed to fuck everything up.”

“John, no…”

“Yes, but it doesn’t matter.” He cuts you off. “Listen, you need to tell me how to destroy the Green Sun so I can go do it. You said we need to be fast, right?”

“Speed is important, yes, but you have not incapacitated me to such an extent where I am useless.” You can feel the fog in your head starting to clear, slowly being replaced with a splitting headache. “The plan is for the both of us to destroy the Green Sun together and that’s what we’re going to do.”

“Are you sure that you’re feeling alright?” John presses his hands into your cheeks, holding your head steady so that he can look into your pupils.

“I’m fine, although I’m curious as to why you aren’t being nearly as affected as by the Vodka as I am.”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just a natural born wino.”

You snicker at the thought of your John resembling anything close to a homeless alcoholic. He’s much too strong, tolerant, smart, clever to end up trapped in that sort of lifestyle. If anyone was to be the rubber equivalent to alcohol’s electricity, you would have thought it would be you.

“Maybe you wind powers have some added affect on your blood stream, preventing the liquor from tainting your oxidized blood.”

“It’s possible, I don’t know. I really didn’t pay that much attention in Biology.”

“Anatomy most likely and maybe Chemistry. Regardless,” You hold up your hand and John takes it, pulling you to your feet. You’re a little unsteady, but a strong arm around your waist keeps you upright. “We should get to setting our plans in…” You’ve just noticed John’s god tier outfit.

Well, you’ve seen it before of course. But you’ve only just noticed it again.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry, John.” You nod at his shirt which is a horrible mosaic of blood, sweat, vomit, and blue. “What you must think of me, acting like some poisoned adolescent.”

“You sort of are a poisoned adolescent, when you think about it.” He smiles warmly at you. “And don’t worry about my windy pajamas. They were cool and all, but it’s really nothing to cry over.”

Once again John has managed to surprise you. He’s accepting and forgiving almost to a fault. You doubt you know anyone else who would so readily forgive you for soiling their outfit.

“So…” John speaks and you realize that you’ve been staring for a while. You need to fight off the lingering effects of the Vodka fast, before you do something _really_ stupid. “You were saying something about plans?”

“Oh, yes. Of course.” You reach up and brush your hair, adjusting your headband back into place. “According to my research prior to my imprisonment, the only way the Green Sun can be destroyed, or at least the easiest way, is to use something called The Tumor.”

“That sounds really unpleasant.”

“I agree, although you shouldn’t worry. It’s not like cancer or anything. We aren’t infecting the sun, we’re blowing it up. The Tumor is a bomb.”

“Oh well that’s not unpleasant at all!”

“Stop with the sarcasm, John. It doesn’t suit you.” You counter his smile with a smirk of your own. You’re mouth feels like it’s dirty and your tongue feels like it’s covered in a sock. “I’m sorry to trouble you John, but did you happen to find any _real_ water whilst you were in the house?”

“Nope, apparently the only liquids in LOWAS are flammable and completely unnecessary for human life.”

That’s really troubling. How could anyone be expected to survive on this planet without water? It’s almost as bad as LOHAC in terms of inhabitability. At least LOLAR and LOFAF have water.

You swallow dryly and decide that trivial things such as food and water can wait for a later date. In the present, it’s prudent that you and John get to work.

“Alright, well then. I believe it’s time that you and I got to work.” You make sure that your legs aren’t wobbling like a tower of bubbles and take John’s arm, leading him away from the salamander’s house and down a rough path. “The Tumor, as far as I know, is buried in the center of LOWAS. Don’t ask me how it got there, because I don’t know. Apparently it’s rare for a session to have a black king as powerful as ours and even rarer is a black king who depends on the Green Sun for power, making it a rather pleasant coincidence that The Tumor even exists at all.”

“Okay, I see.” John speaks in a way that causes you to assume that he really doesn’t _see_ at all, and yet he follows you away, from the village and towards the edge of an oil lake. “How do we get The Tumor out of the ground?”

“That’s where you come in, John. You’re the only one who can retrieve The Tumor, thanks to your powers as the Heir of Breath.”

“Nice,” He claps his hands once, looking out over the lake. “What do you want me to do?”

“You will have to drill down and grab it.”

He looks surprised.

“Is that it?”

“Well,” Now you’re a little surprised. John looks as if he was expecting you to spout off some long, complicated sequence of events that would lead to his capture of The Tumor. “Yeah, that’s pretty much it.”

“Piece of cake then.” John grins widely and then grabs you’re arm tightly, pulling you onto his back.

“Uh, John?” You ask. “What are you doing?”

“You want to come too, right?” He looks over his shoulder at you. “I mean, it’ll be quicker if I just fly by and _you_ grab it, don’t you think?”

“I… suppose?”

“Are you okay with this?”

“Yes.” You say and then louder. “Yes! Let us go, John.”

He laughs and then suddenly you are airborne. Your heart leaps up into your throat, your eyes squeeze shut like a pair of vices, and you wrap your arms around John’s neck as if to strangle him. The ground has fallen out from under you and it feels as if you’re back in the pit of Horrorterrors. Nothing is tangible, everything is black, and you are floating in an endless abyss of darkness.

The only thing you can feel is the wind whipping at your clothes and a warm… something, pressed flushed against your chest.

“Augh?” John coughs and reaches back to pat you on the shoulder. It turns out that you aren’t alone in the abyss.

You loosen your grip slightly, very slightly.

“Rose…” He begins. “Are you afraid of flying?”

He asks tentatively, as if he’s afraid to insult you. You should probably be honest with John and fess up, telling him that nothing would satisfy you more than to be put back on solid ground. However, you would be mortified to admit any sort of weakness to him, or any other of your friends for that matter.

You try to lie. You shake your head to say no, but your mouth opens and…

“John, I am _terrified_ of flying.”

Immediately you start to descend and the ground begins to rise. You feel your heart rate start to slow down and your chest begin to loosen. A few more feet and you will be reconnected with the holy earth. John isn’t laughing at you or making some snarky comment about facing your fears, he’s doing what he thinks will make you happy.

“Wait, stop.” You blurt and John does as he’s told.

“I’m just gonna put you down, Rose. It’s no big deal. I’ll get The Tumor myself…” He begins.

“No, I… just- give me a second, okay?” You’re both floating about three feet off the ground. “This is what Bec Noir wants.”

“What?”

“He wants me to be afraid.” You explain. “He wants to have left an impact on me, but he hasn’t. I _know_ he hasn’t.”

You can’t see John’s face from your position, clinging to his back like a Koala on a piece of bamboo, but you can guess from his silence that he’s mulling over what you’ve just said.

“So you want to keep going?” He asks.

“Yes, but a little slower. If you don’t mind.”

“Of course not.” He reaches back and grabs you under the legs, in a mock piggy-back. You’re glad he did, you feel a little more secure this way. “Just tell me if you want to stop, okay?”

“Yes.”

You force your eyes to stay open as you ascend once more. True to his word, John takes to the skies gradually, pausing every so often to wait for you to voice some displeasure. You don’t, not just because you’re teeth are grinding together, but because you _know_ you can do this.

The cool wind sharpens your alcohol-dulled senses and when you look out over the carpet of LOWAS clouds, it actually seems kind of pretty.

“Alright, hang on tight, Rose. Here comes the tricky part.” John has to raise his voice over the wind and you give him a quick thumbs up to show that you understand.

You guess John’s just going to ‘ _wing it’_ when it comes to making a giant wind drill and plowing though the ground, since you can’t really give him any actual instruction on the task. He’ll probably figure it out quickly though. John’s always been the most creative OH MY GOD HE’S DOING IT RIGHT NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES IDIOT!

You couldn’t keep your eyes open even if you wanted to. The air swirls around you so quickly that for a second you’re afraid your clothes are going to fly right off of your body. Then you realize that’s sort of a silly thing to be worrying about at the moment and instead worry about being peeled away from John, like a wet band-aid and then thrown out into open space.

He’s still holding onto you tightly though, which is nice, although you’re sure that your legs are starting to fall asleep.

With an enormous amount of effort, you force your eyes to open a fraction, of a fraction, of an inch, and see that everything is black. You cast a glance over your shoulder and you see a small circle of light above you, or is it behind you? You don’t know, you’re sense of direction has been completely thrown off by this sadistic roller coaster ride. However, you can easily guess that you’re now underground.

Flecks of blue rocks and grey clay flick past you in a blur, until with a loud _pschoo_ rings through your ears and light filters into your eyes. You’ve entered a large cavern in the center of LOWAS and suspended in the very center is an orb about the size of a basketball, giving off a blue glow somewhat ominously.

“So…” John slows to a stop and the two of you hang suspended once more, deep below ground. “I guess that’s it?”

“You would guess correctly.”

John draws close to The Tumor and you carefully extend one arm out to grab it. It must be a little bit smaller than your average basketball, since you can palm it with little difficulty. It’s cool to the touch and a lot heavier than one might expect. You tuck it into the crook of your arm.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” John asks, as he turns around and propels you both towards the surface.

“No,” You admit, feeling John’s warmth pressed against yours. “It wasn’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both of our boys are taking care of our girls, that won't be the case forever though. John and Rose's story will continue through the next chapter and we'll catch up with Dave, Jade, and the troll's later on. I have a plan for where things are going.
> 
> For those who comment: What are some of your favorite Homestuck fanfics? I'm looking for some good recommendations.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	13. ACT 2 - PART 4

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’re currently flying, carrying a girl, who’s carrying a bomb, towards a sun that you want to blow up.

That’s not too weird, is it? Considering some of the other things you’ve had to put up with in the game so far, this is actually pretty tame. You’ve been killed three times, resurrected twice, had actual sex with an actual alien girl, and some other stuff that seems a little less radical compared to events previously mentioned.

“So this Green Sun,” You say over your shoulder to your travel companion. “Where is it? How do we get to it?”

You feel Rose shift against you. She’s been hanging from your shoulders for the last thirty minutes or so, and you’re pretty sure that it’s not very comfortable.

“The Green Sun is in the farthest of the seven rings.” She explains.

“The seven rings that make up the medium?” You’ve learned some of the game’s mechanics by just being close to Rose, by like osmosis or something. Just like Dave drops ill beats, Rose usually drops useful knowledge all the time without meaning to.

You wonder if you have any habits that function below the conscious level. You doubt it though, out of all of your friends, you consider yourself to be the least interesting. You didn’t grow up on an exotic island. You won’t ever be able to drop savage raps and calm the beasts of the musician’s soul with sickening beats. And you don’t have an interest in the Zoologically Dubious. You’re just you, John Egbert.

You realize that Rose is talking.

“You are correct. Now, there are two ways we can reach the furthest ring. We can either fly there directly, which will take an egregious amount of time or we can travel through a portal that leads from our ring, to the seventh.”

“Alright, well I can tell that flying is out of the option, no matter how fun it might be,” Rose scoffs at how you can possibly consider ‘ _flying’_ fun. You continue. “So I guess we’ll be taking the portal. Now where is that?”

“Well,” She shifts again, pulling a little bit closer to you. You can tell that she’s uncomfortable for an entirely different reason now, a much worse reason. “It’s less of a portal and more of a pit, and it’s underneath Jack Noir’s castle.”

Welp, there it is. That’s the kicker.

That’s some precious information you would have liked to been told earlier. Jack Noir’s castle, with it’s imp armies, confusing corridors, and bad memories, is probably the last place you would ever want to go. You’d rather take the _‘egregious amount of time wasting’_ route.

“I think I’d rather take the ‘ _egregious amount of time wasting’_ route.” You say.

“Fighting our way inside a heavily fortified castle may be less than ideal, but it’s the quickest way to get things done,” She responds. “Trust me, John, if there was any other reasonable way, this wouldn’t even be an option.”

“Yeah, alright.” You concede defeat, trusting Rose to know what she is talking about. You feel that your trust is well placed, Rose typically knows everything. “This pit, though, it wouldn’t happen to be the same pit of Horrorterrors that you were tossed in to, would it? I mean, how many inter-dimensional portals can one guy have in his basement?”

Her slow intake of breath and a subtle tightening of her grip is all the answer you need, but she speaks anyways.

“I’m afraid these pits are one in the same. The Horrorterrors also reside in the furthest ring. We must travel though their realm to reach the sun.”

“Oh.” You say.

“Yes. Oh, indeed.” She responds quietly.

A sense of guilt washes over you. Here you are, feeling cheated, when Rose is the one who is actually holding the shortest straw. You can’t imagine the feeling of knowing that you aren’t just visiting your former prison, but you’re about to dive right back in head first. Not for the first time, you admire your friend’s fortitude and general badassery.

You decide to fly in silence then, both of you mulling over your respective thoughts. You adjust your course accordingly so that you’re now heading straight back towards Jack Noirs castle. The black clouds are no longer looming in the air to guide you, so you hope that you’re heading in the right direction.

Once you get there, Rose will probably know exactly where to go and lead you straight to your destination. Regardless, you still make a mental note to avoid the tallest spire if you can. There’s nothing up there worth seeing.

“Hey, I just thought of something.” You steer around a flock of birds. That’s weird; you’ve never seen birds on LOWAS before. You decide to ask someone smarter about it later.

“What if everyone is gone when we get there?” You ask. “When I woke up after being skewed, the castle was empty and you and I flew out of there with no questions asked.”

Rose seems to think for a moment.

“Hmmm, maybe. Although I don’t see why Jack Noir would abandon his fortress like that, after only one sloppy strife.”

“Yeah, well Dave and I talked about this earlier: Maybe Jack Noir has castles in every land and he just went to the next one after we fought him here.”

“You mean like Bowser in Super Mario?”

“Exactly!”

You do a loop de loop to emphasize your point and you hear Rose groan audibly.

“Please refrain from performing complex aerial maneuvers, no matter how impressive.” She says. “I can still feel whatever’s left in my stomach trying to escape.

“Thanks, I guess. And ew.”

“You’re welcome. And yes, ew. Very ew.” She chuckles softly as you laugh. “Pertinent video game references aside, I still find it unlikely that Jack Noir packed up and shipped out after murdering both of us.”

“I guess we’ll just have to see.”

You slow down and gradually descend to the ground atop a clump of rocks. Rose quickly descends from your back, once again happy to be on solid ground. She probably isn’t used to touching anyone for that long of a time either. From what you know about her home life, physical intimacy has always been kind of scarce.

 The castle is about a hundred yards away, looking… pretty deserted actually. The pile of dead imps that you and Dave killed earlier is still there and it makes you kind of upset to realize that no one had come to bury them. You wonder what it must be like to be disposable like the imps, to be completely worthless, but still determined to fight for your cause, even to the death.

Maybe you’re thinking about these little guys too much. You mean, they’re NPC’s, right? They tried to kidnap you, kill you, and stop you from saving Rose. They’re mean and feisty and just so… pointless.

You decide to think about something else.

You cast a glance over the rocks, down into the ravine where the golden ship had crashed during your sloppy rescue mission.

“Hey, the ship is gone!” You point and Rose follows your line of view.

“What do you mean?”

“When Dave, Jade, and I came to save you, we flew this really awesome airship. It crashed though and I thought it was left behind.”

“Dave and Jade couldn’t have taken it?”

“I think I remember Dave saying that it was pretty fucked up.” You shrug. “Jade might have been able to fix it, but I think she was pretty fucked up too.”

“What happened to Jade?” Rose starts picking her way down the rocks and you follow.

“Well…” You think of a proper way to phrase this, but nothing really sounds right. You decide to give it to her straight. “Dave’s Bro has been popping up all over the place stirring up trouble. He attacked me and Vriska, and then Dave and Jade. He’s like gone crazy or something.”

Rose comes to a stop and you send several loose rocks bouncing down the hill in your haste to halt as well. She’s thinking pretty hard, with her brow furrowed slightly and her hand messaging her chin. You let her muse for a while, knowing that she likes absolute silence whilst brain storming.

You try not to stare at her, but it’s hard. You’re both such a hot mess at the moment, and it’s just surprising to see Rose so haggard. Her dress is covered in dried blood, her _own_ dried blood. Her hair is still pretty frizzy, the paint on her nails is chipped, and dark circles hang like heavy drapes under her eyes.

Everyone just needs a good nap, a fresh change of clothes, and maybe a hotdog or something. Yeah, that sounds good.

“I think it’s safe to assume that Dave’s brother did not partake in murderous exploits before the game began.” Rose eventually speaks, drawing your thoughts away from delicious snacks. “Jack Noir has many powers at his disposal, granted to him by a combination of dark magic, the Green Sun, and his newly acquired wolf powers. It’s possible that Dave’s brother has been corrupted by Jack Noir.”

“What? You mean like mind control or something like that?” It’s an interesting proposition. You’re surprised that you didn’t think of that sooner.

“Yes. It’s not outside the realm of possibility.” Rose continues to lead the way towards the castle.

“Well do you think there is a way we could reverse it?”

“It’s impossible to tell without knowing for sure whether or not he’s actually under Jack Noir’s control. I’ll have to do some research on the subject.”

“Alright, Dave will be happy to know his Bro isn’t a psycho. In the meantime, let’s just keep our eyes peeled for any trouble. Bro is a hell of a fighter.”

“So I’ve heard.” Rose nods along with your instructions. “I assume by your ease of speaking that no true misfortune has fallen upon Jade? In other words, she is okay?”

“Yeah, she’ll be fine.” You wave your hand nonchalantly. There’s no point in worrying Rose with Dave’s struggles to keep Jade alive. “Dave’s handling it.”

 “Oh, well that’s reassuring.” She smirks. “I’ve always known Dave was the tender, loving, care type.”

There’s that Rose snark, sopping wet with sarcasm and double entendre.

“I’m sure he’s doing his best.” You chuckle. “I trust Dave.”

“I know and that’s what makes you such a good Friendleader.”

You roll your eyes, although you detect no sarcasm this time.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Of course. You’re welcome, John.”

She’s carrying The Tumor carefully now, using both hands to hold it steady. You wonder if she’s just being cautious with it or whether or not there’s actually a chance it might blow up on accident. You regret all those fancy acrobatic maneuvers now, thinking that you could have possibly blown both you and Rose to kingdom come by unintentionally jostling your precious cargo too much.

The pair of you tread carefully around the piles of imp corpses and up towards the front castle doors. They’ve been left ajar and the main entryway beyond is completely deserted.

“Well so far so good,” You draw your Hammer of Zillyhoo. Man, this thing is so sweet. “Just stay behind me for now though, okay?”

“You’re going to protect me?” Rose shoots you another smirk, but gets behind you anyways.

“The Tumor mostly. It’s sort of irreplaceable, right?” You grin at her over your shoulder and wink. “But then again, so are _you_.”

“Swoon!”

You laugh and Rose lets loose a very un-Rose-like giggle. Both of your voices echo off the high ceiling and remind you about what you’re currently doing.

“So uh… this pit.” You say.

“Through those doors and down.” Rose points and now it’s your turn to lead the way.

The door opens up into a dark stairwell, spiraling down into black nothingness.

“Are you sure that you want to do this?” You turn and ask before you descend any further.

In the dim light, Rose’s violet eyes appear to be almost luminescent. She stares at you for a second and you think that she might admit for once that she isn’t completely composed or prepared for what you’re planning to do. Then the moment passes and her black-painted lips are drawn into a thin line.

“Yes, there’s no other way.” She says.

“Alright.” You shrug and face forward again. “Watch your step on the stairs.”

“Consider me warned.”

The trek down the stairs is a long one. It’s eerily quiet and your footsteps sound like claps of thunder. You wish that someone had thought to put lights on the stairs or at least some medieval torches if they wanted to keep up the castle theme. More than once you feel Rose accidentally trod on your long hood, yanking at your neck and muttering a quick _‘sorry’_ every time. About the fifth time this happens, she finally asks.

“Do you like this hood? It seems awfully impractical.”

“I usually don’t think about it.” You chuckle. “I guess it’s kind of cool though, don’t you think?”

“I suppose one might consider it _cool_ , although I wouldn’t like to have one myself.”

“You never know. Maybe when you reach god tier yourself, you’re get your own sweet, super long hood.”

“Unlikely. I would hazard a guess that only the Hero of Breath is empowered with such lovely headwear.”

“That’s a shame.” You float down a few steps, thinking for a moment. “So what do you suppose your god tier will be?”

“You mean, which role do I think I will have?” She responds.

“Sure.”

“I don’t know for sure, something powerful I hope. Hero of Mind would be good, or possibly Hero of Void.

 “What do those do?” You’re interested to hear more about these impressive sounding roles.

“Heroes of Mind,” Rose explains. “Have many abilities, such as the power to tell possible outcomes from different scenarios. The Hero of Void can appearify objects from ‘ _the void_ ’, among other things.”

“Hmmm, I see.” You really don’t, though. Rose is speaking a bunch of sillyspeak and gobbledygook again. “Kind of makes Hero of Breath sound lame, right?”

“Not really, each hero has their own strengths, John. You have already proven invaluable as the Heir of Breath.”

“Yeah, I guess.” You float down the next few steps and stop for Rose to catch up. “Did you know that Dave is the Knight of Time?”

“Really now?” Rose does sound surprised and actually rather excited. “That’s interesting, I wonder if he’s exploited any time loops yet.”

“Time loops?”

“Nothing for you to worry about, John. I’m just thinking aloud.” She steps on your hood again and you gag quietly. “Sorry about that.”

“No problem.” You respond with watering eyes.

After what seems like an eternity, you reach the foot of the stairs and what do you know, more dark, dank, dumb passageways leading off to Gog knows where. Rose seems to know where to go though, and directs you down a passage to your right.

You pass by several caged rooms, which remind you of prison cells. There are skeletons and wall carvings, all reminiscent of your typical medieval dungeon. You peer into one cell and spot an odd sight: dozens of cans of Tab soda stacked on top of one another in some weird construct. You don’t pause to investigate though, there’s shit to be done.

You walk through a stone archway, decorated with hundreds of odd, scrawling symbols, and finally you’re face to face with the portal/pit.

Well, maybe _face to face_ isn’t an accurate term, since the pit doesn’t really have a face. You’re glad that it doesn’t. You would be freaked the fuck out if it did.

You kneel down at the lip of the portal and gaze into the black abyss. It’s a swirling mass of black and dark purple, undulating and rising like the waves of an ocean tide.

“So what’s the next…” You look over your shoulder for Rose and find her cemented against the nearby wall, staring at the pit with a mixture of horror and disgust.

This is the final straw for you. There’s no way in LOHAC that you’re letting Rose anywhere near her former prison.

“Alright, Rose.” You stand up and move to her side, grabbing her arm gently and pulling her towards the door. You take The Tumor from her stiff fingers. “Why don’t you tell me what to do and I’ll go blow up the sun. You wait here and keep watch, okay?”

Rose shakes her head furiously, her lips pressed together tightly.

“Rose?” You tuck The Tumor under your arm and put your other hand on her shoulder, holding her steady. “Look at me, Lalonde.”

She’s shaking like a leaf, staring at you with wide eyes and shaking her head over and over again.

“Okay, fuck this.” You pull her out into the hallway and stand her against one of the walls, facing away from the pit of Horrorterrors. “You stay here.” You point to the ground between her sneakers. “I’ll be right back.”

You take one step towards the door and back towards the pit, when her hand latches onto your forearm in a vice-like grip.

“John, no!” She shouts.

“I have to, Rose.” You try to pry her fingers off of you. “There’s no way you’re going in there. I’ll figure out how to use the bomb and I’ll come back. I promise.”

“No, John. You don’t understand.” She’s finding her voice again, now that the pit is out of her sight. “There’s something I didn’t tell you. This is a one-way trip, there is no coming back!”

Well, that sure gives you pause.

“Rose…” You squeeze your eyes shut. “When were you going to tell me this?”

“I… I don’t know. I was just going to…” Her voice breaks. “I’m sorry, John. I guess there’s no other way of doing this.”

“Doing what?” You watch her release your arm and reach for her waist.

Her wand is in her hand and you react far too late to avoid the blast of magical energy that hits you in the chest. You fly backwards and crash into the metal bars of one of the prison cells. As you flop to the ground like a sack of useless flour, your vision starts to fade. The last thing you see before everything goes black are the tears running down Rose’s face.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently standing above your best friend, watching him look up at you with his big blue eyes, a mixture of betrayal and utter sadness contorting his features. You watch John slump into a heap and go still.

“Please don’t be dead.” You drop next to him, tears and snot flowing from your face as if a valve has been sprung. “Come on, please don’t be…”

He’s dead.

You may have put too much force behind that spell than you had originally intended. What was meant to render him unconscious has hence cut his life short for the… third time? You watch the blood gush from a wound in the back of his head, hot and sticky, pooling around his crumpled form.

An angry swipe across your face with your sleeve only manages to cover your already ruined dress with disgusting body fluids. You feel so weak right now. Walking down the stairs, following John, you had psyched yourself up for your reunion with your Horrorterror companions. Yet, when faced with the eldritch beasts, you had failed to maintain your composure.

In your panic, you had lashed out at a friend and ended his life.

You had always known that the trip to blow up the Green Sun would result in either one or both of your deaths. You had made a vow to keep John alive.

_“Well done, Rose. We are sooo proud of you.”_

You are alone again, therefore the voices are back.

_“You’re not alone, Rose. Never alone.”_

You stand up, stow away your wands, and retrieve The Tumor. John won’t stay dead forever. However bad you might feel for committing murder, it was a cheap shot. John didn’t die a hero and he didn’t die a villain.

He will come back, but by then you will be long gone.

“I’m sorry, John.” You don’t look at his corpse. You don’t even grant him that common courtesy. You are so weak. “Goodbye.”

Your footsteps sound much louder here than they did in the stairwell. Something about it being just one set of feet just makes it that much deafening. You pause just outside of the stone archway, with its beautiful engravings depicting The Last Great War of Time between the Horrorterrors and the inhabitants of the other six rings. It’s quite a beautiful story actually, consisting of unrequited love, horrendous treachery, and the odd raunchy encounter.

You probably would have had a good laugh with John over the story, if he wasn’t dead and you weren’t about to commit suicide of course.

A deep breath surges up your nostrils and slowly billows from between your lips. You can do this. You _have_ to do this. There is no one else. You have already made sure of that.

You take one step, then the clapping starts.

One, two, three, four, five. They are slow claps, each one ringing with mirth and condescension.

“Well done Human, bravo indeed.” Comments a nasally voice that you already hate. “It seems that you have just made my job fifty percent easier.”

You turn around. It’s a troll, with a streak of purple in his black hair and a billowing cape adorning his shoulders. He glares at you behind thick-rimmed glasses and holds a silver wand between his many-ringed fingers.

“Do I know you?” You ask clutching The Tumor closer to your chest and trying to imagine how long it would take for you to grab one of your wands from your waist.

“No, you don’t.” The troll examines his fingernails with mild interest. “I’m not known to associate with _Humans_. They’re much too uncouth for my company.”

“Well then, perhaps you should turn around and leave before my _uncouth_ -ness taints your pretentious aura.” You figure that you can drop The Tumor and blast away this ridiculous looking troll with a well-placed spell before he can even raise is wand. But then again, your hand is slick with sweat and your face is sticky with salty tears and mucus. You are not prepared for a full out strife, not when ten yards behind you lies the source of your undoing.

You need to rely on the element of surprise if you are going to win. Eridan seems like the dramatic type, maybe if you get him trapped in the stubborn throes of a monologue…

“I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere.” Continues to troll. “Fore my master has instructed me to guard this portal and the Green Sun with my life and I intend to do so.”

“You’re master?” You repeat. “I thought Jack Noir wanted to kill the trolls. You do realize that he considers you to be disposable just like the imps. You’re a fool to think if you’ll ever be rewarded for your service.”

“Eridan Ampora is no fool!” The troll named Eridan snaps. “Those nook-whiffing, miserable excuse for trolls you call friends are the fools! It doesn’t matter though, they are all long dead. Jack Noir has already given me great power.” His hand holding the wand starts to rise and you drop The Tumor. “Unstoppable power!” He screams.

**STIRFE!**

Your first spell goes wild, bouncing off the ceiling and ricocheting down the corridor behind him. He is similarly unlucky, sending his own spell whizzing past your ear, only forcing the hairs on the back of your neck to stand erect.

This fight might be more evenly matched than you earlier thought. Your current lack of concentration equals Eridan’s lack of experience. If you can just clear your mind of all confusing thoughts pertaining to a certain dead teenager lying near your feet, then you can easily dispatch this magician wannabe.

You perform a graceful pirouette, simultaneously dodging the next spell sent your way and leaping over John’s body. You’re putting distance between yourself and the Horrorterror pit, hopefully reducing their influence on you.

_“You can’t win this fight without us. Use us to win, Rose.”_

“SHUT UP!!!” You shriek and slash both of your wands through the air in a complicated maneuver towards a confused looking Eridan.

Your spell charges down the corridor with the strength and speed of a freight train, bearing down on your foe. Eridan gives a shrill squeak and dives out of the way, flattening himself against the wall and allowing your spell to tear past him.

For a brief moment the entire corridor goes from dully illuminated to bright as day. You can clearly see John, still as ever, and Eridan, whose face is the perfect image of fear. He’s just realized that he might have bitten off more than he could chew, and something about that fills you with a sick glee.

_“Yes! Kill him! Kill! Kill! Kill!”_

Your hand moves of its own accord, pointing your wand directly at Eridan’s chest. One more spell and it will be over, you can kill this troll and get down to the business of killing yourself. Your hand starts the shake and the voices continue to chant, _Kill! Kill! Kill!_ , with fervor, building up with excitement towards a vicious crescendo.

_“KILL HIM! JOIN US ONCE AGAIN!”_

You wish John wasn’t dead. You’re head was always clear when he was around, not filled with thoughts of darkness and ambition and violence and hesitation. The Horrorterrors are the masters of indoctrination, planting a seed within your own mind, making it hard to discern your own thoughts from theirs. It’s a horrible and slow process twisting your own HOLY SHIT ERIDAN IS CASTING A SPELL!

The spell hits you on the shoulder (good thing Eridan’s aim still sucks) and sends you spinning through the air like a Rose Lalonde-shaped Frisbee. You flip backwards down the corridor, quickly thinking of some spell that will assist you in landing as painlessly as possible. Nothing comes to mind though, your thoughts are still as scrambled as… something scrambled.

Eggs or something.

You have better things to do right now than formulate shitty metaphors like your ridiculous ecto-brother.

Squiddles and yarn balls dance alternately around your head when you slam into the ground, sliding a few extra yards just in case you weren’t disoriented enough.

_“GET UP, YOU FOOL! FIGHT OR DIE!”_

You’re inclined to agree with the voices this time, as you are most certainly a goner if you don’t defend yourself. You shake your head, clearing it quickly, and cast about for your wands. They are nowhere to be seen though, having flown from your grasp upon landing.

Rolling onto your stomach, you try to push yourself to your feet, but another blast of magical energy collides with your back, with an incredible amount of heat. You cry out and fall onto your face, writhing in pain.

This really sucks.

A thin-fingered hand grips your shoulder none too gently and flips you onto your back. Eridan stands above you, smirking like a total douchebag. He’s won and he knows it. Once again you’ve managed to fail everyone who mattered. John, Dave, and Jade, all of the trolls. Your mother, who’s still alive, held prisoner by Jack Noir.

You didn’t blow up the Green Sun. You didn’t kill yourself. You’ll never going to publish your series of fantasy novels under the pseudonym _Violet Tsirblou._

Eridan raises his want to strike the killing blow and you close your eyes.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are once again John Egbert. Which means that once again, a member of the female species has gotten the drop on you.

How many times are you going to be murdered in this game? You’re only half interested in finding out the true response to that question, since the answer is probably really depressing.

You cannot believe that Rose did that to you. After all that you two have been through together!

You guess it’s sort of noble that she wanted to keep you from undergoing a suicide mission, but instead of simply talking and explaining the situation like the rational person you expected her to be, she straight up murdered you.

“Gah!” You huff, throwing your hands in the air. “ _Women!_ ”

You redirect your attention to your computer screen, intent on messaging Dave and asking for advice concerning the dangers of feminine wiles, when you realize that you’re dead and you shouldn’t be in your room, sitting in front of your computer.

“Uh… what the hell?” You push away from you desk and stand up, turning to examine your bed, closet, and chest of random gubbins.

This can’t be real. Last time you checked you were in Jack Noir’s castle, being murdered by one of your closest friends.

Is this a dream? Is this the afterlife?

You stand in the middle of the room, pinching your skin and biting at your tongue. It feels real, but then again, maybe your subconscious just knows what it’s supposed to feel like and is throwing up imitations of actual feeling?

 Or maybe SBURB was the dream and this is real life?

Have you fallen asleep at your computer again and just dreamed the whole thing? Was all that stuff about trolls and your friends and your Dad, just some crazy stress induced fever-dream?

There’s only one way to find out. You start towards the door. You’re going to find your Dad and ask him about everything. You’re going to find some answers.

You wrap your hand around the doorknob and suddenly your computer beeps from behind you. Now you have a choice to make, do you go pester one of your chums or do you find your Dad.

If you pester one of your chums, then you might receive some answers to what is truly going on. If you go to your Dad, you will receive confirmation on what is truly going on. However, what if your Dad isn’t there? What if he _is_ and he’s dead, just like he was on that spire?

You sit down at your computer chair, head buzzing with questions and see that it is not one of your friends pestering you, but a person whose name you don’t recognize.

“Joooooooohn!” The text says. “I can’t 8elieve this is happening! You’re finally here ::::D”

“what are you talking about? who is this?” You respond.

“Answer my call.” The text responds and a second later a message pops up:

arachnidsGrip has invited ectoBiologist to a voice chat!

“i’m not doing anything until you tell me who you are.” You say, defiant.

“Uggggggggh. Don’t you remem8er me, Pupa?”

You re-read the last sentence a few times. They called you _Pupa._

“… vriska?”

“Yes! I knew you were smart, John. It’s me!” The text exclaims. “Vriska!”

 You answer the call and immediately Vriska is chattering away in your headset.

“So… How’s it feel to be dead, yet again? Pretty lame huh, what is it with you and dying? I mean, come on. “ She laughs. “Anyways, I can’t believe my plan actually worked! This is incredible!”

“What plan, what are you talking about?” You ask. “Vriska tell me what is going on.”

“You died and since it was neither heroic nor just, you’ll rejoin the living in a few minutes. Right now though, you’re in a Dream Bubble, a Dream Bubble that _I_ created.”

“You made this?” You cast a glance around your room again. “Vriska, none of this is making any sense! What are you doing here? How did you make this? What is a dream bubble?”

“Fuh, that’s a lot of questions.” Vriska laughs, but it dies off quickly. “Listen, this is kind of hard to explain. Maybe it would go easier if we talked in person?”

“Okay, where are you?”

“Outside.”

You tear off your headset and stand up, crossing to your bedroom window. Sure enough, Vriska is standing in your front yard, dark hair clashing horribly with the blanket of snow.

Without a second thought, you race from your room and down the stairs, to the front door, and out into the world. Vriska hasn’t moved, she’s just standing there waiting for you. She’s exactly as you remembered her, robotic arm and missing eye, tattered shirt and broken sunglasses, there’s no doubt in your mind that it’s your Vriska.

“Oh, man. I’ve missed you.” You run up and give her a hug, burying your face in her mass of tangled hair and not even minding when one of her horns scratches a quarter of an inch away from your eye. “I mean, it feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. So much has happened and…”

“Yeah this is great and all,” Vriska cuts you off, but she’s smiling wider than you’ve ever seen her before. “But it’s really fucking cold out here.”

You just notice that she is shivering like crazy and trying to simultaneously appear indifferent and bury herself in your chest.

“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry.” You take her hand and pull her towards the door. “Let’s go inside.”

Vriska follows you into the living room where she stomps the remaining snow from her shoes, leaving wet globs to soak into the carpet. You’re having trouble caring at the moment though.

“What was all that shit?” She asks, shaking her head like a wet dog.

“What was what shit?”

“All that white shit on the ground! Don’t tell me that you didn’t see it.”

“Oh that was snow, it’s like frozen water that falls from the sky sometimes.”

She looks at you like you’re a lunatic.

“Are you fucking with me right now?”

“No I’m being serious.” You laugh. “What? You guys don’t have that on Alternia?”

“No, of course not. That sounds like an incredibly stupid thing to happen.”

“Oh, well Jade’s land in the game was covered in snow. At least that’s what she told me. The Land of Frost and Frogs and all that. “

“Hmmm.” Vriska hums, sounding a little skeptical, and proceeds to look around the interior of your home. “So this is your hive, huh? It could be worse.”

“Thanks, I think.” A thought crosses your mind. “So, if you created this place,” You gesture around vaguely. “Did you by any chance put my Dad in here?”

Vriska shakes her head as she moves to go investigate one of your Dad’s many harlequin statues.

“Nope, only players can create Dream Bubbles and only players can _enter_ Dream Bubbles.”  She knocks the statue on it’s side and turns back to face you. “Your adult male guardian is dead, isn’t he?”

“You don’t know?” You ask, moving over to stand the statue back up.

“I don’t know anything that’s happened since I’ve died. I just created this Dream Bubble in the very likely chance that you would die again, so that I could talk to you.”

You stare at Vriska for what feels like an eternity. You’re nearly positive that you’ve heard her wrong, or that she’s said the wrong thing. She doesn’t correct herself though, or clarify or anything else. Vriska just stares right back at you, waiting.

“You’re… dead?” You reach out and press your palm into her cheek. Her face is warm and her sharp cheek bone digs into you.

“Yeah, I’m super dead. Long gone and buried.” She steps away from you and points towards the stairs. “Is this the way to your room?”

Vriska doesn’t wait for a response before jogging up the stairs. You follow after her, tripping over your own feet.

“What do you mean, _you’re dead_? What happened? How did you die?”

She doesn’t respond. You grit your teeth and follow her to the top of the stairs, where you see her pulling open the door to the hall closet.

“Ah fuck!” She shrieks and jumps back when a bucket tumbles out and onto to the floor. “What the fuck, John!”

“Oh! I’m sorry!” You rush forward and grab the bucket, stuffing it back into the closet and out of sight.

“Jegus, I knew you liked me, Pupa, but I literally just stepped into your house.” Vriska shoots you a wink, causing heat to rise into your cheeks.

“Shut up, I still have no idea what buckets even have to do with… _that_.” You walk to the correct door and lead the way into your room.

“You know that you can call it _sex_ if you want to. I won’t tell anyone.” Vriska sneers, brushing past you. “Hmmm.  This will do just fine.”

“For what?” You ask. “And you haven’t answered _any_ of my questions.”

“Well there’s no point in having a serious conversation, if we aren’t comfortable.” Vriska sinks onto your bed. “Why don’t you tell me how your sloppy rescue mission went?”

“Well, a little different than we originally planned.” You admit. “But we got Rose out okay and we were going to blow up the Green Sun when she killed me.”

“Looks like Little Miss Perfect, isn’t so perfect, huh?”

“What don’t you like about her anyways?” You lean against your desk, not trusting yourself to join Vriska on the bed without getting distracted.

“Just this feeling I get.” Vriska brushes you off. “I’ve recently learned to follow my first instincts with people.”

There’s a long silence then, as Vriska squeezes her fists on her knees and looks at something you can’t see. You decide to try again:

“Vriska, are you really dead?”

Her one eye falls upon yours and with a small frown, she answers:

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“Well…” She puts her hand to her chin, pretending to think. “Let me see. You left me behind, John.”

You sigh heavily and break eye contact with her.

“I didn’t… I didn’t want you to get hurt.” You tell the floor.

“Job well done then.” She crosses her arms and turns away from you.

Neither one of you speak for a while. You think that by now you’d be use to uncomfortable silences, but you aren’t. Something tells you that you’re never going to be used to the silence.

“I still don’t understand how…”

“Terezi killed me.” Vriska cuts you off again. “To stop me from going after you.”

“She did?”

“You bet. We fought for a while, but she eventually won using some of her underhanded, deceitful, stupid tactics.”

“I’m sorry. I thought you and her were friends.”

“Well we aren’t.” Vriska snaps “She’s a lunatic with a dragon fetish.”

You shift your weight from foot to foot, thinking of something to say.

“Is there… is there anything I can do for you? To bring you back, I mean.”

“Yes! Actually there is.” Vriska bounces to her feet and moves towards you. You flinch when she grabs you by the shoulders. “Jack Noir is the Black King, right?”

You nod.

“And since he’s the Black King, do you know what that means he has?” She continues.

“It means…” You wrack your brains. “It means he has a Black Queen?”

“No, idiot. It means that he has The Ring.”

“The one ring to rule them all?”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

Vriska takes your hand in both of hers and indicates your left ring finger, where a ring would go.

“Jack Noir, as the Black King, has a ring of power.  You can use it to bring me back to life.”

“Alright, sounds easy enough.” You smile at Vriska, happy to have a chance to make things up to her. “Consider it done.”

“Yes! I knew I could count on you, John!” She closes the distance between you and presses a wet kiss to your lips. “You’re the best Matesprit ever.”

You’re still smiling like an idiot when she pulls away.

“Well, that’s really all I had to say.” She says, brushing at some of the hair on your forehead. “It’s really good to see you, Pupa, but I think our time is about up. When you wake up, get back at Rose, destroy the sun, and find Jack.”

“Uh, I’ll do my best.” You don’t think you’ll _‘get back’_ at Rose in the way that she intends. A stern talking-to about trust maybe, but that’s all you really have in mind. “Look, I’m really sorry that I left you behind, Vriska. I was going to come back when I got your message, but other stuff…”

“Happened.” Vriska finishes. “Yeah I got it.”

“So I guess, I’ll just go then.”

“Yeah.”

On a whim, you turn and start towards your bedroom door.

“Hey, John.”

“Yeah?” You turn.

“Try not to die again, okay?” She smirks. “But just in case you do, I’ll be here waiting for you.”

“Alright.” You smile at her. “I’ll bring you back Vriska, I promise.”

You open your bedroom door and wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to finish up the John/Rose/Green Sun story in this chapter, but obviously that didn't happen. It was just starting to run a little long. We'll wrap this up next chapter and get back to the rest of the many characters.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	14. ACT 2 - PART 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to theguy for commenting.

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently about to be murdered by a troll who has too big of an ego and too little common sense to understand that he’s playing for the wrong team.

By ‘ _wrong team’_ you mean Jack Noir’s Team, of course.

Eridan is gazing down at you with a wild gleam in his eye, obviously ecstatic with his triumph over you and the reward he’ll receive from his new master for a job well done. You can imagine that Eridan’s repot will most likely be a glorified exaggeration of what actually took place, highlighting what little skill he has, whilst downplaying your own proficiency.

You can tell that from that wry little grin and the delicate way that he holds his wand how much of a badass he thinks he is. You’re almost looking forward to being dead, so that you can get away from this smug asshole.

You close your eyes and await the slimy, cold, sickeningly tender embrace of death.

“ _You are such a disappointment, Rose Lalonde.”_

It’s kind of depressing that the last voice you will hear will be the silky smooth tones of decaying mental state. What a rude thing to say too.

You aren’t a stranger to disappointment. Many a times you’ve been on both ends of a letdown. Coming home to your mother, passed out on the sofa, or getting online to chat with Dave and being forced to listen to his new ‘ _masterpiece’_ of disturbing and mildly-homoerotic musical nonsense.

Were you selfish to want so much out of life? It always seemed like your mother wanted something from you.

No matter how hard you pressed your back into the chair it was always “ _Sit a little straighter, Rose._

Whatever combination of t-shirts and skirts that you wore it was always _“You should put on more color, Rose.”_

Maybe that’s why you liked video games so much. There are rules, guidelines, an instruction manual. There’s a way to win and a way to lose, nothing is grey and everything is either wrong or right. You’re good at them too, maybe not as good as Dave, but definitely better than John or Jade.

It’s a fun escape when you’re mind is a little too weary and your pen is a little too heavy. Writing literature is your passion, but video games are your obsession. Video games also just might be the death of you.

You realize that Eridan is talking.

“Any last words, Human scum?” He squeaks merrily.

Man, you really, _really_ hate this guy.

You keep your stoic lips pursed and your violet eyes sealed, protecting your last soggy dregs of dignity.

“Nope?” Eridan mocks. “Nothing? Well, I didn’t think- ARGH!”

Well that certainly wasn’t the parting phrase you were expecting to go along with your impending execution. You decide to crack your eye open a fraction of an inch, in order to see what caused Eridan to utter such an expletive.

John is standing there, looking down at Eridan’s crumpled form and holding his large hammer above his head, poised to strike to troll again. Your heart soars in your chest only to fly to close to the sun and melt when you get a good look at your friend’s face.

Or should you say: former friend’s face.

You’ve never seen John angry before, so it’s kind of a harrowing experience to look up and see his generally smooth features contorted by the machinations of the red mist. You don’t blame him for being angry, since you did kill him after all. No matter how good intentioned your actions were, he still got hurt in the process. You’ll be surprised if he ever forgives you. Hell, you’ll be surprised if _you_ ever forgive you.

John’s looking down at Eridan still, gauging whether or not the troll is still a threat. When the magician-wannabe doesn’t move, John shifts his attention to you, causing your heart to pound a frantic Moroccan beat against the inside of your rib cage.

You chest is a mixture of hot and cold emotions, half wanting John to strike you down for your crimes and half wanting him to wrap you in his wide arms, crushing you in one of his signature hugs.

“Who the fuck is this guy?” He asks instead, pointing to figure at his feet.

Your mouth opens and closes a few times until your tongue starts to formulate words.

“Uh, his name is Eridan.” You say. “One of the trolls who’s seemed to have defected.”

John pauses to think for a moment.

“Hmmm. Eridan, Eridan. That sounds really familiar.” He plants the head of his hammer against the ground and leans against it. “I think your troll friend, Kanaya, mentioned something about him. That was a while ago though.”

John steps forward and you flinch when he offers you his hand.

“What are you doing?” You ask, watching his proffered appendage warily.

“Uh,” John looks from his hand to you. “I thought it was obvious.” He shakes his hand a little in front of your face.

This can’t be right. It seems too good to be true. You must be dead. Eridan killed you while you were musing over your tragic childhood and analyzing your favorite pastimes.

“Hey, Rose.” John says.

You look up into his face and find that it’s still strained, although not with anger like you had thought. It takes a moment for you to realize that John looks incredibly sad.

“You think I should be mad, right?” He retracts his hand slightly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m upset that you didn’t trust me enough and…”

“John, no.” You interrupt. “I trust you more than...”

“As I was saying!” John raises his voice slightly and you’re a little ticked that he cut you off, exactly like you had done. “I’m upset that you didn’t trust me and that you killed me.”

You look away from him, blinking furiously so that he can’t see the moisture forming in your eyes. He continues speaking.

“But you are _not_ gonna believe what happened while I was dead.”

John tells you about waking up in his room, talking to dead Vriska, Dream Bubbles, the one ring to rule them all which can bring dead Vriska back to life, and of course dead Vriska. Did you mention dead Vriska?

Actually you _didn’t_ mention dead Vriska, not like you were supposed to. John found out for himself just like Dave prophesized he would. Man, you really hate when that prick is right about something. Anyways, it’s time to face the reckoning. You don’t know how John will react, but you’re intent on making sure that you take a hundred percent of the blame for keeping him in the dark.

“Isn’t that crazy though?!” John finishes. “I mean, we need to message Karkat and tell him what Terezi did. That blind troll could be dangerous!”

“John,” You begin, clambering to your feet unassisted. The burning spell that Eridan hit you with stings as your dress rubs against the tender area it struck. You wince as you talk. “Karkat already knows that Terezi killed Vriska. In fact, everyone knows. I’m also afraid that there is crucial information that Vriska neglected to mention.”

You take no pleasure in explaining how Vriska killed two of her fellow trolls before Terezi put Vriska down herself. John’s face flashes a serious of rapid fire emotions, from sadness, to horror, and eventually just plain old confusion.

“So what are you saying?” John asks. “Did Vriska… lie to me?”

“By omission. She most likely didn’t want to… tarnish your opinion of her.” You catch yourself sugarcoating things again. You resolve to never lie to John again. “What I mean to say is: Vriska lied to make sure that you’ll do everything in your power to bring her back to life, when in reality that might not be the best idea.”

“You think I should leave Vriska dead?”

“I think that Vriska got what she…” You catch yourself again.

“Yes, John. I think Vriska should remain dead.” You realize that you have forsaken any sensitivity in favor of complete honesty. You wonder how John manages to stay so sincere, yet so… human.

“What if she’s changed though? What if dying made her realize the error of her ways?” He asks, but continues talking before you can answer. “Aren’t we supposed to kill Jack Noir anyways? When we beat him, we’ll get the ring and then we can do whatever we want with it, right?”

“I don’t know.” You answer honestly. “I don’t know much about the Black King’s ring, except that it’s incredibly powerful. It might not even work for us. Vriska might be wrong or any number of things could happen.”

John paces, moving from wall to wall and tripping over the unconscious Eridan twice. You wonder what he’s thinking, which is strange since you can usually read John like an open book.

“I’m not going to worry about it now.” He says. “Vriska isn’t going anywhere and I don’t think we’ll be fighting Jack Noir anytime soon. When the time comes where I have the ring, I’ll… think of something.”

“Vriska is dangerous, John.” You say quietly, almost hoping that he won’t hear. He does though.

“You don’t know the first thing about her.” He snaps, coming to a stop in front of you. “If you two could just get to know one another, then maybe you would actually get along.”

Something about that phrase gets you thinking. The way he says ‘ _one another’_ , like he isn’t just addressing you. Vriska must harbor some not so subtle animosity towards you. That’s interesting. You wonder what you could have possibly done to entice such feelings.

“I can’t do anything besides give my honest opinion.” You decide to bring this conversation to a close, since there are equally important matters playing out a little closer to the present. “And I should apologize for not telling you about Vriska sooner, and not making you aware of every facet of my plan, and for murdering you, of course.”

“I forgive you.” John says instantly. “Even though you kind of acted like a total dick and everything, I get why you did a lot of that stuff.”

You force a smile in response to John’s genuine grin. If all is forgiven then why is it that you feel more like a bitch than ever?

“So anyway,” John coughs after a moment. “This whole, one way trip to blow up the Green Sun. There isn’t a way around that is there?”

“No.” You shake your head. “If we just throw The Tumor straight into the pit, the Horrorterrors will reject it. The Tumor must be delivered by something not just alive, but with a soul and mind that the Horrorterrors will welcome with open arms, or tentacles. You get the picture.”

John paces once more. You allow him the chance to think. Even though you know it’s very unlikely that he’ll find some loophole that you missed, you own him this time to muse, at the extreme least.

“Can’t we just strap The Tumor to this guy and chuck him in?” John prods Eridan with his toe.

“No, we…” You stop yourself from instantly shooting him down and instead take a second to process what John actually said. “Son of a bitch that might actually work.”

“Really?” John seems just as surprised at his idea as you are.

“Yes,” You step closer to John, excited. “If Eridan remains unconscious, then he will not fight the Horrorterror’s influence. He will be taken directly into the heart of seventh ring, not exactly to the Green Sun, but close enough so that the blast will still destroy it.”

“Will the Horrorterrors die too?”

“Of course, but what is success without a little addendum?” You look down at Eridan. His mouth is drawn up into another smug little smile. Even when he’s unconscious he’s a piece of shit. “Are you okay with Eridan dying as well?” You ask John.

“Well,” John scratches his chin. “If I have to choose between one of us or him, then it’s pretty straightforward. Plus he’s evil, right? I saw him try to kill you.”

“He is pretty evil.” You kneel down and relieve Eridan of his weapon, tucking his wand into the sash tied around your slim waist. “I just want to make sure that you understand what you’re doing here. There aren’t going to be anymore secrets between us, John. You’re fully aware that this troll is going to die?”

“Yeah,” John stares straight down at the person he’s about to execute. “Eridan made his choice. He chose which side he stands on.”

As John watches your prisoner, you watch him, carefully taking note of his expression and posture. He seems resigned to the grim task set upon him. He’s put up with too much shit to not fully appreciate the gravity of the situation. He’s becoming the friendleader that you need him to be.

“Well then there’s nothing left to discuss.” You move past John to grab The Tumor off the ground.

“For now, at least.” John agrees and he stoops down to grab Eridan under the shoulders.

He drags the troll down the corridor, towards the Horrorterror pit, and you follow closely. You examine The Tumor, searching for a seam in the jagged surface of the sphere. It’s composed of two pieces, a black half and a white half, which you assume break apart during detonation. You find a tiny groove and dig your fingernail in, flipping out a tiny display.

413

It’s a timer, but you already know this. The Tumor was featured quite descriptively in Kanaya’s archives. The female troll was quite industrious in her record keeping and for not the first time, you appreciate her diligence.

John flops Eridan at the lip of the portal and stands back, gazing into the black abyss. You busy yourself with The Tumor, making sure that will fulfill its duties without a hitch. It really isn’t the bomb you should be worried about though, it’s whether or not the Horrorterrors are smart enough to know that this is a trap.

“Are you feeling okay?” John asks abruptly, causing you to jump slightly.

“Of course.” You respond, not looking up from your work. “We’re about to rid the universe of these horrible eldritch terrors and blow up The Green Sun in one fell swoop. I’ve never felt better.”

“No. I mean, are you feeling okay after that fight. You’re moving kind of gingerly.”

Now that you think about it, your back really is killing you. You can feel the tender beginnings of a nasty burn.

“How does my back look?” You face away from John.

“Normal, I guess.” You sense him move forward. “Does it hurt?”

You feel his fingers brush between your shoulder blades and you bite back a cry of pain, hissing quietly instead. John doesn’t miss it though.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Just one of Eridan’s spells. He managed to get a lucky shot off.” You face John again, putting your back out of harm’s way. “My dress isn’t burned?”

“No, it looks fine.”

“Interesting, maybe Jack Noir actually _did_ teach him some spells after all.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yes. There’s some slight discomfort but nothing I can’t manage.” You show John the Tumor, effectively changing the subject. “This is set to explode. Are we ready to do this?”

“I think so.”

He stands off to the side as you secure The Tumor to Eridan’s chest with some of your precious yarn. You can feel the slight magnetic tug of the Horrorterrors to your right and something about knowing that a few feet away is the source of your real-life nightmares make it difficult for you to tie knots efficiently.

Eventually John has to step in, gently moving away your shaking fingers and finishing the job.

“Okay,” You wipe some sweat from your brow. “Let me get it started.”

You press a button on The Tumor, fixated underneath the small display.

413, 412, 411, 410.

“I should probably toss him in now.” John says.

“That sounds fair to me.” You respond.

Despite his reasoning earlier and the hard frown hammered onto his face, John hesitates. He’s holding Eridan by his stupid cape and looking into the pit, completely motionless. You’re about to take the lead and throw Eridan in yourself, but John finally grits his teeth and hurls the troll/bomb combo into the air.

Eridan does a graceful flip, carried aloft by a strong wind, and you resist the urge to shoot off a middle finger, maybe two, as the metro-sexual troll disappears into the inky black abyss.

The pair of you stand there for a while, simply staring as the black sea ripples like the surface of a lake before going eerily still. You look at John out of the corner of your eye and he’s as still as a statue. His arms are locked firmly at his side and his expression is a good imitation of Dave’s best poker face.

You start to wonder if maybe you’ve been going about things all wrong. The whole reason you didn’t tell John about Vriska previously is that you wanted to preserve his spirit. You wanted him to stay the same old John with whom you’ve spent many a late night, talking online about anything and everything that came into your mind.

He’s changing though and you realize that now. The old John could never have thrown Eridan to his death. Maybe _you_ are the bad influence on John, instead of Vriska. It’s not a pleasant thought, but then again, compared to Vriska, you haven’t done much to help John improve himself. You feel like more a detriment than an asset at the moment.

Will any of you ever have a chance of going back to who you used to be before the game started? You certainly hope so. For John’s sake and Dave’s and Jades, and maybe yours.

You feel something warm brush against your hand and you look down to find that John’s fingers are searching for yours.

You grab his hand and look up from your interlaced fingers to see him staring at you.

“So, uh.” He begins. “Should we go see the fireworks?”

“What?” You ask, confused. Then you realize what he’s saying. “Oh, yeah! Let’s go see.”

He laughs and leads the way out of the dungeon. You both race up the stairs, up through the castle, through the main hall and out into the LOWAS wilderness.

“There it is.” John points up and sure enough the sun is proudly hanging from the sky like the pendulum of some grandfather clock.

“Not for long.” You lean against John, glad that he’s built solid enough to support your weight. You’re suddenly feeling very tired.

You stare up, squinting against the harsh glare of the sunlight and wait for it to be extinguished.

You wait and wait and wait and wait.

John shuffles awkwardly and you start chewing on your nails, a nervous habit that you thought you’d shaken years ago. You wait and wait some more, before waiting again.

Eventually it happens.

A dot of light erupts next to the sun and steadily grows in intensity, eventually you have to shut your eyes to protect yourself from the brightness. You hear John gasp and you cover your shut eyes with the back of your hand, further sheltering yourself. It’s a shame really. You were looking forward to watching your plan triumph.

Slowly, almost cautiously, the light begins to fade. It feels like a few minutes pass before you feel confident enough to risk taking a peek at the sky again. The first thing you notice is that it’s not completely dark out, in fact, if anything it’s even brighter out now.

You look up and your breath catches in your throat.

“Oh.” John says.

You have to agree with your friend.

“Yeah.” You mutter.

There are now two suns hanging in the sky, one small and bright, which had always been there, and another one, very large and very green.

“So… We _created_ a green sun?” John asks.

“I- I think so.” You answer.

“Oh… fuck.”

**FACE PALM COMBO x4**

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are now Jade Harley. If you ever see another mushroom, you’re pretty sure you’re gonna flip some massive shit.

“Open up, Harley.” Dave croons ironically. “Here comes the motherfuckin plane.”

You smack the spoon out of Dave’s hand, sending its contents splattering on the wall of Karkat’s bedroom.

“Cut it out!” You snarl. “I told you I wasn’t hungry.”

“Well you’re not leaving this room until all your vegetables are gone.” Dave scoops up another dollop of mushroom paste. “Now open your mouth and take it.”

“Ew.”

“You know what I mean.”

You huff and cross your arms, turning away from Dave and warding off anymore of his doting behavior. The pair of you are still in the troll’s abandoned base, waiting for John and Rose to finally show the fuck up.

You’d woken up a few hours ago, lightheaded and weak, but thankfully alive thanks to Dave’s tender loving care. The ointment that he had found actually worked pretty well, keeping your wounds sealed and urging along the healing process. If only the mushroom stew he had made was as helpful.

Dave is a lot of things, cool, awesome, badass, handsome, but he isn’t a chef by any stretch of the imagination. He’s been known to overcook a bowl of cereal. Therefore, the food he’d prepared for you has the look and consistency of flan, without the taste or the drizzle of delicious caramel.

He pokes you in the cheek with the spoon again and you’re about to suggest a place he can shove it, when you hear something: voices.

“Dave.” You hiss.

“What?”

“Do you hear that?”

He lowers the spoon and tilts his head, reminding you of a curious dog. Rest in peace, Bec. Never forget. Dave’s been a good companion thus far. Saving your life and other stuff aside, he’s actually pretty good at helping you cope with loss. He even offered to ‘ _pore some out for your dead homie’_ when he gets the chance. You think that’s sweet.

“Sounds like people.” Dave comments. He rests your meal on the nearby table and grabs his sword. “You stay here, while I check it out.”

“Fuuuuuuck that.” You sling your legs over the side of the bed and hop to your feet. You’re a lot steadier on your own two legs now that you’ve gotten some rest. “I can cover you.”

After you had woken up, Dave had gone to rustle up some food and had stumbled upon an interesting find in one of the rooms: a harpoon gun, painted a bright blue and glowing with mystical energy. It’s not your Grandpa’s hunting rifle, but it’s better than nothing. You’re just happy to be of use again.

You grab the rifle off the ground and tuck it under your arm, smiling a doofy smile at the comfortable weight.

“That’s a negative Annie Oakley.” Dave moves towards the door. “We don’t know who could be out there.”

You and Dave both know who you _don’t_ want it to be. Another encounter with Dave’s Bro is not on your to do list. You’re too emotionally attatached to your remaining fingers to put them in harms way.

“All the more reason you need someone watching your back. Don’t be a fuckass, Dave. Let me help.” You smile at him when he casts a glance over his shoulder.

He’s frowning and most likely thinking that standing here and talking is wasting a huge amount of time. You’re inclined to agree, since whoever is out there chatting it up could be setting up some kind of ambush right now.

“If it looks like a total fuck o’ cluster, you gtfo.” Dave whispers as he opens the door quietly. “Do you follow me?”

“Like a baby duck following a mama duck.” You snicker, creeping out after Dave.

It’s scary, tiptoeing down the corridor towards the main computer room, but also kind of exciting! All this time lying around, bleeding to death, has got you itching for some real action. Now’s the time for you to work out some aggression, to prove yourself as a fighter, to kick some real life ass.

It’s John and Rose.

You squeal and drop your harpoon gun, rushing forward to tackle your two friends off of their feet.

“OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU GUYS!” You cry as you do your best to smother the stunned pair.

John reciprocates quickly, wrapping you in a one armed hug and giving you a nice squeeze. Rose is doing a good impression of a plank of wood, but you won’t fault her on that. You’re just happy that they’re both okay!

“Hey, Jade. How are you feeling?” John asks, ruffling your hair in that affectionate brotherly way you’re starting to like.

“Like a gazillion bucks now that you two are here!” You bounce to your feet and give them a chance to stand as well, before assaulting them with your words. “Did you blow up the sun? How did John save you from the castle? I bet it was super awesome! Have you talked to any of the trolls? They’re all missing! Look at my hand! Dave’s a good nurse. We should call him Nurse Dave from now on. Haha.”

One edge of Rose’s lip quirks up in a tiny smirk and she looks over your shoulder to address her ecto-brother.

“Was she this chatty the whole time _you_ were with her?” She asks.

“Nope,” Dave strides forward and bumps your shoulder with his. “I got lucky. She was unconscious most of the time.”

You flip him the finger, but he doesn’t seem to care, instead he’s greeting his best bro in the whole wide world!

“Sup, Egbert.”

“Hey, Dave.”

Boys are so weird.

“Have you been taking care of my lil’ sis?” Dave throws his arm around Rose’s shoulder, just to piss her off.

“I’m more than capable of taking care of myself.” Rose answers for John and quickly slides out from under Dave’s arm. “Although I cannot deny that John has proven himself to be quite the worthy assistant.”

“Psshhh. Who are you calling ‘ _assistant’_?” Dave scoffs. “That’s your Friendleader you’re talking about. Show some damn respect.”

“Oh. Please forgive me for my insubordination, John. I do not know what came over me.”

“Apology accepted.” John steps in before Dave can shoot off another comment.

“Hello!” You say. “Jade here, lots of questions, no answers!”

“Right, sorry.” John turns to Rose. “Could you explain what we’ve been up to? I’m actually still wrapping my head around it.”

“It would be my pleasure.” You all scrounge up some intact chairs, before Rose dives head first into a convoluted story involving Horrorterrors, Grimdarkness, Jack Noir…

“Except he wasn’t Jack Noir.” She explains. “While I was being held by eldritch beasts, he’d undergone some sort of transformation. He now has the head of a dog and, I assume, all the natural abilities of one. It’s as if he bonded with an animal to…

“Bec.” You cut her off. “He must bonded with Bec after he died.”

“You’re dog?” John asks.

“Yes.” You slap a palm to your forehead. “Oh man. I don’t know what’s worse: my dog being dead or my dog being absorbed by an evil villain.”

“Your dog entered the medium?” Rose taps her chin with a delicate finger. “That’s interesting, I thought only players and guardians could be transmitted into the session.”

“Well he was sort of a guardian.” You think back to your childhood, being raised by man and beast alike on a tropical island. “He was also my best friend.”

“Is there a way we could separate them?” Dave is busy passing out bowls of mushroom stew to everyone. You decline, John woofs it down quickly, and Rose dabs her spoon with the tip of her tongue before shoving the bowl away.

“I don’t know.” Rose admits, sighing heavily. “There’s so much I don’t know.”

“That’s not your fault though.” John points to Rose’s bowl and she lets him have it. “I mean, you know the most out of anyone. You’ve been a big help.”

“But what point is knowledge without assurance that it’s accurate?” She counters and then turns to Dave. “You wouldn’t happen to have any water would you? You’d be surprised how hard that commonly disregarded liquid is to find nowadays.”

Dave looks a little displeased to suddenly find himself as a waiter of sorts, but goes and returns with a bottle of water for Rose anyways.

“Thank you very much.” She furiously tears off the top and greedily gulps down the precious, precious water.

“What do you mean by ‘ _knowledge without assurance’_?” You ask. “Did something go wrong.”

Rose and John share a look.

“Why don’t you take this one?” She passes him the water bottle and he takes it gingerly.

“Well…” John turns the bottle over in his hands. “It seems like we were wrong about The Tumor. It wasn’t a bomb, but more like an egg. I guess.”

“An egg?” Dave sits on his chair backwards, resting his arms on the head rest. He’s so fucking cool. “Please tell me that it hatched a giant baby pigeon that gobbled up the sun like it was made of breadcrumbs some old dude scattered in a city park.”

 “Not exactly. It more like…” John takes a deep breath. “Hatchedandcreatedagreensuninstead.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“It hatched and createdagreensuninstead.”

“Try that again, Bro. A little slower this time.”

“It created a Green Sun…” John is now very interested in the water bottle.

It’s very silent in the big empty room for a moment, while you and Dave try to mull over the implications of John’s words.

“So you’re saying we were tricked?” You finally deduce. “That somebody said The Tumor was one thing when it was actually something else.”

“Yes.” Rose answers simply.

“Well what the fuck does it mean then?” Dave leans forward on  his chair, tipping it dangerously. “Is Jack Noir twice as powerful now, or what?”

“Well he certainly isn’t weaker.” Rose snatches the bottle back from John and drains the rest of it. “There’s nothing we can do about it now though.”

“Rose is right. Now we need to focus on The Scratch.” John says.

“And finding the trolls.” You add.

“Right,” John agrees. “There’s so much to talk about, but we can do that on the way. The Scratch site is on LOHAC and it’s not getting any closer.”

“How do we know that The Scratch isn’t another bullshit lie, just like The Tumor was?” Dave raises a good point. “What if instead of restarting the session, it completely bones us like a bunch of low self-esteemed babes in a brothel.”

“The Scratch is a game construct.” Rose explains. “It’s a part of the core mechanics. The Tumor was an abnormality I thought we could use to our advantage, whose abilities was incredibly vague at best. Trust me on this though, The Scratch _will_ work.”

Rose’s words are good enough for you.

“Alright well let’s get going then!” You stand up. “I’m not going to sit around here any longer waiting like a little…”

You trail off when something gives off a small _pop_ from overhead. Everyone looks up to watch as something small and square descends from the hole in the ceiling, carried aloft by a tiny parachute.

“Move you bitches!” Dave grabs your arm and hauls you towards the door. You look back and see John and Rose dive behind an over turned desk, just as the box touches the ground and…

Does absolutely nothing.

The four of you are motionless, watching the sinister looking package rest on the floor among the debris of a battle all of you had missed. The box doesn’t move or make a sound or anything. It just sits there, waiting just like you guys.

“I’m gonna open it.” John says after a while.

“John, no…” Rose makes a grab for hi,, but he’s already moved out of reach.

No one else tries to stop him. You’re all as curious about the mysterious appearance of the thing as he is. John advances carefully, feet barely touching the ground as he moves closer. With a glorious amount of restraint you didn’t know he possessed, he reaches down and gently pulls the tiny parachute off the top of the box.

You see him flip open the lid and instantly lean back, as if he’s afraid something will erupt from the box. Nothing does, so he takes a peek inside.

“Uhhhhhh. Guys,” His face steadily loses blood, leaving him a pasty white. “There’s a… thing in here. Like… what the fuck?”

As one, you, Dave, and Rose step forward and crowd around John and the strange delivery. You look inside the box. Dave turns away, Rose covers her mouth, and you let loose a shrill scream.

Inside the box, is the severed hand of your grandfather. Courtesy of one Jack Noir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The four kids are together for the first time. Whooo! Next time: The Scratch 
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	15. ACT 2 - PART 6

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too. Being anyone else is sort of a waste of time compared to being someone like Dave Strider.

Or at least, that’s what you tell yourself as you shuffle along a stone path in the heart of LOHAC. After catching up with your friends for about thirty seconds, the mood had been spectacularly killed by an unexpected message.

The whole ‘box with a parachute from the heavens’ was a little overdramatic for your taste, but Rose explained that Jack Noir is a patron melodrama. You’re inclined to agree, taking into consideration his medieval castle, subterranean portal/pit, and mysteriously odd behavior. Seriously, who kills two kids, runs for the hills, and then taunts from afar with morbid airdrops?

Jack Noir. That’s who.

Jade was pretty distraught and only a speech from John you only half listened to managed to calm her down. He said something about perseverance and not letting Jack Noir know that he’s getting to her. You’ll get the abridged version from Rose later. It sounded pretty profound.

The reason John only held about forty percent of your interest was because you were busy planning your revenge. Brainwashing your Bro, killing your best friend and Rose, and then tormenting your little Harley. Let’s just say that Jack Noir has got a date with your sword. A date which will most likely end up with your sword escorting Jack Noir back to it’s pad and fucking the ever living shit out of him.

Your sword is quite the player.

“Pick up your feet.” Rose snaps from your side. “All that scuffing is giving me a migraine.”

You make a point of scrubbing your shoe across the ground, dislodging a few loose stones and sending one bouncing into a pool of nearby lava with a satisfying _hisss_. Rose shoots you a glare.

Damn, if looks could kill.

“Oh lighten up, Lalonde.” You shove your hands deep into your pockets. “You don’t need to be so serious all the time.”

“I am _not_ serious all the time.” She jabs quickly. “I just think that one of us should try to keep in mind how important our current mission is.”

She shoots another pointed look. This time you’re lucky enough to not be the target, instead she’s scowling up at the sky.

John and Jade are living it up, having a regular blast, cart-wheeling across the smoky LOHAC sky to the rhythmic song of many whoops and hollers. Jade had leapt at the chance to fly with John, throwing herself onto his back with enough force to knock him over once again.

Now that they’re airborne though, it seems unlikely that their shoes will ever interact with solid ground again. Rose and you declined his offer. Not only because it seemed doubtful that John would be able to carry you all at once, but because mounting your best friend, even for some platonic flying fun-times, is not something on your to-do list.

“Let them have their fun. There’s not a lot of smiles going around these days anyway.” You say. “It’s as if smiles have just become a rare material in some foreign country and now all the hunters are grabbing their rifles, hoping to make a quick buck off of some poached grins.”

“Regardless, they could give away our position.”

“Our position?” You repeat. “Are you saying that The Scratch site is protected? Like we’ll have to fight our way to it?”

Rose shrugs.

“I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore.” She admits much to your surprise. “The game could start throwing every enemy at us in an attempt to thwart us, or Jack Noir himself could show up with any number of minions. He seemed to have known where to drop off that package. Therefore it’s likely that he’s been monitoring our movements.”

Well if you weren’t anxious before, you certainly are now.

“Whatever’s there waiting for us won’t be a problem. I’ll kill anything that stands in our way.”

“Even your brother?”

You skip a step and stumble over the flat ground. Thanks, Rose. Thanks a lot.

“You said Bro was brainwashed.” You have trot to catch back up. “If we run into him, I’ll just snap him out of whatever evil spell Jack Noir casted over him.”

“I said he _might_ be brainwashed. Like I’ve mentioned already: I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

She’s really beating herself up over that whole Green Sun debacle. You’ve never heard Rose admit that she doesn’t know something. Now she’s said it twice in the last two minutes.

You decide to change the subject and comfort her in one slick move.

“It’s not your fault, you know?” You begin. “This whole game is a big mystery to us and you were the only one trying to solve it. Who gives a flying fuck if your info was a little off? We’re still going to win. We’re together now and that’s everything.”

Rose rolls her eyes, but her lip quirks a bit.

“Thanks, Dave. You’re words are appreciated along with your uncharacteristic optimism.” She bumps into you playfully. “I’ve always known you were a big softie at heart.”

“You’re right about that. I’m like a human crescent roll. Flaky on the outside, yet soft and warm on the inside. Don’t eat me too quick though, right out of the oven I’m liable to burn your tongue.”

“Wonderful metaphor.”

“Damn straight.

You hear Jade screech above your head and you glance up to see John coming out of a complicated looking aerial maneuver. Rose is also looking up, although her expression is almost… wistful instead of impressed. You raise your eyebrows

“You could have flown if you wanted to.” You say. “I’m sure John would have liked to have two ladies hanging off of him at once. I wouldn’t have minded walking by my lonesome.”

Rose starts, as if she’s been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. Your brows move higher.

“What? Oh, no I don’t like flying very much.” She brushes her hair casually. “It’s a little too hectic in my opinion. Maybe after John practices some more…”

She trails off and you’re eyebrows are now in danger of disappearing into your hair.

“What?!” She turns on you. “Why are you giving me that look?”

“I am giving no looks.” You smirk. “Don’t act paranoid, Lalonde.”

“I’m not acting anything, let alone paranoid.”

“Sure.”

She turns away from you with a tiny _humph_ and you go back to shuffling your feet, kicking rocks every so often. You’re all but ready to endure the rest of the walk to The Scratch site in silence when Rose speaks again.

“Why are you counting your steps?” She asks randomly.

“What?”

“You’re counting your steps, Dave. Sixty steps followed by one kick, then the process repeats. It’s like you’re counting out minutes…” She trails off again and then realization flashes across her face. “A side effect of your new role as the Knight of Time, I see. That’s very intriguing.”

“What are you talking about?” You jab a little too quickly.

You’re already painfully aware of how your entire way of thinking has changed since you’ve reached god tier status. Everything you do has an order to it, a sort of unconscious synchronization that forces every movement, every thought, to happen in chronological order. You don’t need Rose to tell you that you’re currently being driven insane by the unstoppable passage of time. You’re already well aware.

“I’m merely making observations.” Rose says, slightly defensive. “It’s interesting to see how much the god tiers affect us.” She points skywards. “Besides the obvious, of course. I’ve been meaning to ask: have you experienced any time loops yet?”

“Time hoops?”

“No, time _loops_.” She suddenly looks very excited. “It’s where, through the process of time travel, you create alternate timelines, basically splitting apart our dimension into different versions, each sporting different outcomes depending on your actions.”

“Uh…” Your ecto-sister has an annoying habit of talking about nerdy stuff and expecting you understand what the fuck she is talking about. “Well, I’ve already traveled through time once. It wasn’t very enjoyable though and I don’t think I created any alternate timelines.”

“Of course you did!” Rose exclaims. “You created at least two different timeless, one where you travel through time and one where you didn’t.”

“So there’s another _me_ running around somewhere?”

“In another dimension, although I’m almost positive that you have the ability to create stable time loops, in which all time lines converge into…”

“Okay, Lalonde. Shut the fuck up before my head explodes from over exposure to knowledge.” You press your hands to either side of your head for emphasis. “I’ve already got a basic handle on this time travel shit and I don’t need you complicating things with all this technical doo daa.”

You think that maybe you’re being a dick, but Rose seriously needs to learn when to shut the fuck up. With all of her analysis of normal human behavior, you’d think she’d know when to pick up on some social ques. For example, you’re currently oozing sweat like a bloated sponge and shaking like a hairless rat in a snow storm. That commonly means you aren’t in the mood for a chat.

The seconds tick on.

“I apologize. I was simply trying to help you understand your abilities more.” She turns away from you to look ahead.

“Fuck, don’t apologize. Just… let’s talk about something else, okay?”

As much as you don’t want Rose to pester you, you’d rather listen to her voice than the maddening _tick tock_ of the eternal clock in your chest.

“Okay, what piques your interest?” She asks.

“Did you tell John about Vriska?”

You try not to feel too satisfied when she stiffens visibly. She doesn’t like it very much when the glaring beam of an investigative spotlight is turned on her. She seems to be taking her sweet time formulating a response and you wonder why that is, considering the simple ‘yes or no’ answer you were looking for.

“Let’s just say that John knows and leave it at that.”Rose finally replies.

You’re prepared to argue, but you guess that you owe her a solid for giving you a pass when you didn’t want to discuss time travel. John and Jade are yelling overhead again, swept up in the excitement of besting gravity. You wonder if he’s accepted Vriska’s death and moved on or whether he’s pounding down his sadness into a manageable, compact package that he can stow away in the recesses of his brain.

Knowing him, it’s probably the latter. John has all of his negative emotions shoved in a box like The Ark of the Covenant and stashed away in Area Fifty-One. His head is a maze of nondescript boxes, the likes of which the great archeologist Indiana Jones wouldn’t be able to navigate.

 _“That won’t stop Rose from trying though.”_ You think, as you look at your ecto-sister and catch her staring up at John and Jade again with that strange look on her face.

“It looks like fun times are over.” She says, still looking up.

You follow her gaze to see that John and Jade have started to descend. Harley is still giggling like an asylum inmate when her feet touch solid ground. John is grinning like a loon as well, although he seems a little put out. You guess he’s capable of staying in the air all day; breathing in the smoky winds and watching the lava boil below.

“That was so awesome!” Jade sings merrily. “Dave, you _have_ to try that sometime.”

“If men were meant to fly, we would have been born with wings.” You reply. “Which would have been totally sweet by the way. Imagine basketball except with god dammed _flying_.”

“They already have that, right Rose?” John moves next to your ecto-sister. “It’s called Quidditch.”

She sighs heavily.

“We’ve discussed this extensively, John. Just because they both have hoops and balls, doesn’t mean that Basketball and Quidditch are similar in any way.”

“ _Hoops and balls._ ” Jade repeats with a snicker. “Hehe... Sex.”

You turn away to hide the smile that tugs at the edges of your lips like a kite caught in a sudden breeze of sexual innuendo. There’s no need to blow your ‘cool dude’ persona with emotions, more than you already have at least.

“So is there a reason you cut your flight short? Or were you just craving for some intelligent conversation?” You ask your best friend and main squeeze (note: unconfirmed).

“Well actually,” John says, pointing directly in front of you. “We’ve reached our destination.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you are leading your best and closest pals in the whole universe towards a giant disc-like construct above an ocean of piping hot magma, with the hopes of resetting a video game that you’ve all been sucked into, kind of like Tron except not nearly as sci-fi.

The giant disc-like construct actually resembles a disc or record of some sort. Dave was quick to dub it The Beat Mesa, due to its similarity to his turntables. You’re less concerned with _what it’s called_ though and more about _how it works._

“Hey, I hate to always put you on the spot,” You put a hand on Rose’s shoulder. “But you always seem to have the answer, so what happens after we initiate The Scratch?”

“Well, the game will be reset of course.” She answers plainly.

“Yeah, I got that part. But what happens to us?” You gesture vaguely to your surroundings. “What happens to all of this?”

This gives Rose some pause. For a while, she doesn’t answer and you fear that maybe you’ve stumped her.

“I assume…” She thinks some more, then sighs. “Listen John, considering all that has happened recently, I don’t really know how accurate my information is. Best case scenario: all the lands are wiped clean and reset, while we are placed back where we all began.”

“And the worst case scenario?” Jade asks, leaning in.

“Everything currently in existence, us included, will be wiped. A new blank slate will be created with new lands and new players.” Rose answers solemnly.

You, Jade, and Dave blink at her silently. Well, at least you _think_ Dave blinks. You can’t see his eyes behind his sweet shades.

You don’t really know for sure what it means to be _‘wiped’_ , but you guess by the look on Rose’s face that it’s not the best fate for you guys. It didn’t necessarily matter to you if you lived or died before. As long as Jack Noir was weakened, the new players in the new session could stand a chance against him.

But Jack Noir wasn’t weakened. The Green Sun wasn’t destroyed, it was created. If you die, how will the players that come after you stand a chance against Jack Noir, an unfamiliar enemy with unbelievable power? The simple answer is that they won’t.

“Those are the only two scenarios?” Dave asks eventually. Rose nods, yes.

“What about the trolls?” Jade interjects. “They’re still out there somewhere. If The Scratch wipes everything, then they’ll be killed too.”

A thought strikes you.

“The trolls knew that we wanted to initiate The Scratch.” You speak more to Rose than anyone else. “They must have known what would happen if we are successful and they would have told you if it was bad.  Karkat wanted us to do this, so it must be safe, right?”

“Karkat also knew that blowing up The Green Sun was essentially a suicide mission.” Rose has a good point. “Just because he wants something done, doesn’t mean that it’s particularly _‘safe’_.”

“So do we do this or not?” Dave seems eager to get to the point.

All eyes are on you now, the Friendleader.

Rose has told you everything she knows and now it’s time for you to make a decision. Do you risk blowing you, all your friends, and the trolls into oblivion? You suddenly realize that Jack Noir is also at risk of being destroyed by this. The new session, whether you’re in it or not, will stand a much better chance if Jack Noir was gone.

You’ve come all this way, done all these crazy things, and now you’re finally here. What would happen to Vriska if everything reset? Would the strange limbo afterlife she currently lives in be destroyed too? One thing’s for sure, you wouldn’t be delivering her that ring if you died.

Which brings up another point. Would you even die? Does this count as a heroic death? Once again you are bombarded with questions and neglected by answers. Nothing is certain except that you are here right now, and that initiating The Scratch is something you’ve planned to do for a long while.

“Screw it.” You say. “Let’s do this thing.”

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

You lead the way across a narrow bridge towards the surface of The Beat Mesa. It would have been much easier to just fly the distance, but something about this scene demands the dramatic, slow walk towards your destination.

The lava far beneath you moves unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. It swirls and bubbles and waves like a giant, angry, blood-red soup. You feel sweat trickle down your neck and you wonder how Dave puts up with this place. It’s much too hot for your taste.

But then again, Dave’s so cool that maybe it balances out? You’d ask him about it, if you weren’t a hundred percent certain that you’d get some snarky answer in return. Dave and his ecto-sister are liable to give you sass any day of the week. If there’s one thing you respect, it’s reliability.

You reach the edge of the mesa. The whole surface is smooth, glassy, and black, like that of volcanic rock. You’re almost afraid to step on it, since you think it might shatter under your feet. You eventually take a deep breath and press your right foot down onto the plateau.

Nothing happens. You take that as a good sign for the time being.

“Okay, so what next?” All of you walk across to the very center of the disc.

“We need to get that started.” Rose is pointing up towards a stalactite looking object, which is hanging above your head, suspended by an arc of red rock. You didn’t really give the natural looking formation any thought before, but now that you look at it, this whole construct looks like a record/needle combo.

“And how do we get up there?” Dave asks.

You answer for Rose this time.

“We fly of course,” You grin and hold out your arm. “Anyone want to come along?”

Rose looks away, finding interest in something else. Dave flat out says ‘ _fuck no’_.

“I’ll go!” Jade chirps and leaps onto your back.

You grunt and stumble under her weight. You’d never admit this aloud, for fear of stirring up some self-esteem issues, but Jade is heavier than she looks. Although, you consider that half of the problem may be your refusal to perform any real exercise for the majority of your life.

“Look for a consol!” Rose shouts as you take to the skies once more. “Or a switch or something. The instructions are actually pretty vague.”

“Got it!” You yell back, unsure if she actually can hear you or not.

The needle is a lot higher than you originally anticipated, so it takes you a while to reach it. As you draw near, you notice that you’re flight has become a little unsteady, wobbling from side to side quite frantically.

“Jade?” You tighten your grip under her legs. “Are you shaking? What’s going on?”

“Oh, sorry.” She stills and your flight smoothes out considerably. “I guess I’m just a little nervous!”

“Well don’t worry. I’m sure everything will be fine.” You do your best to reassure her and maybe yourself a bit too.

“I hope so.” You slow down when you reach the needle and float alongside it. Jade carefully reaches out and presses a palm against the rock. “It’s cold.” She says.

“Cold?”

“Yeah, like ice.”

“That’s interesting I guess. Try to see if there’s a switch or something.” You move in a slow circle, spinning around the needle and giving Jade a chance to search its surface for any hidden mechanisms.

“So I’m sorry about your girlfriend.” Jade blurts randomly.

You falter slightly causing the pair of you to dip a few feet.

“What?”

“Your girlfriend, Vriska, right?” She clarifies even though you didn’t need her to. “Dave told me she died. Is that true?”

“Yeah, sort of, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” You watch the needle spin lazily as you move around it.

“Oh I see.” Jade probably doesn’t _see_ at all, which is probably your fault. You aren’t doing a very good job of explaining. “Well I just want you to know that I’m sorry.”

You resolve to tell her all the confusing, ghostly details later. If there even is a later for you.

“Thanks, Jade. That means a lot.”

“Don’t mention it. You were there for me with my Grandpa, so I’m here for you now.”

“You’re Grandpa isn’t dead though. We’ve been through this.”

“I know that.” She replies forcefully. “I know that Jack Noir just trying to taunt me. It’s just that… we’ve both lost someone, right? One way or another, they’re both gone and we might not see them again. Doesn’t it make you feel better though, to know that you aren’t alone?”

“I guess.” You wonder if this is the explanation for Jade’s fortitude. The message from Jack Noir was shocking, but it didn’t get her down for long. Could it be possible that what she’s saying is true? That you can really draw strength from each other simply because you’re both alone?

Suddenly, Jade doesn’t feel all that heavy.

“You’re pretty smart. You know that, Jade?” You say with a smile.

She hums a response and returns her attention to the needle, searching once more. You take advantage of this time and your current vantage point to scan your immediate surroundings. Rose had said it was possible that the game would throw every obstacle, every enemy at you in an attempt to stop The Scratch. However, looking over the LOHAC terrain, you don’t see how anything can sneak up on you.

This inhospitable land is covered in lava seas and crisscrossing paths of stone. From the air, you can see anyone coming for miles and it fills you with a little more security to know that the horizons are currently bad guy free. Nevertheless, that could all change as soon as…

“Holy shit, I found it!” Jade squeals.

You crane your neck back to see her hand resting on a metallic lever, looking strangely out of place on the rocky formation. You’ve all but given up trying to find rational explanations for things. Rose said that a switch would be here and believe it or not, a switch there is. That’s good enough for you.

“Well then give it a flip.” You say.

“Aye aye, Cap’n.”  Jade flips the switch and there’s a collective pause, as if the whole universe is holding its breath.

Then you’re momentarily blinded as a beam of light blasts from the tip of the needle and strikes the edge of The Beat Mesa. You watch in awe, as the needle starts to rotate and twist directing its cutting beam across the surface of the mesa. An angry red line begins to form as the disc is cut, slowing trailing from the edge to the center.

“So that’s it, huh?” Jade asks. “We did it?”

“I think so.” You look down to see that Rose and Dave have moved out of the beams path and are now watching its progress too.

How long is this going to take? The needle is moving quite slowly, cutting as it goes. If you had to guess, maybe three feet of The Beat Mesa has already been cut, leaving dozens more unscathed before it reaches the opposite side. Maybe you should descend and wait on the ground with the rest of your friends?

No sooner have you begun to descend then all hell breaks loose. Dave shouts something, a loud rumbling sound booms through the air, and the lava far below you begins to churn and swirl with new vigor.

“Uh… What’s going on?” Jade doesn’t sound nervous, just confused. You have to give her kudos later for staying calm, you’re currently about to piss your pants.

“I think this is the game trying to stop us.” You say and nod towards the giant monster that has just emerged from the fiery depths below. So much for nothing being able to sneak up on you.

The monster looks roughly like an imp, black skinned and clothed in that ridiculous harlequin attire. The only difference is that this imp is about a billion times bigger than the others and therefore infinitely more threatening. Two more massive imps burst up from the lava sea nearby as well. Isn’t that sweet, he brought friends.

“Okay,” You begin. “I’m going to drop you off on the ground and…”

You’re cut off when something long, dangerous, and blue is extended past your head. Jade’s clinging to you with one arm and aiming her harpoon gun with the other.

“Don’t get too close and try to keep us steady.” She says and even though you can’t see her face, you know that she’s grinning. “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.”

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently standing on The Beat Mesa next to Dave, staring up at John and Jade as they try to activate the needle. You’re heart is beating at what feels like a thousand miles an hour. It’s been running double time ever since that little box came through that hole in the ceiling.

That was really the last thing you needed on weighing on your mind. It feels like you’re one more bad situation away from completely snapping mentally. You’re fretting over this whole Scratch plan pretty heavily. What if it’s another fluke like The Green Sun? What if you’re all wiped from existence?

You still need to save your mom, you still need to meet Kanaya face to face, and you still need to tell John that you…

_“Don’t do this, Rose.”_

Oh my god.

_“Don’t scratch us out.”_

The voices. They’re back again.

You turn to your left and see that Dave is absentmindedly swishing his sword back and forth in agitation. He hasn’t noticed the ghostly paleness of your skin or the shortness of your breath. You don’t need this right now. The voices are only supposed to come when you’re alone, when there’s no one else to share your burden.

The Horrorterrors aren’t dead, you know that. The Tumor didn’t destroy anything, but your dreams. Another source of your anxiety is the possibility that your invisible companions might stay with you for the rest of your life. How are you supposed to escape from them if they no longer disappear in the company of your companions?

You look up at John, flying around with his ecto-sister perched on his shoulders. You wonder if it’s possible that…

_“Are you paying attention, Rose? We told you not to do this.”_

“Shut up,” You mutter as quietly as possible, keeping your eyes on Dave in case he looks your way. “Just shut up and leave me alone.”

You know you’re weird when you hear voices talk to you. You know you’re _insane_ when you start talking back. There’s a sick feeling in your stomach. You know that by acknowledging the voices, you give them power. But at this point you really don’t know what to do.

You need to distract yourself.

“Hey, Dave.” You begin. “Why don’t you tell me…”

If you were looking for a distraction, there’s no better one than the needle finally coming to life. It fires a beam into the edge of the mesa and begins the arduous process of sawing the massive disc in half. The Scratch has begun.

“Is this supposed to happen?” Dave asks, as he grabs your arm and pulls you away from the center of the mesa.

“Yes,” You exhale deeply. “So far everything is going according to plan.”

“Yeah, what now? Do we just wait for everything to go to shit?” He’s acting really nonchalant. You guess that’s just a coping mechanism.

“Apparently the game will do everything in its power to stop The Scratch from happening.” You answer. “I think we should prepare for opposition.”

“Opposition?” Dave repeats. “I don’t see any- HOLY FUCKING SHIT!”

You both wheel around and see an absolutely gigantic imp rising slowly from the lava ocean. Thick ropes of molten flame drip from it’s head and shoulders, although it remains unaffected. It’s easily the most badass thing you’ve seen in a while. Even Dave seems to be impressed, but then again maybe you’re misinterpreting his gaping jaw. He’s probably just as terrified as you.

Two more imps rise from the surface, but by that point you’ve already drawn your wands, ready to fight to the last. Dave grips his sword, looking a little unsure of how effective he’ll be against such large foes. You emphasis with him. Compared to the imps, you’re knitting needle wands are smaller than toothpicks.

“Looks like Egbert and Harley have got that covered.” Dave speaks in a voice higher pitched than usual. You make a mental note to tease him about it later as you look towards your friends once more.

Sure enough, John is closing in fast on the gargantuan imps, whilst Jade lets loose a barrage of what looks like lightening from the end of that absurdly blue harpoon gun. The first imp receives a face full of blue energy and stumbles backwards into his companions. A smirk creeps its way onto your face from the display.

You’re friends are quite capable of holding their own. You turn back to the beam, intent on making sure that it’s still making progress across the disc, and see that there is plenty to keep you busy down here on the ground. Smaller imps, the likes of which you are much more familiar with, have crawled from the lava and onto the plateau.

“Dave, as fun as it would be to watch the fascinating teamwork displayed by John and Jade, we have our own problems.” You draw his attention towards the imps.

“Ladies first?” He twirls his sword around one hand and gestures forward with the other.

“How chivalrous of you.” You sneer and blast an imp back into the lava with a well placed spell.

**STRIFE!**

You’re not one to boast, but you’re quite… proficient at combat. Something about the comfortable weight of your wands in your hands, or the fluidness at which the spells slip from your lips, makes you feel almost at home during the heat of battle.

You remember when you first entered the medium and defended your home from a giant imp, similar to the ones being engaged by John and Jade above you. It had been a slaughter, with you desecrating that imp with extreme prejudice. It had been easy, maybe even a little fun.

A small part of you worries that maybe your blood lust is the reason that the Horrorterrors were so attracted to you. That and your interest in the Zoologically Dubious. The psychologist in you says that your combative inclinations are in part due to your desire to have control over something in your life.

You decide to not dissect your own brain at the moment. There’s nothing in there you want to see.

One flick of your wrist sends two more imps flipping head over heel. To your left Dave cleaves an imp in two and then turns to you.

“Hey, Lalonde. What do you call an imp that’s from…”

“Don’t care,” You cut him off. “Shut up and fight.”

He seems a little put out, but he goes back to hacking and slashing anyways. If he wanted a fight _and_ a chat, then he should have flown up with John. You’re too distracted by spell weaving and keeping the sinister voices at bay to listen to Dave’s shitty jokes.

A sudden gust of wind almost sweeps you off your feet. You look up to see that John is using his persuasion over the wind to whip up a few tornados. An interesting and effective tactic considering that the last two giants are now being buffeted by gale force winds. You watch them try to simultaneously shield themselves from Jade’s relentless onslaught with her rifle and keep their footing. Eventually they fall and do not rise again.

With a rare grin, you turn and blow a hole through the last smaller imp’s chest, sending it tumbles over the edge of The Beat Mesa. Dave just finished shoving an imp into the beam of the needle, where it was quickly incinerated, and is now jogging up to your side.

“That wasn’t so bad, huh?” He huffs, leaning against his sword.

“Famous last words.” You warn, before investigating the progress of The Scratch. The needle has made it almost halfway through the disc, having finally reached the center. A few more minutes and the process will be complete. Then… whatever happens will happen.

A hard _thud_ draws your attention to your left. John and Jade have decided to rejoin you.

“Whooo! Did you guys see that?!” Jade whoops and leaps from John’s shoulders. She runs up to Dave and half tackles, half hugs him. “John was all like _whoosh_ and I was all like _pew pew motherfuckin pew_!”

Dave laughs. He actually _laughs_ and returns her hug.

“That was some shooting, Harley. Did you see me gut that one imp?” He nods towards a nearby corpse.

“Oh ew. I must have missed that WHEN I WAS BEING AWESOME!”

You leave them to catch up and turn to John. He’s not looking at you though, or even Jade and Dave for that matter, he’s looking out over the lava ocean. You follow his gaze and gasp, despite yourself.

There are two small specks quickly growing bigger and bigger. Two shapes that looks terribly humanoid and terribly dangerous. You already know what they are, or better yet: _who_ they are.

“Uh, guys. We aren’t done yet.” John says, raising his hammer.

Dave and Jade turn away from each other, see who’s coming, and instantly all smiles are gone.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Dave shoves Jade away and steps towards the edge of The Beat Mesa. “You all run, I’ll hold them off.”

“Fuck that! We aren’t going anywhere!” Jade barks, grabbing his arm. “We need a plan! John?!”

Your Friendleader appears to be thinking hard. There isn’t much time left though. Your enemies are closing in fast.

“We can’t fight,” John blurts. “We have to just… stall them. Jade you have that rifle and Rose has the wands, keep them away from the needle. Dave you need to…”

Whatever it is that Dave needs to do, you’ll probably never find out, because Bro has just suddenly landed in an awesome crouch right in front of you. His traveling companion, Jack Noir, zips right over your head, collides with the needle, and rips it out of place with a deafening _crunch_ and a shower of rock.

It’s all over. You’ve failed.

_“Good work, Rose.”_

Bro lunges forward, sword whistling through the air, straight for John. You open your mouth to scream, to warn him, to fire a spell, to do anything useful. However, your body doesn’t seem to be working. You’re about to watch him be killed right in front of your eyes… again.

You mouth starts to work.

“NO!” You scream.

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are now Jade Harley. Shit’s hitting the fan like nobody’s business.

Jack Noir has just destroyed the needle and halted The Scratch process. You caught a glimpse of his new look and your pretty sure that you recognized Bec’s signature muzzle instead of a human face, but Jack Noir was gone before you could be certain. Now you don’t know where he is.

You’re inclined to care less about Jack Noir’s whereabouts though and more about Dave’s Bro. He’s lunging towards John, ready to impale your ecto-brother like a piece of cheese on a toothpick. You’re not about to let that happen.

You line up your sights, Rose screams something, and you squeeze down on the trigger. When you had first fired your new, sweet, blue rifle you’d been surprised to find that it turned out to be more of a lightening gun than a harpoon gun. Surprised, but not disappointed.

The bolt of lightning you’re currently firing flies straight and true, dead set on blasting Bro off of his feet and away from John. Then there’s another flash of silver and you lightning bolt is deflected off into open air.

Dave stands between you and his Bro, poised to block another one of your electric missiles.

“What the fuck?!” You cry. “Get out of the way, Dave!”

You try and get a clear shot, but Dave does a good job of blocking you again.

“He’s not a killer! He just needs help! Let me…” Dave is interpreted by an ear splitting _clang._

John and Bro have just clashed, hammer to sword. Rose has stopped screaming, much to your pleasure, and is now firing blind spell after blind spell in Bro’s general direction. John is retreating across The Beat Mesa, trying to put distance between himself and Bro. However, the master-ninja-badass-ultimate is not easily avoided. You know that from experience.

“I’m not going to let our friends die!” You roar at Dave. “Move your fat ass before I move it for you!”

“Just let me talk to him. He’s being brainwashed!”

You understand how Dave is feeling, but seriously now is not the time for this bullshit. You take a step towards him, but before you can give him as much of a high five the whole ground jumps up towards the sky. You lose touch with the floor and then next thing you know, your knees are buckling as your feet slam back down again.   

You tip to the side and the glossy black surface of the mesa rises up to meet you. A sharp pain explodes up your left arm and you realize a second too late that you’ve caught yourself with your injured hand. You scream and roll onto your side just as the ground decides to take another leap.

It’s like you’re at the mercy on a trampoline built out of solid concrete, being tossed willy-nilly without any form of consent. In short: it sucks a lot. You grip your rifle tightly in your good hand, determined to keep a solid grip on it as the ground develops a mind of its own.

There are screams and shouts and _cracks_ that cause you to wince. With the next bounce, you catch a glimpse of John floating above the ground, locked in an aerial battle with Bro and Rose struggling to get to her feet and shrieking something that sounds like ‘run, run, run’.

That sounds like really nice advice for you. When you come in contact with the ground again, you immediately get your legs underneath yourself and push yourself forward. Dave is crawling on his hands and knees to your left, making his way towards the center of the mesa where John and Bro are dueling fiercely.

“Bro!” Dave shouts. “Come on, man. I know you can hear me!”

The ground shudders again and you stumble.

“This isn’t you, Bro! I know you and this isn’t you!”

Bro ricochet’s off the ground like the most graceful dancer and swings his sword at John, barely missing your ecto-brother’s head by inches.

“Jack Noir is a total douche! I know you can fight him off, Bro. You just got to try.”

John barely blocks a next attack and Bro is on him before he can even attempt a parry. This fight is only going to end one way and you can guess that dying trying to defend The Scratch is most likely a heroic death. Basically: John wouldn’t come back without a little help.

You aren’t going to risk him. You make your choice.

“Jade!” Dave is yelling again. “Jade, what are you doing?!”

You pull the trigger and fire a bolt of lightning straight towards Bro. It’s a perfect shot, straight and true and you’re a hundred percent sure that you’re going to hit your target, at least until Dave jumps in the way.

The bolt strikes Dave right in the chest and sends him flipping through the air towards the edge of the platform. Without thinking, you drop your rifle and leap after him. He’s dead, you already know that. You have only one chance to bring him back now.

His shades are still on his face. Was there any ever doubt? Those dumb things are always glued to his head. A trickle of blood drips from the corner of his mouth, but you ignore that. There’s no time to lose. You don’t pause. You press your lips to his.

The ground jumps beneath you again and you rise off the ground once more. You pull away from Dave, but cradle him in your arms to keep him from bouncing around too much. Someone is still yelling and you guess that it’s Rose.

You look up from Dave’s eternally stoic face and freeze on the spot. Bro is standing right above you, gazing down at his own motionless brother, completely protected behind his pointed shades. You don’t know where John is or if he’s even still alive. You just look up at Bro, while he looks down at you.

“Well?”You demand. “What do you want?”

Bro doesn’t respond. A vein in his temple pulses violently and it looks as if he’s shaking slightly. You don’t know for sure though, since the whole world seems to be wobbling like a top. You wait for him to kill you or chop off something else that’s attatached to you or any other number of horrible things.

He just stands there and stares.

You feel Dave stir in your arms, coughing up another dribble of blood and shifting uneasily. It won’t be long until he’s conscious again. The cough Dave uttered seems to have snapped Bro out of whatever staring competition he’d set upon himself. The older Strider turns tail and runs before you can so much as blink.

“Yeah!” You shout after him. “You better run, fuckass!”

He leaps from the edge of the mesa and disappears from your sight. You know that it’s too much to hope that he’ll land in the lava and die, but a girl can dream right?

A pair of hands grab your shoulders and you shriek in surprise.

“Is he okay?” It’s John and he’s looking as battered and as bloody as you’ve ever seen him.

“Yeah. Are _you_ okay?” The words are barely out of your mouth before John is grabbing Dave under the arm and hauling him upright. You follow, stumbling to your feet and grab Dave’s other arm. Between the two of you, he is still as limp as a wet noodle.

“We’re getting out of here. This whole mission was an unmitigated disaster.” John turns from you. “Rose! Come on!”

You hear the _pitter patter_ of footsteps and you hope that it’s the last quarter of your party instead of Bro or more imps or…

“Where’s Jack Noir?” You ask, as you and John start dragging Dave towards the stone path leading away from the mesa.

“I don’t know. He wrecked the needle and just took off like…”

The ground shakes again and John’s words are drowned out by the loudest sound you think you’ve ever heard. That’s saying something too. You’ve had to put up with Rose’s incessant screams for the past ten minutes or so.

You and John both come to a stop and cast about wildly for the source of the noise.

“Is it just me, or are we moving?” It’s Rose and you quickly decide that it is _not_ ‘just her’.

You, John, Dave, Rose, and the entire Scratch site, are rising into the air. The path you’d used to enter the mesa falls away, along with everything else as the smoky sky draws closer. You turn to look at John, but he’s just as confused as you are. You turn to Rose next and she’s as white as a ghost, stricken with fear and sudden understanding.

“It’s Jack Noir,” She mutters, realization lighting up her pale face. “He’s- he’s taking the Scratch?”

She says it more like a question, even though it’s probably the answer. Is Jack Noir really strong enough to rip The Beat Mesa out of the ground and fly away with it? It’s certainly looking that way at the moment.

That explains all that bouncing and shaking earlier. It was Jack Noir trying to peel the earth like a rocky orange. Now that he’s succeeded, he seems determined to take you and the whole construct… somewhere. You don’t really want to find out.

Apparently neither does John.

“Alright, everyone grab on!” He yells.

You comply immediately, slinging Dave’s lanky arm over your shoulders and reaching behind him to grab a fistful of John’s lengthy god tier hood. Rose is on John’s other side, wrapping her arms around his neck in a death grip. You hope she doesn’t strangle your ecto-brother mid-flight. That would be a shitty way for all of you to fall to your deaths.

“Oh shit! My rifle!” You remember your discarded weapon. “Dave’s sword too!”

“Fuck em!” John replies. “I’ll totally buy you guys new ones if we get out of this mess.”

You doubt there’s a gun/sword store anywhere in the medium or that John has enough money for a stick of gum, but you just pout and hold onto John without any more complaint. You can bitch about the loss of your second rifle in as many days when you aren’t at risk of sliding off a giant CD and falling into a lava ocean.

A strong wind whips and tugs at your hair and clothes and you guess that John is trying to lift all of you. Can he do it? You know that he offered to take you all up before, but maybe he was just bluffing then, trying to impress you. It seems unlikely. John may be known for showmanship, but he’s not the type to attempt inflating his ego more than he should.

You feet come off the ground again, but this time you’re more thankful than worried. As you rise, The Beat Mesa rushes underneath you, flying forward towards some unknown destination as you hover high in the air.

As The Scratch Site pulls further away from your floating group, you are afforded a glance of Jack Noir, carrying the whole thing on his shoulders and beating his dark wings like two pistons. His wolfish face fills you with an emotion you recognize as disgust. You’ll make him pay for Bec and everything he’s ever done one of these days.

“Uh… So what now?” John sounds about as unsure as you feel.

“I think that golden ship over there seems like as good a place to land as any.” Rose responds.

 You look to see what the hell she’s talking about and do a double take when you catch sight of _the_ golden yellow airship, which you crashed earlier, slowly gliding beneath you. John descends quickly, a little too quickly, and you all crumple in a teenaged heap on the deck of the ship.

You really hope it’s being piloted by friends instead of enemies. You really aren’t in the mood to fight anyone at the moment.

“Well, well, well,” Snarls a voice full of malice. You breathe a sigh of relief. The voice continues. “If you bulge slurpers are done fucking everything up, maybe you’ll actually listen to us this time.

You raise your head and smile.

“It’s good to see you too, Karkat!”

**END OF ACT TWO.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Green Sun didn't work and The Scratch was interrupted before it could be completed. Thus ends act two of our little story. Next chapter will be the first intermission, which is exciting I guess. I have a lot more stuff planned for this story, so stick around if you're interested.
> 
> For those who comment: What's some good writing music that I could listen to? I have a couple of the Homestuck albums like The Felt and Strife, but I'm looking for other stuff. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	16. INT 1 - PART 1

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’ve just been through a rather unfortunate set of horrendous experiences. Not only was The Scratch interrupted, but it was stolen by your arch nemesis and taken Gog knows where. Dave’s Bro also gave you a good pounding too, let’s not forget about that.

Now, to cool down after all that heated asshole rumpus, you’re being chewed out by Karkat. This is really the last thing you’re in the mood for.

“I mean, seriously?!” The troll splutters. “I should have known that humans can’t be trusted with even the simplest of tasks, such as flipping a damn switch for example! You weren’t even going to look for us were you?! You were just going to fuck everything up all on your own. I should beat your blue ass for running off like that! Completely irresponsible!”

Something about the way he’s scolding you, like you’re his son or something, really grates on your nerves. You let him vent though. It’s best that he gets it out of his system while everyone else is resting elsewhere.

You and Karkat are standing on the deck of the golden ship, mere minutes after your impromptu crash landing. Dave, Rose, and Jade are below deck somewhere eating and sleeping and being safe. Just the way you like it.

The rest of the trolls are milling about somewhere, simply being morose by the looks of it. There are a lot less of them now than there were earlier. It seems that Karkat, Terezi, Kanaya, Aradia, Nepeta, and Equius are the only ones left now.

Karkat is still yapping at you, but you aren’t really listening. You aren’t even looking at him. The golden ship is floating lazily over LOHAC and you’re just leaning against the railing, watching smoky clouds undulate around you. You’re pretty wrapped up in your own thoughts.

You’re thinking about the trolls and your friends and… well a lot of stuff really. The trolls just seem so sad now. Something about the way they all look at each other, reminds you of the way you sometimes catch your friends looking at each other. It’s a look that says: “Welp, it seems we’re the only ones left”. It’s a kind of depressing.

Last time you saw Dave, he seemed to be alright, if a little pissed off. Jade had taken a pot shot at his Bro to save your life and although she had missed her mark, your life had still been spared. As soon as Dave was accidentally tagged, Bro had abandoned you in favor of watching Jade smooch Dave.

A little weird you suppose, but you’re inclined to take Bro’s strange behavior as confirmation that his murderous actions are not consensual. Whatever spell Jack Noir cast over him has a major chink in its metaphorical armor, and that chink’s name is Dave.

Bro won’t kill his own brother and it seems that watching Dave die was enough to get him to shrug off Jack Noir’s influence, however temporarily, and head for the hills. You don’t know where Bro is right now. You just hope that he isn’t going to come after you again anytime soon. That dude packs a major punch.

“JOHN EGBERT HUMAN! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!”

Oh, right. Karkat.

“Psshh. Of course I am.” You scoff. “You were just ripping me a new asshole, right?”

“You’re damn right I was!” Karkat slams his fist on the railing for emphasis. “You have really screwed up here, John.”

“I know.” You sigh and hang your head over the edge of the ship. The warm breeze is somewhat comforting. “I apologize for running off to save Rose. There just wasn’t any chance that I was going to leave her to die. Everything that happened after that is kind of not my fault though. We really just got dealt a bad hand.”

“Oh, really?” He snarls. “You may feel comfortable chalking everything up to bad luck, but I’m a little bit more rational than that. Someone has been playing you like a human fiddle.”

“You think so? Who?”

“Jack Noir is an obvious suspect.”

“Do you think he could have been feeding Rose and Kanaya wrong information?”

“It’s possible. He’s been conversing with Eridan for ages apparently.” Karkat mimes wringing someone’s neck. “If I could just get my hands on that piece of fish slime.”

“That might be harder than you think. Eridan’s dead.” You say, and then amend yourself. “Well, he’s probably dead. We don’t know for sure.”

“Clarification.” Karkat snaps. “Now!”

All of the trolls had noticed the presence of The Green Sun now hanging in the sky. However, now you take the chance to actually explain the series of events that lead to its creation. You leave out the part about Rose killing you, bypassing your conversation with Vriska completely. For the time being, you’ll keep that little tale under your hat. You hope Roes does the same.

When you’re finished, Karkat’s face is uncharacteristically blank. He looks at you oddly.

“You… threw Eridan in the pit?”

“Well, yeah.” You rub the back of your neck. “It seemed like the only thing to do.”

Karkat doesn’t say anything for a second and you wonder if maybe his vengeful words against Eridan were as hollow as your chest feels at the moment. Maybe killing Eridan wasn’t as cold cut as you thought? You suppose that you’re sort of partially responsible for the endangerment of the troll species now.

“Okay, well…” Karkat thinks for a few more seconds. “I don’t think that Jack Noir would have put Eridan there to guard to portal if he didn’t think that The Tumor would do some damage. If he knew what The Tumor did, he wouldn’t have tried to stop you, am I right?”

“That makes sense. So you think that someone else is working against us? Who else is there?”

“I don’t know.” Karkat exhales heavily and you notice for the first time just how tired he looks.

“Hey, man. Why don’t you go take a nap or something?” You prod gently. “We can catch up later.”

“No we most certainly can not.” Karkat straightens up. “There’s more shit we need to discuss.”

“Such as?”

“Such as what we do next.”

The path ahead seems pretty straight forward to you.

“Well we should go get The Scratch back from Jack Noir, right? Then, once we have it back, we can reset the game for real.”

“Oh, sure. Let’s just walk up to Jack Noir’s castle and knock on the door. Maybe if we ask nicely he’ll just hand it over with a pat on the head and a kiss on the cheek.” Karkat scoffs and mutters something that sounds very similar to ‘ _idiot’_ under his breath.

“Well we can’t just float around here forever!” You gesture around the golden air ship. “Speaking of which, how did you guys get this thing?”

“We found it, dipshit. Apparently you’re as bad at flying as you are at pretty much everything else. Equius fixed it in about thirty seconds and then we made a bee line straight for The Scratch Site, hoping to join up with you guys. We all know how that worked out.”

“Equius is pretty good with machines, huh?”

“Yeah he’s the best,” Karkat takes up position next to you on the railing. “Him and Sollux were building a new rocket car when…”

He trails off and you look at him, he avoids your gaze.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” You begin cautiously. “What happened?”

“A lot of shit, John. Just… a lot of shit.” He drags his hand down his face, stretching the skin. “People I cared about died. People that didn’t deserve to die and… I guess some that did.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s whatever.”

There’s an awkward silence now, hanging in the air like a bad odor.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You ask.

“I just did.”

“No, I mean like your feelings and stuff.”

Karkat looks at you like you’re a particularly disgusting looking bug he’d just stomped on.

“I’m sorry!” You blurt quickly. “It’s just… Fuck, I’m really bad at this.”

“Yeah, you _really_ are.” He rolls his eyes towards the sky. “Look, John. There’s something going on right now between us.”

“Wh- what?!”

“Not between you and me, shithead. I mean, between me and the other trolls.” He lowers his voice. “You remember Gamzee, right?” You nod and he continues. “Well, he killed a few people and someone, in revenge, killed him. I need to find out whom.”

“It was someone on this boat?” You look over your shoulder.

 Equius is steering the ship, with Nepeta bouncing around him, Aradia is sitting by herself near the opposite railing, and Terezi and Kanaya are somewhere below deck with your friends.

“Yeah, I’m positive.”

“You don’t think it could have been anyone else?”

“No. Eridan had already left by then and Vriska…” He shoots you a quick look and his eyes dart away even quicker. “Uhhh….”

“I know she’s dead, Karkat.”

More awkward silence. Then he sighs heavily once again.

“Thank fucking Jegus.” He breathes. “I thought I almost dropped a total shit bomb on your head. Well anyways, as I was saying: Vriska was _super_ dead by then. So it couldn’t have been anyone else, besides the ones on this ship.”

“Gamzee couldn’t have… you know. Done it himself?” It’s a grim thought, but you’re trying to be helpful.

“No, no, no.” Karkat waves his hand as if he can physically bat away the notion. “He was definitely murdered, stabbed in his fucking sleep.”

Another thought strikes you and although you don’t really want to say it, but you feel obligated somehow.

“Uh, Terezi has a cane sword.”

“Good observation, John. Give yourself a gold star.” Karkat rolls his eyes again.

If eye rolling was an Olympic event, Karkat would be a gold medalist. Rose would probably be his coach.

“Well maybe she did it.” You don’t feel all too good about accusing Karkat’s girlfriend or whatever, but he doesn’t get angry at the suggestion, just uncomfortable.

“You think I haven’t considered that? Every one of my friends is a potential cold blooded murderer. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t, and to answer your flimsy reasoning: anyone could have picked up a knife and stuck him. I can’t base my accusations off of signature weapons alone. I already got my ass handed to me by jabbing my finger a little too quickly.” He shoots a glance at Aradia, whose still sitting alone, statuesque.

“Well what are you going to do?”

“That’s none of your concern. I’m just letting you know the situation. I’ll handle my people and you handle yours and that’s that, understood?”

“No, it’s not understood.” You shift to face Karkat more fully. “We’re in this together, aren’t we? We’ll have to work together to get The Beat Mesa back.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“Oh, I mean The Scratch. Jack Noir has it, wherever he is, and we’ll need to team up to get it back.”

“One,” Karkat holds up a finger. “We know where Jack Noir is. And two,” another finger is raised. “We’re teaming up, yes, but that doesn’t mean you can stick your flabby pink nose wherever you want. Troll business is troll business, now am I understood?”

“Understood.” You concede defeat on that front. You’d rather not get involved in sloppy investigations anyways. “So where is Jack Noir now?”

“In LOLAR.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he has another castle there. We flew over it on the way to The Scratch Site.”

“Are you serious?” You groan. “What the hell?! Does this guy have a shitty castle in every land?”

“Yeah, he does. We’re not going to worry about his real estate habits though. We need to figure out a way to get The Scratch back.”

“We can’t just fight our way in and grab it?” You ask. “I mean, I know it’ll be dangerous, but Dave and I got into his castle on LOWAS with no problem.”

“He _wanted_ you to get in then though. This time he has something to protect. It won’t be as easy.”

“But if we work together, we can do anything!” You smile then and Karkat scowls back. “While we’re talking about it, what will happen after we finish The Scratch, anyways?”

“The game will reset.”

“Yeah, I got that part, but what happens to us? Will we be wiped? Whatever that means.”

“Fuggh.” Karkat leans forward and buries his head in his hands. “I don’t fucking know, John. I just boss people around. I don’t figure things out. You’d better ask Kanaya.”

“Ask Kanaya, what?” Both you and Karkat jump about three feet in the air, when a smooth voice speaks from behind you. You turn around to find that it is, in fact, Kanaya who had spoken.

“Hey, Kanaya.” You smile at her, genuinely happy to see the stylish troll once again.

“Hello, John.” She returns your smile, flashing her sharp looking fangs. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but you asked me to report back to you Karkat.”

The leader of the trolls waves his hand somewhat nonchalantly, but apparently Kanaya takes that as a cue to give her report. She straightens up, folds her hands delicately in front of her stomach, and speaks in that clear tone of hers. It’s hard to describe Kanaya’s voice accurately, _‘smooth’_ is close enough, but it’s almost _hypnotizing_ to you.

You don’t know why you like her voice so much. Maybe it’s another one of your kinks? You doubt that’s normal. You’ll keep that to yourself.

“Rose, Dave, and Jade have been attended to and are now resting. I’ve set up an Alchemiter below deck, where Terezi is currently working to alchemize some supplies.” She nods over her shoulder towards the steering-wheel-area. You are unfamiliar with boats and the terminology associated with they’re different parts. “Equius is setting a course towards Jack Noir’s castle on LOLAR and at our current speed we should reach it in about four days.”

“Four days?” You ask before Karkat can speak. “Why so long?”

“The ship was damaged by crashing,” Kanaya explains. “Equius did his best, but its engines aren’t what they used to be. Walking would be faster, but if we want to carry our supplies and remain undetected, then flying is the best bet.”

“How will remain undetected? This thing is like a golden shining beacon, isn’t it?”

“You think it’s painted this color for shits and giggles?!” Karkat snaps. “This is Alternian Exo-Paint. I didn’t recognize it earlier, since it’s so rare on our home planet, but now we know. Jack Noir won’t be able to sense us coming until we’ve already flown up his ass.”

“Well that’s good then.” You brighten. “I don’t know what you’re so worried about. If we all work together on an awesome stealth attack, then we’re pretty much guaranteed to succeed.”

“You’d think that for someone who’d just gotten the shit clobbered out of them for about the hundredth time, you’d be a little bit more cautious.” Karkat turns back to Kanaya. “Thanks for the update, Kan.”

“Of course,” She nods. “But I am not finished yet.”

“Well, what else is there?”

“With all that’s been happening I’m not surprised that it slipped your mind. Tomorrow is Twelfth Perigee's Eve, Karkat.”

An expression of shock dominates Karkat’s typically frustrated features. He stares at Kanaya like she has two heads and you watch her shuffle uncomfortably under his gaze. Eventually, Karkat groans and presses the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“We don’t have time for this!” He cries, throwing his head back.

You are confused.

“I am confused.” You say. “What don’t we have time for? What’s Twelfth Perigee’s Eve?”

“One of our traditional Alternian holidays.” Kanaya explains. “It occurs every twelve perigees, or once a sweep. It’s been… difficult to keep an accurate calendar in the medium, but I’m almost positive that it’s tomorrow.”

“What do you guys do?” You’re enraptured by the prospect of learning more about troll culture. It’s pretty interesting in your opinion. “To celebrate, I mean.”

“Well typically, a troll will decorate their hive and their lusus might erect a behemoth leaving in the main room. However, since we can do neither of those things here, there are other traditions required, especially amongst a group this large.”

“Alright I’m confused again.” You admit.

“Fuh. Listen, John.” Karkat crosses his arms like he’s about to ‘ _school_ ’ you. “What you need to understand is that trolls aren’t usually very social. We’re nocturnal, we live alone in our hives, and we play video games all day. It’s not normal for so many trolls our age to be in one place together for so long.”

“It’s a very special occasion.” Kanaya adds. “Made even more significant because it is also Karkat’s wriggling day.”

“Is that like…” You wrack your brains. “Is that like your birthday or something?”

“My what?”  Karkat acts like he’s defending himself against a nasty accusation.

“You’re birthday. The anniversary of the day of your birth.”

“I don’t know.” Karkat looks to his second in command again. “Is that the same thing?”

“I would say so.” Kanaya nods. “Rose supplied me with some rudimentary learning materials pertaining to human culture, texts and such.”

“Okay, well happy early birthday buddy.” You slap Karkat on the back and he shoots you a look that says _‘touch me with your human hand again and you’ll be pulling back a nub’_. You decide to press on with this conversation. “I still don’t understand what you guys are supposed to _do_. How is this a big waste of time? Just pass out some presents or something and then everyone’s happy.”

“Were you listening to anything we were saying?” Karkat snarls. “It’s a big fucking deal and as much as I would like to bypass the whole thing, I doubt everyone would agree.” He shoots a look over to Aradia again. “And tensions are already running pretty high.”

“To answer your question, John.” Kanaya addresses you. “For a celebration such as this, a Mlpuia Jive is required.”

“A Mullpeeuh what?”

“A _Mlpuia_ Jive.” She repeats, as if that explains anything.

“What is that? Like a dance or something?”

“It is _the_ dance, John.” Kanaya’s eyes light up two jade light bulbs. Literally her skin is like… glowing. “Every young troll girl dreams of the day where some dashing rouge or rougette will whisk them off their feet and escort them to a Mlpuia Jive.”

Several things rush through your head: Is rougette even the correct term for a female rouge? You’ve always thought that ’rouge’ was pretty gender friendly. Will _you_ be forced to dance? You haven’t gone to something like this since your freshmen mixer (you went stag, which basically meant that Sarah completely rejected your invitation, but that’s a tale for another time). And finally, you have to agree with Karkat. This sounds like a complete waste of time.

“This is really important, huh?” You ask, a little sheepishly. You don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, but spending time, throwing a party, seems like a bad idea. “Like is it _super_ important?”

“Well it is tradition.” Kanaya defends. “And I think it would be a good way to boost morale. It’s up to you though, Karkat. It is your wriggling day after all.”

Karkat looks from Kanaya to you, then back to Kanaya again. The female troll is chewing her lip nervously and your slightly worried that one of her fangs might puncture and draw blood. It’s obvious that she wants this Mulligan dance or Mullipania Jive to happen and when you look to Karkat, you think that maybe he might want it too.

“We… it can’t…”Karkat seems to be struggling. “Kanaya I don’t… Fuck, just don’t take this too far, okay?”

Kanaya grins and it catches you off guard how excited she is. She looks as if Christmas day has come early, which for all you know, it might just have.

“Oh there is so much to do!” She gushes. “There’s decorations and food and…” Her beautiful eyes grow wide. “ _Outfits_.” She gasps. “I’ll let everyone know what’s happening.” She says before dashing off.

“Wait!” You call after her, but she’s already disappeared below deck. “Fuck. In all this dance talk I forgot to ask about The Scratch.”

“You can ask her later.” Karkat leans against the railing, looking more exhausted than ever. “So I guess this is happening, huh?”

“You told her that it was, yeah.”

Karkat nods and the pair of you lapse into silence for the next few minutes. It’s night time now. Both of the suns have faded away giving way to a single, solitary moon. For the first time, in a long time, you feel almost peaceful. Then Karkat speaks.

“So uh, who are you going to ask?

“What?” You respond.

“To the Mlpuia Jive. You can’t exactly go by yourself. The whole point of the thing is to have a partner.”

 “You mean like… a date?” Your mouth feels suddenly dry.

“No, don’t be an idiot.” Karkat jabs. “It’s not some excuse to mack on whoever you like, it’s an age old ceremony meant to promote unity.” He pauses for a second. “Although, some of the meaning behind the ceremony fades after a while, the principal is still the same. I think.”

Karkat sounds unsure where the purity of his party is concerned. You don’t blame him, a whole bunch of teenagers pairing up and participating in some party certainly sounds like another asshole rumpus to you.

“Who are you going to take?” You ask. “Terezi’s your girlfriend, right?”

“Do you have piss for brains, John? Terezi and I are _not_ together, in any meaning of the word.” He glares at you. “And whoever I take is none of your business anyways.”

“Hey, you asked me!”

“Well you didn’t exactly answer, did you? And I just want to make sure that you’re not harboring any hidden feelings for any of us.” His face suddenly goes very serious. “I don’t want this to be a night of drama and shit, okay? Humans stay with Humans and Trolls stay with Trolls. Is that understood?”

“I can’t take Jade,” You mumble. “She’s my sister and Rose is…”

“To smart for you? Yeah, no doubt.” Karkat leers at you. “I’d suggest that you take Strider, but I don’t want you to get offended, since you’re _not a homosexual_ and all that.”

“I won’t get offended. I just don’t swing that way.” You cross your arms, feeling confident in your position as an individual accepting of all walks of life.

“Whatever, just keep in mind what I said: no interspecies couplings.”

“You got it.” You shoot him two thumb ups to show that you’re serious. A thought strikes you. “Hey Karkat, why don’t you take Nepeta?”

Karkat spends the next three minutes expertly pantomiming a scenario where he gags, chokes to death, and is resurrected, before dying again.

“Is that answer enough for you?!” He turns on his heel and stalks away.

Yes, Karkat. Yes it is.

* * *

=> Be Kanaya Maryam

You are now Kanaya Maryam. Today is the greatest day of your life.

Honestly you’re a little surprised that Karkat had given you permission to throw this Mlpuia Jive in celebration of both Twelfth Perigee’s Eve and his own wriggling day. What with all of your friends dying, the urgent mission to reinitiate The Scratch, and the search for Gamzee’s killer, you’d have thought there wouldn’t be time for any party, no matter how sacred it was.

Maybe you just caught him in a good mood? Or maybe he’s ready to have some actual fun for once? You don’t know and frankly you really don’t care.

You sit down in a chair before the Alchemiter you’d installed and begin to work. _This_ is what you’re good at. Colors, fabrics, all sorts of materials are at your disposal with this miracle machine. Your fingers are like the nimblest of needles piecing together anything your creative mind can fathom.

Within minutes, you are finished and you lean back to admire your handiwork. It’s beautiful, if you don’t say so yourself. It’s been established that you have an eye for fashion, but sometimes you still manage to surprise yourself.

With the easy part done, all that’s left is the difficult part.

“You can do this.” You pump yourself up. “You’re a classy vampire fashion queen. There’s nothing you can’t do. Just go up to her and say…”

“Kanaya?”

You give a very unlady-like shriek and nearly slip from you chair. You’re head whips around quickly and you’re suddenly face to face with your surprise visitor.

“Hello, Rose.” You smile in what you hope is a pleasant way and not a totally creepy way. Damn these insufferable pricks you have for fangs.

“What are you doing?” The human girl doesn’t even give you a chance before she’s stepping closer to you, trying to get a peek at what you’ve just created.

You’re half tempted to hide your masterpiece from her stunning yet prying eyes, but it’s already too late. She slowly reaches down and runs her slim fingers over the soft fabric.

“It’s beautiful.” She says with a sly wink. “I’m sure you’ll look simply ravishing in it.”

“It’s… well,” You feel heat creep up into your cheeks. In a few seconds you’re probably be glowing like a mid morning sun. You aren’t prepared for this. She caught you off guard, but now you’re talking.

“I made it for you.” You blurt before you can stop yourself.

Rose genuinely seems to be a little shocked. Her black painted lips hang open slightly and she reaches out to caress the fabric again.

“You really shouldn’t have.”A smile begins to form. “If you thought I needed a change of clothes, you could have just said so.”

You take a second to examine her bedraggled state. Her dress is ripped in several places, covered in blood and what looks like vomit, and honestly she kind of smells. You’ll have that fixed soon enough though.

“You misinterpret my act of kindness for some passive aggressive statement against your appearance?” You chuckle. “Do you ever take anything at face value, Rose?”

“I’m well aware that sometimes a cigar is simply a cigar,” She pulls the dress from your lap and holds it up to her chest. It’s an orange affair with delicate line patterns, modest but with a modern flair, at least that’s what you think. “It’s just, more often than not, not everything is as it meets the eye.”

“Hmmm.” You hum absentmindedly, watching the bright orange clash horribly with her black dress.

“Is there a particular reason for this gift? Is this just a peace offering between members of different species?”

“There’s a party tomorrow.” You brush some of your cropped black hair off of your shoulder and turn back to the Alchemiter, pretending not to be interested. “I’ve taken it upon myself to decorate, plan, and make sure that everyone doesn’t show up in paper bags.”

“A party?” Rose laughs and your hand slips slightly on a switch. “Is this really the time and place for such things as _parties_?”

“It’s a rather special occasion actually.” You then explain Twelfth Pedigree’s Eve, Karkat’s Birthday, the Mlpuia Jive, and the significance of the circumstances. “The Mlpuia Jive is uncommon, most trolls only attend one their entire lifetime. It would be a good way to raise morale and… well since…”

“Since you’re the only trolls left,” Rose picks up where you trail off. “You feel more obligated than ever to follow your cultural traditions. I understand.” She folds her new dress delicately over her arm. “I would be more than honored to wear this dress to the Mlpuia Jive. Thank you, Kanaya.”

She turns to leave and with her: you’re only chances of having a date to the dance that you actually _want_. You stand up, somewhat awkwardly because of your haste.

“Rose.” You say. She stops and turns around, eyebrow quirked and smirk drawn, as if she knows exactly what you’re going to say. “We’re supposed to have partners to the Mlpuia Jive.”

“Mhmm.”

You’re going to ask her. You’re really going to do it.

“Would you like to go with me?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Oh.”

“Oh, indeed.”

You’re knees feel a little shaky and you’re just standing here looking at each other. The lower deck of the golden ship is dived up into separate rooms. This you’re thankful for. If anyone else was watching this horribly awkward exchange you would probably die from embarrassment.

Eventually Rose laughs and pats the dress you made her once again, lightly as if she’s afraid she’ll break it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Kanaya.” She turns and disappears out the door. You sigh heavily and turn back to your chair, only to stop when Rose pokes her head back in. “Oh and by the way, it’s nice to finally meet you in person.”

Then she’s gone and you’re left sitting in front of the Alchemiter, grinning like an idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is stupid, but screw it, this is happening. I don't know how long this intermission is going to last, but it will cover the entire Mlpuia Jive (which is something I just made up). I'm not an expert on Troll holidays or anything. I only know what's in the comic, so there's that. After the intermission is over, we'll get back to the main quest.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me guys. Thanks for reading too.  
> \- Mike


	17. INT 1 - PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Holly for reviewing.

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too. All those times before, where you wanted to chill out and you couldn’t, can go straight to hell. Right now, you’re finally getting the chance to kick back and sip on some… wait for it… MOTHERFUCKIN AJ!

Damn, this juice of the apple is so booty-poppin-good you might just go into a delicious, fruity coma. A coma from whence you might never recover, one where you don’t even _want_ to recover. Never in your life would you have thought that AJ would still exist after the world was destroyed.

So just imagine your surprise, when you regain consciousness on the surface of the golden airship, head below deck, and find a comely troll with a tall glass of AJ waiting for you. It’s like Christmas, New Years Eve, and all kinds of other holidays you can’t think of right now rolled into one.

The chair creaks dangerously as you lean back in it, twisting your neck to the side to look at the aforementioned, comely troll named Terezi.

“I gotta hand it to you, Tz.” You raised the glass in an ironic toast. “This might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

“Oh I’m sure you say that to all the girls. Hehe.” She smiles at you. It’s full of sharp teeth and double entendre, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“All joking aside, serious question time right here. How the hell did you find this stuff?” You take another sip.

“I didn’t find it, Dave. I made it!”

You gag on the sweet nectar.

“What do you mean: _you made it_?” You demand. “Trolls don’t have some weird organ that secretes this stuff do they? That would totally kill my mood right now.”

An image of Terezi, squatting over a glass, fills your mind and now your stomach feels like it’s on fire.

“HAHAHA!” She shrieks with laughter and almost slides off of her chair from the oppressive weight of her mirth. “Don’t be stupid. I _alchemized_ it, using the Alchemiter.”

“Oh,” You still put the AJ down on the table in front of you. “Well, that’s cool I guess. I didn’t know this ship had one of those.”

“We had to install it, which is a lot easier than you think. The hard part was figuring out what the recipe for that stuff was.” She nods towards the glass and now you’re starting to feel a little bad.

It sounds like she went through a lot of work to create a nice surprise for you and now your hyper active imagination is ruining it. There’s just so much complicated stuff happening already without you worrying about a pleasant gift.

You don’t pick up the AJ again though. Your thoughts are busy taking you elsewhere. More specifically, your thoughts are taking you next door, to where a sleeping Jade Harley is currently residing. After the battle on The Beat Mesa, she’d been pretty tuckered out. You can understand that. After shooting at your Bro, killing you, and then reviving you, anyone would be tired.

The scene plays over and over in your mind. Thanks to your role as Knight of Time, you know exactly how long it took for that whole sequence of events to take place. Such a small about of time, filled to the brim with such earth shattering events.

What would you have done if Jade had killed your Bro?

Good question. You guess that maybe you would be mad at her, but then again she was only trying to save John. Yet she really didn’t give you a chance to talk to Bro, did she? Everything had just happened too fast.

Right now everyone is alive and you’ll take that as a blessing any day of the week.

“Are you hungry?” Terezi breaks through your thoughts. “I could probably whip up some grub stew if you want.”

“Grub Stew? Aren’t troll babies called grubs, or something? I’m pretty sure that’s cannibalism.”

“They’re called wrigglers and Grub Stew doesn’t have actually grubs in it. That’s just what it’s called.”

“Well now, doesn’t that make a pile of sense.”

“Like you can talk,” She chuckles. “Hot Dogs don’t have actual dogs in them, right?”

“Depends which country you’re in.”

“What’s a country?”

“Never mind.” You lean back in your chair again, bringing the front legs off the ground. Besides the creaking of your seat, and the gentle hum of the ship’s engine, it’s eerily quiet below deck. It’s too quiet. You need to break this oppressive silence though whatever means necessary. “Hey, Terezi.”

“Yeah, Dave.”

“I’m, uh… I’m sorry that my Bro attacked your base and tried to kill you.” You scratch at your nose, jostling your shades slightly.

You wait for her to respond, but she doesn’t. Time passes and eventually you turn to look at her. Terezi’s mouth is slightly agape and her awesome red shades glare at you.

“What’s wrong with you, Dave? Why do you think everything is your fault all the time?”

Well you certainly weren’t expecting that.

“What are you talking about?” You snap maybe a little too forcefully. “I’m just sorry that it happened.”

“I know, but you can’t help that your brother is a psycho. You can’t take responsibility for his actions.”

“I’m not and my Bro is not a psycho. He’s being brain washed.” You snatch up your AJ and down the rest of it. “Rose said so and John thinks so and that’s good enough for me.”

“Alright, whatever you say.” She picks at her fingernails, leaving you to stare at her thoughtfully.

Terezi genuinely seems to care about you, although you feel justified in saying that she might be looking into your business a little too much. What is it with women and not taking things at face value? All you did was extend some sympathy and she used it as an excuse to accuse you of carrying the can.

You’re about to drop a clever rebuttal which will make you look awesome and make her look silly when there’s a knock at the door.

“Uh, hey.” John’s just stuck his head in. “Dave are you busy?”

“Naw man,” You glance to Terezi. “We’re just hanging out. You need something?”

John steps fully into the room and pulls up a chair at your little table. He rests his hands on the table, drumming his thumbs and thinking. You give him time to get his thoughts in order.

“Well, you know about Karkat’s Jive party tomorrow, right?” He begins.

“Jive party?” You echo. “Dude, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You don’t know? I just passed Jade outside and she didn’t know either.” He rubs his chin. “Kanaya said that she was going to tell everyone.”

“She must have neglected to tell me, which is pretty stupid when you take into account that any party is going to have to be DJ’d by me.” You rub a circle on the table as if you’re scratching a record. “And what’s Harley doing walking around? She’s supposed to be resting.”

“I think she just wanted some air.”

“What’s this I hear about a party?” Terezi interjects, leaning forward into your conversation.

“Apparently tomorrow is a holiday.” John explains. “You know, Twelfth Perigee’s Eve or something. There’s supposed to be a dance.”

“The Mlpuia Jive!” Terezi jumps from her seat and slams her palms on the table. The furniture shakes and your empty glass dances over the edge to shatter on the floor. “Holy shit! Are you serious?!”

“Uh, yeah.” John eyes Terezi warily. “Are you alright?”

“Am I alright?!” She repeats incredulously. “I’m fantastic! This is the greatest thing to happen since forever. It’s no wonder Kanaya didn’t tell anyone, she probably got distracted.” A thought seems to strike her like a ton of bricks. “Oh my Gog. If it’s tomorrow, then there’s so much to do.”

“Like what?” You ask lazily. “What’s the big deal?”

John shoots you a worried look and you realize that ‘ _what’s the big deal’_ was probably the wrong thing to say. Terezi’s enthusiasm seemed to erupt from nowhere, but now that the toothpaste is out of the bottle, there’s literally no way to coax it back in. She starts to speak, like she’s giving a lecture, and you instinctively tune her out.

“DAVE! The Mlpuia Jive is the blah blah blah blah blah once in a life time blah blah all kinds of drama blah blah blah blah blurgh blah wicked moves blah blah blah blah blah blah blah partners…”

“Whoa!” You snap back into zone. “What’s this about partners?”

“Were supposed to have partners.” John answers with a shrug. “And that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m planning on asking…”

“Hey, are you guys talking about the Mlpuia Jive tomorrow?” Rose appears in the doorway like someone had flicked a switch.

“You bet your purple ass we are!” Terezi cackles. “It’s going to rock ultimate, I’m telling you.”

“How do you know that?” Rose saunters in and alights in a chair next to John. “You’ve never been to one.”

“Yeah, well I’ve read about them.” Terezi answers a little defensively. “We were just discussing dates.” She addresses John. “What were you going to say blue boy?”

All eyes are on your best bro now and suddenly he seems to be very nervous.

“Uh, well…” He tugs at the color of his shirt. “I was just saying that I don’t know who to ask.”

“You don’t have a partner yet?” Rose asks. She looks pretty surprised.

“No.” He rubs the back of his neck.

“Oh, I see.” Rose looks away from him and scratches at some chipped paint on the table.

You raise your eyebrows and bore a hole into John’s forehead with your shaded gaze. What’s he playing at? Before your ecto-sister showed up, he was about to run something by you. What happened?

Terezi doesn’t seem to notice John’s diversion, and instead turns to you.

“What about you, Dave? Do you know who you’re taking? I’m totally available by the way. Hehe.”

That’s a good question, one that merits some thought. You wonder what would piss off Karkat more: if you neglected this party entirely or if you went and totally fucked everything up, you’re talking Animal House style. Probably the latter. If you’re going though, Terezi’s right, you’ll need a fine lass on your arm.

“Karkat said that we shouldn’t have any interspecies relationships.” John pipes up and then quickly adds. “I mean, partners not relationships.”

“Oh well poo on him.” Terezi crosses her arms. “He doesn’t control us.”

“Hey Rose,” You see an opening and you take it. “Why don’t you go with John?”

Your sister looks up quickly. Her gaze flicks to you and then to John and then back to the table again.

“I already have a date.” She answers quietly.

All eyes are on her now. John frowns and you can tell that he’s thinking the same thing you’re thinking: If she isn’t going with John, and you doubt that she’s going with Jade, then she’s definitely going with one of the trolls. So much for Karkat’s one rule.

“Really?!” Terezi giggles, red shades flashing merrily. “Who? No let me guess. Is it… _Kanaya_???”

Rose nods and a tinge of red colors her cheeks.

“Karkat will be pissed.” You smirk. “But then again he’s a punk bitch anyway. Who cares what he thinks. Congrats on landing your first date, sis.”

“It’s not a date.” Rose’s lip quirks up anyway. “We’re just having a little fun, blowing off some steam.”

“Don’t let Kanaya hear you saying that. She’s been obsessing over you ever since you entered the game.” Terezi reclaims her chair from where she’d knocked it over earlier. “So I guess this means that you and I are clear for takeoff, huh?”

Terezi’s sharp elbow jabs you in the ribs and you try not to wince in pain. If there’s anything you know, it’s that wincing is completely uncool.

“Not necessarily.” You lace your fingers behind your head. “Maybe I want to explore my horizons. See what the poon train has to offer me. You never know.”

John smiles for the first time in a while, while Rose rolls her eyes. You consider this to be a victory.

“Poon train?” Terezi seems confused. “What does that mean?”

“Just a fine example of David’s uncouth behavior and use of demeaning terminology.” Rose glares at you. “He uses it to cover up the fact that there’s not a person on this ship who would enjoy his company tomorrow evening.”

“First off, never call me David again, Rosalind. Secondly, I bet that I’ll have another invite to tomorrow’s dance before you’re even climbing into bed tonight, snuggling up with your creepy tentacle dolls.”

“Your full name isn’t Rosalind.” John chimes in, turning to Rose. “I thought it was- mrph.”

Rose slaps her hand over John’s mouth. You’ll have to remember to pump John for teasing ammunition later. Your ecto-sister’s full name must be pretty lame if she doesn’t want you knowing it. You wonder how John found out what it is.

“Anyways.” Rose shoots John a scathing look and slowly removes her hand from his mouth. “I highly doubt that anyone besides Terezi will invite you again, Dave.”

“You’ll just have to wait and see. Although I think you should prepare a nice table setting for when the time comes to eat your words.” You turn to Terezi. “Sorry, Tz. But I’m going to prove a point. You can come with me to the next dance, alright?”

“Whatever.” Terezi rises from her chair the final time. “I’ll see you later.”

She exits and you’re left feeling sort of like a dick. You glance down at the shards of glass nearby, which no one had bothered to clean up yet. You’ll apologize to Terezi later, after you’ve proven yourself to be the irresistible male you know you are and scored a date without even lifting so much as a finger.

You hear footsteps and you look up to see that your chance to prove your point has just arrived. It’s much sooner than you expected, but hey, you don’t have much time for bullshit anyways. Not when your schedule is already jam packed with being awesome.

“Sup, Harley.” You nod at Jade as she enters. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m good.” She does a wave that encompasses the whole room. “I’m great actually.”

She sinks into Terezi’s vacated chair and you feel that there is no problem with admitting that she does, in fact, look great. Her skin is no longer ghostly pale, her hand is swathed in fresh bandages, and her signature, toothy grin is smeared across her face like a stroke of brilliant paint. You’re almost ready to tell Rose and your silly bet to go to hell, just so you can ask Jade to the Jive. Then Harley speaks.

“I’m sorry for shooting you earlier.” Jade looks at you with her big, sad, puppy eyes. “And for leaving your sword behind, and for trying to kill your Bro, and… well a bunch of stuff.”

Ah yes, all _that_ stuff. It’s funny how quickly reality fades when you’re talking about typically teenager shenanigans. It’s even funnier how hard and fast reality can reaffirm itself.

“It’s nothing.” You say.

“But Dave…”

“You brought me back to life.  Consider us more even than Steven.” You send a little smirk her way. “I can always buy another sword.”

She smiles back.

“Thanks.” She beams, happy that conflict has been avoided.

“Don’t mention it.” You turn to John. “So maybe you can help us with something, Harley. John here needs a date for the party tomorrow.”

“You don’t have one yet?!” She looks from John to Rose. “Oh, I mean… why not?”

“Well we just found out about it didn’t we?” John throws his hands in the air. “It’s not my fault that everyone started snatching people up before I could even walk down the stairs.”

Rose reaches up and messes wither her headband, even though it was already as perfectly positioned as always. She coughs into her hand.

“How did you find out about the Mlpuia Jive, Jade?” She asks. “I thought you were sleeping.”

“John told me about it when I went to go check out the rest of the ship.” She gestures around vaguely. “Did you guys know that all of this stuff was down here? It’s a lot bigger than I thought it was. The view from the deck is really pretty too. Anyways, this party sounds like a lot of fun!”

“All the trolls definitely seem to be excited about it.” John says. “Are you guys worried that maybe we’ll screw everything up?”

“What do you mean?” Jade addresses her ecto-brother.

“I mean, we don’t know any of the customs, right? This is supposed to be a really big deal. What if we do something wrong?”

“Who cares?” You rub your eyes. Man, you wish you had more AJ. “It’s just some stupid dance.”

“It’s also Karkat’s birthday.”

“I stand corrected: It’s a stupid dance _and_ a stupid birthday party.”

“Don’t listen to Dave.” Rose reaches out and grabs John’s hand. “I’ll walk you through some of the different rituals later. By tomorrow you’ll know all there is to know about the Mlpuia Jive.”

“Thanks, Rose.” John smiles, although you’re sure he isn’t happy at the prospect of spending all night _studying_. You know you wouldn’t be. “I still don’t have a partner though. I’ll be like the only guy all by his lonesome.”

“I don’t think Aradia, Equius, or Nepeta have dates. You could ask one of them!” Jade helps brightly. “I would go with you John, but I already have a date.”

The eternal ticking in your chest stops for once and you’re positive that if you were drinking more AJ, everyone at this table would have just witnessed a glorious spit-take.

“What the hell are you spinning, Harley?” You blurt.

“I beg your pardon?” She turns to you, confusion shining from behind the round lenses of her glasses.

“You just said that you have a date, right?” You hope you’re wrong. “Or am I just hearing shit.”

“No, you’re hearing is fine.” Jade giggles. “I totally have a date!”

“Bullshit.” You laugh, actually laugh. It’s more like a bark though, loud and harsh. So uncool. “You _can’t_ have a date.”

Confusion and excitement gives way to defiance.

“Oh yeah!” She frowns. “And why the fuck not?”

“Because well… Jade, you… you can’t have a date… Who?” You’re having trouble coming up with a good argument. ‘ _You can’t have a date, because I wanted to go with you’_ , sounds pretty lame in your head.

“Who’s my date?” She asks and you nod. “You know what, Dave?” Jade stands up. “I don’t think that’s any of your damn business.”

And with that, she nods curtly to John and Rose and absconds the fuck away from you. If you didn’t feel like a piece of shit before, you certainly feel like one now. You don’t shut up though.

“She can’t have a date,” You mutter. “No fucking way.”

It just can’t be possible. Who could have asked her out? She hasn’t talked to any of the trolls much, at least that you know of. She has to be lying, pulling your leg or yanking your chain. You can’t think of a single person on this ship with whom she would have agreed to go with.

Hell, who are _you_ going to go with? If not Harley and not Terezi, then who? You look across the table at John, who’s turned around in his chair staring after Jade. Would it be weird if two best buds crashed a party together?

Regardless, you aren’t going to be showing up to this shindig all alone. Fuck, even your nerdy, spooky ecto-sister landed a hot date.

“Well, Dave.” Rose speaks and instantly you wish that she wasn’t here. “You’ve certainly proven your point. I don’t know _what_ point you meant to prove exactly, but I guess it really doesn’t matter. You’ve proven you can be an insensitive douchebag quite effectively.”

“Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? You grumble and rest your head on the back of your chair, then add: “Why don't you take a flying fuck at the moon?”

John snorts and stands up with the scrape of chair legs across the floor.

“Okay then,” He claps once. “I guess I’m off to find a date. Wish me luck.”

You raise your hand, thumb extended, without looking at your friend. You doubt you’ll be able to look at any of these people ever again.

“Good luck.” Rose says. “I’m sure you’ll find someone. Why don’t you come back here when you’re done so I can begin tutoring you in all that is Jive?”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” John makes his exit. The door barely shuts before he’s pushing his head back through the door. “Oh, and Rose?”

“Yes?” She looks up from her lap.

There’s a long pause, as John seems to be struggling with something. Eventually he manages to say:

“Save a dance for me, will you?”

Rose’s face goes slightly pink once more and her mouth opens and closes once, before finally settling on a small smile.

“I… Yes. Of course, John.”

Then your best friend is gone and you’re left alone with your traitorous thoughts and your snarky ecto-sister. You relish the few seconds of silence you have before Rose _really_ starts chewing you out. Eventually though, you’ll have to duel with her razor sharp tongue delivering cutting remarks straight to where they’ll do the most damage. It’s like she knows the pressure points of your soul.

“Before you begin,” You speak quickly. “I just want to say that I’m a fucking idiot, who deserves to burn in hell for the rest of eternity. Not regular hell either. A very special hell only for people like me. It’s full of plushy puppet rump all dancing nude and singing Hall and Oates in Karkat’s voice.”

Rose heaves a heavy sigh, rolls her eyes, and delicately rises from her chair.

“I believe my work here is done.” She pushes her seat into its correct position under the table. “I would go apologize while I have the chance. Good night, David.”

You snort as the door closes behind her.

“Huge witch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than any of my other ones and I apologize for that. I just felt like this one needed to be cut off by content whether than word count. The intermission chapters are going to be shorter than main act chapters anyways. 
> 
> Dave will make it up to Jade and Terezi. John will find some sweet troll date. Karkat will have to deal with interspecies relationships popping up all over the gaf. But such is the Mlpuia Jive.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	18. INT 1 - PART 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to blane for commenting.

=> Be Terezi Pyrope

You are Terezi Pyrope.

On any other occasion, you’d be pressing your sensitive nose to the walls of this ship and breathing in the sweet, honey-comb scent wafting through the corridors. Right now though, you’re too pissed to appreciate the delicious, floating sense-fest that’s been handed to you on a silver platter.

“Dave _Fucking_ Strider.” You mutter darkly under your breath as you stomp down the hallway.

Where does he get off, completely disregarding your invitation? He may be too cool for Motherfucking School, but he is definitely not too cool for you. After everything you’d done for him too. That stupid apple juice was not easy to make. You’d spent hours working out the recipe and breathing in the foul scented liquid. Seriously, why does he even like that stuff? It smells like piss.

Brooding over your wasted efforts and remembering Dave’s stupid AJ, a thought slams into you like a sword in the back. You were heading towards the stairs and the top deck, but now you’re changing your course and heading deeper into the belly of the ship.

You don’t knock before throwing the door open. Kanaya calmly looks over her shoulder to regard her disturber. An absurd amount of fabric is draped across her lap and you notice that the Alchemiter is working overtime to spit more of the colorful cloth into a pile nearby.

“Karkat’s not going to be happy that you’re wasting resources for more clothes.” You say, quickly scanning the room.

“It isn’t for me,” Kanaya turns back to her work, shaping some of the cloth much like a baker would dough. “I’ve taken it upon myself to make decorations for the Mlpuia Jive tomorrow. I assume that you’re aware of the celebration.”

“Yes, no thanks to _you_.” You find what you’re looking for buried under a pile of what looks like waist coats. “Ah, bingo! Hehe.”

 Kanaya looks up again.

“I’m sorry for not spreading the news like I told Karkat I would. I got distracted with…” She watches you struggle for a few seconds. “Terezi where are you going with that keg? What’s even in there?”

“It’s apple juice that I made for Dave,” You huff and drag the barrel towards the door a few more inches. “I’m dumping it overboard because he’s A PIECE OF SHIT!”

A wry grin twists Kanaya’s elegant lips.

“And I thought _I_ was the one wasting resources.”

“Stow it, Fussyfangs.” You tug the barrel over the threshold and out into the hallway. “Congrats on landing Lalonde by the way. She’s a cutie, not that I noticed.”

“Oh, um… thanks?” Kanaya blushes subtly. You can tell that she’s unsure what to do with your praise. This is her first real date after all. “Do you have a partner yet? I can see that Dave is most likely out of the question.”

“You bet. That scrumdiddlyumptious piece of human meat can kiss this troll ass goodbye.” You take a break, leaning against the wall for a second. “At least for this particular occasion. Who knows about the future though? I can’t stay mad at Dave for long. He knows my weakness.”

“What? A disturbing fixation on all things red?”

“Nope.” You grin and start to haul the barrel once more, calling down the hall. “I can’t resist a cool kid!”

You hear Kanaya giggle softly and consider that little conversation to be a victory. The vampire fashion queen has always held a special place in your heat, although your interactions have been scarce at best. She’s just so innocent to you, so cute. You can’t wait for Rose to corrupt her (in the good way, not the Vriska way).

The barrel gets caught on a snag on the floor and you tug a little harder than necessary to free it. The floor board cracks, but you don’t care all too much. You don’t own this ship. Hell, you don’t know who _does_. Maybe Jade, since it was originally docked in LOFAF. But then how did it get there? Who put it there?

You wonder these things for a little while before you remember that you don’t really care. As tasty as this airship smells and most likely tastes, you don’t plan on spending more time here than absolutely necessary. You relish the day when this whole quest is over and you can return to your hive, with its plush dragons and impromptu courtroom scenarios.

You used to role-play a lot. You used to role-play a lot _with_ Vriska. At least until things got out of hand. She always takes things too far.

“Took.” You correct yourself. “She always _took_ things too far.”

Getting the barrel up the stairs is harder than you would have thought. You quickly decide that dragging it from the front is preferable to pushing it from behind. There’s less chance of you being crushed if you lose your grip this way.

The edge of the barrel _thunks_ against each step as you ascend.

What was her problem anyways? You’re fully aware that your Scourge Sister was always a bit of a psychopath, but was she really one Human Matesprit away from losing her mind completely? Blaming Vriska’s relationship with John for her radical behavior may not be the _right_ thing to do, but it certainly makes things easier.

The strain on your fingers and a final _thunk_ as you reach the top step pulls you from your thoughts. You realize too late that you’re losing your grip and the keg slips from your grasp.

“Fuck!” You exclaim, ready for the inevitable tumble in store for the barrel.

It never comes though. A hand comes from behind you and latches onto the edge of the container, halting its progress. You turn your head to look over your shoulder and don your toothiest, most shit eating grin possible.

“Oh, my hero. Hehe.” You giggle in Karkat’s face.

“Shut up and help me!” He snarls and you comply, grabbing the barrel again. “Fuck! What the hell is in this thing?! It’s heavy as dicks!”

“Human Apple Juice for Dave.” You explain as the pair of you drag it fully onto the deck. “I’m tossing it overboard because he’s an asshole.”

“What… How… Terezi?” Karkat scrubs his face with his palm. “Dammit, how did this apple juice get here? You didn’t make it, did you? We don’t have the resources for this kind of shit.”

“Don’t fill a pail over it.” You wave him off, before lying. “It didn’t cost that much to make. We’ve got tons of grist and other stuff left. Don’t worry.”

The Apple Juice was pretty expensive by itself and now that Kanaya’s going to town with her decorations, you all might just find yourselves in bad shape supply-wise.

“Don’t make things harder than they have to be, Terezi.” Karkat sounds tired. “We’ve got enough things to worry about already.”

“Fugh!” You groan and begin dragging the keg again, this time towards the railing. “Don’t be such a worry-miester. Everything is going to be okay. I promise.”

Karkat, driven by whatever tiny chivalrous bone in his body, reluctantly steps up and helps you lift the Apple Juice burdened barrel onto the edge of the ship.

“How can you promise something like that?” He demands, slightly out of breath. “Everything’s hitting the metaphorical fan at once, Terezi, and it’s all going to come back to me _when_ , not if, everything goes to shit.”

With one hand, you give a gentle shove and send the last case of Apple Juice in the universe tumbling into open space. You would like to see it slam into the ground, but alas it’s now too dark and clouds are obscuring everything but the silver moon.

“Listen up, Nubs.” You turn to your leader and slap both of your hands onto his shoulders, holding him steady. “Tomorrow is your Wriggling Day and also the first and possible last Mlpuia Jive we will ever attend. Do you know what that means?”

“No.” He tries to squirm out of your grasp, but you dig your nails into his sweater.

“It means that you are going to take a page from Dave Strider’s book, no matter how much you don’t want to, and chill the fuck out. That’s an order, Karkat. Am I understood?”

“You can’t give me orders.” He grumbles averting your gaze. “And I don’t have to _chill out_ or have fun if I don’t want to.” Karkat tries to escape again, but you aren’t an easy lady to evade. “And another thing,” He snaps. “If you want me to do something, don’t mention Fucking Strider! I wouldn’t take a page out of his shitty book to save my life!”

“You are going to have fun tomorrow, Karkat.” You say, firing off another grin. “And do you know why?”

“No and I don’t care.”

“Because you’re going to be my partner! Haha.” You answer your own question with a cackle and Karkat suddenly stills, no longer attempting escape.

“Oh no.” He groans again. “Oh man, this is so incredibly awkward.”

“I know what you’re going to say.” You hold up a hand to silence him. “We used to be Matesprits and it’ll be uncomfortable and stuff, but that’s in no way going to be a problem, okay? It’ll just be two buds crashing a party together. No strings attatached and nothing weird.”

 Karkat simply stares at you for a while. You wait until you start to get impatient, which is about five seconds. Seriously, is it so hard to say one word? A simple _’yes’_ and then you can move onto better-quality shit.”

“Terezi, I… uh… fucking hell.” He closes his eyes. “Terezi, I already have a partner.”

Well you weren’t expecting that.

“HAHAHAHAHA!” Laughter pours from your throat like Apple Juice down Dave’s stupid gullet. “No you don’t!”

“Yeah, I do!” Karkat’s lip rises like he’s getting ready to growl at you.

“Stop being ridiculous!” You eyes are starting to tear up from laughing so much. “You can’t possibly have a partner! No one on this ship can stand you for more than thirty seconds. You’re too cranky, too loud, too…”

“What is your problem?!” He shouts, cutting you off. “Why are you bothering me right now? Just leave me alone.”

“Karkat, you can’t go to the dance alone. Just go with me.” You reach for his hand. “Come on, it’ll be fun! Hehe.”

He wrenches out of your grasp as if you’ve burned him.

“I ALREADY TOLD YOU! I HAVE A FUCKING DATE!” You can tell that you’ve pissed him off now. “AND I WOULDN’T GO WITH YOU EVEN IF I DIDN’T!”

He stalks away from you, disappearing down the stairs and heading below deck for the night.

“Liar.” You mutter and face your back to him.

Maybe you’d been a little too quick to call him on his lie? You probably should have humored him for a bit, pretended that he actually had a date, and then swooped in for the kill when he showed up to the Jive alone. Then you would have looked like the hero instead of the villain like you do right now.

You just can’t believe that he lied to your face like that. There isn’t a single person that you can think of that would have agreed to go with him.

Kanaya and Rose are together, Aradia is probably still upset about being accused earlier, Dave just straight up hates him, John doesn’t like boys for some reason, Equius wouldn’t be caught dead with a low blood, and Nepeta would be way too shy to even get the words out. Not to mention Karkat wouldn’t go for Nepeta if she was the only troll left in the universe. That only leaves you and Jade.

The perky human is too _nice_ to pair up with someone like Karkat, who is the antithesis of nice. Sure, you’d seen him faun over her earlier, but you seriously doubt that Jade would ever reciprocate whatever feelings he may have for her.

As a paragon of justice and master detective, you can piece together the evidence rather easily.

Karkat asked Jade, got completely rejected, and lashed out at you just to make himself feel better. You’re half inclined to forgive him and try proposing to him again later. The other half of you, the more powerful half, says that Karkat should be taught a lesson and end up with someone he hates, instead of with you, like he should be.

You look across the deck to Equius and Nepeta, who are both lingering about the steering wheel. A smile known as your _‘scheming smile’_ slowly contorts your lips. With a crack of your knuckles you start walking towards them.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you are about to do something you haven’t done in a really long time:

Ask out a girl.

A tiny part of you wishes that a bolt of lightning will strike the golden ship, killing everyone on board and preventing you from having to go through with this. However, another part of you knows that hoping for divine intervention is stupid. Being stuck down by lightning probably isn’t a heroic or just death either, so you’ll probably just come back to life anyway.

Then there’s the third and final part of your brain, which sounds remarkably like Dave.

_“Just nut up and do it, Bro.”_ It says. _“The worst thing that can happen is that you get completely shut down and brutally humiliated, but even then, you’re used to that, right?”_

Wow. Thanks imaginary Dave.

You decide that putting it off any longer is probably not going to make it any easier. After leaving Dave and Rose alone, you trudge down the hallway and towards the stairs.  It’s the middle of the night as far as you can tell, but the inside of the ship is still brightly illuminated. You guess that has something to do with the Alternian Exo-Paint or whatever it was that Karkat talked about. You don’t see any conventional lightening methods on the walls or ceiling.

You’re just setting your foot down on the bottom step, almost ready to ascend, when someone comes jogging down towards you.

“Move it, Egderp.” Terezi tries to walk through you. “I’ve got places to do, things to see. Hehehe.”

“Uh, I think you got that saying backwards.” You say, dodging out of her path a little clumsily.

“Don’t care.” She grins over her shoulder at you before disappearing around a corner.

What’s her deal? When she left the room earlier, she’d seemed a little ticked off. Now she’s back to her usual overly-eccentric self.

Women. You’ll never understand them for as long as you live.

Honestly you’re patience has been running a little thin with Terezi for a while now. She sort of tricked you into killing yourself when you’d first entered the game a long time ago and then she very recently killed your hot alien girlfriend. What’s she always smiling about anyways? It’s like she’s always laughing at one big joke that no one else understands.

It’s kind of… annoying.

You decide to keep your personal grievances to yourself. This dance is already burning with the smoky flames of drama without you pouring gasoline onto the pile. In fact, now that you’re all working as a team, it seems very unlikely that you’ll ever give Terezi a piece of your mind. With your number of friends decreasing at an alarming rate, you won’t risk any more by picking fights.

As you had guessed, it’s already well into the night when you reach the top deck. It’s quieter up here than ever now, with only Equius and Nepeta by the wheel and Aradia still by herself near the railing. Funnily enough, these are exactly the people that you need to see.

“Hey, guys.” You say, approaching Equius and Nepeta. “How’s it going?”

“Don’t waste your breath, John.” Equius says immediately, holding up his hand. “I’ve already acquired a date for the Mlpuia Jive.”

“Er… I wasn’t… I’m just saying _‘hi’_.”

This is a bad sign. If you can’t even talk to one of your friends without things getting awkward, how are you ever going to talk to a potential date?

“Oh,” Equius seems surprised… and a little sweaty. “Forgive me. I simply assumed…”

“No, no. Don’t worry about it.” You rub the back of your neck. “So, who asked you?”

“You’ll nefur guess who!” Nepeta chimes in with a grin.

“Was it…”

“It was Terezi!” She answers before you can.

“Really?” You turn to Equius. You didn’t know that he and Terezi had a thing. “Well congratulations, pal.”

“Thank you… Uh, pal.” He punches you on the shoulder in what you guess is supposed to be a friendly way. 

Your arm might be broken.

“I’m sure my evening with Terezi will be one to remember.” He continues with a smile, flashing his many broken teeth and casting a glance somewhere over your shoulder towards Aradia. “I don’t mean to sound fulsome, but I’m quite the dancer.”

“Are you being serious?” You ask. “Equius that’s awesome! You have to teach me some moves.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Can you teach me to dance?” You clarify. “I’ve never really done something like this before and I’d really like not to make an ass of myself.”

Equius seems taken aback.

“You want me to… instruct you on the art of dance?”

“Yes!”

“I’m… afraid that isn’t possible, John.”

“What?”

“I can’t.” Equius dabs at his forehead with a towel that Nepeta just handed to him. “I just don’t hoof- I mean, _have_ the time. Dancing is a skill you’re born with, not taught.”

“There isn’t anything you can teach me?”

“No. There isn’t.” He draws himself up to his full height. “Now if you’ll excuse me. Goodnight Nepeta.” He nods to his Morial and then stomps across the deck towards the stairs.

“What the fuck was that?” You say, staring after him.

“You made him nervous.” Nepeta responds with a shrug of her little shoulders. “You should know that it isn’t pawlite to call people out like that.”

You look down at Nepeta, stunned.

“I didn’t mean to _‘call him out’_. I just asked if he could help me.”

“Well he didn’t see it that way. Let him cool off a bit, then you can ask again litter.”

“You mean, later?”

“Yeah, litter.”

You roll your eyes and try to think of a way that you can make your escape before…

“You know, Johnkitty.” Nepeta tugs on your sleeve softly. “I don’t have a purtner to the Jive yet.”

“You should ask, Karkat.” You’re really questioning why you came over here now. Seriously, it wasn’t like you were planning to ask Equius or Nepeta. Maybe you just wanted to see a friendly face?”

“Oh, I couldn’t pawssibly do that!” She gasps. “Terezi told me to do the same thing, but I just know that Karkitty would never say _‘yes’_.”

“Well, you could always try.” You fully realize that you’re a beggar trying to chose, but if you can avoid going with the fucking crazy cat girl to the Jive, then you’ll do it.

“No I can’t.” She frowns deeply, looking up at you with those fucking enormous eyes. “If mew don’t have a date Johnkitty, you can always go with…”

“Dave!” You blurt.

“What?” Nepeta looks confused.

“Dave doesn’t have a date.” You speak quickly. “You should go ask him!”

“He’s too… cool for me.” Her frown deepens. “He would never say yes.”

“Nepeta, trust me.” You cautiously rest a hand on her shoulder. “I can guarantee you that he’ll say _‘yes’_.”

“How do you know?” She asks.

“I don’t know. I just have this feeling.” You smile in what you hope is a reassuring way. “Go ask. I promise that he won’t shut you down.”

“Well… okay, then.” Nepeta brightens slightly. “I’ll go ask!”

You watch her scamper away, following Equius down the stairs.

What you just did may make you a bad person and if you’re being honest with yourself, you do feel kind of bad. You don’t feel bad for taking advantage of Dave’s stupid bet with Rose to set him up with Nepeta. What makes you feel bad is how easily you were able to evade the cat girl. Maybe Rose was right in saying that some of Vriska’s clever conniving rubbed off on you?

You sigh and look over to the only other person left on the deck of the ship:

You’d talked to the female troll… once? Maybe? You have no earthly idea. It feels like you were barely even introduced when you’d first arrived at the troll’s old base. You know that she took care of Jade when she was injured, but really that’s it.

It almost seems wrong of you to go over and talk to her. She’s been sitting all by herself for so long, like she’s participating in some sort of vigil. None of the other trolls have bothered her and as far as you know, you might be intruding on some sort of weird alien ceremony or something.

You swallow hard. There’s literally no one else that you can ask. This is it. You’re going to do this.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

You debate whether you should just walk up to her quietly or loudly, so as to announce your presence before you even arrive. Walking quietly is probably the wrong thing to do. You don’t want to surprise her after all. Walking loudly doesn’t seem good to you either, since you’ll probably just look like a stupid, uncoordinated oaf. What you need to do is walk with the perfect amount of sound. Not too loud and not too soft, so that SHE’S GETTING UP AND SHE’S GOING TO WALK AWAY DO SOMETHING YOU IDIOT!

You watch Aradia slowly rise to her feet and stretch luxuriously, like a cat. Not like a Nepeta-type cat, but an almost… sexy-type cat. You just now notice how attractive Aradia is.

You can’t do this. Holy shit, you cannot do this.

Aradia looks out over the railing towards the horizon, then down to her hand. She’s holding a rock. It’s red and a little shiny.

Maybe you could use that to your advantage? You could be all like: _‘Hey babe, nice rock. Do you want to go to the dance?’_.

She grasps the rock tightly in her palm before quickly tossing it over the railing. The red stone disappears into the clouds along with your potential icebreaker. Shit, now you have to come up with another smooth as silk pick-up line.

Her bushy, black hair rustles in the gentle breeze and you try not to stare at it. You need to make your move now, while she’s currently standing there and looking sadly into the distance.

“Uh, hey.” You take a few steps toward her. “Aradia?”

Her head whips around quickly, causing her dark hair to swirl around her curved horns. She simply stares at you for a second, as if she’s trying to remember who you are.

“Hello.” She eventually says.

“I’m John.” You hold out your hand. Her eyes shift from your face down to your proffered appendage, then back up to your eyes.

“Aradia.” She takes your hand and shakes it firmly. “We’ve met before.”

“Yeah, I know.” You try to smile, but you probably just look like you’re in pain. “We didn’t get to talk that much though, did we? I hope I’m not interrupting something, by the way.”

“Interrupting?” She repeats. “What do you mean?”

“Well you kind of looked like you were in the middle of something.” You nod towards the edge of the ship where she was just sitting scant seconds ago. “I didn’t know if you were busy or…”

“No, not busy. Just…” She looks towards the horizon again at something that you can’t see. “Just saying goodbye, I suppose.”

Two things are confirmed now. One: you’ve definitely just interrupted something private. And two: Aradia is waaaay prettier up close and waaaay out of your league.

“I’m sorry about your friends.” You want to hug her, but you’re afraid she’ll beat you. “They all seemed nice.”

“Most of them were.” She crosses her arms, but not in the annoyed way, more like the relaxed way. “I doesn’t matter though. Don’t be sorry, John.”

“I just think it’s unfortunate.”

“It is, but shit happens. We live, we die. People are disposable and that’s just the way things are.”

Fuck. Things are _not_ going according to plan.

“I don’t think that’s necessarily true.” You mumble. “I mean, people aren’t _disposable_. I think everyone has a purpose.”

“If everyone had a purpose, then why did they all die?” She’s quick with the comebacks. “Both of our worlds and countless others destroyed apparently for no reason. We survive only to get here and fight amongst ourselves, killing each other just because we can’t handle the stress of being the only ones left.”

You guess that the only reason you’re being pulled into this discussion is because she hasn’t talked to anyone else about it. She’s venting to you and you’re surprisingly okay with that.

“I agree that everything might seem a little hopeless sometimes.” You prop yourself against the railing. “But then I remember that there’s still something to fight for.”

“Like what?”

“Well, maybe the reason that everyone died was so that we could bring them back? If that makes any sense. Like it’s our purpose to rebuild our worlds and once we’ve done that, then everyone we saved will have the chance to find their own purpose.”

“That sounds a little far-fetched to me.” She smirks and you take that as a good sign. “Forgive me, John. This probably isn’t what you intended to talk about when you came over here.”

“Honestly, it’s not.” You laugh. “But this is good though, we’re getting to know each other and stuff, right?”

“I guess so, but all you’ve learned about me so far is that I’m a jaded bitch.”

“You’re not a jaded bitch, you’re just… normal. It’s okay to feel like there’s no point to anything every once and a while, but that’s why you have your friends around to cheer you up.”

“I have no friends, not anymore.” She juts her chin towards the stairs. “Everyone here thinks I’m a murderer.”

“They think you killed Gamzee?”

“Yes.”

“Well you didn’t, right?”

“Of course not.” She averts your gaze. “Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to. But I didn’t.”

“I believe you.” You say instantly and genuinely. “And I’m not just saying that because I want you to go to the dance with me. I really mean it.”

You expect Aradia to say _‘thanks’_ or at least something like _‘okay’_ , but she’s just staring at you like you’ve suddenly started to cry blood.

“There’s a dance?” She asks. “What dance? What are you talking about?”

“Huh?”

“You just mentioned a dance, right now. You said that you want me to go with you.”

You think back to your previous statement. Had you really just let that slip? Hot dammed you’re a fucking idiot and there you were wondering why no girl has ever liked you before. Well besides Vriska and maybe Rose when she’s drunk.

“Uh… Have I mentioned how much I like your satchel? It’s pretty bad ass.”

**Sweet deflection!**

“Thanks, now tell me: is there a dance or are you just completely socially inept.”

“Both.” You decide to fess up. “Tomorrow’s Twelfth Perigee’s Eve and…” You explain the Mlpuia Jive, Karkat’s birthday, the whole shebang. It doesn’t take long before Aradia gets what you’re trying to say.

“I see.” She seems much less excited at the prospect of the Mlpuia Jive than anyone else. Maybe that’s a good thing? If she agrees to go with you, there’s less of a chance that you’ll disappoint her. “So I guess you’ve waited until the last minute to invite someone and now you’re stuck with me?”

“I would never say that.” You respond quickly. “I’m fully prepared for you to reject me like nobody’s business.”

She stares at you for like the billionth time. You kind of wish that she’d stop doing that. Her gaze is piercing, like she can see right into your soul or something equally disturbing.

“Why would I reject you, John?”

“Er… Well, you’re like this super cool troll lady and I’m like… me?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t know. A lot of stuff.”

“Hmmmm.” She hums quietly. “I agree. Something must be really wrong if you want to go with me. You must not have noticed, John, but you’re the only person who’s come to talk to me all night. The other trolls, as I’ve mentioned before, are currently treating me as something like an outcast.”

“That’s dumb.”

She laughs and it’s deep and throaty.

“I guess it is.” She smiles and you smile back. “I’ll gladly go to the Mlpuia Jive with you, John.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really?”

“Awesome. Well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.” You want to hug her again, but although the likelihood of her beating you has been reduced. It’s still a possibility. “I’ll set Karkat straight. I’ll tell him that you didn’t kill his friend, Gamzee.”

“That’s sweet, but really it’s none of your concern. I can take care of myself.”

“I know that.” You start walking backwards towards the stairs. “But it doesn’t mean you have to.”

She smiles again and you think that you could get used to that smile.

“Goodnight, John.”

“Night, Aradia.”

You turn and head down the stairs with that final image of a smiling Aradia, silhouetted against the moonlight, imprinted on your brain.

Alright, mission accomplished. All that’s left to do now is to get tutored by Rose and then you’ll be ready for the Mlpuia Jive. You head back to the room where Rose said she would meet you and push the door open. You freeze right there in your tracks, staring into the room with complete and utter horror.

Nepeta is sitting on top of Dave, who is sitting in his chair. They are making out like a couple of wild animals. Very slowly you slide backwards, out into the hall, and shut the door as quietly as possible.

**LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on JOHN: TRY TO UNDERSTAND, I hope you're all ready to Jive! I promise that their won't be any drama.   
> Wonk!   
> Wink*!
> 
> This story is now over 100,000 words long. What am I doing?
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	19. INT 1 - PART 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to arkaunn and Kombo for commenting.

=> Be John Egbert.

You are still John Egbert. Which means that you are still wildly unprepared for what is currently about to happen, wildly unprepared, extremely nervous, and incredibly uncomfortable.

Not only were you unable to find Rose last night, thus negating any plans of Jive lessons, but you were also so anxious that you barely slept a wink. You just threw yourself onto the cot Terezi had alchemized for you and listened to Dave sawing logs in the next bed all night. Needless to say, you’re sort of in a bad mood at the moment.

You yawn widely and reach up with a hand to cover your mouth.

“Stop moving.” Kanaya snaps, slapping your hand away from your face. “Please.” She adds after you shoot her a mild glare.

“Sorry,” You resist the urge to tug at your collar. “But how long is this going to take?”

“I’m almost finished.” She tugs your jacket down so that it is snug over your shoulders, and brushes off some imaginary dust.

You’d finally managed to find time to clean yourself earlier this morning. It felt good to wash away the layers of grime and blood and other unmentionables. Now if only you could find a razor. The prickly beginnings of stubble are beginning to form on your cheeks and neck.

“There.” Kanaya steps back and smiles approvingly. “Now put this on.”

She procures a dark blue tie, apparently from thin air, and tosses it into your chest.

“Ummm.” You finger the strip of fabric apprehensively. “Is this necessary?”

“I believe so.” The female troll, who is already dressed in a pretty green dress, turns from you to investigate yet more piles of miscellaneous clothes. “It completes the outfit.”

Ah yes. The outfit that Kanaya had alchemized for you. A blue jacket, which you believe is called a ‘ _blazer’_ , white shirt, black pants, and now this tie. You’ve been dressed in much worse, but you’re a little disappointed that your god tier outfit was deemed ‘ _inappropriate’_ for whatever reason. It was really comfortable, if a little dirty and weather beaten.

Kanaya straightens up, clutching a bundle of clothes and turns to find you still standing there with the tie clutched dumbly in your hand.

“Do you not like it?” She asks, a look of apprehension suddenly washing over her face.

“What? Oh no! It’s not that, it’s just…” You look down at the tie and back to her again. “I don’t know how to do it.”

“What?”

“I mean, I’ve never tied a tie before.”

You’re Dad tried to teach you once, but you hadn’t listened. One more regret on the pile.

“Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so?” She puts the bundle of fabric down in a nearby chair and steps up to you.

She pulls the tie out of your hand and drapes it around your neck, lifting up your collar and beginning to knot a perfect Double Windsor. You try not to notice how close she currently is to you or how nice she smells.

Dammit, what is it with this boat? Why is it bursting at the seams with attractive girls?!

Kanaya really is pretty though. You have to feel happy for Rose, having found such a good looking partner. Speaking of Rose:

“Hey, have you seen Rose around?” You swallow hard, feeling the uncomfortable dryness in your throat that only comes when you’re near a pretty girl for too long. “I was supposed to meet up with her last night, but I never found her.”

Kanaya tugs down on the tie, pulling it tight around your neck like a noose and causing you to gag slightly.

“Last night she was with me.” Kanaya fixes your collar. “We were perusing some Alternian literature and lost track of time. Sorry.”

She doesn’t _sound_ very sorry.

“It’s alright. It’s just that she was going to teach me some stuff about the dance.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do and this seems like a pretty big deal. I just don’t want to mess anything up by being… ignorant, I guess.”

Her eyes soften.

“I see.”

You nod, still uncomfortably aware of how close she is and how warm it is in this room. Kanaya crosses her arms and chews on her lip for a moment, apparently lost in thought.

“I suppose we have some free time right now.” She continues. “I could walk you through the ceremonies, if you’d like?”

“That would be amazing.” You grin and Kanaya smiles back.

“Alright then,” She steps away and you exhale gratefully. “Since it’s Karkat’s wriggling day, there will be a small dinner in his honor. He’ll give a speech, we’ll give him our gifts, and then the Jive…”

“Wait, we have to give Karkat a gift!” You slap a hand to your forehead. “Shit. I don’t have anything!”

“That’s fine. The gifts are only meant to be given by true friends anyways. You shouldn’t worry about that.”

Her words are like slap to the face.

“True friends?” You repeat. “Karkat doesn’t think that I’m a ‘ _true’_ friend?!”

Kanaya shrugs as if it isn’t a big deal.

“Don’t be offended, John. You haven’t known him that long.” She points out. “I’m sure he doesn’t expect anything from you, so don’t worry about it.”

You quietly resolve to find Karkat a gift before the party begins. Maybe you can talk Terezi or Equius into helping you alchemize something? It’s worth a shot.

“What did you get him?” You ask curiously.

Her eyes brighten considerably and she turns around to snatch something off of a table behind her. A colorful clump of fabric is shoved excitedly under your nose.

“Rose is teaching me how to knit.” Kanaya explains, admiring her gift fondly. “I’m still getting the hang of it, but I made him a scarf.”

It looks more like a misshapen beanie to you, but you aren’t about to burst her bubble by being critical. Her eye for color definitely worked it’s way into her gift, so at least the mess of yarn is easy on the eyes. You think it would make a good oven mitt or something of the like.

“Okay, so we eat, give gifts, Karkat talks, and then what.” You’re caught up in the unbridled joy of learning.

“Then we dance.” She says simply. “There are several customary routines that are performed, all including you and your partner.”

“Can we trade partners? Like if Aradia wants to dance with someone else, can she do that?”

“If you give consent, yes.” Kanaya explains.

You frown. ‘ _Giving Consent’_ makes it sound like you have some sort of say in the matter, like it’s up to you to decide if Aradia can have fun or not. You think that sounds a little barbaric.

“Is _‘giving consent’_ actually a thing?”

“As I’ve mentioned before, the Mlpuia Jive is an age old practice, some rituals are lost as time passes, but giving your partner away has always been traditional.” She says. “That being said, don’t be afraid to ask anyone for a dance. I doubt anyone will refuse to share their partner.”

“Okay,” You hope that no one acts like an asshole tonight. “So you mentioned routines, like different dances right?”

“Yes.” Suddenly Kanaya is very close to you again. “Here, put your hands like this.”

She grabs both of your arms, puts your left hand on her waist, and then grips your right in hers like a vice. You’re familiar with this position. It seems that different species that usually live light-years apart can’t really come up with any different dancing postures.

“Now just follow me, okay?” She leads you a little forcefully around the room in a loose spiral shape.

You try to simultaneously avoid stepping on her toes and keep your palms from sweating too much. You fail on both counts, but Kanaya keeps any displeasure to herself. Eventually, after clumsily running a few circuits, you come to a stop back in the center of the room.

“What was that one called?” You ask.

“The Triple Ex Spin.” She answers with a smile. “For your first time, it wasn’t that bad.”

“Really?”

“Of course.” Kanaya extricates herself from you and subtly wipes your sweat off of her hands with on a nearby rag. “Aradia should be proud to have you as a partner.”

You’re feeling a little better and you’re about to ask about other dances when you suddenly hear someone clapping. Both you and Kanaya turn towards the door.

“Bravo you two.” Rose smirks in the doorway, clapping delicately. “That was a truly an impressive display of footwork, although I hope you aren’t wearing out my partner too much, John. The Jive hasn’t even begun yet.”

 “Hey, Rose.” You beam at your friend. “Kanaya was just teaching me some sweet moves.”

“I can see that.” Rose steps fully into the room. “I truly apologize for missing our appointment last night. There aren’t a lot of things that would cause me to forget a rendezvous with you, but it seems that horribly cheesy alien romance novels are one of them.”

So much for the classy Alternian literature Kanaya claimed to have been _‘perusing’_.

“Don’t mention it.” You say. “I feel a little more prepared now thanks to Kanaya.”

“Yes, she’s quite the teacher, isn’t she?” Rose winks at her partner and Kanaya flushes jade.

“Um… where is your dress, Rose?” Kanaya coughs into her hand. “You aren’t dressed and although the Jive hasn’t begun yet, it’s certainly beginning soon.”

“I’ll change in a few minutes. I like your attire, by the way.” Rose causes Kanaya to blush violently once more as she looks her over.

Kanaya’s dress is elegant and probably deserves a thousand beautiful adjectives to describe it, but you feel like you summed it up pretty good earlier when you said it was “pretty” and “green”.

“Thank you, Rose.” Kanaya turns to you. “I’m sure that you’ll be fine tonight, John. Do not be nervous. Now, do you think you could send Equius in here on your way out? I need to make alterations to his suit.”

You hadn’t mentioned anything about wanting to leave, but it seems like your presence is no longer required. You’ll leave Rose and Kanaya to themselves for the time being, at least until you send Equius their way. It would have been nice to go through more of the dances with Kanaya, but then again, the XXX Spin wasn’t that hard, leading you to believe that the others won’t be so bad either.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tonight?” You start towards the door.

Rose is waving after you and then the door shuts firmly behind you. You trudge down the hall towards the room where you’d spent the last night, feeling sad about… something. You’ve been having trouble pinpointing your emotions ever since… well, ever since Vriska honestly.

You loved Vriska, right? And then she died and you’re supposed to be sad… right? But you haven’t cried. You haven’t even felt all that upset about it. Maybe you can chalk it up to you being insanely busy with one thing or another all the time? Or maybe you don’t feel her loss as heavily because you know that there’s a way to bring her back?

You have a lot of questions, which will probably go unanswered until the day you finally die for good.

You just want to talk to someone who’s good with people and emotions. You need to talk to someone you can trust, someone smart and… _cool as a fuck_.

The door to your temporary bedroom opens with a gentle push. It’s a long room, lined with cots and currently unoccupied, save for Equius and Dave.

“So the Mobius Double Reach Around isn’t a sex move?” Dave is asking.

“No, I’m afraid not.” Equius responds with a shake of his head. “It’s actually a…”

They both stop talking and look up when you come inside.

“Uh, hey guys.” You stuff your hands in your pockets. “Kanaya wants to see you, Equius.”

“Alright, if you’ll excuse me.” Equius rises from his cot and you step out of the way to let him out into the hallway.

“Sup, Egbert?” Dave nods at you, as you take a seat on the cot next to him.

He’s splayed out on his own bed, lounging with his hands tucked underneath his head. He’s wearing a suit that’s completely red from head to toe and his shades, of course. In short: Dave looks like the epitome of cool.

“What were you guys talking about?” You ask, nodding after Equius.

“Just guy stuff,” Dave shrugs. “As soon as he heard I was taking Nepeta to the dance he came down here to put me in my place.”

“Seriously?”

“You bet. He gave me this long speech about respect and responsibility and keeping my hands to myself. Blah blah blah. It was a whole bunch of waffle. I eventually managed to change the subject though with a sweet deflection.”

“Nice.”

“I know right?” Dave stares up at the ceiling. “It was pretty sweet. You should have seen Rose’s face when I told her that Nepeta asked me out, by the way. It was classic, although by this time she should know that no one can resist the Strider Charm.”

“Oh, of course.” You roll your eyes. “And when did you talk to Rose? I finally just bumped into her like five minutes ago. I looked all over for her last night!”

“I saw her this morning.” Dave answers. “So I guess she didn’t get the chance to teach you anything about the Jive, huh? She was been too busy macking on her hot alien girlfriend.”

“No, she didn’t teach me anything. I did get some lessons from Kanaya when she was dressing me up though.” You flap your tie at Dave and he nods appreciatively. “So, are Rose and Kanaya actually dating? Like are they Matesprits?”

They’d certainly been spending a lot of time together ever since you’d all gotten on this ship, but you really didn’t think that this dance would have any lasting effects on relationships. Or maybe it has nothing to do with the dance. Maybe Rose and Kanaya genuinely like each other for no other reason than ‘ _just because’_. You watch Dave as he ponders for a moment.

“I don’t know really. The parameters for troll love quadrants have always been a little shaky with me. Honestly, who gives a fuck about that alien romance anyways?” He rolls onto his side and sets his shaded gaze upon yours. “But I’m gonna say this: if you want to hook up with my ecto-sis, you better act fast before it’s too late.”

“I… I don’t…” You groan. “Dave, I’m still Matesprits with Vriska.”

“I see. So just let me get this straight.” He pushes himself up so that he’s sitting directly across from you. “You won’t go out with Rose, who I know for a fact that you have a huge boner for, because you’re still dating Dead Vriska?”

“She’s not really dead though.” You wave your hand vaguely towards the sky. “It’s complicated.”

“No it isn’t. If you like a girl, go and get her. Bing Bang Boom. End of discussion. Everyone is happy.”

You’re about to tell Dave to follow his own damn advice and go talk to Jade, but you remember your resolution to avoid picking fights. You’d rather not intentionally call out your best friend when he’s only trying to help.

“It’s not like that though.” You frown, trying to think of how to phrase this. “I don’t think girls are things that can be _‘got’_ or whatever. Hell, I don’t know what girls are. I just know that it isn’t that easy.”

“Sure, whatever.” Dave flops back down on his bed, wrinkling his suit and not caring. “So tell me what you mean when you say that Vriska isn’t _‘really dead’_.”

You’re about to brush off the topic again, saying something about _‘complications’_ or _‘intuition’_ or something equally vague. But then you remember who you’re talking to. You remember that you trust Dave and that he might actually be able to help.  You decide to tell him everything.

And you do. You tell him about Rose killing you before going to blow up the Green Sun. You tell him about waking up your bedroom and meeting Vriska. You tell him about dream bubbles and magic rings, and he just lies there, listening patiently and scowling.

“I wouldn’t tell anyone else about the ring.” He says simply when you’re finished.

“I haven’t told anyone but you and Rose.” You admit. “It’s kind of personal stuff, I think.”

“Yeah and also think about all of the trolls that died recently. Don’t you reckon that some of these guys here might want to bring their friends back to life too? That ring is a hot commodity, man. I wouldn’t put it past some of these trolls to try and take it from you.”

“You don’t think they already know about the ring? I mean, Vriska knew about it. Maybe everyone else does too?”

“I don’t know. Everyone seems pretty convinced that their friends are dead for good. I don’t know how Vriska found out, just make sure that no one else does, okay?”

“Alright.” You understand where Dave is coming from, although you doubt that any of the trolls on this ship would double cross you. Well… maybe Terezi. “Should I tell Jade?”

“Good question.”

Well that wasn’t the answer that you were looking for. Oh well, you’ll have to think about it. Of course you trust Jade. It’s just that you know she can be a little bit of a chatty box. She’d never let crucial information slip normally, but honestly who knows what could happen when she’s pressured?

Maybe you should give your ecto-sister more credit? Or maybe you’ve been burned enough by people you trusted that you should know better?

Regardless of additional raised questions, you feel better having talked to your best friend. Your little chat defiantly killed some time before the dance at least. You spend the rest of the afternoon scrounging up something to give Karkat as a gift for his Wriggling Day.

“Seriously, dude. You’re actually getting that fucker a present?” Dave says when you tell him what you’re doing. “The only thing Vantas needs is a good boot up the ass and a chill pill down the throat.”

“I think you’re missing the point of the Mullpialooza Jive, Dave.” You say, rummaging through a set of drawers near the door. “It’s supposed to promote companionship and stuff. Also it’s Karkat’s birthday.”

“It just seems more like an asshole rumpus to me.”

You eventually become satisfied with your choice of a gift and just in time too. The sun begins to set and before you know it, the time has come for you to either make a complete idiot of yourself or have a pretty good time. Needless to say, you hope it’s the latter.

You reach up and adjust your tie for about the billionth time. It feels really tight and you think you might pass out from lack of oxygen. As a matter of fact, everything seems to be squeezing you too tight. Even the walls seem to be closing in like you’re inside of some giant golden trash compacter.

A loud snapping sound draws you back down to earth.

“Jegus, Egbert you look like you’re about to faint.” Dave says, snapping a couple more times in front of your face for good measure.

“I guess I’m just a little nervous.” Both you and Dave have moved from the room and are now stood by the stairs, twelve steps up towards the deck of the ship and your first real party in your life that you actually ever wanted to go to.

“Well don’t be. You’re going to be just fine, alright? I’m gonna make sure of it. You and I are going to be like two wieners in the same hotdog bun for the whole night, you got that?”

“Uh… sure.” You’d like to have your best bud chilling with you, but you also want him to have fun too. You don’t want to be a burden.

You’re about to tell him as such when he suddenly claps you on the shoulders.

“Good.” Dave says with a smirk. “Let’s rock n roll then.”

You both ascend the steps and walk out into the early evening night sky. It’s a little chilly outside, leading you to believe that you’re steadily heading out of LOHAC airspace and directly into LOFAF. That’s still a good distance away from LOLAR and Jack Noir’s second, stupid castle, about three more days by your estimate. You don’t know though, you’re the wind guy not the distance guy.

“There’s Nepeta.” Dave nods towards the front of the ship. “See you later, Bro.”

“Wait, Dave- what the fuck!”

Your security blanket is striding across the ship like he owns the damn place and sideling up next to Nepeta like he owns her too, which knowing him, he probably already does. The crazy fucking cat girl actually looks sort of cute tonight. She’s traded in her green trench coat and blue cat hat for a dark green dress. That tail is still attatached to her somehow though, being dragged across the ground like dead snake.

You wonder how Kanaya let that particular accessory slip past her dress code inspection. If Nepeta gets her damn tail, why can’t you wear your awesome god tier hood? Life is so unfair some times.

A tap on the shoulder draws your attention and you turn to find yourself face to face with Aradia ‘Sexy As All Fuck’ Megido. You haven’t even started dancing yet and your hands are already sweating like broken sprinklers.

“Hey.” You say and smile politely.

“Hello.” She smiles back and HOLY FUCK WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY NEXT????

“You look nice.” You gesture up and down her figure. “Like really, _really_ nice.”

You mean it too. She’s wearing dark red and her normally bushy hair has been perched atop her head in some sort of fancy do.

“Thank you, John.” She reaches out and taps a finger against your chest. “You clean up pretty good yourself. I’m liking the tie.”

“Oh, thanks.” You chuckle. “Kanaya did it for me. Good thing too, I probably would have accidentally hung myself from the rafters if I’d tried to do it myself.”

She laughs lightly and you realize that you probably shouldn’t open up a date by making jokes about death or dying. Especially when a large number of your date’s friends have met an untimely demise very recently.

“I suppose I owe Kanaya one then. I would have been pretty disappointed if my partner was killed before the dance, just because he couldn’t correctly wrap a strip of fabric around his neck.”

You then realize that this is no normal date and that this is no normal girl. All of the sudden, you aren’t so nervous.

“Haha. Seriously though.” You laugh and flip the tie around your hand. “What’s the point of this thing? It’s literally just _‘a piece of fabric’_ around my neck.”

“Ugh, don’t get me started on pointless fashion articles. Have you seen these heels?” She puts a hand on your shoulder to steady herself and lifts her leg to show you her shoe. “I’m walking on stilts here.”

You notice for the first time how tall Aradia is tonight. Where she usually comes up to you nose, she’s now nearly eye level with you.

“Did Kanaya make them for you?”

“Yeah, she’s been working overtime. I think she made everyone’s outfit.”

“Hmmm.” You’ll have to thank Kanaya later for all of her hard work. Even if you aren’t capable of appreciating the craftsmanship it still seems like a lot of labor. “Well, maybe you can take them off later?”

“Yeah, maybe.” Aradia quickly scans the deck. “Or maybe I can take them off now? Keep an eye out for fussy fangs, will you?”

“Sure.” You watch Aradia dash to the nearest railing and deposit her shoes over the edge. Maybe some consort below will have use for them?

You take this time to look across the surface of the ship. Equius is standing at the wheel with Terezi on his arm. Dave is sitting with Nepeta at a long table erected on the very center of the deck. Jade is nowhere to be found, neither is Karkat.

A solid chunk of air catches in your throat when you catch sight of Rose. She’s leaning against the far railing, chatting animatedly with Kanaya, and looking… well, there’s no other word for it: Beautiful. Her face has been wiped of it’s usual dark make up and now she just looks pleasantly plain.

Also gone is the black and purple dress, replaced with a bright orange affair. Well, that’s a color you never thought you’d see her in. It looks nice against her pale skin and you decide it’s possible that you are starting to appreciate Kanaya’s fashion prowess. A pale blue head band adorns her soft, short blonde hair, completing the look.

“Wow, she looks really pretty.” Aradia says to your left, having rejoined you.

“I know.” You croak dryly.

“Did you know that she was going with Karkat?”

“What?” You turn to Aradia, confused, and see that she isn’t looking in Rose’s direction at all. Instead she’s gazing towards the stairs.

You do a double, then triple take when you see who’s delicately clutching Karkat’s bicep. It’s Jade, your ecto-sister and Dave’s currently unrequited crush.

“So much for no drama.” You mutter darkly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT BEGINS! sort of. 
> 
> Next chapter we'll catch up with other characters and probably get down to some more dancing. I write from John's POV a lot and I hope that doesn't bother any of you. His name is in the title of this fic after all. I love writing scenes with John and Kanaya, even thought they've only talked twice in canon. They're just a couple of my favorite characters.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	20. INT 1 - PART 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to OBVOS and NerdyDanzer for commenting.

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are Karkat Vantas. And today is probably the worst day of your entire life.

There are people _everywhere_ , chattering, laughing, and just being straight up annoying. You fix your gaze directly in front of you and stare through Egbert’s stupid head, looking towards something in the distance, towards a happier place and time. Anywhere but here.

“I hope you bitches are hungry!” Terezi giggles from your left.

A large pot, although it seems more like a wizard’s cauldron, slams down onto the middle of the table. You hear the already stressed joints of the furniture groan in displeasure.

“What is it?” Jade asks on your right, leaning forward slightly to gaze over the lip of the pot.

“Grub Sauce,” Terezi explains, taking her seat again. “It’s for the Beefgrub.”

Curiosity gets the better of you and you snap back to reality for a moment to investigate the contents of the pot. Sure enough, it’s filled to the brim with delicious, viscous Grub Sauce. It’s still steaming slightly and you take a second to waft in that tantalizing, smoky flavor. Maybe this night won’t be so bad after all?

“Holy shit.” Sneers a voice from Jade’s other side. “Do you guys have any food that doesn’t sound… I don’t know, disgusting?”

Nope. This night is still going to suck bulge.

“Disregard him.” Rose shoots her ecto-brother a look from across the table. “He has yet to grasp the significance of this occasion.”

You have to disagree with the Rose Human. Dave Strider probably understands exactly how important the Mlpuia Jive is to all of you and plans to sully everything with those ironic quips of his. That’s just the thing an asshole like him would try to do. You resolve to put as much distance between yourself and his pasty, stoic, douchey face as soon as possible.

For the time being though, you zone out again and imagine a universe where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

Dishes of Beefgrub are passed around and all of the trolls waste no time in scrambling over one another to ladle a generous helping of Grub Sauce onto their plate.  The humans, predictably, hang back and watch for a while before making their move.

Rose samples the sauce before pushing it away subtly, John digs in hungrily, Dave doesn’t even touch his plate and Jade…

“Shit.” She mutters quietly. “How the hell are you supposed to eat this?”

The human girl is hacking at her Beefgrub with her knife like it’s a block of wood or something, sawing through the meat viciously. You take pity on her not only because she’s kind of your date, but because you hate to watch someone destroy a perfectly good dinner.

“You aren’t supposed to slice it up like that.” You snap and reach for her knife, but someone else beats you to it.

“Here, let me show you.” Strider’s hands are a fraction of a second quicker than yours. “I think it’s just supposed to break apart.”

As Strider cuts up her meat for her, Jade looks at you, quirks an eyebrow, and shrugs. You grimace in response.  If Strider wants to play that game, let him. You’re above such wriggler shenanigans. In all actuality, you might actually owe Strider one for getting Nepeta out of your hair. Maybe they’ll hook up for real and go from a couple of your least favorite people to your least favorite couple?

That seems unlikely though, judging by the way he’s pointedly ignoring her right now. As soon as you’d shown up with Jade he’s been giving the cat girl the cold shoulder. That’s strange behavior for sure, but then again, what’s that human saying? The grass is always greener or something.

After Strider deems Jade’s food is suitable for eating, having cut it down to bite-sized chunks, he leans away slightly and you catch a hushed exchange of words.

“What’s your problem?” Jade hisses.

“Problem? I be having no problems, sugar.” Dave replies, mock incredulous but equally muted.

“Whatever, Fuckass. Just back off, okay?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” There’s a short pause, filled with the clatter of silverware and the white hum of conversation. “So Karkles asked you out, huh? That’s real cute.”

“What?”

“So what happened? Did he stand in a quadrant like he was playing foursquare, holding a bucket, and you were like _‘sure, why not’_?”

“Shut up, Dave.”

“I’m just curious.” Another pregnant pause. “I just want to make sure that you understand what’s going on here.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious, right?”

“ _Obviously_ it isn’t obvious to me.”

“Karkat only asked you out to make me jealous.”

You stab through your Beefgrub and into the plate cracking it in two.

That stupid son of a bitch. That ignorant, stupid, pretentious, son of a bitch.

You hold your breath, waiting for someone to acknowledge the idiocy behind Dave’s statement or that you’d just wasted yet more resources by destroying one of your plates. However, John laughs loudly at some joke you didn’t hear, Rose asks for another cup of Faygo, and then you feel it’s safe to assume that your vandalism has remained undetected.

Dave’s idiocy, on the other hand, is plain to see.

“This might be hard for you to understand, Dave,” Jade growls. “But the whole universe doesn’t revolve around _you_.”

“That’s not what I’m…”

“And contrary to popular belief,” She cuts him off. “It’s possible that there actually are people out there who like me for _me_.”

“I think I need to start over.” He sounds a little anxious now and normally you’d relish the break in his cool-dude facade, but right now though, you’re more interested in Jade as she turns his back on him to face you.

“Do you want to dance?” She asks and you can see a slight glistening in the corner of her eyes that only increases the amount of hatred you harbor for one Dave Strider.

“Uh, sure.” You drop your knife and stand up.

Jade follows and you haven’t even gotten fully out of your chair before you’re stopped.

“And just where are you going?” Kanaya commands your attention.

You look from your troll friend, to Jade, and down to Jade’s hand, which is now wrapped around your arm again. When did that happen?

“Dance.” You say dumbly.

“You can’t leave yet, you have to give a speech.”

Oh yeah. It’s your wriggling day. Shit, you haven’t thought of a speech at all.

“And we have to give you our presents.” John interjects, much to your surprise.

Since when did he know about troll rituals such as the exchanging of wriggling day gifts? That windy dork must have done some research. You don’t know whether to feel grateful or disgusted, so you just default to angry.

“Alright, you fuckers want a speech?” You bark and nearly everyone nods. Jade reluctantly reclaims her seat next to Dave and you continue. “Well then, alright. Fasten your seatbelts, because here it comes.” You reach down and grab your cup of Faygo, still full, and raise it over your head. “Both of our home worlds have been destroyed and it’s up to us to rebuild them by killing Jack Noir and beating this game. So let’s do it. Amen!”

You drink from your cup and the Faygo bubbles down your throat.  After a few gulps you finish your glass and slam it back down on the table. Everyone is staring at you. John is looking at you like you’re some sort of prophet, Aradia looks bored, Strider is staring at his Beefgrub, and everyone else just looks downright nonplussed. Mission accomplished.

“Presents.” You command, holding out your hand.

Only Kanaya, John, Terezi, and Nepeta pull out various packages. You’re surprised. You’d expected a much worse haul than this, taking into consideration the fact that most of your true friends are dead and the ones still alive you’ve managed to push away with your horrible leadership skills.

You snatch Kanaya’s first. It’s beautifully wrapped in colorful paper, which you tear to shreds in about three seconds. Inside is a…

“What the fuck is this?” You unfurl the blob of yarn.

“It’s a scarf.” Kanaya sings merrily, her eyes alight. “I made it myself. Humans use it to keep themselves warm.”

“Thanks.” You drop the scarf on the table. You suppose you can always use it as an oven mitt. “Next!”

You fumble Nepeta’s gift when she throws it at you, eager to have her present opened next. It’s a box decorated with tiny green cats. With a sigh, you pull open the top and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!

You turn to box upside down and a dead bird flops onto the table.

“I caught that myself!” Nepeta chirps proudly, licking her lips. “You should have seen me Karkitty. The Mighty Huntress stalked her prey to the bow of the ship and…”

“Yeah. Fantastic.” You interrupt her and quickly brush the bird onto the floor. “Next!”

Terezi passes you an envelope. It’s a little heavy and there’s a metallic _clink_ whenever you shift it. This better not be money. It would be just like Terezi to give you something that used to be important, but is now currently useless, just to spite you.

You rip open the envelope and see that it’s a silver necklace.

“That used to be mine.” Terezi laughs softly, with a wide grin. “It’s just a little something to remember me by.”

It’s heavy and a Libra charm hangs from the gleaming chain. You shove it in your pocket.

“Shiny.” You mutter and avoid your former Matesprits gaze. “Thanks, Terezi.”

“Don’t mention it.”

You barely register John waving something in your face.

“Here’s my gift, Karkat.” He smiles excitedly.

You wordlessly pull a piece of paper out of his grasp. It’s a card.

The outside reads: “Happy Wriggling Day Karkat!” in big block letters. You flip it open to find a messily drawn picture of… well you guess that it’s supposed to be _you_. Jegus, Egbert is worse at drawing than Terezi.

There’s the drawing of you, something that vaguely resembles the golden airship you’re currently riding, more words reading: “Karkat is Number One”, and a final picture that is somewhat phallic.

“What the fuck is this supposed to be?” You thrust the card back at John and indicate the odd drawing.

“Oh, that’s a balloon.” He says with a grin. “So, do you like my card?”

“It’s wonderful. A true heirloom in the making.” You stow the card next to the pendant in your pocket. “Now are we done?”

Everyone remains silent and you take that as a _‘yes’_.

“Good.” You turn to Jade. “Let’s dance.”

* * *

=> Be Kanaya Maryam

You are now Kanaya Maryam. And today is probably the best day of your entire life.

All of those hours spent below deck, sweating over the Alchemiter have finally paid off. Everyone is looking snazzy in their custom made outfits, with a few exceptions of course. How the hell did Nepeta find that stupid tail of hers? You’d done your best to hide it earlier when she wasn’t looking, but apparently your best isn’t enough.

Aradia also managed to ditch her shoes somehow between coming upstairs and sitting down for dinner, something that not only seems wasteful and a little insulting, but completely unsanitary. She’s walking around barefoot when the dead bird Nepeta brought is literally rolling around somewhere on the deck.

Under normal circumstances, these little wardrobe malfunctions might have been enough to spoil your good mood. Not tonight though. Tonight all of your dreams and more are coming true at once. You have a beautiful date, you’re dress is fabulous, and you’ve just eaten more than enough delicious Beefgrub to tide you over until next sweep. Life is pretty good right now.

All that’s left to do is wait for it to fall apart.

You watch Karkat lead Jade towards the far end of the deck, whilst Equius retrieves the music box from below deck. He starts it up and the twangy chords of Neven F’s _“Do the Nevolution”_ begin to take you back in time.

You’re a little troll girl, sitting outside your hive with your lusus and listening to the troll radio as you watch the Alternian clouds drift lazily overhead. As a rainbow drinker, you’re the only troll on board that can say they’ve enjoyed many a day’s lounging under the warm sun.

“Hey.” A tap on your shoulder draws you back to the present. “Would you like to dance?”

It’s Rose and now that you think about it, there’s nothing else you would rather do at the moment.

You nod and both you and Rose get to your feet. The table is now vacant, save for Nepeta and Dave.

“Come on, cool kid.” Nepeta is tugging at the sleeve of his red suit. “Let’s go Jive!”

“No, just leave me alone.” He responds with his voice deadpan and his mouth drawn in a thin frown. He’s busy staring at his plate full of Beefgrub.

You don’t catch the rest of their conversation, because Rose has just taken you by the hand and is leading you towards an open spot on the deck. You follow obediently, trying to control your breathing. Rose really does look ravishing in the dress that you made. It accentuates her curves and draws more color from her usually pale skin. You, of course, knew this would be the effect when you first made it.

“Whoops!” Rose stumbles slightly over her own feet and you tighten your grip on her hand to steady her.

“Are you alright?” You ask, concerned.

“Oh, yes.” She smiles at you. “I’m just not used to walking in high heels.”

“I see. You know, dancing would probably be easier if you didn’t have that with you.” You indicate the cup of Faygo in her hand and giggle softly.

“Right, sorry.” She takes a step towards the table again and stumbles once more. “Uh… Kanaya?”

“Yes.”

“This Faygo doesn’t contain alcohol. Does it?”

“It does. Terezi always makes spiked Faygo, since the virgin equivalent is rather tasteless for us.” You explain.

“Alright.” Rose is starting to look a little green.

“How much have you had to drink?”

“Well… you know.” She wobbles slightly on the spot. “Enough.”

“Do you want to sit down for a bit? Maybe drink so water?”

“No, no, no.” She waves you off. “You want to dance, so we’re going to dance. Let me just…”

Rose looks around for a place to stow her cup, since the table is obviously too far for her to drunkenly navigate towards, and eventually settles for putting it on the ground.

“… put that there for now.” She finishes and then turns to you with a grin. “So where were we?”

“I believe we were about to dance.” You want to suggest that she sit down for a bit again, but you doubt that she’ll agree. You’d rather avoid an argument with the inebriated therapist anyway.

“You believe right.” She snakes her arms around your waist and you lightly rest yours around her slim neck.

Gently the pair of you rock from side to side. This isn’t the correct dance (hell, you doubt that this even _is_ a dance) for the current song, but you’re not going to push your luck by performing anything more complicated with your partner in her present state.

“You look really pretty tonight, Rose.” You say quietly, as if you might ruin the moment by talking too loud.

“Hmmm.” She hums in response and you notice that she isn’t even looking at you.

Her gaze is pointed somewhere over your shoulder and when you investigate the source of her interest, you find that she’s been watching John dance rather poorly with a patient Aradia. You frown, despite yourself.

“You can go dance with him if you want to.” You whisper, quieter still. “I won’t mind.”

“What?” Rose shakes her head like she’s waking up. She looks at you and your frown. “Oh, I see. Kanaya, it isn’t like that at all.”

“Well then what is it like? If you didn’t want to go with me then you should have…”

Her finger gets pressed against your lip. You swallow hard.

“I’m going to stop you right there.” She’s glaring at you seriously, although the effect is a little ruined as her words begin to slur. “I came here tonight with _you_. I am here with _you_ now. And I will be with _you_ later. You misinterpret my interest in John as some lopsided pining, when in actuality I’m…”

She trails off and you wait patiently for her to continue. When she doesn’t, you’re forced to move her finger away from your mouth so that you can speak instead.

“Rose?”

“Hmmm.” She snaps her attention back to you, her gaze having begun to drift back towards John and his date.

“You were just saying something.”

“I know. Forgive me for being hesitant. I’m just getting my thoughts in order.”

“I understand. It’s okay.” You’ve seen the way that she talks to John and Dave and Karkat and everyone else. She doesn’t hesitate like this. You doubt she ever has to pause to _‘get her thoughts in order’_ with them.

You’re starting to feel a little upset. In a surprising display of courage, you lean forward and rest your head on Rose’s shoulder next to her cheek. She doesn’t respond to the increase of surface area now being shared between you, other than a slight catch in her breath.

You close your eyes and wait for her to be honest with you. If honesty is even possible with Rose Lalonde.

“Kanaya.” She eventually says after a while. “Can I tell you something… in confidence?”

It almost seems too good to be true.

“Of course.” You say to her neck. “You can tell me anything.”

Rose’s breathing quickens along with her pulse. You can feel it against your cheek.

“Sometimes I hear… voices.”

Welp. You certainly didn’t see that coming.

You lean back, putting distance between your bodies again, in order to examine her face fully. You’re half expecting her to be wearing that signature smirk of hers. The one that can typically be accompanied by a phrase such as _‘got ya!’_. However, there is no smirk. There isn’t even the mask of calm stoicism.

Rose Lalonde looks afraid.

“So… er…” You need to say something right now. “Tell me about these voices.”

And she tells you. Right there on the dance floor, amongst your friends and acquaintances, who are all dancing merrily around you. She talks about her experiences while being held by the Horrorterrors, her nightmares about John’s death, her escape, and the quest for revenge.

All in all, its terrible date conversation, but you’re willing to give her a pass on this one. It certainly seems like she needs to get this stuff off of her chest, which begs another question:

“Why haven’t you told anyone about this? Why haven’t you told John?” You speak in hushed tones as Equius and Terezi spin past. “If the voices only go away when you’re with him, doesn’t it seem smart to include him in this discussion?”

She thinks for a moment and you begin to wonder if she’s zoning out again, until she snaps back into attention.

“I’ve considered telling him of course, but this isn’t exactly an easy topic to bring up. I’m sure you understand.” Rose sighs heavily. “If I’m being completely honest, the problem doesn’t lie in my doubt of John’s understanding. It’s more that…”

“You think he’ll reject you.” You finish for her.

“Yes, of course.” She smiles at you. “You’re so smart, Kanaya.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.” Your voice is dull, but she doesn’t seem to notice.

Is this really all you are? The second choice? Was your first real chance at a relationship just another unattainable leisure?

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

You make a mental note to keep alcohol away from Rose in the future.

“Come on. Let’s get you to your room.” You hold her by the forearm and gently guide her towards the stairs. “Watch your step on the stairs, okay?”

“Okay.” The pair of you reach the top of the steps. “Kanaya?”

“Yes.”

“You look really pretty.”

“Thank yo-“

You interrupted by her lips being pressed against yours. For a moment, all is bliss and you’re ready to forget and forgive everything she said about drinking, and hearing voices, and John. You’ve just begun to wrap your arms around her waist, to draw her closer, when she begins to tip.

“Rose!”

You tighten your grip, but it’s too late. Your date slips from your grasp and slides down the stairs like a bobsled down an icy hill. Eventually she comes to a rest at the base of the steps with a solid _thunk_ and a tiny _‘ow’_.

“Dammit! I warned you about those stairs.” You hike up your skirt and start after her. “I told you, Rose!”

* * *

=> Be Aradia Megido.

You are now Aradia Megido. And today is not the worst day of your entire life, nor is it the best day. It’s not a _‘ten out of ten, would do again’_ , but it isn’t a _‘one out of ten, what could have been’_ either. So far tonight has just been… alright.

And that’s perfect for you.

You bite back a howl of pure agony as John steps on your toes again.

“Shit. I’m sorry.” He responds yet again. “That was an accident.”

“I know. Don’t worry.” You blink back salty tears.

“I swear that I practiced this once.” He continues. “Kanaya told me it was the XXX Triple Spin.”

“You mean the Triple Ex Spin?”

“Yeah, that’s it.” He grins at you goofily and you’re inclined to smile back.

You dance in silence for a while and you pretend not to notice how he awkwardly looks down every few seconds so as to make sure that your toes remain uncrushed. The song ends and you transition to a much slower and thankfully simpler dance.

“Hey, so you know how Nepeta gave Karkat a dead bird?” He asks randomly.

“Yes.” It was a rather weird gift in your opinion, but then again, Nepeta is a rather weird girl.

“Well, I didn’t know that there were birds in the medium. I thought there were just consorts and stuff, but not birds.” He seems perplexed. “I saw them flying around LOWAS earlier too.”

Now that you think about it, you’ve actually never seen a bird before in the medium until now.

“Hmmm, that’s interesting.” You say. “What do you suppose that means?”

“I don’t know.” He thinks again for a moment, before laughing abruptly. “I just realized that this is terrible _‘date talk’_.”

“So this is a date?”

John’s eyes widen in panic and he splutters uselessly.

“Wh- well- I mean… no, of course not. I’m just…”

You let out a peal of laughter, catching him off guard.

“Jegus, John. I’m just teasing you.”

“Oh.” He breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay. Haha.”

 

A shout from across the deck suddenly draws your attention. Both you and John turn to watch Kanaya disappear quickly down the stairs.

“Uh, do you think everything is okay?” John asks, looking nervously towards where Kanaya just vanished.

“I’m sure everything’s fine. Rose probably just fell down the stairs.”

He blinks at you in surprise.

“Seriously?” He glances at the stairs again. “Maybe I should go check and make sure she isn’t dead.”

“Alright, be careful though. You’ve had a lot to drink yourself and I think one drunken tumble is enough for one night.”

“What? How can Rose be drunk? All we’ve had is Faygo.”

“Yeah, I know.” You say. “But this Faygo contains alcohol, John.”

“Really?” John frowns. “I’ve had like… twelve cups though.”

Now it’s your turn to be surprised.

“John, that’s a shit ton of Faygo. I mean, Jegus. You could die.”

“I’m pretty sure that I would just come back though.” He shrugs. “Alcohol doesn’t really affect me that much anyways.” He looks towards the stairs again. “I’m sorry, Aradia. I’ll be right back.”

You simply nod and let John’s hand slip from yours as he makes his way towards the stairs. His lack of self preservation disturbs you a little, although you feel that if John really was at risk of alcohol poisoning, it would be more obvious. Right now he’s steady on his own two feet, walking directly towards the stairs.

Should you feel bothered that your date ditched you?  Maybe. But then again, you doubt that your friendship with John will ever develop into anything more. He’s nice and everything, but you’ve never been the _‘dating’_ type.

Not to mention the impending assault on Jack Noir’s castle and difference of species getting in the way. Also, his Matesprit, Vriska, died recently. So he probably isn’t looking to play the field again anytime soon.

You meander around Jade and Karkat, the only pair left dancing, and head towards the table where Terezi, Nepeta, and Dave are now sat.

You think that your time spent with John has been good for you. He’s the first person to take any sort of positive interest in you since…

You decide not to think about _him_ at the moment. The memory is still fresh, no matter how hard you try to squash down the depressing thoughts. Plus, you’ve wasted enough time in a funk recently without spoiling the first and probably last Mlpuia Jive you’ll ever attend.

“Come on, Dave.” Nepeta is whining when you reach the table. She’s standing next to her date, hopping from foot to foot like she has to pee.

“Just go dance with someone else.” He groans, resting his head on the table. “I’m just… really tired, okay?”

You take a seat as far away from their squabble as possible and scoop up an empty glass. The pitcher of Faygo is almost empty so you just drain the rest of it into your cup. It’s rather bitter tasting in your opinion, and despite John’s ridiculous level of tolerance, chock full of buzzing liquor.

“Hey, Megido. Are you having a good time, yet?” Asks a voice from your left.

“So far it’s been pretty enjoyable.” You respond to Terezi. “Although the weather could be a little nicer.”

“You’re telling me.” Terezi rubs at her exposed arms. “What happened to Egbert? Did he ditch you already?”

“He just needed to check on something.” You respond evenly, whilst trying not to sound too defensive. “Where’s Equius?”

“He cheezed it right after John.” She shrugs. “Apparently he had to check up on something too.”

The table shakes a little as Nepeta throws herself in the seat next to Terezi.

“The Mighty Huntress paws over to her hunting complain and rubs her whiskers against her in an affectionate manner.” Nepeta proceeds to press her cheek into Terezi’s shoulder.

“What is it, oh powerful Huntress?” Terezi asks, while you roll your eyes.

“Come dance with me. Dave is being a real thorn in my paw.” Nepeta sets her enormous, green eyes upon Terezi in her most pleading expression possible.

“I’d love to, Nepeta, but I’m nursing this at the moment.” Terezi waves a rather large cup of Faygo around, sloshing a good amount onto her dress and the table. “Maybe in a few minutes.”

Nepeta’s head snaps around to you.

“Aradia?”

You don’t like Nepeta enough to say _‘yes’_ , but you don’t dislike her enough to say _‘no’_. Once again you’re blissfully caught in the wonderful zone of indifference. However, the choice is made for you.

“I’m sorry, Nepeta. I forgot to ask John if I could dance with anyone else.” You rest your elbows on the table, settling in for a short rest. “I’ll ask when he gets back, okay?”

Apparently your words aren’t enough to sate Nepeta’s dancing fever.

“Fuck!” She flops back in her chair. “This is the worst dance ever! Of all time!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art seen above was drawn by my pal Jeedies. You can find her other awesome work here: [Shazam!](http://jeedies.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next time: The finale! Then we'll get back into the main story. Most of my Alternian culture is made up, although I do my best to make it as close to the canon stuff as possible. Hussie's universe is pretty damn extensive, but the good thing about Fanworks is that the writer can kind of do whatever they want. Within reason of course.
> 
> Thanks for reading. I appreciate advice and such.  
> \- Mike


	21. INT 1 - PART 6

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’re currently absconding the fuck away from you pleasant date to investigate as to whether or not your good friend, Rose Lalonde, has just succumbed to yet another drunken misadventure.

You should have asked if there was going to be alcohol at the party. Any good friendleader would have done so in order to insure the safety of his friends. You mentally curse yourself for your lack of foresight. If you’d just been a little bit smarter, then Rose wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

You jog down the steps and into the belly of the ship. It doesn’t take long for you to locate Rose, since all you have to do is follow the violent sounds that only accompany a harsh vomiting session. She’s down the hall and to the left, in the girl’s bedroom.

Similar to the room you’re currently calling home, it’s lined with canvas cots. Although you have to admit that the girl’s room is a few parsecs cleaner and better scented. You wonder why the trolls felt the need to divide the ship into girls and boys. If they don’t differentiate between genders, what would it matter to them if you all slept in the same room?

Maybe Rose and Jade requested to have separate living quarters away from the guys? Or maybe Karkat wanted to try and keep you and Dave from hooking up with any troll girls? If that’s really his goal, then he’s done a shit job of it so far. He should have known that a few walls and a verbal warning wouldn’t have been enough to prevent interspecies relationships.

Anyways, you step into the girl’s room to find Rose kneeling on the floor, leant over a plastic box and heaving the contents of her stomach into its depths like a runaway fire hose. Kanaya is standing awkwardly off to the side, a little unsure about what to do by the looks of it.

“Hey, uh.” You wave towards her. “Is everything alright?

Kanaya’s head snaps to you in surprise. She didn’t notice you come in apparently. For a fraction of a second, her pretty face twists with annoyance before finally settling on a thin, tight-lipped frown.

“Yes, Rose just felt a little ill.” She says calmly. “A little too much of the Faygo I’m afraid.”

“Oh yeah. Did you know it had alcohol in it?” You ask. “Aradia just told me it did.”

Kanaya opens her mouth to respond, but Rose suddenly pulls her head out of the box.

“Who is that?” She rasps over her shoulder. “Is that you, John?”

“Um, yes?” You take a step forward. “How are you feeling, Rose?”

“Come here.” She doesn’t answer your question, but throws her hand back, palm up, waiting for you to take it.

You look at Kanaya and shrug, while she continues to frown, then cross the rest of the distance to Rose’s side. Kneeling down next to your friend you take her hand gently in yours. Her skin is hot and you wonder if she’s either just throwing up because she can’t hold her alcohol or if she’s really sick.

“Do you, um… need anything?” You ask the parts of Rose that aren’t buried in the box.

“Water would be nice.”

“I’ll get it.” Kanaya says, quickly turning on her heel and striding towards the door determinedly.

You hope that she returns soon. The last time you were alone with a drunken Lalonde was incredibly awkward and confusing. You watch Rose wretch again, before reaching up with her free hand to tuck her blonde strands behind her ear. It’s futile though, the locks tumble down again around her face.

“Here.” You slide your hand out of hers to collect as many of the blonde hairs as you can, before pinning them against the nape of her neck, out of harm’s way.

“Thanks.” She says, spitting into the box.

“Don’t mention it.”

Rose breathes heavily, shivering like she’s cold.

“Promise me something, John.”

“Okay.”

“If you ever see me with any sort of alcohol ever again,” She says. “Just punch me right in my stupid face.”

You bark with laughter.

“Haha. Rose, your face isn’t stupid.”

You expect her to chuckle or smile a little, but instead she turns to you with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Despite her greenish complexion and sour breath, she still looks pretty cute.

“Do you really mean that? She asks completely seriously.

“Of course.” You grin at her. “Your face is one of the smartest ones around.”

“John… that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.”

You snort with laughter and tear your eyes away from hers. Holy shit, who knew that getting drunk would have this effect on her? You’d encountered many things on your journey, but ridiculous, silly Rose Lalonde is probably the most stunning.

“Well that’s actually pretty sad.” You say with a chuckle.

“It is, isn’t it?” She frowns and turns back to the box to spit into it again. After a while, she continues. “I fell down the stairs, John.”

“Yeah, Aradia said that…”

“After I kissed Kanaya,” She cuts you off. “I fell down the stairs.”

And then she’s giggling like a madwoman and reaching towards you with a shaky hand, grabbing a fistful of your jacket.

“Can you believe that?!?” Rose grins at you. “ _Me_. I kissed her.”

You don’t know what’s so funny, but Rose seems to be having a ball at the thought of her smooching on Kanaya. Something heavy and large in your stomach rolls over and you suddenly wish that Rose hadn’t told you what happened. You could have gone the rest of your life without knowing that Rose had… kissed someone.

Someone other than you.

It’s not like you had that market cornered or anything. Both times that you’ve locked lips with Rose, she’d been incapacitated to one degree or another. It’s not like she actually wanted to kiss you. It’s not like you’d ever expected her to feel anything other than friendship for you. You’re always going to be her goofy, dorky friend named John Egbert.

The block of lead in your gut rolls over again, crushing your lungs and making it hard to breathe.

You’re with Vriska anyways. It’s not like you could ever leave Vriska for Rose, not when you love your Matesprit already.

You do love your Matesprit… Right?

Of course you do. You have to love Vriska. You had sex with her, right? That means that you love her. You know that, you’ve always known that. Cameron Poe and Tricia Poe loved each other and they had sex. Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor were in love and they had sex too.

So you love Vriska. That’s just the way things are.

You remember Vriska crying in Equius’s lab and her defending you against Dave’s Bro. You remember her killing you and stealing your shirt.

Rose dry heaves into the box, drawing you back to the present. You’re still painfully aware of the heavy weight in your stomach, only increasing in density when you look at the soft curve of Rose’s ear as her head bobs over box again.

Where the hell did Kanaya go to get that water? Fucking LOWAS?!? She sure is taking her sweet time.

Rose is talking again.

“I’m sorry, John.” She mumbles. “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s okay.”

“We were supposed to dance. I- I was… I’m supposed to save you a dance, remember?”

Oh… _That’s_ what she’s talking about.

“Rain check?” You offer.

“No.” She pulls her head up again to look at you. “Let’s dance right now.”

You’re smiling again, despite yourself.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea at the moment, Rose.”

As fun as it would be to stumble around the room, dodging cots and trying to keep her upright, you’d rather not attempt dancing with her in her current state. She looks disappointed… like, really disappointed. Like she might cry.

“Why don’t you want to dance with me, John?” She pouts. “I’m a good dancer. I took tap lessons.”

“Really? When?”

“When I was little.” She holds up her hand, index finger and thumb about an inch apart for emphasis.

Tap dancing? You learn new stuff every day. You wonder whether Rose asked to be signed up for tap dancing lessons if her mother pushed her into it in some veiled, passive aggressive ploy to get on her nerves. You don’t know, so you decide to ask.

“Did you want to take tap dancing lessons?”

“Yes, of course.” Rose rolls her eyes as if you’d just asked a stupid question. “It was the most fun I’ve ever had without…”

“Ahem.” A delicate cough from behind interrupts your conversation.

 It’s Kanaya.

“I have the water.” She says, thrusting the cup towards Rose.

Rose takes it and drinks greedily, her talk with you apparently forgotten for the time being. That’s alright though. You got the answer that you wanted. It isn’t hard for you to imagine a smaller version of your Rose, gracefully pirouetting around on stage in front of a crowd of adoring parents and one particular alcoholic mother, half asleep in the front row.

“I can take it from here, if you want to get back to the party.” Kanaya nudges you with her toe, snapping you from your thoughts.

“Oh…” You look from her, to Rose, then back to her again. “Yeah. Right.”

You stand up and Kanaya switches spots with you, taking up Rose’s hair in one hand and resting her other on the small of her back. You stand there, awkwardly staring at the pair of them for a moment. They’re both really pretty, really smart, and really… just so similar in your opinion. You’re having a hard time imagining a scenario where you fit in somewhere, not that you’d want to… because you have Vriska.

And you love her.

“I’ll keep an eye on her.” Kanaya is saying, trying to usher you away. “She’s in good hands, John.”

The bulky something is still in your gut, as heavy and powerful as ever. You know, somehow, that it will always be there, that it always has sort of has been.

“Yeah,” You turn to leave. “I know.”

The door shuts behind you rather loudly, but you don’t really care. The strange music is still blaring loudly above on the deck and it’s not like anyone is trying to sleep or anything. It just seems oddly deafening in the small corridor.

You might as well rejoin the party, even though you feel pretty spent for some reason. It would be nice to sleep, but pretty rude in your opinion. It’s still Karkat’s wriggling day and you feel some obligation to go back upstairs and celebrate with him.

A few steps towards the stairs and suddenly your path is blocked by something large and intimidating. Or rather, _someone_ large and intimidating.

“Oh, hey Equius.” You smile up at your friend. “Sorry, man. I didn’t see you there.”

You try to step around him, but a bulky arm blocks your path.

“A word, Egbert. If you please.” His deep voice seems to vibrate the very floor beneath your feet.

He doesn’t wait for a response before pressing a large palm down on your shoulder and steering you away from the stairs and further into the heart of the ship. You have to admit, you’re a little nervous. What does he want to talk about? Is this some sort of weird troll ritual associated with the Mlpuia Jive called ‘ _Beat Up the Human Kid Named John’_? You don’t think that you could fight off Equius even if you tried.

Eventually you come to a stop outside of a door you’ve yet to see opened, but then again you haven’t really explored the ship that much. What’s inside this room? Could it be a special place full of furry animals and delicious treats? That seems unlikely giving Equius’s current mood. Most likely it’s the place where cleaning up your blood will be the easiest.

“In here.” Equius commands, opening the door and pushing you inside.

It’s pretty dark and when Equius shuts the door, you’re suddenly cast into darkness.

“Well, er… Equius, buddy.” You swallow. “Is there- uh, a reason for all of this?”

A switch is flicked and a light bulb is illuminated overhead. Fuck, you had no idea he was standing that close to you. His suit is soaked in sweat, nothing new there, and you notice that he’s chewing his lip nervously. The pair of you are standing in what looks like a generic supply closet, although the absence of cleaning buckets is duly noted.

“Straight to the point, John.” Equius says. “What is going on between you and Aradia?”

You breathe a heavy sigh of relief. He notices your loss of tension.

“What?” He demands. “What is it?”

“I’m sorry.” You wipe a little sweat off your brow. “I just thought you brought me in here to murder me or something for whatever reason. Gog, am I stupid.”

You start to laugh, but trail off quickly when Equius lowers his cracked shades to glare at you.

“This is a serious matter, Egbert. I request that you answer my question immediately.”  He’s seems one part anxious and one part angry.

You may be socially inept in the worst way, but you do have your moments every once and a while. Right now, you can easily tell that Equius has got the hots for your date and that’s fine with you. If he wants to be with Aradia, who are you to stand in his way?

“Look, Equius.” You try to put him at ease. “Nothing is going on between me and Aradia. We just came to the Jive as friends. I don’t like her at all. I mean, she’s cool and stuff, but I really don’t think she likes me like that…” You pause for a second, thinking. “Does she?”

He also stops to think.

“I don’t know,” He frowns. “But you are saying that you hold no flushed feelings for Aradia at the present moment?”

“The present moment or any moment  in the future.” You shrug. “I’m with Vris… I mean, I’m not really looking for a Matesprit right now, or a Morial, or anything else like that. And I seriously doubt that Aradia is looking for any of that either, with me at least. You should still try though.”

He looks at you incredulously.

“Who ever said that I’m interested in Aradia?” He says. “I’m a High Blood, and therefore have no reason to associate with Low Bloods such as her. This conversation is merely… causal banter.”

“Casual banter?”

“Yes. Just pleasant chatter between two friends.”

“You forced me into a closet, Equius.”

“Forgive me for not wanting to be interrupted.” He throws the door open and steps out into the hallway again. “I’ll see you upstairs.”

He turns to leave, but you follow quickly.

“Hey, Equius.” You jog after him.

“Yes?”

“You should ask Aradia to dance.” You say, then continue before he can respond. “Yeah, I heard what you said about the High and Low blood or whatever, but that just seems silly to me. If you really like someone that stuff shouldn’t matter. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.”

“But, John.” He cocks his head. “Her blood actually _is_ inside her…”

“Yeah, I know. Just give me a second. That was a bad use of an idiom.” You rub the back of your neck. “What I’m trying to say is: just follow your heart, okay?”

“My heart?” Equius echoes. “John, that’s ridiculous. My heart is an organ which pumps…”

“Shut up and ask her to dance!”

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too... Or is it?

If you were anyone else, you’d probably be having a semi-pleasurable time. Hell, even Rose, who’s currently coughing her skeleton up into a box, got some dancing and smooching in beforehand. You, on the other hand, are just sitting at this table, stewing in your self-hatred and regret like some kind of baby carrot in a Crockpot.

On a slightly unrelated side-note, you think that it’s pretty bullshit that baby carrots don’t exist in real life. Before the world was destroyed, there weren’t people out there in little farms, growing little carrots. They grew regular carrots and cut them down into baby form. That’s fucking lame.

Well, that’s what Jade told you at least. That little green thumbed cutie.

Speaking of Jade, she’s currently in the process of grinding on your least favorite person/troll in the whole universe. Watching them gyrate on the floor like a couple of hooligans to this bizarre alien music really gets your blood boiling. Why the fuck didn’t you go and find Jade the second you heard about this stupid Jive? A lot of unwanted problems could have been solved if you were just quicker on the ball and maybe a little humbler too, just a little.

You hear Nepeta a few feet away, whining to her troll friends about what a shitty person you are. She’s saying some pretty rude things about you, stuff about your mom and whatnot. You could care less though. Nepeta’s never met your mom and neither have you. Also you’re currently in the process of hating yourself and whatever Nepeta says about you isn’t nearly as brutal as what you have to say about yourself.

On a slightly unrelated side-note, you guess that the closest thing you have to a mother is Rose’s actual mom, or your ecto-mom, or something. John’s ectobiological shenanigans really fucked up your family tree, which once consisted of just you and Bro. You don’t know rather to slap John or shake his hand, so you’ll just do neither.

Anyways, from what you hear from Rose, her mom is quite the piece of work. You wonder if Mama Lalonde and you would get along okay. Despite whatever Rose says, she doesn’t know what it’s like to not have a mom. You think it’d be pretty cool to have one though and that’s saying a lot coming from you, the king of _cool_.

A high-pitched peal of laughter draws you up from the salty depths of heavy musing. Jade is giggling like a lunatic in Karkat’s arms as they spin around in some complicated figure eight shape. Karkat looks slightly less angst ridden than usual and just sitting here, watching them be sort of happy together, causes that boiling hot blood to cool a little.

Maybe Jade deserves to be happy with Vantas for a little while? She sure as hell didn’t have much human contact growing up on that island with her ancient Grandpa and mysterious dog, Bec, let alone human _boy_ contact. Maybe Jade deserves to have Karkat and vice versa?

**HELL FUCKING NO.**

You stand up and suddenly a hand comes down on your shoulder, forcing you back into your seat.

“Trust me, Bro.” John says, plopping down next to you. “You don’t want to do that.”

“Do what?” You snap at him.

“You were about to run over there and ruin their night.” He replies, with a nod towards Jade and Karkat.

“Pshhhh.” You wave off the gross accusation and add another: “Pssshhhhhhh.” For good measure.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” John chuckles. “Listen, you aren’t going to look like the good guy if you just run in there and break them up.”

“Well what do _you_ suggest exactly?” You notice that your level of snark has risen to new heights, probably due to over-exposure to your ecto-sister. You decide to tone it down a bit, since John’s really only trying to help.

“You could wait for them to finish a dance,” He explains. “Then swoop in, apologize for being a dick, and then _politely_ ask Jade to dance with you.”

Oh, really now. How can John possibly think that it’s that simple?

“How can you possibly think that it’s that simple?” You ask.

“Because it is. Jade doesn’t hold a grudge. You know that. She most likely just wants to forgive and forget as quickly as possible. The sooner things get back to normal between you two, the better.”

“What about Vantas?”

You doubt that Karkat will be as quick to _‘forgive and forget’_ and judging by the look on John’s face, he’s probably thinking the same thing. You don’t know whether to be pleased that you stumped John, or disappointed that he doesn’t have a solution to that particular problem.

John looks down the length of the table, where the troll girls, Terezi, Aradia, and your date Nepeta, are chatting. An imaginary light bulb illuminates over his head.

“Just leave it to me.” He says with a grin and then turns to someone sitting on his other side, whose presence you hadn’t noticed until now. “Alright Equius, it’s time to rock n’ roll.”

The large, high-blooded troll looks a little nervous.

“I don’t know, John.” He says. “I think that maybe I shouldn’t…”

“Nonsense!” John cuts him off and jumps to his feet, grabbing Equius by the arm and hauling him towards the girls. “I’m making this happen.”

Not wanting to miss the excitement, but wanting to maintain your cool pretense of indifference, you sigh, reluctantly climb to your feet, and follow your best friend and Equius.

“Hey there, uh… ladies.” John says, smothering the girls in James Bond levels of smooth. “How’s it going?”

“Hello, John.” Aradia says with a small smile. “We’re good. How’s Rose holding up?”

“She’s fine, just a little too much to drink.”

Dammit! Once again you’ve managed to miss an episode of _‘Drunk Lalonde’_ starring Rose, missing out on a great time and a veritable treasure trove of teasing material. Oh well, next time.

“Some people just aren’t cut out for life in the fast lane!” Terezi cackles, rocking back and forth in her chair. She’s obviously had her fair share of Faygo. “What color was her puke?”

“It was red.” John says, wrinkling his nose at the memory. Terezi snickers and John continues. “Anyways, I have an idea: let’s not talk about that anymore.”

“Why not?” Nepeta chimes in. “It’s purrrty funny. On a scale of one to ten, how green was her face?”

“I bet it was a solid forty-two!” Terezi shrieks with laughter.

“Forty-two isn’t between one and ten.” John reprimands. “And it _isn’t_ funny. Anyone could have gotten sick.”

“Your right.” Terezi says. “But it was flawless, little Rose, therefore it’s _hilarious_.”

 “I know, right?” Nepeta giggles. “Just imagine her.”  The cat girl mimes coughing up a hair ball and Terezi cackles loudly again.

John’s eyebrows knit and you can tell that he’s getting upset. That’s interesting. You’ve never seen John angry before. Half of you wants to see him blow his lid, but the other half, the best friend half, wants to defuse the situation before it gets out of hand.

You open your mouth to speak, but someone beats you to it.

“I’m actually glad you came back, John.” Aradia blurts, eyeing him and the other troll girls warily. “I wanted to ask if I could dance with Nepeta for a bit.”

John does a double take at his partner, all signs of anger giving way to confusion.

“What?” He asks.

“Can I dance with Nepeta?”

“Uh, yeah… of course. You don’t even have too…” John trails off, shoots a quick glance at Equius, before looking at Aradia, and finally at Nepeta. “You know, actually I was wondering if _I_ could dance with Nepeta.”

Everyone looks stunned at John’s words. Particularly Nepeta herself.

“Re… Really, Johnkitty?” Nepeta asks, her large eyes glowing.

“Sure, why not.” You’re probably the only one who notices how unenthused John is by the idea.

“Okay, well that’s fine with me.” Aradia says and then stands up. “I think I’d better go to bed then.”

John looks at Equius, fixing the troll with a glare that very plainly says: _‘Do it now, or else forever keep your peace!’_.

“Aradia!” Equius booms loud enough to wake up consorts on the ground far below. “Would you like to dance with me!”

Everyone winces at his voice, even Jade and Karkat seem to pause to investigate the thunderous disturbance. Aradia blinks at him for a moment.

“Alright.” She says with a shrug.

Equius grins, sweats some more, and takes Aradia’s hand to lead her out onto the deck. It’s kind of sweet, if you’re into that kind of saccharine bullshit. John did his part, occupying Nepeta and pairing up his date with Equius. He isn’t done yet though, by the looks of it.

“Terezi.” He says. “You should go dance with Karkat.”

You can’t see the blind girl’s eyes, but you’re pretty sure she’s blinking in surprise, much like Aradia was scant seconds ago.

“Pshhhh.” She snorts. “Karkat doesn’t want to dance with me. Not when he has his head halfway up Harley’s skirt.”

You look over your shoulder to make sure that Terezi is just exaggerating and not being literal. Thankfully it’s the former, or else you would have had to beat some troll ass.

“Oh, no.” John says. “Karkat says that after this song, he totally wants to dance with you.”

“Shut up, Egbert.” Terezi frowns at the table. “Karkat doesn’t like me anymore.”

“Yeah he does!  He said that you were a Miss Hottie... ness, and that he would like to go out with you for texting and scones.”

**FACE PALM COMBO x1**

You slap your palm against your forehead with an audible _smack_. John obviously hasn’t done anything like this before, like… ever. No one in their right mind would ever take John’s words as anything close to fact. They’d have to be completely…

“Really?!” Terezi’s face lights up considerably. “Why didn’t you say so!”

Without waiting for the song to end, she jumps to her feet and races over towards Jade and Karkat. You really hope that John’s meddling doesn’t come back to haunt him. His intentions are good, despite his lack of tact.

“Come on, Johnkitty!” Nepeta leaps up and grabs John’s sleeve. “Let’s Jive like a couple of wildcats!”

As your best friend is dragged away. He shoots you a look similar to the one he gave Equius earlier. You get the message.

You turn around to see that Terezi has managed to pry Karkat away from Jade and is now sweeping him across the floor like an old mop. Jade is now alone. Your chance has come. You have to do this. It’s now or never.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are now Jade Harley. Now dance, fucker, dance. Like you never had a chance!

Man, you hate that song. You wish it wasn’t so damn catchy.

You continue to hum that atrocious Offspring song as you stand alone, having lost your partner to one Terezi Pyrope. Karkat doesn’t look too pleased with the sudden change in ladies, but you’re more than happy to share your date. It’s only common courtesy, after all.

So far this evening, you’ve had a pretty good time with Karkat. You’d never have thought that he’d be one for casual conversation. Every interaction you’ve had with him before tonight had either consisted of him yelling at you, bringing forth disturbing information, or bossing you around like some queen bee in a hive full of little bees.

You are a little bee. It is you.

However, as previously stated, Karkat has been nothing but amiable tonight. It’s actually a little disconcerting. When he had first asked you to the dance, you’d said _‘yes’_ simply because it seemed like the right thing to do. You surely didn’t want to show up to this shindig alone and you seriously doubted that Dave would be able to go with you. He’d most likely already be snatched up by some lucky lady before you could even open your mouth. Seriously, that guy is like the coolest of the cool. The most desirable bachelor in the universe. The biggest, fattest, nastiest PIECE OF TRASH!

 Your entire relationship with Dave just seems like one big metaphorical rollercoaster. One second you’re wondering what your kids would look like (you can thank Karkat’s stupid shipping chart for those fantasies), and then the next second you’re wanting to blow a hole in his head with a flintlock pistol.

“Stupid hormones.” You mutter under your breath as you watch Karkat being used and abused by Terezi. “Being a girl sucks.”

You’re starting to think that you should head back over to the table for a much needed break when there’s a light tap on your shoulder. It’s Dave _‘speak of the devil’_ Strider

“I have to agree with you there.” He says with a smirk. “Menstruations, painful child birth. Being a girl does suck.”

“Is that really how you’re going to apologize?” You cross your arms over your chest.

His smirk falters.

“I, uh… no. That was a shit thing to say. Let’s start that again, okay?” He walks backwards, says something that sounds like _‘doodle doodle doodle do’_ , and then taps your shoulder once more.

“Hey, Harley.” He says with a second smirk.

“What the fuck was that?” You bite your tongue. You _will_ not laugh at him.

“That was me going back in time so that I can re-apologize.”

“What was the ‘doodle doodle doodle do’ part?”

“That was me talking backwards.”

You snort with laughter in a completely unattractive way. You win this round, Strider. Damn you!

“Nice,” You giggle. “You do know that you can _actually_ travel through time, right?”

“Yeah,” He shoves his hands in his pockets. “But where’s the fun in that?”

“ _Fun_?” You repeat with mock incredulity. “Since when did you ever do anything that wasn’t buried under layers and layers of irony just for fun?”

“What can I say? You’ve warmed my satirical, little, icy heart.” He holds out his hand. “Are you busy right now?”

You tap your chin with a fingernail for a moment.

“Nope. Not at the moment.”

“Cool.” He smiles, actually smiles. “Then can I have this dance?”

You almost want to deny him, so that he’ll be pressured into showering you with more of those tiny smiles. However, both of you know that he’s already won. He won a long time ago, fighting on the deck of a golden ship, holding you close in a cave while oily rain fell around you, carrying you for miles, and cooking the worst mushroom stew you’ve ever tasted.

You take his hand and tug him close, burying yourself in his chest. He wraps you in those long arms of his and you can feel every knobby joint in his body, every sharp angle and skinny limb.

“You can be a real dick sometimes.” You mumble into his ridiculous red suit.

“I know.” He replies with absolute certainty. “I’m sorry. I was just… jealous. Of him.”

You shift so that you can look up into his glossy, black, emotionless eyes. One day you’ll peel back all those layers of irony and glass. In a time where everything seems more than a little uncertain, you know that for sure.

“Don’t be.” You say.

And then you’re kissing him and he’s kissing back and there’s nothing around you but empty space and endless time.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently walking, sliding one foot in front of the other in a ridiculous zombie-like shuffle. At the present time, you don’t remember anything past sitting down at the table to eat Beefgrub. Eating in the loosest sense of the word. You’d barely touched that bizarre alien dish. After waking up on your cot, still dressed in the beautiful dress Kanaya had made for you, you’d staggered out into the hall.

It only takes a second for you to realize that you’ve once again fallen prey to the slippery wiles of liquor. What is it with the medium and having great abundances of alcoholic drinks? Seriously, it’s like every time you sit down to drink something you end up getting hammered.

As you make your way down the corridor, away from your dormitory, you notice that all the lights in the ship have been extinguished. Everyone has gone to bed. You’ve missed the party. A million curses would fly from your mouth if your tongue wasn’t once again wrapped up in a fluffy sock. You need fresh air and water.

_“Look at you, Rose.”_ A voice slithers in your ear and wraps around your brain stem in a tight coil. _“Worthless drunk, just like your mother.”_

The voices are still there, as if you needed to be reminded that you’re never alone anymore, not even in your own head. It’s hard to walk, talk, smile with everyone else when you feel like you’re disability is starting to define you. Talking to Kanaya had helped but it was a temporary fix. In the end, it just gave more ammunition to the voices to use against you.

You close your eyes and move up the stairs and out into open night. The stars are too bright and the moon seems to be frying you like an ant under a magnifying glass. The deck of the ship is dissimilarly cold under your bare feet.

You’ve gotten the fresh air, chilled by the LOFAF winds. Now all you need is some water.

The stars move in sharp streaks as you turn blindly. You probably aren’t going to find a fountain of delicious water on the deck of the ship. Your best bet is to head back downstairs and try to find a jug in the Alchemiter room. If worst comes to worst, you can always wake up Kanaya. She’s one person you can trust not to laugh at you in your incapacitated state.

You stumble as you turn, but quickly regain your footing. A few more steps forward and your path is suddenly blocked by something hard and wooden pressing into your waist. That’s strange. There wasn’t a railing in front of the stairs before.

_“We could have done great things together, Rose. How many times must I remind you of your wasted potential? Worthless drunk, silly witch, horrible friend.”_

“ROSE!”

Someone shouts your name, but it’s too late. You’ve already sloppily clambered over the railing and tumbled off the side of the golden ship.

Cold air pulls and tugs at your hair and dress, sharpening your senses and forcing your eyes to snap open. Then you remember to scream.

“JOHN!”

You see white snow, then black sky, then white snow again. You’re spinning like a fragile leaf in the wind, flipping and twisting feebly as you fall towards your inevitable death. Furiously you wrack your brains, thinking of a spell, an incantation that can save you. Nothing comes to mind, not that it matters anyway. You’ve left your wands on the ship along with your brain.

_“Worthless. Waste of space. No point in even…”_

Then the voices are gone and he is there. For a second, you think that you’re still falling, but you aren’t. Now you’re flying and he’s holding you to his chest like you’re the most precious thing in the world, rocking you in the most gentle dance, and muttering over and over:

“I got you. I got you. I got you.”

And you know that he does, not just because he’s crushing you in his grasp, but because he’s always been there. You know that he always will be.

John slows his flight and you guess that the golden ship is drawing closer once more. You can’t see its bright golden hull though, nor the bright stars or blinding moon. All you see is a blue.

When you wake up the next morning you remember nothing of the previous night, except the bottom of a glass, a kiss at the top of some stairs, and a blue blazer.

**END OF INTERMISSION ONE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's finished. Now we're getting back to the main plot. I have one other intermission planned much later, but other than that, everything should be straight forward from now on. I hope that all of you reading this story have enjoyed it so far. I've certainly enjoyed writing it.
> 
> Saw Guardians of the Galaxy the other night. Jesus, Marvel is on hot streak with these movies. They're definitely building up towards something completely awesome and insane. 
> 
> Thanks for reading guys. You're the best.  
> \- Mike


	22. ACT 3 - PART 1

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are Vriska Serket. You’re dead, but… you’re kind of not at the same time.

It’s a little complicated and hard to explain. Let’s just rewind a bit, shall we?

After being killed by Terezi on top of your super not-so-secret base, you’d floated in around in limbo for a good while, simply fuming.

“Stupid, blind bitch.” You muttered, bobbing along lazily on a gust of void-wind. “She’s totally getting kicked out of the Scourge Sisters.”

Even if you could deliver a message to Terezi with notice of her severance, she probably wouldn’t give two shits. The pair of you haven’t role-played as a team since you entered the medium, which right now feels like sweeps ago. She’s probably all but forgotten the infamous Scourge Sisters.

That’s what disturbs you the most. Not being murdered, but the feeling that you’ll be forgotten too. After all of your glorious and often nefarious exploits, you still might just end up as a story in the end.

“John will remember.” You said, reassuring yourself quickly.

You’ve made enough of an impact on him that he’s bound to remember you until the day he dies.  At least that’s what you tell yourself. He did leave you behind when he went to go fight Jack Noir and rescue Rose. And, yeah, that sucked, but his actions were probably driven by some outdated chivalrous desire to keep you out of harm’s way, which is extremely ridiculous in your opinion, since you could probably beat up John six ways to Sunday. Even with his new wind powers, that you totally helped him get by the way.

With a heavy sigh, you floated in empty space, wondering what you could possibly do to pass the time in oblivion. Just when you’d all but resigned yourself to an eternity of pointless musing, something gently bumped into your shoulder.

You investigated the disturbance and was surprised to find that not only are you not alone in limbo, but that there’s actually _something_ here besides black, empty space.

As it turns out, you’d unwittingly floated into a windmill, a windmill attatached to a perfect replica of Tavros’s hive on LOSAZ. A sharp, deadly smile formed on your face.

“Maybe being dead won’t be all that bad after all?” You chuckled and floated down towards the hive

Needless to say Dead Tavros was just about as happy to see Dead Vriska as Living Tavros was to see Living Vriska. It took some clever coaxing from yourself to earn his trust once again.

“Come on, Pupa.” You said, slamming your fist against his front door. “You know that I didn’t mean to kill you. It was an accident.”

“A-an accident?!” Tavros spluttered incredulously. “You accused me of allowing your human boyfriend to escape then blew my head off!”

“Yeah, but what’s a homicide between two pals, huh?” You gripped the door knob tightly in your robotic hand. “Listen, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way. Just let me in.”

“No! Go build your own imaginary dream house!”

Not a bad suggestion, although this method is way easier and waaaay more fun.

“I guess it’s going to be the hard way then.” You crushed the door knob in your fist and gently pushed the door open.

“Honey!” You called up the ramp leading to his room. “I’m home!”

Okay, so maybe you hadn’t earned his trust back and maybe you hadn’t so much as coaxed your way inside, but actually committed breaking and entering. Either way, the past is in the past and you spent a good amount of time after that just chilling with Tavros in his imaginary hive.

“Where are you going?” You snapped at him one day, or night, or whatever. There isn’t exactly a sun or moon in limbo.

Tavros looked at you, as you lounged on his sofa, with a perfect mixture of yearning and fear.

“I’m, uh… just going over to Gamzee’s for a while.” He said, nervously shifting in his wheel chair.

“Really, again?” You shrugged and stuffed another handful of crisps into your mouth. “You’ve been going over there a lot recently. Anything you want to tell me?”

“No.” He said, turning his chair towards the door. “There isn’t.”

Gamzee had arrived shortly after you, quickly building his own hive near Sollux’s and Feferi’s. You don’t interact with them much though. You didn’t in life so why should that change after death? You prefer the company of bumbling weaklings over prissy fish queens, killer clowns, or lispy computer programmers any day of the week.

After Tavros left, you spent some time sleeping, eating, and musing. Pretty much all you’ve done since death. You wish that Tavros would hurry up and imagine up a game consol. He’s been trying quite a lot under your instance, although so far he’s been unsuccessful. He claims that conjuring something so complex is _‘hard’_ and _‘painful’_.

“That doesn’t stop you from conjuring a shit ton of books for no reason.” You said to yourself, alone in Tavros’s hive.

Why does he have so many of these things anyway? Does he even like to read?

You climbed to your feet and slouched over to his bookshelf, pulling down a tome at random.

“Methods of resurrection.” You read the cover. “Interesting.”

Maybe Tavros isn’t as pointless as you thought? You wait until he gets home from Gamzee’s to assault him with your queries.

“Alright, Pupa.” You said, grabbing his wheelchair and steering him into the main room before he’s even fully through the door. You grabbed the book you had found earlier and throw it into his lap. “Start explaining.”

“Explain what?” He asked, rubbing his stomach where the book had struck him.

“You have all these books about coming back to life. Obviously you have a plan about escaping this place. So start talking.”

“I don’t have a plan.” Tavros sighed. “Well… not really. It won’t work, you see?”

“What won’t work?” You slammed your hands down on the sides of his chair and brought your face close to his. “Start talking like a normal, functioning person!”

“W- well, you see.” He swallowed hard under your furious gaze. “There’s th- this ring.”

And then he told you everything he knew, everything about The Black King’s ring and it’s magical powers. If someone who has died puts on the ring then they can rejoin the realm of the living, only existing there as long as they wear the ring. It sounded totally awesome to you.

The only probably was that Tavros was right. The plan wouldn’t work because Jack Noir is out there, while you’re still trapped in here, dead. You would need someone with a foot in both realms, someone who could die and live at the same time. In short, you needed someone in the God Tiers.

You needed John.

So you got to work. For the first time since entering limbo, you begin to use your imagination to conjure something. You did your best to remember everything you could about John. His childhood, his father, his life before the game, his dorky smile, and his awkward ramblings. It was the happiest you’d been in a while, floating and just remembering your Matesprit and everything about him.

“What are you building?” Tavros had the courage to ask eventually.

“It’s a house, dummy. What does it look like?”

“I… don’t know, really.” He scratched behind his annoyingly massive horns. “What’s a house?”

“It’s like a…” You wracked your brains. “It’s like a hive, but for humans. Now fuck off. Can’t you see that I’m busy?”

It was a mess, a terrible, miserable excuse for a human house. That didn’t matter though, it was close enough. John would fill in the rest and then some whenever he showed up. All you had to do now was hope, wait, and work some magic.

Dream Bubbles aren’t easy to create, especially when you’re trying to build them around misshapen constructs supposed to resemble houses. It took a lot of energy from you, more than you’d ever care to admit. You had to focus, use your will to bend the path of death and redirect John away from a random spot in the void and towards the Dream Bubble you created. Like a hound on a scent, he’d catch a whiff of his home, something familiar and latch onto it.

At least, that was the theory. Tavros’s books were annoying vague on the subject.

It took a while, a very long while. You waited though. Patience has never been one of your strong suits, but you felt the importance of this particular waiting period. There was so much that could go wrong with this plan that wanting to rush things would only make things worse.

What if John didn’t die again? What if the house you made wasn’t close enough?

What if he didn’t want to help you?

No. You and John were Matesprits. Of course he would help you. After everything you’d done for him, he _better_ help you. Regardless of how overwhelming your doubts threatened to become, time continued to pass. Tavros’s hive, which had once just been just that, had grown into a small desert oasis in a floating see of dark void.  It seemed that the longer you were all here, the more stuff just started to pop up.

You would lie out in front of Tavros’s hive, on the gritty sand, watching the occasional bee buzz from the castle-like block of space that Sollux and Feferi had claimed as their own. You rarely see that couple outside of their little biome. They spend most of their time in that atrociously green castle doing Gog know what. They stay out of your hair though and that’s more than you could ask for. Gamzee typically keeps to himself as well, with Tavros trekking across the void to visit him on occasion.

Everyone was starting to form their own lands again in the afterlife, everyone except you. All you’ve done is built John’s house. Needless to say, all of your hard work better pay off.

 It happens when you’re floating outside of the house. Tavros left you alone again, so you didn’t have much to do besides just… float. Suddenly white shit starts to fall from the sky, collecting in your hair and chilling your exposed nose and ears.

John is here.

Time passes after you’re meeting with John, although less agonizingly slow knowing that your plan is well underway. He seemed to understand the plan well and promised to bring you the ring as soon as he could. John will pull through for you, you know that. If there’s anyone that you can trust, it’s your Matesprit.

One day, night, whatever, you stroll in Tavros’s hive, kicking the door shut behind you and stomping the sand from your sneakers onto the front rug.

“You’ll never guess what I just…” You trail off, going mute at the sight awaiting you in the main room.

Tavros is lying on the floor, pinning someone underneath him in a head lock.

“Vriska! Stay back!” Your roommate yells, struggling to pin the mystery person. “We have a burglar!”

“Vriska?!” The stranger croaks, trying to shove off Tavros. “She’s here?”

“What the hell is going on?!” You shout, approaching the struggling pair.

“There’s a thief in our house!”

“I’m not a thief! Just let me explain!”

“EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!” You put an end to the tussle by grabbing the collar of Tavros’s shirt and yanking him off the floor, before tossing him in the direction of his wheelchair. You’ll admit that you’re a little impressed that the handicap troll had the balls to take on this newcomer. It’s possible that he might be capable of bravery yet.

The stranger clambers to his feet and you clench your robotic fist, ready to double kill this guy if Tavros proves to be right in saying that he’s some sort of criminal. He’s a human, tall and thin, dressed in a shabby blue coat and dirty pants. His face is obscured with a mop of shaggy black hair, a scraggily beard, and a pair of thick-framed glasses.

“Vriska!” The stranger smiles at you, at least you think he does. It’s hard to tell under all that hair. “It’s me. I’m back, a little sooner than I expected, but I’m back.”

“Who are you?” You demand. “What do you mean _‘you’re back’_? How do you know who I am?”

“Don’t you recognize me?” The man frowns. “Man I know it’s been a while, but I really don’t think it’s been _that_ long. Or maybe it has been? Does time pass differently here? Oh man, so much has happened, Vriska. I have so much to tell you.”

You lunge forward, grabbing the alien by his coat and shoving him against the book self. A few leather tomes fall to the floor as the furniture rattles dangerously.

“Answer my questions human, before I rip your fucking head off!”  You scream in his face.

“Vr- Vriska!” He splutters. “It’s me.”

He reaches up and pushes the hair off of his forehead, grinning sheepishly. He has startling blue eyes and the dorkiest smile you’ve ever seen in your entire life.

“John?”

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. And you really aren’t in the mood to be dealing with this bullshit, but then again, can one ever really be in the mood to deal with bullshit?

Last night’s celebration turned out to be pretty Gog-dammed shitty, which is actually better than you thought it would be. You’d expected it to be an outright disaster.  But with some good food, a few mediocre gifts, and a spot of dancing, you’re content with how your party went.

It’s what happened after your party that’s currently showering you with unwanted bullshit. Namely, the near death experience of Rose Lalonde.

You, your best friend/first mate, the leader of the humans, and the biggest tool in the galaxy are currently tucked away in one of the smaller rooms in the belly of the golden ship. It’s a little hot due to the room’s proximity to the engines and your turtle neck sweater isn’t doing much to help. Needless to say, you’re already in a bad mood before the meeting even starts.

Now well underway, it seems unlikely that your mood is ever going to improve.

“How the fuck could this happen?!” Dave Strider demands.

“Simple,” You snap back. “Humans are stupid and they do stupid things, like practice their diving form off the edge of an aircraft!”

“Rose didn’t do it on purpose.” John interjects before Dave can respond. “She was still pretty drunk when I got her back on board. She didn’t know what she was doing.”

“Well whose fault is it for getting her drunk?” You jab a finger towards each of the humans. “If you people go fucking crazy with a little bit of alcohol, then you two should know not to drink it, am I right?”

“We don’t go crazy with alcohol. It’s just that too much can…” John thinks for a moment. “Cloud our judgment.”

That sounds incredibly stupid in your opinion. What kind of species loses their common sense when they drink too much of a certain liquid? A dumb one, that’s what. Sure, too much Faygo can have a negative effect on a troll, but nowhere near this kind of suicidal shit

“Speaking of judgment,” Dave wheels on Kanaya. “John said that _you_ were with her. Why couldn’t you keep an eye on her?!”

“Don’t you dare start accusing her!” You jump in. “Rose is your sister, right? Where the fuck were you?”

“In my room, Karkles. You know, that place where I fucking sleep. Kanaya here sleeps right next to Rose, all snuggled up with her no doubt.” Strider turns back to Kanaya. “Are you seriously telling me that you just let her walk off like that?”

“I was asleep as well,” Kanaya defends herself. “After Rose got into bed, I didn’t think that she would get up again before the morning, when the effects of the Faygo had worn off.”

“Well you thought _wrong_!” With a shout, Dave slams his fist on the table between all of you. He’s more emotional then you’ve ever seen him before. As much as you like to see him lose his cool, you’d prefer if he didn’t break anything.

You’re about to tell him to step off, when John beats you to it.

“Calm down, Dave. It’s nobody’s fault. It was just an accident.” He says.

“Are you kidding me, Bro?” Strider responds. “You’re okay with this?”

“I never said that.”

“Then why are you so calm! Rose could have died! If you weren’t up there…” He trails off, the alternative apparently too horrible to fathom. “Just… fuck.”

Dave slumps back in his seat and everyone is quiet for a moment. John is watching his friend with a concerned look on his face, while you look at Kanaya. Your first mate is staring at her own lap, her lower lip twisted around one of her fangs.  Her eyes are still rimmed with a slight jade tinge. She’d been crying, distraught by the news of her partner’s late-night flight. She feels guilty enough without Strider laying into her for no good reason.

“Listen, Dave.” John shifts in his chair, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m not freaking out right now because I already got that out of my system earlier. Trust me; I flipped plenty of shit when no one was looking. And if you think it’s scary to hear about this stuff, just imagine watching it happen. I couldn’t…” He takes a long breath before continuing. “It was an accident. Everyone’s okay though and really, when you think about it, that’s all that matters.”

Dave just nods, staring at the spot where he’d punched the table with a fierce intensity. John continues.

“Why don’t you go up and help Jade with packing?” He offers.

“No.” Is Strider’s instant response. “I’m not going anywhere.”

You exhale heavily, rolling your eyes towards the ceiling.

“You don’t belong here, Strider. If you want to be helpful, go move boxes with everyone else. There’s nothing that you can do down here, besides just sit there and stare like a brain dead monkey.” You say.

In fact, you have no idea why Strider is even here in the first place. You called a meeting of leaders, not douchebags. Maybe since you were bringing Kanaya, he felt the need to back up John too? You’re thoughts are confirmed by his next statement.

“If you think I’m leaving John down here alone with you two, then you got another thing coming.”

“We aren’t your enemy,” Kanaya says, looking up from her lap. “We’re on the same team here. Working together is the only way that we can beat Jack Noir.”

“She’s right,” John nods to Kanaya, and addresses his human friend. “Come on, Dave. Go blow off some steam and I’ll meet up with you and the girls later, okay? I’m a big boy, I’ll be fine here.”

Strider looks ready to argue until the next Twelfth Perigee’s Eve, but a look from John causes whatever fight inside of him to be extinguished.

“Whatever.” The cool dude shrugs, standing up and pushing in his chair.

He leaves with a slam of the door, and then there were three. John is frowning, obviously dissatisfied with the amount of insubordination being displayed by his human companions. You can empathize with him. You can’t remember the last time one of your orders was followed without question. Just look at your _‘no interspecies relationships’_ rule for the Mlpuia Jive. No one listened to that one, not even _you_.

“Wow,” You say after a while. “This room seems a lot less hot without his big fucking head in here.”

“You know what?” John knits his eyebrows, fixing you with a stern glare. “Things would probably run a whole lot smoother around here if you two weren’t at each other’s throats all the damn time.”

“I agree,” Kanaya says. “All this bickering is really quite unproductive and rather immature.”

“Oh, put a sock in it, both of you. It’s just our dynamic.” You lean back in your chair, nodding towards the door and Dave’s general direction.

A sudden thought lights up John’s face like a dozen light bulbs.

“I see. So is this another quadrant? A kissmessette or something?” He wonders.

You gag on nothing.

“I belive you’re thinking of a kismesistude, John.” Kanaya corrects him.

“A- a Kismesistude?!” You cough and hit your chest with your palm, trying to fill your lungs with air again. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. In no way whatsoever do I hate Dave Fucking Strider _that_ much.”

“I dunno, Karkat. You both really seem to dislike each other.” John shrugs.

“Shut up.” You bitterly cross you arms, cutting this conversation short before it gets too serious.

In all seriousness though, it’s not like you haven’t considered the possibility. You mean, any person’s mind can drift every once and a while, but it would never… you could never… he… FUCK! YOU ARE TOTALLY NOT HAVING THESE THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW!

“It doesn’t matter anyways,” John is still talking. “He and Jade are an item now.”

Well that’s news to you.

“Really?” You ask, only mildly interested. “Since when?”

“Since last night, at the dance.” He points to his chest proudly. “ _I_ set them up together.”

“Well good for them.” Kanaya says happily.

Yeah, whoo hoo for the humans, now than can bump uglies together without involving any of your troll friends. A small part of you, the little part that sits next to your shriveled heart, makes you feel a little jealous for them. Not one, but two romantic prospects have been taken from you in one fell swoop. Well, maybe just Jade has been snatched up. You’d never consider Dave as a Kismesis. No… just. No.

“Alright, blah blah blah. All of this of this chitter chatter is wonderful and all, but contrary to popular belief, there actually _is_ a purpose for this meeting.” You try to set things in motion. “The next step is obviously to bust into Jack Noir’s castle on LOLAR and take back The Scratch.”

“And then we reset the game for real?” John asks and you nod in response. He continues. “Alright, but what happens next? After we reset the game, I mean.”

All eyes go to Kanaya. The question that’s been nagging at the back of your mind, as well as John’s, is hopefully about to be answered. What will happen to you after The Scratch is reactivated and actually finished? Will you cease to exist?

You wait for Kanaya to notice that her cue to speak has arrived.

“Oh,” She starts gently. “Um, well. You see there is actually very little information about what we’re supposed to do after we reset the game, since no one has ever done it before.”

“So basically, you have no idea.” You frown. That’s really disappointing. You were looking forward to getting some answers.

“I have a very _primitive_ idea.” She clarifies. “All the research that Rose and I collected before was left behind in our base after we were attacked by Dave’s Brother and everything there...”

“Everything there is completely destroyed.” John finishes with a groan.

“Yes,” Kanaya sits straighter in her chair, quick to placate John. “But that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. As I’ve just stated, I know the basics.”

“Okay well, spit it out. We’re wasting time here.” You command with your best ‘leader voice’.

“Very well,” She folds her hands delicately on the table and begins to speak. “After The Scratch has been completed and the game reset, it will be up to the players to choose their successors.”

 “You mean, Rose, Dave, Jade and I will have to pick new players?” John inquires.

“Yes, you’ll have to go to another universe or dimension, introduce the players to SBURB and escort them into the game.” As Kanaya talks, John only appears to get more and more confused. “In order to reach the alternate dimension though, you’ll need a Hero of Space to transport you there.”

“A Hero of Space?” John repeats. “Fuck, we don’t have one of those.”

“Not to worry,” Kanaya responds with a twinkle in her eye. “I was the Sylph of Space during our session. After the reset, your session will be nullified and my powers returned to me. Under the right conditions, I should be able to send one of you to the alternate dimension.”

“We can get another Hero of Space too.” You add after some thought. “Neither of the human girls have reached god tier yet. It’s possible that one of them might be fit the bill.”

“Okay so let me get everything straight.” John scratches at his chin, pondering for a moment. “We reset the game using The Scratch, our session is nullified, but we don’t like- get obliterated or anything, right?” Kanaya nods and John continues.

“So then you send one of us to a different universe to find new players, or maybe if we have two Heroes of Space then two people can be sent?” Another nod from Kanaya.

“Then we bring the new players into the game and then they win. We all rebuild our home worlds and then go home, and then… that’s it?”

“I believe so.” Kanaya proclaims with a grin. “By that point, the Black King will be killed and the game beaten. Those are the rules, at the very least.”

“Fuck me,” John cradles his head like he’s in pain. “I thought you said you had a _primitive_ idea on what to do, that those were the _basics_. That sounds like the most convoluted, unreasonable shit ever. Of all time.”

“Try not to think of the big picture too much,” You snark. “I know that your little human brain can’t handle more than one lucid thought at a time. Let’s just focus on the first step for now, AKA: retrieving The Scratch from Jack Noir.”

“Don’t you think it would be prudent for Rose and Jade to ascend to god tier before attempting such an assault?” Kanaya raises a good point.

If all of the beta kids are in the god tiers at the time of the assault, your chances of success are raised dramatically. Four powerful, near immortal beings beat two any day of the week. However, that raises another problem all together. How will you get the girls to their quest beds?

“Well Jade’s land is LOFAF and we’re right above that right now.” John says. “And Rose’s land is LOLAR. We’re heading that way anyway. Why not just stop by their quest beds along the way?”

“The only problem with that plan is that quest beds aren’t always so easy to find.” Kanaya indicates. “Their beds could be well hidden or heavily guarded. We have no idea what to expect without technical support.”

“Can’t you just alchemize another computer with viewfinder installed?”

“Do you know how long that would take?” You snap. “We don’t have time for all of that. Jack Noir could be destroying The Scratch, putting a stop to all of our plans, as we speak.”

“Not to mention, that he’s still holding Rose’s Mom and Jade’s Grandpa as prisoners.” John sighs. “We’ll have to save them too while we’re there.”

“All the more reason to post haste.” You dislike the idea of having two more old, filthy humans aboard this ship. However, if it lights a fire under these people’s asses, then saving them might just be worth it.

“Okay, well how about this.” John begins. “Why don’t we split up? Small groups will be faster and harder for Jack Noir to track. One group will go with Rose to LOLAR, another with Jade to LOFAF, and one more here, alchemizing another computer and giving tech support.”

You open your mouth, ready to blow about fifty holes in this flimsy plan with one piercing remark. Then you realize that John’s plan isn’t all that bad. Sure, splitting up the group again seems like a half brain dead idea, but he raises some good points. If speed really is a priority, then smaller groups are definitely the way to go.

“Hmmmm,” You pretend to consider John’s plan for a moment, while he sits there looking stupidly hopeful. “Alright, we’ll split up, but under a few conditions.”

“Name them.”

“One: The least amount of my friends being put in danger, the better. So one troll and two humans per team.” You count off your demands on your fingers. “Two: Strider and Terezi are _not_ on the same team. I don’t care if Jade is his main squeeze. That bastard can’t be trusted. Three: If anyone gets hurt, I’m holding _you_ personally responsible. And last but not least, Four: Absolutely _no_ asshole rumpus.”

John swallows hard. He may not be ready to take on challenge such as this, but you’re all tapped out on sympathy though. If he’s going to be a leader, then he has to accept responsibility sooner or later. You’ve taken more than you’re fair share of blame for things going to shit.

“I got it.” John responds after a while. “I promise that none of your friends are going to be put in unnecessary danger, Karkat.”

“Yeah,” You take a deep breath and recline in your chair again. “That’s one promise you better keep, John Human Egbert.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are, back in the main story and with a new (or is it old?) mission underway. All questions raised by this chapter will be answered in due time, although most of you can probably already figure out where I'm taking this thing. Thanks to everyone who is kudo-ing this story, it's really cool to see that people are reading.
> 
> Watch True Detective.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	23. ACT 3 - PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jeedies for commenting.  
> You wouldn't happen to be the same Jeedies that's on Tumblr, would you? If you are, then I love your art :3

=> Be John Egbert.

You are John Egbert. Which means you are in the middle of preparing to disembark on another dangerous, yet important mission.

Well, you don’t really know how dangerous this mission is going to be. It may turn out to be a walk in the park, a simple jot to a quest bed and back, before the real heavy stuff begins. Namely, the full on assault of Jack Noir’s castle on LOLAR.

Kanaya had been using the Alchemiter again, much to Karkat’s chagrin. With all the stuff everyone’s been making you’re now dangerously low on grist, with just enough to manufacture the computer you’ll need for tech support, and nothing else. You feel that another last expenditure of resources is well worth it though, a pair of knapsacks, just ready to be packed full of food and delicious, life saving water.

You’d gone for an extended period of time with nothing to drink in LOWAS besides liquor and we all know how that turned out. It’s better not to repeat history, learn from mistakes, and take a big ass bag of supplies this time around.

You zip up the backpack and sling it over your shoulder. Taking one last look around the boy’s room and seeing nothing but empty cots or anything else worth taking, you turn and head out the door. The golden ship is quiet once more, with everyone on board attending to one task or another. You pass the Alchemiter room, hearing the tell tale _click clack_ of metal as Equius works to create the computer.

As a skilled machinist, he’d been the obvious candidate for the job. You remember how he’d created a robot arm for Vriska, basically from scratch, in a matter of hours. A cold chill passes down your spine as you remember the horrible first encounter you had with your Matesprit after her surgery.

Had she really thought you wouldn’t be attracted to her anymore? Just because of a new robot limb and a missing eye? Sure, it was gross as fuck, but you’d never ping Vriska as a vain person and you’re not the type to overcapitalize physical appearance.

It was scary and strange and yet more proof that women, even alien women, are beyond all comprehension, at least to you. Dave seems to have a good grasp on the opposite gender and how to interact with them. Seriously, he’s been playing Terezi since entering the game, hooked up with Nepeta for the Jive, and now he’s dating your ecto sister. Face it, the dude has game.

You just hope Dave and Jade don’t break up somewhere along the line. That would literally ruin everything for your little group. Jade would hate Dave, you’d have to confront him by force of brotherly instincts, and Rose would probably take Jade’s side… or maybe Dave’s? You don’t know. It’s hard to tell whether or not Rose and Dave’s frequent bickering stems from sibling rivalry or honest dislike.

Probably the former, Dave’s reaction to his ecto-sister’s near death was more than enough proof to you about how he _really_ felt about her. Anyways, Jade and Dave breaking up is probably the worst thing you can imagine happening to your group at the moment. You’d rather they stayed together for the rest of eternity, happily married over everything else.

Huh, looks like Karkat’s shitty shipping grid is coming true before your very eyes. You wonder how much the troll will gloat now that his prediction is proven to be fifty percent correct. Probably a lot.

You jog up the steps and onto the deck of the airship. Terezi is having too much fun, twirling the steering wheel between her nimble fingers. You wonder whose idea it was to put _her_ behind the wheel. Karkat, Kanaya, Aradia, and Nepeta are standing near the front with Rose, Dave, and Jade. You start towards them.

“And last but not least, Four: absolutely _no_ asshole rumpus.” Karkat is saying, brandishing four fingers in your friends faces.

“Sir, yes sir!” Jade salutes with a giggle.

She’s currently wrapped around Dave’s arm like a bespectacled, bushy haired sleeve. It’s obvious that the pair of them are currently caught in the new relationship zone known as _‘unable to keep their hands to themselves’_. As happy as you are for them, you really don’t want to worry about walking into some R-Rated scene whenever you open a closed door.

“I’m being serious here, Jade.” Karkat continues as you step up next to Rose. “You humans have fucked up enough already, without screwing this trip as well. If we’re doing this, then we’re doing this the _right_ way. AKA: _my_ way.”

“You give yourself too much credit, man.” Dave drawls. “When’s the last time one of your plans didn’t go to absolute shit?”

“Gee, Strider. I don’t know. How about the one where we SWOOPED IN AND SAVED YOUR SORRY ASS ON LOHAC WHEN YOU WERE BUSY LOSING THE SCRATCH!!!” Karkat roars, causing everyone except Dave to wince slightly.

Dave looks ready to return fire with a razor sharp, irony dripping, scathing jab. You feel that little bubble of leadership in your chest start to swell and you act.

“Alright, alright. That’s enough from you two.” You take one stride, putting yourself between them. One cross look at Dave is enough to silence him. You look to Kanaya, something you’ve found yourself doing more and more as of late. “Are we all set to go?”

“Yes.” She responds. “We’re currently positioned above LOFAF, in a good position to drop off the landing party. After they’ve disembarked, we’ll continue to the LOLAR border and drop off the second team. Then we’ll double back for team one, move forward to collect team two, and finally begin our assault on Jack Noir’s castle.”

You make mental note of the plan in your head, doing your best to draw a map based off of her words. Meanwhile, Jade is speaking again.

“Okay, so who all is coming with me?” She asks, looking around the assembled group.

“Me, of course.” Dave says pulling her closer by the hip. “I’m a master ninja/time traveler/your goddamn boyfriend.”

“Haha. Alright, that’s fine by me!” Jade grins.

“You’ll be taking Aradia too.” Karkat speaks up, nodding towards the aforementioned female troll. “She’ll be keeping an eye on you and reporting any ass…”

“Asshole rumpus,” Dave finishes with an exasperated sigh. “We get it, Karkles. You like to say that a lot, maybe a little too much. Now can we move this along, I think my ears are about to be _bored_ off my head, completely ruining my ability to hear anymore of your ridiculous instructions.” He pauses and pretends to think. “You know what? On second, thought why don’t you keep talking?”

Karkat grits his teeth.

“Just get off this ship.” He growls, before stalking away towards the stairs.

Everyone looks to Dave, who takes a moment to realize that he’s now the subject of six glares.

“What?” He asks all of you. “Oh come on. It’s not my fault that he’s about as sensitive as a third degree burn.”

“You shouldn’t goad him on like that though, babe.” Jade says with a frown. “It isn’t nice.”

“In fact,” You chime in, crossing your arms. “I’m putting a stop to it. This nonsensical rivalry is coming to an end, right now.”

Dave doesn’t respond. He just nods, shuffles his feet slightly, and adjusts his tie. He’s still dressed in his ridiculous red suit from the night before. Having lost his sweet God Tier hood and cape, he’d deemed that wearing the remaining pieces of his ensemble was a little pointless. So until some new clothes get made, he’s wearing the suit.

You’re similarly left without your awesome God Tier duds. Kanaya had denied returning your outfit, saying it was too filthy and that without proper cleaning materials it would probably be a while before it was fit to be worn again. You’re inclined to disagree. Sure, the hood and shirt are a mosaic of blue fabric, red blood, black oil, and Rose’s vomit, but it’s still probably hella comfortable.

Right now though, you’re dressed in your attire from the Jive as well. Minus the jacket and tie though, because fuck that noise. Everyone else has changed, either back into their original clothes or some mishmash of other stuff. Rose in particular has donned a new skirt/sweater combo that you’ve never seen before.

Apparently Kanaya saw it fit to make a special exception when it came to resource management. You’ll give her a pass on that though. A new outfit is probably her way of making it up to Rose for her lack of vigilance.

“Well, I’m ready when you are.” Aradia speaks up, addressing her travel companions.

“Alright then, let’s go.” Dave leads the group over to the edge of the ship, where a rope ladder has been moored. Aradia immediately climbs over and disappears out of sight. Before following, Dave stops and turns to you. “You’re right about Karkat. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, man.” You say. “Just be… cool.”

He smirks at you.

“I think I can manage that.” He turns to Rose next. “You’ll take care of yourself and John too.”

“Of course.” Is her response. “We’ll see you soon.”

Dave nods and disappears as well, Jade grabs both you and Rose around the neck, squeezing you in a fierce hug.

“It feels like we all just got together. Now we’re breaking up again.” She pulls back slightly so that she can look at both of you. “Just promise that you’re not going to be blowing up any suns while we’re gone, okay?”

“Yeah, I think those days are behind us.” You answer, ruffling her hair affectionately. “I’m not ruling out Moons though, who knows what can happen if we get bored?”

Jade chuckles and releases you to put both hands on each of Rose’s shoulders.

“And you,” She says. “You stay off that drink, got it?”

Rose blinks at her for a moment, apparently taken aback by Jade’s sudden serious tone and glare.

“I… I believe that I shall. Consider my lesson learned.” Then Rose leans forward and wraps your ecto-sister in a hug. “Try not to lose any more body parts.”

“Oh most definitely.” Jade laughs, wriggling the nubs on her left hand and causing your insides to squirm. “Take care.” She waves to Kanaya and Nepeta and then disappears down the ladder.

For some reason, watching your friends leave again make you feel pretty sad. Well, obviously you don’t want them to leave, but it’s more than that. The next time you see Jade, she’ll be… something else, something more. She’d have died and come back, and you suppose that you’re just sad to be missing it.

No that’s a fucked up thing to say. You aren’t jealous to be missing out. You’re more like just upset at how many things are changing so fast. Jade’s always just been Jade, but not anymore. That’s probably what makes you say what you say next.

“I’m glad that you’re still here, Rose.”

She turns to you, having not moved from your side after Jade and Dave’s departure. She’s wearing all that dark make up again, which, if you’re being honest, you’re kind of glad to see again. Don’t get yourself wrong, she looked great without it, but she just wasn’t the same.

Her painted lips twist in a small smile.

“If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be.” She responds. “I belive I owe you a fruit basket at some point in the future.”

You chuckle and the pair of you stare out over the swirling, frosty clouds for a while. It really is pretty over LOFAF, compared to LOHAC at least, with its smoky clouds and dark skies. If you had to choose though, you’d say that you’ve always liked LOLAR the best. The golden clouds, the rainbow falls, and just the whole ambiance of the place appeals to you.

“I’m allergic to pineapple, just giving you a heads up.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” The pair of you are currently alone, as Kanaya and Nepeta are busily discussing something a few yards away. Rose turns to look up at you. “Just out of pure curiosity, what were you doing up here last night? Everyone else was asleep.”

“I was cleaning up.” You gesture vaguely towards the center of the deck where the table had once been. “The gift that I gave Karkat was kind of shitty, so I told him that I would break down the table and stuff to make it up to him.”

“Your gift wasn’t shitty, John.” She responds, seriously

“Haha. I appreciate that, Rose.” You laugh. “But honestly, that card was a Grade A piece of garbage.”

“It had sentimental value. In a time where Karkat’s friends are dwindling at an alarming rate, he should feel nothing but gratitude for a gift such as yours, hand-made, sincere, and heartfelt.” A crease forms between her eyebrows. “He is most definitely a stuck up bastard if he considers your efforts to be worthless. No wonder Dave hates him so much.”

“Oh, please don’t tell me you’re going to start something with Karkat too.”

“No. Unlike Dave I understand that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Despite Karkat’s irrational attitude and behavior, we have mutual interests and a common enemy. Also both you and Kanaya hold him in high esteem, for whatever reason, and that’s enough for me.”

“Then I’m glad that’s settled.” You nod and rub the back of your neck absentmindedly, working up the courage to speak. “So are you and Kanaya… like, you know?”

“Hmmmm?”

“You know what I mean. Are you two, like, I don’t know… together?”

You dodge Rose’s next glance, pretending to be passionately interested in a passing cloud that vaguely resembles a spider… or is it a squid? Rose doesn’t speak for a moment. Instead she examines your profile and causes a slight heat to rise in your cheeks.

“Would you be… opposed to the idea?” She eventually asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Would you be against it? Kanaya and I being together.” She clarifies.

“What?” You ask again even though you know exactly what she’s talking about. “No. It’s none of my business. You two can do whatever you want. I have no say on the matter.”

You realize fully just how quickly and nonsensically you’re rambling, but you can’t seem to bring yourself to stop.

“Oh. I was merely asking since, as our leader, it’s possible that you might not be in favor of potential relationships between species.”

“That’s not my place.” You shrug. “And anyways, just look at me and Vriska. I would look like a total hypocrite if I said you couldn’t date Kanaya.”

“Well…” A light blush dusts Rose’s cheeks. “You see, I never said that Kanaya and I might actually develop into Matesprits. It’s just… a contingency brought up by your own queries.”

“I guess I did ask, right?

“You did.”

“Yeah,” You no longer want to discuss this. “Well, now you know that I wholeheartedly support any relationship that you want to start with Kanaya. In fact, I _want_ you to get with her.”

“Really?” Her face dons an expression that you have trouble identifying.

“Of course.” You shrug again, almost forcefully. “Whatever.”

“Well in that case, then…”

Rose is cut off by the sudden appearance of Nepeta and Kanaya, apparently finished with whatever discussion they were having.

“We’ll be arriving at the LOLAR border in a few minutes.” Kanaya says. As much as you like the female troll, a tiny part of you, the part next to your swollen little heart, wishes that she wasn’t here. “Are you ready to depart?”

“Yes,” Rose responds with a smile. “Will you be accompanying us as part of the landing party?”

No. Please, no.

“No, I’m afraid not. Karkat wants me up here to provide tech support. After Equius finishes the computer of course.”

Whew. That was close.

“I can join the landing purty!” Nepeta sings, bouncing up to your side.

Oh, fuck no. Please, God no.

“Uhhhhhhh…” You lose yourself in Nepeta’s enormous eyes, trying to think of some reason to prevent her from coming.

“Actually I was thinking that Equius should have completed the computer by the time we arrive at the border.” Kanaya interjects. “He should be able to accompany you down to LOLAR.”

Despite whatever stupid and most likely one-sided rivalry that you feel for Kanaya, she’s had your back more times than you can count. You make a resolution to stomp down whatever negative feelings you harbor for the pretty troll. She’s smart, classy, and undeniably cool. When shit hits the fan, you’ll want her on your team.

“Alright,” You say. “Nepeta, go check if Equius is done with computer yet. Me, him, and Rose will go down to LOLAR when we get there.”

The crazy fucking cat girl’s face falls into a ridiculously cute pout. You feel like a massive dick for denying her, but then again, having beefy Equius by your side smothers whatever insecurity you were feeling about this little trip.

“Fine, whatevfur.” Nepeta scampers off to find her Morial, leaving you alone with Kanaya and Rose.

“Do you have a moment, Kanaya?” Rose addresses the troll.

“Oh,” Kanaya responds, as if she hadn’t noticed Rose standing right next to her. “I… yes, of course.”

The pair of them walk away from you, towards the far end of the ship, most likely to talk about what a great couple they would be. You step up to the railing and lean on your elbows. You’d barely slept the past few days. The first night on the ship, you weren’t able to sleep for worrying about the Jive and then night you watched Rose commit almost commit suicide. You are exhausted. Sleep isn’t an option though. Like Kanaya said, you’ll be arriving at your destination soon.

The cloud you were staring at earlier is still drifting overhead.

“A spider.” You decide, scrutinizing it. “Definitely a spider.”

* * *

=> Be Terezi Pyrope.

You are now Terezi Pyrope.

You watch from afar as The Windy Friendleader, The Drunken Sorceress, and The Robo-Lovin Beefcake, descend down the rope ladder to LOLAR. With all of the humans and a couple of your troll buddies gone on their new side-mission, you, Karkat, Nepeta, and Kanaya are the only ones left aboard the golden ship.

You would have liked to accompany Dave and the Jade Human to LOFAF, not only to see if the rumors of their new relationship were true, but to just stretch your legs for a while. It feels as if you’ve been cooped up on this ship for ages, when in all actuality it’s only been a couple of days.

If the cool kid and Jade really are together, then you guess that another potential relationship has slipped from your grasp. Oh well, Dave was a blast to flirt with while you could, but you’d always sort of had this feeling that he was flushed for that dorky looking human girl. If he finally got her, then good for him.

“Besides,” You mutter to yourself as you watch Karkat come up the stairs and onto the deck. “There are plenty of grubs in the sauce. Hehe.”

“Terezi,” Karkat stalks over to you. “Have they left yet?”

“Who? Egbert and Rose?” You ask and he nods. “Yeah, they left with Equius a few seconds ago.”

“Alright, then set a course back for LOFAF and then meet me below deck. ASAP!” Without waiting for you to respond, he turns on his heel and darts away, back into the ship.

With a shrug, you do as you’re told and steer the ship so that it’s facing back the way you once came. If you ask yourself, all this backtracking seems a little redundant. There should be a better way of moving about the lands than all of this flying and steering and sailing. You make a reminder to bother Karkat about it later.

You descend the steps, wondering what Karkat would want to talk to you about. It has to be something private or else he would have discussed it with you on deck. This is obviously something that he wants to keep away from prying ears.

You know what you _hope_ it is. Sloppy Make outs have always been rare with Karkles, especially as of late, but then again he’s surprised you before. The dance that the pair of you shared at the Jive was fun, a little blurry in your memory, but still fun. He certainly didn’t appear to have any objection to it. Maybe the dance rekindled whatever flushed embers that he had for you? Maybe you’re about to get lucky?

You turn down a corridor, heading towards the boy’s bunk room. Karkat didn’t give you exact directions on where to go, so you’ll just look there first.

“Pssst.” A voice hisses from you left, bring you to a stop halfway down the hall. “PSSSSST!”

You pretend not to hear it.

“MOTHERFUCKING PSSSSSSSSSST!!!!”

The door to the supply closet Karkat hid himself in opens with a single push. You slid inside and your signature, shit eating grin is plastered on your face before the door is even closed fully.

“Howdy, Nubs.” You chuckle. “Nice place you got here. Hehe.”

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” He demands.

“Nice place you got here. Hehe.”

“No, before that.”

“Nubs?”

“No! What the fuck is ‘ _Howdy’_?”

You cackle loudly within the confined space.

“It means _‘Hi’_. Humans say it.” Or at least Dave does, but you don’t want to bring him up since uttering his name might kill whatever mood Karkat might have at the moment.

“Well it sounds stupid. Don’t ever say that to me again.”

“Aye, aye. _Sir._ ” You roll your eyes and toss your arms around his neck before he can speak again. “Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, let’s get down to business, shall we?”

“WHAT THE FUCK!” He leans back as you lean forward. “Terezi, stop! This isn’t… You don’t… FUCKING STOP IT!”

You’re tongue snaps back into your mouth like one of those retraceable tape measures. Such a shame, you were _inches_ away from tasting that delicious red blush of his.

“What is it?” You cock your head to the side. “What’s wrong?”

He knocks your arms off of his neck and away from him. Your limbs flop down to your sides, deflated much like your spirit.

“That is in no way the reason that I wanted to talk to you.” He growls lowly, only succeeding in spiking up your heart rate further. Dammit, he knows you like it when he growls like that. “There’s serious business to discuss.”

“Fuhhhhhhh.” You groan. “It’s always serious business with you! Don’t you ever just have fun?”

“What do you call last night? We had a fucking rumpus palooza! Or did you already forget the Mlpuia Jive?!”

“Yeah, that was fun and all, but I’m talking about real _fun_ , like…” You snake your arms up his shoulders again. “Like _our_ kind of fun.”

He shivers and presses himself further into the wall, as if creating more distance between the two of you could ease the attraction currently filling the air like a pungent perfume.

“Terezi…” He grabs your hands, halting your movements once more. “Now is _not_ the time for this. Gamzee’s killer is still here somewhere and right now you’re going to help me find them.”

Well then, he sure knows how to kill the mood.

“Why do you even care, Karkat?” You ask. “He killed Kanaya and he was going to kill Equius. I’m sorry that your friend is dead, but really, he got what was coming to him. Besides, this is such old news. So much better-quality shit has happened since Gamzee died, that it really doesn’t feel that important anymore.”

“It’s important to me dammit!” He steps forward, closer to you. “Someone took matters into their own hands. They killed someone that _I_ care about and that doesn’t fly, not now, not ever. He didn’t mean to do what he did. There were… chemical imbalances in his head and stuff. It was in his genes.”

“Whether or not he was a Bezerker. The sight of blood shouldn’t have enraged him that much.  Gamzee wasn’t never right in the head. You know that.”

“It may not have been just the blood…” Karkat admits. “I think that maybe he and Tavros were… close, you know?”

“Like, _close_ close?” That’s news to you.

“I don’t know, maybe? They were hanging out a lot before then.”

“Hmmm.” You hum thoughtfully, trying to remember. “I always thought that Tavros had a thing for Vriska.”

“No. She was always such a bitch to him.”

You laugh.

“Vriska was a bitch to _everyone_ , Karkat.”

“Except John.” He points out.

“Yeah. Except John.”

This new information, raised by Karkat, is quite interesting. Maybe this case is actually starting to play out for you and make sense. Gamzee, driven into a rage by the death of his close friend, goes on an attempted murder spree, actually killing Kanaya. Then someone, out of unjust vengeance, murders him in his sleep. The vigilante requires penance of their own.

They deserve to be brought to justice.

“Alright,” You say, cracking your fingers like a badass. “I’ll head an investigation into the identity of Gamzee’s killer. For a price of course. Hehe.”

“Ugh.” Karkat presses his palm to his forehead, either nursing a headache or checking for a fever. “What do you want?”

You lean in quickly and peck him on the lips.

“That.” You grin at him, as he splutters angrily and wipes at his lips. “Now, down to business: Aradia, prime suspect number one, is currently on LOFAF. We’ll have to question her later.”

“I sent her away because I already accused her once.” Karkat explains, wiping his tongue on his sweater even though you’d only kissed him for about half a second. Seriously, here you were thinking that Eridan was a drama queen. “I don’t want it to look like I’m singling her out.”

“She’s still on the list though.” You nod. “Anyways, as I was saying: Equius is also gone, although he was supposedly unconscious during the time of the murder. A solid cover if there ever was one.”

“I was always going to send him out with the humans too, since he’s the least likely suspect. John requested him though before I got the chance. So all’s well that ends well, I guess.”

“That’s great, but can I fucking finish talking please?” You glare harshly at him or at least you hope that you are. Being blind sort of ruins the effectiveness of a good glare. “Anyways, before I was interrupted for the second time, I was saying that: Kanaya is next. She was actually killed by Gamzee. That’s what we in the business call a _‘motivation’_. Finally there’s Nepeta, who was supposed to be watching unconscious Equius. No one can vouch for her whereabouts though, so she’s a suspect too.”

“I know all of this!” He cries. “I thought you were going to be helpful.”

“Relax, Karkles.” You placate. “I’m just getting my thoughts in order. Now, I suggest that we tackle Nepeta first. She’s head over tail for you, buddy, you know what that means, right?”

“No and I don’t care…”

“It means that she’ll answer whatever questions you have for her, no problem.”

“Fine.” Karkat doesn’t look to happy about having to talk to Nepeta for any reason, even one such as this. “Let’s just get this over with then and what did I say about calling me ‘ _Karkles’_.”

You don’t respond, but give another breathy cackle and open the door, stepping back out in the hallway. Last time you checked, your former role play buddy was on the deck enjoying the cool LOFAF breezes. You and Karkat start heading that way.

“You know that I’m a suspect too, right?” You remind him. “I’m just as likely to be the killer as any of these people.”

“Yeah, well you were outside with me burying corpses when he died.” He says, and then adds after a moment: “And, well… I trust you, Terezi.”

Your step falters, but you recover quickly, making up for it by adjusting your grip on your walking cane. He doesn’t seem to have noticed your misstep, since he’s already halfway up the stairs to the deck. Another grin twists your lips. You’re forever grinning around Karkat, partially because he’s fun to poke at, but also because you’ve always considered him to one of the few people in the universe that you actually appreciate.

And as it turns out, he feels the same.

You follow him up the steps, feeling lighter than you’ve felt in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who killed Gamzee? Pshh, I don't know. We'll find out soon though. 
> 
> For those who comment: Who's your patron troll?  
> I was born on October Sixteenth or 10/16.  
> 1+1+0+6=8  
> 8=Vriska. So my patron troll is Vriska.  
> HELL FUCKING YES. (note: I may be calculating this wrong, although I hope not)
> 
> This is now the longest JohnRose fic on this website. That's nice, right?
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	24. ACT 3 - PART 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jeedies for commenting.

=> Be Jade Harley

You are Jade Harley. I hope you brought your coats, because it’s cold as dicks out here! Again!

You’re lucky enough to be snugly wrapped up in your winter coat, which you’ve somehow managed to keep with you throughout your adventure. Paired with your earmuffs, you’re more than ready to brave the harsh chill of the LOFAF wind and snow.

Now if only you also still had your rifle, or any rifle for that matter. Bro sliced your Grandpa’s to pieces and you just flat out left the harpoon gun behind when The Scratch was stolen by Jack Noir. For all you know, that blue thunder bazooka probably fell to its fiery death in LOHAC’s lava ocean.

“Such a shame.” You mutter.

“What was that?” Dave asks from your left.

He’s wearing his red suit still and despite it’s fashionable appearance, it doesn’t look very warm. If he’s suffering from the chill though, he keeps it to himself. You, Dave, Aradia have just landed in LOFAF not but a few minutes ago. The plan is to wait until the computer is up and running so that Kanaya can give you a location for your Quest Bed.

“Oh nothing.” You respond to Dave and kick at a nearby snow drift woefully. “Just wishing I had a gun.”

Dave nods. He can empathize with you, having lost his own weapon, a sweet medieval blade, as well.

“You don’t have a weapon?” Aradia is standing on a nearby rock, scouting the area. She looks to you now though. “Why didn’t you say anything before we left?”

“I didn’t think we had the time or grist to alchemize anything.” You shrug. “Besides, I don’t think we’ll bump into anything too dangerous, will we?”

“It’s hard to tell.” Aradia scans the horizon again, or at least what she can see of it. All this falling snow doesn’t make for good visibility. “Kanaya did say that your quest bed might be guarded.”

“John’s wasn’t.” Dave points out. “His bed was just chilling out on a damn hill apparently, waiting for him to stumble along and bash his head open on it.”

Aradia responds with something but you don’t hear it. You’ve just tuned both of your travel companions out as a sudden thought blows through you like a Shotgun shell full of buckshot.

Dave just mentioned a hill. Your house was on a hill. Your house is in LOFAF. There are hella guns in your house!

“Guys!” You excitedly butt back into whatever discussion they were having. “I have an idea!”

The trek back to your house is a relatively short one. Having spent the early hours of the game searching for frogs to breed, you’re reasonably familiar with the immediate area around your domicile. A left at a crooked tree there, a right at a lumpy boulder here, and soon you’re following a rough path towards the home you used to share with your Grandpa.

A warm wave of melancholy washes over you as you navigate the snowy landscape. You’ve never trotted around your home land like this without Bec by your side. He had usually swathed a path for you through the snowy blanket, making it easier for you to walk. He really had been a good dog, a true third of your family.

Another third, your aforementioned Grandpa, is still being held prisoner by Jack Noir, currently one-handed and probably confused out of his fucking mind. You don’t blame him, without the trolls here to explain most things to you, you’d probably be completely lost as well.

You pray that he’s still alive. John had explained to you that Jack Noir only cut off your Grandpa’s hand to fuck with you, and you believe him. Still though, your old man was never exactly young in your eyes and an injury like that certainly won’t ease the speed at which he’s progressing through life. You’ve already lost so much to this game…

“Hey, Harley!” Dave calls your name. You look towards him and see that he’s pointing towards your house. “Welcome home, babe.”

You smile and follow him up the hill, staring at his wispy blonde hair as it’s tossed about in the breeze. Yeah, you’ve lost a lot, but you’ve also gained quite a bit too.

“Fucking hell.” You grumble, seeing that the front door is hanging off the hinges. “Just when I was starting to cheer up. Someone goes and pulls a ‘B and E’ on my house.”

“A _‘Bee and Eee’_?” Aradia repeats.

“Breaking and Entering.” You define, and then address Dave. “What do you think, imps?”

He crouches down next to the door, peeking over the snow soaked threshold and into the darkness of the house.

“Probably, I don’t think the consorts would pull something like this.” He says. “Unless your land is full of little, angst-filled iguana delinquents, rebelling against their iguana parents by performing misdemeanors and smoking iguana dope behind the iguana school.”

You wonder if iguana dope is any better than regular, human dope.

 “What are parents?” Aradia asks.

“Holy shit. That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

You ignore both of them and cautiously enter the house. The entryway, left unprotected by the door, is predictably covered with frost and melted snow, otherwise known as water. The carpet _squelches_ grossly under your boots and your breath blows from your lips in icy clouds.

Dave shuts the door after all of you have entered the house, silencing the wind and casting your group into darkness.

“Hashtag spooky.” He declares, examining the foyer.

“Well in its defense, I have sort of been away for a while.” You cross over to the light switch fixed into the wall. With a swift flick, the lights fail to illuminate diddly-squat. “Generators out. I’ll have to get it running again.”

“Let me guess. It’s in the basement?”

“Bingo!”

“Wonderful, I was just wondering if this could get anymore cliché and scary.” Dave shivers for the first time.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re a big pansy.” You tease, poking him in the stomach.

“Naw. I’m just saying what everyone is thinking.” He defends himself and pokes you back.

“Stop, that tickles.” You snigger, slapping at him.

“Hey, I know that you guys are a couple now, so you feel obligated to waste time on bullshit like this, but I’d actually _like_ to get some shit done before we all freeze to death in here.” Aradia rubs at her arms, sounding a little annoyed.

“Sorry.” You respond sheepishly, and then lead the way towards a door set under the stairs, which will in turn lead to the basement.

“Don’t sweat it, Aradia.” Dave says from somewhere behind you. “You’ll find that special someone for you one of these…”

“Shut up, Strider.” She cuts him off sharply.

Well now, isn’t someone full of vinegar?

Standing at the top of the stairs, you turn back to Aradia.

“You should probably go first, right? In case there’s… you know, something waiting for us.” You like to think that whoever busted in your house has already absconded. You can never be too sure though.

Aradia nods in agreement and rather violently pushes past Dave to lead the charge into the basement. Her hand goes to her waist, unfurling a bullwhip from somewhere within that awesome satchel of hers. You’re kind of hoping that there’s an imp waiting for you below, just so you can see her use that thing.

The steps don’t make a single sound as you descend. One of the many chores bestowed upon you by your Grandpa was oiling every nut and bolt in this whole damn house, preventing rust and ensuring the longevity of your appliances.

_“Pay attention, pumpkin.”_ Your Grandpa had once said, lifting up a can and leaking a dribble of oil onto a door hinge. _“Just a few drops and… Jade.”_

_“What?”_ You remember swinging your head back around to face him. You’d been looking out the window, watching the sun set.

_“I told you to pay attention.”_

_“I know, Papa. I was just…”_

_“Just what?”_

_“Can’t I learn about this later? I want to go play.”_

His face, weather with age and adventure, hardened slightly.

_“I’m not always going to be here to teach you this stuff, Jade. One day you’re going to have to do without me. Do you want to look back and wish that you’d paid more attention to your old man when he was alive?”_

_“No! It’s just that… well, it’s perfect full moon out tonight!”_ You’re second favorite book was an almanac. _“I want to go see the moon!”_

_“The moon will always be there.”_

The moon will always be there… An obvious statement that had proven to be somewhat incorrect. The moon you’re used to probably blew up along with earth. Thinking back, wanting to see the full moon was probably a shitty excuse to get out of doing chores. You were young though, so you’ll give yourself a pass on that one.

You forget the rest of that particular encounter. All you know is that it was probably _intense_. Your encounters with your Grandpa usually are.

God, you hope that he isn’t dead.

Back in the present, Aradia leaps lightly from the bottom step, landing cat-like on the stone floor. Over her shoulder, you squint into the darkness and wait for your eyes to adjust. No sooner have vague shapes begin to form from the blackness, when a loud _crack_ cut through the silence.

Behind you, Dave flinches violently and you gasp. Aradia cries out triumphantly, whip raised in victory, and stoops down over the still form of a… rat.

“Got him.” She says, dangling the rodent proudly in front of your face. “Little bastard never knew what hit him.”

“Ew.” You lightly bat the rat out of the way. “Impressive, but… Ew.”

With the basement now secured, you get to work locating the generator, not an easy task in a pitch dark room. Eventually you give a muffled shriek of agony as your shins slam into it.

“You alright?!” Dave calls from his position on the stairs.

“Yeah!” You respond with watery eyes. “Like a million fucking bucks!”

You find that one of the hoses has been disconnected. You reattached it, make sure that the gas tank is moderately full, and pull on the rip cord a total of four times, before the generator growls with life. The light bulb in the ceiling blinks on and you gasp once more.

Everything in the basement has been stripped bare. Tool boxes, storage crates, food stores, all of it ransacked and gone.

“Damn!” You turn and push past your companions, dashing back up the stairs. “No. No. No!”

The main foyer, now fully illuminated is equally bare. The afghan rug from Afghanistan is gone. The volute krater vase from Greece is gone. The Lee Reynolds painting from Los Angeles is gone. It’s all gone, everything is gone, everything your Grandpa worked so hard to collect. Gone. Gone. Gone!

“WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!” You shriek and kick at the carpet as hard as you can, spraying water onto the wall.

“What?! What’s wrong?!” Dave comes barging up the stairs with Aradia on his heels.

“THEY TOOK EVERYTHING, DAVE! THOSE THIEVING BASTARDS!” You yell. “Everything that was mine! They fucking took it! Why the hell did they take the Lee Reynolds?!” You point to the vacant square on the wall. “That shit isn’t even valuable!”

“Babe, calm down.”

“NO!” You turn and dash towards the door, throwing it open once more and stepping out into the snow.  “CAN YOU HEAR ME, YOU FUCKASSES?!? YOU BETTER HOPE THAT I NEVER CATCH YOU, OR ELSE I’LL...”

You’re cut off when Dave grabs you around the waist and carries you, kicking and screaming, back into the house.

“Cut it out! Jesus Christ!” He sets you back on your feet. “Harley, what does it matter? All this stuff is pointless anyways now that the world is fucking toast.”

 “It’s not pointless! It’s exactly the opposite!” You shove away from him. “All this stuff,” You gesture around the empty house. “Is _irreplaceable_ now. Do you get that?! My Grandpa is going to be _sooo_ pissed that I lost _everything._ ”

Suddenly, as if a switch is flicked, tears and snot and everything is just pouring out of your face like it’s some bloated sponge. You clench your fists and bury them in your eyes, angry and disappointed and overwhelmed truthfully with everything that’s happened, and everything that you’re expected to do. Dave’s bony arms snake around you and you press yourself into his chest, hoping to burrow through that ridiculous suit and hide under his rib cage.

“Stupid, thieving fucks.” You sob into his chest. “Whoever did this is gonna pay. Big time. I’m going to make sure of that.”

“Yeah,” Dave rocks you and pets your mess of dark hair. “I know.”

One day, years in the future, when you finally confront the one responsible for the theft, you’ll regret those words. You’ll regret them so very much.

But that’s a story we’ll get to eventually. (wonk. I mean, wink*)

After a few minutes, Aradia gets fed up with all the hugging and crying, but by then you’re pretty much all dried and cried out anyways.

“Um, Jade.” She says, for the first time looking unsure. You don’t blame her. All these emotions running wild are a little confusing for you too. “I’m sorry, but we _did_ come here for a reason. Are you saying that all these weapons you mentioned are gone too?”

You pull back from Dave and drag your nose across your sleeve. Gross, but you’re too busy still fuming quietly to care.

“I don’t know, probably.” You sniff and sigh. “Let’s go find out.”

You lead the way, somewhat halfheartedly, up the stairs and into the armory. Sure enough, everything not bolted to the floor has been stolen. You bite down the lump that forms in your throat.

“They took the Eighteen Ninety- Two Experimental Trapdoor Springfield.” You mutter through gritted teeth.

“If you keep announcing all the stuff that’s been stolen whenever you enter a new room, you’re going to end up with a sore throat.” Dave says, scanning the racks upon racks of empty air. He nods towards a large cabinet against the wall. “What’s in there?”

“Probably the only shit they couldn’t have taken.” You cross to the gun closet and quickly key in the combination.  The door swings open. “Oh… Hell Fucking Yes…”

You reach into the cabinet.

“What have you got?” Dave tries to peek over your shoulder. “What is that?”

“This…” You pull out the rifle. Heavy, black, dangerous, and sexy, this gun is probably the only thing in the world at the moment that could put a smile on your face. “This is a girl’s best friend.”

“Any swords in there?” Dave ‘one track mind’ Strider asks.

“Yeah, but be careful though. Most of them are artifacts.” You turn away from the cabinet, allowing your boyfriend to dive in headfirst. You find Aradia leaning against the wall. “You wanna grab something? I wouldn’t mind if you used one.”

You nod your head towards the cabinet in invitation, but Aradia just shakes her head.

“No thanks, Jade. I’m more than happy with what I’ve got.” She pats her satchel fondly and you shrug before examining your new rifle once more. God, this thing is so sweet. Eventually, Aradia speaks again. “What’s so special about that one? Is it powerful?”

She’s indicating the rifle that is currently being cradled in your arms like a newborn child.

“Well, not really.” You explain as Dave rattles quite loudly behind you, trying to free one of the swords your Grandpa stashed away. “My Grandfather built this from scratch when I was really little. He never let me use it though. Anyways, it’s got some solid stopping power, although it’s no lightening gun.”

“Lightening gun?”

“Oh yeah. When me and Dave were at your guy’s old base, he found this weird, blue harpoon gun in one of the rooms. It shot lightening. Pretty cool, huh?”

“I think you’re talking about Ahab's Crosshairs.” Aradia says. “One of Eridan’s personal creations. He must have left it behind when he defected to Jack Noir’s evil team.”

“You think it was the same gun?”

“Well how many blue, electricity firing, harpoon guns can there be, Jade?”

A sharp _crack_ cuts you off before you can even speak. Both you and Aradia turn to find Dave standing awkwardly in front of the gun cabinet, dumbly holding half of a sword.

“Dave, what the fuck!” You shout. “That was The Legendary Blade of Caledfwlch!”

“More like The Legendary Piece of Shit.” He responds, throwing the ruined blade onto the ground and disappearing back into the cabinet. “What kind of sword just breaks like that?”

“The wrong one, obviously! Try not to break anymore irreplaceable relics, asshole!” You ear muffs beep then, causing you to jump. What is it with random noise surprising you? Why can’t everyone just leave you alone? You reach up and tap a finger to one of your ear muffs. “Go for Jade.”

“It’s Kanaya.” Responds a voice of the smoothest silk. “I have a location for your quest bed, but you aren’t going to like it.”

* * *

=> Be Terezi Pyrope.

You are now Terezi Pyrope. You and Karkat step out into the sunlight and instantly locate Nepeta near the rear of the ship. It’s time for you to do what you do best. It’s time for you to be the law!

“Freeze kitty cat!” You shout, pulling out a finger gun and leveling it at Nepeta’s chest.

She gives a small squeak when she finds herself threatened, and throws her paws in the air.

“The Mighty Huntress has been caught by surrrprise.” Nepeta grimaces. “She feigns defeat and waits for the purfect time to counter-attack!”

“GC is not about to let the Mighty Huntress escape.” You pretend to fire you gun. “She puts a slug right into the Huntresses’ heart.”

“The Mighty Huntress falls!” Nepeta collapses in a fit of giggles on the deck of the ship.

You’re grinning stupidly yourself and you turn to Karkat to see the most severe look of pure disgust smeared across his face.

“I seriously hate all of you.” He grumbles, stepping forward and prodding Nepeta in the ribs with his toe. “Get the fuck up. This is serious business.”

“Hey, Karkitty!” She beams up at him, rolling onto her back and batting at his shoes with her palms. “I was just thinking about you!”

“Really? What a coincidence, I was just wondering how hard it would be to toss you overboard.” He grabs her under the arm and hauls her upright. “My guess is that it wouldn’t be very hard at all!”

Well it looks as if Karkat has quickly defined himself as the “Bad Cop”. That’s a sucks. You were really looking forward to roughing up a few suspects. Nepeta doesn’t look too worried though, as she hangs limply in his grasp. This is probably a dream come true for her, getting to both role-play with you and tussle with Karkat in the time span of about sixty seconds.

“Ahem.” You clear your throat, stepping forward to assume the other fifty percent of the age-old interrogation technique. “Leave her alone, Karkat. We came here to talk, not to hurt feelings.”

“Seems to me you came up here to play fucking games!” He releases Nepeta though, and stalks over to you. “You better not be wasting my time.”

He glares at you with a certain laughable intensity that only he is capable of.

“I’m not. You said you trusted me, remember?” You placate him with a pat him on the shoulder to. “So trust me.”

You step away from him, closer to Nepeta as to address her fully.

 “We just want to ask you a few questions, Nep. Then we’ll be on our way.”

“What sort of questions?” She asks, as she dusts away some of the dirt that accumulated on her coat when she was rolling around on the deck.

“Well for one, what were you doing the night Gamzee died? Before we found his body, I mean.”

Her head cocks to the side and you’re almost sure that one of her horns flickers like a cat’s ear, although it might just be a trick of the light.

“Oh, Geez Terezi. It seems like furever since that happened.” She scratches at her chin absentmindedly. “Ummm, I remember watching Equius when he was cat-napping. Why do you want to know?”

“We’re just trying to get a better picture of what happened that night.” You lean forward on your cane, pricking your ears, flaring your nostrils, and sticking your tongue out of the corner of your mouth. You ask your next question. “Were you upset that Gamzee was planning to kill Equius?”

You hear a subtle gritting of teeth, taste a salty tinge of sweat, and smell a warm rush of heavy, jungle air.

“Of course I was upset! He’s my Meowrial.” She exclaims. “And the Huntress always purtects a member of her pride.”

“So, did you think it was a little unfair that Gamzee got off with a slap on the wrist and a pat on the back?”

“Yes, it was totally unfair!”

“Were you angry?”

“Mhmm.”

“Angry enough…” Here it comes. “TO COMMIT MURDER!”

**SUDDEN ACCUSATION x1**

Nepeta gasps and leans away from you, nervous sweat collecting on her forehead and lush, earthy blood flowing quickly through her veins. You’ve got her now. She’s nervous, a little afraid, surprised, and completely caught off guard.

“What?! No!” She’s pressed against the railing now.

“You!” You proclaim, forgetting your role as ‘Good Cop’ completely. Being bad is just too much fun. “In a fit of anger, decided that the near death of your Morial was a good enough reason to seek reparation!  So you left Equius, snuck into Gamzee’s room and stabbed him to death with your razor sharp kitty claws!”

“NO!” Nepeta shrieks, covering her ears with her hands. “It wasn’t me!”

“Who else could it have been?! If the glove fits, then…” You forget the rest of that human saying. “Then… then the glove motherfucking fits!”

You hear Karkat to your left, looking onto the scene with stunned apprehension. He probably wasn’t expecting your line of questioning to dissolve so quickly into a full out indictment. Your deputy has a lot to learn about the convoluted, nonsensical sphere of justice.

“Kanaya!” Nepeta proclaims suddenly. “She was outside Gamzee’s room! I went to get some water and she was there! I saw her!”

“Psshhh! Save it, Maru.” Karkat interjects. “Kanaya would never go against a direct order. I told her that Gamzee was off limits.”

“She was there though.” Nepeta continues. “Remember, it was me and her that told you about Gamzee. She was there! She said that she found him. She did it!”

“Fuck this. Cuff her, Terezi.” Karkat commands.

Even if you had cuffs, (which you don’t, which you should, dammit why don’t you have cuffs) you would never take Nepeta into custody right now. Not only is she the first suspect that you’ve questioned, but she’s also most likely innocent.

You taste the air once more, finding it to be full of fear, anger, and a little bit of pee. She hasn’t confessed yet, only given light to new evidence. Namely, the presence of Kanaya at the scene of the crime.

You don’t know if she’s so nervous right now because you’ve just accused her, or because she doesn’t like talking about uncomfortable thing such as death, or simply because she’s within reaching distance of her flushed crush. You need to step back, reassess the situation, and question some more Gog-damn suspects.

“You’re free to go, Nepeta.” You say, surprising both your deputy and your former role play partner.

“WHAT!” Karkat roars.

You ignore him and hold out a hand to your friend, currently hiding inside of her coat, more like a turtle than a cat for once.

“Really?” She sniffs, looking at you hand with confusion and fear.

“Yeah, come on. Go and get yourself cleaned up. We’re done with you… for now.” She takes your hand and you pull her into a quick hug, before pushing her gently towards the stairs.

“WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS THAT?!” Karkat demands as Nepeta scampers away to disappear down the steps.

“It’s called police work, Nubs.” You say, spinning your cane between your nimble fingers. “There’s no way in hell that we’d get a confession out of her in that flustered state. And you never want to pin the blame on your first suspect anyways. You need to collect evidence, gather facts, and question _others_.”

You look at Karkat pointedly.

“No.” He says, waving his hand and backing away subtly. “No way in hell. Kanaya wouldn’t have done it.”

“You said it yourself before, Gamzee did kill Kanaya, remember?” You lean close, hissing in his ear, enunciating each syllable so that he hears correctly. “ _Moe-ti-vay-shun_.”

He shivers when your tongue tickles his ear.

“I’ve considered it, yeah. I mean, of course.” He slaps your hand, which had steadily been crawling up his arm. “But then again, I’ve considered a lot of stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Well like maybe it wasn’t any of us at all. Maybe…” He snaps his fingers. “Maybe it was Strider’s fucking asshole douchebag brother. You know the one, the guy who tried to kill all of us and forced us out of our home. The one who mutilated Jade and Vriska. You know, _that_ one.”

“Me and Dave have talked about this actually. His Bro is being mind controlled, and fighting it too. If he had _really_ wanted to kill us, he would have snuck around and taken us out one by one, not blasted through the fucking ceiling like a sword-wielding cannon ball.”

“Yeah, so. John mentioned something about brainwashing, but what does that have to do with anything.” He crosses his arms. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that it makes no sense whatsoever for Bro to sneak in, kill Gamzee, run away, and then come back later, swords blazing. From what I hear, Bro is quite the master ninja. If he wanted us dead, then we would be dead.”

“Fuuuhh.” Karkat’s shoulders slump and he folds his arms tighter around himself.

You feel your heart soften slightly, seeing him look so defeated.

“What changed?” You ask. “You said that Kanaya was one of your top suspects, right? That’s why she’s on board this ship right now and not down with Rose on LOLAR. You wanted to question her. Why the cold feet and second guessing all the sudden?”

“I… fuck, we…” He gestures dumbly towards where Nepeta was just standing. “We had _her_. We didn’t need to question anyone else. I thought we could… I don’t know. Avoid it. She’s like the only friend I have left and I don’t…” He sighs heavily, as if he knows that he’s being stupid. “I don’t _want_ it to be her.”

“I’m sorry.” You say and you mean it too. You know what it’s like to be pitted against a friend. “But you wanted my help. Now you got it.”

You extend your hand again, this time towards him. He looks like it warily, as if it’s some sort of trap, like you’re wearing one of those ridiculous buzzer things that will shock him the second he touches you.

Note to self: alchemize handcuffs and ridiculous buzzer things that will shock someone the second they touch you.

Eventually, Karkat reaches out and tentatively takes your hand.

“Come on,” You say, tugging him towards the stairs. “Let’s go ruin the last of your friendships.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super-Big-Mega-Awesome Thanks to Jeedies for drawing a glorious piece of art, depicting a scene from this very story! I know, right? I'm excited too. The scene is from chapter twenty and it's John giving Karkat his Wriggeling Day gift.
> 
> You can find the the art that Jeedies drew here: [Shazam!](http://mlp-mike.tumblr.com/post/94410897510/this-has-to-be-the-greatest-thing-that-ive-ever)  
> And you can find Jeedies tumblr here: [Shazam 2.0!](http://jeedies.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Now, I know that I'm setting a lot of stuff up in this story, but I promise you: it will all pay off in the end.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> -Mike


	25. ACT 3 - PART 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, possible triggers ahead: Thoughts of suicide.
> 
> Thanks to OBVOS for commenting.

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently resting on the shore of a rainbow ocean, lounging on one of the many beaches on LOLAR. Any minute now, Kanaya should get in touch with you and relay the location of your quest bed. Then you and your travel companions will head there.

And then you will kill yourself.

That’s the plan at least. Stated in the most basic and straightforward manner possible. Sugarcoating your inevitable demise will only delay the process at which you come to terms with your fate. It’s best, in your opinion, to face the challenge head on, combating whatever seeds of doubt surface as they appear. Namely, what if this plan doesn’t work?

You’ve been wrong about game mechanics before, with disastrous results. What if this is no different? What if you die, but do not resurrect? What if you perish for good?

_“Well then that would be it for you.”_ Is the simple answer. You’d be dead and it would be up to John and everyone else to save your mother, along with the rest of your universe. Their likelihood for success would most likely decease, of course, but then again you wouldn’t have to worry about screwing anything up again.

You would be released from these earthy bonds, embraced by the cold tendrils of death, and… set free. Would the Horrorterrors still plague you in death? It seems unlikely, since you don’t remember their influence whilst you lay slain by the hand of Jack Noir, although that may have been due to your proximity to John. Another question on a long list of questions, which buzz around in your head like a hive full of disgruntled bees.

How does your best friend fit into all of this? You wonder. Could it be a side effect of his windy powers, the ability to literally blow away the evil incidence of elder beasts? You don’t know and you aren’t about to ask him about it. You’ve gotten enough concerned glances and comments already today without bringing up the presence of demonic voices in your head.

As you lean back in the sand, feeling the heat of two suns caressing your face, you think about death, escape, John, your mother, Horrorterrors, and Kanaya. Predominately though, you think about your last conversation with the female troll before your departure. Remembering her nervous smile, the perfect swoops of her hair, the immaculate fangs protruding from her upper lip to glimmer in the daylight. She really was an exquisite creature, whose physical appearance was only rivaled by her intellectual endowment.

“What are you thinking about?” John’s voice rouses you from your thoughts.

“Hmmm.” You hum in response, buying time. “Just plotting my next foray into the world of literary works. I’m thinking of writing a book, if you must know.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

You turn head to face him. He’s sitting cross-legged by your side, a look of sincere curiosity directed towards you.

“You’re sure that you’re not thinking of anything else?” He asks.

You blow a stubborn strand of hair out of your eyes.

“Positive.” You say plainly. “Why? Do I look as if my mind is otherwise occupied?”

“You’re forehead is winkled up like an accordion.” He grins, poking you firmly between the eyes. When did he get so close? “That only happens when you’re having a hardcore philosophy jam inside your head.”

You frown, disappointed that he’s picked up on an apparent tell that you’ve been unaware of until now. It seems that your usual calm, stoicism has been jeopardized as of late. Not a hard idea to fathom, considering the trials you’ve endured up to this point.

You debate whether or not to admit to John what you were thinking. Not the garbage about Kanaya, but your thoughts on death and peace and escape. If anyone were to know anything about the afterlife, it’d probably be him. He’s died the most out of anyone.

“Can I pick your brain for a moment?” You ask.

“Sure.”

You flop backwards onto the sand and after a second he joins you. The pair of you look up through half-lidded eyes towards the bright sky.

“Do you remember anything about death?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, what was it like to die?”

He exhales heavily, thinking.

“I dunno really.” He pauses. “Why are you asking? I mean, you died too, right? On Jack Noir’s castle.”

“You’re correct. I have indeed experienced death and resurrection.” You roll gently onto your side to set your eyes on him.  “But it was almost like a dream, since the Horrorterrors were clouding my thoughts. I was conscious one second and then conscious another. I remember being stabbed and then you waking me up. It was like anesthesia, artificial sleep that erased all thoughts in between life and death from my memory.”

John’s lying with his head resting upon his laced fingers. His head flops over to the side and your gazes meet.

“You’re nervous about dying, huh?”

“Not exactly, just curious.” You admit. “Were you… afraid? Or was it just peaceful. Or…”

“If you’re asking if there’s an afterlife, then…” He chews his lip. “I don’t think there is one. I mean, you can believe whatever you want, but when I was dead everything was just black.”

“Black?”

“Yup, there was nothing.” He swallows hard and looks back towards the sky. “I don’t want you to be afraid, but honestly I don’t think dying is really ever going to be a pleasant experience. At least compared to being alive. When I died, there was just nothing, no light, or time, or space, or anything. It was just me.”

“Oblivion.” You mutter to yourself.

“Yeah, I guess.” He hears you.

“Is that what Vriska is going through right now?” The second the words are out of your mouth, you regret them.

John stiffens in the sand and for a moment, you’re afraid that he might lash out at you. What a stupid thing to ask. Of course he’s worried about his Matesprit, and the idea of her floating in eternity isn’t going to put his mind at ease.

“I don’t know.” He says quietly. “Last time I saw her she was in my dream house or whatever. She seemed… fine, I suppose. I just don’t know. I guess anything could have happened since the last time I saw her.”

“I’m sure she’s fine.” You’re quick to placate him.

“Mhmm.” He appears to be only vaguely aware of what you’ve just said. “I just wonder sometimes, you know? Like if she won’t be there when I finally get the ring, or that she’ll be _really_ dead when I get there, or maybe so much time would have passed that she…” He pauses again. “That she might not even give a shit about me at all.”

He’s being really open to you right now about his insecurities. So much so, that you feel like a shitty person for wanting to keep yours hidden from him.

“I don’t belive that for one second.” You say, reaching out to find pat his arm. “I think that right now you’re Vriska’s only hope of coming back to life. She won’t forget about that. She won’t ever forget what you’re doing for her.”

He looks at you again, his face still twisted with a frown.

“Yeah.” He sighs and changes the conversation rather quickly. Or, more accurately, redirects it back towards its original trajectory. “So you’re thinking that everything would be easier if you were dead, right?”

“I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t cross my mind.” You answer honestly, surprised by his perceptiveness. Yet more proof that you’re not really all that of a mystery to John. That you never really have been.

“Well then listen to me right now.” He rolls over so that you’re now both facing each other. “Take it from someone who’s spent a lot of time dead: It sucks. Like, a lot.”

You can’t help the smile that tugs at your lips, watching him lie in the sand and grin at you.

“I’ll remember that.” You say, feeling quite light for the moment.

“You better.” He reaches forward and pokes you between the eyes again, causing you to realize how stressed your forehead had become again. “Trust me, Rose. You don’t need to worry about this quest bed stuff. Everything will be okay.”

“Alright. I trust you.” Because if you can’t trust him, then you really can’t trust anyone else.

A soft _beep_ in your ear informs you that you’ve just received a call. You tap a slender finger on your headband and the lens flicks out over your right eye.

“Hello?” You answer.”

“Rose, it’s Kanaya.” Replies a lyrical voice. “I, um… How are you?”

You smirk, while John looks on quizzically. He mouths ‘ _who is it?’_ and you respond _‘Kanaya’_. The female troll is going to have to learn to not be so awkward around you in the future, if she does truly wish to spend more time with you that is. Until the day where she grows more comfortable though, your endure her incredibly endearing unease.

“I’m well.” You chuckle. “And yourself?”

“Oh.” She seems surprised that you understand common conversational etiquette. “I’m… also well.”

You wait for her to continue, growing more and more amused with every passing second in which you spend in silence.

“Kanaya?”

“Yes! Yes, what is it?”

“I assume there is a reason for this call.”

“Oh, of course. I have a location for your quest bed.”

“Ah,” You sit upright and give John a thumbs up. “Alright, where is it?”

“About ninety meters north of your location and one hundred and forty meters straight down.”

You blink, look northward, and frown.

“So you’re… saying that it’s- underwater?” You speak slowly, deliberately so that you won’t have to repeat yourself.

“Oh,” Kanaya puffs for the third time, her voice rather high pitched and breathy. “There’s water there? Sorry, the viewfinder installed on this husktop is rather outdated. It’s barely giving me an image at all.”

“But you’re certain that you have the location of my quest bed correct.”

You look to John. He’s listening enraptured to fifty percent of your conversation. He appears to have gotten the gist of it though and he looks more puzzled and concerned than unhappy with Kanaya’s results. You can tell that he’s already thinking of a way to get your little party down to the bottom of the rainbow tinted ocean.

“Most definitely, what this program lacks in elegance it most certainly makes up in accuracy. Your quest bed should be exactly where I specified.”

“Well I guess one thing that comes from this is that I won’t have to worry about stabbing myself or something equally barbaric. I can simply down myself on my quest bed.”

Kanaya is silent for a moment.

“I, uh… that was a joke.” You add quickly.

“I see. Haha.” Her laugh is an octave higher than her regular voice and obviously forced. Maybe you also have much to learn when it comes to social interaction. Even with all of your psychology textbooks, you still have a great capacity for ‘foot into mouth’ interaction.

You sigh.

“I’ll see you soon, Kanaya.”

“Likewise,” She responds. “We’re heading back to recollect team one as we speak. Be ready at the pick-up location in… I’d say about forty-five minutes.”

“That’s quick.” You comment. In a way, it’s probably for the best that your death will be under a time crunch, less chance that you’ll get cold feet.  “We’ll be there.”

You hang up after a quick salutation, sparing yourself and Kanaya from any more opportunities to reenact more cliché adolescent inelegance (a word you’d never thought you would have associated with Kanaya).

“Was that Kanaya?” It’s Equius, stomping across the sand towards you. “Do we know where we’re going yet?”

“Yes, it was her.” You stand up, brushing loose sand from your skirt. “How does the perimeter look?”

“Not a soul in sight, no imps or anything. Not even those little turtle creatures.” He says.

“Your consorts are gone?” John asks. “Where’d they go? Why would they leave?”

“I’d assume they left for the same reason that we must ultimately all come. Jack Noir has set up shop here for the time being.” You answer. “And as for the _‘where’_ , I have no idea. Hopefully somewhere where they’ll be safe.”

“Would Jack Noir have, I don’t know, rounded them up? Or something?” John looks worried. He’s probably imagining a hundred different ways that Jack Noir could prepare LOLAR turtle soup.

“Doubtful.” You’re unsure yourself, but you change the subject. “It appears that my quest bed is at the bottom of the ocean.” You nod your head towards the sea behind you.”We’ll have to descend to reach it.”

Immediately Equius looks unpleased at this news. He wipes a layer of sweet off of his brow.

“I’ll admane… I mean, I’ll _admit_ ,” He shifts nervously. “I don’t _do_ well with water.”

“What does that mean?” John asks. “You can’t swim? That’s alright, buddy. I’ll just fly us down there, no problem.”

You stomach performs a practiced somersault at the prospect of more flying, but really what had you expected? John will leap at any chance to stretch his metaphorical wings. You’re not looking forward to bursting his bubble by refusing his offer.

“No. It isn’t that. It’s just.” Equius seems to be struggling with his words.

 He’s afraid. You can see all the signs easily missed by others, namely John. He’s afraid, and he’s hesitant to admit it.

“We’ll need you on the shore to keep watch.” You say firmly. “John and I will go down and return shortly. Be ready to move though when we arrive. We’ll only have minutes to reach our rendezvous point by then.”

“Yes, good plan.” Equius nods quickly. “I shall be the best lookout ever. Of all time.”

He stomps away again towards a nearby sand dune without another word, leaving you and John alone on the beach. It’s for the best, you decide. You’d rather have Equius being useless on the surface than panicking underwater. You’re going to have a hard enough time keeping your own panic levels under control as it is.

“Is it a good idea to leave him up here by himself?” John asks, indicating Equius’s receding figure.

“He’ll be fine. This will only take a few minutes.” You kneel down and begin untying your shoelaces. “I expect that you’ll be able to supply us with some breathable air, yes?”

“Yeah, totally.” You don’t have to look at John to know he’s grinning, definitely excited to be using his windy powers again. “That won’t be a problem at all. I’ve actually been wondering whether or not I even need to breathe at all since… Wh- what are you doing?”

You’ve just begun tugging your sweater up and over your head.

“Insuring that my only set of functional clothes aren’t completely ruined.” You can’t fight the smirk that tugs at your lips. “Don’t be silly, John. It’s just underwear.”

He turns away, face burning, when you stoop low again to fold your clothes onto a neat pile atop your sneakers. As an afterthought, you retrieve your needle wands from your skirt’s pocket and tuck them away safely in your bra. You don’t know what might be at the bottom of the ocean, so it’s best to come prepared with your weapons.

 You straighten up, hands on your hips.

“Well?” You ask.

“Well what?” He shoots back, still not looking at you.

“Are you really going to leave me alone, isolated on a symbolic island of near indecent nudity?”

“I’m not stripping for you.” He replies crossing his arms.

“It’s not stripping, John. It’s just irrational to get your clothes wet when it’s dubious as to when you’ll receive any new ones.”

“It’s just water, it’s not like we’re swimming in sewage.”

You wrinkle your nose at the thought. Maybe he’s right? Maybe you were a little too quick to slim down to your knickers, and have thus made it awkward? You don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. You don’t know why he’s acting so nervous, considering that you probably have about as much sex appeal as a dead, dried up, rotting house plant.

 Before you can say anything else though, John speaks once more.

“Screw it.” He starts unbuttoning his shirt and kicking out of his shoes. “Just… turn around or something, okay?”

You roll your eyes and turn away.

“Oh come on, John. There’s no reason to be bashful. You and I are a couple of professional heroes after all.” He snorts from behind you, but you continue. “I mean, you’re like a brother to me.” He snorts again, louder and harder. You turn to face him. “It’s not as if- aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.”

Your jaw hangs open and a low tone escapes from your throat like a sour note from the strings of a poorly tuned violin. John is _built_ and all of the sudden you feel very subconscious, standing there in your modest under things.

“Is… er, everything okay?” He asks, halfway though unbuckling his belt.

You mouth shuts with a sharp _clack_ off teeth against teeth. The dull, stretched out note emanating from your mouth goes silent and you just nod like a mindless bobble head. Why couldn’t Dave have accompanied you on this trip? Sure his skills would have been near useless when trying to reach the bottom of the ocean, but at least you could have had a nice laugh at whatever snazzy briefs he was wearing.

With John though… there are too many conflicting emotions and old, childhood fantasies. You shake your head, forcing yourself to think of Kanaya. Prim, concise, elegant Kanaya, with her long flowing skirts and sculpted hair and OH MY GOD ARE THOSE LITTLE GHOST SLIMES?

John shivers in his signature boxers, looking for all the world like the most adorable dweeb in the universe. He could have been a footballer in another life, or maybe a medieval knight who gallivanted across the grassy knolls, slaying evil wizards and laying comely maidens.

You think you’ve just gotten inspiration for a second book, possibly a sequel to one which you’ve already plotted out quite extensively.

“Are we doing this or not?” John’s rather snippy right now, isn’t he?

“Yes, of course.” You muster all of your professionalism and lead the way towards the water. It’s fairly warm on your toes, a little like bath water. That’s good in your opinion, since you’re not much a fan of the cold.

John wades in next to you, causing quite a lot of disturbance as he trundles through the shallow.

“So just stay where I can see you and we should be fine.” He says. “What, uh… are you going to do when, you know… when we get down there?”

“I was thinking I’d just drown myself.” You respond evenly, automatically, like a robot.

“Oh.”

“Yes. Oh, indeed.”

He rubs the back of his neck in that awkward way of his.

“Do you want me to fly us down there?”

“No. I think I’ll swim if it’s all the same to you.” There’s no point in doing something you dislike, like flying (even if it is underwater), before doing something you’d usually want to avoid, such as dying.

“Sure, whatever you want.” He says without argument.

With a deep breath you submerge yourself. The water closes around your head, but your force your eyes to remain open. You expect to feel the warm water rush for your nose and mouth, hoping to flood your airways before you even reach the bottom. However, the water molds around your head leaving a pocket of air between yourself and the ocean. It’s almost as if you’re wearing an invisible helmet.

You twist in the water to look at John. He’s wearing a similar air hood, looking quite ridiculous, like an astronaut in his underpants. You tap your head set again and he answers on the first ring.

“Pretty cool, huh?” He answers.

“Will we have enough air?”

“Yeah, don’t worry.” He motions for you to continue forward. If you didn’t know any better you’d think that he’s almost urging you to hurry up and die.

You start to swim, paddling easily through the water towards your destination. Your mother had enlisted you in swimming lessons, along with other customary activities offered at the youth’s center in your town. You’d performed well, as always, learning to move about in the water with easy assurance of your survival. Until now at least.

You decide to think about something besides your mother or death.

“Do you know what this reminds me of?” You say suddenly.

“That one scene in Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace when Qui Gon Jinn and Obi Wan Kenobi swim down to the Gugan City on Naboo to ask for help against the Separatist federation?”

“… No.”

“Oh, okay then.”

“I was thinking about the second task in the Triwizard Tournament in which Cedric Diggory and Fleur Delacour both try using the Bubble-Head Charm to retrieve their hostages from the bottom of the great lake.”

“Nerd.”

“Like you’re one to talk. At least Harry Potter is _good_.”

“Star Wars is good!”

“No, John.” You say. “No, it really isn’t.”

You hear him mutter something about ‘ _the original trilogy’_ , but you’re no longer listening. You’ve just gotten the first look at your quest bed. That was quick. It’s an odd sight against the ghostly pale sand which covers the ocean floor. The bed is a slab of orange rock, with a stylized symbol carved into its face resembling a sun. The whole construct is surrounded by a loose ring of rose-colored coral.

You try to get your breathing under control.

“I suppose…” You drift down to the rock. It’s smooth and cool beneath your feet in stark contrast to the water around you. “I suppose that you can take away this helmet now.”

There’s a long pause, but you don’t turn to look at John. You know he’s still there and you know what he’s thinking.

“You know that you don’t _have_ to do this right.” He says after a while. “I mean, there’s probably some way that we can beat Jack Noir without you having to be God Tier or whatever.”

You’ve thought about it, trying to continue on your quest without making this little detour. However, without whatever God Tier powers going through with this might afford you, it’s likely that you’ll be more of a liability than an asset. And you are very, _very_ tired of being a liability.

“No. We came here to do this, so we’re doing _this_.” You turn to face John, donning your firmest, most effective brave face. “Come on, John. Make this easy on me.”

You position yourself, lying flat on your back, looking up towards the streaks of sunlight filtering down from above, and wait to die.

“You look like a princess.” John says. “Well, I mean.” He coughs. “Like sleeping beauty or something. I don’t know. Just pretend I’m not here. Haha.”

You reach out and flail your hand until he catches it.

“It’ll be fast.” You blurt quickly. “Just stay here and make sure that I stay on the bed, okay?”

“Got it. I’ll be right here.” He rubs a thumb over your knuckles once, twice. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m ready.”

He counts to three and then removes the hood of air from around your head. You don’t hold your breath. You close your eyes, and die. Then, for the first time in forever, you feel free.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’ve just watched one of your best friends die. You looked away as she went from calm, to calmer, to deadly still.

You think that you might want to throw up.

Thoughts and images flash through your head. A castle spire, a decapitated father, a black monster, and a dead Rose. She’d been just as still then as she was now. So tranquil, so at ease with herself.

You hated it then and you hate it now too, possibly more.

What’s worse is that she’s wearing nothing but a bra and a pair of panties. Talk about confusing! One second you’re worrying about whether or not she was frightened before she died, and then the next you’re prying your eyes away from the supple curve of her chest.  Your mind and body is a flurry of depression and hormones, culminating in a very confused and slightly turned on John Egbert.

You grip her hand a fraction tighter and turn to examine an odd bit of coral surrounding you. It’s a pale pink, almost peach-ish in color, forming a rough circle around Rose’s Quest Bed. You watch it shimmer in the light almost like it’s moving slowly, undulating like the body of a great worm.

Then the coral ring bucks like a horse and out from the ground rises a long, powerful looking snake-like creature. Rose’s Denizen.

“Oh, fucking shit.” You breathe. You’re nearly certain that a little pee just leaked out of you.

The giant beast twirls in the water, spiraling around you in a giant coil. You can feel the current moving along with it, tugging you and Rose away from the bed. You call upon some of your windy powers to keep you from moving with an anti-current. You have to keep Rose on the bed for however long it takes for her to resurrect.

Maybe if you get lucky, the Denizen won’t notice…

“Who disturbs my slumber?!”

One end of the snake swivels around to face you. Two small, beady black circles are pointed in your direction and you guess that this is supposed to be the creatures face. Your thoughts are confirmed when a slit beneath the eyes opens, displaying rows upon rows of razor sharp teeth, and the beast speaks again.

“Who are you?!”

“Uh… John?” You answer uncertainly. It’s times like these when you wish that you had a cooler name, or at least one that was more… you don’t know, heroic.

“What do you want, _John_? Why are you in my domain?” The giant sea serpent’s voice sounds like a thousand steel gears grinding against each other.

“Her Quest Bed is down here.” You motion dumbly towards the sill motionless Rose. “We just came to…”

“That is her!” The Denizen interrupts you. “You’ve brought the Seer here?!? Why?! Why would you do that?!”

The monster’s voice is tinged with a tone that you peg as disbelief.

“Look, Mr. Denizen sir.” You begin. “We’re trying to defeat Jack Noir and we need her to be in God Tier to do that, so…”

“I am a woman!” The serpent interrupts you again.

“Wh- what?”

“You called me _Mr._ Denizen! When I am clearly a member of the female gender!”

“I, uh… er.” This is honestly the most uncomfortable encounter you’ve ever had with a massive sea beast. “I’m- sorry?”

“You come down into _realm_ , wake me from _my_ hibernation, insult me with incorrect suffixes, and all you can say is _‘SORRY’_?!?”

“What do you want from me, lady?! Can’t you see that I’m in the middle of something here?!” You raise the hand still clasping Rose’s and wave it a few times. You’re starting to grow annoyed.

“What do I want from you!?” The Denizen repeats, multitude of teeth flashing. “Isn’t it obvious _player_? I want you to _DIE!”_

**STRIFE!**

Like a bolt of lightning, the head of the serpent lunges down straight for you, intent on sucking your into her mouth and ripping you to shreds with those fangs. You were worried that it would come to this. You release Rose’s hand and use what air is in the water to propel you downwards, beneath the Denizen. Once you’ve dodged the attack, your rocket upwards and put as much force as you can behind an uppercut to what you guess is her neck.

The Denizen’s head snaps backwards and she somersaults away from you, carried aloft by a windy current of rainbow water.

“Come on, Rose.” You speak to your friend as the Denizen recovers. “Come on, come on, come on.”

The human girl is still asleep though, pressed against the stone slab, hair floating around her like a golden halo. There’s no time to admire your friends natural beauty though, since the Denizen is already launching a counter attack.

You have a decision to make. You can stay here and try to fight the giant snake beast, most likely winding up dead. There isn’t much air in the water for you to manipulate and fuck are you an idiot for forgetting your hammer on the beach!

Your second option is to lead the Denizen away from Rose. The monster didn’t apparently approve of Rose’s ascension into the God Tiers and you don’t blame her, since Rose was technically supposed to kill her. However, instead of going after Rose, the snake beast is currently fixated on you. You can lead the Denizen to the beach and then double back for Rose, who would hopefully have resurrected by then.

You go with the second and obviously superior choice, at least in your mind. You turn tail and flee, flying back towards the beach with all the speed you can muster. The hot breath of the Denizen, like boiling water, is on your heels and you would absolutely hate to be killed at this moment, not only because you’d probably be dead for good due to your heroics, but also because there’s a chance you might encounter Vriska again dressed in nothing but your underpants.

She’s seen you in less, sure, but there’s just something about the idea of popping up half naked that makes you think it would be really embarrassing.

All that aside, you’re currently pushing yourself to the limit, streaking towards the beach at a high speed. The bubble you created around your head is steadily growing smaller and more warped the faster you go. You don’t know how much longer you can keep this up or how much farther the beach is.

What the crap? It was totally not this far away earlier. But then again, there’s always something about things that you want that make them seem further away than they actually are. That’s a philosophy discussion you’d like to run by Rose later if you’re both still alive then.

You end up with a face full of sand as the ocean floor begins to shallow out. You adjust your course, heading upwards and hoping to Jesus or Jegus or whoever exists that the Denizen doesn’t catch you.

With an explosion of water and sound, you erupt into open air. You’re surprised at how much better fresh air tastes compared to the recycled stuff you were feeding yourself underwater. It causes your head to go light and your world to spin, and before you know it you’re skidding across the beach like a hockey puck on ice.

An earth shattering _slam_ behind you reminds you that the Denizen is still giving chase. You bounce over the ground once more and finally roll to a stop.

_“Pants.”_ You think quickly. _“Find your damn pants!”_

You’re on your hands and knees, almost to your feet when something very large and very heavy slams into your back. Another mouthful of dirt is forced down your throat as you’re slammed into the ground and the air rushes from your lungs. You crane your neck to see that the Denizen is grinning down at you hungrily.

“Riddle me this!” Her voice crackles on dry land like static. “And I might let you live! HAHAHA! What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three…”

“A man.” You respond quickly, coughing chalky sand onto the ground.

“A… wh- what?”

“A man.” You repeat. “The answer to the riddle is a man.”

“What the fuck?!?” She roars. “You didn’t even let me finish!”

“Oh shit, I’m sorry. I just thought you’d want my answer.”

“How did you know it?!?”

“It’s actually a fairly common riddle.” You try to get up, but she’s still pinning you. “I’ve, uh, heard it before. Actually, I think _everyone_ has at some point.”

“Jegus.” Her mouth twists in frown. “How long have I been asleep?”

“I don’t know.” You struggle feebly under her mass, and then sigh when you find no escape. “So do you… do you want to ask another one?”

She appears to think for a while.

“Okay. I shall ask you another!” Her horribly simplistic face comes down closer to yours. “What is black and white and read…”

“A newspaper.”

“GOG FUCKING DAMMIT! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!”

Before you can respond, a loud scream of rage bellows from somewhere over your head. A streak of grey and black flash before your eyes and suddenly the Denizen is no longer coiled above you. There’s another monumental _crash_ as she collides with the beach again some distance away from you.

You don’t know what saved you, but you’re not about to stick around to find out. You push yourself to your feet and instantly wobble back to the ground. Your legs feel like jelly and your spine feels like a bendy straw. Needless to say you’re definitely going to have some bruises after this.

A hand wraps around your shoulder and hauls you to your feet. You cry out in surprise.

“Easy there, John. I am here to help.”

“Equius! Thank god you’re here!”

“I came when I heard the commotion. Is that Rose’s Denizen? Where is Rose? What happened to your pants?”

“No time to explain! I gotta get back in the water to find Rose. Can you keep the Denizen busy?”

He looks over towards the writhing monster who is quickly regaining its senses.

“I’ll do my best, although I do not think there is much time before we’re supposed to meet at the rendezvous point.”

“I’ll be back as soon as possible. I promise.” You pat him on the shoulder and stagger towards the water again.

You can hear the Denizen moving mountains of sand as it starts to writhe once again. Equius had sure given it a good punch, but will he be able to hold it off long enough for you to get back to Rose? You supposed there’s only one way to find out.

You’re up to your knees in the water again when it happens. Far off, towards the center of the ocean, a geyser of water erupts into the sky. It seems as if the whole world comes to a halt to watch the shaft of water arc towards the sun. As you look on, a lone figure descends from the sky, tearing towards the beach at an impressive speed.

“What the…” You watch in awe as the figure flies over your head and fires a beam of magic directly into the Denizen, right before she was about to reengage Equius.

The enormous sea serpent cracks like a whip and screams before exploding in a shower of grist, which then proceeds to rain down upon you like hail. You’re not looking at the burnt crater where the Denizen used to be, or at the heap grist pooling at you feet, you’re looking at the figure, who’s slowly gliding to the ground right in front of you.

It’s a girl, dressed in orange, with a sun on her chest and a fire in her eyes. She clutches needle wands in her hands and wears a smirk of the smuggest mirth on her painted lips.

“Hello, John.” Rose winks. “You can close your mouth now.”

You shut your jaw with a sharp _clack_.

“Heh, nice pajamas.” You grin.

“Nice boxers.”

Bluh bluh, Huge Witch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on John: Try to Understand! Dave and Jade have a lover's quarrel and Kanaya gets her meat grilled (whatever that means). 
> 
> Rose's Denizen was kind of a chump bitch, but then again, every fight can't be awesome. Or at least that's my excuse. Fun Fact: almost every fanfic I read in which John's boxers are shown, he's wearing ghostbuster themed pantaloons. It's almost like it's canon, am I right? Anyways, man I love to write chapters about John and Rose :D
> 
> Remember: No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	26. ACT 3 - PART 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kombo for commenting and pointing out that I posted my last chapter on my two month anniversary with this story. It sort of feels like I've been dating this story for two months, you know? I've spent a depressing amount of time on it. Maybe it will finally put out one of these days.

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too. Everyone else is sort of predisposed at the moment. John is busy scooping up ass loads of grist off a beach in LOLAR. Rose is struggling with romantic inclinations to the classy vampire queen and your best friend at the same time. Jade is still fuming over the loss of all her worldly possessions.

And finally, you’re kind of just stuck in the middle of everything, with a possessed Bro still on the loose and a shitty sword stuck in your belt. Speaking of which, where is your Bro? The last time you’d seen him, he’d been tearing yall to shreds atop The Beat Mesa. Now he’s just up and gone.

You wonder if he’s chilling with Jack Noir in LOLAR right now, or if he’s managed to escape. You guess you’ll find out when you get there.

“It should be just over this hill!” Aradia, the troll girl, calls over her shoulder. The wind has picked up quite a bit and you barely hear her words through the whipping wind and swirling snow.

You’ve been walking for a while now, trudging through the snow towards the location Kanaya gave you for Jade’s quest bed. It hasn’t been an easy walk. You’d barely managed to pry Jade from her home when she’d found out that her Rickenbacker Model 4003 Bass Guitar was missing. Apparently it was custom built. She’s currently sulking somewhere behind you.

When you reach the top of the hill, you can’t help but raise your eyebrows a fraction of an inch in surprise. It truly feels like you’re on top of the world at the moment, standing on less of a hill and more of a mountain. In the distance you can see a large rocky construct, which you guess is the forge Jade was going to use to breed frogs, and down on the ground below, you can see your destination.

“Oh,” Jade joins your side. “Wow, that’s pretty.”

“It’s pretty cool I guess.” You shrug.

“Haha.” She giggles. “ _Cool_. I didn’t know that you were also a pun master, Dave.”

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Babe. I’m like the Holy Bible. Everyone quotes me, but no one knows me completely from back to front. People dedicate their whole lives studying my gospel, but no one can truly comprehend my profound righteousness.”

“So… you’re a Christian?”

“No.”

“Jewish?”

“No.” You turn away from her, scratching your nose and changing the subject. “We should get down there.”

It’s a temple, much like yours on LOHAC, but constructed entirely out of white ice. The sun bounces cleanly off of its smooth surface and twinkles up at you. Your shades protect you from its luster though, much like they protect you from Jade’s curious gaze.

“Are you… an atheist?” She asks, almost tentatively.

“Does it matter?”

“Well, no. Not really, but I…”

“Then stop asking.”

She falls silent and you feel a twinge of regret for snapping at her. That was _not_ cool.

“So why would Kanaya say you aren’t going to like this place?” You ask as you lead the way down the snowy hill.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Aradia answers for your girlfriend. “Jade’s Denizen lives in there.”

“Denizen?” You repeat. “You mean like a giant tentacle snake beast thing that’s basically a boss?”

“Yup.” She responds. “Didn’t you have to fight yours to reach your quest bed?”

“No. I just walked in no questions asked.”

“Strange. Maybe you just snuck by it by accident?”

You give a half-shrug in response. You’re only mildly interested in stuff that happened so long ago.

“Do you, uh, think I’ll have to fight mine?” Jade asks the troll girl.

“I don’t know. It’s definitely a possibility.” She answers. “I think all the Denizens are supposed to be asleep, so we might be able to just sneak inside.”

You certainly hope so. As much as you want to flex your awesome ninja skills and impresses your foxy lady, you’d rather not put either of your companions in any unwanted danger.

Jade continues to sulk all the way down to entrance of the ice temple. She’s not being her usually chatty self and you can understand why. She’s had an unreasonably shitty day and she’s probably starting to get cold feet, (no pun intended), in regard to this whole dying thing.

As your group enters the temple and silently draws their weapons, you position yourself next to Jade.

“You wanna know something.” You talk quietly, gripping the handle of your sword tightly. It’s a pretty cool looking blade, despite how shitty it probably is. After breaking that one sword, the legend of cuddlefish or something, you’d managed to snag this one. Bright red and razor sharp and totally matching your outfit. Jade’s Grandpa truly did have a collection of neat shit. “When I was going to my quest bed. I was scared shitless too.”

“Who says I’m scared shitless?” She responds through chattering teeth. You raise your eyebrows a fraction of a fraction of an inch in response. She sighs, looks down, and continues in a small voice. “Were you, like… _really_ scared?”

“I was. Like a fatass turkey the night before thanksgiving.”

“Well how did you go through with it?”

You think for a second, simultaneously remembering that one time you committed suicide and coming to terms with the fact that you’re actually admitting this stuff aloud. If anyone, anywhere needs to hear this though, it’s her. Right here. Right now.

“I thought of you guys. John and Rose and You. I wondered what you guys would do in my place, a sword in my hand, a quest bed right in front of me. I thought of John running off to fight Jack Noir with Vriska. I thought of Rose, trapped in that castle. And then I thought of you…”

“… And?”

“And then I did it.” You finish, with another small shrug. “Easy as a slutty pie that’s been on a three month dry spell.”

Jade shudders at your words although a grin tugs at her lips. There we go. There’s that smile you’ve been missing.

“Thanks, Dave.”

“Yeah.”

You all walk straight though the temple with no resistance, only the puffs of frozen breath from your between your lips and your muffled footsteps bouncing off the walls. Your group makes slow progress down the main hall, around a corner, and into a large cavernous room. In the center of which is, you guessed it, Jade’s quest bed.

It’s slightly raised, like on a stage, and positioned over a dark pit which seems to stretch to the very center of the world. Jade cautiously steps onto the bridge leading towards the stage and you follow her closely to the center. The actual bed itself is jet black with a spiral symbol, which you guess is her god tier symbol, engraved into its face.

“Wow.” Jade breathes, staring down at it with wide eyes. “This is a thing that’s totally happening right now.”

“Yeah, so let’s hurry it up.” Aradia hisses. She’s standing near the wall, whip in hand, and eyes furiously scanning the room for any hidden snake beasts.

“What she means is, take your time.” Your hand hovers over Jade’s shoulder. “But seriously, just do it already.”

“… How?” Jade turns to you, her eyes wide behind her round glasses.

“Just… shoot yourself in the face or something.”

“Won’t that make noise and wake up the Denizen?”

“I don’t know.”

She bounces from foot to foot, shifting her weight nervously. Either that or she really has to pee. Eventually she turns back to you.

“Stab me.”

“What?”

“Stab me with your sword, fuckass.”

You blink at her from behind your shades, but other than that, your face remains as impassive as ever. It’s a reasonable request, one you yourself might have made in her position.

“I… uh.” You look from your red blade to her pale face. “I’ll do it.”

She looks at you for a second, then nods and rushes your chest, crushing you in a hug.

“Make it fast, okay?” She says into your jacket.

Jade pokes her head up and presses her lips against yours, much like she did on the dance floor the other night. This time you don’t respond as passionately as you did before. You both feel and look like a statue at the moment, and that’s no way you want to say goodbye to your girlfriend. Even if your only parting with her for a minute or two.

To lighten the mood, you reach down and grab a handful of her ass, causing her to give a tiny _‘eep’_. Her knee comes up and buries itself in your stomach, forcing you to double over in pain. When you look up next though, she’s grinning once more and you’re thankful that your shades hide the fact that you’re blinking back tears.

“Come on.” You wheeze as cool as possible. “Let’s get this over with.”

She steps up onto the bed and lies down on her back. You stand off to the side, sword raised and eyes closed. One stab down, just one and then your job is done. She’ll resurrect, be an awesome mega-god-ultra-warrior, and then you can make out some more. You can do this. You can do this. You can…

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

You stab downwards with your sword and…

“Hey, what are you guys doing?”

… Freeze halfway to Jade’s chest when someone speaks.

You turn to Aradia, who doesn’t appear to have spoken or noticed any voice. You look down at Jade and see your own confusion reflected in her face.

“Uh…” You begin.

“I’m down here.” The voice continues.

You look down towards your shoes and nearly pee your pants. Right there, on the ground next to your foot, is a snake about two feet long, with two sharp spines protruding from its head like antennae. It is looking directly up at you.

“What the fuck.” Is all you can say.

Jade rolls over onto her side and looks over the edge of her quest bed to examine the snake. The snake’s head swivels from side to side, first examining Jade, then you, then Jade again.

“So, what are you guys doing?” It repeats.

“I was just about to be murdered.” Jade answers, still examining the snake. Murder seems like a harsh word to you, but Jade is already speaking again before you can interject. “You wouldn’t happen to be my Denizen would you?”

“I’m the Denizen of the Land of Frost and Frogs, yes.” The snake bobs it’s head. “My name is Echidna and I- AARRRUGGHH!”

Your heel comes down on the back of the Denizen crushing it into the ground. Jade shrieks and the snake, named Echidna, continues to scream as you stomp it to death.

“What’s going on!?” Aradia is running towards you, shouting.

You give two more good stomps and pause to catch your breath. The Denizen twitches feebly on the ground before going still.

“DAVE WHAT THE FUCK!” Jade screams as she jumps to her feet.

“What is it? What happened?” Aradia has joined you now and all of three of you stand in a circle around the Denizen.

“I killed Jade’s Denizen.” You say, pointing with your sword towards the snake.

“She wasn’t a threat though!” Jade cries. “She just wanted to talk!”

“It was a girl?”

“Of course _she_ was a girl! Didn’t you hear her voice?!”

Jade continues to chew you out as Aradia stoops to investigate the dead Denizen.

“You don’t know if she was harmless or not.” You say. “She could have been waiting to digivolve or something and become a giant rage snake that would have choked us both to death.”

“Or maybe she could have just been a nice, _friendly_ Denizen who just wanted to help us! You can’t just make snap decisions like that, Dave! What if we get in trouble now because… ARADIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?”

The troll girl had just gently grabbed one of Echidna’s spines and ripped it out.

“Do you know what these are?” Aradia asks, standing up and holding the spine out for you to see. “These are needles, guys. The tips are the sharpest points in the universe!”

“Really?” You ask. “That’s cool I guess. What can we use them for?”

“Well for one, we can use them to reactivate The Scratch.”

“Are you serious? Holy shit, then grab the other one.”

“Okay.”

“NO!” Jade lunges and snatches the Denizen off the ground. “First you kill her and now you’re picking her corpse! What is wrong with you people!?”

“Fuhhh.” You groan and address your girlfriend. “Listen, Babe. That snake was put in your land for you to kill. She has needles that are used for The Scratch. And seriously, what was her problem sneaking up on us like that? She should have known better.”

“Those still aren’t reasons to disrespect her.” Jade snaps back. She’s cradling her Denizen to her chest, careful not to impale herself on the remaining spine. “And how do you know that her needles are the ones used for The Scratch? Neither Kanaya or Rose mentioned anything about that.”

“Psshh.” Aradia snorts. “What would those two primadonnas know about dangerous monsters and hidden treasures and rare artifacts? Answer: nothing. They probably thought we could we could reignite The Scratch by poking it with a stick. I always knew it would be more complicated than that and it is.” Aradia waves her needle in Jade’s face. “But we have the solution right here. It’s pointless to let these go to waste, Jade.”

Your girlfriend’s lip twists in a half pout- half snarl and for a second, you think that she might fight you and Aradia. Eventually her eyes start to glisten and she looks away.

“I fucking hate both of you.” She says, holding out Echidna for Aradia to ravage.

As Aradia removes the other spine and stows the pair away in her satchel, you approach Jade.

“Hey, Jade. You know that I only did that because I thought she was dangerous, right?” You reach out for her hand, but she moves out of reach. “Jade?”

“I’m pissed at you.” She responds. “Leave me alone right now and I’ll talk to you later when I no longer want to punch you in your stupid face.”

“Oh… okay.”

Jade sinks back down onto her quest bed and slings her rifle off of her back. There’s a certain firmness in her eyes that wasn’t there before and you guess that she no longer requires your assistance with her death. She sets her rifle on her lap, points it towards the sky, and rests her chin on the barrel.

“But just so you know.” She says. “If you ever kill something that cute in front of me again, we are _through_ , got it?”

“Got it.” You reply quietly.

“Okay, then.” She clicks the safety off of her rifle. “Love you.”

Then she blows her brains out.

As you watch her slump back onto her quest bed, and listen to Aradia hum a merry tune as she organizes her satchel, you can’t help but wonder what sort of fucked up game you all are playing. And when, if ever, it will end.

* * *

=> Be Terezi Pyrope.

You are now Terezi Pyrope.

You and your reluctant partner head down the stairs and back into the heart of the golden airship. Kanaya, your next suspect, should be the Alchemiter room, huddled over the husktop and conversing with the landing parties below. That devious little minx, she probably thinks she got away scot-free with her crime of murdering Gamzee. Well you know better. Reality is going to hit hard when it finally lands on her pretty little head.

“Freeze bitches!” Both Kanaya, who is inside, and Karkat, who’s standing right next to you, shriek in surprise when you kick the door open.“Put your hands…”

“For the love of all that is holy, shut the fuck up, Terezi.” Karkat interrupts, having recovered from the shock of watching you karate another door in half. “Jegus, what the hell is wrong with you?”

He pushes past you and enters the room. You follow, grinning a little. Karkat would probably lighten up a bit if he kicked in a door every once and a while. It’s pretty fun.

“Oh my. You two scared me.” Kanaya laughs nervously (suspicious) and fans herself with her hand like a ninetieth century southern bell. She turns in her chair. “I have some good news, Karkat. I’ve just gotten in touch with both of the landing parties. Rose and Jade have ascended to the God Tiers and both teams are nearing their respective rendezvous points.”

“Huh, that _is_ good news.” Karkat blinks. “I was totally expecting everything to go to shit almost immediately. Good job, Kanaya.”

She beams at her leader, nodding excitedly.

“And that’s not even the best part. It turns out that Jade is another Hero of Space, which makes sense considering the forge was placed in her land. Anyways, that means we can now afford to send two players to locate replacements for the new session. After we reignite The Scratch, of course.”

“Now all that’s left is to pick up those assholes and… well, attack Jack Noir’s castle.” Karkat muses, with a grimace. “Easy as pie, right?

“If we work together it should be.” Kanaya nods. “I’ve actually been drawing up some rudimentary tactics. If you have a second I’d like to go over them with…”

“Not so fast there, fussy fangs.” You butt in before the purpose of this meeting is lost. “What are you so happy about?”

All eyes are on you now. Namely, a curious Kanaya and a frustrated Karkat. You can tell that he’s still hesitant to question his second in command by the way he shifts his weight and chews his lip hard enough to draw cherry-red blood. You got to do what you got to do though.

“I beg your pardon?” Kanaya asks.

“You’re blushing like four sweep old troll girl after her first date.” You accuse. “I can taste that green tea with ginseng and honey complexion in your cheeks.”

You stick you tongue in the air and wriggle it like a worm, tasting the very thing you just stated aloud. Everyone in the room, with the exception of you, cringes visibly. Well, maybe not _visibly_ , at least not to you. But whatever, you know what you’re trying to say.

“I still don’t understand.” Kanaya looks between you and Karkat nervously.

“Just spill the sauce, woman!” You slam the tip of your cane into the ground. “Empty your soul!”

The room falls silent except for Kanaya’s labored breathing and your quite chuckles. Eventually, after a long moment of simple gaping, Kanaya clears her throat.

“I suppose… it does seem appropriate to tell you what is going on.” She looks to Karkat.

His eyes widen.

“Kan… what are you saying?”

You lean forward on your cane, eager to hear what she has to say. Are you about to get a confession? Will she break down? Will she put up a fight? Why didn’t you wait to do this until after you made handcuffs!?!

You and Karkat hold a collective breath as Kanaya smoothes down her already wrinkle-free skirt.

“Before Rose left, her and I had a discussion regarding… certain aspects of our relationship.” She says. “Specifically on where we stand in the… well, flushed quadrant.” Her hands twist in her lap like a couple of wrestling grubs. “And we came to the conclusion that there was indeed mutual attraction between us, so…”

Oh, Gog this is like pulling teeth. You wish that she’d get pass all this boring, awkward, pining bullshit so that you can get back to grilling her like a piece of raw meat. (whatever that means)

“It would seem, from an outsider’s perspective, that Rose and I are…” She averts Karkat’s gaze. “Matesprits.”

“… And?” Karkat demands.

Kanaya glances up again.

“And what?”

“Is that it?”

“What do you mean, _is that it_?”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“Well… yes. Yes it is.”

Karkat groans and looks towards the ceiling as if begging whatever higher being he believed in to smite him down on the spot.

“Kan, why would I give two shits about what you and that human do to each other when no one else is looking?” He says, rubbing his eyes. “There is way better quality shit happening right now.”

“I- bluh, uh wha… I ne- _never_ said we were physically intimate!” Kanaya splutters, scandalized. “I was merely making you aware that our relationship was confirmed.”

“So you don’t know what humans look like,” You nod towards her skirt. “ _Down there_?”

“Of course not! We kissed once at the dance, but nothing more. When would we even… why would you think… completely unprofessional!” She crosses her arms over her chest, as if shielding her rumble spheres from Rose’s prying eyes, even thought the human girl is currently miles away.

“That’s a shame, you’ll have to give me all the goods on _the goods_ when you finally get down and dirty.” You say. “Vriska never told me what kind of operating system Egbert was running.”

“Jegus Christ everyone shut up!” Karkat roars, while you cackle, and Kanaya does her best to melt. She fails though, and Karkat wheels on her. “What do you want from me? Permission? My Blessing? BOOM! There you go. Now you and Rose can do whatever you want, just remember to keep all the sloppy details confined to the people who actually give a damn. AKA: just you two, got it?!”

Kanaya nods mutely. She obviously regrets brining her new Matespritship with Rose into the light of day. You can taste that her blush has steadily increased through this conversation, so that it’s now eightfold what it once was.

“So…” She says after a moment. “Would you like to go over my plan for assaulting Jack Noir’s castle, Karkat?”

“Actually, if I may, there’s one other topic I’d like to discuss.” You cut in and tip your glasses at Karkat, hopefully giving him a pointed look.

“Sure, uh what is it?” Kanaya quickly latches onto a change of topic, slowly shrugging off the gross insinuations tarnishing her budding relationship.

“I’m just going to come out and ask.” Karkat yanks the metaphorical wheel out of your hand before you can start your investigation. “Did you kill Gamzee or not.”

Sometimes being straightforward is the best way to be. However, knowing when to be straightforward or not is a skill that not many people, especially Karkat, do not have. Accusing someone of murder and getting a straight answer, is very rare and typically not the best time for a direct approach.

“What?” Kanaya gasps. “No. No, of course not.”

“Okay.” Karkat nods. “See, Terezi. Another dead end. I guess it’s back to the drawing board.”

“Not so fast, Nubs.” You cock your head, leaning dangerously on you cane for a closer sniff at Kanaya. “What were you doing in the hours before his body was discovered?”

“I was in the computer lab, cleaning up what was left of Tavros.” She says coldly, unfazed by your proximity to her. It’s surprising what get’s her panties in a bunch and what doesn’t. “As per Karkat’s instructions.”

“We have a witness who places you at the scene of the crime.” You shoot back. “What have you got to say about _that_ , hmmmmm?”

She sighs and folds her hands in her lap once more.

“I will not lie to you. I did abandon my task with the intention of killing Gamzee. It seemed unfair to me that Karkat would not reprimand him for his actions.” She says plainly and calmly. “I opened the door to find that he’d been stabbed to death. Someone had beaten me to it.”

“And then that’s when Nepeta found you, right?” Karkat adds.

“Yes.”

He nods while you shake your head. Karkat isn’t cut out for this investigation. He’s emotionally compromised on both ends of the spectrum. He was friends with Gamzee and therefore wants to find his killer, but then again he’s also friends with all his suspects, meaning he doesn’t want to accuse any of them. How can you be expected to solve this mystery if he’s doing his best and worst job at the same time?

“Still though,” You say. “You just admitted to having murderous intentions. That’s enough to lock you up at least for a little while.”

“Is it though?” Kanaya jabs. “Since when did you lock people up for having thoughts? Since when,” She turns to Karkat with a frown. “Did you not trust me anymore?”

“It’s not like that, Kan. Of course I trust you.”

“Then why are you here?” She gestures around the room. “Why are you accusing me like this? It was obviously Aradia, Karkat. Everyone could see, despite her best efforts, that she had flushed feelings for Sollux, who, need I remind you, was killed by Gamzee as well.”

“I’m trying to cover all of my basses.” He snarls. “And don’t think, just because you’re my best friend, that you’re above questioning. You’re acting like it’s some big deal that I’m asking you some questions when I know that you would do the same in my place. Aradia is probably guilty, yes, but I’m not going to go after her again until I know that everyone else is in the clear, do you understand me?”

Kanaya leans back in her chair, arms crossed, gazing at her leader with perfect complacency.

“Of course. I understand you loud and clear, _leader_.” She says in a monotonous voice. “Anything else you want to ask me? Or can I get back to work?”

“Get back to work.” Karkat growls. “We’ll talk about our next step when John’s back.”

He grabs your arm and pulls you from the room. You hear the sound of Kanaya nosily turning her chair back around before the door slams shut. Maybe that was a little too much for Kanaya? Being harassed, mistrusted, and embarrassed all at once. Troll girls are notoriously hormonal after all. If Karkat is smart, he’ll give her some space for a while.

“So,” You say, after you and your partner come to a stop in the hallway. “I’m not ruling out Kanaya as a suspect.”

Karkat leans against the wall, leaning his head on it’s hard surface.

“She’s innocent.” He says with his eyes closed. “She would have told me if she wasn’t. I trust her on that.”

You frown.

“Are you sure.”

“Yeah,” He exhales. “I’m sure.”

You watch him for a second and fondle your cane thoughtfully.

“So Aradia, huh?” You say. “It’s just her and Equius left now, although I really doubt it was him.”

“Yeah, and… well, there’s you too.”

“Yeah, there’s me.” You admit.

Karkat sighs again and rubs his tired eyes. You’re about to suggest that he takes a nap, when he speaks for you.

“Go up to the deck and make sure that we don’t miss the meeting point. I’m going to go lie down for a bit. Wake me when everyone is back on board.” He pushes himself off the wall and stands in front of you. “Thanks for helping me with this, Terezi. We’ll question Aradia after we get The Scratch back, okay?”

“Sure.” You slap him on the arm. “It’s actually been kind of fun, you know? Hanging out with you and stuff.”

“Yeah, maybe a bit.” His face goes from a frown to almost neutral. That’s paramount to a full blown smile on anyone else. “I’ll see you later.”

“Later.”

He slides past you and you listen to his footsteps as he disappears down the hall. With a shit-eating grin and a bounce in your step, you make your way towards the stairs and out onto the deck. It’s getting pretty late in the day and the two suns are just starting to disappear over the horizon.

Tomorrow, once everyone is back on board, you’ll all face your first real challenge as a team. Whether or not you’ll succeed is not something you feel that you can accurately predict. However, as you stand behind the wheel, feeling the cold breeze and thinking of the future, you’re fully inclined to just wait and find out for yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've already mentioned in a previous note that this story is the longest JohnRose story on this website, turns out it's also the longest DaveJade story too. That's cool, right? It's also the second longest JohnVris story, but who knows how long that will be the case (wonk. I mean, wink). I'll never have the longest RoseKanaya story though. I mean seriously, "Like One Sundered Star" is over 800,000 words long! I didn't even know it was possible to count that high.
> 
> Oh well, I'll take what I can get.
> 
> Shout out to Echidna, Jade's Denizen, also my favorite character of all time. Rest in peace, never forget.
> 
> For those who comment: Should I rewrite the description of this story to make it less... I don't know, vague? It's not a very good representation of this story in my opinion. What could I put as a description that would give people a better impression of what this story is about?
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	27. ACT 3 - PART 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to parkjensen and murderousCohort for commenting.

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are Karkat Vantas. And right now you have quite a lot to think about. You won’t go rehashing old issues, but to summarize: everything you’ve been doing the past few hours has gotten you essentially nowhere.

You mean _you_ ‘you’, not the collective ‘you’ as in everyone. Some people have actually gotten some stuff done. Jade and Rose have actually ascended to God Tiers, which is pretty surprising considering you didn’t think either of them had the shame globes to go through with suicide. Maybe you should start giving them more credit?

Naw, they’re all still assholes.

Anyways, the investigation with Terezi left you just as empty handed as you were before. There was just a lot of hurt feelings and pointed fingers being thrown about, leaving you with basically two options. Accuse Aradia once more or simply drop the whole issue.

Neither sound like the best course of action. You don’t want to do either one for a number of reasons. Let’s say that you do accuse Aradia again and she does turn out to be guilty. Then what? Do you kill her? Lock her up and keep her prisoner? Or maybe you could just banish her? Lever her on LOFAF to freeze to death with the iguanas. And that’s only what you need to worry about if she’s _actually_ guilty, which you DON’T EVEN KNOW YET!

Or… you could just forget about your dead friend. You’ve lost friends before, hell you’ve lost _best_ friends before. You suppose that the difference between Sollux’s death and Gamzee’s death is that you sort of thought that you could save Gamzee. You sure did shoosh pap him out of that rage. It really seemed like you’d saved the day on that one.

But then he died anyway, like nothing you did made any difference whatsoever.

Haha. And there you were saying that you weren’t going to rehash old issues. Oh well, this is just the kind of stuff you think about when you lay on  your cot, staring at the ceiling, listening to the hum of the engines, and feeling too tired to even summon the effort to close your eyes.

 It doesn’t matter anyway, because right now Terezi’s opening the door and poking her head in.

“Hey, Karkat.” She hisses into the darkness. “You awake?”

“Mumph.”

“Hehe. Okay, well I’m just letting you know that John, Rose, and Equius are coming aboard now. I’ll tell them that you’re come up soon.” She retreats back into the hall and you hear the _tip tap tip_ of her cane as she walks down the hall.

Well you definitely aren’t going to be able to sleep now. Not with John and Jade giggling it up and Dave’s stupid face shining like a beacon of insufferable prick-ness.

You really need to stop thinking about that guy. Even when he isn’t around he still manages to get on your nerves.

You roll off the cot and onto your feet, stumbling in the darkness towards the door. There really isn’t much time for sleep anyways, not with your impending retrieval mission hanging over your head. You wonder what Jack Noir is playing at, just sitting in his fucking castle and waiting for you guys to show up instead of actively searching for you like he did before.

You might be walking into a trap, which is why it’s extremely vital that you spend the remaining hours planning stuff out.

Down the hall, up the stairs, and onto the deck you shuffle. It’s nighttime now and considerably warmer now that you’ve left LOFAF airspace once more. John is talking with Dave, Jade, and Terezi by the ladder, Rose and Kanaya are already making a bee line towards the stairs, and Equius and Nepeta are yapping together animatedly by the wheel. You wonder where Aradia is. Maybe she died and you won’t have to worry about accusing her again? However, you would also never know if she’s guilty or not.

Fuck, everything is so confusing. You wish things would just stop for a while, and by _things_ you mean everything, as in all this bullshit that you’re having trouble keeping track of in your head.

“Hey, Karkat!” John waves you over.

The human leader is soaking wet, steadily dripping a puddle of water onto the deck of the ship. In his arms is his backpack, bursting at the seams with what appears to be grist. You step over the small ocean pooling around his feet and snatch the bag out of his hand.

“What the hell is this?” You ask, rifling through its contents.

“Grist.” He confirms proudly. “You should have seen it, man. Rose’s denizen was this giant, snake, fish thing and me and Equius had to fight it, and then Rose blew it to smithereens with an awesome wizardly spell.”

“Wow. Amazing. A true legendary tale in the making.” You deadpan, passing the bag to Terezi. “Put this to good use.”

“Aye aye, captain. Hehe.” She grins and turns to the other humans. “Who wants to see how to alchemize awesome stuff, such as handcuffs?”

“Me!” Jade chirps. She’s dressed in her new God Tier outfit. A black dress with stockings and a weird double hood. You have to admit, she looks pretty _fine_ at the moment. She turns to her boyfriend. “Wanna come, Dave?”

“Eh, why not.” Strider holds up his fist to John and the two bump. Your stomach twists at such an open display of comradery. “I’ll catch you later, Bro.”

The Knight of Time shoots you a look as he follows his two romantic interests below deck, but otherwise keeps his mouth shut. You wonder if John said something to him that would quench the burning fire of mutual hatred between the two of you. That’s a shame. It was kind of your dynamic.

“So,” You motion John over to the edge of the ship, where all important topics usually seem to be discussed.  “Besides the Denizen, there was no trouble?”

“Nope. It was pretty straightforward actually.” He says, leaning against the railing. “Her quest bed was underwater,” He brushes wet bangs away from his glasses. “But that wasn’t much of a problem, not with my sweet windy powers.”

“I thought the Denizens were supposed to be asleep. What did you do wake it up? Smash an alarm clock.”

“No. She just sort of woke up after Rose died. It was really random and probably the weirdest fight I’ve ever had.”

“So far.”

“Yeah, so far.” John watches you yawn and scrub your eyes. “Still tired? Terezi said that you were sleeping.”

“Well I wasn’t.” You snap. “Too much shit going on, isn’t there? I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep.”

“Me neither.” John admits. “So what did you guys get up to here while we were gone?”

“Nothing.” You say. “Just… troll stuff. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Terezi told me that you guys did some detective work.”

You groan.

“Fucking hell, why does she always see it fit to air our dirty laundry like that.”

“She just wants to keep us all on the same page.” John shrugs. “So did you get any more solid evidence? Any clues or leads?”

“No, we didn’t. Well not exactly. I always knew that Kanaya was innocent.” You sigh. “Nepeta’s crazy enough to do it, but I just don’t know if she has the guts to go through with something like that, let alone keep it to herself afterwards.”

“Aradia didn’t do it either.” John states firmly, surprising you.

“What?” You glare at him. “How do you know that? What do you know, John?”

“Nothing. She just told me that she didn’t do it.” He explains. “And I belive her. She said that everyone’s been giving her the frigid shoulder too and that she’d appreciate it if everyone could stop looking at her out of the corner of their eyes.”

“… She said all of that?”

“Well not exactly, but she did say that she was innocent.” John shrugs. “And the rest of that I just sort of noticed, you know?”

“Whatever.” You snort and look over the edge of the ship. “Why do all these people always blow shit out of proportion? You accuse someone publicly once and now she thinks you’ve branded her with a cerulean number.”

“You mean a scarlet letter?”

“No, what the fuck are you talking about.”

“What are _you_ talking about?”

Both you and John stare at each other for a second.

“Never mind, it’s not important. Listen, John. I can’t just take your word that she’s innocent, okay? She’s my number one suspect.”

“Well I’ll vouch for her.” He states stubbornly. “When the time comes, I mean. You aren’t going to start dishing out justice now, are you?”

“No, not when we’re undertaking a serious tactical mission in the morning.” You slap the railing of the ship. “Speaking of which, we should probably meet up with Kanaya right now to go over the plan. We wanted to wait until you were aboard to do this. Mainly because you represent the humans and definitely not because you bring anything to the table. You’re problem solving skills are so bad, if you fell out of a canoe you probably couldn’t find water.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or if you’re really trying to be mean. Either way I’m just going to call you a dick.”

“That’s fine by me.”

You lead the way back towards the stairs. Damn, all this walking is getting old.

“So,” You smirk. “Rose and Kanaya are together now, huh? Sucks to be you, but as the age old saying goes: spend too long in the recuperacoon and you’re likely to miss the first game of slime ball.”

“Rose and Kanaya are together?” John repeats as you both jog below deck. “I thought they were just… in ‘like’ or something. Rose never told me that they were Matesprits.”

“Maybe she didn’t want to make you jealous.” You lead him around a corner and towards the girl’s dormitory. You’ll look there for Kanaya first. “It’s pretty obvious that you’re flushed for her after all.”

John doesn’t respond. You hear nothing but the heavy shuffling of his feet from behind you. Maybe you cut a little too deep this time?

“Look, John. It’s okay to be a loser every once and a while. You just happen to have a tendency to lean towards the loser end of the romantic spectrum more than normal.” As back handed insults go, that’s actually pretty tame. Maybe you’re going soft?

“I don’t see it like that.” He mumbles.

“What do you mean?” You ask, looking over your shoulder at him.

“I don’t see myself as a loser.” He nods forward towards something you can’t see. “I just see them as winners.”

You look where he’s indicating and see that Rose and Kanaya are talking just outside of their room. Kanaya is fidgeting over Rose’s new God Tier outfit, while Rose tries to bat her away.

“I’m serious, Kanaya.” The human girl is saying. “I like it the way it is.”

“But _why_ though? All this orange.” Kanaya tsks. “And the blue. It really doesn’t go with anything!”

“I happen to enjoy the contrast of colors, even though they go against my usual palate.” They stop talking when you and John show up. “John.” Rose beams. “It’s nice to see you too, Karkat.”

“Yeah, yeah. Everyone is happy and no one hurts.” You brush her off. “Kanaya, we should go over our plan of attack.”

“Ah, yes of course. Our time is running out, isn’t it?” She pulls a small watch from a pocket in her skirt and checks the time. “Aradia is setting up the meeting room now. We can talk in there if you like.”

You motion for her to lead the way and she does so, taking you, John, and _Rose ‘you guess is tagging along too’_ Lalonde, towards the meeting room, where all semi-important topics seem to be discussed. True to Kanaya’s word, Aradia is already inside with a canvas map smoothed across the table and a collection of random nik naks scattered on top.

“Alright,” You address all those assembled. “Everyone take a damn seat.”

* * *

=> Be Kanaya Maryam

You are now Kanaya Maryam.

At the moment, you’re hanging out with your new Matesprit, Rose Lalonde, in a makeshift war room. Your leader, Karkat, John, and Aradia are also here, although you wish they weren’t. Less people in here with you and Rose would be nice, you decide. Less people and… less clothes too.

Ever sense your conversation with Karkat and Terezi about your new relationship, you’re mind has been abuzz with rather inappropriate thoughts. Do you want to take things to that step with Rose? Does she want to? You’ve never had a Matesprit before. Your lusus was never keen on you bringing other trolls back to the hive, thus limiting your dating experience.

You sit uncomfortably in your chair, watching almost hungrily as Rose crosses her legs in her own seat, causing the slit in her skirt to part more than ever, exposing orange tights, covering inches upon inches of soft, pale human flesh. You decide that maybe you aren’t as opposed to Rose’s God Tier outfit as you originally thought you were.

“What the fuck is all this shit?” Karkat’s voice clashes horribly with your raunchy fantasies. He’s talking about Aradia’s collection of trinkets on the table.

“This,” Aradia leans forward and snatches up a grey stone. “Is you, Karkat.” She picks up a blue stone. “And this is John. You’re both going to be leading separate teams from here,” She puts both the stones representing Karkat and Egbert on the map over a curve labeled _‘mountain_ ’. “Down into the valley, where Jack Noir’s castle is.”

“Wow.” Karkat claps once, twice. “Impressive plan, I’m loving the little color coded rocks and everything. This must have taken so much time, guys. Seriously, bravo to everyone. Ice Cream sundaes and kitten cuddles on deck for all!”

“Your contributions are greatly appreciated.” Aradia growls though gritted teeth. “But if you really don’t have anything constructive to say, then you can get the fuck out.”

“Oh yeah? And leave all the decision making to you and Egbert? I think I’ll pass.” Karkat stands up, and leans over the table to snatch up the stones. “Listen. Here’s what’s going to happen. There isn’t going to be any teams. There isn’t going to be any sneaking around.  There isn’t going to be any mountain bullshit.”

“Well what is there going to be?” John asks.

“You!” Karkat jabs a finger into his chest and tosses his rock on the mountain. “Are going to fly up here and cause a distraction. Then, I’ll lead everyone else up here.” He slides the multitude of colored rocks down to the bottom of the map. “Through this pass and up into the castle.”

“I thought you said there wasn’t going to be any mountain bullshit.”

“There isn’t.”

“Then why are you sending me up the mountain?”

“Listen John, sending you up the mountain and leading a whole team down a mountain are two completely different things. One falls under the classification of _‘mountain bullshit’_ and anther is labeled ‘ _Karkat’s great plan’_.

“You’re _‘great’_ plan consists of a simple distraction/reaction combination?” Rose raises a thin eyebrow. “That seems rather predictable to me. Jack Noir will know better than to send the bulk of his imp forces to investigate a disturbance literally mountains away. Plus, I don’t think we should send _anyone_ out on their own. It just isn’t safe.”

“What if it was a really big distraction?” John asks. “And what if I was _really_ careful and safe.”

“No one is doing anything alone.” Rose states firmly.

“Then go with him, if you’re so worried about him.” Karkat snaps.

Your Matesprits lips tighten into a thin frown and she sets a shrewd gaze upon your leader. You watch on calmly, contemplating as to whether Rose’s concerns are solely based on the general welfare of her companions or just one in particular. You’ve always known that she and John have been close…

But never as close as you and her are now. That gives you peace of mind, compounded with the fact that both Rose and John are completely incompatible in your eyes. Honestly, Rose is so… and John doesn’t… He… They don’t… She has blonde hair and he has black hair. There you go.

There are so many difference between them it’s hard to keep track or even form a simple list.

“That is not the point, Karkat.” Rose says coldly. “And if you can’t see that, then perhaps your skills _are_ best suited elsewhere, as in far, far away from here.”

“Oh shit.” John leans over and whispers in your ear. “Karkat just got _faced_ hard.”

You stifle a giggle.

“Yes,” You agree. “That was indeed an impressive _facing_.”

Karkat scowls.

“Alright, Lalonde.” He shoves the rocks towards her, sending a red and jade colored stone dancing off the table and onto the floor. You guess that you and Dave are no longer a part of the plan then. _Le Sigh_. “Let’s see if _you_ can do better?”

“Very well.” Rose, stands up, retrieves you and Dave from the floor, and then lumps all the rocks together at the base of the map. “I agree that coming from down the mountain is not a preferable, since a retreat back up would be difficult and dangerous. We should all come up through the pass and fight our way into the castle. Once inside, we will move as one, first to the dungeons to locate my Mother and Jade’s Grandfather, and then to where The Scratch is being held.”

As she speaks, she moves the rocks as a group all throughout the blank space in the center of the map where the castle should be. Jack Noir, with all of his dastardly powers, has hidden his castle from technological detection. Meaning there is simply a black out on the viewfinder when you try to locate it. That, and Aradia’s pencil broke. Hence the blank space in the center of the map.

“No.” Karkat instantly shakes his head as soon as Rose is finished. “Way too much time. Do you know how long it will take to search an entire castle for The Scratch? Answer: a shit load of time.”

“Well honestly, how many places could it be? It’s one of the largest constructs in the game, isn’t it?” Rose responds.

"We have no idea how big that castle is. The less time we spend in it the better.” Karkat bangs his fist on the table for emphasis. “We need to be fast and safe and as effective a team as possible.”

“Well we can’t be all that at once, not with these plans. We’re going to have to choose the best option possible and not simply sit here discussing the way we _want_ things to be.”

“Humph.” Karkat grumbles and then turns to you. “Kanaya. You said earlier that you had a plan right?”

“Yes.” You respond. “Aradia presented it for me already.”

“Well shit.” He sighs and rubs his eyes. “I was really hoping you’d have something for me, Kan.”

“I did and it was already presented.”

“I meant something that wasn’t trash.”

For a minute or two, everyone just sits in a circle staring at the crude map in absolute silence. You’re all thinking the same thing most likely. That there is no perfect plan and that when it comes down to it; you’ll have to pick the littlest of all the evils. The slime sandwich or the slime sandwich with grub sauce. The plan that everyone can point to and say: _‘this will do’_.

Rose breaks the silence.

“What do you think, John?”

All eyes rise from the table and fall upon the man in question. He immediately becomes uncomfortable, fiddling with a button hole in his shirt and working his jaw from side the side. Everyone waits patiently.

“Spit it out, Egbert.”

Well, almost everyone.

John looks at the map, the colorful rocks, and then everyone assembled.

“Um,” He eventually proclaims. “What if we… just smushed all the plans together, you know? Combined them.”

Aradia’s eyes light up.

“Oooooh. A _super_ plan!” She seems excited by the idea, more excited than you’ve seen her about anything since… well, ever. Even at the Jive she only appeared to be mildly interested. Maybe these humans are having a positive impact on her disposition? They’ve certainly improved yours.

“Okay, John.” Karkat leans forward. “Start talking.”

It comes down to this: The golden airship will fly over the mountain and deposit explosives on the summit. Next the ship will fly down to the pass and land there. The explosive charges will detonate, causing an adequate distraction for a short period of time. When all the imps and Jack Noir are supposedly looking the other way, everyone will disembark from the ship and fight their way into the castle. Once inside, John will lead a team to locate The Scratch and Karkat will lead another to the dungeons. John will then use a shrink ray to decrease the size of The Scratch and…

“What the fuck?!” Karkat blurts. “A shrink ray? Are you an idiot, John? That’s not an insult. I seriously, want to know if something is wrong with your head. Like have you contracted some sort of parasite that eats your brain and replaces it with utter bullshit?”

“Sorry,” John mutters. “Just forget that part.”

“Wait, hold up. That actually brings up a good question.” Aradia chimes in. “Are we going to have to move The Scratch again, or can we just reactivate it while we’re in the castle?”

“Moving it again is pointless. As long as we activate it, then the game will reset.” You answer.

“Alright then, as I was saying…” John continues.

… Karkat will lead another to the dungeons, where Rose’s Mom and Jade’s Grandpa are being held prisoner. Aradia will use Echidna’s needles to reinitiate The Scratch and then everyone will meet up outside the castle, retreat to the airship, and fly off into the sunset.

**Mission Accomplished.**

“That actually isn’t that bad.” You admit. “I think it combines the best parts of all our plans. We’ll need Terezi to alchemize some explosives, Equius to pilot the ship to the mountain, and a place to reconvene after we’ve done everything. _‘Outside_ _the castle’_ seems a little vague.”

“We’ll have to wait until we’re inside the blackout for that.” Rose points out. “We can’t see anything on the viewfinder at the moment.”

“Okay, okay.” Karkat nods quickly. “So is everyone okay with John’s plan? No objections or concerns or biting remarks?”

“What are the teams?” Aradia asks.

“Hmm.” John thinks. “Well why don’t I take Aradia, Rose, Equius, and Terezi. And Karkat can take Jade, Kanaya, Nepeta, and Dave?”

“No.” Karkat responds. “I don’t want Dave.”

“And I would like to go with Karkat to find my Mother.” Rose adds.

“Fine, then we’ll swap.” John shrugs. “Is everyone okay with that?”

No one has any more objections.

“Alright then.” Karkat stands up. “We don’t have much time until morning, so we’ll have to act fast. Kanaya, go get Terezi started on some bombs and Aradia, go make sure that everyone knows about the plan. Make it quick too, we don’t have much time.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re currently leaning over the edge of the golden airship, poised to regurgitate your last meal should the need arise. You haven’t thrown up in years and you aren’t doing it right now. It’s just that the churning in your stomach urges you to be prepared.

You are going to be a part of a major heist tomorrow. Just like Val Kilmer in the movie _Heat_. But instead of running down Main Street with Robert DeNiro and an assault rifle, you’ll be charging headfirst into a castle, battling imps to find a giant beat mesa.

Yeah, just like _Heat_.

You’ve just left your meeting with Karkat and company and decided to get some fresh air. As far as you know, everyone is elsewhere, conducting various random tasks.

“Contemplating suicide?” A voice asks from behind you.

You cast a glance over your shoulder to see Rose striding towards you.

“Nope.” You lean back over the rail. “Just admiring the view.”

“That’s good. If you were looking to reenact my own dive, then I’m sorry to say that I wouldn’t be nearly as quick on the draw as you were.” She joins you at the edge.

You take a moment to figure out what she’s referring to.

“Aw, will you just let that go already.” You sigh. “It was a dumb accident and you more than made up for it by killing that Denizen on the beach.”

“Saving a worthless drunk from a pitiful tumble and killing an elderly riddle snake does not a fair trade make.”

“You’re talking bad about yourself again,” You turn to face her. “And as your leader I forbid that from happening anymore. So it was said, so it will be done.”

“So it _has been_ said, _and_ so it _shall_ be done?”

“Whatever. You get the point.” You wave your hand vaguely, brushing her off. “And that elderly riddle snake was kind of a big bitch and if you hadn’t shown up when you did, we would have been in serious shit. I say we’re even as Steven.”

“I appreciate that, John. Truly I do.” She stares out over the golden clouds, towards the mountain in the distance that is your ultimate destination. “It just feel like, with everything that’s about to happen, that I should make you aware of how much you mean to me. If that makes sense. You’ve been a good friend for so long and everything you’ve done for me greatly eclipses all I’ve tried to do for you. I just want you to know that…”

“Congrats on you and Kanaya.” You interrupt her before the hollowness in your chest becomes overwhelming. “Seriously, you guys deserve each other.”

She’s silent for a moment.

“You sound bitter.”

“Well I’m not.” You shrug and rub the back of your neck. “I’m not.”

“I asked you if you were okay with this and you clearly stated…”

“I said that it was fine. I know that. I’m not bitter or anything.” You’re rambling now. “I just said congrats. There’s no hidden meaning or subtext or microdots or anything. I like you and I like Kanaya, so why wouldn’t I love you two…” You take both of your hands and interlace the fingers. “Together.”

Rose is silent once more and you stare straight forward towards the mountain, knowing that she’s currently burning a hole in the side of your head with her gaze.

“I can think of a few reasons.”

“Like what?”

“Like the fact that _you_ are attracted to me.”

“Wh- what? Who ever said such a thing?” You need to escape. Suddenly diving headfirst over the railing doesn’t seem so unappealing.

“It’s quite obvious, John. Even from our first meeting it’s been plain to me that you’ve held a certain amount of not so platonic affections for me.”

“You’ve always known?”

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t say anything?”

“I wanted to see if you had the wherewithal to make the first move.”

You gape at her. She was waiting for you? Her. Rose Lalonde, was waiting for you, John Egbert, to… to court her?

“And you wait until after you have a girlfriend to bring this up?” You ask, maybe a little bitter now.

“She isn’t my _girlfriend_. She’s my Matesprit and if I remember correctly, you have a Matesprit of your own, who is waiting for you to rescue her from the icy clutches of death.”

“So… what you’re saying is that, because I hooked up with Vriska, you’ve moved on?”

“Well…” She shifts. Appearing for the first time to be uncomfortable. “I’m not saying that exactly. I suppose that after you and Vriska were confirmed, I was a little concerned. Maybe _concerned_ isn’t the best word.” She sighs. “If I’m being honest, I was jealous, John.”

“You.” You shake your head. It doesn’t seem possible. “You were _jealous_ of me and Vriska?”

“You have to see it from my point of view, John. I’ve lived my whole life, segregated from the unruly mob known as my generation. You and Dave were the only males that I conversed with on a regular basis and after entering the game, it became even more apparent that you and I were paramount to destined for each other.” She blows a stubborn bang out of her eyes. You resist the urge to tuck it behind her ear. “I held onto this childish belief that the leading man should end up with the leading lady, that you and I were meant to be. Then Vriska showed up, our time came and went, and now I’m with Kanaya.”

You wait for her to finish.

“I suppose what I’m saying is that the past should be left in the past.  We’ve each matured in our own right, become different people, and found soul mates outside of each other. Hell, outside of our own species.” She reaches out and presses a small hand to your cheek. “Maybe this was the way things were meant to be?”

You want to preserve this moment. You and Rose, standing on the deck of a flying boat, together as the sun just begins to rise. But alas, this is not a dramatic scene from one of your movies. You are not Cameron Poe. You are still, sadly, John Egbert.

“I want to kiss you right now.” You say quietly, pressing your face into her hand.

She pulls away. The inches between you feel like miles.

“Well you can’t.” Rose says. “I am sorry.”

She sounds like a robot.

There are footsteps behind you, people are ascending the stairs, and the moment between you and Rose is gone forever. You feel sicker now more than ever. You aren’t upset with Rose or Kanaya or even this rotten situation.

You’re disgusted with yourself for thinking that you can abandon Vriska in limbo for Rose.

Well, not really. Even if you and Rose ended up together you’d still save Vriska. Not because she is your Matesprit, but because it’s the right thing to do.  However, you are very much still connected with Vriska for the moment. You love her too. You’re supposed to. Those are the rules after all.

People are talking all around you now. Broken sentences and frustrated shouts bounce off your ears like bullets from Jade’s rifle. You feel a tug on your shoulder and turn to find that Rose is gone and that Dave is in her place, mouthing something that you can’t hear.

“Egbert! Yo, Bro. What the fuck?” He shakes you, hard.

“Wh- what?” You try to dislodge the fog from your head. “Uh, what’s up, man?”

“You’ve been standing there, frozen like a rocket pop in a snowstorm, for about thirty hours. What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.” You doubt that it’s been thirty hours. More like thirty seconds.

“Equius is taking us over the mountain now, we’re about to drop the bombs on this bitch. Are you ready?”

You look away from Dave and see that everyone has assembled around you. Aradia is holding her satchel with the needles tucked safely inside. Karkat is standing, arms crossed, next to Terezi. Equius is steering the ship, just like Dave said. Nepeta is flexing her claws menacingly nearby. And finally, Kanaya is talking to Rose across the deck. They seem to be having a good time, chatting amiably mere seconds before your mission goes underway.

Rose’s eyes shift from Kanaya’s and meet yours. Her gaze flicks away quickly.

“Yeah.” You say. “I’m ready.”

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all kicking off guys! Next chapter at least.
> 
> For those who comment: what do you think of the new description? Is it okay? Better than the first one? Worse? Should I go back to the drawing board?
> 
> Why is it so hard to write a hundred word summary when I've already written over 100,000 words of crap? I don't know, but it's pretty upsetting.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	28. ACT 3 - PART 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to terminalViscosity and murderousCohort for commenting.
> 
> Warning: this chapter is relatively long.

=> Be Jade Harley

You are Jade Harley. The sky’s awake, so you’re awake!

Or at least that’s what you tell yourself as you flop around sleepily between John and Dave as the golden airship rocks and bounces beneath your feet.

“Charges have been dropped!” A deep voice, you ping as Equius, yells from somewhere to your left.

“Alright, take us down into the valley!” Responds another voice, obviously Karkat.

The ship jolts again and you’re on the move, gliding silently down the mountain and around the enemies territory. Looking through half lidded eyes, you see nothing but clouds beyond the ship’s railing. Whoever is currently piloting the golden boat must be trying to keep you all undetected for as long as possible.

Which is good, since once the bombs go off and you start charging in, stealth is going to be the least of your worries. At least in your opinion.

“Whoa there, Harley. You aren’t falling asleep on me are you?” Dave jostles you gently with his shoulder.

“Oh, man. I’m sooooorrry.” A yawn stretches out the last word. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“What were you doing?”

“Experimenting.” You answer with a gleam in your eye.

Dave leans in close to whisper quietly in your ear.

“Ah gross, Dave!” You shove him away. “Not _that_ kind of experimenting!”

“Well then what are you talking about?!” He asks, apparently surprised by your outburst.

“My new powers, fuckass!” You shake your head as if you might dislodge the disgusting insinuations implanted there by your boyfriend. “I’ve been practicing teleportation and stuff. I’m the Witch of Space after all.”

“Really? Teleportation?” John leans in from your other side. “That sounds awesome! Can you show us right now?”

You quickly glance around the deck of the ship.

“Okay, hold on.” You find a target and focus on it. “Here we go.”

You form a box with your fingers and look through it to direct your mystical energy. There’s a flash of green light, a surprised yelp, and Nepeta’s cat hat is sitting in your lap.

“Wow.” John says.

“Cool.” Dave agrees.

“Jerk!” Nepeta accuses, running over to snatch her hat back before scampering away again across the deck.

John chuckles and your grinning like a loon, Dave even cracks a little half-smirk.

“She didn’t like that very much.” He says. “Maybe you should give her a little _space_ from now on.”

You squeal with laughter.

“Haha! Maybe I will, if I’ve got the _time_.” You respond with a wink.

John and Dave’s faces fall.

“I don’t get it.” John says.

Dave just shakes his head.

“Man,” You cross your arms. “Fuck you guys.”

“Oh, save your _breath_ , Jade.” John elbows you in the ribs and smiles. “We’re just poking fun at you.”

“Yeah, you know?” Dave nods towards his ecto-sister a few yards away. “Making _light_ of the situation.”

“Stop. Just… please.” You close your eyes. It’s not fun if you can’t do it as well as they can.

The whole ship rocks one more time and then goes completely still. It’s an odd feeling. You’re used to the subtle hees and haws of the airship as it turned with the wind. Now you might as well be standing on solid ground, which is an apt description since it’s basically what you’re doing.

“Everyone come here.” Karkat barks orders like sandwich artists dispense sandwiches, that’s to say very effectively. All the people on the ship abandon their various posts and make their way over to him near the ladder. You stay close to Dave because… _duh_. He’s the coolest cat around. “Does everyone know the plan?”

Karkat looks nervous as he asks this, as if everyone is going to say _‘no’_ and the whole mission will be trashed. Luckily, everyone nods on the affirmative. All puns and fun is gone now, replaced with this air of tense excitement and fear. This is about to happen.

“Okay, we’re just outside of this pass. Once we get through into the valley, we all head towards the castle as a group. Then…”

“Karkat, we know the plan already.” Dave snaps. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

“Fine. Fuck it! Let’s go.” Karkat shoots Dave a death glare and then turns to Terezi. “On my mark, okay?”

Terezi nods, holding the detonator linked to the bombs in her gnarled fingers. She looks like she’s about to pee with happiness.

“Three,” Karkat holds up three fingers. “Two,” One drops, leaving two behind…

**BOOM BOOM MOTHERFUCKER!**

The charges detonate and you hear the sound of thunder off in the distance followed by the many _crashes_ and _cracks_ of falling rocks.

“I said _‘on my mark’_!”

“You were taking too long!”

“Fuck it! Let’s go!”

As one, your group surges over the railing of the ship and drops down onto the sandy earth below. You’ve heard war stories that start like this. Your Grandpa himself had been at the battle of Normandy as a frontline infantryman. He’d described it as pure chaos one of the few times your bombardment of questions proved to be too much. He didn’t talk about the war much. Hell, he didn’t really talk to you about anything he did away from your island

Anyways, your whole group races forward as a wave of chaos. You can hear Terezi cackling like a mad woman and Equius giving a warrior roar. Karkat huff and puffs directly in front of you and Dave sprints at your side.

Your rifle is heavy in your hands and the metal edges seem to be digging into your palm. The ground is hard beneath your feet and the air is cold, biting at your throat as you suck in air. Everything is a flurry of sight and sound and as you dash between two walls of rock, you get a glimpse of what’s waiting inside the valley.

The castle is fucking enormous, a towering monument to Jack Noir’s ego and everything gold plated and obnoxious. That isn’t the startling thing though. What really catches your eye is the sea of black skinned imps, standing between you and your destination.

“Shit,” You hear John breathe. “That’s a lot of imps.”

You click the safety off your rifle.

“Don’t worry, John.” You grin. “We’ll get though this in no _time_ at all.”

“Oh my god. I thought we were done…”

**STRIFE!**

You drop down to one knee for better stability and fire directly into the crowd of imps in front of you. Immediately heads start popping and shouts can be heard.

“Oh shit! It’s the players!” One imp cries.

“Sound the alarm!” Another shouts.

“Tell Jack!”

“Don’t kill me! I’m a single parent!”

You drill a hole in an imp’s chest as it charges forward with an axe raised over its head. There’s a loud _screeching_ noise as Kanaya saws through two imps at once with her chainsaw and a soft _whoosh_ as John blows away half a dozen more.

“Move up!” Karkat is yelling. “Head for the castle!”

As you get to your feet, rifle cradled expertly against your shoulder and bullets flying higgledy piggledy into the imp horde, something catches your eye. It’s a disc, half buried in the sand and flashing a red light towards the sky.

You watch as Dave and Aradia move forward mere feet away from the strange object.

“Shit, shit, shit!” You lower your rifle and dart towards them. “Fuck! Dave!”

You teleport forwards, knocking into him like a wrecking ball and sending him tumbling away across the sand. Aradia steps too close to the mine and you hear a scream, a bang, and everything you see is white.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. And everything is the opposite of fine.

You could almost say things are awful, completely terribly awful.

“JOHN!” You yell so hard you think your vocal cords might snap. “HERE, HERE! I NEED YOU HERE!”

You slide on the ground next to Aradia and grab her under the knees and back. She screams when you try to lift her, so you just hold her as John floats over to you.

“Oh shit.” He gasps. “Oh no.”

“Grab Jade.” You order. “We have to get them out of here.”

He disappears quickly, almost before the words are out of your mouth. He’s the only one you can trust now to fly the wounded out of here. You occupy the time while he’s away with stuffing your hands into the gaping wound in Aradia’s chest. She screams again and grabs feebly at your arms, as if to stop you.

You know that she’s a goner, but you try to stem the flow of blood anyway. There’s nothing that you can really do but wait for her to die and then revive her with a kiss. You aren’t thinking too clearly at the moment though. You just want to help.

Another explosion shakes the ground beneath your knees and you hear more screams to your left. No one else better be dead.

“JOHN, HURRY UP!” You turn and scream at him over your shoulder. He doesn’t respond though. He can’t anymore.

John is lying in a heap next to the motionless form of Jade, a pool of blood forming at an alarming rate around their collective corpses.

“NO!” Someone yells, a girl from far away.

You need to think of something. A new course of action, since this one is obviously not going the way you planned. You should have known that the field would be booby trapped with mines. You’re an idiot for not seeing it. A worthless, stupid, moronic, miserable excuse for a leader…

Something thumps weakly against your stomach.

You look down to see that Aradia is pressing her satchel into you as hard as she can.

“Aradia.” You grab the bag. “Medicine. Is there medicine in here?”

She shakes her head.

“N- ne… Needles.” Aradia chokes.

Oh, right. The needles for The Scratch. You’ll definitely be needing these to complete your mission. You shove the bag down the front of your sweater.

You’re about to tell her to relax when something passes over your head, a shadow by the looks of it. You crane your neck to see the source and feel your heart freeze solid in your chest.

That… monster of a creature flaps its dark wings slowly, almost dreamily, as it descends to the ground. His great, wolfish head swivels, tasting the air for his enemies and finding them scattered, bloody on the sand at his feet.

“Karkat.” You turn back to Aradia as she speaks. Her mouth is opening and closing like she’s a suffocating fish and dark, maroon blood is leaking from her nostrils. “Ga… Gamzee.”

“Aradia?”

“I… Kar...”

“Aradia!”

Something slams into the back of your head and then you see no more.

* * *

=> Be Bec Noir

You are now Bec Noir. Or Jack Noir. Or Douchebag McGillicutty as your enemies refer to you as.

Or at least they would if any of them were still alive.

Well maybe you’re exaggerating too much. The majority of your enemies are actually alive and well. You order the imps to round them up as you personally clock out the one in the turtle neck. You know the one, that guy with the loud voice and short horns.

You bash him in the back of the head with the hilt of your blade and then watch as your imps drag him away with the rest of the unconscious players and trolls. It turns out that Kyle from the imp scouting team had actually had a good idea when he proposed that they load the thirty feet from the entrance of the valley up to the castle grounds with mines.

You’ll have to give him a raise, or at least not kill him the next time you get bored and want to have some fun. You owe him that much.

You look down at the dead troll at your feet. The female one with the long hair and curly horns. You vaguely remember her from the troll game of SGURB that you’d ruined prior to your conquering of SBURB. You don’t remember her name though.

You’re sort of a douche like that.

Something dark against the white sand draws your eye and you turn to see that there’s another body lying nearby. The human girl with the round glasses and the…

Jade. Her name is Jade.

You stand over her, merely watching as the last dregs of life leak from her body like the final drops from a wrung out sponge. She’s dead for good. You can see that already.

And for some reason, that fills you with a strange emotion that you can’t quite pin point. It’s like… the opposite of that feeling you get when you ruin someone else’s day. Like last week when you’d cut off that old man’s hand. The opposite of that feeling…

Sadness?

You kneel down next to the human girl. You feel something for her, a strong sense of loyalty. It’s overwhelming, like a sudden urge you sometimes get to sniff random stuff. Did you know how many different smells can be held on a broom handle? You certainly didn’t until recently.

The dog you bonded with, you realize, has given you some of its traits. Besides the obvious of course.

You reach down and scoop up the girl in your arm. She will not die today. You’ll make sure of that. Using some of your evil powers, you’ll transfer new life into her. Make her stronger and more dangerous than ever.

You’re going to make her be just like you.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently dreaming… or at least, you think you are.

Then again this is probably more of a nightmare than an actual dream. You’re eyes are closed tightly and you’re lying on a hard surface. The air is as chilled as the ground beneath you and you shiver involuntarily.

Where are you? You wonder, quickly assessing the situation before you risk opening your eyes. You remember storming up into the valley, all the imps being blasted away with your powerful spells, and then…

You sit bold upright. Hands grab onto your arms and torso and you lash out with punches and kicks, desperately trying to fight off the slimy tentacles wrapping around you in frenzy of…

“Rose! Rose, stop that fighting this instant!”

You freeze instantly. That voice.

 _That_ voice…

“Mom?” You open your eyes.

Yeah, you are definitely dreaming. This cannot be real.

And yet, there she is. Her hair which had always been so perfectly sculpted is in disarray. Her delicately applied makeup is smeared and streaked and the paint on her manicured nails is chipped. But it’s her. It’s still undeniably, completely her.

“Mother.” You cough and smooth down your skirt. “H- How are you?”

The woman you’ve spent your whole life trying to figure out, the woman whose mysterious ways and irrational expectations you’ve spent so much time trying to please, does the most unexpected thing you could possibly ever imagine.

She wraps her thin arms around you and crushes you to her chest.

“Rose.” She chokes in your ear. “How am I? Oh goodness, my darling, Rose.”

Your mother pulls back and cradles your face in her palms. You’re having trouble seeing her with your vision all blurry like this.

“I’m… awful.” She laughs, throwing her head back. “I’ve had a simply dreadful time being held prisoner, although,” She looks you from head to toe. “I’m sure that you can relate.”

“I- I think that I can.” You wipe tears from your eyes and chuckle softly, then look up into her pink eyes. Pink eyes. That’s always been an abnormality in the general opinion, but then again you can’t talk with these purple peepers of yours. “Mother, am I… dead.”

“No.” Another voice answers. “You’re very much alive, Rose.”

You turn and nearly faint when you see Kanaya crouched down next to you, her skirt ripped, her face covered with grime and sweat.

“Ka- Kanaya.” You look between your Matesprit and your mother quickly. Have these two spoken? Why isn’t your mother freaking out that there’s an alien sitting right next to her? What would your mother say if she knew you were dating a lesbian extra-terrestrial?

“Oh, so you two _do_ know each other.” You mother’s laugh is like tinkling wine glasses. “You really do have an interesting collection of friends, Rose.”

She stands up and for the first time you get a good look at your surroundings. You are in the dungeon. Your mother and Kanaya are near you, Nepeta and Equius are lying in a heap nearby, Karkat is standing against the prison bars with Terezi, and finally Dave is huddled in the fetal position in the corner.

“Kankan here says that you were trying to mount some sort of rescue mission.” Your mother continues. “Rose, don’t you know that’s foolish? I’m not worth the trouble and mounting and assault on a fortress such as this is rather…”

“Where are they?” You blurt, cutting her off and looking towards Kanaya. “John and Jade? Where are they?”

Kanaya’s head dips subtly and her mouth opens and shuts once. You already know the answer before she even shakes her head.

You fall back onto the floor, eyes closed tight to prevent anymore tears from leaking. You will not cry. You will not cry.

Two sets of arms wrap around you.

You will not cry.

You will not cry.

“Shhhh. It’s okay, Rosie. It’s alright.” You’ve waited over eighteen years for your mother to hold you like this, now there’s nothing else you want _less_.

“Stop.” You push away from her and angrily wipe the body fluids from your face on the front of your dress. “Just stop.”

You push yourself to your feet, abandon your mother and Matesprit and march directly over to Karkat. He’s leaning against the bars of the cell, moaning something awful about the world and himself and everything. You grab him by the arm.

“We need to get out of here.” You say, pulling him to face you.

He shrugs off your hand angrily.

“Well no shit, Lalonde. But that’s going to be a lot easier said than done, considering that everyone here is beaten to shit, John _‘windy powers’_ Egbert is dead, and that we’re a hundred feet underground.” He’s not his usual self. He’s deflated, like a balloon. “Do you have any ideas, Rose? Cause I’m fresh out.”

“You can’t be.” You’re vaguely aware that people are starting to group around you. “Karkat, are you hearing me? You cannot be like this right now. We need you.”

“You _need_ me? To do what?!” He turns away from you, lashing out at his companions. “What are yall looking at me for?! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M FINISHED!?!”

He leans back against the bars and slumps to the ground.

“I’m fucking finished, man.” He mumbles. “I’m so… _done._ ”

Everyone is silent. Nepeta is sobbing quietly into her coat, while Equius holds her. Dave is in the corner still. He hasn’t moved an inch.

“All that shouting isn’t going to get anything done, Sonny.” Speaks a gravelly voice from the shadows.

All eyes turn to watch an old man, with a once brilliantly waxed mustache, come shuffling into the light. He’s wearing tan pants, large, square glasses, heavy boots and an undershirt. His brown coat is tied into a sling, which is supporting a messily bandaged and bloodied stump at the end of his arm.

“If you’re going to crack under the strain, then go into the corner at the very least.” Jade’s grandpa points his good hand first at Karkat then to Dave. “Some of us still have a little fight in them.”

“Fuck off, old man.” Karkat grumbles into his knees. You don’t think anyone heard him though.

Jade’s Grandpa stumbles closer and nods towards you.

“You there, Lass. I think I heard you say something about my Jade?”

You resist the urge to cry again. You really don’t want to be the bearer of bad news to this old man, whom has already lost quite a bit.  Has he really not heard anyone else discussing the death of his granddaughter? Why does it have to be you?

“Yes.” You nod. “I know her.”

Knew her.

 “Is she dead.”

This man obviously isn’t one to beat around the bush.

“Well… we,” You turn to Kanaya. She is unhelpful. “We don’t really know for sure, you see? Things are a little complicated in that area. There’s a chance that she might be resurrected…”

“No there isn’t.” Another voice cuts you off, one you don’t recognize.

You and everyone else cast about for the speaker, eventually all eyes fall upon Dave in the corner. Had it been him that had spoken? You doubt it. Dave doesn’t sound like that.

“She’s dead.” He speaks again and this time you have no trouble identifying him as the source. Dave lifts his head. His face is completely flat. He might as well not even have a mouth or eyes for that matter. All you can see are his shades.

“You don’t know that, Dave.” Terezi says. Her cane, along with the rest of your weapons seem to have been taken. She leans against the bars of the cell next to karkat. “She could come back.”

“You didn’t see how she died.” He buries his face in his knees, much like Karkat. “It was heroic.” He says. “So fucking heroic, you don’t even know.”

Well that settles it then. Gods, such as Jade, can only die under very specific circumstances. Heroic or Just. Just or Heroic. It doesn’t matter.

Jade is truly dead.

The old man shuffles over to Dave and taps him on the head with a knuckle. Dave looks up, as impassive as ever, into Jade’s Grandpa’s face.

“You look like a tough bloke to me.” The Grandpa says. “You and Jade must have been good chums. If she were here, would she give up hope?”

Dave looks away.

“There is no hope though, Pops. Everything is finished, didn’t you hear shouty over there?” His shoulders slump. “Jack Noir is going to come down here and kill us soon, and by the time that happens…”

Your ecto-brother suddenly stiffens as if hit by an electric charge.

“Time.” He says, and then suddenly he’s on his feet. “God damn! I am a fucking idiot!”

“Don’t use the lord’s name in vain.” Grandpa chides.

“Oh stow it, Gramps. I’m having an epiphany here.” Dave strides quickly up to you. “I’m going, Rose. Back in time to stop her from dying, or to at least kiss her back awake.”

“Will that work?” Terezi asks. You notice that she, along with everyone, even Karkat, seem to be interested.

“I don’t know.” Dave answers. “But I’m sure as hell going to try it.”

“You have to be careful though.” You warn, even though you feel excitement swelling in your chest.  “Time Travel and Alternate Timelines are messy work, Dave. You don’t want to get in over your head with this stuff. You need to try impacting as little as possible.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, don’t try going back in time to prevent us from ever playing this game, or even back far enough to stop Bro from being brainwashed. A change that big in the timeline would destroy the whole universe.”

Dave blinks.

“Shit, why didn’t I think about doing that.” He face palms. “Alright, I promise that I won’t try to change anything too drastic. I’m just going to prevent my gf from dying, okay? And John too, if I can.”

“Fine.” You nod. “Please be careful, Dave. Remember what I said about Time Travel being messy.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” He spins his hands and turntables materialize before your very eyes. “Get everyone ready to go. Once I save Jade and John, we’re busting you guys out of here, understood?”

“Alright.” You watch him disappear.

The room falls into silence once more, now that the excitement seems to have left along with Dave. There’s a tap on your shoulder.

“Well, Rose.” Your mother smiles. “While we wait, why don’t you introduce me to all your lovely friends? I certainly never expected you to be _this_ popular.”

You stifle a groan.

“Mother,” You take her by the arm, pulling her away. “You’re embarrassing me.”

Although, at the moment, you’re finding it hard to be truly upset with her.

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. You’d much rather be traveling through time like a total badass than dead or wasting away in a dungeon a hundred feet underground.

Speaking of which, is the dungeon really that deep? Or was Karkat just being a drama queen?

Probably the latter. Man, fuck that guy.

You appear with a small _pop_ on the deck of the golden ship. It’s deserted completely and you can hear the sound a battle waging on nearby. Things must already be kicking off over there, your friends dying and your mission going to shit. You better hurry.

With the speed of an accomplished ninja, you vault over the railing of the ship and set off at a jog towards the castle valley and the bloodbath within. As you near the scuffle, everything falls silent. The explosions and screams stop, leaving you with that horrible silence that only accompanies a brutal battle. In some ways that’s more deafening than any land mine.

You creep up to the entrance of the valley and peek around a boulder. There really are a shit load of imps milling about outside castle. As it turns out, the explosive distraction on the mountain really wasn’t that effective, especially on those many enemies. It’s doubtful that you would have made it into the castle even without the mines.

Whose fault is this? You wonder. Whose master plan led you into a trap? You know whose fault you want all of this to be. Karkat of course, but a small part of you wonders if maybe John should take some of the blame too.

He is your leader after all.

On the ground, scattered everywhere, are your friends and family, some dead, all motionless. As the imps start to collect and drag them up into the castle, you notice something very odd, something that no one else appears to have seen.

Two pink turtles dash out onto the battlefield from a crack in the ground, grab John’s corpse, and drag him away. You watch in awe as your friend disappears below ground. You really hope that turtles don’t eat him. That would be a shitty thing to explain to Rose.

You’re considering running out to grab him when you see Jade.

She’s a bloody heap on the ground. You’re beautiful Jade, discarded like a broken doll.

You’re halfway out of your hiding spot when Jack Noir descends from the sky. He examines Aradia, then Jade.

Then the bastard actually reaches down and touches her.

Your toes dig into the ground and you push off, charging directly towards him. There’s no way in hell that you’re letting him take her. No way in…

Something tackles you from behind and pins you to the ground. You twist, trying to kick your attacker off of you, so that you can continue your attack.

“Jesus, dude. Chill the fuck out.” The person pinning you says. “Listen to me, man. You really don’t want to run out there.”

You stop struggling and roll over to get a good look at the newcomer.

“What the hell?” You demand, glaring upwards. “What are you doing here?”

“The same thing you’re doing. Trying to fix everything.” You answer, glaring downwards.

“Get off me.”

“Only if you promise not to run out there like a total retard.”

“Fine, I promise.”

You get up and allow the first you to stand, dusting the sand from his red suit. You look at you for a second, and you can tell what the first you is thinking before he even opens his mouth.

“So, care to explain?” You ask, throwing your hands on your hips.

“Well,” You begin. “I was you, right? And I ran out there to save Jade from Jack Noir. It turns out though, that Jack Noir isn’t going to hurt Jade or whatever, but actually _save_ her. If that makes any sense.”

“I call bullshit.”

You point over your shoulder and you turn to see that Jack Noir is flying up towards the tallest spire of the castle with Jade in his arms. You and You watch on as green lights start to erupt from the spire like fireworks, so bright that you almost blink behind your shades.

“She comes back to life.” You explain. “And then gets thrown in the dungeon with everyone else.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I chased after him, got captured, and put back in prison. She’s fine, a little… different, but fine.” The other Dave explains.

“Okay, but she’s still in deep shit no matter what.” You point out. “We have to bust everyone out of there.”

“I know. That’s why I came back in time, man. So let’s go do it.

“Yeah.”

“NO!” A third voice shouts suddenly.

Both you and you turn around to see another you and you sprinting towards them. The two new yous come to a stop right in front of you, breathing heavily and leaning on their knees. The first you and the second you wait patiently for the third and fourth you to catch their breaths.

“You- you guys don’t want to do that.” One says. His jacket is missing and his shirt and tie are ripped. “As soon as you guys get to the castle, yall get swarmed by imps.”

“Yeah,” Agrees the other. “It’s like a festival of impy rumpus up there, just waiting to tear you guy’s new assholes like giant hole-punchers.”

You and second Dave exchange glances. Well shit, now what are you supposed to do?

“Okay then.” You say. “If we can’t just run in there, why don’t we try to find another way in? Maybe we can sneak in through a window or something?”

“We’ll have to search the grounds.”

“Psshh. No problem, man. Call me the search master.”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

“WAIT!” Another voice stops you before you can even take another step.

First you, second, third and fourth you, all see four more Dave’s come charging in your direction. They come to a screeching halt before you, and pause to gasp for air. This group is even more torn up to the last, with one limping pretty bad and another bleeding profusely from a gash above his eye.

“You guys do not wanna go wandering around these grounds looking for a secret entrance.” Gasps one of the new Dave’s. “There are so many imps and traps, you would not believe.”

“Yeah,” Adds another Dave, the one with the limp. “Have yall ever seen a six foot long mouse trap before? Well, fuckers, guess what’s behind that rock over there.”

You groan and slap a hand to your forehead. This is totally not going to plan in the slightest.

“Okay,” You rub your hands together and examine your assembled crew. “Why don’t we…”

“YO!” You don’t even get the words out this time, before another group of Dave’s come charging up. “You don’t wanna do that.”

“How about…”

“NO!”

“We could…”

“PLEASE, NOT AGAIN!”

“Why not…

“STOP IT!”

“You’re stepping on my foot.”

“No, that’s _my_ foot asshat.”

“I can’t breathe!”

“Then how are you talking?”

“Will everyone please be quiet?”

“ _You_ be quiet!”

“Everyone back the fuck up!”

You shove a few of yous out of the way and clamber onto the nearest boulder, using a few other yous as stepping stones. Once you’re on the higher ground, you gaze out over the sea of Dave’s steadily filling up the area between the golden airship and the castle sod. The flow of Dave’s doesn’t seem to be stopping either, more and more groups, multiplying larger each time, come jumping over the edge of the ship to join the previous group on the sand.

Things are quickly getting out of hand.

“Hey!” You cup your hands around your mouth and try again. “HEY!!!”

The chattering of voices comes to a slow stop and silence falls upon the horde of blonde-headed, shade wearing, red-suited, insufferable pricks.

“Everyone!” You shout. “Listen to me! Has _anyone_ gotten inside the castle yet?!”

A group of about thirty Dave’s near the edge of the mob raises their hand. One Dave near the very middle of the ocean raises his hand too, but his neighbor quickly shoves it down with a shake of his head.

So you suppose that the thirty yous over there have been the most successful, since they’ve gotten in the castle, and therefore closer to your friends.

“Okay!” You continue. “What was your guy’s plan!? What did you do!?”

 The group of Dave’s in question huddle together and after a few seconds of deliberation, raise a single Dave onto their combined shoulders. He shouts to you.

“WE GOT JOHN TO HELP!”

Oh shit. John is still chilling with the LOLAR turtles in their damn hidey hole. You’d forgotten all about him in all this excitement. If the consorts saved him, they must have known he’d resurrect somehow. You look back over the crowd towards where you remember the crack in the earth to be.

“Hey, do you guys remember where that crack was?!” You call.

“I got a crack for you right here, Buddy!”

“Put your pants back on, Dipshit!”

If you get through this, it will be a miracle.

“IT’S HERE!” A voice shouts. “THE CRACK IS HERE.”

“Where’s _’here’_?”

“Right here!”

“Be more specific!”

“EVERYONE STOP YELLING!!!”

The crowd falls silent once more. You jump down from the boulder, climb over a few Dave’s, and touch down on the ground once more.

“Make a hole guys!” You start pushing your way through the crowd. “I’m coming through.”

“I got a hole for you right here, Buddy!”

“Will someone shut that Dave up!?!”

You spend the next ten minutes or so fighting your way though the horde, every once and a while calling for the Dave who located the crack. Some of the yous are in really bad shape, other are practically unscathed, and others are just downright douchebags.

As you squeeze yourself between two Dave’s, you accidentally bump into another.

“Sorry.” You say, trying to get around him.

“It- it’s alright…” He responds quietly

You do a double take.

“Dude, are you… crying?” You ask.

“No!”  He turns away quickly. “I’ve just got some of this shitty sand in my eye!”

“Alright, alright. My bad.” You quickly abscond from that situation.

Eventually you make your way to your destination.

“Alright, Dave.” You say, stumbling over to him. “Where is the crack?”

Wow. You never thought you’d say that out loud. Ever. Like for all time.

“Right here.” Dave responds and points towards the hole in the ground that you saw John disappear into earlier.

“Rock n Roll. Good times.” You give him a thumbs up and kneel down next to the hole. “He’s probably going to freak the fuck out if he sees all of us at once. So I’ll just go down by myself, okay?”

“Apparently he was pretty cool when those Dave’s talked to him.” Dave says, pointing in the general direction of the thirty Dave’s that already recruited John in an alternate timeline or a future timeline or a past timeline or… something. You have no idea.

“Really? Huh, maybe I should get one of them to talk to him, since they’ve probably had a similar conversation with him to the one that I’m about to have now.”  You straighten up. “Speaking of which, did John not die completely or what? I’m pretty sure I saw him kick the bucket earlier.”

“Psshh. I don’t know, dude. I’m part of the newest batch of Dave’s. This shit is all new to me.”

“Shouldn’t it be old to you instead? Since you’ve been me and all these other Dave’s before?”

“Nope. I don’t remember any off the stuff after going back in time to save Jade.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh.” You’re going to stop trying to understand anything about this situation. “Well, I guess I’ll go grab one of those Dave’s that talked to John earlier. Try to keep other me’s away from the hole, okay?”

“You got it. This hole is on lockdown. It’s like a Fort Knox inside of a bigger Fort Knox on the moon. No one is getting inside. It’s locked up tighter than a Nun’s…”

“Alright, I get it. I’ll be right back.” You start pushing your way back to the crowd, a little frustrated to have to go through this again.

“This is it.” You realize. “This is my hell.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means that you’re dead… yet again. What is this, like the fifth or sixth time? You really need to work on your self-preservation skills.

In your mind’s eye, you can picture both Jade and Aradia, each lying motionless in their respective pools of blood. This is all your fault. You and your stupid plan which totally didn’t work for shit. Everyone was counting on you to deliver and you failed them.

You remember flying towards Jade, then a puff of sand and a white hot flash of heat. Somehow you’d managed to trigger another bomb mid-flight, like a total idiot. But then again, maybe that’s not such a bad thing, taking into consideration that dying a hero is what _really_ gets you killed.

So you’re back in limbo again, for the meantime at the very least. You’ll come back to life soon, but then what? You’ll probably just get killed for real by Jack Noir then, and tossed into a mass grave along the rest of your pals.

Damn, you really hope all your friends aren’t dead. That would most definitely be the worst.

“Hey, John.” A voice says from behind you.

“Hey, Aradia.” You say, turning to face her.

She looks a little sad, floating there in the void. You want to give her a comforting hug, but you don’t really know how to maneuver without any gravity or wind and you don’t want to look like an idiot by trying to flail your arms or whatever.

“So… I guess this is it, huh? We’re dead.” Aradia sighs.

“Well. I don’t really know how dead I am, since, you know, God Tiers and stuff.”

“You think you’ll come back like Jade?”

“Maybe, I don’t know for… wait did you say Jade came back?”

“Yeah,” Aradia points somewhere over your shoulder. “She was here for a bit, but she disappeared before we could really talk. I think someone revived her.”

“Oh, well that’s good then.” You breathe a sigh of relief. “What about you though? Maybe I can bring you back too?”

“I don’t think so, John. I’m pretty sure that it’s the end of the line for me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

The world quickly descends into awkwardness, as you both float helplessly in oblivion. You wonder where Vriska is? You’re kind of hoping to see her before you disappear. Over in the distance you can make out something that vaguely resembles a castle, but then again it might just be a fever-induced stress mirage. You don’t really know what to believe anymore and honestly, you’re fucking sick of castles.

“John, if you do come back to life, can you do me a favor? It’s actually pretty important.”

“Sure.”

“You need to tell Karkat that I…”

You wake up, before she finishes her sentence.

The first thing you see when you open your eyes is… rather hard to believe. You have got to be dreaming, there’s no way that you’re currently in a cave, surrounded by a group of pink turtles, all looking at you with round eyes and slack jaws.

“Uh…” You begin, unsure where to start. “Can you guys give me something to read?”

None of the turtles move. Maybe they can’t understand you?

“Jesus, Egbert. What the hell are you talking about?”

“Dave!” The turtles back away when you sit up, grinning with joy to see your friend alive and well. “What are you doing here?”

“Taking care of business, as per usual. You have a nice nap, Buddy? I hope so, because I’m about to drop some heavy shit on you.” Dave is leaning against one of the cave walls, the epitome of suave. “But first, what’s that shit about reading?”

“Oh, Haha. I heard somewhere that a good way to check if your dreaming or not is to ask for something to read.” You explain. “It’s not possible to read in a dream.”

“Now that’s bullshit. You can totally read in dreams.”

“Maybe, I’ve never tried it before until now.” You climb to your feet, a little unsteady with dizziness. “This really isn’t a dream, is it?”

“I’m afraid not, Bro. There is absolutely zero chance that you’re about to wake up in a second, surrounded by warm blankets and cool breezes on a beach in Tahiti. This is real life, where all our friends are captured, about to be tortured, and then murdered for Jack Noir’s sick amusement. The friends that are still alive at least.”

“Aradia is dead.” You say solemnly. “She was going to tell me something about Karkat, but I woke up before she could finish.”

“It doubt that it was important. She was probably about to say _‘tell him that I love him’_ or something equally stupid. I don’t understand troll romance at all.”

“She specifically said that it was important though.”

“Yeah, to her. I’m telling you, John. You don’t want to get mixed up in that girl drama, okay?” Dave moves from the wall and grabs you by the lapel. “There’s better-quality shit going on right now and I need you to focus. Your leadership skills are about to be put to the ultimate test.”

 “Dave,” You try to push his hand away. “I don’t think I should be your leader anymore. I sort of fucked up big time… again.”

“Nonsense, you’re the only person I can trust right now who isn’t under lock and key.” He tightens his grip on your coat. “I seriously need your help here, Bro. Need I remind you that the fate of the entire god-dammed universe depends on whether or not we save our friends?”

“No. I got that part.”

“Okay, then. Now listen closely. This is where things get complicated…”

Five minutes later, you climb out of the hole and join Dave on the no man’s land between the golden airship and the castle grounds. Everything is just like Dave explained it would be and yet, you’re still wildly unprepared for what you see above ground.

“Hey, it’s Egbert.”

“Sup, Bro.”

“Dude, how’ve you been?”

“Did you really die again? You seriously need to work on your self-preservation skills.”

“Guys look, it’s John.”

“Has he come to help?”

“No he’s come to kill us all, Dumbass.”

“No need to be a dick… Dick.”

You simply stand there in the middle of the mob of Dave’s, completely unsure of what to say or do.

“Uh… Dave?” You turn to find the version of your best friend that had accompanied you out of the cave is nowhere to be seen, or has at least blended in with the rest of the Daves. You sigh and speak under your breath. “I think I’m ready to wake up in Tahiti now.”

“John.” One of the Dave’s steps forward. “I think you should get this crowd under control, before more of us start show up.”

“There are more of you?” You groan. “Why? Where are they coming from?”

“Most of us just keep screwing up and going back in time to try again, accidentally bumping into past versions of ourselves along the way,” Another Dave tries to explain. You really don’t understand. “Although a few of us don’t really remember any of that.”

“It’s like I popped up from know where.”

“Like a beautiful rose in a garden full of weeds, fighting our way towards the precious sunlight and life-giving rain.”

“Alright, everyone stop talking for a second.” You say holding up your hands in a placating manner. “Which one of you is the alpha Dave? Or the original one?”

“That’s me.”

“No, it’s me.”

“Guy’s I’m pretty sure that I’m the original Dave.”

“It’s totally me, John. Don’t listen to him.”

Okay, well that obviously isn’t going to work. You need to establish some system of order or at least a chain of command. The words of the first Dave you talked to float through your mind like drift wood down a stream.

You need to be a leader.

Thrusting your hand into the air, you call upon the LOLAR winds to lift you off the ground, above the head of every Dave in and outside the valley entrance. A hundred thousand pairs of shades all look up at you with varying degrees of mild interest and ironic concern.

“Alright, listen to me… uh, Daves!” You call, as loud and commanding as possible. “I’m pretty sure that all of you know the situation at hand, so I’ll just skip to the good stuff! We have to get into the castle and save our friends! Now I know that none of you have really been that successful at all, but maybe if we all work together we might actually have a chance! So here’s what’s going to happen, we’re going to storm that castle, kill every imp we see, save our friends, and reignite The Scratch!”

“I’m going to kill Jack Noir!”

“Yeah!”

“Me too!”

“Not if I kill him first!”

You send a strong breeze through the crowd, silencing all the various cries for vengeance. That’s pretty cool, you wonder if that would be effective at shutting Karkat up too. Speaking of Karkat, he’ll probably just explode when he sees this many Dave’s in one place.

“Once our friends are safe and the game reset, you guys can do whatever you want!” You yell. “But until then, try not to do anything stupid, like fight a winged, wolf, king beast without a weapon!”

“What are we waiting for?!”

“Come on, let’s kill some shit!”

You blow another quick breeze before they can get started again. They are obviously ready. There’s no point in postponing this anymore.

“On my mark!” You float around so that your facing the castle and begin to count. Towards the base of the fortress, you see thousands of clueless imps milling around, somehow completely unaware of the ruckus happening just over a hundred yards away. They are about to be fucked up. “One! Two! Three! Go!”

All the Dave’s surge forward as one, thundering across the ground with what sounds like a thousands upon thousands of footsteps. They’re all screaming and yelling and cursing and you just fly above it all, hammer in hand and heart pounding in your chest. This is the most intense thing you’ve ever been a witness to, and you’ve had sex with Vriska Serket!

This better work.

**STRIFE 2.0!**

Explosions boom below you and you sigh heavily when you look down to see the crumpled forms of dozens of dead Dave’s flying through the air. You’d forgotten to warn them about the mines. Shit, you are probably the worst leader that has ever lived.

No, wait. Fuck those guys, they should have known about the mines. Most of them have been through this before. You just hope that not too many Dave’s die. Average people tend to be sentimentally attatached to their best friend, and do not wish to watch them die over and over and over again.

However, that’s exactly what happens.

You drop down outside the castle gates and slam your hammer into the ground. Powerful gales of wind scoop up nearby imps and toss them toward the heavens. A few Dave’s get caught up too, much to your displeasure. You decide to be a little bit more careful with your attacks from now on.

All around you are the sounds of battle, Dave’s wrestling weapons away from imps and imps hacking, slashing, and blowing they way through multitudes of Dave’s. The battlefield quickly descends into a blood bath.

“There’s too many!” You hear an imp shriek.

“Call out the big guy!” Another cries.

The big guy? You have a good guess on who that is and you have no intention of sitting around here and waiting for him to show up. You raise your hammer and with a few extra gusts of wind behind it, blast the castle gates off of their hinges with one good swing.

Without waiting for you to get out of the way, Dave’s being pouring into the main hall and you are swept along with them in the most bizarre crowd surf of your life.

“Hey, man!” One Dave calls from below you. “This could be going a lot worse, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess- LOOK OUT!” You watch as a bullet plows through that Dave’s forehead. He falls and get’s trampled under his companions.

More bullets whiz from over head and you look up to see that imps are stationed all along the upper balconies inside the castle. Down in the main foyer, these Dave’s are sitting ducks.

You push off the crowd and fly up towards the ceiling blowing gusts of wind towards the snipers and sending them tumbling away, often down to the mob below, where a few are literally ripped to shreds. You try not to listen too closely to the screams or look down at the mass of swirling red and black blood.

As you reach the ceiling at the highest part of the castle. You see it.

The Scratch is just outside of a gleaming, multicolored skylight, resting on the very roof of the castle. Of course, that’s one of the only places it could go, considering that the Beat Mesa is too big to fit through a door.

You blast up through the skylight and alight atop the giant disc. You’ll need Echidna’s needles to reinitiate it, but for now, you’ll settle for getting it the fuck away from this castle.

You block out the sounds of the battle below and focus, building up more and more powerful winds that swirl around you in a furious spiral. Your jacket flaps madly, and not for the first time you miss your God Tier hood. This whole sequence would be infinitely more badass if you were wearing that.

Gradually, the Beat Mesa starts to shift.

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are now Jade Harley. You see a bad moon arisin’.

You see trouble on the way.

Don’t come around tonight, well it’s bound…

“Jade.” A hand slaps against your cheek with a sharp sting, interrupting your pleasant dream featuring CCR. “Jade, wake up.”

“Fuh, wha?” You moan and stretch. “Wh- where am I? What’s going on?”

“Open your eyes, Jade. You’re safe right now.”

You do as your told, since it seems like a reasonable request. You blink once, twice, and the room comes into sharp focus. Immediately, you notice that something is wrong.

“I can’t see.” You say, rubbing quickly at your eyes. “I can’t… I can’t-“

“What?!” It’s Karkat. He’s leaning over you and gripping your arm like a vice. “What are you talking about?”

“I can’t see… colors.” You finally manage, blinking repeatedly as you examine your surroundings.

Sure enough, it’s as if a switch has been flicked, removing all colors from existence and leaving nothing but greys, blacks, and whites. You can see Karkat, Rose, and an older woman that you guess is Rose’s mother huddled over you, but absolutely no color whatsoever.

“Ah,” Rose says with her hand stroking her chin. “That makes sense.”

“What makes sense?!” You snap, slowly rising into the sitting position. “That I’m now color blind? What happened? I thought I was dead!”

“You were, but allow me to explain. After you died, we were taken here to the dungeon. Jack Noir brought you down here too shortly after. Apparently he was heavily influence by Bec’s soul, and therefore saved your life by transferring some of his life energy to you, along with some of his characteristics.”

“Like color-blindness?” You ask, incredulously.

“And then some. Hehe.” Terezi giggles, poking her head between Rose and Karkat. “Nice ears, you little furry!”

“What the hell are you talking…” You reach up and brush the top of your head.

Then you scream at the top of your lungs.

“Calm down, Pumpkin. It isn’t that bad.”

“What do you mean it isn’t that bad!?” You shriek at your Grandpa. “I have dog ears on the top of my head, you old coot!”

Wait a minute… Pumpkin? Grandpa?

You’re grandfather’s face breaks into a wide grin, so familiar, yet wildly missed at the same time. He barely has his arms open wide enough before you slam into him.

“Oh my god!” You press yourself forcefully into him, as if he might absorb you like an ameba. “You’re alright!”

“Well most of me is, you see?” He chuckles and raises his bloody stump to eye level.

You gasp.

“Papa, I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault now, was it?” He wraps his good arm around you. “And I can see that you’ve taken a few licks yourself there, Hon.”

He nods towards your left hand and you wriggle the nubby fingers there with a giggle.

“Yeah,” You smile dumbly. “I guess we’re just a couple of cripples now, old man.”

You would be content to hang out with your grandpa in this dungeon for the next several hours, getting used to your new dog characteristics and getting reacquainted with the situation. However, the universe has a different plan, as it always does.

Everyone looks towards the ceiling as a loud _crash_ is heard.

“Someone’s coming.” Kanaya says.

“It might be Dave.” Rose responds, and then turns to you. “He traveled back in time a while ago to try and set us free and prevent you from dying.”

“It could also be Jack Noir.” Karkat points out, always the optimist.

“Or it could be Dave _‘fucking’_ Strider.” Drawls a voice you would know anywhere.

All eyes turn to see your boyfriend come sauntering up towards the prison bars with a hefty sack slung over his back.

“Dave!” Rose rushes over. “You did it!”

“Hell yes I did. What did you think? That I’d totally over complicate everything and almost ruin my life? Psshh. Where’s your faith Lalonde.” He unlocks the door with a key and throws his sack onto the floor. “Raided the armory on the way here. There’s all of your weapons. Now if we hurry up and get the hell out of here, then we might escape before Jack Noir shows up.”

“How did you manage to get past all the imps?” You ask, stepping forward for a quick hug. “It’s good to see you by the way, babe.”

“You too.” He responds. Behind you, you hear your Grandpa mutter a quiet _‘babe?’_. You’ll have to deal with that later. “It’s kind of a long story, but the quick version is that there’s over a hundred thousand me’s upstairs fighting against the imps and Jack Noir. I came down here alone so as not to freak you guys out, but you’ll really have to face the music eventually.”

Everyone is silent for a moment, but eventually Terezi speaks.

“I call bullshit.”

“Nope.” Dave holds up his right hand. “Honest to Gog truth here, Honey. Now let’s go.”

Weapons are returned to their rightful owner and everyone makes preparations to attempt fighting their way out of the castle. You have no intention of letting that happen.  You’ve lost enough people today and the absence of Aradia and John from your group has not gone unnoticed by you. You’re not going to let anyone else get hurt.

“Everyone wait.” You say, stopping everyone in their tracks before they’ve even stepped out of the cell. “I have an idea.”

“What is it, Harley?” Karkat snaps. “We really don’t have time for this.”

You make a box with your fingers, backing up against the far wall so that you can see all of your companions between your fingers.

“You’re right, Karkat. We don’t have time.” You focus your energy. “So we better make use of some space, huh?”

Rose’s face goes from confused to panicked in the time span of about one second. She knows what you’re going to do.

“Jade!” She shouts, but it’s too late.

You teleport all of your friends away, towards the nearest safe place possible. With a flash of green light, you’re left alone in the dungeon.

“I’m sorry, guys.” You say to no one. “But it’s better this way. Now you have a chance to actually winning.”

They can regroup and come back for The Scratch after they’ve gotten a better plan worked out. What’s important is that they’re someplace safe for the moment.

Now if only you knew exactly where that was. In hindsight, you probably should have been a little more specific with your destination. They could be safe, one cell block over. Or safe, all the way in LOHAC. You’ll be able to focus and pinpoint their location at a later time, when you aren’t worried about making your own escape from this castle.

You lift your rifle to shoulder height and rush out of the cell and towards the stairs. Your brow is slick with sweat and you’re a little worried that teleporting such a large group… wherever they went, might have been a little too taxing. Regardless, you don’t think you’ll be doing anymore teleporting today.

At the top of the stairs you bump into Dave.

“Whoa shit. I guess you weren’t joshin me about the hundreds of yous thing.” You comment, peeking around him to see a dozen other Dave’s packing the hallway beyond.

“It’s more like a hundred thousand. And are you really surprised? I’m an honest guy after all, Babe. You should know that by now.”

“Oh really? Honesty and irony are sort of on different ends of the spectrum, last time I checked.” You shove past him and start to plow through the rest of the Dave’s.

“Hey! Where’s everyone else?” Dave calls after you.

“I’ll explain later. Let’s just get out of here!” You lead the way up the stairs and towards the main foyer.

All the Dave’s thunder up the steps behind you, making various shitty jokes and disgusting comments that make your skin crawl. In no time at all, you lose your temper.

“Will you all just shut up?!” You snap, turning to face them abruptly. “For the last time, I’m not sleeping with all of you at once! Not now! Not ever! And stop talking about my ass! It’s making me very uncomfortable!”

All the Dave’s stare at you blankly, and then look away with a flurry of muttered apologies. You huff and turn around again, charging back up the stairs.

“I told you that she wouldn’t go for it.” You hear one Dave say.

“Just give her time. She’ll come around.” A second responds.

You roll your eyes and ignore them. At the top of the steps is a set of double doors. You shove through them and step out into the main foyer. You scream.

The entire floor is covered in a fleshy, bloody carpet of… Dave. Everywhere you look, you see another one of his corpses strewn nonchalantly from wall to wall. In the very center of the massacre, stands the one and only Jack Noir.

“Stop.” He says in a voice as piercing and dark as his blade.

“Jade run!” All the Dave’s yell in unison and race towards him only to be cut down as quickly as they arrive.

You tear your eyes away from the blood bath and start leaping over bodies in your path as you fix your eyes on the smashed castle gates. The exit is only fifty yards away from you now. If you just put a little pedal to the metal you can get there it in no time.

You make the mistake of looking over your shoulder at Jack Noir and the skirmishing Dave’s. Except, there are no more Dave’s, just Jack Noir standing upon a pile of fresh corpses.

“Stop.” He says again, unfurling his black wings and streaking towards you.

This is it, you realize. There’s no way in hell that you’ll be able to lift your rifle quick enough to blast him. He’s going to impale you on the sword of his and then it will truly be lights out for you. Or at least that’s what you think. It seems rather silly of him to resurrect you just to kill you again. But honestly, your mind is too clouded by fear to think clearly.

“Gotcha!” Something slams into your side and suddenly you’re airborne.

For a second you think that Jack Noir has caught up with you. Then you feel the warm arms your middle and see the blue blazer pressed against your cheek.

“John?” You ask more out of surprise than anything else. You wrap your arms around him tightly.

“Hold on, Jade.” He says. “And try not to look down. We’re about to be in a chase!”

You have to agree with him. It’s unlikely that Jack Noir will give up his pursuit just because you’re now flying. You wonder why John would tell you not to look down though. You’ve never been afraid of heights before.  However, when you cast a glance towards the ground below, you understand why.

You bury your face in your ecto-brother’s shirt and squeeze your eyes shut, anything to avoid looking at the mounds of corpses, each unmistakably your boyfriend, stretching as far as the eye can see.

**END OF ACT THREE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there it is. The end of Act Three. The next chapter will pick up immediately where this one left off and hopefully answer some of the questions yall might have. 
> 
> This chapter is the longest one yet, at over 10,000 words. So for those who comment: Do you prefer longer chapters like this? Or do you like shorter chapters that can be posted more quickly? I'm starting my first year of college this Monday so the frequency of my updates MIGHT drop a bit. Emphasis on the might, since it probably won't change at all.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	29. ACT 4 - PART 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to murderousCohort for commenting.

=> Be Jade Harley

You are Jade Harley. And you raaaan. You ran so far away. You just raaaan. You ran all night and day.

You couldn’t get away! :D

Or maybe you can? That’s still left to be decided after all.

“Can’t you fly any faster, John?” You ask, peeking over his shoulder to see that Jack Noir or Bec Noir or whoever, is still hot on your tail (no dog pun intended). “I’m not trying to sound demanding or anything. I’d just rather not die at the moment.”

“I’m trying.” John replies through gritted teeth. Beads of sweat are sticking his long bangs to his forehead and his glasses are in serious danger of slipping from his nose. “I think I’m losing power or something.”

“You’re not a goddamn light bulb, John. You can’t lose power. Just put a little more… _oomph_ into it or something.”

“Those instructions are really vague!” John dips suddenly, taking away whatever response you have along with all the air in your chest.

He’s streaking towards the ground now. You feel the wind tug and pull at the skin on your face and you resist the urge to squeeze your eyes shut behind your glasses. At what seems to be the last second, he pull up and streaks down the rocky pass that will take you back to the golden airship.

With a large amount of effort, you suck in a breath and speak.

“We won’t lose him on the ship. It’s too slow.”

“I thought he couldn’t detect the ship because of it’s paint.”

“He can still detect it with his eyes though. Seriously, that thing is like a giant ass off the end of a firefly.” You try to dissuade John from going to the ship. “Listen, we can leave it, lose Jack Noir, and then come back for it later we don’t need…”

“We can’t leave it.” He cuts you off, rounding a rocky corner at breakneck speeds.

You hear a long _scrape_ as Jack Noir’s black wings trim a few inches off the side of the rock walls. He’s not giving up. He’ll bash his way through this whole mountain to get to you, sort of like the way your heart is threatening to explode from your rib cage right now.

“Why can’t we leave the ship?” You ask and immediately get your answer as John streaks back into open sky again.

The ship is below you on the sand, no longer golden but a light grey. To you at least. The other difference is that there is now something resting on top of the deck. You fail to resist letting out a long, loud groan.

“Are you fucking serious, John?” You ask. “I mean, this isn’t some joke, right?”

“I didn’t know what else to do!”

“How about not crush our boat with a giant disc! That sounds pretty good to me!”

The whole Beat Mesa is resting atop the ship, completely covering every inch that had once been open to the sky. You seriously doubt that ship was built to carry that sort of weight or to even support it for an extended period of time. You can see that the ship has already sunken a few feet into the sand.

“I tried to carry it, but this is as far as I got.” John explains, descending towards The Scratch. “Turns out this shit is really heavy. Jack Noir must be really strong to carry it all the way from LOHAC.”

“Let’s not compliment him while he’s trying to kill us.” The pair of you land on the mesa, on top of the ship, and you stumble out of John’s arms. You’re still feeling a little weak from your mass teleportation earlier.

“Since when did you get so snarky?” John questions, furrowing his brow. “How long was I dead? And… why are you wearing dog ears?”

“I’ll explain that later.” You hear a hard _crunch_ as Jack Noir breaks through the pass. “Right now, let’s deal with him, okay?”

“Right.”

**STRIFE!**

You turn from John and raise your rifle towards the sky, firing short, accurate bursts towards the winged monster. He dodges them all completely. He’s either really fast or you’re really out of practice, which is unlikely since you’ve done nothing but run, shoot, and dance since you’ve entered the game.

Jack Noir dodges around another barrage and lands with a heavy _thud_ on the Beat Mesa. The whole ship rocks dangerously under the added weight and you stumble to regain your balance. John’s quick to swing his hammer at Jack Noir’s head, only to be blocked by a quick swing of a sword.

You strafe to the left trying to get a clear shot on your target as both John and Jack Noir continue to exchange swift, powerful blows. This fight is only going to end one way, with both you and John dead if you don’t think of something fast.  Jack Noir is just too powerful.

A quick block and kick combo from Jack Noir sends John sprawling across the mesa. Jack Noir raises his sword, poised to deal a killing blow and you leap forward to shield your friendleader. Your eyes are shut tight, so you don’t know for sure when the blade will pierce your heart. You just wait.

It doesn’t come.

You open your eyes a fraction of an inch and squint at your arch-nemesis. He’s hesitating, holding his sword above his head like some sort of frozen gargoyle. Rose’s words from before flood back into your mind.

“He won’t hurt me.” You say, more to yourself than to John. He responds anyways.

“What do you mean?” John gets to his feet and dusts himself off.

“Bec is still in there somewhere, I think, and since he was loyal to me, so is Jack Noir.” You glare into Jack Noir’s ghostly white eyes and speak in your most commanding voice. “Go away.”

He doesn’t move.

“I said go away, you… you piece of trash!” You shout at him.

He still doesn’t move.

“I don’t think he’s going to do what you say, Jade.” John says warily from behind you. “Maybe Bec’s soul just balances out with Jack… Whoa!”

John is forced to duck as Jack Noir tries to take a swipe at him over your shoulder.

“No!” You shout, holding your arms out to cover John more completely. “Bad dog! Very bad!”

Is it just you or is Jack Noir starting to whine quietly. He certainly looks a little more submissive, with his sword lowered and his wolfish ears drawn back against his massive head. You swallow heavily and take a bold step forward.

“Go away.” You say again. “You’re an unpleasant person and nobody wants you here.”

“Whoa there, Jade.” John snorts from behind you. “Way to really bring the pain. Remind me not to piss you off ever again.”

“Shut up.” You growl, literally you growl like a dog. Jack Noir retreats a half step. “Yeah, that’s right keep going! Further!”

He takes another step.

“I said further, fuckass!”

He takes one more step back and then John lunges forward. A gust of wind threatens to knock you over as it barrels past you, striking Jack Noir and sending him flipping, wolfish mug over heel towards the rocks. John’s quick to act next, apparently knowing that he’s done nothing but buy you both some time.

“He’ll be coming right back. I only just sent him over the mountain.” John grabs you by the arm and steers you across The Scratch. “See if you can get under this thing and get the ship started. I’m going back into the castle for everyone else. Where are they? The dungeon?”

 “No one’s there anymore I teleported them to safety.” You answer quickly.

“Really?” John’s eyes widen. “That’s awesome can you teleport us away too?”

“I don’t know. I’m a little weak now.” You admit. “I don’t even know where I sent them exactly. I just know that they’re safe.”

“Well get the ship started anyway. There’s something that I need to do.” He turns and without another word flies off back towards the castle.

“He better get back fast.” You grumble to yourself as you examine The Scratch. “Or else I’m leaving without his windy ass.”

That’s not true. You won’t leave him.

John had told you to get underneath The Scratch and onto the actual deck of the ship so that you can get it started. This sounds incredibly dumb to you, since you’ve already decided that the airship can’t take off with something this big sitting on it’s back.

You check your… magical gas tank or whatever and find that you still have a few dregs of Spacey power sloshing around inside of you.

Wow. That’s a weird metaphor.

Anyways, you don’t have enough juice to teleport you and John away with The Scratch, but you might have enough to work some different magic. You look through your fingers at the surface of the Beat Mesa between your feet and focus.

You haven’t had the chance to practice this yet, you’d been more interested in teleportation than anything else associated with your powers. But as the Witch of Space, it’s your job to actually _manipulat_ e space, whether that be bending it to travel long distances instantaneously or reducing the amount of space an object takes up.

In a flash of green light, you shrink The Scratch.

The now uncovered deck rises up to meet you and you crash down on your hands and knees, painfully aware that you probably should have gotten off of The Scratch before you shrunk it. There’s a soft _clatter_ as the disc lands next to you. It’s about the size of your average CD now. You snatch it up and store it and your pocket, before dashing towards the wheel of the ship.

“Come on, John.” You frantically jab your finger into the ignition button. The ship hums to life. “Come on, John. Where the hell are you?”

You scan the skies for your ecto-brother, but he’s nowhere in sight. Damn that friendleader. He better not be risking both his and your life over something stupid. You specifically told him that all of your friends were no longer in the castle, but somewhere safe. Why would he need to go back?

A dot appears over the rocks and your heart swells until you see a pair of black wings silhouetted against the sun.

“Barnacles.” You breathe ruefully, grabbing the wheel and steering the ship up and away. It rises from the sand, much too sluggish to escape the nimble Jack Noir.

John isn’t here, Jack Noir is quickly closing in, and you didn’t even get to say goodbye to Dave before you sent him away.

Well, one of him anyways. All the other versions of him seem to be dead.

Maybe you can use your persuasion over Bec to get Jack Noir to back off for a while. It’s your best bet of getting out of here when John shows back up. If he didn’t die while he was away that is.

“Where are you dammit!?” You ask the heavens.

“Who me? I’m right here.”

You turn to find John alighting on the deck of the ship behind you. Tucked under his arm are two identical pink turtles. Rose’s consorts from the Land of Light and Rain.

“You went back for turtles?!” You shriek, furiously spinning the wheel and pointing the engines towards the castle. “There’s no way we’re going to get out of here, John. Not after you took forever going back to save a couple of dumb turtles.”

“What’s the matter with you?! These turtles are totally awesome. They saved my life.” John gets defensive. “Besides, they’re cute, right? You like cute things.”

“Turtles are _not_ cute.”

You crane your neck, trying to get a look at Jack Noir. You spot him closing in from behind. He’ll be on you again in a matter of seconds.

“Hold on to something, guys.” John says, raising his hands above his head. “I’m about to give us a little _oomph_.”

The wind picks up again, and before you can even shout, you and the whole ship are blasting forwards at an incredible speed. The sun, rain bow sea, and white sand, streak by you in dull lines and you’re sure that if you could turn your head, you’d see Jack Noir and his stupid castle disappearing into the distance.

* * *

=> Be Bec Noir

You are now Bec Noir. [Note to MLP Mike: Insert line about Bec Noir being a douchebag here.]

The players have escaped, every single last one of them, and what’s worse is that they took The Scratch with them. Today is not a good day to be you.

You fly back to the castle grounds, over the thousands of corpses littering the sand. They’re copies of that one human. You know the one, that guy with the sunglasses and the inexcusable arrogance. There had been a lot of them running around when you’d flown down to help your imps defend the castle.

You’d cut them all down quickly enough. They were weak and slow compared to you, most of them weren’t even armed. You’d thought that you were unstoppable, that the players were really on their last leg, and that victory would soon be yours.

Little did you know that it was all a ruse. While you were distracted your hostages escaped somehow and their leader took The Scratch and flew away on that stupid ship of theirs. Jade is on that ship too. You can still smell her familiar scent, faint but still firmly stored within the memories of the dog you bonded with.

You can still smell her. Therefore you can still find her.

“Excuse me, sir.”

There’s something poking you in the knee. You look down to see that it’s Kyle, the imp who had the idea to bury the mines in the sand.

You like Kyle.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but what should we do now? The players have escaped and we know not where. Should we go to the third castle in the Land of Frost and Frogs?” Kyle asks.

You shake your head _‘no’_. You’re tired of castles and that whole plot device was used up over twenty chapters ago. No, you’re not going to sit and wait for the players to come to you again, because there’s a good chance that they won’t. This time, you’re going to be coming to them.

“Stay, Kyle.” You say. “You’re in charge.”

Kyle’s eyes widen into dinner plates and you turn, flap your wing,s and ascend into the sky. You’ll follow Jade and her scent all the way to the ends of the universe, because when you find her, you’ll find The Scratch, and the rest of those miserable players too.

You aren’t out of this game yet.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re currently flying on the golden airship, bound to nowhere, with your ecto-sister and a pair of LOLAR turtles.

All in all, you’re not impressed with the current situation. You’ve seen worse.

“Alright, so care to explain what happened back there?” You say, crossing your arms.

“I could ask you to do the same thing.” Jade replied folding her arms as well and leaning against the wheel of the ship. “Didn’t you die? Why did you save those turtles? How did you find The Scratch?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast there, Scruff McGruff.” You say, holding up your hands in a placating manner. “You explain your side. Then I’ll do mine. I did ask first after all.”

Jade heaves a heavy sigh and then kicks angrily at one of the turtles as it tries to hug her leg.

“Keep that thing away from me and take a seat. This is going to take a while.”

You and Jade sit down on the deck of the ship and then she begins to talk. She explains dying and then coming back to life in the cell, where Rose explained her canine transformation. Jack Noir had saved her life by giving her some of his powers, and therefore, some of his traits. The dog ears and color blindness would take some getting used to, along with the subtle urge to scratch herself. Jade then repeats her earlier claim, in which she teleported all of your friends to safety somewhere.

“Speaking of which, I should probably try to locate them now, huh?” She said, digressing for a moment. “I’m a little tuckered out from all the excitement, but maybe if I focus…”

Jade trails off and squeezes her eyes shut, pressing the tips of her fingers into her temple. You wait patiently. You don’t want to disturb her because it’s actually rather important that you locate your pals, also what she’s doing right now looks a little painful and she’s sort of developing a short temper at the moment, one which you’d prefer not to contend with.

After a long while of concentration, meditation, and quiet whistling. Jade opens her eyes.

“Oh, well that’s not good.”

Welp. That’s the last thing you wanted to hear.

“Why?!” You lean forward. “What happened? Where are they? You didn’t send them to an alternate dimension full of evil, flying horses, did you?”

“Horses? John, what the hell are you blabbering about?”

“Trust me, Jade. You do _not_ want to bump into a flying horse unawares. It’d be all kicking and neighing and flying around. They’d tear you to shreds.”

“Did you sustain brain damage at some point during the battle or something? If not,” Her fist clenched on her knee and she spoke though gritted teeth. “I’m seriously considering giving you some.”

“Alright, time out.” You form your hands into a letter ‘T’. “What’s got your got your knickers all twisted? Are a few fleas caught in your fur?”

“That’s it. I’m going to kill you.” She stated matter-of-factly “And it’ll be a Just death too, since you’re being a total fuckass right now.”

“Fine. I’m sorry.” You say, rolling your eyes towards the heavens. “Now where are our friends?”

Jade wrings her hands and chews her lip for a moment, apparently lost in thought. Eventually, she speaks:

“They’re about four hundred kilometers straight ahead and one million three hundred and thirty-three kilometers up.”

“Up? What are you talking about?” You crane your neck upwards, as if expecting Rose and Dave to be chilling on the moon and waving at you. That’s stupid of course, since you can’t see people on the moon with your naked eye.

Also it’s daytime.

“They’re currently on a meteor exactly one million two hundred and four miles away, that’s if we just go towards them in a straight line, of course.”

“Oh, _of course_. Since cutting out that turn makes such a big difference.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just cool to know the exact distance between stuff now, you know? It’s part of my new Spacey powers!” Despite the rather unfortunate scenario, Jade seems happiest when discussing her new abilities.

“Alright, well just teleport them back.”

“I can’t.”

“And why not?”

Jade’s eyebrows furrow again, her good mood evaporating as quickly as it came. You wonder if her new dog genes affect her hormones too, creating dastardly mood swings. That really sucks if it’s true. You’ve known girls to already be pretty volatile as it is.

“I don’t know, _John._ For a lot of damn reasons.” She starts counting off on her fingers. “I can’t see them, therefore it’s hard to pinpoint their current location. They’re really fucking far away, therefore it would take a lot of energy. I’d be moving them from one specific location to another specific location, namely us, instead of one specific location to an unspecified location, therefore that would be hard.”

She pauses to suck in a breath.

“Also, the energy that I expended already, teleporting them away and shrinking The Scratch, has taken a lot out of me, John. I don’t know if I have enough juice left to move a paper clip right now.”

You take a second to consider her words. There’s a lot of stuff that you don’t understand and some that you do. The basic information bleeds through though, all of your friends are far away and you have to get The Scratch to them somehow.

“Wait, hold on. How can you be losing power? I thought that we weren’t like light bulbs or whatever.”

“I can get weak from over exerting myself. Our powers are different, John.” She gestures vaguely around her. “You can use the wind whenever you want because it’s literally _everywhere_. Do you know how hard it is to bend space?”

“No.”

“I didn’t think so.”

You sigh and flop back onto the deck, looking up towards the stars and where you’re friends are supposedly waiting. A thought strikes you.

“They haven’t… like suffocated or anything, have they? Last time I checked there wasn’t any air in space.”

You hear a dull _frump_ as Jade joins you on her back.

“I intended to send them somewhere safe, therefore they are safe. Somehow, someway, they are alive.”

“Well, I guess that’s good to know then.”

“Yeah.”

You both lay in silence for a while, thinking similar things. Is everyone really okay? Will Jack Noir catch up with you again eventually? Can this ship even fly into space? You certainly can’t and you doubt any air bubble that you could make would last the whole trip. There are a lot of questions swirling in your head, so you decide to ask someone smarter about it.

“I don’t know much about this ship.” Jade answers after you voice your concerns. “But I think that it should be safe to take it into space, we’ll have to stay below deck the whole way though. And as for Jack Noir… I really don’t know. I’d like to think that he’d just give up already.”

“He seems like a pretty determined bag of douche.” You point out. “And if we can take this ship out there, what are we waiting for?”

“I don’t know.” Jade shrugs. “Maybe I’ll wake up in a second and find out that this whole thing has just been some twisted nightmare.”

“If I had a nickel for every time I thought that...” You say and then sit up with a groan. “Let’s get things moving, shall we?”

“Alright.”

You help Jade to her feet and she returns to the wheel, pointing the ship upwards and setting a course for a meteor over a million kilometers away. She talks as she works.

“So, John. Are you going to tell me everything that happened to you now?”

“Might as well.”

You tell her about dying, meeting Aradia, and coming back to find that the turtles had pulled you out of harm’s way. Apparently all the consorts in all the lands are like your best buddies. You hope that you’ll get to see your salamander friends again. You know the ones, the little family with the comfy couch and the cabinet full of booze.

You both get a little solemn when you mention the army of Dave’s and you fail to mention watching all of them die in rather gruesome ways. It’s best for you not to sour her already questionable disposition with such depressing things.

“I did send one Dave with everyone else.” Jade says. “I don’t know if he was the alpha Dave or not, but at least he’s safe.”

“Yeah I guess that’s good.” You wonder what Dave was thinking, multiplying himself like that. Of course, there could only be one left standing. Having multiples of the same dude would totally ruin the dynamic of your group. “So yeah, anyways. I found The Scratch and tried to carry to safety, but then I only made it to the ship before I dropped it. Then I went back for our friends and bumped into you and… I guess that’s it.”

“Hmmm. Sounds like a wild ride.”

“Pretty wild, yeah.”

“Do you think anyone will believe us when we get out of here? I mean, like normal people from earth.”

“Not a chance.” You look over the railing, towards where the ground is slowly growing smaller and smaller. “So how long do you think it will take us to get there?”

“Psshh. I don’t know. I’m the distance lass, not the time lass.”

“I don’t think you’re a lass anymore, Jade. With those ears, you’re more of a… pup, or something.”

“Shut up, John. You aren’t helping.”

“What the yiff? Where did the turtles go?” You look around for your pink companions. They’ve disappeared. The must be already making themselves at home below deck.

“I don’t know,” Jade answers with another growl. “But you better stop making furry and dog jokes this instant.”

“I can’t help it, Jade. You know that I’m barking mad.”

“Fuuuuuuh!”

The air grows thinner as you ascend higher into the stratosphere or whatever. You never paid much attention is astronomy. Eventually, you and Jade leave the wheel and go below deck. You find the switch for the stairs and activate it, sealing off the top deck and locking the pair of you below. With the Alchemiter and all the grist you got from killing Rose’s denizen, you should have enough supplies to last the trip, however long it takes.

“What do we do now?” Jade asks.

“I guess we just wait.” You answer.

**END OF DAY ONE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raise your hands if you didn't see that coming? No one? Well, alright :/
> 
> I recently jump started another one of my stories on Fanfiction.net. It's called The Mask of Responsibility and it's a Spider-Man fic that can be found on my page here: [Shazam!](https://www.fanfiction.net/~mlpmike) along with some other stories. The reason I'm mentioning this, is because "John: Try to Understand" is written in second person, first tense. While all my other fics are written in third person, past tense. And switching between the two really fuck me up >:?
> 
> Anyway, I'll manage somehow. This next act, ACT 4, is really going to cover a great amount of time. Namely, the three year separation between John's group on the ship and Karkat's group on the meteor. There are going to be some interesting twists and some cool payoffs, at least in my opinion. I hope yall like it too.
> 
> Thanks for reading. This note is too long.  
> \- Mike


	30. ACT 4 - PART 2

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde

You are currently in the process of yelling.

“Jade!”

It’s too late though, your prison, your friend, and your sense sight all disappear at once in brilliant a flash of green light. One second, you’re trapped in a dungeon, and then the next you’re buried underneath a pile of squirming, shouting, furious troll.

“What happened?!” You identify you’re makeshift blanket as Karkat. “What was that?!”

“Stop shouting. You’re like five inches away from my head!” Another voice, Terezi, responds.

“Get off of me, you’re crushing my spleen!”

“Oh, forgive me. I didn’t see you there.”

“Where’s Jade? I dare say that young Lass has given us the slip!”

“English, old timer. No one understands what the hell you’re saying.”

“Jade certainly did something,” Kanaya chimes in, somewhere to your left. “And judging by the change of scenery, I have a good idea what.”

You struggled underneath Karkat’s writhing form and expose your head to open air. Well, you’re certainly no longer in that castle. Hell, you aren’t even in LOLAR or any other of the four lands for that matter. If you had to guess of your initial impression, you’d say that you were in space.

That’s right, space.

“Oh, Jade.” You sigh. “What have you done?”

Everyone spends the next few minutes or so getting disentangled from one another. You’re mother was caught at the very bottom of the dog pile and you assist her in standing up.

“Thank you, Rose darling.” She says, brushing dirt from her dress and then rubbing a spot on her lower back. “I’m afraid I’m starting to feel my age. Haha.”

“That isn’t funny.” You respond.

“Well… no. I don’t suppose it is, is it?” Your mother looks down on you, but unlike she did before.

The woman you grew up with, (not _‘raised by’_ , there’s a big difference), looked down on you in both the literal and metaphorical sense. Everything you did was either _‘silly’_ or _‘little’_ in her eyes.

_“How are those silly stories of yours coming, Rose?”_

_“I see you’re wearing that little sweater you made, Rose._ ”

Now though, she’s looking at you with a sort of… apprehension. As if she’s unsure who, or what, exactly she is dealing with. Maybe she sees the coldness in your eyes, the unimpressionable hardness that wasn’t there before, but came along with eldritch monsters and suicide. Or maybe right now she sees that you currently uphold the dominant side of the relationship.

She is in your world now. A world of monsters and magic and aliens. If she’s going to survive, it’s only going to be through your skills and knowledge, not her money or her high society shenanigans or even the endless supply of liquor which served as an escape from whatever hell your birth seemed to bring upon her.

If past you could talk to present you, she’d ask why you aren’t happy right now.

You should be elated. For once in your life you hold the power and she’s left looking at you, asking for _your_ approval. You should be over the moon with happiness.

Currently though, you’re on a meteor and you feel nothing but tired.

“Does anyone know what’s happening?!” Karkat is pacing frantically in circles. “Does anyone have a plan?! Who’s in charge now?! Is it you?!” He reaches out and grabs you by the sleeve. “Are you in charge, Rose?!”

You slap his hand away.

“Get a grip on yourself, Karkat. I’m no more in control of this situation than you are at the moment.” You turn to Kanaya. “Although, I belive that you and I have come to similar conclusions concerning Jade’s actions and our new setting.”

“What did she do?” Dave, or… one of the Dave’s asks. “Is she alright? What happened?”

“She teleported us away.” Kanaya answers simply. “Somewhere far, _far_ away by the looks of it.”

“Why would she do that? How can she possibly expect to fight her way out of the castle alone?” Equius speaks up, although quietly, and he remains positioned off to the side. Apparently the defeat and capture of your group did more to hurt his ego than anything else.

“She’s not alone.” The Dave says. “There’s about a dozen me’s waiting up the stairs and about a million more on the ground floor. It’s like someone called a convention for all the most badass, coolest, mother fuckers in the universe to get together and jam. Sucks that yall weren’t invited, but then again, it’s sort of a private affair.”

“I’d appreciate it if you watched your language, Sonny. There are ladies in our presence.” Jade’s Grandpa pats Dave’s shoulder and nods around the group.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t touch me, gramps, and got yourself a little up to speed. Most of these _‘ladies’_ have bigger balls then a Great Dane with testicular cancer.”

“Now that’s just plain old insulting. I don’t care if you’re taking a piss or not, Junior. I won’t have that sort of rubbish around here, and especially not around my Jade.”

“Who the hell are you? My fucking dad?” Dave crosses his arms, the epitome of teen angst. “And take a look around, wind bag. You see Harley chilling out anywhere nearby? Nope, me neither. If you turned up you’re hearing aid, maybe you’d hear some of the important stuff being discussed. Such as the fact that we’re currently in _space_.”

“Now, you listen here,” Grandpa Harley steps forward, good hand pointing into Dave’s chest.

You intervene.

“Stop it, both of you.” You put a hand on each of their shoulders. “We can’t afford to fight amongst ourselves right now. We have to get our bearings and find a way to return back to LOLAR so that we can actually find Jade.”

“I agree.” Kanaya says. “Even with the army of Dave’s at her back, she’s still in grave danger. Not to mention that The Scratch is still there as well, ready to be reignited.”

“What happens if Jade reignites it while we’re out here?” Terezi asks, her mouth twisting into a good imitation of a question mark.

“She won’t be able to.” To your surprise it’s Karkat that answers. He reaches down the front of his sweater and pulls out Aradia’s adventurer’s satchel. “I have the needles right here.”

“All the more reason to reason as quickly as possible.” You shoot Dave a final scalding glance, making sure that he doesn’t cause any more trouble, before turning to the group. It’s time for you to try out this leadership stuff. Who knows? It might actually be kind of fulfilling. “I propose that we scout the immediate area for any landmarks or constructs that can aid us in our mission.”

“What’s the likelihood that we’ll find a working space ship out here?!” Karkat raises his hands and spins in a circle. “And how would we even know which direction to fly even if we found something like that?! Face it guys, this is hopeless! We’ve lost! Everything we’ve done up to this point has been completely pointless! Repent! Repent!”

He sinks to his knees and then rolls onto his side, curling up like a decapitated worm. Everyone stands around him in a jagged circle, watching the former leader as he just lies in his own misery.

“I second Rose’s proposal.” Kanaya eventually says, raising her hand.

You shoot her a quick smile.

“Thirded.” Your mom also raises her hand.

You blink in surprise. Is ‘Thirded’ even a word? You’ve certainly never heard it before and you’ve spent most of your childhood pressed between the pages of a book like a dried leaf. Regardless of whether or not your mother requires the invention of words to support you, the effort is appreciated.

“Fourthed. Hehe.” Terezi laughs.

Alright, you need to get moving before this gets out of hand.

“Fifthed.” Dave adds helpfully.

“Alright,” You clap. “Equius, take the trolls over behind that hill.” You point towards a large, grey cluster of stones. “Do not walk so far as to lose sight of that hill. We do not want anyone to get lost.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Equius motions with his hand and Nepeta, Terezi, and Kanaya follow after him, leaving Karkat in the dirt.

“Mr. Harley.” You turn to Jade’s Grandpa.

“Just Harley’s fine if you will, young lady.” He responds with a warm smile.

“As you wish, Harley. Would you please stay here and watch over my mother and…” You nod towards Karkat. “Him.”

“Oh, no. Rose, I’m coming with you.” Your mother joins your side. “It’s not safe for you and this young man to go off alone.”

“This young man happens to be your genetic son, by the way.” Dave smirks. “Sup, name’s Dave Strider. You can call me Badass McGillicutty or D-Strides if you want.”

Your mother looks between Dave and you a few times.

“I’m sorry, Rose, but what is he talking about?” She asks, quizzically.

“I’ll explain later.” You turn and grab Dave by the arm, dragging him away. “In the meantime. You are staying here. We will be back shortly.”

“Oh… well. Alright. Be careful!” Your mother shouts after you.

 You and Dave disappear behind another cluster of rocks and find yet more rocks in your path. This entire land mass which you’re currently residing upon seems to be entirely composed of grey stones, varying in different sizes from sand sized grains to enormous boulders. Judging by the terrain and star-laced, cloudless sky, you can assume that you are not anywhere that you’ve been before or probably would have been if not for Jade’s intervention.

You have a sinking feeling that you’re very far away from where you once were.

“You should make an effort in the future to not be so antagonistic.” You say, breaking the silence between you and Dave.

“Is this why you broke up the humans and the trolls? So you can chew me out?” He responds with a huff. “Cut me some slack. I’m tired, hungry, my girlfriend and best friend are probably dead, and we’re stuck on this rock probably for the rest of our lives.”

“We’re all in the same situation, Dave. That doesn’t give you an excuse to pick fights.” You hike up your skirt as you ascend another hill of rock. “And with Mr. Harley of all people? I would have thought that you’d show a little more respect for your Matesprit’s guardian.”

“Okay, first off: Jade is my _girlfriend_. Not whatever weird, alien love square that Karkat’s always babbling about. Secondly, Indiana Jones back there totally started it. Just because he’s old as time itself doesn’t mean the he gets to tell me what to do.”

“Still, maybe you might try taking the high road for once? Who knows, you might actually find the view to be quite nice.”

“Oh like you can talk about the high road. You’ve been giving your mom the cold shift ever since you bumped into her. Talk about respect, amirite?”

You stiffen.

“That’s a completely different matter entirely.”

“Sure.”

“It _is_.” You affirm. “And I highly encourage you to avoid speaking of topics the like of which you know nothing about.”

“She’s my mom too.”

“No. No, she isn’t.”

Silence descends upon the pair of you then, heavily laden with the potential for another sibling spat to break out. You wonder if John and Jade get along better than you and Dave do. Not to say that it’s always rain clouds and dog bites between you and your ecto-brother, it just seems like more often than not, you find yourself somewhat annoyed with his antics.

“You don’t have to be all moody, you know?” Dave speaks suddenly. “I was just exaggerating when I said that John was dead. Last I saw, he was still up and kicking.”

“Hmmmm.”

“I mean it. He’s probably fine. You know him, nine lives and everything. It’s not easy to get rid of, Egbert. You know that. He’s like… cancer or something. He keeps coming back.”

“I wish that you would stop talking.” You don’t enjoy him making light of serious diseases, even if he is trying to raise your spirits. Seriously, he’s mentioned cancer twice in the last ten minutes. Maybe he needs some new material.

“I’m sorry. I’m just… working everything out right now.” He admits.

“Jade sent us away to keep us safe. You said it yourself; she has an army of Dave’s by her side to help her escape. If John is really alive then they’ll find each other. They’ll be alright and we will rejoin them shortly.”

“That’s not it. I trust you on all that stuff, well almost.” He shakes his head, reaching up to squeeze the bridge of his nose. You wish he’d take off those shades for a while. He’d be much easier to read without them, but then again, maybe he’s well aware of that fact. “I’m not sure of… a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

“Like whether or not Jade is actually safe… with me.” He admits quietly. “Not with me, me. I mean, the other me’s. I don’t know how well the fight is going, but last time I looked… I was sort of losing.”

“The imps were pushing your army back?”

“Well no, they were just… killing me. Like really easily. I saw a lot of me’s die, like so many that you wouldn’t believe. Once we got inside, I practically ran all the way down to the dungeon to get away from…” He swallows hard. “The screams… or whatever.”

You’re interest is piqued. What are the psychosocial impacts of watching oneself die over and over and over again? How must it feel to know that you might not be the original Dave, but a copy, or even a copy of a copy? Has the Dave you spent so long, loving, hating, playing with, fighting with died on the battlefield, leaving this… one, in his place?

These are questions burning in your chest, which you don’t have the heart, or the will, to ask presently.

“You’re presence there will be nothing but a catalyst for her success. Whether or not your army fights effectively, they will not impede her in the slightest.” You reach out and put your hand on his shoulder. “Whether you believe in yourself or not, what you did back there was very brave and was instrumental to our release.”

“Jade would have teleported you away whether I was there or not.”

“And then where would she have been? Trapped alone in that cell. You opened the door. You set her free. You saved her, Dave, and that’s something to be proud of.”

He kicks at a grey rock and it bounces across the grey ground to disappear into a grey hole.

“Whatever.” He shrugs. “Where are we going anyways? I thought you told us to stay within sight of the group.”

You look over your shoulder to see that the place where you’d originally arrived is long gone. This doesn’t bring you concern, however. If anything you feel perfectly fine continuing on the path which you’re going.

“Hmmm. It would seem so.” You say, facing forward once more. “Don’t worry though,” You and Dave come to an edge, where the ground suddenly slopes away into a ravine. At the bottom, appears to be a temple constructed of black rock. “I think we’re heading in the right direction.”

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. And you are pretty sure that you want to die right now.

Like you wish with all of your shriveled, little heart for a second meteor to strike the meteor you’re currently lying on and blow it into oblivion. That would be nice, you think.

“There, there, little fella.” A delicate hand strokes your hair. “Everything is going to be alright.”

“Don’t touch me, _human_.” You spit. “Didn’t your adult female guardian ever tell you not to pet strangers? I could have a contagious alien disease or something and you wouldn’t ever know.”

“Oh I don’t think you have a disease, Kitkat. Rose would have warned me if you did.”

“Humph. Maybe.” You roll over and look up at the adult human woman. “But then again, maybe Rose was hoping you’d get sick and die, just so she could get rid of your old, wrinkled ass.”

Mrs. Lalonde’s face maintains its waxy grin.

“I do suppose that is a possibility, yes. However, I don’t think she would have gone through all that trouble of trying to save me, only to let me kill myself with alien rabies. If she wanted me to die, she could have left me to rot in that dreadful dungeon.”

For a second, you consider blurting something like: _“You’re daughter is a filthy bulge sucker who’s currently pailing a vampire from a different galaxy!”_ Just to see if you can get under this woman’s skin. However you don’t. Kanaya’s friendship means too much for you to toss around her personal business like that. It would almost be worth it, though, to get Mama Lalonde to stop smiling at you.

“What is it with you youngsters and being disrespectful to your elders?” Harley is sitting on a nearby rock, resting his stump of an arm on his knee. “Jade never told me that she was chums with a bunch of rotten hooligans. Back in my day, kids didn’t act like this.”

“I don’t give two shits what kids back in your day did, you old fossil. If I had it my way, we would have completely ignored both of you people and gone straight for The Scratch back in that castle. Maybe then we would have actually gotten somewhere, but nope. Thanks to Jade and her bullshit shenanigans, I’m stuck here with two more humans that I can’t stand. So do me a favor, you sack of pink skin, don’t talk to me. Just leave me alone, please?”

 Harley opens his mouth to respond, but is drowned out by the sound of many footsteps clattering over the rocks. Everyone turns to see that the trolls have returned back to their original starting point.

“Hey, Karkitty!” Nepeta sings, bouncing over and leaning over you. “Are you fuuurrreeling better now?”

“Fuck off.”

“Yay! You’re back to normal!”

“Where is Rose?” Kanaya asks, looking around the rocky circle. “She has not returned?”

“Her and that strange boy with the sunglasses went that way.” Mrs. Lalonde points. “I’m sure that they will be back soon.”

You brush Nepeta out of the way and climb up into the sitting position, examining what’s left of your rag-tag group. You, Terezi, Kanaya, Equius, and Nepeta are the only trolls left now. For how much longer though?

You have no idea. You could all get eaten by meteor worms tomorrow.

“Kanaya!” You bark. “Status report. Did you find anything worthwhile?”

“Oh look whose back in charge again! Hehe.” Terezi interjects with a high pitched peal of laughter. “Did you finish ‘ _repenting’_ yet? Hehehe.”

“I would not jest about such matters.” Equius says, coming to your defense surprisingly. “This truly does seem like the end of times to me.”

“Well aren’t you just a regular blast. I can taste your fear sweat from here, Bloo Boy. What’s the matter? Afraid of a little moon rocks? Hehe.”

“We’ve already established that we are on a meteor.” Kanaya comes between them before another friendly spat can break out. Tensions are obviously running high amongst the group at the moment. “And as for your question, Karkat, no. We did not find anything worth reporting, other than that this meteor is relatively small in size. From a high vantage point, you can see its curvature in the distance.”

“We should explore the whole thing. I doubt we are the only chaps to call this place home.” Harley offers.

“Home? How long are we going to be staying here, Karkitty?” Nepeta frets.

“I don’t know.” You groan.

“Well what do you know?” Mrs. Lalonde asks.

“All _I_ know is that everything smells and tastes like bleach on this stupid meteor. I miss the ship with its delicious, delicious walls.” Terezi looks wistfully towards the sky.

“I agree that exploration is our best course of action, although we should not leave this position until Rose has returned.” Kanaya says.

“Why don’t we just take the meteor,” Equius suddenly booms. “And push it somewhere else!”

“I have an idea.” All eyes snap to see Rose and Dave standing upon a collection of rocks above you. “Why don’t we explore this totally sweet temple that we just found?”

Everyone is silent for a moment.

“Sure.” You say and clamber to your feet. “Why not?”

The temple is a good distance away and you spend the most of it sulking near the rear of the group, only mildly interested in what is happening around you. How could things get this out of hand? It seems that every plan this group pushes forward automatically descends into great failure and tomfoolery.

The only plan that went well so far was the Mlpuia Jive and that was filled to the brim with teen romance clichés and hurt feelings. Looking back though, you’d probably take a hundred of those stupid jives over another farce like the one that took place at the castle.

“I simply followed my instincts.” Rose explains, in reference to how she and Dave located the temple. “I believe that this is the product of my new abilities as the Seer of Light. I was able to follow the most fortuitous path available in our search.”

“Fascinating.” Kanaya’s hanging on every word her Matesprit says, like a newborn wriggler on a rumble sphere. It makes you sick to watch the pair of them. “The only hero of light in our session was Vriska and she only used her powers to boost her own fortune.”

“Well she didn’t boost her luck enough to stop herself from getting killed.” Dave points out, always the sensitive one.

“Well Dave, that’s because after your session began it became dominant over ours. All the effects of our game were removed to make room for yours. However, after The Scratch is finally completed, your session will also be nullified and our powers returned to us.” Kanaya somehow manages to keep her patience where you could not.

“So wait. After we reboot our game and get new players, will we lose our powers too?” Dave seems worried. You had no idea he was so attached to his time wimey abilities.

“I do not know.”

“Rose?”

“I don’t know either.” Rose shrugs.

“Well shit. Does anyone know anything?”

Good question.

“All _I_ know is that this temple smells like black licorice.” Terezi inhales heavily and gives a moan of ecstasy, like an addict getting a hold of their vice. “How did I not find it for myself? I bet it probably tastes like licorice too. Hehe.”

Mrs. Lalonde leans in close to her daughter.

“I don’t mean to rush you, dear, but I really would like an explanation of what is going on here exactly. Who are these… things? And why are they so weird?” She asks.

“These _things_ happen to be my friends, Mother. I’d like for you to treat them as such.” Rose replies curtly.

“I wasn’t trying to insinuate otherwise. I was simply…”

“I know what you were trying to do, Mother. I promise that I will explain everything as soon as possible.” The human girl is rather short with her adult female guardian, isn’t she? Yet more evidence that you aren’t the only one who doesn’t fully appreciate the woman’s presence.

“Wow.” Terezi gasps as the temple comes into view. She wraps her bony arms around your neck. “It’s a miracle, Karkat! A Gog-dammed miracle.”

“What did he just say?” Harley asks, staring after Terezi as she sprints away.

“First off, Tz is a total babe and secondly, don’t get your rosary all in a twist,” Dave says. “She said _‘Gog’_. It’s some troll terminology that no one but them understand. If they say anything like Beef Grub, Wriggler, Mlpuia, Recuperacoon, or Asshole Rumpus just nod your head and smile.”

“Uh… okay?”

“Perfect.”

Terezi, (Who is obviously a girl. Stupid old man), is running around the base of the structure when the rest of you reach it. Disgusting streaks of saliva already coat the wall and Terezi is steadily working her way towards another corner.

“Cut it out, will you?” You grab her by the shoulder, halting her progress. “I know you aren’t going to clean that shit up. So just stop.”

“Why are you in such a bad mood, Karkat?” She gestures vaguely towards the temple, grinning. “We’ve just caught a lucky break. We’ve got someplace to call home until John and Jade show up and you’re still mopeing around?”

 “John and Jade are not showing up. They are dead, Terezi, and The Scratch is lost.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“Well what’s more likely? That they made it out alive, got The Scratch, and are now flying towards us in a space ship with food and fun for everyone. Or that they died horrible deaths, leaving us to rot on this rock.”

“If you really want to know what I think,” Terezi reaches into her pocket and pulls out a coin, thumping you in the forehead with it. “It seems like a fifty-fifty chance to me.”

You watch her go back to licking the wall, as everyone else goes to investigate your new base, that is if this black construct is even safe enough to call a base.  With a heavy sigh you look down at Aradia’s satchel, still clutched dumbly in your hand.

In the moment before her death, she’d tried to tell you something, something about Gamzee.

It’s not exactly a confession, but you’re too tired to worry about that right now. You’ll take what you can get and run it by Terezi later once you’ve increased your level of patience once more and gotten a good night’s sleep.

You stoop to pick up Terezi’s coin. One side is scratched and the other is the picture of perfection. You wonder how much time she wastes in the morning, cleaning that particular side so that it glows in sharp contrast with the other. Probably too much.

Looking into the good side, you can see the stars reflected overhead.

“You better be coming, John.” You throw the coin in the dirt, grab Terezi, and head inside.

**END OF DAY ONE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will start picking up the pace next chapter, jumping ahead in days and getting to the good stuff. Both Karkat's group on the meteor and John's group on the ship will have their own separate story-lines which should be pretty cool, at least until the meet up again around the end of this act. 
> 
> One of the things I like about Homestuck (there are a lot of things. so many) is just the number of awesome characters. The source material is so rich and there are so many things and characters that I could write this whole story without creating one OC.
> 
> Well... except Kyle the imp. That dude is all mine.
> 
> So, for those who comment: what are you top five Homestuck characters in all of Homestuck? (I know it's hard to pick)  
> Mine are:  
> 1\. John (he's just so relatable. at least to me. I'm a sucker for the every-man.)  
> 2\. Vriska (so complex and so awesome.)  
> 3\. Rose (second half of my OTP. gothic witch with mommy issues.)  
> 4\. Doc Scratch (omnipotent being only concerned with forwarding his own agenda. how do you defeat someone who knows everything?)  
> 5\. Kyle the imp
> 
> Thanks for reading. Shout out to the long Author's Note, amirite?  
> \- Mike


	31. ACT 4 - PART 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kombo and OBVOS for commenting. I liked to hear about yall's favorite Homestuck characters :D
> 
> Warning: Lighting Round POV changes and rapid time-jumps.

=> Be John Egbert

**DAY FIVE.**

You are John Egbert. Which means you’re chilling with your new best pals.

“No, Ray. It’s like this.” You point to your chest. “Jooooohn. Say it with me: Joooohn.”

“Blip! Blip!”

“No. That’s not it at all.” You sigh and rub your eyes with the heels of your hands.

“Blip. Blip! Blip.”

“No, Egon. Put that down.” You reach out and grab Jade’s rifle out of Egon’s hands. You wish your ecto-sister wouldn’t leave it lying around like that.

The turtle appears to frown, having lost his new toy. You don’t take any sympathy on him though, considering how shitty of a student he’s being.

“It really isn’t that hard guys. It’s like one syllable.” You point at Ray. “You are Ray.” Then you point to yourself once more. “I am John. Jay, Aay, Ohh, Inn. John.

“More like Dee, You, Emm, Bee.” Jade snorts from behind you. “Why are you still fooling around with those guys?”

“Oh, I dunno.”  You turn to see her leaning in the doorway. “Maybe because we’ll be spending the rest of the foreseeable future within the same twenty square feet as them.”

“This ship isn’t that small, John.”

“Well it _feels_ that small.” You turn back to your new friends. “I miss the sky.”

“Well there’s plenty of _space_ ,” You don’t have to look at Jade to know that she’s winking. “Outside!”

“Stop with the puns, Jade. I don’t know if I can take much more of that.”

She sighs and flops down onto one of the cots. You’re currently sitting Indian style in what was once the boy’s dormitory, with the two LOLAR turtles lounging in front of you on the floor like a couple of pink throw rugs. You’d come in here to escape the silence of the rest of the ship, leaving Jade to fiddle with the Alchemiter, her new favorite pass time.

She’d actually gotten pretty good with that thing over the past couple of days, stocking up on food, making clothes, even setting up a mechanism near the front of the ship so that she could control it without going up to the top deck, a problem you’d both worried about the first day.

Apparently she’s still too busy to make those spacesuits you asked for or fix your God Tier outfit. Bluh Bluh, Huge Yiff.

“Anyways, the reason I came down here is because I was crunching some numbers.” She says, resting her head on her folded arms.

“And?”

“If we keep straight on this course with our current velocity, we should reach the meteor our friends are on in about one thousand one hundred and forty-two days, or just over three years.”

You think you might want to cry.

“Oh.” You say, watching your hands wrestle in your lap. “I see.”

“Yeah…”

You look over at her to see that her eyes are unfocused. She’s thinking about something, probably Dave or her Grandpa, or Rose, or Karkat, or Kanaya, or how awful these five days have already been. You look down at your twisted fingers again and then up towards the ceiling.

“We couldn’t… go faster, or anything.” You ask.

“We’re already going as fast as we can.” Her voice is muffled by the crook of her elbow.

Well drat. There go all of your ideas. You lean back on your arms, brainstorming ways to make the time go by faster. Eventually though, it’s Jade who speaks first.

“So what are you doing, teaching the blip twins how to speak?” She asks, nodding towards your friends.

“Oh you mean, Ray and Egon?” You climb off the floor and sink onto the cot next to Jade. “Yeah, I thought I might as well, you know? They might have some interesting things to say.”

“How do you know they are boys?”

“What?”

“You named them Ray and Egon. How do you know they are boys? They could be girls.”

You look at the pair of turtles, examining them as they drowse lightly.

“Pssh. You’re silly wiles aren’t going to fool me, Jade. Don’t try to make me second guess myself. Ray and Egon are totally dudes, just look at them.”

“I am looking at them and you know what I see?” She smirks at you. “Pink, John. They’re totally pink and pink is a girl color.”

“You can’t see colors anymore, Jade.”

“Well I know what they’re _supposed_ to look like.”

“Fuh, whatever. And anyways that’s sexist. Colors can’t be defined by gender.” You roll over onto your stomach and reach down to rub the Egon’s shell. He grumbles happily. “And they are not pink. They’re… lightish red.”

You hear her cot groan subtly as she shifts on it.

“Totally pink.” She chuckles.

You smile, even though she’s totally wrong.

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

**DAY FOURTEEN.**

You are now Jade Harley. It’s a jungle out there!

Or better yet: _on here_.

 _‘Here’_ as in your head.

Your head is a jungle. That’s what you’re trying to say.

You look into the mirror over your shoulder, watching the dark locks cascade down to your waist. You’re hair has always been long, but has it always been… _this_ long? It’s only been two weeks on this ship so it’s not like your hairs grown too much. You suppose that you just haven’t noticed it since the game began. You’ve been too busy to pay attention to such trivial things like your physical appearance.

But now…

Now you aren’t busy at all.

You frown and pull your hair up, holding it above your head so that you can see what you would look like with shorter hair. You don’t like it.

You need your hair long, or else you just look like another low budget Harry Potter impersonator, with your round glasses, sharp cheek bones, and stunning green eyes. Hell, all you’re missing is a sick-ass scar and you’ve almost got yourself a wicked Halloween costume.

“If there ever is another Halloween, that is.” You mutter quietly to yourself, watching your hair fall back into its original place.

The door creaks open behind you and you look in the mirror to see one of those stupid turtles poking his head in.

“Scam, Eric.” You say, aiming a kick at him.

The turtle darts away even though he was never in any real danger. You’d never kick one of those guys. Once you get to know them, they’re actually pretty nice, if a bit nosy.

You sigh, a little disappointed in yourself for being rude to Edgar, and head out of the bathroom. You pad down the hall, searching for John or something equally worthy of wasting your time with. You’ve fashioned some new clothes with the Alchemiter, a pair of comfy shorts and a t-shirt, just a little change of pace from your sweet God Tier duds.

You don’t know if you got the colors right, not with your new eyesight, but John assured you that it looked fine, even though he does still stifle a chuckle whenever you enter the room. One of these days you’ll get around to fixing his God Tier outfit. You think he’d like that.

“John?” You peek into the Alchemiter room. Nope, not there.

You continue on your path, thinking that he’s in the boy’s dormitory again. You’d all but moved your meager belongs in there with him, sleeping on one of the vacant cots and playing card games on the floor. It was essentially your new room, albeit without the awesome posters and collection of shrubbery and musical gear.

Man, you miss your old home and all the belongings that used to be in it.

The door to the dormitory swings open easily and you find it to be just as vacant as the Alchemiter room. With a sigh, you turn to leave, but stop when something catches your eye.

“What in the world?” You tip your head in confusion and walk over to John’s bed.

Above his cot, on the wall, is one word written in dark grey ink. Although, it might be blue.

_“Idiot.”_

You stare at it for a long while. Where did that come from? Was it one of John’s pranks gone awry? Was this insult supposed to be written over your bed so as to rustle your jimmies when you woke up in the morning?

You reach out and wipe at it with your thumb. It doesn’t fade. You try again, licking your finger for good measure, but only managed to smear it a bit. You wonder if maybe the turltles have actually managed to learn English, only pretending to be as illiterate as always just to get under John’s skin.

His lessons have not been going well.

You resolve to give either Eddie or Ryan a good kick the next time you see one of them.

“That oughta teach them a lesson.” You mutter and turn to leave in search of your ecto-brother once more.

You eventually find him in the kitchen. Well, you say _kitchen_ , but it’s more like a room with a fridge and a counter covered with chipped and dirty mugs.  He’s standing against the counter, holding one of the cups in his hand and staring at it with a strange sort of intensity.

“Hey.” You knock twice on the door frame, causing him to jump. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” He says quickly, slamming the mug down on the counter. “Why? Did you wanna do something?”

“No. I was just looking for ya.” You quirk your eyebrow at him. “Why are you acting so… shifty?”

“Shifty? Jade, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He grins and rubs the back of his neck. “Hey, are you hungry? I could go for some canned peaches right about now.”

He brushes past you without waiting for an answer and you hear his footsteps trail off down the hall. You’ll go after him in a second, since peaches actually do sound pretty good right now. For the time being though, you’re moving over to the counter.

On a whim, you pick up the mug that he’d been holding. There’s a stain on the rim, faded with age, and discolored by your new eyes. Still, you’d recognize that black lipstick anywhere.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

**DAY FIFTY-TWO**

You are once again John Egbert. Which means you’re fifty percent of the only band left in the universe.

“ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!” Jade shrieks, slapping her bass with each number.

The amount of grist consumed to create these instruments, her bass and your keyboard, are nothing compared to the hours of jam sessions your band: “Ignorant Rhubarb and the Pretentious Jelly” have stashed under its belt.

You begin, throwing your fingers down upon the white and black keys, striking down the sickest of notes upon the most healthy of ears. Dave would be proud, you think. He’s probably toss in some totally awesome raps right about…

“There’s a port, on a western bay! And it serves a hundred ships a day! The lonely sailors! Pass the time away…”

Your fingers slip on the keys.

“Dammit, Jade! I told you we weren’t going to play that song anymore!”

“Well you didn’t say which one you wanted to play!”

“Any one! Literally _any one_ , but that!”

Jade’s eyebrows knit together dangerously.

“You know what?!” She pulls the strap of her bass over her head. “If you’re going to be like that, fucking Roy can play bass.”

She throws her guitar onto the cot next to your turtle.

“Okay, first off his name is _Ray_ , for Gog’s sake.” You stand up, shoving your piano bench back. “And secondly, you know he doesn’t have thumbs, bitch! How can you be so rude!?”

“I told _you_ to quit it with those stupid dog jokes!”

“That wasn’t a dog joke! I legitimately called you a bitch!”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you more!”

Jade bends down, grabs one of her shoes off the floor and hurls it at your head. You easily duck under it, turns out her shooting is a lot better than her throwing.

“I hate you, John!” She stamps her foot, fists clenched at her sides. “I hope you know that!”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do!” She turns and kicks at the nearest cot, overturning it completely. “Don’t you dare touch me, Edward!” She screams at a turtle as it approaches with his arms outstretched. “Don’t you touch me!”

“Leave Egon alone. He just wants to help.”

“Well he can’t help!” Jade wheels back on you. “He can’t beat this fucking game for us! He can’t get us off this ship! He can’t even talk like a god-dammed human being! You know why, John?! Because he’s useless and stupid and Dave’s probably already forgotten about him!”

The room falls deathly silent.

Jade slumps down to onto the overturned cot and begins to cry. You’re too stunned to do anything, let alone move to comfort her. Her back is turned to you now and all you do is stand there like an idiot and watch her shoulders rise and fall with over fifty days of held in sobs.

You should say something, anything to make her stop crying. You could tell her that you feel the same, or that you understand what she’s going through. Hell, if anyone can relate, you can.

 The words don’t come out though. Instead you muster the wherewithal to just sit down next to her and wrap your long arms around her rather thin shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” Jade says, angrily wiping at her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Her arm comes around your back and grabs a fistful of your shirt.

“It’s okay.”

After a few minutes of hugging and crying and awkward turtles standing off to the side, Jade stands back up. Her eyes are red behind her glasses and her dog ears and drooping to her forehead. You don’t say anything and neither does she.

“Are you ready?” You ask, clambering back up and over to your piano bench.

“Yeah.” She turns her bass up louder than ever. You don’t complain. The noise is nice.

“Okay, here we go.”

“ONE, TWO, THREE, [FOUR](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-tRXewCAmU)!”

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

**DAY ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SEVEN.**

You are Jade Harley for the second time in one chapter. I know, right?! It’s crazy!

“Come on!” You shake your controller like you’re mixing a martini for James Bond. “Come on, you stupid thing!”

“Calm down.” John grumbles from his position on the sofa. “You’re already winning.”

“I don’t care.” You almost leap off the ground as you steer around a tight turn. “I’m going for the best score now.”

“But you already have the best…

“Whoooo!” You actually leap into the air as you cross the finish line. “Suck it, Egbert.” You race over to your ecto-brother and shove your controller against his cheek. “Suck my racecar dick!”

“Stop.” John shoves you away and rips the controller out of your hand. “You’re going to break it again.”

You flop down onto the sofa, giddy with another victory and sugary drinks. John moves to go turn off the game console and carefully wrap up the controllers, before resting them on the furniture.

“Gosh, Bro.” You grin at his back. “I had no idea you were such a sore loser.”

“I’m not being a sore loser. You just get waaaay to into this shit for it to be healthy.” He finishes storing away the games and turns back to you. “Were you like this when we used to play online?”

“Oh yeah, my grandpa was always coming upstairs and telling me to shut up.” You giggle at the memory. “We should try and make another console, you know? It would be so sweet to set up a LAN party.”

“Just the two of us?”

“Fuh, you can invite the turtles if you want, I guess.” You throw your legs over the back of the sofa, so that you can look at John upside down. “I just don’t want another repeat of Monopoly Night.”

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about it anymore, especially since Monopoly Night was clearly _your_ fault.”

“Whatever.”

“Yeah, _whatever_.” John mocks. He turns and stalks towards the kitchen.

You quickly roll backwards onto the floor and scamper after him.

“So yeah, consoles. I’m thinking something less than forty years old this time.” You catch up to him easily.

“The SNES is not forty years old.”

“It might as well be. I can’t even tell what’s going on half the time, the graphics are so shitty.”

“And yet you still win.” John opens the fridge and pulls out a carton of juice and you leap up next onto the counter next to him.

“Well that’s just my natural gamer skill filtering through the miserable taste you have for video games.”

“Top Gear is totally the best game of all time and that’s all there really is to say on the matter.”

“Yeah and I’m a flying spaghetti monster.”

“I wouldn’t doubt it.” John pours himself a glass and ends up spilling the majority of his first sip down his chin, or more accurately his magnificent beard.

You’d noticed stubble on his face well before the showdown on LOLAR. John had been shaving since he was fourteen, and shaving regularly since he turned sixteen. Now, at the cusp of adulthood, he’d been without a good razor for months and the results were clear to be seen.

“You need a haircut.” You say, watching him mop himself up.

“Like you’re one to talk.”

“I’m not making fun of you, John. I really mean it. I could cut your hair for you, if you wanted.”

He seems a little wary.

“I don’t know.”

“Well it’s not like you’re going to groom yourself.” You gesture towards him. “Exhibit A.”

John leans against the fridge, sipping his juice and thinking quite hard about your proposition.

“I’ve been meaning to alchemize a razor.” He admits after a while, running a hand through his dark hair. “But I just haven’t gotten around to it.”

“Well what else have you been doing? It’s not like you have anything else going on to keep you busy.”

“You know full and well that I’ve been working my ass off keeping this place clean.” He nods around the room. “Exhibit A.”

“I’ve been helping with that.”

“You call leaving your crap all over the place helping?” He asks with mock incredulity. “Ray has better hygiene than you and he’s _literally_ an animal.”

“Hygiene is different than organized, John. I’m about as clean as they come.” You brush your hands through your own silky hair for emphasis, wincing when you encounter a powerful knot. “And, sure, I’ll admit that I can be a little forgetful with my things.”

“I found a fifty caliber sniper rifle in the shower.”

“That could have been anybody’s.” You rock on the counter, snorting with laughter. “And if you want to talk about annoyances, try you blaring your stupid music at four-o-clock in the morning.”

John slams his cup down on the counter, sloshing a bit of juice onto the floor.

“You did not just insult Norman Greenbaum.”

“I think I just did.”

He squeezes his eyes shut and turns from you quickly.

“Deep breathes.” He says. “Forgive her Mr. Greenbaum, she know not what she do.”

“Oh give me a break.”

“And by the way, time’s completely relative up in space.” He points out. “It could be four-o-clock in the morning right now and we wouldn’t even know.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” You slide off the counter.

One of the hardest things those first few weeks was the drastic shift in your biological clock. It took a lot of time for your sleeping schedule to regulate, but even now you find yourself staying up for over twenty-four hours at a time and sleeping in for almost forty-eight.

You grab John by the sleeve and start tugging him towards the door.

“Come on. Let’s go watch a movie or something. I might even be persuaded into sitting through Bangkok Dangerous again.”

“That movie is a tragic masterpiece and you know it.”

“Agree to disagree, John.” You say, pulling harder. “Agree to disagree.”

Once you’ve got him out in the hall, he starts to resist.

“Hold on a sec. I’m gonna go check up on Ray and Egon.” He says, trying to wriggle away.

“They’re fine, probably just sleeping again.” You tighten your grip on him. “Just come on, John. I wanna race you to the couch.”

He groans and rolls his eyes. He’s gotten pretty good at that actually, almost enough to give Rose Lalonde a run for her money. Hell, maybe even Karkat too if you ever see him again.

No. Stop with those treacherous thoughts. It’s unconstructive.

“Just go get it started. I’ll be there in a sec.” He tugs out of your grasp and darts down the hall towards your room.

You frown when he leaves. If there’s one thing you hate more than being stuck on this ship with him, it’s being stuck on this ship _without_ him. The walls seem infinitely tighter and the lights are like miniature suns burning your skin with their searing hot beams.

Okay, maybe you’re exaggerating, but still. Being alone, like you are right now, is probably when you hate your situation the most. For a second, you consider going after him and tagging along, but then again, you’re right next to the game room now and it does make sense for you to get the movie ready for when he gets back.

With heavy feet and a heavy heart, you trudge into the game room. Well, you say ‘ _game room’_ , but it’s more of your ‘ _everything room’_ at the moment. You’re instruments along with your band flag are tucked into the corner. (You’d argued with John about that for ages.)

_“Bands don’t have flags, Jade.”_

_“Well ours does!”_

You grin and run your fingers fondly over the fabric. Against the wall is a television, hooked up with all the different crap that you could imagine and make with the Alchemiter. Including, but not limited to: a Super Nintendo and a semi-operational VHS player. That’s actually all you have.

It turns out that game consoles are really hard to make. That doesn’t stop you from wanting to try though.

You sit down on the floor in front of the television, your usual spot when playing games or watching flicks, and pull John’s special box of movies into your lap. It’s a truly terrible collection of Nic Cage and Bruce Willis films that honestly make you want to throw whenever John suggests watching one of them.

Your own movie selection, consisting of one film: “Sky High” featuring Kurt Russell, is tucked away at the very bottom. For a second, you consider swapping out Bangkok Stupid for Sky High and seeing if you can get though the opening credits without John noticing, but decide against it.

You’re above such childish exploits.

With the awful movie in hand, you crawl over to the VCR, ready to start a half an hour of suck, when suddenly… you’re in the air.

“What the…” You begin, but are unable to finish when you abruptly come crashing back down again to the floor.

Bangkok Dangerous bounces out of your hand to shatter on the floor, (good riddance) and the whole ship rocks once more, sending you sliding into the couch. The walls groan, your bass nosily _clangs_ when it hits the floor, and you’re screaming like a blonde bimbo in a B grade horror film.

“John!” You grab the sofa tightly as the ship tilts the opposite direction.

The far wall races to meet you and you quickly pull yourself onto the couch cushions to avoid becoming an adorable Jade Harley pancake. You hear an all too satisfying and familiar _crunch_ as what is mostly likely John’s precious SNES suffers a cruel and untimely end.

You aren’t about to stick around and investigate though. There’s some serious shit going down right now.

You leap off the sofa and sprint towards the door, ricocheting off the doorframe when the ship suddenly takes a sharp ninety degree turn. Stumbling over your own feet, you perform a nasty spill onto the floor and _crack_ your chin on the ground.

“Ow.” You mumble, scrambling on all fours towards the nearest wall.

The ship is jostling from side to side as if fighting its way through a high tide and you feel safest, flattened against the nearest vertical surface. You put your hand to your chin and feel the sickening warm wetness of fresh blood.

“Fuck this ship!” You grab onto a light fixture on the wall and pull yourself forward. “Fuck this game!” You reach out for the next one. “And fuck you, John! Where the hell are… AAAGURAH!”

You shriek in surprise when a pair of arms wrap around your middle.

“Agurah?” John repeats in your ear.

“Shut up. You scared me, fuckass.”

The ship rocks again, but you’re safe from anymore head bashing now that you’re floating in John’s arms near the center of the hallway. He bobs on a current of air, carrying you aloft towards the front of the ship.

“Any idea what’s going on?” He asks as he takes you around a corner.

“No clue. But once we get up to the control room, we can at least see what’s happening outside.” You hear loud _bang_ and the ship jolts sharply again. “Where are Roger and Edwin?”

“Okay, you have got to be joshin me now. You should at least know what their names are at this point.”

“I don’t care what you call them! Are they safe or not?!”

“Yeah. I put them in the closet, don’t worry.” He slows down as you reach the control room. “Open the doors and I’ll fly us through.”

You lash out and kick the doors open in a single strike.

“Whoa! Maybe I was a master kick boxer in another life?” You say once John floats that pair of you inside.

“Maybe. Or maybe they were already unlocked.”

“Don’t you take this from me.” You touch down in front of the controls and jam a button that opens up the front porthole. The retractable cover opens with a metallic _hiss_ , giving you a clear view into open space. “Oh, shit!”

You grab the steering wheel and yank it to the left as hard as you can, pulling the ship out of the way of another incoming asteroid. Apparently you’ve unwittingly allowed your ship to fly headlong into a field of asteroids.

“There are meteors out here?!” John yells, floating somewhere over your shoulder. “Are any of them Rose and Dave’s?”

“No! We aren’t even close to bumping into their meteor yet!” You shoot back. “And of course there are asteroids out here! We are in space, aren’t we?!”

John groans.

“I’m so done trying to understand anything about this game.”

Another asteroid fills the porthole and you steer upwards, trying your absolute best to clear it.

“Come on.” The wheel shakes under your fingers as the giant space rock quickly approaches. “Come on, you stupid thing!”

Your space craft rattles again as the hull collides with the asteroid. You would have crashed into the ceiling then if you weren’t clutching the wheel in a death grip. As it were, you hear John slam into the roof behind you.

“You okay?” You ask, not taking your eyes off the blackness ahead of you. “I think I can get us out here if I keep us going straight. John? John, what the…”

You glance over your shoulder to see that he’s lying motionless on the floor.

“Oh no.” You look from him, to the wheel, and then to the remaining asteroids blocking your path. “Get up, John!”

You turn the wheel quickly to your left and you hear his body slide limply across the ground.

“John you better not be dead! If you are… If you are then I’m going to beat the shit out of you!”

He doesn’t respond.

“UGH!”

You pilot between the last two space rocks and level out the ship. Only then do you turn and drop to your knees, grabbing John roughly by the lapels.

“Wake up!” You shake him and his head lolls back uselessly on a broken neck.  With another angry screech, you pull him to your chest and feel the blood on your chin mingle with the blood leaking from his scalp, down his forehead. “You stupid, stupid idiot. Don’t leave me alone.”

He’ll come back. He has to. You haven’t heard of a more un-heroic death than bumping your big, stupid, windy, leader-ly head on the ceiling. Right now though, you are alone, with a dead and cold ecto-brother, steadily shrinking walls, and an impossible expanse of stars, stretching out ahead into oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the time jumps don't get confusing. I'm planning on doing alternating chapters between John's group and Karkat's group, with each group having their own stories moving parallel on the same timeline. Again, I really hope that no one gets confused Lol. But then again, I really should give you guys more credit. The comic is waaaay more complicated than this crap.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	32. ACT 4 - PART 4

=> Be Rose Lalonde

**DAY TWO.**

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently dancing, quite skillfully you might add, across the deck of a golden, flying ship.

_“I think Casey would be a good name.”_ Your partner, John, says cheerfully.

_“Hmmm.”_ You hum thoughtfully in response, watching as Dave dances nearby with another version of himself.

_“Do you think Casey would be a good name?”_ John asks as he takes you into an impressive dip.

_“For whom?”_ You’ve just realized that you have no idea what he is talking about.

John looks at you, confusion spreading across his face, mixing with gentle mirth.

_“Wow. ’For whom’ she says.”_ He spins you. _“For our daughter, of course.”_

You look down to see that your stomach is swollen to comical proportions.

_“Oh, yes. Of course.”_ You can’t help but smile at that. _“How forgetful of me.”_

You and John are now sitting at a table, about to eat dinner.

_“More wine?”_ The waitress asks.

_“That would be lovely.”_ You say, unperturbed by the sudden change of scenery, or the fact that the next table is home to a couple of Horrorterrors eating a heavily frosted cake.

Kanaya bends down and pours more wine into your glass. You smile at her because she does look rather gorgeous in a tie. Your Matesprit leans in close, holding the bottle over your glass as pretense to whisper in your ear.

_“Enjoying your date?”_ She scoffs, nodding over towards John. He doesn’t appear to have heard Kanaya’s words. In fact, he’s not even at your table. He’s across the room, dining with a lasciviously curved girl with eight eyes and a robotic arm.

_“It’s not what it looks like.”_ You appeal to Kanaya, equally hushed as if John might hear from so far away. _“We are enjoying an evening out as friends, nothing more.”_

Kanaya shakes her head, more sad than bitter now.

_“Tell that to Casey.”_ She chokes back a sob, turns and runs from the table.

You reach out for Kanaya, her name on your lips, but stop when you see that someone is now sitting in John’s vacated seat. It’s a young girl, with horrible teeth, short blonde hair, and the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen.

_“Glub.”_ She says.

You nod, because she raises and good point, and look down at your menu.

_“Wait a minute.”_ You say, squinting down at the words. _“I can’t read this. It’s is just a load of gibberish, unmitigated poppycock, and gobbledy gook.”_

It hits you then, like a train crashing into a school bus full of elderly war veterans. The most awful thing that you can imagine.

_“This is a dream.”_ You realize and look over the menu to see that the girl is gone, along with the entire restaurant.

You are floating in a black abyss, similar to the limbo you experienced during the short amount of time you spent dead whilst becoming God Tier. There is nothing but your own harsh breathing and the soft glow of your orange robes in the pitch blackness.

There’s a dull _whoosh_ of air from somewhere over your shoulder and you turn to investigate. Out of the darkness looms a face, skin of green, flashing eyes which resemble that of billiard balls, and teeth sharp enough to tear through your fragile skin and bone like paper.

“Rose?”

You wake up to find that Kanaya is looming over you, shaking you gently.

“H- Hello.” You say dumbly, looking up at her.

“Hello, indeed.” She smiles down at you. “Bad dream?”

You put a hand to your forehead, wiping away some of the sweat that had accumulated there.

“I would seem so. Nothing to worry about however.” You sit up and rub at your eyes. “It has been a rather eventful few days, hasn’t it? I would be more disturbed if I _wasn’t_ having strange dreams.”

“What were these dreams about?”

“The first one was… stupid. Just pointless drivel.” You wave your hand, as if you can physically bat away the vivid memory. “The second one was just your typical…”

You trail off. Your eyes have just caught something across the room on the wall.

“Rose?” Kanaya queries as you jump to your feet. “Rose, what is it?”

The temple that you’d found on the meteor was simply one large room, devoid of anything save for a few crumbled stone statues and a mural on the largest wall. It was uncomfortable sleeping on the flat floor over night, but being the only structure you’ve found so far on this space rock, it’s currently home.

Right now, you’re approaching the aforementioned mural, the only semblance of decoration in this place.

“Ow! Watch it, Lalonde.” Karkat grumbles, still half asleep, when you accidentally tread on him. “Jegus, where’s the fire?”

You don’t pause to answer. You leap over a sleeping Equius and slap your palm against the wall, feeling the coarse, dark stone and the chipped paint of the mural underneath your fingertips.

“This was it.” You say, tapping the wall with your knuckle.

“This was _what_?” Kanaya must have followed you.

“This was the face that I saw in my dream.” You run your hands over every inch of the mural that you can reach. “It’s a little different, but it’s undoubtedly the same one.”

The mural depicts two beings, one male and one female. Both have green skin and pointed teeth, although they’re missing the billiard ball eyes and the overall menacing persona. On their cheeks are odd spiral symbols, almost like blushes, and around each of their right ankles is a chain, connecting one to the other.

“You saw these creatures in your dream?” Kanaya asks.

“No, just the face.” You step back to examine them more fully. “What are these aliens, Kanaya? Are they a different type of troll?”

“No. I’ve never seen anything like these before.” She rubs her chin thoughtfully. “Whoever they were though, it’s possible that they built this temple or that it was built in their honor. There are many different civilizations all throughout the universe, Rose, some lost with time.”

“But we are not in the universe that we know. We are in this game.” You once again indicate the mural. “These have to be former players and this” You turn and gesture around the inside of the temple. “Has to have been their base of operations.”

“I don’t know if the game works like that. Can relics from past sessions even be left over like this?”

“You guys are here in our session.” You point out. “And if all goes to plan with The Scratch, then we will be influencing a third session.”

“If all goes to plan.” Kanaya repeats slowly. “Rose, I do not wish to be _‘that’_ girl, but what really makes you think that anything will go _‘to plan’_? There’s a high possibility that both John and Jade are dead, and that it’s now up to us to…”

“I’m going to stop you right there.” You raise a hand to silence her. “John and Jade are not dead. They are coming to get us and bringing The Scratch along with them.”

“How can you be so sure?”

You shrug, secretly knowing full well the honest to god answer. You and John, no matter how unlikely it may seem or how much you deny it, are tied together cosmically. He’ll come to you, one way or another.

“I just have a feeling.” You say. “Let’s call it a sixth sense awarded by my new role as Seer of Light.”

Kanaya scrutinizes you quizzically for a moment.

“Alright then. Whatever you say.” She frowns and turns back to the wall. “So about this old civilization, you’re saying that it’s possible for another session to have come before ours.”

You examine the mural once more and then turn to look at the mosaic of human and troll, spread out across the floor in various stages of sleep. You think and John and Jade, and hope with all of your shriveled up heart that they are indeed, on their way.

“I really think that anything is possible nowadays, Kanaya.”

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

**DAY SEVEN.**

You are now Karkat Vantas. And contrary to popular belief, you are in fact capable of having fun, enjoying life, and going five minutes without yelling at someone.

However, popular belief is not called _‘popular belief’_ for shits and giggles. Most of the time you’re an impatient, cynical, angry asshole.

Like right now.

“I swear to Gog, Terezi, if you touch me with that thing again, I am going to take it and shove it up your waste chute.” You take a swipe at Terezi as she skips away.

“I’d like to see you try that, Nubs. Hehehe.” She’s twirling one of Rose’s wands between her nimble fingers. “Why don’t you meet me behind the grey rock outside at seven-o-clock and we can call it a date?”

“I’d rather date the fucking rock!”

Your words go unappreciated though, as she shrieks with laughter once more and darts away, out of sight. Grumbling, you turn back to the task at hand.

“You know that by reacting to her antics, you only encourage her to act out more.” Equius says, sagely.

“Don’t lecture me, sweaty.” You growl in reply. “Pass me that screwdriver.”

He hands it over and you start fiddling with the piece of Alchemiter in your lap. Spread out over the ground between you and Equius, are heaps and heaps of complicated mechanisms and little nuts and bolts.

The night of your second day on the meteor, you had used Rose’s headband-computer to spawn in an Alchemiter, with the hopes of amassing some much needed, simple goods. It had been a good plan, reasonable by anyone’s standards. By the sixth day, it was broken.

_“I’m sorry.”_ Mrs. Lalonde had pleaded. _“I thought it was a washing machine.”_

_“Rose! Control your lusus!”_ You had raged. _“Keep her away from anything fragile and necessary for our continued survival!”_

The whole machine had to be taken apart and scrubbed. Now the reassembling process was well underway.

“Hey,” You finish tightening the last screw. “Tell me if this looks right.”

You shove the component off your lap and slide if over to Equius. He palms it, much like a basketball player would a basket ball, and raises it to his eyes.

“Perfect.” He booms, placing the mechanism softly on the ground. “At this rate, we’ll have this thing up and running in no time at all.”

“Gog, I hope so.” You take a break, leaning back on your arms with a sigh. It’s quiet inside the temple at the moment, with everyone out performing various tasks. Faintly, you can hear Terezi cackling about something outside and Nepeta mewling in return. “You know, Equius. Sometimes I think that you and I are the only sane people left.”

“The humans are fair companions.” He doesn’t look up from a mass of wires he’s reconnecting. “Just last night Rose read me an excerpt of a book she’s been writing and Dave always has a radical rhyme to, excuse me, _‘drop on our deprived asses’.”_

He finishes the last of that sentence with air quotes.

“If you think that the humans are cool then maybe I was wrong at you.” You admit. “Maybe _I_ am the only sane one around here.”

“I would have thought that you would have learned to respect the humans by now.”

“Respect is one thing, disliking is one thing, but it takes time to develop true hatred for someone.” You gesture around the room. “And now we’ve got nothing but time. If we somehow last another week without killing one another, I’ll be very surprised.”

“I still do not understand why you’re so intent on hating what’s left of our group.” He looks up for the first time. “Isn’t it more important now than ever to work together?”

“You want a reason.” You lean forward. “I’ll give you a hundred of them.” You start counting on your finger so you don’t lose track. “Rose is always bitching about how horrible her mother is, when that woman has done nothing but lie around, talk non-stop, and break stuff on occasion. Normal parent behavior. Where are all these passive aggressive taunts Rose keeps mentioning behind her back?”

“Maybe that’s some human way of thinking that we don’t understand, a cultural barrier?”

“No. If you ask me, Rose got this idea in her head that her mother is evil, when really she’s just your regular everyday adult female guardian.” You tap your head for emphasis. “These kids have messed up brains, I’m telling you.”

“You can’t pass judgment like that. It’s only been a week, Karkat.”

“It’s been waaaay more than a week. I’ve had to put up with Rose and Kanaya smooching it up all over the place since the fucking Jive and don’t even get me started on Dave Strider and his stupid face.” You grind your knuckles into your other palm. “Oh the wet dreams I’ve had where I finally smash my fist into those ridiculous shades of his.”

Equius stares at you for a moment, his face calm and a little saddened almost.

“You’re jealous.” He says after a while.

Well, you didn’t see that coming.

“What the hell are you talking about?” You demand.

“You’re upset that Kanaya is spending so much time with Rose.” He shrugs and turns back to his ball of wires. “It’s understandable, you and her were once best friends at some point, after all.”

“What do you mean _‘once best friends’_ and _‘at some point’_?! We still are best friends! She gives me status updates and reports every day!”

“That’s a co-worker, Karkat. When’s the last time you’ve truly spent time with Kanaya?”

You wrack your brains, already preparing your victory speech after you silence Equius with a well thought-out example. However, nothing comes to mind.

“Fucking shit. When did you become so insightful?” You rub your forehead.

“Just because one does not talk, does not mean he is not listening.”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

You lapse into silence for a while, just listening to the sounds of Terezi and Nepeta playing outside and the gentle _clink clink_ as Equius works. Eventually, he disobeys your direct order to _‘shut up’_ and speaks anyway.

“I heard about Aradia.” He says quietly.

“What do you mean? Are you saying that you heard she was dead? Whoops spoiler alert. That’s old news dude, you were kind of there when it happened.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. I know full well that she is dead.”

“Then what?”

“I heard…” He sweats for a moment. “I heard you and Terezi talking about her. Is it true that you think she killed Gamzee?”

Oh right, _that_ news about Aradia. True to your intentions, you’d cornered Terezi that first night on the meteor. After making it clear that you had no intention to pail her, you’d told her what Aradia’s last words were to you were. You’d both agreed that it was as close to a confession that you were going to get.

There puts that topic to rest once and for all.

“It seems so.” You nod. “She mentioned his name before she died. I think… I think she was sorry about it, in her last moments, you know?”

There’s a heavy _thump_ as Equius drops his wires on the ground.

“Excuse me.” He says, getting to his feet.

In an instant, you’re up and grabbing the front of his shirt. Sweat wrings out of it and oozes through your fingers and you instantly regret your decision.

“Why the change in mood, Equius?” You demand, wiping your hands on your sweater. “Is there something you know that I don’t?”

He gapes at you.

“Wh- what mare, I mean, _are_ you talking about?” He stammers, taking a step back. “I know nothing mane, I mean, _more_ than you. I’m just… upset that Aradia is dead.”

“And you’re just now getting worked up over it? That was a week ago!”

“Some people processes grief differently than you, Karkat.” He brushes some of his long hair off his forehead. “I happen to have trouble dealing with my emotions. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

He turns and walks away, leaving you to spend the next few seconds staring after him. Everything he’d just said to you had been utter horseshit. You know for a fact that he spent the first night crying and moaning her name in his sleep like a total pussy. Something set him off, something that was a combination of Aradia and Gamzee.

With a groan, you reach up and start pulling at your hair. Looks like you’re going to have to dust off your detective hat and badge, because this case just got re-opened.

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

**DAY TEN.**

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. As everyone else is worried about their relationships crumbling to pieces, you’re actually working to build a new relationship from scratch.

“So let me get this straight, _‘Rose’_ is a nickname?” You say, wonder in your eyes and sibling rivalry in your heart.

“Yes, of course.” Mrs. Lalonde slaps you on the arm playfully. “Her real name is… oh, I shouldn’t say. She’d be ever so upset with me if I did.”

You lean so far forward in your chair, you’re half worried that the furniture will collapse onto itself, introducing your face to the hard stone floor.

“It’s okay if you tell me.” You nod vigorously. “It will be our little secret. I promise.”

Your ecto-sister’s real name must be something super stupid if it’s this hard to coax it out of either one of the Lalonde’s. Oh the teasing you’ll accomplish once you’ve figured it out. Rose is going to need a life supply of aloe vera to get rid of all the burns you’re gonna send her way.

“No, no, no.” Mrs. Lalonde waves her hands in front of her, although her lips are drawn up in a wide smile, flashing dozen’s of sparkling teeth. “I mustn’t say. The teenage angst-ridden fallout would be atrocious.”

“Fuh,” You flop back in your chair. “Come on, Mrs. L. If you tell me then I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll take one of these grey rocks and carve a wizard statue for you. You like that shit, right?”

“I’m afraid bribes won’t work on me, no matter how much they appeal to my specific tastes.” She grins again. “How did you know that I like wizards, David?”

“Rose told me.”

“Hmmm. She certainly does seem to have talked about me quite a lot to her friends. Forgive me if I’m slow on the uptake, but you are her… brother, correct?”

“Something like that.”

“And that would make you…” She gestures between you and herself repeatedly. “My son?”

“Genetically speaking.” You smirk. “Are we all clear now? Can I call you mom yet?”

“Oh, yes of course!” She jumps up and tosses her arms around your neck, smushing her large bosom against your chest. “You can call me whatever you like!”

“Rock n’ roll. Good times. Beach party.” You say, a little shaky. “So, uh… what’s Rose’s real name?”

Mrs. Lalonde pulls away, laughing loudly once more and sinking back into her own chair.

“One track mind, I see. You truly are Rose’s brother.” She wipes an imaginary tear away from her eye. “I’m afraid I still cannot say.”

“Aw, shit. Come on, Mom. Can you at least give me a hint?”

Her face flushes crimson when you call her _‘mom’_ and for a second, you think you’ve got her beat.

“If she doesn’t want to tell you, then she doesn’t want to tell you.” Old man Harley chimes in from across the room.  He’s sitting with a pipe in his hand, puffing up smoke like a freshman in college huffs paint. “Used to be young chaps like you would know when to keep their nose out of other’s people’s business. It wasn’t like this when I was a kid.”

“You know what, Harley.” You lean back in your chair. “Old men like you have said that exact same thing throughout all of time. Then guess what, the old men die and the world just keeps on spinning.”

“My point exactly,” He jams a finger in your direction. “No respect for anyone, but themselves. My Jade doesn’t behave like you do, that’s for sure.”

“Have to agree with you there. Jade is a bonafide saint, a paragon of virtue, the genuine article. She’s ten times the person I’ll ever be.” You sigh and find your gaze fixed upon the floor. “That also means that she could do ten times better than me.”

“No arguments there. In fact, I intend to have a lengthy discussion with her about men and relationships when she finally gets here.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never dropped the birds and the bees on her before.”

Harley gets uncomfortable, shifting in his chair and refocusing on his pipe.

“I can’t say that I have. The time’s… never been exactly right, you see?”

You roll your eyes towards the heavens, that certainly explains a lot about you and Jade’s sex life. The night before the big battle on LOLAR, you and she had snuck away from a quick make out session, which had ended with a smile and a pat on the knee.

Seriously, what the fuck. You’ve more than reached the age where certain things are expected after a fierce make out sess. You would have thought that, growing up on the internet, Jade would have found _something_ about that particular topic.

“You can’t shelter them forever.” Mrs. Lalonde wags her finger disapprovingly. “You’ve got to toss them out of the nest so that they can learn to fly on their own.”

“Bird metaphor.” You nod appreciatively. “Nice.”

“Thank you.” Mrs. Lalonde smiles once more, but then suddenly, leans forward closer to you. “Can I pick your brain for a moment, David?”

“Sure, mom.”

A light giggle, then:

“My Rose sure does spend a lot of time with that alien girl, doesn’t she?” She folds her hands in her lap and tilts her head curiously. “Are they friends?”

Oh… oh no. It hits you like a train crashing into a school bus full of bodacious babes, ferrying crates of apple juice. The most awful thing you can imagine.

Rose hasn’t told her mom about Kanaya.

“They are… close.” You say, carefully.

As much as you like to pick on Rose, there’s no way you’ll be the one to divulge this information to her mother. You’d much rather _that_ inevitable discussion happened as far away from you as possible.

“I see.” Mrs. Lalonde responds lightly. “Well it’s good to have friends, certainly in a time like this, am I right?”

“Without a doubt.” You cheer, inwardly burning with confusion.

Why hadn’t Rose said anything yet? She’s been in a Matespritship with Kanaya for a while now. Surely that’s something you tell your own mother. Don’t girls usually have long, deep, feel-ridden talks about this crap?

As much as you’d like to stay out of it, your mind races with questions. The Rose you knew always did whatever she could to spite her mother. She was never embarrassed or ashamed about any of her friends or hobbies. Mrs. Lalonde doesn’t seem like the type to discriminate against aliens or even lesbian, vampire, fashion-minded aliens.

So… why hasn’t Rose said anything yet?

* * *

=> Be Terezi Pyrope

**STILL DAY TEN.**

You are now Terezi Pyrope.

“Are you sure that you want to do this, Nubs?” You ask, reaching out and grabbing hold of Karkat’s sweater.

“Of course I am. Why are you even asking that?” He responds, trying to shake you off.

“Because we _don’t_ have to do this. We could turn around now and just let this particular topic die along with everyone that was involved.”

You can’t see Karkat’s face for obvious reasons, but you can tell that from his increased breathing rate, that he’s getting upset.

“You didn’t see how nervous he got when I talked about Aradia and Gamzee. He’s hiding something. Maybe he did it or maybe he knows who did it, either way we need to talk to him.”

For a second, you consider telling him to stop worrying about it. That it’s been ages since Gamzee died and ages since you’d questioned all your suspects. Hell, it’s even been ages since you supposedly put this case to rest.

It’s almost like he doesn’t want to let it go.

You decide that even if this is just another one of Karkat’s self-destructive exploits, you’re going to ride it out with him until the very end.

“Alright,” You shift your hand to his shoulder. “Lead the way, partner.”

He takes you into the temple, your current base of operations. As the environment transitions from dull grey to vibrant ebony, you chuckle at an earlier conversation you had with Dave.

_“What the fuck is it with this game and temples?”_ He’d exclaimed. _“They’re all over the place! There was one in LOHAC and LOFAF and now there’s one on this stupid meteor. Like, what’s the deal?”_

_“Maybe this game only knows how to create certain buildings?”_ You’d offered helpfully. _“There are a lot of castles too, you know?”_

_“Yeah, but why is there a temple out here? We’re like a million miles away from the four lands.”_

You had shrugged.

_“I don’t know, Dave. Maybe it was put here for us to find. Everything happens for a reason.”_

Does everything happen for a reason though? Is all of this just some plan defined by a higher being? You don’t know for sure, but if that’s the case, said higher being has a sick sense of humor.

Karkat leads you across the temple floor, pass Dave, Harley, and Mrs. Lalonde, and finally to Equius and Nepeta. The pair of Moirails are currently lounging together, playing a human card game that involves a lot of shouting.

“Ha! Solitaire bitch!” Nepeta sings, and then notices you and your partner. “Oh, hi, Karkitty. Hi, Terezi.”

“Scram, Nala.” Karkat thrusts a thumb over his shoulder. “Terezi and I are going to have a chat with Equius for a moment.

Nepeta looks between her Moirail and Karkat for a moment, before shrugging and getting up to abandon her cards. As she scampers away, trailing her long coat and ridiculous blue tail behind her.

Karkat waits all of three seconds before he wheels on his suspect.

“Start talking Equius, did you fake your coma and slip away while we weren’t looking to take care of Gamzee?” Karkat doesn’t waste any time. You can tell that he’s pissed by the hushed quality of his voice.

Equius stands up, rising to his full height, which is incidentally enough, is two heads bigger than Karkat. Your fingers wrap around your cane a little tighter. Good thing you alchemized another one of these things. It might come in handy in a second.

“I did not kill Gamzee.” He states plainly. “There is no honor in killing a sleeping victim and although he was going to kill me, I understood that he was not in his right mind.”

“Well then why did you freak the hell out when I said that Aradia did it?”

Sweat starts to pour off Equius in waves. The stench fills your nostrils, impacting upon you just how uncomfortable Equius is with this particular topic.

“That was days ago, Karkat. I barely remember why I brought it up then. I… I just…” He dabs himself with a towel and tries to speak again. “I didn’t do it, Karkat. I swear. And neither did Aradia.”

You inhale deeply, breathing in Equius’s bitter scent and the subtle undertones of lush grass.

“Well,” Karkat throws his hands in the air. “Who did!”

You answer because Equius never will.

“Isn’t it obvious, Karkat. It’s been under our noses this whole time.” You sigh, ruefully. “It was Nepeta.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, you guys thought Grimdorks was sunk? I guess you really don't know me at all... :/
> 
> Next time on John: Try to Understand, Karkat and his group are forced to make a decision about one of their own, while John catches up with an old friend.
> 
> I listen to music when I write, therefore I have certain songs that I associate with certain ships.  
> Such as:  
> Dave/Jade: Laser Beams by Wintersleep  
> John/Rose: Demons by Imagine Dragons; Video Games by Lana Del Rey; Calculation Theme by Metric  
> John/Vriska: Headsick by July Talk; Youth by Daughter  
> Rose/Kanaya: Take Me Anywhere by Tegan and Sara
> 
> So for those who comment: Have you heard these songs? What do you think? What songs do you associate with ships or Homestuck in general? I'm more curious than anything else.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	33. ACT 4 - PART 5

=> Be John Egbert

**STILL DAY ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SEVEN.**

You are John Egbert. Which means you’ve just suffered a terrible accident and are now once again… you guessed it folks: **DEAD AS ALL FUCK.**

“Seriously, screw this game and screw my screwy life.” You say, bobbing on a current of void wind.

You’ll come back to life soon of course. You just hope that Jade, Ray, Egon, and the ship are still in one piece when you get there.

As it turns out, the afterlife is just as dark as it always was, although you’re quick to notice that there are now buildings all over the place, and not just that, there’s actual physical land too. You see a desert-y biome directly beneath you, a large fishbowl-looking thing with a castle inside of it in the distance, and beyond that there’s a giant apartment complex painted the most ostentatious shade of red you’ve ever seen.

You wonder where all this stuff came from. Is it another dream bubble created for you by Vriska?

You don’t think so. The last time you’d talked to her she’d vaguely explained that you had helped in the creation process of that particular structure. You house was implanted into your memory, much like anyone else’s childhood homes are implanted into there’s. You don’t recognize any of these buildings now, let alone feel like you could have subconsciously _built_ them.

The sand shifts under your feet as you touch down, much like real sand. Whoever made this stuff must be really detail oriented.

The sand stretches out around you in all directions, populated with sparse clumps of cacti and a few tumble weeds. However, there is in fact one large house nearby, positioned atop of clump of rocks, giving you the impression that you might not be the only weary traveler in this strange land.

Before you even begin to contemplate the repercussions of your actions, you start sprinting towards the house. It’s a little awkward running on sand, not to mention you haven’t done hardly any exercise in the past six months. If Dave were here right now, he’d probably have a nice long laugh at watching your clumsy ass jog across the sandy dunes.

You try not to think about Dave, or how much you miss him, or how much you would give to hear one of his snarky chuckles.

It’s just too depressing.

Shaking your head of any negative thoughts, you clamber up to the front door. It’s a pretty nice house in your opinion, with two stories, plenty of windows, a windmill, and even a lovely ramp instead of front steps. You wonder who could be inside.

Vriska would be nice, Aradia too, not Eridan though, screw that metro-sexual prick. Who else is dead? Karkat mentioned Gamzee and Sollux, but other than them you’re having a hard time remembering any of the other deceased troll’s names at the moment. It isn’t your fault really. Of the one’s that are currently dead you’re only familiar with a couple of them.

Your hand pauses on the door knob, frozen by a sudden, awful thought.

What if one of your friends died during these last few months of separation? What if Karkat, Kanaya, Terezi, or even Dave and Rose are inside waiting for you? Hell, what if they’re all dead and having one big jam party in the after-life?

For a second, you consider not opening the door and going inside. You could just wait out here and respawn back on the ship. If all your friends are truly dead then… well, then you have no idea what you’ll do.

You sigh, pressing your head against the door.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

_“It doesn’t have to be.”_ Says a voice in your head. You recognize it as Imaginary Rose. _“Stop second guessing yourself, John. It’s unbecoming. Face your fears. Take a chance. Open the door and deal with your insecurities or sit outside and leave the mystery unsolved. It’s obvious which of the two courses of action you should take.”_

You feel your ‘pep’ meter decrease a little more. Imaginary Rose just isn’t the same as the _real_ Rose.

She’s right though, if you just keep standing out here, alone with your thoughts, you’re going to drive yourself insane. You’ve already spent enough time by yourself when you were alive after all. No matter who is inside this house, it’s someone _different_.

And it’s that thought that gets you to twist the knob and push the door open.

“Hello?” You step onto the front rug and shut the door behind you. “Uh, is anyone here?”

The inside is just as nice and cozy as the outside is. Immediately upon stepping inside, you’re faced with a wall of leather bound books, a small couch, and a knee-high table laden with many magic eight balls and a few drawings of what you guess are fairies. Through a door to your left you can see a kitchen area, and next to that is a ramp leading up towards the second floor.

“Hello?” You try again and no one answers.

With a shrug you move into the center of the room. Most of the books on the large shelf are written in gibberish, Alternian, you guess. However there are a few recognizable titles, namely Peter Pan, Moby Dick, and Treasure Island. You’ve just pressed your finger against the worn spine of Herman Melville’s novel when suddenly something collides with your back.

“Gah!” You cry out as you are forced against the book self and then wrestled to the ground.

“Thought you could sneak in, did you?” A voice growls in your ear. “I saw you running up the hill, human. You’re slippery wiles won’t get you out of this one.”

“What are you talking about?” You try to rise, but the entirety of your attacker’s weight is resting on your back. “There are no slippery wiles! Who are you?”

“You’re a thief, coming for my stuff!” The mystery person doesn’t appear to be listening to you. “Do you know how hard it was to imagine the entirety of Jeedies’ Complete Artistic Works?! It took _three_ months! You aren’t going to take it!”

“Dude,” You choke, feeling his arm wrap around your neck. “What the fuck- argh- are you talking about?!?”

You hear the front door open and close with a loud slam.

"You'll never guess what I just…" A voice begins but trails off.

"Vriska! Stay back!" Your attacker yells, struggling to pin you. "We have a burglar!"

"Vriska?!" You croak and try to shove him off. "She's here?"

"What the hell is going on?!" A now familiar voice shouts.

"There's a thief in our house!"

"I'm not a thief! Just let me explain!"

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The weight is suddenly removed from you back and you hear a pained squeal as your attacker is tossed away from you. Quickly scrambling to your feet, you look to see that it is, in fact, Vriska who has come to your aid.

She looks the same as she always did. Same shiny robot arm. Same makeshift eye patch, cannibalized from a pair of sunglasses. The long hair, the blue lips, the bared fangs, they’re all there and for the first time in over a hundred and fifty days, you feel your heart swell.

"Vriska!" You beam at her. "It's me. I'm back, a little sooner than I expected, but I'm back."

You hope that she won’t be pissed that you’ve come back without the ring.

"Who are you?" She demands, taking a menacing step forward. "What do you mean  _'you're back'_? How do you know who I am?"

"Don't you recognize me?" You frown. "Man I know it's been a while, but I really don't think it's been that long. Or maybe it has been? Does time pass differently here? Oh man, so much has happened, Vriska. I have so much to tell you."

With a speed completely alien to you, Vriska lunges forward and pins you against the bookshelf.

"Answer my questions human, before I rip your fucking head off!" She roars, an inch from your face.

"Vr- Vriska!" You splutter. "It's me."

Reaching up, you pull away the curtains of hair and give her your most recognizably, dorky grin. Her face twists with confusion, before finally falling into stunned awe.

"John?"

**JOHN: REUNINTE WITH YOUR LOVING MATESPRIT AND GIRLFRIEND.**

And then you’re kissing her. It’s primal and a little angry for your meager standards. You pull at her shirt (once yours) and feel her tugging at you in return. Her nails pierce your blazer and you feel the needle-like fingers of her mechanical hand digging into your skin. You’re having a hard time complaining about the sharp stings though, as you shift your hands first from her waist, then to her arms, and then up into her hair.

Her tongue is like a sea serpent, but instead of spouting dated riddles and trying to smash you, it’s currently dancing with your own tongue, batting at it playfully and teasing it with tiny licks. Were it not for the other room’s occupant, you and her would have probably rolled to the floor and started boning like nobody’s business.

“Uuuh… what the actual fuck?” He says.

Vriska pulls away from you with an audible _‘mwaah!’_

“Oh, stuff a bulge in it, Tavros. Can’t you see that we’re having a moment?” She flicks a lock of hair over her shoulder and turns back to you. Her grin fills you with partial excitement and fear. “Hey there, Joooooooohn. Nice of you to finally stop by again.”

“Heh, yeah.” You rub the back of your neck. “I guess it is nice. To see you, I mean. It’s nice to see you.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Vriska moves to your side and snakes her arm around your waist tightly. “You remember Tavros, don’t you?”

She gestures to your assailant, who you now recognize to be a troll with ridiculously long horns. The name, Tavros, sounds familiar. He must be one of the trolls you encountered when you first met Karkat at the secret base in LOWAS. Damn, that was a long time ago.

Tavros is haphazardly sprawled on his wheelchair where Vriska had thrown him.

“Hey, Tavros.” You wave and try to smile, although you still vividly remember his arm digging into your neck. “Sorry if I freaked you out by just walking in like that. I was just looking around.”

“Yeah, whatever.” He adjusts himself properly back into his seat. “You’re lucky Vriska came in when she did. I almost snapped you…”

“Psshh.” Vriska’s snort cuts him off. “You could snap a piece of celery in half with those twig arms, bull boy. Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you go out and play while we adults have a nice, _adult_ chat?”

Tavros’s face twists un-appealingly and he sets a gaze of pure hatred upon you before submissively turning his chair around and wheeling towards the door. It may just be your imagination, but you almost swear that he cast one last saddened look towards Vriska before shoving his way out the door.

You open your mouth to call after him, another apology maybe or an invitation to hang out with you and Vriska, but before you tongue can even formulate words, you’re being dragged forward.

“Come on, Pupa. Let me show you to my room. I have a feeling you’re going to appreciate what’s up there.” She easily steers you with that powerful limb.

“Okay.” You look back towards the door again, but Tavros is long gone. “Vriska is Tavros the guy you… killed?”

“Yup.” She replies, guiding you up the ramp and towards the second floor.

“And you guys are still hanging out together? That’s pretty big of him.”

“Well he’s less of a willing participant and more of a dubious consenter. He lets me live with him though.”

As you reach the first landing, your stomach gives an uncomfortable squirm.

“You guys are living together?” You’re face must reflect your discomfort, because when Vriska looks back at you, she throws her head back and laughs.

“Oh, John, John, John.” She pats you twice on the cheek. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous.”

“I’m not. I’m just… figuring things out is all.” You no longer want to talk about Tavros. “So what have you been up to?”

“Ugh, absolutely nothing.” Vriska leads the way down the hall towards an open door. “It’s been terrible here, John. Nothing but awful books and terrible company. The only thing that’s kept me sane is the possibility that you’ll show up again to rescue me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” She’s somehow kicked off her shoes and shed her over-shirt during this conversation. “Speaking of which, you wouldn’t happen to have that ring, would you?”

“Uh, nope. Not yet, but I’m working on it.” You lie. The last few times you’d encountered Jack Noir, you hadn’t even _thought_ about that stupid ring. You’d been too busy trying to escape or survive or any other number of pressing matters. “I’m sorry.”

“Eh, don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll get it eventually.” Vriska shuts the door behind you and immediately tears your blazer from your shoulders with a rough _riiip_. “Let’s get to it. We don’t have much time.”

“Ah! You’ve got to be joshin’ me!” You watch as she throws the ruined jacket to the floor. “That was custom made!”

“John.” Vriska grabs your head and points it back to her, then she cups her chest. “ _These_ are custom made, and they’ve been waiting a hella long time to see you again.”

“What?” You’re mind has been discarded along with your coat.

“Just shut up and kiss me, you idiot.”

She’s pushing against you again, forcing you backwards and towards a pit of slime that you’ve heard about and presently have no desire to experience first-hand.

“Wa-Wait!” You pull your lips away from her’s, leaving her tongue hanging out of her mouth like crumpled party favor. “Vriska just stop for a second.”

“Why?!” She positively shrieks. “What is it? What’s the matter with you?!”

“Nothing. I just, uh… I haven’t seen you in a long time.” You slip out from between her and the recuperacoon. “And I… Look, don’t get me wrong. I _want_ to do this again, but it’s just that I haven’t seen you in a long time, okay?”

Vriska crosses her arms, tilts her head, and glares at you with her remaining eye.

“I’m not following.”

You sigh and wipe your face with your hand, brushing the coarse fibers of your beard with your fingers.

“Vriska, just for now, can’t we just… talk?”

For a moment, you think she might deny you. That she might yell, curse, shout, or worse: throw you into the slime pit and ride The ‘F’ Train all the way to Cums-ville. But then her face softens slightly and she smiles.

“Okay.” Vriska nods. “You wanna talk? Let’s talk.”

Exhaling a deep breath, you reach for her hand and lead her back downstairs to the couch. You sit the appropriate amount of space apart.

And then you tell her everything.

You talk about The Scratch, Dave’s Bro, the golden airship, the Mlpuia Jive, Rose’s Denizen, the army of Dave’s, Jack Noir, Jade’s freaky dog ears, the pink turtles, your current three year expedition, and  finally your sixth death at the hands of a ceiling.

When you finish, Vriska is now molded against your side, with your arm around her shoulders and your heart on your sleeve. She was a good listener for the most part, laughing at all the right moments and laughing some more at some of the wrong ones. You carefully omitted some stuff, namely you’re unfaithful thoughts towards Rose and your pleasant date with Aradia.

There’s nothing to gain by making her jealous. She already pretends that she owns you, and hell, maybe she does.

“Ha! You didn’t have a date to the Jive?” She barked with laughter at that point. “Wow, nice. Only losers show up dateless to those things.”

“Have you been to one?”

“Hell no. You’re lucky to even _hear_ about one in a lifetime. They’re like the rarest of the rare, John.”

“So I’ve heard.”

When you eventually ask her about what she’s been up to, she just shrugs.

“Nothing really. Belive it or not, there isn’t much to do when you’re dead.” She scratches her nose. “The only _exciting_ thing that happened was when you showed up. Oh, and then Aradia and… _them_ too.”

“Them?” You question.

“Don’t worry about it.” Vriska shakes her head. “ _They_ are none of your concern.”

“Okay, then.”

She shifts against you, picking up her legs so that they’re resting across your lap and pointing her face towards yours.

“So having listened to your tales of adventure, do you wanna know what I think?” She asks.

“Sure.”

“Honestly, I think you suck.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, fucking ‘ _oh_ ’.” She leans in and pecks you quickly on the cheek. “But you’re also _mine_ and that means you aren’t going to suck for much longer.”

You don’t really know what she’s talking about anymore.

“I don’t really know what you’re talking about anymore.” You say.

“Listen, Pupa.” She wriggles closer, squirming into your lap and causing you to blush heavily. “If you want to be the best, and trust me _you_ do, then you’re going to have to stop sucking so much. To beat Jack Noir, you’re going to have to be strong and smart and fast and deadly.”

“But I’m not any of those things.”

“I know. That’s what I’m saying. That’s why…” She pauses for dramatic effect. “I’m going to train you.”

“Train me?”

“Yeah, to be the best around. That way no one can ever bring you down.”

“But how? Won’t I be coming back to life soon?” You say, and then: “Wait… I should have gone back by now. Holy shit, Vriska. Am I dead for real?”

“No, John.” She assures you. “You’re very much still half alive. The only reason you’ve stayed here with me so long is because you _wanted_ to stay here. You can go back whenever you like, but now you aren’t going to, because you get to stay here and train with me.”

“But I can’t stay here.” You nudge Vriska off of you and stand up. “Jade is still on that ship with a dead me. I can’t leave her alone like that.”

“Well then fine.” Vriska gets to her feet as well. “Just come back later.”

“Later?”

“Yeah, come back and train with me when you get the chance.”

You take a moment to process her words.

“Wait. Are you telling me to… to _kill_ myself?”

Vriska rolls her eye.

“Well duuuh. How else are you going to get here, stupid?”

“Oh, geez.” You frown, mulling over her proposition. “I don’t know if Jade will be okay with me killing myself every day just hang out with you.”

“Then do it at night when she’s asleep.” Vriska shrugs like it’s no big deal. “You want to be the best you can be, right?”

“I suppose.”

“Then this is how you’re going to do it.” She throws her arms around your neck and kisses you again. You remain perfectly still and wait for it to be over. When she pulls away, she speaks again. “Now head on back to your ecto-sis. I’m sure she’s weeping over your corpse as we speak. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

You nod dumbly and slide out of her grasp.

“Alright, I guess I’ll go then.” As you speak, your vision begins to fade and before Vriska can even respond, you wake up.

Compared to the darkness of the void, the artificial lights of the ship seem to burn your retinas as you open your eyes.

“Jade?”

“John!”

You roll over onto your side, facing the direction of her voice.  Jade is sitting against the far wall, folded up and resembling a mass of dark hair with green eyes. She doesn’t move.

“Nice of you to come finally back.” She says. “I was beginning to wonder…”

“Yeah.” You lie there for a moment, simply staring at her. “How long was I gone?”

“A few hours.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

She still hasn’t moved.

“Are you okay?” You ask after a moment.

She nods and rubs at her eyes with her fists. You get the feeling that she hasn’t moved very much at all since you’re death.

“Well that’s good.” Sitting up, you look out the window. “Looks like we escaped the metoers, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice flying, you’re a regular Amelia Earhart.” You’re happy to see that your blazer is well intact back in the world of the living. “I should probably go let the turtles out of that closet now.”

As you make for the door, Jade jumps to her feet and trots behind you. You don’t have any objections to her following you around. You just wish that she’d talk more. Jade is… Jade, and she isn’t supposed to be quiet for more than thirty seconds at a time.

Your heart lifts when she speaks suddenly, but falls just as quickly.

“Promise me something, John.” She says from your shoulder. “Promise me that you aren’t going to die again, ever.”

Why does everything always have to be some complicated?

“I dunno.” You try and lighten the mood. “I’m a little bit of an idiot, you know? I’m liable to walk off a cliff on accident every once and a…”

Her hand grips your shoulder tightly, cutting you off midway through your shitty joke.

“This isn’t funny.” She looks almost angry with you. “Do you have any idea what it would be like to live alone on this ship for the next two and a half years?”

“No.”

“Well neither do I and I’m not planning on finding out any time soon.” Her fingers dig deeper into your arm. “Promise me, John. That you’ll be smarter and safer and just… _here_.”

“Well, you never know what could…”

“John.”

You stare into your ecto-sisters eyes. Your childhood friend, your battle buddy, your band mate, your only source of human contact for the past one hundred and seventy-seven days.

But not anymore. You stare at her and you lie.

“I promise.”

She nods.

“Okay.”

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

**STILL DAY TEN.**

You are now Karkat Vantas. And this is probably the worst meeting you’ve ever been to.

Everyone is sitting in a ragged circle with the exception of you. You’re the leader, therefore you’re standing up, tall above the rest, but just as unsure about what to do next.

All the citizens of the meteor, besides Nepeta obviously, have been briefed on the situation. While Mrs. Lalonde is outside with the murderer, distracting her with how shiny her pocket watch is, you called everyone else into this awful meeting.

Rose is sandwiched between her Matesprit and her ecto-brother, looking more interested in watching you struggle than actually being helpful. Terezi is trying to comfort a distraught Equius. The beefy troll had refused to out his Moirail forthright, but has subsequently not denied her guilt. It’s obvious that Nepeta confessed to him and that he’s been withholding that information for a long time.

You sort of feel for him, in a backward convoluted short of way. A Moirail is supposed to balance their partner’s life, prevent them from swaying too far in one direction or another.

Equius failed.

Now he’s left to be a witness to the decision making process, watching as you all decide the fate of his platonic soul mate.

“Can’t we just…” Dave stretches and thinks for a moment. Apparently he’s still working on the _‘formulating a full sentence before opening your fat mouth’_ section of his maturity. “Lock her up or something?”

“No.” Rose instantly shoots him down. “That’s a waste of resources. Keeping her alive, having someone watch over her all the time, it isn’t economical.”

“Well then what? Are we supposed to kill her?” Dave responds quizzically.

No one answers.

“Jegus,” He rubs his forehead.  “I thought you trolls were supposed to be like this ultra-violent race where killing was like a daily routine. What’s wrong with yall? What’s so different about this?”

“What you need to understand about troll culture, Dave, is that we are _not_ an ultra-violent race.” Kanaya answers slowly. “The _‘killing’_ that you are referring to has to do with social class structure. If a high blooded troll is disrespected by one of a lower blood, then the noble has a social obligation to challenge his harasser.”

“Nepeta killed without honor.” Equius says randomly. He’s got his eyes firmly fixated on the ground. “She has committed a crime.”

“And criminals need to be brought to justice.” Terezi adds.

The blind troll is pretty shaken up about the realization too. Her and Nepeta had been solid pals in the past, just like her and Vriska had been. Terezi’s probably feeling an overwhelming sense of déjà-vu at the moment.

“So we do kill her then.” Dave says, leaning forward. “Just like that. It’s decided? Come on, you people have to have some kind of trial system or something.”

“I agree.” Harley, the remaining group member speaks up. “From what I’ve heard so far, this Gamzee bloke was pretty far off his rocker. Maybe she did you folks a favor?”

“She didn’t do anyone _any_ favors.” You seethe. “Gamzee was fixed, _I_ fixed him, and she just…” You shake your head. “We have to deal with this and soon too.”

Kanaya gazes up at you.

“I’m sorry, Karkat. Truly I am. Nepeta was outside his room when I went there myself. I must have just missed her.” She says. “If you decide to kill her, then I will be the one to do it.”

“No.” You say quickly. “That’s some shaky reasoning to put some blood on your hands, if anyone is going to do it. It should be me.”

“The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.” Rose agrees, ever the disgusting nerd.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Dave stands up. “You guys are just gonna do it? Have you heard anything I’ve been saying? You need to give someone a fair trial or something before you just start chopping off heads.”

“It’s a waste of time and resources. Just like Rose said.” You respond. “It’s better just to get it out of the way.”

“There has to be another way.”

“Well there isn’t.”

“This is fucked up.”

“You wanna know what’s fucked up, Strider.” You start to lose your temper. “The fact that you’re even still a part of this meeting, or that any of you humans are even here, this is _our_ business, _my_ friends. Not yours. Your friends are all hundreds of thousands of miles away, probably dead, and most definitely not on their way here.”

Dave crosses his arms, looking incredibly cool next to your flaming rage. That just pisses you off all the more.

“I don’t think you mean that, Karkles.” He says. “I think that John is almost as much your friend as he is mine, and no matter how much you deny it, you would probably cry your little yellow eyes out if either he or Jade were really dead.”

“I could care less!” You roar. Kanaya quietly mutters for you to keep your voice down, but you ignore her. “There is nothing I would like more than to see all of your stupid, pink heads on spikes outside of my hive. I would spend every day, going outside and playing Calvin Ball with Egbert’s decapitated head, and using your douchey skull as slime mug! Jade’s head would be my pail and Rose’s would be my paperweight- AND IF YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME AGAIN LOLNDE I WILL EXILE YOU TO THE FURTHEST MOST SHIT INFESTED ROCK ON THIS…”

You trail off. A sudden idea has just struck you

“Holy shit.” You breathe. “You know what guys? We could just exile her if we wanted.”

Everyone perks up at this.

“Exile her?” Rose repeats. “Where?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Terezi says, standing up to join you and Strider. “As long as she isn’t staying in this temple with us or eating our food, then I don’t care where she is or what she’s doing.”

Terezi probably doesn’t mean that. You don’t have to be a therapist like Rose to know that Terezi’s currently over-compensating.

“We could take her eighteen miles out,” You slam your fist into your palm. “Drop her, and just tell her not to come back.”

“Would that work?” Dave questions. “I mean, does she even give a shit what you tell her to do anymore? She could just come right back.”

“Then we’ll just chase her away again.” Equius replies quietly. The guy looks miserable.

“We should vote.” Kanaya says. “In favor of killing or exile.”

“I think it’s pretty obvious that no one here wishes to commit murder.” Rose comments, resting her head on her hand. “It wouldn’t be smart to take her by yourself, Karkat. There should be a party.”

“Alright then, any volunteers?” You look around the group, no one speaks up.

“I’ll go.” Dave says.

“Anyone I _like_ want to volunteer?”

No one else speaks up. Harley then looks at Dave quizzically.

“I can’t say that I’m not surprised at you, Sonny.” The old man says. “That’s rather valiant of you to accompany this young alien fellow.”

“Well you know what they say.” Dave pushes his shades further up his nose. “You can’t say Dave Strider without thinking: hero, badass, ninja, beat master, and valiant MoFo, all at the same time. It’s like that therapy game where you do word association, except a lot more fun and with a lot more cool.”

Harley shakes his head, but chuckles all the same.

“Fine then.” You grumble. “Strider and I will get rid of her tomorrow. Is everyone okay with that?”

Everyone nods and Equius rises from his seat to shuffle away. You watch him go and resolve to talk to him later, after Nepeta is gone and he’s had time to process his grief.

“Alright, Strider.” You step up to Dave as everyone breaks apart. “Get your bag packed, we’re leaving soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing Vriska :D It's really great, for me at least, to have her back in the story again. We'll be seeing plenty of JohnVris in the upcoming chapters. Some RoseKanaya too, although that won't be the centerpiece of the meteor group's drama. I have plans for those guys.
> 
> Leaving the campus yesterday, I came to the sudden realization that one of my tires had been slashed. I had to pull over and change my tire on the side of the freeway. It was a regular blast lol. Man, fuck vandals. He wasn't even a full vandal, he only slashed one of my tires instead of all four. If there's one thing I hate, it's asshole's who can't commit to being an asshole. I seriously wanna know who did it though, just to see if it's someone I pissed off or not.
> 
> Anyways, enough about me. Thanks for reading guys.  
> \- Mike


	34. ACT 4 - PART 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Thoughts of suicide.

=> Be Dave Strider

**DAY ELEVEN.**

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too. For the first time in over a week, you’re actually doing _something_ worthwhile, maybe a little morally loose in your eyes, but still worthwhile nonetheless.

Standing outside of the temple during the early morning, you can see the two faint stars that were once the pair of suns that hung over the four lands. Well, they still do hang over the four lands. You just aren’t there anymore to see them up close anymore.

In a rare moment of completely uncool sensitivity, you wonder if Jade is standing somewhere now, looking up at the same suns and thinking about you. That would be cool, you think, completely saccharine beyond belief, but… cool.

You can hear Karkat grumbling under his breath from a mile away and you turn to find him emerging from inside the temple.

“You know what I hate, Strider?” He says, coming up to your side.

“Everything.” You answer.

“Other than that.”

“Me.”

“Other than that.”

You sigh.

“Fucking hell, man. We could stand out here and play this game all day if you want, but unlike you, I have other stuff on my agenda besides _‘screw around with someone I vividly dislike’_.”

Karkat chuckles, a rare expression of genuine pleasure.

“I hate _humans_.” He says. “They can’t take a joke to save their miserably short lives.”

“Is that what that was?” You raise an eyebrow. “Were you just telling a joke right now? Christ, Karkles. We have a lot of work to do if you’re ever going to ascend to the ranks of being a normal dude. That’s not how you make jokes.”

“Really? Well then educate me, oh great joke master.”

“Consider me the Mr. Miyagi of humor.” You think of a suitable joke for a moment, and then settle for one of the classics. “Knock, Knock.”

“What?”

“Knock, Knock.”

“Yeah, I heard that. What the fuck does it mean?”

You clearly recognize that this a losing battle, one which will only serve to stem your already budding headache. Still, you press on.

“Say ‘ _who’s there’_ , asshat.”

“Who’s there?”

“Jamaica.”

Karkat looks at you blankly for a while, and then his eyes narrow into slits.

“What did you just call me? You worthless piece of trash.” He snarls.

“Never mind.” You shake your head and turn away, muttering under your breath: “You’re Jamaican me crazy, dude.”

It’s at that moment that Nepeta skips out of the temple. She’s wearing her signature blue cat hat and that ill-fitting trench coat. There is also a backpack strapped to her shoulders, giving her the appearance of a little tot on their way to the first day of school.

You think your little, shriveled up heart is going to break.

“Hey there, Karkitty!” She chirps, bouncing up to her leader’s side. “I’m super excited about our expurrdition today! I even packed little nibbles fur us to eat on the way!”

Karkat looks like he’s just swallowed a lemon, one that’s trying to climb its way back up his throat by kicking and punching its way through his insides.

“That’s… fantastic, Nepeta.” He replies, shooting you a quick, nervous glance. “Are we all ready to go?”

You grip your sword a little tighter and simply nod, not really sure if you can speak without your voice cracking and definitely sure that you don’t want to find out. The new blade you’re currently calling your own was forged by Harley, as it were. You’re knack for losing swords brought a good chuckle from the old man, who is still unaware that one of those swords you lost were his legendary blade of cuddlefish or whatever.

What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Nepeta tries to take Karkat’s hand as you start to walk, but he slaps her away. This repeats for a few minutes until Nepeta gives up and the temple fades away behind you, then she decides to point out interesting rock formations.

“That one looks like a cat ready to pounce.” She says excitedly, pointing to a rock that you can clearly see resembles more of a moose in a cup than anything else. Especially a cat.

Something Rose said a long time ago comes to mind, as Nepeta pinpoints another cat-like stone (this one obviously mimicking Bill Cosby). She said that people often see what they want to see, even distorting reality or disregarding it completely so that everything fits into their own way of thinking.

Like Nepeta with these rocks, or maybe Karkat and Terezi with Gamzee’s murder.

What if they’re so hell bent on catching the culprit that they’re disregard reality just so that they can pin the blame on someone. Karkat once claimed that Aradia was trying to confess before she died. Had he completely forgotten about that? Nepeta, this little cat freak, doesn’t seem like a killer to you.

What if they’re wrong? What if what you’re doing right now is horribly, irrevocably wrong?

 “Awww.” Nepeta suddenly gasps. “I didn’t say goodbye to Equius this morning! He’ll be so upset when I get back.”

You break.

“Karkat!” You shout, coming to a screeching halt. “I need to take a monster piss!”

Both Nepeta and Karkat come to a stop as well and turn to look at you, confusion and surprise mirrored on each of their faces.

“Well then go piss.” Karkat says, looking at you like you’re the stupidest, most pointless thing in the world.

And maybe you are.

“I need your help... To piss.” You explain. “I need your help pissing, Karkat.”

Nepeta’s jaw is hanging slack, opposed to Karkat’s which is steadily grinding against his upper teeth.

“What in the actual fuck are you blabbering about?” He demands. “This better not be some weird, human, seduction thing.”

“It’s not. Just…. Just come behind this rock with me.” You take off, disappearing behind a large boulder.

You hear Karkat give a muffled groan and then there are his footsteps on the loose grey stones. He comes around the side of the boulder with his arms crossed.

“Alright, let’s just make this fast. What do you want me to do?”

“Listen, you damn crab.” You seize him by the collar. “We can’t do this man. We can’t fucking dump her out in the wilderness like this. It’s not right. It’s causing me to freak out. My stomach is thrashing around like a decapitated snake up in here.”

Karkat glares at you, but makes no move to remove himself from your grasp. He speaks in slow, steady, cold tones.

“If you can’t handle this. Then go back, Strider.” He breathes. “Or hike up your shame globes, calm your damn stomach with some of Nepeta’s nibbles, and help me do this.”

“What if she’s innocent?”

“She isn’t.”

“You said that Aradia...”

“I said, that Aradia said Gamzee’s name before she died. Yeah, I thought it was a confession before, but now I know it isn’t. She was probably going to tell me that Nepeta did it. She probably knew somehow.” Karkat lowers his voice an extra octave. “This is happening right now. I am doing this, with or without your help.”

“Karkat…”

“What’s it gonna be, Strider?”

“She’s like a little kid…”

“What’s it gonna be?”

You squeeze your eyes shut behind your shades, blocking out all light and hoping with all of your might that when you next open your eyes, that you’ll be somewhere else, _someone_ else. Anyone, but Dave Fucking Strider.

His collar slides out of your limp grasp.

“Take a piss.” Karkat says, moving away from you. “Then let’s go.”

You nod slowly and wait until he leaves to sag weakly against the boulder. This shit wasn’t written in the instruction manual for this fucking game. When you shoved that CD into your computer, you had no idea that you’d be without your Bro, trapped on a meteor, about to ruin some little alien girl’s life forever.

Why did you come with Karkat? Why did you volunteer for this stupid expedition?

Because it’s what had to be done. Because it’s what John would have done. Because it’s what Bro would have done.

Because it’s what a _hero_ would have done.

“I’m not a hero.” You murmur quietly.

And as you walk back around to rock to rejoin Karkat and Nepeta, that’s the only thing you truly believe.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

**STILL DAY ELEVEN.**

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently working on the latest chapter for your most recent literary work, you’re first full length novel.

It’s slow work for you, having to use an old fashion pen and paper instead of your usual laptop. Back on earth, you could type out prose and short stories with the speed and efficiency of an accomplished pianist, dancing fingers across the keys like Billy Joel playing the main stage at Madison Square Garden.

On a slightly unrelated note, what you wouldn’t give for a turntable and a copy of Mr. Joel’s ‘ _Stranger’_ vinyl. Of all the things you miss the most about your old life; music might just be near the top of the list. Right underneath fresh fruit and warm baths surrounded by ethereal incents.

Dave’s occasional rap ballads just don’t sate your unquenchable thirst for melody like they used to, like they never really did. You resolve to alchemize a violin the next chance you get.

Other than the lack of contemporary entertainment, living on the meteor hasn’t been all that bad. Judging from the locations of the various stars in the sky, you’d guess that your new home is smack dab right in the middle of the furthest ring, the natural realm of the Horrorterrors.

And yet, their influence is wonderfully absent.

You chalk up the disappearance of the voices to your death and resurrection to the God Tier. Apparently John was right in saying that death was indeed to cure to your stubborn throes. Either that or your distance from John himself has caused you to build up resistance to the eldritch ways. One last mystery that is presently left unsolved.

A set of footsteps cause the incessant _scratch_ of pen on paper to cease, as well as your thoughts of one, John Egbert.

“Hello, Rose.” It’s Kanaya.

“Hello.” You respond with a careful smile. “What can I do for you?”

She frowns.

“Nothing, I was just coming to see if you would appreciate my company.”

“At any other time, I would.” You twirl your pen between your fingers. “But as you can see…”

“Oh, yes of course.” She nods and begins to retreat. “I apologize.”

Your insides curdle with the unmistakable sourness of guilt. With a sigh you deposit your pen within the pages of your journal and snap it shut.

“No don’t apologize.” You motion her back. “Come. Have a seat.”

Her face brightens (literally) as she delicately alights on the floor by your side, carefully folding her long skirt underneath her legs.

“I’m sorry to interrupt.” She says, as you prop yourself up against her. “It’s just that I was… thinking, about everything that’s been happening and everything that’s _going_ to happen. It’s all rather scary, isn’t it?”

“I don’t think I would describe Nepeta’s exile as _‘scary’_. Sad, yes. Regrettable, yes. But not scary.” You rest your hand on her leg, comforting her with a gentle squeeze. “There’s no fear in doing the right thing, Kanaya.”

“I wish that I could be as sure as you.” Her eyes are a little misty. “I’ve always kind of seen Nepeta as younger than the rest of us, even though she’s actually a few days older than most. I suppose it’s her childlike persona that causes our opinion of her to sway towards the more innocent side of the spectrum.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask about his ‘ _persona’_ of hers.” You resist the urge to open your journal to a fresh page so as to take notes. “How did she first become interested in cats?  Where does her fascination for the furry little felines come from?”

“Exposure to human internet, I suppose.” Kanaya shrugs. “She didn’t _really_ get into it until after we created your universe, before that it was more… understandable, taking into account the nature of her lusus. Now it’s just…”

“Overbearing.”

“Exactly.”

You give a short laugh and Kanaya smiles in turn.

“You’re going to miss her, aren’t you?” You ask.

“Of course.” Kanaya gestures vaguely around the temple. “I don’t have to remind you that there aren’t that many of us left anymore.”

“Hmmm.” You hum, because she’s correct and because you can relate completely and because you have no idea what to say to that.

As your eyes rove over the temple, you see what’s left of your dreary little party. Equius is lying on the floor across the hall, asleep by the looks of it, but upon closer inspection you can see that he is eerily still. Pretending to be asleep no doubt, as to ward off any potential visitors.

You don’t blame him. In his shoes, you probably wouldn’t want to talk to anyone either.

Harley is inside the temple too, sitting at a table with your mother and talking amiably. They’re both using rocks for stools and passing playing cards back and forth. Your mother looks happy for the moment, enjoying some leisurely time during an era where there isn’t much to do besides sit around anyways.

You must stare at her for a while, because the next thing you know Kanaya is tapping your shoulder.

“Yes.” You turn to her.

“Why don’t you go talk to her?”

“I beg your pardon.”

“Your mother.” Kanaya nods towards the table. “Why don’t you talk with her?”

You shrug lightly and part the covers of your journal, seeking shelter within.

“I’m talking with you.” You answer. “And it would be rude of me to abandon our conversation for another.”

“That’s understandable, but I also can’t help but wonder why you don’t _ever_ talk to her.”

“She’s my mother. I talk to her all the time.”

“I’ve never seen you two together.”

“Then you must not be very vigilant.” You turn the page of your journal a little harder than necessary, causing a tear to form at the top of the paper. “Shit.”

“All I’m saying is that I know you and her’s relationship has been strained in the past. But now that you’re here together, maybe it would be a good time to reconnect.”

A small part of you knows that Kanaya is trying to help, but another, much bigger part of you, wishes that she wasn’t such a meddling twerp.

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Kanaya.” You’re speaking before you can stop yourself. “But truthfully, what do _you_ know about my relationship with my mother, in reference to the past? Answer: nothing that you haven’t heard second hand. Therefore, I think it would benefit us both if you didn’t talk about things you do not understand.”

Kanaya is silent for a moment. She doesn’t appear to be angry, or upset. She just nods.

“You know, Rose.” She says. “It’s troll custom for a Matesprit to introduce their suitors to their lusus sometime after their first kiss and before their first night together as partners.”

You stare pointedly down at the page, feeling an overwhelming desire for this conversation to be over. Of course your girlfriend would start to wonder why you had not formally introduced her to your mother. The relationship shared between you and Kanaya cannot move forward until you do.

“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.” You say evenly. “But I am not a troll, we are not on Alternia, and _I_ will decide what my mother knows and when she knows it. Please respect my choices.”

“Yes.” She shifts against you, rising to her feet. “Yes, of course. Excuse me.”

And then she is gone.

You keep staring at the page, long after she is gone, and long after you’ve more than four times proofread the words inked into the page with perfect form and grace.

“Its trash.” You decide, scratching out the last few words, then lines, then paragraphs and pages. “It’s utter trash.”

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

**STILL DAY ELEVEN.**

You are now Karkat Vantas. And this might be number one on the list of awful situations you’ve found yourself in.

As if being trapped on a meteor in the furthest ring wasn’t bad enough, here you are, out in the middle of nowhere, with Dave Strider and Nepeta Leijon. Two of your least favorite people in the universe.

That’s old news though. What’s currently a hot topic is whether or not Strider is going to flake on your in the next few minutes, when the reason for you coming out all this way finally blooms into fruition. Namely, you dump Nepeta’s sorry ass in the dirt and head home.

His little freak out earlier was more than enough to get the wheels turning in your head. Why hadn’t you brought someone else with you? Terezi or Kanaya would have come if you just ordered them too. Being out here with a dangerous murderer and a surprisingly weak spirited douchebag is not only stupid, it’s incredibly dangerous.

Dave walks by your side, muttering numbers under his breath like some sort of lunatic. Nepeta’s behind you, humming some merry tune and kicking rocks through the dirt. And you’re avidly examining the small husktop strapped to your wrist, trying to block both of them out.

Without any sort of satellite imaging or something, viewfinder is completely useless, although a distance application is still fully functional. Currently, you’ve traveled around seventeen and three quarter miles. A few more minutes of walking and you’ll have reached the appropriate distance to make this happen.

“Are you guy’s hungry?”Nepeta asks, rustling around in her backpack. “No one’s asked for any nibbles yet.”

“You keep ‘em.” You say, forcing your eyes to remain fixed firmly upon your watch.

“But I’m not hungry.”

“Well you might be later.”

“Later?” She questions. “How long are we going to be out here? I thought it was just fur a few hours.”

“Yeah,” Strider interjects. “I don’t know about you, but a few hours of walking sure gives me a serious case of the munchies. I feel like a college freshman, sitting in his dorm all day, cradling his Gatorade bottle bong and talking to his neighbor’s dog like it’s a person. Haha. Seriously, someone put some pizza rolls in the oven!”

What the fuck is he blabbering about now? You have no idea, and frankly, you don’t care. As long as he sticks to the plan, Dave can nervously ramble about whatever he wants.

“Haha.” You try to force as real a laugh as you can muster. “Good metaphor, Strider. Haha. Pizza rolls. Good shit.”

What has you life come to?

Nepeta looks between you and Dave quizzically.

“You guys are sure are acting furnny.” She says. “What’s going on?”

You look down at your watch. Only a few percents of a mile left to go.

“Nothing.” You bump her playfully with your elbow. “I’m just joking around, you know? Like seriously, wanna hear a joke.”

“Sure!”

“Knock, knock.”

“What?”

“Knock, knock.”

“I don’t get it.”

“You’re Jamaican me crazy.”

“…”

“I think I fucked that up.”

“Yeah.”

Strider shoots you a look, apparently unamused at you’re attempt at to replicate his earlier shitty joke. It not only appears that earth humor is beyond your grasp, but that you’ve now reached your destination. How Strider figured that out without his own husk-watch is a mystery to you, although you guess it has something to do with his unremitting counting.

You and Dave come to a stop. Nepeta heads ahead a few feet, chasing a small stone that she’s kicked, but stops and turns around when she notices that you and Dave are no longer by her side.

“What’s wrong?” She tilts her head to the side, examining the paleness of Dave’s face and the tensing of yours. “You guys look pawful. Are you sick?”

You take a deep breath. Strider is like a statue by your side. You came out here to do this and dammit, you’re gonna do it.

“We know that you killed Gamzee, Nepeta.” You say, as straight and calm as possible.

She blinks at you.

“What? No! No, I didn’t.” She looks between you and Dave quickly. “Karkitty, what are you…”

“Everyone has agreed that you’re guilty.”

“It was Kanaya! I told you this, Karkitty- Karkat! I told you!”

“So we’ve decided that you’re no longer…”

“It wasn’t me!” She takes a step forward and both you and Dave flinch. “We talked about his already! I saw Kanaya! I saw her! She was there and…”

You interrupt her.

“Equius told us that you did it.”

Her face falls. She gapes at you, mouth stretched open in a silent scream. Water forms at the corners of her large eyes and she takes another step forward.

“He- He didn’t… He wouldn’t. Karkat, he’s… I did it for him! Gamzee was dangerous and _I_ helped!”

Well, you guess that settles that.

“You’re not coming back with us, Nepeta.”

“What am I supposed to do!?” She shrieks, another step closer. “You can’t leave me out here!”

“I can and we are.” You grit your teeth. “You aren’t a part of this group anymore.”

For a second, you think that she’s going to lunge at you or something, but then:

“DAVE!” She turns to Strider and reaches for his sleeve. He backs away. “You’re my friend! At the dance we were friends, weren’t we? You aren’t going to leave me out here! You’re a nice guy. You’re so nice!”

Strider turns his face away from her, pointedly staring at the sky, anywhere but at her tear soaked, pleading face.

“Please!” She turns back to you now. “I can’t be alone! What am I going to do?!”

“I don’t care.” You say.

“Karkat!” She comes towards you quickly and suddenly Dave lunges forward, kicking her square in the stomach and knocking her into the dirt. “AAAH!”

“Don’t move.” He says, standing over her. “Don’t get up.”

She crawls on her hands and knees, looking up at you and Dave with a face of sheer confusion and fear. Her hat has been discarded at your feet and you stoop to pick it up.

“Nepeta.” You toss it back down so that it’s within her reach. “Don’t follow us.”

“Karkat…”

“Come on, Dave.” You grab Strider by the shoulder.

“Karkat!”

“Dave.” You tug the human by the arm, pulling him after you. “Dave, let’s go.”

“Karkat, please!”

Her screams don’t stop. Sometimes it’s your name, sometimes it’s others, but more often than not, it’s just indistinguishable wails of anguish.

You keep your eyes focused straight ahead, back towards the temple. Dave trudges along at your side. His counting has stopped and if it wasn’t for his footsteps on the loose stones, you’d have thought that he wasn’t even there at all.

Eventually her screaming stops, whether because you’ve walked far enough, or because her voice gave out is unknown to you. All you know for certain is that you’ll spend the next few nights thinking about her, and the next few weeks wondering about her, but one day…

One day you won’t think about her at all, and as you walk with a heavy heart, back to what’s left of your family, you try to keep that in mind.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

**DAY ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY- EIGHT.**

You are now John Egbert. Which means that you’re halfway through another jam session with your awesome band: _‘Ignorant Rhubarb and the Pretentious Jelly_ ’? Its one day after your run in with the asteroid field, your subsequent death, and reunion with Vriska.

“You know what I hate?” Jade blurts randomly. She’s in the process of tuning her bass.

“What?” You idly twiddle your fingers over your keyboard.

“Drop D.” She answers instantly with a grimace.

“Why?”

“It just gets in the way.” She explains, plucking out a few notes. “Like people who use it instead of standard tuning are just dumb.”

“That’s an elitist thing to say.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah.”

Jade gives a small _‘harrumph’_ and continues to pluck at her guitar. Biases against tuning techniques seem like a rather random topic, not to mention pointless now that you and Jade are the only musicians left in the universe. Well, besides Rose and you don’t know if what Dave does technically counts as _‘music’_ or not.

God you miss them

You tap the keys a few times, wondering how your friends are doing and if they’re still alive. You remind yourself that they are as tough as nails, surely they’ve lasted one hundred and seventy-eight days just like you, right?

As you think, you follow Jade’s slow notes, up and down the octaves. Fooling around for the most part until she is ready to start the next song.

“All I’m saying is this: dropped tuning, especially of the ‘D’ variety, just seems like the mark of an inexperienced bassist.” She plays a little riff and smiles at you.

“Do you even know what you’re talking about?” You chuckle, smiling back.

“Nope.” She jumps up from the cot, swinging her bass wildly and flipping her hair. “I’m a folk artist, John. I just wanted to see what you thought about it.”

“I have no strong opinions.”

“Duh. Everyone knows that about you, John. It’s just interesting to pick your brain every once and a while.”

“Can we stop talking and start jamming?”

“I’d thought you’d never say that.” She spreads her legs, taking up her signature rock star stance. “ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!”

She opens with a complicated series of blue’s notes, swinging her fingers around the neck of her bass like a monkey through the trees. You count with little foot taps against the floor, waiting for your time to jump in…

You should tell her about Vriska.

You should tell her that you saw Vriska when you were dead, and that she wants to train you, and that you’re planning on committing suicide tonight after she falls asleep.

What would Jade say to that? Would she tell you to go through with it?

Unlikely. You remember how she freaked out yesterday when you died completely on accident. You don’t want to imagine her reaction to you actually dying on _purpose._ Besides that, you feel a selfish twinge in your gut. These past months on the ship have been awful, with just the two of you for company.

But now you have an out, an actual escape that can take you directly to your significant other. This ship no longer feels like a prison now that you know that Vriska is only a bullet to the head away. Jade wouldn’t want you to leave her like that, but then again, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, right?

“JOHN!” Jade’s voice is inches away from your ear.

“Gah!” You jump sharply. “Jade! What is it?”

“You only played one note that entire song.” She knits her eyebrows, retreating back to her original spot. “What’s up with you?”

“Uh… My hand slipped.”

She looks skeptical, but just shakes her head and readjusts her bass so that it’s higher on her chest.

“Whatever, let’s play that song you wrote. What’s it called? The x-man?” She says.

“It’s called ‘ _Scott Summers’_.” You correct her.

“Yeah, Scott Simmers.

“NO. Scott Summers.” You correct her for a second time. “Who the fuck is Scott _Simmers_?”

“I don’t know. His gay cousin or something. Let’s just play, John!”

“Alright, alright.” You poise your hands above the keys once more and try to focus. “Count us in.”

Sometime later, after a vigorous practice and a little more bickering, you and Jade transition to the kitchen for a late dinner of cold cereal and toast.

“I used to like breakfast for dinner.” Jade mumbles sadly, crumbling her crispy bread between her fingers.

“I’m sorry. One day I’ll figure out how to alchemize something other than Raisin Bran.” Your promise, even though you will do no such thing. You just so happen to love Raisin Bran with a fierce intensity.

“Eh, don’t worry about it.” Jade pushes back her chair and stands up with a mighty stretch. “I’m gonna go feed the turtles and then hit the sack. You coming?”

You stir the final dregs of your cereal and make an effort keep your face buried in your shitty dinner, lest your plan be betrayed by your terrible poker face.

“Yeah. In a little bit.”

She hesitates before leaving, probably waiting to see if you’ll offer to accompany her. You know that she doesn’t like traversing the ship all by herself, but in a rare moment of completely uncouth insensitivity, you keep your big mouth shut and wait for her to move towards the door.

“Alright then.” Her massive collection of black hair disappears into the hall and you spend the next few minutes staring into your bowl.

Okay, now. How are you going to do this?

Your eyes flick up to a kitchen knife resting on the counter, next to your impressive collection of mugs. The blade is sharp and it glistens prettily in the light.

No. That’s too messy.

You glance towards the lamp in the corner. A sturdy power cord connects the lamp to the wall. All you’d need is a chair and a sturdy rafter then…

No. That’s too hard.

With a groan you press your face into your hands. Who would have thought that thinking of ways to kill yourself would be so hard? Let alone uncomfortable.

You’re just about to give up when you peek between your fingers at your bowl of cereal, still resting between your elbows. There isn’t much milk left, but you could always get more from the fridge, fill the bowl to the brim, and drown yourself amongst the soggy remains of both raisin and bran.

No. That’s just plain stupid.

Instead you get up and leave the kitchen, making your way towards the bedroom. You’ll prep for bed, wait for Jade to fall asleep, and then launch into action.

You think that tonight seems about as good a time as any for a quick bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm being honest, Nepeta's exile sort of choked me up a bit. Nothing is sadder than a 18 year old dude, sitting alone in his room in the dark, and crying over a story that he's writing, amiright? I'm just the coolest dude around.
> 
> You all know this already.
> 
> Enough about me, next chapter will be John and Jade centric, which is nice, since both those characters are a lot of fun for me. Prepare for more time skips and such. The timeline should flesh out soon, but basically all the stuff happening on the meteor takes place waaay before John and Jade's more plot thickening stuff.
> 
> Anyways. Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	35. ACT 4 - PART 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Self-Harm
> 
> Special thanks to [A Dreaming Songbird](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5718994/A-Dreaming-Songbird) for beta-ing this chapter. You can find her great work on Fanfiction.net

=> Be John Egbert

**STILL DAY ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-EIGHT.**

You are John Egbert. Which means that you’ve now died for the… seventh time?

Yeah, seven sounds about right.

With an egregious amount of spluttering and flailing, you come to life on the sandy dunes outside of Vriska’s and Tavros’s house. Well, you say _‘come to life’_ , but it’s really quite the opposite. You know what you’re trying to say, since you’re pretty much an expert at death by this point.

Lying in the sand for a moment, you try to think of how much time you’ll have here before you’re going to have to wake up. Jade went to bed a little later than usual, so that means you’ll have more time if she sleeps in, right? But then again, Ray and Egon get a little hungry in the mornings, so she might get up to feed them.

Just to play it safe for you first night, you decide to only spend a few hours here, maximum. Ensuring that Jade doesn’t freak out by finding your corpse half-submerged in the bath tub, and that you’ll have a good amount of time to chill with Vriska.

You wonder what kind of training she has in store for you. Hopefully it’s some _‘wax the floors’_ type shit. That would be awesome.

“John?”

You sit up quickly and look towards the person who had spoken.

“Aradia!” You face splits into a wide grin. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh. I’m dead, John.” She offers you her hand and you take it, climbing to your feet. “That’s old news.”

“Well yeah. I know that. I mean, what are you doing here?” You gesture around vaguely. “In Vriska’s dream bubble or whatever.”

At your words, Aradia’s eyebrows knit dangerously.

“ _This_ is not Vriska’s dream bubble. It’s Tavros’s. She only hijacked it like the lazy, manipulating bitch that she is.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, _oh_.” She huffs and tosses her hair, long and thick, over her left shoulder. “I wouldn’t touch Vriska with a thirty foot pole. The only reason I’m here right now is to give Tavros these.”

She shows you a bag under her arm, bursting at the seams with dozens of perfectly wrapped scrolls. They look all sorts of wizardy and magical.

“What are they?” You ask in wonder.

“Lore.” She explains. “Stuff about the game, rules, guidelines, and loopholes. He hasn’t told me what they’re for, but if I had to guess, he’s looking for a way to escape the void.”

“Really? That’s awesome!” If Tavros finds another way out, maybe you won’t have to fight Jack Noir for that ring after all. “How did you get that stuff?”

“Eridan had a lot of it. He’s actually been pretty helpful now that he’s dead.”

“Eridan?”

“Yeah.”

Now it’s your turn to look at her with indignation.

“How can you be talking to that guy?” You demand. “He’s evil.”

Aradia shrugs noncommittally.

“It’s all a matter of perspective, I suppose. I’ll admit that I hated him for fighting with Sollux, but dying changes your perspective on a lot of things, John. I’m surprised that you haven’t experienced that yet. When Eridan showed up a few weeks ago, the rest of us shunned him at first, but eventually he apologized.” A smile tugs at her lips. “He’s actually pretty fun to be around now.”

Several things about her words resonate within your mind. Firstly, where did this happy-go-lucky Aradia come from? The troll girl you knew didn’t seem to give a shit about anything, let alone seem liable to be happy about something. Everything was always just… tolerable with her.

And secondly, what the fuck does she mean _‘a few weeks ago’_? It’s been months and months since you and Rose tossed Eridan into that pit of Horrorterrors.

When you bring up your concerns to her, she just nods calmly.

“He didn’t die at first.” She explains.

“What do you mean?”

“Throwing him into that pit didn’t kill him, John. The Horrorterrors, they…” She trails off, eyes widening slightly. She begins to chew on her lower lip. “You know… Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this.”

You blink at her in surprise.

“What? Why not?”

“Some things you just need to find out for yourself.”

You’re really getting sick of all this confusing bullshit. Are you ever going to meet someone who’s just perfectly straightforward with you? Someone who doesn’t kill you, or hide things from you, or make sex to you when you’re unconscious.

Make sex? God damn, you really need to work on your vocabulary. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you and Jade to alchemize a few books in your spare time? Or maybe Tavros will let you borrow one of his.

“Do you want me to go talk to Eridan?” You offer.

“No.” Aradia scratches her temple nervously. “That probably isn’t a good idea either. Let’s just forget I said anything about it. He’s too busy hanging out with Nepeta anyways.

“NEPETA’S HERE?!?”

“Oh no.” She quickly slaps her hands over her mouth, but it’s far too late.

“What happened?!” You grab her by the shoulders. “How did Nepeta die?! Is anyone else here? Please tell me that no one else I like is dead!”

“John, I’m really, _really_ sorry.” She grabs your hands and pulls them off of her, but only to hold them tightly in her own. “But I really don’t think that I’m the person to be telling you this stuff. It’s much too complicated and you’d probably like to hear it from you real friends.”

“I consider you to be a _real_ friend.” You squeeze her hands in return. “Just tell me who else is dead!”

She sighs heavily.

“No one else is dead. Just Nepeta and Eridan.” Aradia takes a deep breath. “I guess I can tell you one thing though. You remember that message that I wanted you to give to Karkat?”

“Yeah, I left before you finished. Sorry about that.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Well… yeah, but still…”

“Anyways.” Aradia looks you straight in the eye. “I wanted Karkat to know that I saw Nepeta kill Gamzee.”

Well, you sure didn’t see that coming. You stare into Aradia’s dark, maroon eyes for a second, going over her words and processing them at the speed at which paint dries in the middle of a rain storm.

“What?” You eventually proclaim.

“I saw her sneak into his room and slit his throat with her claws.” Aradia continues. “The purple blood bubbled up from the gash, oozing in between his desperate fingers and spilling onto his sheets like a warm, frothy flood of…”

“Holy shit. You do _not_ need to be so descriptive.”

“Oh. Yeah, sorry.” She smiles warmly at you, only succeeding in making you more uneasy. You wonder if you can disentangle your hands from hers without appearing rude. “As I was saying, I saw her do it, but kept my peace about it, since Gamzee truthfully deserved what happened to him, at least in my eyes. With my last breath, I tried to tell Karkat what I saw, but couldn’t.”

“Wow.” You breathe. “That’s… pretty nice of you to tell Karkat what happened, or at least try to.”

“I just wish that I’d told him sooner, it could have prevented a lot of blood from being shed in the long run.”

“Blood… shed?” You echo. “Aradia, what are you talking about now?!”

“Oh, Gog!” She pulls her hands away from you and buries her face in them. “Bad, Aradia. Very, _very_ bad! Stop talking, you stupid bitch! I’m sorry, John!”

Before you can ask anything else, she drops her bag of scrolls, spilling them all over the ground, and turns on the spot to sprint away across the sand.

“Aradia!” You call after her, but she doesn’t look back. In frustration, you scream after her. “What the fuck, Aradia?!”

Your words disappear into the blackness of the void, along with your late friend. Grumbling to yourself about how much everything sucks, you stoop down and being scooping up her discarded scrolls. Even though your brief chat with Aradia was nothing but upsetting and confusing, you’re deliver her package to Tavros in her place. It’s the least you could do for her, after all.

Still a little peeved, you fumbled the last scroll and drop it into the sand again. You snatch it up, and on a whim, decide to give its contents a little peek.

Predictably, most of it is Alternian gibberish, save for a few English words written in all caps. Namely ROUGE OF VOID and MAID OF LIFE scrawled next to a rather poorly drawn picture of… what the hell is that? It looks like a toucan fucking a pile of grapes.

You understand nothing about troll culture.

With all the scrolls safely tucked away in Aradia’s bag once more, you set your sight on Vriska’s house. The door is unlocked again, leading you to belive that Tavros has not acted on his paranoia of burglars yet. If he was so worried about his precious books, you’d think he’d imagine up a deadbolt or something.

“Hello?” You call into the empty house. “Vriska, it’s me.”

“Joooooooohn!” Sings a familiar voice from the second floor. “Come on up!”

You do as you’re told and ascend the ramp, heading straight for Vriska’s room. The door is ajar, so you just push your way inside.

“Hey, I bumped into Aradia outside. She wanted to give these scrolls to Tavros but- AGURAH!” Something roughly the size and shape of a basket ball slams into your nose, knocking you backwards flat on your ass. “What the..?”

You look up with watery eyes to see Vriska juggling another one of those balls, with a grinning Tavros by her side.

“First lesson, Pupa.” Vriska smirks. “Always keep your eyes and ears on full alert. You never know when or where an attack is going to come from.”

“If I never know when or where an attack is gonna come from, how can I- OOOF!” Another ball slams into your gut.

“Second lesson. Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.”

“You weren’t talking though! You were- GAH!”

“Third Lesson. Keep your eyes on me at all times.”

“I can’t dothat _and_ stay on full alert at the same- FUCK! STOP HITTING ME WITH THOSE BALLS!”

Vriska tosses her head back in a shrill laugh. Tavros joins in too, as he reaches for anther projectile to supply his roommate with. Both of them are having _waaaay_ too much fun with this.

“Come on, John.” She steps forward and hauls you to your feet. “Meet me out side in ten seconds so that we can move on to the next stage of training: laps. A good badass can always run laps like a champ. Let’s go. I’ll race ya!”

She takes off down the ramp, leaving you in the dust with your mouth open and your heart filled with dread. You turn to Tavros.

“She’s going to be the death of me, isn’t she?”

Tavros chuckles and wheels himself over to you.

“You have no idea, Egderp. Now hand me those scrolls, Aradia sent them, right?”

“Yeah.” You pick up the bag and deposit it in his lap. “Aradia seems… different. Like crazy almost. Is she okay?”

“No one’s _okay_ , John. We’re all broken somehow.”

He has a point there. Who knew that Tavros was such a profound speaker? It’s probably from all the books he reads.

“She just said some really disturbing stuff and ran off before I could ask her anything, though.” You hear Vriska calling for you from outside the house. Quickly, you ask Tavros your question. “Can you tell me what happened to Nepeta? And Eridan too. She said that he showed up a few weeks ago.”

“They both did.” Tavros shrugs. “I don’t have all the deets though. I’m not very mobile, you see? That makes gathering info hard.” He fondly pets the scrolls. “Aradia’s been a real helper.”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s great.” You speak quickly, getting back to the point. “So you don’t have any idea what happened?”

Tavros looks up at you and grins again. It isn’t a happy grin though, not for you at least. It’s one of those smiles that lets you know how much he dislikes you, and how much he’s probably not going to tell you.

“If you wanna know so much.” He sneers. “Go ask your damn Matesprit.”

Then he rolls himself out into the hall, making a point to crush your toes on the way.

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley.

**DAY ONE THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE.**

You are now Jade Harley. Happy Birthday to you…

It’s not a _‘happy’_ birthday for a number of reasons. Firstly, by examining the crude calendar fastened to the kitchen wall, you can clearly see that your birthday was over four months ago. You’d missed it without even knowing.

This doesn’t bring any pangs of sadness or regret. Birthdays were never a big deal for you anyways. No neighborhood kids dropped by to hang out, no distant relatives sent post cards in the mail, it was mainly just you, your grandpa, and Bec going about all your everyday business, with the exception that Bec gave you an extra lick _‘good morning’_.

Rest in peace, Bec. Never forget.

Back on track, it isn’t even John’s birthday. That was a week ago. You’d missed that too.

So you guess that the only anniversary that you’ll be celebrating today is the one year anniversary of you being on this god-forsaken ship. That isn’t even tolerable, let alone _‘happy’_.

With a sigh, you reach up and scratch another ‘x’ through today. One year down, two more to go. At this rate, you’ll probably go insane before you even make it to year two, which might even be a blessing in surprise, considering that _anything_ is probably better than waves and waves of oppressive boredom washing down the halls in an insufferable flood.

Hell, it already seems like John’s gone off the deep end.

“John.” You mutter under your breath, a little ruefully.

He’s been… different.

Quieter and a little more serious. Not just that, but he’s dropped a lot of weight basically over night, losing any baby fat left to lose, sharpening his jaw bone, and punching a hole in his belt just to keep his pants up.

He sleeps more too, like _a lot_ more. (And here you were thinking that _you_ were the one with narcolepsy) It seems like he’s always exhausted nowadays, like he’s just finished running a marathon or fighting off a giant riddle snake. If that were the case, you wish he’d take you into these battles. You’d kill for a little action right now, _literally._

Thoughts of John lead you towards the next logical course of action: actually going to talk to him. Seriously, what else are you going to do? Leaving the kitchen area, you make your way down the hall towards the bedroom.

The corridor is littered with various debris and discarded clothes. With John basically hibernating now, the ship has fallen into a cluttered mess. You’d never admit this to his face, but honestly, you’re just too messy of a teenage girl to keep this place clean without his help.

You pass by a pile of abandoned socks, yours of course.

“I’ll pick them up later.” You decide weakly, stepping over them.

You don’t.

Opening the door, you flick on the light switch and illuminate the bedroom. Your cot is on your side of the room, where it always is, surrounded by various crap. You’re rifle is propped up next to your pillow, within easy reaching distance, and you bass guitar is hung up on the wall above your head, also within easy reaching distance.

You tried to decorate your living area at one point, but as it turns out, recreating all the posters that were in your old room is a lot harder than you thought it would be. Eventually you’d settled on drawing your own pictures to hang up.

There were two now, each stuck to the wall with tape on either side of your bass. The one on the left is a sun, bright orange and horribly misshapen. The one on the right is… well frankly you don’t know what it is.

You’d had a dream one night, more of a nightmare actually, and woken up with the image of a horrible demonic face seared into the inside of your mind. The picture showed a green skull, with billiard balls for eyes, and a wicked grin pulling up its skinless face.

When you had showed John the picture and explained your inspiration, he’d called it ‘ _disturbing’_. You’re inclined to agree, although you keep it up on the wall just to get under his skin. A little payback for the odd behavior he’s been displaying as of late.

Speaking of odd behavior, you turn to look at John’s side of the room. Your ecto-brother is flopped face down on his cot, sleeping like a rock and snoring like a chainsaw. His collection of shitty movies is stacked neatly on a nightstand, the Hammer of Zillyhoo is resting under his bed, and his ruined god tier outfit is folded neatly on the adjacent cot, waiting for you to fix it for him.

“I’ll get around to it.” You promise, wearily.

You won’t.

What’s odd about John’s area is the vast collection of terrible, disgustingly rude messages now coating the wall.

_“Stupid.”_

_“Worthless.”_

_“Spineless.”_

_“Waste of space.”_

You know now that he’s the one that’s been scrawling the messages. Whether subconsciously or in an effort to knock himself down a few pegs, you don’t know. At first you’d just ignored them, thinking it was his way of having a laugh.

Then you asked him about it.

“Hey, John.” You’d said.

“Yeah?” He’d answered.

“What’s this?” You had pointed to one of the scribbles. “Why is this here?”

He looked at you with confusion.

“Why’s what here?”

“This.” You traced the awful letters with your finger. “Did you write this?”

“Write what? What are you talking about?”

“… Nothing.” You stepped away from the wall, eyes wide. “Just- Just forget it. I’m going to bed.”

“Okay.”

“You aren’t coming?”

“In a bit.” He’d said, retreating towards the door. “I’m just gonna go hang out elsewhere for a bit. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“… Okay.”

You’d dropped the subject then, fear clutching your heart in its icy grip.

Were you going insane? Were you seeing things that weren’t really there? These questions bounced around in your head for a long time as you watched John steadily drift away from you, and continue to drift, as the ship speeds ahead towards a destination that seems further and further with each passing day.

Now you know that you aren’t crazy. Now you know that _John_ is the crazy one.

Snatching up a marker from his nightstand, you get to work scribbling out as many of the words that you can reach. John’s windy abilities have granted him access to some of the higher points on the wall, even some parts of the ceiling, places that you can’t reach by jumping like an idiot.

You scratch out _“Hang yourself.”_ And write over it: _“Hang out with me.”_ instead. This reverse graffiti is actually kind of fun and a little gratifying too. Maybe your kind messages will help him to shake off his stubborn, wacky throes.

Finishing your latest uplifting message (changing _“You’re awful.”_ to _“You’re awfulsome!”_ ) you cap your marker and put it back down, smiling for the first time in a while. Now comes step two of making your life better.

“John.” You grab him by the shoulder and shake him roughly. “Hey. Wake up, sleepy head.”

He groans into his flat pillow and tries to bat you away.

“No.” He moans. “No. Not the bees…”

“John!” You grab him by the collar and drag him towards you. He flops onto the floor like a sack of flour. “Agh! You suck! No. I mean, you can do it!”

He mumbles again in his sleep.

“Dork.” You grab him under the arms and haul him back onto the cot. Even after all your shaking and shouting and dropping, he’s still out cold. “What’s the matter with you?”

He doesn’t answer. He just keeps on sleeping.

With a sigh you get to work, pulling off his shoes and then that blazer of his. For some reason, he’s still wearing this coat around like it’s a part of his regular ensemble or something. You wonder why.

Kanaya made it of course, but you don’t recall John and her being all that close. Or at least close enough for John to treasure this coat like a valuable heirloom. Oh well, you’ll take his obsession with this blazer over self-hating wall drawings everyday of the week.

You take off his glasses last and place them on his nightstand. You don’t know what you were expecting when you came in here. It’s not like you’ve ever earned his attention like this before. You guess that it’s just your warrior’s spirit that keeps you from giving up, that and John is the only other person on this ship.

You’re sort of stuck with him.

“You probably don’t even care,” You brush the long bangs off his forehead. “But your birthday was last week. We missed it. If you were your normal, everyday self, we probably would have watched awful movies and ate cake and just… had fun. You remember fun, right?”

His eyebrows knit together and his forehead wrinkles, caught in the midst of some nightmare. You rub his crown softly, trying to dispel some of the tenseness there. He doesn’t need to be tormented in his sleep. Real life is a nightmare enough already.

With a sigh and a final pat on the cheek, you move back towards the door. With your hand on the light switch, you look back towards his sleeping form. You’ve had enough of waiting around. You aren’t going to wait for John to get his shit together, or for this flying boat to finally reach its destination. You’re Jade Fucking Harley god-dammit, it’s time you started acting like her.

“You promised that you weren’t going to leave me.” You mutter quietly.

When he doesn’t respond, you turn your back on John and flick the lights off.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

**DAY FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY.**

You are once again John Egbert. Which means you’re now dead for the… two hundred and forty-ninth time? Something like that?

You don’t know. You’ve lost count.

Tonight you’re running laps, but with the addendum that Tavros is using you as his own personal riding horse.

“Faster, John! Faster!” He cheers, digging his heels into your ribs.

“I – hate,” You huff heavily. “You.”

“Now, now, Egderp. That’s no way to talk to your assistant coach.” He grabs a fistful of your hair and tugs your head to the left. “Let’s go around those rocks over here.”

You jog across the sand, over a slight hill, and around the clump of red stones. The edge of Tavros’s biome is a few yards away and beyond that the void stretches out for all eternity. You have an overwhelming urge to toss your rider into the abyss, but resist the temptation.

That sort of back sass would probably earn you few more pushups. You know the ones, the type of pushups where Vriska lies on you back and yells rude things about your mother. You suppose that the angry, stereotypical, jar-headed coach approach is supposed to be motivating, but really it’s just obnoxious.

“Why are you stopping?” Tavros asks when you, indeed, begin to slow. “Did I tell you to stop, John?”

“No.” You admit. “I was just wondering if you could tell me who lives there.”

You nod your head towards the large, red apartment complex that’s floating next to Feferi’s and Sollux’s fishbowl/castle/beehive/home. All of the trolls have their own various hives and homes, but that building is just… there, with no occupant as far as you know.

“That’s none of your business.” Tavros answers indignantly. “You’re here to train, not to ask questions.”

“Maybe if you answered some of my questions, I wouldn’t be so curious.” You snap back.

“If you wanna know so bad, just ask Vriska.”

“I did and she won’t tell me either.”

“Well then…” He pauses for a moment, and then continues nervously. “If you must know, Vriska told me explicitly to not tell you who lives there.”

You’re stunned.

“Really? Why wouldn’t she want me to know?”

“That’s between you and her, isn’t it? I just do as I’m told.”

“I bet you must feel _real_ satisfied with your life then.” You growl.

“Wow, since when did you become so bitter?” Tavros chuckles. “And like you’re one to talk by the way, you’ve been jumping through hoops for her too ever since you booted up this game.”

“Whatever.” The truth in his words only darkens your mood further.

“Oh, chin up, Egderp. You’ll learn your place one day, just like me.” He tugs on your hair again, urging you forward once more. “And to answer your question, yes. I am satisfied with my life.”

“Or death?”

“Yeah, you know what I mean.”

You jog the rest of the way around the outer edges of Tavros’s dream bubble and then make a beeline straight for his hive. Vriska is waiting on the front porch, stop watch in one hand and a tall glass of something that looks like lemonade in the other.

“Forty minutes.” She comments, clicking the stop watch as you approach. “What happened? Did you guys stop to pick daises?”

“Nope. If you ask me, he’s starting to wear down a bit.” Tavros steers you over to his chair and you lower him down into it.

“That’s probably enough for tonight anyways.” Vriska steps forward and you reach out to accept the lemonade, only she gives it to Tavros instead. “Sorry, Pupa. It’s important not to replenish liquids after a hard workout, so that you have a buildup of slime deposits.”

“I don’t think you understand how humans work.” You groan, collapsing onto the front steps. “Vriska, I think I’m gonna die. Like for real this time.”

“Nonsense, you’re doing fine.” She plops down next to you and throws her arm around you shoulders. “Why don’t you wash up at the well and meet me upstairs? We have a few hours before you gotta wake up, right?”

You look at your wristwatch and confirm that you still have a little over three hours before Jade is supposed to wake up.

“Yeah, okay.” You stand up, a little wobbly on your feet, and meander your way over to the well around the back of Tavros’s hive. As you’re splashing cool water in your face, you suddenly get the oddest feeling that someone is watching you.

“Sup.” Gamzee grins toothily at you when you look up.

“Hey.” You respond.

“Is Tavros around, man?”

“He was out front last time I checked.”

“Rock n roll, man. Take it easy.” He lumbers away across the sand and you wait until he’s gone before going back to washing your face.

Gamzee seems tame enough in the after-life, but you’ve heard enough about what he’s done in the past to be weary of him. You hadn’t asked his opinion on Nepeta after she murdered him. One, because that seems rude, and two, because Tavros told you to never bring that up. Apparently it sets the berserker troll off.

After you’re dripping wet and feeling wonderfully cool, you make your way back into the house and up the ramp. Vriska is waiting in her room.

“Shut the door and come in.” She doesn’t even offer you a towel. She stands up and begins fooling with buttons of her jeans. “Are we doing the bed again or are you finally feeling man enough to try the recuperacoon?”

“Bed please.” You pull your shirt over your head and fold it nicely, before setting it on the floor. As Vriska comes over and gets started on your belt, you speak: “Hey. Is it cool if I ask you some questions again?”

“Sure, what’s on your mind?”

“Well, a few things actually.” You step out of your trousers. “But first, can you tell me again what happened to Eridan and Nepeta?”

Her hands come to a halt, gripping the elastic of your boxers.

“I already told you everything I know.” She answers evenly. “All that stuff happened a long time ago.”

“Yeah, but…” You rub the back of your neck. “Can you just- Can you just stand up please? I can’t really talk to you when you’re down there.”

She laughs and straightens up. With a firm grip, she guides your hands to the hem of her shirt. You pull it up and over her head, past her horns, with practiced ease.

“I understand what you’re feeling, John.” She moves close, until skin touches skin. “But there’s nothing you can do to help your friends…”

“I… If- if you just explain it again…”

“They’re safe right now. You’re safe right now. Isn’t that all that matters?”

You don’t respond at first. You buy yourself some time by pulling off her sunglasses and revealing her ruined eye. A tangle of dark hair instinctively falls over the jagged scar, but you brush it up, tucking it safely behind her ear.

“Yeah. I guess it is.”

Her hands come around your back and you hiss quietly when her cold, metallic fingers dig into your skin.

“Anything else?” Her voice is low and husky.

“Who lives in those apartments?”

Her breath comes in a short, sharp burst that brushes against the hairs on your chin and neck. Vriska looks at you with a cold glare.

“I told you not to worry about that place.” She says.

“But…”

“John!” Vriska seizes both of your hands in hers, demanding your full attention. “Do you trust me, or not.”

You nod slowly.

“Good.” She pulls you towards the bed. “Now I have a question for you.”

“Okay.”

Vriska’s hard shove is as unexpected as always, and it forces you onto you back.

“Do you like this?” She asks, crawling atop you.

“Yeah.”

Hands roam.

“What about this?”

“Yes.”

Her eye gleams mischievously and the tip of one of her fangs pokes out from beneath her blue lips.

“What about… _this_?”

You’re mind goes wonderfully, blissfully blank.

Later that night as you and Vriska intertwine together on the sheets, you can’t help but wonder what sort of secret she is so intent on hiding from you.

Exhaustion hangs from your bones like the icicles on your roof in winter, but still you mind is alive with activity. These last two hundred days or so have been spent working your ass off under Vriska’s tutelage, and in return you’ve gotten a bunch of riddles and mysteries to add to your growing collection.

The first time that you’d asked, Vriska had fervently denied explaining to you anything about Nepeta’s and Eridan’s deaths. It had taken a few months, a few favors, and a nice lay to get the words out. Now, when you ask for clarification, she’s just twice as evasive.

You know the basic outline of what transpired on the meteor, the exile of Nepeta and… everything that followed. Visiting the void on a nightly basis, you know that none of your friends are dead. However that doesn’t stop you from worrying about them. If only you could just talk to them, or even Nepeta or Eridan for that matter. Vriska had fervently warned you against traveling anywhere near their hive.

If only you knew who was living in those apartments….

 It happens then, with Vriska snug in your arms and a pleasant warmth in your chest, you decide to stop jumping through her hoops and start setting up a few hoops of your own. With a plan in your mind, you slip away from you Matesprit and re-dress. You only have around half an hour now before you need to wake up and meet Jade, so you better be quick.

Out of the house, across the sand, through the void you run, carried aloft by nights upon nights of training and a desire to find the truth. You fly towards the red apartment complex and up to one of the windows on the highest floor, ignoring everything else but your destination.

When you peek through the glass, you’re jaw drops. Quickly, you grab the bottom of the window and slid it upwards, finding it to be gloriously unlocked. The occupant inside has yet to notice your presence. They’re sort of preoccupied at the moment:

“They're sippin on apple jay,

With a mouth full of cotton and a head full of DJ.

_Dee_ , _aay_ , _vee_ , to the mother fuckin _eee_.

Chilling with his bro's watching MLP.

And yeah, they don't stop.

I’m here and this party just about to rock.

And yeah, we don't quit.

Hey man can you please drop some gangsta shit.

I jam rough and stuff with this red faced fuck.

Hand cuffed, you know, about to tear shit up.

I know what you’re thinking, you can never beat I.

Come on ladies, you'll catch me like pink eye.

You ain't ever known someone like me, oh!

You think you can outrank, the overlord, me…”

 It’s then that Dave halts his rap and turns to find you floating outside his window.

"Oh. Hey, John.” He smirks. “What's up, Bro?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Facts about John: Try to Understand  
> -Dave has died the most, a total of 166,890 times. John is a close second at 249. Jade is third with 2.  
> -You have never been: Equius or Nepeta.  
> -The song Jade and John play in chapter Thirty-One is Brandy (You're a Fine Girl) by Looking Glass. They're band, Ignorant Rhubarb and the Pretentious Jelly, is also featured in another of my stories on FanFiction.net  
> -Rose's real name is not Rosanne, Rosanna, Rosalie, Rosalia, Rosalina, Rosemary, Rosemarie, Rosario, Rosette, or Rosetta. At this point, only John and her mother know what it is.  
> -The Scratch was first mentioned in chapter two. It is now chapter Thirty-Five. We'll get to it eventually.  
> -This is stupid.
> 
> Thanks again to A Dreaming Songbird for beta-ing this chapter. And thank YOU for reading.  
> \- Mike


	36. ACT 4 - PART 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jeedies for Beta-ing this chapter. You can find her Tumblr here: [Shazam!](http://jeedies.tumblr.com/)

=> Be Dave Strider

**DAY FOURTEEN.**

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too…

Ugh, who are you kidding? It’s _never_ a good thing to be you.

No matter what you’ve heard, even if you think you know, it is not good to be Dave Strider. Sure, it’s a little fun at first. You crack some jokes, make puns, act arrogant, smash a few heads together, and then woo the ladies. Who doesn’t wanna be a badass every once and a while?

But then there’s the other side of the coin. You know the one, that side of the coin that’s horribly scratched and disfigured, the side where all of the bad things hide, leaving the good side sparkling and pure.

There are times nowadays where you find yourself roaming the rocky hills around the temple by yourself, looking up at the stars with an expressionless gaze behind dark glasses and just wondering…

About John. About Jade.

About Bro.

Where is he? Is he okay? What is he doing? Does he still want to want to kill you and your friends? How will he even know where to find you?  Will he even still care about you if you bump into him again?

All questions and no answers, a running theme in the sci-fi, space opera that is your life. You haven’t seen your Bro since the first battle for The Scratch on LOHAC, where he fought John, where you saved his life, and where he spared yours. He’d disappeared, as much a phantom as ever, leaving you to simply wonder as to his whereabouts.

You kick a stone a few steps ahead of you, then abandon it in favor of counting out the seconds once more. Fighting the subconscious desire to vocally keep track of time has proven to be fruitless. It’s much easier to embrace the crazy than to try and resist if. If you can’t beat them, join them, amiright?

“Fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty, one, two.” You scrape your sneakers as you ascend a hill. At the very top, you get down and sit crosslegged on the jagged stones. “Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two.”

If your Bro were here right now, he’d probably have already found a way off this meteor. You don’t know how, you just know that he would. Bro takes care of business like that.

Not that everyone else here hasn’t been trying. In the three days after Nepeta’s exile, everyone has been setting their sights on the next problem: escape. Sitting around, waiting for John and Jade to show up (if they ever do), just isn’t cutting it for everyone. You’re a group of action-oriented people, therefore you must act.

Equius in particular has been working around the clock in a makeshift lab that he scrounged together. Closed off with thick, plastic curtains, his silhouette can be seen bustling around all types of machinery. You assume that he’s building a space ship, although it’s hard to tell exactly. The one time you peeked in, the place just looked like one, mechanical, wiry, mess. No one’s bothered asking him either. It’s like he’s also been exiled in a way. Everyone just seems to want to give him space at the moment, you included.

Dude probably has some major aggression to work out, so it’s probably best for you to be out of his impressive reaching distance.

Footsteps on the rocks draw you from your bottomless well of thoughts. You turn to see that Harley is struggling his way up the loosely packed stones.

“Stupid old man.” You mutter. “He’s gonna bust his ass out here.”

“Not if you give him a leg up!”

Oh shit, apparently he heard you.

Grumbling enough to make Karkat proud, you stand up and stretch, before carefully traversing the hill down to his level.

“Here, take my arm.” You say, extending your elbow. “That way if you fall, I’ll be dragged down with you.”

“There’s a good chap.”

The pair of you slowly continue towards the top of the hill.

“What are you doing out here, Harley? Don’t you know it’s dangerous?”

“Not any more dangerous than where I used to live.”

“The island?”

“You betcha,” He nods around the grey landscape. “Both were isolated, but beautiful in their own little ways, both deserve to be explored too.”

You snort at his words.

“Well explore away, pal. Let me know if you find any diamonds or beach resorts. I’ve been looking all over for them day and night.”

As you reach to top, he gently pulls away and points towards the sky with his remaining hand.

“No need for sarcasm, Sonny. This place ain’t much at the ground level, but…” He nods with his head. “Just stop for a moment, Son, and take a gander at this.”

You follow his pointing finger and see the massive expanse of stars stretching overhead like some great blanket of blinking light.

“Wow, stars. Someone call the news.”

“Take off your sunglasses and look again.”

You turn to Harley and find him staring at you intently.

“No.” You look away again.

“Why not?”

“Because…” You shrug. “Just cause, man.”

“Suit yourself.” Out of the corner of your eye, you see him look skyward once more. “But you sure are missing out.”

Psshh. What the fuck does this old bat know about anything? You’re Dave Fucking Strider. You’ve worn shades since birth. You aren’t about to whip them off just to go star gazing with your main girl’s old pop.

And yet...

The way he’s looking towards the sky now, with unabashed wonder and amazement, piques your curiosity. What’s so cool about the damn sky? Why is he so interested?

More questions. You hate questions.

“Fuck it.” You pull off your shades.

The sky and everything around you erupts into vibrant color. Harley’s green coat looks infinitely more green, your red pants are more obnoxious than ever, and the sky… the fucking _sky_ , man…

It’s not just black, intermitted by little white specks of light. There are deep purples and blues, violent reds and clashing golds. The whole thing reminds you of that Van Gogh picture which looks like he painted it whilst celebrating four-twenty with reckless abandon.

“Wow.” You breathe before you can stop yourself.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Harley agrees. “In its own little way.”

His words remind you that he’s there. You quickly re-don your shades, hiding once more in the cover of darkness. The world seems more manageable with panes of glass between you and it.

“Can’t deny that smashing view, huh?”

“Yeah.” You turn to leave. “Think you can make it down on your own?”

“Nope.”

“Ugh.” You slouch to a stop, almost to the edge of the hill. “Well then do you wanna come with me?”

“No.” He waves you back over. “I’m not done yet.”

“Well hurry it up. Some of us got places to be.”

When you come back within reaching distance, he puts a hand on your shoulder and steers you over to his side.

“Look up, Dave.” He says. “And don’t worry about the future. Don’t be rushing off to do something else. Live in the present and just think.”

You roll your eyes.

“About what?”

“About whatever comes to mind.” His eyes grow distant. “For me it’s God.”

“Wonderful.”

“Are you a man of God, Dave?”

“No.”

He pats you twice on the shoulder and the soft impacts burn more than any fierce fist-bump from your Bro.

“That’s alright, I suppose. Do you mind me asking, why?” His voice is even and not demanding in the slightest. Still, you begin to sweat.

“I dunno.” You shrug once more. “Shit just doesn’t seem real.”

“By _‘shit’_ , I assume you’re talking about religion, right?”

“Sure.” For some reason, you’re starting to talk. “I mean, with all the crap we’ve seen and done, how can there be a God? Doesn’t it seem like he would have done something before me and my friends blew up our planet? I’ve seen the afterlife, man, and trust me: there are no pearly gates.”

“Oh yeah,” Harley nods with understanding. “The most common of all the rubbish arguments. _‘If God is real, why haven’t I seen him?’_ That’s as old as time itself, you see? That young Rose lass told me about _‘the void’_ or whatever you chaps call it. You’ve died before, right?”

“Yeah.” You remember the feeling of Jade’s lightning bolt blasting you in the chest when you leapt to defend your Bro. It had burned like a hot iron, an intense pain that had rippled through every muscle of your body. You shiver at the memory.

“And you mean to tell me, that in that moment, you did not feel The Lord’s hand in yours?”

You turn from the sky to look into Harley’s eyes. You see warmth and openness, and all other sorts of disgusting fatherly-things.

“No.” You answer. “No I did not.”

He’s silent for a moment, simply staring into your shades as if trying to scrutinize every detail of the black glass. You feel uncomfortable under his gaze, like you’ve got something to hide. You don’t though. The old man already knows that you have a massive boner for his granddaughter. What else do you have to worry about?

“I see.” Harley eventually says with a slow nod. “It’s alright to feel that way.”

“What way?”

“Like you aren’t worth his time. Most blokes feel that way. What you got to realize is that you _are_.”

“Psshh.” You snort and step away. “Fuck, man. What the hell’s your problem? Did you come up here to just to sprinkle me in your religious bullshit? What makes you think that you know what I’m _‘feeling’_? You don’t know the first thing about me.”

You expect him to go on the defensive, or to at least show some signs of injury from your partially barbed words.

“Well, this is me trying to get to know you.” It’s his turn to shrug. The nonchalant movement doesn’t suit him. It seems too forced. “I’m just asking a few questions is all.”

“No. It seems like you’re trying to convert me.” You start towards the temple. “If you wanna know where I stand with the big man, then get out a pen, because here it goes: I think it’s best that me and whoever’s pulling the strings just stay out of each other’s way.”

“Come on back, Sonny.”

“No.” You glance over your shoulder at him. “And stop calling me that. I’m not your _son_ , and you’re sure as hell ain’t my dad.”

“Dave.” His footsteps tell you that he’s giving chase. You stop at the crest of the hill, not wanting to risk him tumbling down behind you. “Dave, just hold onto your trousers for a second.”

“My trousers have never been held tighter.”

“That’s good.” He grabs your shoulder again and turns you around. “Now listen up. I don’t want us to have any more rows. You and I are stuck here together for the rest of the foreseeable future and the way you and I hit it off now, may depend on whether or not I let you continue to see my Jade when we meet up with her again.”

“Why are you even considering letting me and Jade be together?” You demand. “Don’t you know that I’m an insufferable prick?”

He chuckles at that.

“You know what, Dave? I think you’re only trying to fit into the shoes of an insufferable prick. You have a capacity to be good, and brave, and genuine. I belive that.” He motions towards the sky. “Sometimes you just gotta take off those sunglasses and see what other people see.”

“I think I’m gonna throw up at how cheesy this is.”

“Well then get that out of the way, cause there’s more where that came from.” He grabs onto your arm and motions for you to lead the way down the hill. “I just think that you should know, Dave, that I’m proud of you.”

This catches you off guard, causing you to stumble over your next step. You brush it off though with a quick cough.

“Uh… What for?”

“For accompanying that young alien fellow to get rid of that young alien girl.” He says. “Not many people would have done what you did that day.”

“Well…” You look away so he won’t see the grin tugging at your lips and focus your gaze on the dimmed stars. “I can think of a few.”

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

**DAY TWENTY.**

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently in the process of alchemizing some sweet new gear. Nothing too fancy, just a little something to spice up your sparse living quarters. As an accomplished witch and psychologist, you understand the emotional and mental impact of being in the company of things that make you feel at ease. There’s a certain magic that comes with a soft blanket, a cup of tea, and the latest, weighty tome containing various facts about the zoologically dubious.

For a grim witch, you sure do appreciate the creature comforts.

The Alchemiter is relatively easy to manipulate. Using what leftover grist your group has available, and a few miscellaneous ingredients, such as a hand knitted pot holder and some of Kanaya’s spare fabrics, you can create something new.

Like a blanket.

With a high-pitched whine, the Alchemiter spits your new, plushy blanket into your lap.

“Perfect.” You allow yourself a small smile and hold the cloth up to the light. “It’s utterly perfect.”

You can already imagine this fine example of craftsmanship draped over your cot, waiting for one of the slow days when you can give it the attention it deserves.

Namely: snuggle the absolute snot out of it.

Huh. You guess it’s ironic that the only thing you feel comfortable snuggling with is an inanimate object. Late nights, curled up with your mother by the fire were never a thing, you didn’t have a big, warm dog to pile atop of in your bed, and until now you’ve never been in a relationship with anyone where you deemed such intimacy appropriate.

Kanaya isn’t much of a spooner either. Every article of clothing that covers her glowing skin, down to her lacy knickers, are constructed of the finest fabrics, never to be wrinkled or dirtied in any way.

Least of all by your disgustingly plain body, which contains about as much sex appeal as a rotting piece of road kill.

Kanaya has never said this of course. She probably hasn’t even thought it either.

You know full well that your poor body image is simply within your own mind and that Kanaya finds you perfectly attractive. It’s just hard to block out the negative thoughts sometimes.

Thoughts of Kanaya lead you to the next, most rational course of action: actually going to talk to her. Seriously, what else are you going to do? Sit here and admire your blanket? If you go talk to your Matesprit, there might actually be a chance that you’ll get to test this bad boy out.

If you know what I’m saying. (wonk)

(wink*)

With a sigh, you remember Kanaya’s words from over a week ago. The whole _‘trolls cannot forward their relationships physically without a blessing from their partner’s lusus’_ is a real drag. You wonder how John and Vriska became intimate without such stipulations. Probably because both of their guardians are dead, or because Vriska just doesn’t give a shit and John is too emotionally weak to stop her.

Your stomach rolls uncomfortably when you think about John and the possibility that he and Jade might be dead. You feel sick and the thoughts of John being with Vriska don’t help in the slightest, quite the opposite. If you could talk to him now, you’d remind him of how manipulative and evil Vriska can be, how much of a bad influence she was, and how much of a bitch she is.

If you could talk to John you’d tell him… you’d tell him a lot of things.

Clutching your blanket tighter, you stand up from the Alchemiter and make your way towards the center of the temple. Not many people are inside at the moment. Equius can be seen behind those curtains of his, working tirelessly on some mysterious project, and Terezi is sitting at the table, laughing loudly with Dave.

“Hehe. No, no, no.” She’s saying as you approach. “His horns are waaaay shorter than that. They’re more like _this_.”

You see that they’re bent over a sheet of paper, drawing a rather crude picture of Karkat getting familiar with an extremely phallic looking construct. Such childish exploits don’t amuse you normally, but with your new blanket under your arm, you’ll award them a small smile.

“Stretching your artistic legs, I see.” You comment, bending over Dave’s shoulder.

“We were playing tic tac toe.” He replies as he colors in Karkat’s sweater. “But after Tz licked the page for the fourth time, I decided our efforts best spend elsewhere.”

“We’re gonna put this on the fridge!” Terezi cackles happily. “Right, Dave?”

“Damn straight.”

You nod in appreciation and make a mental note to take it down before your mother or Harley get a good look at it.

“I’m sure Karkat will enjoy that very much.” You say and then skip to the point of this conversation. “Is there any chance that you’ve seen Kanaya around anywhere?”

Dave taps his chin with his pencil for a moment, exchanges a look with Terezi, and then turns to you.

“She came by a few minutes ago, asking to see our mom. I told Kanaya that she was outside by that rock that looks like Randy Newman.”

You raise your perfectly shaped eyebrows in surprise. That’s certainly interesting.

Not the Randy Newman rock. That’s old news. The Kanaya tidbit.

Kanaya: Looking for your mother, without you, without your consent, without even talking to you. There could only be one reason for such behavior. She is going to circumvent you completely and tell your mother everything about your relationship together.

How childish, how meddlesome, how very… Kanaya.

“I see.” You purse your lips. “Excuse me.”

Dave looks at you nervously as you back away. He’s obviously thinking along similar lines as you, albeit more worried about whatever drama he might have accidentally caused by being honest with you. Terezi goes immediately back to drawing, howling like a manic, as you make your exit.

Outside the temple, you can see Karkat standing by himself against the wall, arms crossed, with an air of complete and total teenage angst swarming around him like a hive of bees. Before you even open your mouth, he jabs a thumb around the side of the temple.

“Over there, by the Nandy Rewman rock.” He says darkly. “Tell Kanaya I said _hi_ , okay?”

You don’t pause to correct Mr. Newman’s name. His words have given you bigger fish to fry.

“Why don’t you tell her yourself?” You immediately catch onto the subtext of his words. “If you feel that your relationship with Kanaya is threatened by our Matespritship, then simply make an effort to spend more time with her. Don’t mope around and sass me just because you lack the spine to back your words with actual action.”

He rolls his eyes.

“Wow, Lalonde. Great perception skills. Once again you impress us all with your vast knowledge of obnoxious shit.” He pushes off the wall and brushes past you. “I’d hurry up if I were you. Kanaya can be a real chatterbox sometimes.”

You have the urge to turn on him, whipping out your wands and blasting him with a well aimed spell. However, you let him pass. He’s right, of course. You’re bad mood and anxiety is causing your piecing words to only grow in stopping power, not to mention your lack of sensitivity.

In the future you’ll make an effort to reconnect Karkat and Kanaya. Right now though, you have a tea party to break up.

When you round the corner, both of the women are sitting on the ground with their legs folded up beneath them. They’re both smiling, Kanaya’s is warm and genuine, and your mother’s is plastic and forced. Hopefully you aren’t too late.

“Rosie!” You mother cheers when she sees you. “Come have a seat darling, we were just talking about you.”

“Is that so?” You give your mother your sweetest smile.

Kanaya’s eyes are pointedly fixed on the ground.

“Yes, yes.” Your mother continues. “Kankan here was just telling me what a fantastic knitter you are. Of course I already know this. You should have seen her room, Kankan. It was littered with these little knitted socks and scarves. How adorable!”

You grit your teeth as Kanaya laughs lightly and smiles once more at your mother. This is coming to a stop right now.

“I’m sorry, mother, but I’m afraid that I’m going to have to steal Kanaya away for a moment.” You speak calmly in harsh contrast to the fire raging in your chest.

“Whatever for?” You mother pouts horribly. “We were just getting to know each other finally.”

“You’ll have plenty of time to bond later, but for now.” You motion to Kanaya. “I need to speak with her. Come, Kanaya.”

You turn and start towards the temple entrance. After a moment, you stop, having come to the realization that no one is following you.

“Kanaya?” You look at your Matesprit.

She’s still folded delicately on the ground. So elegant and regal is her appearance, she could have easily been sitting in a gilded throne as opposed to the grey dirt.

“I think I’d rather stay and talk with your mother, if it’s all the same to you.” She says. “We are having a nice conversation after all.”

Her lyrical voice is like a soothing song to your ears. However you don’t want to be soothed right now. At the moment, you’re craving confrontation.

You thrust your new blanket towards her.

“I have a question about alchemizing.” You lie. “As a patron of fashion, I was wondering if you could give me some advice.”

“That can wait.” Kanaya replies sweetly. “Come and sit down, Rose.”

If you grind your teeth any harder, you’re pretty sure that they are going to crack.

“Yes, Rose.” You mother grins and pats the ground next to her. “Come and talk with us.”

“No.” You hold your chin up high. “Kanaya, you will accompany me.”

“You know what? I don’t think I will.”

“Kanaya.”

“Rose.”

You stare at her. She stares back. Tension builds between the two of you like the flames of a great bonfire. If you don’t get out now, you’re liable to get burned.

You’ll appreciate that metaphor later, after you’ve absconded.

“I have to go.” You say curtly “I’ll see you both later.”

Your mother’s mouth opens, but you pretend not to notice. Turning on your heel, you start towards the temple entrance, this time determined not to stop or look back even if your life depends on it. Orpheus has nothing on you.

Suddenly, slim fingers wrap around your arm and you don’t have to look to know that it’s Kanaya. A small smirk forms on your lips, like a fly to honey, you know she couldn’t resist the temptation to give chase. She’s not the type to leave something like this hanging in the air over the pair of you.

“Rose stop.” Her voice is firm and a little wobbly at the same time.

You try not to feel too satisfied.

“Yes?” You ask, affording her your full attention. You wait for the apology.

“That was very rude what you did back there.” She says crossly. “Ignoring your mother, ignoring _me_. Is it really such a chore to spend time with her? You’re acting like a spoiled wriggler right now.”

You resist the urge to throw your head back and laugh.

“Oh, Kanaya.” You grab her hand. “It’s almost funny how quickly she’s gotten under your skin. My mother is indeed the smoothest of all the operators. Tell me, how did she take the information of our relationship?”

She pulls her hand away and folds it under her arms.

“I haven’t told her yet. I was hoping you’d relay that information yourself.”

“And I will. In time.” You try to take her hand again, but she steps away. “Kanaya what is it?”

Her face is still hard, like she’s determined to argue. However you can notice the slight wobble in her bottom lip.

“Are you ashamed of me, Rose?” She asks.

You’ve suddenly lost the urge to laugh in her face.

“What? Kanaya- No. No of course not.” You stammer. “That’s not what’s happening here at all.”

“Then what is happening?

You sigh heavily and press your hand to your forehead as if checking for a fever. Taking a second to organize your thoughts, you try to appeal to her good judgment.

“I simply do not wish for her to know about us at the moment.” You begin. “There is too much going on now without adding that to the mix. It would be easiest for everyone if that information stayed between those in which it concerns.”

“You don’t think it concerns your own mother.”

“Not enough for you to take matters into your own hands like this.” You point back to where you mother is probably still sitting alone. “That woman is my problem and mine alone. I’m not upset, but I truly think that you should learn your place here.”

“My place?” She echoes incredulously. “Do you realize how you sound right now? Setting up ground rules, calling for me like that. It’s almost as if you see me as some sort of…. Some sort of pet!”

You’re eyes widen. This is quickly getting out of hand.

“How can you even assume such a thing?” You hiss, trying to covertly remind her to keep her voice down. “I would have thought it was obvious that I hold you in the highest esteem.”

“Then why do you act like my opinion does not matter.” She shoots back. Her skin is steadily glowing brighter and brighter. “Has it occurred to that big brain of yours that maybe _I_ would like to forward our relationship some time before the next sweep?”

“And you think I don’t? We would have ascended well into the ranks of intimacy if you weren’t so desperately clinging to some outdated, overly formal, nearly barbaric code of morals.”

Her mouth hangs agape and her hand rises to her chest as if scandalized. It would have been comical if it wasn’t the most unfunny thing in the world.

“How _dare_ you.” She gasps. “Who do you think you are to insult my culture, my heritage? Just because you insist on acting like a wriggler does not mean you have the same reprieve as one. You should know better than to be so crass.”

“Crass?” It’s your turn to sound incredulous. “You want talk about crassness? How does going behind my back to convene with _my_ mother sound for crass? I specifically asked you to respect my choices and my privacy. John would never…”

“Aha!” She cuts you off with a shrill shout and jams her finger into your chest. “There it is! There it is! John Human Egbert would be a much better Matesprit than Kanaya Alien Maryam!”

“What!? NO!” Why had you said his name? Why were you even thinking _that_ name? What on earth even possessed you to say that? “You’ve got it all wrong. Just let me start over. Let me explain!”

“You’ve explained enough, Rose, more than you even know.” All the firmness is gone from her face. Now there’s nothing but soft skin and watery eyes. “You’re not happy with me and I… I have known that for a long, _long_ time.”

You lunge and take her hands quickly before she can move away again. Shit is clearly hitting the fan, meaning it’s time to go for broke.

“Listen to me, Kanaya.” You plead. “I am happy with you, very happy. The reason I do not wish to tell my mother about us is because she’s singlehandedly managed to ruin everything that’s brought me happiness in life since birth. I do _not_ want her to ruin _this_ too.”

 Kanaya looks away from you, towards something that you can’t see clearly, a blurry shape in your peripheral vision. You turn to not just see your mother, but Dave, and Karkat, and Terezi, Harley, Equius, all standing there with various expressions of shock and surprise. Apparently your private conversation had grown a little too loud, and is hence: no longer private.

“Rose…” Your mother is pale in the face. “Is that true? Have I really done that to you?”

“M- Mother.” You blink furiously, trying to keep your vision clear. You look between the group and Kanaya quickly, trying to formulate some sort of words. Your Matesprits face is streaked with silent tears and she’s staring forcefully at the temple wall. “Kanaya?”

“You don’t have to worry about your mother ruining this too.” Her voice cracks as she speaks. “You’ve done- a fine job of that yourself.”

Then she pulls her hands from yours and takes her first steps towards her group of friends.

“Kanaya.” You reach out for her. “Kanaya, are you… breaking up with me?”

She does not grant you another look. Kanaya races forward, parting the crowd and disappearing into the temple. The dam breaks and tears fall from your eyes like the April showers. Slim arms wrap around your shoulders and you bury your face into the familiar, martini-scented scarf wrapped around your mother’s neck.

You hide from the humiliation, the shame, and the world. For the first time since before you can remember, you cry into your mother’s arms and do not care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I just want all of you to keep in mind: I love Rose, I love Kanaya, and I love Rosemary. This was difficult to right, but I went through it anyways, for a number of reasons, some that should be obvious, and others that will become obvious in the future. This was hard, partially because I dislike writing arguments, and because KANAYA LITERALLY HAS NO OTHER ROMANTIC PROSPECTS. (at least in the flushed quadrant) You could say Kan/Vris is a thing, but within the context of this story, I don't think either of those characters have said more than one word to each other.
> 
> There will be more Rose and Kanaya interaction in the future. Along with more Dave and Grandpa interaction. (which was my favorite part of this chapter)
> 
> The way things are going now, this Act is looking to be the longest of the bunch, with two different groups having two different stories which travel upon the same timeline. Things should flesh out nicely in the end. (or maybe not)
> 
> Thanks for reading and thanks again to Jeedies for beta-ing this chapter. (⌐■_■)
> 
> \- Mike


	37. ACT 4 - PART 9

=> Be John Egbert

**STILL DAY FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY.**

You are John Egbert. Which means it’s time to reconnect with an old friend.

“Do you want something? Some AJ? A slice of pizza? A Long Island Iced Tea?”

“Uh… I’m fine. Thanks.”

“Suit yourself.” Dave sinks down in the chair across from you and with a snap of his fingers, summons a large pizza into existence. “You know, John.” He rolls a slice into a tube shape and then shoves the whole thing into his mouth. “This whole ‘ _being_ _dead_ ’ thing isn’t really as bad as everyone makes it out to be.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, man. Really.” He reaches for a third piece. “You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. No one’s here to tell you off. You just… _chill_. I’ve had so much time to just chill, man. You wouldn’t even believe.”

“But isn’t it lonely?”

He chews thoughtfully for a moment, and then shrugs.

“I’ve got some good company.”

As if on demand, the door opens behind you, admitting in another Dave.

“Sup, Bro.” Second Dave says, walking past your table and towards the fridge. “Yo, Dave-616. I’m pretty sure it’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.”

The Dave you first encountered snaps his fingers.

“Consider it done, Dave-1610.” He says with a smirk.

“That’s my, boy.” The second Dave makes his exit, a bundle of apple juice cartons wrapped safely in his arms. “Take it easy, John.”

“Yeah… you too.” Your answer is automatic and a little weak. There are just too many things bouncing around in your head for you to be as personable as you’d like to be.

Dave-616, the one sitting across from you, continues speaking.

“See what I’m saying though?” He snaps his fingers once more. “This place is like magic. That right there, that was me doing the dishes and sweeping under all the beds. I am god, John. It is me.”

“How can you do all of that by just,” You try to snap your fingers, but fail. You’d never learned that particular skill. “Snapping your fingers? I thought imagining stuff was supposed to be hard.”

“Oh that’s just these troll chumps. They lack the same imagination as you and me.” Dave leans back in his chair, an almost grin smeared over his face. “They’re still struggling to make sticks and stones, but me: I had this place built in under two minutes. Well, I say _me_ , but it was actually _us_.”

“Yeah, how many of you are there anyway?”

Once again, the Dave named Dave-616 appears to wrack his brains for a moment.

“Last roll call we had, it was well over a hundred thousand, almost two maybe. That was a while ago. I forget the exact numbers.”

“Wow.” You breathe. “That’s incredible! So you guys have just been hanging out here the whole time?”

“Hanging out, and kicking back, my living friend.” Dave-616 raises a tall glass of liquor in a mock toast. “I’d be a filthy liar though, if I said I didn’t miss you, Bro. What the hell have you been up to?”

“Oh, geez. Where do I begin?” You tell him about the golden airship and the past four hundred and twenty days you and Jade had spent trapped upon it. “I don’t know how I would have survived these last few months if I wasn’t coming here to hang out with Vriska. Oh shit. Vriska!”

“What?”

“She didn’t want me to come here.” You explain. “Every time I asked her about this place, she just brushed me off. Why though?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He suddenly leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. “Little Icky Vrisky doesn’t want her pet hanging out with the other dogs. Exposure to fellow members of your species means that all her hard work has a chance of being undone. She thinks I’ll try to convince you to stay away from her.”

“Will you?”

“Hell fucking yes!” The table rattles loudly when he slams his fist down on its surface. “Are you an idiot, John?!?”

“Yes.” You sigh.

“That’s right. You are an idiot. You’ve been playing into her hands for so long you don’t even know which way is up anymore.” His index finger prods your forehead viciously. “You’ve got it stuck in your noggin that you’re _supposed_ to like this chick. When really she’s about the worst thing that has ever happened to you.”

“How though?” You plead. “What’s so bad about her? Well, I mean, besides some of the obvious stuff.”

Dave shakes his head.

“I’m not giving you the answers, John, not this time. That doesn’t seem to have any impact on you at all. What you’re going to do right now is this: you’re going to list to me all the reasons Vriska might be a _‘bad news bears’_ for you.”

“Right now?”

“Right now.”

“Well, I dunno.” You exhale deeply and ponder his command. “She’s… killed me before.”

“Yes.” He holds up one finger.

“But that was for my own good.” You defend. “She was helping me reach God Tier.”

His finger doesn’t move down.

“Keep going, John.” He says.

“Ugh. I guess she…” You rub the back of your neck. “She killed Tavros too and sort of took over his home in the after-life.”

Dave raises another finger.

“She likes to have sex a lot, sometimes when I’m not in the mood.”

Another finger.

“She curses at me pretty regularly and Tavros too. It’s like she just keeps him around to berate him.

One more.

“These past few months she’s been working me non-stop. It’s like she’s training me for the galactic Olympics or something.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen you running laps down there. The perfect little lapdog.” He nods towards your biceps. “Although I can’t deny the results. Nice guns, Smith and Wesson.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Now continue.”

“That’s it.” You say. He raises his eyebrows over the top of his shades. “What? It is!”

“I got six more fingers here, John.” Dave waves his hands in front of your face. “And I know you got way more reasons than that.”

You sigh. When you first saw Dave through that open window, you hadn’t thought that this would be how your first conversation would go. Hell, you didn’t know how it would go. It’s just that dissecting your relationship with Vriska was something you’d never thought you’d go through with Dave.

Rose maybe, but not Dave.

“She’s lies to me a lot.”

“About what?”

“Well… She said that whatever was in these apartments was _‘none of my business’_ , but it totally is!”

“What makes you say that?”

“You’re my best friend, Dave!” You explain. “Of course I’m at liberty to know if a hundred thousand _you’s_ are hanging out within a hundred yards of _me_.”

“Why do you think?” Dave-616 leans forward more, ever closer to you. “She would want to hide this little tidbit of information from you?”

“For all the reasons you just said. You’d try and get me away from her.”

“And why would she so desperately cling to you, John?”

“Because she loves me.”

The confident smirk that had adorned Dave’s face ever since you first saw him falters. As if a switch has been flicked, the snide grin is gone, replaced with a grim line of astute seriousness.

“She wants you all to herself, John,” He corrects. “Because you’re the only one that she can trust to bring her back to life.”

“Well, yeah. She asked me to get the ring, but…”

“But what?” Dave’s face is now so close to your own, you’re pretty sure he’s no longer attatached to his chair. “Face it, John. Everything she’s done to _‘benefit’_ you so far has been a not-so-secret ploy to forward her own selfish agenda. You’ve been played, my friend, like a human yo-yo.”

You squeeze your eyes shut behind your thick-framed glasses. Was Dave right? Was everything Vriska had done for you just something that _she_ wanted? Everything certainly seems like it. From Rose’s initial warnings against her, to the troll’s fierce dislike of her, and then Tavros’s blatant jabs about her, everyone has been telling you that Vriska is bad news.

When you’d fist talked to her, face to face, she’d pulled you away on a mission to kill Jack Noir. She had forced you into God Tier to make you stronger, raising her chances of victory. She had slept with you, to satisfy her own lustful desires. She had commissioned you into finding the ring, to bring her back to life. And now she was training you, to be her ultimate tool.

“Is it sinking in?” Dave drawls in your ear.

With a low moan, you bury your face in your hands.

“God dammit, Dave.” You voice is hoarse. “Just… god fucking dammit.”

His hand is on your shoulder, rubbing gentle, soothing circles into your muscular knots.

“There, there, Bro.” He’s saying. “Pesky feminine whiles are not easily detected, let alone avoided. It could have happened to any one of us.”

“That’s the worst part.” You groan into your hands. “It _could_ have been any of us. She could have taken Jade on that stupid mission, or you. Then me and her would never have been together. I’m not special at all.”

His hands fingers dig into your hair and force your head upward, brining your eyes to meet his dark lenses.

“Listen here, Egbert.” Dave growls. “You are special. You’re cool and you’re nice and you’re special as all fuck. And if Vriska’s going to treat you like dirt then… just screw her man. Screw her all the way to hell and back again.”

“Dave…” You look to your friend. “What do I do?”

“Leave.” He answers. “Forget about Vriska. Go back to my Jade. Keep her safe, keep yourself safe, and when you finally reach that meteor, give Rose a big ‘ol romantic kiss right on those tightly pursed lips of hers.”

You blink dumbly at him.

“Wh- What was that last part again?”

“Never mind. Let’s just take one step at a time, okay?”

“Okay.”

Dave returns to his chair and when he offers you a drink again, you graciously accept.

“Step one,” He begins, as you down your glass. “Wake up and don’t come back.”

“I can’t leave without talking to Vriska, at least one more time.” You wipe your mouth on the back of your hand. “She needs to know that I’ve figured her out.”

“No.” Dave says immediately. “If you get within arm’s reach of that siren again, you’ll be trapped back in her web. You have to get the hell out of dodge, John.”

“But what about you? I wanna talk to you more.”

“There’s a version of me still alive, right? Just talk to him when you see him next time.”

“But that’s going to be _years_!”

“Life’s hard, John.” He conjures up more drinks. “Especially when you’re suffering from Strider Withdrawal.”

“Yeah,” You gulp down your second glass. “But other than that. I still need to talk to Nepeta or Eridan, or _both_. There’s still so many questions that I have about what happened on the meteor.”

“You don’t know what happened after Nepeta’s exile?”

“Vriska told me the basic outline, but I’m almost certain now that she’s leaving something out.”

Dave’s face goes from perpetually neutral, to slight frown.

“Does Jade know?”

“What?”

“Did you tell Jade about what happened on the meteor? Does she know…”

“No.” You cut him off. “She doesn’t even know that I’ve been coming here every night.”

“You should tell her.”

“I know.” You groan again with the unfairness of the world. “So wait, do you know what happened there?”

“Dave-982 talked to Eridan after he showed up, and then the news was spread to the rest of us.” He explains. “Nepeta’s made it clear that no version of me, alive or dead, is allowed within thirty feet of her. Like I’d go anywhere near that crazy bitch anyways, geez.”

“Do you know anything about what happened, other than what Vriska has told me?”

“I think the outline is good enough, John. Everything else you should find out for yourself when you get there.”

“Wow, thanks for nothing.”

You check your watch and find that it’s now twenty minutes later than when you were supposed to wake up.

“Oh, shit.” You stand up. “I gotta go.”

“Alright, just remember what I said.” Dave rises as well. “Forget about Vriska, just focus on getting you and Jade to that meteor in one piece, got it?”

“Got it.” You extend your hand towards your friend. “Take care of yourself, Dave.”

“You too, Bro.” Dave grabs your hand tightly in his. “Listen. If you tell Jade that we’re here, just… don’t let her come, okay? Don’t let her die again, especially over something as stupid as seeing me.”

“But don’t you want to see her?”

Dave retracts his hand and stuffs it roughly into his pocket.

“I think that all Dave/Jade interaction should be kept within the realm of the living. There’s one Dave alive, and there’s one Jade alive, and that’s the way it should be.” He scrubs his shoe into the carpet. “Plus, there’s a reason that one Dave survived. He’s the best, and Jade deserves the best.”

You stare at him for a moment, evaluating the weight of his words. You want to tell him that Jade would be happy with him too. That it’s more of a coincidence than anything else that _that_ particular Dave survived while all the other’s died. You want to tell him that _he_ deserves Jade just as much as any of the other Dave’s.

Instead, you just nod and turn to leave.

Climbing out of the window once more and floating away, you wait until you’re out of sight before streaking towards Vriska’s and Tavros’s hive. Like hell you aren’t going to talk to her one last time before you leave forever. This might be the last chance you have to get some concrete answers out of her, about your relationship, about _everything_.

When you touch down on the front porch, Tavros is waiting.

“So.” He grins and nods towards in the general direction of the apartments. “Did you like what you saw?”

“Shut up.” You brush past his wheel chair and head through the front door.

Vriska is lounging on the bed when you come in.

“Oh. Hey there, Pupa. I thought you would have left by now.” She stretches luxuriously, like a cat. “So, ready for round nine?”

“No.” You say. “No, I don’t think I am.”

Vriska looks over to the wall, where a large, spider-themed clock hangs.

“Well it’s too early for a work out. What do you wanna do?” Suddenly a look of discomfort washes over her face. “Fuuuhh, you don’t want to _talk_ again do you?”

“Actually I do.”

With a sigh, she sits up and scoots over to the edge of the bed.

“Fine.” Vriska pats the empty spot next to her. “Take a seat and open your heart up to me. I am you’re therapist, John. It is me.”

You ignore her offer. You stand right in front of her and glare with all of your might into her remaining eye.

“I went to the apartments.” You say. “I saw _them_.”

Instantly, her face darkens.

“Oh.” She stands up and begins to collect her clothes, making herself decent once more. You stand and watch her move about the room, waiting for her to continue talking.

She doesn’t.

“Well?” You demand. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m sorry that you had to see that.” She comes over to you and reaches for your hand. You step out of her reach. “John, it’s okay. You can talk to me about it. That’s what you want to do, right? Talk about it.”

“Yeah, I wanna talk. I wanna talk about how you’ve been _using_ me all this time.”

Her mouth opens slightly and her eye widens, before narrowing sharply.

“Is that what _they_ told you?” She tilts her head to the side. “Is that the sort of bullshit that they filled your head with.”

“The only thing _he_ did, was to point out all the bullshit you’ve put me through.” You start to pace. “Killing me, training me, it was all to improve _your_ chances of success.”

“Yours too, John.” She counters. “Do you think you would have gotten this far if you weren’t in the God Tiers? And how about now? Now that you’re stronger than ever, you stand a better chance of winning!”

“Dave told me-“

“That wasn’t Dave! That was a copy of a copy of a copy of your friend. He lied to you.”

“Dave wouldn’t lie to me.” You feel anger bubbling in your gut like hot magma. You hate that feeling. You hate being angry. “You told me not to go to those apartments, because I would find out the truth about all this. You want me all to yourself.”

“John, you moron!” She shrieks. “I didn’t tell you about those apartments because I thought it would make you upset! Don’t humans get all soft when then they see a dead friend? I didn’t wanna find out how much it would fuck you up to see a _gazillion_ dead friends.”

“Stop trying to confuse me!” You grab great fistfuls of your hair in frustration. “Dave said that you were just manipulating me and I have to belive him!”

“You’ll believe your brainless, dead friend over your own Matesprit.” Vriska thrusts her thumb into her chest.  “ _I_ haven’t been helping you this whole time, John, which is much more than can be said for him. What has he done for you, really?”

You think back, all the way back to the beginning. A Dave from an alternate timeline had called you and warned you not to trust Terezi, since she was leading you to your death in a sick joke. You’d trusted Dave then and it had turned out alright. You and Dave are friends, best friends and Vriska is…

“Do you love me?” You blurt suddenly, completely ignoring her question.

“What?”

“Do you love me, Vriska. Or not.”

Her face twists with confusion. She hadn’t been expecting this.

“I’m flushed for you, John, if that’s what you’re asking.”

You shake your head roughly.

“That word doesn’t mean anything to me. The quadrants, the friend-love, the hate-love, I don’t understand any of that.” You take a step towards Vriska, almost pleading. “Put it into words that I can understand. Please.”

Her face goes from confusion, to an unfamiliar emotion, something soft and almost warm. Then, just as quickly, it hardens once more.

“No.” She says.

“N- no?”

“No, John. I’m not playing that game with you.” Her metallic finger jams into your chest. “I’ve very well made it plain how I feel about you. I’ve told you things that I’ve never told anyone, you’ve seen me in ways that I would never let _anyone_ see me, and you have the unmitigated _nerve_ to demand that I spell it out for you? Are you really that selfish? Are you really that _stupid_?”

“I’m not stupid.” You shove her arm away. “And I don’t think it’s selfish, after everything I’ve done for you, to ask for a simple _‘yes or no’_ answer.”

“After everything _you’ve_ done for _me_.” Vriska echoes. “What have you done for me, John, besides waste my gog-dammed time? You were _nothing_ when I found you and I made you _something_. This is how you repay me? With this bullshit paranoia and interrogation?” She turns, shaking her head. “Get the fuck out, John.”

“What?”

“Get out of my house.”

You don’t move. You just stare at the back of her head, into that mass of tangled black hair, and wish with all of your heart, that you had the power to peer into her skull and see exactly what she was thinking. Vriska turns to face you.

“What do you want?” She steps closer. “Do you want me to put it into _‘understandable terms’_?” Her nose brushes against yours. “Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Me.”

You back away from her and turn towards the door. You’ll almost over the threshold when something slams into the wall next to your ear. After flinching violently, you look down to see that a simple, blue box about the size of a envelope has fallen at your feet.

“That’s for you, by the way.” Vriska sneers. “Try not to fuck that up too.”

You stoop and pick it up gingerly.

“I’m sorry, Vriska.”

“Yeah, well don’t be.” She sinks back onto her bed and after a moment, speaks again. “I… I thought you were different, John. I really did. I thought that you were _special_.”

You open your mouth to say something, but before you can even formulate a full response, she finishes her thought:

 “But you’re just like everyone else.”

Clutching the box tightly under your hands, you turn towards the door once more.

“Goodbye, Vriska.”

And then you wake up.

The bathwater has long turned cold and stagnant, sitting with the unimpressionable stillness as a pane of glass and the frigid, sense-sharpening affects of a winter breeze. For a moment, you’re tempted to just lay in the water, half submerged and shivering, until the airship arrives at the meteor and you’re forced to face the world once again. The moment is shattered by a cold voice.

“Hey there, brother dearest.” Jade’s voice is like steel. “Have a nice _trip_?”

You turn in the water and look over the edge of the tub to see Jade sitting on the counter, a large revolver resting on her lap.

“Are you going to kill me again?” You ask.

“I’m thinking about it.” She says, tapping the gleaming weapon with a long nail. “How the next few minutes pan out depends on whether or not you have a good explanation for all this.”

You rest your chin on the edge of the bathtub, steadily dripping water from your beard and bangs onto the floor.

“I’ve been killing myself every night for the past… two hundred or so days, so that Vriska can teach me to be a badass.”

“I thought it would be something like that.” Jade nods. “Is there any reason you decided to keep these little excursions a secret?”

“I didn’t want to make you angry.” You sigh. “I didn’t want you to be worried, and I didn’t want you to be jealous. I was stupid. I am stupid. And I won’t be doing it again.”

“Why not?”

You want to tell her, but you don’t. Instead you just sit up straighter and lean against the back of the tub. It’s then that you notice the box floating down at the opposite end of the bathtub near your feet.

When you lean forward and grab it, Jade notices it too.

“What’s that?” She slips from the counter and kneels next to the tub. “Are those drugs? Have you been hiding drugs from me too?”

You don’t answer that question. Opening the lid of the box, you find a single card resting on a pile of shredded paper. It’s a captchalogue code, which reads:

_82THE8TH_

_You've_ _8een working hard, so I got you a little reward. I know that you can use this to m8ke something awesome, John! I 8elive in you._

_L8ve,_

_Your m8sprit, Vriska_

“John?” Jade’s hand gently shakes your shoulder. “What is it? Are you okay?”

You turn to your ecto-sister, with pitiful tears dripping down your face to mingle with the chilled water below.

“I’m sad, Jade.” You mumble. “I’m really sad.”

Her long arms wrap around your shoulders and you’re suddenly being smothered in long hair and warm sibling. Through blurry eyes and askew glasses, you stare hard at Vriska’s damp gift, still clutched tightly in your hand, and wonder, not for the first time, who and what you are supposed to believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I just want you all to know: I'm a fan of John, I'm a fan of Vriska, and I'm a fan of Spider8reath. This was hard for me to write, but I went through with it anyways for a yada yada yada yada...
> 
> GRIMDORKS
> 
> In all seriousness, there will be more John and Vriska interaction in the future, but the story is progressing at a rate where I cannot justify keeping their relationship stationary. Things have to happen and since I'm writing this story, I'm making it happen. The era of sinking ships is upon us. Long live Dave/Jade.
> 
> This story is now over 200,000 words. I don't even.... why?
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	38. ACT 4 - PART 10

=> Be Jade Harley

**DAY FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY-ONE.**

You are Jade Harley. Damn, does love hurt.

“You know what?” You plop down in the sofa next to John and thrust a mug of coffee into his hands. “I never liked her anyways.”

“Mhmm.”

“Like eight pupils. _Really_?Talk about weird, amiright? Even by troll standards.” You take a sip from your own mug, enjoying the pleasant buzz from the hot drink, and ignoring the wet mustache now on your upper lip. “And those horns. They look like they’re sharp enough to cut though just about anything. You could probably use her dumb head as a can opener. Haha!”

John sighs and rests his untouched mug on his knee. He’s staring intently at Vriska’s gift, still clutched tightly between his fingers.

You watch him for a moment, cursing his emotional frailty and your inability to make good coffee. Well, _you_ like your coffee, with its copious amounts of froth and high sugar content. John usually complains about how sweet it is, that is, when he isn’t mopeing about one thing or another.

These past months, you’ve gotten sick of him acting like a vegetable. You aren’t going to put up with it anymore.

“Give me that.” You quickly snatch the card out of his hand. “You aren’t going to get over her by just staring at this stupid piece of plastic.”

“It’s only been a few hours. How do you expect me to get over her?” John reaches for the card, but you hold it at arm’s length. “Gimme that back, Jade.”

“So you can keep making _‘kissy’_ faces at it? I don’t think so.” You scoot further down the couch, away from him. “If you ask me, we should throw this thing in the blender.”

“No! She gave me that for a reason.”

“Yeah. To torture you! Face it John, Vriska is a smart bitch. She knows that by giving you a parting gift that you’ll think about her every waking moment.” You grip the card between your hands, preparing to snap it in half. “There’s only one way to get rid of her forever, John.”

“No!” He lunges forward and wrestles it from your grasp before you can bend it properly. Jumping to his feet, John retreats to the other side of the room. “Do you ever think before you act!?”

“All the time.” You jump to your feet as well. “And right now I’m thinking that you’re off your rocker. You need help. Let me help you.”

“I’m not crazy!” He cradles the card to his chest. “Just listen to me for a second, okay? She gave me this card while I was dead and now it’s here when I’m alive. I brought it back with me. Somehow Vriska knew that was possible.”

“Of course. Anything’s possible when you believe.” You advance towards him. “It’s not anything special, John. It’s just another one of her manipulative ploys. Hand it over.”

“But it could be useful! She said that I can make something awesome with it.”

“She’s been lying to you forever. How can you believe that this will be any different?”

“You didn’t see her.” John defends himself. “Right before I left she… she looked at me like I was the _bad guy_ , like I had hurt her, and maybe I did. Shit. I need to go talk to her.”

You dive forward and wrap your arms around John’s shoulders. He cries out in surprise as you drag him to the ground and pin him under your knee, sending the card sliding across the smooth floor and out of his reach. Whatever _‘training’_ Vriska was supposed to be giving him isn’t much compared to your **Stellar** **Lass Grapple!**

“Stop struggling.” You command and immediately he falls still. “You are _not_ going to kill yourself again. You are _not_ going to lie to me again. You are _not_ going to shove that card into our Alchemiter to see what it makes. And you are _definitely_ _not_ going to think about Vriska anymore. You said it yourself, John: you and her are over.”

“Mumph mo muh mah!”

“What? Oh sorry.” You lessen your grip and allow him to pull his face out of the floor.

“You don’t know that.” He repeats.

“Know what?”

“That me and her are over.” John looks up at you with wide, pleading eyes. “I’ve gotten so much contradictory information recently that I just don’t know what to belive. You all say that Vriska is evil, but when I talk to her she just… explains everything, you know? Like she justifies herself and I feel like maybe you’re all wrong.”

“John.” You shake your head with exasperation. “If it comes down to _‘who do I trust more’_ , shouldn’t the answer be obvious? I’ve been your sister for a long time now, and your friend before that too for as long as I can remember. Vriska shows up, rattles your bones, and now you’re willing to follow her to your death?”

“She’s helped me…”

“She’s helped _her_.” You cut him off. “We talked about this, John. Vriska has a reputation for being a liar, a murderer, a manipulator, and a bitch. Me, other the other hand, I’m your family. Isn’t that enough?”

John gives a small moan and drops his head against the hard floor with a solid _thunk_. His eyes rest upon the card, discarded on the floor several feet away.

“You’re right.” He mutters. “You’re all right. Dave is right. Rose is right. I’m just… wrong and stupid and lame and…”

“Human.” You pat him lightly on the cheek. “You’re human, and above all, you’re a dude. I’d be more disturbed if you _weren’t_ so susceptible to her feminine wiles.”

With a second pat, you push yourself off of him, snatch up the card, and return to the sofa. Tucking the card safely under you leg, you turn to find that John is still lying on the ground, simply staring at the floor.

“The reason I got into that argument with Vriska in the first place was because I met one of the Daves.” He blurts randomly.

“I beg your pardon.” You stop with your reclaimed mug halfway to your lips.

“In the void there’s this red apartment complex. It’s full of all the dead Dave’s from that one battle. You know the one, the one battle where all those Dave’s showed up and fought Jack Noir’s army.”

You take a thoughtful sip from your mug.

“That apartment complex sounds like Karkat’s wet dream.” You say with a giggle.

John shifts his attention from the floor, to you.

“This doesn’t disturb you?” He asks. “The fact that a gazillion copies of your boyfriend are trapped in limbo, I mean.”

You tap your chin for a second, buying time to formulate a reasonable answer that he can comprehend.

“I had a lot of time to think while you were busy doing a good impression of a comatose patient.” You eventually say. “I did wonder what had happened to all those Daves. Like, did they all cease to exist, did they return to their own timelines, or did they become part of ours and end up in limbo. Now I have my answer.”

“So… you aren’t disturbed?”

“No, John. I’m not.” You shrug. “What do you expect me to do? Run and dive headfirst onto a knife just so I can go say _‘hi’_ to him? Yeah, I miss Dave, but… but I know I’ll see him again one day.”

You’re eyes must go a little distant, because John is suddenly coughing to get your attention. He’s now sitting against the wall, as opposed to being folded into a heap on the ground, and looking at you with a deep frown.

“I, er…” He rubs the back of his neck. “I haven’t been a very good friend to you, Jade. You were here all by yourself when I was sneaking away every night to hang out with Vriska. That wasn’t fair and I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Well,” You sigh and tap your nails against the side of your mug.  “I can understand why you did it. I’d do anything to get off this ship, even for five minutes.” Fixing John with a shrewd gaze, you continue: “But you’re still a giant fuckass for hiding it from me. I’ll need at least two more full days before I can even consider forgiving you.”

“I suppose that’s fair.”

“Damn straight, it’s fair.”

He grins at you and you smile back. For the first time in a long time, your chest is starting to feel less heavy. As if you’re slowly pulling away layers and layers of wool blankets, eventually coming up with nothing between you and the outside world. With John by your side again, you just might make it the rest of the way to the meteor.

“Come on.” You stand up and hold one hand out to John. In the other, you hold Vriska’s gift. “Let’s go say goodbye.”

In the kitchen, the pair of you search for about five minutes before you realize that neither of you have yet to alchemize a blender. Eventually, you rifle through a drawer and recover a box of matches.

“Here,” You thrust the matches and the card toward John. “You can do it.”

Gingerly, he takes them. His hands fumble with the match box for a moment, but eventually he liberates one. With the match resting against the striker, John takes a deep breath and makes one last effort to change your mind.

“Doesn’t it seem silly to just get rid of this though?” He flicks the card with his finger. “Like what if the code is for something _really_ useful?”

You shake your head, no.

“We don’t need anything from _her_. Do it, John. I know that you can.”

Swallowing hard, he strikes the match and holds it beneath the thin piece of plastic obediently. The fire doesn’t catch onto it fully, but slowly the corner curls onto itself, blackens, and falls away. The rest of the card follows as such, until there is nothing but a smoldering match, a pile of ashes on the floor, and memories of a girl with one eye.

“It smells like shit.” John proclaims.

You pretend not to notice when he wipes the corners of his eyes on his sleeve.

“Why don’t you head into the game room and load up a movie or something.” You offer.  “I’ll sweep this up, make some pop-corn, and rendezvous with you for a night brimming with B-Grade movies!”

“Sure.” He starts towards the door, shuffling his feet and staring at the ground. No sooner has he passed the table though, when he stops suddenly.

“What is it?” You watch his shoulders stiffen. “John?”

He turns to look at you. His face is as white as a sheet, his mouth hangs agape, and his eyes are the size of tea saucers.

“I’m…” He begins. “I’m- getting a call?”

You blink at him for a moment.

“What?”

“Someone’s calling me.” He taps the frame of his glasses and stares straight ahead, focusing on his lenses. Now that he mentions it, you can see a bright, violet flash of light streaking across the eyes of his glasses.

“Who is it?”

That’s a good question. Who would be calling John? As far as you know, you aren’t even halfway to the meteor yet. Is it possible that the rest of your group were able to send out a message?

In response to your question, John quickly pulls of his glasses and rests them on the kitchen table between the two of you. The glasses stop flashing violet and instead emit a high pitched screech, followed by a lot of static.

Then words.

_“….. John, it’s Rose….. I need……….. Help………. So much….. John… You and Jade…Quick as possible…. Please...”_

It’s a message and with a final _squawk_ of static, it ends. You and John share a look and you’re nearly a hundred percent sure that his pale face of fear and confusion is a perfect reflection of your own.

* * *

 => Be Dave Strider

**DAY TWENTY-ONE.**

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. You’re one of the last people in the universe that is part of a healthy, working relationship.

Well that’s only if you consider _‘billions of miles away on a golden space ship’_ healthy or working, or even a relationship. Regardless, the way things look at the moment you and Jade are the last couple left standing, which doesn’t do much to deflate the egregious amount of hot air currently swirling around in your skull.

God damn, you miss Jade. That comely babe is probably the only thing keeping you sane right now.

Well, that and your brotherly responsibilities, which are currently calling upon you.

In the hours after the very public and very embarrassing fight between Rose and Kanaya, things in the temple have been a little… tense.

Karkat’s own protective gambit has been sent into overdrive, pushing him to disregard whatever positive thoughts he had about Rose in favor of bashing her every chance he gets. Kanaya appears to find this annoying, simply preferring to put the matter behind her with as little trouble as possible.

Terezi surprisingly sides with Rose, stating that she and Kanaya should have just pailed and gotten it over with. Equius is predictably nonplussed by the whole thing, only investigating the initial shouts just to make sure no one was dying, before returning to his lab/lair/tent of mysteries.

Seriously, one of these days you’re gonna ask that beef cake what he’s getting up to in there. After all this secrecy, it better be something cool as hell.

The older humans refused to comment on the matter. Mama Lalonde had taken Rose directly inside the temple and hid her away in the deepest, darkest recesses of your home. Neither of them had made an appearance as of yet.

Harley was predictably more poetic and frustrating with his response:

“If you ask me, Dave.” He said. “You youngsters are just too little still to be bothering each other with this relationship jibber jab. The only reason I’m willing to give you and my Jade a free pass is because you’re both responsible young chaps.”

You’d been quick to tear down your and Terezi’s crude picture of Karkat off the fridge after that. A little comedic relief is no reason to jeopardize your responsibility credibility.

_Responsibility credibility._

Even when you aren’t trying to rap you’re still a bad-ass.

Speaking of the break-ups, responsibility, and relationships, it’s time for you to responsibly make use of your relationship with Rose to patch together this messy break-up.

**BROTHERLY INSITINCTS ENGAGE.**

You couldn’t be any more cooler if you tried.

Trekking to the rear of the temple, you find Rose and her mother, sitting together on a cot with a rather nice blanket spread across their collective lap. You quickly decide that this is a scene where your presence is not needed, but before you can make an escape, they spot you.

“Dave!” Mrs.  Lalonde smiles brightly at you. “There you are! Come have a seat.”

You look from the mom’s beaming face to the daughter’s deathly scowl.

“I don’t know.” You start backing away. “There’s… things I gotta do. So many things. You can’t imagine how many things there are.”

“Oh, I’m sure they can wait.” She waves you over vigorously. “Come. Let’s have our first ever _family_ meeting!”

Rose’s face darkens considerably, but you’re used to her grim aura by now. What wards you away the most is Mama Lalonde’s flashing teeth and the excited way she pats the spot on the bed next to her. It’s almost like she _wants_ you to be there.

Well… who _wouldn’t_ want you around? You’re Dave Fucking Strider after all.

It’s just the way she said _family_ , like it’s already been decided. Sure, you can joke around with your new _mother_ about all sorts of cliché, sitcom-esque tropes. Calling her _mom_ , pretending to be her _son_. It’s all in good fun.

Until now.

Now your palms and forehead are in a fierce competition to see who can generate the most sweat in as little a time as possible. You’re mouth is dry, your head is itchy, with every breath it feels like your lungs are growing heavier and heavier. It feels like you’re having a panic attack.

“Yeah…” You say. “Yeah, I’ll sit down. Why the fuck not?”

You wobble over to the bed and sink down on Mrs. Lalonde’s other side. Instantly her thin arm wraps around your shoulder and pulls you into her side. A small grunt from Rose tells you that she’s also facing similar treatment. It’s like a big, hot, teenage sandwich stuffed with vodka sodden organs and sculpted hair.

You are one of the two slices of bread. It is you.

“Isn’t this wonderful.” Mrs. Lalonde sighs. “Together at last. Haha.”

“So good.” You mutter. Her surprisingly strong fingers are gripping your bicep. The burning sensations they give off heavily remind you of Harley’s fatherly pats from a few days prior. “I’ve never done this before.” You blurt suddenly.

“I beg your pardon?” Mrs. Lalonde asks.

“Well I mean…” You see the blonde curve of Rose’s head as she leans around her mother’s bosom to regard you oddly. “I’ve never… Uh, I’ve never been with two beautiful ladies at once before.”

Oedipal subtexts aside, you’re performing up to your usual standards as a smooth operator. That more than anything, even Mrs. Lalonde’s raucous laughter, begins to calm your nerves.

“Oh, Dave!” She shrieks, throwing her head back with mirth. “You’re such I comedian. I can’t even handle it sometimes.”

“Me neither.” Rose hisses from the other side of the cot. “It’s almost too much to bear in some instances.”

“Well if you can’t take the heat.” You shrug and lean back, quickly getting comfortable between the wall and this woman. “So, what were you Chatty Cathie’s talking about before I swooped in to brighten your day? Girl stuff?”

“Something like that.” Mom giggles and pulls Rose in tighter. “I’ve recently been made aware that a great deal of my time with my daughter has been… wasted. It may be a little late to patch up the old grievances, but I feel like trying to keep new ones from popping up. We were just talk about how much a filthy skank Kankan is.”

Whoa. That escalated quickly.

“I’ve told you, mother.” Rose sighs. “Kanaya is not in the wrong here, it is me. And no matter what television has taught you in the past, verbally berating your child’s former romantic does not in any way count as _‘supporting them’_.”

“All I’m saying is that she shouldn’t have broken up with you like that. Part of being in a relationship is talking things out, you know? Making your partner see things the way you see them.”

“Indeed.”

“In fact, I think that you should go talk to her right now!” Mrs. Lalonde jumps up suddenly and, holding Rose’s hands in hers, tries to pull her daughter off of the cot.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Roes deadpans as her mother uses her arms like a kid playing double-dutch. “Kanaya needs some space at the moment and so do I. When we both have had chances to process the recent… events, then we’ll come together and discuss our relationship as it stands.”

Mom releases Rose’s arms and they fall back down limply to her sides.

“If that’s what you think is for the best.” She says with a slow nod. The older woman proceeds to look between you and Rose for a moment, then her face brightens. “I know just what you two need: Some hot chocolate!”

You resist the urge to pump your fist in the air and exclaim an affirmative: _“HELL FUCKING YES!”_

“Sounds cool.” You say instead, with a curt nod. Rose remains silent.

“Wonderful, I’ll be back in a flash.” She bends down and deposits a loud _‘mwaah!’_ on the crown of her daughter’s head before dashing away.

Rose waits until she is out of sight before turning to you.

“Leave, Strider.”

“No.” You lounge further against the wall. “Not without some scalding hot cocoa in my belly.”

“She’s not going to bring us cocoa, you idiot. Don’t you see?” Rose leans closer to you, but her eyes slip out of focus. “This is just another one of her ploys. Leaving us together like this, she’s confident that you’ll draw some sort of emotional breakthrough out of me, releasing whatever dam of pent-up emotions she’s perceived that I’m withholding.”

“You know what I think, Lalonde?” You wag your finger at her. “You’re just a paranoid bitch who’s too busy looking a gift horse in the mouth to see that you’ve currently got it made.”

“You think I’ve got it made?” She asks incredulously. “Have you not been paying attention to anything at all? We’re stuck on this meteor, John and Jade are probably dead, Kanaya has just dumped me, my mother won’t leave me alone…”

“God, will you all just please stop saying that?”

“What?”

“The whole _‘John and Jade are dead’_ bullshit. They’re alive, you know that.”

Rose gives you the most condescending, disappointed look she can muster.

“Dave… we don’t _know_ anything. It’s been _weeks_ and we haven’t heard _anything_ from them. If they were alive, if they were coming, we would have heard something by now.”

“They might be too far away.”

“They’re dead, Dave.” She scoots back to her side of the bed. “Just accept it.”

You stare at her for a while and simply wonder how anyone can be so screwed up in the head.

“What happened to you, Rose?” You demand. “Because this isn’t the Lalonde I knew. You’re not the type of person to accept defeat like this. You’re a fighter, a thinker, a wizard or something. You clawed your way out of a Horrorterror pit, killed a giant riddle snake, and solved almost every problem we’ve faced so far with that big, stupid brain of yours. Stop being a brat for a second, and _think_.”

“About what?” Her gaze is fixed upon her worn slippers.

“About… about whatever comes to mind.” You slide closer to her across the bed. “For me it’s you.”

“Me?” Her head whips around to look at you.

“Yeah, you.” You shrug nonchalantly. “And Jade and John and Bro and Terezi and hell, even Karkat. I think about _you_ and I remind myself that everything I do: I do for you guys. And if anything were to happen to any of you, then… I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”

Rose opens her mouth to speak, but before she can begin, Mama Lalonde suddenly swings around the corner with two mugs thrust in front of her like a pair of delicious lances.

“Here you go, my darlings!” She sings, dishing out the goods. “Now, where were we?”

She plops herself down between you and Rose once more and looks between the pair of you expectedly. You sip your drink, savor the bitterly sweet taste, and watch the stripe of light blue that is Rose’s headband (the only part of her that you can see from here) as it bobs almost lazily.

“I believe we were… patching up old grievances?” She speaks after a moment, almost quizzically. There’s no sarcasm in her words, no subtext or hidden meaning. Rose is no longer Rose, she’s some else.

Maybe someone hopeful.

And as daughter and mother begin to talk, you simply lean back, sip from your mug, and watch with a sly smirk tugging at your lips.

* * *

=> Be Nepeta Leijon

**DAY THIRTY.**

You are now Nepeta Leijon.

You are tired, you are hungry, you are sad and angry and so many other confusing things that listing them would take too much time and energy, energy that you really don’t have left to spare. However, out of all these negative things you’re feeling, there’s one thing that shines out and gives you hope:

You are not alone.

He’d come for you that first night, as you lay in the dirt exactly where Dave and Karkat had dumped you. Apparently he’d heard your screams and your tears. He’d heard you and decided to help. He’d kept you safe, if not always sound, and alive, if not always healthy.

In the weeks after your exile, Eridan Ampora has kept you company.

On the edge of your old friends’ territory, the pair of you have stood, watching the temple and stalking the trolls and humans inside day after day. As you hold his hand, feeling his eldritch powers course into your flesh, you think about how silly Karkat was to kick you out and how stupid he’s going to feel when he sees you again.

You think back to that first night, when Eridan found you:

“It doesn’t feel good to be an outsider, does it?” His voice was deep, double-toned, as if hummed by a choir of angels. “I know what you’re going through, Nepeta. Trust me on that.”

He is… different. His grey skin is somehow darker, his eyes are pure white, and black, smoky essence rolls off of him in waves, electrically charging all the hairs on your body when he brushes past you.

“H- How are you here? I th- thought…”

“You thought I was dead?” He’d laughed, quiet and serious. “Aw, sweet Nepeta. I was not killed. I was reborn. The Horrorterrors are much better friends than Karkat, or even Jack Noir for that matter. They’ve taught me things you wouldn’t belive, shown me secrets that would melt your brain, and promised me power so unimaginable and bad-ass.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

“No. No, of course not.” He had extended his hand to you. “I’m here to help.”

Now, standing on the crest of a rocky hill and looking down towards your friends below, you finally bring up the courage to ask what sort of _‘help’_ he’s really willing to offer.

“I’m surprised at you, Nep. I would have thought after these days together, you would have learned to trust me.” He answers when you voice your concern. “I only want to help you _help_ your friends to understand what a terrible mistake they’ve made.”

He leans down, cups your chin in his hand, and presses his icy cold lips to yours. You shiver under his touch, the power the ripples between you and the odd lightness in your stomach.

“We’re going to help them understand what their missing out on, okay?”

He pulls away and straightens up to his impressive height. His black cloak billows behind him in a non-existent breeze and his many golden rings glint like tiny suns. You tear your eyes away from him and look down and see that Karkat and Kanaya are walking together away from the temple.

You nod carefully.

“Okay. I trust you, Eridan, beclaws you’re my friend.”

“Mhmm.”

Together, you start walking down the hill and towards the black temple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the only context in which I will ship Eridan/Nepeta. I don't hate any ship. It's just that Eridan/Nepeta has never really done it for me, you know? This next chapter will the be the final chapter in Act 4. The plan is for our group to be all together again by halfway through Act 5. Who knows though? Shit happens.
> 
> I almost got talked into getting a tattoo over the weekend, but decided against it. For a lot of reasons, mainly because I didn't have any money.
> 
> So I guess for those who comment: Would you ever get a Homestuck tattoo? If so, what and where?  
> I would want to get Vriska Serket, riding a motorcycle, whilst playing an electric bass and singing "How Do I Live" with lyrics floating all around her with music notes and stuff. I'd probably put it on my back or arm. Somewhere where there's a lot of space. I think it would be cool to have a whole sleeve of Homestuck tattoos and one tat of just barbed wire (for style of course)
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	39. ACT 4 - PART 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jeedies for commenting. Yes, they probably should have used to code, but look at it from their point of view: If you were stuck on a ship for over a year, wouldn't you leap at the chance to burn something? It's something to do, you know?
> 
> Thanks again.

=> Be Karkat Vantas

**STILL DAY THIRTY.**

You are Karkat Vantas. And once again a third party has decided that you are supposed to be doing something that you aren't doing and is going out of their way to make sure that you do the thing that you were supposed to be doing in the first place.

Does that make sense?

In short: Terezi set you up on a "Friend Date" with Kanaya.

"You guys need to get out, you know? Reconnect. Hehe." The blind nutcase had said, ushering you towards the temple entrance.

"We don't have time for this sort of thing." You'd complained accurately. "There's better-quality shit going on."

Resistance was futile. Not only did Terezi ignore anything you said, screamed, or shouted, she was also fully prepared to manhandle you into submission.

"Just go out for a bit, make-out platonically, talk about how awful everything is. You need this, Nubs.  _She_  needs this. You know how she's been mopeing around all over the place for these past few days. A change of scenery will help her get over Rose once and for all."

What was a change of scenery going to do? And really, what else is there to look at on this stupid meteor? More rocks?

The truth was that you actually  _did_  want to spend time with Kanaya. However, coming to her now, with her relationship in shambles and a dark raincloud over her head, felt a little bit like cheating. Almost as if you've been waiting for things to fall apart just so you can swoop in to save the day. Hell, maybe you had been.

But when you really think about it, isn't a friend exactly what Kanaya needs right now?

Relationships are confusing. Maybe that's why you like them so much? Regardless, it was those thoughts that finally got you to accept Terezi's proposal and commit to this Friend Date. With the temple entrance a few yards away, you force Terezi to stop.

"What is it?" She asked. "You aren't bitching out on this."

"No. I'm fully prepared to go through with this colossal waste of time if it will get you to leave me alone and…" You catch yourself. This isn't what you wanted to say. "And I guess I want to say… thanks for this. If I'm being honest, this actually doesn't seem like all that bad of an idea."

Her face twists into that horrible, shit-eating grin that displays way too much teeth and at the same time your stomach begins to churn. Had you really just agreed to go through with another scheme Terezi has up her sleeves? You feel your traitorous words like acid on your tongue.

Her arms suddenly come up to wrap around your neck like a bony noose.

"Have fun tonight, Nubs. But not  _too_  much fun. Maybe when you come back tonight, we can start working on filling another one of your Quadrants."

"What are you…"

She interrupts you with a quick, sloppy, horribly-aimed kiss that smears saliva across your jaw. You shiver as she pulls away, and furiously wipe your face on the sleeve of your sweater.

"Ta ta for now." She wriggles her fingers and dances away before you can curse at her, leaving you to grumble obscenities under your breath, which isn't nearly as fun without an audience.

What is she talking about? Filling  _another_  Quadrant? At the moment, you don't have  _any_  Quadrants filled. You've known for a long time that you and Terezi have unresolved flushed issues, and you'll deal with that eventually. Honestly, you plan on it.

But something about the way she says ' _another Quadrant'_  gets your gears turning.

It hits you when you exit the temple to find Kanaya leaning against the outer wall. Her clothes are immaculate as always, although you can notice a slight ruffling in her hair and a distinct lack of jade lipstick. The breakup was hard on her too. She's just better at hiding it.

Anyways, it's when you see her that it dawns on you what Terezi is talking about. You're  _happy_  to see Kanaya, like  _really_  happy. She's one of your oldest friends, one of the few left alive, your first-mate, your trusted advisor, and potentially…

Potentially she could be your Moirail.

"Hey, Kan." Suddenly you're nervous. You aren't prepared for this. How can anyone be prepared for this? Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. "What's up? Got nothing better to do besides stand against the wall, looking all sorts of nonchalant?"

She regards you calmly, her arms folded across her chest and her head cocked slightly to the side.

"It's good to see you too, Karkat. I belive you know what is up." She speaks in that ever-smooth voice of hers. "Terezi has seen it fit for us to spend some time together…"

"Yeah. If you don't want to, it's cool. We could just…"

"And I agree with her that it might be an excursion well worth our while."

You pause.

"Really? I mean, you think so?"

"I don't see why not." She pushes away from the wall and joins your side. "It does seem as if we've been seeing less and less of each other as of late and in light of recent events, I'd prefer to keep what friends I have within close, metaphorical proximity."

"Oh, well  _cool_." You lead the way away from the temple and towards the rocky hills. You don't have a destination in mind or really any conversational topics. So you just say what comes to mind. "This meteor really is awful, huh? I mean, everything is awful."

Kanaya laughs lightly.

"Something's never change. I can always count on you to be a glorious ray of sunshine." She says.

"Well if there's one thing I value, its consistency." You mount the crest of a hill and stand atop a rocky plateau. "I'm a cranky asshole, yeah. But I'd rather be me than a naïve ignoramus, a flighty know-it-all, an insufferable prick, or a waspish furry any day of the sweep."

"Really? You'd never want to try being a blind nutcase, a sweaty hunk, or a fashionable vampire?"

"Nope. There's a sort of satisfaction in complacency, if you know what I mean."

"I don't."

"Well that's alright. I sort of lost track of where I was going with this anyways."

Down behind you, the temple can be seen, a black square among a sea of grey. From your vantage point, you can see all around you for miles and you are awarded the sensation of having the ability to reach up and touch the stars, as if they are feet away instead of billions of miles.

Kanaya stands primly next to you, her deep green eyes fixed above and hands laced in front of her hips. She really is pretty. No one else seems to appreciate the extra effort she puts into her appearance each morning. While everyone else is concerned with just staying alive, Kanaya has the thought to make herself presentable and give everyone something pleasant to look at when times get a bit rough.

Not to say that she is vain, or not survival-oriented in the slightest. You've seen her wield that chainsaw of hers in the most fearsome of manners, hacking through imps like wet tissue paper.

She's a catch and you curse Rose for not seeing that.

"Are you okay?" You ask after a moment, surprisingly yourself by actually caring.

"I'm sorry?" Her head snaps to you quickly. Apparently she was momentarily lost in thought as well.

"I asked if you're okay."

"Oh, well I'm fine. Thank you."

"Not right now." You gesture vaguely around the hill. "I know that you're fine right now. I mean, how are you holding up? Are there any burning rage fires in your chest or icy claws wrapped around your heart, tearing away at your emotions until you're just shell of the troll you once were?"

She looks at you for a second, a word on her lips but an idea in her head, an idea that reminds her that you have better things to worry about than how she feels. You feel a hot bubble form in your chest.

"I'm coping." She says simply. "Break-ups are never easy, but I'm…"

"Stop." You cut her off. "Just stop there, rewind, and tell me how you  _actually_  feel. The whole reason we came out here on this stupid  _'Friend Date'_  was to talk, so just talk dammit. Don't worry about sounding stupid or pointless. I'm your friend, right? Tell me what's on your fucking mind."

A small smile threatens to puncture her lower lip with a fang. On instinct, she shifts her lips to avoid such an occurrence and her smile widens.

"Well then. Honestly, I feel terrible." She shakes her head. "Every time I see Rose I just want to… talk to her, you know? I want to apologize and ask for her to take me back. But then I just turn and walk the other way, it's like my body is fighting my mind, my heart. I try avoiding her, but how is that possible when you live within the same hundred square feet?"

" _You_  shouldn't be doing any apologizing." You say, jabbing her in the chest with a stiff index finger. "She decided that it was good idea to fuck everything up, not you. What you need to do is wait for her to come to her senses, and then shut her down completely when she comes crawling back on her hands and knees."

"How would that solve anything?"

"I've said it from the beginning, Kan. Interspecies relationships are nothing but trouble. Look at John and Vriska and tell me that that is a healthy relationship."

"It isn't."

"You're damn right it isn't." You shove your hands into your pockets. "I'm sorry to be rough with you, but this whole Flushed thing that you had with her was doomed from the start. It's just important that you know that."

"So are you saying that I shouldn't feel bad, since our relationship was doomed for failure anyways?"

"Sure. If that makes sense. Why the fuck not?"

"Hmmm." She thinks for a moment. "That's an interesting proposition that I had not considered before."

"That's why you need me around." You pat her on the shoulder in the friendliest way possible. "You and I are on different thought wavelengths. We complete each other."

Her eyebrow raises slightly.

"Oh… is that so?"

"Uh…" You've only just processed what you've just said and it's rather forward, pale implications. "Y- You know what I mean."

"I think I do…" Was she always this close to you?

"K- Kanaya?"

"Relax. I want to try something."

You can't breathe. This is the closest anyone other than Terezi has been to you in a long,  _long_  time. As her face draws closer to yours, you have a sudden fear that she is going to try and kiss you. Terezi had been joking about the  _'platonic make-outs'_ … right?

Pale kissing isn't completely unheard of, just a little uncommon. If Kanaya is into that sort of thing… you don't know if you could go along with that. However, at the last second her mouth changes course, trails hot breath down your neck, and presses softly against the exposed skin above your collar.

Then her fangs pierce your skin.

Tremors run though your body in powerful waves. You feel like shoving her away, screaming and shouting at her, putting as much distance between yourself and her crazy ass as possible. This is wrong. It  _feels_  wrong, as if someone is tickling your skin with a comb made of safety pins. You feel lightheaded, as if you might pass out and when Kanaya gives a low moan that vibrates your veins, your vision starts to swim.

"Oooh shiiiiiiiit." You gasp, wrapping your arms around Kanaya's slim waist in an attempt to stay upright.

If this is how you're going to die, sucked dry like a juice box by your best friend, then you suppose there are worse ways to go. At least after this you won't have to worry about whatever awkward, flushed conversation Terezi has for you when you get back to the temple.

Somewhere in the haze, Kanaya's hand finds yours and pulls it from her skirt. Two of her fingers press against your palm, a silent offering, an ancient question. You respond by curling the appropriate digits and pushing your index and middle fingers against her own, forming a perfect diamond shape.

Only then does she pull away with a sickening  _squelch_  sound. A bloody mustache rests on her upper lip, right above the biggest smile you've ever seen and the sharpest, most gleaming fangs in the galaxy.

"That was…" She wipes her mouth on the back of her hand. "Delicious."

"Heh, yeah." You pull up the collar of your sweater, trying to retract your head entirely.

"I've been thinking about doing that ever since…"

She is cut off by a massive explosion that rattles the ground beneath your feet and threatens to burst your ear drums. Both of you turn quickly to see the temple shake dangerously and then slowly begin to collapse in on itself. Grey plumes of dust cloud down below, screams and shouts can be heard, and another deafening boom vibrates through the air.

It seems that you and your new Moirail will have to finish this date later.

You grab Kanaya by the wrist and tug her towards the mayhem, ignoring the hot, sticky mess trickling down inside your shirt and the horrible haze that still clouds your vision. The only people you still care about are inside that wreckage and as you dash clumsily down the hill, you pray that you won't have to bury anyone else.

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

**STILL DAY THIRTY.**

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. As D-Strides, you're the only person at this table who has any idea what they're doing.

"Don't look so dejected, gang." You say as you rake a large pile of poker chips towards your already over-flowing collection. "Texas Hold 'Em has a bit of a learning curve, yeah, but I think yall are getting the hang of it."

Terezi, who had just joined the last hand, folds her arms over her chest in frustration.

"It doesn't make any sense." She complains. "All the cards taste the same!"

"I told you we should have played UNO, instead." Rose is sitting on your other side, a similar look of frustration adorning her face. " _That_  game has the elegant simplicity that this group needs. There's no learning curve in UNO."

"Then you should go alchemize some." You begin dealing out the next hand. "Alright, everyone place their bets."

Everyone around the table, Rose, Terezi, Mrs. Lalonde, and Harley, exchange glances.

"I dare say you've run us out of chips, sonny." Harley says with a twinkle in his eye that would make Dumbledore proud.

God damn, you gotta stop spending so much time with Rose. Her nerdiness is rubbing off on you.

"I bet," Mom plucks a small pearl earring from her lobe. "One earring."

"No." Rose begins. "We're not going to start…"

"I raise you a pair of sick shades!" Tz whips off her glasses and tosses them onto the table.

"I'll call that." And before you know it, your own shades are piled atop Terezi's.

All eyes look to you, with the exception of Terezi who's gaze is off by a few feet. Rose and Mama Lalonde look slightly stunned, Rose more so as she's never seen you without your shades. Harley just gives another slight smile, unclasps the watch from his wrist and tosses it in.

Rose heaves a mighty sigh.

"Great," She mutters, pulling her headband from her hair and letting loose a gentle wave of blonde locks. "I'm playing strip-poker with my mother and brother."

"Oh. Lighten up, darling." Mrs. Lalonde tosses an arm around Rose's shoulders. "It's all in good fun. I'm sure this won't get out of hand."

Less than two minutes later you're sporting two pairs of shades, a headband, and a new watch.

"You know what." You roll the pearl earring across the table between your hands. "I think we should try Jenga."

"Seconded."

"Thirded!"

As Mrs. Lalonde rushes to collect the Jenga set, you lean over to Rose.

"Face it, Lalonde." You smirk. "You're having fun right now."

"This is… pleasant, yes." Rose looks in the direction her mother disappeared. "Although I can't help but wonder when everything is going to fall apart."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that everything is quiet now. There isn't a killer amongst us, there aren't any interspecies romances causing tension, there isn't even any strange mother-daughter paranoid dynamics anymore. Everything is just fine. It's quiet."

"Too quiet?"

"I wasn't going to say it."

Terezi's cackling draws your attention back over to her. She's talking excitedly with an awkward Harley. Out of everyone, the old man had the hardest time adjusting to their extra-terrestrial party members.

"I bet Karkat is totally losing his shit right now." She's saying. "I mean, he acts all angry and condescending all the time, but stick him with a potential romantic partner and he's a regular John Egbert. Hahaha!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" You snap. "John's about as smooth as they come."

Rose giggles quietly in response.

"You're loyalty is admirable, Dave, but honestly John probably couldn't woo his way out of a wet paper bag." She smiles.

"The only reason Vriska went for him was because there was no one else." Tz continues. "Anyways, yeah. Karkat's a total mess with this sort of thing. He'll be stuttering and sweating and oooooh. I wish I'd gotten Kanaya to film it."

Rose appears more interested in Karkat and Kanaya's potential relationship than jealous.

"I'm curious, Terezi. What does being someone's Moirail entail exactly?"

"Kanaya never explained it to you?"

"Well, she did. I'm just always interested to hear different opinions."

Tz cackles again.

"There are no opinions about it. Pale relationships are set in stone typically unless you're one of those freaks who blurs quadrant lines. Moirails balance each other out. They're platonic soul mates."

"Hmmm." Rose elbows you in the ribs. "Sounds a little bit like you and John, hmmm?"

"No way, sis." You shake your head. "Me and John are Bro's for life. It's a completely different concept, a part of something I like to call  _'The Love Rhombus'_."

"The Love Rhombus?" Harley echoes. "That sounds painful."

"I thought a love rhombus is when three people all vie for a fourth person's romantic affection."

"Well, that's where you're wrong, dear sister of mine." You grab some of the playing cards and arrange them into the shape of a rhombus on the table top. "See this two of diamonds? That's  _'Bro's for Life'_. Then you got the two of hearts, which is your ' _Bone Partner'_ , or the partner that you bone. And then you've got the two of spades and that's the most complex of them all:  _'Babe who you have a one night stand with and never call again, unless she's a six or above'_."

Terezi shrieks with laughter, Harley simply shakes his head, and Rose gives you one of the dirtiest, most disgusted look you've received today.

"How poetic of you, David." She says. "To take something as intricate and complex as Troll Romance Quadrants and parody them in the most uncouth way imaginable."

"You're missing one, cool kid." Tz leans forward and sniffs the last side of The Love Rhombus. "What's the eight of clubs?"

"Oh," You smirk. "The eight of clubs is the  _'radical, insane, call the cops, orgy association'_."

"Wonderful."

"I say!"

"What's an orgy?"

"I'll explain that later."

As Terezi descends into mad giggles once more, Rose casts about for her mother.

"She's been gone a while. Do you think she needs help?" She asks.

"Finding a board game? No. I think she'll be fine." You no sooner are the words out of your mouth then cold voice laughs loudly from behind you.

Both you and Rose turn in your seats and… Well, frankly you don't know what you're looking at.

Rose's Mother is being led forward by some troll dude in a cape and… is that Nepeta? Your confusion must not be an exclusive attribute, since Mama Lalonde looks about as freaked out as you feel. The only people who seem to grasp what's happening and react accordingly are Terezi and Rose.

"Eridan!" Tz shouts, jumping to her feet. "What are you doing here!?"

"Playing games are we?" The troll named Eridan laughs again, his voice layered with magic. "That sounds fun. I have an idea for a game."

Rose has pulled both of her wands from within her robes, leaving you feeling extremely foolish without your sword and clad in two pairs of sunglasses and a woman's headband.

You're ecto-sister's face is twisted into an angry snarl.

"Let her go, Eridan." She demands. Her eyes flicker between Eridan's sinister appearance and Nepeta, processing events much too quickly for your standards. "I'm sure that we can broach whatever issues we have without resorting to violence."

"You know what? I don't think we can." Eridan turns to Nepeta. "Go, my sweet. Go and bring them to me."

Nepeta nods and quickly scampers away towards the rear of the temple. You watch her run away, still too slow to process what is going on.

"The needles." You hear Rose hiss by your ear. "She's going for the  _needles_."

The needles? Oh yeah, Echidna's Needles, the ones that belonged to that little snake that you crushed to death on LOFAF. The needles that you need to activate The Scratch. You know the ones, those really,  _really_  important needles.

Nepeta must have told Eridan about them. Why would he want them though? Hell, who even is this guy?

You decide to shelve the issue for later, when your mom isn't a prisoner and Nepeta isn't stealing your shit. When you jump to your feet and turn to follow the cat girl, Eridan shouts once more.

"Nu uh!" He yells, raising his hand and pointing his fingers at your chest. "That's far enough, attractive male human. One more step and I'll blow you to little smithereens."

"Listen to me, Eridan." Rose says. "I know what it's like to be grimdark. The Horrorterrors, they tell you things, they say that they want to help, but trust me when  _I_ say: they are not your friends."

"They are more friends to me than these miserable excuses for trolls ever were." He nods to Tz. "And I will not hear any more of your talk Rose Human. Consider this payback for what you tried to do to me!"

Several things happen almost too fast for you to process. Rose fires a spell, Eridan fires a spell, Mrs. Lalonde screams, and then the whole earth shakes. Dust fills your vision and your mouth, and something hard collides with your shoulder, knocking you flat to the ground.

You hear more screaming, a girl, probably Rose and the annoying laughter that can only belong to Eridan. Digging into your impressive amounts of will-power, you push yourself to your feet and cast around in the dusty mess for your friends.

"Rose?! Harley?!"

"Dave!" It's Terezi. "Over here, Dave!"

You stumble over a broken chair and smash your nose into a wall that wasn't there before. The ceiling of the temple had fallen down into your path, completely smashing half of the card table and separating you from Terezi's voice. You feel along the jagged rock and slip past it to where Terezi is kneeling next to a prone Harley.

"Oh, shit." You drop down next to them. "Are you okay? Harley, what the fuck?"

"Dave." He's on his back, his eyes unfocused and his mouth agape. "Dave what happened?"

"Some heavy shit apparently." You quickly scan Harley and see that a large chunk of the ceiling is pinning him to the floor. "Terezi, help me with this."

You and Tz try to shift the rock off of Harley's legs, but to no avail. It's too heavy and you're more of a endurance guy then a strength guy. On the ground, Harley moans and tries to pull himself away.

"Ah, I can't move, Dave." He gasps.

"I know, man. I got it. Just give us a second." You push against the rock with all of your might. Still it doesn't budge.

A large hand grabs your shoulder.

"Care to explain what is happening, Strider?" It's Equius. You've never been happier to see the large troll before in your life.

"No time to explain." You grab the front of his shirt and pull him towards the rock. "Get this shit off of Harley and then you get him out of here, alright? He's probably hurt a little bit." You turn to Terezi next. "Where are Rose and her mom?"

"I dunno where your mom is." Terezi says quickly. "But I think Rose ran after Eridan."

"Alright. I'm going to stop Nepeta. You stay with Harley." As you turn and run through the dust, you hear Harley moan some more, Equius echo Nepeta's name, and another evil laugh in the distance. Somewhere through the wreckage, Rose is battling Eridan.

You pump your arms and sprint towards your cot, overturning the furniture completely, you snatch your sword from the floor and go back to running once more. You set your sights on the temple entrance, a vague shape through the dust-filled air. If you get out of the ruins and into open sky, you might just catch sight of the crazy cat girl or her evil, wizardly companion.

As you near the entrance, you see it. The scarf is burnt and torn, lying amidst a pile of ash. You squat and pick it up. Without a doubt, it's the same one worn by Mrs. Lalonde and without a doubt, you know that the woman will never wear it again. Glinting merrily through the pile of ash, you see a pearl earring, identical to the one now resting in your shirt pocket.

You drop the scarf and keep running. Fuck Nepeta, you're looking for Eridan now.

The outside of the temple is just as barren as always, although you can see now that there are sets of footprints leading towards the rocky hills. The sounds of a fierce battle urges you forward and you begin to follow the footprints. Up the hill you go, around a clump of boulders and…

"Oh," Nepeta is right in front of you, with Aradia's satchel under her arm and dust coating her stupid hat. "Dave!"

"Sup, Nepeta." You raise your sword.

"This is awkward." Claws protrude from her gloves with a metallic  _snikt_.

"Not as awkward as that one time I gave your severed head to your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend! We're in an open relationship!" Nepeta leaps forward with a hiss.

**STRIFE!**

You dodge out the way and she goes sailing past you, imbedding her claws in the rock. Those things must be really sharp. You decide to avoid them to the best of your ability.

With all of your might, you take a swipe at her head. She ducks and pulls her claws from the rock a split second before you draw a neat line across its grey surface. A millisecond earlier and this fight would have been the shortest, but most satisfying one to date.

Nepeta is small, and fast too. Like a speeding bullet she rolls over the dirt to your side and digs her claws into your leg. The blades cut deep and are so sharp that you almost don't feel the metal until it brushes against your bone. Then you remember to scream.

"Augh! God-Damn!" You swipe at her again, but she dances away out of reach. "Fuck, I really hate you."

"Not as much as I hate you." She snarls, flexing her blood-stained claws. "You kicked me out of the group and at the Jive you totally didn't dance with me at all!"

"Yeah, because you're fucking insane!" You lunge and stab towards her head again, but she gracefully rolls out of the way once more. "Ugh! Stand still!"

"No!"

You drag your blade through the air again, hacking at her with quick strikes over and over again, each time missing her by inches. You chop a small rock in half, golf pebbles into the air, and bury your blade to the hilt in the dirt next to her head.

She rolls once more and bounces to her feet behind you, unleashing her own flurry of jabs into your exposed back. The sound of ripping fabric fills the air, along with your cries of rage and pain. This is not going well for you, not in the slightest.

Twisting wildly, you pull your sword from the ground and swing it in her direction again, only to receive another slice across the ribs for your troubles. You stumble into the nearest boulder and slide to the ground. Your sword slides from your grip and clatters to the dirt next to your knee.

"I never liked you, Strider." Nepeta pounces on your chest, not caring when her knee presses into your groin. "Never. Not even at the dance. Did I ever tell you that you're a terrible kisser?"

"Not my fault." You mutter. "You never opened your mouth wide enough to let me work my magic."

"That's gross."

"You're gross. I hate you."

Nepeta smiles and presses her claws to your neck.

"That's pawfully rude of you to say."

"Yeah," Your fingers wrap around your sword again. "And so is this!"

Much to Nepeta's surprise, you lunge towards her, slicing your neck against her claws in the process but succeeding in driving your sword up through her chest. The cut on your neck stings, but judging from the fact that you can still breathe alright, you decide that you'll live.

Nepeta gasps and reaches out towards you, as if to claw you some more. You quickly step out of reach though, pulling your sword free and allowing her to curl around herself on the ground like dried leaf.

"Th- that didn't even- make any sense." She wheezes.

"Yeah, well. Excuse me for not planning out any one-liners beforehand." You stand by Nepeta's side until she stops moving.

Then you pull Aradia's satchel off her neck and turn to continue your search for Rose and Eridan.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

**STILL DAY THIRTY.**

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently running.

Eridan's laughter fills your ears, pushes its way into your skull and wraps around your brain like a powerful anaconda. He's enjoying himself, like everything is  _fun_ , like everything is some  _big_   _game_. Your mother… burned to a crisp in his dark grip, his melodic voice, guiding you after him. It's all you can think about. It's all you  _will_  think about.

That sound, that evil laughter, it could only ever come from someone who'd just accomplished an act they'd been thinking about for a long, long time. He wanted to hurt you and he did. Just like in the castle on LOWAS, so long ago, there is only murder in your heart. This time, John isn't here to stop you, to save you from yourself. Eridan is going to pay,  _hard_.

Your slippers aren't meant for running flat out across the rocky ground like this. Hell, you don't know  _what_  they were made for. All you know is that the smooth bottoms, more than once, send you sliding to your knees as you turn too sharply in pursuit of your prey.

You can hear his voice and his footsteps, bouncing off the rocks and the sky, guiding you after him. Eridan is leading you away from the ruined temple, towards some unknown destination. He could be leading you into some sort of trap, but you're too angry to be thinking rationally at the moment.

As you follow his voice over another hill, you find yourself at the top of a ravine, leading down to a crater of sorts. Eridan is at the bottom.

"Alone at last, Rose Lalonde." He raises his hand to you dramatically, as if asking you for a dance. "Come! Let us see who is the better- OH MY GOG!"

You shut him up with a quick spell that nearly tears that stupid haircut clean off his scalp. You're sprinting towards him now, dashing down the incline and towards the center of the crater.

**STRIFE!**

He blocks your next spell with a wave of his hand and responds in turn with his own blast of magical energy. You're quick to dispel it though, easily slicing your wands through the oncoming incantation as if you were swatting a fly.

For a moment, confidence gets to you. Eridan obviously hasn't been using the weeks after his attempted murder for wizard practice. He should know by now that it takes more than a few dramatic elements to make you a true magician. The moment vanishes when inky-black tentacles blast from his outstretched hand and surge towards you.

The Horrorterrors are truly on his side now.

You duck and fire more spells, warding off the eldritch influences as best as you can. If you fall into their grasp again, it seems unlikely that you'll the resolve to escape for a second time. You wonder if it wouldn't all be simpler if you had just succumbed to their will in the first place. Would you be stuck on this meteor? Would your mother be dead?

Twirling like the most elegant of dancers, you spin your wand like a baton and unleash a fierce barrage of mystical muscle in Eridan's direction. He squeals and tries to avoid it, but you're much too skilled for him to avoid it.

As Eridan is knocked off of his feet, you rush forward and pin him under your shoe. Shoving your wands under his chin, you ask the only question on your mind.

"Why?" You growl.

His Adam's apple shifts as he swallows, struggling to move around the wands pressing into his dark skin.

"Why what, Lalonde?" He spits. "Why did I come back for revenge? I'm pretty sure that's obvious, even to a pitiful human like you."

"No." You lean down, closer to his face. "Why did you kill  _her_?"

"The woman? She was your adult female guardian, right? I'm pretty sure that counts as revenge."

"NO!" You wand sparks and singes his skin on accident. No one cares. "She was innocent! She didn't do anything wrong! She was just some woman who hasn't done anything wrong her entire life, nothing but have the misfortune of giving birth to  _me_! And you- you just killed her!"

Eridan's mouth twists into a confident grin. He's finally broken through.

"Of course." He says. "I hate you, remember?"

With a feral roar, you jam your wand upwards as hard as you can, intending on skewering his head like marshmallow over a fire. However, as you do so, you encounter an unexpected resistance. As if his skin has now been replaced with a steel plate. Eldritch magic swirls around him in a dizzying spiral.

Eridan begins to laugh.

"Welcome back to the family, Rose Lalonde." He sneers.

You're confused by what he's saying until the dark tendrils, undulating from his black cloak begin to wrap around your arms and legs.

"No." You try to back away, but the darkness holds you close, pulling you towards Eridan. "No!"

You swipe with your wands once more but no magic comes to you. The tentacles have already laced around your hands, hindering your movements, and are now wrapping tenderly around your neck.

" _We'll never leave you, Rose Lalonde. Remember what we said? Together always."_

"NO!"

You hear the sound of an engine, a shrill shriek of anger, a strangled yell, and then you are coated in something hot and sticky. Purple blood.

You fall to your knees, as the eldritch horrors pull away from you, mere seconds before indoctrination was complete. Kanaya is standing in front of you now, on either side of her are the severed half's of Eridan's legs and torso, respectively.

"Ka- Kanaya." You gasp, suddenly her arms around you and pulling you to your feet.

She doesn't know yet. Kanaya doesn't understand. You grab at her sweater and clutch great fistfuls of the material as hard as you can, not caring as the fabric crinkles dangerously.

"It's alright, Rose." She sings. "Don't worry. I got him."

"D- Don't let me go dark." You cling to her. "Don't let me go dark again."

"We won't. You're safe now."

You're perceptive enough to know that Karkat is there too, cursing up a storm and investigating Eridan's corpse. Slowly, Kanaya begins to half support-half carry you back in the direction of the temple. You try to resist, but she's firm. You don't want to go back yet. You don't want to see that scarf on the floor next to the pile of ash.

"Who was on watch?" Karkat demands, stomping along next to you. "Was anyone keeping an eye out?! I mean for fucks sake we had a murderer running around out here."

"Leave her alone, Karkat. We'll discuss this when we get back."

He grumbles into silence, apparently Kanaya now wields some semblance of control over him. Even in your fractured state, you still make a mental note of that for later.

Nearing the temple, Kanaya comes to a halt. Karkat has spotted something.

"It's Nepeta." He says, kneeling down next to her. "Damn there's a lot of blood here, some of it's red. Strider must have caught up with her."

"Damn straight." Everyone turns to see Dave hobbling towards you over the rocks. "Christ, Rose. I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Not everywhere apparently." Karkat jabs. "It didn't cross your mind to go towards the magical explosions coming from that crater?"

"I was working my way there."

Dave comes up on your other side and pulls your other arm over his shoulders as well. Supported between Kanaya and Dave, you finally feel warmth start to creep into your chest once more, the warmth that had been sapped from the dark touch of Eridan's masters.

"Dave, you're hurt." You take in his bloodied leg, the cut on his neck, and the way he gingerly holds his side.

"Nothing too serious. You know me, Lalonde. I've got nine and a half lives in me." He and Kanaya start tugging you towards the temple once more. Karkat leads the way. "Eh, it's probably too soon to make cat jokes, huh?"

"Probably." You rest your head on his shoulder. "Dave."

"Yeah."

"Did you see? Did you see what happened to…"

"Yeah. I saw." His fingers dig into your side. "I'm sorry about your Mom, Rose."

"She- she was  _our_  mom, Dave." You blink hard, fighting tears. You've made it this far, you can hold on a little while longer. "She was your mom too."

He's silent after that, holding his lips together in that impenetrable poker face that makes him so adept at the card game. You wish he didn't feel the need to hide behind those sunglasses all the time. If anyone deserves to know what he's really thinking, you think it's probably you.

As you near the temple, Terezi rushes out to meet you.

"Karkat!" She slams into him, causing him to stumble. "Are you alright? Did you see Eridan and Nepeta?"

"Yeah." He pushes her away. "Yeah we saw them. Where is everyone else?"

"Equius is inside and…" Terezi sniffs the air and turns towards you. "Dave." She brushes past Karkat and grabs onto your ecto-brother's sleeve. "Come on. He's asking for you."

"Equius?" Dave questions.

"No. The old man."

The whole group transitions to the inside of what is left of the temple. The ceiling is gone, giving way to the great expanse of stars. All of the dust has settled and everything is coated in what looks like black snow. In the very center, next to a pile of smashed, black rock, lies Harley with Equius crouched near his side. The old man's legs are horribly twisted and hastily patched with red, dripping bandages.

You can see instantly that Grandpa Harley won't be getting up anytime soon. Dave moves forward.

"Hey there, Harley." He says, taking Equius's place. "How's it going, Bro?"

"Eh, I'm just dandy, old boy. Just dandy." He chuckles and shifts on the broken ground. He coughs hard. "You look a little worse for wear yourself, Sonny."

"It's nothing." Dave shakes his head. "I'm fine."

"Right-o." Harley nods. "That's good, because I need you to do something for me."

"Sure. Whatever you want."

"I need you to take care of Jade for me."

You turn away. This is a not a scene that you feel like witnessing. This isn't your place. However, clinging to Kanaya, there's no way that you can convey your desire to leave without verbally catching her attention. Kanaya, just like everyone else, has her attention fixed on Harley and Dave.

"N-now don't start that bullshit. I'm gonna need your help with that job." Dave says, a little wobbly. "I d-dunno if I can do that all on my own. Jade's a handful in a half."

"I'm sure you'll manage."

"Come on, Harley. Get on up and let's get you fixed. You're alright. You're doing good, man."

"No. I think it's time I had a nice kip."

"Naw. No, no, no." Dave chuckles, shaking his head over and over. "Come on. Get up, Harley. You're good. You're so good. It's hard to even fathom how good you are right now."

Harley reaches up and grabs Dave by his shoulder, gripping his shirt tightly and smiling up at him. His large mustache is frazzled and his face is coated in dirt, but his eyes are so bright, like two brilliant green suns.

"Take care of yourself, Dave, and my Jade too."

"I can't. Harley, she needs you. You need to see her again. I'm not- I'm not good enough. I can't…"

"If you become a father one day, you'll understand." Harley presses his hand harder into Dave's shoulder, trying to stop the younger man from shaking so much. " _No man_  is good enough for your little girl… until one  _is_."

"Come on…" Dave repeats. He grabs the front of Harley's shirt. "Come on. Don't be like this.  _Don't_  talk like this."

Harley doesn't respond. He's already leaned back against the floor and closed his eyes.

You turn then, pulling from Kanaya's grasp and stumbling away across the floor. She turns after you, but you just shake your head. Right now you need to be alone.

You hear Dave behind you, talking to the assembled crew.

"What the fuck are yall doing?!" He shouts. "Do  _something_!"

You don't stop moving forward, only pausing for the briefest of moments to collect your headband from where it was discarded earlier and once more to scoop up the forgotten scarf. You're legs are still unsteady underneath you, but you force your way through the weakness, wobbling like a drunk.

You have enough strength to stagger through the front entrance of the ruined temple and to the outer wall. You slump to the ground, fold the scarf over your lap and slide your headband over your head. With practiced ease, you slide your bang out of your face and position the blue band perfectly on your crown.

With a small  _flick_ , a green lens positions itself in front of your left eye. After three rings, he doesn't answer. No surprise there. This time though, instead of hanging up dejectedly, you begin to talk.

"Hey, John." You begin. "It's, Rose. I don't know when you'll receive this message, or if you ever will. I've tried reaching you before of course, we all have, but you and Jade never seem to be able to come to the phone. Haha. Right now, I'm not expecting a different result. I just really need to talk to you."

You massage your forehead with your bloodied fingers and take a deep breath.

"I- I don't know how to tell you this, but I think we're done here. I think we've hit the wall, struck rock bottom, fallen from grace, whatever you like. I don't know if there's anything left to do besides sit here and wait. For what, you ask? I don't know… Help? Rescue? For it all to just… end?"

The scarf in your lap is torn and you fiddle absentmindedly with a loose string.

"I just don't know what to do anymore. It's only been… minutes and it feels as if so much time has passed. I miss you John. I miss you and Jade so much. I feel- I feel like there's a hole."

And there is.

You close your eyes and press the back of your head against the temple wall.

"My mother is dead. Jade's Grandpa is dead. You're probably dead too and… I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. If you're not dead, John, if you're actually alive: please come here as soon as possible. We need you now more than ever."

The stars are twinkling above you, happy to just exist, floating about in space as swirling balls of fiery gas. There are voices inside the temple, people are arguing, pointing fingers and passing blame, a few are probably crying. Someone is asking for you, Kanaya? Dave? You don't care.

"John." You squeeze your eyes shut, but that doesn't stop the tears. "Just… Please."

**END OF ACT FOUR.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ends act 4. Mom and Grandpa are dead, Rose misses her friends, Dave murdered Nepeta, and hey, Kanaya sawed Eridan in half finally. That's a thing. Act 5 will start being posted on Sunday, so stick around if you're interested in that. Act 5 will primarily be John and Jade stuff, but by mid-way though the whole gang should be reunited. Then maybe The Scratch will happen.
> 
> Maybe.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	40. ACT 5 - PART 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jeedies for commenting.

=> Be Jade Harley.

You are Jade Harley. Houston, we have a problem.

Or, at least that’s what you would say if you were an astronaut, or if there was a Houston to call, or if there actually was an urgent problem to report. It’s less of a problem and more of wondrous occasion. Sort of like Christmas.

“We can’t freak out, John!” You screech as you sprint down the hall. “We have to stay calm!”

“I know.” John jogs behind you. “Stop yelling and give me back my glasses.”

“After we’ve gotten some coordinates!” You lead the way to the main control room. “If I put your glasses into the computer we can track Rose’s call! We can find them, John! But only if we stay calm!”

“I know!” John’s hand latches onto your shoulder and brings you to an abrupt halt.

“Get off me! There’s no time to lose!”

“Jade, relax.” He turns you around and holds you at arm’s length. “Just take a second and breathe, okay? I know, this is exciting in all, but we can’t start flipping shit.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down! I’m about as calm as they come! I’m a paragon of calmness!”

“Then why are you yelling!”

“Because- EEEE!” You can’t hold back anymore. You leap towards John and wrap him in the biggest, tightest hug you can muster. “It happened, John! It happened! We got a call! We can get in touch with them! We can tell them that we’re okay! We can talk to our friends again!”

“Jade.” John peels you off of him gently. “I think we need to take a second and think about this.”

“What is there to think about?! Rose called us, John! I would have thought that you’d be happy!”

“Well, I am happy.” He rubs the back of his neck. “It’s just… I don’t know. That message sounded like she needed help. What if we’re too late?”

Oh, right. The message’s contents sort of slipped your mind in the excitement of hearing your friend’s voice. Rose had asked for _‘help’_ in the message, as ‘ _soon as possible_ ’ apparently. John raises a good point. Who knows how old the message could be? By the time it reached you, Rose could be long gone, along with… along with everyone else.

“Geez. You sure know how to kill the mood, Egderp.” You sigh and massage your eyes. “I thought you were supposed to be the optimistic one, our shining light in the darkest times.”

“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.” John says seriously and snatches his glasses out of your hand. “I want to be optimistic it’s just…”

“Hard sometimes?”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” You take his hand. “I say we plug-in your glasses, find the source of the call, and work from there, okay? If there’s still a chance that we can do something to help Rose, then we’re wasting our time talking.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Damn straight.”

You pull John towards the control room once more, passing the two pink turtles on the way. In all the excited running and yelling, they’d emerged from their little hovel in your bedroom to investigate the commotion.

“Morning, Egon!” Caught up in the stubborn throes of euphoria, you deposit a kiss on one of the turtle’s heads, startling him. “It’s a good day, huh?!”

“Blip! Blip!” He responds. “Blip!”

Oh, Egon. He’s always had a way with words. Spending over a year on the ship with those two reptiles has slowly changed your disposition towards them. Maybe they aren’t as lame as you thought? Now that you think about it, they’re actually kind of cute.

Once you’re in the control room, you steal John’s glasses once more and put them into a small compartment next to the steering wheel on the main consol. Then you begin hitting buttons.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” John asks. Without his glasses, he probably can’t see much of what is going on.

“Of course, John. It isn’t hard to reroute a call like this. Just like everything sent through space and time, it leaves a trail of bread crumbs. Right to…” You pause for dramatic effect and then stab the consol with a finger. “Here! Four degrees due west of our current trajectory and about… thirteen kilometers? John! Do you know what this means?”

“No.”

 You turn to face him, grabbing his hands and jumping excitedly.

“We’re closer to the meteor than we thought!” You dance. “We could see everyone in a matter of hours!”

“Really?” John blinks. “Uh, how’s this possible? I mean, it’s only like day four-hundred and something.”

You skip backwards and indicate the consol display once more.

“I don’t know, but the numbers don’t lie. Rose’s call definitely originated from a meteor nearby.” Grabbing the wheel, you set a course for the source. “We have to check it out.”

“Oh man.” John has retrieved is glasses and is gingerly cleaning them with his shirt. “Oh man, Jade. This is happening, isn’t it? Like, we’re really going to see them again?”

You turn to look at John, too hopeful to speak and too excited to contain your emotions. Who would have guessed that less than halfway through your voyage that this would happen? That you’d receive an unexpected, gleaming, neon arrow pointing you straight to your friends.

Grandpa. He’ll be there, that ‘ol slugger. You can’t wait to see him again! The sparse minutes you conversed back in Jack Noir’s castle were hardly enough time to hug, let alone catch up. You have so much to talk with him about!

Rose. You bet she’ll act all kinds of nonchalant when you show up, with a small grin and slight wave. However, you bet she’ll be bursting for joy on the inside, just happy to see you again. You wonder if she’s reconnected with her mom yet. Or if she’s still dating Kanaya. Oh, the relationship jibber jabs you could get into with her. Finally, some feminine interaction!

Dave. Oh shit…. DAVE!

“John!”

“What?!” He flinches when you yell suddenly.

“John!” You look down at your rumpled shirt and stained shorts. “What the fuck?! Why didn’t you tell me that I look ugly as fuck?!”

“Uh… what?”

You shove past him.

“Move! I have to take a shower!”

You dash past the turtles, still standing together in the hall like a pair of trash bins, and to the bathroom. The whole room is a mess, much like the rest of the ship, with your discarded clothes and various nick naks lying higgledy piggledy all over the place.

Throwing open the shower curtain, removing your custom made fifty-caliber sniper rifle from the tub, and quickly shedding your clothes, you jump in and scrub yourself under the hot spray until your skin glows a dull red.

“Holy shit.” You say, standing in front of the mirror mere seconds later. “Look at all this… _hair_.”

It’s a jungle up there of Randy Newman proportions, a mess of dripping wet, tangled, dark locks that cascade over your shoulders and down, well past your hips. You dry yourself as best as you can and then get to work, pulling the mass of hair up over your shoulder and tying it into a long, heavy braid. You’re a literal Rapunzel on a golden space ship and it’s time to meet your time traveling prince.

Or, something like that. Dave is more of a knight than a prince and you’re about as much of a princess as John is a badass. That is to say, not very much.

You brush your teeth, redress yourself and then dash back out into the hall. The turtles are still standing there, being as useless and boring as ever, but John is nowhere to be seen. You find him in the bedroom, hunched over his cot with a mirror in his hand.

“John?” You cross to your own cot immediately. “What are you doing? Have you seen my god tier outfit? Ooh, I dunno if I should wear that. What do you think? Are you wearing _that_? Don’t you think you should put on some more color? It is the first time you’ll be seeing Rose and everyone else in a long time after all. Dammit, John. Are you even listening to me?”

He raises his head and turns to look at you. His full beard is gone, replaced with a myriad of horribly bloody scrapes and scratches.

“Jade.” He says. “I think I’m a man.”

“HAHA!” You laugh in his face. “God-Dammit. You look like a burn victim. Come here.”

He discards his mirror and razor and joins you on the other side of the room.

“It hurts.”

“Well no shit. I thought you knew how to shave, John?”

You scoop a towel off the floor, make sure isn’t too dirty, and begin dabbing at his fucked up mug. He winces and grins sheepishly.

“My dad taught me how to shave. I can totally do it too.”

“Then what happened right now?”

“I’m out of practice.” He shrugs. “And I guess I’m… nervous.”

“That’s understandable. In a few hours you’re finally be able to declare your love for Rose.”

“Don’t start that.”

You laugh again and slap him on his cheek, causing his eyes to water.

“I’m just joshin you. I know you aren’t ready for another relationship.”

“She’s dating Kanaya too.” He takes the towel and tends to himself after you make him wince for a third time.  “And I don’t see why everyone always thought I had something for her. I mean, can’t a dude be friends with a chick without any stupid romantic tension?”

You start sorting through your collection of clothes, searching for the appropriate outfit.

“John. It was pretty obvious how you felt about Rose. Don’t start retroactively pretending that you don’t feel anything for her just to avoid being uncomfortable.”

“I’m not doing that. I’m just…” He sighs and from the other side of the room, you can hear him slamming drawers on his nightstand. “I’ve just had an epiphany.”

“While I was in the shower?”

“Yeah.”

“Well go on, what was it about?”

He straightens up from his drawers, holding a shirt and examining it in the artificial light. After a moment, he speaks.

“Romance is stupid. Movies make it out to be this wonderful thing, that’s it’s always the ultimate goal or something, when really it’s just a load of trouble.”

You have similarly located a long skirt and you sit on your cot, looking for any blemishes or tears and wait for him to continue.

“Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s nice, but really, what good can come from relationships? Either you date for a while, then break-up and both of you are sad, or you date forever and end up married and then have kids and then, what? You’re just happy forever? I don’t buy it.”

“I get how you’re feeling right now.” You set the skirt aside and begin looking for an accompanying shirt. “But you just came out of a pretty intense relationship. Everything might seem a little stupid now, in retrospect, but give yourself some time to heal. Don’t start making generalizations about everything.”

John is leaning against his wall, resting against the mural of obscenities, each worse than the one below and all derogatory to himself. How can anyone expect to be optimistic when you subconsciously hate yourself? What kind of leader is John without his optimism?

“I suppose your right.” His voice breaks your thoughts. “I guess I just wanna take a break from the whole thing, you know? I’m not going to worry about romance or girls or anything. When I see Rose, I’m going to give her a nice, _friendly_ hug and leave it at that.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” You smile, having found the perfect outfit. “In the meantime, Dave and I will be having sloppy  make-outs all over the place.”

John gags and makes his exit, change of clothes under his arm, leaving you to strip and redress in preparation for the reunion you’d only dreamt about until now. As you lace up the laces on your sneakers, you wonder how much Dave has changed and how much has stayed the same.

He definitely still wears those stupid shades, probably that obnoxiously red suit too. His raps might be worse, his hair might be long and shaggy, but that smirk will still be there, full of arrogance and self-confidence. His body will still be long and thin, all straight lines and sharp angles and a perfect fit next to yours. As you stand up, shrug on your coat, and grab your favorite rifle off the floor, you hope that he hasn’t forgotten about you.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means it’s time to reconnect with your loving friends and acquaintances.

At least, that’s the plan.

You leave Jade to change in privacy and take her place in the restroom with the intention of making yourself more presentable as well. The guy looking at you in the mirror is… different than the one you remember. The beard is gone, which is a large improvement, the hair is still long and messy, but there’s something else too.

You look older.

Not like, four-hundred and something days older. More like four-hundred and something _years_ older. Not for the first time, you worry what the lasting effects of toeing the line of death and resurrection will have on you.

Unbuttoning your shirt, you examine the neat scar right above your heart. You know that if you turn around and examine your back in the mirror that there will be an identical scar matching this one, exactly where Jack Noir stabbed you on the rooftop of the tallest spire.

Above that scar and six or so inches to the left is where Vriska got you with her dice. She’d murdered you on your quest bed so that you’d become the Heir of Breath. Damn, that seems like ages ago. Was everything really so… _simple_ then? You almost miss the days where you ran around LOWAS with Rose and Vriska, respectively of course. You don’t think putting either of those girls in the same room together would be a good idea. Call it your Egbertian intuition.

You discard your shirt on the floor, uncovering more scars. That one on your shoulder is from where Rose blasted you into unconsciousness in an attempt to prevent you from sacrificing yourself to detonate The Tumor. Those small ones peppering your stomach and upper legs are from the mines hidden outside of Jack Noir’s castle on LOLAR. _That_ was a sucky day.

It makes sense in a way. That all your scars would stay with you through everything. For instance, if you got a tattoo it probably wouldn’t disappear just because you died. Jade’s fingers didn’t magically grow back either, greatly hindering her ability to play chords and open jars of peanut butter.

You shrug on your new shirt and debate whether or not you should wear a tie. That’s probably pointless. You’re seeing your friends again for the first time in over a year, not meeting your significant other’s parents. Besides, you can’t tie a tie anyways and you aren’t going to ask Jade for help. She’d probably make some giggly comment about how helpless you are without her.

You don’t need that.

After adequately preparing yourself for what is surely going to be a tearful and heartfelt reunion, you leave the bathroom and locate Jade out in the hall.

“Come on.” She says, her face divided into a wild grin. “Let’s go wait up in the control room. I bet we’ll be able to see the meteor by now!”

“Okay.”

You can’t. All it takes is one look at the window to see that your destination is nowhere in sight. You stand by the wall, staring out through the glass and into space, half expecting for the meteor to just pop into sight at any moment, with Rose, Dave, Karkat and everyone else standing on its surface, waving and holding up signs that say ‘Welcome John and Jade! We totally missed you!’. However, you’re sorely disappointed when the meteor stays thoroughly hidden.

Jade checks the instruments set into the consol, fancy doo dads that you know nothing about, let alone how to operate or read. You’re lucky Jade’s so smart. If you were stuck here with anyone else, you’d probably have flown into a black hole by now.

Huh, maybe you are helpless without her?

“Hmmm.” She taps the display with a nail. “We’re on the right course. I guess we’ll just have to wait a while longer before we actually _see_ anything.”

“Are you sure this is for real?” You’re going to feel really silly if all this excitement is for nothing. “I mean, what if the machines are wrong and we aren’t even close to the meteor yet?”

“Trust me, I watched Equius calibrate these things myself. Rose’s call definitely originated from this location.” She plops herself down into the chair before the steering wheel and fixes her eyes on the inky black sea ahead. “All we need to do is wait. Don’t worry, John. This is for real. We’ve made it.”

You just nod and look ahead as well. Jade’s absolute certainty is not so much reassuring as it is disturbing. Right now error doesn’t seem to be an option for her. This has to been right, for her sanity’s sake. If this turns out to be a hoax, a false alarm, then there’s a good chance her impressive resolve could be shattered once and for all.

And Jade doesn’t need that.

The pair of you wait. Jade fidgets in her seat and chews on her nails as you shift your weight from foot to foot nervously. Everything is silent, neither of the turtles are running around and playing, no music resonates through the empty halls, even the golden airship itself seems to have quieted its engines to a gentle _hum_. It’s as if everything is waiting with bated breath for the make or break moment that will either catapult you back into that action, or leave you in the dark for another one hundred and a half years.

You’re about to say something, anything to break the oppressive stillness, when you see it.

“THERE!” Jade shrieks and jumps to her feet. “John, John! Do you see it? Can you see it, John?! Tell me that I’m not crazy!”

“I see it!” You rush away from the wall and bump into Jade’s shoulder.

Sure enough, through the window, in the distance, you can see a dark speck, almost invisible against the overwhelming blackness of space. You probably wouldn’t have been able to see it were it not for the slow blinking of a green light on the meteor’s surface, almost like a lighthouse calling out to boats lost at sea.

“Oh my god, this is it.” Jade grips the wheel tightly, steering you towards the light. “This is it, John. This. Is. It. I told you man, I fucking told you that this was it.”

“I know. I know.” You’re gaze is fixed on the almost hypnotic rhythm of the blinking light. Did your friends set that up as a signal to guide you? That certainly seems like a smart idea. “Oh geez, Jade. Can this ship go any faster?”

“Nope. I’m having to slow us down actually. We’ve been traveling at the same, constant velocity for over a year. That’s a lot of built up inertia. If we don’t slow down now, we could easily just crash to the surface and blow the meteor to bits.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh, indeed.” Jade turns the wheel gently, adjusting the course of the ship slightly. “I wouldn’t worry about that though. I have everything under control.”

“Hmm.” You hum in response and desperately search for a piece of wood that you can knock on.

Steadily, the meteor and it’s mysteriously light draws closer. You try not to hold your breath, as the large, dark grey, sphere fills the window and eclipses your view of space beyond.

“Clouds.” Jade eventually proclaims.

“What?”

“They’re clouds, John.” She twists the wheel and sure enough, you dip towards the meteor and disappear into a haze of dark grey clouds. “This will explain how they survived out here. Clouds mean that they have an atmosphere and clouds also might explain why Rose’s message was so garbled, you know? Interference?”

“Yeah, yeah.” You’re hardly listening to Jade’s ramblings. You’re watching the murky clouds brush along outside and the green light grow brighter and brighter, until it completely discolors the interior of the ship.

Then you and Jade pass through the cloud layer and the landscape below explodes into violent color. Everything is green. The ground far below is green, the rocky mountains are green, even that mansion nestled in a tiny grove is green.

Wait. Is that a fucking mansion?

“Don’t tell me they’ve been living in _that_ while we’ve been roughing out up here.” Jade says, pointing towards the large house.

“I dunno and frankly I don’t care.” You’re starting to get more excited than ever. This is actually happening. “Can you bring us down over there?”

Jade nods and before you know it, she’s taking the ship lower, towards a flat expanse of green that lies on the mansion grounds.

“Hold on. This thing doesn’t come with landing gear, remember?”

You brace yourself on the wall and the whole ship rattle dangerously when it finally touches down on solid ground. After four-hundred and twenty-one days, you’re about to set foot on solid ground again. It’s almost too much to handle.

Jade jumps up from her seat instantly.

“Okay, there isn’t time to waste, brother ‘o mine. It’s high time we got off this legendary piece of shit.” She grabs her rifle from where she left it against the wall and slings it over her shoulder, much like a normal girl would carry a purse.

“You’re taking your gun?” You ask quizzically.

“Hell yeah. Strange new place, unfamiliar things, two wear y interlopers. John, that’s an equation that only equals one thing: Bring a gun.”

“Well our friends are in there, right? Isn’t it rude to just barge in with a gun?”

“Do you remember Rose’s message, John? Remember how sketch it was?” Jade points out the front window and towards the mansion. “She asked for help and there’s no way I’m going in there with only my good intentions and a couple of lame turtles.”

“Ray and Egon aren’t lame.”

“Yes, John. Yes they are.”

“Whatever.” You cross your arms defiantly. You’re sick of her bagging on your reptile pals, especially since they saved your life back on LOLAR. “I guess I’ll get my hammer and then we’ll go.”

“Alright, meet me by the stairs in ten seconds!” Jade sprints out the door and down the hall, leaving you to shake your head and smile despite yourself.

Her excitement is infections, greatly taking your own to dizzying new heights. You have to force yourself to walk like a semi-civilized person from the control room and down the hall to your cot.

“Whaaaaaaat?” You look under your cot, where you normally stash your hammer, and see that it is missing. “The fuuuuck?”

You look next to your night stand, over under Jade’s cot, in the pile of clothes in the corner, but it’s nowhere to be found. You take a second to jog to the kitchen, and then the game room with similar results. The Great Hammer of Zillyhoo has been misplaced at the worst time imaginable.

“Jade?” You meet your ecto-sister by the stairs. “Have you seen my hammer? I can’t find it.”

“Did you look under your cot?”

“Yeah.”

“What about under mine?”

“Yup.”

“How about in that pile of clothes…”

“I looked everywhere!” You toss your hands vaguely. “What am I going to do? That was custom made.”

“I’m sure you’ll find it somewhere.” Jade glances towards the upper deck with the same look a feral dog would give a juicy steak.  “Come on, let’s get out there. I’m starting to get antsy.”

“Wait. What about all that stuff you said about interlopers and unfamiliar things? Couldn’t this be dangerous?”

“Yeah, but I got your back and I really don’t feel like going on a scavenger hunt for that stupid hammer.” Jade pounds her fist against a button set into the wall and the stairs emit a hydraulic _hiss_ before they begin to descend. “I’ll race ya!”

“No, don’t…”

But she’s already off, up the stairs, and onto the top deck. You give chase and freeze on the top step. That… _smell_ , the air is so clean and rich and a million other things you can’t even begin to describe. You didn’t think you’d ever describe air as _‘tasty’_ , but god-damn this air is tasty as hell.

“Jade…” You take a deep gulp. “Have you tasted this air?”

“Shut up. I don’t care about your windy shit, John. Come look at this mansion.”

You join her at the railing of the ship. Man, you can’t argue with her on this one. The mansion before you is easily a hundred times more impressive when there isn’t a pane of toughened glass between you and it. The magnificent home could easily have belonged to Nic Cage or someone equally rich and powerful on earth. If Rose and Dave have really been living here, then they really have been enjoying the high life.

You look around the surrounding landscape and try to imagine what it must have been like for Rose and Dave to fight Eridan and Nepeta respectively. Vriska had informed you about what had happened of course, about Nepeta’s exile and everything after. You know what you mean. All those things where Rose and Dave’s mom was killed along with Jade’s Grandpa.

Up until now, the prospect of meeting your friends had blown that tragedy clear from your mind. After Jade had found out about your nightly jaunts to visit Vriska, you’d sort of intended to tell her about her grandpa gently, going completely against what Dave-616 told you to do when you talked with him in the void. Most likely, after Jade learns the truth, she’ll probably be mad at you again for hiding that certain tid-bit of information.

And you promised her that you wouldn’t lie anymore. Haha.

“Stop standing around, John. Let’s go!” Her words pull you from your thoughts. You _are_ out here for a reason after all.

“Should we bring the turtles?”

“Fuck the turtles, John! Come on!”

“Alright, alright! I’m coming, Geez Louis.” You follow her over the railing and down to the ground below.

The surface of the meteor is soft under foot, sort of light tightly packed blades of grass, except _more_ solid, if that makes any sense. The closest thing you can compare it to is turf from a football field.

Jade is up ahead, jogging towards the front doors of the mansion. You hurry to catch up. If there’s a good chance of trouble, then you want to be by her side. She has a gun and a much better sense of hearing thanks to her more canine attributes.

You wonder what she sees instead of the green landscape. More grey? You’re about to ask her, but she’s already knocking on the door, three sharp raps that resonate across the grassy field to bounce off the mountains. You wince when she breaks the silence, something about this situation is giving you the urge to be stealthy, or at least attempt to be stealthy.

There are footsteps from the other side of the door. You watch Jade’s fingers tighten around her rifle and you position yourself behind her.

What are you going to say to Rose and Dave when you see them? It has to be something cool like:

“Honey, I’m home!” or “Heerrrrrreee’s Johnny!”

 Oh shit, the door is opening! You didn’t take the time to prepare a snippy one-liner! Rookie mistake, Egbert.

The door swings open and Jade gasps. Standing in the doorway is… Aradia? What? How did she exscape from the void?

“Uh…” You peek around Jade’s shoulder. “Here’s Johnny?”

Aradia looks different. She’s shorter and thinner too, wearing some fancy green duds, and with her hair tied back into a tight bun on the back of her head. She looks at you with narrowed eyes and speaks in a high-pitched voice:

“何が、嫌いな人をしたいですか？”

You and Jade exchange a glance.

“Er. I’m sorry.” Jade shakes her head. “I don’t understand.”

“別の汚い英語話者、でしょ？” Aradia crosses her arms and glares at you some more. “素晴らしい。ただ私は、別のクソ頭痛が必要なもの.”

Jade turns and grabs your arm, pulling you to the side.

“You hear that too, right?” She hisses in your ear. “She’s totally speaking Chinese right now.”

“Chinese isn’t a language, it’s a country.” You don’t want to sound like a nitpicky jerk. That’s just one of your pet peeves. “People in China speak Cantonese or Mandarin. Well, they _spoke_ Cantonese. They’re all dead now.”

“Yeah, whatever. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we don’t have a Chinese to English dictionary with us. What are we going to do?”

“Let me try.” You move away from Jade and stand in front of Aradia again. “Hellllooo.” You say slowly. “Do you remember me? I’m, Joooohn.”

“ゆっくりと言えばあなたは、ばかを日本語理解するのに役立つことはありません。私はあなたがうまく理解することができます。あなたは愚かな、問題だ。” Aradia responds.

“Welp.” You turn back to Jade. “I’m out of ideas.”

Suddenly, a voice speaks from within the mansion:

“Damara, why haven’t you invited our guests inside yet? It’s terribly rude of you to leave them outside for so long.” The voice is… male, you think. It has an odd sound quality that you cannot place accurately, almost like the speaker is talking from the bottom of a glass.

The troll, who you guess is named Damara instead of Aradia, glares at you again, this time with more vinegar than ever, and steps aside. You and Jade enter the mansion to find that the inside is just as green as the outside, albeit fashionably decorated with the type of coziness that implies it is well manicured.

In the main hall there are many clocks of all shapes and sizes, lining the wall all the way up towards the main staircase, where… _someone_ is standing. A _someone_ like nothing you’ve ever seen before. He is short, probably only coming up to your chest in height, and dressed in a green silk robe and slippers. The most notable characteristic of this stranger, however, would have to be the absence of a normal head or face. Instead, there is a gleaming, white orb sitting atop his shoulders like some massive cue-ball.

“Well hello there,” The stranger says, descending the steps gracefully. “It’s wonderful to meet you finally. I hope that you will excuse Damara. She’s a little unfamiliar with the customs associated with welcoming guests into our home. I’ll be sure to remedy that as soon as possible.”

Damara gives the stranger a quick double middle finger before disappearing through a side door. You and Jade are too confused to react much, other than to stand there awkwardly and watch the stranger draw nearer.

“Miss Harley.” He bows deeply and extends his hand towards Jade. She glances at you briefly before taking it slowly. The stranger brings her fingers to his glossy head and presses them to where his mouth should be. “A pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

Jade retracts her hand quickly and tries to subtly wipe them on her skirt. The stranger turns to you next.

“And Mister Egbert. I’ve certainly been looking forward to meeting you as well.” He extends his hand once more, but you’re a little hesitant to take it. What if he tries to kiss you too? You simply stand there and stare at him. Eventually he continues. “I pray that you beg my pardon, but I believe it is customary for a guest to greet their host with a handshake.”

You swallow hard.

“Sorry.” You take his hand. His grip is firm and after two swift pumps, he releases you.

“Wonderful.” He sighs contentedly. “How wonderful, indeed. Come, there is much to discuss.”

He abruptly turns on his heel and starts at a leisurely pace towards the stairs once more.

“Wa- Wait!” Jade calls. The stranger freezes on the first step and turns to look back. “Who are you? What is this place? Where are our friends?!”

The stranger laughs then. It’s robotic and you suppose he does it more out of reflex than anything resembling actual mirth. He turns to face Jade fully, folds his hands behind his back, and answers one of her questions.

“It appears that there is much I have to learn about manners myself. In all this excitement my regal upbringing has slipped my mind. Please, forgive me.” He puts a hand to his chest. “As I have mentioned previously, I am your host. Now, if you’ll follow me. I believe the answers to your other questions lie in the parlor.”

You and Jade watch as your host ascends the steps and turns down a side hall and out of sight. After exchanging another confused, loaded glance, you and Jade nod and follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning of Act 5! Whoooooooooooooo!
> 
> Finally, there's a building in this story that isn't a temple or a castle. I hope you guys are excited about that.
> 
> Started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender under recommendation of [A Dreaming Songbird](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5718994/A-Dreaming-Songbird), my pal :3 I'm on episode eight and so far it's pretty good, although I can't help but wonder when Aang and Katara are going to start making out. I can totally see that coming. Also, Mo-Mo (or however you spell it) is easily my least favorite character. I just don't like little, comic-relief, animal characters normally :/ That's just me being a nitpicky jerk though. Maybe he'll get better? I can already tell that he's integral to the plot.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	41. ACT 5 - PART 2

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’ve just met your strangest companion yet and that’s saying something, considering the company you’ve kept in the past.

You and your ecto-sister, Jade, cross the main foyer of the mansion and ascend the steps, giving chase to your mysterious host. A million and one questions bounce around in your head, some of them relevant: Where are our friends? What is this place? And some of them, frankly, just stupid: How do you eat? Can you see how many fingers I’m holding up?

The host leads you a few yards down the hall before turning sharply into an open door. Jade slips in quickly after him and you try to follow, but suddenly find your path blocked by something very large and very intimidating.

 Swallowing hard, you look up into a dark face of pure neutrality. It’s a man, about two feet taller than you and three times as wide. His mouth is a thin line, only matched with in sharpness by the glinting black beads that are his eyes.

“Uhh…” You proclaim, inwardly hoping that you don’t have to fight this guy.

“Mr. Boxcars, please step aside so that our guest may join us.” Your host commands from beyond the enormous form currently obscuring your view.

The man named ‘Boxcars’ only grunts and steps off to the side, allowing you to slip past him. The room is large and comfortable, with soft looking armchairs arranged in front of a roaring fire, surrounded by walls composed entirely of overflowing book cases.

“Fetch us a plate of biscuits, would you, Mr. Boxcars?” Your host is already seated in the largest armchair of all. “And have a seat, Children. Like I’ve said before, there is much to discuss.”

You’re about as much of a child as Dave is a good rapper. That is to say, not very much at all. Instead of correcting the stranger though, you join Jade on a love seat positioned directly across from your host. After Boxcars squeezes himself out the door, the host speaks once more.

“Ignore the bumbling brute,” He says, bobbing his head towards the door. “He’s still in an adjustment phase, having just recently entered my employ along with his fellow associates. Yes, The Midnight Crew, one of the most infamous gangs this side of The Medium. Exiles, you see, from the great SGRUB session experienced by your troll companions.”

The stranger leans back comfortably in his chair, kicks his feet up onto a small cushion, and continues to speak.

“Other than being rather violent at times, the Midnight Crew does possess the capacity for hospitality. You just have to know which buttons to push.” He taps a slim finger to the side of his globular head. “They are the sworn enemies of The Felt, another gaggle of gangsters, who’s dealings I’ve dealt with in the past. After a recent spat between the two groups, it became apparent that some old fashion manners needed to be disposed. Hence, the crew joined the ranks of my staff.”

As he finishes, Boxcars reenters with a platter in his hands. The large dish is dwarfed by his girth, only adding to the ridiculous nature of this entire encounter. After dropping the plate with a loud _rattle_ onto the glass coffee table, Boxcars simply stands there and looks at both you and Jade.

“Wonderful, Mr. Boxcars. You may leave us.”

With another grunt, the large man turns and leaves.

The stranger leans forward in his chair.

“I wouldn’t eat those if I were you. I’m afraid Damara may have added a special ingredient when Mr. Boxcars paused in the kitchen to tie his shoelace. That little minx, I’ll have to have a stern chat with her after our meeting has concluded.”

You have no idea where to begin. It’s a good thing Jade is here.

“Okay, can you please stop talking nonsense for a minute?” She says, a little anxiously. “Tell us who you are? Where are Dave and Rose and everyone else that is supposed to be here? What is going on?”

“Ah, Miss Harley.” Your host seems pleased. He rests his elbows on the armrests of his impressive chair and steeples his fingers above where his lips should be. “The young lass, intent on gettting straight to the point. Do you remember when it was the journey that interested you the most? It wasn’t ever about the destination so much as it was about the adventure along the way. Oh, how time changes even the most powerful of souls.”

You feel Jade tense next to you.

“Who. Are. You.” She repeats through gritted teeth.

You host gives an exasperated sigh and rubs his smooth head with a palm, doing a good impression of a mother about to scold a petulant child.

“As I’ve stated before, I am your host. Although if you feel the desire to refer to me as otherwise, the name Doc Scratch suits me just fine.”

“Alright, _Doc Scratch_. Where are our friends?”

“Ta, ta, ta, Miss Harley.” Doc Scratch wags a finger towards Jade. “I’ve answered one of yours. It’s only fair that you answer one of mine.”

Jade turns to you and you give a helpful little shrug.

“What do you want to know?” She demands, facing Doc Scratch.

“Are you tired?”

“What?”

“Are you feeling sleepy, Miss Harley.”

“Uh…”

“It’s a simple question.” He gestures around the room. “This mansion belongs to me and as you are my guests, it’s only kind of me to offer you quarter.”

“I’m not tired!” Jade shrieks, jumping to her feet. “I wanna talk to my friends, you bald fuck!”

Doc Scratch steeples his fingers once more.

“I would suggest you sit down, Miss Harley. My employees might not react well when they see that you are threatening me.”

“What are you…” Jade begins, but stops when the door bursts open.

Boxcars is back, along with three other dark men who could have easily been his brothers, although you suppose that they must be the rest of the Midnight Crew. They all wield guns, with the exception of the thin one’s leading the pack, whose fingers clutch a gleaming switch blade.

“No need for interference, Gentlemen.” Doc Scratch calmly raises a hand to his associates. “Miss Harley was simply expressing her opinion quite roguishly. I’m sure it won’t happen again, will it?”

Jade shakes with barely suppressed anger, looking from the threatening Midnight Crew, to Doc Scratch, and then to her rifle, which rests on the loveseat next to your knee. You try to shake your head as little as possible, silently trying to warn her not to do anything stupid. As well-versed in a firefight Jade may be, she’s not much against four seasoned gangsters, especially when she’ll have to look after your sorry ass.

Eventually, Jade either notices your wide eyes and wobbly head or comes to her own conclusions and takes her seat. With a wave of his hand, Doc Scratch dismisses the Midnight Crew once more.

“Have we learned our lesson?” Doc Scratch condescends. “Keep your temper in check, hold a civilized conversation, and then things will begin to go your way. Otherwise, punishments will be dealt. I am your host, and I will behave as such. My only wish is that you _act_ as guests should, with honest manners.”

You can feel irritated heat roll of Jade in waves. You’re starting to get frustrated too. All this guy has done is make confusing remarks about gangsters, exiles, and biscuits. You’re about to pop the cork on your metaphorical champagne bottle of questions when he suddenly claps his hands in excitement.

“Oh! I almost forgot. How silly of me. I have some rather urgent and important matters to attend to in my office.” He climbs out the chair and bows to you and Jade. “Do make yourselves at home. We will continue this conversation after my swift return.”

And with that, Doc Scratch trots out of the room and shuts the door behind him. You’re almost certain that you hear the barely audible _click_ of a lock being sealed.

“So that guy is crazy, right?” You turn to Jade. “He lives in a fancy house with a troll that looks like Aradia and four gangsters that he’s made his slaves, he knows everything about you, and don’t even get me started on that head of his.”

“I think it’s just a helmet.” Jade jumps to her feet. “But it doesn’t matter. We need to find our friends, John.”

“You still think they’re here?”

“Of course I do! Rose probably called for help just before she was kidnapped by this Doc Scratch lunatic. He’s probably holding all of our friends in some dungeon in the basement.”

“Wonderful. The first building we find that isn’t a stupid temple or a castle also has a dungeon in the basement. Can’t this game make anything _nice_?”

“You know the answer to that already.” Jade crosses to the door and tries the knob. “He’s locked us in.”

“Can you pick the lock?”

“I dunno.” She takes a step back and kicks forward, slamming her heel into the wood. The frame splinters and the door swings open. “Maybe.”

You follow Jade out into the hall.

“I bet you anything the Midnight Crew heard that.” You glance down the corridor. It’s lined with numerous other doors and clocks. “We gotta move.”

“Lead the way, leader.” Jade cocks her rifle and presses it up against her shoulder. “I’ve been itching to do something like this for a long time.”

“Something like _this_?” You echo as you jog down the hall. “Jade this is easily the most confusing situation we’ve faced so far. How could you have any idea we’d be doing something like _this_ today.”

“It just feels good to get some action. Don’t tell me you aren’t excited by this.”

“You’re a disturbing person.” The hall stretches on for what seems like miles. The mansion sure didn’t seem this big from the outside. Eventually you round a corner and find yourself faced with another door. This one is different than the rest, simply because there is a high-tech looking lock fitted over the knob.

“Ooooh. I wonder what could be in here?” Jade examines a keypad, while you keep watch.

You haven’t heard any footsteps or shouts yet. Maybe you’ll get lucky and rescue your friends before your host and his band of gangsters even notices you’ve left the parlor.

“Are you going to kick this one off its hinges too?” You ask.

“Nope this door has a metal frame, see?” She taps her knuckle against the oddly placed steel. “Whatever’s behind here must be very important.”

“Or super dangerous.”

“Gosh, John. When did you become such a worry wart?” Jade pulls bobby pin from her temple and begins fiddling with the lock.

“I’m just trying to be cautious. One of us has to be.” You watch her work. “That doesn’t actually work, does it?”

With a small pop, Jade removes the face from the front of the keypad, exposing a mess of wires.

“Not in the way you think. I’ve taken apart much more complex crap than this. My third favorite book was The Existential Pleasures of Engineering , after all.”

“Hmm.” You’ve just noticed an odd light, sparkling from the crack underneath a nearby door.

“John? John, where are you going?” Jade hisses at you as you cross the hall and try the door.

It’s unlocked and you push it open to reveal a large room, filled to the brim with hundreds upon hundreds of random stuff. There are old couches, televisions, a dusty treadmill, thousands of books, dozens of paintings, a wand inside of a glass case labeled _‘do not touch’_ , and a veritable treasure trove of other things that you can’t even begin to describe.

Jade appears at your shoulder.

“Oh my god.” She gasps.

“What is it?” You watch her dash to a nearby pile of junk.

“John…” She kneels down and pulls a bass guitar out from underneath a fancy looking candelabrum. “John this is _all_ of my stuff.”

“What?”

“This is all the stuff that was taken from my house on LOFAF!” Jade turns on the spot, looking at the teetering towers of objects. “How did it get here? How did _he_ get all this stuff? Oh man, I’m totally going to kick his little, ball-headed ass.”

You examine the trinkets, there’s a lot of junk that you don’t recognize, but there’s a lot that’s familiar too, like _really_ familiar. Apparently Jade’s house wasn’t the only one that was raided. You spot the source of the twinkling light to be a laptop resting a top a fancy set of turntables. It’s currently displaying a screen full of static, so nothing useful there. There’s a pile of knitted scarves and sweaters, each wonderfully crafted with a mix of purple and black yarn. And finally, you notice a rather alarming amount of cans of shaving cream, your father’s of course.

Doc Scratch has stolen from _all_ of your houses.

“We’ll deal with him soon.” You say. “But I think we should find the others first.”

You turn towards the hall again just in time to hear footsteps coming down the hall. With a wave of your hand, a gentle breeze quickly shuts the door with a muted _click_.

Jade joins your side and together the two of you press your respective ears to the door and listen.

“… Lock’s busted.” A gravelly voice growls. “I don’t think they got in though. Shit’s still sealed up tighter than a Fort Knox wrapped in duct tape.”

“What’s Fort Knox?” Asks a deep voice.

“What’s duct tape?” Adds a higher pitched one.

“Uh… I dunno. I guess I read that in a book somewhere.” The first voice is thoughtful.

“I didn’t know you read, Slick.” This fourth voice sends shivers down your spin that tingles all the hairs on your body with the unmistakable quiver of fear.

“There’s a whole lot of stuff you don’t know about me, Droog.” Slick replies.  “I’m like a Rubix cube of hidden knowledge and emotions.”

“What’s a Rubix…”

“I dunno, Clubs, and frankly it isn’t important. Boss wants us to find the brats and bring them to him _unharmed_. I’m looking at you, Droog.” The Midnight Crew member named Droog doesn’t respond, but if you had to guess, he probably just rolled his eyes. Slick continues. “So forget all these references I’m making, out of context they really don’t make any sense at all.”

“Doesn’t it seem off that the Boss let the kids escape?” The deep voice, which by now you’ve guessed belongs to the grunting Boxcars, offers. “He just left them alone in there. What did he expect them to do? Just sit around and wait?”

“I dunno, but if you ask me, the Boss is trying to put us to the test, see if we’re as up to snuff as we say we are. That whole debacle with the Felt was a fluke, I tell ya. Doc Scratch was kind enough to take us in and give us a second chance, let’s not let ‘em down, alright?”

“He took us in?” The high pitched voice, Clubs, asks. “I thought we were his prisoners.”

“Does this look like a prison to you? We’ve got food, shelter, jobs to do. Doc Scratch is giving us a second  chance here, Clubs. Don’t be selfish.”

“Do you think the alien girl might be helping the kids?” Droog’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard to your ear drums. This guy is bad news bears, no doubt about it. “She likes the Boss about as much as oil likes water.”

“That dame’s big talk, but she ain’t got the lady balls to go against the Boss. Besides, he’d know if she were acting up.” The voices grow fainter s Slick leads his crew away. “I swear, sometimes I think he can see right into my head…”

You wait until the sounds of the Midnight Crew fade away before making your move.

“Alright, I have an idea.” You straighten up. “Finish getting through that door and then get back to the ship. Keep it safe. If those gangsters mess it up, we’re going to be stuck here. I’ll find out what Doc Scratch is hiding.

“I don’t think we should split up, John. Screw the ship. I’m not leaving you here alone.”

“Jade, we left The Scratch on board. If anything happens to that _we’ll_ be the ones who are screwed and don’t forget about Ray and Egon.” You turn and nod towards the mountain of miscellaneous stuff. “Is there anything here that we can use?”

“I don’t know. That wand looks pretty important.” Jade indicates the glass case.

“That probably belongs to Rose’s Mom. I doubt it does anything worthwhile.”

“Why would it be locked in a case if it wasn’t important?”

“Well for one thing,” You squint at the small plaque on the front of the case. “It’s a replica of Hermione Granger’s wand, so it’s a movie prop.”

“Psshh. What is it with Lalonde’s and wizards?”

“What is it with _you_ and furries?”

“I’m not a furry, John.” One of her ears gives an annoyed flick. “I just happen to have a passion for animals and cosplay.”

You grab one of the cans of shaving cream and shove it into your coat pocket. This will be useful in the future, preventing your face from appearing as if you’d taken a cheese grater to it. Even in death, your Dad has got your back.

An uncomfortable squirm rolls your stomach. You left your Dad’s corpse to rot back in LOWAS on the top of Jack Noir’s castle. That’s no way to treat anyone, let alone your own flesh and blood. You resolve to honor him properly, somehow.

“Okay, keeping The Scratch safe seems important, I’ll give you that.” Jade is on the other side of the room, shoving things into a backpack that she’d picked up. Her bass is slung over her shoulder next to her rifle. “But I’m only going back to the ship to get it, and then I’m coming back in to help you, understood?”

“Understood.” You lead the way to the door and open it a crack. The sliver of hallway that you can see is clear, so you step out and quickly return to the heavily locked door. Jade returns to the tangle of wires and after a second of fiddling, rips one out. The door beeps and then swings open, revealing a set of stone steps leading down. “Sweet work, Jade. After you get The Scratch, meet me back here, okay?”

“Got it.” She shoulders her rifle again. “Keep safe.”

“You too.” As Jade sprints down the hallway, back towards the main stairs, you set your sights on the darkness below.

Why can’t scary places ever be well lit? Like seriously, if you ever have a house with a basement, that place is going to be lit up like nobody’s business. You’re talking floodlights and all kinds of things.

In sharp contrast to the horribly green-shaded world above, the basement is a cool grey. Your footsteps sound like hammer falls on the stairs, so you move quickly. The faster you find out what’s down here and meet up with Jade, the better.

What are you hoping to find?

That’s a good question. It would be nice to see your friends again, although finding them here would mean that they’ve been held prisoner for the past four-hundred or so days. You’d rather they were still hundreds upon thousands of miles away than locked away in a mad-man’s twisted dungeon.

But then again, why would Doc Scratch put such a high tech lock on this door if something important wasn’t held within? Why would the Midnight Crew instantly rush here as soon as they noticed you were missing? The tension builds as you reach the floor below and find your path blocked by another door, this one gloriously unlocked, much to your luck.

As you push it open, the stairwell is instantly flooded with a dull blue light. A large computer screen glares at you from the opposite side of the room, resting on a wooden desk with only an antique type writer and one of those stress balls for company. You shut the door and cross the room, set on investigating the strange objects.

The type writer is connected to the screen with a cord. The monitor is currently displaying a dialogue box, asking for an eight letter password. Tentatively, you use the type writer to enter the first word that comes to your mind: _‘password’_. The computer _beeps_ once and then a multi-colored pinwheel begins to spin in the center of the screen.

“Of course.” You mutter. “ _Mac_. The most evil of all operating systems.”

Betty Crocker probably used a Mac too. At least, until the earth blew up.

With another _beep_ , the computer unlocks and you are faced with a desktop full of named folders and links.

This is too easy, you realize. Doc Scratch doesn’t seem like the type of guy to have a password that is actually _‘password’_. An uncomfortable twinge twists your gut at the notion that you could be playing exactly into his hands. There’s no turning back now though, you have to investigate.

You lean over the desk, examining the different folders on screen. One labeled: _‘Earthbound’_ catches your eye and you open it. It’s full of text files, each of them also labeled with an interesting name.

_Crocker. Egbert. English. Harley. Lalonde A. Lalonde B. Strider A. Strider B._ Just to name a few.

You click on Egbert and sure enough, it’s all about you. There’s an inventory of things taken from your house, a numbered list of names starting with Rose and ending with Jack Noir, another list, this time detailing everything you’ve done upon entering the game, and finally one more section displaying your current location, simply reading: _‘Here’_.

You exit and open up _Strider A_.

_Dirk Strider_ , it reads. Huh, so that’s Bro’s first name.

The file is similar to your own although the list of names is in different order, this one starting with Dave, yet still ending with Jack Noir. The location is different as well, currently displaying: _‘LOWAS w/ Felt’_.

LOWAS? Felt?

You wrack your brains, trying to remember what you had heard about The Felt so recently. They are gangsters, right? Gangsters who had fought The Midnight Crew and won? If Bro is with them, then he’s in danger.

Dave won’t be happy about this if you ever see him. Speaking of which…

You open up _Strider B_.

More lists, although in a new format. The names, instead of being in a single column, are arranged in an odd, upside-down pyramid shape. The top row is the longest, listing names like Jade, John, Rose, Karkat, Terezi, and Bro and on and on and on, each row with less and less names until the very last one which is simply: Jack Noir.

This makes no sense to you, but honestly you could care less about what weird stuff Doc Scratch was doing here. You’re more interested in where he claims Dave to be.

_‘Meteor-413, Furthest Ring, Cherub Temple w/ Players’._

The Furthest Ring. The realm of the Horrorterrors. Now it makes sense how Eridan was able to find them. Jade sent your friends right to that crazy, possessed, metro-sexual troll. 

You open Rose’s file next.

Same thing as yours, although the list of names isn’t really much of a list at all. Everything is all jumbled together in some big mess, revolving in a lose spiral around Jack Noir’s name. You’re more confused than ever, although you have enough sense to notice that her location is exactly the same as Dave’s.

You’re about to close down everything when you see a small window in the corner of Rose’s file. It’s an audio clip. You play it.

"Hey, John. It's, Rose. I don't know when you'll receive this message, or if you ever will. I've tried reaching you before of course, we all have, but you and Jade never seem to be able to come to the phone. Haha. Right now, I'm not expecting a different result. I just really need to talk to you."

Your fingers find the stress ball and you squeeze it as hard as you can.

"I- I don't know how to tell you this, but I think we're done here. I think we've hit the wall, struck rock bottom, fallen from grace, whatever you like. I don't know if there's anything left to do besides sit here and wait. For what, you ask? I don't know… Help? Rescue? For it all to just… end? I just don't know what to do anymore. It's only been… minutes and it feels as if so much time has passed. I miss you John. I miss you and Jade so much. I feel- I feel like there's a hole. My mother is dead. Jade's Grandpa is dead. You're probably dead too and… I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. If you're not dead, John, if you're actually alive: please come here as soon as possible. We need you now more than ever."

The door behind you opens and closes softly, but you don’t turn around.

"John, just… Please."

You close your eyes tightly and press your forehead against the computer screen, which buzzes angrily in response. You’re friends aren’t here. They were never here.

“Amazing, isn’t it?” Doc Scratch chuckles light-heartedly. “Amazing what you can do with a simple audio editing software.”

You turn to face him, still clutching the stress ball tightly. The nik-nak isn’t doing much of a good job at the moment.

“Who are you?” You demand. “Why did you bring us here? What do you want?”

“Questions, questions, questions.” He is no longer dressed in the silk robe, but an impressive suit and waistcoat. Green of course. “Remember when you didn’t question anything, Mr. Egbert? When you went along blindly with whatever happened simply because you believed that someone smarter than you knew what they were doing? Remember when you _trusted_ people?”

“Stop with this.” You take a step towards him. “Stop with whatever _this_ is. You tricked me and Jade into coming here. You owe me answers!”

Doc Scratch sighs heavily and rubs at his spherical head.

“Fine. Let us forget for a moment that the art of deduction is even a thing. Let us _spell things out_ for one another, alright?” He folds his hands calmly behind his back. “Who am I? I am a host, sent here by my master to collect information.”

“What sort of information?”

“Information about you, Mr. Egbert, and Miss Harley and everyone else who could stand a threat against my master.”

“Who is your master?”

“Ta, ta, ta.” Doc Scratch waggles his finger at you once more. “I’m still working on your prior questions. Be patient, please.” He begins to pace. “I believed you asked why I brought you here. The answer to taht is that you have something I want.”

“What do you want?”

He stops pacing and looks directly at you, tilting his head to the side.

“Take a wild guess, Mr. Egbert. Thrust your skills of reasoning out into the blackness and see if you can hit your mark.”

You feel something rumbling in your gut. This time it isn’t fear or confusion or love. This time, you’re angry.

And you _hate_ being angry.

“You want The Scratch,” You seethe. “Don’t you, _Doc_?”

Doc Scratch claps excitedly.

“Wonderful! Simply wonderful!” He cheers. “I applaud your remarkable brain processing speed. It truly is a gift to marvel at.”

“You can’t have The Scratch.” You can’t tell whether he’s being sarcastic or not, so you just press forward. “We need it to reboot the game.”

“Rebooting the game doesn’t matter. My master will destroy you all. Your plight is hopeless, Mr. Egbert.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know everything.” Doc Scratch is the one to step forward now. “I’ve watched you from the beginning. My associates took everything from your homes so that I could study, so that I could learn everything about you. Who do you think left the golden airship on LOFAF all those days ago so that Miss Harley and Mr. Strider could find it?” He draws closer still. “I knew you would come here and that we would meet today, John. I have known for a very long time, fore it was _I_ who made it that way.”

“You’re a lunatic.”

“No.” He halts a foot away from you. “I’m your host.”

He snaps his fingers and the door opens once more to reveal Boxcars and another member of The Midnight crew, tall and thin with sharp eyes and a revolver leveled at your chest.

“Mr. Boxcars, Mr. Droog.” Doc Scratch says calmly. “Please tend to Mr. Egbert, and then join us on the airship when you are finished. I believe it’s time we left this dreadful asteroid, don’t you?”

The gangsters nod and step out of the doorway to allow Doc Scratch to pass. Before he leaves, your host turns and looks back at you one last time.

“I’ll be sure to tell your companions of how brave you were, Mr. Egbert. Believe me when I say you will be remembered well.” He mimes tipping an invisible hat in your direction. “I’ll be sure to take care of Miss Harley for you.”

And with that, the door shuts, leaving you alone with Boxcars and Droog.

“Alright, kid.” Droog has his gun pointed at your chest. “Try not to scream too much. I wanna enjoy this.”

You propel yourself to the right, away from the gun’s barrel and towards the wall. If you can get around them and get to the door, you can catch up with Doc Scratch, you can help Jade, you can get back to the ship and go see your friends…

A loud _bang_ threatens to blow out your eardrums, but the pain suffered in your head is nothing to the explosion of fire in your shoulder.

With a strangled yell, you fall to the ground and slide to a stop against the wall. Boxcars approaches, a second revolver clutched in his comically large hand.

“You’re fast, kid. I’ll give you that.” He pockets his revolver and cracks his knuckles. “But you’re going to need more than some windy tricks to get away from us.”

You groan and try to push yourself up, but your shoulder complains painfully. You’ve been shot. You can’t believe that he shot you. This is it.

You wonder if Vriska will talk to you when you show up? If this is truly the last death for you, will she let you live with her? If not, Dave-616 will probably take you in. Hell, all the Dave’s would probably be happy to see you. You know you would like to see them.

You try to focus on that when Droog’s boot cracks one of your ribs, then another and another. His heel comes down on your ear and you slump to the ground again.

What did Vriska tell you about fist fights? In all those days of training, you have to had learned something, right?

_“Always get the first move, Pupa.”_ Her cold, robotic hand gripped your shoulder tightly. _“If you’re slow on the draw, there’s a good chance you won’t have time to counter.”_

Droog kicks you two more times before Boxcars intervenes:

“Move.” He says. “Let me get my licks in.”

_“You want to aim for the weak spots.”_ Vriska said, her hand trailing down your stomach, further south. _“Weak spot one: The eyes. Weak spot two…”_ Her fingers elicit a small gasp from you. _“You get the idea?”_

If you have to fight someone, you’d prefer not to grab their junk. But then again, desperate times call for desperate measures…

Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you look at it, you black out before you can even lift a finger. As the tender arms of sleep pull you under, the last thing you hear is her voice.

_“John, just… please.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I'll write a fight where John doesn't get his ass kicked.
> 
> Maybe.
> 
> With the gigaupdate quickly approaching :D I feel like now is the time to tell you that I've already planned out an ending for this story well in advance. I seriously doubt that my ending will resemble anything like the finale Hussie will draw up for us ravenous fans, but if it does, then hey cool beans man :) In short: my story will not change from it's original course when Hussie updates.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	42. ACT 5 - PART 3

=> Be Jade Harley

You are Jade Harley. Can you believe it?

The first place you find that seems actually livable and it’s full of psychos with guns and cue balls for heads. Not to mention your friends are nowhere to be seen, completely negating the whole reason you landed on this stupid, green meteor in the first place.

Le sigh. Once again you’ve been tossed into a dangerous situation, simply because someone was misinformed. Oi vey!

You dash down the hallway and towards the main stairs. Luckily for you, the central foyer is completely deserted and the path towards the front door lies unguarded.

“Heh.” You smirk, racing down the steps two at a time. “Stupid idiots.”

You’re about four feet away from the door when you hear it, footsteps on the hard tiles. You whip around, bringing your rifle up once more and setting your sights upon… the troll girl named Damara.

For a moment, the two of you simply stare at one another. You’re eyes are wide with apprehension, while her’s are half-lidded with apparent boredom. Is this girl a threat? Are you going to have to blow her brains out? Is she going to scream for help?

You hold your breath and keep your rifle aimed right between her dark, red eyes. After a moment of intense awkwardness, Damara simply gives you the finger and turns on her heel, disappearing through another door and presumably into the kitchen.

Without wasting any more time, you turn and burst through the front doors. If she’s going to get the Midnight Crew, then that just means you’re under more of a time-crunch than ever, but that’s nothing too much to worry about. More than anything, you’re just happy you didn’t have to drop her right then and there.

Words come to mind, a muffled conversation through a wooden door:

_“She likes the boss about as much as oil likes water.”_

Huh, maybe you’ll try to recruit her on the way back in? Right now though, you’ve got a Scratch to keep safe.

With the speed of a youthful lass, you take a running leap and scramble up and over the side of the golden airship. The craft exactly where you left it, thank the lord above, and wonderfully left unwatched as well. A small part of you wonders if this is too easy. Like, maybe Doc Scratch is playing you like a yo-yo right now.

It’s an uncomfortable idea, but there’s no time to fret about it now. You have to keep moving. Down the stairs, below deck, towards your bedroom you dash, taking turns as fast as you can and sprinting so quickly that your eyes begin to water. John was smart to send you after The Scratch, but he was dumb to leave himself alone, unprotected. You have to get back to him.

When you skid to a halt just inside of the bedroom, you find an odd sight waiting for you. After settling into the golden airship and preparing for a three year journey, you and John had decided to lock away the shrunken Scratch in a lock box. The safe is currently resting against the far wall on the other side of the room. Both Ray and Egon, the stupid turtles, are taking turns to whack it with John’s Hammer.

“What the hell are you two doing?!” You demand, stomping towards them. “Where did you get John’s Hammer? Why are you beating up the safe?”

“Blip Blip!” Egon cries. “Blip!”

“Shut up.” You pull the Hammer of Zillyhoo out of his grasp and shove him out of the way. “Gosh, what is wrong with you guys?”

The safe is dented up pretty good, but still intact. Leave it to John’s lame, pink consorts to start vandalizing the place at the most inopportune of moments. You’re spinning the dial, unlocking the safe with the combination, when you hear another disturbance: footsteps on the deck above, multiple footsteps.

You’re not naïve enough to hope that John has decided to join you. The Midnight Crew must finally be getting wise to the game you’ve been playing. If you’re not careful, you might have to fight your way out of the ship and back into the mansion. Until things really hit the fan though, you decide that trying to sneak your way back is probably the best plan.

“BLIP! BLIP! BLIP! BLIP!”

“Shhhhh.” You hiss angrily. “Be quiet, Ray. What are you doing?”

“BLIP! BLIP!”

They’re both screaming at the top of their lungs now, as if howling in pain or… or calling for help.

You look between the turtles, the safe, John’s Hammer, and then up, to where the footsteps and voices are growing louder.

You’ve been betrayed.

Cursing under your breath, you finish entering the combination and throw the door to the safe open. Instantly, a stubby pink hand surges past your ear and grabs onto The Scratch, which was simply resting on a shelf within.

“Egon!” You whirl and watch as the turtle dashes for the door. “Stop!”

Taking a daring leap forward, you manage to wrap your long arms around the fleeing reptile’s neck. You drag Egon to the ground and wrestle the CD out of his child-like hands. Suddenly, a weight lands on your back. It’s Ray and is clinging to your shirt, trying to keep you on the ground.

The footsteps are growing closer. You can hear voices in the hall.

“It came from over here!”

“Was that the signal?”

“What else could it have been?”

The turtles are going ballistic, grabbing at your clothes and hair, trying to pull The Scratch out of your hand, and shrieking at the top of their little, pink lungs.

“BLIP! BLIP!”

With a furious snarl, you kick Egon as hard as you can, sending him skidding on his back across the room like a hockey puck. Ray is wrapped around your braid and biting at your ears with his little, toothless mouth. You peel him off of you and toss him away in no particular direction.

You’re free now, but in a second this room is about to be full of murderous gangsters. You have a decision to make: stand and fight, or hide in the closet.

**JADE: GET THE G.D. HELL OUT OF DODGE.**

Turning on the spot, your eyes full upon the small closet in the corner. Praying that there isn’t anything breakable inside, you form a box with your fingers and set your sights upon the small sliver of darkness, barely seen through the ajar door. With a flash of green, you teleport into the enclosed space and quickly shut the door. Not a second too soon either, at the moment, you can hear the Midnight Crew as they enter the bedroom.

“Wow, get a look at this, Clubs.” One of the gangsters whistles. “Looks like we just missed ourselves a little scuffle.”

“A safe!” Exclaims a high-pitched voice. “Damn, looks like it’s already been busted. Did Hearts do this?”

“Boxcars? No way. He’s still in the house roughing up the boy. The girl musta came back for goods. We better search the ship.”

“Blip!” A turtle squeaks. “Blip! Blip!”

“Hey there, little fella.” You hear the sound of furniture being shifted. “How’d you get back there? Did that mean ‘ol dame put the hurtin’ on you? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Listen good, Clubs. You can’t trust a dame. They’ll break yer heart.”

You hear the turtle, whichever which one it is, ‘ _blip’_ a few more times and you try to control your breathing. Will your travel companions rat you out? Surely they saw you teleport into the closet. They wouldn’t give you away, would they? You’ve spent the past year and a half living with them for goodness’s sake. That has to count for something.

“What’s that, little guy?” You can practically hear Slick’s snide grin. “There’s something in the closet? I wonder what it could be.”

You raise your rifle and point it forwards. As soon as the door knob turns, you’re going to start blowing chunks out of anything that moves. However, the knob doesn’t turn. Hell, nothing happens at all. After a moment of tense silence all you hear is something metal bouncing off the floor, then a small _beep_.

The door disappears in fiery explosion that knocks you backwards into the depths of the closet. You collide with something that vaguely resembles a record player and find yourself buried in a hanging forest of coats and shirts.

The turtles haven’t shut up the whole time and you can hear their incessant yapping along with a fierce ringing in your ears. You know enough about weapons and explosives to know that you’ve just been hit with a low-force grenade. _‘Low-force’_ because you’re still alive, and _‘grenade’_ because you obliviously just got blown into next week.

Hands grab onto your forearm and shoulder’s and you kick and punch, trying to force your way out of the mess of coats and beat your attackers simultaneously. Despite your best efforts, you’re pulled out of the closet and deposited on the floor. Sure enough, the closet door is gone, along with a sizable chunk of the floor and walls. Above you stands two men.

One is tall and thin, with an eye-patch and a gleaming switchblade dancing between his finger tips. This must be Slick, the leader, whose voice you’d only heard through a pair of doors. The other man is shorter and wider, with small, watery eyes and a big grin on his face. A second grenade bounces between Club’s hands.

You instantly hate both of these men.

“Nice piece.” Slick comments, nudging your rifle with his boot. You’d dropped it in the explosion. “Never seen anything like it.”

You don’t comment. You’re quickly calculating how quickly you could teleport to the door or if you’re strong enough to risk something else, maybe a jump back into the mansion. However, before you can attempt either, Slick bends down and grabs you by the arm again.

“Up and at ‘em, Sister. There’s someone who wants to talk to you.”

You struggle for a moment or two, but Slick’s grip is like iron around your arm, the explosion is still causing your vision and ears to function abnormally, and let’s not even get started on the nasty bruise that you’re sure is forming on your back at the moment. Damning this situation, your foul luck, and those traitorous turtles, you are dragged out into the hall and to the control room.

Doc Scratch is waiting, lounging in the captain’s chair, full of smugness and pretention. All he’s missing is a fluffy, white cat on his lap to stroke and he’d a stereotypical Bond Villain. Damn, you _really_ hate this guy.

“Miss Harley.” He bobs his head as you’re tossed to the floor at his feet. “How lovely to see you again. I was wondering where you’d gotten off to.”

“I bet you were.” You spit, pulling yourself up and scanning the room.

Slick leans against the wall, twirling his knife and watching you with a curious stare, Clubs positions himself by the door, your rifle under his arm and a grenade bouncing in his palm, and finally the two turtles, Ray and Egon, walk straight up to Doc Scratch and give him a little turtle kiss on his knee.

You grit your teeth.

“How could you?” You growl at the consorts. “We were your friends!”

“Friends?” Doc Scratch echoes as he scratches Ray’s head. “Hahaha. Don’t be ridiculous, Miss Harley. You never liked Sarah or Rebecca.”

“Sarah? Rebecca?”

“Yes,” He points to each of the turtles in turn. “Sarah and Rebecca. You really should have tried to learn their names. I believe they’ve been in your company for four-hundred and twenty two days, after all.”

“I knew you two were girls.” You sigh, looking at the pink, thoroughly feminine, reptiles. “I told John that you were chicks. I told him, man.”

“Yes, how perceptive of you.” Doc Scratch appears to be bored. “Perhaps they would have been more loyal if you’d treated them with more respect. Let this be a lesson in hospitality, among other things.”

You hear sounds from the hallway once more and turn to find that the last two remaining members of the Midnight Crew have decided to join the party. Boxcars and Droog walk straight up to Doc Scratch and give a little bow.

“We did what you asked, Sir.” Droog’s dark lips stretch up into a sinister grin.

“Really? That was quick. He didn’t put up a fight?”

“Nope. It was lights out in a matter of seconds.” Boxcars confirms.

You watch the exchange, processing their words, coming to conclusions:

“What did you do with John!?” You shout, jumping to your feet.

All eyes turn to you. All eyes _and_ all weapons. Suddenly you’re staring down the barrels of several guns, but you aren’t too concerned about that, all of your focus is directed to the strange man, calmly sitting in the captain’s chair with steepled fingers and folded legs.

“You won’t be seeing Mr. Egbert anytime soon, I’m afraid.” Doc Scratch states plainly. “If I were you, Miss Harley, I would recognize this situation for what it is: A loss. You have something that I desire. Hand it over and you might still walk away from this.”

“Oh really? Is that so?!” You take a step forward, fists clenched in rage. The guns track your movement. “I _might_ have a chance? Tell me, oh great know-it-all, tell me what’s really going to happen. Tell me what will happen if I _don’t_ hand over The Scratch.”

Doc Scratch shrugs.

“You die and I take it from you.”

“And if I give it to you?”

“Then we all become servants to the most supreme of all masters. Our Lord is a powerful one, Miss Harley. If you cooperate now, I’m positive that there’s a place for you at his side.”

You close your eyes and squeeze your fists as tight as you can until your nails threaten to pierce your palm. There’s no way in hell that you’re joining this freak show.

Betrayed, bruised, beaten, and alone you are not going to submit to this lunatic with a cue ball for a head. John wouldn’t give up, neither would Dave or Rose. Your Grandpa wouldn’t give up either. Doc Scratch may pretend to know everything, but then again, you’re sort of a wild card. There’s nothing left to try, except throw him for a loop however you can.

“Yeah.” You growl, opening your eyes to look at Doc Scratch. “Well… we’ll see about that!”

Flicking your hands over your eyes, you look through your fingers and teleport.

* * *

=> Be Doc Scratch

You are now Doc Scratch. But then again, you already knew that.

In fact, you’re having a hard time thinking of something you _don’t_ know, which is actually contradictory in of itself. You know everything, therefore there is nothing you don’t know, and therefore there is nothing you’re having a hard time thinking of.

Basically, you’re omnipotent. Let’s just leave it at that. There’s no point in confusing the reader, after all.

As you lean back in the captain’s chair, aboard the golden airship, watching as Jade Harley disappears from sight, you try not to allow your mind to stray. Without keeping close tabs on your consciousness, it’s possible that you might lose yourself in the unimaginable ocean of veritable knowledge that swirls around your spherical head like the powerful wind of a great hurricane.

You could think of how this story will end, of everyone that will die and live, of everything that will be happy or sad, or where the so called _‘writer’_ plans to take this universe after he’s finished. You could think forward, towards the next act and beyond, where everything will fall into place like it was always destined to. And you could look to the past, towards all the mistakes and the deaths and the misery and drama, towards the single one-shot that started it all, cementing the relationship between John and Vriska detailing the simple plot which will loosely hang from the gleaming threads of prose penned by the great Hussie. Oh, how the _‘writer’_ greedily soils the source material with his convoluted, backwards way of reasoning and outdated references to sci-fi and fantasy of decades past….

Oh dear. It seems as if your thoughts have gotten away from you after all. Where were we?

Ah yes… Miss Harley.

“Drats!” Slick curses angrily. “That little brat has given us the slip again! Where’d she get off to this time?”

“Don’t worry yourself too much, Mr. Slick.” You say, placating the leader of the Midnight Crew with a wave of your hand. “Miss Harley has yet to leave the airship. I fear that she might try to sabotage the engines. Would you be so kind as to make sure she is unsuccessful?”

The four gangsters give you wary glances. As you’ve mentioned previously, they are still currently in an adjustment period, having recently entered your employ, and are still a little unfamiliar with your omniscient ways. You resolve to ease them into the concept more gently from now on.

“Uh… engines. Sure thing boss.” Slick nods quickly to his associates and makes his way towards the door.

As Hearts Boxcars passes your chair, you reach out and gently tap him on the wrist (the only part you can reach), getting his attention.

“Stay here, if you please, Mr. Boxcars. Miss Harley will no doubt make an attempt on my life in the coming minutes. I would appreciate your company.”

Boxcars simply grunts and remains behind as the other crew members disappear out into the hall. The pair of turtles from LOLAR are still by your side, loyally awaiting your next instructions.

“Rebecca, Sarah,” You begin. “Would you kindly take the helm? I believe it is time that we say goodbye to this dreadful asteroid and set our sights on the future.”

Both of the turtles _“Blip!”_ in turn and rush to the controls, eager to please you and pilot the ship towards the black expanse of empty space above. Boxcars turns to you.

“Sir, what about the troll girl? Are we leaving her behind?” He asks.

“Damara has been of great assistance to me in the past and will continue to serve in the future. However, if I’m being honest, I grow tired of her uncivilized exploits and endeavor to give myself a much needed reprieve.” You sigh and rub your aching head, bursting at the seams with unbridled knowledge. “Her destiny will unfold whether we leave her behind or not. We might as well take the route of least resistance.”

Boxcars grunts and nods again. He doesn’t truly understand what you’re trying to articulate, but he’s enough of a professional to not question your judgment. Besides, he’s not that big a fan of Damara either.

As the ship pulls away from the ground, with you, the Midnight Crew, and Jade Harley still aboard, you watch your brilliant Green Mansion shrink smaller and smaller. You were first placed here by your master a long time ago, now, with your job almost finished, it is time for you to leave.

A jolt of excitement runs through your body at the thought of your all powerful master. He truly has thought of everything, you muse to yourself.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re so dead that…

“AAAGURAH!” You sit bolt upright, howling with pain and confusion. “Wh- What are you doing?!”

The troll girl, Damara, is crouched over you, shoving a long, wand-like apparatus into your bloody shoulder. White hot streaks of pain ripple from your wound all throughout your body, setting your nerves alight with an unimaginable stinging. It feels like a hundred bees have simultaneously stung you with their poison-tipped stingers.

 “No!” You try to shove her away, but she slaps your hand out of the air. “No. Just let me die. Let me die, please.”

She speaks then, another shrill expression of Japanese that completely goes over your head. One thing slips through your haze of pain to penetrate your skull: her _tone_. Damara isn’t murderous or vengeful or even angry. It almost sounds like she’s trying to tell you to _‘calm down’_ or something to that effect.

“I’ll come back if you let me die.” You groan, feeling her wand twist and burn inside your shoulder. “Please stop- agh- whatever you’re doing.”

She slaps you again, even though you hadn’t moved, and continues to poke your bullet wound with her fire stick. You grit your teeth and squeeze your eyes shut, doing your best to block out the pain and get your thoughts in order.

The Midnight Crew fucked you up and now they’re hunting Jade. Doc Scratch wants the shrunken Beat Mesa and he’s willing to have a few skulls bashed to get it. Jade is in trouble, Ray and Egon are in trouble, all your friends and the whole universe is in trouble if you lose The Scratch to this lunatic/braniac.

You have to get up. You have to _do_ something.

Damara twists her wand again and you cry out. With a small _pop_ , she flicks her wand out of your shoulder and launches a tiny, silver gleaming slug into the air. She catches it neatly in her palm and shows you the crumpled bullet.

“Uh, thanks I guess?” You’re breathing heavily and it feels like your whole body is drenched in sweat. “Wh- why are you helping me.”

She lets out another slew of Japanese, most likely full of derogatory words and horrible curses. You can’t tell, she sort of just sounds angry in your opinion. However, the way she’s looking at you, with her eyebrows furrowed, gives you the idea that her hurtful words aren’t directed towards you.

“Not a big fan of Doc Scratch either, huh?” You hazard a guess.

Damara shakes her head and mimes strangling someone violently.

You’re just about to ask her another question, when you realize that this whole back and forth game of confusion isn’t going to get you anywhere. Here are the facts: You hate Doc Scratch. She hate’s Doc Scratch. That’s all you need to know at the moment.

You’re tired of fooling around. It’s time you started dishing out some good old fashion comeuppance.

“Take me to Doc Scratch, please.” You say, pulling yourself to your feet.

Whatever Damara did to your shoulder whilst removing the bullet stopped the bleeding. You’re still in a lot of pain though and the horrible way your gut shifts when you move reminds you about Droog’s powerful kicks to your rib cage. You wonder if killing yourself and resetting would be a good idea or not. You’re not much a fighter anyways, let alone with broken ribs and a sore shoulder.

However, Damara is already leading the way towards the stairs and you don’t feel much like explaining to her why you suddenly want to try to commit suicide. With a low groan, you wobble after her and flop through the door and out onto the first step.

You hear Damara sigh from above you, then her hands are tugging on your sleeve.

“I’m coming.” You crawl up the next step. “I’m coming, Jade.”

She half drags/half supports you up to the top of the stairs. You flop out of the open door and into the hall, finding that the long expanse of green carpet and walls is gloriously empty. The Midnight Crew is hunting Jade of course; in fact, they might have already tracked her back to the ship.

You have to get out there.

With Damara’s help, you make your way down the hall and descend the stairs to the main lobby. The front doors have been left open and they flap feebly in a strong breeze. Fear threatens to strangle your heart as you stagger out into the grassy grounds and find that the golden airship is gone.

“Where is it?” You cling to Damara. “Where’s the ship?”

She simply points up, towards the grey clouds and the space above.

“Is there anything...” You gasp when another jolt of pain races up your side. “Fuh. Is there anything here we can use to go after them?”

She shrugs and starts pulling you back towards the mansion.

“Where are you taking me now?”

“内部では、もちろん。私たちはあなたのがらくたの完全な全体の部屋を持っている。すぐそこで有用な何かを、がなければならない？私たちはたわごとの汚れ、ピースが離れて私たちから取得させするつもりはありません.”

“Ugh…”

She takes you back, all the way to the room full of stuff that used to belong to you, Jade, Rose, and Dave. Thrusting you inside, Damara gestures to the mounds of crap and then looks at you pointedly.

“What?” You find Dave’s turntable and lean against it for support. You’re starting to get upset. “Why did you bring me here? It’s just a bunch of useless earth junk! Prop wands and guitars and puppets and absolutely nothing that we can use to build a space ship…”

You trail off. You’re eyes have just caught something in the far corner of the room, buried underneath a pile of hand-knitted sweaters and assorted books. It’s an Alchemiter, coated with dust and rusty with disuse.

“This…” You make your way over to it. “This is the Alchemiter Rose made for me, back on earth before we entered the game. She saved my life with this thing. I used it… Well, I didn’t use it very well. There was a lot of stuff happening at the time and I was scared and frantic and… I guess Doc Scratch took it from my house.”

Damara joins you by the Alchemiter and sweeps off the piles of yarn and paper.

“Careful with that stuff.” You grunt as you stoop to investigate the alien machine. “Oh man. I don’t even know if this will work, or even what to make. I’ve never built a space ship from scratch before.”

Maybe you don’t have to?

If you remember correctly, things can be alchemized either by combining a bunch of things to make something new, using grist to generate new things, or by entering a specialized code that will force the Alchemiter to produce a certain object.  You don’t have time to experiment with all the crap in here, or any grist to buy things. You don’t even have a code…

“Oh, Vriska.” You flick a switch on the face of the Alchemiter and it buzzes to life. “Where would I be without you?”

Damara stands off to the side, watching curiously as you type in: 82THE8TH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on John: Try to Understand: Jade confronts her fears, John makes a new friend, and the reunion some of you have been looking forward to finally happens. 
> 
> Avatar: The Last Airbender update! I finished season one and am about halfway though season two. Zuko is super interesting, Toph is awesome, Aang and Katara sort of kissed, and Mo-Mo is still the most important character. The one thing I kind of... well... I don't wanna say "dislike", but it just doesn't do it for me, would have to be all the "spirit" stuff. I get it, that's the universe they live in. I just can't help but scoff at it all the time though. Like seriously, that fucking huge, librarian owl with his little foxy assistants? I dunno it just seems kind of silly to me. I'm just a a prick like that.
> 
> Anyways, Happy Birthday to Adriana. (fucking shout-out, amirite?)
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	43. ACT 5 - PART 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to BluePotatoes for leaving a comment and having a rather thought-provoking username.

=> Be Jade Harley

You are once again Jade Harley. Baby, don’t don't fear the reaper.

Fear the stupid Midnight Crew.

You teleport with a flash of green light to game room in the rear of the golden airship, the furthest possible point away from Doc Scratch without actually leaving the ship. You don’t really know what you’re planning, other than keeping The Scratch as far away from the crazy doctor as possible and doing whatever you can to prevent this ship from setting a course to your friends on the _right_ meteor.

Crouching down behind the sofa, you try to think of a plan. It’s then that you feel the gentle hum of the ship as it comes to life and begins to ascend. It seems like Doc Scratch has decided to fly this chicken coop. You better act fast.

“The engines.” You mutter to yourself as you sprint from the game room. “I gotta shut them down.”

You’re reasoning is as follows: If you sabotage the airship, then it will fall back to the meteor and explode, killing everyone on board! Then, if John is still alive somehow, he’ll recover The Scratch from you corpse and deliver it to your friends! Somehow…

Okay, so maybe you don’t have all that great of a plan in mind. But give yourself a break, a whole bunch of bullshit is going down at once. You’re making the most out of the situation.

Lemons to lemonade and all that jazz.

You make a quick detour to the kitchen and swipe a steak knife from the counter. It’s no fully automatic M4A12 custom assault rifle, but you’ll take what you can get at the moment. Damn John for cleaning up the ship all the time. If he wasn’t such a neat freak, you would have had pistols lying on every flat surface in this ship. Now all your guns are safely tucked away and organized in the bedroom, thoroughly out of reach.

Making a bee-line for the engine room, you dash down the hall. How long until the Midnight Crew catches up with you? Will you even have the time to make a difference? You round a corner at full speed. The engine room is just ahead, if you can make it inside…

“AHH!” You screech to a halt, suddenly finding yourself face to face with Diamonds Droog.

“Hey there, girly.” He grins, raising his pistol. You hear footsteps behind you and look to see that Clubs is now blocking your retreat. “I think we’ve had enough of this little game, right?”

**STRIFE!**

You stand perfectly still, clutching your knife tightly and waiting for the right time to strike. As Clubs draws closer from behind, you make your move.

“Agh!” Droog roars in pain when you shrink his gun, crushing the finger that had slowly been wrapping around the trigger.

Pivoting on the spot, you duck and jam your knife into Clubs’ thigh, simultaneously dodging his surprise attack. As his fist sails uselessly over your head, you propel yourself towards him and knock him to the ground.

“You stabbed me!” He cries, as you wrestle with him. “You actually stabbed me!”

“You were going hit me!” You shout back, scrabbling for one of the grenades on his belt. “You were going hit a girl!”

“Yeah, a girl who just stabbed me! Ooof!”

You bury your fist in the gangster’s gut and jump to your feet, grenade in hand. A few feet away, Droog is struggling to extricate his hand from his useless gun.

“Freeze, both of you!” You shout, brandishing the grenade. “One wrong move and I’ll blow us all to kingdom come!”

Clubs rolls on the ground like an overturned tortoise and Droog just glares at you with malicious intent, still trying to twist his broken finger from his weapon.

“You ain’t got the lady balls, Lassie.” He growls. “You aren’t gonna kill nobody.”

“You don’t think so? My brother is dead and all my friends are gone. I’m desperate enough to do just about anything. Plus,” You reach into your skirt pocket and fish out The Scratch. “I don’t think your _boss_ would be to happy if anything happened to this.”

Both of the gangster’s watch with apprehension as you bend the CD dangerously between your fingers.

“Y- You aren’t going to break it.” Droog takes a step forward. You step back.

“Oh, yeah? Why not?”

“Cause you need it just as much as he does.”

You smirk at him and back away slowly, being careful to keep both members of the Midnight Crew in sight, as well as hold the grenade and The Scratch in the most menacing way possible. Not an easy task with only eight fingers.

“I’ve already told you,” You growl. “I’m just desperate enough to…”

You feel the cold edge of a switchblade press to your neck, as well as a lean arm wrap around your waist. 

“Drop ‘em.” Slick hisses in your ear, pulling your body flush against his. “Drop both the bomb and the disc, _now_.”

Clubs climbs to his feet and pulls the knife from his leg. Both he and Droog are grinning at you now and advancing towards you. Slick’s knife digs deeper into the soft skin of your throat.

“Did you hear me, kid? I told you to drop them.”

If you make a move, he’ll slice you open and your hands are too full to attempt another teleportation or shrinkage. You don’t know what else to do besides what you’re told.

Swallowing hard, you drop both The Scratch and the grenade to the ground. Clubs scurries forward and collects both, whilst Slick’s low laughter vibrates from his chest into your spine.

“There we go,” He continues. “Now, was that so hard?”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth, then the wall to your left suddenly implodes and all hell breaks loose. A small, bath-tub shaped craft has punched through the outer wall and lodged itself in the corridor. Immediately, Droog is sucked out into space and disappears with a strangled yell.

Slick’s grip on you slackens with surprise and you take advantage of the confusion to bring your heel down hard onto his toes. He grunts and you throw your elbow backwards, catching him in the ribs. As he tumbles away, you look to the intrusion and are stunned to find both John and the troll girl, Damara, clumsily clambering from the craft.

The hole in the side of the airship is sucking everything towards it, threatening to send you flipping out into space. You stay low to the ground and stagger to the nearest wall, calling for John.

“What the hell?!” You shout over the howling wind. “John what is that? How did you get here?”

“It’s a gift from Vriska.” He responds. One of his hands is cradling his side and another is wielding another large hammer, one that you’ve never seen before. “Head’s up!”

He nods over your shoulder and you turn to see that Slick has recovered and is stumbling towards you, knife flashing. Quickly, you leap over small rocket-car and into John, who pulls you out of harm’s way.

Slick is yelling something, but you can’t hear him over the windstorm, also Damara is attempting to drown out all the noise with her rapid-fire, angry Japanese speech. You want to tell her to shut up. You want to tell _everyone_ to just shut up for a moment and let you get your thoughts straight. Everything is out of control.

John sandwiches you between a wall and his chest, holding you in place and preventing you from being sucked out along with Droog. You watch as both Damara and Clubs charge down the hallway in opposite directions. You hazard a guess that both of them are going for Doc Scratch, although for entirely different reasons.

“John!” You tug sharply on his coat. “That little guy has The Scratch!”

“Okay!” He responds. “What about this guy?”

You look towards Slick, who’s crawling his way over John’s new space ship to get to you.

“I got _him_.” Wrapping an arm around John’s neck, you look through your fingers at the rocket car.

With a flash of green light, you increase the size of the vehicle and cause it to break through more of the wall, dislodging it and sending it sliding towards the hole in the hull of the airship. Slick tries to get out of the way, but is too slow and ends up getting sucked out through the hole a second before the enlarged rocket-car plugs the breach.

The wind dies instantly and you breathe a sigh of relief.

“Wow. That just happened.” John tries to pull away, but your wrap your arms tighter around him. “Jade?”

“I thought you were dead.” You say, crushing him with as tight a hug as you can muster.

“Ah. Jade! I’m… tender. Ow.” He complains, but you don’t listen.

“What happened? How did you find that rocket-car? How did you find _me_?”

“I used Vriska’s code.” He explains, still trying to free himself. “I really didn’t know what it would create, but I was sort of desperate. I guess I got lucky with the ship and _this_.” He shows you his new hammer. It’s sleeker and all around more badass-looking than the old one. “Damara flew the ship. She knew exactly where to go.”

“How did you get through the atmosphere though?”

“The atmosphere?”

“Yeah. You guys should have burned up trying to fly away from the meteor and suffocated and froze and all kinds of stuff when you actually got into space.”

John grins happily.

“Well, that’s simple. I just brought some air with us! Damara flew straight up no problem while I did my windy thing.”

“Huh.” You say, thoughtfully. That was some good thinking on his part. You’ll praise him later though. Right now there’s stuff to be done. “Listen, I’m pretty sure that little gangster is taking The Scratch to his boss. We have to stop him.

“I know.” John says. “You should probably let go of me.”

“Oh right.” You release him and he steps away, gingerly rubbing his side and rolling his shoulder. “Are you going to tell me what happened to you?”

“They kicked my ass.” He groans as the pair of you begin to jog down the hall once more. “I dunno how good I’m going to be in a fight, Jade. My shoulder is killing me.”

“I’m sorry but we don’t have time to rest. We need to regain control of this ship now. Do you best, John. I’ll cover you as much as I can.” You pull him towards the bedroom and recover a back-up rifle from the cabinet next to your cot. You’re a lot more confident with solid steel in your hands again.

John investigates the ruined closet and the overturned furniture.

“What happened in here, Jade? Where are the turtles?”

As you load your gun and prepare to fight Doc Scratch and his remaining goons, you tell him about what happened with the turtles. How they betrayed you, stole his hammer, tried to deliver The Scratch to Mr. Vanilla Milkshake, and how they’re probably piloting this whole airship right now. John is speechless.

“Wh- What? Ray and Egon are… _girls_?” He splutters.

“Yeah. I told you they were girls, John. They’re totally pink.” You cock your rifle. “Let’s go show them what happens to those whole double-cross us.”

“I don’t know if we should hurt them,” John argues, but follows you nonetheless. “They were our friends. It isn’t their fault that we didn’t treat them right.”

“You saved them from Jack Noir and brought them with us, John. If anyone should be feeling sorry it’s those despicable reptiles.”

“They saved my life though.”

“Well fine. You don’t have to hurt them.” You shake your head. “But if they get in my way, I won’t hesitate. I’ll show them what _blip, blip, blip_ really means.”

“What?”

“I’m going to shoot them, John.”

“Oh. Okay.”He frowns. “So do we have a plan for how we’re going to do this, or we just rushing in guns blazing?”

You both come to a halt outside of the control room. Damara is nowhere in sight, but voices can be heard from inside. You ponder John’s words for a moment.

“I’m thinking…” You kick the door open. “Guns blazing!”

Doc Scratch is right where you left him, still sitting in his chair with Clubs and Boxcars by his side. In his hand he holds The Scratch.

“How wonderful to see you together again, and in such good shape too.” Doc Scratch bobs his head and continues. “I was afraid that you would both refuse to surrender easily, so it must come to…”

“Enough talk, fuckass!” You point your rifle at his head, not an easy target to miss. “Hand over The Scratch.”

“I’d rather not.” He replies calmly, and then passes the disc to one of the turtles, Egon maybe or is it Sarah? Regardless, the turtle scurries over to the main consol and inserts The Scratch into a compartment that you’ve never investigated before. “I believe this artifact is better put to use in my possession rather than yours.”

Boxcars and Clubs advance towards you and John. Clubs is wielding your abandoned kitchen knife and another grenade, although you doubt he’ll use it in such an enclosed space. Hearts Boxcars simply cracks his knuckles and grins at John.

**STRIFE 2.0!**

“Put down the hammer, kid, and maybe this time I’ll go easier on you.” He grunts.

“Go easy on this!” John shouts and swings his new hammer at Boxcar’s head.

The large gangster easily catches it mid-swing and tugs it out of John’s hand.

“Wow.” He comments, tossing the hammer over his shoulder. “That was a neat trick.”

“Shit.” John grumbles as Boxcars seizes him by the collar.

You’ll help him out in a second. Right now Clubs is dancing towards you with a bloody knife in his fingers. Behind him, the main console is buzzing to life. The Scratch is spinning wildly in the compartment Egon placed it in and the entire ship rattles dangerously as it suddenly increases in speed.

“What did you do?!” You shout to Doc Scratch as you struggle to maintain your balance on the wobbly floor.

“I’ve just given us a little nudge in the right direction.” He calmly replies, before checking his watch. “If I’m correct, which I always am, you should be reunited with your friends in the next three minutes, for all the good it will do. I’m afraid they hold the second piece to this little puzzle. I wonder if they’ll put up as a good a fight as you.”

You grit your teeth. He’s using The Scratch to increase your rate of travel, something you didn’t even know was a possibility. If he’s telling to truth, then he’s taking you straight to Dave’s meteor, which will put everyone there in danger. You can’t let him get a hold of both The Scratch _and_ Echidna’s Needles.

If that happens, everything will have been for nothing.

Clubs stumbles towards you, knife poised to strike. To your right, you can hear the sound of Boxcars slamming John repeatedly into the wall. With a horrible _crunch_ , John is shoved through the wall and crashes out the other side. As Boxcars forces his way through the hole after him, you finally decide that enough is enough.

“I didn’t want to do this!” You scream and raise your rifle.

The first bullet sails straight between Clubs’ eyes, so does the second, third, fourth, and fifth. You pivot and put two more into Ray’s chest as he waddles towards you. Then you aim your sights at Doc Scratch.

“Go ahead.” He says with near indifference. “End my life. I am merely a pawn in the grand scheme of things.”

The wall to your right implodes once more as John is thrown back into the room. He lands in a heap at your feet with a muffled _‘ow’_. Boxcars follows, crumbling more of the ship with his broad shoulders as he forces his way towards you.

“Who is your master?!” You yell at Doc Scratch, backing away out of Boxcars’ reach. “Jack Noir?!”

Doc Scratch laughs politely, as if you’d just told an eloquent joke.

“Jack Noir.” He repeats and wipes away a fake tear from where his eye should be. “He’s as much of your primary antagonist as I am. He will fall along with the rest. You haven’t even begun to fathom the types of foes that stand in your way.”

Behind Doc Scratch, through the main window, you see something. A small, grey meteor is quickly approaching.

“Ah,” Doc Scratch follows your gaze. “We have arrived at last.”

Boxcars is stooping to grab John once more, Egon is prodding his dead friend curiously with a finger, and Doc Scratch sits peacefully in his chair, watching as you fumble with what to do next.

“Screw it.” You say. You raise your rifle again and fire into the glass window, shattering it completely.

Immediately another windstorm picks up and you, John, Boxcars, Doc Scratch, Egon, and the deceased Ray and Clubs are all sucked out into space.

You’re tumbling wildly through nothingness, spinning like a top and flopping around uselessly like a ragdoll. Spinning your arms, you try to get a good look at your surroundings and get your bearings, but it’s essentially useless. You see a flash of gold: the airship, a blur of grey: the meteor, and then a sea of blue: John.

Wait. John?”

His arms wrap around your middle and pull you into his chest. You’re descent is brought under more control as his windy abilities prevent you from flailing helplessly.

“Jade!” He coughs, clinging to you tightly. “Hold on!”

You clutch him in return and watch in awe as the grey surface of the meteor rises to meet you. You’re vaguely aware of someone screaming, not John, probably Boxcars and you distantly hear the sound of the golden airship as it crashes to the ground far below.

“Why aren’t we suffocating?” You gasp. “John, is this another windy trick?”

“Yeah, but I dunno how long I can keep this up.” He’s horribly bruised and beaten, and through his coat you can feel that he’s slick with sweat. “Jade, we’re falling.”

Sure enough, you look down to see that you’re speeding towards the rocky ground below faster and faster each second. You bury your face in John’s coat.

“It’s okay.” You tell him. “We did it. We stopped them.”

“Hang on, Jade.”

You head is getting lighter, whatever bubble of air John created is quickly losing power. You doubt you’ll make it to the surface of the meteor before you run out of air. If you had to die a heroes death though, then this isn’t so bad.

Who knows, you might even come back from this.

“It’s okay, John. Really, it is. We did it.”

His next words are unintelligible. As you start to spin out of control once more, you simply close your eyes and wait.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently spending some time updating your journal. It is now day four-hundred and twenty two. You’ve been surviving on this meteor for well over a year now.

It hasn’t been easy.

As you write, you’re sitting outside of the ruined temple, next to the three graves that have been dug in memoriam. Harley, Nepeta, and your mother’s remains all rest three feet to your left and six feet straight down. Out here, in this makeshift graveyard, is the only place where you can write uninterrupted.

No one ever comes out to visit the graves, save for you.

In the months after Nepeta and Eridan’s attempted theft and successful murders, everyone had done their best to rebuild your lives out here. What could be salvaged from the temple was saved, and what couldn’t be rebuilt was reused in whatever way possible. The black walls still stand, the majority of the roof still covers your head, and the strange mural with the two alien beings continue to pique your interest.

Eridan, in true villain fashion, had dropped a lot of grist after he was killed, rather spectacularly, by Kanaya. Terezi had collected it all and put it to good use, building softer beds, better tools and supplies, even a few leisurely goods like UNO cards and DVD players.

Dave has kept everyone entertained with a never-ending supply of raps and beats, Karkat is noticeably more personable, thanks to his Moirail and Equius is often seen conversing with the rest of the group now, instead of hiding away in his little tent of machines and wires.

Kanaya is friendly enough with you, although the conversations you share with her are often short and more business-like than anything else. No one talks about what happened with Eridan and Nepeta. No one mentions John or Jade. All that seems to be discussed nowadays is: _‘what’s for dinner?’_ Or _‘how about another rousing game of Monopoly?’_

The only person you feel comfortable discussing events past with is your mother. She isn’t much of a talker anymore, but you’ll be hard-pressed to find a better listener.

“Am I missing anything else?” You ask her, chewing on the end of your pen thoughtfully. “Sometimes I wonder if keeping this journal is even worth the time. Nothing worth documenting has happened in many months.”

The wind blows by gently, tousling your hair. Kanaya, surprisingly enough, has taken it upon herself to keep everyone well groomed. Hair-cut Day is a regular event about once a month. You’ve grown to look forward to those days, when the whole group gets together again and pretends their going to try something different. None of you ever do though. Everyone is too set in their own ways, their own particular style.

“I suppose I could mention Dave’s latest class on Human Culture.” You comment, scratching at your journal once more. “Let’s see: I belive this newest lesson was on the topic of classic 90’s animation. I’ve never been much a fan of television myself, but I do appreciate the occasional episode of Angry Beavers. I worry on occasion that I, in fact, wasted a portion of my childhood within the pages of books. Perhaps I would have been closer to my peers if I’d spent more time, rooted before our television, hmmm?”

The breeze blows stronger this time, flipping some of the pages in your journal with its ethereal fingers.

Sometimes, it’s almost like your mother is trying to talk back.

You investigate the page which had been left open by the interfering wind. It’s a random collection of miscellaneous doodles, full of tentacle beasts, orange suns, and a few rough sketches of Kanaya. You’d never shown her this page of drawing for fear that she might think it was creepy. You absentmindedly touch a finger to one drawing of her. You’d penned it whilst she was learning to knit, unawares of your scrutinization.

A large gust threatens to knock you over and you look angrily towards the blustering sky.

Your jaw drops.

“DAVE!” You jump to your feet, dropping your journal in the dirt and beginning to sprint towards the temple entrance. “DAVE!”

You’re ecto-brother meets you at the door.

“What, what, what!?” He barks, bumping into you. His shirt is rumpled and shades are askew. He’d obviously been sleeping. “Where’s the fire? Is there a flood? What’s going on?”

“Tell me,” You point towards the sky. “Am I going crazy?”

He follows your finger and his mouth falls agape as well.

“Sonovabitch.” He gasps.

A smoking, golden airship is diving towards the ground at a breakneck speed. It has to be John and Jade. There’s no other explanation. You and Dave stand and watch as it crashes to the ground on the horizon, sending up a plume of grey dust. The ground shakes below your feet and the most powerful gale yet races past, sending you stumbling into Dave.

You hear shouts from inside the temple.

“What in Gog’s name was that?!” Karkat roars. “Are we being motherfucking bombed?!?!”

“Get the others.” Dave pushes you towards the temple. “I’m going to check it out.”

His words fall upon deaf ears. You’re already sprinting flat-out towards the crash site.

John and Jade have finally arrived, just like you always hoped they would. Well… not exactly. They definitely crashed and judging by the smoke which is drifting towards the space above, they might be dead.

However, as you run across the rocks. You refuse to believe that. For over a year, you’ve waited for some sort of sign that they would come and here it is. You’d waited too long for them to simply die on your doorstep. Somehow they survived the crash, somehow they’re alive and waiting to see you.

Somehow, everything is going to be okay.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you are feeling the wind as it tugs and pulls at the skin on your face. You resist the urge to squeeze your eyes shut behind your glasses with fear as the ground rushes up to meet you.

The beating that Boxcars had given you, not once, but twice has rattled your bones so much that you’re pretty sure you’re half jelly right now. You’re arms feel like weak strings of wet noodles and your chest burns with an internal fire that will surely eat you alive before you are crushed to death on the rocks below.

Jade hugs you tightly and her warmth is the only thing that urges you to hold on for as long as you do.

“Come on.” You cough and taste the coppery tang of blood in your mouth. “Windy thing, come on.”

You are in the center of an unstoppable hurricane, on a collision course with an immovable brick wall. The airship has already crashed somewhere below you, detonating with enough force to chatter your teeth and rattle your ear drums.

Damara was somewhere on board. You hope that she isn’t dead, although looking down at the smoking wreckage, you’ll be very surprised if _anything_ survived. Where had she disappeared to? You were a hundred percent certain that she was going after Doc Scratch. However she just disappeared. How strange.

You’ll worry about that later though. The ground has arrived.

You and Jade land together on the side of a rocky slope. You hear more than feel your ankles _snap_ and as you tumble sideways, you do your best to position yourself below Jade and shelter her from the impending impacts. Nevertheless, the pair of you roll down the hill, bouncing and bruising along the way until you come to a rest at the bottom of a crater.

Jade slips from your weak grasp and splays out next to you in the dirt. High above, you can see the stars and the dark sky, which steadily begins to fill with smoke. If Jade is right and Doc Scratch used the shrunken Beat Mesa to bring you to your friend’s meteor, then… you did it.

You made it.

You cough again, more blood, and do your best to relax. The hard part is over now. All you need to do is sleep. As your eyes begin to drift shut, you wonder once again if there’s any chance Vriska will take you back. You miss her.

Distantly, you hear a scream and then hands are pushing against your shoulder.

“No.” You wheeze. “Let me die.”

“John.”

“No. Please. It’s okay… I’ll come back.”

“John!” Hands are cupping your face and shaking you gently. “John, wake up!”

You force your eyes to open. It’s Rose Lalonde.

“Am I- in heaven?” You ask, staring up into her lavender eyes, full of watery tears and… something else. An emotion that you can’t quite place.

“No, John.” Rose says as the tears begin to fall. “Far from it.”

“Oh.”

“Oh. Indeed.”

You black out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I see, is what's in front of me... and that's you :) Reunited and it feels so good. (to me at the very least) A lot of talking and exposition next chapter.
> 
> Avatar: The Last Airbender update! I finished the season two episode called, The Drill, and man, what an episode. I haven't laughed that much about anything in a long ass time XD Basically the evil fire bitch, Azula, tries to break into this city by using a giant phallic-looking drill to punch through the outer wall. It's literally the most ridiculous thing ever. A giant, dildo-shaped drill, bashing into the wall over and over again, harder and harder, until the wall is just moaning and groaning, almost begging to come...  
> crashing down on itself. Meanwhile the city defenders throw rocks at it and wonder: "Why no work?"
> 
> Maybe I'm too into this show? But still when is the last time you watched a TV show and just had fun? I've never watched a show like this and just enjoyed myself :3 It's a first and I'm not stopping any time soon.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	44. ACT 5 - PART 5

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means that you’ve probably just died again. This is getting old.

Like _really_ old.

Has there ever been anyone as useless as you? As stupid? Has there ever been a person who couldn’t hold their own, who failed every chance they got, who disappointed anyone they cared about, and who was just so incompetent in the most excruciatingly painful way possible?

You are a failure. It is you.

For a moment, you wish that this was the end for you. You don’t want to wake up in the void and see Vriska’s snarling face or Tavros’s snide grin. You don’t want to explain to all the Dave’s or Aradia how you died this time. You don’t want to find out if anymore of your friends have lost their lives either.

You’ve lost way too many already.

For a moment, you just want it to be over.

“John?”

Then you hear that voice.

 _That_ voice.

“Rose?” You force your eyes to open. It’s her alright. Everything about her is just as you remember and better. Her white-blonde hair is trimmed into a neat bob and tucked primly behind her headband. Her lavender eyes are as sharp as ever and the thin, black line that is her lips is drawn up in a nervous smile.

“How are you feeling?” She asks.

“Oh. You know,” You sit up with a low groan. “Never better.”

The truth is, you could be feeling a lot worse. You’re shoulder and ribs still hurt, but it’s subsided into a dull ache now and every other part of your body that should be shattered or torn feels absolutely fine.

You’re lying on a cot, amongst a pile of soft blankets. The room you’re in is dimly lit and surrounded by hanging sheets of opaque plastic. Jade is in the cot next to you, snoozing lightly.

“You took quite the fall back there.” Rose says with a yawn. She’s sitting in a chair between you and Jade. Something tells you that she’s been there for a while. “I’m impressed that you survived the crash. No doubt thanks to your powerful abilities as the Heir of Breath.”

“Hmmm.” You hum in response. “Rose, did I die again?”

“Only for a little while.” She nods. “You’re body couldn’t take the stress, John. I was quick to revive you though and before long you were stable enough to sleep.”

“Oh. Okay.” You don’t want to imagine Rose smooching on your bloody and broken corpse. It’s just too emotionally confusing. “Did Jade…”

“She lived.” Rose is quick to cut you off. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s more than a little beat up and I highly doubt she’ll be jumping out of the sky any time soon, but besides the bruises and the cuts she’s fine. You saved her life, John.”

You prop yourself up against the wall and exhale deeply. You feel exhausted, spent beyond belief, and stretched to your limits. To quote Bilbo Baggins: _‘you feel like butter that has been scraped over too much bread’_.

You might be misquoting that, but you honestly haven’t read any Lord of The Rings books since like eight grade. Jade shifts uncomfortably in her sleep and you look over as she mumbles something unintelligible, something about Bec.

“I’ve missed you.” You blurt suddenly, snapping your head back to Rose. “I, er… We both have. This past year has been torture without you guys.”

Rose smiles.

“We’ve missed you as well. Without you and Jade here to lighten the mood, I’m afraid we’ve fallen into a rather depressing slump.” A deep wrinkle forms between her eyebrows and she leans closer to you. “John. There is a lot to discuss. So many terrible things have happened while we’ve been apart that I don’t even know where to begin.”

You nod. The blanket that you’re laying on is really soft, colorful too, woven with deep greens and vivid purples. You twist the fabric in your lap.

“I know about… Nepeta.” You say. “And Eridan and your mother and Jade’s grandpa too. I…” You stretch the blanket between your fingers. “I spent a lot of time in the void during our trip. I talked to Vriska and others who had talked to Nepeta and Eridan and I pretty much got the full story. I- I’m sorry, Rose.”

Rose looks at you, then to the sleeping Jade. A frown quirks her lips.

“Does Jade know?” She asks. “And what do you mean when you say you spent a lot of time in the void?”

“Jade doesn’t know and… I made some mistakes. I died once, on accident, and then,” You shake your head. You don’t want to tell Rose how weak you are. “I just wasn’t very smart, okay? Hell, I’m still not. I lied to Jade and hurt her and left her alone and a whole bunch of other things that make me feel… awful, and… I don’t think that I’m supposed to be here.”

She looks at you curiously, her frown deepening.

“What is that supposed to mean? John, you aren’t making any sense.”

“I can never do anything right.” You slap your hand against the blankets like a fussy child. Before you know it, you’re spilling your guts. “Everyone else is a good fighter, or really smart, or clever, or powerful and I just get in the way most of the time. I get my ass kicked and make mistakes and I don’t think I should be here with you guys. If the universe is in my hands than it has been screwed for a _long_ time, and…”

You trail off. Rose has just suddenly taken your hand.

“I’m going to put an end to that nonsensical tirade right there.” She squeezes your fingers tightly. “John I’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve saved my life. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s just that as a leader, your mistakes tend to be a little more cataclysmic. What characterizes a hero isn’t his invulnerability to errors, it’s his ability to stand up once he’s hit rock bottom. That’s a gift not many people have, John, and one that we on this meteor have been in desperate need of. We need you here. _I_ need you here.”

You shift your hand, lacing your fingers with her’s. Just being here, with her, holding hands… You think you might pee your pants.

“Well… I’m here now?” You smile weakly. “I’m sorry, Rose. I don’t mean to dump all my crap on you. It’s just nice to talk to someone who isn’t Jade.”

“I can relate.” Rose smiles back. “I really did miss you.”

You open your mouth to reply, but at that moment the heavy curtains around your beds are thrown open. Dave stands in the opening, covered in black soot and wielding a gleaming blade.

“Oh. Hey, John.” He smirks. “What’s up, Bro?”

On instinct, both you and Rose retract your hands and fold them on your respective laps. One of Dave’s eyebrows rises above the dark rim of his shades.

“Uh, Hey!” You grin at Dave. “I just woke up. How are you?”

You sound like a robot. How do you greet someone after over four-hundred miserable days apart?

“You know me,” Dave swaggers up to your bed. “I’ve been keeping it _cool_. Listen, John. It’s good that you’re awake. A group of us have been scouting around the wreckage of the crashed airship looking for anything worthwhile. We could use your help, also everyone’s pretty curious about…. well, about a lot of stuff.”

You cast a glance to Rose, who’s glaring at Dave intensely.

“John needs rest, Dave. You can tell Karkat and the others that he’ll explain everything once he’s feeling up to it.” She says firmly.

“Whoa, _Karkat_.” You say your alien friend’s name, tasting its weight on your tongue after so long. “No, no. I wanna see everyone. I feel fine, Rose. Honest!”

Her glare switches to you now and under its scrutiny you almost retract your statement, but Dave has already taken you by the elbow and pulled you out of bed.

“Rock n’ Roll. Good times.” He pulls you towards the entrance, but not before waving back to Rose. “Keep an eye on my better half, okay Sis? I’ll have John back and tucked in by nine tonight, alright?”

She only scowls, crosses her arms, and settles into her chair next to Jade’s bed. You feel kind of bad for abandoning her when you have so much stuff to talk about together, but then again you’re tired of lying around and doing nothing, especially when you have the chance to stretch your legs and catch up with some old pals.

“It’s good to see you in one piece, man.” Dave continues, leading you through a large open space in the center of… what is this place? A gothic temple? You’ll ask in a second. “You gave us a hell of a scare when you came tumbling out of the sky like a goddamn shooting star. Good thing you guys are alright. Looks like my wish came true.”

You grin at Dave and this time the words come easier.

“Holy shit, I missed you, Dave.”

“Heh.” He adjusts his shades. “Why wouldn’t you? I’m sort of a hot-commodity.”

You’ll tell him about the colony of other Dave’s living in the void some other time. Right now you’re too happy to confuse him with such things.

“Soooooo.” He elbows you in the ribs. “A few hours after touchdown and you’re already putting the moves on Rose? You salty dog.”

“What?! No!” You wave your hands wildly. “That’s not what’s going on at all. We were just talking. I don’t have a crush on Rose anymore and even if I did, I wouldn’t want to screw up her relationship with Kanaya.”

“Pssh. Don’t pretend you don’t feel anything just to avoid uncomfortable situations.” He scolds, and then adds: “Also Rose and Kanaya totally broke up about a year ago.”

This catches you off guard, causing you to stumble over the loose rocks.

“What? Why?” You ask, regaining your balance.

He shrugs.

“Something about cultural barriers and sexual intimacy. I dunno. It was a while ago, but if you ask me, those two are just too alike, you know? Relationships are supposed to be about challenging yourself. There’s a reason they’re called your other half. Opposites attract.”

You mull over Dave’s words as you walk.

“Isn’t that from a Paula Abdul song?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

You aren’t sure if Dave’s right about relationships or not. You trust his judgment sure, but really what does he know? As far as you’re aware, he hasn’t dated anyone other than Jade and even then their relationship hasn’t been entirely normal.

Regardless, as you watch the ground pass beneath your feet, you can’t help but agree with his prognosis.

Dave takes you away from the temple and over a set of rocky hills. The smoke from the crashed golden airship has dissipated slightly, leaving only a white stream of misty essence to rise and discolor the air above. As you near the wreckage, you see a group of individuals collected at the rim of the crater created by the impact.

“Well, well, fucking well.” Karkat crosses his arms when he sees you and Dave approach. “Look everyone, it’s sleeping beauty and his prince charming. I hope you’ve come to explain exactly what the hell all this ludicrous bullshit is about.”

“It’s good to see you too, Kar…” You’re cut off when something slams into your chest.

“Hey there, blue boy. Hehe.” Terezi draws a letter double-u across your cheek with her tongue. “You taste like…” She smacks her lips loudly. “Rose Lalonde.”

Over, next to Equius, you see Kanaya stiffen visibly.

“I uh, was sleeping on her blankets. No- I mean. She let me borrow…”

“Yeah, yeah whatever. No one cares.” Karkat jabs a finger towards the smoking ship. “Explain. Now!”

You give Terezi a quick hug in return and then pull away to address the group as a whole. Everyone crowds around, with varying levels of interest and wonder, as you start to speak.

“Oh, fuck.” You begin. “I don’t even know where to start?”

You decide to start with the battle on LOLAR. Where you died on the beach, was saved by the pink turtles, worked with army of Dave’s, and then tried to carry The Scratch away with your windy powers.

“Really?” Equius chimes in. “John, The Beat Mesa must have been impossibly heavy. I doubt you got very far with it.”

“Actually, I didn’t.”

You tell them how you met up with Jade, she shrunk The Scratch, and then how the pair of you flew away together towards the meteor where she had inadvertently sent them. You gloss over your time with Vriska in the Void and get right to the more recent turmoil. You tell them about Doc Scratch.

“… And then Jade shot all the glass and we were sucked out into Space.” You finish. “I used the air from the ship though to create a bubble around us so that we could hopefully make it to the meteor’s surface. And we did!”

The entire assembled group looks at you with stunned silence.

“John…” Dave begins. “What the hell are you talking about? Dudes with cue balls for heads, murderous gangsters, Chinese trolls who look like Aradia?”

“Not Chinese. Japanese, I think.” Suddenly you slap your hand to your forehead. “Oh shit! She was onboard the ship when it crashed! Has anyone seen her?”

Everyone shakes their head.

“Look at this, John.” Kanaya sweeps her hand over the ruins. “Do you think anyone could have survived this?”

You gaze at the smoking husk of the ship. Honestly, no. You doubt anyone could have survived the crash, but still, you owe Damara your life.

“Well, there’s only one way to find out, right?” You then lead the way down the crater and towards the golden airship.

The whole craft split into two halves upon impact and you, Karkat, and Dave move towards the front of the ship, while Equius, Kanaya and Terezi head into the rear. As Dave helps you up and through a hole in the side of the hull, Karkat speaks:

“These gangsters you fought,” He says. “What did they look like?”

 You describe Slick, Boxcars, Clubs, and Droog, being sure to include their violent tendencies and merciless attitudes. The three of you walk through the ship, traversing the lopsided hallway and steadily making you way towards what’s left of the control room.

“Doc Scratch said that they were exiles from The Great Sgrub Session that got in a fight with another gang called The Felt. They lost and afterward, Doc Scratch took them in.” You conclude. “I’m pretty sure they’re all dead.”

“Sgrub?” Dave echoes. “Wasn’t that your game?”

“It was.” Karkat admits with a grumble. “Apparently things from are session are still bouncing around out here, our exiles at least. Damn, this raises a lot of questions.”

“Like what?” You ask.

“Like what else could be out here that we just don’t know about.” He lists things off on his fingers. “There could be new lands, different species of aliens, whole complex civilizations living right next door to us and we’re too busy sniffing each other’s nubs to even notice what’s going on out there.”

“So you’re saying that pretty much anything is possible, right?” Dave simplifies. “Who knows what we could find floating behind that next piece of space junk?”

“Yeah, but does it really matter?” You point out. “We’ve had this plan since forever. We were going to reboot the game using The Scratch. Sure, things got in the way, a lot of things, but we’re still going through with that, right?”

“Depends if still actually _have_ The Scratch or not.” Karkat glares at you. “Leave it to Egbert to fly halfway across the medium and forget the one thing essential to our success.”

“John has it.” Dave nods. “Right, Bro?”

You bring the group to a stop outside the control room or bridge or whatever ship-ly terminology that you really don’t care about using properly.

“It should still be in here.” You explain, opening the door. “Doc Scratch did something with it. He used it to teleport us here in minutes instead of years.”

The main console is horribly mangled and twisted, still smoking slightly, and sparking red hot embers every once and a while. On the ground, next to the captain’s chair, lies the hammer you made using Vriska’s code. You pick it up, then move to investigate the consol, looking for the compartment which housed The Scratch.

“Come help me with this, Dave.”

Your friend joins your side and together the two of you tug a large, bent piece of metal out of the way and suddenly there it is, a gleaming, black disc housed in the heart of the console. You reach in and with a soft _click_ , pull it from the casing.

“Son of a spider-mom.” Karkat breathes, admiring the artifact as you hold it aloft. “You have it. Holy shit, you’ve finally done something right.”

“Well- I just knew where it would be.” You pass the disc to Karkat, who pockets it.

“Naw, man. You kept that thing safe for over a year. You’re a regular hero.” Dave punches you in the arm. “Come on. Let’s get out of this smoking heap. We have a lot of legit catching up to do.”

You nod, but as you turn to leave, you spot something through the shattered windshield, a prone form lying amongst the rocks outside. You grit your teeth.

“Come on!” You grab Dave by the arm and dash from the ship, Karkat follows.

“What? What is it?” Dave asks.

“Just come on.”

You lead them around the front of the ship and towards the crumpled body you’d seen. As you near the corpse, Dave lets out a low whistle and you hear Karkat gasp. The green suit is covered with black soot and dirt, the globular head is cracked, and one of the legs is missing, exposing a mess of fluffy white, cotton.

Dave pokes Doc Scratch’s head with the tip of his sword.

“He’s… a puppet.” He says, investigating the cotton stuffing that’s poking out of several rips. “Like seriously, this dudes a fucking puppet.”

“Really?” You ask, stooping for a closer look.

“Yeah, trust me. I know a puppet when I see one, man.” Dave shivers visibly.

Over the rocks, you can hear footsteps. Everyone turns to see Rose and a hobbling Jade coming towards you over the hill.

“Well, looky here.” Dave smirks. “The princess awakes from her slumber.”

He gives a low bow and Jade giggles.

“Rise sire, and deposit a kiss upon this fair maiden.” She tosses her hair over her shoulder and embraces Dave tenderly. Then the two of them begin to kiss.

This goes on for about five minutes.

To avoid watching the spectacle, you turn to Rose.

“Shouldn’t she be resting?”

“She wanted to see everyone.” She responds with a shrug. “And I wasn’t about to tell her _‘no’_ and risk dealing with all the pent-up, unmitigated energy that is Jade Harley.”

Dave and Jade separate and over her boyfriend’s shoulder, she spot’s Karkat.

“Hey there, Karkles.” She sings. “You don’t look a sweep past six. Come here, you.” And she pulls away from Dave to briefly embrace her alien friend.

“Uh, hey- Jade. You’re looking particularly comely.” He pats her on the back awkwardly. “I mean… I like your hair?”

You’ll have to tease Karkat about how uncomfortable he is around Jade, especially after all the shit he gives you on a regular basis.

“Haha. Thanks.” Jade flips her long braid again. “There’s just so much of it that I don’t know what to do with it anymore.” She looks to Rose. “You’re looking well kept though. How do you always manage to be so pretty, Rose?”

Rose shakes her head.

“I’m really not…” She catches herself, then changes direction. “Thank you, Jade.”

Apparently Rose isn’t used to blatant compliments, which is bullshit, considering all the nice things you’ve said to her in the past. Also, hasn’t she been chilling with her friends for a while now? Surely she’s picked up some people skills along the way.

“You’re welcome!” Jade squeals and hug-tackles her friend. “Ooooh. It’s so good to see you guys again.”

Rose opens her mouth to speak, but gets interrupted by the arrival of yet more people. Kanaya and Terezi come from the rear of the ship, followed by Equius who’s carrying a struggling, shouting, and probably cursing, Damara in his arms.

“We found her in the engine room, hiding inside a storage cabinet.” Kanaya explains. “Somehow she survived. She had _this_ too.”

She holds up Jade’s custom rifle and you ecto-sister snatches it back instantly.

“A girl’s best friend!” Jade squeals with joy, cradling the weapon like a normal girl would a newborn kitten. “I wondered where this had gotten off to. I thought the Midnight Crew had it.”

“The Midnight Crew?” Rose queries.

“I’ll explain later.” You tell her, and then turn to Kanaya. “You wouldn’t happen to speak Japanese, would you?”

“Japanese?” Kanaya questions curiously.

“Yeah… I didn’t think so.” You sigh and look to Damara next. She’s struggling in Equius’s grip, trying to kick him in the shins and reach a pair of needles pinned in the bun atop her head, wands no doubt. “Calm down.” You tell her. “He isn’t going to hurt you.”

She stops kicking and glares at you, unleashing a new slew of gibberish that’s tinged with malice.

“I don’t think she trusts you.” Kanaya comments.

“What was she doing in the engine room and how did she get my rifle?” Jade asks, stepping forward. “I dunno if _we_ should trust her either.”

“She saved my life back in the mansion.” You point out. “She helped us fight Doc Scratch.”

“She might have been trying to double cross us though.” Jade points her rifle at Damara. “Remember the last time you trusted someone just because they saved your life?”

Everyone looks at you questioningly after Jade’s words.

  
“Uh, we took some consorts with us.” You explain. “They saved my life at the battle of LOLAR and they ended up being evil turtles that tried to help Doc Scratch. I’m pretty sure they’re dead now too.”

“They are.” Jade growls. “And I don’t think it’s safe to keep around _another_ someone who we can’t understand, who we know nothing about, and who could turn on us at any second.”

“We can’t kill her though!” You move in front of Damara. “Jade, she _helped_ us.”

“And then what? She ran off on her lonesome to do god knows what with _my_ gun.”

“She could have been sabotaging the ship to stop it from reaching the meteor. Isn’t that what you wanted to do?”

“We can’t take chances like this, John. We’ve finally rejoined our friends and she might try and…”

“Shut up, both of you!” Karkat interjects, shoving you aside. He points to Damara. “You see those horns, that skin? Does she look _human_ to you? This girl is one of ours, and if anyone is going to doing anything with her, it’s gonna be us.”

“You don’t know anything about her!” Jade yells. “You don’t know where she came from! Who she is! Or what she has planned!”

Dave grabs Jade by the arm.

“Calm down, babe.” He says firmly. “Come on. Why don’t we go back to the temple together? You’ve had a rough day.”

“I’ve had a _rough_ year, Dave!” She pulls her arm out of his grip. “Do you have any idea what it was like to be alone for that long?”

“You had John.”

“I didn’t have _anyone_!” Jade looks around at the assembled group. “You had everyone and I just had a comatose brother and two stupid turtles who secretly hated my guts. It’s not fair! I made it and we’re here and no one is going to….” She trails off, looks around suddenly, examines every face in the group, and then looks back at Dave. “Hey. Where’s my Grandpa?”

You close your eyes and sigh. It was always a matter of time until _that_ question came up. You should have explained to her what happened a while ago, but you didn’t. Another failure on an ever-growing list of failures.

Before anyone can speak or even begin to explain, a low voice begins to laugh.

“Hohoho. Oh how dramatic this irony is.” All eyes look to Doc Scratch, whose head is rising feebly off the ground. “You think you’ve lost so much, but you haven’t even begun to approach your climax. You have no idea what’s in store for you, Miss Harley. “

He coughs and more stuffing bursts from a seam in his chest. Doc Scratch’s voice grows stronger.

“I’ve done what you’ve asked master. I know that is enough.” His head swivels to face the sky. He speaks in slow, drawn-out words: “The Black King is on his way. The Lord will rise from his ashes. The Heir shall die thrice more, once for love, another for pride, and finally out of mercy.”

He coughs again.

“Another traitor in your midst, one who will harm The Witch. The Knight will chose poorly and The Seer…”

There’s a loud _bang_ as Jade blows a hole in his head, silencing Doc Scratch once and for all. The white orb atop his shoulders shatters like glass and scatters over the dirt, more cotton erupts from his torso, and after a final twitch, he goes still.

“Wh- What was that about?” You ask nervously.

“Sounded like a prophecy.” Rose kneels next to his corpse. “He’s a puppet.”

“Yeah, that’s been established.” Dave mutters under his breath.

“Well, if that’s the case.” Kanaya says thoughtfully. “Then who’s pulling the strings?”

“He mentioned his master a whole lot, but never gave us an actual name.” You watch Jade warily. She’s staring at Doc Scratch’s corpse with pure loathing and you’re actually a little nervous about what she might do next. “It’s not Jack Noir though. He said that.”

“The Black King is on his way. My master will rise from his ashes.” Rose repeats slowly. “The Heir shall die thrice more, The Witch will be harmed by the traitor, The Knight will shall chose poorly, and The Seer… I wish I’d heard more.”

“No. You don’t.” Jade growls. “All he did was babble nonsense. He just made stuff up all the time. He was a liar, a cheat, and a villain. Good riddance.”

Karkat coughs into his fist, gaining everyone’s attention.

“Listen up. It’s been a pretty eventful and confusing day. We should all head back to the temple and get organized. We have The Scratch. We have The Needles. I really don’t see what’s holding us back from getting on with our plans.” He turns to Equius and points to Damara. “Put her in the pit for the meantime and keep an eye on her. We’ll figure out what to do with her eventually.”

“The pit?” You question. “What is that? It sounds awful.”

“It’s literally just a hole in the ground from when Eridan tried to kill us.” Karkat waves his hand vaguely. “She’ll be fine there for now.”

“What do you mean Eridan tried to kill you?” Jade turns to Dave. “What the hell are you guys talking about?”

Dave looks at you, then Rose, and after finding no help, he turns back to Jade. He sighs and takes her hand.

“Come on. I need to show you something.” He leads a very confused looking Jade back towards the temple. After a moment, everyone slowly follows, with Equius still dragging along a more subdued Damara.

The whole group walks in silence until Terezi speaks again:

“Fuh. I really hate cryptic prophesies. That guy really was a douchebag to drop that on us just before he got taken out. The last thing we needed was more BS to worry about.”

“From what we heard it’s nothing that we should concern ourselves with too much.” Rose placates her. “We always knew that Jack Noir, the black king, wasn’t finished with us and that John is bound to get himself killed more than once before all of this is over.”

“Hey!”

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

“Well… Yeah,” You rub the back of your neck. “You’re probably right…”

“Anyways, as I was saying.” Rose continues. “We’ve dealt with treachery before we’ll just have to be more vigilant in the future and protect Jade. Dave has never been one for wise choices, so no surprise there. I just wish I’d gotten to hear what he was going to say about me.”

“Nothing pleasant, no doubt.” Kanaya comments. “I believe that it’s better to leave the future a mystery. Would you really want to know how much danger is in store for you? You’d be left paranoid.”

“We don’t even know if that lunatic _was_ predicting the future!” Karkat throws his hands in the air in exasperation. “We can’t afford to get sidetracked by freaks like that. There’s much better-quality shit happening. We have what we need to reset the game so let’s just do it, alright?”

Everyone nods in agreement. You look over your shoulder towards the smoking wreckage of the ship, Doc Scratch’s corpse, and to the four-hundred and twenty two days you spent separated from your friends. You look forward then, towards the black temple and think about the future. Was Doc Scratch really telling a prophecy? What dangers lie in store for you?

“John?” Rose taps you shoulder. “You alright?”

“What?” You shake the thoughts from you head. “Yeah. I’m fine, of course.”

She looks at you with an eyebrow raised. It takes a moment for you to realize that she’s worried.

“Your thoughts were elsewhere.” She states. “Where’d you go, John?”

“Nowhere.” You smile and follow after her. “I’m here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the end of ACT 5 quickly approaching, I feel fine in saying that we've pretty much reached the half-way point in this story. So that begs the question: Should I split this story up into two parts? I dunno. I guess I'll just keep it as one. That's to be decided. I could make it a series :D
> 
> So I've been playing this video game called "Destiny" recently. It's this super underground indie game that you probably haven't heard of. Anyways, it's fucking ass-loads of fun! Seriously, if any of you have played it, then you know what I'm talking about ;) The story is essentially non-existent, but the game-play is reeeaaaaly good. I'm normally not very good at shoot 'em up games, but I'm having a blast with this one. I play on the PS4 and I'm currently a level twenty-two hunter if anyone is curious :3
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	45. ACT 5 - PART 6

=> Be Jade Harley

You are Jade Harley. I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Or something like that. You haven’t read _The Wasteland_ in a time.

You haven’t cried in a while either.

You stand over your Grandfather’s grave, with Dave’s arm around your shoulders. Silent tears run down your face as you stare at a grey rock, carved with the simple word: _‘Harley’_.

“He- wasn’t exactly young, was he?” You say rhetorically and wipe the tears from your face. “I mean, I always knew…”

Dave pulls you tighter.

“He didn’t act old. You should have seen him, babe. He climbed all over these hills, following me around, spouting nonsense about religion and character.”

You giggle, despite yourself.

“Yeah, that sounds like him. Haha.” You look along the line of other graves:  Mrs. Lalonde and Nepeta. “He could preach all day about whatever he wanted. At night, he never read me stories, he just talked. He told me about where he would go on his adventures and the stuff he’d see. He’d tell me how amazing everything is, you know?”

“Mhmm.”

You’re both silent for a moment, then you wrap your arms loosely around your boyfriend’s waste and speak into his shirt.

“How did this happen, Dave?” 

He sighs.

“Eridan didn’t die when John and Rose threw him into the Horrorterror Pit.” Dave explains quietly. “He found us and tried to kill us. He burnt Rose’s Mom to a crisp too.

“Did you stop him?”

“Rose did, and Kanaya. That bad-ass vampire bitch sliced him in half with a chainsaw.”

“Wow.” You breathe. “I would have liked to see that.”

“… Really?”

“Yeah. Fuck that guy.”

Dave shifts awkwardly against you.

“Jade, are you… okay?”

You pull your face out of his shoulder and look up to see your emerald eyes reflected in his dark shades. You mull over his question for a moment.

“No, but I will be. A small part of me always wondered if he would die before I saw him again.” You close your eyes trying to picture your old man. It’s a lot harder than it used to be.

“Yeah…” Dave sniffs loudly. “But, I mean… Are you _okay_?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. What are you trying to ask, Dave?”

He pulls away slightly, but maintains a firm grasp on your shoulder. His mouth is a thin line, and his face is as unreadable as ever. Still, you can’t help but feel put off by his next words.

“You sort of… killed that guy back there, Doc Scratch or whatever you called him. Now I know he was evil, but- I dunno. The look on your face sort of freaked me out.” He pauses for a second. “And then with Damara. You probably would have killed her too if John didn’t stop you.”

You grit your teeth.

“What are you trying to say? That I’m some type of murderous psycho now?”

“Of course not.” He exhales deeply. Apparently he was worried you’d take it this way. “I just want to make sure you aren’t… losing yourself or whatever. You get what I’m trying to say?”

You shrug his hand off your shoulder. Dave may act savvy in all the right ways, but he has a lot to learn when it comes to girls. Especially in reference to the right time to bring up stuff like this is. Now isn’t really the time or the place.

“Why don’t you use those fancy time-travel powers of yours to go back in time? That way you can see that I was _trying_ to protect the group, while everyone else was just standing around doing diddly shit.”

“I know what you were trying to do,” He raises his hand in a placating manner. “I get that, trust me. If I thought for a second that somebody was gonna hurt you, I’d slice them in half in an instant. I’m just worried that you might be…”

“That I might be what?! Dangerous, Evil, a cold blooded killer?” You growl. “You don’t have any idea what I’ve been through, Dave. I did what I had to do, Clubs, Boxcars, those turtles, they were all trying to hurt _us_. John and I would have died If I didn’t…”

He cuts you off by grabbing you by the shoulders, holding you still whilst he comes closer.

“Stop for a damn second. That’s not what I’m saying at all!” His fingers dig into your arm. “Fuh. Why is this so hard! Jesus, let me think for a second…”

He simply stares at you for a few moments, while you chew your tongue and fume silently. Sure, you sort of regret killing all those people on the ship. You didn’t want to do it, but then again, you’re the type of gal that gets stuff done. Maybe the reason you’re getting sort of defensive now is that you’re just surprised at how easy murder is? Maybe you’re worried about the purity of your soul too?

“I killed Nepeta.” Dave says eventually, catching you off guard. “I stabbed her right in the chest and watched her bleed out. She was working with Eridan and I did what I had to do to help my friends, to stay alive, and I feel… terrible.”

His face softens.

“I think about her all the time and Harley too. I wonder if there’s anything that I could have done to save them both. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the _wrong_ Dave.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, what if one of the other Dave’s back on LOLAR could have done a better job? What if another Dave could have saved _both_ of them?”

Now it’s your turn to reach for him. You’re arms wrap around his middle and you pull until you’re together once more, the way you’ve dreamed about for over a year now.

“Dave, that doesn’t matter. There’s nothing you or any other version of you could have done. I believe that with all my heart. I know my Grandpa was old. I… I never expected him to make it out of this…” You wipe your nose on Dave’s sleeve and instantly feel bad about it. Not bad enough to stop hugging him though. “And Nepeta made her choice when she decided to get back at you guys. You did everything _right_.”

“Still… I wonder….”

“Well don’t.” You grab either side of Dave’s face and force him to look at you properly. He’s a few inches taller, but that isn’t enough of a difference to cause problems. “There’s only one Dave I want and it’s the one standing right in front of me.”

You kiss him then and it’s a kiss of four-hundred days, a thousand pining thoughts, and a promise to never be apart ever again. With nimble fingers, you drag your nails through his hair and find the frames of his shades. You pull them off with little resistance. As you and Dave part again, you see him, _all_ of him, laid bare for you and you alone.

“You’re… beautiful.” You say, reaching up to touch his open face.

Dave catches you wrist and reclaims his shades.

“Yeah. Uh, thanks.” In the blink of an eye, he’s gone again. “I would prefer something a little more manly, but hey, I appreciate it nonetheless. You’re pretty easy on the eyes yourself.”

You open your mouth to say something, anything to open up that window again, but he’s still speaking.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I have something for you.” He speaks quickly, as if he might distract you. “Here, this belonged to Harley.”

From out of his pocket, he pulls a wristwatch. You recognize instantly that it did, in fact, belong to your late grandfather.

“Wow.” You take it gingerly. “I remember this. He was given this as a gift from the finest watchmaker in all of Europe. Do you see this symbol here?” You show him a carving on the back. “That’s the watchmaker’s signature. It’s written in Swedish though, so I don’t know what it says.”

“Cool.” Dave says, with mild interest. “I, uh… Sort of won it in a poker game right before Harley was killed. I think he’d want you to have it.”

You turn the watch over and over in your hand. It’s still warm from being in Dave’s pocket for so long.

“No. You keep it.”

“It’s not mine.”

“Well it’s yours now.” You grab his wrist and strap the watch on for him. “My Grandfather would never have parted with this watch unless he was leaving it with someone he trusted. He gave it to you, Dave, rather you believe that or not.”

He rubs the accessory, as wearing it is uncomfortable.

“This feels wrong.” He admits and you notice then just how tight the muscles in his neck are right now. You can only wonder to the sort of impact your Grandfather had on this young man.

“When’s the last time anything felt _right_?” You counter.

He chuckles and wraps his arm around your shoulders again. Together, the two of you walk towards the temple entrance.

“I dunno about you,” He says, nuzzling your neck. “But _this_ feels pretty right to me.”

And as another giggle bubbles from your lips, you can’t help but agree.

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. And man, all of this waiting better pay off as something really fantastic.

“Man,” You say, flopping down onto the ground next to John. “All this waiting better pay off to be something worthwhile.”

“I’m sure it will be.” Kanaya delicately sits down on your other side. “Now that we’re all together again, I doubt anything frivolous or stupid will happen.”

“Oh I wouldn’t be so certain about that. Hehe.” Terezi cackles. “We’re still _us_. That hasn’t changed yet.”

However, as you look around the assembled group, you can’t help but disagree. Everyone has changed in some way due their respective experiences during these months apart. Terezi and Equius have lost a friend in Nepeta and now seem to cling to everyone a little bit tighter.

You and Kanaya are… happier. If that sounds fair. Hell, you haven’t been this relaxed since you were probably a wiggler. Maybe all the blood she’s sucking out of you on an almost nightly basis is also a way to flush out your dark aura? If that’s true, then the pile that the two of you frequent must be coated in discarded, negative vibes.

The one damper on your Moirail party would probably be Rose Lalonde. The confusing looks still shared between her and Kanaya are pretty frequent. Although, after Kanaya saved Rose’s life, they’ve almost reverted to their old relationship before their short Matespritship.

They’re talking once again, which is tolerable, but there’s a sort of underlying tension that you wish was tangible enough to beat with a stick. You’re honestly sick of all the drama and angst.

Speaking of angst, it’s the humans that have probably changed the most. Not in a solely emotional way either, all of them are much older than you remember. John and Rose’s faces each have more lines around their eyes and forehead, while Jade and Dave…

Wait, where the hell are they?

“Where are Jade and Dave?” You demand, looking around the group. “Don’t they know we’re having a meeting?!”

Rose peeks around from John’s other side and addresses you in a bored voice:

“It would seem that they’ve both decided that catching up on all the missed _quality_ time together was of more importance than what is to be discussed here today.”

“Ugh.” You wrinkle your nose at her implications. “Fine. Whatever. We don’t need their horny dangly parts around here, dirtying up the place, anyways.” You turn to the group. “Let’s go through this one more time, okay?”

You pull The Scratch out of your pocket and set it down in the center of the group. You, Kanaya, Terezi, Rose, and John are the only ones here at the moment, with Equius watching Damara and Dave doing Jade elsewhere.

“We have this and…” You shove Aradia’s satchel into the center too. It falls over and spills Echidna’s Needles onto the ground as well. “And we have these too. Now, how do we use these to reboot the game?”

Kanaya clears her throat.

“Well, fist Jade will have to enlarge The Scratch back to its original size, then we use the Needles to scratch it. After that is finished, I should regain my powers as The Sylph of Space and, together with Jade, we should be able to use The Scratch and our Space powers to locate new players for the next session we are creating.”

“Okay, so these new players,” John interjects. “I’ve been wondering about this. Are we going to be pulling kids from their own planets and essentially blowing it up? Like, are we going to be destroying another world?”

“That is… uncertain.” Kanaya chews her lip. “As I’ve said many times, no one has ever attempted this before. It’s uncharted territory. Although there is a theory that a universe will be selected that is already doomed to be destroyed anyway.”

“So if anything, we’ll be giving the doomed universe a second chance.” Rose surmises. “Interesting conclusion. I can’t help but wonder what race of aliens will befall this unfortunate fate. Who will we be encountering next?”

“Will we even still be here?” Terezi asks, with concern.

“I assume so. It will be up to us to make sure the new players follow through.” Kanaya leans forward and picks up The Scratch, investigating it closely. “Our foremost concern, after rebooting the game, is who will be sent to find the new players.”

“What does that entail exactly?” Rose asks.

In response, Kanaya gets up and crosses the temple to retrieve a notebook from the colorful area that has been marked off as her own. When she returns, she sits down and begins flipping through the pages.

“It’s hard to remember exactly. Back when we were still hiding on LOWAS, I took notes on everything I could. I remember something about this process, but… Here.” She finds what she’s looking for and spends a few seconds reading the text. Everyone watches intently. “Okay. Essentially, it’s the Hero of Space’s job to serve as a link between the medium and this new universe. One player is able to use that link to travel to that new universe and interact with the populace there. Once they find a suitable player, they play SBURB, open up the first gate, and re-enter the medium…”

“With these new players in tow.” Rose finishes thoughtfully. “I suppose it isn’t as random as it seems. There must be some sort of system for picking out new players and for finding that iteration of SBURB.  Somehow everything was built into this game. It’s actually quite a complex and elegant system when you think about it.”

“Sure,” You roll you eyes. “It’s so hella elegant. I’ll be sure to remind you of how great this game is the next time we’re attacked by a super-powered freak. Let’s get to the point here: who’s going to be making the trip between dimensions?”

Everyone is silent.

“I’ll go.” John says, raising his hand.

“No.” Rose shakes her head instantly. “You’re in no condition to travel.”

“Actually it’s not about the physical wellbeing of the traveler.” Kanaya interjects, still studying her book. “It’s more mental than anything else.”

“Well then John definitely isn’t the right choice.” You add with a laugh.

Everyone with the exception of Terezi, who shrieks with laughter, gives you a searing glare.

“John is perfectly capable, mentally, of accomplishing anything.” Rose looks at you fixedly. “If anyone should be worrying about their mental stability, it’s you, Mr. _‘I scream the loudest therefore I am the most important’_.”

“Alright, alright, alright.” John gives both you and Rose the hand before you can snap back at her. “I get what both of you are trying to say, but really, I think I should be the one who goes. I can’t help but feel like everyone here is… sort of _my_ responsibility. Like, I know you all can handle yourself just fine, probably better than I can, but I don’t want to risk anyone else getting hurt. As your friendleader, I chose myself.”

“You’re gonna play that card?” You ask, incredulous. “John, you can’t just fall out of the sky after a year and suddenly decide that you’re going to tell us what to do again. I swear, the nerve of some of you assholes.”

Terezi laughs at your words, but is silenced by another glare from Rose. Apparently, she can smell glares now?

“Listen,” Terezi says, looking at you and trying to control her giggles. “I think John has the right to do whatever he wants. I mean, are any of you leaping at the chance to volunteer?”

No one speaks for a moment. Then Rose breaks the silence.

“Fine then.” She says firmly. “If you all are so dead-set on allowing John to risk his life again, then it will be _I_ who accompanies him to this new dimension. We are allowed to send two players, using both Jade and Kanaya as Hero’s of Space, after all.”

It seems like a fair decision to you. John and Kanaya, though, seem ready to argue, but before the words can even begin to formulate on their tongues. A voice speaks from behind you.

“No need for that, sister of mine.” Dave Strider smirks, shoving his way in between you and John. “If anyone is going to be watching John’s back in a strange new world, it’s gonna be Papa Dave and his trusty side kick: Sword McStabby.”

“Wait! I wanna come too!” Jade joins the circle, shoving you into Dave as she sits next to Kanaya. “What are we talking about?”

All the initial members of the group exchanges glances. Terezi tries to conceal her laughter, fails, and then speaks:

“Wow, guys. That was fast.” She giggles. “I didn’t think you were a two pump chump, Dave. Hehe.”

John and Rose laugh, even you quirk a corner of your lip at that one. Hey, you’ll poke fun at cool kid Strider any chance you get. Only, Dave, Jade, and Kanaya keep their composure, mostly out of confusion.

“What are you…” Jade beings. You can almost see the light bulb flicker on over her head. “Ugh! Gross! We weren’t screwing around, you jerks! He was showing me my dead Grandpa’s grave!”

Oh. That shut everyone up quick.

“So… How are you feeling?” Rose asks, leaning forward to look at her friend. “Are you sure that you don’t want to go rest for a while?”

“I’m fine.” Jade waves her hand, batting Rose away. “What are we talking about?”

“John is going to be traveling to an alternate dimension to recruit new players for our session. We were just discussing who would accompany him.”

“Oh! Well that’s awesome!” Jade looks to her ecto-brother. “You’re a perfect choice for this mission, John. If anyone can rally up people to come help us, it’s you!”

“Heh, thanks, Jade.” John smiles.

“And of course, _I’ll_ be the one to go with you!” Jade continues. “We’re the Dream Team!”

“No, Jade.” Kanaya sighs. “As a Hero of Space, you’re needed here to serve as a link between the dimension and the medium.”

“Which is why it’s Team Nice Dynamite who will be going through with this mission.” Dave raises his fist to bump with John’s. “Isn’t that right, Bro?”

John reluctantly pounds Dave’s fist and looks around the group nervously. Apparently he isn’t used to be the most popular guy in the room, with everyone scrabbling to be his travel buddy on this dangerous new journey.

You’re about to suggest that one of the trolls accompany John instead, then you remember how many of you there are left and how little you want to risk another one of your own. You hold your tongue and watch as Rose bickers with her ecto-brother.

“Do you really think that anyone you talk to will decide to uproot their life and accompany you on a dangerous journey to a realm of magic, monsters, and debauchery?” Rose jabs at Dave. “You’re personality is too abrasive. I bet you’ll be more of a hindrance to John than an asset.”

“Oh really? You wanna talk about abrasive personalities. I suppose when they see your cheery, smiling face these new players will be lining up to join us, right?” Dave responds. “Face it, Lalonde. Some of these new people are bound to be ladies and everyone knows that chicks are essentially putty in my hands.”

Everyone, Jade in particular, glares at him with contempt.

“But not in a sexually demeaning way, more like in the way a valued equal would treat someone they respect.” He continues. “Also I’m a much better fighter than you, Rose. If we get into trouble, then John’s gonna want me by his side.”

“Oh! Is that so?” Rose produces a wand and twirls it between her fingers. Colorful sparks dance before your eyes. “I seem to remember being able to use magic, Dave. As opposed to you, who simply pokes things with a sharpened piece of metal.”

“Time travel.” Dave responds. “I can motherfucking travel though _time_. What can you do? Besides serve as a particularly gloomy nightlight.”

“Alright, stop it.” John interjects, before Rose can speak. “Whatever you were going to say that’s rude, mean, or unhelpful. Just stop it now. If anyone gets a vote on who goes with me, I think it ought to be _me_.”

Both Rose and Dave fume silently, but concede John’s point as valid. That’s a shame. You were looking forward to watching them argue for the next couple of hours.

John looks between each of his friends, possibly sizing them up as to who would be the best companion. He chews his lip, rubs the back of his neck, and looks at you. You shrug, as unhelpfully as possible, and he sighs. Then, John speaks.

“Dave.” He sighs with a wave of his hand.

“WHOOOOOOOOH!!!” Dave yells, jumping to his feet. “Suck it, Lalonde!”

Rose ignores Dave and looks to John with an expression of pure shock on her face. Apparently she thought she was a shoe-in for this decision.

“John… I- what?” She proclaims. “How can you not pick me?”

“I- I think Dave…” John appears to wish more than anything else to just melt and disappear into the ground. “I think Dave would be… better?”

Rose’s eyes flash with fire and she stands up.

“Very well. I see how it is. If you’ll excuse me, I believe my presence is required elsewhere, a place where the number of testosterone-enriched males is well within the realms of tolerability.” She turns on the spot. “Goodnight everyone. I’ll see you in the morning.”

And with that, she stalks away.

Dave whoops again and throws an arm around John’s shoulder.

“The boys are back! The boys are back! The boys are [back](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwDQxz67ZxA)!”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re about to embark on another dangerous quest, mere hours after just finishing your last one.

No rest for the weary, amirite?

You’d barely slept at all last night, lying awake, staring up at the ceiling while Dave snored in the cot next to you. Thoughts just bounced around in your brain like racquetballs, creating too much disturbance and noise for you to be able to sleep peacefully.

You thought about Rose, how rude you were to her, how much she probably dislikes you now, and just how pretty she was as she stalked away from the group last night. Nothing is worse than a girl who looks sexy when they’re upset. Where is your motivation to do the right thing? And how can you possibly take her seriously when she’s mad?

Women, you’ll never understand them.

Anyways, you plan on making it up to her before you and Dave leave on your quest. Which raises another concern, what awaits you in this new dimension? Will there be humans there? How long will it take you to find the new players? Are you going to make any new friends?

More questions, a running theme in the sci-fi space opera that has become your life. God, if there’s one thing you fear more than anything else, it’s the unknown.

Speaking of which, Doc Scratch’s confusing prophecy seems to be hanging over your head like a dark rain cloud full of suck. You’re going to die three more times. What does that mean? Will you die for good on the third time or will you never die again aft er that and just live forever as some windy god?

Damn! You _really_ hate that cue ball-headed fuck for dropping that on you right before he kicked the bucket. And let’s not even get started on the rest of the crap he said. You think you’re head will explode from all the worrying you’re doing.

Kanaya was right: It’s best to leave the future a mystery, or else you’re doomed to live a life of paranoia.

As you tug on your pants and fumble sleepily with your belt, Jade peeks her head through the curtains surrounding your beds.

“Wake up, Boys!” She squeals. “Today the thing we’ve been planning on doing for as long as I can remember is finally going to happen!”

“Fugahh. A few more minutes, please.” Dave buries himself further in his pillows. “The universe can wait five more minutes for me to save it.”

Jade takes a running leap and lands on his back with a solid _wump_. Dave squeaks like dog’s chew toy and Jade giggles like a loon. The two of them tussle, while you awkwardly lace up your shoes and pretend not to watch. Eventually, the two come up for air with messy hair and red faces.

“Haha. You’re so warm.” Jade says, pressing her palm to Dave’s bare chest.

“I belive the word you’re looking for is… _hot_.” He wraps his arms around her. “Hey, Egbert. Give us a few minutes. We’re gonna… catch a few Z’s if you know what I mean.”

“No! We’re getting up!” Jade laughs, pushing Dave away from her. “Come on. Everyone is already waiting outside.”

She jumps out of Dave’s bed before he can grab her and after a quick wave to you, Jade disappears back into the temple again. Dave lets out a low whistle.

“If we get out of this, John. I’m gonna marry that girl.” He throws off his sheets and begins searching for his clothes. “Is that cool with you?”

“I don’t see why not.” You finish buttoning up your shirt and straighten the collar. “We’re practically family at this point anyways. Why not make it official?”

“My thoughts exactly.” After the two of you are finished freshening up the best you can, Dave leads the way through the temple and towards the rocky hills. “Are you sure that you’re ready for this?” He asks.

“Yeah. I think so.”

“Okay, good. I’m just wondering. You’ve taken your fair share of beatings recently from what I’ve heard.”

You nod.

“I’m not very good at Strifes, Dave.” You admit. “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

“Hey, me too. Maybe that’s why we get along so well?” Dave says. “We’re both just a couple of lovers.”

“…. That sounded kind of gay, dude.”

“Yeah. It did, didn’t it?”

You both ascend a hill and look down below. At the bottom of yet another crater, the whole group is huddled in a loose circle, waiting for you and Dave. Karkat steps forward when you approach.

“Finally, I was wondering what was taking you guys so long, Jegus.” He thrusts Aradia’s satchel into your gut. “Here you go, Egbert. As our fearless leader, you get to the honors.”

“Alright.” You decide to take Karkat’s words at face value. You’re too preoccupied with other things to put up with his bullshit at the moment. “Jade. Do you think you could…”

“No problem!” You ecto-sister pulls The Scratch out of the bag and sets it on the ground in the middle of the group. “You all might want to stand back.”

As everyone moves away from the epicenter, you make your way over to Rose, who’s conversing with Kanaya.

“Hey.” You cut in. “How’s it going- uh, ladies?”

Rose and Kanaya share a glance, and then descend into giggles. You have the uncomfortable feeling that they were just talking about you.

“We are well.” Kanaya nods with a small smile. “How about you, John? Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah. I think so, I’m sort of…”

“John!” Kanaya suddenly lunges forward, cutting you off by grabbing a fistful of you coat. “What have you done to this blazer?!?”

“I- er,  What?”

“Do you know how hard I worked on this? Now it’s covered with blood and dust and ugh.” She picks at your ruined coat disdainfully. “Do you not appreciate gifts, John? Is that it?”

“What? No! I just… a lot of stuff happened and this is a really comfy coat and- I’m sorry.” You sigh.

“As you should be. You don’t see Rose gallivanting around in her evening dress, do you?” Kanaya crosses her arms. “Sometimes I wonder where your head is, John Egbert.”

You turn to Rose, who has yet to speak and is pointedly staring down towards Jade and The Scratch.

“Yeah,” You mumble. “Me too.”

Just then, a flash of green light illuminates the crater and you turn around just in time to see The Scratch multiply in size right before your very eyes. After the Beat Mesa has grown back to proper proportions, Jade bows twice and everyone claps politely as they make their way back towards the center. As Kanaya goes ahead, you lash out and take Rose by the hand.

“John.” She quirks an eyebrow. “What is it?”

“I want to apologize for last night.” You say quickly. “I don’t think Dave is better than you, at anything really, but I really need you to stay and take care of things.”

Her eyebrows knit dangerously.

“If you think I’m immature enough to think that excluding me from this mission is enough to sour my mood, then you are sorely mistaken.” She speaks curtly. “And what, may I ask, is so dire that I must be left behind to manage?”

“Just, er- everything, I guess.” You gesture around the group. “You heard what Doc Scratch said. Jack Noir is coming and if he’s here before we get back, then it’s up to you to defend the group.”

“Is that the only reason you chose Dave over me?”

“Yes.” You say instantly, but when Rose’s eyebrow rises towards her bangs again, you break. “Ugh… no.”

“Then what is the real reason?”

You sigh, kick at some dirt, and rub the back of your neck.

“I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“And you think leaving me here to face Jack Noir is paramount to keeping me out of harm’s way.”

“No, but at least when you’re here you don’t have to worry about me fucking something up and getting you hurt.” You blurt. “Here, you have Jade and Equius and Kanaya and other people who can keep you safe. If you come with me then… Look, I just know that I can’t do that.”

Her eyes soften.

“John. That’s so incredibly sweet, but so horrifically stupid. Do you really believe that…”

“Hey, asshats! Come on! Shit’s happening!” Karkat yells from next to The Scratch.

Rose closes her eyes, exhales deeply, and then turns to Karkat.

“Shut your hole for a second! We’re having a talk!”

“What are you talking about!?” Terezi calls. “Relationship stuff?! Hehe!”

“No! But it’s just as serious, so can you give us a minute?!”

“We need to do this now!” Jade yells. “I have to pee!”

“You should have gone before we started this!”

“You should hurry up whatever you’re doing so that we can finally do this thing!”

“I will if you give us a little privacy!”

“If you want privacy you should go FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF!” Karkat roars. “GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE, RIGHT NOW!”

Rose tugs on your hand sharply and pulls you towards The Scratch.

“We’ll finish this later.” She says over her shoulder. “I don’t want you to think of yourself in that way anymore, John. I won’t have it.”

“Alright.” You nod and try not to stare at her fingers, wrapped tightly in yours and with nails painted that familiar, glossy black. “That sounds good to me.”

Rose rejoins the group at the bottom of The Scratch, while you climb atop the structure with Aradia’s satchel in your hands. Once you’re on top, you pull out Echidna’s Needles and position them at the end of a long line, from the edge of the giant disk to the middle, where the original Needle had left its mark before it’ interruption. Damn, that was a long time ago.

“Alright, is everyone…”

“FUCKING DO IT ALREADY BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND DO I WITH YOUR FACE!!!”

“Okay, okay. Jeez Louis.”

With a mighty strike, you stab downward with one of the needles and it sinks into the dark surface of The Beat Mesa like a hot knife through butter. Slowly, you begin to drag the needle towards the opposite edge of the disc, whilst color and heat flood from the crack in brilliant rays of light.

It’s hard work. The needle is a lot harder to pull than it is to stab, and to move with enough speed and efficiency to make this work, you have to walk in this weird slouch/hunched shuffle. Not to mention the needle is steadily getting hotter and hotter in your fist. If you don’t finish this quickly, you’re worried you might burn your hand.

Soon enough, you make it to the far edge of The Scratch and with a final tug, you reset the game.

Light erupts from the center of The Scratch and shoots in a long beam directly into the sky. After a moment of silence, everything takes on a blue-ish glow and then a loud _boom_ shakes the whole structure, threatening to throw you to the ground.

And then, with a small _pop_ , The Scratch disappears. You catch yourself before hitting the ground and float safely to your friends atop the breeze.

“Fancy light show.” Dave comments as you touch down by his side. “But did it work?”

“See for yourself.” Jade points towards where The Scratch used to be.

Now at the bottom of the crater and a few yards away from the group, is a large white circle, the exact same size of The Scratch, burnt into the ground. It looks like solid marble and you can see ethereal lights dancing within the circle’s perimeter.

“It’s a gate.” Kanaya explains simply. “As long as we remain inside, you should be able to travel between the medium and back again.”

The female troll leads the way into the circle. As soon as you cross the border, you feel warm and a little floaty. As if you’re in danger of floating towards the sky at any second. When you pick up your feet though, nothing happens and you’re left feeling a little foolish.

Kanaya snaps her fingers and a spark of green energy spirals from her hand.

“It appears I was correct, my abilities as a Hero of Space have returned to me.” She turns to you and smiles. “Congratulations. We did it.”

“Step one, sure.” Karkat smacks you on the shoulder. “Now it’s time for step two, right?”

“Right.” You nod. “Dave?”

“Ready when you are.” He gives you a thumbs-up.

“Alright then,” Kanaya cracks her knuckles. “Everyone but John, Dave, Jade, and I need to get out of the circle.”

Equius, Terezi and Karkat wave at you and Dave before exiting. You turn to Rose, intent on giving some final, profound speech, but she surprises you by popping up on her tiptoes and giving you a small peck on the cheek.

“Try not to die, okay?” She says seriously. “It’s rather disturbing how much time your heart spends not pumping blood.”

You merely nod as you face burns with the heat of a thousand green suns. Rose smiles mischievously, waves to Dave, and follows everyone else out of the ring. Kanaya grabs you roughly by the shoulder and shoves you to the ground.

“Jade.” She commands with clipped tones. “Do as I do, but with Dave.”

The pretty troll sits down, cross-legged, in front of you and you quickly assume the same pose, facing her. She reaches out and pulls your hands into her lap, holding them tightly.

“Something funny?” She asks coldly, catching your stupid grin.

“What? Oh, no. I just… Your hands are soft.”

You are stupid.

“Oh, well… thank you, John. You’re sweet to say that.” She tightens her grip further. “Okay, Jade. Just focus on your connection with Dave. The portal will do the rest. You’re going to have to concentrate on projecting your energy out into space… or something like that. The instructions are quite vague.”

“Right.” Jade says from your left. Her and Dave are holding hands like you and Kanaya, although less awkwardly.  “Focus on my energy. Got it. Project into space. Teleportation. Suns and Stuff. Space.”

She’s muttering under her breath, random nonsense that makes no sense. Her eyes are squeezed tight and judging by Dave’s pained expression she’s also crushing his fingers with all the concentration that’s happening at that moment. You turn back to Kanaya.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” She asks.

“Yeah. I am.”

“Alright then. Try to relax.” She closes her eyes and hums softly.

At first nothing happens. You just feel kind of silly, holding Kanaya’s hands and sitting in a giant circle of milky rock with vaporous energy floating around you on an intangible wind. Then, a strange prickling sensation starts in your fingertip from where you and Kanaya are linked, almost like the feeling you get when you cut off circulation to your hand or something, although a little more painful.

To you left, you hear Dave gasp and you expect he’s feeling the same thing. Both Jade and Kanaya have started to glow with a dull green tinge and you grit your teeth as the prickly feeling moves up your arms and into your chest.

“Ooooh. Shiiiiiiiit.” Dave gasps and you have to agree.

Oh shit.

Green fills your vision. You hear something, a muffled scream and the sound of a thousand panes of glass shattering at once, and then everything is silent.

You can’t see or hear anything and for a moment, you’re worried that whatever spell they were casting didn’t work and that you were instead cast into a void where nothing exists, no time, no space, just _you_ and your thoughts.

It’s a fate so unimaginably horrible that you almost begin to panic.

Then you hear Kanaya’s voice in your head.

 _“Stay calm. It will be over soon.”_ She says. _“Hopefully…”_

Sure enough, a second later, you wake up.

**END OF ACT FIVE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus ends Act 5. Shorter than Act 4, just as long as Act 2 and twice as rock n' rolling as Act 3. Next time in John: Try to understand, John meets some really horrible people, busts some sweet moves, and finds true love? Wha-wha-wha-wha-Whhhhhaaaat?
> 
> Check in Thursday ;)
> 
> Happy Birthday to Chris! (fucking shout-out 2.0, amirite?)
> 
> Thanks for reading. Watch The Walking Dead. Love Lauren Cohan.  
> \- Mike


	46. ACT 6 - PART 1

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently experiencing a deep sense of depression after saying goodbye to your friends once again. You’d only seen John for about a day and talked with him for much less than that before he had to run off on another mission, with Dave Strider in tow.

You stand on the rim of the white circle and watch as Kanaya and Jade use their powers as Hero’s of Space to teleport the two young men towards an unknown destination. This whole trip seems rather hastily thought out to you.

What if something dreadful awaits your friends on the other side? How can either John or Dave be adequately equipped to handle the infinite possibilities of Paradox Space? The simple answer is that they cannot be.

Maybe the best way to test the waters is to just jump right in?

Regardless, as you watch John’s shoulders relax and his hands slacken in Kanaya’s grip, you can’t shake the feeling that this might be the last time you’ll ever talk to him. What were your last words to him?

_“Don’t die.”_

You very quickly need to find some wood to knock on.

“Well, I guess that’s it.” Karkat dusts some dirt from his pants. “What should we do while we wait for them to get back?”

You shrug.

“I don’t know, but if I had to guess, we just go back to what we were doing before John and Jade arrived.”

“So nothing?”

“Essentially.”

“Wonderful.” Karkat scowls. “I spent over a year waiting for Egbert to show up, now I have to wait Gog knows how long again. I suppose that’s life, huh?”

“I suppose it is, although this time it’s different.” You assure him. “This time we have hope.”

“Hope,” Karkat scoffs. “I’ve almost forgot what that feels like. Let’s just _hope_ John Egderp and Dave _Fucking_ Strider can pull through on this one or else we’re totally fucked up slime creek.”

“Don’t worry. You should know by now that you can trust them.”

He turns away without answering, although you’re nearly certain that you hear a mumbled _‘I do’_ under his breath. It just might be the wind though and either way, you feel like that’s a good place to leave the discussion.

“Equius,” Karkat waves to his friend. “Get back to the temple. You’re on Damara watch again for the foreseeable future.”

“But I have work to do to in my lab.” The large troll protests.

“Well whatever it is, it can wait.” Karkat looks to Terezi next. “You stay out here with these chumps,” He jabs a thumb towards the group inside the circle. “And make sure they don’t… I dunno, blow up or something equally horrible. I honestly vaguely understand what’s going on over there.”

Terezi salutes.

“You got it, Captain. Tehe.”

Karkat turns back to you last and pauses mid-command, with his finger pointed at your chest. You raise an eyebrow slightly and smirk, waiting for him to order you around.

“Rose, just do whatever it is the hell you usually do. I really don’t care at the moment.” And with that, he turns on his heel and accompanies Equius towards the temple, grumbling all the way.

“That means he likes you.” Terezi comments with a light laugh. She taps with her cane over to a nearby rock and takes a seat, facing the glowing circle and the occupants within. “He’s working on saying _‘good job’_ and _‘thank you’_ , but it’s slow going.”

“Well as they always say: you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” You take a seat next to her. “Do you know if Kanaya and Jade will have to stay with John and Dave the whole time they’re in transit?”

“Psshh. I don’t know anything about what’s going on.” Terezi sniffs the air. “All I do know is that everything smells like old milk now and tastes like bad news.”

“How can something taste like bad news?”

Her long tongue slithers from between her lips and wiggles in the air like a thin, grey snake.

“I dunno.” She replies, reeling in her tongue like a retractable tape measure. “But it just does.”

This was the last thing you wanted to hear. If there’s one thing you don’t need, it’s another log on your steadily growing flame of paranoia. This whole plan only seems worse and worse as time goes on. You have half a mind to run into the circle and break the ritual.

What happens next doesn’t help either.

“Hey.”

A new voice draws your attention away from the ring. You turn and see Dave, crouching on rock behind you. He’s wearing different clothes than the Dave inside the circle, dark pants and a red jersey with a strange symbol on his sleeve that resembles a simplistic house.

You recognize the rune as the same stylized house that appears on the cover of SBURB.

“Listen closely,” Dave continues before you can speak. “I need you to make sure that John gets this.”

He holds out a piece of paper and you obediently take it. The small square of white is inscribed with a hastily scribbled message:

_“The Bulge of St. Tommy_

_8675 Jenny Ln._

_Roxy - xoxo”_

Under the message are another rendition of the house symbol and a black lipstick stain, as if a woman had kissed the parchment. That’s a little redundant in your opinion, considering the _‘xoxo’_ already in the message above.

Who is Roxy? There’s only one woman you know that went by that name and you doubt she’s one and the same. Unless…

“Dave-” You look up, but find that your ecto-brother is gone.

“Huh? Rose did you say something?” Terezi asks from you side.

You examine the paper again, flipping it over and over, looking for another message or an explanation of some kind. There’s nothing though, just the strange address, the kiss, and the name: _Roxy_.

“We’ve just gotten a message.” You get to your feet. “Hold on a moment. I’ve got to deliver this.”

You enter the circle and feel the strange sensations of the ring fill your chest with a sudden airiness. Jade and Dave seem to be in silent trances, but Kanaya is mumbling under her breath, apparently conversing with John telepathically with her eyes closed.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. It might be dangerous. Why don’t you try…” She trails off and opens her eyes. Apparently she sensed your approach. “Hold on a moment, John.” She fixes her gaze on yours. “What is it, Rose? This is a critical time in the rebooting process.”

“I have a message.” You say, holding up the paper. “It’s for John, from Dave.”

Kanaya looks over to where Dave and Jade are still linked and then looks at you quizzically.

“Dave from the future, at least I think.” You clarify. “He said that John needed to receive this message.”

“… Okay, then?” Kanaya nods to the floor by her side. “Leave it there, please. I’ll pass it on.”

You stoop and carefully place the paper down where Kanaya can clearly see it. Judging by the way your former Matesprit goes back to focusing on John, you deduce that she most likely expects you to leave. However, you have a few questions that you would like answered.

“Kanaya, if you have a moment. There are some concerns about this process that I would like to have addressed.” You say.

She looks back at you, a little exasperated and a little upset. You just notice the beads of sweat forming on her brow.

“Fine.” She snaps. “But make it quick. We’ve barely gotten started and I’m already feeling the effects of stress on my abilities. I haven’t been the Sylph of Space for a long time, I’ll have you know.”

“Very well. I suppose my most prominent question is how long this is going to take and whether or not you’re forced to remain here throughout the whole process?”

“As long as John is out of the medium, I will need to stay here and serve as his link between dimensions. Same goes for Jade with Dave. As for how long this is going to take,” A small grimace twists her face. “Well that depends on them, doesn’t it?”

“I’ll make sure that you and Jade are cared for.” You nod. “Let me know if you need anything, okay? So far you’re doing a good job.”

“Yes.” Kanaya closes her eyes once more. “Let’s just hope that this is enough. Are there anymore questions? Or can I get back to business.”

“Business.” You say, turning to leave.

Terezi is still sitting on the rock when you return.

“What is going on?” She asks. “And I could totally smell the sexual tension from all the way over here.”

“I’ll explain later,” You sigh, pressing the heels of your hands into your eyes. “And please refrain from making comments like that. There is absolutely no sexual tension between me and Kanaya presently.”

“Then why are you all sweaty?”

“Because…” With another sigh, you gaze back into the circle. “Because I’m pretty sure we’ve made a terrible mistake.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re having a rather rude awakening.

“Hey. Get up, kid.” Something nudges you in the ribs. “Get your ass up.”

Groaning, you force your eyes to open. You’re lying on a hard, flat surface. Your whole body feels tingly and there’s an unnatural chill to your bones that causes you to shiver. Once again, something bumps into your ribs.

“I know you’re awake. Don’t ignore me.”

You roll onto your back and look up into the grizzled face of a man.

“Wha? Who are you?” You ask, looking up at him.

“My name’s Business. As in: Noneofyour Goddamn Business.” The man descends upon you and grabs you by the lapels. “This here is _my_ alley. Find your own damn place to sleep, you good for nothing freeloader.”

Before you can react or even formulate words to defend yourself, the man hauls you to your feet and tosses you to the side. You collide with a wall and stumble forward to fall on your hands and knees.

People. There are people _everywhere_.

You gape, looking up from your position on the ground to see buildings. Huge, glittering skyscrapers surround you on all sides, stretching all the way up to the heavens. People: men, women, and even a few children walk on the sidewalk across the street and around your prone form, going about whatever business they please.

“Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.” You stammer, climbing to your feet amongst the throng of strangers. “I’m sorry.”

No one responds, although a few people toss you quizzical looks as they pass by. You force yourself through the crowd and towards the street, stopping just on the curb as a large bus drives races by.

“Holy shit.” You mutter. “It worked.”

_“Of course it worked.  I mean, why wouldn’t it? I wasn’t worried at all.”_

“Kanaya?”

_“John.”_

You blink a few times, clearing your vision. It feels as if you’re dreaming. There is simply no way that you’ve been tossed back into civilization like that and there’s no way that a little Kanaya is now living in your head.

 _“What is it?”_ She asks. _“What do you see?”_

“People.” You answer and you join the crowd, walking in no direction in particular. “Humans, a whole lot of them.”

 _“Oh._ ” She sounds a little disappointed. _“Well, I guess that’s positive. You’ll be able to blend in at the very least.”_

“Yeah…” Another, tall stranger bumps into you as they rush by, jostling you slightly. You’re about to mutter another _‘excuse me’_ , but the man’s already disappeared ahead.

That’s a little rude of him, in your opinion, but now that you look at it, nearly everyone on the street is walking quickly. No one talks to one another, with the exception of a few parents shepherding children.

 You find yourself staring at the little guys as they laugh and smile and just be kids mostly. A woman gives you a strange look when she notices your gaze and you just smile at her.

“Is something wrong?” She asks, putting an arm around her young son.

“Uh, no. Everything is awesome.” You grin.

“Okay then…” She steers her kid away, casting curious glances in your direction.

 _“I’m sorry. Did you say something?”_ Kanaya asks in your head.

“Not to you.” You spot another alley, like the one you woke up in, and duck into it to get away from the crowd. “I’m a little confused right now, Kanaya. I haven’t seen so many people in my life!”

_“I bet it’s all very exciting, but you need to stay focused. I don’t know how long Jade and I can maintain this connection. You need to find the players.”_

“Oh, man.” You lean against the wall and watch the river of people as they flow by. “I don’t even know where to begin. There’s so many people.”

_“Start with the basics. Is there anyone around your age? How are these people dressed? Does anyone stand out?”_

Now that she mentions it, there’s absolutely _no one_ that’s particularly eye-drawing. Everyone is dressed pretty nondescriptly in suits or dresses and they’re all walking with the same rushed, serious manner. The scene reminds you of a bunch of worker ants walking in a line and carrying leaves towards their hive. The comparison makes you feel a little uncomfortable.

“I don’t think I’ll just be able to pull someone off the street.” You admit. “I’ve never been in a big city like this. I need to get my bearings.” Looking up, you spot a ledge near the top of one of the surrounding buildings. “I wonder if my windy powers still work here…”

 _“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. It might be dangerous. Why don’t you try…”_ Her voice trails off. _“Hold on a moment, John.”_

You wait patiently while Kanaya does… whatever it is she’s doing. There’s plenty to occupy your attention for the time being.

Out, past the sidewalk full of people, cars race by on the street in multi-colored blurs. You spot a bus full of children, a food truck that sells something called _‘cheezebuns’_ , and a large, grey van that seems oddly out of place amongst the other vehicles.

A flash of light catches your attention and you look up to see a billboard across the street that’s advertising random things like food, clothes, and some band called: _Sister Midnight_. If you had to take a stab in the dark, you’d assume that you’d been transported back to earth. Hell, the only difference between this place and your home town are the number of people.

The streets are packed!

You bet Dave is having a much better time navigating this concrete jungle than you are presently.

Oh shit. Dave!

“Kanaya.” You speak quietly under your breath. “Kanaya!”

_“Yes! What? What? What is it!?”_

“I don’t know where Dave is.”

There’s a long pause. You watch as a bright orange sun casts long shadows down your alley. It must be almost nightfall. Maybe all these people are in a hurry because they’re leaving work?

Eventually Kanaya speaks.

_“Okay… Okay, I don’t really know what to do about that. I’ll talk to Jade in a second and find out if Dave made it or not. In the meantime, you’ve got a message from… from someone.”_

“Alright, what’s the message?”

_“You’re probably going to have to write this down. I was only told to make sure that you got this. I assume you’re going to need this information as it is written exactly.”_

“Uh, okay.” You don’t have a pen or paper with you at the moment. So that might be a little easier said than done. “Give me a minute”

_“Fine. One minute.”_

You step out of the alley and rejoin the crowd. Standing on your tiptoes, you scan the immediate area and find what you’re looking for at the end of the next block. It’s a small corner store that looks like it could be a part of a major chain. It’s also full of people, so you take that as a good sign.

Fighting your way to the door, you push your way inside and make a bee-line for the counter.

“Excuse me, Sir.” You wave down the clerk, whose busy organizing packets of cigarettes behind the counter. “I was wondering if I could burrow a piece of paper and a pen for a second. I just need to write something down. It’s _really_ important.”

“Eh, sure.” Without turning around, he points towards a cup next to the register that holds about a dozen pens.

You snatch one at random and grab a sheet of tissue paper from the counter as well.

“Alright Kanaya, what’s the message?”

_“It says: The Bulge of St. Tommy, 8675 Jenny Lane, Roxy xoxo, and then there’s a picture of a house and a kissy mark.”_

“A what?”

_“A kissy mark.”_

“What the hell is that?”

_“It looks like someone kissed the note.”_

You shrug and try to write down the address. The pen is out of ink so you grab another one. The second is also dry, as well is the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth. Eventually you dump all the useless pens on the counter in frustration.

“Excuse me, Sir.” You signal the clerk again. “But do you have any pens that work?”

With an enormous sigh, he slams a pack of smokes onto the self and wheels to face you.

“What the hell do I look like? Fucking Mr. Papermate?” He pulls a permanent marker out of his pocket and hurls at your forehead. You’re a little late on the duck, so the projectile beans you right between the eyes. “Take your important notes and get out of my store, you freeloader!”

You don’t need to be told twice, snatching up the marker from where it landed on the floor, you dash from the store and collide with people on the street.

“Watch where you’re going, kid!”

“Out of my way, you shitty piece of shit.”

Men and women, even a few kids curse at you as you accidentally bump into them. Shoving your way through the very angry horde of bad mouthed douchebags, you manage to find a spot free of pedestrians to catch your breath.

“Oh my golden rings.” You gasp, leaning against a lonesome streetlight. “Everyone here is a total asshole!”

_“You volunteered for this, John. Now do I need to repeat the message or do you have it?”_

“Repeat it, please.” You balance the napkin and marker on your knee. “The sooner I get out of this shitty town the better.”

Kanaya describes everything about the note in detail and you do your best to copy everything exactly the way she wants you to. You even spend a few precious seconds drafting a good kissy mark. When you finish, you examine the note in its entirety.

“You recognize this house symbol, right?” You ask. The symbol is exactly the same as the one on the cover of SBURB.

 _“Of course,”_ Kanaya answers. _“Although I have no idea what it means in the context of that note.”_

“Well, okay then.” You look above your head to the streetlight and read the name of the street on the sign posted there. “If I had to guess, I need to find someone named Roxy at The Bulge of St. Tommy.”

_“Do you think you can manage that?”_

You spin in a slow circle and once again examining your immediate surroundings. A bright neon sign catches your attention. In pink curvy letters it reads: ‘The Bulge of St. Tommy’.

“Yeah. I think so.” You smile and start towards the doors underneath the sign.

Maybe things are starting to go your way? Seriously, what are the odds that you’d wake up on Jenny Lane and instantly find the building that you’re looking for? There are definitely some otherworldly powers at work here.

You approach the doors of The Bulge and push them open. Immediately you are blasted with a wall of pure sound that threatens to knock you off of your feet, sort of like that stupid Dad in that one Twisted Sister music video.

You know the one. That Twisted Sister music video where the Dad is being all evil and obnoxious, so the son just plugs in his electric guitar and uses the power of rock to blow him out the window.

Damn, you miss the 80’s, even though you were born well in the 90’s. Le sigh.

Anyways, you force your way into The Bulge, which you can clearly realize now to be one of the swankiest clubs you’ve ever seen. Young adults, all around your age, are gyrating like a bunch of hooligans on the dance floor in a big, raging mob of hormones. You stay clear of the cesspool and make your way towards the bar on the far side of the fine establishment.

Navigating the space is way harder than you first thought it would be. No true light source of any kind exists within the walls of The Bulge, leaving the club to be illuminated solely by the power of glow sticks and strobe lights. You’re eyes are already fucked up enough without this bullshit and by the time you make it  to your destination, you’ve banged your knee on five different stools and got cussed out by six different people.

“Kanaya.” You gasp. “I think I’m in hell.”

_“Ah! Jegus, John. There’s no need to shout. I can hear you just fine.”_

“Oh.” You lower your voice until you can no longer hear it over the music. “Sorry.”

Squeezing yourself between two sweaty people, you try to wave down the pretty girl whose serving drinks behind the bar. After three minutes of waving, two minutes of shouting, and a final minute of wild gesticulations, she finally notices you.

“What do you want?” She asks, leaning on the counter.

“I’m looking for someone.”

“This isn’t lost and found, sorry.” Then, before you can even open your mouth again, she moves away to someone else.

“No. Wait!” You call, but she either doesn’t hear you or just flat out ignores you. “Gah! Why does everyone in this town suck?!”

“I dunno, man. But if I had to tell you, I’d say it’s because of these damn foreigners.” A young guy to your right turns to face you. “Welcome to Rainbow Falls, brother.”

Great. The only person who’s relatively nice to you here is a huuuuge racist. Oh well, you’ll take what you can get.

“Uh, thanks?” You give him a small nod. “Listen, do you have a second? I really need some help with something.”

“Sure. What can I do you for?” The man leans closer as you fish the note out of your coat pocket.

“I need to find a girl named Roxy and I think she’s supposed to be…” Suddenly the man grabs you by the arm and squeezes your bicep tightly.

“Wh- Where did you get that?” He stammers, wide-eyed and pointing towards your note.

“Uh… A friend? Why? What’s wrong?”

He jabs a finger at the small, house symbol that you drew under the address. It’s an exact replica of the one on the cover of SBURB and identical to the one Kanaya described.

“What are you? An idiot? That can get you into a lot of trouble, man.” He glares at you with an abrupt intensity. “Ah, shit. You aren’t a sympathizer, are you?”

“A what?” You ask. Suddenly you understand nothing.

“Look. I don’t want any trouble. Just stay the hell away from me, okay?” And with that, the guy turns his back on you and pretends to be interested in something on the other side of the bar.

You stare at his back for a moment, completely stunned. For a moment, you’re dead-set on tapping his shoulder and demanding that he explain himself, but then again, he was kind of an asshole and you don’t want any trouble either.

With a sigh, you push away from the bar and make your way across the room. The dance floor occupies a lot of the open space, with the bar and the DJ booth filling up the rest. However, against the back wall, a set of stairs leads up to what looks like a second floor. Without much of a plan in mind, you work your way there, sliding between groups of dancing teens along the way.

You’re nearly there when someone bumps into you violently.

Already frustrated with this rotten situation, you’re ready to dish out some old fashion manners, until you look at who collided with you that is.

“Oh, sorry about that! I get a little carried away sometimes. Haha!” It’s a girl. A _very_ pretty girl.

At least, you _think_ she’s pretty. It’s hard to tell with this terrible lighting. Her hair is shoulder-length and brightly blonde. Her curvy frame is covered with a mini skirt and black stockings combo, plus a white sweater tight enough to make the gayest man cry and the straightest woman weep. You’re suddenly ten times as uncomfortable as you once were.

She must sense this.

“You look _really_ uncomfortable.” She laughs, dancing by your side the whole time. “First time, huh? It’s alright. You just gotta jump in and feel the groove!”

“Yeah. That sounds nice.” You try to move around her, but she’s currently blocking your way with a fierce krumping routine.

“What’s your name, Hon?” She asks, as she pops and locks.

“Uh…” What is your name? How does she move like that in a skirt that short? “My name is John,”

“Well, _John_ , how about a dance?”

“Oh. I dunno. I’m sort of in the middle of something and I’m not a very good dancer.”

“Have you ever tried?”

“Tried what?”

“ _Dancing_ , John! Have you ever tried dancing?”

“Well… Yeah, I’ve been to a dance before, but it was a little more formal than this and the people were… different.”

“Dancing is all the same! If you feel the beat, then you can do it!”

You really don’t have time for this, but the way she’s looking at you, with those big, pink eyes, makes you want to do just about anything to impress her. Is there anything wrong with a little dancing? You could pop a few jokes, make her laugh, who knows? You might even make a new friend.

So far, she’s the nicest person in this whole dimension. Not to mention, she might know something about this Roxy you’re looking for.

“One dance can’t hurt, right?”

“WHOOOOOOOH!!! Of course not!  Come on!” She waves her hand, and like the little, lost puppy that you are, you follow her onto the floor.

Predictably, you are horrible at dancing. For some reason though, this girl doesn’t care. In fact, every time you screw up, brilliant, tinkling laughter erupts from her painted lips and buzzes around in your ear drums, filling you with a bizarre euphoria.

“Yeah, John! Yeeaah!” She shouts watching you fumble horribly. “You’re a natural!”

“Really?” You ask, as you perform The Carlton.

“No!  Absolutely not!” She giggles and grabs your arms, bringing you to a grinding halt. “Please stop, you’re embarrassing yourself.”

You laugh and she laughs too and suddenly you don’t feel all that stupid or lost.

“I’m sorry.” You chuckle. “I told you that I suck.”

“Yeah, well I didn’t believe you until now.” She starts tugging you towards the bar. “Come on, John. Let’s get a drink.”

“Okay!”

The female bartender has been replaced by a man. With a wave of her hand, your dancing partner instantly summons him and orders a pair of drinks.

“This is on you, right?” She asks when you join her side.

“I actually don’t have any money on me at all.” You admit a little sheepishly.

“Haha! I’m just kidding, jeezuss.” She laughs again and punches you on the arm hard enough to sting. “I like you, John. We’re friends now.”

“G-Great.” You rub your arm as subtly as possible. “I’ll take all the friends I can get.”

“So are you new in town?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

She smiles and shoots you a wink.

“Hmmm.” She hums. “That’s a mysterious thing to say.”

“Well,” You lean against the bar, the epitome of suave. “I’m a mysterious guy.”

The bartender returns with the drinks and you chug the cool liquid like it’s orange juice. The girl watches with wide eyes as she sips her own.

“I’d slow down if I were you, Johnny Cake. It isn’t even one-o-clock yet.”

“What time is it?” You look at your watch and freeze when you see that it is now well past midnight. Somewhere between entering the club and meeting this girl you’ve wasted about three hours. “Holy shit. I need to go.”

“What?” She _plunks_ her glass on the counter. “Why? Where?”

“I was supposed to meet someone here.” You groan, burying your face in your hands. “But she’s probably gone by now. Fuck, I’m so totally screwed.”

“Who were you trying to meet?” The girl asks, leaning in closer.

“I dunno. Some girl named Roxy.”

For some reason, she finds this wildly hilarious. The girl lets out a loud peal of laughter that momentarily drowns out the horrible rave beat that’s been pounding in your head since what feels like forever.

“Roxy, huh?” She grins, slowly coming down from her high. “She sounds like a total babe.”

“Heh, maybe. I’ve never met her before, so I wouldn’t really know.”

All of the sudden, you find yourself face to face with your dance partner.

“John, you big doof!” She giggles as she leans in closer and closer. “I _am_ Roxy!”

“Oooooooh. Fuuuuuuck.” You proclaim, looking her up and down once more. “I’m- wait- what???”

She pulls away, descending into another mad fit of giggles as she drinks more deeply from her glass. As she wipes her mouth on the back of her hand, you finally come back down to earth.

“God I feel like an idiot!” You chuckle. “I really should have asked your name, shouldn’t I?”

“It would be the sensible and polite thing to do, yeah.” Roxy sends you another wink. “So, congrats. You’ve found me. Now what are you going to do?”

You dive your hand into your pocket once more and fish out the note.

“I got this message and…”

Roxy snatches it out of your hand, cutting you off. You watch as her face goes from shock, to confusion, and then finally to anger. She looks back at you with eyes of steel and a tongue of barbs.

“What the hell is this?” She demands, shoving the note into your chest. “Some kind of fucked up joke?”

“No! Not at all.” You examine the note, looking for any hidden curse words or insults. “I have no idea what this means at all! I just followed the directions and…”

“This is some kind of trap, right?” Roxy pushes away from the bar, looking at you warily and casting quick glances towards the front and rear exits. “You’ve set me up!”

“What?” You’re more confused than you’ve ever been in your entire life. “I literally have no idea what’s going on right now. I promise you that this isn’t any kind of trick or anything though! I swear on my unborn child’s life!”

Roxy’s glare hardens and before you can react, she grabs you by the wrist and tugs you forcefully towards the stairs at the rear of the club. She’s stronger than she looks and you doubt that you could successfully break her grip if you wanted to. You watch her shove her way through dancing couples and groups, hell-bent on taking you… somewhere.

Up the stairs, down a hall, pass a series of closed doors, and finally to an open one. Roxy throws you inside and shuts the door behind her, locking it with a loud _click_. The room is small, with only a bed for furniture and a small window leading to the street outside. Its well into night now and you can see the full moon between a gap in two skyscrapers.

“Listen, I would really appreciate it if you could just explain why you’re so freaked out.” You hold up your hands in a placating manner.

“Who gave you that note?” Roxy demands unhelpfully, as she advances towards you. “Who knows that I’m here?”

“Nobody! I got that note from a friend.”

“Did you show it to anyone else?”

“No, I didn’t…” You catch yourself. “Well actually there was this one guy at the bar earlier tonight. He freaked out when he saw it too.”

Roxy groans and grabs two great fistfuls of her hair.

“What do you guys have against kissy marks?” You ask, looking the note over again.

She snatches it from your hand and points to the house symbol next to the kissy mark.

“John, you are either as clueless as you seem or you’re a really good actor.” She says. “This symbol is the mark of The Freedom Fighters, a highly illegal group that stands to overthrow Her Imperious Condescension.”

“Her Impervious Condensation?”

“No, you doof, The Condense. What are you? Some kind of idiot?”

You nod sadly.

“Fuh! You really are new, huh?” Roxy crumples up the note and shoves it down the front of her shirt. “Look, John. It’s really important that you tell me who you showed this two and how long ago that was.”

You wrack your brains, trying to remember.

“I dunno. It was just some guy. He was young and really racist.” You check your watch again. “I talked to him before I bumped into you, so like a few hours ago. I think.”

All the blood rushes from Roxy’s face.

“Oh shit. We gotta go.” She gasps. “Shit we got to get the G.D. hell out of Dodge, man!”

Grabbing your wrist again, Roxy starts to tug you towards the door. However, a sharp knock stops her in her tracks, causing you to clumsily bump into her from behind.

“Orderlings.” A voice booms from outside, followed by two more strong knocks. “Open up this instant.”

“Dammit.” Roxy hisses. Quickly, she changes direction and pulls you towards the window.

“We have the place surrounded. We know that you are in there. Open the door, under command of Her Imperious Condescension” There are two more knocks and then some muffled voices.

Roxy throws open the window and pokes out her head to look down at the ground.

“I hope you have strong ankles, John.” She says, turning to look back at you. “Otherwise, enjoy a hundred years in The Screamer Pit’s, loser.”

And with that, she climbs out the window and disappears from sight.

“Roxy!” You shout rushing towards the opening. Looking down, you watch her land in a crouch on the ground below.

Behind you, there’s a loud _bang_ and then the door shatters into a million pieces. Shielding your eyes, you turn to see a dozen armed men flooding into the room, deadly looking guns trained directly on you.

“Freeze, you filthy freeloader!” The head Orderling commands.

Calling up the breeze, you turn and leap towards the open window. Bullets burn through the air and punch holes in the wall, exactly where you were standing mere seconds ago. You pass through the window and float down the ground below. Shouts can be heard from the open window above, along with screams and yells from pedestrians who had heard the gunfire.

Thankfully all the screams come from inside The Bulge. At this time of night, the sidewalk outside is wonderfully vacant, although the street still races with traffic.

 _“John!”_ You hear Kanaya’s voice in your head. _“What is it? What’s happening?”_

“Not now!” You turn wildly, casting about for Roxy. Dammit! Where did she go?!

“Over here!” Her voice calls you over towards a collection of motorcycles parked on the curb. Roxy is knelt next to one, fiddling with the engine. “How many are there?” She asks.

“What?”

“Orderlings, man. How many of them were there?”

“I don’t know. Ten? Twelve?”

Roxy hums thoughtfully as she works.

“That’s less than last time. I guess I’m not as much of a hot commodity as I thought. That’s a shame.”

“Who are those guys?” You ask, looking around nervously. “Why are they after you?”

Roxy slings her leg over the motorcycle and positions herself behind the handle bars.

“Let’s see… My mother was probably the most famous Freedom Fighter who ever lived, I’ve been hacking into The Condence’s computer systems for months, I have over a dozen tickets for public intoxication and indecency,” With a mighty kick she flicks the ignition and the bike roars to life. “Oh, and this bike is stolen.”

“Shit!”

Behind you, the front door to The Bulge bursts open and Orderlings begin flooding out into the street.

“Well?” Roxy looks at you over her shoulder. “Are you getting on, Johnny Boy? Or what?”

You look between this mystery girl, the intimidating men with the guns, and the impressive speed at which the cars on the road speed by.

“Oh, man.” You groan.

No sooner have you climbed onto the bike and wrapped your arms around Roxy’s waist, than she peels out and hurtles off into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I have been looking forward to this day for a long time. Act 6 has been on my list of exciting things since the beginning and do you know why? Mother-Effing Roxy Lalonde (and also the other alphas) I've mentioned this before, but Act 6 is sort of where this story veers off course. It's less "Hussie" and more "MLP Mike" and I just hope my ideas and silly crap continue to be semi-tolerable. 
> 
> Happy Birthday to....... ME! (shout-out 3.0, amirite?)  
> That's right folks, nineteen years ago today I was brought into this world. October is the month of birthdays and the only gift that I want, is for everyone who reads this story to come away feeling all warm and soft inside :) not warm and soft like mashed potatoes, but more like a crescent roll. We are all crescent rolls on the big dinner table of life. Eventually, we are all going to be slathered in butter and eaten :/ don't dwell on that though, enjoy your day.
> 
> I'm no longer making sense. Goodbye.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	47. ACT 6 - PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to BluePotatoes for commenting.

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are Karkat Vantas. And right now, there’s no one else you’d rather be.

Seriously, everyone else is kind of caught up with either shitty drama, awful missions, or they’re just simply dead. Right now, you’re getting the chance to kick back and soak up some much needed moonlight.

“You know, Equius, sometimes I think we’re the only sane ones around here.” You sigh, leaning back on your bedroll. The stars populate the sky above, twinkling merrily and reminding you of just how shitty your roof is now.

Thanks for that, Eridan.

“Eh.” Equius responds with a shrug. He’s sitting nearby, simultaneously keeping you company and watching Damara, who in turn, is sitting at the bottom of the pit and glaring ferociously. “I’m almost positive that all of us are crazy by now, at least the ones who didn’t start off crazy in the first place.”

“Well aren’t you a Gog-dammed ray of sunshine.” You cover your eyes with your arm. “Forget I said anything. I keep forgetting how much everything is fucked up and then, when I realize it again, I just feel ten times more shitty.”

“I’m not being negative. If anyone should change their disposition, I think it should be you, Karkat.” You hear a few _clings_ and _clangs_ as Equius shifts about some boxes of random crap. “John and Dave have gone on a mission that could potentially push things in our favor once more. Before you know it, we’ll be on top of the world once again.”

His words are enough to get you to lift up your arm and look at him again.

“What the hell are you talking about? We’ve never been on top of any world, let alone _the_ world. Have you been running off and having a good time when I haven’t been looking? Because if you’ve found Nirvana, I’d really appreciate a road map. I’ll even settle for some written directions. Shit, you can just tell me where to go.”

Equius chuckles and grins at you. His teeth or horribly chipped and broken, so you cover your face with your arm again to prevent feeling sick.

“On our quest so far, there have been highs and lows. In times like these, I do look back and appreciate the highs. If you want to find Nirvana, Karkat, you’re going to have to look within yourself.”

“Gee, thanks. Shut up, please.” You roll and face your back to him. “I no longer want to have this conversation. Just wake me up when John and Strider get back.”

No sooner have you shut your eyes and settled into the comfortable rhythm of sleep, when something nudges you in the back.

“I swear to everything that is, or ever will be even close to holy.” You look up. “This better be important or else someone is getting choked.”

Rose stands above you, arms crossed, and foot ready to prod you again. She doesn’t look very happy, but then again, what else is new?

“I could use your help taking care of Kanaya and Jade.” She says. “As long as John and Dave are out of the medium, Kanaya and Jade have to stay within the circle to serve their inter-dimensional tethers. Jade is getting hungry and if we don’t get some food in her soon, we’re going to have a Defcon Five level meltdown.”

“Fugh.” You groan and sit up. “What does she want? We’re all out of Beef Grub.”

“She wants apples, but I doubt we’ll be able to alchemize anything like that. I need you to go sate her while I whip up something.”

“What’s Terezi doing?”

“She said she had something to do.” Rose turns and begins to walk away. “Go to Jade. I’ll join you soon.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” You climb to your feet and leave Equius with Damara, as you walk sleepily out of the temple.

Believe it or not, last night wasn’t much of a restful time for you either. Hell, the only person who you think slept a wink at all was Dave. You could hear him sawing down Barbalou Trees all the way across the temple.

There’s just too much going on, you decide. What with John and Jade falling out of the sky one day, and The Scratch finally being activated another. Where is a guy supposed to catch a wink of sleep? Not here, that’s for sure.

Anyways, as you approach the glowing circle at the bottom of the crater, you see that both Kanaya and Jade are, in fact, still linked with John and Dave. The two guys look as if they could be sleeping, while the girls just look flat out uncomfortable. Instantly, you regret trying to sneak away for a quick nap. You doubt that ring is very comfortable.

“What’s going on, uh… ladies?” You ask as you step into their midst.

“Karkat.” Kanaya smiles at you. “I was wondering when you’d come and visit. I’ve been in contact with John, and good news, it appears that he’s located one of the new players.”

“Really? Wow. That was quick. Who knew the little guy had it in him?” You rub your chin thoughtfully. “Maybe Egbert isn’t as useless as we thought.”

“I never thought John was useless.” Jade pipes up. “I always knew he could do it!”

“Yeah, sure, how noble of you. Has Dave found anyone yet?” You snap.

“No.” Jade’s ears droop. “He has to be getting close though. He’s been searching all night!”

“Well, I suppose finding one new player after only a few hours is a good start.” You sit down between the two girls. “What is this player? Human? Alternian? Tentacle-Snake Beast?”

“Human.” Kanaya answers. “Female too. I think John might be a little smitten with her honestly.”

Kanaya sounds hopeful. You don’t blame her. Watching Rose and John interact is painful for everyone, especially her. If you saw your former Matesprit openly flirting with another partner you’d probably be a little jealous too. Hell, you remember when Terezi used to flirt with Dave. In some ways, Dave and Jade finally getting together was a good thing.

“Hmm. Interesting.” You say, uninterestedly. “Well, Jade. Don’t worry. I’m a hundred percent sure that Dave will catch up soon. In the meantime, Rose is bringing you some food in a bit.”

“Awesome. I’m so hungry I could eat a whole cow.” Jade licks her lips. Did she always have canine fangs? “Oh! I think Dave’s found something.” She exclaims suddenly.

She closes her eyes and you guess that she’s conversing with Dave telepathically or whatever. You don’t know. You’ve stopped trying to understand bullshit like this a long time ago.

You turn to Kanaya.

“Man, I could really use a pile session if you know what I mean.” You wink.

“Karkat you pale dog.” She giggles, and then rolls her shoulders. “Ugh, me too. My joints are going to seize up horribly if I sit here for much longer.  Hopefully John and Dave will finish soon.”

“Yeah,” You lean back and look up at the stars again. With everything riding on the shoulders of the Dynamic Duo, you can’t help but feel a little pessimistic. “Hopefully.”

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. Being in a city full of strange, new people is way more exciting than chilling on a stupid meteor.

“Damn, I wish you were here, Babe.” You’re in a city park, taking a rest on one of the many park benches. “It’s like Metropolis, Gotham City, Central City, and Atlantis up and here.”

 _“It sounds awesome, Dave!”_ Jade says from within your mind. _“Although I don’t know why you think it’s like Atlantis. It isn’t underwater, is it?”_

“Nope. It’s a hundred percent bone dry up here. I only consider it to be like Atlantis because there’s some serious mythical shit going on around town.” You look over to one of the hexagonal red signs that reads: ‘ _Halt!’_ You truly are in an alternate dimension. “Anyways, do you know where John is yet?”

 _“No.”_ Jade sighs. _“As soon as he tells Kanaya, and she tells me, then I’ll tell you. Apparently John has been traveling all night with some mystery girl named Roxy though.”_

“Wow. Leave it to Egbert to jump into a new world and instantly pick up a new babe.” You have to give your pal credit. He truly is the smoothest of operators. “Rose won’t be too happy about that.”

_“I know, right?! I really hope that this new girl doesn’t mess up our team dynamic. It’s always supposed to be John and Rose, then Jade and Dave. We’re like a rhombus of love!”_

“Whoa, babe. I’d be careful if I were you. You can’t just toss around terms like Love Rhombus without being fully aware of what you’re getting into. The repercussions could be fierce.”

_“Haha. I’ll keep that in mind. So what are you doing now?”_

“I’m just about to get moving again.” You stand up and dust off your pants. All of last night was spent roaming about the city, investigating and plotting out possible locations to visit once the sun rose and people started moving about again. If you were going to find one of these new players, you’re going to have to immerse yourself into the culture. “When I was walking the streets last night, I saw a few posters for a town meeting today. I think it’s worth checking out.”

_“Oooh. That does sound worthwhile. If anything, maybe you’ll learn something useful about the city? Like where all the cool kids hang out!”_

“Heh, yeah. I tell you, man. Some of these new players better be cool. I’m honestly getting a little sick from hanging out with super nerds all the time.”

_“Hey! I like to think I’m pretty cool.”_

“Oh, sure. Gardening and Nuclear Physics are hella cool. I’m surprised that you don’t have your own pair of shades yet.”

_“I’m no stranger to sarcasm, Dave. Don’t make me upset.”_

“Why? What are you going to do? Hold out on the sex? You’re already doing a wonderful job of that.”

_“There’s nothing wrong with saving yourself for marriage!”_

“Actually, there’s a whole lot wrong with it.” You exit the park and rejoin the crowd on the street. You speak to Jade in a hushed voice so as not to draw attention to yourself. “Number one, you have to wait. Number two, weddings are expensive. Number three, sex is free. Number four, all the time we spend waiting, we could actually spend making love sweet love.”

_“Ugh. I know, but it just seems like there’s so many other things to do! Besides, my Grandpa sort of pushed all his religious crap on me at a young age and I feel like if I don’t honor at least one of his rules, then I’ll be disrespecting his memory…”_

Well, if it was a good excuse you were looking for, then it’s a good excuse you got. Anyways, you’re just joshin Jade. If there’s one thing you respect, besides the armed troops, then its women’s boundaries.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” You follow the herd of people towards the center of the city. In a large square you can see that a stage has been erected, with a podium and a large tent. “I’d rather we didn’t argue about this stuff anyways. I’m pretty sure this is how Rose and Kanaya broke up.”

_“ROSE AND KANAYA BROKE UP?!?”_

You wince. Wow, for a second there Jade almost blew out your eardrums from the _inside_.

“Yeah, I’ll explain it later. Listen, I think this meeting’s about to start soon. I better get somewhere I can see.”

A large number of people have grouped around in the area in front of the stage and you begin to gently push your way through them. It’s a lot easier said than done, as everyone is packed together pretty tightly and already looking towards the stage. More than once you accidentally brush against someone for too long.

“Hey! What’s your problem?” A woman wheels on you when you nudge her arm.

“Sorry, lady. I’m just trying to get through.”

“Why? It’s not like they’re giving away free shit.” She counters. “Nice sunglasses by the way. What? Is it sunny on planet cool?”

You could have wasted a few precious seconds tearing down that woman’s self-esteem with a few well-placed verbal jabs, but you have bigger fish to fry. Besides, even if she was being rude, she did compliment your sweet shades.

And yeah, it’s definitely _always_ sunny on planet cool.

Eventually you make it to the front of the audience. On the stage there now stands a man behind the podium, surrounded by a platoon of heavily armed guards. The speaker is a large man, wearing an important looking suit that is the most obnoxious, yet stylish, shade of red that you’ve ever seen. Pinned to his lapel, is a rather large button in the shape of a spoon.

The guards are wearing red too and are all armed with some cool looking rifles and batons. If Jade were here, she’d probably be salivating over those high-tech-looking firearms.

“Hello? Hello?” The speaker taps his microphone and clears his throat. “Can everyone hear me?”

“No!” Someone from behind you yells.

The speaker nods and fiddles with the microphone for a second.

“How about now?”

“Now it’s too loud!” Someone to your left answers.

“Okay, there. What about now?”

“Now it’s too quiet.”

More fiddling and more yelling. After ten minutes of this, he gives up.

“You know what? Fuck it. Those who can hear me, good for you. Everyone else can go screw themselves.” The speaker clears his throat again. “Now. We’re all gathered here today to witness yet another punishment under ruling of Her Imperious Condescension. Mister Butterwood here,” The speaker gestures to his left and for the first time you notice an older-looking gentleman being held captive by a pair of guards. “Has seen it fit to spray _‘silly string’_ all over the statue of our great Mistress in City Hall, once again.”

“Anarchy!” The old man yells and tries kick one of his captors in the shin.

“For punishment, Mr. Butterwood is sentenced to twelve days in the Stocks of Never-Ending Shame.” The speaker points again, this time to a pair of metallic stocks on the far end of the stage. “Just so everyone knows, these stocks possess no actual magic powers that cause never-ending shame. They’re just a place where you can hopefully reflect on your actions and learn that it is important to think before you act.”

As Mr. Butterwood is wrestled into the stocks, a different voice echoes across the square.

“Let that man free! Or face the consequences, Commissioner!” The voice booms.

Everyone in the crowd cranes their next, looking up, down, and all around to get a glimpse of this mysterious new speaker.

“Who said that?” The Commissioner on the stage asks. He shields his eyes from the sun and scans the audience. “Show yourself!”

Suddenly, out of the group of people around you, half a dozen strangers leap up and land on the stage in an awesome power formation. At their lead is a man around your age, young, with spiky blonde hair and…

A pair of pointed shades.

“Shit on my dick.” You breathe. He looks _exactly_ like your Bro, except younger.

He’s wearing a white t-shirt with a picture of a baseball cap on his chest and small, styalized house on his sleeve. In his gloved hands he wields a pair of razor-sharp swords. You have to take a second to admire that shirt, which is one of the most ironic things you’ve ever seen. A hat on a shirt? Classic!

You’re so stunned, that you’re literally frozen in place, watching the scene play out on stage.

“The Condence’s reign is coming to an end, Commissioner.” The man who looks like you Bro states, spinning his swords. “We’ll give you one last chance to surrender.”

All around you, people are shouting and cheering, egging these rebels on. You wish they’d be quiet so that you can hear what’s going on. This is the most dramatic and entertaining shit you’ve seen since the last Harry Potter film. You know the one. That one Harry Potter movie where Dumbledore came out of the closet.

Damn, if there’s one thing you miss about the old world, its young adult fiction. Real, heavy, emotional stuff.

“Orderlings!” The Commissioner yells. “Seize these traitors!”

As the red-suited guards raise their weapons, the rebels leap into actions. The Bro-lookalike lunges forward, hacking and slashing with his double swords in a flurry of speed and death. His companions are equally effective in dispatching the Orderlings and before long, the battle is essentially over.

One of the rebels frees Mr. Butterworth. Instantly, the old man reaches into his pants and pulls out a pair of spray cans. Silly String flies everywhere as he leaps from the stage and charges through the crowd.

Everyone cheers.

After the last Orderling falls on Bro-clone’s sword, he turns and grabs the microphone.

“Live long and free, dudes!” He cries. “Have hope, fore The Freedom Fighters are here!”

“Yes, yes!” The crowd yells.

In all the excitement, no one notices an Orderling struggle to his feet and charge at Bro-doppelganger with one of those fancy batons. You reach out, hoping to warn the rebel leader, but it’s too late.

The Orderling strikes with his baton and hits the unsuspecting man with a jolt of electricity. Everything goes silent as the world watches in horror.

The man who looks like Bro yells in pain, whips around, and swings one of his swords, knocking the baton away from the guard and then pressing his second sword to his neck.

“Aw, come on, man. I was just playin.” Says the Orderling, who knows he fucked up.

“I’m not.” Bro-two says and then he slices the man’s head off in one swipe.

If you thought people were pumped before, then you have no idea how crazy shit got just now. Everyone roars and loses their shit with unmitigated excitement. Men and women all around start to dance in the street. One chick pulls her shirt off and starts whipping it around like a lasso. Two dudes next to you begin making-out hardcore, crying the whole time.

Hell, you don’t blame them. This shit is energizing as hell! If Jade were here, you couldn’t be held responsible for what would happen.

You’ve never seen such a raw expression of emotion and frankly, you’re starting to wonder if this whole thing isn’t just some stress-induced, fever dream. That would certainly explain a whole lot. You’ve just started to regain some of your motor capabilities, when the party is suddenly brought to a grinding halt.

Sirens erupt all around you and large, grey vans careen down the street to screech to a halt in the town square. People start to run in all different directions as Orderlings begin leaping out of the vans two at a time. The screams of joy turn to shouts of fear as everyone scatters.

In the panic, you try to keep the Bro (who isn’t Bro) in your sights. You just barely catch a glimpse of his spiky hair, weaving through the crowd and decide to give chase. If you’re supposed to be looking for new players to join your team, then this guy, no matter how much he looks like your Bro, is badass enough to be your number one candidate.

There’s no way in hell that you’re letting this guy slip through your fingers.

“Citizens of Rainbow Falls, please follow the directions of the nearest Orderling. Do not resist arrest. Do not harbor any Freedom Fighters.” A metallic voice squawks from a nearby van. “Her Imperious Condescension appreciates your cooperation.”

The topless woman is tackled to the ground by an Orderling and you leap over the grappling pair in pursuit of your quarry. Everywhere you look blurs of red and grey are running back and forth like a horde of writhing ants. The metallic voice continues to call for order but no one seems to be listening.

“Death to the Condense!” Someone yells and suddenly something strikes you in the back of the head.

“What the hell?!” You stumble to the ground as your vision swims and you look up to see an angry-looking stranger holding a club. “Dude, I’m not one of them.” You appeal with watery eyes.

“Oh. Sorry.” The guy lowers his club. “You shouldn’t wear so much red. Not around here at least.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” You push yourself up. “Did you see where that dude with the swords went?”

He points towards a group of people running towards the front doors of a building. Even from here, you can pick out the Bro-twin as he leads the team. Without another word to you attacker/helper you sprint towards the building, avoiding Orderling and Citizen alike.

A few more people take swings at you as you pass by. A woman with a switchblade gets a jab to the ribs for her troubles and surprisingly enough, the Orderlings seem to leave you alone. Apparently being clothed head to toe in red has its pros and cons.

You run across the street, disregarding the traffic entirely, and burst through the front doors of the building. By looking at the main foyer, you can tell that it’s some type of hotel or apartment complex. Across the long hall, a set of doors leading towards stairs closes as if someone has just passed through it.

Through the doors, up the stairs you go, following the sounds of footsteps and voices ahead. You run up eight, nine, ten flights of stairs until you hear the sound of another door opening and closing. When you reach the top, you find a door leading towards the roof and dash through it.

At the edge of the building, the group of Freedom Fighters is using a zip-line to slide from one ledge to another on the other side of the street. Apparently this isn’t some team of ragtag, random, rebel outcasts. These guys have escape routes and plans. They’re motivated, actuated, active, and too legit to quit.

The guy who looks like Bro waits until everyone else slides across before beginning to attach himself to the line. You run forward.

“Whoa! Hold on, man!” You wave. “Stop. Let me talk to you for a second.”

His head snaps around as you approach and in flash of silver, both of his swords are drawn.

“Don’t come any closer, _Orderling_.” He spits, brandishing his blades. “I’ve got some real steel right here and I’m not afraid to chop a prick in two.”

“Yeah, I believe you.” You continue forward, although at a much slower pace. “I’m not an Orderling though, or whatever. I’m just a guy that needs your help.”

Across the street, the rest of The Freedom Fighters call to their leader.

“Dirk! Come on! What’s the hold up?!” One of them yells.

The Bro-fake, named Dirk, looks between his companions and you. Then he shakes his head.

“Sorry. I gotta jet.” As he turns to grab the zip-line, you lunge forward and take him by the wrist.

“Wait! This is impor- WHOA!” You duck as his sword narrowly misses your head.

His next strike slices a hole in your sleeve and you’re pretty sure his third trims a little bit of your hair. As he stabs again, you strike, chopping his wrist and smacking one of his swords to the ground. Quickly, you scoop it up and back off, taking a defensive stance.

“I thought I told you to step off.” Dirk, twirls his remaining sword. “But then you fight me and take my motherfucking sword? For a _‘guy who isn’t an Orderling’_ you sure are a pain in my ass.”

You point the stolen sword towards the ground.

“You attacked me, jerk. I just wanted to talk. For a _‘fighter of the freedom’_ you’re a pretty aggressive dude.”

“I’m not aggressive. This is in self-defense. You’re the one who can’t keep their hands to themselves.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, I need your help with something.”

“Sorry, Bro.” Dirk raises his blade. “But I ain’t stupid. I know an agent of The Condense when I see one.” He swings his sword and you flinch. However, he cuts the zip-line instead, separating his friends from the fight. “Any last words, you tyrannical piece of shitty shit?”

“Um… how about: Let’s not do this?” You tighten your grip on you sword. “I’m a lover not a fighter.”

“Seems to me like you’re more of a shish kebab than anything else.” Suddenly, Dirk lunges forward.

**STRIFE!**

You parry his first blow and thrust your other arm forward, catching him in the chest and shoving him backwards. The small space you created between the two of you is quickly closed and before you know it, you’re blocking swipe after furious swipe.

He’s quick and strong too. You do your best to keep up, but you know already that this is a losing battle. You’re tired, hungry, a little woozy from being clubbed earlier, and more than anything else: you’re out of practice. Seriously, the last person you fought like this was Nepeta and that was over a year ago.

Not to mention, she totally kicked your ass.

You bat his sword away and drop into a crouch, sweeping the leg like a true, honorary member of Cobra Kai. Dirk falls onto his back and does that awesome thing where you spring back to your feet only using your hands. Damn, he’s a cool dude.

You dodge his next attack and skip away, putting more distance between him and yourself.

“You’re not too bad at this.” Dirk huffs, wiping sweat off his brow. “You’ve got some skill, but you’re form’s way off. With a little training, you could probably be good enough to join The Freedom Fighters.”

“Bullshit my form’s off. I learned from the best of the best.” You respond. “I’m not looking to join your band of merry dudes and dudettes either. Like I said, I need your help.”

Dirk crosses his arms.

“I’m not a charity worker,” He says. “And there’s no way you learned from the best of the best. My Bro only taught me and me alone.”

“I’m not talking about your stupid Bro. I’m talking about _my_ cool-as-fuck Bro. And if you consider saving all of goddamn existence _‘charity’_ , then I’d love to see what you actually do for a living.”

One of Dirk’s eyebrows rise above the edge of his pointy shades.

“Saving all of existence, huh?” He repeats. “Oh, _this_ sounds like a _great_ story. Tell me, scumbag, what kind of galactic savoir wears a red suit and the lamest pair of rounded shades this side of the bay?”

In response, you throw you sword to the ground at Dirk’s feet.

“Give me a chance.” You stare as hard as you can into those dark lenses. “And I’ll explain everything.”

Dirk reclaims his sword and after a moment of regard, sheathes his blades.

“Alright, stranger. I’ll bite. You’ve proven yourself in a battle of strength and wit.” He flips his hair and it falls perfectly into place. “You’re either a crazy sonovabitch or you’re telling the truth. Either way, I’ll feel like a dick if I don’t humor you. At least for a little while.”

You nod.

“Thanks. Now listen good, shit get’s complicated fast. It all started…”

You’re silenced when Dirk raises his hand. He’s not looking towards you, but up into the sky. His ears are pricked and for a second he’s completely motionless. You follow his gaze, but see nothing among the clouds.

“The riot in the square must have gotten out of hand. They’re bringing in the big guns.” He taps a finger to his shades. “If you wanna talk, try and keep up. We aren’t safe here.”

Without another word, he turns and races towards the door that leads back into the apartment building. You’re left with no choice but to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avatar: The Last Airbender Update! I honestly think that Azula's team of superbabes are some of the coolest people on the show, maybe ever. Ty Lee is so perky and adorable, while Mai is all gloomy and serious, and Azula's just a huge bitch. Eventually, I think that Ty Lee and Mai are going to get sick of their leaders crap and just over throw here. Azula is hella evil.
> 
> My birthday was great! I got together with my brother and we went and saw a movie :D We had snacks and good seats and it was just a good ass time. I got a card from my mom with cash in it (which is the greatest gift ever because i blow all of my cash on Jersey Mike's on a weekly basis) and it was just fun times all around. Thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes!
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	48. ACT 6 - PART 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to tempestuousConflagration for commenting.

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’re completely terrified by what is happening right now.

Roxy weaves the motorbike in and out of traffic like a pro, taking ninety-degree corners at break-neck speeds, squeezing through impossibly small gaps, even taking you up onto the sidewalk at one point to get around a parked moving van.

“You know, I typically prefer sportbikes.” Roxy explains as she blasts through a red light. “Although cruisers like these have better handling, they just aren’t as fast.”

“Y-you say that like it’s a bad thing.” You resist the urge to squeeze your eyes shut behind your glasses. “I’m getting a real sense of Déjà vu right now,”

“Really? Do you go cruising like this with chicks often?”

“No. The last time I did though we got shot out of the…” You catch yourself. “I mean, we crashed.”

“Aw, that’s a bummer. Well don’t worry about that here. I’m sort of a professional. Hold on tight, Johnny.” Roxy pulls up on the handlebars and you give a very unmanly _‘eep’_ as the bike jumps another curb. Leaning hard to the right, she steers you down an alley. “This is a short cut. We gotta move fast if we’re going to beat them back to my place.”

“We’re going to your house?”

“My apartment. The Orderlings have been looking for an excuse to lock me up for ages. Thanks to you, they probably have that now.”

“It’s not my fault you ran away and stole this bike.” You retort. “If you’d just given me a chance to explain…”

“There’s nothing to explain,” She cuts you off. “John, you were running around, flashing the symbol of The Freedom Fighters like an idiot. The Condense doesn’t give rebels a chance to _explain_. They were going to kill us.”

You remember narrowly dodging bullets as you leapt from the window in pursuit of Roxy. She’s right. Those Orderlings weren’t looking to take prisoners.

“You think they’re following us?”

“Nope, but they don’t have to. I go to that place enough for the barkeep to know my name. They’ve probably got a dozen vans and a few CrockerBots on the way to my apartment right now.”

“Then why are we going there?!? What’s a CrockerBot?!”

For one heart-stopping second, Roxy twists in her seat to look at you. Her expression is one parts confused and another parts sympathetic. You really wish that she’d look where she was going instead of at you.

“You really don’t know anything, do you?” She asks seriously. “Who are you, John? Who are you _really_?”

“I- I’m just… please stop.” You watch in horror as the end of the alley approaches, spilling out into a crowded intersection.

At the last second, Roxy squeezes the brake and you’re thrust forcefully against her back as the rear tire of the bike rises into the air and crashes back down again. Quickly, you dismount and find the most solid surface to lean against.

“No time to waste.” Roxy has brought the bike to a halt next to a large brick building. “Come on.”

“I need a minute.”

“We don’t have a minute.” She grabs you by the arm and drags you from the wall and towards the front doors. She takes you through a small lobby, up a flight of stairs and to her apartment, which she unlocks with a key from her skirt pocket.

Roxy’s studio apartment is packed full of so much crap you don’t know where to stand, let alone walk. A large portion of the floor space is occupied by a mattress, which is, in turn, covered with a small mountain of fluffy, stuffed animals. Everything else, from the folding table to the rusted hot plate, is covered in miscellaneous clothes. The only thing that appears to be well-kept is a small desk in the corner with a laptop computer and a neat collection of pink game consoles.

“You should feel honored. Other than me and Frigglish, you’re the first living soul to see this apartment in over five years.” Roxy digs a backpack out from under a pile of socks and begins shoving things into it. “There’s a place outside of town where we can lay low for a while. Once we get there, you’re going to explain everything, starting with that note you had.”

“Alright.” You stand against the wall, watching her as she shoves the laptop into her bag along with a mess of wires. Suddenly, something small, black, and furry rubs against your leg, startling you. “Oh, shit!”

Roxy snaps her head around when you jump.

“Oh.” She smiles. “John, meet Frigglish. Frigglish, meet John.”

“Meow.” Says Frigglish as he rubs against your shin.

“Uh, what’s wrong with his eyes?” You watch the cat warily.

“Huh?”

“His eyes. This cat has four eyes.”

“He does, doesn’t he?” Roxy grins at you slyly. “I suppose it’s all the better to see you with, huh?”

“I suppose.” You step over a box full of shoes to escape Frigglish, but the cat gives chase. “Although it’s a little creepy, just a little though.”

“Yeah, but you’ll get used to it.” With her bag almost packed, Roxy kneels down by your knee and holds her pack open. “Come on, Frigglish. Hop in. We’re getting out of here.”

The cat looks from his owner, to you, and then to the proffered bag.

“Meow.” Says Frigglish.

“Don’t be like that. We can’t stay here anymore because John fucked everything up. If you don’t come with us, you’ll be killed or worse: turned over to The Condense.”

“Meow.”

“Screw it.” Roxy grabs Frigglish by the scruff and shoves him into her bag. “He’s just being a little rebellious today, trying to act all tough to impress you. It’s not going to work though.”

“Do you speak cat?” You ask.

“Uh… no?” Roxy suddenly regarding you warily. “No one can speak cat. It’s not even a language.” Her face grows serious once more. “Do people speak cat where you’re from? Where the hell are you from, John?”

“Somewhere else.” You shift your feet nervously. “Listen, I thought we agreed that we’d talk about this later, when we aren’t being chased by the police.”

“Sure, but let me tell you something.” She abruptly seizes you by the arm and digs her nails into your coat. “If you make me regret trusting you, then there’s going to be hell to pay. I promise you that.”

“I won’t do anything to hurt you.” You say honestly. “I just need your help.”

“Good,” Roxy lightens her grip, but keeps her hold on your arm so that she can tug you from the room yet again, like some kind of lap dog. “Because if we’re going to make it out of the city, we’re going to have to trust each other.”

You follow her out of the building and back to the motorbike.

“What do you mean?” You ask.

“Trust.” Roxy remounts the bike and passes you her backpack. Through the top zipper, Frigglish pokes his head out to look at you curiously. “I trust you to hold on to all of my shit.” With another _roar_ , she restarts the bike. “And you trust me not to get you killed.”

In the distance, you can hear sirens. The Orderlings are getting closer. Without another second of hesitation, you reclaim your position behind, Roxy.

“Alright, no problem. Just don’t drive too faaaaaaasst.” The last word is pulled from your lips as Roxy speeds off the curb and flies down the street yet again.

The ride from out of the city isn’t any less hectic than the one from the club to Roxy’s apartment, although the longer you spend on the bike, with your arms laced tightly around her waist, the better you start to feel. Something tells you that you’ll never be a hundred percent comfortable putting your life in the hands of strange woman and fast motor-vehicles, flying or otherwise, but for now it’s tolerable.

It’s funny, considering how you have no problem flying on currents of wind on your lonesome. Maybe it has something to do with control? You feel more secure knowing that you’re in charge of where you’re going.

As Roxy takes you over a large bridge, which leads over a black bay, you get your first real look at the city as it draws further and further away. The towering sky-scrapers twinkle like stars amongst the night-time sky. From here, it could be any city back home. Maybe New York or Los Angeles. The only real difference is the large spire in the very heart of the concrete jungle.

It’s huge and well-illuminated. Painted a gaudy red, the spire seems to loom over the rest of the city with a watchful eye. The only thing the tower is missing is a legit, magical eye at the top. However, there is instead a large white spoon.

It looks a little ridiculous in your opinion, but regardless, the sight sends a shiver up your spine.

“Are you alright?” Roxy asks suddenly.

“What?”

“You’re shaking, John. What’s wrong?”

“It’s… It’s nothing. I’m fine.” You feel Frigglish’s whiskers tickle the back of your neck as he pokes his head out of the bag to investigate the breeze. “How much longer until we get there?”

“Not long. Just sit back and relax. Take a nap if you want. Don’t let go though.”

“I think I’ll stay awake.”

As the pair of you leave the bridge, Roxy pulls off the side and disappears down a small road which leads into a dark forest. Apparently she knows where she’s going because no matter how much the path twists, turns, or forks, she never slows down and never seems unsure. Eventually, you round a bend and a clearing opens up to large house set on the edge of a cliff.

Roxy brings the bike to a halt on the front lawn.

“Home sweet home.” She says a little sourly as she gets off. “Look out for traps. My mom was a paranoid bitch.”

“Your mom lives here?” You follow her up to the front door.

“ _Was_. My mom _was_ a paranoid bitch. She doesn’t live here anymore.” Roxy stoops and shifts the doormat to uncover a key. She inserts it into the lock on the door. There’s a soft _beep_ , then a panel on the wall slides up to reveal a finger-print and eye scanner. Roxy jabs her thumb onto a pad and presses her eye to the machine. Then she says, in a loud, clear voice: “Roxanne Lalonde.”

You give a very dramatic, cartoonish gasp.

“Lalonde?” You repeat.

There’s another _beep_ and the door swings open.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.” Roxy Lalonde tosses the key into the air, catches it again and then drops it on the ground before covering it again with the mat. “I hope you aren’t afraid of dust, I haven’t been here in a long while.”

You follow Roxy into the house, silently trying to compute what is happening, whilst wondering if she was being serious about the traps or not.

Lalonde? Roxy Lalonde. Rose Lalonde. Mrs. Lalonde. Frigglish Lalonde. Jaspers Lalonde. Alternate Dimensions. Video Games. CrockerBots and Orderlings. Blonde hair, pink eyes, and a curvy body that is hot enough to turn heads a mile away.

Your thoughts are stars that you cannot even begin to fathom into constellations.

Wow. You’ve been waiting to use that quote for ages. Finally!

Anyways, things only get _more_ confusing when you enter the living room. As Roxy moves about, turning on lights and taking plastic sleeves off of the furniture, you examine the large space. Roxy’s mom must have been very wealthy to afford a place like this.

Everything is white, shiny, and sleek, despite the fine layer of dust covering most everything. A large television is fitted onto the wall next to a large fireplace. What draws your attention the most though, are the photographs on the mantelpiece.

You step up, mouth agape and stare at the photos. There are only three. The one on the left shows a younger Roxy standing next to an older woman who bears an uncanny resemblance to Rose. The woman in the photo is short and slim, with shoulder-length blonde hair pulled back tightly behind a simple, black headband.

It’s Rose, much older of course, but still undeniably Rose.

The second photo is another one of Roxy, as a baby though. Baby Roxy is sitting on the knee of an old man. He has think-framed glasses, a crooked back, a dark mustache, and a bright-red rose pinned onto his breast next to a cool bowtie.

Who the fuck is this asshole?

Anyways, the third photo shows older Rose standing with the Old Man, they are joined by two more people. An old woman with long, grey hair and round glasses: Jade of course. And a man about older Rose’s age with the coolest pair of shades that you’ve ever seen.

“Wh-what is this?” You ask, pointing to the photos. “Roxy, who are these people?”

Roxy is rummaging through a hall closet when you call. She joins your side with a bundle of blankets in her arms.

“Um. That’s my mom, of course.” She nods to the first photo. “That dude with the shades was my Uncle, although I don’t think he was really my uncle. That’s just what I called him. Um… I dunno those old people. I never met them, but I guess they were just some of my mom’s friends.

Roxy throws the blankets onto the ground.

“Are you hungry?” She continues. “I could probably make something with what we have here.”

You sink silently onto the plastic-covered couch. Frigglish, who’d been sitting patiently in your backpack, climbs free and then positions himself on your lap, purring contentedly. With a penchant for watching shitty films, you’re no stranger to high-concept sci-fi. You can piece together the clues easily enough.

When you rebooted the game, you were a sent to a universe similar to your own, although different. Here you are, with Rose’s alternate universe daughter, in a world controlled by some Impress with an army of red-suited peace keepers on your tail.

“I have a lot of questions.” You finally say, turning to Roxy.

She’s humming a tune in the kitchen as she smacks pots and pans together. You watch the top of her blonde head appear in the doorway.

“Well, so do I.” She steps into view and rests her hands on her hips. “Starting with: who are you and where are you from?”

You sigh and rub a hand over your tired face.

“It’s a long story.”

“Well then you better get started.”

An hour later you’re sitting crosslegged on the floor across from Roxy, a cold bowl of soup between the two of you, and a furry cat still in your damn lap. Roxy listened to your tale from start to finish with varying levels of interest. More than once, you’re pretty sure that she zoned out, but by the time you’re done, her eyes are alight with a strange excitement.

“So let me get this straight,” She counts on her fingers. “Sloppy rescue missions, brain washed brothers, alien prom rituals, romantic confusion, alternate dimensions, and time travel shenanigans? Am I missing anything?”

“Uh, golden spaceships, omnipotent beings, exile gangsters, turtle consorts, wizard duels, alien cat girls, riddle snakes, and Japanese handmaids.” You add. “There’s more, but my throat is starting to hurt.”

“Hmmm.” She gets up and crosses to a cupboard against the wall. When she returns, she’s holding a bottle of some expensive looking liquor. “My mother’s personal stash.” She explains. “I’d prefer a martini any day of the week, but beggars can’t be choosers.”

“What’s that for?”

“For drinking silly.” Roxy opens it with her teeth, takes a healthy swig and then passes it to you. When you hesitate, she asks: “What’s the matter, Johnny? More Déjà vu?”

“Yeah, actually… now that you mention it.” You take the bottle. “So are you going to answer my questions now?”

“In a minute. I’ve got some things I wanna clear up.” She leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees. Her skirt rides up higher on her leg and you take another quick drink of alcohol. “You claim to have been sent here by a younger, alternate version of my mother, who is a powerful witch that can do like, legit magic? And _you_. You can control the wind?”

You nod.

“And that you need to recruit _me_ to go with you back to… wherever it is you came from, so that I can help you beat some evil video game called _SBURB_?” She smirks. “Stop me if I’m getting this wrong, okay?”

“No, no. So far you’re dead on.”

“Alright,” Roxy pulls her backpack towards her and retrieves her laptop. Flicking it open, she begins to type furiously. “Hold on a second.”

You wait patiently as she works. A minute later, she motions you over and shows you her screen. It’s a picture of a CD labeled SBURB, with the house symbol on the cover.

“Does this look familiar?” She asks.

“That’s the game.” You nod.

“Well then,” She starts typing once more and the picture disappears. “I suppose your story does have some merit. Like I’ve said before, I’ve been hacking into The Condence’s systems for years now, collecting information, tracking their activities. I came across a whole database dedicated to SBURB, but couldn’t really make any sense of all the nonsense. Until now that is.”

“When I showed up?”

“Yup.” Roxy smiles. “Tell me what this game does, John.”

“It destroys worlds.” You say simply. “Then it gives us the chance to fix things, but we can’t do that without your help, Roxy.”

She closes the laptop with a solid _snap_.

“If what you’re saying is true.” She begins. “Then you expect me to get a copy of this game, play it, and then destroy everything that I know? John, I dunno if I can do that.”

“I wouldn’t have been sent here if your universe wasn’t already doomed in the first place.” You appeal to her. “Listen, it’s not just my world that’s at stake. It’s my friends, the troll’s, world too and yours.”

“What if you’re wrong though? What if my world isn’t doomed and you coming here just fucked everything up for no reason.” Suddenly she grabs two fistfuls of her hair. “Oh god, what if you’ve been lying to me this whole time?!?”

In response, you stand up and with a wave of your hand, you swirl the air in the room around in a weak cyclone. Roxy’s hair whips around her face, Frigglish seeks shelter under the sofa, and the ceiling fan above begins to spin in a lazy circle. The wind stops when you clench your fist.

“I’m not lying.” You say. “This is real, Roxy.”

She gapes.

“What if I’m not the right girl?” She asks.

“Well, if you’re anything like her.” You nod towards the photos on the mantel. “Then I can pretty much guarantee you that you _are_.”

Roxy bows her head.

“I’m nothing like my mother.” She rubs her neck slowly, thinking. “I need time to think about this.”

“We don’t have much time.” You sit in front of her again. “I need to find three other players as well as my friend Dave. He came here with me too.”

“The Impresses’ Orderlings are looking for us. We won’t be able to go back into the city without risking getting caught.” Roxy continues to rub her neck and you suddenly realize how much information you’ve just dumped on her unsuspecting head. She probably does need time to think. She looks at you with a deep frown. “You have some questions too, right?”

“Yeah,” You glance at the photos again. “What happened to your mom?”

“The same thing that happens to everyone who stands up against The Condense, she was killed along with my Uncle.” Roxy’s eyes grow distant. “My mother was a leader of The Freedom Fighters. She fought in a great battle that almost succeeded in overthrowing that tyrannical bitch. After she died, I sort of… hid. If that makes any sense? I mean, I hack CrockerCorp and stuff, but I would never go on the front lines. That shit is too dangerous.”

“So this revolution is still going on?”

“You think?” Roxy drinks some more. “You saw what happened back there. If you so much as draw their symbol on a napkin, Orderlings swarm the building. The Condense is a paranoid bitch and Dirk’s going to have his work cut out for him if he’s ever…”

She trails off.

“What?” You ask. “What is it? Who’s Dirk?”

“Damn,” Roxy gasps. “I think I know where you can find another player.”

“Really?” You try to contain your excitement. “Is it this Dirk guy? Is he nice? Can he fight?”

“Oh, yeah. He can fight. I dunno about nice though. He took over as leader of The Freedom Fighters after my mom and his Bro, my uncle, died.”

“So if his brother is your uncle, doesn’t that make Dirk your uncle too?”

“No, no, no.” Roxy waves her hand. “I told you, I’m like a hundred percent sure that douche in the photo isn’t really my uncle. Dirk is more like…” She taps a finger against her chin. “A close friend.”

“Great! When can we go see him?”

“Tomorrow.” Roxy flops back onto a blanket. “Although, I gotta warn you, John. Dirky can be a little intense. He might not be as easy to convince as me.”

“I’ll figure something out.” You climb to your feet again, collecting the bowl of soup and reaching for the bottle of booze.

“Leave it.” Roxy snatches it quickly. “I mean, I’ll hold onto this.”

“Uh, okay.” You leave her alone and head into the kitchen. Pouring the soup down the sink, you whisper quietly: “Kanaya? Are you there?”

_“Where else would I be, John?”_ There’s a heavy sigh.

“I’m sorry this is taking so long. It’s just turning out to be more complicated than I thought.”

_“Doesn’t everything turn out that way? It’s been hours since you’ve checked in. What’s happening?”_

You give a quick summary of the nights events.

“Anyways, she’s going to help me find more players.” You finish. “Where is Dave? Did he make it?”

_“He’s in the city apparently. Jade says he’s going to wait until first light to do more searching. I’ll relay your situation and see if I can’t organize a rendezvous.”_

“That would actually be awesome.” You hear a loud snore from the living room. It seems Roxy has fallen asleep. “There’s something else, Kanaya. I’m pretty sure that Roxy is Rose’s daughter.”

There’s silence for a moment.

_“I- I suppose that makes sense.”_

“Does it?”

_“Well, think about it. Rose is a perfect candidate for the game. Doesn’t it make sense that someone with similar genes would be the same?”_

“Roxy isn’t like Rose though.”

_“Is that a bad thing?”_

You peek out of the kitchen. Roxy is passed out on the floor, Frigglish under one arm and the bottle of liquor under the other. With the speed of a windy god, you creep over and slide the bottle from her limp grasp.

“No. I don’t think it is.” You whisper.

You’re not looking forward to spending an uncomfortable night on the floor next to Roxy, so you just sit by her side and chat with Kanaya. 

_"How are you holding up, John?"_

"I'm fine, I guess. This place is just more dangerous than I thought. I wish I had my hammer." You speak in hushed tones, mindful to not disturb the snoozing mystery girl nearby.

_"We're keeping an eye on it here."_

"Mhmm." You hum in affirmation, then: "I'm sorry about you and Rose." 

Kanaya doesn’t answer for a while.

_“It’s… quite alright. That was a while ago now.”_

“Still. It sucks.”

_“Mhmm.”_

“Do you want to get back together with her?”

_“I’d rather not discuss this with you, if that’s alright.”_

“Oh. Okay.” You feel bad now. “I just don’t want you to be upset.”

_“I’m not upset.”_ Kanaya sounds upset. _“What you need to focus on now is getting these players together and re-entering the medium as quickly as possible. Maintaining this connection is much more difficult than I thought it would be.”_

Kanaya is trying to change the subject. So you let her.

“Alright. I promise that I’ll do this as fast as I can.”

_“Good. Now, you should get some sleep, John.”_

“Okay.” You close your eyes. “Goodnight, Kanaya.”

_“Goodnight.”_

* * *

=> Be Bec Noir

You are now Bec Noir. It’s been a while, but once a douchebag, always a douchebag, right?

 You’ve been flying for a long time, following the golden trail left behind by the airship as it flew though empty space. After four-hundred and something or other days, your wings are tired, your lungs are sore, and your mind is weary.

With not much else to occupy your time, you’ve just been thinking.

You’ve decided that you’re going to kill the Seer first. That magical bitch is probably the most powerful kid out of the bunch, also the most infuriating. However, the Knight of Time can also be a pain in your ass. That little trick back on LOLAR where he multiplied himself was entertaining enough and served to distract you as the other kids escaped with The Scratch. You’ll take care of him second.

Then you’ll gut that windy little fuck with the glasses and the hammer. Man, if you had a nickel for every time that annoying tike has slipped through your fingers.  You got him once on LOWAS a long time ago, and also with those mines outside your castle on LOLAR. Still, the guy keeps getting up. His perseverance is hella annoying.

You guess that only leaves Jade then. You don’t know if you can bring yourself to kill her. She’s too… something. Something that you can’t begin to describe. The wolfish qualities you inherited from her dog companion still cloud your mind. Once already you’ve gone out of your way to preserve her life. You’ll figure out what to do with her after you’ve dealt with the others.

In the meantime, you plan-out, in detail, how you’ll slaughter all those kids and their miserable troll friends. God, it is going to be so sweet when you finally get to that stupid meteor!

You hope that Kyle the Imp is still managing things back on LOLAR. Leaving that little guy in charge was a rather hastily made decision that you hope doesn’t come back to bite you in the butt. That would be the worst, right?

Anyways, you continue to flap your wings, pushing yourself after the airship. One day, it happens. You feel it like a shockwave that rolls over your body.

The players have reset the game.

Luckily you’re out of range and the blast doesn’t rip your powers from you. Instead, all the mechanism does is spur you forward. You may have been too late to stop the reset, but hey, now you have a good idea where that stupid meteor is.

As you push yourself forward, faster and faster, your mouth begins to water with the promise of murder.

It is going to be so _sweet_ when you get to that meteor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My new favorite thing might have to be "[Impractical Jokers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9bT0eDtQE8)" on TruTv. I typically don't like hidden camera, social experiment shows, but this one is really funny and good! Like, you know how the people on Jackass essentially don't give a shit? Like, nothing is off limits to them. With the Impractical Jokers though, there's stuff that they consider to be too obscene and pass on, losing a challenge, but endearing you to them that much more. You see the hosts get embarrassed and lose their shit just as much as the people being pranked and it's awesome. 
> 
> Watch Impractical Jokers and the Walking Dead. Read Darkness and Dreams. Listen to Laura Veirs.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	49. ACT 6 - PART 4

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too. You’ve finally found some company that’s as radical and cool as you.

The guy who looks like Bro, named Dirk, leads you from the building and back into the bustling streets. Quickly, the pair of you duck down side alleys and back roads, avoiding the Orderling patrols and… something else.

“What the hell is that?” You ask, as a loud whistling sound fills the air.

“CrockerBots,” Dirk explains. “The Condense’s own personal hell-hounds. Those metallic bastards are one of the main reasons we’re so paranoid.”

“ _We_ as in the ‘Freedom Fighters’?”

“Exactly.” Dirk leads you down another alley and down a set of stone steps to a closed door. He opens it and reveals a dark passageway. “These tunnels run all the way to the edge of town. Come on.”

“Where are we going?” You eye the darkness warily.

“What’s the matter? Afraid of the dark?” Dirk smirks.

“Hell no. I’m just curious. I wanna know if you’re leading me to some psycho butcher who’s going to chop me up into little bite-sized pieces or not.”

“If anyone should be worried about betrayal, it’s me.” His shades flash as he glares at you. “I’m taking a huge risk by bringing you with me. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think you were pretty much harmless. You are harmless, right?”

“A hundred percent declawed kitten right here.” You gesture with your empty hands for emphasis. “So are we going in or not?”

“Try and keep up, slick. I’ve lost more than a few dudes in the catacombs.” With that and a wave, Dirk ushers you into darkness.

After the door closes you’re cast into pitch blackness and for the first time in your life, you know what it’s like to be truly blind. Then there’s a soft _snap_ and the green glow of a glow-stick illuminates Dirk’s face.

“Nice light. Are we going to a rave?”

“Nope.” Dirk answers simply. “Someplace a lot cooler and more tolerable.”

You follow the bobbing light down the corridor, around numerous corners, up a flight of stairs, and through a few sets of doors. You walk until your feet start to feel sore, until eventually, Dirk pushes open a final door and artificial light illuminates the tunnel.

You step out into a windowless, concrete room and find a dozen rifles pointed at your face.

“Easy now.” Dirk follows you into the light. “This red fuck is with me.”

The Freedom Fighters do not lower their weapons.

“We saw him fighting you on the roof.” Says a girl with gritted teeth. You recognize her as one of the rebels from the public punishment of Mr. Butterwood. Speaking of that crazy asshole, you see the old man sitting on a box in the corner.

“Just a little misunderstanding.” Dirk steps up and pushes her weapon away. “He’s with me.”

Everyone lowers their guns and you breathe a sigh of relief. If they opened fire, then you’d have to open up a whole silo of whoop-ass and you’d feel bad afterwards for kicking all their asses. You don’t need any more regret on your conscience.

As Dirk leads you past the group of Freedom Fighters, you nod to Mister Butterwood.

“Sup.” You say.

“Just cold chillin.” Mr. Butterwood replies and then he folds his arm.

Damn! Can this place get any cooler?!

Your question is answered when Dirk leads you from the small room and into a much larger space about the size of a cathedral. People are everywhere, men, women, and children, all sitting on cots or talking to each other in hushed voices. Everyone is dressed in shabby clothes and almost all of them are armed.

“Refuges and convicts.” Dirk sweeps an arm over the crowd. “And our allies in our fight against the Condense.”

“Who is this Condense anyways?” You ask, following Dirk further. “What does she do? If she’s such a bitch, why haven’t you off’d her yet?”

“The Condense is… an anomaly.” His fists clench, causing his leather gloves to creak in complaint. “If you ask me, she’s the product of human experimentation gone wrong. She’s a dictator and a ruthless tyrant, who will crush anyone who opposes her.”

“So she’s a mutant freak that somehow controls the police force?”

“She controls _everything_. The media, our food, even the air we breathe in some places. No one knows for sure how she rose to power, since it was ages ago, but we do know that she’s got to be taken down.” Dirk has brought you towards a room adjacent to the larger one. You can tell that this is his bedroom, as there are multiple radical artifacts strewn all over the place. You admire his impressive collection of puppets from a safe distance. “You asked why we haven’t taken her out yet. The real reason is because she’s got otherworldly powers, man, like some real magical shit. We’ve gotten close before, but…” Dirk sinks into a computer chair next to a cluttered desk. “She’s killed a lot more of ours then we’ve killed her’s.”

“Sounds like a shitty hand to be dealt.” You lean against the wall near the door, next to a pretty cool picture of a unicorn. Mythical creatures. You can respect that. “So without actually a means to get to The Condense herself, you’re stuck making scenes like the one back in the square.”

Dirk leans forward in his chair. You can feel the intensity of his glare behind his dark, pointed shades.

“We’re working on a means.” He growls. “And we’re doing a lot more than freeing prisoners. It’s important that the people see that stuff. It’s important that they know we’re _trying_.”

“Well if everyone is on your guy’s side, why don’t they fight?”

“Too scared mostly.” Dirk answers honestly. You can tell he’s getting a little annoyed with your tone. “It’s harder than you think to pick up a blade and fight for what’s right. I don’t expect a freeloader like you to know anything about that.”

You turn your head to the side, making a point to show the scar Nepeta left across your neck.

“I’ve had my fair share of just battles, asshat. Don’t talk about things you don’t understand.” Where does he get off calling you a _freeloader_? Bitch doesn’t know shit about D-Strides.

“Well then, great galaxy warrior.” Dirks spreads his arms wide. “Enlighten me with these tales of justice and virtue.”

“I could fill a book with all the crazy shenanigans I’ve put up with.” You blow a blonde bang out of your view like a true badass. “You wouldn’t believe half the stuff that book said, although you’d eat it up anyways because it’s the most interesting and pulse-pounding book ever written. I’m talking Pulitzer Prize material over here.”

“Big talk, but unless you can back it up, I couldn’t give less than two shits.” Dirk’s glare intensifies. “You have thirty seconds to remind me why I brought you here.”

“You brought me here,” You step forward and face Dirk head-on, pausing for dramatic effect. “Because we’re going to save the goddamn universe.”

Dirk leans back in his chair.

“I’m listening.”

* * *

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are now Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. It’s another day in the life of an awesome babe.

 You wake up like you’re used to waking up, with a sore back and a bottle of liquor… Wait.

Where’s your bottle of booze? You know that you fell asleep with it.

“Frigglish.” You sit up, rubbing at your tired eyes. “Frigglish, did you take mama’s feel-good juice?”

“Meow.” Says Frigglish as he stretches by your side.

You’re going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn’t respond with a sarcastic answer. That cat has given you enough back-sass to last a life time and OH MY GOD YOU’RE TALKING TO A CAT GET SOME REAL FRIENDS GIRL!!!

The early morning light is harsh on your eyes, but you’re coherent enough to recognize your current surroundings. You’re home, or better yet: you’re _sort of_ home. The walls of your mother’s house are as familiar as always and just as depressing. You never thought you’d set foot in this place again, and yet…

Last night’s events rush back to you in a sudden, warm wave of stupid. You’d gone to ‘The Bulge of St. Tommy’, like you usually do on Friday nights, gotten appropriately trashed and literally bumped into John.

“John?” You cast about for the strange man, but he’s nowhere to be seen. “John? Where are you?”

Somehow you’ve managed to become swathed in a warm blanket overnight. Strange, considering you only remember having enough blankets to make a semi-comfortable bed on the hard, tile floor. John must have covered you up, the little sweetheart.

You’re more enthused to find him than ever.

He isn’t in the kitchen or in the dining room. You head up stairs next and find your childhood bedroom to be as firmly locked as always. The rest of the upstairs is undisturbed too. Eventually, you have no choice but to look in the very last place you ever want to look.

“Hey.” You knock on the open door of your mother’s old room. John is sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching a photo in his hands. “John, what are you doing in here?”

He doesn’t answer. You step forward, rubbing at your arms as if struck by a sudden chill. You shouldn’t be in here, let alone John.

“Dude, what the hell are you…”

He turns to you, quickly swiping at his eyes.

“How did she die?” He asks suddenly. His voice is a little hoarse. “Your mother, how did she die?”

You’re frozen about a foot away from him. Struck dumb the sudden question and an unexplainable urge to answer with complete honesty. There’s something about the way he’s looking at you that coerces you not to snap at him. For some reason, this is important.

“The Condense killed her.” You sink down onto the bed at his side. You pull the photo from his hands. It’s your mother. She’s laughing and smiling and standing next to that old man with the bow tie. “John… my mother isn’t the same as your friend.”

“This is me.” John doesn’t seem to be listening. He taps a finger on the face of the old man. “This is an older version of me. We were friends.”

You study John’s face carefully. It appears to be soft and a little on the round side. If you had to guess, you’d think he’s just some regular, doofy guy. However, with barely half a foot of space between you, you can see a coldness to his eyes that only comes with extreme pain and loss.

You know that look well. Ever since your mother died, you’ve seen flashes of it in the mirror.

“What’s she like?” You ask suddenly. “The version of my mom that you know, I mean.”

“She’s...” John exhales deeply and rubs the back of his neck. “She’s something else. Haha. I think you and her will get along well.”

“Are you two- like, a thing?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean,” You smush your hands together, simulating a kiss. “A _thing_.”

John’s face looses color.

“Uh, we- we aren’t.” He stammers. “I mean, I don’t think so. Not at the moment.”

“Do you wanna be?”

“Can we not talk about this?” John stands up, pulls the photo from your lap, and sets it back on the nightstand. He adjusts it so that it perfectly faces the empty bed. “Tell me about the Condense, Roxy.”

You quickly explain the mystery surrounding her origin and her complete control over everything. You also tell him how your mother formed the Freedom Fighters, and her eventual death at The Condense’s hands.

“It was the biggest battle in the revolution that pretty much wiped out everyone who was a threat to her,” You finish. “As far as I know, there’s only a few Freedom Fighters left.”

“Is that who we’re going to see today?” John asks. “Is this Dirk one of the Freedom Fighters?”

“You could say that. He’s sort of their leader now. His brother died along with my mother.”

“Wow.” John is silent for a moment, then: “Listen, Roxy. I’m really sorry about your mom.”

“It was a while ago.”

“Still, I mean, I lost my dad a while ago too, but…” He trails off and shakes his head. “I’m just sorry you had to go thought that.”

Shrugging, you get to your feet. It’s time you got out of this room. It’s too quiet, everything is a little too neatly organized. It feels like a museum.

“Everyone’s lost someone.” You say. “Come on, John. It’s not a long drive to their base, but we should be quick about getting there. The less time we spend wandering about, the better.”

John agrees and follows you from the room, being careful to shut the door quietly. As if he might disturb someone. He certainly is a strange character, this John. Not in an entirely bad way though.

Something about him is a little… alluring.

You watch him like a total creeper as he washes his face in the kitchen sink. When you’d first seen him in that club he’d been so awkward and doofy that you’d found it practically impossible _not_ to flirt with him. Then later, when he’d told you his story, it was like he was a whole different person: badass, determined, and almost a little scary.

You think about his words when you’d questioned him about the version of your mother than he knew, _his_ Rose Lalonde. Were they romantically involved? Would John make a good boyfriend? He doesn’t seem like the type to be tied down. Everything about him, down to the way he walks, seems a little… floaty.

Maybe that’s just a part of his whole windy thing, which was yet another facet of John’s interesting character in of itself.

You make a mental note to mack on John when you get the chance.

You’re not desperate for companionship or anything. You’re independent woman with a knack for obliterating glass ceilings like Hacksaw Jim Duggan does two by fours. However, who are you to turn away a heaping pile of adorable man-meat when it’s presented on a silver platter. You can’t be a sassy bachelorette your whole life!

John catches you staring.

“Are you okay?” He asks. “You had a lot to drink last night.”

“I have a lot to drink every night.” You wave your hand noncommittally. “Are you ready to go yet?”

“Yup!” John shrugs on his coat while you track down Frigglish. You don’t plan on coming to this house again anytime soon, so leaving your partner in crime behind seems a little neglectful.

John follows you cheerily from the house until he’s once again faced with the motorbike. You watch his smile drift to a frown.

“What’s the matter?” You smirk. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of bikes.”

“I’m not! It’s just…” John rubs the back of his neck again. “I’m scared of your driving.”

This brings a peal of laughter from your lips. At no time in your life have you heard such an open display of honesty. It’s refreshing to find someone who doesn’t hide behind big talk and pretense.

“Well then, do _you_ want to drive?”

If anything, John’s eyes grow wider.

“Oh geez. I haven’t driven a car in years and I’ve _never_ driven a motorcycle.”

“Well then I guess that’s settled.” You pass him the bag full of cat and plop yourself back on the bike. You playfully pat the space behind you. “Hop on, Cowboy. Let’s ride!”

With a very un-cowboy-ish groan, John joins you on the death machine and you take off with enough speed to leave behind a puff of smoke, all the air in John’s lungs, and all your depressing thoughts back where they belong.

You ride back up the windy road and rejoin the traffic heading into the city, although before you get to the bridge, you take another detour and head down a two lane road that runs along the bay that surrounds the city. It’s still early morning, so the sun casts a pretty yellow glow over the frothy waves. A salty breeze runs parallel to the street and it ruffles your hair delightfully. Man, you need to hit up this beach again sometime, work on your tan, catch a few waves, check out all the sexy people, and…

You hear John gag as some of your hair gets in his mouth. You’d almost forgotten he was back there. His presence suddenly reminds you of the impeding destruction of your planet and then intergalactic quest your must undergo to save it.

Suddenly the beach seems more melancholy than anything else.

You stay on a straight line and eventually other vehicles fade away as you grow closer to the beach. The bike rumbles in complaint as you take it over a gravely road towards an abandoned shack near the sea. You bring the bike to a halt about a hundred yards away from the lone building.

“We should walk from here.” You explain. “These guys can be hella paranoid.”

“I’m more than okay with that.” John is quick to pull his hands from your waist. “Uh, you do know these guys, right? I mean, we aren’t just going to be walking into their base randomly, are we?”

“Oh no. Me and Dirk go waaaay back. We’re like G.D. BFFL’s and all that jazz.” You lead the way towards the crumbling shack. “This is totally going to be a painless process…”

You’re cut off when gun fire scatters the rocks at your feet.

“Roxy!” John grabs you by the arm and pulls you back.

“Don’t come any closer!” A voice echoes across the beach. “We’re armed with so many weapons and stuff that you don’t even know! We will not hesitate to give both of you shiny, new assholes!”

You raise your hands to show that you’re completely harmless.

“We’re completely harmless!” You call. “We just wanna talk to Dirk!”

“What’s in the bag?!” The voice responds.

You reach into John’s backpack and pull out Frigglish.

“A Cat!”

“Why do you have a cat?!”

“Because he gets lonely! Look, is this really important or can we come over now?!”

“Fine! You can approach, slowly!” The voice assents. “Although this better not be some Trojan Horse bullshit! Else I’m going to get in so much trouble!”

You motion to John to follow and carefully, the two of your approach the shack. It’s front door is barred with a cross beam that you easily duck under. On the other side is a pair of armed Freedom Fighters.

“Well, turn me upside down and call me a pixie.” One rebel, a tall girl grins. “If it ain’t RoLal herself.”

“RoLal and guest.” You bow and gesture to John, who’s clumsily scrambling under the beam. “We need to talk to Dirk. Is he here?”

“Where else would he be?” The girl walks to the center of the floor and lifts up a wooden pallet to reveal a fancy-looking, metal hatch in the floor. “Head on down. I think he’s in his room. Sorry about almost blowing out your kneecaps back there, RoLal. You can never be too careful nowadays.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just work on your aim. Alright, sweetie?” You pat her on the cheek as you pass and kneel to open the hatch. John follows you below ground and you shut the hatch, leaving the two Freedom Fighters above in their post.

“So you’re a Freedom Fighter too?” John asks as you lead the way down a narrow corridor.

“No, but like I’ve said: My mom was probably the biggest one who ever lived. I’m sort of a celebrity down here.” Sure enough, when the passageway opens up into a large room full of people, all eyes swivel to you. Hushed whispers follow you as you take John’s arm and lead him through the crowd.  You confidently stride to another doorway and into Dirk’s room.

Dirk Strider is sitting in a chair across from some douchebag with a pair of shades. They stop whatever intense conversation they were having when you walk in.

“Hey there, honey.” You wink. “Did you miss me?”

Before Dirk can speak, John brushes around you.

“Daaaaave!” He says.

“Jooooohn!” The other guy says.

They rush to each other and for a heart-breaking moment, you think they’re going to kiss. However, they simply bump fists and grin at each other in the most bromantic expression of appeasement you’ve ever seen. You breathe a sigh of relief. That last thing you need is for another crush to pulled out from under you in _that_ manner.

Speaking of crushes being ruined, Dirk rises from his chair.

“What are you doing here, Lalonde?” He asks, folding his arms.

“Lalonde?” The guy named Dave echoes. “John, who’s this babe?”

John takes both you and Dave by the shoulder and draws you together.

“Dave, this is Roxy Lalonde. Roxy, this is Dave Strider.”

“Strider?” It’s your turn to echo. “John, who is this guy?”

John opens his mouth to answer, but suddenly catches a glimpse of Dirk. His mouth hangs agape as he looks between you, Dave, Dirk, and then back to you again.

“I need to talk to Dave.” John says suddenly. “I mean, _privately_.”

“Not until you tell me who you are.” Dirk steps forward. “Who are you? Who let you in this super secret base that no one is supposed to know about?”

“It’s cool, Dirky. He’s with me.” You vouch for John.

“That doesn’t mean anything.” Dirk wheels on you. “What do you think you’re doing? Bringing your dates down here like it’s some big show-n-tell fest of fun. Where do you get off, RoLal?”

“Hey, leave her alone.” John frowns. “She brought me here because it’s really important that I talk to you.”

“You’re a little late on the draw, Bro.” Dave smirks. “I’ve already won him over.”

“You haven’t won anything yet, slick.” Dirk glares at Dave. “So far you’ve done nothing but babble about nonsensical bullshit. Someone better start giving me answers before I have all three of you kicked out of here.”

“You wouldn’t kick me out, Dirk.” You pat him on the shoulder. “We’re buds. Besides, I think you really need to hear what John has to say. It’s about the end of the world!”

“Not you too.” Dirk shrugs off your hand. “Christ on a bike, has the whole world gone mad?”

In response, John shuts the door, cutting off the chatter outside, and then turns to face the assembled crew. His face has taken on a strange hardened quality that you’ve never seen before.

“Alright. I think everyone should take a seat.” He says.

Instantly, Dave grabs a chair. You recognize now that John has entered _leader-mode_. With a shrug, you flop down onto Dirk’s bed, much to his annoyance. Dirk and John are the only ones left standing now.

“I don’t take orders from guys I don’t know.” Dirk says coolly. “Who are you, John?”

“I am John Egbert from earth.” John proclaims. “I am the Heir of Breath, friendleader to the beta kids, and all around nice guy that just wants to do what’s best for everyone. And right now what I think is best is that you listen to what I have to say.”

Dirk tilts his head slightly.

“You’re pal, Dave here, already gave me a spiel about aliens and video games. I highly doubt that you have anything more coherent to say.”

“Show him, John.” You interject. “Show him what you can do.”

With a wave of his hand, John manipulates the air in the room. Both you and Dave smirk as a few things fall from a desk and Dirk’s spiky hair becomes even more voluminous.

“Alright,” Dirk speaks as the wind dies. “Neat trick, but that doesn’t mean anything Dave said about the end of the world is true.”

“Well it is!” You stand up. “SBURB is real. I found files of it in The Condense’s systems. I can show you…”

“Roxy.” Dirk cuts you off by giving you the hand. “I don’t need this right now, okay? Not from you.”

You stubbornly open your mouth to defend yourself, but Dave speaks up then.

“I’ve told him everything, John.” He says. “He’s still not buying any of it.”

“I buy that both of you are a little off, yeah.” Dirk nods to John and Dave. “But look at it from my point of view. I’ve been running this revolution for a while now and it hasn’t been easy. Now you show up and want me to drop everything so that I can blow up the world and go on some wacky adventure with you guys? I mean, _seriously_?”

“If you come with us, then you’ll have a chance to rebuild this world without The Condense.” John raises a good point. “This world is doomed anyway. We wouldn’t have come here if it wasn’t. You have a chance to fix things, Dirk.”

“Even if I did want to believe you, how could I justify killing all those people out there.” Dirk nods towards the door. “Hell, all the people on this planet.”

“Because it’s like I said, in the end, everything will be better off because of it.” John pleads with him. “It wouldn’t just be your world you’re saving either. It’s ours too and our friends.”

“The trolls?” Dirk smirks.

“Yeah, that’s them!”

Dirk shakes his head.

“Wow, that’s amazing.” He looks between both John and Dave again. “You’re both insane, right? I mean, no one can take a joke _this_ far.”

“They aren’t joking, Dirk.” You try again.

“Roxy…”

“No!” You jump to your feet, cutting him off. “Why are you being such a dick?! I get that you’re precious revolution is so important, but you can’t ignore what these guys are saying and you sure as hell can’t treat me like shit!”

“I’m not treating you like shit.” Dirk replies calmly, only serving to infuriate you further. “I just don’t think you’re all that reliable of a reference.”

“And why the hell not?! Because I’m not a part of your silly gang?”

“Because you’re an alcoholic with an over-active imagination. And this _‘silly gang’_ is the legacy left behind by my Bro and your mother. It’s the only thing still standing against The Condense and I think you should treat it with a little more respect.”

“My mom died so that I wouldn’t have to fight in some stupid war, not to leave behind some _legacy_.”

“Is that really what you think happened?” Dirk is incredulous. “You think that your mom died so that you can hide between the cracks and just let injustice fill up the streets like acid rain? Roxy, it was our job to pick up where _they_ left off.”

“Not it wasn’t!” You jab him in the chest with a finger. “You did that, Dirk! You decided to play the hero…”

“While you did nothing, yeah I know.”

“I’ve been doing things!”

“Getting drunk and hanging out at clubs aren’t _things_ , RoLal.”

“Hey, I- I think we’re getting off track.” John tries to cut between the pair of you.

Dirk ignores him.

“Do you remember what happened after _they_ died?” He asks, advancing towards you. “I was left with half of an opposing force left. I needed your help Roxy and you turned your back on us. We wouldn’t be so bad off if you’d worked with us.”

“My mom didn’t…”

“Your mom sheltered you from the war because she thought you weren’t strong enough to fight, and she was right.” Dirk shakes his head, disappointed. “Get out of here, Roxy. Take your boyfriend and his pal and just go back to where you belong. I have a revolution to run.”

With that, he turns and sits down at his desk, putting his back to you.

You’re mouth hangs agape and stare at the back of his spiky, blonde head. Angrily wiping the beginnings of tears from your eyes, you reach for John’s hand.

“Come on, John. I made a mistake bringing you here.” You pull him towards the door. “I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

Dave jumps up from his chair and catches up with you and John just outside the door.

“Bro,” Dave grabs John’s other wrist. “We can’t walk out on this guy. He’s the _real_ deal.”

“I know.” John answers with a nod. “Listen, just wait here with Roxy, alright? I’m going to go talk to him.”

Before you can voice your opposition to this plan. John pulls away and reenters Dirk’s room, shutting the door behind him and leaving you with Dave.

“Do you think he can get through to him?” You ask Dave. “I mean, you already tried, right?”

Dave looks at you with a smirk.

“If anyone can do it, John can.” He leans against the wall, the epitome of cool. “In the meantime though, I’d like it if you told me exactly who you were, _Roxy Lalonde_. If that even is your real name.”

Bracing yourself for another intense conversation, you start off by telling him the truth.

“Me?” You place a hand to your chest and wink. “I’m the daughter of Rose Lalonde.”

Predictably, Dave’s reaction is priceless.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re about to give the most important leader-ly speech in your life. Thus far at least.

Dirk is sitting at his desk with his shoulders hunched. He looks like the type of guy that you really don’t want to disturb. However this is really important, so you’re going to do it anyways.

He turns when the door opens and closes.

“You.” Dirk frowns when he sees you. “What do you want, John? I thought I told you to scram.”

“You need to listen to what we have to say.” You approach him. “Dave and I came a long way, risked a whole lot, and put up with a lot of shit to get here. The least you can do is hear me out.”

Dirks sighs.

“Let’s pretend for a second that what you’re saying isn’t absolutely crazy, backwards, or convoluted. What do you want from me?”

“We need you to come with us and help save our worlds.” You simplify it greatly. “Basically there’s this evil black king that we need to destroy to beat SBURB.”

“Does it have to be me? Couldn’t you find someone else? For the last time, I’m already drowning in other, better-quality stuff.”

“Dave seems pretty convinced that you’re our player two,” You say. “And I’m partial to believe him. Also Roxy knows you so that’s a big plus. It sounds like you and her have some history.”

“You could say that. We both lost people to this war, but instead of continuing the fight like me, she just wanted to give up and lie low. If you’re looking for galactic saviors then…”

“I think Roxy is more of a galactic savoir than anyone I’ve met so far, other than her mother.”

“You knew Roxy’s mother?” Dirk raises an eyebrow.

“Sort of. It’s hard to explain and frankly I don’t understand it all that much.” You point toward the door. “Let me ask you something. Does Dave look familiar at all to you?”

Dirk is silent for a moment. Then he speaks truthfully:

“He looks like my Bro.”

“That’s because he _is_ your Bro. An alternate version at least.” You want to add: _I think_ , but decide not to since that might lessen the impact of the revelation. “And you’re his Bro too, different from the one he and I know and love.”

“Is other me cool?”

You have the feeling that you’re being mocked.

“He’s cool, yeah, although he hasn’t been himself for a long while.” You take a deep breath and press on. “Dirk, is there anything we can do to get you to take us seriously?”

He thinks for a moment, leaning back in his chair.

“Sure, there’s a couple of things.” As he starts to count on his fingers, you perk up. “One, get a copy of this game. Pictures and documents can be forged, but if you get a copy of SBURB on my desk, then I’ll _have_ to believe you.”

He points towards the door and the room beyond full of Freedom Fighters.

“These guys have been through hell and back. If you want something from me, then you gotta do something for them.” He explains. “We have this guy stationed off shore on a remote island. He usually supplies us with raw goods and reports on the movement of the CrockerCorp Navy. Recently he’s gone dark. If you find out what happened to him, then I’ll be in your debt.”

“He’s just gone missing?”

“I think so. Basically he hasn’t been picking up the phone.” Dirk climbs to his feet. “We haven’t had any guys to spare to go investigate, so now’s the perfect opportunity to take advantage of your position. You scratch my back, I’ll travel with you to an alternate dimension and help you fight aliens… maybe.”

Dirk holds out his hand and without hesitation, you take it.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, Dirk Strider.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had this whole AN planned where I was gonna talk about the new Avengers trailer...
> 
> Then I read the Homestuck Update. *HS SPOILERS AHEAD. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT KNOW.*  
> First off, how good was that art? This is Hussie's best looking animation yet in my opinion.  
> Secondly, HOLY FUCKING SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. Rose's face... Dave and Jade... Jake... so heroic... so G.D. heroic man.... literally everyone else...  
> Thirdly, look at John kicking ass!  
> Now, by looking at a conversation between Meenah and Aranea pre-giga pause, it's basically stated that this is a doomed timeline. So maybe everyone is okay elsewhere? Also, with John's canon-changing abilities, he might be able to set things straight. We'll have to wait and see.  
> *END OF HS SPOILERS.*  
> A small part of me wants to see the aftermath though. Just for kicks.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	50. ACT 6 - PART 5

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means your life has essentially become a real life RPG. Like seriously, here you are about to go on another side-quest for some bullshit goal completely unrelated to the main task at hand.

**MACGUFFIN TIME!**

“This is literally the worst idea you’ve ever had.” Dave folds his arms in barely suppressed anger. In all your years as Dave’s main man, you’ve never seen him _this_ hot. “I mean, John. Think about this for a second…”

“I have thought about it, a lot actually.” You and Dave are standing outside the rebel base. The bay stretches out ahead and by the shore, Roxy waits with a small boat. “I’ll be back before you even know I’m gone and then Dirk will trust us.”

“I should be going with you.”

“Well I need you here.” You turn to Dave, donning your most serious face. “You have to keep an eye on Dirk, make sure he doesn’t run off on some dangerous mission or something. Maybe you could even talk to him and help convince him that he needs to help us out.”

Dave scoffs.

“You really think I have anything new to say that will change his mind? He may be an alternate version of my Bro, but he _is not_ my Bro. I have no idea what makes him tick.”

“Now’s your chance to find out then.” You respond. “How’s that making you feel, by the way? All this alternate universe stuff, I mean.”

“It’s nothing crazier than what we’ve already seen.” He shrugs. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a little spooked to run into Rose’s hot mom and… and Dirk, but I guess there’s not much that can be done about it. We gotta work with what we’re given, right?”

“Right and now you’ve got to stay here, understood?”

“Psshh. Sure. Whatever.” Dave turns and starts back towards the base.

“Catch up with Jade.” You call after him. “Bring her up to speed with what’s going on and see how she’s doing.”

He doesn’t respond, but ducks inside the not-so-abandoned shack again. Apparently you have a limit to the number of orders you can dispense at a time. Oh well, you know he’ll talk to Jade anyways. No harm done.

You just wish he’d said goodbye.

With a heavy heart, you trudge over the sand and loose rocks towards the boat. Roxy is waiting with her legs draped over the edge, dangling her feet in the water and fanning herself with one of those neat geisha fans that you see in movies.

“Ahoy, Ishmael!” She grins as you approach. “Ready hit the high seas?”

“You don’t have to come. You know that, right?”

“I’d rather face the frigid ocean waters than deal with another second of Dirk’s fucking bullshit.” She snaps her fan closed and climbs into the boat proper. She offers you a hand. “Besides, you don’t look like the sailing type. Do you even know where we’re supposed to be going?”

“Well, yeah.” You take her hand and climb aboard. Unsurprisingly, you’re a little unstable on the small craft. “Dirk gave me a map.”

“Oh, I suppose you were just going to follow all the roads then, huh?”Roxy motions with her hand and you give her the map. “Hmm. We better get going if we want to get back by tomorrow.”

“Last chance to change your mind.” You nod back towards the base. “Dave could probably use your help here.”

“Yeah, but you _definitely_ need my help out there. Face it, John. You brought me into this mess, now you’re stuck with me. Now put on one of those floaty-vests. You don’t look like the swimming type either.”

Once both of you are settled, Roxy starts up the small engine and the propeller begins to push your boat forward. As the shore fades into the distance, you start to wonder if maybe this is just some ploy by Dirk to get rid of you. He doesn’t seem like the type of guy to be so underhanded, but then again, maybe you bothered him too much?

Oh, well. It’s too late to worry about that now. Also the rewards of this mission far outweigh the risks in your mind. If you’re going to get Dirk on your team, then you need more than a quick explanation and a simple lack of cultural knowledge. You need credibility, which is exactly what this mission will get you.

So maybe it’s not MacGuffin Time after all?

“I can’t believe how ugly that looks.” Roxy’s words draw you from your thoughts.

You follow her gaze and find the Rainbow Falls sky-line is also beginning to fade away. Specifically, you assume she’s referring to the ostentatiously-large CrockerCorp tower, which looms over the other buildings and seems to be mad dogging you even from this distance.

“How long has it been there?” You ask.

“As long as The Condense has been around, so basically forever.” She folds her arms on the railing and leans over the water. “My mother always told me that she was going to tear that thing down brick by brick. She never really got the chance though, I suppose.”

You say nothing. Roxy continues.

“Do you think that Dirk was right? Am I disrespecting her memory by not fighting by his side?”

“I… I don’t know.” You answer honestly. Roxy looks a little crestfallen, so you add quickly: “I mean, so far your mother sounds a lot like the Rose that I know and based off of that…”

You trail off.  Suddenly, you realize that you have no idea what you’re talking about and therefore default to honesty mode.

“I don’t think you’re a bad person for not fighting, Roxy.”

Her face brightens slightly, although that may just be a trick of the water bouncing off the waves.

“Real talk here, John. Have you ever- like- I dunno... Run away because you were scared?” She asks.

 For some reason, this seems important to her. You wonder how long it’s been since she actually talked to someone about this stuff, or even if she ever has.

You wrack your brains, thinking back to all the times you were afraid. Have you ever shied from a fight? There were plenty of times where you got your ass kicked, sure, but you can’t think of a single time you backed down, or hid, or ran away specifically out of fear.

“No.” You answer finally. “But that’s because I had my friends with me. They didn’t let me down, so I couldn’t let them down either.”

“Hmmm.” Roxy trails her fingertips over the water thoughtfully. “It’s been a long time since I had real friends, John.”

“Well you’ve got some now.”

This brings a smile to her lips and when she turns to look at you, it’s that now familiar, confident grin. She scoots across the seat and sidles up next to you.

“You’re a nice guy, John. I like that.” She winks. “We should date.”

“Haha. Yeah- wait, what?”

“You heard me.”

“Roxy.”

“John.”

You’re suddenly pressed up against the edge of the boat, in serious risk of tumbling overboard. Now more than ever, you wish that Dave was here too.

“I-I dunno if that’s a good idea.” You stammer, wishing that she was wearing pants instead of that damn skirt. “I mean, we barely know each other and…”

“HAHAHAHA!” Her sudden laughter is nearly enough to give you a heart attack. “Jesus Christ, you should have seen your face, Johnny. You would have thought I’d just asked you to sign up with the devil. HA!”

“What? No! I don’t think you’re the devil!”

“It was a figure of speech.” Roxy shifts back to a respectable distance. “Anyways, you know I’m just joshin you. I know you have a huge boner for my daughter-mom.”

“I don’t have a huge thing for anyone!”

“Is that so?”

“Hell yeah, it is!” You clench your fists on your knees. “God, why is everyone so up in my romantic life?”

“You do have a romantic life then?” Roxy looks at you slyly, like she’s just coaxed some revelation from you.

“Not in the way you think.”

“Well then how is it really?”

You shrug and find yourself staring at the water now. The further you’ve gotten away from shore, the more choppy things have become.

“I dated an alien for a while.” You say simply.

It’s a testament to Roxy’s character that she doesn’t openly laugh at you.

“Really, what was that like?” She asks with interest.

“It was… rough. Like, at first she was all bossy, then she’d randomly get all emotional and everything would be okay, and after she died I didn’t see her for a while, and when I finally did, she got all bossy again. I didn’t know if I could really trust her either. Like she was known for a being a manipulative bitch.” You twist your fingers absentmindedly in your lap. “We had lots of sex too, which was awesome at first, but then… I thought I loved her, you know? Like I always thought that I was _supposed_ to love her because of what happened. But after a while… I dunno. I sort of think that I might hate her.”

Roxy evidently wasn’t expecting to open up a whole damn of pent-up relationship drama. She simply stares at you for a while, halfway between laughter and a frown.

“Well, what can I say, John?” She eventually smirks. “Love is a battlefield."

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“So, you’ve yet to give me a straight, honest answer.”

“About what? I’ve been pretty honest this whole time.”

“Not about my daughter-mom. As her alternate dimension counterpart, I think I deserve to know if you plan to court her or not.”

You sigh and rub at your face. This doesn’t feel like the time, place, or company to discuss this. But… a small part of you wants to talk about this more than anything else.

“I… do like Rose.” You admit. “I’ve liked her for a long time.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Roxy waves her hand noncommittally. “Life’s too short to like someone from afar.”

“But that feels like the only thing I can do, really.” Now it’s your turn to shift closer to Roxy. “Rose dated this other alien too for a while and then they broke up and there’s probably all these leftover dregs of feelings and I feel like if I come in on that, then I’ll be intruding. Also, all of this seems really insignificant in the grand scheme of things and I just feel silly talking about it.”

“Well you shouldn’t, it’s perfectly natural for people to feel this way, especially when there’s heavier stuff going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot of shit and when things get heavy, it’s normal for people to turn towards things that are familiar.” Roxy leans in close, as if she’s sharing a secret. “Things that used to _seem_ challenging, like romance.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“Of course it does!” She tosses her hands in the air. “ _I_ said it.”

“So basically you’re saying that I should go for it?” You ask, maybe a little hopefully.

“Yeeeeeaaaa- maybe?” Roxy shrugs. “I honestly don’t know enough to make a judgment call like that. Based off what I know about you though,” She leans in closer still. “Any girl would be an idiot to reject you.”

You smile at her.

“Thanks, Roxy.”

A peaceful silence drifts between the two of you then, tinged with some palpable scent of underlying tension. For a while, no one talks but the ocean waves against the sides of your boat.

 You can’t help but stare at Roxy out of the corner of your eye, as if she might suddenly attack. After all this time, you think you’d be more comfortable around attractive girls. Something about Roxy though just seems to keep you on edge.

You regret not letting Dave come now. He’d probably break the silence with a quick joke or a horrible rap, something that could get this girl to stop frowning.

When the island comes into view, you have to resist jumping for joy.

“This is it.” Roxy returns to the wheel and pulls the ship towards the shore. “Welcome to the Misty Mountain Islands.”

The island is pretty small actually, but heavily populated with jungle foliage. Sure enough, a large mountain seems to rise from the center like a rocky spire. You’ve only ever seen pictures of places like this and for a moment, you’re struck by it’s beauty.

“Do people come out here often?” You ask as the boat bumps along into the shallow.

“Nope, even though it’s pretty close to the city, the Condense usually controls all water traffic.” Roxy plops down on the bench and starts tugging on her shoes. Then she reaches under her seat and pulls out a rifle.

“Shit!” You can’t help but gasp. “Where did you get that thing?”

“I may have paid a visit to Dirk’s armory.” She fiddles with the dangerous weapon. “I mean, what kind of jerk gives us a boat but not a gun? I’m sure he won’t miss it.”

Slinging it over her shoulder she jumps down into the water and begins wadding towards the jungle. Once again, you’re left, following some dangerous woman into the unknown.

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. As if you’d like to go on some dangerous mission to a secluded island. Psshh. You’d much rather sit on your ass and do nothing.

_“Calm down!”_

“I am calm!” You turn and kick the nearest wall as hard as you can.

From the other side of the concrete, you hear a startled yell. Then someone responds with their own series of bangs.

“Keep it down out there,” A muffled voice yells. “I’m trying to get my eagle on!”

 “I don’t even know what that is!” You slam your fists against the wall and shout back. “Don’t tell me what to do, asshat!”

“Don’t make me come out there!”

“Bring it!”

_“Dave!!!”_ Jade’s voice is shrill in your head. _“Stop it! Don’t make a scene!”_

“What scene? There are no scenes being made. I’m like the anti-Bill Shakespeare, absolutely zero scenes.” But even as you speak, you turn to find a dozen pairs of curious eyes staring at you from down the hall. “What? You’ve never seen a guy talk to himself before? Scram, before I open up a whole can of freshly squeezed lunatic on your asses!”

_“Dave, get somewhere private where we can talk. Now!”_

Schooling your emotions, activating your _‘cool’_ filters, and brushing past the congregated onlookers, you make your way down the hall and back into the main room. You’ll head topside and wait on the beach for John to get back, talking with Jade in the meantime.

Yeah. That sounds nice.

_“You need to control your emotions better.”_ Jade takes the time you spend walking to chew you out. _“How productive is it to flip shit whenever something doesn’t go your way? John’s made his choice, so deal with it, fuckass!”_

“Christ, you sound like Rose. Why do all these ladies think they can nag at me all the time?”

_“This ‘lady’ happens to be your girlfriend! I can nag whenever I damn please!”_ You can almost picture her indignant scowl. _“Are you somewhere we can talk yet?”_

“No. I’m going outside, just give me…” You suddenly find your path blocked by Dirk.

“Sup, Dave.” He says, casually nodding his head and sending his blonde hair a-flippin. “You got a second?”

You’re halfway through brushing this guy off, when John’s orders come back to mind. Damn, you hate when Egbert makes decisions that you don’t like. You hate them even more when they make sense. You’ll have to put off your talk with Jade.

“Sure, sure,” You rub your forehead. You’re starting to get a headache. “What is it?”

“What do you _think_ it is?” Dirk’s snark is the last thing you need, but you miraculously hold your tongue. He motions for you to follow. “Step into my office.”

His office is really his bedroom and it’s more of a short walk then a single step. Somehow you keep quiet about this too and mutely follow him into the small chamber. After the door shuts, he begins:

“So I guess we’re alternate dimension Bro’s. Do you want a drink?” Dirk sinks into this computer chair and stares at you patiently. From under the bed, slinks the mutant cat, Frigglish.

“What do you want, Dirk.” You reply simply, as Frigglish twists around your ankles and purrs.

“Fine.” He shrugs, apparently determined to take your rudeness in stride. “If you want to get straight to the point and avoid a whole bunch of forced, awkward bonding, that’s fine by me. I just want to know if I can trust you or not.”

“You’ve already sent John on that bullshit mission, what else do we have to do?”

“All that proves is that John trusts _me_.” Dirk sighs. “Look, I’d have to be an idiot to not buy all this alternate dimension stuff. I mean, you look exactly like my Bro, John has that windy shit, Roxy’s on your side…” He trails off, then: “I just want to know who I’m dealing with here.”

“You know who I am.” You fold your arms. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“I wanna know that if I go with you, whether or not it will actually make a difference.” He leans forward. “Level with me, Dave. Who am I dealing with?”

“John, me, my sister: Rose, which is Roxy’s mom, and my girlfriend: Jade. We’re humans just like you. Hell, for the longest time we thought we were the only ones left.” You answer. “Like both John and I have said, we’ve been sent here to find you guys.”

“ _Us_ specifically because we’re related to you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then.” Dirk nods. “Well, do you have any questions for me?”

“Yea, as a matter of fact, I do. Are you coming with us or not?”

He chuckles and rubs at his eyes under his shades.

“I… don’t know yet.” He gestures towards the closed door and the room beyond. “If I say yes, then everyone out there will die, and that’s something I’ve tried to avoid for years.”

“If you say yes, then you can _save_ everyone. Even those controlled by the Condense. You can even…” You swallow hard. “You can even bring your brother back.”

He simply stares at you for a moment. Eyes unreadable behind dark lenses.

“I could, couldn’t I? He eventually says, after a small pause he continues: “Do you know how my Bro died?”

“He died with Roxy’s mom, right? Fighting the war?”

“Yeah. It was them two verses The Condense in the most epic battle of all time. She slaughtered them completely.” His fists clench on his knees as he talks. “What I wouldn’t give to wipe that tyrannical bitch off the face of the earth.”

“Well now’s your chance.”

Dirk just nods.

“How did you lose your Bro?” He asks suddenly.

You’re taken aback for a moment. Bro asking about himself? Strange, but then again you should have seen that coming.

“He’s not dead.” You answer. “We were… separated after entering the game. He’s still out there somewhere. I’m going to find him.”

“I see, that’s…”

“It would be easier if I had _your_ help.” You cut him off. “With you and Roxy and whoever else we find, John and I could beat this game for real, I could find my Bro, you could save your world. Dirk, it’s so obvious that this is the real deal it’s almost painful.”

_“Tell him that if he doesn’t come, that I’ll kick his ass.”_

“Shut up. I’m busy.”

Dirk raises his eyebrow.

“Excuse me?” He says.

“Not you.” You wave him off. “I’m talking to my girlfriend telepathically and it’s really hard to have two conversations going at once.”

“Well, go talk to her then.” Dirk turns to his computer. “I’ve got some thinking to do.”

“Uh, okay?” You wait a second, but he doesn’t turn back around again. Obviously, you’ve been dismissed.

As soon as you’re outside, Jade speaks up again.

_“What was that about? Do you think you’ve won him over?”_

“I dunno, but I probably didn’t hurt our chances.”

_“Well that’s a good thing. Are you feeling better then?”_

“Yeah,” Shoving your hands in your pockets you head through the throng of people. “I think so.”

_“Good. This is good! You and Dirk are becoming friends! Maybe the dynamic of our group won’t be broken up after all!”_

“Eh, I wouldn’t be so sure, babe.” You slowly meander your way out of the base and out into glorious, open air once more. “Let’s just worry about one thing at a time. How are you holding up?”

_“Ugh, my legs are killing me, I’m hungry as fuck, I’m tired, Kanaya doesn’t want to talk to me, this is awful!”_

“I’m sorry, Jade. This will all be over soon, I promise.”

_“You think so?”_

“Well, yeah. I’m like, sixty percent sure.”

_“Sixty percent!? That’s hardly a majority at all!”_

“What do you want from me? I’m the time guy, not the percentage guy.” Despite yourself, you chuckle. “Okay, I don’t know for sure how long this is going to last.” You look over the bay, towards where John disappeared. “But I promise you, everything is going to be okay… I think.”

* * *

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are now Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. You’ve managed to insert yourself into a sweet mission of the most exotic of proportions.

You and your travel companion, John, have just made shore on Misty Mountain Island. Per orders to find Dirk’s missing contact. There better not be any crazy jungle traps out here, or else you’re going to be pissed!

Unfurling the map given to John by Dirk, you try to plot a course through the thick, jungle foliage.

“Have you ever been camping?” You ask your partner in crime.

“Uh, no. Absolutely not.” John answers from behind as he struggles over a fallen tree trunk. “Have you?”

“When I used to live with my mom, I went all the time. She never came though, since she didn’t like the wilderness.  Which is bullshit, because we lived in that G.D. forest for as long as I can remember.”

John laughs.

“Yeah, I don’t think the Rose I know is much of a camper either.”

“Is she, like, a total prude?”

“Well, not really.” He thinks for a while. “She can be a little stern, I guess. But she’s not afraid to get her hands dirty or have fun. Just wait until you meet her, you’ll see. Rose will magic your socks off.”

“She better.” The prospect of meeting a younger version of your mother causes your stomach to churn slightly. Talking with John about it helps though. He makes your mother sound… human. “Hey, I just thought of something.”

“What?”

“Should we look for your son while you’re here? Maybe he could be your third player?”

You hear a loud rustling sound as John fumbles through some bushes, either because your words startled him or because he just tripped. Probably both.

“Oh, geez. I dunno, Roxy.” He comes to a stop and leans against a tree. “I mean, I guess that makes sense, but…”

“But you don’t think you’re ready to see your dad again.” You finish, joining him by the tree. “I get that.”

“I bet you do.” John laughs lightly. “Aw man, I hope Dave isn’t freaking out too much. I didn’t really think about how awkward it might be leaving him with alone Dirk again.”

“I’m sure they’re fine.” You wave the thought off. “Dirk may come off as a heartless sonovabitch, but he misses his brother. He’ll treat Dave alright.”

“I hope so. How much further to the mountain?”

You push away from the tree and look back at the map.

“Let’s see. We’re right next to the crooked trees.” You look up and pinpoint a pair of busted-up trees. “So if we keep going straight, we should pass the rock cliff that looks like Richard Oldman and by that point it’s only like maybe a hundred yards.”

“Who’s Richard Oldman? Is that like your version of Randy Newman?”

“What? How am I supposed to know that?” You lead the way forward once more. “Richard Oldman is an actor. He played Egor Korshunov in Air Force One.”

“Ooooh. So he’s your version of _Gary_ Oldman. I guess that makes sense.”

“John you’re a weird guy. Haha.”  

Damn! Even when this guy says stupid stuff you wanna give him a smooch.

 Can you blame yourself though? How can you resist an adorable guy with superpowers who drops into your world and turns it completely upside down? It’s essentially impossible!

You’re still chuckling and thinking about smooches when suddenly the ground gives way beneath your feet.

“Roxy!” John’s fingers wrap around your arm, but it’s too late.

Both of you give a strangled yell as the earth disappears and sends you tumbling into darkness.

“John!”

You grab him by the coat and cling to him tightly. Surely he’ll save you from a horrible crash landing with some of his windy powers, right? There’s nothing left to do besides close your eyes and hope.

The wind howls in your ears, but your descent has begun to slow. After a moment of bated breath, you are lowered to a flat surface.

“Uh, you can open your eyes now…”

You do so and find John to be hovering over you.

“My hero!” You grin and push him away. “Ah, shit! Skeletons!”

Sure enough, the bottom of the pit is littered with human bones and unfortunate animal carcasses. You’ve fallen into a ridiculous, jungle trap and you _are_ pissed!

“Someone’s blocked us in.” John is looking back up the whole, where a metal grate has suddenly appeared over its mouth. “Dammit! Why does this always happen to me!”

“It’s my fault. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” With John’s help, you climb to your feet and dust off your skirt. You examine the nearest skeleton. “Damn, it looks like these guys fell, broke their butts, and then starved to death.”

“Really?”

“Nope. What the hell do I look like? A doctor?” You stoop and grab something off the floor. It’s a silver badge in the shape of a spoon. “Orderlings.” You explain, passing it to John. “Dirk’s contact must have set up traps to keep them away.”

“If the Orderlings are here, do you think they’ve gotten to him?” John muses. “How long has it been since Dirk heard from this guy? I mean, these skeletons look pretty old.”

“He’s probably been fending off The Condense’s troops for years.  We got to get out of here, John.”

No sooner are the words from your mouth, then a hidden door to your left suddenly opens with a metallic hiss. You and John stare in wonder down a dark passage, lit dimly with artificial light.

“I guess we’re being invited in.” John steps forward cautiously. “Stay close, okay?”

Nodding, you shoulder your rifle and follow. The corridor leads from the pit, down a set of stone steps, and into a much larger room. As soon as you step from the hallway, another door seals it shut.

_“Welcome intruders!”_   A metallic voice squawks from a hidden speaker. _“It’s jolly good luck that you’ve decided to stop by. I’ve been meaning to test this new trap out for ages!”_

“Who are you?” John demands of the mysterious voice. “You can’t trap us down here.”

_“Who am I? I’m the owner of this island, and therefore, can trap whoever I well please. I’ve been out-foxing chumps like you for ages. The Condense should know by now that it’ll take more than a rifle-girl and her boyfriend to get to me!”_

“Uh, just for the record.” You raise your hand. “John isn’t my boyfriend. He has a huge boner for my mom.”

“I don’t have a huge thing for anyone!”

_“Well I’ll be damned! This conversation really is interesting, but I’ve got some other work to do. Now I could just kill you chaps right now, but where’s the fun in that?”_ The voice continues. _“I’ll give you a fighting chance.”_

“Dirk sent us.” John blurts, appealing to the mystery speaker who is most likely Dirk’s missing contact. “We’re with the Freedom Fighters.”

_“Oh really? By Jove! That’s what the last guy said. Let me just open up the door and let you into my inner sanctum.”_

“Really?”

_“NO! What kind of tosser do you take me for?”_ Suddenly a hidden panel on the wall reveals itself. Set into a metallic consol is a speaker. _“Here are the rules, chap and chapette. There isn’t much entertainment on this bloody island and I’ve got a hankering for some musical expression. If you sing me a song, then Bob’s your uncle, the door will open. Otherwise, I’ll crush you with my wicked crushing ceiling, is that understood?”_

You give a little jolt of surprise when the ceiling suddenly drops a few feet towards you. Ugh. You really hate stupid, jungle traps!

“Be reasonable!” You cry. “We aren’t here to hurt you, honestly!”

_“I don’t hear any singing!”_

The ceiling drops another few feet. You turn to your partner.

“John! We have to…”

“Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass, and I’m home bound! Danananananana, nanana nanannaa!” John is nervously singing by your side. “Staring blankly ahead, making my way, making my way through the crowd. Danananananana, nanana nanannaa!”

He looks at you, eyes wide, and without hesitation you pick up the slack.

“Dananana! And I need you! Dananananana!”

“And I miss you!”

“Danananana!”

“And now I wonder…”

“If I could fall, into the sky,” You take John by the hand. “Do you think time, would pass us by!”

“Oh, you know I’d walk a thousand miles if I could just see you.” He draws nearer.

“If I could just hooooOoooOOold you.” You can’t help but show off.

You and John finish together:

“Toniiiiiiiight…”

Suddenly, you and John are very close. An inch is all it would take and the deal could be sealed with just a brush of your lips against…

_“Holy shit. That was… something. Er… the door’s open now if you guys want to keep going.”_  The mystery voice sounds a little uncomfortable.  _“I mean, I don’t wanna be that guy, but this is sort of supposed to be a right bugger’s muddle and I feel like you guys are undermining this.”_

John pulls away as your face burns. God damn, you need to get _laid_.

“Uh, come on.” Still linked by the fingers, John pulls you forward and towards a new door. “Let’s get out of here.”

You nod, muted by embarrassment, and follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my golden rings! This is old news by now, but The Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer is up! I gotta tell you guys, I was pumped for this movie before, but now I am BLAZED DA FUCK UP! Freaking, Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Ultron, and Hulkbuster?!? It's a comic nerds wet dream, not to mention the possibility that Captain Marvel and Black Panther might make an appearance. That's just a rumor, of course, but still it could be awesome. I'm a little sad that Hank Pym won't be in it, but I understand their reasoning. By making Tony Stark the creator of Ultron, it perfectly sets up Civil War for Cap'n America 3, which is looking more and more likely with every bit of news that's released.
> 
> I could talk for ages about this trailer and the film, but I won't because that'd be annoying. Anyways, I just feel bad for all the suckers at Warner Bros, who are struggling to catch up by throwing all this Justice League stuff at us. That being said, I'm pumped for Wonder Woman and Sandman.
> 
> I don't care about new 52. I still dislike Aquaman. I hope we can still be friends.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	51. ACT 6 - PART 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to arising demon for commenting.

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’re trapped in the horrible twisted maze by _someone_ that you’re supposed to be helping. Oh, also you’re with an incredibly pretty girl that may or may not have a crush on you.

You’re probably more scared of Roxy than you are of these traps.

“Are you alright, John?” Roxy asks. “You’re all sweaty.”

“I’m just… hot. It’s really hot down here.” You answer quickly.

It’s actually quite the opposite. The underground tunnels of the Misty Mountain Islands are paramount to an icebox, with temperatures cold enough to probably freeze Dave’s sickest of hot fires.

“Take off this stupid blazer then.” She says as she tugs on your sleeve. “I can’t have you passing out on my, Johnny. We’re supposed to be getting the G.D. hell out of this maze.”

From a hidden speaker, the metallic voice once again makes an appearance.

_“Correction, madame. This isn’t really a maze. It’s actually pretty straight forward.”_ The voice says. _“If you just keep following the hallway, you’ll find your next challenge.”_

“We don’t have time to do your dumb challenges!” You shout back. You’re starting to get fed up with all this rigmarole. “Dirk Strider sent us to talk to you. He said that you’ve cut off all communication with him and we’re supposed to find out why.”

_“By Jove! Why are you such a bloody liar? Dirk wouldn’t waste any of his precious Freedom Fighters on a mission as silly as that.”_

“We aren’t Freedom Fighters!” Roxy explains. “My name is Roxy Lalonde and I’m a friend of Dirk’s. We’re doing this as a favor to him.”

_“Roxy Lalonde…”_ The voice repeats. There’s a moment of static then: _“I must look at something. Be back in a jiffy!”_

Then there’s nothing but silence. You look to Roxy, who simply shrugs back.

“Maybe he’ll let us out since your mother was a famous Freedom Fighter?” You offer hopefully.

“Maybe.” Roxy peers ahead, into the darkness off the tunnels ahead. “Do you think we should keep moving or wait here?”

“He told us to wait, right?”

“Well, he just said that he’d be back… So, I dunno.”

You scratch your chin thoughtfully and become annoyed when you find the beginnings of stubble. Beards are no fun, especially when you try to get rid of them. You’ll have to shave the next chance you get before things get out of hand again.

“Let’s just go a little bit further.” You cautiously lead the way forward. “If there’s something super deadly ahead, then we’ll just come back. Who knows? We might even find the exit.”

“That’s what I like about you, John. You’re so optimistic!”

“Heh, yeah.” You’re starting to sweat again. “I guess so.”

The path ahead is clear, nothing but the same, dimly lit, long, narrow passage that you’ve seen before. As you walk, you trail a finger over the wall, looking for some hidden door or anything that might lead to a way out.

Roxy scuffs her shoes behind you with her rifle poised at the ready. Under her breath, she hums the tune that you sang earlier to escape the first chamber.

“You know, I always thought that song was really good.” She says after a while. “I mean, it’s just so catchy and feel-good.”

“If any song had to be an inter-dimensional constant, I suppose it would be a Vanessa Carlton one, right?” You chuckle.

“Totes! Haha.” Roxy grins. “I completely forgot for a second that you were an alien.”

“I’m not an…” You catch yourself. “Hey, I guess from your point of view I sort of am an alien, huh?”

“Yup. You’re a regular E.T. Haha.” Skipping to your side, she bumps you with her elbow. “So, Mister Alien, you’re not gonna probe me, are you?”

“Oh, geez.” You pull at the collar of your shirt. “Uh, no? Definitely not. That’s totally something that I don’t want to do right now.”

“HAHA! I go you again! Jesus, you’re too easy, John.” She slaps your arm hard enough to sting. “You seriously need to lighten up. I mean, it’s not like we’re trapped underground in a dangerous maze or anything.”

“Honestly, I’ve got so much other stuff to think about right now that this backwards flirting is really screwing me up.” You admit.

“Okay, okay. I can take a hint.” Roxy nods sympathetically. “Straight forward flirting it is then.”

“Ugh.”

The pair of you continue down the corridor and up a set of steps to another large room. This one is circular through and a skylight in the roof opens up to blue sky. Finally, your luck is beginning to turn around.

“Here,” You slide a hand around Roxy’s waist. “Hold on. I’m going to fly us out of here.”

With a wave of your hand, the wind picks you up and floats you and Roxy up through the hole. You’ve reemerged into a jungle clearing, with the mountain on the center of the island closer than ever.

“Psshh,” Roxy snorts and steps away from you. “So much for our next _challenge_. I’ve gotten out of t-shirts tighter than that.”

“I wouldn’t taunt him if I were you, we’re still in the-“

You’re cut off by a loud whistling sound that vibrates through the air. Looking up, you see a streak of bright red floating among the clouds.

“Shit!” Roxy gasps. “John, we gotta go!”

She grabs you by the arm and begins to tug you towards the forest, seeking shelter in the trees. You run after her, casting glances over your shoulder towards the mysterious, flying, blob of red as it steadily grows closer and closer.

“What is it?” You ask, but Roxy does not answer.

Ducking behind a large clump of jungle foliage, Roxy drags you down by her side. Her grip is like steel on your arm and you notice that she’s holding her breath with apprehension. You do the same and simply listen as the whistling sound becomes louder.

Suddenly, with an earth-shattering _thud_ the ground beneath your feet shakes violently. Roxy lets out a little _‘eep’_ and you steady her by gripping her shoulder. Metallic hisses and clangs can be heard in the clearing as something very large moves around.

“John,” Roxy hisses as you start to move. “Don’t…”

“I’m just going to look.” You respond, equally hushed.

Carefully parting a pair of large leaves, you gaze into the clearing. A large, no, _enormous_ humanoid robot is stomping down the grass not twenty yards away. The shiny, steel plates that compose it’s body are painted a bright red and it’s equally rosy, glowing eyes rove over the ground searching for… something.

_You_.

After spotting the white spoon symbol on it’s breast, you duck down once more.

“CrockerBot?” You whisper to Roxy.

She nods yes and presses a finger to her lips.

You get the message. You should probably shut up now.

The two of you stay huddled together for quite some time as the CrockerBot continues to search the immediate area. More than once, you feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up as it approaches your hiding spot, but it never moves further into the jungle beyond the clearing.

After about five minutes, you’re starting to wonder if it’ll just leave or if you’ll be forced to fight it. A split second before you raise this question to Roxy, a loud _bang_ echoes through the trees. With a speed not usually associated with objects so large, the CrockerBot takes to the air again to investigate the noise.

The whirlwind left in it’s wake tousles your hair and parts the canopy enough for you to see the android disappear into the sky again.

“That was a gunshot.” Roxy explains, standing up.

“Do you think someone is in trouble?”

“They certainly are now.” She shivers at some bad thought. “That CrockerBot is following the noise. Whoever fired that shot is as good as dead.”

Stepping back into the clearing you try to catch another glimpse of it.

“What’s so bad about them?”

“Really?” Roxy laughs. “John, it’s a ten-foot-tall killer robot with machine guns and cannons and steel plating harder than Dirk Strider’s stupid head. Trust me when I say this: they are baaaaad news.”

“Alright, avoid CrockerBots. Got it.” You nod. “Well, we know one thing for certain now. If the Condense has robots on this island, than she’s definitely got it out for Dirk’s friend. We need to find him, Roxy.”

“Look no further!” Calls a new voice. You turn to find a boy about your age striding towards you. “You have no idea how capital it is to see you chaps in one piece.”

You recognize his voice as the mystery guy from the maze. Roxy must as well, as she immediately knees the guy right in the gut.

“You don’t know how happy _I_ am to see _you_ either, maze boy.” She grabs him by the collar and hauls him to his feet. “Who the hell are you?”

“J-Jake English.” Splutters the boy. He’s dressed in a dark green shirt and the shortest pair of shorts you’ve ever seen. Thin, wiry glasses cover his eyes and a thick, English accent tinges his voice. “I- I’m a member of the Freedom Fighters...”

“And Dirk’s contact.” You finish. “Was it you that lead the CrockerBot away?”

“Yes!” Jake grins. “A mere diversion to get that old rust bucket’s noggin a-twisted. I figured the two could use my help!”

“Oh, yeah? One second you’re making us sing and threatening to us into flat stacks. Now you’re helping us out.” Roxy glares at Jake. “Why the change of heart?”

“I didn’t have a bleeding clue who you were.” Jake explains. “I’ve been turning away Imperial forces for months, of all shapes and sizes. You expect me to let in a couple of strangers un-vetted! Not a chance, mates. I got turned around when you told me your name, Roxy Lalonde.”

“So you do know who I am?”

“Of course! Every self-respecting enemy of the Condense knew your mother: Rose Lalonde!”

In the distance, you can hear the CrockerBot as it whistles through the air. It must have given up looking for the source of that gunshot and is now scanning the area. Jake hears it too.

“We should get out of the open.” He says. “Follow me. I’ve got somewhere we can talk.”

He leads you from the clearing and back into the jungle. You and Roxy follow him through a barely traversable path towards the mountain.

“I’ve been roughing-it out here ever since I was a young tike.” Jake explains as you walk. “Just me and my Grandma against the world, until she passed away that is. You’ll be hard-pressed to find your way around out here without me!”

“Good thing you’re on our side then.” You reply.

Jake’s words stir thoughts within your brain. A young adult, living on a secluded island with only their grandparent for company. Green eyes, glasses, a large gun strapped to their hip. Unruly hair that looks like it could house a thousand birds…

Of course. Why not?

“Hey, Jake.” You speak up as you near the base of the mountain. “Do you think you could tell me about your grandma?”

“Why sure, er… What’s your name?”

“John.”

“Lovely to meet you, John.” Jake grins again. “My Grandma was the greatest woman I’ve ever known!”

“What else?”

“Well, she taught me just about everything I know. She could shoot a crisp out of your mouth from fifty meters, she played just about every musical instrument known to man, and although she never outright told me, I bet she was pretty high up in the Freedom Fighters.”

As you scramble over a rocky summit, you catch Roxy’s eye. She leans in close.

“What? Are you thinking you know this kid’s grandma too?”

“I _know_ I know this kid’s grandma.” You respond. “Let’s keep that under our hat for the time being though. One thing at a time, okay?”

“Alright.”

Jake leads you into a cave on the slope of the Misty Mountain. Inside, he reveals a hidden doorway in the rocky wall, which in turn leads to yet more narrow passage ways.

“My grandma had these tunnels built all under the island.” Jake continues. “Some even go straight under the bay to the city. Imagine that!”

“That’s pretty useful.” Roxy comments. “Do you ever go over there?”

“Oh, hell no. I’ve got everything I need…” Jake shoves open yet another set of double doors. “Right here!”

In the heart of the mountain is a veritable stadium-sized cavern, loaded to the brim with neat gadgets and goodies and all sorts of bullshit. A large tower in the center spirals towards the roof and you assume that is where Jake lives.

“Take it all in, chaps.” Jake starts towards the tower. “You are the only two souls to take a gander at this place in ages!”

“Why?” You ask. “This place could hold hundreds of rebels, why is it just you?”

“Because like I said, no one knows this place like me. The island is just too dangerous to have a bunch of ripsnorters running around and getting into all sorts of malarkey. You guys know this first-hand!”

“Hey, you’re the reason we were in danger in the first place, you big doofus.” Roxy snaps. “I haven’t heard a full apology yet.”

“Oh. I thought I already apologized!”

“Nu uh!”

“Yes!”

“Nope, nope, nope!”

“Well, fine.” Jake assents with a frown. “I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you.”

“And?”

“And for trapping you in that underground.”

“Annnnnd?”

“And for… making you sing?”

Roxy laughs.

“That actually wasn’t that bad. I was hoping you’d apologize for _not_ apologizing the first chance you got.”

“Well, I’m sorry for that too.”

You enter the spire in the center of the cavern and, sure enough, find yourself in Jake’s home. The bottom floor/entryway is home to many cool-looking weapons, artifacts, art, and miscellaneous boxes of canned goods and magazines.

Jake leads you up a set of spiral stairs to his bedroom.

“This is my room.” He explains clinically. Something tells you that he isn’t all that happy to have visitors. “This is where the magic happens.”

What kind of _‘magic’_ Jake is referring to, you don’t know. However, by looking at some of the posters on the wall, all of which are sexy, blue-skinned ladies, the mind can’t help but wonder. You sit on a chair awkwardly, careful not to crumple a pile of comic books under your feet.

“So what do you do up here?” You ask, as Jake bustles around the room.

“My duty basic reconnaissance stuff.” He’s busy rifling through a bunch of drawers. “The Condense has a lot of Navy troops that she uses to prowl the ocean borders. I send Dirk reports on their movements along with whatever supplies I can muster from the island itself.”

Well that checks out with Dirk’s story. Maybe you actually have been entrusted with a legitimate mission?

“Alright, I’ve been very forthcoming, but now it’s my turn.” Jake straights from his drawer, a bundle foil packages in his hands. “Who are you guys and why are you here?”

Roxy, who has taken a seat on the end of Jake’s bed, speaks first:

“Well, you already know who I am. Roxy Lalonde, daughter of the great Rose Lalonde and all around swell babe. We were sent here by Dirk.”

“Yeah, I got that.” Jake opens a foil packet and begins dumping delicious-looking berries into his mouth. You wish he’d offered you and Roxy some, but you aren’t about to say anything. “But why would Dirk send you all the way out to this blasted island? He knows I can handle myself just fine, without sending you blundering into my traps.”

“Apparently not.” You interject. “Dirk says that you haven’t been in contact with him for a while.”

At this, Jake’s eyebrows crease in confusion.

“What? That sounds like poppycock to me. I babble with Dirk all the time. In fact, I was talking to him just before you showed up.”

“I call bullshit.” Says Roxy, folding her arms. “Dirk wouldn’t have sent us here for no reason.”

“But I swear, I’m telling the truth.” Jake steps to his bed and pulls a laptop from the covers. Sitting down next to Roxy, he flips it open. “See. I was just chatting with him.”

Roxy takes the laptop and examines the screen, you move over and read by her shoulder.

It’s a pesterlog alright, with Jake talking to someone who is clearly labeled as _‘Dirk Strider’_. However, as Roxy’s eyes scan the page, her mouth draws into a thin line.

“You’ve been duped, Jakey.” She says, beginning to type furiously. “Have you always talked to Dirk through this application?”

“No. He messaged me through there about a week ago. He said it was safer than the usual way.” Jake explains. “He told me that the old messaging system was coldcocked!”

“The only thing that’s been compromised,” Roxy pauses for dramatic effect and presses a final key. “Is your computer systems.”

On screen flashes a complex series of code that you barely have time to read, let alone comprehend.

“You’ve been chatting with Imperial Agents for a over a week, hun.” Roxy snaps the laptop shut. “They tricked you.”

“Oh bugger all!” Jake cries, pushing himself to his feet. “Dagnabit, I feel so stupid!”

“Don’t blame yourself. I could have happened to anyone.” You join Jake’s side. “Right now, what we got to do is get you off this island and back to Dirk’s base.”

“I can’t leave! My whole livelihood is here, plus,” He begins to pace. “I have no earthly idea how much sensitive material I gave those agents, believing they were Dirk. No wonder there are so many CrockerBots buzzing about! They’ve tracked me right to my front door-“

A loud _boom_ rattles everything in the room, abruptly cutting off Jake mid-tyraid. Stacks of comic books tumble to the floor, a decorative vase, which looks extremely expensive, tumbles from a nightstand to shatter on the floor. You grab onto Jake’s arm to steady yourself.

“What is that?!?” You cry over the rumbling. “Jake?!”

“Prepare yourselves, mates.” Jake draws his dual pistols from his belt. “We’re going to have to fight our way out!”

“What are you talking about?!” You question is answered when the ceiling above your head collapses in a shower of dust. You push away from Jake and grab Roxy by the arm, tugging her out of harm’s way.

Coughing through the dust, you keep a tight grip on Roxy as you search for Jake. As the dust clears, you find him flat against the wall, as well as the enormous CrockerBot peering down into the whole it just created.

“Tally ho!” Jake yells, firing both his pistols in rapid succession.

Metallic _pings_ fill the air as his bullets ricochet harmlessly off the drone’s impenetrable head. Roxy twists free from your grasp and raises her rifle, unloading her own barrage of lead into the robot’s chest. It remains as unphased as ever and reaches with its massive hand into the room towards Jake, as if to grab him like a ragdoll.

You leap upwards and with an extra gust of wind behind your fist, you punch the CrockerBot as hard as you can directly in its face.

This is a big mistake.

“Shit!” You clutch your hand in agony. “Why did I do thaaaaaaat?!”

Your last word is stretched out into a scream, as the CrockerBot seizes you by the middle and hurls you bodily over it’s shoulder.

“John!” You hear Roxy scream as you tumble through darkness.

Holy shit! That robot is really strong! You’re flying through the air like a football thrown by… some famous football player. You don’t know who. You ever never in to sports.

 The CrockerBot must have tracked you all the way through the jungle and burrowed it’s way through solid rock to get to you. The Imperial Drones are impressive pieces of work that you can’t help but appreciate, even as you spin helplessly through the air.

Eventually you reach the end of the tunnel and spiral out into open air. You’re vaguely aware of a large shape blotting out the sun before you slam into the rocky surface of the mountain and begin to roll. Like a slinky on the stairs, you tumble head over heel to slide to a stop against the trunk of some massive tree.

_“Let me guess.”_ Kanaya’s voice doesn’t have the soothing affect you’re used to. _“You’ve goofed up yet again?”_

“Not yet.” You moan, taking a mental inventory of your facilities. “But it’s a definite possibility.”

The harsh whistling of a CrockerBot fills your ears once more and you look up to find the drone erupt from the mountain whence you came. Landing before you with a mighty _thud_ , the robot drops two squirming forms at its feet.

“Hey, John.”

“Hi, Roxy.”

With more whistling and thudding, around five more CrockerBots drop from the sky to surround you, Roxy, and Jake. From the jungle, also march a whole platoon of Orderlings, rifles raised and faces firm.

You’re closed in by an unmovable wall of red, with only your windy powers for defense. Roxy and Jake scramble to your feet and you join them.

“What’s the plan, John?” Jake asks nervously. He is now pistol-less and pale-faced.

“Uh…” You spin slowly on the spot, counting the small army. Before you can answer, Roxy lets out a small gasp and points upwards.

You follow her finger and see the same shape from before, the one you caught a glimpse of as it blocked out the sun. It’s a large airship, painted red of course, and floating menacingly high above your head like an evil cloud.

“The Condense.” Roxy breathes.

The Orderlings begin to close in.

“Alright, Kanaya.” You mutter under your breath. “I think it’s safe to say that I’ve goofed up now.”

* * *

=> Be Meenah Peixes

You are now Meenah Peixes. Although, you haven’t gone by that name in a long, long time.

Once, you were a simple troll living on Alternia. As a high-blood, you had all the luxuries a nice, troll lady could ask for, save for…

**COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION!!!**

When SGRUB was activated by those idiot trolls, you were not killed like the rest of your friends, family, or enemies. You were miraculously saved at the last second by the arrival of a mysterious and powerful alien being, known as The Lord.

Lord English, to be exact.

Apparently you had a greater purpose, other than to be destroyed like the rest of those wrigglers with the coming of SGRUB. You were brought by Lord English to this dimension to the do the one thing you’ve always wanted to do…

**COMPLETELY DOMINEATE THE WORLD!!!**

Well, not the world you originally wanted, but still _a_ world nonetheless. Earth is a poor replacement for Alternia, but you’ve done with it what you could. With the powers bestowed upon you by your all-powerful lord, you quickly rose to power and have dominated ever since.

Sure, there have been a few uprisings, but you’ve managed to squash them easily enough. Hell, you’ve even managed to settle down a little bit, start a family, make some friends, and obliterate some enemies.

With Lord English… doing whatever it is he’s doing. You don’t really know exactly. Traveling through time, alternate dimensions, dream bubbles? I could really be anything, although you could care less as long as you’re left alone to rule.

And that’s exactly what you’ve done.

You are The Condense. You are Her Imperious Condescension.

You are the _best around_.

Presently, you’re lounging in your giant airship, The CrockerCarrier, enjoying some much needed R and R.

The Freedom Fighters have been acting up again lately, crashing some galas in your honor, breaking-up public punishments, even defacing your glorious statue in city hall with gog-dammed silly string!

Honestly. That’s just ridiculous.

You’d think after murdering their two most powerful leaders over five years ago would have taught them a lesson. Apparently not.

Anyways, you’re lounging on your queenly throne, when there’s suddenly a knock on the door.

“Enter.” You command lazily.

An Orderling, named Kyle, opens the door and scurries inside. Kyle has been in your service for a long time. He’s a pretty nice guy with good ideas and an awesome sense of humor.

You like Kyle.

“Empress.” Kyle simultaneously salutes, bows, and does the ceremonial jig required when all peasants approach you. “We’ve just located the Freedom Fighter’s stronghold on the Misty Mountain Island and apprehended its inhabitants. Per your request, of course. One of our CrockerBots caught sight of them entering the mountain and followed.”

“Thank you, Kyle. Well done.” You smile serenely. “Have them beaten and hung from the stocks in City Square.”

“Yes, very good, Empress.” Kyle hesitates. “Although, I think you might be a little more interested in these rebels, compared to the usual bunch.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. We’ve captured a male, who is the grandson of Jade Harley and a female, who is the daughter of Rose Lalonde.”

You blink in surprise. Well, that most certainly _is_ interesting. Both Jade Harley and Rose Lalonde were huge thorns in your side at one point, until you completely crushed them in your queenly grasp, of course.

“Put them in the holding cells for now,” You command. “I will decide what to do with them shortly.”

You expect Kyle to leave, but he doesn’t. He stands there, twisting his fingers for a moment. Eventually, he musters the courage to speak.

“There was a third rebel too, a boy that we couldn’t identify.” He explains. “We ran his blood through our databases and…”

He trails off.

“And…” You prompt.

“Well, at first we thought it was some kind of mistake, so we ran the test again.”

“DNA never lies, Kyle. You know this. What did our database say?”

“It said his name is… uh,” Kyle swallows hard. “His name is John Egbert.”

You stare at Kyle for a moment. Surely this is some sort of joke.

However, no one laughs and a punch line is never dropped.

You rise from your throne.

“Clear my schedule.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a theory that every great villain has a minion named Kyle, who's just, like, the best minion ever. He's just really good at his job and everyone likes him. EVEN YOU.
> 
> So under recommendation of my pal, A Dreaming Songbird (fucking name drop, amirite?), I took a Homestuck aspect, land, and quest quiz to figure out what kind of Homestuck hero I could be!
> 
> According to the quiz, I am a Mage of Form (form is a fanaspect someone created) and my land is called the Land of Reformation and Laws, which sounds really, really, fucking boring. Anyways, my quest is to protect my land and the consorts from an impending doom! This could be a swarm of monsters, a plague threatening the life of the world, a monstrous storm, whatever! If you've got some time to kill, take the quiz yourself at thepageofhopes' tumblr.
> 
> Happy Halloween! If you go trick or treating, be safe, smart, and have a good old, regular blast!  
> \- Mike


	52. ACT 6 - PART 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to FabulousBeings for commenting.

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are Karkat Vantas. And the tiny, little, miniscule, practically negligible shred of hope that had for this mission going off without a hitch, has just recently been blown clear out of the water.

“All Shit-heads Assemble!”

At your call, everyone drops what they’re doing, with varying levels of annoyance, and makes their way towards the silver ring. You stand in the middle, between Jade and Kanaya, with your fist raised until everyone wanders in.

“Where’s Terezi?” You bark, looking around the assembled crew.

“She opted to stay behind with Damara.” Rose answers lazily. “Can we hurry this up? I’ve just begun working on a time-sensitive project.”

“I thought you were sewing.” Equius says, turning to Rose.

“Well, yes. But that doesn’t make it any less of an urgent project.”

“You want urgent, Rose! I’ve got some urgency for you!” You jab a finger at Kanaya. “We’ve just received some information from John’s end that you just might want to hear.”

Suddenly more interested, everyone looks to Kanaya. She shifts nervously.

“Well I do suppose that we have some good news and some bad news.” She begins. “Which would you like to hear first?”

“The bad news, obviously.” Rose says.

“I think we should hear the good news first,” Equius argues. “So that we can deal with the bad news afterwards with little distraction.”

“What if we _only_ hear the good news?” Jade asks, leaning around your legs. “That sounds nice to me!”

 “Everyone shut up.” You demand, rubbing at your forehead. You’re starting to get a headache. “Kanaya just tell them both of the news in no order in particular, okay?”

“Alright,” Kanaya nods. “The good news then. John and Dave have located a total of three new potential players. Apparently the selection process is not as random as we once thought, as these new players are directly related to Rose, Jade, and Dave.”

You watch Jade’s face twist in confusion and all the blood drain from Rose’s already pasty-ass skin.

“Roxy.” Rose breathes. “Oh, shit.”

“Do you know that name?” Jade asks.

“It was my mother’s name.” Rose spots the note given to her by future Dave and snatches it from the ground. She examines it. “It appears that John has found her, or is it vice versa? I don’t…”

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, of course. It’s just…” Rose trails off, as she continues to stare at the note intently. “Never mind.”

“Rose.” Jade leans forward, careful not the jostle her boyfriend, who still sits motionless before her. “If there’s something on your mind, you can tell us. You know that, right?”

Rose shakes her head in response.

“I mean, yes. I know that I can confide in all of you. It’s just that,” She sighs heavily. “I have no idea what I’m going to tell her when I see her.”

“Well you won’t have to worry about that for a while. You have all the time in the world to prepare a great script, thanks to John screwing everything up again.” You interject into the _‘feel’_ session before it gets out of hand.

“What are you talking about?” Rose snaps.

“This is the bad news.” Kanaya takes a deep breath. “It would seem that John and two of the new players have been taken prisoner by a tyrant known as The Condense. They will most likely be tried as traitors to an empire that dominates the dimension and sentenced to death.”

Everyone is silent for a moment and you simply wait for everything to sink in.

Jade speaks first.

“Dave will save them.” She says firmly. “I’ll tell him right now.”

“That’s as much as we can do I’m afraid.” Kanaya agrees. “I’ll stay in contact with John in the meantime and see how the situation progresses.”

“What are we going to do if John dies at the hands of this Condense?” Equius asks. “We should have a contingency plan.”

“This is the backup plan, you idiot!” You throw your hands in the air. “I mean, for Gog’s sake! The whole reason we went through with The Scratch is because you guys fucked up this game in the first place! Why did we think sending them out there would be a good idea?!”

“They aren’t out of this yet. There’s still a chance that they can succeed.” Rose points out. “I trust John to pull through and you should as well.”

“Oh sure, of course I trust John. It’s not like there’s any overwhelming evidence that contradicts his reliability! Whoever thought of that idea!?!”

“ _Karkat_.” Kanaya’s voice is a thinly veiled warning. “Perhaps you need a time-out?”

“Psshh.” You’re about to snap back, but Kanaya silences you with a slight rising of her eyebrows, as if to say: _”Really?”_

Shaking your head, you leave the circle and start trekking across the rocks. Life with a Moirail is much different then you’re used to, but hey, you aren’t going to complain. There’s nothing much to talk about with the group anyways.

 With everyone brought up to speed, all that’s left to do now is wait and hope that everything works out.

You’re really sick of waiting.

The best way to occupy the next few minutes, in your mind, is to go find Terezi and fill her in on all of the current happenings. You’re honestly a little surprised to hear that she volunteered stay behind and watch the _‘prisoner’_ , if that’s even what Damara _is_.

You should really figure out to do with that troll. It’s introllmane to keep her locked up like that.

Haha. Introllmane. _Inhumane_. Shit, you’re funny as hell. You should go on the road.

Reentering the ruins of the temple, you head towards the pit where you’re keeping Damara. It actually isn’t as horrible of a place as it sounds. Essentially, it’s a depression in the heart of the ruins that you put some fence around. If Damara got a running start, she could probably climb out and proceed to beat everyone to death. So far though, she’s been pretty good, if not rude.

You approach the pit, but do not find Terezi nearby.

“Hey, Terezi?” You call, stepping towards the fence. “Where are you?”

There’s no answer. You lean over the barrier and find Damara sitting at the bottom of the pit, glaring up at you. She’s got some blankets, a few snacks, and a deck of cards to keep her company. All are left untouched though, in favor of just sitting and glaring.

“How’s it going, gobbledygook?” You ask her. “Having a good time?”

She doesn’t answer, unless you call a stiff middle finger a response. Sighing, you push away from the fence, intent on searching for Terezi elsewhere, when suddenly a pair of strong arms wraps around your neck.

“Gah!” You throw an elbow back as hard as you can and hit something soft.

“Ow! What the fuck?!” Your attacker shoves you away and you wheel about to find Terezi rubbing her breast. “You punched me in the boob, asshole!”

“You tried to strangle me!”

“It’s called an attack hug! Nepeta told me about it a long time ago. Hehe.”

“Wow, why didn’t you say so?! That makes everything A-OK!” You growl and step closer to the grinning lunatic. “Maybe you shouldn’t take ideas from psychotic, cat-cosplaying, murderers!”

Terezi backs away.

“Geez, sorry to get your bulge all tied up.” She says, holding up her hands. “I thought that spontaneous signs of affect were supposed to sexually stimulate partners.”

“That sounds like some Grade-A Rose Lalonde Bullshit!” You scoff. “And if you’re looking to sexually stimulate someone, than spontaneous strangulation should be avoided. It tends to have the opposite effects!”

“I dunno, Nubs.” Her arms wrap around your neck like a bony scarf. “You seem pretty hot to me at the moment.”

“Cut it out, Terezi. Now isn’t the time for this. There’s much better-quality…”

“When is it ever the right time?” Terezi cuts you off. Suddenly, she’s very close. “We’ve been putting off a certain _talk_ for a long time, Karkat. If you ask me, you’re a little tense and there’s no better way to relax than _this_.”

She leans in, long tongue flailing like prehensile, slimly, little, fifth limb that’s just ready to grab you by your tongue and take you all the way to a secret town where everything is read and warm and…

“Ugh.” You grab her by the shoulders, bringing her to a halt. “Terezi. I _don’t_ want this.”

Her tongue droops, although her grin never fades. On your neck, her fingers begin to fiddle with your collar.

“Oh, really? Then why are you wearing,” With a soft _snap_ she pulls at the necklace that hangs around your neck, pulling out a tiny Libra symbol from the front of your sweater. “ _This_!”

Fuck. You’ve been caught red-handed.

“It was a neat gift.” You grab the necklace and shove it away again. “I mean, shit. Do you really expect me to be rude enough to throw away a gift as nice as that?”

“Face it, Karkat. Underneath that gruff, rough, and loud exterior, you’re a big ‘ol softy.” She sniffs hungrily and licks her lips. “I cannot wait to crack you open and get a taste of that creamy, cherry-red center.”

You shiver involuntarily in her grip.

“It sounds like you plan on stabbing me.”

“What? No. You know what I mean.”

“No. No, I really don’t.” You try to push her off, but her arms are like steel cables. “Terezi! Fuck off. Seriously, this isn’t happening now and I am _not_ a big softy.”

“You’re so soft.”

“No I’m not!”

With the speed of a striking viper, her hand dives in your pocket. For a pulse pounding moment, you think she’s trying to run past first base and high tail it all the way to second. Then her fingers close into a fist and retract, triumphantly holding a folded square of paper.

You groan inwardly.

“You’re a big fat liar, Karkat!” She cries, waving John’s Wriggling-Day Card in your face. “You’re a sentimental fucker who craves companionship just as much as you do confrontation. You want friends, you want to be happy, and above all,” She pulls you closer once more. “You want _this_.”

Lips collide in a powerful collision. To any onlooker it probably looks like you’re being mauled by some sort of animal. Maybe you are? Nevertheless, you can’t help but growl in appreciation as her fingers tug at your collar and force the kiss to become deeper.

You don’t fight, but wrap your arms around her waist, fully realizing that your veil of delusion has always been sort of a handicap, more so than any type of relationship that you’d like to pursue. Is this real? Are you and Terezi making this happen?

You aren’t about to ask her for confirmation and you doubt that you’ll ever have the wherewithal to declare it so. Eventually, it will just fall into place, just like it was probably always meant to happen.

“君たちは厄介をやって起動しようとしている場合。別名：クソ。あなたは離れて私のピットから地獄を得ることができる？私は平和でくだらない存在を持ってしようとしている.” A shrill voice ruins the moment completely.

With a horrible _slurp_ noise, Terezi pulls away. A heavy feeling settles in your gut when you see her face fully once more, all sharp edges and toothy grins and glaring, red shades. Is it disgust, regret, or something much, _much_ worse?

Love. You’re talking about love.

“Still wanna run away?” Terezi asks, a little breathy.

“Shut up.” You growl and take her again with your mouth.

“イムクソ深刻。私はそこに出てくるホースか何かであなたの両方を破るbeofre君たちは良く離れて私の穴から地獄を取得する。あなたも聞いている？たわごとクソ.” Damara continues.

You ignore her though. For the first time in a while, you couldn’t give two shits about what’s happening now away from this moment.

Then you hear screaming from outside the temple.

“For fuck’s sake!” You separate from Terezi once more. “This better be something important!”

Quickly, both you and Terezi exit the ruined temple and run together towards the glowing circle. Why is it that every time you succeed in filling a quadrant, some type of shit has to hit some type of fan? Seriously, should you just stop trying to be happy?

Why is the universe so cruel?

“Smells like bad news.” Terezi says, running lopsidedly by your side with her cane beating against the ground like a drumstick. “Ugh. And it tastes even _worse_!”

“Will you cut it out with the creepy, weird, heightened-senses bullshit? I was just starting to like you again!”

“Awww, really?! So my spontaneous act of affection was working!”

You don’t grace her with an answer, not like you’d have anything coherent to say anyways. You’ve just spotted something silhouetted against the starlight, a horrible black shape that’s growing ever closer.

Pushing yourself faster, you crest the top of the crater and look down to see that Kanaya and Jade are still in the glowing circle, along with Equius and Rose. Everyone is looking up towards the approaching shape.

“What is it, Karkat?” Terezi joins your side. She slurping and sucking in air, trying to get a sense of her surroundings. “What’s happening?”

“It’s Jake Noir.” You say quietly, as you watch the fiendish fiend descend from the space above. “He’s here.”

* * *

=> Be Dirk Strider

You are now Dirk Strider.

At the moment, you’re working out, getting buff, pumping up the jam. Whatever floats you’re boat. Essentially, you’re lifting iron.

“One million and twenty-two!” You grunt a final time and then rack the weights. “Whew. Now that’s what I call a work out.”

As you sit up on the bench, you hear the sound of clapping from behind you, slow and loud across the empty gym. You turn to find Dave standing in the doorway.

“I totally wasn’t watching you work out like a creep.” Is the first thing he says. “Also, I totally believe that you did one million and twenty-two reps just now.”

“Smart man.” You smirk. Snatching your towel from the floor, you wipe your face of sweat. “What’s happening, Dave? I thought you were talking to your girlfriend. You know, the girlfriend that lives in your head and is totally real and has sweet space powers.”

“I _was_ talking to her, but now I thought I’d come and see what’s up down here.” Dave steps fully into the room and examines all the equipment that’s probably alien to him. “So, you’ve got a sweet underground clubhouse, an army of dudes who will do whatever you say without question, an alarming collection of MLP gear, and your own personal gym? Maybe I should start my own revolution?”

“Eh, it’s not all bells and whistles, man. There’s a lot of shit you’ve gotta get through to get to this point.” You stand up and grab your gym bag from the floor, pulling out your leather gloves and slipping them over your fingers. Psshh, like you’re going to be caught dead without these bad boys on your hands. You turn to find Dave admiring a set of dumbbells. “You looking to get in shape?”

Dave turns to face you, an eyebrow raised above the rounded rim of his shades.

“What do you mean _‘in shape’_? I’m about as fit as they come. I’m like G.D. Captain America on steroids after he eats all his leafy greens.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Well then,” You motion for Dave to follow you over towards the sparing area, essentially a large square surrounded by ropes. “You should prove it. I don’t think we ever fully decided who the better swordsman is.”

“I dunno, man.” Dave leans on the rope, but doesn’t enter the ring. “I’d hate to kick your ass, especially when any of your buds could come down at any second and catch a peek.”

“Big talk.” You retrieve a couple of training swords from the rack on the wall and toss one to him. “Come on. I need a cool down and you probably need to blow off some steam, amirite?”

Dave just shakes his head, but ducks under the rope anyways and joins you in the ring. After touching blades, you begin to duel.

It’s slow and lazy, sort of like the pair of you are moving underwater. Parry after parry, followed by a jab and a quick block. You and Dave fall into sync and dance one of the most violent, yet peaceful dances you’ve ever been a part of, kept in time with the _clack clack clack_ of your weapons.

“So it sounds like you and Roxy have a past.” Dave speaks suddenly as he twirls his blade. “This isn’t going to be a problem, is it?”

“You mean, if both of us agree to join your squad?” You smirk and smoothly dodge a lazy stab. “For the sake of the universe, I think I could put aside whatever grievances I have with her. She, on the other hand, might not be so mature.”

“Seems to me like she just wants to be friends with you.”

“She wants forgiveness.” You explain. “She might not know why, but she does, trust me.”

“Well then. Are you gonna forgive her?”

You block one final jab and then lower your sword.

“Yeah.” You say simply. “Yeah. Of course.”

“Good.” Dave nods. For a second he appears lost in thought, but snaps back quickly. “I wasted a lot of time before holding grudges and just being a dick to certain people. My sister, for one, always gets a hard time from me. Sometimes I think I push her too hard.”

You fold your arms. Since when did sword fighting, the most manly and badass of pastimes, become a hardcore _‘feel’_ and sensitivity jam. You didn’t sign up for this.

And yet, just now as you and Dave swatted at each other with these sticks, it almost felt like you were sixteen years old again and sparring with your Bro on the roof of your apartment complex. If you needed more confirmation that John’s story was true, then Dave is it. There’s no denying that he _is_ your Bro.

“I’m sure she understands where you’re coming from.” You say. “And I bet she pushes you back just as hard sometimes, huh?”

“Yeah. She does.” Dave scratches his nose idly. “Listen, what I’m trying to say is that life is too short to hold grudges or whatever. There were a couple times in the past where I thought I’d lost Rose and I just couldn’t help but think about all the times I was shitty towards her.”

“You don’t need to lecture me, Dave. I’m already set on burying the hatchet with Roxy the next chance I get.”

“Alright, cool.” Dave smirks. “Sorry to be all… whatever it is I’m being. We’ve put up with a lot of pointless drama in the past, so why not nip it in the bud before we even…”

Dave suddenly trails off, going eerily still. You watch him for a second, but when he doesn’t make another sound or even move, you speak up:

“Uh… Dave? You alright, man?”

Like a switch has been flicked, Dave snaps back.

“John’s been taken.” He growls through gritted teeth. “So have Roxy and some kid named Jake that they found on that island of yours.”

You blink in surprise, but otherwise maintain your cool. No sense in jeopardizing your reputation at such a crucial time. One the main reasons you’re leader is your ability to remain graceful under pressure.

“How do you know?” You’re already striding quickly towards the exit. Dave follows closely.

“My girlfriend just let me know. Apparently they were attacked by CrockerBots and taken aboard some airship.”

“Shit.”

“You know what I’m talking about?”

“Yeah, of course. Everyone who fears the Condense fears that damn CrockerCarrier.” Breaking into a jog, you lead Dave down the hall and up a set of stairs, back to the common room. “How long has it been since they were taken?”

“I dunno exactly. I couldn’t have been more than an hour though.”

“We gotta move fast then.” You spot your right-hand man, Steve, sitting on a cot nearby. “Look alive, Steve. We’ve just got something urgent that we can use to pass the time today. Prep the balloon and have a team ready to head out in ten.”

Steve gapes at you for a moment. You can practically see the gears turning in his head.

“Uh… what?”

“You heard me. Get your ass up. We’re about to execute a really sloppy rescue mission.”

“W-Who are we rescuing?”

Dave lurches forward and grabs Steve by the lapels.

“My best fucking friend, that’s who!” He seethes. “Now do what you’re told before I lose my shit!”

Steve’s eyes widen, but instead of freezing up like you expect, he wriggles out of Dave’s grasp and scurries from the room, calling for his fireteam as he goes. You regard Dave coolly.

“Is that how you do things where you’re from?” You ask.

“Only when there’s no time to waste.” Dave turns back to you. “Why are we just standing here? I thought we were in a hurry.”

“I’m deciding whether or not to let you come.”

 Dave’s fingers curl into fists and for a second, you think he’s going to strike you. A bad idea on his part, considering the number of well-armed buddies you have in the immediate area.

“Try and stop me, pointy.” He brushes past you.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Topside.”

“Dave, stop.” You reach out and grab him by the shoulder. “Listen. I get what’s going through your head right now. Both Roxy and Jake are my friends and I want to save them to. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to this smart and we’re going to do this _together_.”

“Then let’s go.”

“You aren’t going anywhere,” You finger the tattered strip of fabric around his neck that was probably at once a necktie, red like the rest of Dave’s suit. “Dressed like this. Come on. We need to gear up.”

“Fine. Whatever.” Dave follows you once more. “Let’s just make this fast. If anything happens to John, there’s going to be hell to pay.”

“Why? Is he the key to winning this thing or something?”

“Not really.” Dave answers. “But Rose will _definitely_ kill me.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’ve been taken prisoner by an evil Empress that may or may not have magical powers, but definitely has lots and lots of money and power, which in all honesty, might as well be magical powers.

You sit on a steel bench in a small prison cell and simply watch as over a hundred guns of different sizes are pointed at your head from mounted turrets beyond the iron bars. Roxy sits on your left and Jake is quietly whimpering to himself on your right.

“This isn’t so bad, right?” Roxy hisses in your ear. “I mean, you _must_ have gotten out of worse scraps then this before.”

“Yeah. I’ve actually died… uh, once or twice.” You admit. When Roxy’s eyes widen in surprise, you add quickly: “The game’s a lot different than real life. Once we get out of here, you’ll see.”

“Will the pair of you stop jibber jabbering about?!” Jake hisses suddenly. “Can’t you see that we’re stuck in a right bugger’s muddle? We’re probably going to be boiled alive or buried alive or…”

“Burned alive?” Roxy suggests.

“Yes! That’s most certainly a thing that can happen!” Jake is getting frantic. “We’re going to be treated like turncoats to the Empire!”

“Don’t worry, Jake. We’re getting out of here.” You pat him on the knee in what you hope is a comforting way. “I just haven’t figured out _how_ yet.”

On a whim, you stand up from the bench and cross to the cell door. The turrets outside track your movements closely, but you try to ignore them. It’s gotten to the point in your life where guns don’t really scare you as much as they used to anymore. Hell, you’re having trouble thinking of something that you’re _truly_ terrified of.

Maybe spiders? Or snakes?

Nope, scratch that. You’d rather swim through a sea of spiders and snakes than suffer whatever fate the Condense has in store for you.

Or maybe not. Now that you think about it, a sea of spiders and snakes is probably the most grody and horrifying thing you’ve thought of in a while.

Yeah, you’d rather be boiled than flop around on a bed of squirming, writhing, crawling…

Shit. Now you’re all creeped out. Think about something else, idiot!

You kneel down next to the cell door and examine the complex lock. Jade had pried one of these apart back in Doc Scratch’s mansion. You’re no Jade Harley though and even if your ecto-sister was here in the flesh, you aren’t certain that she’d be able to do an encore performance of the technological feat, The Condense probably has better tech than some creepy Puppet on a green meteor.

“Yeah, we aren’t going to be able to get through that.” Roxy has joined your side. “That’s a hundred percent CrockerTech.”

“I thought you were, like, an expert hacker that’s been in their systems for months….”

“Shhhhh.” She silences you by pressing a finger to your lips. “Reel in the valuable secrets there, Johnny. I wouldn’t spout stuff like that if I were you.”

You nod in agreement, a little sheepishly.

“Sorry.” You say when she retracts her finger. “Anyways, you’re sure that you can’t get through this lock?”

“Of course I could bust it open no problem.” She grins. “All I’d need is a soldering torch, a pair of wire cutters, and two hours of free time. You wouldn’t happen to have any of that in that stylish blazer of yours, would you?”

“Nope.”

“Damn. Then I guess we’re fucked.”

You hear the sound of approaching footsteps from out in the corridor. Grabbing Roxy by the arm, you pull her away from the bars and shove her behind you. If the Orderlings have come with giant, man-sized boiling pots, then you can be sure that you aren’t going down without a fight.

Sure enough, around a dozen Orderlings come, sans pots luckily enough.

“Him.” Says the leader, pointing directly at your chest.

With a pneumatic hiss, the cell door opens and two guards come in to take you by the forearms.

“John?” Roxy’s voice seems a little faint as you dragged from the cell and out into the hall.

For a split second, you consider busting out some sweet windy moves and freeing yourself. Then you remember that you’re surrounded by these douchebags in red and their big ‘ol human killing weapons.

You try to think rationally. If they were going to kill you, they could have just done it already on the island or when you were literally trapped in a cage. They pulled you out for a purpose.

You’re taken up a flight of stairs, down another hallway and to a large set of ornate doors. They open just enough for you to be tossed inside, then they close once more.

Brushing yourself off, you examine your new surroundings.

It’s a huge room, comfortable, warmly-lit, and about as far away from a prison or execution chamber as you could possibly get. At the far end of the hall, sits a gilded throne, and upon the cushioned seat, sits the Condense herself.

“Hello.” She says, her face obscured by shadow. “It sure has been a while, hasn’t it? Mr. Egbert.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope you guys had a fantastic Halloween! I know I certainly had a great time, since I went out with some buds dressed as none other than a Mexican version of Dave Strider. No one knew who I was, but it was still fun nonetheless. I haven't gone trick or treating in a while and it sort of feels like there's less people than ever out and about celebrating one of the coolest Holidays ever, which sucks.
> 
> For those who comment: Did you dress up? What did you dress up as?
> 
> With November upon us, it's time for me to grow my annual Winter Beard. I'll keep you all posted on all the riveting details.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	53. ACT 6 - PART 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to arising demon for commenting.

=> Be Terezi Pyrope

You are Terezi Pyrope.

You can smell the horrible, smoggy scent of Bec Noir as he descends towards you and Karkat. Apparently, out of all the time you’ve spent lying around and doing nothing, your arch-nemesis chooses _now_ to suddenly arrive and launch an attack.

Things had seemed to be on the up and up until now. You and Karkat had all but re-cemented your Matespritship, you’d outed him as a big ‘ol sentimental bastard, and there was a nearly a hundred percent chance that you were about to ride the ‘F’ Train all the way to Pail-Ville.

Now though, you’re probably about to be murdered. Why is the universe so cruel to good, honest, tubular people like yourself?

“Run!” You hear a voice, definitely Rose, yell.

You don’t have to be told twice. Taking Karkat by the sleeve, you begin hauling ass towards the milky deliciousness that is the white circle.

You don’t have much of a plan in mind, other than to rejoin the rest of the group. Most likely, this will only serve to make everyone an easier target, but you aren’t thinking too straight at the moment. You’re still coming down from the flushed high you’d experienced with Karkat back at the temple.

“Oh shit. We’re about to be turned into thinly sliced pieces of troll meat, I know it!” Karkat wheezes as he runs behind you. Your leader/Matesprit is out shape and finding it hard to keep up with your lean, nimble legs.

Instead of gracing him with a response, you focus on keeping up a steady rhythm as you run. Tap the cane, right foot, left foot. Cane, step, step.  Cane, step, step. You’re sort of like a tripod, only cuter, and a little more deadly.

Oh how you wish that you _actually_ had three legs. Besides looking incredibly cool, you’d probably be a lot faster of a runner too with that extra limb.

“We’re not going to make it.” Karkat continues grimly. He grips your wrist tightly. “Terezi.”

There’s a low _whoosh_ sound followed by a static crackle. You get a whiff of lavender, followed by black licorice. Rose must be firing spells at your attacker and providing cover. You resolve to give that skinny, human girl a nice smooch for her troubles.

The smell of smoggy grossness grows stronger, so much so, that you can practically taste it on your tongue. Bec Noir is still on your tail. With the creamy edge of the ring only yards away, you push yourself to go faster. You can make it. You _have_ to make it.

“Terezi!” Karkat voice is shrill in your ears, but you ignore him.

You leap forwards, clinging to his sweater and dragging him along. There’s a whistle of metal through the air, a sickening _snickt_ , and a muffled cry of pain. You pass over the edge of the circle and fall to the ground at Rose Lalonde’s feet, pulling Karkat after you.

There’s a dull _bong_ as something collides with… something else. Extending your tongue, you search for the noise and deduce that Bec Noir has bounced off the protective barrier around the disc.

“He cannot enter.” Rose states, confirming your suspicions.

“Well _we_ did. So I guess that’s us two and Bec Noir zero, right?” You sit yourself up.

“Erm…” You hear Equius mumble quietly. “I’m sorry to be _this_ guy, but I believe only _most_ of you made it.”

“What the hell are you talking about, sweaty?” You begin, but stop when you catch the scent of candy-apple red. “Karkat!”

You crawl to his side. He’s moaning and groaning up a storm, thrashing against the floor in agony. You begin to run your fingers over his body.

“Gah! Don’t touch me, you lunatic!” He bats your fingers away. “Oh shit-fuck. I’m so dead. I’m so fucking dead.”

“You aren’t dead!” You shriek, still searching for his wound. “Stop moving so much!”

As you trail a finger down his left leg, your fingers come into contact with a large amount of something hot and sticky, blood and a lot of it too. Karkat screams as you feel around the wound gently.

His leg is missing.

“Ohhh my gog. This is it! I can see the light! Is that you, Jegus? Have you come to take me away to hell, full of smirking Strider’s and other ineffable horrors?!”

“Well you cut that out?” Rose drops by your side. “Let me see, Terezi.”

You move and allow her to inspect the wound.

“We’re lucky it’s a clean cut. I should be able to cauterize it, then we should wrap it in something.” She says quickly.

“What happened?!” Jade calls from across the ring. “Is Karkat okay? Bec Noir can’t get us in here, can he?”

“For now we’re safe.” Equius answers her. “Although Karkat has been injured.”

“He’s going to be alright, of course.” Kanaya comments. You can hear the tinge of barely suppressed doubt in her lyrical voice. “You’re helping him. Right, Rose?”

“Yes. Yes. Of course I am.” Rose has drawn her wands and begun poking at Karkat’s bloody nub of a leg.

“OH FUCK. JUST KILL ME NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH. DON’T TORTURE ME WITH YOUR DEVIL STICKS, LALONDE!!!” Karkat roars and tries to shift away.

Grabbing him by the shoulders you drag his head into your lap and hold him steady.

“Am I going to have to knock you out or are you going to shut up?” You demand, digging your nails into his sweater. “You aren’t going to die for fuck’s sake. You’re just going to be a cripple for the rest of your life.”

“That’s easily a billion fucking times worst than just…” He suddenly goes limp against your thigh.

“Karkat?”

“He just passed out from pain and blood loss probably.” Rose continues to jab at the remains of his leg with her wand. “I’m almost done. Did you see where the rest of his leg went?”

You try to give Rose the most disappointed glare you can muster, but you’re unsure if you’re actually hitting your mark or not. After a moment of silence, Rose realizes her mistake.

“Oops. Sorry. In all this excitement, I forgot you were blind.” After a final jab and a _sizzle_ from Karkat’s rather delicious-smelling stump, Rose finishes her work. “You wouldn’t happen to have any fresh bandages would you?”

“That’s not something I typically carry around.” You answer, pretty snidely. “All of our medical stuff is back at the temple, past…” Another _bong_ echoes across the crater as Bec Noir tries to enter the circle again. “Past _him_.”

“Here,” You smell a sudden wave of sweat, as Equius tugs off his shirt. “Wrap it in this for the time being.”

“Ugh.” Rose takes the dripping cloth gingerly and begins applying it to Karkat’s leg. “I don’t know how sanitary this is, nor do I feel as if I should be the one to have performed this operation, having little knowledge of troll anatomy.”

“You’ve done fine so far.” You twist your head in the direction of Bec Noir. You can sense him prowling along the rings perimeter. “That will have to do until we get back to the temple, which might be a while with this douche bag totally camping over here.”

“Yes, his presence does pose a complication, definitely.” Rose rises to her feet and dusts off her robes. “I don’t know how successful we’ll be in engaging him in combat. We may have to sneak past him.”

“Do you have a plan?”

“No. Not yet.” Rose answers honestly. “But I’m working on it.”

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. It’s time for you to launch another sloppy rescue mission, this time beating the old record by saving three hostages at once. Jade is going to be so proud when you tell her about this dangerous mission was and how it went off completely perfectly with no hitches whatsoever.

Heh. Yeah. _That’s_ totally a thing that’s going to happen.

“So balloons, huh?” You and Dirk are standing with four other Freedom Fighters in the basket of a small hot-air balloon as it bobs through the air. “Seems a little lame to me.”

“What were you expecting? The motherfucking Quinjet?” A Freedom Fighter, who you remember to be named Steve, responds.

“Something with guns at least.” You shrug, leaning back against the edge of the basket. “Don’t get me wrong. This is really cute. I just dunno how this will stand up against this CrockerCarrier or whatever.”

“We aren’t going to be attacking it head on. That’s just silly.” Dirk is sharpening one of his swords in the corner like a badass. “Our best course of action is to avoid detection for as long as possible, hence the balloon.”

“Do we have a plan?”

“Of course.” With a sharp _shink_ , Dirk sheaths his sword and reaches into his breast pocket, pulling out a folded scrap of paper. It’s an extremely crude diagram of the CrockerCarrier. “Very few people have gotten good looks at this floating bastard and gotten away alive. Not many people know how it works, although the rumor is that it flies on the dregs of orphan’s broken dreams.”

“Do you believe that?”

“Hell no.” He traces a finger over a large spire positioned atop the carrier. “I doubt this smoke stack was slapped on simply because it looked elegant. This is our way in.”

“We’re flying into the smoking heart of the ship without any idea of what could be inside?”

“What’s wrong?” Steve sneers. “You aren’t scared, are you?”

“You know what? I’m getting real tired of your shit, Steve.” You push away from the edge and step closer to him. “I bet this balloon would fly hella faster if your smarmy ass wasn’t weighing it down.”

“Bring it, aviators. I could twist you inside out in about three seconds if you so much as lay a finger on me.”

“I’d _really_ like to see you try.”

Dirk puts a hand on your chest and steadily pushes you back.

“That’s enough, you two. We’ve got enough problems as is without any testosterone-fueled face-offs sucking in all the hot air.” He says, eyeing you pointedly. “Let’s stay on track, alright? We’re in this together.”

When Dirk turns his back again, you shoot Steve a pair of middle fingers and he responds with a scowl. A small part of you feels guilty for acting like a dickhead presently. Dirk is right. You _do_ have bigger problems than annoying piss-stains like Steve over here. The other part of you, the much bigger part, is just looking for an outlet for all this pent-up aggression.

You _knew_ , you fucking _knew_ that John shouldn’t have gone off by himself. Bad stuff always happens when you and your sword aren’t by his side. The whole reason he chose you to come with him in the first place was because you make a good team. Where’s the sense in splitting you up whatever chance he gets?

Sometimes, you worry where that boy’s head is.

A different Freedom Fighter, a girl who’s holding a small computer, suddenly speaks up:

“Well, hold me over a pot of boiling oil and sing me a song,” She says, tapping her device. “We’re approaching the CrockerCarrier faster than we expected. I suggest we start prepping for drop now.”

“Alright, good work, Sandra.” Dirk reaches up and ignites the fire under the balloon, causing the craft to rise. “Everyone make sure you’re ready to go in two minutes, understood?”

As everyone begins moving about the basket, shrugging on backpacks or loading weapons, Dirk motions for you to join him. Pulling out one of his swords, he passes it to you.

“You know how to use one of these, right?” He asks with a smirk.

“Eh, I’ve had some practice.” You weigh the blade in your hand. “You sure you wanna give me this?”

“I wouldn’t bring you along with only your good intentions and devilish good-looks for defense. Her name’s Ororo: Slayer of Suckers. If you treat her well, she’ll do the same.”

“You name your swords? Dude, that’s the most heavy metal shit I’ve ever heard.” Damn, you wish you’d thought of that first.

“Hell yeah, I do.” Dirk brings the balloon’s ascent to a halt. “We should be coming over the smoke stack soon, get ready to jump, alright?”

You nod and take up position near the edge of the basket, where several lengths of rope are tied. Taking one, you begin looping it around your waist. You’ve never base-jumped before, but hey, what’s the worst that could happen, amirite?

Dirk takes the rope by your side. One Freedom Fighter takes his place at the balloon controls and holds it steady as the clouds begin to part below. Through the gaps of white fluff, you can see the horribly red beacon of oppressive power as it flies lazily over the city. The smoke stack, sure enough, is on a course to pass directly beneath you.

You and Dirk climb onto the rim of the basket.

“Jump on my count,” He says. “One. Two. Three.”

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

You leap.

The cord around your waist snaps tight, preventing a potential tumble and creating a descent of the smoothest varieties. Using the white smoke which is billowing from the spire for cover, you, Dirk, and the rest of his rebel buddies descend into the hazy depths.

It’s warm. No. Fuck that. It’s hot as shit! Thank god Dirk gave you this sweet rebel gear to wear instead of that ratty old suit. Your new digs, consisting of lightweight pants and a red long-sleeved jersey, whisk the sweat from your body the second it springs up. Not to mention you look cool as fuuuuuuck.

As you are lowered further and further into the heart of the ship, you can hear the loud, metallic _clangs_ of many different mechanisms, all churning together to make this monstrosity fly. Dirk’s hand flaps through the smoke and motions for you and everyone else to follow his lead.

You watch as Dirk uses his momentum to swing on his cord towards a cat-walk, which you just noticed looming from the smog. Following suit, you kick your legs and bob over to the small platform.

“This is some Grade-A James Bond shit.” You comment, as you touch down by Dirk’s side. “How did you know that this plan would work?”

“Because _I_ said it would.” Dirk removes his tether and ties it to the railing of the cat-walk. “Come on, Dave. Let’s find our friends.”

After the rest of the Freedom Fighters have successfully landed, Dirk leads the way towards a maintenance door set into the wall of the massive tower. The door opens easily, but the alarm that sounds afterwards poses a whole different problem.

“Dammit!” Dirk yells over the claxons. “Change of plans. Fuck stealth. Kill everything!”

Everyone cheers and you draw your sword as you charge through the doorway and into the ship proper. The hallway beyond is clear of Orderlings, but you doubt it’ll stay that way for long. The sirens are deafening. You wouldn’t be surprised if the rebels back at the base could hear its shrill wail.

As one, your team of interlopers sprint down the corridor.

“Any idea where they’d keep prisoners?” You ask Dirk, as he unfolds his stolen blueprints once more.

“We have to be somewhere around the engine room, which is near the bottom of the ship.” He explains. “We’ll need to go up and towards the rear to reach the holding cells.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. All standard helicarriers like this come with a holding cell where the boss can taunt his enemies from a safe distance. Don’t you know anything?”

As your group nears a corner, you suddenly find your path blocked by half a dozen, red-suited, douchebags with rifles.

“I know how to cut a bitch!” You respond and then lunge into the guards, sword first.

It’s a total bloodbath.

Exactly forty-five seconds later, you and Dirk stand triumphantly over a pile of moaning and groaning Orderlings.

“Did you kick that last guy in the dick?” You ask Dirk warily.

“No.”

“I’m pretty sure I saw…”

“I didn’t. It was… the inside of his thigh. Come on!” Waving his hand, Dirk charges off again once more.

The girl from the air-balloon, named Sandra, joins your side as you begin to run once more.

“Well, call my mother and tell her I’m hungry. You’ve got a nice swing there, Shades.” She says with a wink. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were Dirk’s long-lost brother.”

“Heh. Wouldn’t that be somethin?” You smirk.

Deeper into the ship your go, hacking, slicing, and sometimes dick-kicking your way through the Empirical forces. After, like, twenty minutes of this bullshit, Dirk brings the team to a halt outside of a pair of large doors.

“The cells should be in here,” He explains. “We should be careful though. There are probably all sorts of defense mechanism in place to prevent anyone unauthorized from getting out _or_ in.”

“Naw. I’ve got this.” Says the asshole, _Steve_.

He steps up to the door, pushes it open a crack and immediately gets shot in the head with a mother fucking bullet. Steve falls to the floor, half of his face gone, completely and irrevocably: dead.

“Oh no.” You deadpan. “Not _Steve_. He was my favorite.”

From inside the room, you can hear voices.

“W-what was that racket?” Stammers a male. “I dare say these Orderlings have come to put us out of are misery!”

“Quiet, Jake. One of the turrets activated just for some reason.” Replies a female.

“Roxy!” Dirk presses his ear to the door. “Can you hear me?”

“Dirk!” Roxy cries excitedly from beyond the door. “You came for me! I knew you would!”

“Of course. Did you think I’d let the Condense get away with kidnapping motherfucking RoLal?! Not on my watch, man.” Dirk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a silver orb. You know enough about sweet action movies to tell that it’s a grenade. “Try and find some cover, alright? We’re about to blast this place to kingdom come.”

You hear a muffled _“Shit”_ and a loud _crash_ as something heavy is thrown to the floor. Dirk waits approximately ten seconds before opening the door just enough to roll his grenade inside.

“Ears.” He says, and then covers his ears with his palms.

You barely have time to shield your own precious aural facilities when the ground beneath your feet shakes with a powerful explosion. Without waiting for the dust to settle, Dirk unnecessarily kicks the doors open and charges into the holding area.

All of the turrets that were resting on the floor have been obliterated, along with a set of metal bars separating a small cell from the rest of the room. Inside, Roxy Lalonde and the guy, who you guess is named Jake, cower behind an overturned, steel bench.

“Wait. Wait. Wait!” Roxy cries as Dirk is about to step into the cell. “I need to come up with a snappy one-liner. Gimme a sec.” She taps her chin with a finger for a moment, then: “Aren't you a little short for a Freedom Fighter?”

“Cut the shit. We don’t have time for movie quotes, no matter how relevant.” Dirk steps inside and helps Roxy to her feet.

“Where’s John?” You demand, joining them.

“He was taken by those blasted guards.” Jake explains. “They didn’t say what treacheries they had for him, but I doubt it’s anything good for the poor bloke.”

“I’m going to search the rest of the ship.” You turn towards the door, but Dirk’s hand on your shoulder stops you.

“You aren’t going anywhere by yourself.” He says firmly. “We need to get Roxy and Jake off this ship before we do anything else.”

“Nope. Nu uh.” Roxy shakes her head. “I’m not going anywhere without Johnny. He’s our friend, Dirk. We can’t just leave him.”

“We aren’t leaving anyone. It’s just not safe for all of us to just roam this ship randomly. My priority is getting as many people as I can out alive.”

“Well my priority is taking care of my friends.” Roxy turns to you. “Let’s go, Dave.”

You and Roxy leave the cell, only pausing enough for her to relieve Dead Steve of his rifle, before heading into the maze-like heart of the CrockerCarrier, in search of one John Egbert. However, you haven’t traveled neigh thirty feet before there are footsteps behind you.

You turn to find Dirk, Jake and his entire team giving chase.

“We stick together.” Dirk says, albeit reluctantly. “Come on. Let’s find John.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re face to face with yet another, evil villain that has something nasty in store for you.

Where the hell do all these guys come from? Jack Noir. Doc Scratch. The Condense. It seems you’re doomed to life, plagued by bizarre, weirdoes who just wanna rip you in half. Well, if this Empress is going to beat you to a pulp, then there’s no way you’re going down without a…

“How are you doing? Are you feeling alright?” The Condense rests her head lazily on her palm. “Not too hungry or tired?”

“W- What?”

“Am I speaking a foreign language to you, Mister Egbert?” She asks. “Or perhaps you’re just a stranger to common courtesy.”

You gape at her for a moment, slowly attempting to re-wire your brain into understanding this situation.

“S-Sorry.” Your voice grows stronger. “I just remember the last guy who offered me refreshments and then tried to kill me. We didn’t get along so well.”

The Condense lets out a shrill peal of laughter that sounds more like a wail of agony than anything else. Standing from her throne, she steps down from her raised platform and reveals herself in the light of the glowing chandelier, which hangs from the ceiling.

Her entire body from the neck down is covered in a black, skin-tight suit, gilded with the most fancy swirls of dark-purple and golden thread you ever did see. Her face is a dull grey in tone and atop her head, sits a pair of long, candy corn-colored horns.

“I think that we’re going to get along _just_ fine.” Sneers the alien empress.

You’re brain has frozen once more. The Condense waits patiently, as you stare at her, open-mouthed and try to piece together all the pieces to form… some sort of picture.

You decide to start with the basics.

“You’re a troll.” You say, pointing at her. “You’re an alien.”

“How very observant of you.” The Condense begins to dreamily move about the room, drifting first towards the door and locking it with a sharp _click_ , then towards a long bar against the wall. “Do you want a drink? I’m having a drink.”

You’re throat is a little parched, but you aren’t about to accept anything from this troll woman, other than some old-fashioned answers, of course.

“How did you escape the medium?” You demand. “How did you get here? Which troll are you?”

Could this troll be Feferi? You’d never seen her in person. Hell, as far as you know, she could be the ruthless Eridan too.

“Which troll am I?” She pauses, halfway through preparing a tall martini. “I’m the _best_ troll there is. I’m the only troll that matters, where you are concerned.” She takes a deep draft from her glass and shudders physically as she swallows. She smacks her lips. “You know, we didn’t have vermouth back on Alternia. It’s a shame, considering how useful it is to me now.”

She snaps her fingers and a spark of magic spirals into the air.

“Earth truly is the land of miracles.” She proclaims, and then drinks again.

You’ve had just about enough of this rigmarole.

“I’ve had just about enough of this rigmarole!” You say, clenching your fists. “Answer my questions. Who are you? Why are you such an evil ruler? What are you going to do with me?!”

The Condense lowers her glass and glares at you over the rim.

“You will wait for me to finish my monologue, or else face dire consequences, Mr. Egbert.” She seethes. “I was just explaining the source of my magical powers before you so rudely interrupted me.”

“I don’t care that booze gives you magic! I have other stuff to worry about!”

“And you think I don’t?” She slides out from behind the bar and approaches you. “I’ve got ninety-nine problems and let me tell you, _you_ are definitely at the top of the list.”

You wait for her to continue and after a moment, she does:

“I knew I’d be seeing you again.” She explains casually. “I just never expected to see a young man before me, instead of the old coot who was such a thorn in my side that…” She closes her eyes and exhales deeply, apparently lost in some unpleasant memory. “Anyway, I know why you’re here and I just want you to know that you’re too late.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The end of the world, you idiot!” She lashes out and flicks you on the forehead, hard enough to smart. “I’ve already come up with a full-proof solution to insure that my reign continues uninterrupted.”

“You invented SBURB.” You deduce.

The Condense’s horrible face splits into a wide, toothy grin that sends chills up your spine.

“Once again, your observation skills are to be admired.” She turns and begins to pace. “Not invented, per say, but more of plagiarized. My SBURB is based off the SGRUB that ended my own home world and my solution to preserving my new one.”

“Alright, then we’re on the same team then!” You smile at the Condense, suddenly hopeful. “If you let me bring Roxy, Dirk, and Jake into the game, then we can save your world, along with…”

You’re silenced by a deadly glare.

“You really think I’m going to let you pick and chose who enters my game? Do you really _think_ that I’m going to let your world and Alternia be reborn? As if!” She angrily stalks back to her throne and stoops to snatch a small box from where it lay by her feet. “This is my work! Not yours! I’ll do with it whatever I damn well please! I will rebuild _all_ of your words in my image!”

You watch with awe as she flips open the lid of the box and retrieves a gleaming, red CD from its depths. There it is, not ten yards away from you in this lunatic’s hand, a copy of the SBURB Alpha.

“Look at it!” She demands. “Do you see how cool this shit is?! _I_ made it, and with it’s power, nothing is to stop me from creating any world I want, a world where I rule all!”

You leap forward and fly through the air, snatching the disc from her grasp as you pass. The Condense stares, bewildered as you float over towards the door. If you can just get outside and back to the cells, then you can save Roxy and Jake! You have to get this disc to safety- HOLY SHIT!

A powerful laser blast surges past you and leaves a John Egbert-sized scorch mark on the wall. You drop to the ground and roll out of harm’s way.

“Give me that back!” The condense screeches. “You’re not getting out of here alive!”

You turn to find her stalking towards you, her fists clenched and radiant with mystical energy. Angry, red smoke rises from her glowing eyes and you know instantly that you’re fucked. Somewhere in the rest of the ship, sirens start to wail. Whether that be because of what’s taking place here, or for some other cause, you do not know.

The Condense draws nearer. You shove the SBURB alpha into your pocket.

**STRIFE!**

You fly upwards, dodging her next arcane bolt, which incinerates a handsome grandfather clock in your place.

The Condense roars in rage as she fires magic missile after magic missile, narrowly missing you by inches each time as you flutter about the room like a trapped moth.

Bouncing off the ceiling, you twist and sweep your arm in her direction. A powerful gale topples all the fancy furniture in the room and sends the Condense flipping head over heels to crash into the bar.

Bottles shatter and the sweet stench of gin fills your nostrils and you realize your mistake a second too late. The Condense rises from the crushed bar, soaked in the finest martini ingredients money can buy.

Magical sparks and vapor swirl around her in a tornado of death.

“You’re going to pay for that, Egbert.” She growls. “I’m going to tear you into _fourteen_ different pieces and eat one every day of the week for the next two… GAH!”

A small explosion sends her flipping across the room again to land behind her throne. You turn to find, Dave, Roxy, Dirk, Jake, and a few other people standing in the open doorway.

“Well, it looks like we showed up at the right time.” Dirk smirks and tosses another silver ball between his hands. “How are you doing, Egbert?”

With a loud roar, The Condense tears her throne from the floor and holds it above her head, ripping it in half. You have a horrible mental image of her doing that to you, except thirteen more times.

“I’ll be awesome once we get out of here!” You fly towards the doorway and careen into the hall, racing along with the rest of the sprinting group.

You hear two large _crashes_ as the Condense hurls her throne after you, but thankfully misses. You wonder how much time you have before she catches up and incinerates all of you.

“Glad you’re still in one piece, Bro.” Dave grins up at you as he jogs next to Roxy. “I know good and well what happens every time you go toe to toe with a baddy.”

“Yeah. Don’t remind me.” You suddenly spot a group of Orderlings blocking your path, rifles held at the ready and aimed directly at your chest.

“There he is!” Shouts one. He raises a gun and fires with a small _pop_. Something nails you in the arm and you cry out in pain, twisting to avoid another shot.

The Freedom Fighters below prepare to fight back, but you force your way through the pain and shield them with another mighty gust of wind that blows all the offending Orderlings back down the hall whence they came.

“John! Were you shot?!” Roxy runs to your side as you float to the ground.

“Yeah, but…” You run your hand over your sleeve and pull out a small dart from where it had lodged itself in your bicep. “I think I’m okay.”

“Fuck.” Roxy pulls the projectile from your fingers. “Oh god. What if this is poison?!”

Jake steps up and snatches it from her hands. He holds it under his nose, breathes in a large whiff, and even dabs the tip with his tongue.

“You’re in luck, mate. No poison that I know of here.” He says with a smile. “You’re lucky that cockeyed scoundrel didn’t have something dastardly in this dart, or else you probably would have been caput!”

From the hallway behind you, the sounds of the approaching Condense can be heard.

“Wonderful, everyone’s fine and un-poisoned, but it won’t stay that way if we don’t get out of here.” Dirk grabs you by the elbow and starts pulling you forward. “Come on. We’re getting the hell out of here."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta admit. This is the most fun I've had writing a chapter for a long time. It may come off as a little ridiculous, which it honestly is, but that's sort of the stuff I enjoy writing the most. There's more Condense/John interaction in the future, so try not to feel slighted by the fact that few questions were answered this chapter.
> 
> There's been a lot of love for Kyle recently, at least in the reviews over at FF.net. What you have all yet to realize is that Kyle is the most important character in this entire story.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	54. ACT 6 - PART 9

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently trapped within the gleaming, silver ring that is currently serving as the link between the medium and the dimension and John and Dave are currently gallivanting about in. Jack Noir prowls beyond the glowing ring, swishing his sword and growling menacingly.

“I’ve just told Dave what’s going on.” Jade says. “He says that he’s going to try and get back as fast as he can, but that they’re sort of in the middle of something.”

“That’s fine. As long as they’re in the alternate dimension, then the ring should protect us.” Kanaya assures her.

“Why though?” You ask her. “Why can Jack Noir not enter the ring?”

“Players only.” She responds with a shrug. “I’m sure there some much greater technical explanation that is most likely the key to our victory, but seeing as we have no way of finding it out, I’m more than happy to accept or current situation. Let us not look a gift horse in the mouth.”

“We can’t just sit on our asses and wait for John and Dave to get back.” Terezi calls from where she’s still cradling Karkat. “We need to get some medical supplies from the temple.”

She’s right. You examine Karkat. After the loss of his lower leg at the hands of Jack Noir and your shady patch-up job, he’s remained as still as a statue, unconscious. His skin has grown paler than ever and Equius shirt, which is wrapped around his stump, has become soaked with blood. Leading you to believe that your hasty cauterization hadn’t done the trick.

“Also, Damara.” Equius adds. “She’s still in the pit.”

You curse silently. Why can’t anything just be simple?

Someone will have to venture out and brave the hundred yard journey to the temple, dodging Jack Noir along the way. You know firsthand that Jack Noir is unparalleled in combat. Even with the Horrorterrors backing you up, the strife between you and him on LOWAS was a wash before it had even begun.

That seems like a really long time ago. Almost like a distant dream, or better yet: a nightmare.

“We’ll have to make a run then.” You draw your wands. “With Kanaya, Jade, and Karkat otherwise occupied, I will draw Jack Noir away from the temple as a diversion. Equius will then return to the temple and retrieve Damara along with the bag of medicinal supplies, which should be near the Alchemiter.”

“You’re going to fight Jack Noir?” Terezi’s mouth quirks with her question. “All by yourself? Rose that’s so stupid.”

“I believe we’re out of options. Kanaya claims that the ring should keep us safe, however if Equius and I fail, it will be up to you to keep everyone in here safe.”  You turn to Equius. “Are you ready to go?”

The large troll looks uncomfortably between you and Jack Noir.

“I- I think we should reconsider.” He says.

“Reconsider?” You echo. “Equius we don’t have time…”

“I should be the one to lead Jack Noir away.” He draws to his full height. “Although you are an excellent fighter, I’m stronger and faster and I belive that I will be able to hold him off for longer.”

“Equius.”

“I’ve already made up my mind, Rose.” He reaches down and pats you on the shoulder. “You’re much more important than I am anyways.”

“I don’t think that’s true at all.” You admit.

“Well, it is.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small rectangle of plastic. It looks like a memory card or a flash drive. “I know that this is already a time-sensitive thing, but I highly recommend that you make a detour to my lab and insert this into the computer.”

“What is it?” You ask, taking the drive.

“Hopefully it’s something that can help. I don’t know exactly _how_ much of a help it will be, probably not at all, but I would still appreciate it if you tried.”

“Is this what you’ve been working on for the past year, Equius?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me what it is.”

“You’ll have to see for yourself. Once you get a look at it, you’ll understand.” He smiles, flashing his cracked and crooked teeth.

“I’ll see if there’s time.” You stow the drive in the sash around your waist.

Turning to look at Kanaya and Jade, you see that both of them are staring at you with wide eyes.

“Just be fast, Rose.” Jade says quickly. “Just get in, get out and get your ass back here, okay? No dillydallying.”

“No dillydallying. Got it.” You smile.

Kanaya coughs lightly and flips a stray bang out of her face. The dark lock falls perfectly in line with the rest of her sculpted appearance.

“I’ll see you soon.” Is all she says. “Both of you.”

Equius grunts in agreement, and then he kneels down next to Karkat and pats his old friend on the forehead. Under the troll’s large palm, Karkat’s head looks smaller than ever. The leader of the trolls looks weak and, this thought more than anything else, spurs the fire in your chest.

“His blood is red.” Equius mutters quietly, almost too quiet for you to hear. He turns to Terezi.“ You’ll take care of him, right? I know you will, of course. It’s just that, sometimes he thinks everyone’s a little too rough with him, you know?”

“He confided in you, huh?” Terezi grins. “That’s funny. I can’t imagine you putting up with all of his griping.”

“I’m a better listener than you think.”

“Yeah.” Terezi’s grin drifts downwards slowly. “Don’t worry. Nubs here, is in good hands. Just get back in one piece.”

Then she leans upwards and presses a tiny kiss to his cheek. Dark blue stains of blush discolor Equius face as he rises to his feet once more. He cracks his knuckles.

“I- uh, I suppose I’ll be seeing you all later then.” He says, as he begins walking towards the edge of the ring, the side facing away from the temple.

“Soon.” You correct and take your place on the opposite end.

Equius gives a final nod and a last glance around the ring. Everyone watches as he steps from the circle and begins to run. Jack Noir is off like a bullet. He streaks around the edge of the protective circle and bears down on the escaping troll. As Equius mounts the rim of the crater and disappears, you lose sight of the chase and hear nothing but your own heavy breathing and beating of giant wings.

You should probably start running now.

Stepping from the circle and back to the rocky surface of the meteor is like coming back down to reality. Your chest feels heavy, the air seems muggier, and the loose stones that cover the ground make it feel as if you’re trying to run across a sea of marbles. Regardless, you push forward and sprint as fast as you can towards the temple ruins.

Somewhere over your shoulder you hear a mighty roar. It’s Equius. Whether it’s a fierce war cry or a howl of pain, you don’t know. Either one is a bad omen. You try to block out any background noise and focus on the task at hand.

You reach the ruins un-hindered and dash through the temple entrance, making a beeline for Damara. The female troll is still sitting at the bottom of the pit, scowling, picking at her nails, and muttering under her breath.

“Damara.” You pull open the fence gate and kick down the rope ladder. “Come on. We’re leaving.”

Without hesitating, she scales the ladder and joins you at ground level. Damara eyes you for a moment, squinting and frowning and just contemplating… something. You clutch your wands a little tighter in your fists, although she makes no move. She just waits and watches.

“Stay close to me.” You command after a moment, and then you start running once more, this time towards Equius’s lab.

The little corner of the temple has not been visited by anyone but the high-blood since you first arrived on this god-forsaken space rock. It’s surrounded by opaque curtains of plastic and discarded piles of machinery and wires, things you do not recognize or care for. Whatever is in here better be important.

Throwing aside the curtains, you stifle a small gasp.

“Oh, Equius…” You sigh. “What have you done?”

In the center of the lab, on a steel workbench, lies a humanoid figure. It’s a robot composed of sleek metal and glistening circuitry, which bears an uncanny resemblance to a one, deceased Aradia Megido.

“それは何性交のですか？そして、なぜ地獄は、それは私のように見えるのでしょうか？飛んで性交はあなたの人々と間違って何か” Damara peeks over your shoulder.

She appears to be more exasperated than shocked by this discovery, which is impressive in your mind, considering how the cyborg looks quite a lot like her as well.

“Watch the temple entrance.” You order and move towards the computer stationed next to the workbench. The AradiaBot is connected to the computer with several cables. You know instantly what Equius wanted you to do and you seriously doubt that it’s going to work.

Inserting the flash drive into the computer port, you jimmy the mouse and bring up the computer’s desktop. After the flash drive is read, a single dialogue box pops up, which simply prompts:

_Activate?_

_[Yes]         [No]_

You click ‘ _Yes’_ and wait with bated breath as the computer starts to hum. A light on AradiaBot’s chest flashes repeatedly and a few _whirrs_ and _clicks_ emanate from within her metallic chest. You put a good distance of about half a dozen feet between you and the cyborg. Just in case it explodes.

You’ve learned that pretty much anything can happen at this point and no matter how interesting it might be to watch this robot come to life up close, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Damara, who’s halfway out of the tent, looks frequently between the robot, you, and the temple entrance over and over again. You wish she spoke English or that you spoke Japanese. It would be interesting to get her take on all of this nonsense.

Suddenly the eyes of the robot snap open, revealing two, twin orbs of glowing red that cast a rather eerily light on what’s left of the temple roof. Like a vampire rising from its casket, AradiaBot sits up, unintentionally unplugging itself from the computer in the process. It’s robotic head swivels around, apparently takes in everything in the room, and then fixes upon you.

“Hello.” It’s voice sounds like the rattling of a tin can. “ _Whirr_. _Beep_. Rose Lalonde?”

“Yes…” You answer, a little unsure.”

AradiaBot raises it’s robotic fingers to its eyes and wriggles them experimentally. Its head then swivels downwards to examine it’s body fully.

“I- I feel…” It rattles. “I feel… great!” AradiaBot suddenly leaps from the table and rushes towards you. “Do you see me? Do you see what I am?!”

“Yes, yes. Of course I see you.” You find yourself pressed against the wall. “Are you… are you Aradia or…”

“Or what?” AradiaBot traces a finger of the rune painted onto her chest, the symbol of Aries. “What else would I be?”

“I don’t know.” You roll your eyes. “Maybe a computer program created by Equius to inhabit a lifeless robotic form?”

“Equius.” It may just be your imagination, but it seems as if AradiaBot’s eyes light up at the mention of his name. “Is he here? Where is he? Can we go see him?”

“He’s here, but he’s in trouble.” You explain quickly. “Listen, Jack Noir has found us. We have to move quickly if we’re going to save not just Equius, but all of our friends.”

“Friends.” AradiaBot repeats. “What friends? Who are the friends?”

“ _The friends_ are all of your fellow trolls and us humans.” You grab her by the cold, metallic arm and pull her towards the lab exit. “Don’t you remember your friends?”

“Yes, of course. There’s Equius and…” AradiaBot comes to a sudden halt, causing you to stagger. “I mean, Equius is my friend and there’s also… You, Rose Lalonde.”

Her robotic features twist in confusion. You can almost see the gears turning in her head.

“Don’t worry about it now.” You assure her. “Equius must have neglected to upload your databanks with profiles of all of your friends. Maybe your memory function’s off of visual stimulation. You remember me, of course?”

“Yes. You are Rose Lalonde.” AradiaBot suddenly catches sight of Damara standing in the doorway. “And that is… Aradia Megido?”

“No.” You correct. “ _You_ are Aradia Megido.”

“I am… Aradia Megido.” AradiaBot repeats. She puts a hand to her forehead with a soft _clink_. “I think I need to sit down, Rose Lalonde.”

“You can’t sit down now. Just don’t think about anything else for the moment, besides the immediate task at hand.” Grabbing her by the arm again, you motion for Damara to follow, and lead the way back into the temple proper. “Follow me, alright?”

“Alright. I will follow…” AradiaBot trails off. Her head quickly snaps around and looks towards the temple entrance. “Something is approaching.” She says. “It is a threat.”

Hmmm. Interesting. You wonder just how many useful devices Equius has built into AradiaBot. Also, if Jack Noir is approaching, either Equius is dead or Jack Noir has simply caught onto your little trick and come to kill you himself. Either way, you should probably get back to the safety of the ring now.

“That would be Jack Noir.” You explain, as you turn and sprint towards the Alchemiter, while AradiaBot and Damara follow close behind. Slinging the first-aid bag over your shoulder, you straighten up to find AradiaBot staring intently at the Alchemiter.

“Alchemiter.” She defines. “A game construct designed to assist players in the creation of in-game items. Heh, interesting.”

“Extremely. How close is Jack Noir to our current position?” You ask as you lead the group once more towards the temple exit.

“Forty yards due north.” AradiaBot answers quickly. “I have identified him a level five threat. The highest threat level there is apparently. Rose Lalonde, I am very curious as to what is happening.”

“Well, get in line. I have numerous questions myself.” As you near the temple entrance, you suddenly find your path blocked by none other than Jack Noir himself. No surprise there. You seriously doubted that you make it back to the ring without encountering him.

He steps forward and raises his sword.  Out of the corner of your eye, you watch Damara pull a pair of needles from the bun in her hair, simultaneously, AradiaBot clenches her fists and assumes a fighters stance. Shaking your head, your raise your wands and prepare for the most interesting battle yet.

**STRIFE!**

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re currently fighting your way through a floating airship in an attempt to escape from a magical tyrant from another planet.

Same old, same old, amirite?

“I got a new rule,” Dave says as he stabs an Orderling though the chest. “From now on, you don’t ever, _ever_ leave me behind when you go on potentially dangerous missions. It never works out.”

“Oh, please.” Roxy speaks for you as she kicks one Orderling in the gut and then knees him in the face when he doubles over. “Like you could have done something more to stop that CrockerBot. All that would have happened is that you would have been captured too.”

“Or maybe I would have kicked that robot’s ass and saved _everyone_.”

“Or maybe you could have been killed.”

“Or maybe now isn’t the time to discuss this!” You interject before Dave can respond. Sheesh, what is it between Lalonde’s and Strider’s? “Dirk, where’s this awesome air balloon that you keep talking about?”

Dirk performs a spinning kick that launches an Orderling into the wall with a sickening _crack_. The man slumps to the floor and does not get up.

“You, bastard!” Cries an Orderling who witnessed the attack. “Josh only had one week until retirement!”

Dirk decapitates this guy and then turns to you.

“Just a little further, we need to get back to…” He is cut off by a loud rumble from somewhere above. The whole ship seems to groan dangerously.

“What is that dadblasted dame doing?” Jake asks. “She’s going to tear this whole bloody ship to smithereens!”

“I think she’s just upset.” You pull the copy of SBURB from your pocket. “I sort of stole this while she was monologuing.”

Dave’s mouth draws into a thin line, a telltale sign that he’s surprised by something. Maybe you aren’t as susceptible to his poker face as you always were? Or maybe his time with the trolls has made him more expressive? You don’t know and frankly it doesn’t even matter at the moment.

“Is that…” He begins.

“A copy of SBURB!” Roxy finishes, snatching it from your fingers. She thrusts it in Dirk’s face. “Get a look at this, hot shot. I told you we were telling the truth!”

“Wonderful.” Dirk brushes her hand away. “Just what I wanted to hear. The world really _is_ ending and all of my hard work is for nothing. Fantastic.”

All the Freedom Fighters that had accompanied Dirk and Dave into the ship look at him quizzically.

“What are you talking about?” Asks one.

“Yeah, Dirk. What’s going on?” Adds another.

Dirk scratches at this head and, if anything, looks a little sheepish. He takes a deep breath.

“I’ll explain later. Right now, let’s just focus on getting out of here, alright?” Without waiting for a response, he begins leading the way towards the exit once more.

Your group heads down a flight of stairs and down a narrow corridor towards an open door. You cautiously step out onto a cat walk and look down to see a yawning, metal chasm that leads all the way down into the ship’s belly. A strong sense of vertigo washes over you and you step away from the edge quickly.

“Whoa there, Johnny.” Roxy’s fingers wrap around your bicep. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of heights.”

“I’m not scared of heights.” You respond quickly, wiping sweat from your brow. “All this smoke in the air is just wigging me out.”

“Oh, I didn’t think of that.” Roxy holds out the SBURB CD to you. “You should probably hold onto this.”

“No. You can hold it.”

“John.” Roxy tries to push the CD into your chest. “This seems like a really important piece of treasure. Like, literally everything in the universe would probably be fucked up if this was lost. I think you should have it.”

“Nope.” You gently push it back towards her. “I trust you.”

Her mouth opens and closes a few times, but eventually, a small smile tugs at her lips. Dirk unties a cord from where it’s moored to the guard rail and begins wrapping it around Roxy’s waist, as she stows the copy of SBURB in her pocket. The rope trails up into the dense smog and out of sight.

“Tug on this twice and you’ll get pulled up, got it.” He says, before turning back to grab another. “Come here, Jake.”

Jake steps forward and allows Dirk to tie the cord around his middle.

“This doesn’t seem very safe.” He comments, eyeing the cord nervously.

“Of course it isn’t.” Dirk tugs on the cord twice. “It’s badass.”

Jake lets out a shrill yell as he’s pulled up and out of sight. Roxy grins and tugs on hers, disappearing as well. All around you, Freedom Fighters pop out of sight, until only you, Dirk, and Dave are left.

“Well there’s only one cord left.” Dirk says, offering it to Dave. “Go up and send another two more, alright?”

“I can fly.” You offer. “In fact, I could probably fly us all out of here if you wanted.”

“Really?” Dirk asks. “Well then, let’s get going. We’ve got a lot to talk about at home base.”

You’re just about to huddle up with your old friend and your new friend, when you feel a powerful wave of energy roll across you, causing the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up. Without a second thought, you grab Dave and Dirk by the collars and pull them to the ground.

A magical bolt of energy flies over your head and blows a hole in the opposite wall.

“Stand still, you little fucks!” The Condense steps through the doorway and out onto the catwalk. “You aren’t going anywhere!”

Both Dave and Dirk jump to their feet, sword’s poised and ready to strike. You sort of stand between them and try to look as menacing as possible.

“Condense.” Dirk growls. “I’ve waited a long time for a chance like this.”

“Oh, I bet you have.” A twisted smile contorts the Empress’s face. “I remember you, little Dirky Striderky. I enjoyed killing your brother immensely. You should have heard the way he begged and pleaded for his life. _Pathetic_.”

“My Bro didn’t beg!” Dirk lunges forward, but the Condense simply backhand’s back him onto his ass.

“Insolent fool!” She sneers. “You cannot hope to defeat me with your silly metal sticks. Hand over the disc and maybe I will consider making your death quick.”

“The disc is gone.” You say, as Dirk climbs to his feet. “It’s far away from you and super safe at the moment.”

“Really now?” The Condense spots the final cord leading up to the balloon. “Is that so?”

From his pocket, Dirk pulls out a final, silver ball and throws it the ground at the Condense’s feet. You have a split second to realize that it’s a grenade, before it explodes with a large plume of fire. The Condense screams in pain and rage, as the catwalk buckles and snaps under you feet, sending everyone tumbling into the abyss.

Focusing on your windy powers, you wrap both Dave and Dirk in your arms and slow their descent. Clinging to each other tightly, your group floats up and out of the smoke stack. You catch sight of the air balloon and fly towards it, depositing both the Strider’s in the crowded basket.

“Are you guys okay?” Roxy asks, leaning over the edge of basket and peeking into the smoky darkness below. “We heard explosions and stuff.”

“The Condense.” Dirk explains simply, slumping to the floor. “The motherfucking Condense, man.”

“Is it too much to hope that she died?” You ask.

The air balloon pulls away from the CrockerCarrier and disappears amongst the clouds once more, with you floating in tow. Looking over your shoulder, you catch a final glimpse of the hulking, red monstrosity as it begins to drift back towards the city.

“Yeah, that’s probably a little too optimistic, John.” Dirk answers. “More than anything else, we probably just pissed her off. Come on, let’s get back to base.”

As the air balloon ferries the whole group home, Dave shifts to the edge of the basket and leans out to talk to you.

“So, the Condense, huh?” He begins, in a hushed tone. “Was it just me, or did that bitch…”

“Have grey skin and horns?” You finish. “No. I saw that too. The Condense told me that she is a troll who created this version of SBURB so that she could save this planet and create other ones that she can rule.”

“What a bitch.”

“Tell me about it.”

Dave glances over his shoulder to where Dirk, Roxy, and Jake are talking.

“Should we tell them that their Empress is an alien?” He asks.

“When we get back to their base.” You respond. “I don’t think anyone else besides them needs to know though. It would probably just freak them out.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I gotta ask though, what did the Condense want with _you_ specifically? It seemed like she singled you out and separated you from the others.”

“She just wanted to talk and gloat.” You shrug. “She said that she knew who I was and why I was there, but that’s really it. I’m honestly just confused by the whole thing.”

“Well, we all have alternate dimension counterparts here. Maybe you used to be her boyfriend or something?”

“Ugh. I hope not.” You shiver at the thought. “More than anything else, I was probably just some dude she had killed. I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to you guys.”

“Now isn’t that a pleasant thought.” Dave rubs his forehead and winces.

“You alright?” You ask.

“Yeah, I’m just…”  He trails off. After a few moments of silence, he grits his teeth. “Fuck, John. I think we’re in trouble.”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?”

Dave grips the edge of the basket tightly and fixes his shaded gaze upon yours.

“Jack Noir has just landed on the meteor.”

* * *

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are now Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. You’ve just escaped from the Condense with a copy of SBURB under your arm and all of your friends safe and sound.

Today might be the greatest day of your life.

As soon as the air balloon, which was a really cool idea by Dirk, touches down on the beach outside of the Freedom Fighter’s base, Dirk shepherds the whole team below ground and into his secluded bedroom.

“Alright, so I believe it’s time to reassess our situation.” He says, after everyone has filed inside.

“Reassess?” John repeats. “Dirk, I don’t think there’s much more we can talk about.”

“Oh, there’s _plenty_ to talk about.”

“You said that if we found Jake and got a copy of SBURB, then you’d come with us.” You pull the disc out of your pocket. “And viola! Here we are.”

“Yeah, I’m well aware that you’ve held up your end of the bargain, no matter how sloppily.” Dirk takes the disc from you and examines it. “And yeah, according to the terms of our agreement, I can’t deny that this is actually happening. What’s still to be determined is where you’re going to find two other players.”

“One other player.” John points to Jake, who’s stood off in the corner. “He’s our third.”

Jake shifts uncomfortably when all eyes swivel to him.

“I- I’m not quite sure what all of you are talking about, truthfully.” He admits.

John steps up to Jake.

“I think I better start from the beginning.” He says, slowly. “Jake, my name is John Egbert and I’m from an alternate dimension...”

Half an hour later, you and Dave are playing Go-Fish on Dirk’s bed while John and Dirk talk to Jake on the other side of the room. The island boy is taking all of this better than you thought he would. The only one who truly seems freaked out by Jake’s addition to the team seems to be Dave.

“He just… reminds me of someone.” Dave explains when you ask why he’s been staring at Jake with that odd look for the past twenty minutes. “Someone that I used to know.”

“So then you really think he’s your third player?”

“Yes.” Dave fiddles with the watch strapped to his wrist. “Definitely.”

Eventually, Jake is left slumped in the computer chair staring, around the room with an odd expression of wonder.

“So my Grandmother is still alive and kicking in this _‘medium’_ or you called it.” He looks to John.

“Yup and she needs your help.” John gestures to everyone in the room. “We all do, actually.”

“By Jove.” Jake breathes.

“So…” John rubs the back of his neck. “Are you, uh… going to come with us?”

Everyone looks up from what they’re doing to watch as Jake responds. The poor boy looks between John, you, and Dirk in quick succession. His mouth, which had been hanging agape, suddenly snaps shut.

“Of course!” He grins. “Do you think I’m going to miss a capital adventure like this? Pshaw!”

Dave turns to Dirk, a smug smirk painted across his typically expressionless features.

“Now see that, Dirk.” He says. “Why couldn’t _you_ have been that easy to convince?”

“If I had been, then you wouldn’t have gone to find him.” Dirk jabs a thumb at Jake. “So I guess through some backwards, convoluted way of reasoning, I sort of did the right thing by being stubborn. You’re welcome.”

Dave opens his mouth to respond, but is interrupted when there’s a furious set of knocks at the door. IS anyone going to be able to finish their sentence today? Seriously.

Motioning for everyone to put a hold on this conversation for the time being, Dirk crosses to the door and opens it a sliver.

“Yes?” He asks.

“We’re under attack!” Cries the Freedom Fighter at the door, the girl named Sandra.

“Uh… What?”

“You heard me! We’ve got multiple CrockerBots inbound and the CrockerCarrier itself is heading right for our location!”

Dirk looks over his shoulder towards the assembled group and then back at his fellow rebel.

“Start getting everyone into the tunnels.” He commands, pushing open the door and stepping out into the hallway. You jump up and, along with everyone else, follow Dirk outside.

As Sandra runs away to go follow Dirk’s orders, the rebel leader takes you, John, Dave, and Jake to a different room which you’ve never seen before. There’s a large map on a high table and an impressive bank of computers stacked on a desk against the wall. If you had to guess, this must be the headquarters of the rebellion.

“Ryan.” Dirk barks at a Freedom Fighter sitting at the computers. “Bring up the radar and show me what we’re up against.”

The dude named Ryan jiggles his mouse and brings up a display on the largest computer monitor. It shows the base and about a billion white dots closing in on it’s location.

Dirk lets out a low groan.

“How did they find us?” Jake asks, warily eyeing the monitor. “I thought the whole reason we flew in that blasted balloon was because it was _un_ -detectible!”

“It’s supposed to be.” Dirk rubs at his chin. “We were careful to use the smoke and clouds for cover. There’s no way they tracked us on visuals alone.”

“Maybe you’ve got a double agent down here.”Dave offers.

 “No. No one down here would betray us.” Dirk shakes his head. “I’ve spent years making sure that this place was completely invisible to all of the Empire’s tricks…”

Dirk, who had been turning to leave again, suddenly freezes as his gaze falls upon John. His shades flash and before anyone can react, he lunges and grabs John by the lapels. The rebel leader throws John against the table, sending the map and a few abandoned coffee mugs falling to the floor.

“Dirk!” Both you and Dave cry in unison.

You rush forward but a single glare from Dirk stops you in your tracks.

“Nobody move.” He demands. He pins John against the table and quickly draws a pocket knife from his pocket. “Hold still.”

You watch in horror as Dirk digs the small blade into John’s arm where he had previously been stuck by the dart. John cries out in pain and Dave charges forward, but in a second, it’s all over. With a small _pop_ , Dirk flicks something from John’s arm into the air and catches it between his fingers.

“Shit on my dick.” He breathes, holding the small, pill-shaped device to the light. It’s tiny and blinking faintly with an even smaller red light. Dirk drops the tracking device to the floor and crushes it beneath his shoe. “Nice going, Egbert. You’ve led them right to us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been playing The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth like an absolute slut. If you haven't heard of TBoI, then it's this super legit indie game that makes me wanna do like twenty kick flips. It's super good and you should play it on Steam if you got fifteen bucks lying around just taking up space.
> 
> Recent Homestuck update ruined me for about a day. *SPOILERS AHEAD KINDA* When I first started HS, I was a hundred percent JohnRose so when RoseKan started to become a thing, I was like: "NOOOOO!" but then I was like: "mmmmMMM?" and now I'm like "These two classy, sassy, bo-dassy ladies are probably the greatest thing ever. Of all time." Rose, proclaiming her love for Kanaya with her last breath, made salty, bitter tears wanna come out of my face and more than anything else, I just want this nightmare to be over.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	55. ACT 6 - PART 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to anonymous_and_anomalous for commenting a total of six times. Lol it's always cool to get new readers and watch them progress through this story. Somehow, if you're reading this, you've managed to make it through all the crap. 
> 
> Warning: Long chapter with lightening round POV changes.

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too. If anyone is liable to beat up a hundred or so murderous robots and get away scratch-free, it’s probably you.

You’re sort of a badass like that.

 However, until you can get to tossing down with some Robo Jerks, there’s stuff to be done.

“Alright, that’s enough.” You grab Dirk by the shoulder and pull him away from John. “We get it. They’ve found us. Now what?”

“Now what?” Dirk repeats, his lip raised in an almost sneer. “There’s nothing we _can_ do. We’re totally fucked beyond all belief.”

“We don’t know that!” Roxy argues, stepping forward. “Everyone is escaping into the tunnels as we speak. There’s still a chance we can get out of this alright.”

“You think the tunnels are going to save anyone?” Dirk snaps. “They’ve already found this base. They might as well have found the tunnels too. Everyone caught down there, and trust me, they _will_ be caught, is going to be killed.”

“They were always going to die anyway.” Everyone turns to find John, pressing a hand over his bleeding arm. Out of all the people in the room, John is the last person you’d expect to make a statement such as that. His eyes are firm as he speaks to Dirk. “The only thing this invasion is doing is making us work a little faster. We need to activate SBURB and get you all to the medium.”

Roxy, Dirk, and Jake all look at John with varying levels of apprehension. Is he truly suggesting that everyone taps out now? With one player short and a full-scale CrockerCorp invasion on the way?

“Our friends on the meteor are in trouble.” John continues. “We need to get back to them _now_.”

Everyone glances to each other, then back at John, and then to each other again. Dirk sighs, Roxy chews her lip, and Jake’s eyes are so wide, you could probably see his brain if you took a peek through his dilated pupils.

“Bring the disc in here.” Dirk commands pointing towards the main computer set into the wall. “Jake, you need to stay here and get playing. After you’ve got everything up and running, call for us. In the meantime, John, Dave, and I are going to buy you some time.”

“What about me?” Roxy asks.

“You stay here and help Jake.”

“But I can fight!”

“We know.” John interjects. “But Dirk’s right, leaving someone down here alone is dangerous. You need to watch Jake’s back when the CrockerBots show up.”

Roxy opens her mouth to argue, but thinks better of it and shuts her mouth with a sharp _snap_. Everyone is silent for a moment. Then you speak up:

“I guess we better get moving then, huh?”

John nods and leads the way from the control room and out into the hall. You, Dirk, and Roxy follow, leaving Jake to take a seat at the computer. Your group jogs down the hall and steps out into the common room, where a full scale riot is taking place.

Freedom Fighters are running everywhere, apparently now fully aware of the situation at hand. Some are taking their kids and dragging them towards the tunnels, throwing supplies into backpacks, or even loading rifles with a look of grim determination on their face.

“All these people.” Roxy breathes by your side. “I can’t believe they’re just going to… die.”

“Don’t think about it.” John assures her. “Let’s just focus on what we’ve got to do.”

However, Roxy doesn’t appear to have heard his words. Instead, she dashes forward and snatches something off the floor, a furry something with whiskers and a swishing tail.

“Frigglish! There you are.” Roxy cuddles the cat. “Shit. I’d almost forgotten about you.”

“Meow.” Says Frigglish.

As a dad brushes past, with his two children in tow, Roxy stops him.

“Excuse me, Sir. But do you think you could take my cat for me?”

“Huh?” He responds, already halfway gone.

“Here. I need you to watch my cat.” Roxy stoops and passes off the animal to the man’s daughter. “His name’s Frigglish and he’s super cool. He just can’t stay here with me, alright?”

The girl happily accepts the cat, while her father watches Roxy warily.

“Hey, you look familiar.” He muses. “You wouldn’t happen to have been related to Rose Lalonde, would you?”

“Just go.” Roxy shoos them away with her fingers. “Get into the tunnels. There isn’t much time.”

“Thanks for the cat, lady!” Calls the little girl as she’s tugged away.

“Yeah, sure…” Roxy looks a little sad to have given her life-long buddy away.

“You’ll see him again,” John says, patting her on the shoulder. “You’ll see _all_ of these people again.”

Roxy’s eyes go from watery to firm in a split-second.

“Not if we don’t get this game running. Come on.” And then she leads the way back to Dirk’s bedroom.

Once inside, she grabs the copy of SBURB from where she left it on the desk. After a final wave to her friends, she dashes away again to go deliver the invaluable parcel to Jake. You hope that the two of them can successfully play the game and open the portal to the medium. You remember your struggles with SBURB all too well.

Now that you think of it, leaving either John or you below ground to walk them through the process might not be a bad idea. Although, there’s no chance in hell that you’re sitting out of this fight and you doubt John would be up for it either, considering that his windy abilities are going to be hella useful in the upcoming battle.

“Now, these CrockerBots are probably going to be pretty much impossible to stop.” Dirk pulls a large trunk out from under his bed and opens it. Inside is the nastiest-looking rifle you’ve ever seen, bright red in color, and about as long as you are tall. “It’s called the CrockerCorp Appearifier Rifle and it’s supposed to do something fancy other than shoot bullets, but we haven’t figured it out yet. We stole this from a CrockerCorp laboratory about two years ago.”

“Do you think it can be used against the CrockerBots?” You ask.

“Maybe. It sure does look like it can do some damage, doesn’t it.” Dirk slings the rifle over his shoulder. “I’ll give you guys some cover fire from the shack, while you two do… whatever it is that you do.”

You exchange a look with John. He’s thinking what you’re thinking. If there was ever a time to kick ass, now would be it. If the CrockerBots are allowed to reach the underground base and prevent Jake and Roxy from starting up SBURB, then all is lost.

From above, you hear a thunderous _boom_ that causes the lights to flicker and dust to fall from the ceiling.

The CrockerBots are here.

* * *

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are now Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. It’s finally time to get the G.D. hell of this planet and become the galactic hero you were always meant to be. All you’ve got to do is play this video game!

Simple, right?

“Oh, for frig’s flipping sake.” Jake groans. “Look at this blasted loading screen! This is going to take all day!”

Indeed, that progress bar is moving at the same speed old people tend to fuck at. That is, extremely slowly, followed by long pauses of just quiet gasping.

Two things: Firstly, gross. And secondly, you seriously need to get _laid_.

“Move. Let me see.” You brush Jake out of the way and lean over the keyboard, typing furiously. You minimize the window that SBURB is running in and bring up the task manager, hoping to end some auxiliary processes to improve the computer’s speed. “Christ on a bike! They have like a hundred different applications running on this thing! No wonder!”

You begin ending tasks with reckless abandon. Above, through the earth and the concrete, you can hear shouts and booms and the tell-tale signs of some serious shit going down. You need to get this done ASAP!

“Right oh!” Jake exclaims when you return to the SBURB window and find it fully loaded. “Now we’re talking.”

Grinning to yourself, you tap the ‘start’ key and watch as the screen flashes many different colors before loading up the game world itself. A window pops up, displaying your current location as seen from above, along with a large taskbar full of various shit you can’t even begin to fathom the purpose of.

“That’s us.” You jab a finger into the screen, distorting the image momentarily with rainbow ripples. “Now what?”

“Let’s start playing.” Jake responds with a shrug and takes the mouse from your hand. He scrolls through all the options and together the pair of you read and absorb and try to learn.

Words like _cruxite_ and _dowel_ or _totem lathe_ and _Alchemiter_ enter your eyes but refuse to make connections within your brain. None of this stuff makes any sense! What kind of stupid game is this!?

Apparently at random, Jake clicks on a construct and drags it up to the Viewfinder window. With a small, yet audible _pop_ , something materializes in the actual world behind you. You turn to find that a strange-looking, yet totally badass machine is now blocking the doorway.

“Uh…” Jake looks between the machine and the computer. “That’s supposed to be the Totem Lathe. Er, I guess we need that.”

“You seem to be figuring this out pretty well on your own, maybe I should…” You’re interrupted by a loud _boom_ larger than any you’ve heard yet. The ground beneath your very feet rumbles and you grab Jake’s chair to stay upright.

Jake looks nervously up to the ceiling, biting his lip.

“I-if you want to go up and grapple with those drones, then that’s fine by me.” He stammers, pushing his glasses higher up his nose. “I think I can figure out how this gizmo works with just a little bit more time.”

You hesitate. Both John and Dirk ordered you to stay below ground and protect Jake. However, it seems like they could use some help upstairs and Jake’s a big boy, right? He can handle himself just fine!

“Here,” You snatch a pistol from where it was discarded on the floor and shove it into Jake’s lap. “Protect yourself. As soon as you get this game running the way it’s supposed to, signal us and we’ll come down.”

“I’ll do my best just… don’t die. Okay, Roxy?”

“You got it, Jakey.” You shoot him a wink before you dash towards the door.

You squeeze around the totem lathe and continue running towards the stairs. The main common room is completely deserted by now, with not a soul nor a useful scrap left to pillage. Not that you would take anything anyway. Every second or so you seem to forget that everything you’ve ever known is about to be destroyed in _hopefully_ a matter of minutes. Then you remember.

It doesn’t feel very good.

You reach the ladder and scamper up the rungs, shoving open the hatch hidden in the abandoned shack. Or, more accurately, what _used_ to be the abandoned shack. The little house is almost destroyed, along with a great deal of the beach itself.

CrockerBots are dropping out of the sky, one after the other, and Orderlings are arriving on the beach in boats. They jump onto the sand and start running forward, only to be blasted away with an incredibly powerful gust of wind.

You look up to see John whiz by overhead, with about five CrockerBots in pursuit. Dave is hacking up the Orderlings that survive John’s defensive cyclones and nearby, you can see Dirk, holding a sweet-ass rifle and blowing holes in anything he sets his sights on.

“Dirk!” You climb to the surface and sprint towards him.

“Roxy? Dammit, what the hell are you doing up here?” He demands, casting a glance at you before pressing his shades to the rifle’s scope once more.

“Jake’s playing the game right now, so we should be all set to go at any second. I came to see if you needed any help!”

“I think we…” Dirk trails off as a large shadow blots out the sun. Together, you both look up to see that the CrockerCarrier, in all of its horrifying glory, has arrived. “… I think we’re going to need all the help we can get.”

He shoves the extremely long rifle into your arms and you fumble for a second before grasping it properly. Dirk draws his sword.

“This thing works wonders against CrockerBots, although I’m not exactly sure what it’s supposed to do.” He starts jogging over to where Dave is battling about thirty Orderlings at once. “Do what you can and don’t get hurt!”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” You raise the rifle to your shoulder, look down the sights, and fire.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re in the middle of a veritable warzone!

And it totally sucks.

CrockerBots by the dozens are dropping out of the sky and laying waste to the beach with apparent, reckless abandon. You suppose that they’re trying to dig down towards the Freedom Fighter base, per orders of the Condense, but more than anything else they’re just making a huge mess.

Orderlings are also showing up on boats and running onto the beach to engage Dave and now Dirk in close quarters combat. Somewhere along the line, Roxy has made an appearance and is now using the CrockerCorp rifle to blast any CrockerBot that strays too close to her. You suppose since Dirk hasn’t yelled at her to go back below ground that he must be okay with this.

 Honestly, you’re a little torn about having Roxy up here on the front lines. She is obviously able to handle herself, no doubt about it. You just hope that she gets out of this in one piece. You hope that _everyone_ gets out of this in one piece.

The loud _rattatatat_ of machine guns draw your thoughts back to your own predicament. Namely the handful of CrockerBots that are currently flying on your tail, keeping pace with your every twist and turn and attempting to snag you with either their clawed arms or deadly bullets whenever they start to close distance.

You wish you had a gun or, better yet, an awesome hammer that could bash in robot heads with one swing. However, you have neither at the moment, just control of the wind and good intentions. Which, if you play your cards right, might just be enough.

Dropping from the sky, you land with a stumble on the sandy beach and begin to run towards the water. You hear the loud _thuds_ of CrockerBots creating small craters behind you, but you try to ignore them. Not an easy task when bullets are kicking up dirt at your heels, threatening to tear you in half.

Taking two more large steps, you leap into the air again and turn. All of the CrockerBots that have been flying previously have now joined you on the ground, in a perfect bowling pin formation as well. Spinning your arms like a windmill, sort of like the dance, but much more badass, you send a swirling ball of air and sand in their direction that knocks them off their robot feet and sends them flying onto their robot asses.

Without stopping to give yourself a high-five or any other sort of congratulatory celebration that you totally deserve, you flutter over to join the rest of your friends. You can already hear the metallic _clings_ and _clangs_ as the robots get to their feet.

“How are you holding up?” You ask, landing near Dave with a puff of sand. Around him, Dirk, and Roxy lie the bodies of numerous Orderlings, bloodied, battered, and completely obliterated.

“These Orderlings are chump bitches,” Dave answers and then points with his sword towards the sky. “It’s _that_ I’m worried about.”

You look up and for the first time notice that the CrockerCarrier is once again blotting out the sun with its massive bulk. The Condense has arrived once more.

“We can’t keep this up for much longer.” Dirk adds, turning to Roxy. “How much longer until Jake figures out the game?”

“I dunno. He seemed to be getting the handle on it when I left.” Roxy answers as she relieves several Orderlings of their ammunition and begins reloading her rifle. “Maybe we should go below ground. Surely we’ll have opened the portal before these CrockerJerks reach us, right?”

“It might take longer than we think for the portal to open.” You begin. “Let’s just hold out a little longer and give Jake some more…”

You’re cut off mid-sentence when the ground between your group suddenly explodes. A shockwave lifts you up and tosses you violently backwards to collide painfully with the sand again several yards away. Through blurry eyes, you look up the see the grinning face of the Condense as she descends from her CrockerCarrier like some twisted, black-suited angel of death.

“Sup.” She says, landing before you. In her hand, she clutches a gleaming, golden, double-sided trident. “I’ll be accepting your surrender now.”

“Accept this!” Dirk yells, running towards her with his sword raised.

The Condense sighs and simply backhands him again, knocking him away much like a normal person would swat a fly.

“Yes. Let’s all try that again, since it worked out _sooo_ well last time.” She sneers. One of her long, ringed fingers gets pointed at your chest. “You and I have unfinished business, Egbert.”

“What sort of business?” You demand, scrambling to your feet. “I mean, besides the obvious stuff with SBURB. How do you know my name? How do you know _anything_ about me?”

“Oh no.” The Condense hefts her trident, preparing a mighty toss. “You’re not going to get me monologuing again, not when there are fools to be impaled! HA!”

A second before she can launch her spear, a sword swishes through the air and knocks her weapon from her grasp. She wheels, eyes flaming and finds Dave Fucking Strider in her path.

“Yeah. That’s a thing that is most decidedly _not_ going to happen.” He smirks.

With a swipe, the Condense swings her arm and misses Dave’s head by inches. However, the sweep of her powerful appendage is enough to spur on another magical shockwave that knocks Dave away. You jump to your feet and fly towards her, catching her around the middle and dragging her down the length of the beach.

The Condense digs her nails into your arm and growls like a trapped animal. You feel hot, burning magic spread from her fingertips, but you grit your teeth through the pain and instead focus on finding the hardest thing to slam her against.

With a mighty _crash_ you plow through the remains of the abandoned shack and explode out the other side in a cloud of dust and splinters. The Condense is ripped away from you as the ground greets you once more with a hard slap.

“Do not touch me again!” The Condense shrieks, as she has clambered to her feet.

“Well, don’t hurt my friends!” You shout back.

“Oh, I’m going to do much more than that.” Her eyes smoke with black energy as she raises her fist to the sky. Her double-sided trident flies through the air and returns to her hand. “I’m going to _murder_ them all!”

You shield your eyes as electricity starts shooting all the fuck over the goddamn place. The Condense continues to scream, as the air around you literally starts to burn and warp with all the magical shit that’s taking place. Turning on the spot, you take to the skies once more, seeking out your friends.

“John!” Roxy cries as you touch down by her side. “What’s happening? What is she doing?”

“I dunno.” You huff. “But she’s pissed. We have to get below ground _now_.”

“Agreed. Where are Dirk and Dave?”

That’s a good question. You’d lost track of them when you’d attacked the Condense and now they’re nowhere in sight. There’s too much sand being kicked up and the air continues to contort and ripple around you, distorting your view greatly.

“Get to Jake!” You order and begin to run towards where you last saw your friends. “I’ll find Dave and Dirk.”

“Fuck that! I’m not leaving you here!”

“There’s too many CrockerBots and other bullshit going on! I can’t watch over you too!”

“You don’t have to! I can take care of myself just fine!”

At that moment, a loud boom rings through the air for about the billionth time. You turn back and watch in horror as the Condense, now a swirling mass of dark energy, begins to float towards you and Roxy.

“ _MURDER!_ ” The Empresses’ voice sings, deformed by her power. “ _MURDER!”_

“Fuck my ass that’s scary.” Roxy breathes. “Yeah. Come on, John. Let’s get the G.D. hell below ground.”

As Roxy turns and begins to head towards the base, _it_ happens.

Time seems to slow down, the air stills, and everything is silent. The Condense, blurred by power, reels her arms back and then hurls her double-sided trident with all of her might. You watch the dangerous weapon’s trajectory, as it sails thorough space and time to reach it’s mark.

You’re presently unaware of this, but years and years in the future, you’ll look back on this moment. You will rest your head in your hands and simply wonder, wonder and think about what you could have done differently to prevent what happens next.

 “Roxy, look out!”

You leap towards Roxy and shove her out of the way. The double-sided trident pierces your flesh, parts your third and fourth rib, and finally bursts from your back in a shower of red. You fall to the sand, a scream on your lips and a piece of solid steel wedged in your body

Everything is hazy now. Kind of like before, but with less… chaos.

Everything is sort of dreamy and peaceful.

There are two screams. One is high-pitched and shrill, filled with rage and disgust, while another is sad, like, _really_ fucking sad and pitiful.

People are shouting, things are exploding, there’s a flash of light, brighter than anything you’ve ever seen before.

 _“John?”_ Kanaya’s voice, almost forgotten, is the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard. _“John, can you hear me?”_

You open your mouth to respond, but all that comes out is this super gross gurgling sound. You try to look around and find Roxy or Dave or anyone that you wouldn’t mind looking at in your final moments, but you’ve gone blind.

 _“Don’t die.”_ Kanaya is saying. _“I can feel you starting to slip away. You must not allow yourself to die.”_

You want to tell Kanaya to shut up. After all the bullshit and the convolution, you think you deserve to go silently into that good night. Hell, when’s the last time you got _anything_ you deserved?

You didn’t get to say goodbye to your dad. You didn’t get to sock ‘ol Jack Noir in the jaw and take his magic ring. You didn’t get to save Vriska.

You didn’t even get to tell Rose how you really feel about her, which is sort of shitty, considering how many opportunities you had to spill the beans.

 _“I… Don’t know… He’s… Jade…”_ Kanaya sounds like a broken radio now. _“The portal… I don’t think… John? John. John!”_

This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. You’re the hero for god’s sake. You’re supposed to _win_.

You’re supposed to get the girl and save the day and make all the right choices. If films have taught you anything: it’s that those are the fucking rules. However, the exact opposite is happening right now and, for the life of you, you cannot understand _why_.

You don’t understand.

* * *

=> Be Dirk Strider

You are now Dirk Strider.

At the moment, you’re being back-handed by the Condense.

Her hand feels like a cinderblock and the force behind it feels like a speeding eighteen wheeler. You’re still seeing stars when John tackles the Condense and disappears from view.

“Shit. Get up, dude.” Dave’s fingers wrap around your bicep and try to pull you upright.

You push yourself up, twisting your head to spit out a glob of blood into the dirt.

“Where is she?” You ask, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

“Roxy ran after John.”

“Not her.” You cast about for you sword. “The _Condense_. Where is she?”

“Over there, I think.” Dave points and you follow his finger towards the collapsed shack, which used to lead towards your hidden base. Dave continues: “Will we be able to get back to Jake that way?”

“Doesn’t matter.” You find your sword half-buried in the sand and tug it free.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not leaving without _her_ head.”

You begin to stalk towards where the Condense and John are scuffling. Dave follows.

“That isn’t the plan, Dirk.” He says.

“Well, it’s the plan now.”

“We can’t risk fighting her. Our priority is to get back to the medium.”

“That’s _your_ priority.” You cast a glare at Dave, but he doesn’t shrink away. “I said I was coming with you and I will, after I’ve ran this bitch through with my sword.”

“Well, we’re going to have to get through _them_ first.” Dave nods his head towards the shore and you turn and see that the CrockerBots John previously incapacitated have returned.

“Damn.” You curse under your breath. “Come on.”

Turning, you sprint as quickly as you can towards the shack where the Condense and John are apparently duking it out. You say _‘apparently’_ because you aren’t exactly a hundred percent sure what’s going on up ahead.

Your vision seems to be blurring and rippling, undulating as if it’s being heated by some unseen fire. You can hear _her_ laughter and it only causes your blood to boil tenfold. For years you’ve been trying to kill this tyrannical Empress. This time, you’re not going to let her get away.

“Dirk.” Dave’s voice warns you that the CrockerBots are drawing nearer.

You’re not going to make it to the shack before the drones catch up with you. There’s a choice to make. Turn back and try to fight the CrockerBots or try ignoring them and keep pressing forward to see how far you can get. Before you can come to a decision though, your choice is made for you.

The harsh whistling of the diabolical machines fills your ears and you turn just in time to see the first CrockerBot bearing down on you. You raise your sword, preparing for the powerful first strike, but it never comes. The CrockerBot, followed by its fellow robots, sails over your head and continues towards the laser light show taking place up ahead.

“She’s calling them.” You explain to Dave, as you continue forward, quicker than before. “Something’s going down.”

“Well, yeah. No shit.”

There are screams from ahead. The Condense is shrieking commands at the top of her lungs like a madwoman.

“HE MUST NOT DIE!!!” She screeches. “GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!! TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM!”

The CrockerBots descend upon something that you can’t see and you hear more screams, this time Roxy.

“No! Get away from him!”

You and Dave sprint as quickly as you can, but arrive too late. One of the CrockerBots peels away from the rest and takes to the skies with a limp form in its robotic arms. The rest of the drones surround their mistress in a protective shield.

“Dirk!” Roxy staggers towards you. “They took him! He saved my life and they took him!”

“John?” Dave asks. You watch the blood drain from his face. “H-How? What the hell are you talking about?”

“H-He… Dave.” Roxy’s eyes are beginning to water. She turns to you. “Dirk, you have to do something!”

You watch the Condense as she hides behind her wall of red steel. She’s doing something that you can’t see, working some sort of magic. Roxy is right. You have to do something. You have to make a choice.

You have to be the hero.

“Come on.” You grab Roxy by the forearm and start to run.

She follows, along with Dave. You lead them past the Condense and her troops and straight to the ruins of the shack. The trapdoor is covered with debris but you kick it away, revealing the ladder leading down towards the base.

“What?” Roxy doesn’t understand. Not yet. “Why are we going down there? The Condense is over there, Dirk. She had her robots take John away!”

“Get down there.”

“Dirk!”

“Roxy!” You grip her arm tightly, enough to make her wince. “It’s over. We’ve lost this one. We have to get out of here.”

“John is still here!”

“John is dead.” It’s Dave. His mouth is a thin, unreadable line. Paired with his shades, he is completely expressionless. He might as well not even have a face.

“He’s died before! He told me!”

“Not like this.” Dave begins to gently push Roxy towards the hole. “Not as a hero.”

As Dave shepherds a still protestant Roxy underground. You look back towards where the Condense is working some sort of magic. Her remaining CrockerBots still shield her from view, so you only catch a glimpse of her flowing hair and the strange, curved horns.

Five seconds ago, you were going to kill her. Now, with John gone, there’s only one thing you can do.

You turn and climb down the ladder into the base. The common room is deserted, so are the hallways. You jog past your bedroom without looking. There’s nothing in there worth looking at presently.

Dave and Roxy are already in the computer room with Jake when you arrive. Dave is leaning over Jake’s shoulder and pointing at something on screen, whilst Roxy stands in the corner, wiping her eyes on her sleeve and casting glares at no one in particular.

“We need to leave.” You say, stepping up towards Jake.

“Just a mo’.” Jake types furiously on the keyboard. “I think I’ve almost got this figured out. It’s a whole friggin lot harder without a server player. How was the scuffle upstairs?”

“Disappointing.”

“Tough luck.” Jake takes a second to point towards something in the corner of the room. “Take a gander at that and tell me what you think.”

“It looks like a giant piece of fucking broccoli.” You stare at the tree, which you know for sure was _definitely_ not there before. It’s about head-height, entirely green, and appears to shimmer with an ethereal light. From one of it’s branches, hangs a little green doll from a noose.

Dave steps up and examines the doll curiously.

“What the hell are we supposed to do with this?” You ask him.

“Smash it.” He says. “Once Jake says we’re ready.”

Dave continues to stare at the doll.

“You recognize it?”

“It looks a little familiar, yeah.” He prods it with a finger and it swings lazily. “In our base on the meteor there used to be this mural on the wall with drawings like this. It was destroyed when our base was attacked by an evil alien wizard possessed by eldritch monsters and his cat girlfriend.”

You’re done trying to understand anything this guy talks about.

“Alright, guys! I think we’re ready to go.” Jake presses a final key and stands from his chair. “Hey, where’s John?”

Before you can answer, the entire roof rumbles and then flies upwards, opening up the entire room to the sky. A harsh howling sound fills your ears and you look up to see The Condense and her army of robots standing above you.

“Peek A Boo!!!” She cackles, holding her hands aloft and levitating the giant slab of earth. “I SEE YOU!”

You twist, draw your sword, and slice the doll which hangs from the tree in half. The Condense’s eyes widen comically and you probably would have smirked with mirth if anything about this situation was actually funny.

“NOOOOOOO!!!” The Condense shrikes and brings her hands down, dropping the roof again in hopes of crushing everything in the room.

It’s too late. White light blots out everything else and there is strange magnetic pull, tugging you towards where the green tree used to be. In its place, is a gaping hole in space itself, a portal to an alternate dimension.

You don’t fight. You simply allow yourself to get sucked into the abyss along with Roxy, Jake, and Dave, leaving the Condense behind along with everything else.

For a moment, everything is black and then…

You open your eyes.

“Well, shit.” A voice speaks. You twist your neck and look up from you position on the ground to see a pretty girl, with round glasses, long, dark hair, and… a pair of dog ears atop her head? She smiles. “It’s about damn time.”

* * *

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are once again Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. You’ve escaped the Condense before the destruction of your world and entered the medium. You are now officially: a galactic savior.

But at what cost?

John sacrificed himself to save your dumb life and then _you_ left his body behind to be collected by the Condense. They’re probably going to pick his brain apart and treat him like some sort of science experiment. How could Dave and Dirk just accept that? How could you let that happen?

Ugh. You just wanna curl up in a ball and forget about it all.

You need a drink.

“Well, shit.” Says a girl’s voice. “It’s about damn time.”

You open your eyes and see a blanket of stars up above. You’re lying flat on your back on a smooth, cold surface. Sitting up with a low groan, you see Dirk, Jake, and Dave are also lying nearby and beginning to stir.

“Hey!”

You twist your neck and find yourself face to face with a grinning girl.

“Hey.” You put a hand up to your head and wince when your fingers brush against a sore bump.

“I’m Jade.” Continues the girl. “You must be Roxy!”

“Yeah…” You cast a glance around your surroundings and stifle a startled gasp. Three… _aliens_ are sitting not five yards away, one of them is cradling another in a pool of blood and the third is simply sitting cross-legged and staring with horror at the empty space in front of her.

“This is probably really confusing, but we don’t have much time to explain.” The girl, name Jade, climbs to her feet with a low moan and stretches luxuriously. “Shit. It feels _soooo_ good to stand up.”

“And it looks _soooo_ good to see you again.” Dave has climbed to his feet as well. “How’s it going, babe.”

You watch Jade and Dave embrace, locking lips and passionately reuniting in a fiercely possessive display of affection. It’s a little uncomfortable to watch, especially when Jade starts growling like some kind of animal.

Hold on a fucking second… Is she wearing a pair of dog ears?!?

“Roxy, you alright?” Dirk drops by your side and rests his hand on your shoulder.

“Oh, you know me. I’m perfectly okay with all of this bullshit. Totes not freaking out internally right now.” You shrug off his hand and climb to your feet. On the ground, next to a still-dazed Jake, you spot your CrockerCorp rifle and scoop it up.

“I smell human meat! Hehe.” Cackles one of the trolls. “Mmmmmm. It’s so good to have some new blood around here.”

You and Dirk exchange a glance. You are most _definitely_ not in Kansas anymore.

As Dirk goes to help Jake to his feet, Dave and Jade finally separate. They’re both a little red-faced and out of breath, Jade more so.

“Hey.” She gasps, looking around the circle. “Where’s John?”

Everyone is silent. Dave looks at his shoes , Dirk busies himself with making sure Jake’s jacket is dust-free, and you just swallow around the lump in your throat. These are John’s friends and no matter how much you don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, you do feel somewhat responsible for his death.

However, before you can open his mouth, another one of the aliens, you guess _trolls_ , speaks up.

“I lost him.” It says quietly. She’s the one still sitting on the ground and staring forward. Her skin is a dull grey, there are two horns atop her head, two little fangs poke out from under her upper lip, and she’s fashionably dressed in a flowing red skirt.

“What?” Jade steps away from Dave. “What are you talking about?”

“I lost him.” The troll repeats. Her voice sounds unreal, like a musical instrument or something. “Our connection was severed. I- I think he died…”

“Well, where is he then!?” Jade points to the empty space in front of the troll. “Where did he go?”

“He’s back in the other dimension.” Dave mutters. “We had to leave his body behind. Jade, I’m…”

“How did he die?!” Jade snaps. “I thought you were going to look out for him! He _told_ me that he wasn’t going to die again. He couldn’t have! Doc Scratch…”

“Was a crazy puppet who didn’t know what he was talking about.” Dave takes Jade by the arm. “You need to calm down and _listen_. John’s death was _heroic_.”

Jade looks at Dave with wide eyes. You don’t know what the type of death has to do with anything, but obviously these words mean something to everyone else.

“He saved me.” You speak up. All eyes swivel to you. “He shoved me out of the way and was shish kebabed The Condense.”

There’s a throaty, rasping cough and you look to see that the troll who’s missing his leg is beginning to laugh. He smiles, showing pointed teeth and wheezes with laughter.

“Typical.” He gasps. “Fucking leave it to Egderp to be _that_ guy. Idiot.”

“I don’t know who you are.” Dirk steps forward. “But John wasn’t an idiot. He was brave.”

“Sure, he was brave as could be, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t stupid.” The troll counters weakly. “No self-preservation skills. It’s a wonder…”

His eyes roll into the back of his head and he passes out again. Everyone watches his limp form for a moment.

“Er, what the hell happened to Karkat’s leg?” Dave asks.

“Jack Noir.” Answers Jade. “Oh, shit! He’s probably out there fighting Rose and Equius right now! Come on!”

And then Jade starts to run, out of the silver circle and towards the lip of the massive crater you’re currently standing at the bottom of. Dave instantly follows her. You look to Dirk, who simply shrugs in response, before leading you and Jake after them as well.

“Uh, alright then!” One of the trolls, the one wearing the red shades, calls after you. “We’ll just wait down here.”

From the top of the crater, you can see an intense laser-light show taking place in the distance. It’s like a Van Halen concert, expect way less fun.

 Dave curses under his breath and draws his sword.

“Stay back with Karkat, Jade.” He orders.

“Fuck that! I’m going to fight!”

“You just spent the last two days sitting on your ass. You’re too tired to fight.”

“The fact that I have been sitting on my ass for two days is only more of a reason to kick some Jack Noir tail!” Jade snaps her fingers and in a flash of green, an awesome-looking rifle falls into her hands. “Let’s do this!”

Dave opens his mouth to argue, but Jade is already running off again. A large column of light erupts into the night sky and silhouetted in its light, you can see an enormous bird-like creature. Even from this distance, Jack Noir sends a chill up your spine.

“So this is Jack Noir,” Jake addresses Jade. “He’s supposed to be the big bad, right? The most dastardly devil to top all other devils?”

Jade’s pretty focused on reaching the battle as quickly as possible, but she affords Jake a quick glance over her shoulder.

“He is most definitely the most dastardly devil.” She says, and then wrinkles her eyebrows. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

“I can’t imagine that you would, seeing as I’ve lived on a secluded island my whole life.”

“Hey! Me too!”

John’s words from earlier come back to mind. He claimed to have known Jake’s grandmother and by examining Jade’s emerald eyes and her gung-ho demeanor, you feel safe in deducing her identity.

Haha. Look at you piecing all the puzzle pieces together. You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes, RoLal!

There will be time for explanations and inter-dimensional family reunions later. Right now you’re cresting a ridge and coming face to face with one of the most terrifying and bizarre scenes you’ve ever witnessed. This is saying a lot, considering that you’ve seen _A Serbian Film_ before.

Just once. Not even _you_ can handle sitting through that movie more than once.

Down below, first off, are the ruins of a black temple. The temple’s roof has a huge hole in it and large craters pepper the walls, giving the entire structure the appearance of swiss cheese, _moldy_ black, swiss cheese.

Outside, engaging the winged Jack Noir in battle, are a robot, another troll, and a human girl.

You watch in awe, as the girl twirls a pair of wands in her hands through a complicated pattern and launches a wave of magical energy towards her foe. _This_ has got to be Rose Lalonde.

It’s your mother.

And she is _badass_!

“Rose!” Dave calls. “Sup, Sis! We’ve come to help!”

“Where’s Equius?” Jade asks. “Also, where the fuck did you get that robot?!”

“I’m AradiaBot.” Beeps the cyborg. “It’s nice to meet you!”

“Less talking! More fighting!” Your mother spits, ducking under a swipe from Jack Noir and countering with a quick spell.

“Oh, right. Sorry!” Jade raises her rifle and begins firing with laser-like precision at Jack Noir, who quickly dodges out of the way.

Dave and Dirk leap down to join the fray, swords flashing, and Jake pulls out his pistol, taking aim next to Jade.

You finger your extra-long rifle a little nervously. You haven’t really fired a gun until extremely recently and although you’ve managed well enough, you aren’t a hundred percent confident in your marksman abilities. Plus, Jack Noir is moving waaaay to fast to get a good sight on.

He flies behind Dave and kicks him to the ground, dodges a laser blast from the troll girl, who wields her own pair of wands, blocks a barrage of bullets from Jake, and makes a bee-line right for your mother. Rose fires a spell, but misses and gets bowled over by the villain’s powerful black wings.

He stands over her, sword raised.

Without thinking, you raise your rifle, fit the stock against your shoulder, and fire. The kickback is brutal but you lean into the gun, keeping it under control. The bullet flies through the air and burns a hole through Jack Noir’s sword arm, causing his hand to spasm and his sword to fall from his grasp. The dark blade buries itself into the ground an inch from your mother’s head and you breathe a sigh of relief.

“Brilliant shot, Roxy!” Jake cheers.

Jack Noir turns on the spot and sets his evil gaze upon you, a bad mistake on his part, as your mother lunges upwards firing a spell directly into his chest and sending him flying off of her. He lands in the dirt and instantly, everyone jumps upon him, kicking, punching, and even biting at every part of him they can reach.

You, Jade, and Jake rush down the hill and join the dog pile. You grab one of his flailing wings and try to hold it down as the monstrosity struggles wildly. Jack Noir growls and bares his horrible wolf fangs, trying to break free. But it’s no use. Your group has overwhelmed him by numbers.

“The ring!” Your mother shouts. “The ring on his finger!”

You catch a glint of gold as Jack Noir’s fist flails about an inch from your face. Dave tries to grab it, but gets a slap on the cheek for his troubles. You can almost reach it. If only it would hold still!

“Remember my sacrifice, friends.” Beeps AradiaBot. “Although we’ve only _really_ known each other for a short while, I feel a special connection to each of you. Well, most of you.”

“What?” Jade barks, as she struggles to pin one of Jack Noir’s legs. “I don’t even know what you are!”

AradiaBot doesn’t answer, unless you count throwing yourself onto Jack Noir’s floundering arm an answer. His powerful, dark fist punches upwards through AradiaBot’s chest and protrudes out her back, instantly forcing the droid to go still.

The robot’s plan works, with Jack Noir’s arm movements now inhibited, you’re able to crawl upwards and seize his wrist with one hand, whilst you wrestle the ring from his finger with the other. With a mighty tug, you pull the jewelry from his grasp.

There’s a flash of light, a pitiful howl, and then everything goes still. You look down to see that Jack Noir’s wolfish face and wings have disappeared, leaving a little, dark-skinned man in his place. By dark-skinned, you don’t mean a black guy. He’s legitimately black, like, his skin is the color of oil.

It’s super weird.

Everyone piles off of him and look collectively at the strange creature now rolling around on the ground with his arm still half-embedded in AradiaBot’s smoking torso.

“He looks like one of the Midnight Crew.” Mutters Jade.

“Who?” Dirk asks.

“It’s a long story.”

Your mother steps up to Jack Noir and raises her wands. Jack Noir is helpless under her fiery gaze, but tires to escape anyways, feebly trying to free himself. A wand is raised, a spell is formed on black lips, but before a killing blow can be dealt, a high-pitched whine fills the air.

Rose freezes comically with one of her wands raised, all eyes shift down to AradiaBot’s pierced torso were a red light is suddenly blinking on her chest.

“Shit!” Dirk yells, and then rushes forward, tackling Rose off her feet a split-second before the cyborg’s remains exploded.

You shield your eyes and turn away from the explosion. A few tiny of pieces of shrapnel bounce off your arms and back, but other than that you come away unscathed. When you look back, Jack Noir is gone with only the smoking head of AradiaBot and a severed arm in his place.

“Where is he!?” Jade shrieks, rushing towards the explosion. “Where’d that fucker go!?”

You spot a trail of blood leading towards the temple.

“There!” You point. “A blood trail. He must have gnawed his arm off like a trapped coyote.”

“Or the explosion blew it off.” Offers Jake.

“Oh, yeah. Maybe.”

Dave, Jade, the troll girl, and Jake rush into the temple in pursuit of the wounded Jack Noir, leaving you, Dirk, and your mother outside.

Rose shoves Dirk off of her and climbs to her feet, dusting off her really cool and stylish, orange robes.

“Thank you for saving me,” She says, looking to Dirk. “You must be the second Strider, or first, depending on how you look at things. I’m Rose.”

“Sup.” Dirk nods.

Then Rose turns to you and your heart stops.

“H-Hi.” You stammer, thinking that’s as good a place as any to start.

“Hello.” Rose’s eyes rove over your body, only adding to your apprehension. She looks so… cold. Rose is a splitting image of your mother, short in stature, sharp cheek bones, laser-like violet eyes. You feel naked under her gaze (and not in the good way). “You must be, Roxy.”

“That’s my name, Darling. Don’t wear it out.” You give a mock curtsey and a nervous laugh. “It’s… awesome to finally meet you.”

“I would have certainly preferred to have different circumstances.” Rose gestures back to the severed arm and the smoking head. “You must be confused by a lot of this.”

“Well, yeah. I’m not going to lie, most of this seems G.D. ridiculous. Although, John did do a good job of explaining most of this.”

“Yes. He is quite a good storyteller, no doubt. Where is he, by the way?” Rose peeks around your shoulder, as if to find the goofy, windy boy hiding behind you. “I can’t say I’m not a little insulted that he didn’t come to help us battle our greatest foe. Is he back at the circle with Kanaya?”

You lick your lips, suddenly finding them to be very dry. Dirk is extremely unhelpful when you cast him an anxious glance, simply shrugging and turning to examine the temple.

“Rose… I- I don’t know how to say this, but…” You’re cut off by a soft beep.

“R- Rose?” Whines a metallic voice. Everyone looks towards the severed head of AradiaBot. “Rose are you there?”

“Yes, AradiaBot. I’m here.” Rose kneels and gently rotates the head so that it’s facing upwards.

“I can feel it.” AradiaBot continues. “I am dying.”

“Not very surprising when you take into consideration your recent actions.” A small smile twists Rose’s lips. “You were very brave _and_ selfless.”

“I’m afraid, Rose.” AradiaBot’s eyes begin to dim. “Will I dream...? Daisy… Daisy… Da….”

With a final _beep_ , AradiaBot passes away.  You mourn her passing for about two seconds.

You really didn’t know her very well, even though she _was_ a totally sweet and badass robot. She saved you from spilling the rather depressing beans about John’s death to Rose too, so you owe that robo-babe a big solid.

Dirk kneels and examines the head.

“Yeah, I can fix her.” He says.

“Really?” Rose asks.

“Yup.” He rolls the head onto his toe and then kicks it up into his hands. You know, like a cool soccer player or something. “Slap a new body on this thing, preserve the data chip, replace the arc reactor. Hell yeah. Give me a socket wrench and a few rubber bands and I’ll have this baby as good as new.”

“She isn’t a _thing_. He name is AradiaBot and she… Well, she might be an old friend. I don’t really know for sure.” Rose has just gotten to her feet once more when the rest of your group returns from the temple empty-handed.

“He’s gone.” Dave growls angrily, swishing his sword. “We tracked him all the way to the Alchemiter, but then the blood just disappears.”

“If you ask me, he alchemized something and escaped, that slippery bastard.” Jade snarls, flashing a rather sharp set of incisors. “Dammit! This fucking sucks! I really thought we were about to get rid of him for good!”

“Whether or not his head rests on spike, today is indeed a victory for us.” Rose turns to you with a smile. “Isn’t that right?”

All eyes turn to you now and you slowly follow their gaze down to your closed fist. Opening your hand for all to see, you display the small, golden ring upon your palm.

“Oh my golden rings.” Jade breathes. “We got it.”

“What do you mean ‘ _we’?_ ” You joke, tossing the ring up and catching it again. “I dunno about you guys, but _I’m_ totally keeping this ring to propose to my future lover.”

Everyone laughs, well, everyone except for Rose, Dave, Jade, and that troll girl. Also, Dirk doesn’t laugh at anything. So… just Jake then.

Sheesh. Tough crowd.

Rose extends her hand and you wordlessly pass the ring on to her. Apparently this is no joking matter.

“Jade, would you be so kind as to find a safe place to stow this trinket?” Rose gingerly hands it to Jade, who takes it even more cautiously.

As Jade scampers into the temple, Rose continues to address the group.

“These medical supplies need to be taken to Karkat.” She pats a satchel on her hip. “As I’m sure you’ve seen, he sustained quite an injury at the hand of Jack Noir prior to your arrival.”

“I’ll deliver the parcel.” Jake valiantly steals the bag. “Karkat’s the bloke with the stump, right?”

“… Yes.”

“Right Oh!” Jake leaves as well.

“Er, forgive me.” Rose scratches her forehead and then adjusts her sweet headband. “I’m gradually coming to terms with these new faces. It’s strange to see different people after so long.”

“Tell me about it. You would have lost your shit if you saw all the people at Rainbow Falls.” Dave says with a smirk.

“No doubt.” Rose smiles back at him. “It’s good to see you in one piece, Dave.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I know.” He tosses an arm around her shoulder. “Don’t get all mushy, sis. I don’t think my cool dude factor can handle any more sentimental bullshit.”

“No. I doubt it can’t.” Rose motions for everyone to follow and begins to lead the way away from the temple. “Before you arrived, Jack Noir had trapped us in the inter-dimensional circle. Equius served as a distraction as I returned to the temple for Damara.”

“Have you seen him since?”

“No.” Rose’s face is grim. You don’t have to be some kind of genius to guess that this Equius is probably super dead. “We should search the nearby hills for… for him.”

“Yeah. No problem.”

“I might be a good idea to recruit John for this task, as his windy abilities might give him better vantage point.” Rose looks expectantly at Dave, but when he simply kicks at the ground, she continues. “Dave? Did you hear me?”

“Yeah. I heard you.” Dave sighs and comes to a stop, bringing the rest of the group to a halt as well. You stand awkwardly between Dirk and the troll, whose name you guess is Damara, feeling as if you’re intruding upon something. “Rose, I need to tell you something.”

Rose folds her arms.

“Yes?”

“John… He- Uh, sort of.” Dave rubs at his eyes under his shades, as if he’s suddenly exhausted. He probably is. “John was killed by the Condense. He died.”

You wait.

You wait for Rose to start crying, or screaming, or calling Dave a liar, or any number of _normal_ reactions that would be justifiable, having heard that one of your closest, oldest friends and possible romantic interest had been killed in battle. However, Rose merely opens her mouth and utters the quietest, tiniest _“Oh”_ that you’ve ever heard in your entire life.

“We had to get out of there.” Dave continues quickly. “The Condense was working some wacky magic bullshit. I’m talking sorcerer supreme, Stephen Strange shit. We were one _new_ player short and John-less, but we had to escape to the medium before we were killed.”

“So let me get this straight.” Rose’s voice sounds like a rubber band that’s been stretched too tight. “You went to that dimension, in the hopes of recruiting four new players to our cause, but returned with only three and left one of ours in return?”

Dave hesitates.

“Yeah. That pretty much sums it up.”

“I see.” Rose nods curtly and turns on her heel. “Excuse me momentarily. I need to… something.”

And then she strides away across the grey rocks, not heading towards the temple ruins or the silver ring, but in no direction in particular.

“Is she going to be okay?” Dirk asks.

“One day.” Dave rests his blade on his shoulder. “I’ll talk to her later. Right now though, she probably just needs space. Come on. Let’s keep looking for Equius.”

* * *

=> Be Meenah Peixes.

You are now Meenah Peixes. AKA: The Condense, Her Imperious Condescension, The Batterwitch, Supreme ruler of everything.

Whatever floats your boat really.

However, at the moment, you aren’t so much concerned with nonsense like that. Instead your thoughts are directed towards a closed door and the oppressing silence from within. You pace up and down the corridor, worriedly fidgeting like an expectant troll in the waiting room, whilst their Matesprit attempts to shit out a wriggler in the other room.

Will your baby live? Will it die? How long is this process going to take?

It’s maddening, not knowing for sure what is going on in there. On top of everything that has happened today, this waiting game is the _last_ thing you need.

Your copy of SBURB was stolen, those dratted kids escaped into the medium, John Egbert is in critical condition. What’s next?! Are you going to catch a cold?! Will the batteries die in the television remote next time you try to use it?!

Why is the universe so cruel to good, honest, tubular people like yourself?!

You reach the end of the hall and turn, facing the opposite wall again and beginning to walk once more. As you do, you take a mental inventory and plot your next course of action.

The kids have escaped into the game, sure, but the portal to the medium is still open. You have stationed CrockerBots all over that ruined beach, guarding the portal and preventing any hobo or group of good -for-nothing teenager from wandering too close.

If you were so inclined, you could head through the portal yourself, become the SBURB Alpha’s forth player, fulfill the obligations of the game, and then kill everyone you see on the other side. That sounds nice at first, but then what? Are you going to beat the whole game by yourself?

Fuck no. Not with Lord English buzzing around in the time-stream and doing gog knows what. You’re not about to get in _his_ way.

This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. _This_ was not supposed to happen.

You reach the opposite end of the hall and turn again, repeating the circuit.

You have to plan ahead. You need to get to work on a second copy of SBURB, you need to start training players for the quest, you need TO MAKE SURE JOHN EGBERT DOES NOT FUCKING DIE!!!

When you pass by the door again, it suddenly opens with a soft _creak_. Out steps Kyle the Orderling, wearing a bloody surgeon’s uniform and surgical mask.

“Kyle.” You smile at your subordinate when you see him.  You like Kyle. He’s a really solid dude who always gets the job done and remembers _everyone’s_ birthday. “Tell me some good news.”

“Well,” Kyle pulls off his mask and stows it in a nearby waste basket. “According to the CrockerCorp med-monitors, you managed to turn a good portion of his sternum to dust, shatter four of his ribs, puncture _both_ his lungs, and sever his superior vena cava.”

“Yes. Yes. Annnnnnd????”

“And…” Kyle sighs and looks towards his shoes. Your heart drops. Then, he looks up and cheers: “And I think he’s going to be just fine!”

 “Damn, Kyle.” You wipe sweat off your brow. “You are _the_ man!”

“I actually didn’t have anything to do with it!” Kyle continues. “I have no medical training at all, so when I cut him open, he instantly bled to death and died! But check this out, after like two minutes, he came back to life and was perfectly healthy!”

“Are you joshin me right now? He died?!? But he shouldn’t have come back! That was heroic as shit back there!” You wrack your brains. It doesn’t seem possible. A heroic death _is_ a heroic death. John wouldn’t have come back… unless. “Kyle, you said that he died _after_ you tried to operate?”

“Yup. He was barely clinging on when you brought him in. I did my best ma’am, but like I said, I have no formal training with surgery at all! In fact, I’m curious as to why I was assigned this job in the first place!”

“Because, Kyle.” You grab him by the shoulders. “You’ve somehow managed to save the day, yet again. By accidently killing him, you actually _saved_ him from a heroic death. Amazing. Go home, Kyle. You’ve earned the rest of the month off.”

“Awesome!”

As Kyle leaves, you shove open the operation room doors and step inside. John is lying on a bed, clothed in a sheet and being fed a powerful sedative. You smile down at him.

“Orderlings.” You bark at the soldiers standing at attention in the corner. “Have our guest here moved down to the screamer pits.”

The screamer pits. The most secure prison in the entire empire, called as such because it was rumored that if you listened closely in the dead of night, you can hear the never-ending cries for freedom from those who trapped there. Only the most dangerous and strange prisoners are kept there. Unfortunately for John, he fits the bill on both counts.

“Oh, how the tables have turned.” You grin, watching as John’s bed is wheeled from the room and out of sight.

**END OF ACT SIX.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 300,000 words... Why? Why are you here? Why are you still reading this?! Go away!!!  
> In all seriousness :) thanks for everything, guys. 50+ comments and 100+ kudos make me feel all warm inside. I wouldn't be writing this crap if it weren't for you. So, I guess this is all your fault? Anyways, thanks. 
> 
> Here ends Acts Six. As of now, this story will progress as follows:  
> ACT 6 - complete  
> INTERMISSION 2  
> ACT 7  
> ACT 8  
> EPILOGUE (maybe?)
> 
> The end is in sight, almost. Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	56. INT 2 - PART 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to terminalViscosity, Grammar Naxis (I guess), and OBVOS for commenting.

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are Jane Crocker. Dream a little dream of me.

You’re awoken by the sound of your alarm clock. It beeps with the usual jingle and whines to life with the customary, squawking voice of the one and only _Andy Sunshine_ , Rainbow Fall’s most famous and desirable early-morning radio talk show host.

 _“Gooooood morning, Rainbow Falls!”_ Andy cheers as you bury your face in your pillow and try to ignore him. _“It’s currently a comfy sixty-nine degrees outside and our chances of rain are about as low as the chance our fair Empress has of being any less beautiful, as in absolutely zero! The Condense is drop dead gorgeous! Buy your Empress inspired make-up kits today! Wherever fine cosmetics are sold!”_

You could mouth along with the words if you were so inclined. You’ve heard Andy give this spiel more times than you can count.

_“Big news today. Our weekly celebration in honor of Her Imperious Condescension’s fair and just rule has been postponed due to unforeseen complications! Don’t worry folks! That just means we get to double up on the fun next week!”_

The weekly celebration is canceled? Shit. That means you baked three dozen Condense- inspired cupcakes for absolutely nothing! Now what are you going to do with those stupid confectionary masterpieces? The market for Condense-themed goodies is so oversaturated it’s not like you can sell them. The only time they’re worth anything is during the weekly celebration!

“Ugh.” You pull the sheet over your head as Andy continues:

_“If anybody out there claims to have witnessed strange occurrences near the bay yesterday, ignore it completely! Our royal Empress was simply conducting a training exercise with her loyal CrockerBots that was completely under control and wrought no consequences whatsoever! That being said, the ten mile stretch of beach from the East Bridge all the way to Interstate 41 is entirely off limits! Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong, you hear?!”_

Like you would have time to visit the beach anyways. With the weekly celebration canceled, everyone who would be celebrating is going to have to report to work. Meaning, instead of partying with the entire city, you’re going to have to go into the office.

On the _weekend_. In the _morning_. _All day long_.

Being young, living at home, and having a job is hard and no one understands.

As Andy starts to yap about something else, celebrity gossip or other nonsense, you reach over and silence him with a weak _slap_. Miraculously, the morning sun, which is over ninety-two billion miles away, has managed to fire a ray of light directly to earth and through the blinds of your window, into your face.

You squint under it’s harsh gaze and fumble for your glasses on the nightstand. This day isn’t going to start itself, after all.

Once you’ve made yourself decent, you descend the stairs of your home to find that your father has already absconded to work for the day. You find his note on the fridge.

_“Due to the weekly celebration being canceled, I’ve been assigned to clean-up duty on the bay. Apparently there was some sort of ‘well contained’ training exercise that needs attention. It’s all hush-hush, so you’ll be getting no details from me! Although, I’ll be greatly surprised if you make it home from the office without one rumor or another._

_I’ll see you tonight._

_Love,_

_Dad.”_

Ugh. It only makes sense that _he’d_ be tasked with cleaning up another one of _her_ messes. You don’t get what the fuss is about this particular ‘ _mess_ ’. The Condense is notorious for leveling whole city blocks just for hearing a rumor that a Freedom Fighter might be hiding out there, sometimes, even just for fun.

What makes this one so special? Because it’s on the bay? As if. That body of water is so disgusting and tainted, you’re likely to see a dead cat or barrel of toxic wasting floating on the waves most any day. So it isn’t an environmental concern.

Frankly, it isn’t even _your_ concern. As long as your father makes it home in one piece, then who cares what the Condense does in her free time. As the Empresses great-grandaughter you’ve been staying out of that royal bitch’s warpath for ages.

 _You_ have much bigger things to worry about than whatever went down on the beach yesterday.

Swiping one of your now pointless cupcakes from the counter, you step outside into the bustling city streets and being the trek towards the office. Cakes, even in cup form, aren’t very nutritious or filling, but you’re much too disgruntled by the sudden change in your daily schedule to care about your self-imposed diet.

You make a mental checklist of your work day as you walk, nibbling your cupcake and wondering if there’s a chance you might be able to skip out after lunch.  Maybe you could hit the gym? Considering your ties with some of the higher-ups, that might just be a serious possibility.

The CrockerTower looms powerfully overhead as you step under it’s shadow. Honestly, you despise working in this gaudy building. Sure, the elevators are fast and the vending machines are always well stocked, but you just can’t help but feel like a tiny ant in an enormous ant farm. You aren’t about to voice your anxiety though, not when you’re earning a sizable and receiving benefits good enough to make even the most trivial of tasks worthwhile.

Years ago, before you were born, your father had opted to live out among the populace and not sit next to the Condense as some bratty prince. He’s always valued hard-work and self-improvement. You intend to follow in his footsteps.

Crossing the large lobby to the private elevators, you fish your ID badge out of your purse. After swiping the badge over the scanner, the doors open.

“Good morning, Miss Crocker.” Smiles the elevator operator. “Would you like a macchiato on the ride up? Shall I get the caramel drizzler?”

“No thank you. Please, just take me up.” You respond, stepping inside.

Yeah, being a heiress has it’s perks, but the facts don’t change: you’re just as much a slave to the Condense as anyone else.

Well… maybe that’s an exaggeration, considering that your great-grandmother/the Condense actually _has_ slaves, rebels that have been caught conspiring against her. The slaves are forced to work in a mine on the outskirts of the city, mining ‘rave rubies’, which are just gross rocks that smell awful and have absolutely no value whatsoever. It’s easily the most pointless and shitty job imaginable, so you try not to think about it much.

Life is just so much easier when you turn a blind eye.

The elevator doors open after you reach your floor and you step outside.

“Good morning.” You wave hello to the mail man as you pass him.

He just nods, bows his head, and pushes his mail cart a little bit faster to get away from you. This sort of treatment isn’t novel. As an heiress to the most powerful empress ever, most people are afraid to so much as breath too loud around you; for fear that you’d get upset and have them beheaded or something.

Sighing, you shuffle the rest of the way to your office and lock the door behind you. Despite your qualms about working in this building, it’s better than living with the Condense in her swanky penthouse like a spoiled princess. Down here, among the people, you have a semi-normal life. You get to have problems and anxieties, friends (kinda) and a social life (not really), but above all, you don’t have to look at _her_ twenty-four seven.

Only, like, five seven. Maybe ten seven if it’s a really bad week.

Whilst looking over some paperwork, all boring statistics about how great the stock market is and how wonderfully all CrockerTech is selling, you find an important looking expense report detailing a large purchase by a CrockerCorp employee. More importantly, you notice that the report has yet to be signed and imprinted by the boss woman.

“Dammit.” You growl, flipping the report over and over as if the signature might be hiding somewhere.

Without the Condense’s go ahead on this expense, someone, other than you, is probably going to be in trouble. You should probably make sure that doesn’t happen and get this piece of shit signed.

Grumbling under your breath, you get up from your desk and make a head towards the elevators. Another quick ride and a refused macchiato later, you find yourself standing outside of Her Imperious Condescension’s personal office. Outside, by the enormous doors, is a little desk where the receptionist sits.

“Is she in?” You ask, nodding towards the door and clutching your report.

“No, Miss Crocker.” The receptionist answers quickly. “The Empress has some urgent business to attend to elsewhere. She probably won’t be back until tomorrow.”

“Drats. I really need to get this signed.”

The receptionist chews his lip.

“I’m… sorry?”

“Do you know what she’s doing?”

“She didn’t say.”

“Well, do you know where she is?”

“Yes.”

“… Could you tell me?”

“…. Yes?” The receptionist is clearly uncomfortable, torn between keeping the heiress happy and the empress happy at the same time.

You roll your eyes towards the heavens.

“Can you _please_ tell me?”

“I don’t know?”

“Fuh.” You sigh. “Listen. You can tell me _‘no’_ if you want to. It’s just that I completely overlooked this expense report and if it doesn’t get signed by today, The Empress probably won’t be too happy and I’d _really_ like to avoid that.”

At the words _‘probably won’t be too happy’_ , the receptionist’s eyes widen.

“I- I don’t know for sure.” He stammers. “But I believe she said she was heading down to the basement. Level E-7.”

“E-7? What’s down there?”

The receptionist just shrugs.

“Well, alright. Thanks for your help.” You return to the private elevators and speak to the operator again. “Floor E-7 please.”

“Of course, Miss Crocker. Right away!” He goes to press the button, but comes to a halt mid-way. “Uh…”

“Is something wrong?”

“You said E-7, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” He gestures to the wall panel. “I don’t see that as an option.”

Sure enough, you look to the panel and find that the buttons skip between D-6 and F-8, overlooking the mysterious E-7 entirely.

Talk about strange.

“D-6 then, please.”

You suppose that you’ll just have to find a staircase to take you the rest of the way to E-7. This is odd, considering how the private elevator should have access to every single floor. The Condense herself uses this very lift. She should be able to get anywhere, after all.

When you reach D-6, you locate the nearest stairwell and jog down a flight of stairs. The stairwell is deserted and the sound of your shoes against the steps are deafening when they echo off the concrete walls. You find a door labeled E-7 exactly where it’s supposed to be. What is surprising, however, is the complex lock fastened over the door knob.

“What have you got down here, Condy?” You wonder, pulling out your badge and swiping it over the censor.

The lock beeps once and opens. Yeah, being a heiress has it’s perks.

Stepping inside, you can’t help but let out a small gasp when you get a good look at your new surroundings. Lining the walls of a massive hall, are glass cubes that resemble prison cells. Your curiosity gets the better of you and you begin to explore, peeking in the cells as you pass.

Most of them are empty, although some do have a few interesting things in them. One of them holds a pair of knitting needles, another a bloody sword. Trophies most likely. A third houses dozens of cans of Tab soda stacked on top of one another in some weird construct. You don’t pause to investigate that further, not when there’s other stuff to look at.

You glance into another one as you pass and do a double take. Inside, curled up on the hard, flat floor is a small, green-skinned _creature_ of some kind. The monster is dressed in a ratty green waist coat and a pair of trousers.

“What the…” You mutter under your breath, as you cautiously step closer towards the glass.

The walls of the cell are covered with many different scrawling words and images, alien text and pictograms that you can’t even begin to fathom the meaning of. You spot a particularly detailed picture of a pair of intertwined snakes, but as you lean closer to get a better look, someone suddenly speaks.

“Hey.”

You let out a shrill shriek and jump, what feels like, ten feet into the air. The creature in the cell remains immobile and you wheel around to gaze into the cell across the hall.

Inside, against the far wall of the cell, sits a normal-looking guy around your age. He has dark, messy hair, bright blue eyes behind thick-rimmed glasses, and his lanky frame is covered in bloody hospital gown.

“Uh… hey.” You respond hesitantly.

You move no closer to this stranger’s cell.

“He doesn’t talk much.” The stranger nods towards the alien in the cell behind you. “Well, at all really. He doesn’t move too often either. Hell, I don’t think he does anything, at all.”

“Uh, huh.”

“I’m John, by the way.”

“Hi.”

“What’s your name?”

“I…” You pause. It’s pretty obvious that you shouldn’t be down here and it’s even _more_ obvious that you shouldn’t be talking to this _John_ , whoever he is.

And yet… the mystery that surrounds this situation intrigues you. Curiosity has always been your greatest downfall.

“I’m Jane.” You answer finally.

“Jane.” John repeats. “That’s a good name. You should keep it.”

“I intend to.”

John nods in appreciation.

“So, Jane.” He says, leaning back on the wall. “Do you work for the Condense?”

“Sort of.” You gesture vaguely. “She owns the whole building and I work _in_ it, so yeah. I guess so.”

“Oh.” John’s face, which has been somewhat cheerful this whole time, falls. “So then I guess you’re one of the bad guys, huh? That sucks. You looked nice.”

“I am nice!” You respond defensively. “Just because I work for a bitch, doesn’t mean I _am_ a bitch. Who are you, anyway? One of the rebels?”

“A Freedom Fighter? No. I was friends with some of them, but…” John looks around his cell. “I’m pretty sure that’s not why I’m here.”

“Well, then why are you here?”

“I- It’s… It’s hard to explain. In fact, I don’t even fully understand why she’s keeping me here.” John rubs his eyes under his glasses and you notice the heavy, dark rings that hang from his lower lids. You doubt sleeping on the floor is all that comfortable. “Probably because she thinks I’m dangerous.”

“Are you dangerous?”

John’s eyes meet yours. Reflected in his pupils are the ghosts of horrors past, which give merit to your initial answer of a resounding _‘yes’_.

“No.” He says. “Not to you, I’m not.”

“Well that’s good to hear, I suppose.” You gradually draw closer to the glass of his cell. “Although I don’t think that’s enough of a reason to let you out of there.”

“You can let me out?” John’s eyes suddenly light up. “Really?”

“Uh…” You hadn’t meant to give him hope. However, looking at the lock fitted into the wall next to his cell, you wonder just how much power your ID badge grants you. “I don’t know and like I said, I don’t think I will anytime soon.”

“Listen,” John climbs to his feet and you retreat a few steps. “I know that you don’t know me and that this is probably the least ideal way to meet each other, but I really need to get out of here. The fate of the universe may hang in the balance!”

“Wow. Doesn’t someone think big of themselves?”

“I said _‘may’_. I don’t know if my friends have escaped or not.” John frowns once more. “Of even if they’re still alive.”

“If you friends were rebels, then there’s a good chance they probably didn’t make it.” You bend the edges of your expense report a little nervously. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’ve thought that a lot too.” John’s head meets the glass of his cell with a solid _thunk_. “I don’t even know how _I’m_ still alive. I remember… being skewered by the Condense and then… nothing.”

“She stabbed you?”

“Yup. I thought that I was going to be dead for real this time too.”

“Is there any other way you can die?”

“Well… yeah, but I don’t feel like getting into that right now.”

“Alrighty?”

“Anyways, there we were, battling on that beach, a real boss battle to end all boss battles, when the Condense threw a javelin and tried to spear my friend Roxy. I jumped in the way, like Ralph Macchio’s courageous ghost, and took the blow instead. It was pretty cool.” It doesn’t _sound_ cool. “And then I died, heh.”

“Wow. So is that why the weekly celebration was cancelled? Because you blew up the bay?” You frown. John and his pals owe you three dozen cupcakes.

“I didn’t blow up anything.” John replies. “She was the one casting spells and throwing tridents. My friends and I were just trying to get the hell out of there.”

So this is the ‘ _unforeseen complications’_ that caused the weekly celebration to be cancelled. _John_ is why the beach front is closed and why your father must spend his whole day cleaning up smashed robot bits and other miscellaneous wreckage from the bay.

Before you can question John some more, the door at the end of the hallway opens with a soft _creak_.  You turn and gape in horror as the Condense herself strolls inside, yapping sinisterly.

“Sorry I had to put our pleasant conversation on pause, John. I forgot that I left my hair fluffer plugged in up in my office. Nevertheless, I’m back now and…” She trails off when she sees you standing outside of John’s cell. “WHAT IN GOG’S NAME ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!” She shrieks like a banshee.

“I-I was just…” You hold out the expense report dumbly.

The Condense strolls right past you and up to John’s cell. She pounds her fist against the glass, much like a child would smack a fish tank, the only difference in this case being that sparks erupt into the air with each blow.

“WHAT. DID. YOU. TELL. HER?!” She screeches, punctuating each word with another _slam_.

You cover your ears as all the glass in the hallway begins to wobble dangerously. John winces inside his cell and for the first time, you truly feel bad for him and his predicament.

His eyes flicker quickly between you and the Condense, as he mulls over her very loud and threatening question. You hope that his answer doesn’t get you into trouble. Your great-grandmother has always been a terrifying and imposing figure in your life, now more than ever though, she seems _truly_ frightening.

“I didn’t tell her anything enormous.” He eventually responds carefully. “We actually just finished saying _‘hi’_.”

“Oh, really? I totally believe that.” The Condense snarls. Very suddenly, her gaze swivels to fix upon you and you swallow nervously. Her voice is like steel as she commands: “Go outside.”

Without question, you turn on your heel and abscond the fuck away from this situation. It takes all of your will power to not sprint from the strange hall, all the way up the stairs, and back to your house where you can hide under the sheets and pretend none of this ever happened.

Instead, you stand like a statue just outside the door and listen as the Condense has a very loud conversation with John.

“Don’t give me a reason to kill you, Egbert!” She cries.

“You already have like a billion reasons to kill me!” He shouts back. “Why am I still here? What the hell do you want?!”

“ _We_ have unfinished business, business that does _not_ in any way involve _her_! Do you understand?”

“What sort of business? Who is she?”

“We have private business! And she is none of your gog-dammed business!”

“Fine. Whatever. Be all cryptic and weird. See if I care.” John sounds defiant. “It’s not like I invited Jane down for a visit. Maybe you should have better security on this place. On another note, why is this place called ‘ _the screamer pits_ ’? No one’s screaming. This isn’t even a pit!”

“Shut your mouth!” There’s another loud _bang_ and you suppose she punched the glass again. What is that stuff made out of? It must be incredibly tough! “We’ll continue this conversation later. Just heed my words, _Egbert_.”

You hear the _clack clack_ of her heels on the hard floor and straighten your posture as best as you can just as the door opens. Over the Condense’s shoulder, you catch of glimpse of John giving the Empress a pair of upside-down middle fingers and bite back a smile, apparently unsuccessfully.

“Is something _funny_?” Your great-grandmother seethes as the door slams shut.

“N- No, ma’am. I was just…”

“You were just sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong!” Grabbing you by the earlobe, the Empress begins to haul you up the stairs. “How many times do I have to tell you, Jane? Curiosity killed the wriggler, and it will get you too if you aren’t careful.”

“I was just looking for you.” You appeal, wincing from the pain being inflicted on your sensitive ear. “I didn’t know what was down there! Heck, I’m still not a hundred percent sure what I saw.”

Stepping out of the stairwell and back onto floor D-6, the Condense continues to pull you towards the private elevator. Only when she mashes the ‘up’ button, does she release you.

“Listen closely, my darling.” She says quietly, with dead seriousness. “What you saw today were some of the most dangerous and deceitful creatures in the universe. Murderers, thieves, liars, and worst of all: enemies to the empire.”

“So that green guy you captured is an alien and John is a…”

“John is none of your concern.” Her slim fingers wrap around your forearm and you feel her sharp nails scratch your skin. “He is, above all else, an evil son of a bitch that will kill you without a second thought.”

“He seems harmless to me, even a little nice.”

“That’s how he lures you in.” She warns as the elevator doors open. Before the elevator operator can greet you, the Condense reaches past him and slams a fist against the button leading to her floor.

You spend a long, uncomfortable thirty seconds wedged in the small space between the Empress and the operator. There are numerous, confusing thoughts bouncing around in your head.

It’s obvious that John is an enemy of the Condense. The real question is whether or not that makes him a bad guy. You’re socially aware enough to know that your great-grandmother is an evil, tyrannical bitch, but that doesn’t mean her warnings about John don’t have merit.

When the elevator doors open again, you’re dragged from the lift, directly down the hall, and towards the Condense’s private office.

“I’m sorry to be rough with you, princess.” Simpers the Condense as she tosses you inside. “But you have to realize that you gave me quite a fright when I found you down there. That’s no place you should ever wander.”

“Well my ID badge let me in so…”

“That will have to be remedied immediately. It was an oversight by myself to give you that level of clearance.” She moves towards her desk and takes a seat behind the large, red monolith. “Now, let me have your word that you will not repeat to anyone what you saw today.”

“I promise.”

“Also promise me that you’ll never, _ever_ try to get back down there again. Like I’ve said a dozen times before, it is so incredibly dangerous to be anywhere near those criminals.”

“I promise I won’t ever go do there again.” Your voice is flat, but convincing enough to earn a smile from the empress.

“Good.” She grins and holds her arms wide. “Now come. Give gam-gam a hug.”

You reluctantly step into her embrace and allow yourself to be crushed against her bosom. She sighs contentedly and releases you after a moment too long.

“So.” She continues. “You said that you wanted to see me.”

“Yes. You need to sign off on this expense report.” You pass it to her and she signs the document quickly without even examining it first. After that, you give her a curt nod and race for the door.

“Jane.”  She calls before you can fully escape. “Remember what I said.”

“I will.” You send her as strong a smile you can muster and quietly shut the door behind you.

* * *

It’s well into the evening by the time you finally make it home. You had to stay late to make up for the work you missed when you went down to chat with John. As you sat at your desk, mindlessly reading over some bullshit or other, your knee bounced non-stop under the table as your thoughts raced.

So the Condense is keeping high-profile prisoners in the basement of CrockerTower, with hardly any security measures besides a locked door and some toughened glass. Hell, you literally swiped your badge and walked right in. Sure, your status as an heiress gives you higher access to such places, but you were completely unaware that place even existed!

You could have left your badge on the bathroom sink and _anyone_ could have stolen it to let those prisoners free. How careless! No one would guard such dangerous prisoners with such lax protocols.

Unless…

Unless John isn’t really all that dangerous at all. Maybe such shoddy guards were put in place because your great-grandmother couldn’t justify spending money on someone like John, someone who wasn’t much of a threat at all.

This only raises more questions though.

Only someone super powerful and badass could go toe to toe with the Condense and walk away. Apparently a ten mile stretch of beach was destroyed by their conflict! How could someone who isn’t dangerous accomplish that?

This prompts further investigation.

However….

You really shouldn’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. So what if the Condense is keeping an innocent boy in her basement? She’s slaughtered hundreds of potentially good people.

Maybe it’s the whole _wrongness_ of it all. The forbidden nature by which the Empress endeavors to keep you and John separated intrigues you. Is it possible that her goals aren’t simply centered on keeping you away from danger?

You’re still musing when you climb the front steps of your porch and try to open the front door. It’s locked, which is strange considering that your dad should be home by now.

Fishing out your house key, you unlock the door and step inside.

“Hey.” You call into the dark house. “Dad. Are you home?”

He isn’t.

You do a quick sweep of the house and after finding the rooms to be thoroughly dad-less, you make yourself some dinner and flop down in front of the television, chalking up his absence to a little over-time on clean-up duty.

It’s only after you switch to the ‘Rainbow Falls News Channel’ that you realize something is wrong.

 _“Well, we’ve got quite the story for you tonight folks!”_ Grins Debra Unicorn, the most famous and desirable evening news anchor. _“Apparently a team of CrockerCorp employees were killed today while on clean-up duty near the bay.”_

Your spoon, full of salty ramen and halfway to your mouth, suddenly pirouettes to the carpet.

_“Yup, you heard me. Apparently this team, consisting of four men and two women, stumbled upon a stash of old Freedom Fighter booby traps and was blown to kingdom come! Can you imagine that, Dick?”_

On screen, the grinning Debra turns to her co-anchor, Dick Gayson.

 _“No I cannot.”_ Dick Gayson answers, equally cheerfully. _“It truly is a sad day for all CrockerCorp employees. I just glad none of_ my _loved and cherished family members died in the explosion.”_

_“Speaking of family members, here’s the list of the deceased now!”_

Debra gestures to her side, where a graphic pops up, displaying all the names of the CrockerCorp employees killed in action. You read the names and let out a horrible, choking sob.

Your name is Jane Crocker. Your father is dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then there was Jane.
> 
> I recently saw Big Hero 6, which was pretty good in my opinion. For those of you who haven't seen Big Hero 6, but are thinking about it, it's an obscure marvel comic about a team of superheroes. There's Hero, who is the hero, his brother Tamagotchi, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and a bunch of other people who are pretty alright. My favorite though, would have to be GoGo Tomago, who looks like she would fit in with the folks from 'Kinetica'. If you've got ten bucks lying around, just taking up space, go see Big Hero 6.
> 
> Book of Life is good too.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	57. INT 2 - PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to OBVOS for commenting a total of three times, with very _large_ comments.
> 
> Warning: Mentions of suicide.

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’re now living life as a prisoner to the Condense.

And, man, does it blow.

You don’t remember much about your death, just flashes of light and sound. You, pushing Roxy out of the way of an incoming trident, Kanaya’s voice in your head, strong, metallic arms roughly carrying you… somewhere, and finally blinding, white lights.

When you’d come to, lying on the hard floor of your new home, the first thing you saw was _her_ smiling face.

“Knock knock.” She’d laughed, tapping her nails on the window of your cell. “Did you have a nice nap?”

“Ugh…. Where am I?” You’d groaned.

“My own personal petting zoo, if you must know.”

“My friends…”

“Are no longer a concern of yours.” She had leaned close to glass, so much so that her breath created a slight fog. “If I were you, I’d forget about them and start trying to get on _my_ good side. We’ll talk again soon, John Egbert.”

And then she’d left you alone, with nothing but a blood-stained hospital gown and a colossal headache.

Upon further investigation, you’ve discovered that your cell is basically a rectangular prism of concrete and glass, twice as long as it is wide, and virtually inescapable from the inside. There’s an air ventilation duct about the size of your fist in the wall and another, next to that, a small chute where a canister of gross muck comes sliding down once a day.

“What’s this?” The first time the can arrived, you’d saved it to show to the Condense when she had visited again.

“That’s dinner, blue boy.” She had sneered, from beyond the glass. “It tastes better if you pinch your nose.”

“Really?”

“Shit if I know. I’d _never_ eat that disgusting slop.”

Turns out, the muck actually _does_ taste better with your nose pinched. Still, that didn’t make your only source of nutrients any less awful. Your one request for better sustenance was laughed at, along with your second request for a better toilet.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” The Condense had mocked. “I must have forgotten that this totally impenetrable and evil prison was supposed to be a five star hotel. Let me call the bell hop and get you some better accommodations, _your highness_.”

You’ve decided that taking your lumps and using the rather uncomfortable and unconcealed restroom was preferable to dealing with her sass all the god-dammed time.

You just wish that life down here wasn’t so _boring_.

It comes to a point when you’re almost looking forward to the daily visits from Her Imperious Condescension. At least she’s someone to talk to. The green-skinned alien across the hall has been frustratingly immobile and stoic. You’d think it was dead were it not for the steady rise and fall of its chest as it breathed.

You’re still unsure if it’s a boy or a girl, or even if that’s a fair distinction to make. The Condense had been annoyingly vague when you’d asked about the creature.

“Who’s that?”

“Who? Them?” She had turned and looked into the cell, as if she’d forgotten that the alien was there. “Oh, don’t worry. That’s just NONE OF YOUR GOG-DAMMED BUSINESS!”

You sort of walked into that one, didn’t you?

Anyways, it’s not unusual to wake up in the morning, night, whenever to find that there’s a new picture on the wall of the alien’s cell or a new paragraph of strange writing. Thinking that the creature might be nocturnal, you once stayed up for as long as possible for the chance to speak with it, or to see it move, or anything!

However, not some much as a green toe budged. When you’d eventually fallen asleep on accident, you’d awoken to find more pictures on the wall.

“Hey!” You beat your fist against the glass. “You, over there, in the green! Can you hear me?”

“I’m stuck here too, you know?! Things would probably be less shitty if we hung out some. I used to have alien friends, so I’m not scared or anything!”

Yeah, you _used_ to have alien friends.

Kanaya’s noticeable absence from your brain was disturbing at first and a little depressing. Sure, it would have been nice to talk to her, anyone really, but the real problem was that if your link with Kanaya was severed, how would you get back to the medium?

How are you going to see Rose, Dave, Jade, Karkat, or anyone else ever again?

The simple answer that comes to mind is: You won’t.

This world, that you’re currently trapped on, is coming to an end soon. You have no idea when, maybe tomorrow or a week from tomorrow, but regardless the chances of you escaping before then are pretty slim. You’ll probably die along with everyone else, which raises another question. Would you come back if you did?

Being destroyed in an apocalyptic event doesn’t sound heroic _or_ just, but you did somehow survive sacrificing yourself for Roxy so….

So you’ve basically given up trying to understand anything.

You simply sit in your cell, wait for the Condense to show up, stare at the sleeping alien, and _think_. You think about your dad, and your friends, Rose specifically.

You spend a lot of time thinking about Rose.

If Dave and the others escaped back to the medium and told her you died, would she be upset? Yeah, probably. You’re both friends, after all. However a small part of you hopes that she, in the end, sort of considered you to be more than that. A small part of you hopes that, if you had returned with Dave, things would have been different between you and her.

You think about that a lot, at night when you toss and turn on the hard floor, dreams of hot breath and warmth that used to include Vriska now hold someone else. Your daydreams now have softer curves and smoother skin. When your imaginary fingers meet hers, there isn’t hard steel, but soft flesh. And when you hand buries itself in her hair, you don’t feel disappointed or guilty to find warm gold instead of cold black.

You never put much thought or priority on sex before, but now, here in this hell hole, you think about it a lot. You think and you wonder and you hope that one day you’ll get to see Rose Lalonde again.

And then one day, there’s someone else standing outside your window, someone _new_.

“So are you ever going to tell me who that girl was?” You ask the Condense, the day after Jane’s short and unexpected visit.

“No.”

“Why not? It’s not like I can do anything with that information.”

“Just _no_ , alright?” the Condense rubs her forehead and winces.

“Headache?” You lean against the wall, close to the glass.

“You have no idea.” She sighs. “It’s been a rough couple of days. Running an evil empire isn’t all fun and games, I’ll have you know.”

“Oh, I bet you’re just slaving away. I wouldn’t mind trading jobs for a day if you want. You could come down here and I could go up there. It would be like that movie, Trading Places.”

“Trading Places?”

“Yeah, you know? Dan Aykroyd. Eddie Murphy.”

“Ugh.” The Condense presses another hand to her forehead. “Could you do me a favor and not speak gibberish today? I’m really not in the mood for you bullshit, Egbert.”

“Well, then why do you even come down here if you don’t wanna put up with my bullshit?”

“Because you’re my prisoner! It would be rude to just neglect you.”

“Yeah, but all you do is curse at me and complain about how hard it is to be a queen.” You angrily jab your finger into the glass, pointing at her chest. “Whatever you’re going to do, just get it over with! Are you waiting for me to go insane?! Why don’t you just tell me what the hell you want?!”

“I want you,” She steps closer towards the glass. “To stay exactly where you are.”

“But why!?”

“Because…” She sighs again and looks to the floor. “Because it’s complicated, alright?”

Anger churns in your gut and you punch the glass, causing her to step back in surprise.

“I’m not some weird thing that you can just keep locked up for no reason! I have a life! I deserve to know why I’m still alive!” Your shouts echo off the small walls of the cell.

Across the hall, the green-skinned creature begins to stir.

“You seem to have forgotten, John!” The Condense snaps back. “You seem to have forgotten that _I’m_ the reason you’re still alive! I was supposed to kill you the second you were captured on that island! I was supposed to make sure you _never_ got out of there alive, but I couldn’t!”

“Why?!” You want to grab this maniac by the throat and strangle her. “Tell me, for once, what the hell is actually going on!”

Her face, which was twisted with rage, suddenly softens a bit, although her sharp teeth remain barred.

“Because I’m a mother.” She eventually says.

You take a second to process her words. Apparently, that is supposed to be some type of revealing statement, but honestly you’re just confused by it. So the Condense is a mom. Big whoop. The world is full of moms…

The Condense is looking at you. Her eyes are big and sad and a little distant. You start to feel a little sick.

“No.” You breathe. “You… what?!?”

“I’m your mom, dumbass.” She says, exasperated.

“I know. I just got that.” You rub the back of your neck. “But… how?”

“Do you really not know?” The Condense rolls her eyes. “Listen, John. When a man and a woman love each other very much…”

“No no no no! I get that stuff.” You quickly interrupt her. “I mean… you’re sort of an evil, tyrant troll with magical powers and I’m from a different dimension.”

“I’m not your mother specifically, of course. Your alternate dimension counterpart was my son.” She clenches her fist and suddenly grows angry once more. “Until he met that skank of a rebel and tried to overthrow me.”

“He met a girl?” You suddenly become very warm. “Wh-what was her name?”

“I dunno, Jessica or something. It isn’t important.” The Condense gestures her hand vaguely. “I shouldn’t even be telling you this garbage, in all honesty. In fact,” She checks her watch. “I need to get going. I’ve got my work cut out for me topside cleaning up after the mess you caused at the beach. Until tomorrow, John.”

And then she begins to walk away.

“No. Wait!” You call after her, but she doesn’t stop. “Ah! Come on! You’re going to walk out after that?!”

The door shuts with a loud _clang_.

“Bluh bluh, huge bitch empress.” You flop down onto the ground and rest your head against the cool glass of your cell.

She’ll come back tomorrow, she always does, and the second she shows up, you’re going to barrage her with so many questions. It will be a veritable landslide of questions that will surely destroy her infuriating barrier of pointless diversion and reward you with some legitimate answers. You’re tired of all this bullshit rigmarole.

“We’d kill ourselves if we were you.” Says a horrible, growl of a voice.

You twist your neck so quickly it’s a wonder your vertebrae doesn’t snap.

“What?” You look across the hall to the opposite cell, where the green-skinned alien is now standing with its palms pressed to the glass of its own prison.

“You heard us.” The alien continues. “Next time you get a canister of food, shove the entire thing in your mouth and choke on it until you’re dead.”

“Hey, fuck you, buddy. I’m not doing that.”

“Really? Are we going to have to go over there and beat you to death instead?”

“Has it occurred to you that I actually _don’t_ want to die?”

“No.” The alien shrugs. “You’re life is pretty shit. Might as well just end it, amirite?”

“Actually no.” You push yourself to your feet and face the stranger. “That’s not the type of philosophy to live by and if you haven’t noticed yet, you’re just as trapped as I am.”

“No.” He repeats with a shake of his head. You assume it’s a boy by the timbre of his voice. “We’re merely biding out time, waiting until the right moment to free ourselves from this accursed confinement, so that we can seek revenge upon the slutbag who trapped us here.”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like in the second person or something. You keep saying _‘we’_ and stuff.” You point at him. “But it’s just you in there, right?”

“Yes, yes.” The alien nods in agreement. “Just uh… me. _Me_. Just _me._ ”

He grins, flashing rows of sharp teeth, a pair of fangs, and a pretty neat golden tooth. You try not to shiver, faced with that ghastly grin.

“What’s your name?”

“My name is NONE OF YOuR GODDAMN BuSINESS!”

“Fuh. I’m really tired of people saying that.”

“Yeah, well I don’t care.” The alien turns and sits on the ground, facing his back towards you. “If you decide to kill yourself by bashing your head repeatedly into the wall. Let me know. I’d like to _watch_.”

“Don’t get your hopes up… dick.” You sit down as well, putting your back to the extremely rude alien, who’s name you still do not know.

Great. The only people in the universe with whom you could possibly hold a conversation with are your villainous alternate-dimension mother and a green-skinned asshole.

You liked that fucker better when he slept all the time.

With a sigh, you rest your head against the wall and stare at the blank, expressionless floor between your knees. You hope that Jane girl, wherever or whoever she is, comes and visits again. It’s a selfish thought, considering how she probably got in trouble for being down here the first time.

Still. It’s nice to hope.

* * *

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are now Jane Crocker. The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon.

You dab at your eyes with a piece of thin tissue paper as you sit on a too-soft armchair outside of the Condence’s private office. You had come up to talk to your great-grandmother once more, but she’d been away. Without the wherewithal to return to your office or constitution to resolve to visit her again, you’d decided to sit and wait.

Her receptionist sits behind his desk and eyes you warily.

“Do you, like, want some coffee? Or something?” He eventually asks.

“No.” You fold your legs and shift uncomfortably in your chair. “No, thank you.”

He shrugs and goes back to his computer, trying to ignore your presence and the occasional sniffle as you wipe your nose. After what feels like an hour of unpleasant silence, of which you spend twisting and turning in your chair like one of those ‘weazel ball’ toys, the Condense finally shows up.

She steps out of the elevator as soon as the doors open. Her face is grim, with her mouth drawn up into a thin line and her eyes downcast. On any other occasion, you’d probably wonder what’s got your great-grandmother in a sour mood, but right now, her presence just gets your blood boiling.

“Jane.” Her frown deepens when she sees you. “What are you doing up here? Don’t you have work to do?”

You open your mouth but no words come out.

“What? Are you sick?” She steps up, notices your attire, and pinches at your blouse. “What’s with all the black? Are you going through a phase?”

“M- My dad.” You eventually manage. “Your grandson…”

“Yes. Yes. What about him?”

“He died.” You feel tears springing up again. “There was a burial ceremony this morning and everything. You- you didn’t come.”

“Oh yeah. I heard about that.” She waves her hand noncommittally. “Sorry I couldn’t make it. Urgent business to attend to and whatnot. An empire doesn’t run itself, you know?”

“You knew and you still didn’t come?” Somehow, her wickedness still manages to surprise you. “What was so important that you couldn’t get away for _two_ hours?”

“Queen stuff.”

“You were talking to John.”

At the mention of his name, her nostrils and eyes widen with an exhalation of sharp breath. Her fingers grab you by the ear again and you are bodily dragged through the doors of the Condense’s private office and tossed inside. You look back to catch a final glimpse of the worried-looking receptionist before the doors shut again.

“You swore you would never speak of that again!” the Condense hisses once you’re both alone. “Who the hell do you think you are? Coming up here and getting all up in my grill?”

“I deserve to know why my father died.” You snap back.

“He died in a terrible and unfortunate accident with some Freedom Fighter booby traps. It was on the news, you imbecile.”

“Freedom Fighters don’t attack civilians.” You match her glare with your own. “ _You_ are their target, not anyone else.”

“You don’t think the rebels leave their stronghold unguarded, do you? Of course they have safety precautions.” Her voice is laced with condescension. “A whole bunch of people died, on accident, they were cleaning up…”

“After _you_!” In an impressive show of courage, you jab her in the chest with a stiff index finger.

She smacks your hand away.

“What are you talking about?!” She growls.

“John told me! He said that you fought him and his friends there, that _you_ tried to kill him, that _you_ trashed the beach!” You’re screaming now, sadness turned to anger. “ _You_ sent my dad out there and _you_ didn’t even have the common decency to show up at his god-dammed funeral!”

You expect her to deny these accusations, or to become furious, maybe even strike you down with a bolt of lightning. However, one of the last things you expect her to do is laugh.

“You are so naïve, child.”She cackles. “You think that _I’m_ the reason your precious daddy is dead? HA HA Fucking HA!” She strolls away from you, towards a mini-bar she keeps well stocked with expensive liquor. As she prepares a drink, she continues: “This is only the beginning of many terrible things, sweetie. You’re buddy John has brought a shitstorm upon our world which, when the shoe finally drops, will end everything you’ve ever known or loved.”

She takes a deep draft of some colorful martini and makes her way lazily back towards you.

“I know what it’s like to lose a father, a son too, so don’t come up here, poking me with those little fingers and shouting with that squeaky voice.” She comes closer and you take an involuntary step back. “Your father was the son of a traitor and a blotch of red upon an otherwise clean sheet. The only reason I tolerated his existence was because of _you_ , my darling, the prefect little heiress to my empire.”

“I don’t want…”

“To be royalty?” She sneers. “Yeah, I’ve already heard that speech. Enjoy living life among the riff raff for however much longer our world is still around. I don’t care. I’ve recently come into possession of a much more powerful and altogether more interesting addition to my legacy. Not a replacement, of course, but a fine servant if there ever was one.”

“… John?”

“Yes!” She takes another sip of her drink and pats you on the head, much like a pet-owner would a dog. “Consider this your formal replacement notice. I will no longer be requiring your services.”

You take a second to organize your thoughts. The Condense is evil as shit, check. She hated your father because he was her son’s son, okay a little confusing but you’re still keeping up. You are no longer heir to the throne, because she now has John? That doesn’t make any sense. Isn’t there supposed to be some bullshit about bloodlines and family trees that dictate that stuff?

You don’t know and frankly it doesn’t matter. One thought resonates above all.

The Condense is the reason your father is dead and she couldn’t care less.

“Wh- What do you mean by _‘however much longer our world is still around’_?” You ask quietly. “You keep saying stuff like that. What does it mean?”

“It means,” Your great-grandmother finishes her drink. “That I’ve got a lot of work to do. Games to reprogram, worlds to build, stuff that a child like you wouldn’t understand.”

“I’m not a child.”

“Oh, how silly of me.” She presses a hand to her chest in mock shock. “I forget sometimes how old you are. You’re a big ‘ol tough adult woman now, ain’t ya? Well, _Mrs. Crocker_ , I don’t believe I’m paying you to take up floor space and breathe company air, hmmmmm? Don’t you have a job to do?”

So you’re no longer heir to the Crocker Corp empire, but you’re still an employee? That’s lame. You’re halfway through declaring an awesome and resounding _“I quit!”_ , when you stop yourself.

“Yes, ma’am.” You say, forcing a smile and turning on your heel.

At the doorway, you’re stopped once more.

“Jane.” She calls, forcing you to turn and look at her ugly mug once more. “I truly am sorry about your dad. Use the company credit card to buy yourself something nice, okay?”

“Alright.” You respond through gritted teeth.

“Oh, and if you ever come up here and talk to me like that again,” She snaps her fingers, sending a shower of sparks towards the ceiling. “You’ll regret it, capish?”

“Yes, ma’am. Is that all?”

“Yup.” And then the Condense turns and starts walking towards her desk, whistling the whole way.

The walk towards the elevator is a long one and the ride down to your floor is even longer. You’re silent the whole way, filled with an intoxicating hatred for the Condense and everything about her. You hate this building, the Orderlings, the CrockerBots, all the Condense propaganda. You hate the silver spoon pinned to your breast and you _hate_ the fucking stupid CrockerCorp-themed wallpaper that’s currently on your computer.

You throw your badge in the trash and spend five minutes trying to find the option that will allow you to change your desktop. After your little act of defiance is complete, you sit in your desk chair, in the dark, and simply fume.

You can’t stay here. You realize. You cannot stay in this building, in your empty house, in this entire god-forsaken city.

The Freedom Fighters.

You’ll run away and join their cause, or, whatever is left of it. Fuck this job, you should have quit when you were up in that office, face to face with that heaping slice of bitchcake. Why hadn’t you?

Then you remember.

 If you really want to _make her pay_ , then the best way is from inside the system. You aren’t an expert hacker/saboteur/badass, but you do know someone who might be able to do a little damage, with your help of course.

_John_.

He is the key to all of this. You know he is. The Condense desperately wants to keep you away from him, for some reason. However, that’s reason enough for you to believe that he’s a threat to her, and any threat to her is a friend to you.

You have to set him free.

A small part of you is apprehensive. Maybe as soon as you set John free, he’ll turn and kill you? You have no idea what sort of power he holds. Regardless of whether or not you are betrayed, setting him free will definitely piss _her_ off and that’s good enough for you.

The Condense claims to have revoked your access to the lower levels and if there’s one thing you do trust her on, it’s her paranoia. You’ll have to find some way to gain access to E-7 again, as well as John’s cell.

“Tomorrow.” You mutter into the darkness of your office.

Tomorrow you’re going to get your revenge, no matter how little or petty or desperate, she will regret treating your father like dirt. The Condense’s reign is coming to an end, you’re sure of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Hussie is giving us some Homestuck Updates that don't end with me crying myself to sleep. The JohnRoxy is heavy with this one and that's alright with me. I'm excited to see what happens next!
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Trevor Pauley, who passed away at the age of eighteen on Saturday night after a long battle with brain cancer. I know that this little note isn't nearly enough to pay tribute to such an amazing person, but this is all I've got in me at the moment. Rest in peace, friend.


	58. INT 2 - PART 3

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are Jane Crocker. Damn, you hate packing.

You haven’t been on many trips in your life. Where is there to go really? Every where’s pretty much the same under the Condense’s rule.

There was one trip though, in the fourth grade. You went to this farm outside of town and learned how hotdogs were made. You haven’t eaten one of those trashy, shit tubes in over ten years.

Anyways, you hadn’t needed to pack a bag then, but you do now. And man, is it harder than you’d think.

You stand in your bedroom, over an open suitcase and staring towards your closet full of miscellaneous crap. Today is the day you’re going to commit your act of defiance towards your tyrannical great-grandmother and then high-tail it for the hills. You don’t know where you’re going to go exactly, just _away_. Hopefully you’ll bump into some Freedom Fighters and join up with them.

You can see yourself now, Jane Crocker: Rebel Badass and all around solid gal. You haven’t been this excited for anything in a long time!

Moving towards your closet, you begin the arduous task of fitting your entire life into a three by two-thirds by one foot prism of space. As you carefully fold clothes and stash treasured knick-knacks, you wonder if this plan is going to work at all.

Will freeing John net you a point against the Condense and her forces? What if all of this backfires in some Ides of March type scenario? Are you going to be sucker stabbed by your MacGuffin: John?

That would suck.

However, you feel it’s worth the risk. The Condense seems to respect John, if not fear him. Freeing him, will surely piss her off and buy you time to make your escape.

With your life packed away, you drag your suitcase down the stairs and to the kitchen. It’s nearly seven-o-clock in the morning. You should head towards the office and set your plan into motion. Taking a final look around the empty house, you spot one of your father’s fedora’s resting on the kitchen table, forever forlorn.

You debate taking it, but decide not to. You’ll probably just lose it somewhere along the road and you don’t want that. Instead, you swipe the note off the refrigerator, his messy scrawl explaining his absence from your life. Shoving his final note to you in your coat pocket, you drag your suitcase out the front door and don’t look back.

No one looks twice to examine the determined-looking young woman with the suitcase as she makes her way down the sidewalk. Why would they? Everyone’s buzzing around worrying about their own lives, ants in an ant farm, puppets on strings. For the first _real_ time ever, you see your world for what it is and _hate_ it.

After today, you’ll no longer be a part of it and that, more than anything else, urges you to pick up your pace, stride through the front doors of CrockerTower, and straight to the private elevators.

“What’s in the bag?” Asks the elevator operator cheerily. “Going on a trip, Miss Crocker?”

“Yup.” You answer curtly. “My office, please.”

“Right away.”

As soon as the elevator doors open on your floor, you slide out into the hall, nod at the swift-walking mail man, and enter your office, locking it behind you. You toss your suitcase onto your desk, not caring when your keyboard and mug of pens are knocked to the floor, and retrieve your CrockerCorp badge from the trash bin.

Looking at yourself in the full-length mirror behind your door, you pin the silver spoon to your breast once more.

You’re doing this. You’re making this happen.

The Condense has surely revoked your basement-level access after catching you down in the screamer pits. So you’ll have to get your clearance level reinstated. You’ve already come up with a plan for this, one that’s elegant in its simplicity.

You force yourself to walk calmly as you leave your office once more and take the private elevator up a few floors to the IT department. Arriving outside of the security office, you knock on the door and gain the attention of the employee within.

“Uh. Hey, Mark.” You greet your co-worker. “Where’s Kyle?”

“Her Imperious Condescension gave him the month off.” Answers Mark without looking away from his computer. “Apparently he did something _really_ good. I don’t know what though.”

“Oh, well I sort of needed his help with something.”

“Well…” Mark spins around in his chair to face you. “Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s only little old _me_ up here. Sorry if that’s not good enough.”

“I never said that.”

“But you were thinking it!” Mark’s sudden outburst causes you to flinch. He continues: “Day after day, people come up here looking for Kyle. What about me?! I do my job alright! I work twice as hard as that good-looking son of a bitch and no one ever gives _me_ a whole month off!”

Sheesh. This was _not_ a part of the plan. Although, you might be able to work this in your favor.

“I get what you’re saying.” You reply calmly, leaning against the doorframe. “In fact, I’m a little glad that you’re here instead of _him_. I need your help with something.”

“Oh, yeah?” Mark leans back in his chair. “I’m listening.”

You hold up your badge.

“There’s been a glitch. Her Imperious Condescension wants me to perform a time-sensitive job in the lower levels. However, my badge won’t let me down there.” You offer him the plastic card. “I need you to give me access to floor E-7.”

“E-7, huh?” Mark snatches the card from your fingers and shoves it into a slot in his computer. “I’ve never heard of that, but I’ll see what I can do. All I need is a written request from the Condense herself and you’re in.”

“There’s no time for written requests. I said this was time-sensitive, Mark.”

His hands slow to a pause over his keyboard.

“I can’t grant you access like this without some kind of paper work, Miss Crocker. I’m sorry, but…” He reaches to remove your card from his computer, but you let out a low cough.

“Please, Mark. I’m there heiress to the whole empire for goodness sake.  I’d hate to tell the Condense that this highly urgent task is being delayed by red tape.”

You watch Mark’s hand tremble slightly. _No one_ wants to be on your bad side and especially not on _her_ bad side.

“A- Alright. I get the picture.” Mark returns to punching keys. After a soft _beep_ and a low _whirr_. He pulls your ID Badge out of the computer and passes it back to you. “Here you go. You should have access to as many lower levels as humanly possible.”

“Thanks, Mark. I’ll be sure to tell the Condense how good a job you did.” You send him a warm smile and he returns it, before you turn on your heel and head towards the elevators once more.

You better be ready John. You think as you finger your ID Badge.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re still as much of a prisoner as you were twelve hours ago.

And guess what. It _still_ blows.

“Are you sure that you don’t remember her name?” You’re standing near the glass of your cell, conversing with the Condense on the other side.

“I’ve already told you. It started with a _‘J’_. Johanna or something.” The empress shrugs. “After he turned traitor I completely blocked out most details about him. Frankly, I don’t know why you care so much.”

“What? You don’t think I’m interested to know who I married?”

“You’re never going to meet the woman or anyone like her probably. She died along with that old coot during the battle of the plains.”

“Did I have any kids?”

“Yeah, one. He actually died yesterday, as a matter of fact.”

“What?!” You exclaim, incredulous. “No way. How did he die?”

The Condense’s lips twist into a feral snarl.

“He was assigned to clean up the mess we caused down at the bay. His group stumbled upon the portal, started asking questions.” She examines her nails. “And I couldn’t have that, could I?”

“You killed your own grandson?”

“I thought it was well-established that I was evil, John. I can’t fathom how this new fact could possibly surprise you.”

“But, I mean, he was your grandson? That’s low. Even for you.”

“Nothing is too low for me.”

“Do you really think so?” You step closer to the glass. “You wanna know what I think?” You wait for her to roll her eyes and nod reluctantly before you continue. “I think, the reason you come down here every day, is because you like having someone to talk to. No one likes you because you’re a bitch, so you have to literally trap someone to hold a conversation with them. I think you feel a little bad for all the evil you do, and that it feels good for you to talk about it. Maybe, if you look deep enough, you can find that you have a little bit of goodness inside of you.”

Her eyes go wide and her jaw goes slack.

“John…” She steps closer to the glass as well, even rests her palm against the surface. “I’ve never thought of that before.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’ve never considered… that maybe there _is_ goodness inside of me.” A small smile forms on her lips. “Thank you for showing me that. Come on, lets’ get you out of there.”

“Really?!”

“OF COURSE NOT!!!” She suddenly pounds her fist against glass, causing a harsh vibration to echo around the inside of your cell. “What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?! There’s no goodness in me, John Egbert. Just a swirling dark mass of pure evil and badassness. Did you really think you could change my heart with a half-baked speech like that? PSCHAH! Gog-damn, you’re a dumbass.”

Laughing and still insulting your intelligence, the Condense gives you a final wave and turns on her heel. You hear her laughter all the way down the hall and even outside the door for a while until it fades away.

“Bitch.” You mumble, sinking to the ground in the corner of your cell once more.

“That’s so rude!” A voice suddenly complains.

You look across the hall to see that the green-skinned alien is once again standing and looking over at you. It’s eyes are not as firm as before and it’s posture is more slouched, making it appear smaller.

“Like you’re one to talk about rude.” You say back and then bury your head in your knees. “Leave me alone, dick. Can’t you see that I’ve hit rock bottom?”

“We don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.” Continues the alien, despite your closed-off body language.

“Oh yeah? Well I think I’ll be okay without a proper introduction. You’ve left enough of an impression already.”

“That’s where you’re mistaken, John!” The alien presses onwards. “If you just give us a chance to explain, we can dismiss your previous encounter with us and hopefully make a better impression.”

“Why are you talking like that again?” You look up, examining the alien. “I thought we agreed that there was only _one_ of you in that cell.”

“But there isn’t!” The alien smiles at you. “Our name… M- _My_ name is Calliope. It’s nice to meet you.”

You stand up and face the alien named Calliope, willing to give this much more promising conversation a chance.

“Alright, Calliope.” You wave. “I’m John. It’s nice to meet you too. Now, why do you think that there’s more than one of you in that cell?”

Calliope beams, apparently happy that you’re warming up to him. Her? Him/her? It? You don’t know. You’ll ask in a second.

“You may only see one body in here.” Calliope gestures around their cell. “But there are two minds in _here_.”

They point to their head.

“So, you’ve got a split personality?”

“If that makes it easier to understand, yes! Two separate minds and consciousnesses trapped within the same space. My nasty counterpart, who you had the misfortune of encountering earlier, is my brother, Caliborn. I am his sister, Calliope.”

She grins at you again and you feel a wave of sympathy for the friendly alien.

“So, you’re like trapped in a _double_ prison.” You frown. “I’m sorry. That really sucks.”

“It could be a lot worse, I suppose.” She smiles cheerfully, although you suspect it isn’t genuine. “I’m not going to complain about what can’t be helped.”

“How did you end up here though?” You gesture around the cell. “I mean, you don’t look like you’re from earth.”

“That’s because I’m not! My brother and I are from an ancient world, much older than earth or any other planet you can probably think of! Unfortunately we destroyed our home by playing the game.” Her face falls slightly. “We did our best to rebuild, but were interrupted, removed from the medium, and brought here, where the Condense has kept us imprisoned.”

“Who kidnapped you?”

“An all powerful being, someone who is unbound by the laws of time and space, someone who will stop at nothing to control all of existence,” Her face goes from neutral, to a straight up frown. “ _Lord English_.”

“Never heard of him.”

“Really? He’s sort of a big deal.”

“Sorry.” You shrug. “Have you heard of Jack Noir?”

“No, I can’t say that I have.”

“Well, let me tell you. _He_ is a mean son of a bitch.”

“Oh my!”

“Mhmm. Last thing I heard from my friends is that _he_ was attacking them. I hope they’re alright.”

“I’m sure they are!”Calliope smiles again. “I’ve heard the way the Condense talks about you. If they’re players like yourself, then they must have all kinds of useful powers!”

“Most of them have pretty cool powers, yeah.” A sudden thought strikes you. “Hey, you said that you played the game too. Shouldn’t you also have sweet powers?”

“I never reached god tier, sadly.” Admits Calliope. “Although I was on track to become a hero of space!”

“That’s awesome. My sister Jade was, I mean, _is_ a hero of space.”

“How interesting. And you are…”

“Heir of Breath!” You answer proudly.

Calliope’s eyes widen.

“Really? Well then, why are you still in that cell?” She asks, quizzically.

“Why am I in this cell?” You repeat her question in confusion. “Uh, because the Condense trapped me here?”

“But, surely, if you are a hero of breath, and the heir on top of that, you should be able to escape!”

“How? What are you talking about?”

“Transform into wind, John Egbert.” Calliope commands simply.

You take a few seconds to process her words. Transform into wind? That sounds completely preposterous. That is most decidedly _not_ a part of your skill set. It’s just a little _too_ ridiculous.

And yet…

How can anything seem ridiculous, considering all the wacky stuff you’ve seen?

“Alright, gimme a sec. I’m going to try.”

Calliope waits patiently as you take a seat in the middle of your cell. Assuming a yoga-like stance, you close your eyes and try to turn into the wind.

Nothing happens.

You focus, imagining yourself splitting up into tiny John molecules and floating out of the small air duct in the wall. You think about your friends and how you need to get back to them and how awesome it would be to escape. You try to feel less… concrete, less _solid_.

Something happens.

There’s a knock at the door.

You open your eyes and blink in surprise. Jane is standing awkwardly outside your cell, tapping on the glass.

“Uh, hi?” She laughs nervously. “I’m sorry to interrupt your meditation session or whatever, but I this is kind of important.”

“Jane?” You climb to your feet. “What are you doing here?”

“Setting you free, of course.” Jane moves over towards the edge of the glass, presumably where a consol rests just out of sight. “I’ve had it with the Condense and her evil machinations. You’re going to take me to the Freedom Fighters and help me get revenge on her.”

“Revenge? What for? Besides the whole obvious dastardly dictator thing.”

Jane gives you a look, a _sad_ look. The type of look that is usually followed by some heavy stuff:

“She killed my father.”

“Your father? Was he a part of the clean-up team on the beach?”

“Yup, more than that too. He was her grandson.” Jane pulls an ID Badge from her pocket. “Get ready. Here we go.”

She swipes her badge over the consol the exact moment that her words finally create connections within your brain.

“Wait, did you say that your dad was _her_ grandson?!” Your words are immediately lost with the blare of loud claxons. Lights flash out in the hallway and the walls of your cell vibrate with the harsh alarm. “What’s happening, Jane?!”

“Mark must not have given me full clearance. I can’t open your cell!” She looks nervously towards the door. “Oh, man. We’re about to be in huuuuge trouble. Shit. Shit. Shit. What was I thinking!?!”

You slam your palms against the glass and push with all of your might, not trying to move the toughened material per say, just a desperate attempt to get closer to the girl outside.

“I’m usually so much more careful than this! Dad’s death is scrabbling my brains! I’m going to be flayed alive!” Jane continues frantically.

“Jane!”

“She has magic! Did you know that she has magic?! She’ll turn me into some kind of nut or something, I know it!”

“Jane, listen to me!”

“Oh god! Oh shit!”

“Jane!” You punch the wall as hard as you can, ignoring the sharp _crack_ of your knuckles, and gaining her attention. “Are you the Condense’s great-grandaughter?!”

At the end of the hall, the door opens and Orderlings start swarming in, responding to the wailing alarms. As the guards begin to run towards her, Jane presses herself against your cell, too frightened to flee or fight.

“W-What?”

“Answer the question!”

“Yes! Yes, she’s my great-grandmother!”

The Orderlings are close. They’re wielding batons and shouting and drawing closer to Jane every second.

There’s no time to lose.

You need to save your grandaughter.

Closing your eyes, you focus once more, transform into wind, fly through the small air-vent, and rematerialize outside of the cell next to Jane. The Orderlings skid to a halt, shocked by your sudden appearance.

“Heir of Breath, motherfuckers!” You cry triumphantly and then send the Orderlings flipping away with a sweep of your arm. “Man, who knew escaping from that cell would be such a _breeze_.”

“Boo!” Jeers Calliope from her cell. “I’m really sorry, but there’s no way I can excuse that pun. It was just awful. Boo!”

“Holy shit, it can talk!” Jane presses her hands to either side of her head, as if to crush her own skull in an attempt escape from the madness.

You grab her by the shoulders and hold her steady.

“Stay with me, Jane.” You shake her gently. “There’s a lot to talk about, but we can do that later. For now, I’m out of my cell. What’s phase two?”

“Phase two?” Jane’s eyes grow wide, impressive considering how wide they already were. “I didn’t plan on those alarms. I thought I’d be able to just walk right out of here. The Condense is probably on her way right now.”

“Then we’ve got to go.” You turn and, putting an extra burst of wind behind your fist, punch a hole in the consol next to Calliope’s cell. The glass holding her in disappears, setting her free. “Come on, Calliope. We got to go.”

The alien girl hesitates, just inside of her prison.

“I don’t know if that’s an all together good idea, John.” She admits. “By freeing me and brining me along, also realize that my brother must come as well.”

“Your brother doesn’t scare me.” You hold your hand out to her. “Besides, I think you’re worth whatever trouble he might cause.”

Smiling, Calliope takes your hand and delicately steps from her cell. She’s unsteady at first, reminding you of a young deer taking their first steps. You wonder just how long, in relative terms, she has been trapped within that small room. Probably too long.

“It- _They_ are coming with us?” Jane asks, nodding towards Calliope.

“Yup! Jane, meet Calliope. Calliope, meet Jane.” You introduce the two girls. “Now, come on. Lead the way!”

Following  your command, Jane starts to run down the hall, with you and Calliope in tow. She takes you out the door, up a flight of stairs, and to a pair of elevator doors.

“Shit.” She mumbles after she presses the button five times. “Shit. The Condense is probably taking this lift down right now!”

“Then we better start running.” You say, pointing towards the stairs.

You and your group make it up about six flights before you hear a loud and very angry roar echo up the stairwell. The Condense must have discovered the scene below, all of her immediate response Orderlings incapacitated and two of her prisoners missing.

Without speaking, everyone picks up the pace.

“Here!” Jane eventually stops at a door on the ground floor. “We should be able to get out through the- EEEP!”

She throws open the door to reveal another swarm of Orderlings right outside. You slam the door shut and usher the two girls to continue climbing the stairs. With an army waiting for you on the ground floor and the Condense below, there’s nowhere else to go but up.

A multitude of footsteps, intermitted with shouts and a few _zaps_ ,which sound a little too reminiscent of magical lightning bolts, follow you as you climb. After what feels like minutes upon minutes of tense running, Jane brings you to a stop at another door.

“What’s up here?” You ask, as she leads you out of the stairwell and into a hallway.

“Prototype assessment center! Also, my office!” She sprints through an open doorway and you suddenly find yourself in a conference room-esque space, with a large table in the center, displaying a multitude of bizarre-looking, red-painted objects.

“What are these?” Calliope asks, examining the items. “Weapons?”

“Some of them.” Jane huffs, as she snatches an oversized spoon-looking device from the table. “I don’t know how good they’ll be against bullets, but I’ll feel safer with _something_ in my hands.”

Calliope hungrily eyes a cool-looking headband, whilst you examine the table for anything useful. You spot wickedly curved sword and a pair of sweet nunchucks, but absolutely zero hammers.

Jane peeks outside of the door and makes sure the coast is clear, before motioning for you to follow her. As you step past the threshold, you look over your shoulder to see that Calliope is still standing motionless over the table of CrockerCorp tech.

“Calliope.” You hiss. “What are you doing? Come on.”

She flinches and turns, as if she’d forgotten that you were there and that she was currently in mortal danger. She shakes her head, like she’s coming out of trance.

“I- Yes. Forgive me. My mind drifted momentarily.” She adjusts her jacket and you catch a glimpse of something red being tucked inside. “Let us escape from the red-suited guards.”

“Yes. Agreed.” You and Calliope catch up with Jane just as she’s thrusting open the door to her office.

Inside, there’s a small desk with a suitcase on it and a wide window opening out onto the city and the bustling streets far below.

“I don’t know how we’re going to get out of here.” Jane wheezes, out of breath, as she lugs her suitcase off of her desk. “The stairs are blocked, the elevators have probably been shut down, there’s nothing left but the roof.”

“Do you think you can fly us out of here?” Calliope asks, turning to you.

“Yup.” Outside, in the hallway, you hear the sound of Orderlings approaching once more.

It’s about time they caught up.

“W-Wait.” Jane stammers. “Did you mention something about flying?!”

You step forward and take Jane’s suitcase from her hand.

“What’s in here?” You ask, shaking the heavy luggage.

“Just some clothes and- OH MY GOD WHY?!”

You toss her suitcase with all of your strength at the window, shattering it completely and letting the howling wind swirl into the office. Loose papers and notebooks flap in the sudden breeze, as you grab both Calliope and Jane by the arm and drag them towards the now very open window.

“Oh shit!” Jane shrieks as you hold her over the edge. “John! This is a really bad idea!”

Behind you, the door to Jane’s office is kicked open.

“Stick around!” In a rare moment of badassness, you look to Jane and wink. “I’m full of bad ideas!”

You leap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avatar: The Last Airbender Update! I have not watched any of Avatar: The Last Airbender in a long time. I fell off the wagon when they got to Bah Sing Sei and haven't gotten back on yet. Hopefully I'll start watching again soon before I forget all the shit that happened and have to start over from the beginning.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	59. INT 2 - PART 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to chillin, farfromgraceful, and KnightOfVoid22 for commenting.
> 
> Warning: Thoughts of suicide.

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are Jane Crocker. And you’re free!

Free falling!

You feel the wind tug and pull at the skin on your face and you resist the urge to squeeze your eyes shut behind your glasses. _This_ was most decidedly not a part of your original plan to bust John out of prison. You can see your suitcase, smashed on the ground below, John is grinning like a lunatic, there’s a strange alien girl under his other arm, and you’re probably about to die.

Looking back, you probably should have thought this out more.

“It’s more fun if you hold your arms up!” John yells over the wind. “Seriously, try it!”

“Shut the front, fucking door! There’s no way in hell that I’m doing that!” You scream back. “John! I thought you said you could fly!”

“I can! I was just trying to build some suspense!”

“Well stop suspending and start flying!”

John rolls his eyes and suddenly the wind howls louder than ever. Instead of continuing your descent to the ground though, you are slowed to a gentle glide of sorts that carries you over the city streets far below. You keep a tight grip on John, still wary of the fact that you’re still in grave danger.

“This is amazing!” Cheers the alien girl, who you guess is named Calliope. “I haven’t felt this… _free_ in a long time!”

“I know, right?” John responds. “Where do you want to go?”

That’s a good question. Where is safe from the watchful eye of the Condense? Absolutely nowhere that you can think of off the top of your head. Not your house, not the public library, not even that cute little coffee shop on the corner of your street.

“You have Freedom Fighter friends, right?” You ask John. “Can’t we go hide out with them?”

“I _had_ Freedom Fighter friends, but I’m pretty sure they’re all either hiding or dead, so…” He frowns apologetically. Then, suddenly becomes very excited. “Oh shit! I know where to go!”

“Where?”

“They bay! That’s where the old Freedom Fighter base was and where the portal to the medium is. We can escape!”

The bay. That’s where your father died. You have mixed feelings about going there, especially when John is tossing around strange words like _‘portal’_ and _‘the medium’_.

“What portal? What’s the medium?”

Strangely enough, it’s Calliope that answers your question.

“The portal activated through the use of the game that leads to the game world. John, how is this possible?” She asks.

“Long story short: The Condense created her own copy of SBURB to create a new world where she is supreme ruler, but I stole it and used it to send my friends to the medium. I suppose they escaped, because it worked! The Condense told me so.”

“What are you two talking about?” You demand. “The Condense already basically controls everything. How can she get _more_ power? What’s SBURB? I’m not going through some portal!”

“You have to.”

“Why?”

“Because we need your help.” John looks at you fully, staring straight into your eyes. “You trusted me enough to try and bust me out of that prison, right?” You nod and he continues. “Well you’ve got to trust me a little bit more, okay? You’re part of something _waaay_ bigger than you think.”

“Part of what?”

“A quest to save the universe, of course.”

“Right.” You roll your eyes. What else could it be? “I believe you mentioned something like that before.”

“Yup!”

John flies you out of the city, over the murky waters of the bay, and towards the ruined beach. The whole sandy strip of land is marked off with red tape, and you spot a small temporary building that’s been erected near the shore. That T-Building is probably full of Orderlings with big guns and even worse attitudes. You hope that John will be able to handle them.

With a landing, a little rougher than you would have liked, you, John, and Calliope touch down on the beach.

“Where’s the portal?” Calliope asks, scanning the area.

“Underground probably. This way.” John starts jogging across the sand and you struggle to keep up.

Over your shoulder, you keep an eye on the T-Building. No Orderlings have made an appearance yet, but you doubt it will stay that way for long. The Condense will probably radio all her forces to inform them of John’s escape.

You’re still looking over your shoulder when you slam into something hard and bounce back onto your ass.

John has come to an abrupt stop.

“John.” You hiss, climbing to your feet. “Why’d you stop? What’s up?”

He’s staring pointedly at a horribly blood-stained patch of sand, now a dirty brown instead of bright red.

“This is where she got me.” He says, pointing. “I thought I’d finally done it. I thought I’d finally died for good.”

“Why? Was it heroic?” Calliope asks curiously, examining the old blood.

“About as heroic as it gets, I think. Although, I guess it wasn’t really if I’m still here.” John turns to you suddenly. “This isn’t some stress-induced fever dream, is it? I mean, I’m not actually dead, am I?”

You walk up and pinch him as hard as you can on the arm. He cries out in pain and you just smile.

“Seems like you’re alive to me, John.” You say, as he rubs his arm. “Now, tell me more about this portal and how does it involve me?”

“Well,” John begins as he leads the way across the beach once more. “I suppose a good place as any to start, is that I’m from an alternate dimension. I came here to find people to help me and my friends save the universe.”

“And you think I’m one of these people?”

“I _know_ you’re one of these people.”

“But how?” You can’t help but feel like there’s some kind of mistake. “I’m not anything special.”

“For one, everyone is special in their own way.” John turns back to look at you again. “And secondly, I’m pretty sure that you’re an alternate version of my future granddaughter.”

Well, you didn’t see that coming.

“John. What the hell are you talking about?”

“If I may,” Calliope pipes up. “This is a classic example of The Scratch at work. Before I was removed from my game session, John, I compiled lots of research, as much as I could about the game. It’s the purpose of the reset feature, and those who activate it, to hand pick compatible players for the best results.”

“Yeah. Yeah. That’s old news.” John says quickly. “Just listen, Jane. I know that this doesn’t make much sense and I didn’t belive it either when I first heard it. But the Condense told me that I’m an alternate version of her son.”

“And my grandfather.” You finish. “A new heir to the throne…”

“What?”

“The Condense told me that she had a replacement heir for her empire and I guess that was you.” You explain. “Huh, I guess that makes more sense now that I know you’re related. Nice to meet you, by the way, Poppop.”

“Poppop?”

“That’s what I called you, well the other you, back when I was very little.”

“Yeah, please don’t call me that now.”

“I won’t.”

John leads you towards a square of concrete, awkwardly placed in the middle of the beach. There, in the center of the square, is a man-hole cover that appears to be welded shut.

“Fuck!” John curses. “They blocked off the entrance to the base!”

“The portal is down here?” Calliope asks, stooping to look at the hole.

“Yeah. I don’t know how we’re going to get to it though… Unless.” John turns and turns again, before turning one more time. He spins in a circle, looking out over the whole beach. “Alright, I think I’ve got an idea. I’ve done this once before and it worked out pretty well, although it might get a bit windy.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to drill a hole using my wind powers.” He explains cracking his knuckles. “I’ll uncover the portal and then we’ll head through. Piece of cake.”

He turns to walk away, but you take his arm.

“John. Tell me what’s on the other side of this _portal_. Why should I go with you? I mean, other than the fact that we’re apparently alternate universe related.”

“Well, you should come with me because if you stay here you’ll probably die.” Good point. “And as for what’s on the other side,” He gently pulls his arm out of your grip and pats you on the shoulder. “ _Friends_.”

Friends. You can count all the people you’ve ever considered as a friend on one hand, two fingers really. You’re father and Kyle, but then again, Kyle is everyone’s friend so you don’t really count him.

“You should come.” Calliope says. “The fact that this portal even exists on this world is a testament to the fact that it will probably be destroyed in the future. After we enter the medium, it will probably be destroyed instantaneously.”

“Earth is going to blow up? Why?”

“Because that’s the way it was meant to be probably. Although, in accordance with reset protocol, you fulfill the four player minimum requirement, therefore there’s no reason to prolong the inevitable. John and I are already players of the game, so our entrance will effect nothing. However, when you enter, the earth will end.”

“I don’t know if I want to end the world.”

“If you come with us, then you’ll be _saving_ it, per the rules of the game.”

You want to take a second to process what this fucking _alien_ is saying, but there’s just no time. John is already walking across the sand, presumably towards where he will attempt to drill through solid earth using only the breeze. You and Calliope retreat to a safe distance as he takes to the sky.

“I know we’ve just met like half an hour ago.” You turn to Calliope. “But do you think I’m cut out for world saving?”

Calliope thinks for a moment.

“I too had doubts of myself when I began my own journey.” She says. “You seem like an honest, kind person. If anyone can save the universe, it would be someone like that. Someone like you.”

“So, yes?”

“Yes.”

John spins like a top and descends into the earth with a deafening boom. Sand and rock flies up into the air and rains down upon you in a dusty shower. As he disappears below ground, you turn back to the T-Building and watch as Orderlings, alerted by the noise, begin piling out of the structure.

“He better hurry up.” You say, pointing out the guards to Calliope.

“You have that.” Calliope points to the Junior Battermaster's Bowlbuster Stirring Solution 50000 that hangs from your belt. “Surely, you can hold them off whilst John finishes his drill job.”

“I just grabbed this. I have no fighting experience.” You draw the weapon anyway though, and give the button on the handle a push. The spoon morphs and transforms into a fork, perfect for poking bitches. “I’d much rather we got out of here before _they_ get here.”

However, it seems unlikely that that will be the case. John is still kicking up dirt and the Orderlings are running towards the scene across the beach. In a matter of seconds, they’ll be upon you and you’ll either have to fight or be taken into custody. Or worse, _killed_.

 The first Orderling is less than ten yards away. You shove Calliope behind you and raise your fork.

“HALT!” Shrieks a familiar voice.

You look up to see the Condense descend from the sky between you and her Orderling forces.

“DROP YOUR WEAPONS! STAND DOWN!” She orders her guards. As the Orderlings do as they’re told, your great-grandmother turns to you. “You, young lady, have a lot of explaining to do!”

“Shut up!” You yell at her. “I don’t have anything to explain to _you_. We are _done_ professionally!”

“Oh really? You’re going to do this?” She gestures around the beach. “You’re going to pull this shit now? Why, of all times, are you picking now to be a rebellious brat?”

“Because now I have a way out!” You grip your fork and hold it steady, in an attempt to keep her at bay. “Just stay away from me.”

The Condense’s lip drawls up into a growl. She looks from you, to Calliope, and finally to the dust devil of wet dirt and earth that’s being propelled into the sky behind you. She clenches her fists, tightening her grip on her double-sided trident, and you prepare for her to attack. However, she simply shakes her head.

“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.” She sighs and drags a hand down her face, causing the many bangles on her wrist to jingle. “Jane, I thought you were smarter than this. I thought you were more _sensible._ ” She points with her spear towards where John is digging. “You’ve allowed this _criminal’s_ lies to warp your mind. It’s my fault really. You were left emotionally weak after your father’s death and I wasn’t there for you.”

She takes a step towards you and you retreat half a step, making sure to keep your fork raised. She continues:

“But I’m here now.” Her voice drips the disgusting saccharine typical of the great-grandmother of rumors past, the type that you were never entitled to.  “Come on, Jane. Let’s forget all of this ever happened. Forget whatever that lunatic told you.” She extends her hand. “Let’s take you somewhere safe.”

You waver for a moment, but feel the edges of Calliope’s nails as she digs her fingers into your shoulder gently. Then you remember everything. All that she said, all that John said, all that you’ve seen or heard. You understand what you’ve got to do and allowing yourself to be taken by this _monster_ is definitely not it.

“Suck a hundred demon dicks in the underworld, bitch!” You thrust your fork towards her, hoping to impale her and get this dastardly act over and out of the way before you have time to think twice about it.

She catches your fork an inch from her gut and tugs it from your grasp.

“Wrong move.” She growls, tossing your weapon to the ground.

Magical energy swirls around her limbs and dark smoke rises from her now milky-white eyes. You try to retreat, but bump into Calliope, who has become frozen with fear. The Condense approaches, as her Orderling guards begin to fill in your peripherals and surround you in a loose circle.

“Like grandfather, like father, like daughter I suppose.” The Condense raises her trident. You know that you’re about to be impaled thrice times over. “Say _hi_ to your dad for me.”

You close your eyes and brace for the fatal impact.

However, it never comes. Instead, you receive a mouthful of dirt as the ground beneath your feet suddenly explodes upwards. You’re thrown backwards into Calliope and take her down with you as you hit the ground. Somewhere above, you can hear the frightening roars of the Condense and the many startled shouts of her Orderling troops.

You open your eyes, but find that your glasses have been coated with dirt and are now essentially unusable. Before you can get to clean them though, a pair of hands grab you by the shoulder.

“Back off!” You shout, lashing out at the offending appendages.

“Take it easy. It’s me.” John’s voice pierces your veil of confusion.

Using your fingers to wipe the mud from your glasses, you see his blurry, grinning face, covered in dirt and silhouetted against the sun. He pulls you to your feet.

“Where is she?” You ask immediately.

John just points down the beach to where the Condense is furiously disentangling herself from underneath a pile of stunned Orderlings.

“We should get going. I found the portal.” He stoops and grabs Calliope, hauling her to her feet as well. “Are you alright?”

“A little shaky, but unharmed.” The alien girl puts a hand to her forehead and winces. “My brother wishes to come out and join the fun.”

Before you can question that bizarre yet interesting statement, John continues:

“Well, tell him that now isn’t a good time.” He grabs Calliope by the arm and begins to run. You do your best to keep up on the wet sand.

Behind you, there is a loud _boom_ followed by more shouts. You risk a glance over your shoulder and see that your great-grandmother has decided to blast her way out from underneath her employees to reach you. She is now flying towards you, with her trident raised.

“John!”

“It’s right here!” John comes to a halt at the edge of a large, rectangular pit. At the bottom is a mountain of sand, covering a table and what looks to be like several ruined computers. There, in the corner, is a swirling mass of odd, red energy that you guess must be the portal. “It will close after you go though, so make sure we’re in first.”

“Better get going then!” You step forward and shove John in the back, taking both him and Calliope over the edge and down into the pit.  You eat another mouthful of sand when you land, but it’s worth it to avoid the magical lightning bolt that flies over head, burning the air where you were just standing.

You scramble to your feet and run with John and Calliope towards the portal. It’s only feet away. You can make-

An explosion of pain in your leg rips a scream from your lips as something pierces your calf. You stumble and fall on your hands and knees, painfully pinned to the ground by the Condense’s trident.

John skids to a halt, looking with wide eyes over his shoulder.

“Go!” He shouts to Calliope, who continues into the portal and disappears. Welp. At least she made it.

Blinking back tears, you twist your neck and watch as the Condense drops down into the pit. Here you are, trapped and crippled between your great-grandmother and an alternate version of your grandfather, mere feet away from escaping and what feels like seconds away from death.

“I should have killed both of you when I had the chance!” Roars the Condense as she steps forward. “It was stupid of me to think that _either_ of you worthless, pieces of shits would be useful to me at all!”

You reach back and grip the double-sided trident that’s holding your leg in place. Biting back another scream, you try to tug it free. It budges slightly, but remains firmly, and painfully, lodged in place. You keep trying.

“If you let us go, then I promise that we will save this world.” John appeals to the Condense. “That includes _you_. You’ll be a part of our world. I mean, probably not as some ruthless tyrannical bitch, but still! I’ll personally make sure that you aren’t bad off.”

“You think you can barter with me!” With a wave of her hand, the trident rips itself from your leg and flies back into her waiting hand. You scream again and fight the white blotches that are beginning to appear on the edges of your vision. “Your fate is sealed John Egbert! You die today!”

Several things happen at once. First, you feel the wind pick up. It races and runs past you, tugging your clothes and hair towards John and the portal. You allow yourself to be picked up along with the powerful breeze and swept towards John. Secondly, the Condense throws her trident for a final time. You watch it’s golden, gleaming, blood-stained blades fly towards you. And then…

You feel John’s arms wrap around your middle, all you can see is white, and then there is nothing but silence. 

You’re vaguely aware of voices. People are talking and shouting. John’s hands leave you and others take you by the arms and legs, gentle hands and words. For the first time in a long time, you truly feel _safe_.

* * *

=> Be Meenah Peixes

You are now Meenah Peixes.

You stand in the ruins of the Freedom Fighter base, staring in horror at the wall of the pit where your trusty double-sided trident is currently buried in the concrete. A second before, there had your great-grandaughter, John Egbert, and a portal. Now, there is nothing but silence.

Although your body is frozen with shock, your mind races.

This isn’t over. You have another copy of SBURB in the works. You can get it working. You can get some players together. You can go after them and slaughter them for _real_ this time.

You can still _win_.

Then you feel it, a change in the wind, a quiet whisper, and a subtle chill that somehow takes all the heat from your bones.

You turn around and find _him_ standing at the lip of the pit.

His green skin shimmers in the daylight, his Cairo Overcoat ripples in the breeze, and his billiard-ball eyes flash in a maddening dance of color.

“W- What?!” You demand, doing your best to hide the wobble of fear in your voice. “Do you n-need something?”

He simply stands there, gazing down upon you.

“So they got away, is that really such a big deal?” You wish he’d say something. “I thought you didn’t care about the humans! Why…” It hits you suddenly, like a knife to the gut. “T-That cherub you told me to watch…”

He reaches a hand into his coat.

“Whoa! Whoa! Don’t worry! I’ll get the cherub back! I’ll go do it right now! I have a plan, you see-“ You’re still rambling when he pulls out a golden scepter from the depths of his coat. “WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?! WHAT’S SO IMPORTANT-“

 **YOU ARE DEAD**.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently pondering an intriguing course of action. You’re sitting in the temple ruins, spending some quality time with your daughtermom. In the days after her arrival, you’ve grown closer. Kinda. Everyone else, the humans left and the trolls left, are either gathered nearby or attending to one task or another elsewhere.

Karkat, for instance, is sitting on a workbench close by, being poked and prodded by Dirk and Terezi.

“Up.” Commands Dirk, tapping Karkat on the shoulder. “Move up.”

“I am moving up!”

“No you aren’t.” Dirk consults a computer. “I’m seeing zero brain activity.”

“No surprise there!” Cackles Terezi, from where she stands by Karkat’s side.

“Eat a bag of bulges!” Curses Karkat. Angrily, he grabs his new robotic leg and pulls it upwards. “See. It’s up. Are you happy now?!”

“I think I need to recalibrate the neural links.” Dirk sighs, rubbing his chin. “Here, Terezi. Hold him back like this. I need to pop the knee off for a second.”

“If this takes more than a second, _you’re_ going to be the one who gets popped, you pointy-headed shit!”

You stand up, thinking that you might find more peace and quiet outside.

“Where are you going?” Asks Roxy and Kanaya in unison. You had been sat between them.

“Just outside.” You explain with only a touch of exasperation. “I fear that amount of hot air being expunged in here might be detrimental to me health, physical and mental.”

“I’ll go with you.” Says Roxy. “I could use some fresh air too.”

“I think I’d rather have some alone time, if it’s all the same to you.” You chew your lip, half out of guilt and half out of hope. As much as you’d like to converse further with your daughtermom, you’d appreciate it if she gave you a little space.

“Oh, yeah.” She falls back onto her hands. “That’s cool. I’ll catch you later then?”

“Of course.” You turn to leave, but not before receiving a pointed look from Kanaya.

You smile, but she refuses to return the gesture. She knows you too well to buy your shoddy excuses. Hopefully, by the time she covertly slips away to find you, it will already be too late.

You make your way away from the group and towards the temple entrance. On the way, you pass by the tented portion of the temple that Dave and Jade have quarantined as theirs.

“I get it.” Dave’s voice sounds muted from this far away, almost strained. “Seriously. It’s cool, babe. I get it a hundred percent.”

“Are you sure?” Jade sounds worried. You probably shouldn’t be hearing this. “I mean, I don’t want to come across as… rude or silly or…”

“Don’t.” Dave interrupts her. “Don’t feel like that. It’s cool. How many times do I gotta say it?”

“A hundred thousand more times.” Jade sighs heavily. “It’s not you, Dave. It’s just…”

“You don’t want to move too quickly. I got it. It’s cool. It’s so cool. I can’t even describe how cool…”

You walk away then, careful to keep your footfalls as silent as possible. Quickly, you scurry out of the temple and towards the cluster of graves near the wall.

“Ahoy!” Greets Jake, a little too loudly.

“Hello, Jake.” You smile. “All quiet out here?”

“Not a peep.” He rests his hands on his twin pistols and stares out across the rocky surface of the meteor. “I suppose that Jack Noir really did jump ship, huh?”

“It would seem that way.”

“Yeah...” Jake glances towards the graves. “I forgot to say this earlier, but it sucks that your friend died. It sounds like he was a nice bloke.”

“He was.” You also glance at Equius’s grave. Only for a moment though. “Listen, Jake. Why don’t you go inside? I’ll take over keeping watch. My shift is next anyways and I would like some alone time.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” Jake rubs the back of his neck. “Alrighty then. Let me know if you need anything.”

You simply nod and allow Jake to step around you and disappear back into the temple ruins. You lean against the wall and take a deep breath and look up at the stars. There are no constellations or discernible shapes among the swirling ball of fire and gas, but that doesn’t make them any less pretty to look at.

 After waiting a few minutes, to make sure that you will not be disturbed, you reach a hand into the sash tied around your waist. The golden ring is warm against your palm, almost like a tiny sun, or maybe like one of the pretty stars above.

You hold it up to your eyes, delicately clutching it between two fingers.

You need John.

Not because you feel attracted to him. Not because you’re lost without your leader. Not because he’s useful or powerful or smart or any number of other things. You don’t need him because of some lopsided teenage pining bullshit or because of all the things left unsaid.

You need him because he was your friend. He was Dave’s and Jade’s and Karkat’s and Roxy’s and _everyone’s_ friend.

Pulling out one of your wands, you press the cold tip to the underside of your jaw. You aren’t a hundred percent sure on how well this should work. One spell and you should find yourself in the void. You can give John this ring. You can bring him back.

You close your eyes. It’s easier this way, just like at the bottom of the sea on LOLAR, it’s easier when you pretend not to know that it’s coming.

A second before you commit to your plan, there’s a flash of light, bright enough to burn your vision beneath your eyelids.

You open your eyes and find a column of white erupting into the sky in the distance. For a second, you’re simply confused by the odd sight. There’s nothing out there that could cause such a display, other than the silver ring that bridged the medium with…

You start to run, ignoring the sounds of shouts from within the temple. Your friends have noticed it as well, but you do not care. There’s only one _friend_ that you’re concerned with at the moment.

By the time you reach the lip of the crater, your lungs are burning. However, it’s nothing compared to the pounding of your heart, which has grown to be almost painful. At the bottom of the crater, in the middle of the glowing circle, are three prone forms.

You dash down the slope and fall on your knees by his side.

“We made it.” He grins as you stare, open-mouthed down at him. “Rose?”

“Y- Yeah. You made it back.” You gaze into his blue eyes, the bluest you’ve ever seen. “And I’m never letting go of you again.”

And then you kiss him, fully and deeply, where everyone can see.

You’d ask him later about the green-skinned creature by his side and the new mystery girl who’s steadily coating the ground in her own blood.

For right now though, as far as you’re concerned, it’s just you: Rose Lalonde and John Egbert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GRRRRRIIIIIMMMMMDDDOOOOOOooooOOOOoooOOOooooooorrrrrrkkkss. ARGHURAGHAHURAH- IIIIIIIIIiiiii need to get out more :/
> 
> Watch Over the Garden Wall.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	60. INT 2 - PART 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jeedies, arisin_demon, Dakin, and farfromgraceful for commenting.

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means that everything is going good!

Seriously, everything seems to be coming up millhouse at the moment.

You and Jane have escaped from the Condense. You’ve been reunited with your friends. Yeah, Karkat lost his leg, but look on the bright side: now he’s part robot. Roxy, Dirk, Jake, and Jane seem to be getting along with everyone.

Oh, and you have a girlfriend again.

“Stop fidgeting.” Orders Rose sternly.

Under any other circumstances, you probably would have jokingly responded with some kind of defensive comeback. Something like: _‘I’m not fidgeting.’_ Or _‘you’re one to talk, miss nail-biter’_. However, this time you simply smile and mutter a quiet _‘sorry’_.

You’re sitting on a cot in the ruins of the temple, Rose is sitting next to you and applying a healing salve to one of the many cuts and bruises pockmarking your back and arms, and Jane is snoozing quietly in the next bed. Her leg is wrapped in a large amount of bandage and she has yet to awake, which is a little troubling.

You plan on staying by her side until she does. It might be best for her to see a familiar face after all the crap she went through.

“There.” Rose dabs a final spot on your shoulder, causing you to wince. “You’re effectively salved-up. You should feel the pain begin to become numb, as well as a slight tingling in your extremities.”

“Really?” You flex your fingers in front of your face. Her knowledge about pretty much everything never ceases to amaze you. “How do you know that?”

Rose holds up a small box.

“Says so on the label.”

“Oh. Haha.” You’re still smiling at her and she doesn’t fail to notice, of course.

“What’s got you all smiley?” She asks, although she’s smiling slightly herself.

“Just… nothing.” You shake your head and avert your gaze. Almost subconsciously, your hand finds her knee and gives it a solid squeeze. “It’s good to see you again. For a while, back there, I wasn’t sure I would.”

Rose’s hand covers yours, pinning your fingers between her warm skin.

“How did you escape?”

“Heh, man. _That_ is a story.” You chuckle again. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“Why not begin where it _almost_ ended?” Rose seizes your chin and pulls your head around so that your eyes meet hers. “You should be dead, John.”

“I know.” You swallow hard. “I- I don’t know why I’m still here.”

Her grip on you tightens.

“Well you _are_ and, in the end, I suppose that’s all that really matters. Although, I’m still interested to hear your side of the story.”

 “I just remember… being stabbed.” You rub the back of your neck with your free hand. “And then, waking up. The Condense never explained anything fully, and I mean _never_. It was always some big secret or something that I didn’t deserve to know. I honestly think she was just fucking with me most of the time.”

“You were her prisoner.”

“Yeah. Jane over there,” You nod over to the comatose girl. “Helped me escape my cell, kinda. Well, not really. I did that part myself. Did you know that I could turn into wind?”

“Wind?” Rose blinks in surprise. “Hmmm. That _is_ interesting. I suppose it makes sense, considering your aspect. Could I perhaps see a demonstration?”

“Oh geez. I dunno. I’ll try, I guess.” You hold up your hand again and set your gaze on the bandage-wrapped fingers. You imagine the digits turning into wind and disappearing from view.

Nothing happens. It tingles a bit, but you suppose that’s just from the medicine. After a tense minute of silence and focus, you give up.

“Maybe stressful situations trigger the transformation. That raises an intriguing possibility. I wonder what abilities we _all_ possess, abilities that might just be waiting to be unlocked.”

As she talks, she takes your hand in hers and examines the palm, much like a fortune teller would, albeit with a little more tenderness. She pokes at the flesh of your hand with her index finger, as if expecting it to give way. It doesn’t, of course, but you’re more than comfortable with allowing her to experiment to her heart’s content.

“Yeah. Like maybe you could turn into light, if the situation’s right.” You offer.

“Doubtful. My role as seer is generally considered to be more passive than yours. Still, it would be interesting to find out exactly what sort of powers I still don’t know I possess.” Rose releases you and takes a second to adjust her headband before continuing: “So you turned into wind and escaped your cell, then what?”

“Then me, Jane, and Calliope flew to the beach and took the portal here.” You shrug. “That’s pretty much it. Not really all that exciting of a story now that I think about it.”

“Tell me about Calliope.” Rose glances towards the opposite side of the temple where Calliope is supposed to be resting as well, under watch by Jake and Kanaya.

You don’t understand why everyone is so mistrustful of aliens, even when you vouch for them, and especially when a significant portion of your numbers is now extra-terrestrial. Damara, for example, was essentially a prisoner until recently. Now look at her, she’s like a full team member. Hopefully, it won’t take another life-threatening event to get Calliope up a few rungs on the friend-ladder.

You tell Rose about Calliope. How she was also a prisoner, that she is familiar with SBURB, and about her _unique_ bond with her brother. Rose’s eyebrows rise so much during your explanation that they’re in serious danger of disappearing into her bangs. She takes special interest in Caliborn.

“Two minds in one body.” She summarizes. “I wonder if that is typical of their race, whatever it is, and if there’s a way we could possibly separate them.”

“If we could, that would be awesome. Caliborn is a real dick.” You explain. “Calliope is cool though. I think you’d like her.”

“Hmmm. Yes. Perhaps I’ll talk to her later, when we meet to plan our next step.”

“Next step?”

“Yes. Now that we’ve got these new players,” She gestures to Jane. “There are a many things that we must do, new lands to explore, new quests to complete, denizens to defeat. With Jack Noir vanquished, the path ahead is actually clear for us to have a chance to beat this game once and for all.”

“Is Jack Noir really gone though?” You hate to be _that_ guy, but you need to ask. “I mean, you guys didn’t really kill him, did you?”

“No. He escaped.” Her eyes harden. “But he’s wounded and powerless. Most likely, he crawled away to die alone in some hole.”

“But we don’t know for sure.”

Rose shakes her head, _‘no’_. Upon first hearing the full story of their encounter with Jack Noir, you’d been worried, then relieved, and now… now you just feel a little guilty. The golden ring is now in your friend’s possession. You can take it and give it to Vriska if you want. You promised that you would.

And yet…

You watch Rose rub at her eyes. For the first time, you realize just how tired she looks and instantly feel guilty for bothering her with your stupid questions.

Vriska and the golden ring can wait. There are other things, more pleasant things, that you can manage right now.

“Hey,” You take her by the arm and gently pull her towards you. “Come here.”

She presses into you and allows you to drag her backwards onto the cot. You wrap your arm around her shoulders and fit her perfectly into the crook of your arm. The cot is small, but somehow you both manage to fit onto the canvas comfortably.

Rose lets out a tiny sigh as she sinks deeper against you bruised side. You ignore the tingling pain and simply enjoy the surprising amount of warmth that radiates from her body and into yours. Tentatively, you press a small kiss to the crown of her head, just beside the headband, and earn a tiny squirm in response.

“Surprisingly… comfortable.” She comments after a while, wriggling once more to get comfortable. “Although you could do with a little more padding.”

“Like, you’re one to talk. I feel like I’m spooning a little pile of bones.”

“Morbid and a little insulting. Congratulations, you’re certainly doing a good job of setting this relationship off to a good start.”

“Sorry.”

Her neck twists and through the feathery locks of her hair, you can see two, deep, violet orbs. Rose’s eyes have always been a novelty, a second Elizabeth Taylor if there ever was one. Regardless of how cheesy it sounds, you feel like you could lose yourself in those eyes.

“Don’t be.”

Her body stretches, slowly, luxuriously, almost cat-like so that her lips meet yours. It’s deeper and more heart-felt than your first kiss earlier, immediately upon your re-entrance to the medium. It’s warmer than the kiss on top of the spire on LOWAS and less messy than the one that took place in the salamander village, at the bottom of a glassful of vodka.

Out of all your kisses, with Rose or whoever else, this one, _right now_ , is your absolute favorite.

“Uh…”

You and Rose separate quickly. Over in the next cot, Jane is looking at you with a mixture of alarm and confusion.

 “I… guess we made it?” She prompts warily.

“Yeah, we made it.” You wrap your arm around Rose’s waist and pull her closer once more. “Go back to sleep, Jane. For like, five more minutes, okay?”

“Okay.”

“No!” Rose puts a hand on your chest, holding you at bay. “We can continue this little foray into the realms of mutual intimacy at a later date.” She rolls out of the cot and quickly readjusts her robes to a more decent state of being. “Forgive us, Jane. It’s nice to meet you. I am Rose Lalonde.”

“Rose Lalonde?” Jane echoes. Suddenly, recognition lights up her face. “I’ve heard of you! You’re the famous Freedom Fighter who kicked my great-grandmother’s ass! Well, before she killed you of course.”

“What?” Rose frowns. “I don’t think _any_ version of me would kick an elderly woman’s ass.”

“Oh no! It was okay. My great-grandmother was the Condense.” Jane makes a move to get out of bed, but notices the bandages wrapped around her leg. “Uh. I would get up and shake your hand, but I’m afraid that I’m a little… hurt.”

“No need to get up.” Rose steps forward and adjusts Jane’s leg so that it more comfortably rests atop a stack of pillows. “You continue to rest and build up strength. You’re going to have to be at the top of your game soon enough.”

“What happens now?” Jane’s question is directed at you.

“I think we’ll be explaining everything to everyone later.” You sit up as well. “There’s a lot of things we have to talk about when everyone’s ready.”

“How many people are here?”

“A lot.” Rose answers. “You’ll meet them soon enough. For now, continue to rest.”

The curtain surrounding your collective beds is suddenly thrust aside, revealing none other than Dave Fucking Strider in the opening.

“Sup, Bro.” Dave nods at you, smirking. “You’re like cancer, huh? You just keep coming back. Good thing too. I dunno what we would do without you and you’re incredible durability.”

“It’s good to see you too, Dave.” You can’t help but grin at your friend, ignoring his rather unsavory metaphor.

“Yeah, that goes without saying.” Dave spots Rose and Jane. “Sup, Sis. Sup, John’s hot daughter.”

Rose rolls her eyes, Jane looks completely baffled, and you quickly change the subject.

“Uh, did you just come by to say _‘hi’_ or what?” You ask, getting to your feet.

“I suppose I need a formal reason to visit my best bro now, huh? Fine. Whatever.” Dave stands to the side, holding open the flap in the curtain. “Put on a shirt, make yourself decent, and get out here. The green alien babe is asking for you.”

You quickly comb your hair as best you can, give a quick goodbye to Rose and Jane, and follow Dave out into the temple ruins proper. You’re still buttoning up your shirt when you arrive at the fence surrounding the pit in the center of the ruins.

Jake is standing nearby with Kanaya. They’re both looking down into the pit where Calliope sits, nervously twiddling her thumbs.

“John!” Jake grins when he sees you. “It’s great to see you again, mate. It was a real bummer to hear that you were kaput.”

“Uh, yeah. Same.” You glance over his shoulder, towards where Kanaya is intently examining the nails on her left hand. “Hey, Kanaya.”

She starts when you speak her name and turns to face you. The pretty female troll looks as well-kept as always, maybe a little tired, but put together nonetheless. You like Kanaya and you don’t want your new (or is it old) relationship with Rose to bring up any animosity.

“It’s good to have you back.” She says, smiling pleasantly. “For a while, I was of the belief that you’d left us for good.”

“Well,” You step up and quickly embrace her. “Someone told me not to die and I’m pretty good at doing what I’m told.”

For a moment, she remains stiff in your arms, and then gradually, almost tentatively, she returns the embrace.

“A rare and valuable quality in a leader,” She speaks quietly. “It really is good to see you, John.”

“Yeah. You too.” You pull away and turn your attention to the matter at hand. “Calliope was asking for me?”

“Yes.” Kanaya peeks over the fence and down into the pit once more. “She said it was urgent, although I cannot think of what concerns she may have.”

“More like, what concerns _doesn’t_ she have.” Dave adds, joining your side. “She probably has a lot of questions.”

“I dunno.” You rub at your chin. “If anything she probably knows more than I do. She played SBURB too, before she was kidnapped and given to the Condense.”

“By who?”

You shrug in response. Their guess is as good as yours.

“You wouldn’t happen to know what kind of alien she is, would you, Kanaya?”

“I can’t say I do, no.” Kanaya shakes her head. “I suppose there’s only one way to find out.”

“Yeah, true.” You open the fence gate and lower the rope ladder down into pit.

“You want back-up?” Dave asks from above.

“No, I’m good. Calliope had plenty of time to hurt me before if she wanted.” You begin to descend. “I trust her.”

Both Kanaya and Dave look a bit skeptical, although you have no earthly idea why. You’re pretty much an alien expert nowadays with all the alien babes you’re always hanging out with. You drop down to the floor of the pit, where Calliope is waiting patiently.

“Hey.” You begin, approaching her. “How are you doing?”

“Oh. N- Not so good I’m afraid.” Calliope has her arms tightly wrapped around her middle. “I fear that you’ve made a mistake by setting me free and bringing me here.”

“I couldn’t leave you in that cell,” You kneel by her side. “What’s the matter? Are you sick?”

“Not sick, not by any conventional terms.” She smiles weakly. “I’m tired, John. So very tired.”

“That’s understandable. Yesterday was pretty exciting.”

“Indeed.”

“Why don’t you sleep for a while?” You nod towards the ladder. “We can get you out of here, put you in a real bed. Kinda. The cots aren’t very comfortable, but they’re better than the floor.”

“No i-it’s best that I stay down here.” She pulls her legs tighter to her chest. “And I cannot sleep, John. Fore when I do, _he_ will take control.”

“Caliborn.”

“Yes, and you know that he is much less pleasant company than I.” Her eyes go a little distant, taking on an almost glazed quality. “I do not know what he is planning, but I know he’s excited about something. It was selfish of me to accompany you. I’ve put everyone you care about in danger.”

“I don’t think so.”

“That is because you do not know.” Her eyes sharply regain focus. “Do you know where we are, John?”

“The bottom of a pit?”

“No, besides that.”

“On a meteor.”

“We’re in a temple.” She gestures towards the ruined ceiling. “A Cherub temple, built by my forerunners, leftovers from my own session. What you think of as an artifact was once a home, much like the one I once lived in.”

“So? What does that mean?”

“It means, that coveted Cherub secrets reside within these crumbling walls. Caliborn could commit great evil in a place like this.”

“How do we stop him?”

“You’ll have to kill me.”

Welp. That’s something you most _definitely_ do not want to do. You sigh and rub at your tired eyes, buying time to think of some kind of alternative.

“Calliope.” You shift closer to her. “That’s not going to happen.”

“Then you cannot stop him.” She says immediately. “Either you kill me now and him as well, or you wait for him to emerge. Then I cannot guarantee that he will not hurt you or your friends. In the end, you will not be rid of him without disposing of me as well.”

“There has to be a way to separate you guys, magic or science, or something.”

 “If a method for separating us exists, then I know not what it could be. My bond with my brother is a unique one, a sort of oddity not seen among our race or any other as far as my research on the subject has gone. Typically, Cherubs born with dual personalities eventually have one personality that dominates over the other. This was not the case with us.”

“You’ve been a prisoner for a while, too long really. Things may have changed. There has to be something we can do.” You get to your feet. “We’ll figure something out, okay? In the meantime, just… try to stay awake.”

“I will do my best.” Calliope positions herself uncomfortably against the wall. “John, I cannot apologize enough for allowing my thirst for freedom to cloud my judgment. We should not be here.”

“Well it’s my fault that you are here, so don’t feel bad.” You start up the ladder once more. “Let me know if you need anything else.”

Kanaya and Dave are still waiting when you climb back to the surface. Dave offers you his hand and pulls you the last few feet out of the pit.

“So, long story short,” You slap dust from your pants. “Calliope shares a body with her evil brother Caliborn and if she goes to sleep, then Calliope will take control of her body and totally screw everything up.”

“So what do we do?” Kanaya asks, automatically accepting your strange explanation.

“Just keep an eye on her, I guess. If Caliborn does take control, then we’ll just have to keep him locked up.”

“We can’t have someone watching over her twenty-four seven.” Dave points out. “Especially when we start traveling again. If we’re going to beat this thing once and for all, then we’ll have to leave this stupid temple eventually.”

“I wanna see if there’s any way we can separate them.” You explain. “Like maybe transfer Caliborn into something less threatening, like a pineapple or something. Kanaya, do you think you could…”

“Start researching? Of course, I’m on it.” She finishes, quickly hurrying away.

“Could you get everyone together?” You ask Dave next. “I think it’s time we had a meeting.”

* * *

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are now Jane Crocker. Help, I’m steppin into the twilight zone!

Not only are you chilling with alternate universe Poppop, but you’re also surrounded by a bunch of grey-skinned aliens with horns and strange attitudes. Like, you’re pretty sure that one with the cane tried to lick you just now. What’s up with that?

Anyways, with John and Rose’s help, you hobble on your busted leg out of bed and into the center of the temple where a group has begun to congregate.

Sitting in a loose circle, are five other humans and two trolls, whose names you do not know. John and Rose lower you to the ground, between a girl with dog ears and a boy with pointed shades and suddenly all eyes are on you.

“Jane,” John points around the group. “This is the gang. Meet Dirk, Roxy, Jake, Terezi, Kanaya, Dave, and Jade. Gang, meet Jane.”

“Hi, Jane.” Everyone says in unison, giving you the impression that you’ve just been indoctrinated into some sort of support group.

“I know you.” Mutters the guy, named Dirk, as he leans close. “You’re the great-grandaughter of the Condense.”

His words gain the attention of Roxy and Jake as well, who each give you wary looks.

“Um,” You proclaim, thinking quickly. “I- I sort of rebelled after she killed my dad, set John free, tried to kill her, and escaped here. So… I’m not one of the bad guys?”

“That’s enough for me!” Cheers Roxy. She very quickly leans around Dirk and gives you a loose hug. “Welcome to the team, Jane. I like you. We’re friends now.”

“Okay.”

“Where’s Karkat!?” Asks the troll, Terezi, loudly as she sniffs the air. “He should be here for this.”

“He’s taking a rest right now,” Explains Dirk. “Calibrating his new leg is taking longer than I thought. I’ll need more time before he’s walking around again.”

“Think again, Strider Bitch.” A loud, and slightly angry, voice joins the group. You turn to see another cripple limping towards the circle quickly. It’s a third troll, clothed in a turtleneck sweater, with cute, nubby horns on his head. This must be Karkat. “The kitten whispers and tickle-fights stop here. It’s time we dug out hands into the pails and really got to work.”

John hold his hand out to Karkat, in an attempt to initiate a handshake, but the troll just slaps his hand away before taking a seat.

“Who’s the new meat sack?”

“This is Jane.” John takes a seat between Karkat and Rose. “She’s my alternate universe grandaughter and she’s here to help.”

“Well let’s hope you didn’t inherit the _‘useless waste of space’_ gene from Egbert.” Karkat glares around the group. “Is this really all that we have left?”

“Damara is outside watching the temple entrance.” Pipes up the pretty troll, named Kanaya. She then points towards an oddly-placed fence nearby. “And Calliope is in the pit.”

“Calliope.” Karkat repeats, almost ruefully. “Like we needed something _else_ to worry about. Where do we stand on her?”

“I’m using the resources available to search for any sort of method that we could use to separate Calliope and Caliborn’s consciousness.” Answers Kanaya again. “I’ve just begun, so I haven’t found anything yet.”

“She’s dead weight if you ask me.” Dirk causally adds. “What does she bring to the table?”

“She’s smart,” Defends John. “And she was a prisoner just like me. Jane and I couldn’t leave here there alone.”

“Killing her is out of the question.” Rose says.

“What about exile?” Terezi offers. “That worked with Nepeta.”

“I’m pretty sure that came back to bite us in the ass, Tz.” Responds Dave. “Also, I don’t think I could go through that again, especially when this alien broad’s only crime is simply _existing_.”

“She stays with us.” John finishes. “I brought her here, so I’ll watch over her. She’s my responsibility.”

“I’ll help!” Adds the dog-eared girl, Jade. “Caliborn is supposed to be really dangerous, right? So it’ll take more than one of us to keep him under control.”

“Alright. Alright. Alright.” Karkat gains the attention. “Against all rhyme or reason, Calliope is staying, but if _this_ comes back to haunt us, it will be on your ass Egbert.” Everyone silently agrees. “So, I guess the next order of business is what we do now that the game has been reset and we’ve got these new players.”

“That is a more straightforward question,” Rose rises and steps into the middle of the circle. Under her arm, she holds a laptop, which she places on the ground and proceeds to type in a complex-looking series of keys. After a moment, a faint beam of light rises from the laptop’s screen and illuminates the air above. It’s a rather poor hologram of… something. You think it’s supposed to be the galaxy, but everything is just so garbled and gross it’s hard to tell. “As you can see, new lands have been added to the medium.”

Rose gestures towards a spherical mass of color in the very center of the starry mess. It’s a patchwork of a planet, larger than the other masses around it, yet smaller than the two glowing suns in the outer edges of the model.

“In order to beat SBURB we must travel back whence we came and assist our new players in completing the quest for their respective lands. After that, the seven gates will align, allowing us to travel to Skaia itself and create our new universes.”

“Oh, yeah.” Dave smirks. “That sounds so straightforward. Let’s not forget that it’s sort of important that we get all these greenies to god tier ASAP, find and kill Jack Noir, and find my Bro.”

“Well yes, but I don’t foresee any moral obligations complicating those tasks.” Rose walks under the hologram and points towards a small speck near the edge of the projection. “We are here. We need to get,” She points towards the collection of lands again. “Here.”

“How do we do that?” Asks Roxy.

“I was hoping that Jade might be the answer to that problem.” Rose turns to her friend. “Do you think you could work some more space magic if the situation called for it?”

Jade scratches behind her dog ears, screwing up her face in thought.

“Maaaayybe?” She shrugs. “That’s a pretty long and precise jump. I could… miss or something.”

As she talks, John gets to his feet as well and examines the confusing map of stars, suns, and planet. After a moment of walking, he comes to a stop underneath a black patch of nothingness.

“What if we didn’t need to travel all the way there ourselves?” He says. “What if there was a portal that led from the furthest ring all the way to LOWAS?”

Rose’s face brakes into a large smile, strangely out of place on her small head.

“Specifically, to the basement of a castle in LOWAS.” She continues. “John, you’re a genius.”

“Well…” John rubs the back of his neck, blushing. “I dunno…”

“Yeah, okay. It’s a good idea.” Karkat interjects. “But doesn’t jumping headfirst in a pit full of eldritch monsters seem a tad bit dangerous? Besides, we haven’t been to LOWAS in _years_. Who knows what’s waiting for us on the other side of that portal.”

“There’s nothing there that we can’t overcome together.” Jade says confidently. “And a jump like that is waaaay easier than one directly back home. I can do that no problem.”

“So that’s settled then?” John looks around the group. No one objects, least of all you, as you only have a slight grasp of what’s going on. LOWAS? God-tier? You’ll have to ask someone about that shit later.

“I- uh.” Everyone looks a little unsure. John steels himself. “I guess we better get ready to finish this, huh?”

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I mentioned Over the Garden Wall in the AN of the last chapter, but I just recently finished watching the entire series and, man, I haven't been so deeply touched by an animated series like this in a long time. Seriously, after I finished the final episode I was like: "... I need to go call my brother and tell him that I love him", which is something that I don't do nearly enough. Anyways, I would highly recommend Over the Garden Wall. It's like ten bucks on ITunes, so if you've got ten bucks lying around, taking up space, I'd recommend it.
> 
> Over the Garden Wall also made me realize that I'm a weird little fuck. For real, I ship a teenage boy and a talking bird. What is wrong with me?
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for all of you.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	61. INT 2 - PART 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Coldman9 for commenting x2.
> 
> Warning: Long chapter with lightning round POV changes.

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means it’s time to get the hell off of this stupid meteor!

Everything around the ruins of the temple is abuzz with activity. It’s been only a day after your return to the medium, but already things are on the move. Terezi is using the Alchemiter to make some much-need supplies, Dirk is hard at work rebuilding AradiaBot and fixing Karkat’s leg, Kanaya is still researching techniques to separate Calliope and Caliborn, and Jade is taking this time to meditate on the roof of the temple.

“It’s quieter up there.” She had explained when you flew her up. “Plus I feel more in-tune with my powers the closer I am to _actual_ space.”

You’re pretty sure that’s more of a mental thing than anything else. You doubt that Dave feels more powerful when he’s hanging out with a grandfather clock or Rose with a flashlight. However, you’re quick to humor your ecto-sister, as she’s one of the many people you missed the most during your excursion to the alpha-verse.

Right now, you’re standing in the temple ruins with Rose, Dave, Roxy, and Jake, dishing out final jobs to everyone assembled.

“Alright, Jake.” You point towards the man in question. “How do you feel about manual labor?”

“There’s nothing better to get the old blood pumping!”

“Well then,” You direct him towards Equius’s old lab. “We need everything in there to be packed up and ready to go when we are.”

“Right O!”

“Roxy.” You turn to the second Lalonde. “Apparently Rose needs you for a special mission.”

Roxy looks slightly confused, but also a little excited. _Confucited???_

“That’s right.” Rose steps forward, holding a pen and paper. “Shortly after John and Dave traveled to your dimension, I received a visitor: Dave from the future.”

Now it’s Dave’s turn to look a little confused. Although, with his sweet shades, he hides it well. You’re a little shocked yourself that _anything_ can surprise _anyone_ at this point. Dave’s travelled through time before. He knows how this stuff works.

“Future Dave gave me a note, signed by you.” Rose passes Roxy the pen and paper.

“What did the note say?” Asks Roxy, as she balances the paper on her knee.

“It was the name and address of the club in which you encountered John.”

After a few seconds of scribbling, Roxy holds up the note for Rose to see.

“Like that?”

“Exactly.” Rose takes the note and hands it to Dave next. “I’d say almost five minutes after your departure. Do not speak to anyone else.”

“Sure. Got it.” Dave takes the note and summons his time-traveling turntables. However, before he can disappear, Rose quickly snatches the note back.

“Wait!” She presses a neat kiss to the parchment. “There we go.”

“Uh… Alright?” Warily, Dave takes the note once again, with kissy mark, and jumps back through time.

“So hold on a sec,” Roxy scratches at her head. “The only way that John was able to find me was because I wrote that note, but then I would never have written that note if he _didn’t_ find me.  So… I guess that _I’m_ the reason that we met, but I wouldn’t even been here if John hadn’t come to the club. Wait. What?”

“It’s a simple time loop.” Rose explains, with only a small bit of exasperation. “I fail to see what’s so confusing about the scenario.”

“You really don’t see what’s confusing about this?”

“I can see how you can be confused, yes, but I’m pretty sure that once you figure it out, it will make more sense.”

“Well yeah, everything makes more sense when you figure it out. That’s why it’s called _‘figuring it out_ ’.”

“That’s not what I meant. You know what I’m trying to say.”

“No. No, I really don’t.”

You can’t help but smile at the two Lalonde’s as they go back and forth. This whole _alternate dimension relatives_ thing was a little confusing and scary at first, but now you see that the alpha kids are just like you. Rose and Roxy seem to get along well enough, Dave and Dirk are straight up bros, you haven’t seen Jade talk with Jake much, but you doubt they’ll have any problems getting along. You really like Jane too.

You just hope that she likes you back.

“Hey, Rose. Why don’t you show Roxy how the Alchemiter and stuff works?” You interrupt the girls before their back and forth conversation descends into a full-blown lecture of time loops of sentence semantics. “Everyone’s going to have to know how that stuff works eventually, right?”

“Right.” Agrees Rose, she motions for Roxy to follow her. “You can help me and Terezi alchemize goods for our trip.”

“Awesome!” Roxy excitedly followed her daughtermom. “I’ll catch you later, John.”

You wave after them and suddenly find yourself very alone in the center of the temple, without a job assigned to yourself. For a moment, you contemplate going to help Jake with Equius’s lab, but then catch sight of Damara standing watch over Calliope.

“Hey, Damara.” You greet the troll as you approach. “How’s Calliope doing?”

Damara looks at you with an annoyed glare, which clearly reminds you that speaking Japanese is not one of the skills you discovered within yourself during your short stint as the Condense’s prisoner.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” You lean over the fence yourself and see that Calliope is occupying her time building a house of cards. She looks sleepy still, but altogether unharmed, which is enough for you at the moment. “Alright, well keep up the good work, Damara. Let me know if anything changes.”

“Mmm.” Hums Damara, shooing you away with her fingers.

It’s strange. You think that after all the time Damara spent without any real friends, other than a skeevy cue ball-headed fuck and some violent gangsters, that she’d appreciate some company. Oh well. To each their own, right?

As you walk away, towards Equius’s lab, Dave suddenly reappears right in front of you.

“Mission accomplished, love note delivered, consider the time to be traveled.” He offers you a fist and you bump it. “What’s next, Bro?”

“I was just going to go help Jake pack up Equius’s lab.” You explain with a shrug. “There isn’t much else to do really.”

“You could talk to Jane.”

His suggestion catches you off guard. Yeah, of course you could talk to Jane. You can talk to Jane whenever.

“I guess, but Jake probably needs my help more.”

“I got Jake.” He puts a hand on your chest and pushes you towards Jane’s tent. “Stop beating around the bush and go bond with your grandaughter.”

“Beating around the bush?”You repeat, confused. “Dave, what are you talking about?”

“Don’t BS me, man.” He folds his arms. “I know that you’re avoiding her.”

“Avoiding her?” You’re like a broken record. “Psshh. That’s preposterous.”

“You’re upset that she isn’t your dad and you’re worried that she thinks you’re lame.” Dave smirks. “Trust me on this, I spent the last year before you and Jade fell out of the sky hanging out with Rose.”

“So? What does that mean?”

“It means that I’m a regular, junior turntechTherapist. Don’t change the subject. Go talk to Jane before it’s too late. As much as I think Jade’s a dynamite gal, she could accidentally teleport us into the black hole and kill us.” Dave begins to walk backwards, towards Equius’s lab. “No regrets, right?”

“Right.” And of course, he is. When’s the last time Dave was wrong about anything? You sure can’t remember.

With a quiet sigh, you turn to Jane’s tent. 

* * *

=> Be Caliborn

You are now Caliborn.  So basically, you’re bad news.

When you first found the game, played it, and destroyed your whole universe, you’d thought: _“Damn, that’s some really bad luck.”_

Then, when you were kidnapped by a time-traveling monster mid-way through your session, taken to a strange planet, and stuck in a prison cell, you’d thought: _“Damn, that’s some really, really bad luck.”_

And then that blue prick moved in across the hall and you were like: _“Damn, that’s a triple bad luck combo.”_

But finally, your sister Calliope was silly enough to think that setting herself free and running away would be a good idea. She thought that you wouldn’t be a problem. She _was not_ thinking clearly at all.

Now, it’s coming back to bite her in the ass. You can feel her weakness like a gross heat against your consciousness. She is near exhaustion. All you have to do is wait and soon you will take over. You will be set free upon these idiots, foolish enough to harbor you: the most dangerous badass in all of existence.

Well, not yet. At the moment, you’re little more than your regular cherub: short in stature, beady little eyes, an affinity for the color green. None of which instill fear in your enemies. Not yet.

You have a plan for that though. Through Calliope’s eyes, you see the black, ruined ceiling of a once impressive temple, home to your former, fellow Cherubs. Hidden within the stone walls most certainly lie something of unimaginable value, just waiting for you to exploit.

Only a Cherub player like yourself could make use of what’s in there and only an _evil_ Cherub _would_ make use of what’s in there.

Added to that, is the little nik knack Calliope snatched from that CrockerCorp Tower.  You can feel the small device, tucked down her jacket, pressing against her chest almost like a treasured heirloom. You wonder if she has the lady-cherub-balls to use it or not. Probably not. She was always weak.

Speaking of weak…

You feel her slipping, more than ever. She tries to fight the sleep, but you push, _force_ your way out of the darkness and towards the light. Her struggles grow weaker and weaker, as they always do, until…

You wake up.

The foggy haze of colors that you could see before, sharpen into reality, along with all the sights and sounds of the temple ruins. Voices and movement can be heard above the walls of the pit and you can taste the salty scent of human and troll flesh in the air.

With sure fingers, you unbutton your shirt and pull out the CrockerCorp tiaratop from within. You feel along the edges of the headband, finding a small label on the inside.

“Mindcontrol?” You read. An evil grin contorts your lip, exposing your fangs. “Calliope, were you going to use an experimental prototype of CrockerCorp tech to try and get rid of me? How rude.”

_“That’s not true! I only took that because it looked… Cool? Yeah! It looked cool!”_

“You were always a terrible liar, sis. Why didn’t you tell your new buds about this? Too afraid that it wouldn’t work? Scared because you stole?” You chuckle quietly. “This can be useful. Thanks for this.”

Calliope responds from within the recesses of your mind, but you ignore her. Standing up, you shove the tiaratop behind your back.

“H-Hello?” You call up out of the pit, in your best imitation of Calliope’s horrible voice. “Hello? I-Is anyone there?”

A troll head appears over the fence. It’s pretty attractive you suppose, with hair tied back in a tight bun and curved horns. She glares down at you.

“I appear to have hurt myself, because of how stupid and careless I am.” You call up to her. “Perhaps you could come assist me?”

The troll looks a little unsure, but opens the fence gate and lowers down a rope ladder all the same. She climbs down and joins you at the bottom of the pit, hands on her hips, glare still present. You notice that her fingers rest upon a pair of wands tucked into the waistband of her skirt.

“Thank you.” You smile at her, as pleasantly as you can. “Now, would you please- HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND!?!?!”

You lunge forward and quickly slap the tiaratop over her head before she can react. The troll girl opens her mouth to scream, but no sound escapes. You hold her tightly by the shoulders, waiting to see if she will retaliate or call for help or anything. However, she simply stands there, frozen.

“Under my control.” You grin and step away from her. “Your wands please.”

She pulls her wands from her skirt and hands them over. They aren’t lead-spitting, people-killing, blood-spilling death machines, but the wands will do until you can get some better gear. Speaking of which…

“Lead me to the most powerful weapon in the temple.” You command. “So that I may conduct my evil deeds and kill everyone who stands in my way.”

Without question, the troll girl turns on her heel and leads the way out of the pit.

* * *

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are now Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. You’re having a stitch n bitch with your mother and a loopy alien. It’s a dream come true!

You’re sitting in a loose triangle with your daughtermom and Terezi. At the Alchemiter, you fiddle with the controls, spending something called _‘grist’_ to spit out theses little, green, generic cubes that are apparently completely worthless.

No one bothers to stop you though, letting you experiment to your heart’s content.

 “You know what I miss the most about earth?” Rose asks suddenly as she molds a pile of fabric.

“What?”

“Green.” She responds with a smile, although it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Not like those cubes, but _real_ green. Trees, grass, anything _earthy_. My creative spirit feels stunted with all of this black and grey and white.

 “There’s still _real_ green around here.” Pipes up the troll, Terezi. “Kanaya is a jade-blood, remember? You guys were dating and- oh. Oh, wait... Never mind.”

“It’s alright, Terezi. Kanaya and I are on good terms.” This time Rose’s smile is genuine. “We can still enjoy each other’s company without the complications of romance.”

“You dated an alien?” You’re impressed. “What was that like?”

Rose stops her sewing for a moment as she thinks.

“It was alright.” She responds after a while. “I liked Kanaya dearly and still do. If I’m being honest, my desire for intimacy and my… I suppose _rebellious_ nature led to our breakup more than anything else. I’ve always considered myself to be progressive, open-minded, and understanding, but I guess when it mattered most, I was very much of any of that at all.”

“You could have just stopped at _‘it was alright’_.” You respond, jokingly. “But that’s cool. I get it. Kinda. Relationships are hard, that’s why I’ve spent my entire life as a sassy bachelorette, completely voluntary, as single as can be, without any desire to get hitched at all, nope. Yo ho ho, it’s a single life for me. Haha.”

Maybe you’re rambling. So what? It’s not like you’re going to get called out on it.

“I’m sure there’s someone out there for you, Roxy.”

“Yeah!” Terezi, who has been gnawing on a piece of chalk like a cigar for the past ten minutes, says with a grin. “I mean, I don’t think any of us trolls are available. But there’s plenty of human meat to go around! Remember when there were more trolls than humans, Rose? Good times. Good times.”

“But Dave is with Jade and John is with Rose and I’m pretty sure Dirk likes dudes.” You sigh and rest your cheek on you palm. “Jake’s pretty hot, but I dunno if he’d hold up under the sheer weight of my flirtations.”

“That’s why you need to take things slow.” Rose advises. “Hold off on the romance until we’ve completed this sensitive phase of the game. It will just complicate everything unnecessarily.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” You’ve just discovered how to make _purple_ cubes and now you’re a little distracted. “Sounds good.”

 Rose finishes her little sewing project and holds it up for you to see.

“What do you think?”

“Uh… what is it?”

“It’s John’s god tier outfit.” She explains, as if that clarifies anything for you. “I tried to match the blue as closely as I could, but didn’t necessarily want it to take too long. Hopefully he likes it.”

The thread that Rose used to sew up the gaping holes in the material is much darker than the rest of the outfit, giving the impression that there are horrible, dark scars crisscrossing the shirt, pants, and long hood. It looks like shit, but you aren’t about to say that to her face. You decide to be honest:

“I think John will appreciate it.”

“He will.” Rose agrees, folding the soft-looking cloth carefully. “I’m a much better knitter than sewer, I’m afraid.”

“There’s a difference?”

“Indeed. Perhaps I’ll show you sometime.”

“That’d be awesome!”

Still smiling, Rose climbed to her feet.

“I better go give this to him now. I’ll see you both later.”

“Adios!” You wave her away and go back to making cubes.

It’s just you and Terezi now and it’s a little awkward, since you don’t really know what to say to the alien girl. You wish she’d take the chalk out of her mouth, a little bit of drool is beginning to drip from her bottom lip.

“Do you wanna see how we make the good stuff?” She asks suddenly, popping up by your side.

“Sure.” You scoot your chair away from the Alchemiter so that she can work.

After a moment of fiddling with the controls, the Alchemiter _whirrs_ and produces a little, red can. Terezi snatches it up and tosses it to you. For a blind girl, she has some pretty good aim.

“Faygo.” You read the label on the can. “Soda’s cool I guess. We had this back on earth. I don’t remember it be very good though.”

“It’s not just any soda! Or just any Faygo!” The end of the chalk disappears between Terezi’s lips and does not reappear. “It’s Alternian Faygo! It’s alcoholic!”

You’re suddenly a lot more interested.

“How do you make it?” You ask, as you join Terezi at the Alchemiter.

* * *

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are now Jane Crocker. What’s the deal with airplane food?

More like, what’s the deal with this crazy-ass alien food?

John sits on the edge of your bed, offering you a plate of something called ‘ _Beefgrub’_. Yeah, it sounds pretty fucking gross, right? You will not be imbibing anything with the word _‘grub’_ in it.

“It’s better with grub sauce.” John explains, still holding out the plate. “Or at least that’s Karkat says. I think it’s fine either way.”

“You’ve eaten this before?” You ask, taking the plate and immediately transferring it to your bedside table.

“Once. We wasted a lot of time once by throwing this party, which was supposed to be this awesome troll tradition, but really it was just a waste of time.”

 “Sounds like fun.”

“It was!” John grins. “Maybe you’ll get to go to one someday.”

“Maybe.” You lean back on your pillows, doing your best to ignore the maddening itch from your bandaged leg. “You know, this medicine you guys put on my leg is starting to burn. Is that normal?”

“Rose says it is.” He shrugs. “I’ve found that it’s usually a good idea to listen to what she says.”

“Sounds like you guys have been through a lot together.”

“We all have. These guys are my best friends.”

“I’ve never really had best friends.” You admit, a little sheepishly.

If you’re being honest, you’re a little uncomfortable with being thrown into this group of badasses and lunatics, who are all already great friends. It’s the same type of anxiety you got back in grade school. You were the odd girl out then too, not really belonging to any of the accepted clicks.

“Well you won’t be able to say that anymore.” John responds instantly. “Roxy, Dirk, and Jake are sort of in the same boat as you are. Maybe you should try connecting with them? You guys probably have a lot in common, coming from the same universe and all that.”

Despite your anxiety and discomfort, you laugh at that.

“The universe is a pretty big place, John, with lots and lots of people. Odds are more likely that we _don’t_ have anything in common. Haha.”

“You’ll never know until you get to know them.” He responds. “Either way, there’s still a chance that you’ll be good friends. Look at Rose and Dave for example, there isn’t a whole lot that similar between them personality wise, but they’re still super close buds.”

“I’ll talk to Roxy, Dirk, and Jake when I get the chance.” You gesture to your busted leg. “I’m a little immobile at the moment.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

“Sorry?”

“Yeah. It’s sort of my fault that you got stabbed back there.”

This catches you off guard.

“Uh… how? I’m pretty sure the Condense threw a spear at me.”

“Well. I was a little slow to get you out of there so…”

“John.” You cut him off before this conversation gets any more nonsensical. “You _saved_ my life, if anything. You got me away from her, away from that _world_. I should be thanking you.”

John opens his mouth to respond, but seems to think twice. He smiles again.

“Heh, you’re welcome I guess. I’m sorry for being all weird. It’s just that…” He rubs the back of his neck. “You'd be surprised how often people resent it when you try to help them.”

At that moment, the plastic curtains around your bed are pulled aside to reveal Rose. She steps inside, smiling and clutching a bundle of blue fabric.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” She steps up to your bedside and offers her bundle to John. “I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop this off.”

John’s eyes grow wide behind his glasses.

“You didn’t.” He says, snatching up a carefully folded shirt and holding it up to his chest.

“I thought it was about time you had this fixed.”

“Rose, you are the king!”

Suddenly, you’re a witness to a very passionate embrace which apparently was birthed from a set of blue pajamas.

You understand nothing about these people.

* * *

=> Be Caliborn

You are Caliborn once again. So begins your reign of terror.

The troll that has now become your servant leads you through the ruins of the temple. Voices can be heard inside of a nearby tent, along with the _click clack_ of keys on a keyboard, and the _buzz_ of machinery.

“AradiaBot?” Says someone, a human male. “Can you hear me?”

“BEEEEEeeeeep.”

More _clicks_ as someone types.

“How about now?”

“Beep Boop. Happy Birthday, Paulie!” Replies a robotic voice.

“Shit. Alright, how about this…”

As much fun as it would be to burst in and slaughter whoever is inside with reckless abandon, your servant is urging you forward and you’d much rather arm yourself before going on your killing spree.

It’s much more fun that way.

You follow your servant around the corner of one tent and come to a grinding halt when you walk into her stationary back. You growl quietly and almost give her the order to keep moving until you see a human girl merrily walk by, carrying a bundle of blue cloth. You hide in the shadows and wait until she is gone before speaking:

“Nice save, servant.” You whisper in the troll girl’s ear. “Thanks for watching my back. Remind me to reward you later.”

The troll girl simply nods and continues forward now that the path is clear. She takes you out, through of the main temple entrance, and around the side of the ancient cherub structure. Here, the temple wall is pock-marked with many holes and scratches, perfect for a makeshift climbing wall.

Your servant beings to climb and you follow, nimbly scaling the wall after her. Cherubs, with their sharp claws, long limbs, and short torsos, are perfect for climbing and soon enough you find yourself on top of the temple itself.

The roof is just as busted up as the walls, but that shouldn’t be a problem as long as you mind the holes. What’s really of interest, is the human girl who is sitting alone near the edge.

Your first instinct is to shove her off and watch as she breaks her neck on the ground below. However, you restrain yourself and accompany your servant to the girl’s side. As you approach, she turns to look at you.

“Oh. Hey, guys!” She grins. “How did you get up here?”

You remain silent as your servant walks right up and punches her square in the nose. The human girl falls onto her back, letting out a shrill yell.

“Damara!”

Your royal servant, Damara, punches the human girl again, over and over and over. As fun as this is to watch, you’re on a tight schedule.

“Damara.” You draw her attention away from the bloodied human. “Use these.”

Pulling her wands from your pocket, you return them and watch as Damara raises them above her head.

“W- Why?” Gasps the girl, who is surprisingly still conscious.

“Because,” You lean over her. “I’m the big bad.”

With a swish of her wands, Damara kills the human girl. You watch the life fade from her eyes and smile, feeling a sadistic pleasure rise in your chest. Finally, after so much time as a prisoner to the Condense, to your bond with your sister, you’re getting the chance to do what you’ve always wanted to do.

You’re finally taking control.

Damara loots the girl’s corpse and retrieves something from her pocket, a small golden ring. She kneels and offers it to you, as if she’s trying to initiate some kind of mating ritual. Eh, Damara’s pretty cute, but getting hitched isn’t really on your agenda. Regardless, you take the ring anyway.

It buzzes with a secret power and once again you’re smiling.

“This is going to be fun.” You delicately slip the ring onto your finger and instantly feel a powerful heat roll up your arm and into your chest.

Your vision goes white, you ears fill with a thunderous roar, and your chest burns. There is nothing but fire and light and for a second, you wonder if you’ve been betrayed. However, your blindness soon fades and you find yourself once more atop the temple.

You’re taller, with bulging biceps and powerful, clawed hands. You look to Damara and grin once more.

“Thank you, Damara.” You rumble, pleased with the new bass of your voice. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

Stepping up to the human girl’s corpse, you place your large foot on her side and shove her off of the edge of the temple. You watch her tumble to the ground below and land in a crumpled heap. She does not move again.

You’ve just killed Jade Harley, the witch of space. You don’t know how you know this. You just do. This ring has supplied you with mysterious knowledge that will have to be investigated later. Right now, you’ve got other stuff to do.

Grabbing Damara around the middle, you tuck her under your arm and climb down from the roof of the temple back to the ground below. Around the rear of the Cherub construct, you find what you’re looking for. There, carved onto the outside of the rear wall, is a gear-like symbol carved into the black rock.

“Observe.” You command of Damara.

You place your hand over the symbol and repeat this ancient, magical incantation:

“Come baby come, baby, baby come, come.”

The wall shifts and turns under your palm, revealing a hidden alcove. Inside, on the stone floor, is a slab of red rock with the same gear symbol carved onto it’s surface.

It’s your quest bed.

You turn to Damara and reluctantly remove the ring from your finger. Only for a moment though, you don’t plan on being without it’s power for long.

“Kill me.”

She does.

You awake from your death, clothed in red garb and learned in the ways of time. You feel it move around you, an ever-flowing stream of currents and rapids, loops and turns, separations and mergers.

You are no longer a Cherub with a chip on his shoulder. You are a _lord_.

“The ring.” You climb to your feet and thrust your hand towards Damara. “The ring. Give it to me.”

She hands it over and you quickly slip it over your finger once more. The power returns, along with the height and the knowledge. With this ring, you’re all but indestructible. Only when you remove the ring do you become mortal once more.

Needless to say, you won’t be taking this ring off again. Ever.

 You adjust your new red cloak on your shoulders.

“Come on.” You gesture for Damara to follow. “Let’s go say _‘hi’_ to our friends inside.”

As you casually stroll around the temple, past the crumpled corpse of the human girl, you hear an annoying _buzzing_ sound in your head. At first you try to ignore it, pass it off as a diminutive side effect to all this awesome power you have now. However, the _buzzing_ is persistent.

_“Don’t do this, Caliborn. I’m begging you.”_

Ugh. Gross. Calliope is still in your head. _That_ will most definitely have to be remedied.

“Fuck off, nerd. I’m busy.” You growl.

The temple entrance is clear, along with the open floor space. Everyone is apparently in the auxiliary tents, tending to their own pathetic tasks. You should use this momentary period of stealth to work a little more magic.

_“These are good people. They would be your friends if you wanted them to be. We can all work together, rebuild our worlds, be heroes like we were always meant to be!”_

“Good people suck, heroes are lame, and you really need to stop talking.”

_“You can’t fight all of them. There’s too many. They’re too strong. You only have Damara. Recognize that this is a loss and join the good guys! There’s still time.”_

“I don’t need anyone else. I’ve got this ring and I’ve got the power too.” You cross the temple floor, towards a tent in the far corner of the ruins. “But, maybe you are right. Maybe I _do_ need some more friends.”

_“Of course you do! Every needs… Wait. W-What are you planning? What are you going to do?!”_

Throwing open the flap of the tent, you find a pair of giggling girls on the other side. One is a troll, blind, useless and probably a little psychotic. You can tell this just by looking at her. The other girl is human, with complete sensory operation, but still otherwise useless.

“Callie?” Giggles the human girl. “Why are you so big? What’s going on?”

You shove her out of the way and approach the machine against the wall. It’s an Alchemiter.

“Make copies of that.” You command Damara, referring to her tiaratop.

“Hey!” The blind troll sloppily slaps your arm. “We were using that!”

“Don’t touch me again.”

“Psshh. What are you gonna do?” She reaches for you again and you quickly back hand her away.

You hit her so hard, that her motherfucking _pants_ fly off and drift lazily to the ground where she once stood. She flips once and bounces across the ground to slide away across the ground. The human girl gives a startled gasp and lunges for a long, red rifle that’s propped up against the wall. She fumbles the weapon, drunkenly trying to adjust the strap and get her finger into the trigger guard at the same time.

You watch this for about five minutes while Damara works, until you get bored and hit her too. The human girl slams into the wall with wonderful _crack_ , slumps to the floor, and does not get up again.

“Disgusting.” You wipe your hand on your cloak. “It _touched_ me.”

After a few more seconds of work, Damara turns from the Alchemiter with two more tiaratops in her arms. Just two? Eh. That’s probably all you need.

Trolls, so far, have proven to be the better evil servants. There are only three trolls left in all of existence as far as you know and with one blind, stupid, and drunk only two viable options are left.

You won’t be taking any human servants. Humans are gross, sweaty, and whiny. It will be a genuine pleasure slaughtering all of those ugly, horn-less fucks.

Stepping over the bind troll, who appears to have fallen asleep, you exit the tent and begin the search for the final members of your evil team. Following the scent of troll blood, you lumber across the temple ruins to another tent, where voices can be heard inside.

“Come on, Karkat. You can do it. Come to me.”

“Fucking stop that! I’m not a gog-dammed wriggler taking it’s first steps! I know how to walk, you cold piece of troll jizz!”

“That’s no way to talk to your Moirail.”

“No but it _is_ the way you talk to blood-sucking meddler, who’s too vain to realize that she’s being a pain in my ass!”

“Now you’re just being rude.”

Suddenly, there is a loud _crash_ as something heavy collides with the floor.

“AUGH! FUCKING DAMMIT! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I CAN’T WALK! I CAN’T DO ANYTHING!!”

“Hmmmm.” Hums a human voice. “There must still be a leak somewhere in the hydraulics. Help me get him up on the table, Kanaya.”

“DON’T TOUCH ME!!”

“Shut up, Karkat.”

“Okay.”

You pull open the tent flap and step inside. A pretty troll girl and a human male with pointed shades are attempting to lift a second troll with a metallic leg off the ground, but they freeze when they see you. Of course they do. You’re sort of really impressive to look at.

For a moment, everything is silent as they simply stare at you. Then, all hell breaks loose:

The crippled troll is dropped with a muffled: _‘ow’_ as the other players draw their weapons. The troll named Kanaya wields a pretty nice chainsaw, whilst the human male pulls out a sharp, metal stick. You almost feel a little sad for the little guy.

This human is faster and more deadly than either of the two girls you encountered before, he ducks under your first swipe and stabs upwards with his sword. The blade connects with your gut and bends like a human pipe cleaner.

“What the...” He gets out before you punch him full in the face, knocking the consciousness right out of him.

Kanaya snarls and leaps forward, revving her chainsaw. You easily catch her by the throat with one hand and hold her at bay. She struggles weakly and manages to grind her chainsaw against your forearm. Sparks fly but no skin is broken, only adding to the surprise and shock that was already resplendent across her face. You put an end to her struggles by slapping a tiaratop on her head.

“You’re mine.” You inform her.

Kanaya nods once and you lower her to the ground. As she moves to join Damara, you stand over the final troll, the cripple named Karkat.

“I knew you were trouble.” He snarls, pulling himself up against a counter. “I knew that John had fucked us by bringing you here.”

“Heh, you think so?” You chuckle at his ignorance.

“Yeah.” He struggles to stay upright on his wobbly leg. “I do.”

Clutching your last tiaratop, you lean in close to Karkat.

“I know how this must look. You think you’ve just been hit with another stroke of bad luck. But to tell you the truth,” You slide the tiaratop over his head. “You were all doomed from the start.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re slipping into something a little more comfortable.

“Man, I still can’t believe you did this, Rose.” You pull your shirt over your head. There, now you’re _looking_ like the Heir of Breath again.

“Can I look?” Jane asks from her bed, where’s she’s currently sitting with her eyes covered.

“Yeah. You can look.”

She opens her eyes and smirks at you.

“Wow. I mean… wow. Is that really what you normally wear?”

“It’s customary, yes.” Rose, who is now sitting on the edge of Jane’s bed, gestures to her own god tier robes. “Exhibit A”

“Do you have a problem with it?” You ask jokingly, as you adjust your long hood.

“Well, I just thought it’d look a little more… badass?” Jane admits. “It’s still cool! Don’t get me wrong. It looks comfy as hell.”

“It is. You’ll get your own god tier soon enough, so don’t worry.” You sit on your own bed, across from Rose. “What about Dave’s outfit? Do you have any plans to fix his?”

“Not at the moment. Dave was a little more careless with his attire, losing his whole outfit entirely. I’d have to start from scratch with his, whereas yours just needed some repairs.” She leans back on the bed. “It might be easier to alchemize him a brand new outfit, although I don’t know if anything we make will have the same magical properties as our game-supplied gear. I’ll talk to Kanaya about it later.

“Yeah, she can probably whip something up easy.” Struck by a sudden thought, you lean forward excitedly. “Hey, you know how our session was pretty much erased by the scratch? What if now we can find Karkat’s quest bed too? Do you think it could be out there somewhere?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?” Rose scratches her chin. “From what I’ve heard about their SGRUB session, they’re lands were destroyed when…”

She’s cut off when the plastic covering the entrance to the tent is pulled aside and a hulking, green figure enters.

You’re first impression is that Calliope has somehow undergone some mutation and become some juiced monster with a red cloak. Then you notice the eyes. Calliope doesn’t have _red_ eyes.

“Welcome to DIE!” Caliborn roars, raising his fists above his head.

You react on instinct, surging forward with a gust of wind and slamming into Jane’s bed. The force of your flight shoves the bed, with Jane and Rose aboard, out of harm’s way a split second before Caliborn’s fists collide with the ground in their place. You continue moving forward, pushing the cot through the tent wall and out into the temple proper.

 “Rose, get her out of here!” You command once your group comes to a stop.

“No! You’re faster. Fly her out. I’ll hold him off!”

“Rose!”

Caliborn rips his way out of the tent and leaps towards you. Jane lets out a shrill scream and you throw yourself backwards into her cot, shoving her once more across the ground. There’s a loud and long _scraaaape_ as Jane slides away and then a muffled _‘ow’_ as she collides with something, the wall probably, but you don’t have time to investigate.

Caliborn is facing you and Rose, malice in his eyes and power rippling through his muscles. He raises his fist once more.

**STRIFE!**

You thrust out your hand, quickly searching the temple ruins with your windy fingers. You find what you’re looking for back in the tent, under your old cot. The awesome hammer that you made using Vriska’s code.

It flies through the air, carried aloft on the breeze, right towards your waiting palm.

At that moment, Rose fires a spell directly at Caliborn. The magical blast ricochets off of his chest and strikes you instead, blasting you off your feet.

“Shit!” Rose curses angrily.

Swirling your arms, you try to gain control of your sudden flight and prevent an inevitable crash landing. However, whatever spell Rose hit you with has greatly disoriented your sense of direction. Without the ability to discern ‘up’ from ‘down’ you end up crashing into another tent and ripping your way through the fabric.

You land heavily on the ground and let out a sad wheeze as all the wind is knocked violently from your lungs.

“What the flying fuck?”

Through watery eyes, you look up to see Dave and Jake standing over you, with confusion evident on their faces.

“Caliborn.” You gasp, pointing in the direction whence you came. “Rose. Fight. Kill. Now!”

Dave nods and instantly dashes away. Jake, however, looks a bit unsure.

“W-what’s going on?” He stammers nervously.

You reach up and grab a fistful of his shorts, pulling yourself upwards as quick as you can. Jake grabs you under the arms and helps you up.

“Go find Jane.” You stagger away from him and towards the fight waging in the center of the temple.

“John…”

“Jake, there’s no time. Go find Jane.”

He looks ready to argue, but seems to think twice. Nodding, he turns and dashes away in search of his fellow alpha player.

With a swish of your arm, you summon Vriska’s hammer again, this time catching it effectively. Then, you set your sights on Caliborn.

Rose has summoned magical chains that cling to Caliborn’s monstrous arms and legs, but they don’t seem to be working very well. He rips threw them like paper and swings a massive, clawed hand at Dave who is forced to dive out of the way to avoid being sliced in half.

Running full-sprint, you leap in to the air, fly over Caliborn, and bring your hammer down as hard as you can on top of his head. There’s a loud _crack_ and you continue forward to touch down on the ground again behind him. For a moment, you think that you’ve actually done some legitimate damage to the monster, then you look down and see that your hammer has been snapped in two.

“Shit!”

Caliborn turns to face you, a terrifying grin on his large face.

“Your shitty weapons are nothing against me! I am no longer mortal!” He raises his fists to the sky. “I am Unfuckwitable!”

“More like _suck-dickable_!” Dave twirls his sword. “Bring it, you big green fuck! I ain’t scared of no Jolly Green Giant!”

Dave is promptly punted out of the temple.

“Give up, humans. You cannot fight me. I have already won.” Caliborn motions with his hand and from the shadows march three, blanked-eyed, grey-skinned _zombies_.

Well, they aren’t _really_ zombies, but that’s what it looks like.

Kanaya and Damara walk slowly, with their weapons drawn and their faces grim. Karkat follows, stumbling behind them on a barely-functioning robotic leg. All of them are wearing red headbands and seem to be completely under Caliborn’s control.

“What have you done to them?” Demands Rose.

“I’ve insured their survival, which is less than can be said for you.”

You lamely clutch the broken handle of your hammer and glare at Caliborn. He’s too powerful to fight head-on. You need to be smart about this.

“Calliope!” You call. “I know that you’re in there. If you try hard enough, I bet you can take control and stop him! “

Caliborn laughs at that.

“Calliope is gone, you idiot! There’s only me now.” With another wave of his hands, his loyal minions join his side. “Now. It’s time to see just what I can do with this ring of mine.”

Caliborn brings his hands together and conjures a ball of white light in his palm. That’s weird. When Jack Noir had the golden ring, you’ve never saw him do anything like that. You watch as the light grows brighter and brighter.

Rose moves forward, probably to stop him from doing whatever it is he’s doing, but finds her path blocked by Kanaya.

“Kanaya.” Rose warns, trying to aim her wands around her friend. “You need to fight his control.”

Kanaya is unresponsive, just like the rest of the trolls you plead with. As the light in Caliborn’s palm continues to become brighter, to an almost blinding level, his grin continues to widen as well.

“I doubt we’ll be meeting again.” He says, his voice reverberating deeply with power. “But for what it’s worth, you’ve all been a wonderful audience.”

Then in a red flash, Caliborn, Karkat, Kanaya, and Damara disappear from view, leaving only the glowing orb that Caliborn was holding floating in their place. The white ball continues to brighten.

“What is that?!” You ask, shielding your eyes. “What did he do?”

“I don’t know! But we should probably get out of here.”

Suddenly, a magnetic tug pulls what’s left of your hammer out of your hand into the white glow, which absorbs it. Pieces of machinery, computers, whole tents, bottle of apple juice disappear into the orb, which only grows bigger and bigger with everything it sucks in.

“Agreed.” You lunge forward, seize Rose by the hand, and drag her towards the temple entrance.

Your clothes are being dragged backwards now and Rose suddenly feels heavier than ever, but you keep your hold on her as you stumble out of the temple. Outside, Jake and Jane are leaning against one another, staring down at the crumpled form of Jade Harley.

“What happened?!” You demand, running to your ecto-sister’s side.

“We just found her like this.” Answers Jake sadly. “Poor gal. Looks like she was run through a real gauntlet!”

The temple ruins, already so busted up, begin to groan as they’re pulled inwards. Large slabs of black rock disappear as their sucked inside.

“Roxy is still in there!” Jane says, watching in horror as another piece of the temple disappears.

“Get as far away from here as you can!” You grab Jade under the arms and pull her towards Rose. “Take her. I need to go back in.”

However, Rose is not listening. She’s already run away and reentered the crumbling temple.

“Rose!” You yell after her. “God-dammit!”

You drop Jade, a little roughly, and take to the skies. You fly through one of the holes in the temple roof and float near the ceiling, furiously scanning the ground below for any sign of either of the Lalonde’s. A large stone whizzes past your ear, drawing your attention back to the glowing gravity orb that has is now taking up a healthy part of the floor.

You need to get out of here asap.

Down, among the twisted tents and broken ground, you see a flash of orange. You drop out of the sky and dive towards the ground. Rose is there, trying to shove rubble out of the way to reach a blonde head.

“Move.” You command as gently as possible and then blow the loose rocks away with a quick gust of wind.

Roxy lies beneath, bloodied and broken. Rose lets out a horrible, choking sob, but you don’t waste any time, quickly descending and pressing a sloppy kiss to Roxy’s mouth. That’s all you can do at the moment. You just hope it is enough.

Rose’s fingers wrap around your bicep and you turn to her to look at her, ready to reassure her of Roxy’s survival. However, you notice that Rose is not looking at you or Roxy, but staring with horror towards the large wall of the temple that is now falling to crush the whole lot of you.

“What the hell is going on?!?!”

You turn to find a pants-less Terezi stumbling towards you drunkenly.

“Where are you pants?!”

“Can we talk about this later!?!” Rose screams, pointing up towards the falling, black monolith.

Wrapping the three girls as tightly as you can in your arms, you fly upwards and try to dodge the falling wall. However, with the added weight and the incredible gravitational pull of Caliborn’s dastardly spell, you fail. The wall slams into your back, smacking you back towards the ground.

You land in a heap of twisted limbs, Rose cries out in pain and Terezi’s face is unceremoniously smushed against yours. The wall continues to fall, in less than a second you will be turned into a bloody pancake.

You and Rose will come back, because turning into a bloody pancake is probably the lamest way to die. Roxy and Terezi…. Well, you don’t wanna think about that.

Then, a split second before you’re dead (once again), there is a flash of green light.

Then silence.

Terezi is fruitless grumbling and trying to disentangle herself from you.

“Your hood-hic-is wrapped a-hic-round my neck.” She slurs, hiccupping all the while.

“Sorry.” You shift and succeed in getting a grip on your hood and pulling it over Terezi’s head.

With the pair of you separated, Terezi falls away, and you’re now able look up to see that the temple is completely gone, along with Caliborn’s glowing orb. Standing, on the other end of a broken and rubble-strewn field, is Jade Harley with her hands raised and green space magic sparking betwixt her fingers.

“Where are they?” Is the first thing Jade asks as she runs to your side. Jake follows, half-carrying the wounded Jane.

“Who?” You groan, rolling Roxy’s corpse off of your legs so that you can stand.

“Caliborn and Damara.” Jade’s lip is raised in a feral snarl. “I’m going to kick their asses!”

“They escaped. What did you do?”

“Teleported the temple away, of course! John, please tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Caliborn is controlling Damara, Karkat, and Kanaya and he’s a big monster with magic and he has the golden ring and I’m pretty sure that Dave and Roxy are dead.”

“Dave?” Jade’s eyes grow wide. “Where is he?!”

“He got punted.” You point in the direction where Dave had disappeared and in another flash of green light, Jade is gone.

“John.” Looking down, you see Rose, sitting on the ground with Roxy’s head in her lap. “John. It- it didn’t work. She’s not…”

“Give her time.” You kneel by her side and press a couple of fingers to Roxy’s neck. “I- I think that’s a pulse, Rose. Just give her time, okay?”

Rose just nods and goes back to staring at Roxy’s life-less form. Terezi is lying nearby, apparently asleep, and Jake has begun to search the nearby rubble and destruction for… for something. You don’t know.

You need to sit down.

Collapsing onto a nearby chunk of wall, you turn to find that Jane is now sitting nearby as well.

“Are you alright?” She asks, timidly.

“No. Not really” You rub at your eyes under your glasses. “I… I think I fucked up again.”

Up above, amongst the stars, a glowing light explodes in rays of gold. Jade has teleported the temple, along with Caliborn’s magic, away to the space above. It almost looks like a third sun kind of, although not nearly as pretty or warm. You and Jane sit and watch as the light disappears.

**END OF INTERMISSION TWO.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, during my thanksgiving break I saw a lot of movies and by a lot, I actually mean two: Mockingjay and that new McConaughey jam. So thus follows my little ramblings about movies that I think people need to hear my opinion about.
> 
> Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part One - Eh. It was okay. I read the book like three years ago, so I didn't really go into this remembering a whole lot. In all honesty, they could have fit all of Mockingjay into one movie, but then again, they make waaaaay more money by splitting it into two films. It's pretty loyal to the books, so the readers will like that, whilst movie fans will probably be a little less enthused with this. It's all rising action, so you will leave the movie feeling a little unsatisfied. Come back next year and pay ten more bucks to get the full story.
> 
> Interstellar - Eh. It was okay. If you like intense sci-fi, amazing visuals, solid acting, and Nolan-style mindfuckery then you'll probably enjoy Interstellar. It's not as good as Inception or The Dark Knight, in my opinion, but I definitely feel like I got my moneys worth! Anne Hathaway is a real cutie and a surprise appearance of Topher Grace is always appreciated. That guy is in every movie, even when you think he isn't, he is.
> 
> Also, Jurassic World looks really good, as does the new Star Wars. I trust Abrams so much to make this new Star Wars great, the first shot of the trailer is already so much more promising than the entirety of the prequel trilogy. John Boyega pops up out of no where dressed as a storm trooper and you're just like WFT what is going on? Then the camera follows him as he begins to walk away across the tatooine desert. In all seriousness, it's the type of interesting dynamic camera work that Geroge Lucas was famous for not using ever. Also if you thought Darth Maul was cool with his double lightsaber, just wait until you see this new guy with a motherfucking TRIPLE lightsaber!!!!!!1!! Oh my _saturn_ rings!
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	62. ACT 7 - PART 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Lightening Round POV changes.
> 
> Should I even warn you guys about this? Does it even get confusing? Idk. I'll warn you anyways.

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are Vriska Serket. You’re dead, which sucks a lot, but that’s not really anything new.

What _is_ new is how _alive_ you feel right now. It’s almost as if hot, cerulean blood is coursing through your veins once more, like air is entering your lungs, like there’s a fire in your gut, pushing you to fight and to laugh to and to _live_.

You haven’t felt this way since you last saw J…

Since you last saw _him_. You know who you’re referring to. There’s no reason to say it.

You stand on the bow of your awesome battleship, a heavy sword on your hip and the smell of fake blood in the air. There’s something magical about this moment, the moment just before the battle begins, the calm before the storm. Closing your eyes for a moment, you take a deep breath. Your lungs move with the memory of breathing and when you next open your eyes, your gaze is firm, like a gog-damn laser.

To your left stands Eridan Ampora, your First Mate Brigadier Second Class, and to your right stands Aradia Megido, your Skipper Private Double Lieutenant. They aren’t greeeeeeeeeat officers, per say, but they get the job done.

Eridan enjoys the bloodlust and his showmanship brings some much needed _pizzazz_ to your otherwise grim outfit. Aradia likes the death too, but spends more time _talking_ about it instead of actually killing stuff. She’s been getting in your hair recently too, babbling about strange dreams where she’s a robot or something equally stupid. You don’t have time for such shenanigans. You’re trying to run a war for fuck’s sake!

“Captain!”

You turn to see Tavros, your Map Guy, stumbling towards on a pair of peg legs. You and Eridan exchange an eye roll, as you wait for Tavros to waddle his way across the deck of the ship.

“Captain.” He repeats, when he finally comes to a wobbly stop by your side. “We’re quickly approaching our target. I think now would be a good time to discuss our battle strategy.”

“Yes, as a matter of fact. That _is_ a good idea.” You thrust your fist into the air. “CREW ASSEMBLE!”

From all over the ship, your loyal troops gather. There’s Nepeta, Feferi, Sollux, and Gamzee. All of which have their own official titles, but it would take too long to list them all. Equius was offered a position on your ship, but declined for some lame reason. The last you saw of that big ol blue blood, he was sulking around in Tavros’s desert.

 Anyways, everyone forms a loose circle as you begin:

“This is it, guys. The _big_ one.” You jab a finger over your shoulder, towards the front of the ship where your destination swiftly approaches. “If we win here today, we can push back these worthless bitches and claim more land for our empire. It won’t be easy. These suckers usually put up quite a fight, but as long as we follow _my_ plan, everything should work out A-OK.”

“I have a question.” Sollux, your Corporal Buccaneer Yeoman General, raises his hand. “Is this going to take all day?”

“Why?” You rest your hands on your hips. “You got something better to do?”

“Well, we were hoping to throw a party later!” Pipes up Feferi, Sollux’s Matesprit and your Major Fourth Class Parson. “It’s not a big deal, just the anniversary that we first died!”

“Congrats.” Says Gamzee.

“Yeah, Happy Death Day!” Cheers Aradia.

“Thanks, guys. You don’t need a present or anything. It’s just a little get together that might be fun…”

“Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Whatever.” You quickly shush her before she gets all rambly. “This party sounds pretty great and we’ll all go when we’re done here. If we do this right, it should only take a few minutes at the most.”

“What’s the plan, Vriskers?” Asks Nepeta, with a gleam in her eyes. The crazy cat bitch in particular has been especially enthusiastic about this campaign.

“Eridan will lead a team consisting of Sollux, Feferi, and Gamzee to the roof. I will take Aradia, Tavros, and Nepeta through the bottom floor. We kill everyone we see and meet up in the middle. After that, we round up any leftovers and bring up back to the castle. Got it?”

“Can I be on Tavros’s team?” Asks Gamzee.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I said so!”

Gamzee folds his arms, mutters something like: _‘motherfucking bitches, amirite?’_ but otherwise holds his tongue.

“Alright, now if there’s no other concerns. Let’s get this show on the road!”

The battleship comes to a stop about two clicks away from the target. Eridan’s team disembarks and climbs to the roof of the complex while you take your own team right up to the front doors. Tavros seems nervous, nothing new there, but you take a second to reassure him regardless:

“I’ve got your back unless you slow me down. Then you can go fuck yourself.”

“Alright.” He swallows hard and hefts his lance. “You know, I’d probably be a much better fighter if you let Equius make me some robot legs.”

“Yeah and you’d be a lot less funny too look at too. Suck it up, Pupa.” You bring the group to a halt, right outside the doors. “Everyone ready? On my mark. Ready… Go!”

You kick open the door and charge inside, with your sword drawn and your loyal crew at your shoulders. Inside the main lobby, you spot two of the stupid pricks.

“Fuck!” One yells as he drops his glass of apple juice. “You guys again? I thought we told you to leave us alone.”

“Yeah, why can’t yall just leave us alone?” Adds the second one.

You respond by cleaving one of them in twain with your blade. There’s no blood, unfortunately, but still a lot of screaming.

You’ll settle for that.

Nepeta takes the second one, pouncing onto his chest claw-first and ripping him to shreds in a matter of seconds. You, Aradia, and Tavros stand there for about five minutes as she proceeds to mutilate the double corpse until it becomes a freshly-minced pile of douchebag.

Tavros covers his eyes while you pretend to check your watch.

“Nepeta.” You snap your fingers after a while. “Hey! We’re on a schedule here!”

Nepeta comes to a stop, breathing heavily but grinning widely.

“S-Sorry.” She huffs. “Got a little carried away. Haha.”

“Yeah. No duh.” You gesture your group forward. “Come on. We’re heading up.”

Taking the stairs, you stop on every floor and quickly run through the hall, slaughtering every one of the bastards that crosses your path. Most of them don’t put up a fight at all and the ones that do never last very long. They’ll all sedated by months and months of inactivity and sheer boredom.

Entering one bedroom, you find about ten of them milling around. Needless to say, it’s a bloodbath.

“Sorry about this.” Aradia says sadly, just before she whips one across the face with her bullwhip. “It’s not anything personal, just business.”

“Nope. It’s very purrsonal.” Nepeta decapitates one with fierce swipe.

“Tavros!” You call to your Map Guy, as you liberate a pair of arms from their torso. “Get out of the damn corner and kill something!”

“Alright, alright. Sheesh!” Tavros reluctantly pokes one with his lance.

“Yo, dude.” The one Tavros jabbed rubs his arm. “What the hell?”

“Sorry.” Tavros responds with a sigh.

Suddenly, the bathroom door burst open and one jumps out, wielding a pair of flashing katanas.

“Yall asshats better look out! You just entered the lion’s den, motherfuckers.” He lunges forward, bringing his swords down to impale Tavros.

“Noooooooo!” You leap forward and block the blow with your own sword.

There’s a flash of sparks as your blades connect and you quickly shove him back before engaging in a fierce volley of sword swings. You block, parry, kick, and punch your attacker into submission, eventually pinning him to the wall with your sword at his neck.

“Shit.” He gasps, struggling against your grip. “You’re a real bitch, you know that?”

“Yeah. I know.”

You reach up and tug the stupid shades off of his face before you slit his throat. One of the main problems with Dave-hunting is that you don’t get to see the ‘ _life_ ’ fade from their eyes as they double die.  Not usually, at least.

Kicking the corpse out of the way, you step over to Tavros and grab him by the scruff of the neck.

“Are you a fucking idiot, Pupa?” You snarl, shaking him roughly. “What if I hadn’t been there? Huh?! What then?”

“I probably would have double died.” He mumbles, with his gaze firmly set on the floor.

“Exactly! Do you even care?! I mean, shit. Do you really wanna find out what happens if you double die? Do you wanna find out where you go?!”

“No.”

“Well then,” You grab his lance from where he dropped it on the floor and thrust it firmly into his arms. “You know what you have to do. We won’t be having this conversation again, right?”

He simply nods. You snap your fingers and lead your crew from the room and back into the hall.

After, like, two hours of killing, you make your way up to the middle floor. All of the surviving Dave’s have been pushed back into a final, banquette room-esque space, where all the Dave’s apparently have large buffest and rap battles or something.

You meet up with Eridan’s group outside of the doors leading towards the Dave’s final stronghold.

“Any trouble?” Asks Eridan, as he reloads his harpoon gun.

“No. You?”

“One decided to get _fresh_ with me, so I had to make an example out of him. That took some time.” He cocks his gun with a loud _click_. “Are you ready to finish this?”

“You know it.”

Pulling back, you unleash another devastating kick that knocks the banquette doors off their hinges and sends them flipping away. Your crew raids the room once more, finding about twenty Dave’s hiding under furniture, behind potted plants, stacked on top of each other inside a refrigerator, and even out in the open, with swords raised and resolves firm.

You slice through them all.

“Why?” Asks one Dave just before you rip him a shiny, new asshole.

“What else are we going to do? Sit around and wait?” You press the tip of your blade against his chest, not hard enough to penetrate… Yet. “Everyone needs a hobby. Just so happens we’ve got plenty of _you_ to spare. Now be a good sport… and DIE!”

You run him through and toss him onto the corpse pile with the others. In the end, you stand triumphant atop a pile of red-suited corpses, inside of a red apartment building, in the infinite blackness of the void.

You haven’t felt this _alive_ in a long time.

* * *

The Dave’s you don’t kill are the ones that hid really well, or ran far enough away. Those, you round up onto the battleship and take back to your base, a large castle-like structure that you built next to Tavros’s much smaller, way more inferior, and all around shittier house.

No one lives in the castle, since everyone prefers their own little hive with their own plot of land, but every once and a while you all gather here to have a party or chat or plan your next mission. However, with the main Dave-stronghold raided, looted, and killed there probably won’t be any full-scale assaults anytime soon. Unless more Dave’s show up.

Anyways, it turns out Feferi and Sollux are throwing their Death Day party in the castle. You debate whether or not to chill in Tavros’s hive with all of your sweet loot (including but not limited to: a lot of swords, a lot of weird, but oddly sexy puppets, and several paintings of bizarre a dog/human girl hybrid that you’ll plan to hang up but never do), or to actually make an appearance at the party.

In the end, you decide to grace everyone in attendance with your awesome company.

“More slime cubes, _malady_?”

You turn your head to see a Dave offering you a tray, with his signature smirk on his face. You grimace and shoo him away. The problem with converting the surviving  Striders into your personal slaves is that you have to put with their sass all the fucking time.

Personally, you’d kill the whole lot of them if they didn’t have their uses, such as: waiters, janitors, footstools, and target practice.

You go back to standing moodily in the corner as the Dave wanders away, not caring when he purposely tips his tray, spills several delicious slime cubes to the ground, and doesn’t care to pick them up. In the center of a large hall in the heart of the castle, Feferi and Sollux are the life of the party

They’re teaching everyone this dance called ‘ _The Meatstick’_ which looks really stupid, but was apparently really popular with the humans at one point. Equius is there, having been invited by Sollux and Feferi, despite his exclusion from your crew. Everyone looks like their having fun, being dead and hanging out with their friends.

Everyone but you.

“Nice work today, Captain.”

Well, not _just_ you.

“Thanks, Eridan.” You turn to face your First Mate Brigadier Second Class. “Although a pirate’s job is never done.”

“Have you got more raids in mind?” Eridan strokes his chin. “I thought that today was surely the mission to end all missions. The main Dave stronghold has been taken.”

“But there are still other groups out there, Dave’s who took off during the early days of the campaign.” Your eyes drift to the dance floor. “There’s no point in stopping now, not when there’s sport to be had.”

Eridan follows your gaze and smirks. In the middle of the hall, Aradia and Gamzee are taking turns limbo-ing under Tavros’s wooden legs.

“So I heard about his close call today.” Eridan nods towards Tavros, still grinning. “Must have been scary, huh?”

“Not any scarier than the possibility of losing any of my crew.”

“Yes, but _him_ specifically. You used to be his Matesprit. You crippled him, murdered him, and took over his life in death. Must have been frightening to almost see all your hard-work go to waste.”

You turn to face Eridan, lip raised in a snarl.

“Is there a point to this, Ampora? Or are you just looking to get your face tenderized?”

“Just trying to see what makes you tick.” Eridan leans in close. “And figure out why you keep a loser like him around, when there are much better prospects available.”

“Should I tell your own Matesprit that we’re having this conversation?” You put a hand on his chest and firmly push him away.

“Nepeta and I are in an open relationship.” He rubs at his chest and winces. “I’m not the type to keep my affections exclusive.”

“You’re also not the type to know when to shut up.” You flick your hair over your shoulder and turn away. “Get lost.”

He pauses for a moment, as if to say something else equally lecherous, but eventually wanders off. You wait until his footsteps fade away before pushing away from the wall and walking across the hall towards the door.

This party blows. You’ve got better things to do than to bitterly watch people have fun.

You’ve just rested your hand on the cool wood of the door, when there is a sudden _boom_ from over your shoulder. You turn and look back towards the festive hall. There, in the very center of what used to be a bumping time, swirls a bright-red portal. It opens wide and from its mysterious depths emerges a green-skinned figure of monstrous proportions, flanked by a trio of trolls.

“Deceased inferiors,” Rumbles the monster with a voice layered with magic. “Gather near so that you may be enlightened.”

All of the partiers, who had been festing not moments before, cautiously approach. You return to the group as well, curious as to whom this mysterious being is. Up close, you can now clearly see that his companions are none other than Karkat and Kanaya, as well as a second female troll you do not recognize.

“Who the fuck are you?” Asks Gamzee.

“I am your salvation.” The monster is clothed in red god tier garb and wears a gleaming, golden ring on his finger. “I’m here to offer you a choice. As a god of impossible power, it would be a good idea to listen to what I have to say. If you all join me, on my quest to rule all of existence, then you will be greatly rewarded.”

“What have you done to Karkitty!?” Nepeta asks, pointing at her former flushed crush.

“He is unharmed, just under my control.”

“I can tell that much! I’m talking about his leg!”

“Oh. Uh… I don’t know. He was like that when I found him.” The alien waves his hand noncommittally. “Listen, that’s not important. What say thee to my proposition?”

“How did you find them?” Asks Aradia, once again referring to Karkat and Kanaya. “Weren’t they with our human friends?”

“Yes. Yes, they were in the company of humans, but I took control of them, killed all the humans, and teleported away. Now I’m building an evil army. Who wants to join?”

“You killed the humans.” Equius steps forward. “That’s not possible. How?”

“I created a miniature gravitational orb of solar energy using the powers vested in me by my new magic ring. Listen, guys. I’m trying to offer you the chance of a lifetime and I think you’re all getting side tracked…”

“You couldn’t have killed them!” Equius continues. “They would be here if you had!”

“Okay, so maybe they survived. I really don’t care.” The monster shrugs. “Now, back to my universe domination offer…”

“How did you get the ring?” You speak up then. “I thought Jack Noir had it.”

“The humans had it. So anyways, as I was saying…”

“The humans….” You repeat quietly, completely tuning out the monster as he proceeds to ramble about some bullshit.

A lot of questions have just been raised. Is Jack Noir dead? Where are the humans now? If they aren’t in the void, then where?

Amongst the questions, there are thoughts as well…

 John had the ring and he didn’t bring it to you.

You trusted him.

You dumped him.

You loved him though, right? He loved you.

He didn’t save you. He promised that he would and he didn’t.

You look up at the giant, green monster. This guy comes out of nowhere, with your former friends under his control, with the ring of power that was supposed to be yours, claiming to have killed all the humans possibly. Where does he get off? Does he really expect you to just run up and join his evil army?

As if!

“I’m in.” Eridan says, walking up to the monster’s side.

“Eridan!” Nepeta cries in outrage. “You can’t go with this guy! We don’t know anything about him!”

“I know that he’s evil and that he wants to rule of all existence. That’s enough for me.” Eridan folds his arms and looks around the rest of the group. “If any of you have an ounce of functioning brain cells, then you’d join us as well.”

You ponder Eridan’s words. Yeah, this guy seems evil as all fuck, powerful too, with abilities such as energy manipulation, teleportation, and time-travel judging by his god tier attire. If you were smart, you’d join up with this guy.

There are options to be weighed. What will make you the _best_? Joining this guy and ruling by his side? Or fighting him, besting him, and saving the universe? In the end, both courses of action begin the same:

“I’ll join too.” You depart from your crew and join Eridan’s side.

Everyone else looks a little unsure, save for Equius.

“You aren’t leaving here with _them_.” He growls, pointing towards Karkat, Kanaya, and the third troll under this stranger’s control. “Release them at once.”

“Oh, really?” The monster bends down, getting closer to Equius. “What are you going to do to stop me?”

Equius opens his mouth to respond, but before he can even enunciate one syllable, the alien sizes him by the neck and squeezes until his head pops off like the cork from the end of a champagne bottle. Everyone is stunned into silence as Equius’s limp body slumps to the floor and then disappears from the void.

“Anyone else?” Asks the monster.

No one speaks.

“Very well then. Last chance to join me.”

After a moment, Nepeta, Sollux, Feferi, Gamzee, and Aradia all move to stand by your side. Only Tavros is left. Your former Matesprit stands on wobbly wooden legs, alone, facing the monster and his new crew of evil associates.

“I- I think I’ll stay here, if it’s all the same to you.” Tavros stammers, fidgeting with his hands.

“Very well. I don’t think your crippled ass would be all that useful anyways.” The monster points towards his portal. “Onwards, my friends.”

Everyone obediently enters, following after the brainwashed Karkat, Kanaya, and still unnamed third, female troll. Nepeta seems a little more subdued that usual, probably because she just watched her formal Morial get popped like a Christmas cracker. Gamzee casts a final look at Tavros before disappearing. You guess whatever it is those two had wasn’t all that solid if they could be separated so easily. Oh well.

Finally, there is no one left other than you, the monster, and Tavros.

“Tavros.” You call to him. “You should come with us.”

He just shakes his head in response and retreats a few shaky steps.

“No. I’ll stay.”

Why does he always have to be so stubborn? Why does he always have to be so gog-dammed stupid?

“Tavros. There won’t be another chance like this. Come on.”

A heavy hand falls on your shoulder. You look up to see the monster grinning down at you. A ball of sickness forms in your gut at the sight of his twisted grin.

“Leave the weak.” The monster growls. “Come.”

With his large hand on your shoulder, you’re steered from the castle hall and through the portal. You try to look at Tavros one last time, but by the time you turn, the portal is gone and you’re no longer in the void.

You’re standing on the black surface of a large monolith-like structure. The ground is black as oil and seems to stretch on and on to the far horizon. Up above, spans an endless blanket of stars. You’ve waited a long time to see these stars again. You’ve waited a long time for John and for the rush of life once again too.

So much for that.

Right now though, in the presence of this monster, you don’t feel… anything. There isn’t any triumph in escaping the void. You left Tavros behind, everything that you worked so hard for to build a life in that endless space. All for nothing now that you’re with this mysterious stranger.

You have to make sure this was not in vain.

“Where are we?” You ask of your new companion. Or is he your new master?

No. He is _not_ your master. He is your tool, to be used and cast aside when you’re done. You will bide your time and strike when the time is right, dethroning him when he least expects it and saving the universe from his no doubt shitty rule.

Then you will be a hero.

“An old Cherub construct, two hundred units before it’s destruction.” The monster explains, as if that clarifies anything. “I’ve brought us here so that I can become more effective with my new abilities. We won’t be staying long. There’s a lot of work to do, time lines to be exploited, worlds to destroy.”

“Alright,” You follow him as he begins to walk across the construct, trailed by your crew. “So what do we call you?”

“Call me…” He hesitates. “Call me _: Lord English_.”

“Okay, that’s a little bit of a weird name, but whatever floats your boat.”

“That’s right. Now,” Lord English waves his hand, opening up another portal through time and space. “Let’s get started.”

* * *

=> Be Aradia Megido

You are Aradia Megido.

It turns out that working with the most powerful being in the universe wasn’t such a bad idea. He’s pretty nice most of the time, except when he isn’t and randomly lashes out for no reason. You hope that he doesn’t become one of those criminal bosses that you see in the movies. You know the ones, the criminal bosses who kill their own henchmen when they get angry and no one questions it.

That’s bullshit.

Anyways, the first few days that you spend under his employee really aren’t all that bad. He meditates in silence for hours, disappears through magical portals to go gog knows where and do gog knows what, and he sometimes tells pretty funny jokes too.

“Why couldn’t the wriggler open the can of grub sauce?”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD! HAHAHAHHAHHA.”

Classic!

One day though, he asks for your help.

“You, troll with the curved horns.” He says, pointing towards you.

“Yes?” You stand up from where you had been chilling with Sollux and Feferi and run to Lord English’s side. “What do you need, sir?”

“We’re going on a mission.” He explains, taking you by the shoulder. With a wave of his hand, he summons another inter-dimensional portal. “I’ve recently been made aware of an ancient and powerful artifact that was once lost throughout time and space, one with which I intend to imbue with power.”

“Treasure hunting? Fuck yes!” You feel a bubble of excitement warm your chest. “You know, I think you should bring Vriska along as well. She’s good at this sort of thing too.”

“I need the troll with a bitchy attitude to stay here.” He answers simply. You sort of wish that he would learn all of your names. “Follow me. We will return shortly.”

You do as he says and enter the portal, leaving behind the Cherub structure and stepping out onto the sandy beach on the edge of an exotic-looking jungle. The trees are red and the sand is green, but you don’t really find that disturbing. You’re finally somewhere _new_.

 Lord English exits the portal behind you just in time to see your grinning face.

“You like this?” He asks, striding confidently towards the dense foliage.

You have to jog to keep up with his long, powerful strides.

“Yes, sir! Treasure hunting like this has always been a passion of mine, especially in cool and interesting locations.”

“That’s good to hear. I think you’re going to enjoy this then.”

He walks through the bushes, trees, and vines like they aren’t even there, smashing everything in his path under his large feet or shoving it aside with his muscular arms. You jog a few yards behind him, following the red of his god tier cloak as it flutters in the breeze.

After a few minutes of this, he comes to a stop. You’ve entered a small clearing of trees, so small that the canopies of the surrounding leaves interlock above, giving the whole area a dark and gloomy ambiance.

You like it.

In the very center of the clearing, is a jagged hole leading straight down into the earth, almost as if an earthquake had split the earth long ago.

“Descend.” Lord English commands. “Go and find the treasure, then bring it to me.”

“You aren’t coming?”

“No. I- uh… can’t fit. I can’t fit.”

“Oh. Well okay.” Unfurling your bullwhip, you give it a solid _crack_ that brings another smile to your lips.

This is going to be fun.

You crack your whip again, this time wrapping it around the trunk of a nearby tree. With sure, confident strides, you step up to the crack in the ground and lower yourself inside, using your whip as a rope. You catch a final look of Lord English’s smirking face before you disappear into the earth.

Soon there is nothing but darkness, but you are not scared, quite the opposite. Trolls are naturally nocturnal creatures and the blackness of the void has well adapted you to the absence of light. Hell, being dead has adapted you to a lot of things, such as the fact that your existence is a tortured one that can only be remedied by the sweet kiss of death.

Once you accept that, things become better. You’re happier, less gloomy or nonchalant. You see the value in making other’s and yourself smile, because if you don’t, then what’s the point of living in the first place? Heavy thoughts as you touch down on the sandy floor of the pit. With a twist of your wrist, your whip unfurls from around the tree and you pull it down to re-secure it to your waist.

Shit down here is still darker than the inside the inside of a refrigerator when the door is closed. However, that’s no problem to a time-tested adventurer like yourself! Reaching into your adventurer’s satchel, you…

Oh... Oh, yeah.

You gave your satchel to Karkat on LOLAR just before you died for the first time. He wasn’t wearing it when he was kidnapped by Lord English, so it’s probably still on whatever meteor the humans were supposedly living on.

That sucks. You probably should have imagined one for yourself before leaving the void, but whatever. You can’t do anything about that now.

You tear off the hem of your skirt, feel around in the darkness for an abandoned stick, and create a makeshift torch. You light it by smacking two rocks together until they spark and soon enough, the whole inside of the cave is illuminated with the flickering light of an orange flame.

“I still got it.” You say confidently as you continue further into the underground.

Following a long, stone corridor you find yourself in a large, cavernous room. The ground is littered with skeletal corpses, unlike any you’ve ever seen. A few of the skeletons have three arms, some have five, empty eye sockets, one has a tail, and a couple look like it used to have wings. You are not the first alien to have come here in search of a lost treasure.

Looking for what may have caused these deaths, you find nothing but another large hole in the ceiling far above, much like the one you entered through.

“Hmm. It looks these guys fell down that hole, broke their butts, and starved to death.” You shake your head and begin stepping over corpses. “What a way to go.”

Across the room, past the skeletal pile, you are faced with a large pit. Quickly pulling out your whip once more, you waste no time in wrapping it around a stalactite and swinging across.

 “Easy squeezy, lemon peazy.” You take another step and here a solid _thunk_ as a pressure plate beneath your foot sinks into the ground.

Suddenly, a lemon meringue pie falls out of the ceiling on top of your head with a _splat_ , a punching glove on a spring pops out of the wall and jabs you in the nose, and finally a torrent of water balloons descend from a hole in the ceiling, simultaneously drenching you and knocking you flat on your ass.

You lay on the ground for a moment, a wet, sticky, and bruised mess. However, these physical determents are nothing to the emotional abuse you just sustained.

Dungeon traps! Only a greenie noob would fall for that sort of horsecock!

Climbing to your feet, you wipe pie filling from your eyes and continue into the dungeon in search of Lord English’s treasure. You eventually find it upon entering another room, this time smaller than the one with all the skeletons. There, on a raised pedestal, rests a golden scepter.

It glimmers in the dim light and seems to hum with a mystical sort of energy. If you were looking for an ancient and powerful artifact, you just found it.

Careful of further dungeon traps, you cautiously cross the room and approach the scepter. It rests horizontally across a pair of metal ‘y’ beams. Surely removing the scepter will activate another pressure system and trap combo, potentially injuring you.

This is going to be tricky.

Taking your torch in one hand, you grab the scepter with the other. The metal is warm, despite being untouched for possibly millennia. Very slowly, like a surgeon, you remove one end of the scepter from its holdings and slide in your torch. Repeating the process, you liberate the artifact, leaving the torch in its place.

“Heh. Now we’re rolling.”  You confidently tuck the scepter into the waistband of your skirt and turn to leave.

Then a motherfucking giant boulder erupts from a hidden compartment in the wall and starts rolling towards you.

“Gog-dammit!” You turn and run, with the boulder quickly following, crushing smaller rocks and littered skulls as it rolls across the ground.

You sprint down the hallway and back out into the large room with all the skeletons, the pit you swung across before is still there, but there’s no time to pull out your whip. Leaning forward, you rush towards the pit as fast as you can and leap across the gap. For a second, you think you miscalculated the distance and resign yourself to a meaningless death at the bottom of the abyss, but then your hands connect with the opposite ledge.

Clinging to the solid ground for your life, you twist your neck to watch the boulder as it follows you over the edge, but down to the ground far below.

“Take that, you round sonovabitch.” You grunt as you climb up.

You have to give whoever built these dungeon traps some credit. They’re really original and interesting!

When you return to Lord English, you’re dusty, dripping wet, bruised, and still grinning the widest you’ve grinned in a long time.

“Milord.” You present him with the scepter.

He just smiles, causing powerful shivers to run up and down your spine.

* * *

 

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are once again Vriska Serket. You’re working for an evil bastard, but that doesn’t mean you’re evil too.

Right?

Now that Lord English has that scepter, he spends a lot of time with it, cradling the thing like it’s a new-born wriggler, whispering to it, crooning to it. The whole scenario is disgusting to watch, made even worse by the fact that he won’t let _anyone_ besides himself touch it.

“One touch by any mere mortal could destroy all of existence.” He boasted one evening, holding up his weapon for all to see.

“So wait. If all a mortal guy needs to do is touch that scepter to destroy the universe, doesn’t that make mortals really dangerous? Or powerful?” Asked Sollux.

“No. It makes any mortal who dares touch this artifact a dumbass. They cannot wield it’s power like I can.”

“Well what does it motherfucking do?” Gamzee, out of everyone, was having the hardest time working for Lord English, simply because he saw it as almost too boring to bear.

“Thanks to my enchantments, this scepter now grants the wielder un-inhibited access to time and space. I use it as a way to conserve my energy, insuring that I am never without my all-powerful abilities.”

Your ears perk up at this. Ever since you’ve entered Lord English’s service, you’ve been plotting ways to defeat him. This scepter sounds like a pretty stand up idea, or at least the beginning to one. If you can just get your hands on it, maybe you’d stand a chance against him.

You just have to wait for the perfect moment.

As time progresses, you are given more tasks by Lord English. Some are pointless: watch the rest of the group while I’m gone, sew up this hole in my cloak, help me find my contact lens- I’m pretty sure that I lost it around here somewhere.

And then some… Some tasks are pretty awesome:

Come with me and help me kidnap a younger version of myself from a different game session, help me rescue a specific troll girl before the destruction of Alternia so that she can watch over my younger self and rule over an alternate dimension version of earth until the time comes where I am to be rescued, help me create an omnipotent puppet-being that will insure the humans activate The Scratch, rescue me from the Condense, and set this whole series of events off again.

Well… at least that’s how he explains it. You don’t follow what he’s talking about most of the time. When he talks about this stuff though, his _master plan_ , his eyes go blank, opening up windows to his brain where time and space are nothing but tools to be exploited. He understands things that you do not understand, sees things that you do not see.

In the end, you simply do as your told and bide your time.

“Does he have to look so… weird.” Feferi asks.

You, Lord English, Feferi, Sollux, and Aradia are standing beside a work bench on the cherub construct where you’ve made your home. Splayed out on the bench, is the limp puppet-corpse of Lord English’s newest addition to your evil team.

You, along with Feferi and Gamzee had spent a long time alchemizing all the different pieces to this guy per Lord English’s specifications. It was tedious and boring and it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort at all.

“He does not look weird.” Answers Lord English, caressing the spherical head with a sickening amount of tenderness. “He’s perfect.”

“Well then why don’t you just kiss him then?” Sollux sneers, folding his arms.

Feferi giggles and Aradia cracks a smile. Lord English smiles too, although you’re pretty sure it’s not because he thought Sollux was funny.

“I feel like you aren’t taking this seriously, troll with funny lisp.”

“My name’s Sollux.”

“And I really, _really_ couldn’t give two shits.” Waving his hand, Lord English summons a white orb of glowing light on his palm.

“Oooooooh.” Feferi says what everyone else is thinking.

Lord English presses the orb of light into the puppet’s chest and suddenly, the body spasms as if being struck with a jolt of electricity. After a second of feeble thrashing the puppet goes still once more.

“He will ensure that the Scratch takes place.” Explains Lord English, adjusting the puppet’s limbs so that it fits better on the table. “I have given him life. Now, all he needs is a brain.”

“Whoa, hold up. You gave him life? You can do that?”

“I can do many things thanks to the Black King’s ring.” Lord English polishes the powerful jewelry on his cloak. “The previous wearer barely understood his responsibilities, let alone the power at his disposal. Dumbass.”

“Okay, whatever.” You honestly dislike it when Lord English gets all rambly and cryptic like that. “So you just threw a ball of life into this guy, now where do we get this brain? I want to get this over as soon as possible.”

“I’m going to need a volunteer.” His eyes fell upon the mind-controlled forms of Karkat, Kanaya, and Damara, who typically just stand motionless and wait to be bossed around. “Possibly more than one.”

“I’ve actually been meaning to ask you about them.” Sollux begins. “You know, if you took that headband off of KK and let me talk to him, I could probably convince him to work with you of his own free will.”

“No. These trolls stay under my command.” Lord English motioned for his zombies to join him. “They are unlike you. They are not in debt to me, nor will they willingly join me. Not after what I did to their companions, in the very least.”

Grabbing Karkat by the middle, Lord English lifts him in the air. For a second, you think he’s going to snap the poor troll over his knee. Sollux must reach the same conclusion:

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing?” He rushes forward.

“I’m going to harvest this angry troll’s weak brains and insert it into my Scratch Doctor as a basis for a much more intelligent being to form.” Lord English answers simply. “Why do you ask?”

“Because… Because well…” Sollux shifts nervously. He looks from Feferi, to the limp puppet body, and finally to Karkat. He swallows hard. “Don’t you think it would be better to start off with a _smarter_ brain?”

“This one isn’t smart enough?” Lord English shakes Karkat like wriggler does their twelfth perigee's eve presents just before they open them.

“Nope. Not at all.”  Sollux steps forward again. “But I’m pretty smart.”

“Sollux.” Feferi’s eyes widen. “What are you…”

“How smart?” Asks Lord English.

“On a scale of one to ten, I’m like a sixteen.”

“That is impressive.” Lord English seizes Sollux, dropping Karkat to the ground with a muffled _‘ow’_. “You will be a good basis for something much greater. We will honor your sacrifice.”

“Wait. No!” Feferi cries.

But it’s too late. Lord English breaks Sollux in half and begins peeling him apart so as to remove his brain.

Feferi wails in agony and Aradia grabs her before she could run towards him. They both look away as Lord English works, but you stand firm and watch. You’re going to want to remember this for when you get your revenge.

“Alright, congratulations.” You speak to him as he works. “You’ve got Sollux’s brain in a puppet. What’s that going to accomplish?”

“He’s going to learn.” Lord English firmly re-attaches the spherical head onto the green-suited body. “And then he’s going to die. After his purpose is served, of course.”

After he is finished, he motions for you and the troll girl (who you now know is named _Damara_ ) to follow him, as he slings the puppet over his shoulder. You do as you’re told, despite the fact that standing next to the brain-washed Damara makes you feel as if you might as well be wearing one of those headbands too.

“You, troll with curved horns.” He points to Aradia. “Watch over the group until we return.”

Aradia doesn’t respond, but leads the sobbing Feferi away. You suppose that Lord English trusts her though, since he opens up another inter-dimensional portal and leads the way through. You follow and find yourself not on another planet or in a strange exotic location, but in a hallway. The corridor is painted a sickly green color and is decorated with fancy looking paintings, artwork, and other cool stuff.

Lord English flops his puppet onto the ground and then seizes Damara.

“Hold her.” He commands, shoving her into you.

You wrap your arms around her chest, just like you’re told, and then watch with suppressed curiosity as Lord English removes her red headband. Instantly, the troll girl begins to struggle in your arms, but you do you do your best hold her steady. You’re much stronger than she is and taller too, which gives you the upper hand when she starts fighting dirty.

Her elbow comes back and strikes you right in the boob. You grit your teeth and tighten your grip, restricting her movements further. Lord English raises his scepter and presses it to Damara’s forehead. Her struggles cease immediately as she goes into some sort of trance.

“What are you doing to her?” You ask.

“Sending her back in time.” He answers and retracts his scepter. “Watch.”

Before your eyes, Damara’s hardened eyes soften, her cheeks become rounder, her jaw-line becomes less defined, and a small scar above her eye brow is wiped away as if it were a simple smear of grub sauce. In short, she grows younger.

“She’ll watch over my Scratch Doctor while I’m attending to other, more pressing matters.”

“You really think she’s going to do anything you tell her to do? After all that you did to her?”

“She’ll remember none of it. As far as she’s concerned, it hasn’t even happened yet.” Lord English grins at taps his scepter against his own skull. “That’s what makes this scepter so powerful, the ability of the wielder to send themselves back in time, altering alpha-timelines whilst maintaining their integrity. Everything about her is being reversed, her age, her intelligence, even her memory. This little troll girl has just found herself in a time-loop.”

You take a second to figure this out for yourself. So Damara is going to live her life, serving the Scratch Doctor until she is rescued by John, then she’ll be captured by Lord English and sent back in time to serve the Scratch Doctor again. Over and over again for all existence.

And she won’t have any idea.

You shiver at the thought and eye Lord English’s scepter with a new-found respect.

You want one.

On the ground, the puppet or Scratch Doctor stirs. You take a big step back despite yourself, something about the blank, emotionless face is so off-putting. You watch from a safe distance as the Scratch Doctor climbs to his feet.

You can’t help yourself:

“Sollux?” You ask hesitantly. “Are you in there?”

The puppet simply stands there, unmoving.

“Your troll friend is gone. Only his brain remains, but that will soon be wiped clean to make room for more knowledge.” Lord English rubs the Scratch Doctor’s head as if to ruffle its non-existent hair. “You’re going to be a regular braniac, aren’t you? A near omnipotent, douchebag.” Still smiling, Lord English motions for you to follow. “Let us leave. Doc Scratch and this troll girl will gain functionality soon and it’s best if we aren’t here when they do.”

* * *

After you return to the cherub construct, you call a meeting with your remaining troll friends, at least the ones not being brain-controlled. By this time, the news of Sollux’s fate has reached the ears of everyone on team Lord English.

No one is _not_ sad.

“He just killed him for no good reason. Is anyone going to question that?” Asks Aradia, looking around the assembled group. No one speaks up. “Damn. This is such bullshit!”

“He had reasons, maybe one’s that we don’t fully understand, but they’re still reasons.” You rub your chin thoughtfully. It’s times like this that you wish you had a sweet beard to stroke. “Also he’s too powerful to take on right now.”

“Right now.” Feferi repeats. Her eyes are flushed fuchsia behind her goggles, but she looks at you with a strange hope. “That means you have a plan, right?”

You nod.

“We can’t keep working for this guy.” You begin. “Every time we do something for him, he becomes more and more powerful. That scepter of his has the power to control time or something like that. If we can get it from him, maybe we can defeat him.”

“How do we nab that stick though?” Asks Gamzee. “That motherfucker always has that shit with him.”

“We shouldn’t even be having this conversation.” Eridan suddenly snaps. “Our fair Lord English has treated you all well thus far and this is how you repay him. With treason?!”

“Sollux…”

“Sollux served a purpose for the greater good, Fef!” Eridan backs out of the circle. “I will have no part of this. When your little act of defiance fails and you are all dead. I will laugh. HA!”

You wait until he is out of earshot before continuing.

“Alright so fuck that fishy asshole.” Everyone gathers closer together. “Here’s what I have planned.”

* * *

=> Be Eridan Ampora

You are now Eridan Ampora. Last time you were in this position it didn’t really turn out so well. You betrayed your friends for Jack Noir, got beaten with hammer, and tossed into a pit of Horrorterrors.

This time, things will probably be better. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself.

Lord English is standing on the edge of the cherub construct, staring into the emptiness of deep space and clutching his scepter tightly in his massive, clawed hand.

“Excuse me, Milord.” You bow deeply as you speak to your new master.

Slowly, he turns and you stifle a gasp. His eyes, which were normally red, now flash a myriad of colors in quick succession.

“Do you like what you see?” Asks Lord English bending to bring his insane eyes closer to yours.

“I-I think they’re very fear-instilling, sir.”

“Really? Hmmm. That wasn’t really what I was going for, but I’ll take it.” Lord English adjust his cloak. “What is it, metrosexual troll? You didn’t come just to quiver in my presence, did you?”

“I fear that you may have traitors in your midst, milord.” You speak quickly. “Some of my companions, but not me of course cause I think you’re the best, feel like they are being mistreated by your fair and just leadership. I told them that they were wrong, but they would not listen. I just thought you should know.”

Lord English examines you for a moment. It takes all of your willpower to look directly into his billiard ball eyes as they flash continuously. It’s hypnotizing and maddening and a hundred other things that make you want to run and hide and never venture out again into the light of day.

“Thank you.” Says Lord English. “You shall be rewarded for your loyalty. In good time, of course.”

Then he walks away, leaving you to sigh in relief and wonder just what exactly you’ve gotten yourself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels like the beginning of the end to me.
> 
> The mid-season finale of the Walking Dead aired on Sunday and man, let me tell you, it was pretty good! The Walking Dead typically has really good mid-season finales. In fact, I can't think of a single one that was bad. Some of the episodes before (season two) were kind of shit and the some after (season three) were kind of shit, but the mid-season finale is always pretty solid. I won't say spoilers if you haven't watched it, but some of the most brutal executions and fights took place in this episode and damn, yall know I got a little dizzy. Badass Rick Grimes is back and here to stay.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	63. ACT 7 - PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Chillin for commenting.

=> Be Jade Harley.

You are Jade Harley. Where does the good go?

More importantly: where the fuck did Dave Strider go?

“DAVE!!!” You stand atop the tallest hill you can find and shout through your cupped hands.

Your voice echoes around the barren landscape of the grey meteor, but there is no response. Cursing under your breath, you look through your fingers towards the next large hill and teleport to it. You yell his name again, with another pregnant silence in response.

“You better be unconscious, you sonovabitch!!!”

Being punted, like a football through a field goal, doesn’t sound like a heroic death to you. Yeah, Dave can be a piece of shit, but you don’t think he’s done anything _too_ despicable to earth a just death either. So either he’s lying unconscious at the bottom of a ravine, or he’s been punted clear out the meteor’s gravitational field and into deep space.

You keep looking.

The next hill is fruitless, so is the valley after that and the cliff side after _that_. Your hands are starting to shake from all the teleporting you’re doing and when you glance behind you, you’re almost certain that you can see a ghost of your former self standing on the last hill top.

You quickly face forward again and look through your fingers once more, this time towards a neat collection of boulders on the side of a steep slope. Suddenly, a loud _beep_ nearly causes you to piss your tights.

A flash of purple dances around your glasses. You reach up and tap the rim quickly.

“Jade?” Rose’s voice sounds a little strained. “Jade, are you there?”

“Yeah. What is it? I’m sort of in the middle of something.”

“John asked me to check in. You’ve been gone for a while.”

“Well, I’m still looking for Dave.” You jog across the grey landscape, unsure if teleporting will interrupt your call with Rose or not. “What’s going on there? He hasn’t come back, has he?”

“No. We’ve seen no sign of him, although I’m confident that he is alive, maybe not well, but definitely alive. He is not answering any of my calls, but that might just be because his shades are damaged.” Rose’s voice beings to steady, becoming firmer. “We’re salvaging what we can from the wreckage and plotting our next step.”

“What is our next step? Karkat and Kanaya were taken, we were almost killed, some… _monster_ is running around with the golden ring.” You come to a slow stop and lean against a nearby boulder. Saying all that stuff out loud has made you a little dizzy. How could things go from _‘ok’_ to _‘complete shit’_ so quickly? “Rose, what are we going to do?”

Rose is silent for a moment. All you hear are the muffled voices in the background as they argue or mourn or do whatever it is _real_ heroes do when things take a turn for the worse. You don’t feel very heroic at the moment, Damara and, you suppose that it was _Caliborn,_ walked right up to you and stole the ring so easily. It had been a mistake to let you hold it and for you to be up there alone. You can’t help but feel like some of this is your fault.

“We’re going to do what we always do when things look grim: pick up the pieces and press on. We need to get off this meteor and take the alphas to their lands so that they can reach god tier. That is our next step.”

“We aren’t leaving without Dave.”

“That goes without saying.”

You push away from the boulder and continue to jog forward, not in any particular direction, just forward.

“I’m going to keep looking.”

“If you don’t find anything soon, call us and we’ll set up a more organized searching party.” Rose’s voice becomes muted as she speaks to someone else. “I’ve got to go.  Good luck, Jade.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

She hangs up, leaving you to scourer the rocky surface of the meteor for your missing boyfriend. After about another two minutes of searching, you start to get really, _really_ pissed. Pissed at everything really, at yourself for losing the ring, at John for bringing Caliborn right to you, at Dave for NOT FUCKING ANSWERING WHEN YOU CALL FOR HIM.

You look through your fingers once more, setting your sights on a cool outcropping of rock, but stop yourself before you can complete the teleportation. A sudden thought strikes you.

You are an idiot.

Raising your hands above your head, you concentrate with all of your might, dig deep into your stores of witchly, spacey, awesome powers and teleport Dave Fucking Strider right into your arms. He falls into your grasp and you catch him a little sloppily, causing you to stumble and fall to the ground.

“Dave.” You shake him gently, clutching his limp form tightly against you chest. “Wake up, Dave.”

He doesn’t respond, unless glaring up at you through those stupid shades of his counts as a response.

“Come on. Wake up.” You slap his face gently. His skin is like ice and for a second you fear that he might be dead, but then you notice the slow rise and fall of his chest. “Dave, I’m here. I’ve got you.”

You reach up and remove the shades from his face, revealing the closed eyes beneath. With a pair of fingers, you part his eye lids and see the blood-red pupil beneath dilate with the sudden exposure to light. He shudders and blinks, coming back to life in your arms.

“J-Jade?” He gasps, looking around wildly. “What the- fuck? Where’s Caliborn? Are you crying? Where the hell are my shades?”

“Shut up, fuckass.” You order, kissing him before he can start talking again.

When you break apart, Dave doesn’t waste any time:

“That was nice. Thanks.” He shifts away, climbing out of your embrace and staggering to his feet.. “But seriously where the fuck is everyone?”

“Back at what’s left of the temple. I came out here to find you.” You jump to his feet as well. “What happened to you?”

“Caliborn kicked me into sub-orbit. Can you believe that shit?” Daves brushes small ice crystals from his pants. “How did you find me?”

“I didn’t, not really. I teleported you to me! Good thing too. A few minutes longer and you probably would have been dead.”

“I would have come back though, right?”

“Yeah, but you’d still be in space, stuck in an endless death loop of misery.” You step forward and hug him again, tightly. “But you’re safe now.”

“Yeah. Thanks for that, by the way.” He pries his shades from your fingers and dons them once more before returning the embrace. “How are you doing?”

“Better.”

“You’re not hurt or anything?”

“I…” You hesitate to tell him about your death at the hands of Damara and Caliborn. That’d probably bring up all sorts of overprotective drama and revenge vows. “I’m alright. Nothing too bad. We should get back to the others though. They might need our help.”

“Alright.”

Hugging Dave around the middle, you teleport the pair of you back to the temple ruins. It’s just as shitty as you remember it. The four walls and ceiling are gone thanks to you, along with almost everything inside. John is conversing with a bloody and bruised Dirk Strider nearby, Rose is tending to Roxy, and not ten feet away lies Terezi Pyrope in a tiny puddle of violently-red sick.

“I had an accident.” She moans as you and Dave approach her.

“Where the fuck are your pants?” Dave asks the most obvious question.

Terezi just shrugs and throws up again. You decide to give her some privacy for the time being whilst you and Dave converse with the rest of the group in the wake of yet another colossal shit fest. It’s quite amazing really. Like seriously, did you expect everything to just go the way you’d planned from here on out?

You’re just like one of those people who go through life, wadding through shit and hoping that there will be something better around the next corner.

Only there isn't. There’s just more shit.

You must look really sad, because Dave suddenly grabs your hand tightly. You turn to look at him, but his face is just as impassive as always. There’s no comfort or compassion in his glassy eyes, but then again, there never had been. His hand is warm in yours and that reminds you that he’s there, that he always has been, that he will be, and right now that’s enough.

“Oh thank god.” John’s face lights up when he sees you. “You’re both alright.”

“For the most part, yeah.” Dave and John bump fists. “What happened here?”

“Caliborn.” Growls Dirk in response. “He fucked up my shit and then kidnapped Karkat and Kanaya.”

“He escaped through a portal. We don’t know where though.” John sighs. “This is all my fault.”

“No one’s going to argue with you on that point.” You state frankly. You’re a little fed-up with this sort of bullshit. “That’s one thing that doesn’t need to be discussed. What we need to talk about is what we do next.”

“We stick with the plan, or what’s left of it.” Rose joins the group then, wiping bloody fingers on her pristine robes. “We need to get off this meteor and through the Horrorterror portal to LOWAS. Then we get the alphas to god tier and track down Caliborn to save our friends.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask about this god tier business.” Dirk begins. He’s pressing an icepack to his rather swollen nose at the moment. “What does that entail exactly?”

“You have to die.” Answers John simply. “We’ve all done it. You come back though so don’t worry.”

“Oh yeah, consider me completely unworried.” Dirk smirks. “I’ve never been so complacent in my life. Yeah, let me just kill myself real quick. No problem at all.”

“When the time comes, it’s easier than you may think.” Rose responds darkly.

“How’s Roxy?” John quickly changes the subject. “Will she be ready to move in a little bit?”

“She’s fine and yes, she should be ready to travel when we are. The Alchemiter is still in-tact, surprisingly. I recommend we refashion your weapons before we venture forward. What lays on the other side of the portal on LOWAS may not be very pleasant.”

“Agreed.” John motions for Dirk, with is now very curly sword, to follow him towards the Alchemiter.

“I see that you fixed John’s god tier outfit.” Dave comments as they walk away. “That’s nice, although I can’t help but wonder why your hella cool bro didn’t get a costume change too.”

“That’s because my hella cool bro is responsible for shedding his entire god tier attire and scattering the blood-soaked pieces across the LOWAS hills. I’m… somewhat responsible for the destruction of John’s god tier. It only made sense that I repair it.”

“No. It’s cool.” Dave holds up his hands. “You’re picking favorites. I get it.”

“Shut up.” Rose bats at him playfully and Dave smiles.

You watch them happily for a moment and actually take a second to count your blessings. Yeah, Caliborn kind of fucked up your shit, but… you’re family is still here, together for the most part. Karkat and Kanaya were your family too. You’ll get them back if it’s the last thing you do.

As everyone else makes their final preparations to leave this shitty meteor behind, you scour the remains of the temple for you own belongings. You find your rifle discarded amongst a pile of colorful felt, most likely all that remains of Kanaya’s collection. Everything else seems to have been destroyed or ruined beyond belief, all of your spare clothes, your collection of neat-looking rocks, and even that eleven string bass you alchemized not three hours ago is gone!

Damn the next time you see Caliborn, you’re going to kick his green ass!

You join the rest of your friends with only your rifle slung over your shoulder. Rose is trying to fit a generously-sized book into Aradia’s old adventurer’s satchel and John is slinging a backpack, most likely full of food, over his shoulder, but other than that everyone else’s belongings are depressingly scarce. The alphas had possessed very little when they’d entered the medium.

Jane is leaning on Dirk for support, her leg re-bandaged and looking a lot better than it had when she’d first shown up with John. Terezi is looking better as well, with more grey and less cyan on her face than before. Also she’s got some new pants!

“Alright. I guess this is it, huh?” John addresses the group. “Jade will teleport us as close to the portal as possible and I’ll try to float us the rest of the way through. I dunno how much air I’ll be able to bring with us, but I’ll do my best.”

“No matter what. We have to be fast.” Rose adds. “The realm of the Horrorterrors is an evil place full of debauchery and lies. Stay focused on your mission, trust your friends and we should get through unscathed.”

“Is everyone ready?”

You’re about to nod along with everyone else until you remember something.

“Wait! I’ll be right back!” You quickly turn and dash away from the group.

You scamper out of what’s left of the temple and over towards the collection of graves. The crappy headstones have been uprooted, but you remember which patch of grey dirt belongs to whom. Rose’s mom, Equius, Nepeta, and your grandpa are buried here and _will_ be buried here until you finally beat this thing.

“Uh…” Now that you’re here, standing over these people you’re a little unsure about what to say.  A prayer seems a little silly, you aren’t going to sing because you’re out of practice and probably sound like shit, so… you guess you’re just going to keep it simple. “Goodbye, I guess. We won’t forget you.”

Your grandpa was always better at stuff like this, goodbyes and whatnot. You’ve lost count of the number of times he left you alone on your island to go on some magical and wondrous adventure. Now the tables have been turned and you’re leaving him behind. The magic and wonder is gone too.

When you return to the group, everyone is waiting patiently. Of course they are, what are they going to do? Teleport themselves? Dave raises his arm, coaxing you underneath it. Not in a commanding way though, more like the way you would comfort a cherished friend or significant other.

“You alright?” He asks.

“Yeah. Yeah. I just had to said goodbye, you know?” You pat him on the chest and smile around the rest of the group. “Everyone ready now?”

“Ready when you are.” Says John.

Everyone holds onto each other, either linking arms or holding hands, or in Terezi’s case:  sloppily slinging her arms around John’s neck and trying to ride him like a pony. Out of the two girls who had spent some quality time with some Faygo, Terezi is taking the longest to sober up. Roxy is almost back to normal, although she frequently winces whenever anyone speaks to close to her ears.

“Stay close to one another, try not to freak out, and stay focused.” John raises his hands into the air and calls upon the breeze. “Jade.”

Looping your arms through Dave and Jake’s leaves your hands free. Looking through your fingers, you concentrate and pinpoint the location in space where you’d like to go: home.

In a flash, you’re gone.

* * *

 => Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. You’re getting off of this meteor, and that means you’re going back to your lands, and _that_ means there’s a good chance that you’ll bump into your Bro.

He’s still out there somewhere, alone, scared, badass, so fucking cool you can’t even begin to fathom. Even if you think you can appreciate how solid of a dude Bro is- you can’t even appreciate! Shit’s so ineffable.

The world disappears in a flash of green. For a moment, all you feel is Jade’s arm wrapped around yours and Rose’s hand, tightly clenching your other fingers. You’ll never get used to the process of teleportation. You’ll take time travel any day of the week.

Yeah, you can make arguments about how dangerous time travel is. Time loops and doomed timelines and paradoxes and accidentally becoming your own dad are all serious problems that affect all travelers of time. However, with a level of understanding of the concept such as your own, shit like that is easily avoided. No matter how good you are at space-teleportation though, there’s still a chance you could fuck up…

The green light fades, leaving you in oppressive darkness. You almost panic for a moment, thinking that Jade may have accidentally left your eyes behind on the meteor, until you begin to see the dimmed flecks of light that are stars through your dark shades.

“Good work, Jade.” John’s voice sounds muffled. “Everyone just hold on. Here we go.”

Rose tugs on your hand and then you and your whole group begin to move. Well, at least you think you do. There isn’t really anything around that you can use to judge distance. Other than the giant, swirling mass of black tentacles and mystical energy that you’re slowly moving towards, of course.

You almost cry out in pain as Rose’s fingers tighten around yours in a vice-like grip, squeezing them so tightly that you’re pretty sure you hear a small _crack_. You’re about to ask her what her deal is, but then you feel it too.

A cold chill that runs up your spine, chilling the sweat there and making it seem as if something has just crawled over your with horrible, slimy legs. You shiver and look around the rest of the group. Everyone else seems to be experiencing similar signs of discomfort, with the exception of Terezi, who appears to be nibbling on John’s hood.

“Rose.” You kick at her as gently as possible, but she doesn’t respond. “Rose, you better not wig out on me.”

 _“She’s going to die.”_ Whispers a smooth voice in your head. _“Along with everyone else.”_

You look over to Jade, the only person who’s _ever_ literally gotten into your head. However, she isn’t looking at you, but up ahead to where John is pulling the group closer and closer to the portal.

_“Do you want all of your friends to die?”_

_“Well, that’s what’s going to happen.”_

Naw. I don’t think so.

 _“It will. Unless you prevent it.”_ The voice continues. _“We can make you stronger, Dave Strider. You want to be strong, right? So you can save your friends?”_

Well, yeah… Who doesn’t want to be the strongest they can be?

_“Exactly. Remember when John was captured by the Condense? You could have protected him if you were stronger. Remember when Jade lost her fingers? If you were stronger, you could have stopped your brother. You could have saved both of them.”_

I know. I know this.

 _“Then why are we still talking about is?”_ From the darkness of space unfurls an inky black tendril of eldritch magic. It reaches towards you. _“Come on, Dave Strider. We can be together. Stronger together.”_

Sure. It only makes sense.

You try to extricate your hand from Rose’s, but find that to be a definite impossibility considering she’s still holding you in a death grip. Instead, you slip your arm out of Jade’s and reach for the tentacle. The dark appendage reaches for you as well, undulating gently. Mere inches are left between you.

You’re doing this for your friends, for the girl you love, for your Bro. Everyone will understand when they see how strong you are.

A split second before you are taken by the eldritch monsters, a flash of light suddenly explodes from your right, as if a grenade has been detonated. You retract your arm and hold it over your shades to protect your vision from the harsh light. At first you think that Jade has teleported you once more, but the light is not green and appears to be emanating from your ecto-sister instead of your girlfriend.

 _“AAAAARRUUGH!”_ The voice wails in response to the light.

Through the brightness, you can see the dark tendril as it flicks away back to the safety of the darkness. Rose speaks then, with a voice laced with magic:

“Don’t believe their lies.”

She must be using some type of crazy hero of light power that you don’t understand. You’re too suddenly exhausted to ask her about it. In fact, you’re so abruptly spent of energy that you probably would have slipped away from the group and drifted out into space were it not for Rose’s and Jade’s hands clutching each of your arms respectively.

The light has not yet faded and you’re having trouble seeing through its blinding power. All you see is the flickering of John’s long, god tier hood and the dark outline of the portal as you pass through it. There’s another period of temporary blindness, followed by your head being smashed against something very hard.

“Damn!” You curse, ripping your hand out of Rose’s to cradle the bump forming on your crown.

You barely have time to register the dark interior of a dungeon-like room ,before something collides with your back and knocks you to the floor, taking Jade down as well.

“Sorry, mate.” Jake’s weight pins you to the ground, his voice shaky. “Th- that was… something else. Haha.”

“We make it?” You ask, your voice muffled on account of your cheek being smushed against the cool, stone floor.

“Yup!” Jade sings. She rolls Jake off of you and helps you to your feet. “I _told_ you that this would be a piece of cake!”

“What happened back there?” You grip Jade’s shoulder to steady yourself. Your head is still throbbing painfully. “What was all that light and shit?”

“That was my guiding light.” Answers Rose. She’s standing across the dungeon, brushing dust from her robes. “What’s the matter? Did you not appreciate the spectacle?”

“It was a little annoying, if you really wanna know.” You smirk. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

John and Dirk are opening the door to the dungeon and peering out into the hallway beyond. Apparently the path ahead is clear, as they throw open the door, revealing a long corridor lined with steel-barred prison cells.

“Alright. Is everyone okay?” John asks, turning back to the group.

“I think I may need to lie down.” Jane responds. She’s shaking like a leaf and leaning on Roxy to keep her wounded leg off the floor. “What were those things back there?”

“Horrorterrors.” Explains Rose. “Eldritch beasts that thrive off the weakness of others and promise glorious rewards in turn for eternal servitude. I was possessed by them early in our travels. It was… unpleasant.”

“They’re gone now.” States John, as he walks over and assists Roxy in shepherding the wounded Jane towards the door. “And we won’t have to deal with them ever again. Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.”

You group moves away from the portal, down the hallway lined with cells, and up a spiral staircase into the castle proper. Dirk, who has been leading the group, brings everyone to a halt outside a pair of large doors. He presses his ear to the wood and listens.

“Voices.” He whispers back to the group and draws his sword.

“Alright. Dave and Rose, back him up.” John nods towards the door. “I don’t think we have time to waste on whoever’s on the other side of that door.”

You draw your own sword and join Dirk and Rose by the door. Taking a second to steel yourself, you nod to Dirk and then throw the door open. On the other side is a large hall, customary in most fancy castles. The difference between this hall and other medieval throne rooms though, is the fact that there are about ten black-skinned imps talking amongst themselves in the center.

Another confident smirk quirks your lip slightly.

 _Finally_ , something you can hack to pieces as easily as breathing. You’ve really needed this.

“Halt!” Orders the imp leader as you rush towards him. “You are trespassing on the property of Jack- OH GOD MY ARMS!”

You relieve the imp of both of his arms with two quick swings and then silence his screams with a quick slash across his throat. Rose blasts three of the imps away with one quick spell and Dirk chops the rest to bits. The final imp falls to the ground with a slash across his belly. Rose steps forward and plants her foot right on his chest.

“I belive your leader was about to mention Jack Noir.” She hisses, pointing one of her wands at the imp’s face. “Where is he?”

“I’m dead, you stupid human.” Wheezes the imp. Sure enough, oily blood leaks heavily from the wound in his gut. “What makes you think that I’d tell you anything?”

“Because I can either make this quick,” Rose leans forward and presses the tip of her wand to his forehead. “Or very, very _slow_.”

The imp swallows hard. You forget sometimes how much of a hard bitch Rose can be.

“He’s alive and stronger than ever.” Gasps the imp. “But that’s all you’re getting out of me.”

“ _Where_?”

“At your _mom’s_ house, human bitch!”

Rose sighs and blows his head off, scattering gross oil all over the floor. She swishes her wand, flicking oil off of it and turns to you.

“That imp was ballsy as hell.” She comments, stowing her weapons away once more.

“Do you think he was bluffing?” Dirk asks. “Jack Noir couldn’t have escaped back here, could he?”

“I don’t know. I suppose we’ll just have to keep our eyes peeled.”

The doors open and the rest of the group enters the hall. Jade frowns when she sees the black mess all over the ground.

“Aw! You guys were killing imps? Dammit, I missed those guys.” She kicks at the ground angrily.

“They’ll probably be more, so don’t worry.” John leaves Jane with Roxy and crosses towards one of the large windows set into the wall of the hall. You move over and join him to see that the land of LOWAS beyond the glass appears to be exactly as you remember it.

“I guess we’re back, huh?” You ask, leaning against the wall.

“Yeah.” John frowns. “I guess so. Come on. We’ve got work to do.”

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently part of a bizarre caravan of lovable misfits, who are hiking across the blue hills of LOWAS towards… something.

You aren’t exactly sure what you’ll find in the new lands that have been added due to the alpha player’s arrivals. Perhaps they won’t be much different than yours? Maybe they’ll be easier to navigate than LOLAR, or more hospitable than LOHAC. Frankly, it doesn’t really matter as long as the quest beds aren’t hard to find.

Up ahead, John leads the group to a hilltop and comes to an abrupt stop. Roxy, who was walking by his side comes to a halt as well and lets out a soft _“oooooOOOH!”_ You jog the rest the way to their side and stifle a gasp yourself.

At the border of LOWAS lies a strange sight, blue rocks meet orange sand and the murky clouds give way to vibrant flashes of light and color that explode above in brilliant, neon showers.

“Dope.” Says Roxy, as she beings to descend the hill towards the new land.

“Whoa! Wait!” John stumbles down after her. “We don’t know what’s in there. We’ve got to be careful.”

“Aw. Come on, Johnny.” She comes to a reluctant stop. “I’m pretty sure we can handle whatever we bump into.” She pats the long rifle strapped to her back for emphasis. “Besides I thought we were on the clock.”

“We are.” You agree. “But John’s right. We can’t risk anymore of our group getting hurt by just running blindly into the unknown.”

Roxy seems a little downtrodden, but nods along anyways. Behind you, the rest of the group crests the hill.

“Wow!” Jade gasps. “This land is way better than yours, John!”

“Thanks.” Responds John with an impressive eye roll.

“Oh, you know what I mean.” Jade lifts her rifle and peeks through the scope, examining the foreign territory. “I see pyramids and a few consorts.”

“What kind?” You ask curiously.

“Just a few salamanders. I think they may have just wandered over there.” She lowers her weapon. “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go check it out!”

“Actually, do you think we could stop for a little bit?” Jane mutters quietly. She’s currently sat on a nearby rock, rubbing her wounded leg and looking a little sheepish. “I’m sorry. It’s just… Walking isn’t very fun.”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” John moves to her side and kneels to examine her bandages. “This should be healed by now. You don’t think that the Condense’s trident had some type of evil poison magic in it, do you?”

“Shit. I hope not.” Jane scratches her chin. “Although, if _anyone_ is evil enough to do something like that, it’s probably her.”

As everyone stands around and talks, Roxy only grows more agitated. She fidgets, chews her lip, and shifts her weight from foot to foot anxiously. You’re about to ask what her problem is until she speaks up:

“I can’t stand just chilling here and doing nothing guys.” She jabs a finger over her shoulder towards the new land. “I’m hurtin to explore these mysterious acres like Frodo’s courageous ghost. Is anyone else coming with me?”

“I am!” Exclaims Jake before John can object.

“Me too!” Adds Jade. She has that sort of crazy excitement in her eyes that only come when you _know_ that the adventuring flames are burning in her heart. There’s no talking her down now.

“Guys, I really don’t think…” John begins.

“I don’t think it will hurt to send out a little scouting party, will it?” You cut him off. “I’ll accompany them and make sure they stay out of trouble.”

John looks torn and you don’t blame him. Splitting up the group has rarely ever worked out well and parting ways now, with your group numbers diminishing at an alarming rate, seems like a bad idea. However, it will only be a short while and you feel relatively confident in your team’s ability to hold their own against whatever might lay in the sandy dunes beyond.

Dave doesn’t look to happy about this idea either.

“Look,” Jade starts talking before he can even open his mouth. “I’ve got it all figured out. We’ll just head out for a bit, check out a few pyramids, see what’s what, and then we come back. If there’s any trouble I can teleport us here, no problem.” She steps forward and pecks her boyfriend on the cheek, using her feminine wiles to cloud his judgment. “Trust me?”

Dave looks around the group, bringing his eyes to settle on his best friend.

“John?” He asks.

“Let them go.” John waves you away, smiling slightly. “It’s not that big of a deal and we’ll be able to see them up from up the hill so it’s not like they’ll be going too far.”

“Yeah, plus I’m going too.” Adds Terezi. “This place smells like a delicious fruity, berry mix spread across a honey gram cracker. Hehe”

“Okay, we get it. You can smell weird shit. You don’t need to bring it up every five seconds.” Dirk folds his arms. “It’s not bothering me or whatever. I’m just saying.”

“I’d actually like you to stay here, Terezi.” John says.

“What? Why?!”

“Because it’s… safer?”

“Psssh.” Terezi snorts. “I get it, Egbert. I’m the only troll left so you feel like you have to baby me. Get over yourself. I could slice up your ass a dozen ways to the next sweep if I wanted.”

“John’s right though.” You decide to give your new boyfriend an assist, since cooperative agreements are known to strengthen romantic relationships. “We’ll be much more mobile as a scouting party with small numbers. Roxy, Jade, Jake, and I will go and be back in an hour, okay?”

Terezi’s glare misses you by a few feet, but you receive the message nonetheless. Roxy taps her foot and examines her wrist, as if a watch were strapped there.

“Great. That’s settled. Now can we go? We’re wasting…” She looks towards the sky. “Double- sunlight or something.”

“Be back in a jiffy!” Jake waves as your group departs, leaving John, Dave, Jane, Dirk, and Terezi on the LOWAS border.

You look back towards the rest of the group as you walk away. Concentrating, you try to reach out with the metaphorical fingers of foresight and see how this situating will turn out, utilizing your powers as seer of light. However, you get nothing.

Not that this is all that surprising. You haven’t exactly practiced all that much with your abilities, although now, during a crucial part of the game, it would probably be a good idea to hone your skills.

You watch as John talks animatedly with Dave about one thing or another. From this distance, and the further you go, you can’t tell what they’re talking about. Thinking back, you probably should have given John a farewell kiss or something of the like. Hindsight certainly is twenty-twenty, isn’t it?

Whatever. You’ve never been one to telegraph your affections, unlike a certain other couple who shall remain nameless.

“I think this is my land.” Roxy speaks up, from up ahead where she leads the group. “Can you guys feel that… energy?”

“What sort of energy?” Asks Jake.

“Like a tug or something.” Roxy comes to a stop and spins in a slow circle. “This way!”

Then she begins to jog across the sand towards a nearby pyramid.

“Roxy, please proceed with caution.” You warn, following her closely.

The sand if very fine, with round and soft grains that easily give way under your slippers, and the air does seem to have a sort of electric buzz about it, although you feel no _‘magnetic tug’_. The pyramid that you’re approaching is a similar sun-kissed orange color to the sand and taller than most other constructs you seen in the medium, including Jack Noir’s devilish castles.

  _Jack Noir_.

There isn’t a lot that you wouldn’t give to see that monster again, to put an end to his miserable life once and for all. That imp back in LOWAS had to have been lying. With the ring and one of his arms missing, Jack Noir is most certainly only a shell of his former self. He is not a threat.

You refuse to belive that.

Besides, you have bigger bads to worry about, including but not limited to: Caliborn, who remains unaccounted for.

Roxy leads your group right up to the base of the pyramid.

“Damn, this thing is big.” She lets out a low whistle. “What do you think is inside of it?”

“Probably a hundred undead mummified corpses just waiting for some unsuspecting teenage to wander into their midst.”

Jade shivers by your side.

“Not funny, Rose.” She growls, then changes the subject: “You know, we’d probably get a really good vantage point from the top of this thing.”

“Do you think you can teleport us up?”

“Does bad light end up in a prism?”

Everyone looks at Jade with confusion.

“That’s a little physics humor.” She waves her hand noncommittally. “Prism sounds like prison. _Bad_ light goes to prism. You know what? Just forget it. Come here.”

You all link arms again and in a flash of green, teleport to the top of the pyramid. Instead of the pyramid tapering off at the top to a small point, there is a flat area about ten feet square. The air is even more electrified at this height, warmer too, as you are closer you are to the swirling colors above. Scattered across the desert landscape, you can see pyramids of all shapes, sizes, and colors, but other than that nothing really all that worth noting.

“Take a gander at this.” Jake draws your attention towards a hole in the top of the pyramid with a staircase leading downwards into darkness.

“Let’s check it out!” Roxy cheers, drawing her rifle.

“Let’s not.”

“Aw. Come on, Rose. I thought the whole reason you came with us was because you wanted to have a little adventure.”

“ _This_ is the adventure and I came because I told John I would look out for all of you.” You peer into the dark interior of the pyramid. “And that does not entail descending into the murky depths of some ancient burial chamber. I think our time would be better spent using our vantage point to map out this land.”

“LOPAN.” Jade says suddenly.

“What?”

“LOPAN: the Land of Pyramids and Neon.”

“That sounds really dumb.”

“Too late. It’s stuck.” Jade joins Jake and Roxy by the mysterious staircase. “I think the whole purpose of a scouting party is to actually scout some stuff. Let’s just check out this pyramid for a bit. I can always teleport us out if we get into a tight spot.”

“Jade…” You begin.

But her and Jake have already descended the staircase and disappeared into the darkness below. Roxy looks at you and shoots a quick wink.

“If you wanna look out for us, then you better keep up.” She smirks and then disappears as well.

Cursing silently under your breath, you draw your wands and follow.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re halfway in LOWAS and also halfway on LOPAN.

LOPAN: the Land of Pyramids and Neon.

You just thought of that not thirty seconds ago. It sounds a little silly, in all honesty, but it’s too late. It’s stuck.

Dave sits by your side, anxiously counting under his breath again while he stares out across the desert to where Jade and the rest have disappeared. Terezi sits on your other side, laughing quietly to herself whilst she spins her cane between her nimble fingers.

Dirk and Jane are talking somewhere behind you. He mutters something quietly and she stifles a laugh. Whatever they’re talking about doesn’t really matter where you’re concerned. You’re just happy to leave them some time to bond without having to set up some kind of silly ice-breaker thing. You know, like you sometimes have to do on the first day of school. God that shit was so stupid.

Anyways, you’ve got other leadery stuff to attend to.

**JOHN: ASK.**

“So, uh- Terezi. How are you holding up?”

Terezi shrugs and draws a neat circle in the sand with the end of her cane.

“I’m fine. A little hungry, maybe a little peeved that we’re sitting on our asses and doing nothing, but other than that, consider me at a hundred percent capacity.”

“Are you still drunk?”

“… Yes.”

“Oh.” You rub the back of your neck. You’re going through with this anyways. “Look, I know that Karkat was your Matesprit…”

“He still is my Matesprit, Egderp.”

“Well, yeah. What I’m trying to say is… Karkat is my friend too and- I guess I just wanna make sure that you’re ‘okay’.”

Terezi turns her head to face you, setting her red-shaded gaze upon yours. You could never really tell if Terezi was one second away from hugging you or cackling in your face, and right now is no exception. She appears to examine you for a moment and you wait patiently, a little uncomfortable under her scrutiny on account of her tongue flickering in and out of her mouth like that of a snake’s.

“My relationship with Karkat has always been a back and forth game.” She eventually says. “Am I sad that he was taken? Yes. Am I doubtful that we’ll be able to defeat Caliborn and rescue Karkat and Kanaya? Hell fucking yes. Am I almost certain that most of us will die? You bet your windy ass _yes_.” She pauses for a moment. “But… I trust you, John. Even though I don’t show it most of the time, I think you’ve got what it takes to not be a completely spineless waste of space.”

“Wow.” Are you blushing? “Thanks, Terezi.”

“That wasn’t a compliment, shithead.” She jabs you painfully in the ribs with her cane. “There’s a really good chance that you’re going to screw everything up again.” She leans in close, _very_ close. “And I just want you to know: if you get Karkat killed, there _will_ be hell to pay.”

“Message received.”

“Good.” She retreats back to a respectable distance. “Now why the fuck does everything smell like limes?”

“Limes?” You ask, a split-second before something collides with the back of your head _hard_.

You tip over into the sand, crying out in pain and reaching back to cradle your injured cranium. Your fingers encounter something warm, wet, and sticky amongst your hair and you curse silently when you realize that it’s blood.

Rose _literally_ just fixed your god tier duds and you do _not_ want to get blood all over them again.

The _something_ returns and cracks against your shoulder, accompanied by an explosion of white hot pain. Blindly, you swirl the breeze around yourself and pick yourself up off the dirt. You fly a few feet to the left, hopefully out of harm’s way, before crashing to the ground again and skidding across the sand.

Blinking water from your eyes, you roll and look up to see that your party has suddenly and violently been jumped by a group of green-skinned men. There must be about twelve, each wearing green suits and different colored hats. One in particular, wearing a red cap and wielding a crowbar, approaches you with his weapon raised.

“Easy there, kiddo.” He takes a swipe at you but you dodge out of the way. “Don’t go nowhere, now.”

You draw your hammer and block his next attack with a harsh, metallic _clang_.

“Who the hell are you?” You demand, swinging your hammer at his head.

Your attacker ducks and jabs you repeatedly in your exposed gut with his very pain-inducing crowbar.

“Name’s Crowbar, kiddo.” He brings his crowbar up and knocks you in the chin sending you reeling back to the ground. “And there’s been a bounty placed on your head. Cans!”

Cans?

A very large fellow, who you guess is named fucking _‘Cans’_ , lumbers out of nowhere and sizes you around the neck, hefting you up and onto his broad back. You groan in pain as his shoulder digs into your bruised belly and as someone’s bony elbows knock against your side. You are not the only one currently being treated like a sack of flour.

“Hey, John.” Sighs Jane by your side.

“Hey, Jane.”

These guys, green-skinned and suited, wearing billiard ball hats, must by the ominous ‘Felt’ that you’ve heard so much about from the Midnight Crew. Already, these exile gangsters seem to be a lot more deadly than Spades Slick and his gang.

From your vantage point, on Cans’s shoulder next to Jane, you watch an intense duel wage between your remaining friends. Dave is fighting off two of the Felt members at once, whilst Dirk and Terezi team up and attempt to wrestle a dangerous-looking machine gun away from an even more dangerous-looking gangster.

You watch as Crowbar approaches Dave from behind with his weapon raised. However, before you can call and warn your friend, everything turns to black. You barely register a flash of brown before you and Jane are roughly stuffed into very large and uncomfortable burlap sack. Your grandaughter/grandmother’s weight comes down on your back, smushing you down to the bottom.

A ruckus is most definitely taking place outside of your fabric prison. Voices are yelling, guns are being discharged with reckless abandon, and you’re pretty sure that Terezi yells something along the lines of: “Rough Riders, ride or die!!!!” before she goes silent.

“Come on, boys!” Yells a voice you recognize as Crowbar’s. “We got the kid with the glasses, let’s scram!”

The mouth of the sack opens, giving way to light. You shove Jane out of the way and surge upwards. You’ll apologize to her later, after you’ve insured your escape of course. But before you can successfully fight your way to freedom, a familiar set of horns and grinning face falls on top of your head. Terezi’s weight pushes you down once more, sandwiching you between her and Jane.

“Hey, Terezi.”

“Hey, John. Hey, Jane.”

“Hey.”

The large, burlap sack shifts as you and your friends are easily lifted and slung about. Jane hisses in discomfort as you and her collide messily once more. You can hear Dave yelling:

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?! Get back here, you green-assed smurfs! We ain’t done yet!”

His voice fades away into nothing, leaving Terezi’s quiet giggles and Jane’s heavy breathing as the only sounds you can hear. There isn’t the _hum_ of an engine or the _whoosh_ of wind, so you don’t really know how you’re traveling other than simply walking. If that were the case, then surely Dave would have given chase.

Right?

“What did I tell you, Egbert?” Terezi growls in your ear. “I _told_ you that splitting up was a bad idea.”

“What? You didn’t say anything like that at all!”

“I did too!” Her bony elbow finds your chest and begins pounding against your tender rib cage. “This is all your fault! I told you!”

“Stop! Stop it!” Jane cries. It almost sounds like she’s close to tears. “Just stop fighting! You aren’t helping anyone!”

“This makes me feel better!” Terezi tries to hit you again, but you seize her by the wrists.

“Cut it out. Jane is right.” Whoever is carrying you, awkwardly bumps your group against a hard surface, probably a wall. “We need to get out of here. Terezi, use your horns to cut through the sack.”

“Are you an idiot?  There’s no way that’s going to work.”

“Just try it.” You plead.

There’s a few awkward seconds of fumbling as she clambers over you to rub the top of her head against the inside of your prison. You pray to whatever god exists that this works. It’s starting to get very warm in here.

Thinking back, you suppose that this whole situation does affirm the law that splitting up your group _never_ works out for the best. Although, if Rose and the rest were with you, then maybe they would have just been kidnapped too, or worse.

You wait with bated breath as Terezi works. Outside, you can now hear footsteps on a stone floor, followed the opening and closing of a heavy door.

“You know what? I think I almost got it.”

No sooner are the words out of her mouth then you and your fellow prisoners are thrown unceremoniously to the ground. Jane groans again and you stifle a gasp as well. Terezi has just poked you in the eye with her finger. Whether intentional or not, you’re still a little pissed at her.

A door closes.

“Get off me, please.” You say, a little forcefully.

Terezi rolls off of you, with a little help, and fumbles for the opening in the sack. After a moment, light once again causes you to squint with it’s sudden appearance. It appears as if you’ve been left to your own devices for the time being.

Following Terezi out of the sack, you help Jane to her feet and examine your new surroundings. You’re in a green room, not unlike the same color Doc Scratch’s mansion was painted back on that meteor. Other than a large pane of transparent glass set into the wall, the door which you most likely entered, and a singular chair, the room is entirely bare. It sort of reminds you of an interrogation chamber where a detective could question a potential criminal.

Jane slouches into the chair and rubs at her swollen ankle.

“Please find us a way out of here.” She says with a wince. “I don’t think I can take another ride in the party bag. Ugh. Who are these guys anyways?”

“Gangsters.” You explain, as you examine the locked door. “They’re like… bad guys created by the game to stop us or something.  I don’t really understand it. The gangsters we fought before were exiles from the troll’s game session.”

“You fought gangsters before?”

“It’s a long story.”

“It doesn’t matter!” Terezi stomps her foot in frustration. “John, use the windy thing to blow this door down and let’s get the hell out of here. We don’t have time to waste on low-quality shit like this.”

“Alright. Alright.” You move to the opposite side other room and face the door. All it will take is probably one quick burst of wind to blast this thing off it’s hinges. Then you can get back to your friends and get on with your quest. You just hope that there aren’t a dozen Felt members waiting on the other side to blow a hundred holes in you.

You reel back and prepare to blow this joint….

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Says a cool voice. “There’s, like, a dozen Felt members out in the hallway, waiting to blow a hundred holes in you.”

You look towards the large window set into the wall. A man stands on the other side, with his arms folded over his chest and a cool pair of pointed shades resting on his nose.

“Dirk?” You question, suddenly very confused.

“Eh.” The man leans forward, nose almost touching the glass. “I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me that. Egbert.

It clicks suddenly, like the flicking of a light switch and the illumination of the light bulb. You gape at Dave’s brother, caught somewhere between happiness and horror.

“B-Bro?”

“The one and only.” Bro smirks and leans closer to the glass still, trying to peer into the corners of the room typically out of view to someone from his vantage point. “Where’s Dave? He isn’t crying in the corner, is he?”

You remember now. The computer in the basement of Doc Scratch’s mansion had listed Bro as being in the company of the Felt, as well as on LOWAS. He’s alive and better yet, appears to be in full control of his murderous urges.

“Yo, Egbert.” Bro taps on the glass. “Tell Dave to get his ass up and say ‘hi’ to his long lost bro.”

“Dave isn’t here.” You say, gesturing around the room. “It’s just us.”

Bro frowns and examines the confused Terezi and the even more confused Jane. He eventually sighs and rubs at his eyes under his shades.

“Crowbar!” He calls.

From beyond your vision, approaches the gangster. Crowbar smiles at you through the glass and taps his crowbar against his collarbone. He cradles it much like a normal person would carry an umbrella.

“Crowbar, where’s the kid I asked you got get?” Asks Bro.

“I got em.” Crowbar nods towards you. “I got the kid with the glasses right here. Now, it’s your turn to hold up your end of the bargain.”

“Not glasses, dammit. _Sun_ glasses. Fucking shit. I swear to god, sometimes you guys are so hard to put up with.” Bro shakes his head and shoos Crowbar away with his fingers. “I’m not doing anything for you, yet. Get out of here.”

The gangster snarls and for a second, you think he might attack Bro, but then he slowly retreats from view and disappears. Not before looking at you and making a throat slitting motion with his thumb across his neck though.

“How did you end up with these guys?” You ask quickly, once Crowbar is gone. “How did you get here? Why did you have us kidnapped?”

“Slow down, Egbert. You’re going to answer some of my questions first.” Bro folds his arms once more. “Where’s Dave?”

You’re halfway through telling him, until you catch yourself. Clenching your fists at your side, you respond:

“I’m not telling you that until I know that I can trust you.”

Bro smirks, but it’s a smirk unlike Dave’s or even Dirk’s. You aren’t used to the unmitigated badassness that is Bro Strider and it actually weakens your resolve slightly.

“John.” Bro begins. “You aren’t really in a position to spin stuff like that. It was a mistake that you were taken and I’ll own up to that.” He leans closer to the glass once more. “But this is my brother and you’re going to tell me where he is.”

You look to Terezi, but she’s unhelpfully staring three free to the left of where Bro is standing. Jane is equally unhelpful in this situation, only looking at you with wide eyes and shaking her head slightly as if to say: _‘Don’t look at me, man!’_

You turn back to Bro and swallow hard. You suppose that if anyone has the right to know about Dave, it’s probably his brother.

“Last time I saw Dave was right before we were kidnapped. If you _really_ wanna know, then he’s probably on his way here right now.”

“The Felt didn’t hurt him, did they?”

“I… couldn’t tell.” You watch Bro’s face fall. “Listen, if you wanted to make sure you captured Dave unharmed, then you should have gone and found him yourself.”

“I can’t.” Bro shakes his head again. “I can’t… trust myself. I could hurt him again. I could hurt _you_ again. That’s why this,” He taps a knuckle against the glass. “Is here. If I so much as catch a whiff of your scent, I might go full blown rager on your ass.”

“I thought you fought off Jack Noir’s control.”

“It’s not as easy as you think, Egbert. I can’t just bop myself on the head, or fight it off mentally. This shit is real potent. I’m talking a gazillion proof alcohol. It’s like G.D. Forever and Everclear up in this bitch.”

“Uh….”

“Jack Noir’s still knocking around in here.” Bro taps the side of his head. “It’s best that we keep our distance.”

“Alright, well. Listen,” You step forward. “I promise you a hundred percent that Dave is happy, healthy, and just as cool as ever. If you let us go, then I promise that I’ll take care of him for you. We’re on a quest to beat the game, you see. So it’s kind of important that you let us out of here.”

“Sorry, little man, no can do.” Bro turns to leave. “I gotta see Dave though my own shades and if you say that he’s on his way here, then all we gotta do is wait. You’ll be back on your quest soon enough, John. Don’t worry.”

And before you can respond, Bro disappears from view, leaving you and your friends alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last time we saw Bro was the end of Act Two, which I think is like chapter 15 or something like that. 
> 
> It is now chapter 63 :/
> 
> These chapters are about twice as long as my usual crap, simply because I have a whole fucking lot of ground to cover before I can finally put this story to rest. Hopefully that's okay with yall.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	64. ACT 7 - PART 3

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. This pyramid is probably the coolest/spookiest place you’ve ever been!

The staircase leads down to a small, circular room with doors all around leading off into the dark and quite possibly maze-like interior of the pyramid. Jake and Jade seem to be vibrating with the excitement at the prospect of adventuring into this strange tomb.

You’re pretty excited too, although you try to play it cool:

What’s this? A sweet pyramid most likely full of monsters and sweet dungeon loot? Pshhhh. That’s cool, I _guueess_. You see shit like this all the time in the life of G.D. Roxanne Lalonde.

“Which way should we go?” Asks Jake, looking around at the various, diverging passageways.

The buzz that you feel in your gut urges you to travel deeper, but it’s not very specific in it’s directions. You spin in a slow circle, hoping that your new inner compass might point in the right direction, but in the end all you accomplish is looking silly and getting a little dizzy.

“Let’s go this way!” Jade starts towards a tunnel, but Rose seizes her by the hood and holds her back.

“If we’re going to recklessly investigate a mysterious pyramid, then we’re going to do it _my_ way.” Chides your daughtermom. “If you can staunch your adventurer’s spirit for a moment, then I might be able to use my hero of light abilities to point us in the right direction.”

“Are you, like, going to light the way or something?” You ask.

“Something like that.” Rose presses a couple of fingers to temple and closes her eyes in apparent focus. “I have little practice with my abilities, but I think… I should be able to predict the most fortuitous route for us to take.”

“Hmmm.” Jake hums with interest. “That’s certainly a handy skill!”

“Once you guys get to god-tier, you’ll have cool powers too!” Sings Jade happily.

“What kind of powers? Do you have any thoughts about what kind of heroes we could be?”

“I dunno.” Jade shrugs. “The whole power distribution process seems a little random to me honestly. If I had to make a guess though, it probably has something to do with your natural strengths.”

“So do you feel naturally _spacey_?” You ask, gesturing in the general direction of the heavens above.

“Not really. Like I said, that’s just a theory. Look at Rose, for example.” Jade slings her arm around her friend’s shoulder, despite the fact that Rose was apparently deep in concentration. “She’s the gloomiest girl you ever did see and look at her now! She’s wearing bright orange and blazing a hopeful path ahead for us.”

“So… do you think our aspects could be the opposite of us too?”

“I really have no idea. Sorry.” Jade frowns. “But don’t worry! I’m sure whatever powers you get will be really awesome and helpful!”

You certainly hope so. If there’s one thing you hate other than being painfully sober, it’s the possibility that you might just turn out to be literally _useless_. You’ve spent a good majority of your life sitting on the sidelines, watching other people fight to the death in revolutions or throw themselves in front of double-sided tridents meant for you.

You thirst for the chance to prove yourself and kick some _real_ ass along with the rest of these super-powered dudes and gals.

“I believe that…. This way,” Rose opens her eyes and points to one passageway in particular. “Will lead us towards our goal.”

“Which is what, exactly?” Asks Jake.

“We’ll find out when we get there!” You cheer, confidently leading the way into the darkness of the pyramid.

Rose casts a spell that causes light to emanate from the tip of her wands, illuminating the way and insuring that you don’t accidentally fall into a pit of spikes or something equally stupid. One the walls of the narrow passageway are scrawled numerous garbled sentences and pictograms.

“Consorts.” Explains Rose, tracing one picture of a salamander with her finger. “From LOWAS no doubt. They were probably the first to explore the new lands.”

“The salamanders drew all this?” Jade is nervously eyeing a messy scrawl that reads: ‘ _Freddie Kruger is here’._

“Most likely.” Rose raises her wand to light up the way ahead. “Come on. Let’s keep moving.”

You and your group of interlopers continue to explorer deeper and deeper into the tomb. The graffiti continues with more and more frequency the further you travel. One picture in particular, a spiral symbol similar to the one on Jade’s god tier outfit, is featured prominently. Rose pauses to examine one for a moment, before humming with interest and continuing forward.

Walking down another stone staircase, around numerous corners, and finally through a large archway finds you in a large cavernous space, which cannot be anything else but the heart of the pyramid itself. There, in the center of the large room, is a raised pedestal comprised of dark blue stone.

It’s either a demonic ritual chamber or the shittiest bedroom that you’ve ever seen. You’re leaning towards the latter, especially when Jade steps up to the pedestal and gasps:

“It’s a quest bed!”

“Indeed.” Agrees Rose, joining her friend’s side. “But who’s?”

“Mine of course.” You feel the buzz in your gut, now a tangible force, urging you towards the strange, flat stone. “This is good right? I mean, we were supposed to find this.”

“We were.” Rose rubs her chin. “But you’ve only just entered the game very recently. Are you ready for this?”

“Well…” You swallow hard. “I- uh, gotta die right?”

Before Rose can answer, a soft _scuttling_ noise echoes quietly across the cavern. Jade lets out a terrified squeal and leaps behind Jake, using him as a human shield.

“Shit!” She shrieks. “That fucking sounds like Freddie.”

From the shadowy corners, just out of reach from Rose’s wand light, lurch dozens upon dozens of mummified skeletons. They aren’t human corpses, you can tell that much from their large, bony snouts and swishing tails. However, they’re still creepy as all fuck and you seriously doubt that they’re here to offer you free slices of delicious cake.

“Stay back!” Rose commands, pointing her wands towards the nearest skeleton. It ignores her and continues to waddle forward. “I said, stay back!”

“I don’t think they speak English, babe.” You shoulder your rifle. “Can we shoot these guys?”

Rose seems to hesitate, possibly reluctant to start wasting consorts willy nilly. However, the decision is made for her when Jade opens fire. Skeletons begin exploding all around as the space witch slaughters them with brutal efficiency.

You take aim and fire as well, blasting a couple away with one bullet from your long, powerful rifle. Rose and Jake join the fray, and together you manage to disable a lot of the creepy, bony fucks. After a while though, it becomes apparent that this violent course of action is only a short-term solution.

As you pause to reload, you notice that new skeletons are crawling from holes in the wall, and piecing their fallen comrades back together so that they can rejoin the fight. Others pull legs and arms from the double corpses and use them as spears. It’s some twisted version of deadly tinker toys that causes shivers to run up your spine.

With the skeleton waves apparently having no end, it seems as if being overwhelmed is becoming a serious possibility.

“Roxy!” Jake calls, whilst he sprays a mess of bullets from his pistols into the murderous crowd. “Now might not be a sour time to use that nifty quest bed of yours!”

The quest bed.

You turn and look at the blue slab of stone. Would killing yourself grant you some majestic powers that can turn the tide of this fight? Maybe. Will killing yourself greater insure your long term victory? Definitely.

“Wait!” Rose casts a lightning spell that turns several skeletons to ash. “Let us think this through. We aren’t desperate yet.”

“I could still teleport us out!” Offers Jade.

“Just hold on. No one do anything rash just yet…”

Rose’s words are drowned out with Jake’s sudden shout:

“Eyes up, Roxy!”

You turn just in time to see a skeleton hurl one of his friend’s arms in your direction like a bone-javelin. Twisting, you try to dodge to projectile, but feel an explosion of pain ripple through your side as the projectile pierces you.

“Shit on my dick!” You swear horribly, falling to your knees and dropping your rifle.

“Mom!”

“I’ve got you, mate!” A calloused hand grips your upper arm tightly, most likely Jake, and begins to pull you forward.

“Wait! Hold up!” You scream, trying to prevent yourself from being dragged across the ground. Seizing the piece of bone wedged in your side, you grit your teeth and tug it free. Blood leaks out, although you can tell the wound, although ugly, is not necessarily fatal. Regardless, if you were looking for some kind of sign to use your quest bed, this is probably it. “Jake… get me to the bed.”

Bullets are still flying and another bone-javelin flies over your head to crack against the pedestal in front of you. With Jake’s help you flop onto the flat rock, smearing red across the dark blue stone.

“On your left!”

Jake turns at Rose’s shout and fires at something you can’t see. Your vision has now narrowed quite a bit, to the point where it almost feels like you’re looking upwards from the depths of a dark well. Jake is standing above you once more, his pistol raised and pointed directly at your face.

“Jake.” You gasp, clutching at your wounded side. “Come on.”

His hand, which is usually so steady whilst gripping his pistol, begins to shake. He can’t do it. Jade appears from the edges of your vision and bodily shoves him out of the way.

“See you soon, sister.” A small smile adorns her lips, although her dog ears are drooped.

She raises her rifle and you see no more.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

Well, not really.

Suddenly, as if a switch has been flicked, you find yourself standing up on the surface of LOPAN. The desert stretches away from you towards the horizon, devoid of sweet pyramids, but abruptly resplendent with really awesome castles.

Seriously, there’s now a very large, and fancy-looking castle in the distance. Up above, the sky is pitch-black without any stars and the border of LOWAS, which was previously close by, is nowhere to be seen.

“Uh, hello?”

Your voice rings out across the emptiness until it disappears, along with the thought that you’re anywhere near LOPAN. Without much of a goal in mind, you begin to jog towards the castle. The wound in your side, caused by those damn skeletons, is gone now, although both your sweater and skirt is stained with blood, discrediting the idea that everything until now was some kind of stress-induced fever dream.

The large, wooden castle doors are unlocked, so you enter and find yourself in a large hall. The remnants of a pretty bumping party lay strewn across the floor and on a few scattered tables. There, in the center of the hall, is a truly bizarre sight:

Three guys who bear an uncanny resemblance to Dave Strider are taking turns punching an unfamiliar troll with two peg legs repeatedly in the gut.

“Take this, you leg-less sonovabitch.” Says one Dave as he punches him again.

“Hey!” You rush forward. “What the hell are you doing?”

All the Dave’s and the battered troll look up as you speak. Shock at your sudden appearance gives way to confusion as everyone gazes at you like you’re some kind of freaky tentacle monster or something.

“Uh, you guys are seeing this too, right?” One of the Dave’s backs away. “Get back, hot lady mirage. We don’t want any trouble.”

“Well, then leave this poor guy alone!” You shoo away the Dave’s with your fingers. “Go on. Scat. Scat!”

The Dave’s all back off, turning tail and running from the hall, leaving you alone with this freaky-looking troll. He just lays there on the ground for a moment, looking pitiful and beaten and actually a little funny. His horns are ridiculously long and did you mention the double peg legs yet?

Yeah, this guy has two motherfucking peg legs.

“Leave me alone.” Grumbles the troll, trying to get to his feet.

“Pssh.” You snort. “That’s no way to treat your savior.”

“Savior? As if! I had those assholes on the ropes.”

“Who were those guys anyways? They look a whole lot like my pal Dave, although they can’t be…”

“They are.” The troll tries to sit up once more, but flops back to the ground. He sighs and gives up. “Look, whoever you are, I don’t need help. So just go away.”

“Not until you tell me where I am, who you are, and just what the hell is going on.” You gesture around the room.

“You wanna know where you are?!” The troll’s nostrils flare. “You’re dead, human. Welcome to hell. My name is Tavros and this,” He points all around. “Is all that’s fucking left. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to mope in peace.”

“So this is what it’s like to die, huh? Wow.” You let out a low whistle and examine your surroundings with a new-found interest. “I’m not really dead. At least, I don’t think I am. You see, I died on my quest bed.”

“Well then you should come back to life any minute now. Congratu-fucking-lations.” Tavros tries to get up again, but fails once more. “Dammit!”

“Here, let me…”

“Don’t touch me!” He slaps at you until you retreat. “Ugh… I should have gone with them. I should have fucking gone…”

“Gone where?” You ask. “What are you talking about now?”

“They all left!” He shouts suddenly. “Everyone who was here, who was dead, fucking closed shop and left. It’s just me now and a handful of vengeful Dave’s. I might as well be double dead right now!”

You understand nothing.

“Listen, man. I think you need to swallow a few chill pills and try that again. I’m really, _really_ friggin confused by…” You feel a sudden lightness tingle all over your body. “Oh shit. What’s happening?”

“You’re probably coming back to life.” Tavros mutters scornfully. “Do me a favor. If you see Vriska. Tell her that she can suck my fat bul-“

You wake up.

* * *

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are now Jane Crocker. Prison blues can’t get you down!

In fact, you aren’t really sure if the word _‘prison’_ even accurately describes your situation at all. You spend about an hour or so playing rock paper scissors with Terezi, while John conversers politely with future Dirk through the glass.

That’s right _‘future Dirk’_ , because that’s who he is. At least, that’s how they try to explain it to you. This whole alternate dimension bullshit really gets on your nerves. Like that’s Dirk from the future, except not really because _your_ Dirk is different than _their_ Dirk in the sense that his brother is really his dad, except Dave isn’t Dirk’s dad, he’s his brother.

You know what, just forget it. Getting all this shit straight in your head isn’t really much of a priority at the moment.

“Yo. What happened to her leg?” Bro asks.

You look away from your game with Terezi to see that Bro is nodding towards you.

“It’s a long story. Basically, she got stabbed.” Explains John. “We’ve given her some troll medicine, but I dunno if it’s really working all that well. You wouldn’t happen to have any better medicine here, would you?”

“I’ll see what we’ve got and send someone in.” Bro says. “Do yall need anything else?”

“Ummm. Some food would be nice. Also, it would be pretty cool if you let us go.”

“Sorry, Egbert.” Bro shakes his head. “Can’t abscond, man. I’ve told you that.” He turns and quietly speaks to someone out of your field of view, before turning back to John. “I’ll be back.”

As Bro turns away from the glass and walks away, John lets out a small _‘psh’_ and plops down onto the ground by Terezi’s side. You awkwardly slide your chair closer over to him.

“So what’s the plan?” You ask in a hushed voice, just in case you’re being monitored.

John doesn’t respond immediately, but thinks for a moment, scratching at his chin where the beginning of annoying stubble is starting to form.

“I _could_ break down the door probably.” He admits. “But the problem with that is that there probably _are_ lots of gangsters out there waiting for us.”

“Bro too.” Adds Terezi. “Trust me on this, Jane. You do _not_ wanna go toe to toe with that douche-silo.”

“So what? We just wait around here for our friends to show up?” You throw your hands in the air. “John, what if Bro hurts our friends? What if he has something _horrible_ planned for Dave?”

“I don’t think Bro would hurt Dave.” John is still pensive. “A long time ago, and I mean like a _really_ fucking long time ago, Bro had us all in his murderous sights. He could have killed Dave, but didn’t harm a single hair on his cool head. I think that if Bro tried hard enough, he could probably break out of Jack Noir’s control.”

“It really sounds like he’s made some progress, at least.” Says Terezi. “Before, Bro was liable to burst through the gog-dammed ceiling to get at ya. Hehe.”

At that moment, the door to your little prison opens and in steps a little guy with a purple bowler’s cap sitting on his little, green head.

“Eh.” He says, dropping a paper bag on the floor and kicking it over to John.

Just as quickly as he arrived, the little guy turns and leaves, shutting the door behind him with a loud and absolute _click_ that gives you the impression that you’ve just been locked inside once more. John moves to investigate your paper bagged gift.

“Apple juice and burritos. I should have fucking known.” He chuckles and passes you a bottle of golden liquid. “Also look at this.”

He pulls out a nasty-looking syringe next. It’s filled with an ugly green liquid and has a needle about as long as your damn forearm. It might as well be a prop from some twisted, David Cronenberg, body-horror film starring Jeff Goldbloom. You have no desire to be turned into a disgusting fly-person.

“Uh, there’s no way in hell that you’re sticking _that_ in me.” You warn.

“Haha! That’s what _she_ or _he_ said!” Terezi cackles.

“It’s completely harmless. In fact, you may even say it’s the opposite of harmless: really fucking good for you.” Bro’s sudden appearance back at the window causes everyone in the room to jump. How did he get there so fast? You were literally just looking there a second ago.

“What does it do?” John asks, examining the syringe.

“It fixes you up real good, heals all injuries: broken bones, open wounds, even that scratchy feeling you get in your throat sometimes after you wake up. The Felt used it on me when they found me, half-dead, lying in the dirt, ready to fall on my own sword. We don’t have a lot left and I’m pulling some major strings to get that into your needy hands, so I’d use it if I were you. I’m the Arpeggio to your wounded Pinocchio. It is me.”

“I don’t know.” You eye John and the syringe wearily. “I’m not a hundred percent sure we can trust you, Bro.”

“Look,” Bro rests his forearm against the glass. “If I wanted yall dead, you know I could do it as easy as snapping my fingers.” You watch in horror as he lifts his gloved hand, poised to do just that. “But I obviously don’t want to do that. Take the shot or not. Doesn’t matter to me either way.”

You and John exchange a look.

What really do you have to lose? His eyes say.

How about my entire fucking _life_? You respond equally silently.

With a sigh, John gets up and walks over to you, holding the shot delicately in his hand.

“Do you want me to do it?” He asks.

“Wh-Where does it go?” You turn back to Bro.

“I’d stick it in the thigh above the wound, if I were you.” He advises coolly.

Taking a deep breath, John presses the tip of the needle against your leg.

“Whoa! What the fuck, man.” You push him away. “You’re just gonna stick me with it? Through my pants?! Give me a second here.”

“You’re not going to take your pants off, are you?” John asks. “It will be a tiny hole. No one will even notice.”

“My dad bought me these pants for my birthday last year! You’re not sticking them with some alien needle.”

“Well then pop them off, sister.” Terezi jumps up and snatches the syringe out of John’s hand. “I can do it while the boys look away.”

“Fuck that! You’re blind! You could miss and hit me in the eye or something!”

“I know the difference between your leg and your fucking face, dumbass. I’m not _that_ blind.” She fumbles towards you, grabs John by the neck instead, and tries to insert the needle into his leg. “Hold still, Jane.”

“Terezi, no! It’s me! It’s me!” John cries, trying to escape.

“Holy shit. Are you guys always this incompetent?” Bro somehow manages to keep his voice level, whilst inserting the correct amount of disbelief and exasperation. “Just stick yourself, Jane. It really isn’t that hard.”

John wrestles the syringe away from Terezi and hand it to you instead.

“A-Alright. Everyone turn around though, okay? Even you, Terezi.” They all do as you say, even Terezi, albeit with a heavy sigh. You unzip your trousers and slide them down far enough to expose your upper thigh. Taking a deep breath, you position the needle above your quivering leg, close your eyes, and stick it in. “OH GOD! I FEEL- I FEEL… pretty good actually. Wow!”

Your leg immediately stops throbbing and that sore throat that you woke up with disappears as well. You shimmy back into your pants, tossing the empty syringe to the ground.

“Alright, you guys can look again.”

“Do you really feel better?” Asks John nervously. You bet that if anything happened to you, he’d probably feel really guilty.

“Yeah. I do actually!” You rise out of the chair, delicately testing if your wounded leg can support your weight. “Thanks, Bro.”

“No problem.” Bro folds his arms. “Although I should probably tell you that side effects include: vomiting, nausea, crippling self-doubt, buttitis, and instant death after hours of intense suffering.”

“What?!?!”

“I’m just joshin you.” Bro smirks. “Only one of those is an _actual_ side effect. I’ll let you figure it out which it is.”

“Bro!”

“Take it easy. Shit. Yall need to lighten up.” Bro shakes his head. “John, is there anything else you need?”

“Yeah, actually there is.” John puts a hand on your shoulder and gently leads you back to your chair. You sit down, a little off-put by all of Bro’s joshin. John continues: “What happened to you? I mean, after what happened in LOHAC with the Scratch.”

Bro’s smirk disappears, replaced with a grim scowl.

“I ran.” He answers simply. “I could see what was happening. I could see what I was doing, but I couldn’t fight it though, not until Dave was…” He shakes his head again. “I saw him die and I guess that gave me the push I needed. I ran away. Every step was a battle. Jack Noir called for me at that fight in LOLAR, but I resisted. I wandered the lands, looking for death, almost found it too.”

“But then the Felt found you?”

“Yeah. They saved me and in return I struck a deal with them.”

“What kind of deal?”

“If they helped me find Dave, then I’d join their club.” His pointed shades flash. “The Felt owe allegiance to a celestial being known simply as _Lord English_.”

“Never heard of him.”

“Really? He’s kind of a big deal.”

“I mean, I know a _Jake_ English, but he doesn’t call himself a lord.” John scratches his chin again. “Do you know anyone named Caliborn?”

“No.”

“Oh. Well, he’s sort of our big bad at the moment. He kidnapped our friends and kicked the shit out of us.”

“Sounds like a shitty hand to be dealt. I’d happily help you track him down, but I sort of agreed that I’d work with the Felt.” Bro shrugs. “I’m sure you guys can manage this Caliborn guy though, as long as you work together.”

“Maybe.” John scuffs his shoe against the ground. “So what are you going to do with Dave when he gets here?”

“He’s my brother, what do you expect-“ A loud _boom_ cuts him off. Bro’s head snaps to his left, where he stares at something you cannot see. In a flash, he draws his sword. “I’ll be back. Don’t go nowhere, Egbert.”

“Wait! Bro?” John calls after him, but it’s too late.

Bro is already gone.

Sighing, you lean back in your chair, enjoying the pain-free feelings currently flowing through your body.

“That Bro is a real piece of work, huh?” You say.

John slumps to the floor again by your side.

“Yeah. He is.” John buries his head in his knees. “I just hope he doesn’t hurt anyone.”

* * *

=> Be Jake English.

You are now Jake English. This of course means that a hundred thousand skeletal corpses are preparing to eat your brains like a spring pudding!

That won’t happen, of course. Not if good ol’ pride and prejudice have anything to say about it!

Pride and prejudice are your pistols. You just named them right now.

Rose Lalonde, the stellar lass with the magical spells is doing a real number on these skeletal bastards. That’s right, she knows magic. You’re talking about real magic, not that fake ‘ _snap on a lighter and pretend that it’s magic’_ magic, but real, honest to Mary magic.

Watching her weave her sorcery is what can only be described as a _frightening_ experience. The small sample of combat prowess that you witnessed back on the meteor during the battle with Jack Noir was nothing compared to this.

“Hold you positions!” She commands, pirouetting around another bone-ish projectile. “We have to give Roxy time.”

“For what?!” You unload the last of your magazine into an approaching skeleton, blowing his old bones to powdery bits. “What is she going to do?”

Rose fires a blast of purple magic that strikes a group of skeletons. The resulting shockwave decimates all within the splash zone and serves as a rather spectacular fireworks display. She turns to you next, her face firm.

“It doesn’t matter. We cannot leave until she has been revived.”

“Maybe she’ll come back with some really sweet powers!” Jade says hopefully, as she fires into the deceased crowd with pinpoint accuracy. “That’d be something.”

You reload your pistols quickly, ducking behind Roxy’s quest bed for a small period of cover. Looking at Roxy, bloodied and splayed out over the blue rock like a discarded action figure, makes you feel a little doubtful of the idea of her resurrecting. However, one look at Rose’s determination squashes your skepticism down. There’s no way that short-haired sorceress of the gothic persuasion would allow her daughtermom to die for naught.

 _“Have faith_.” Is one of the many messages passed down to you from your late grandmother. Out of all her teachings, including but not limited to: shooting, hunting, alchemy, topiary, and parallel parking, maintain the faith is probably the most difficult to uphold.

Oh well. You’ll worry about the purity of your soul at a later date. Fighting skeletons in a mystical tomb has been on your bucket list for about as long as you can remember and you aren’t going to let the wisdom of an elderly hermit get you down!

Speaking of your grandmother though…

Jade shrinks a skeleton down to the size of a field mouse and then punts it across the room.

She, Jade Harley, truly is an intriguing woman, fitting of the caliber molded by your own flesh and blood. John’s explanation of the alternate dimension shenanigans had been… far-fetched to say the least. And yet… here she is, younger, less inhibited, and _alive_. It’s daunting almost, to be in her presence. Perhaps that lends to your tendency of avoiding her? Or perhaps you’re just being silly.

Probably the latter, more often than not it feels as if your own thoughts are getting away from you.

A skeletal hand grabs you by the arm and you react on instinct, shoving your gun back, underneath the corpses chin and blowing it’s non-existent brains out. The skeleton falls away and you jump up, onto Roxy’s pedestal and leap over her to join your grandmother in the fray once more.

“Do you get into messy scrapes like this often?” You ask, firing your pistols in tandem.

“Yup!” Jade responds cheerily. “You aren’t scared, are you?”

“Hell friggin no!” You laugh. “This is the sort of stuff I _live_ for.”

“Really?”

“Well, maybe not exactly like _this_ , but you know what I mean.” You direct your pistols towards a group of skeletons attempting to sneak around your wall of bullets, but before you can put an end to their transgressions, a flash of white light blind sides you.

Through squinted eyes, you see that Roxy’s quest bed is now doing a rather fabulous intimidation of a brilliant star. Every inch of the temple, which was previously shrouded in darkness becomes illuminated and in it’s light, and you see something truly terrifying.

There, coiled in the darkness, lurks a skeletal monster of colossal proportions. It’s large head bears many gleaming fangs, it’s bones shimmer with a purplish hue reminiscent of dying blood, and it’s eyes swirl with ethereal lights similar to the ones that swirl above the surface of LOPAN itself.

A little bit of piss may (or may not) leak out of you at the sight of this monster.

“W-What in Mary’s holy name is that?!”

“A denizen.” Rose joins your side, wands a-twirling. “We should proceed with caution. Denizens are known to attack players.”

“I dunno.” Jade squints at the monster. “It actually looks a little friendly.”

Then the denizen uncurls and leaps forward with a menacing _hisssss._

Saving yourself, you lunge to the side and collide with a few skeletal minions. You fall amongst a heap of bones, rolling down the stone steps leading up towards Roxy’s quest bed and coming to an eventual stop on the hard, stone floor.

Up above, you can hear the _blats_ and _booms_ of a battle being waged, one which you would like to avoid in all honesty. Fuck snakes, fuck giant snakes, and fuck skeletal, reanimated giant snakes. The light from Roxy’s quest bed is beginning to fade and you use the last bits of illumination to disentangle yourself from the bone pile and clamber to your feet.

Your fight or flight instincts are caught somewhere in the middle quite frankly. A large part of you wants to abscond the fuck away from this situation, trusting that the girls will be able to handle themselves. However, the other half, is addicted to the shocking buzz of adrenaline as it runs through your veins. Do you fight or do you flee?

Fuck snakes.

But Jade…

Bullets won’t do diddly squat to that beast.

But Roxy… and Rose too….

Did you mention _fuck snakes_ yet?

God-dammit! Why is everything so complicated?! You didn’t have these sort of moral dilemmas back when you lived peacefully on your deserted island! Shit!

Gritting your teeth, and maybe closing your eyes a little bit, you jog up the steps towards Roxy’s quest bed once more. Rose and Jade are firing spells and bullets respectively towards the giant snake beast, who absorbs almost every attack thrown at it. You fire blindly in it’s direction too, praying that you do damage and also praying that it pays you no mind.

Mounting the top of the steps, you look to Roxy’s quest bed to find Roxy, unsurprisingly. What is surprising, is the fact that she appears to be alive. She looks up at you and blinks, probably just as confused as you are. Her old clothes are gone, replaced with a dark blue tunic, pants, hood, and the sweetest bandit mask you ever did see.

“Oh god. I feel… I feel…” Roxy pats herself, exploring her body with her hands. “I feel… really good actually, like, holy shit.”

The denizen lets out an ear-splitting roar as Rose hits it with another spell.

“Up, up, up, Roxy.” You urge her. “We’ve got to get out of this bloody pyramid before we’re swallowed by a giant fucking snake beast.”

“Giant fucking snake beast? What the hell are you- HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!” Roxy catches sight of the denizen. “What the hell is that?!”

“Come on!” You lurch forward and grab her by the arm, pulling her to her feet. You call to the other girls. “Guys! Roxy is un-dead now! Can we please go?!”

Rose and Jade run to meet you as the Denizen flails it’s bony tail, trying to squash all of you with the mighty appendage. Rose throws a few spells over her shoulder to keep the denizen busy, whilst Jade roughly grabs your shirt with one hand and seizes Roxy with the other.

“Rose!”

The other Lalonde shoots one more spell and then grips Roxy’s shoulder. The denizen reels back and then lunges forward, opening it’s massive jaws to swallow the group whole. However, in a flash of green the pyramid disappears, along with the denizen.

You fall onto the sandy surface of LOPAN and greedily soak up the light of the green sun, which burns your eyes in contrast to the dark interior of the pyramid.

“Alright, is anyone going to tell me what the hell that was?!” Roxy demands, picking herself up off the ground. “Like, last thing I remember we were fighting skele-monsters, they didn’t come together to form a lizard megazord or something, did they? Cause if I missed that, I’m going to be _pissed_.”

“That was your denizen.” Explains Rose, dusting off her robes and stowing her wands away once more. “All of us have them, monsters with which we must encounter in order to reach our full potential. I myself fought and defeated mine upon reaching god tier.”

“What about you?” Asked Roxy to Jade.

“My fight with my denizen wasn’t nearly as exciting.” Jade shrugged. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

Roxy looked down at her new outfit once more and then to both Rose and Jade in turn. She smiled.

“So this is god tier, huh? Feels pretty good, not really anything to write home about, but I suppose it could be worse.” She flexes her gloved hands. “What sort of powers do I have? Can I fly?”

“I wish.” Rose examines the god tier symbol now printed on Roxy’s chest. “I’m unfamiliar with this aspect. We may have to do some research on what you’re capable of.”

“Oh great. Research.” Roxy rolls her eyes. “Like we’ve got time for that. I’ll figure it out as we go, don’t worry. I mean, you probably didn’t have to research how to be an awesome space witch, did you Jade? Jade?”

Your grandmother is not standing with the rest of the group, but has walked over to the nearby LOWAS border. Jade stands motionless as she reads a note, pinned to a blue boulder with that troll, Terezi’s, cane sword.

“Dear Rose and everyone else,” Jade reads aloud. “Got jumped by gangsters. John, Jane, and Tz kidnapped. Went after them to kick some ass. Be back ASAP. Love, Dave. Dirk says _‘hi’_ too.”

… Well, shit.

Rose reaches into her satchel, pulls out a very stylish pillow, and screams into it as loud as she can. After she’s done, she passes it to Jade, who screams into it as well. Then both girls plop down on the ground and wait.

You exchange a glance with Roxy. These people are fucking weird.

* * *

=> Be Dirk Strider

You are now Dirk Strider.

At the moment, you’re in hot pursuit of a group of kidnappers, responsible for the abduction of some really rock n’ rollin people. It’s time for some cool, swift justice to be brought down upon these motherfuckers with the speed and efficiency of a shuriken thrown by Bruce Li’s hard as tits ghost.

You and Dave, each nursing your wounds from your short spat with the Felt, sprint around and over blue boulders after the retreating gangsters. It’s not easy though, the green-skinned fucks are fast and you’re almost positive that you see them teleport ahead at one point.

Despite their quick movements and warp tactics, you manage to keep them in your keen sights and track them deeper into the heart of LOWAS. Cresting a hill, you and Dave come to a stop once you see that the Felt, either intentionally or unintentionally, have lead you straight to their base of operations. It’s a tower built of green stone, standing out horrendously against the blue landscape and surrounded by a fence of steel pikes.

You watch the gangster disappear inside, leaving four of the numbers out by the front grounds, presumably as guards. You and Dave duck behind a rock to plan out your attack strategy.

“I’m thinking that we just run and sword, you know?” Dave jabs at the air with his sword for emphasis. “Those fuckers won’t be expecting us to charge at them head-on.”

“Naw.” You peek over the rock. “There’s too many. We don’t know what these guys are capable of. We gotta sneak in, use the element of surprise to our advantage.”

“There is no element of surprise. They probably saw us chasing them. We’re wasting time out here talking. They could be chopping our friends into little, friendly bits right now.”

“If they wanted to kill them then they would have done it back there.” You explain. “They wanted them for a reason. I’ve been fighting in a revolution for years, Dave, raiding strongholds, rescuing hostages. I know this stuff. Let’s take a step back and evaluate our position before we do anything rash.”

“Our position is shit. We’ve got two guys, two swords, and not a whole lot else against a tower full of douchebag gangsters.”

“You can travel thorough time, right? That’s useful.”

“I dunno.” Dave grimaces. “Last time I fucked around with time travel, I ended up cloning myself.”

“Seriously? That’s awesome.”

“Not really.”

“How many clones were there?”

“Uh… quite a few.”

“That’s vague. Like twenty or more?”

“Sure something like that.” Dave sticks his sword in the ground for safekeeping and begins to twirl his hands, summoning a pair of turntables out of thin air. “I’ll tell you what. Let me go back in time and prevent this from ever even happening. I’ll warn us before those guys even show up.”

“Will that work?”

“We’ll see.” Dave spins the tables faster, sticks his tongue out of the corner of his mouth in concentration. His hands begin to glow with a red hue and after a moment, there’s a small _pop_ followed by a _sizzle_ as his turntables begin to smoke. “What the…”

Then his turntables explode.

You’re blasted away from Dave to land with a dull _splat_ in a puddle of black oil. Red lightening arcs into the air and putrid smoke fills your nostrils. Rolling to your feet, you cast about for Dave, finding him sprawled several yards away, dazed and confused.

“What in the actual fuck?” He groans as you rush to his side. “That’s never happened before.”

“Our gangster friends probably heard that.” You quickly pull him to his feet. “We’ve got to get out of here.”

“Fuck that.” Dave retrieves his sword from the ground. “We’re here now. I’m not leaving John and Tz in there.”

“Dave, we need to regroup with the others…” You cast a glance down towards the tower just in time to see a group of multi-colored hats bobbing towards your hiding spot. “Shit.”

“No time to argue.” Dave adjusts his shades higher on his nose. “Let’s show these bastards how Strider’s, even Strider’s from alternate dimensions, get down and dirty.”

He’s right, arguing time is over. As the fist Felt member crests the hill, you draw your sword and charge forward with Dave by your side. Surprisingly enough, you actually do manage to take the gangsters by surprise.

Your first sword swipe cleanly takes off the top of one of their heads, a thin guy with a round head and a green top hat. He falls, spilling a collection of voodoo dolls from his pocket over the ground, but you ignore them, as you’re already leaping towards your next target: a smarmy-looking guy in a yellow cap.

As you cleave him in two as well, you hear Dave somewhere behind you, hacking at something or someone with his own blade. Pulling your sword free of the gangster’s blood-spurting corpse, you turn to find that only one out of the four gangsters is left standing.

He’s smaller than the others by a good few feet and wearing a sweet, purple-stripped hat. You almost feel bad when you pick him up by the collar and slam him against a nearby boulder. He struggles feebly in your grasp as you pin him with one hand and press your sword to his throat with the other.

“You took some of our friends.” You growl in your most threatening voice. “You’re gonna take us to them.”

The little guy struggles in your grip.

“Gah!” He grunts. “Magic distraction dust!”

He reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out a handful of glitter, and throws it into your face. Your shades protect your eyes and the rest settles harmlessly onto your shoulders.

“Nice try.” Dave joins your side. “But enough screwing around…”

Suddenly, a fist collides with your knee painfully. You look down to see that another Felt member, exactly like the one your currently holding, is punching and kicking you in the legs as hard as they can. Annoyed, you kick him away and turn back to your captive just in time to see him reach into his coat pocket again, produce a small egg timer, and disappear from your grasp.

A small foot comes down on your toes and you look down to see that the little guy has returned, this time with company. You look to Dave, hoping to see some sort of explanation, but instead only see his dark shades reflecting your own shades back at you.

Damn, this must be how regular, non-shaded people feel.

All around you, little copies of the same, little gangster appear out of thin air, each clutching a tiny, purple egg timer in their diminutive hands.

“Time travel.” Dave explains, as he moves to stand at your back, keeping all the gangster copies in your collective sight. “We may or may not be in trouble.”

“How come he can time travel but you can’t?” You raise your sword.

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

With another small _pop_ another gangster appears right in front of you, joining the hundreds already in existence.

“This is what happens with you mess with _Eggs_.” All the gangster clones, named Eggs, say in unison as a choir of squeaky voices. “You get motherfucking _cracked_.”

That was a really good pun.

The first clone leaps forward and you slice him in twain, as well as the second, third, and fourth idiot dumb enough to leap head-first onto your blade. As a brutal killing machine, you and Dave slice and chop your way through every single one of the Eggs-copies. To be honest, you get a little cocky as you spear two of the little guys at once. Seriously though, this is like stabbing dead fish in a barrel that is the exact shape and size of a dead fish.

The only problem is that they don’t seem to be stopping. For every Eggs you cut down, at least five more leap up to take his place. You and Dave slowly work your way towards the tower, leaving behind a trail of corpses in your wake, however, your path ahead is always blocked by more and more Eggs.

“I don’t think they’re going to stop any time soon.” Dave back bumps against yours as the literal wave of stupidity pushes the pair of you together. “Got any ideas?”

Through the mess of limbs, you see the pile of voodoo dolls discarded by the fist gangster you killed, one of which looks suspiciously like a doll version of Eggs.

It’s worth a shot.

“Cover me.” You order, lunging towards the doll.

“Cover you? Dirk, I have a sword. I dunno how you’re supposed to… Aw, never mind. Forget it.”

You shove your way through the crowd and reach the Egg’s doll. Raising your sword above your head, you bring the blade down and slice the voodoo doll cleanly in two. In the blink of an eye, all of the Eggs keel over and die like a colony of cockroaches that just got a face full of gazillion proof _Raid_.

You and Dave stand amongst the pile of corpses.

“How did you know that was going to work?” Dave asks, flicking blood from his sword. “I mean, I’m hella glad that it did. It just seemed like a pretty far-fetched move.”

“Sometimes I guess you just gotta go with your gut.” You admit, setting your sights on the tower. “Come on. Let’s get in there.”

You walk straight up to the front door and kick that motherfucker down, revealing a main hall that is currently devoid of friend or foe. Dave immediately charges forward and towards an open doorway leading towards god knows where.

“Let’s be fast.” He says when you catch up to him. “There’s no way in hell that the rest of these pricks didn’t hear us outside. If we’re quick maybe we can avoid them.”

What are the odds of that though? Hardly likely at all if you had to hazard a guess.

The hallway you’re in now is scarce in the door department, put a pair of entryways towards the far end beg your attention. Dave tries one and after finding it to be locked, tries the other, which opens with no problem whatsoever.

The room beyond is pitch black, save for the light filtering in through the open doorway. That disappears though as soon as you step inside after Dave and close it quietly.

“See anything?”

“Just a whole load of nothing.”

“Look for a light switch.”

You feel along the wall by the door until you find a switch, hopefully of the light variety, and give it a flick. The room is instantly illuminated. The first thing you notice is a glass window against the fall wall, opening up to a small room occupied by none other than John, Terezi, and Jane.

They all look up as the light from your room shines into theirs and John’s eyes grow wide.

“Dammit, Dave!” Egbert swears. “It was a trap!”

“You think I give a G.D. fuck?” Dave walks right up and smashes the glass with the hilt of his blade, showering the floor with crystal shards. “Come on. We’re getting the hell out of here.”

“Where’s the Felt?” Asks Jane, as you help her through the window.

“We took care of a few of them, one more than once, but we don’t know where the others are.” You help Terezi through next. “Yall aren’t hurt, are you?”

“No actually.” Jane grins. “In fact, I’m better than ever. Turns out alternate version you isn’t such a bad guy after all!”

“Uh, what?” Both you and Dave say in unison.

“It’s your Bro.” John explains to Dave. “He’s here. He sent the Felt to kidnap you and got us instead.”

Dave’s eyebrows rise slightly. It’s an almost unperceivable change in his expression, but you notice. From Dave, that’s paramount to a full-blown gasp of shock.

“My Bro.” He repeats. “As in _my_ Bro. He’s here?”

“Yeah and we’re getting to get out of here.” John crosses to the door and peeks outside. “He’s still dangerous. He thinks that Jack Noir may still be controlling him a little bit.”

“Well shit, John. I have to talk to him.”

“Later.”

“No, man.” Dave sizes John by the forearm. “I _have_ to talk to him.”

“Not with the Felt trying to kill us.” John gently shakes him off. “Your Bro is fine, _better_ than fine here with the Felt. We have to get out of here, Dave, back to Rose and Roxy and _Jade_ , okay?”

“Psshh.” Dave shakes his head. “You don’t get it man. I’m not leaving until I see Bro.”

“He might attack you.”

“He didn’t on LOHAC.”

“That was different.”

“How?”

John opens his mouth to respond, but his words are lost in the hail of gunfire that blows giant holes in the door next to his head. The remaining members have made an appearance out in the hall, led by that fucker Crowbar.

It was a trap. You’ve been cornered in this small room, a veritable kill-box if there ever was one.

John ducks away from the door and everyone else takes cover as more bullets fly into the room.

“I’m going to clear us an opening!” John yells over the hellfire. “Everyone get ready to run!”

“We can’t run!” Dave yells back.

But John doesn’t listen, he steps quickly out into the hall and sends a strong gust of wind towards the Felt, bowling them off their feet and scattering them down the length of the hall.

“Run!”

Everyone does as their told, even a reluctant Dave, and run from the room, leaping over stunned gangsters in a bid for freedom. You watch Jane out of the corner of your eye. She sprints on that previously wounded leg of hers like it’s nothing, which is a blessing you suppose, although you can’t help but wonder about her miraculous recovery.

Behind you, shouts can be heard.

“Come on, boys! Get your asses up! They’re getting away!”

Crowbar’s voice fades away as you run full-sprint out the front doors of the tower and back into the field of _‘crushed’_ Eggs.

Jane lets out a shrill shriek at the sight of the corpses.

“What the hell?!” She cries, horrified by the scene.

“Just come on.” John takes her arms and pulls her forward. Everyone else follows, away from the tower, up the hill and through the rocky fields. “Alright, alright. I think we lost them…”

John trails off as you group comes to a grinding halt. Standing before you now is a man only cool enough to be one person. He blocks your path with his pointed shades and gleaming sword, filling the deafening silence with his undeniably cool aura.

“Sup, Bro.” Smirks alternate dimension you. “It’s been a while, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I gotta tell you guys, I am in the christmas mood like you wouldn't believe! I put christmas lights around my bed (which is probably a fire-harzard but whatever, amirite?), I bought one of those shitty charlie brown christmas trees for my desk, and I'm getting my christmas shopping out of the way little bit by bit, depleting my already abysmal supply of money XD regardless, I think this is gonna be a good christmas :)
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	65. ACT 7 - PART 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Ivy for commenting a lot lmao

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’re facing off against what might be your most dangerous foe ever, someone whose cool presence has shadowed you since the beginning, someone who skill in combat is completely unparalleled by anyone ever. Throughout all time.

“How you been, little bro?” Asks Bro. He doesn’t advance a single step, but remains frozen in place, staring at your group through those pointed shades of his.

His words from earlier come back to mind. He hadn’t trusted himself to be within the same room as you for fear that Jack Noir’s influence might urge him to attack. Yet here, right now, he’s standing less than ten yards away.

Will you be able to save your friends if he attacks?

Dave stands by your side, obviously caught between maintaining his cool composure and rushing forward to greet his long-lost father/brother/ninja master sensei. You covertly try to shift yourself between the two of them.

“Dave.” Bro continues. “I don’t want you to be scared…”

“I ain’t scared.” Dave chokes out. His fists are shaking. “I’m a hundred percent cool right now. So chill. Shit’s like an ice cube wrapped in a cold pack underneath a glacier. You can’t get much cooler than me right now.”

Bro’s smirk deepens.

“There’s the D-Strides I know.” He takes a step forward. “Come and give your ol’ man a solid fist bump…”

Everyone, with the exception of Dave, raises their weapons or fists or whatever they have in attempt to fend off Bro. The oldest Strider comes to a grinding halt after taking only one step, seeing that now obviously isn’t the time to initiate physical feel-jams of any sort.

He raises his hands defensively.

“Hey. I get it, guys. I get it. I’ve been a shit friend before and an even worse bro. You’d be stupid _not_ to mistrust me.”

“You said that Jack Noir was still bouncing around your head!” Terezi snarls brandishing a stick that she must have picked up from somewhere. “You said that you’d attack us if you so much as caught a whiff of our delicious scent!”

“That may have been an exaggeration.”

“Well, we aren’t taking any chances.” You put your hand on Dave’s shoulder and attempt to pull him away. “We’re leaving. Come on, guys.”

Dave refuses to move. He shrugs off your hand and steps towards Bro.

“I thought you were dead, man.” He says quietly. “What the hell happened?”

“I ran, little man. Jack Noir wanted me to kill yall, but I couldn’t do it. I had to get as far away from you as possible.” Bro explains.

“Well you’re not attacking us now. We beat Jack Noir. We took his ring and blew him the fuck up.” Dave gestures towards you and the rest of the group. “You can come with us now. Fuck these Felt gangsters. You’re cured.”

Bro shakes his head.

“No. Your friends are right. Even right now I feel the urge to rip your spine out.” Bro chuckles. “It’s not as bad as it once was, but I’m still hella dangerous. I can’t leave with you guys.”

“Why the hell not?!” Dave demands, almost angrily. “We need your help, man. Caliborn is out there fucking shit up and I know that if anyone can beat him, you can. Look at you, Bro. Just standing there like a normal person. You’re not psycho, not anymore.”

“Dave.” Bro sighs and massages the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. “I’m sorry that I did this to you.”

“Did what?”

“Gave you hope, man. I just wanted to see you, make sure you still had hot blood pumping through your veins and then send you on your way.” Bro nods back towards the tower and the mountain of gangster corpses, which doesn’t make much sense to you right now, but you’ll ask about it later. Anyways, Bro continues: “And we all know how that worked out. I fucked up, alright? It happens to the coolest of us. Right now though, you need to go with your friends. I’ll stay out of your way from now on. I swear to smuppet jesus.”

 “That’s bullshit.” Dave jabs a finger towards his Bro. “This is bullshit, dude. Just come with us.”

“I owe allegiance to the Felt. They saved my life. Also,” Bro shrugs. “Your friends don’t want me there.”

“That’s freaking _double_ bullshit. Right?” Dave turns to look back at you, but you avert your gaze. He looks to Dirk and Terezi and even Jane, but receives no support. “Guys? Egbert?”

All eyes are on you now.

“Dave…” You shift nervously and look to Dirk, hoping to buy some time. Dirk, who is the alternate version of Bro, simply shakes his head. You swallow hard. “Dave, I’m sorry, but i think it’s safer if…”

“Fuck you, man.” Dave spits. “We wouldn’t leave your _Dad_ behind, no way. It wouldn’t even be a discussion then.”

A hot mass settles in your gut.

“That’s different…” You begin.

“No. It isn’t.” Dave shakes his head. “Don’t lie to me, Egbert. You suck at it. If the tables were turned and your Dad was here instead, we’d already be halfway back to LOPAN.”

“Do you really think I’m like that?” You step closer to Dave. “Listen to your own Bro, listen to me: we’re trying to make the right choices here. Gog knows we’ve made enough _wrong_ ones already.”

“Yeah and whose fault are those?!”

“Dave!” Terezi gasps.

“Terezi, please.” You silence the troll girl whilst maintaining your stare-down with Dave. He meets your gaze easily, jaw set and his fists firmly clenched at his side. You plead with him. “I get what you’re going through, Dave, I really do. And in your shoes, I’d probably act exactly the same,” You step closer towards your best friend, arm outstretched to embrace him. “And I also hope that you’d do for me what I’m trying to do for you now. We have to be reasonable.”

Dave retreats away from you, towards his Bro.

“I can’t leave him.” He says stubbornly. “I’ve already done that once.” He looks past you to Terezi and Dirk and Jane one last time. “Tell everyone else that I said bye.”

And then he turns and walks towards his Bro.

“Cool kid! Don’t be stupid!” Terezi calls, but he ignores her.

You give chase, catching up with Dave easily and joining him by Bro’s side.

“The Felt will kill you.” You look quickly between the two Striders. “Right, Bro? Dave killed their friends. They won’t like that.”

Bro is silent for a moment. He doesn’t look at you, or at anything else for that matter. He only has eyes for Dave.

“I can talk down the Felt. Don’t worry about that.” He answers your question anyway. “They need me on their good side.”

“Then that’s settled then.” Says Dave.

“No. No, it isn’t.” You glare at Dave, concentrating on him with all of your leader-ly powers. “You can’t go with Bro, Dave. You can’t. That’s stupid and unreasonable and _definitely_ a wrong decision.”

“Well you can’t have me without him.” Dave responds simply. “It was always me and Bro before all this shit went down.” He looks to his brother next. “What kind of deal do you have with those green pricks anyways?”

“They saved my life and now I have to work for their boss, _Lord English_ , or something like that. I’ve never met the guy before, but the Felt say that he’ll show up one day and take us away somewhere.”

“See! See.” You gesture madly at Bro. “That sounds like a shit plan. If you go with Bro then you’ll be working for this Lord English guy too, who we know nothing about, who could be really dangerous...”

“Bro and I can handle anything thrown our way. Don’t worry your little head, Egbert. Take care of Rose for me and my daughtermom too.” Dave bumps fists with his Bro. “Come on, Bro. Let’s get out of here.”

Then they start to walk away.

“Dave!” You shout after him. “What the fuck?! What am I supposed to tell Jade?”

Dave’s step falters for the first time. He turns to look back at you with his mouth open slightly, as if he hadn’t even considered his girlfriend until now. You think you’ve gotten to him until:

“Jade will understand.”

Then you watch your best friend walk away with Bro, disappearing over the blue hills and heading towards that stupid green tower full of stupid gangsters and that stupid stupid stupid stupid…

Angrily, you wipe at your eyes and stalk back towards you friends.

“John?” Jane questions nervously.

“What the fuck?!” Terezi grabs you by the sleeve. “Go and get him, dumbass. He can’t go off with that asshole.”

“He made his choice. Come on.” You try to disentangle yourself from Terezi so that you can get back to LOPAN and Rose, but she resists.

“I thought he was your best fucking friend. You’re just gonna walk away? Go back and get him…”

“Shut up!” You bark, surprising even yourself. You rip your arm out of her grasp. “Come on. We’re leaving.”

Terezi stares at you, at a loss for words for once in all the time that you’ve known her. You don’t want to look at her shocked face anymore, so you turn and continue back to the LOPAN border, not necessarily caring if she or anyone else follows you or not.

You’re tired and you’re bleeding and you just want to be alone right now. In fact…

You turn back to the group, causing Jane to flinch in surprise as she’d been following pretty closely.

“I’m going to go, uh… fly for a bit.” You turn to Dirk. “Get everyone back to LOPAN and meet up with Rose and the rest. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“John, wait…” Jane begins, but her words are drowned out in the swirling of the wind as you take to the skies.

You fly up to the smog-ridden clouds of LOWAS and don’t stop until the ground below has disappeared from sight.

_Fuck Dave, and his Bro too. Striders are assholes and you don’t need them on your team._

Fireflies dance across the sky, despite the shining sun or the foggy air, and mock you with their cheeriness. You aren’t mad at them though. A small part of your realizes that venting your frustration on innocent, glowing insects won’t make you feel any better. You simply float on the breeze for a while, drifting without a purpose.

_What the hell are you doing? You need Dave. He completes the square of friendship. A house can’t stand without four walls and neither can your group without him. You can still go back. You can still talk sense into him. It hasn’t been that long._

Through the clouds, you catch a glimpse of something truly bizarre. Curious, you allow yourself to drift towards it. Upon closer inspection, you realize that it’s a house. More specifically, it’s your old house. You think you might feel sick.

_There’s nothing that you can say to Dave that you haven’t already said. Bro will keep him safe. You can count on that. Who knows? There’s a good chance you’ll see him again soon anyways. People have a habit of drifting away and back again in an endless cycle of separation and reunion. You’re familiar with that._

Drifting through your front door, you find the interior to be pretty much unchanged from when you last saw it so long ago. The walls are crumbling, the ceiling is missing, everything is coated in oil, and your bathtub is positioned comically on the stairs.

_If she’d been there, she probably would have been able to talk some sense into her ecto-brother. She could talk sense into anyone, she’s so damn smart. When you meet up with her and the rest, you’ll convince her to give him a call. She’ll have him back on the team before nightfall._

Upstairs, your room is still as awesome as ever. Movie posters, in all of their glory, hang in tatters on the wall, your old computer that started it all is covered in dust and forgotten, and your bed sheets are rumpled beyond belief. Nothing new there.

No matter how carefully you always made your bed in the mornings, it still managed to get all wrinkly and messed up somehow. Eventually you just gave up.

“Dave’s made his choice.” You decide, taking a seat on your bed and disturbing the dust settled there.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde

You are currently waiting for the other half of your party to return from yet another sloppy rescue mission, hopefully the last anyone will have to undertake. Ever.

By your side, Jade nervously fidgets, tapping a tattoo onto her rifle with her finger and chewing her bottom lip so much that she’s bound to draw blood any second now. Jake appears bored, as he draws shapes in the dirt with Terezi’s discarded cane sword, and Roxy is practicing with her new powers nearby.

By _‘practicing’_ you mean she’s sitting alone in a meditative stance, concentrating with all of her might on nothing in particular, and muttering: _“Shazam!”_ under her breath every once and a while. You’re greatly interested in what her role might be, although without a very reliable source of information nearby in which to research her strange new aspect, you can do nothing but guess.

Jade’s ears prick up and her head snaps around to look off into the distance.

“What is it?” You ask.

“Someone’s coming.” She stands, hefting her rifle as well and you do the same.

From around a collection of blue boulders marches a sorry troupe consisting of only Dirk, Jane, and Terezi. The sight of them, instead of filling you with joy, causes your throat to clench up. A million and one thoughts race through your head at once.

Why aren’t John and Dave with the rest of the group? They couldn’t be dead, could they? Not now, not when everything was going so well. Terezi wouldn’t have left either behind if their death was reversible.

You wait with bated breath for one or both of the young men to appear as well, possibly just lagging behind. However, no one appears.

“Where are Dave and John?” Asks Jade, looking between the three newcomers in turn.

“Dave fucking took off with his Bro!” Terezi shrieks. She descends upon Jake and angrily rips her cane out of his hands. “Gimme that, humie!”

“What is she talking about?” You turn to Dirk, an altogether more reliable source of information.

“Alternate version of me is working with the gangsters.” He explains evenly. “When Dave found out that his brother was with them, he opted to stay behind.”

“That’s not possible. Bro is dangerous. He tried to kill us all at one point.”

“He’s different.” Dirk sighs and takes a seat on the hard ground. “Dave wouldn’t leave him behind and John…”

“Where is he?”

Dirk only shrugs and looks towards the ground. In response, you lunge forward and grab him by the collar, forcing him to face you once more.

“Where is John?” You demand, resisting the urge to shake him.

Dirk raises his hand and easily breaks your grip. His shades flash in the fading sunlight and for a moment you think an all-out strife could possibly break out between the two of you. Obviously encountering an alternate version of yourself hasn’t left him in a hospitable mood.

“Your _leader_ up and left too.” He snaps. “He said he’d be back, but I don’t have any clue where he’s gone.”

“He didn’t say?”

“No. He didn’t.” Dirk stands up abruptly once more and snatches his sword from where he dropped it on the ground. “I’m going to go set up camp or something. Come on, Jake.”

“What?” Jake looks up, surprised to hear his name called.

“Come on.”

“Uh, ok.”

“Don’t stray too far.” You warn, as the two of them walk away. Jake gives you a thumbs-up over his shoulder but Dirk doesn’t turn.

Oh well.

You quickly mull over your next course of action. There isn’t much that you can or _will_ do without John, so exploring the other lands is out of the question. Most probably the best thing you can do at the moment is stay put.

“Jane, do you think you can take me back to where Dave is?” Jade asks.

“No.” You answer before Jane can even open her mouth. “You’re not going to talk to Dave, Jade.”

“And why the hell not?!” Jade thrusts her hands against her hips. “Do you expect me to just let him sit on his ass and chill with his stupid Bro while we run around and try to save all of existence? He’s coming with us. I need to go to talk to him.”

“Forbidding him from staying with his Bro will not change his mind, quite the opposite probably.” You rub your chin thoughtfully. “Give him time to catch up with his brother. In a few hours Dave will realize his mistake and come back here, where we will be waiting.”

“No.” Jade shakes her head. “You don’t get it. Bro’s going to get in his head again if we leave Dave alone with him much longer, then he’ll _never_ leave.”

“I understand the manipulative forces behind Bro’s so called _‘fatherly’_ nature. However, I believe that you should give Dave a little more credit than that.” You reach for Jade and pat her on the arm in what you hope is a comforting manner. “I know that you’re feeling some intense emotions right now, betrayal, sadness, longing, but it’s important that we approach this situation delicately.”

“You don’t understand!” Jade suddenly grabs you by the shoulders and shakes you. “He _can’t_ just leave us, not after all the shit we went through! That’s so fucking stupid! I _have_ to talk to him!”

“Dave is fine! If Bro really has changed for the better, then there’s probably not a safer place in the universe that Dave could possibly be than by his side.” You have to raise your voice over her shouts. “If anything, we need to track down John before _he_ does something stupid.”

“I’d listen to Rose if I were you.” Roxy adds, still sat in her meditative stance. “She tends to know what she’s talking about.”

You feel a bubble of warmth form in your chest at your daughtermom’s words. Jade, on the other hand, looks angrily between the two of you, disbelief evident on her face.

“Well then fine!” Jade pulls away from you. “Operation: talk to stupid fucking idiot boys is underway! Let me know how things go with John.”

“Jade. Jade, just hold on…” You begin, but trail off as the girl teleports out of sight. “Grah!” You angrily kick at the ground, sending a blue stone flipping into the air. It lands with a dull _plop_ in a puddle of oil.

You watch the puddle ripple at the disturbance until it grows still once more. Then it ripples again and again and again as more outside forces interrupt its serenity. You look up to see that it has begun to rain oil once more, in customary LOWAS fashion.

Through the beginnings of the storm, Dirk reappears with Jake by his side.

“I found someplace to hold up for the night.” Explains the remaining Strider. “Get your asses up if you don’t want to get soaked through with a flammable liquid.”

As it turns out, Dirk’s hidey hole is nothing but an outcropping of rock, although you’ll take that over the open sky most any day of the week. You wonder if that salamander village is still around and if they’d feel opposed to quartering a group of battered heroes for the night.

Terezi instantly goes to the furthest, darkest part of the small cave and throws herself onto the ground. Everyone else takes various seats on the floor, whilst Jake gets to work starting a small fire with some of the rather abundant oil supply and a few blue mushrooms that had been growing where Terezi is currently making a little den.

“No one bother me!” She barks, folding herself up in the corner. “I’m going to try and see if I can waste away in one night.”

No one replies. They know better than to humor her by now.

“I’m going to go find John.” You declare, staring out into the oil shower, which has now become quite the torrential downpour

“Right now?” Roxy asks, gesturing towards the storm. “In this? Where are you even going to look?”

“There a few places that I can think of.”

“Let me go with you.” Jane rises to her feet. “It’s dangerous to go alone. Hell, it’s dangerous even when we’re all together.”

“As nice as the company would be, I think I better handle this on my own.” You remove Aradia’s satchel from around your neck and hand it to Jane. “Hold onto that for me. I’ll be back as soon as possible, with John in tow.”

You turn and make to step out of the safety of your hastily-built camp, but pause when Dirk speaks.

“Rose.” He says, prompting you to turn back. “John was drifting east last time I saw, opposite of the sun.”

“Thank you, Dirk.”

“Yeah.”

Turning, you walk away from the setting sun, fighting your way through the falling oil, and away from the camp. You head east, per Dirk’s directions, up a steep slope and towards the most likely place in which you would find John.

In truly trying times, when all of your friends are either dead or missing, losing another one who just so happens to be your best friend ever, is probably the hardest and most powerful blow you can hope to take. In times such as these, one’s natural inclinations might be to wish for a happier time. A person might wish to escape back to when things were simpler.

In short: John probably went home.

Through the black rain and dark clouds, you see the spire, a tall, white monument to days long gone and past. You had built this house of course, using the game mechanics to build a way up to John’s game portal, which had first materialized high above his house. It’s ugly and sloppy and you wonder why it’s even still standing in the first place.

You’re no architect, by any stretch of the imagination. Surely a monstrosity of this size and shape should have toppled over by now.

Nevertheless, you aren’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth, not when you have a friendleader to find.

Wishing that you could fucking fly, (What the fuck is this bullshit with not being able to fly? Shit on this shitty shit.) you sloppily clamber over rocks and up the front steps to John’s house, the ground floor of course. You still have hundreds of stairs to climb before you reach the top floor, which most definitely houses John.

Grumbling to yourself, you climb through the house, trailing black, oily footprints behind you and not caring. Up and up you go, until your legs start to burn and you mood dips to horribly sour levels. When you finally reach the top floor and shove open the door to John’s bedroom, you’re ready to collapse and/or kick your boyfriend’s ass.

He’s lying haphazardly on his bed, breathing deeply with the rhythm of sleep. You flop onto the bed by his side, jostling the mattress greatly. That doesn’t rouse him, but a firm jab to the ribs does.

“Ah! Rose? What are you doing here?” He gasps, rubbing at his side.

“I came to find you.” You wheeze, attempting to catch your breath and stay conscious simultaneously. “We were worried. You- You can’t just run away like that.”

“Are you alright? Shit, you’re covered in oil. Let me get a towel.” He jumps out of the bed and disappears, returning a few moments later with a dusty old towel and an even dustier bottle of water. “You sort of destroyed my fridge, but I found this in what’s left of the pantry.”

He passes you the water and then immediately throws the towel over your head before you can open the drink.

“John…” You begin.

“Shhh.” He warns, roughly scrubbing oil from your head and shoulders. “You shouldn’t have come after me. That was silly. I’m fine, obviously.”

“Well I see that now. Regardless it’s dangerous to be alone.” You want to tell John and his towel to buzz off, but honestly his attention feels pretty good. You allow him to scrub you clean, whilst you continue to speak. “Dirk and the others made it back. Jade went looking for Dave, but I doubt she’ll find him and if she does I doubt even less that she’ll be able to talk any sense into him.”

John’s hands slow to a stop. He pulls the towel away and for the first time you see his slanted frown and red eyes.

“Let’s not talk about that right now.” He says, sitting by your side.

“John, I know that it hurts but this a matter that needs to be discussed.”

“What needs to be discussed?” John folds his arms. “Dave chose his Bro and his gangster friends over us. We don’t need him.”

“Dave’s choice, although hurtful, will ultimately prove to be pointless.” You sip your water. “We’re all stuck in this game together. He isn’t going anywhere. That is not the problem.”

“Okay, so what do we need to talk about then?”

“You’re inability to cope with loss.”

John looks at you with confusion.

“I cope with loss all the time.” He defends. “This whole misadventure has been nothing but loss, Rose.”

“Your father’s death has never been fully addressed, neither has your break-up with Vriska.” You point out. “And now Dave’s departure, I believe, has become the final straw. I need, no, I _want_ to make sure that you’re going to be okay.”

“I’m fine.” He replies quickly, a little too cheerily. “I’ve got you and Jade and everyone else. We’re going to be fine as long as the rest of us stick together. Yeah, all of that stuff you mentioned sucks, but… But it doesn’t seem so bad when you don’t think about it.”

“Well, that goes without saying.” You sigh and brush your crumpled bangs out of your face. “But if you don’t think about it, then the problem will never be resolved.”

“I don’t know how any of that stuffed can really be solved though.” John flops onto his back and gazes up at the ceiling. “My dad isn’t coming back. Both Dave and Vriska decided that they were better off without me and… that’s really all there is to be said on the matter.”

You fall onto your back as well, giving into the ache of your legs and the heaviness in your eyelids. When was the last time you slept? You can’t remember.

“You’re sad.” You state simply. John’s arms wrap gently around you, hot and a little slimy thanks to the irremovable sheen of oil all over your body. “It’s okay to admit that. You can tell me.”

“I know.” His heart beats very loudly in your ear. “Is everyone else safe?”

“Don’t chance the subject.”

“I’m not. This is important stuff.” His chuckle vibrates into you, causing you to stifle a giggle yourself. “Where are they?”

“In a cave near LOPAN. They’re waiting out the storm and awaiting our return.”

“Well.” John’s hand lazily drags through your hair. “They can wait a little bit longer, right?”

“Depends what you have in mind.”

“It’s night. You should sleep.”

“So should you.”

“I’ve been sleeping.”

“Hmmm.” You see no problem with a few hour so shut eye. “Don’t go anywhere.”

“Heh, okay.”

Despite everything that’s taken place today, you fall asleep with the ghost of a smile on your lips and the heavy _thump, thump, thump_ of a heart in your ear.

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are now Jade Harley. Let the rain fall down over me.

Let it wash away my sanity.

Because I wanna hear the thunder. I wanna scream.

Let the rain fall down over me and _something something_ coming clean!

You forget the words to the song, but in all honesty, you couldn’t really care less about what Hillary Fucking Duff has to say about the matter at hand. It’s the words of one Dave Fucking Strider, aka your boyfriend, that you’re much more interested in hearing.

Heavy, fat drops of black rain begin to fall from the sky as you teleport through the LOWAS hills, fighting the annoying twang of déjà vu and doing your best to retraced Dirk, Jane, and Terezi’s steps back whence they came. You’re hoping to find the Felt base and talk some sense into Dave, or bodily drag him by the ear back to the group. You haven’t decided yet.

Plucking a mushroom from the ground, you use your space powers to increase it’s size. You now have a very fashionable and eco-friendly umbrella that will both keep you dry _and_ serve as a conversation piece. Good thing too. The last thing you need on top of everything else is to get any more of this ugly oil in your hair.

Through the sheets of oil which descend from the clouds, you spot something strange: a large green tower standing out horribly against the rather dull landscape. Maybe _‘dull’_ isn’t the right word to use when describing LOWAS. _Subdued_ more like.

Anyways, the tower sticks out like a literal green thumb. If any place would house a group of dangerous gangsters and two dangerous Strider’s it would probably be this.

You jog down the hill and towards the steel fence surrounding the tower, mindful to leap over the ever-growing puddles of black ooze.

“Dave!” You shout over the storm, skidding to a halt just beyond the fence. “Dave, it’s me! I know you’re in there!”

You wait semi-patiently for something to happen. Maybe you should go knock on the front door instead of just screaming at the side of a building? Yeah. That sounds smart.

However, before you can teleport beyond to fence, the door is thrust open and out charge about five gangsters, each brandishing threatening weapons, save for one guy whose just clutching a broken chair leg.

“Get out of here, kid!” Growls one guy as he smacks the fence with his crowbar. “Go on, scram!”

“My friend’s in there. I need to talk to him!” You shout back. Your rifle is slung over your back. If you have to, you could probably kill half of these guys before they even realize what’s going on. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that. “His name’s Dave. He wears a really cool pair of sunglasses and sometimes he raps.”

“Yeah. I know who you’re talking about.” The head gangster snaps his fingers and sends one of the others scurrying back in the house. “He’ll be out in a second. Hold your horses.”

“What did you do to him!?”

“Nothing. Nothing, sheesh. Pointy won’t let us touch him, even though he _did_ break into our clubhouse and kill four of our guys.”

“Who’s Pointy?”

“Who do you think?” Out of the tower strides the one and only Bro Strider, sans Dave. “Hey there, Harley. How are you doing on this fine evening? Nice umbrella.”

You grit your teeth, ignoring his compliment. Nothing about this evening is _fine_ , nothing at all, and the sight of Bro smirking at you like this really gets your blood boiling. You hate everything about this guy, from his perfect hair, to his pointed shades, to the way the oil rain just seems to land around him without spilling a single drop on his blindingly-white t-shirt.

“Where’s Dave?” You demand as defiantly as possible.

“He’s inside. Asleep.” Bro jabs a thumb over his shoulder. “I didn’t want to wake him. He seems exhausted. When’s the last time any of you slept?”

“Go wake him up.”

“No.”

“What do you mean _‘no’_?!” You slap the fence for emphasis and instantly regret it when your hand cries out in pain. “I need to talk to him!”

“You can’t.”

“What the fuck does that mean!?”

“It means,” Bro casually leans against the fence. “That he’s got enough on his plate without you screaming in his face. Do you think he’s happy staying here with me? Hell no. He’d much rather be out there fighting by your side.”

“They why isn’t he?”

“Because blood’s thicker than water, honey.”

“Dave’s _our_ blood!” You wanna slap the fence again, but restrain yourself. Barely. “I mean, he might as well be. He can’t stay here with you.”

“Why not?” Bro asks, so calmly that you want to slap him too. “He’s safe here with me.”

“Well, yeah! Maybe, but…”

“But what?” He asks. “Listen, you know Dave just as well as I do. He’ll wake up tomorrow second guessing himself like an absolute slut. In fact, there’s a really good chance that he’s going to try to run out and find you first thing. But that’s not going to happen.”

“Why not?”

“Because I won’t let him. Do you really think now that I’ve got him back that I’m going to let him run around these hills all by himself? No. Not when this _Caliborn_ is out there causing trouble.”

“So what?!” You bark. “You’re just going to keep him here for his own good!”

“Yeah, but I’ve also struck a deal with the Felt.”

“What kind of deal?”

“The kind where I have to help them out. They work for this Lord English guy, you see? He’s supposedly going to come by and pick us all up for a field trip or something.” Bro shrugs as if to say _‘whatever’_ , whilst all the gangsters nearby perk up at the mention of their lord’s name. “From the way they talk about him, he seems like a nice guy. Who knows? He might even be able to put an end to all of this mess.”

You stand there, gripping the bars of the fence weakly as you stare into this man’s shaded eyes. There’s a lot to process from his words. Namely his involvement with the Felt and their allegiance to some guy named Lord English, who does actually sound like a pretty nice guy.

You don’t know much right now, other than:

“I want to talk to Dave.”

“Well, you can’t. He’s sleeping and the Felt won’t let anyone else in the tower, not after Dave and alternate version me turned a few of their pals into mince meat.”

Your knuckles turn white as you grip the fence tighter. The gangsters must sense your tension as they all lift their weapons menacingly. Bro calms them with a wave of his hand.

“I’m sorry, Harley.” Bro continues. “But you can trust me.”

“Can I?” You seethe. “You tried to kill us before. How do I know that this isn’t some kind of trick?”

“Because I’m fighting _him_ off.” Bro steps closer. You could lunge through the fence and grab him if you wanted, but you don’t. That would be a stupid thing to do. “The way you guys fucked him up on the meteor weakened him. I didn’t know _how_ much until I was face to face with Dave and Egbert.” His shades flash in the moonlight. “And I would never hurt Dave, not again, not _ever_.”

Blood’s thicker than water.

“Just… Just keep him safe, okay?” Hot pinpricks form in the corner of your eyes, but you angrily blink them away. “Pr- promise me that.”

“I _swear_.”

“… Okay.”

In a flash of green, you’re gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm posting this chapter, I'm about to head out and take my last final. Fucking Com Sci. Wish me luck!
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	66. ACT 7 - PART 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Ivy for commenting quite a lot lol

=> Be Lord English

You are Lord English. So, what’s the deal with gross-ass human food?

You’ll never understand it.

“What the fuck is this?” You ask, poking at a gross-looking tuber just cold chillin on your plate.

“That, Sir, is a sweet potato tart with coconut crust and pecan streusel.” Answers Doc Scratch from where he sits at the head of the table. “One of Damara’s specialties, although if you would prefer something else…”

“No. I’m not hungry.” You shove the plate away.

“More for me then!” Grins Meenah Peixes as she helps herself to your leftovers. “I have to hand it to you, Doc. You and your troll slave sure know how to throw a party.”

“Slave is such an uncivilized word, Miss Peixes.” Doc Scratch rests his elbows on the table and steeples his fingers before where him. “I prefer ‘ _employee’_ or perhaps even _‘servant’_. The word _‘slave’_ carries along a negative connotation that insinuates I treat Miss Damara poorly. Quite the opposite.”

 “Alright. Whatever.” Meenah rolls her eyes. “Consider that the last time I ever give you a compliment.”

You lean back in your chair, stretching your legs under the table luxuriously. The only complaint you have with your new, large size is the scarce amount of furniture that can accommodate your girth. Doc Scratch, ever the good host, has gone out of his way to have Damara custom make a chair and table specifically for your needs.

You like Doc Scratch a lot.

You’re currently in his mansion on the green meteor, approximately six and a half years before the humans first enter the game. The medium is quiet and boring without the seven gates, the battlefield, and the lands to occupy the empty space. Instead of jumping ahead to a more exciting period of time though, you’ve gathered everyone here now for a little meeting of the minds.

“My _employee’s_ aren’t nearly as handy.” Continues Meenah as she lazily stirs her food around her plate. “In fact, I think a good number of them will probably defect soon. Fucking idiots.”

“More rebels?” Asks Doc Scratch politely.

“Nothing that I can’t handle. Humans are squishy and weak, not to mention fickle. Hell, they waste so much time fighting amongst themselves, they can barely set up one of those pointless internet petitions, let alone a full revolution.”

“Don’t get cocky.” You advise sagely. “One day your luck might run out.”

“Fucking doubt it.” Meenah sneers. “Anyone so much as stands up to me I blast them away. I’ve conquered fifteen large human cities this week. In a month I’ll probably have the entire western hemisphere under my control.”

“Well that’s wonderful to hear.” Doc Scratch nods in appreciation. “I would love to come and visit sometime.”

“Sure. I can show you my imperial drone army and heli-carrier…”

“No.” You interject. “Doc Scratch stays here.”

“Aw come on.” Meenah groans. “Letting him jump between dimensions for an hour or two won’t kill him. There comes a time when you’ve got to let the little birds spread their wings, you know?”

Both you and Doc Scratch stare at Meenah with confusion.

“Sounds like you’ve been reading one of those ridiculous human mothering textbooks.” Chuckles Doc Scratch. “I’m afraid that I’ll have to agree with our Lord on this one. As much as I would appreciate a tour of your facilities, my purpose is to remain here. You, of course, are always welcome in my mansion, Miss Peixes.”

“Thanks, Doc.” Meenah waves her hand nonchalantly, although you can’t help but notice the tinge of purplish-pink in her cheeks at Doc Scratch’s comment about textbooks.

That prompts investigation.

“Would anyone care for some brandy?” Asks Doc Scratch, rising from his chair.

“No. Take a seat, Doc Scratch.” You command. He instantly does. “Tell me how your plans are going.”

“Very well, so far, Sir.” He says. “Damara has begun construction of a vessel that will ferry us to and from the lands, when they appear of course. I must say, however, that the construction process would pass quicker if I had more free hands…”

“You’ll receive more _‘servants’_ soon enough. Do you remember what I told you about those exiles?”

“The gangsters. Yes, of course.”

“Leave the Felt to me. They will be mine to control. You must mediate with the Midnight Crew. Recruit them under your employ.”  You lean forward in your chair, setting your billiard ball eyes firmly upon your most loyal servant. “Tell me the rest of the plan.”

“Of course.” Doc Scratch begins. “After the ship has been constructed, I will leave it where the human players will find it, most likely in one of their lands. I will then insure that they travel, with The Scratch aboard, to my home. I will be an excellent host, whilst insuring that the reset takes place. After that, I will die.”

“Wonderful.” You grin and Meenah shivers from across the table. “Wonderful indeed.” You shove your chair back and stand up. “I further business to discuss with Meenah. Thank you for the dinner, Doc Scratch.”

“It was my honor, Sir.” Doc Scratch rises as well and gives a little bow. “Would you like Damara to see you out?”

“No.” You motion for Meenah to join your side. She does so, but not without looking back to her unfinished dinner a little scornfully. “We’ll be in touch, Doctor.”

Creating an inter-dimensional portal, you take Meenah by the shoulder and guide her through, exiting out the other side intp a swanky-looking office/throne room. You’ve never really liked Meenah’s sense of décor, although you can appreciate the view from a large window. It opens out into a sprawling city, full of humans all of which live under her rule. The window is a constant reminder of how important and powerful she is.

You like Meenah.

“Ugh.” She shivers again, stepping away from you. “I’ll never get used to that teleportation bullshit. I feel like my insides just got scrambled.”

“Heh.” You chuckle, not really warranting her words a full response.

“Well, this is what you wanted to see, right?” Meenah crosses to a safe against the far wall behind her desk. After keying in a complex code, she opens it and retrieves a large helmet much too big for any normal person, but just perfect for you. “The big-wigs in the lab just finished it maybe two months ago. They’ve been working on a lot of cool stuff, appearifying rifles, jet packs, you name it.”

“What about mind control.”

“Mind control?”

“Yeah.” You take a seat on Meenah’s desk, causing the expensive wood to creak dangerously. “You might want to look into it.”

“Uh, okay.” She hesitates for the moment and fingers the helmet in her hands nervously. “D- Did you want to do this here? I mean, it would probably be safer if we had one of the technicians downstairs do this.”

“You know how to work it?”

“Yeah.”

“Then we’re doing it here.”

You offer her your hand and she reluctantly takes it after a final moment of pause. You help her climb up onto the desk, where she walks behind you and sets the helmet over your large cranium. The device falls over your eyes, casting you into darkness. Meenah spends a few seconds flicking switches and pressing buttons on the helmets exterior before resting hand on your shoulder.

“Are you ready?” She asks.

You nod.

Meenah flicks a final switch.

 _“CCCCccccccCCCC- Caliborn?”_ Calliopes voice reappears in your head. _“What is this? What are you doing?”_

Ugh. You hate hearing her annoying voice. You’ve managed to block her out with your magical abilities, but you always knew that that was short-term solution. It’s time to remedy this issue.

“I’m getting rid of you, Calliope. Once and for all.”

 _“You can’t do that. It’s impossible.”_ Despite her strong words, her voice shakes. _“What’s this helmet? Where are those trolls you kidnapped? You haven’t killed them, have you?”_

“Holy fucking shit. You ask so many god-damn questions.” A pressure begins to form near the back of your skull. You grit your teeth as the pressure intensifies into a sharp pain. “Do you feel that, Sister? It’s time to say goodbye.”

 _“What is that? What are you doing!?”_ The pressure continues to build. It almost feels like your head is being crushed inside the helmet, but you refuse to take it off. You can feel the end nearing. _“CALIBORN!!!”_

Silence. Blessed silence.

The pressure disappears and you are alone in the darkness. After a moment, Meenah removes the helmet from your head. You smile to yourself as you watch her unplug a small chip from the back of the helmet and hold it up for you to see.

“Here she is.” Meenah says. “Stored away, just like you asked.”

“Wonderful.” You take the chip from her and store it in your breast pocket. “I would appreciate it if you destroyed that helmet. No point in keeping it around anymore.”

“Sure, no problem.” Meenah dumps the helmet onto the ground next to her trash bin and dusts off her hands. “So is that it? Are you going to disappear again for another seventy years and only show up again when you need something?”

You chuckle again, this time for real.

“I’ll be around.” You rise from her desk. “How is my prisoner doing?”

“Fine. I guess.” Meenah shrugs. “I had a special prison built in the basement for them. They just sleep most of the time and draw on the wall. Pretty boring if you ask me.”

“Good.”

“How long are they going to be here, by the way?”

“Until the time is right.” You pat Meenah on the shoulder, causing her to stumble. “Thank you, Meenah. You’ve been a big…”

The door to the office suddenly opens and you turn just in time to see a disgusting human infant waddle inside on short, useless, stubby legs. You raise an eyebrow and look to Meenah, whose eyes are now the size of dinner plates.

“Mama!” Says the kid as he waddles right up to Meenah and grabs a little handful of her skirt.

“What. The. Fuck.” You point at the _thing_. “Is that?”

“Uhhhhhh.” Meenah stoops and picks up the little human, holding it a little possessively to her chest. “M- My son.”

“ _That_ came out of you?”

“He’s adopted.”

“It’s a _he_?” You squint at the little bastard and he looks right back at you, unafraid. He has the most piercing set of blue eyes you’ve ever seen. You hate him. “Get it out of here.”

“Yes. Yes, of course. I have no idea how he even got up here. Haha. Must have been playing out in the hall. Excuse me for a moment.” Meenah rambles as she scurries from the office with the child in her arms.

You wait semi-patiently for her to return. You suppose that you’ll let her keep the gross human-thing as a pet, as long as she does as she’s told and keeps your younger self a prisoner here until the time comes when the humans arrive and stupidly set your free.

Some might wonder why you’re going through all this convoluted bullshit, when you’re a master of time that could probably cut out the middle man entirely and insure your own rise to power yourself. The truth is that you know enough about time-lines to know not to fuck with the natural progression of things.

A nudge here and a tug there is all you need to make sure that your plans go off without a hitch. Plus, what’s winning without a little fun? You already know how everything’s going to end. You’ve seen it. Might as well dick around a little bit along the way, right?

You pretend to check your watch (which you don’t need because Lord of Time, duh) and tap your foot whilst you wait for Meenah to return. Damn, she’s taking a long time. You’re almost ready to just leave without saying goodbye, until the door opens again and she reappears.

“Sorry about that, my lord.” She says, turning up the politeness. “It won’t happen again.” She walks right up to you and hands you an expensive-looking bottle of liquor. “Something to pass the time whilst you jump between dimensions. It’s from my personal stock.”

“Appreciate it.” You tuck the bottle in your cloak and shake Meenah’s hand. “Thank you for your service. Make sure that things continue uninhibited, _Empress_.”

Meenah blushes again when you call her that.

“Yes, my lord.”

With a final, appreciative nod, you turn, summon another inter-dimensional portal, and step through it.

* * *

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are now Vriska Serket. You’re making this happen.

It’s time to become the badass you were always meant to be and save the universe. It’s high-fucking time for you to over-throw Lord English in the coolest uprising of all time.

Well, this isn’t as much of an uprising, as it is an Ides of March type of scenario. Basically, when Lord English least expects it, you’re just going to jump him and try to steal that scepter.

“That’s it?” Gamzee asks when you explain the plan to everyone. “That’s the whole motherfucking plan?”

“Do you have a better idea?” You snap.

You, Gamzee, Nepeta, Aradia, and Feferi stand in a huddle on the edge of the cherub construct. Lord English himself has gone off on another little inter-dimensional jaunt, leaving you to your own devices. Eridan, the outcast once more, sits by himself a few dozen yards away, doing whatever it is douchebags do when no one’s paying attention to them.

“Naw I don’t.” Well at least Gamzee is honest. “I was just asking. No hard feelings, man.”

“I’ll distract him!” Offers Nepeta excitedly. “I’ll do a little kitty dance or something, while Vriskers prowls up behind him and pounces when the time is right!”

“Alright, that’s probably when all hell’s going to break loose.” You point to Feferi and Aradia. “So then it’s up to you two to keep Lord English busy while I figure out how his magic stick works.”

“What about Eridan and the others?” Feferi casts a nervous glance towards her fellow sea-dweller and towards Karkat and Kanaya, the two mind-dead freaks who just stand around most of the time. “What if they try to stop us?”

That’s a good question. You don’t necessarily want to hurt either Karkat or Kanaya, but with them under Lord English’s control, it might come to that. He had strictly forbidden you from trying to remove their headbands, as apparently you’d die as soon as you tried. After seeing what he did to Sollux, no one has questioned him.

You decide to be blunt with Feferi.

“You see this?” You grab her double-sided trident and hold it in front of her face. “This is really sharp. If _anyone_ tries any shit, you shove this into their chest and don’t stop shoving until their out of blood, got it?”

Feferi snatches her trident out of your hand.

“I get it.” She seethes. “You could have just told me to kill them. You don’t have to be all condescending all the time. It’s really grating.”

“You want to know what I think is grating?” Aradia asks. “The fact that we’re all standing here talking about this crap when we should be getting ready. Lord English could be back any second!”

“Right.” You give everyone a final and awesome leadership speech. “Now, I know that we haven’t always gotten along. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I killed most of you at some point or another, but none of that matters now. We’re a team, a crew, the best goddamn troll fighting force that this entire gog-damned universe has ever seen.  And we’re going to prove it.” You put your hand in the middle and everyone, with varying levels of excitement and annoyance, piles their own atop yours. “Team Vriska on eight. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight!”

Everyone throws up their hands and mutters _‘Team Vriska’_ before wandering off, leaving you by yourself near the edge of oblivion. Nepeta positions herself in the middle of the construct, in plain sight so that Lord English will notice her as soon as he returns, Feferi and Aradia stand together and pretend to be interested in discussing something fake, and finally Gamzee sits on the ground and looks as clueless and useless as always. Perfect.

Reaching into your pocket, you finger your dice. Would you be better off trying to roll something useful or just going for the direct approach, sword first? It’s hard to tell really. Ever since you died, you haven’t practiced with your dice at all. In a pivotal moment, you might stand a chance to roll something really helpful… Or you could completely fuck yourself.

Pulling your hand out of your pocket, you rest your palm on the hilt of your sword. Better play it safe on this one. You aren’t fucking around.

“You seem _tense_.” Gargles a disgustingly lecherous voice that could only be the one and only Eridan Ampora. “Perhaps you should take a nap so that you’ll be well-rested when our lord returns.”

“Go eat a bag of bulges, Ampora.” You growl, turning to face him. “Or at least go do something far away from me, preferably dangerous and possibly life-threatening to yourself.”

“Haha. Oh, sweet Vris.” He buffs his nails on his cloak and smirks to himself. You really wanna fuck this guy up. “You must think yourself so clever for conspiring against our master. Do you really think you and your little crew are going to stand a chance against his power?”

“Oh my jegus, are you still here? I thought I told you to fuck off.”

“He will tear all of you limb from limb.” Continues Eridan, unphased. “Unless you put an end to this ridiculous nonsense right now.”

“That’s not going to happen, alright?” You can’t resist _not_ lashing out at him now. “Can’t you see that? That plan is underway. This is happening. As soon as he shows up, we’re doing this.”

Eridan’s lip rises in a snarl and you watch in slow motion as his many-ringed fingers inch towards his clock pocket.

“That’s not going to happen, Vris.” He says. “My loyalties lie with my lord.”

You tighten your grip on your sword hilt.

“Last chance to stand aside, Ampora.” You breathe, almost too quietly to hear. “You can still be one of the good guys.”

He laughs then, a horrible high-pitched squeal of joy.

“There are no good guys, dumbass. You know this, Vriska.” He chuckles. “Do you really think that you’re on the right side and that we’re on the wrong? There is no black and white, only those with power and those stupid enough to challenge them.” He draws his wand the same time that you draw your sword. “And you, little Serket, are one stupid bitch.”

“Do you really think he’s going to _share_ anything with you?” You circle each other, everyone else watches from a distance, unsure whether to jump in or not. “He’ll break you in half in a heartbeat, just like he did Sollux.”

“Not when I crush this little act of defiance.” Eridan’s wand sparks with the same excitement glowing in his wild eyes. “He’ll see then how valuable I am!”

You’ve heard enough of this.

**STRIFE!**

You leap forward, sword flashing and try to go for a quick decapitation. Eridan is a slippery little rat though and manages to duck under your swing, dancing away to fire spell after spell in your direction.

His feeble attempts at magic suck a lot, so you easily swat them out of the air with your sword and advance towards him again. This is looking to be a quick and decisive victory, especially when he stumbles backwards over his own damn cloak and falls onto his ass.

“You’re wrong, Eridan.” You gloat as you stand above him, sword poised to open up his neck. “You’re not valuable at all. I’d even say that you’re the exact opposite of valuable, _worthless_.”

A loud, booming laugh echoes into space. You know who it is by the timber of his voice, also by the sadistic grin that forms on Eridan’s smarmy little face.

“Well, well, well.” Laughs Lord English. “I leave for less than an hour and you are already fighting amongst yourselves? Where would you all be without me?”

No one moves. No one speaks. Lord English continues.

“Well, are you going to kill him or not?”

You twist your neck to look at him. He simply stands there, with his Cairo Over cloak twirling in a non-existent breeze and an expectant look on his horrible nightmarish face. His billiard ball eyes flash crazily, but your force yourself to meet his gaze.

“M- Master?” Eridan questions shakily. Your sword is still pressed against his neck.

“Silence, worm.” Lord English booms, causing Eridan to whimper. The lord’s gaze never strays from yours. “Are you going to do it or not?”

It takes all of your effort to calmly look away from Lord English to the rest of your crew. Feferi and Nepeta appear to be wide-eyed and frightened, Aradia gives you a small nod, and Gamzee just looks bored by the whole proceedings. You have to make a choice.

“Do it.” Commands Lord English.

“No.” You step away from Eridan and turn to face the _monster_ fully. “We are not going to do what you say anymore. We’ve spent too long following your lead, helping you become all-powerful and enough and is enough. I don’t know what you have planned, but I can tell that it isn’t good for _anyone_ but yourself.” You raise your sword. “Your reign ends here, Lord English.”

Eridan scampers away and shakily stands by himself, while your crew moves to stand by your side, opposite what is probably about to be the death of them. Lord English simply smiles.

“Very well then.” He reaches into his cloak and produces both a bottle of human liquor and the golden scepter. “Ugh. Disgusting human shit. I don’t even know why she gave me this.”

He drops the bottle and allows it to roll right up to your feet.

“Where were we? Oh yes,” He grin widens, as his scepter begins to glow. “I believe you were threatening to kill me.”

 You and your crew charge forward as Lord English fires a beam of light from the end of his scepter, it strikes the ground ahead of you and, like a bunch of annoying flies, you and your crew are flung backwards as if it were nothing.

Aradia’s knees bump into your shoulder and your back collides painfully with something hard. A dull _crash_ is heard and you’re suddenly drenched in some liquid. Groaning, you roll over to see that your weight has crushed the bottle of liquor, coating you in the disgusting substance.

You’re about to chalk up this accident to yet another unfortunate detriment… but then you start to feel it, an un-worldly power surging into your bones, originating for the liquid’s poisonous touch. You don’t have time to investigate this. Lord English’s large, powerful footsteps are approaching.

“ _Hiiiissssss_.” Nepeta leaps towards Lord English and slashes at him with her claws. They don’t leave as much as a scratch and he easy backhands her away.

You watch the crazy cat-bitch spiral away into the air and disappear over the edge of the cherub construct to disappear into deep space forever.

Welp. So much for her.

The power continues to surge through you, revitalizing your previously aching bones. There’s no time to think. You have to act.

Thrusting your sword back into your belt, you reach into your pocket and pull out your dice.

Gamzee hits Lord English in the arm with one of his clubs. The weapon shatters into a million pieces as Lord English laughs and seizes him by the throat. Aradia cracks her whip over his face, distracting him momentarily. He drops Gamzee and turns to her, scepter raised.

Concentrating as hard as you can and directing your power, you roll your die. Time seem to slow down once more as the blue gems bounce across the ground, coming to a slow stop right beneath Lord English’s feet.

It’s a perfect roll, perpetuated by this new power and your natural luck abilities as the thief of light. Eight, eight-sided die in total, all displaying a perfect eight towards the sky.

Feferi throws her double-sided trident, it missed Lord English’s head but continues forward to strike him in the wrist. At the same time, your dice flash and illuminate the entire construct in a white-blue glow.

Lord English cries out and covers his hands with his eyes, dropping his golden scepter to the ground. It bounces once and then comes to a stop right at Aradia’s feet. The adventuring troll instantly picks it up…

And all hell breaks loose.

 Another inter-dimensional portal opens around Aradia and you feel an impossibly powerful tug around your middle. You’re ripped from the ground and sucked into the portal. The cherub construct disappears, the stars, Lord English, all of your friends vanish from sight in a _whoosh_ of sound and a flash of light.

You land rather painfully and face-first in something very cold and powdery. It fills your mouth and nose, causing you to splutter and gag. Sitting up, you manage to pull your face out of the ground just as something collides with your back, shoving you back down again.

“Sorry!” Gasps Feferi’s voice. “Vriska, are you- Ah!”

She is silenced as more weight is piled onto your back.

“Hey, motherfuckers.” Gamzee chuckles. “We sure showed that sonovabitch, huh?”

With a feral growl, you shove against the ground and push yourself up, knocking Feferi and Gamzee off of your back, sending them tumbling into the snow as well. You wipe the snow from your eyes and sit up, taking in your surroundings.

All around you, white dunes of snow stretch out as far as the eye can see. Green-barked trees fill up the rest of the space and you’re pretty sure that you can see a frozen lake not too far away through the many vibrant trunks.

“Where’s Aradia?” You demand, staggering to your feet and looking around. The portal is gone and only you, Gamzee, and Feferi remain.

“She’s as good as dead.” Feferi mutters sadly. She shivers and rubs at her exposed arms. “They’re all dead.”

You grit your teeth.

“No. They aren’t.” You step forward and drag her to her feet. “And neither are we. Come on.”

Then you lead what’s left of your crew through the snowy LOFAF forest, in search of the only people who still might be able to help in a situation like this.

* * *

=> Be Lord English

You are once again Lord English. So, that just happened.

You watch all the traitorous trolls get sucked into the portal and disappear from sight. Kanaya and Karkat tumble past you like leaves on the breeze, but you deftly snatch them out of the air. You have no idea where Eridan is and frankly you don’t care.

You’ve lost all respect for that spineless waste of space, although you do have to admit that he does have his uses.

The portal closes again and the troll girl, Aradia, falls to her knees, still dumbly clutching the golden scepter in her useless little hands. Now safe, you drop Karkat and Kanaya to the ground and walk right up to Aradia. You tug the scepter out of her hand and stow it away in your cloak once more.

“Do you feel smart now?” You ask. “Do you feel like noble fighter of justice?”

Aradia shivers, overcome by the raw power of the scepter.

“Why are you doing all of this,” She gasps. “If you know how  all things end?”

“What did you see?” You grab her by the throat and lift her to her feet, more curious than anything else. “When you held the scepter, what did you see?”

“Th- The end.”

You smile at her.

“Are you happy now? Does all of this fighting and toil seem worthwhile then?”

She doesn’t have an answer for that, which is understandable. No one would like to realize that everything they’ve ever done in their entire lives has been pointless. Because, in the end, you were always meant to win.

“Say _‘hi’_ to your friends for me.” You say, as you cast her out into space. You have no time to waste on people like her.

She disappears from sight, leaving you alone with only your two, mind-controlled trolls for company. You aren’t disappointed to lose so many followers so quickly. Most of them were pretty useless. Plus, you work better alone anyways.

A low whimper catches your attention. You turn to find none other than fucking Eridan Ampora groveling on his knees before you. Somehow he’s still alive. It’s a little disappointing actually. Eridan’s kind of like a cockroach that you can’t get rid of, except somehow more disgusting and pointless. His cloak is rumpled, his weird hair is smushed, and his glasses are askew. Yet, here he is.

“M-Master.” He whines. “I’m sorry. I warned you about their treachery. I-I tried to stop them.”

“Shut up.” You command him. “So, they escaped. What do I care? This little victory is nothing in the grand scheme of things.” You stoop and grab him by the cloak, hefting him like a dog by the scruff of the neck. “You’re a shitty minion, but I may have use for you yet.”

With a wave of your hand, you summon an inter-dimensional portal. Karkat and Kanaya immediately march through it obediently.

“Come on, Eridan.” You carry him through the portal. “There are some people I want you to meet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched Guardians of the Galaxy last night and it got me thinking of the MCU as a whole. Most of all, how are the Avengers going to beat Thanos once he has all of the infinity stones and becomes all-powerful?!?! Food for thought.
> 
> My ideas:  
> Scarlet Witch. She's one of the most powerful superheros in the Marvel Universe, because of her ability to warp reality. Like, in House of M, she says: "no more mutants" and then all the mutants disappear from existence. That's some crazy shit. Now, if she reaches her full potential, then she might stand a chance against Thanos. Ms. Marvel is powerful as fuck too, apparently the most powerful hero in the MCU, but I dunno if she could be Thanos when he has the infinity gauntlet.
> 
> Death. Now in the comics, Thanos is obsessed with Mistress Death. Like he's in love with her. And in the end of Avengers 1 there's a line about "courting death" and it makes me think that the whole reason Thanos is doing all of this evil is to just impress Death. So, what could happen in the final battle is that Death tells Thanos "fuck you I don't love you" and then Thanos just gives up because he realizes this was all for nothing and Avengers win!!!
> 
> I dunno. Tell me what you think. Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	67. ACT 7 - PART 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Ivy for commenting.

=> Be Dirk Strider

You are Dirk Strider.

At the moment, you’re dark side grinding with your awesome rocket skateboard on the side of a tower that looks like a Cambodian tomb.

That’s right bitches, sky-scraping Cambodian tombs and rocket-skateboards. This is your life now.

Grinding off the edge of the tower, you free fall towards the ground far below, dodging arcs of poisonous electricity along the way.  Every breath you take fogs up the interior of your gas mask. This, paired with your sweet shades, makes it nearly impossible for you to see most of the time. You suffer through it though, as you’d rather be legit blind than go one whole second without your sweet-ass shades.

As the ground rises to meet you, shapes slowly become visible. Thousands of shambling, skeletal monsters lurk amongst the streets between the towers like some kind of lethargic mob, completely devoid of purpose, save for when one draws too near. Then they try to kill you.

A few feet before certain death, you kick up your motherfucking rocket-skateboard and take to the skies once more, skimming off the heads of several unfortunate skeletons. Gently arcing around the side of another tower, you set your sights on the center of your land: the Land of Tombs and Krypton or LOTAK for short.

From what you’ve seen and dealt with so far. It’s a pretty shitty land to have.

The visor of your gas mask flashes with a blue light and you reach up with your hand, the one not clutching your katana, to answer Jane’s call.

“Yo.”

“Dirk! Where the hell are you?” She sounds upset.

“Exploring my land. What the hell do you think?”

“John told us not to wander off.”

“I’m not wandering anywhere. I’ve made a decisive decision to seek out my quest bed. There’s a purpose to this badassness, Crocker. I thought you would have figured that out by now.”

“ _Don’t_ call me that.”

“What? Crocker?”

“Yes!”

“Alright. Alright, sorry.” You apologize, but not without muttering a quiet _‘your highness’_ as well.

“I heard that!”

“Sorry, Jane. It won’t happen again.” You perform an excellent benihana around another arc of orange lightening. “I’m heading towards the center of LOTAK now. I’ve got a feeling that’s where my quest bed is. Where are yall?”

“John and everyone else are doing their best to draw the skeletons out of the streets so that Jake and I are can get to that big-ass tower with all that lightning shooting out of it.”

You cast a glance up towards the sky and, sure enough, one tower in particular seems to be the source of the electrified light show. Coincidentally enough, that’s just where you’re heading yourself.

“Coincidentally enough, that’s just where I’m heading myself.” You say. “Where are you guys? I’ll come pick you up.”

“Oh hell no. There’s no way I’m riding on that stupid killing machine that you built.”

“It’s not a killing machine, Jane. It’s a highly versatile and badass mode of transport that can only be described in the literal sense: A motherfucking _rocket-skateboard_.” You do a triple lindy as you a round another corner. Down in the streets below, you see two people fighting their way through the mass of skeletons.

 “Rose said that we were only supposed to use the Alchemiter in emergencies and you went ahead and built that thing! If you want to be literal, Dirk, it’s a wood plank with a rocket tied on the end. How can that be described as anything _but_ deadly?” As she talks, you take your rocket-skateboard into a steep dive, descending upon the two figures. “And can we talk about how awful this land is for a moment? _Literally_ , every second we’re here something is trying to kill us, these skeletons, the lightning, even the fucking air! LOPAN was waaaay better than – AGGGHHHH!”

You grab Jake by the collar, Jane by the waist, and hoist the pair of them up onto your rocket-skateboard. Peeling away from the ground and the hungry skeletal zombies once more, you take to the sky.

“By Jove!” Cries Jake, wrapping his arms around your middle and awkwardly bumping his own gas mask against the back of your head. “A little warning would be nice next time, mate!”

“And miss the look on your faces? Hell no. Plus things always get done faster when you don’t explain them.” You steer the now much-heavier craft towards the tower in the center of LOTAK. “How are you holding up back there, Jane?”

“AAAAAGHGHAGGHH FUCK YOU AGGGGHHHEH!”

“Awesome.” You execute a flawless fakie kickturn, dodge through the haze of lightening surrounding the tower, and bring the rocket-skateboard to a stop on the roof. “Lady and Gentleman, please check the vehicle for any belongings before exiting, as all shit left behind will automatically become mine.”

Jake chuckles and leaps off the board, followed by Jane, who does a spectacular belly flop onto solid ground.

“Is this the place?” Jake asks, drawing his double pistols. “I’d hate for this whole excursion to end as a wild goose chase!”

“Naw.” Tucking your skateboard under your arm, you follow the inexplicable tug in your gut towards a hatch set into the surface roof. “This is it.”

Lifting the hatch reveals a ladder leading down into a dark abyss, possibly right to the heart of the tower. This is such bullshit in your opinion. Roxy’s quest bed was inside of a pyramid, now yours is inside of this spooky-ass tower? Why can’t these quest beds be anywhere easy to get to?

John’s was apparently just chilling out on a fucking hilltop, lucky bastard.

“Jane.” You look towards the girl as Jake climbs down the ladder. “You coming?”

“Yeah. Yeah, just gimme a second.” She climbs to her feet, face a little pale and knees a little wobbly. “You know that I hate you now, right?”

“Yeah. I get that.” You gently take her by the arm and steer her towards the hatch. “Ladies first.”

You descend and the hatch closes behind you sharply, but that isn’t too worrying, as shit like that always happens when someone enters someplace scary like this. What sucks though, is that there is absolutely _zero_ light inside the tower, so you are forced to climb the ladder downwards in complete darkness towards an unknown destination.

It’s a little harrowing, but you know better than to bitch out. Eventually, you reach solid ground again anyways..

“Shit. It’s really friggin dark down here.” Jake all but shouts in your ear.

“Whoa there, English. I’m right here.”

“Oh.”

“Hang on, guys.” There’s rustling sound as Jane fiddles with something. “I’ve got this.”

Suddenly a brilliant blue light illuminates your immediate surroundings. Jane is wielding her red fork weapon and using the glowing orb at the bottom as a makeshift lantern. Functional and ironically cool. You have to give Jane’s weapon of choice some props.

In the glow afforded by her light, you can see that the inside of the tower is cluttered with many unmarked tombstones, haphazardly placed all over the floor with no apparent rhyme or reason. In the very center of the room, rises a high-tech-looking spire that disappears into the darkness above. If you had to hazard a guess, this spire in the heart of the tower is probably the source of all the lightning.

“Can we take off these stupid gas masks yet?” Jane fidgets with her mask in annoyance. “They’re really itchy and I can’t see a god-damn thing.”

“Yeah, you can take it off, although that’s a rather brash idea. You’d probably end up coldcocked!” Jake begins picking his way through the tombstones towards the spire. “This whole land is completely flooded with Krypton gas.”

“Well, I know that! But even in here?”

“Better safe than sorry.” You answer, following Jake to the spire.

The column is made of dark steel and is comprised of many different, interlocking levels. One in particular, at eye level, has a thin slot carved into it’s face, perfect for the insertion of one badass katana.

“Stand back, guys.” You heft your sword and slide it into the slot. “This could explode.”

It does. But instead of consuming you and your group in a ball of flame, orange lightening erupts from the spire all the fuck over the place, giving light to the spire’s true form: a giant lightening rod. Lightning strikes the tombstones, charging them with a magical glow and raising the dead from their slumber. Skeletons begin popping up out of the ground, crawling up to get at you.

“Cheese and fucking crackers!” Jake bellows, raising his pistols. “This shit _again_!”

A flash of orange draws your attention, a large amount of electricity is being drawn towards a point above your head, in the orange glow of the lightening, you can clearly make out a rectangular shape, suspended in the air away from everything else.

“Try not to die.” You drop your rocket-skateboard and kick it into high-gear. “I’ll be right back.”

“Dirk! What are you doing now!?” Jane shouts after you, but it’s too late.

You’re off.

Performing a professional manual ollie backwards corkscrew, you slip between the arcs of mystical energy and fly up to your quest bed. It’s a slab of purple stone, with a styalized heart symbol carved into it’s face.

Slipping off your gas mask, you tuck it under your arm. No sense in losing it. You’re going to need it to get out of here, after all. You land on your quest bed and take a big ol’ gulp of krypton-filled air. Immediately your vision goes blurry along with all the sounds of the battle waging below.

Collapsing onto the rock, you drift off to sleep and…

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

That was easy.

You awaken mere moments after your death with the power and life known only to those who possess the powers of the prince of heart. Slipping your gas mask over your face once more, and then slipping your sweet shades over that as well, you get a good look at your new digs.

“I look regal as fuck.”

And you do.

Another bolt of lightning strikes your quest bed, leaving a dark scorch mark and quickly reminding you of the situation at hand. You turn and leap from the quest bed, free falling towards the ground once more where your friends are battling a skeleton army.

“Sweet Mary and Joseph!” Jake cries as you come down sword-first onto a skeleton, crushing it completely. “Dirk! You look regal as shit!”

“Tell me about it!” You decapitate a second zombie and leap over his corpse towards Jake. “Do me a solid and duck!”

Jake, ever the wise gentleman, does as he’s told and dodges out of the way. You swing your sword with all of your might and cleave the spire itself in two. New reserves of strength flood into your limbs from your core, adding power behind your already deadly strike.

Jane lets out a surprised shriek as the entire tower is suddenly illuminated in a blinding orange flash. Well, blinding for all those in attendance without the cool and protective filter of sweet-ass shades. All the lightening dissipates instantly as you destroy it’s source and up high above, a tiny pinprick of light appears. It grows wider, flooding the tower floor with more light as the whole structure begins to shake.

“Dirk! What did you do?” Jane stumbles into you as the ground does an excellent impression of a category five earthquake. “You can’t just go chopping at stuff like that just because you feel like it.”

“This place is coming down right on our heads!” Jake is right. You’re little act of vandalism has apparently insured the destruction of the tower. You aren’t so much worried about the integrity of the LOTAK skyline though, as you are about your own survival.

“I shut off the lightening and reached god tier. That was our job, right?” You drop your rocket-skateboard to the ground once more climb aboard. “Let’s blow this joint.”

Jake immediately leaps onto the board and wraps his arms around your waist once more. Jane is a little slow to follow, taking the time to impale a final skeleton whilst the tower continues to crumble around you.

“Jane.”

“I know. I know. I’m coming. Sheesh.” She reluctantly fits herself on behind Jake and not a mili-second later you’re off again.

Compared to the lightening before, the falling debris seems to move in slow motion. You easily dodge and weave around the falling stones, dropping some sick rhymes whilst using Jane’s incessant screams as a back beat:

“Uh. Yeah. Flying though a motherfucking tower.

Busting into flames with all this radical speed.

Friction so hot, it will burn off that glower.

Can you stand up against this bodacious deed?

Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.”

That’s right. You still got it.

You erupt from the top of the tower like a bullet from a gun. Jane’s screams are drowned out by the tremendous _crash_ of the tower collapsing in on itself. Down below, the streets are filled with putrid smoke and dust. However, the skies above are lightening-free.

You loop around the wreckage of the tower once before flying off to meet up with the rest of the group.

Mission accomplished.

* * *

=> Be Jake English.

You are now Jake English. This of course means that you’re probably one of the most rock-hard adventurers to ever live. Seriously, the love child of Lara Croft and Nathan Drake probably couldn’t pull the shit that you, Dirk, and Jane just did.

Dirk flies his awesome and totally hot rocket-skateboard towards the edge of LOTAK, where the rest of the group is waiting just beyond the border where they’re safe from the poisonous krypton gas. Man, they’re going to be over the moon with happiness when you tell them what you did.

“You did what?!?” Jade shrieks when you tell her what you did. “Dirk! You can’t just run around your land blowing up monuments willy nilly!” Rose shifts away guiltily, as Jade continues. “You could have permanently ruined the entire ecosystem of LOTAK. Maybe all of Skaia!”

Dirk shrugs.

“If you ask me, that lightening was a problem. I stopped it, as well as,” Dirk gestures to his new attire. “Reached god tier. I fail to see how you can be disappointed by this.”

“There could have been consorts in that tower…” Jade looks a little put-out.

“You know, I don’t think there were.” You pipe up. “Seems to me that all of our consorts in these new lands have been replaced with these dastardly skeletal monsters.”

“You don’t know that though!” Jade wheels on you.

“Jade.” John pats his ecto-sister on the back. “Jake’s kind of making sense, you know? Pyramids and Tombs are both place that are liable to be full of skeletons! So it makes sense that LOPAN and LOTAK have skeleton consorts.”

“Yeah, but…” Jade looks to the collapsed tower and massive cloud of dust obscuring the suns, then she just shakes her head. “Whatever.”

She walks away then, back into LOPAN. John gives chase and after a moment the rest of the group follows. Miss Harley has been different since Dave left, more emotional, and in all honesty a little less fun to be around. In fact, the whole group seems to be less fun without Mr. Strider.

“Someone needs to take a chill pill.” Roxy sidles up to you, nodding ahead to where John and Jade are talking. “Good work back there, bee tee double-u. That was pretty cool.”

“Thanks!” You respond cheerily. Roxy’s a different story. She’s always fun to be around! “That was all Dirk though. You should have seen him Roxy. It was pretty spectacular!”

“Yeah…” Roxy stares at the back of Dirk’s spiky, blonde head. “He is pretty hot- I mean, spectacular. Hey, what do you think _your_ land is going to be like!?”

“My land. Hmmmm.” You decide to ignore her quick change of topic. “I dunno! I’d really like it to be cool, but also pretty easy to navigate, you know? I’d hate to spend another bloody five hours searching for my quest bed.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Roxy appears to have zoned out. “Hey, listen. You think I’m hot, right?”

“Errr.”

“Like, do you think it’s possible for someone to be soooo _hot_ that they can change someone’s sexual orientation? Like, could that be me?” She chews her lip. “Oh, just forget it. I don’t know what I’m talking about, just never mind.”

“Uhhh.

“I’m going to go talk to Jane.”

“Okay.”

You watch her adjust her pace so that she walks next to Jane. Women. You’ll never understand them.

“Sup.” Dirk’s sudden appearance by your side causes you to jump. “Good work back there, English. We make a pretty good team.”

“Yeah!” You have to agree with that statement. Dirk’s a pretty solid dude. He’s fun to be around too. “That one time where you chopped that skeleton in half was pretty friggin top. You’re a natural with that sword.”

“Oh, this old thing.” Dirk smirks and gives his gleaming, razor-sharp sword a little flick. “Yeah, I guess I am pretty badass, huh?”

“More like _really_ badass. You’re the best, Dirk!”

“I get that a lot.”

As you talk (mostly Dirk) and laugh (mostly you) your group passes through LOPAN once more, away from LOTAK and LOWAS and towards an unidentified third border in the south, where you will undoubtedly find another new land just waiting to be explored to your heart’s content.

Roxy’s question from before buzzes in your mind. Not the weird one about sexual orientation, but the one about your land. What would you like it to be? Is that even a factor in it’s creation?

As much as you would like a cool, interesting, and adventure-filled land, you wouldn’t be disappointed by just a simple, straightforward, and easy to traverse land. Finding your quest bed and moving on with your ultimate quest is a time-sensitive project that everyone seems to be fiercely determined to undertake and the last thing you want to be is a hindrance to progress!

“Wow.”  Speaking of progress, you group come a stop at the border of LOPAN and… whatever this is.

The new land ahead is green in color, like John’s was blue, and covered with many round hills. Shielding your eyes from the sun, you inspect the land, finding a few mobs of skeletons to be loping around the earthy mounds.

“Well it doesn’t smell poisonous.” Terezi sticks her head over the line separating the two lands and dabs at the ground with her tongue. “And it tastes like cucumber.”

“How do you even know what that is?”

“How do you even- SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Terezi draws her cane sword. “Are we going in there or not?”

“Yeah we’re going in.” John leads the way across the border. Immediately you feel a sharp tug in your belly, simultaneously making you feel queasy and urging you deeper into the land. “Let’s just stick together, try not to get lost, and find this quest bed as soon as possible. Is anyone feeling…”

“The tug?” You finish. “Yup! I got it. This is my land, no doubt about it.”

“Do you want to name it?” Rose asks.

“Hmmm. How about… the land of….” You look at the green hills and the purple haze that drifts along lazily in the distance. “The land of magic and xenon.”

“Xenon?”

“Yeah,” You point towards the purple haze. “That purple looks like…”

“Electrically excited xenon molecules.” Jade finishes, looking sort of up-beat for the first time in a while. “Plus, xenon totally fits with the elements theme.”

“I don’t get the magic part though.” Jane says. “I mean, everything is sort of magical in the medium. What makes this land so special?”

“Alright. Alright, I’ll change it.”

“You don’t have to change it, Jake. I just want to know.”

“This isn’t important!” Terezi suddenly snaps. “I cannot believe you guys! Karkat always said that you humans were just mounds of useless flesh, but I didn’t believe him until now!”

“Mounds!” You gasp. “The Land of Mounds and Xenon. Fucking got it.”

Terezi fumbles over to Rose, digs her hand into the other girl’s satchel, pulls out a small throw pillow, and proceeds to scream into it for a solid ten seconds. When she passes the pillow back to Rose, it’s a little wet and chewed on. Rose accepts it reluctantly.

“Well, now that that is settled, let’s go!” John cheers

You follow him into LOMAX, using your magical inner compass to guide the group when they start to stray off course. Hordes of skeletons pass by, but they rarely drift close enough to attack and the ones that do are quickly put down. You hike over the green, dirt mounds, passing bizarre structures that bare an uncanny resemblance to something Rose calls Stonehenge, which was apparently something they had on earth.

It just looks like a cool formation of red rocks to you, clashing against the consistent green landscape. On your version of earth there was a holiday called _stonebinge_ which is just a night where kids go from door to door collecting rocks in empty pillowcases. It’s sort of like Halloween, except much shittier.

At the end of the night, all the kids get together and count how many rocks they got. The kid with the least wins… something, bragging rights or whatever. You never got to play on account of you living on a secluded island your whole life.

Sigh…

“Oh my _god tier_ rings!” John gasps suddenly. “I think this is it.”

Sure enough, the tug in your gut has grown impossibly strong. Right there, atop no hill in particular, rests a slab of pale yellow stone with a weird symbol carved onto it’s face. If you had to describe it, you’d probably say that it looked like a set of wings.

Oh shit. Maybe your power will be flight! That’d be so sweet.

“Finally, a stroke of luck.” Rose stoops to examine the quest bed. “Another unfamiliar aspect. Do you recognize this one Terezi?”

The sole surviving troll prods at the engraving with her fingers, screwing up her face in concentration.

“I dunno for sure. Hehe.” She says with a grin. “But let’s just say that this aspect is pretty _hope_ ful.”

“…”

“It’s hope, dumbasses. This- this aspect is hope… just forget it.” Terezi stands up and grabs you around the neck. “Hurry up and die green boy so we can get on with this quest.”

She slings you onto the quest bed and you stumble to your knees. You quickly adjust your glasses, which were jostled by the rough treatment, and look around at the rest of the group with worry. This was one part of the ascension process that you were _not_ looking forward to.

You finger your pistols nervously.

“Heh.” You’re starting to sweat. “Does- Does anyone wanna do the hon-“

Something strikes you in the back, burns though your heart, and explodes out your chest in a shower of blood. Someone screams, your legs stop working, and all you see is black.

 **YOU ARE DEAD**.

* * *

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are now Vriska Serket. You’re traversing the incredibly eye-weary land of LOMAX, although you don’t know that it’s called that officially. It just sounds like a good name, has a nice ring to it

Anyways, you, Feferi, and Gamzee have made it all the way from LOLFAF, through LOLAR, around LOHAC because fuck that place, and finally into LOMAX. Your hope is to find John and the other humans sometime before Lord English catches up to you.

With every second you spend unable to spot head or tail of that blue boy, your frustration only grows. Hell, by the time you see a group of individuals clustered on a hill top, you’re almost ready to crack a few skulls.

When you see that Terezi is with them, you _definitely_ want to crack a few skulls.

And when you see John and Rose holding hands, there isn’t a doubt in your mind: someone’s skull is getting cracked.

“Vriska.” Feferi gasps. “What are you doing?”

You juggle your dice between your fingers and set your sights on the unlucky asshole standing alone on a quest bed. You always were one to make an entrance.

With a flick of your wrist, you send your dice spinning from your fingertips and into the human’s back killing him instantly. As he falls, you hear a scream and it’s like music to your ears.

“Come on, guys.” You start towards the hill. “Let’s go say _‘hi’_ to some old friends.”

The first word out of John Egbert’s mouth is one that you’d typically expect from someone in his position:

“Whaaaaaaaaat.” He gasps, incredibly surprised to see you in all of your glory once more.

Everyone else is equally shocked, but a little more responsive. In the blink of an eye, you and your bedraggled crew are staring down the barrel of two rifles, wizard wands, a sword, and something that just looks like a really big, red fork.

You motion for your crew to hold their position.

“Hello, Egbert.” You begin, putting a little extra sass behind your words. “Out having a little party, huh? That’s cute. While you and your pals have been circle jerking one another, we’ve been out trying to save the universe. Funny how that works.”

Rose gains her voice first.

“How did you escape the void?” She demands, keeping her wands trained on your chest.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, _little miss perfect_.” You snarl. “I’m not explaining anything to any of you until _all_ of my own questions are answered. And I mean _all_ of them.”

John seems to regain his senses. That’s surprising, you’d expected him to be shocked out of commission for at least five minutes. What’s even more surprising is the fact that he’s now walking toward you with a calm expression on his face and OH MY GOG HE’S HUGGING YOU WHY THE FUCK OMG HE’S SO FUCKING WEIRD.

“You’re alive.” He deduces, wrapping his arms tightly around your shoulders. “How?”

You’re at a loss for words. Your badass entrance is totally being trumped by this public display of genuine affection. Once again John Egbert has thrown you for a loop and it’s really, _really_ annoying.

You don’t have the burning desire to throw him to the ground nor the powerful urge to return the embrace. Instead you simply stand there, awkwardly looking anywhere but at Rose Lalonde’s stupid face, and wait for it to be over.

“Vriska…” He sounds nervous when he finally pulls away. “I’m really sorry.”

“Sorry?” You ask before you can stop yourself. “For what?”

“For not saving you. I told you that I would and I didn’t. The golden ring…”

Oh. That’s right.

“Yeah, about that…” You lunge forward and punch him square in the nose with your robotic arm, knocking flat on his ass. “Are you a fucking idiot?!”

His friends rush to his aid, but John waves them off quickly. They’re all glaring at you with a mixture of confusion and contempt, with the exception of Terezi, who looks more nervous than anything else.

 Clutching his blooded nose, John climbs to his feet.

“Heh. Is that a rhetorical question?” He chuckles. “God that hurt.”

“You’re lucky I didn’t punch a hole right through your stupid head.”

“Can you do that?”

“Duh, of course I can.” You flex your robo-fingers. “And yeah, that question was rhetorical. We all know that you’re straight off the assembly line brain-dead.” You list off all of John’s blunders on your fingers. “You broke up with me, somehow got the golden ring, which isn’t the bad part, but I’m getting to it, GAVE THE RING TO LORD ENGLISH, and now you’re running around these new shitty lands worried about god tier?!?”

“Whoa.” John looks affronted. “You broke up with _me_.”

“THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!” You seize him by the front of his awesome god tier shirt, intent on shouting in his face. Before you can even formulate words though, the cold tip of a wand is shoved against your chin.

“Release him.” Commands Rose Lalonde in what you guess is supposed to be an impressive voice????

“What are you going to do, _missy_?” You growl, maintaining your grip on a very worried John. “Let’s see if you can cast a spell before my crew rips you apart.”

“Even if your crew wanted to fight us, we outnumber you almost two to one.” Her wand presses deeper into your jugular. “Let him go.”

Snarling, you shove John away and slap Rose’s wand away from your neck. There’s a tense second as you stare the other girl down. Oh what you would give to take that rod out of her ass and beat her to death with it.

However, before you give into the temptation, the human that you killed on your quest bed comes to life, gasping and spluttering for air.

“Oooh black water keep on rolling!” He cries, sitting bolt upright. “Wh- Wh… Where are my pants?!”

“Maybe we should just take a second to cool off?” John offers hopefully. He motions for everyone to follow him. “Come on. It will only take a sec.”

Everyone does as he asks, even your crew. As they walk past you, you take Rose Lalonde by the arm.

“Next time you point that silly wand at me,” You growl in her ear. “You’re going to regret it.”

“Next time,” Rose wretches her arm out of your grasp. “I’ll blow your fucking brains out.”

Then she walks away towards the rest of the group, leaving you with no choice but to reluctantly follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is a good day, my friends. Fore i have found my lost copy of Mass Effect 3. Tali, my love, I will do everything in my power to keep you alive this time around. (in my first play-through, she fucking took the nesty plunge off of a cliff after I sided with the geth, selfish bitch) Only a few of you will know what I'm talking about, but whatever.
> 
> All of my skateboarding knowledge comes from Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3. I hope we can still be friends.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	68. ACT 7 - PART 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Mithre for commenting.

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are Jane Crocker. One is the loneliest number.

Everyone else, with the exception of the trolls, are wearing sweet god tier gear. But not you! Once again, you’re the last one to join the party.

If you consider dying a party, that is.

The group is trekking once more through the lands, this time through LOMAX to the eighth and final territory in the medium.

John is leading the way again, with the mean troll girl, named Vriska, by his side. Rose and Jade are close behind, conversing together in hushed voices and casting glances ahead towards their leader every whence and then.

The rest of the trolls, Terezi, Feferi, and Gamzee, follow behind them. They all seem to be on relatively good terms. Hell, you could almost say that they’re almost happy to see each other. Terezi in particular, who’s spent the last week or so as the odd man out, is particularly excited to be in the company of her fellow trolls once more.

Lastly, your group of very confused alphas lags behind.

Roxy practices her magic under her breath. You don’t know what her power is or even what she’s trying to do, but there are a lot of hand motions and magical-sounding words like: _Zaaa!_ Or _Beeouyup!_ You stifle a giggle as you watch her work. You’re honestly unable to tell if she’s being serious or not.

Dirk swishes sword through the air as he walks, cutting the breeze in two and filling your ears with a sharp _whistling_ sound. You don’t tell him to stop though, no matter how annoying it gets. Dirk, just like everyone else, needs _some_ outlet for aggression and as long as his practice his harmless, you’re glad to let him fidget.

It hasn’t been explicitly said yet, but you sort of consider yourself to be the leader of these misfits, since you’re John’s great-granddaughter and all. You feel the leader-ly urge to make sure that Dirk is doing okay. Emotionally, you mean. Physically he’s built like an Easter island head, all chiseled and rock-hard and…

“Janey.” Roxy elbows you hard in the ribs. “You alright? Your face is getting all red.”

“Yes. Yes, I’m fine.” You fan yourself with your hand. Oh shit. Are you getting the vapors???? “It’s just really warm out here, isn’t it?”

“Warm?” Jake shivers in his underwear by your side. “You’ve got to be yanking my chain. It’s bloody cold as dicks out here!”

“We’ll alchemize you some pants next chance we get.” Dirk promises, swinging his sword once more. “As your leader, I decree it.”

“Sweet.” Jake shivers some more.

“Hey,” Roxy strokes her chin. “I thought Jane was the leader.”

Dirk lets out a tiny noise that sounds a little like _‘eh’_.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask, a little defensive.

Dirk looks between you and Roxy.

“Are yall being serious?” A smirk smoothly slides across his lips. “Look. I don’t mean to come off as a dick. I just have much more experience actually being a leader, so it only makes sense that I’d carry the torch here.”

“I think Jane would be an awesome leader!” Roxy slings an arm around your shoulder. “She’s brave and smart and a whole bunch of other stuff that I can’t think of right now but would totally further qualify her as leader.”

You slide out from under her arm with a smile on your lips. You like Roxy. She’s a pretty cool gal most of the time.

“Yeah, Jane’s pretty cool.” Dirk ruffles your hair, in a fatherly sort of way. You feel an angry squirm in your gut. “She can be leader if she wants. Just remember, when the shit hits the fan, don’t be surprised when I start doing all the heavy lifting.”

“Okay, now you’re coming off as kind of a dick.” You say half-jokingly, as you slide out from under his arm too.

“Just being honest.” Dirk shrugs. “Me and Jake here are the only ones with any real combat experience.”

“Being a leader is more than just fighting.” Roxy points out.

“I’m happy with Dirk being leader.” Jake admits.

“Look, this doesn’t matter.” You interrupt before Roxy can toss out another response. “I really don’t care who’s following who as long as we get out of this alive, besides, we’re all on Team Egbert at the moment anyways.”

Everyone silently nods their agreement and for the moment the leader issued is shelved.

Ha. Look at you diffusing situations like a…. oh geez.  What’s the word?

Oh, right. A motherfucking **_LEADER_**.

After cresting a final green mound, your group suddenly finds themselves faced with an altogether familiar, barren landscape of dull grey.

“Wow.” You hear Jade let out a low whistle. “This looks like absolutely zero fun.”

“Beg to disagree!” Roxy points up towards the sky, where hundreds upon hundreds of hot-air balloons bob along like colorful clouds. “That looks fun as shit.”

“I’m going to go check them out!” Jade’s already looking through her fingers by the time Rose grabs her by the shoulder.

“Perhaps we should stick together and remain firmly on the ground for the time being.” She advises gently. “We need to explore this land quickly, so as to find Jane’s quest bed. I have a feeling that our time is running out.”

“What do you mean?” Asks John.

“Just a feeling I get.” Rose rubs her arms. “Like something bad is going to happen, and soon too.”

“Typical seer of light.” Vriska sneers. “Way to drop an incredibly vague and ominous prediction on our heads that doesn’t help in any way at all.”

Rose ignores her.

“I know that it’s only a matter of time before Caliborn makes his grand re-appearance.” She turns to John. “I’m worried that we won’t be prepared for when he does.”

“We will be.” John reassures her, although you’re uncertain how can he know anything of the sort. “Let’s go.”

“We aren’t exploring _any_ land until I get some answers.” Vriska folds her arms and glares at John. “You said that we were going to talk.”

“We did.”

“But not about any important stuff!” Vriska stubbornly takes a seat on the ground, mere feet away from the edge of the LOMAX border. “I’m not moving until things are flushed out.”

“Fine by us. Come on, John.” Rose tries to lead the way into the new land, but only goes a few steps before she realizes that no one is following her. “John?”

“I think Vriska’s right, kinda.” John rubs the back of his neck. “We need to regroup, compare notes, and figure out how to fight Caliborn. I’ll stay here with Vriska while Jane goes and finds her quest bed.”

No one looks happy about this, with the exception of Vriska maybe.

“Not alone.” Rose folds her arms. “I’ll stay too.”

“No, I need you to lead the way to Jane’s quest bed.” John takes his girlfriend by the shoulders. “I trust you to take care of this super special and dangerous mission. I’ll stay here with… Jade and the trolls. You take everyone else.”

“Splitting up has never worked before.”

“This time it will be different.”

“How do you know that?” Rose asks. “How can you just say things like that?”

“Because someone has to.” He kisses her on the forehead quickly, in a really sweet display of affection that totally makes everyone else _really_ uncomfortable. “We’ll be waiting right here, okay?”

Rose nods and steps out of his embrace.

“Come on.” She motions for you, Roxy, Dirk, and Jake to follow her. “Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible.”

With a final wave to John and the rest, you follow Rose and your friends into the unknown depths of this strange new land.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means you’re watching your current girlfriend lead the alphas out over the barren, grey landscape and out of sight.

Your ex-girlfriend sits on the ground behind you, waiting rather impatiently for you to notice her.

“Are you sure about this?” Jade asks by your side. She’s careful to keep her voice hushed.

“Yeah.” You respond, turning back towards Vriska. “We’re just going to talk, piece of cake.”

Those left behind sit in a loose circle, which consists of you, Jade, Vriska, Terezi, Feferi, and Gamzee. Vriska, who sits opposite you, begins the meeting with a joke:

“Thanks for getting rid of Lalonde, pupa. It sure would suck if anything happened to her, right? Haha.”

 No one laughs, except Terezi that is, but she laughs at pretty much everything so you don’t really count her. Jade growls quietly and you pat her on the knee in what you hope is a calming manner. The last thing you need is a strife to break out between what’s left of your friends.

“I don’t get why you don’t like her so much.” You respond, leaning back on your hands. “Oh geez. I hope this isn’t some weird love-triangle bullshit. That’s the last thing we need.”

“Pssh. Don’t flatter yourself, pu- _Egbert_.” Vriska rolls her eye. “I’ve been over our little flushed fling for like a whole sweep now. I don’t like Rose because she’s a weird little bitch with pasty skin and a weird face.”

“What’s weird about her face?”

“I don’t know. It’s just weird!” Vriska waves her hand. “Whatever. That’s not what we’re talking about here. How did you reset the game?”

“How do you think?” Jade snaps. “We used The Scratch.”

“So you made it to that meteor finally?”

Although Vriska’s question is directed at you, Jade answers anyways.

“That should be obvious.” Your ecto-sister growls. “How did _you_ escape the void?”

“Nu uh. Dog girl.” Vriska waggles her finger. “I’m still getting my questions answered. Egbert, how did you get the ring?”

“I didn’t get it.” You point to Jade. “She and everyone else did. Jack Noir followed us to the meteor and attacked them. They fought back and actually _beat_ him. He escaped back here though, somehow.”

“Somehow.” Vriska repeats. “Do you really expect me to believe that he gave you guys the slip and just _jumped_ back here?”

“It’s true.” Terezi pipes up finally. “He got to the Alchemiter and alchemized some secret teleporter thing probably.”

“I call bullshit.”

“Then you’re stupid.” Jade folds her arms defiantly. “That’s what happened. I saw it with my own two eyes.”

“Okay. Let’s _pretend_ for a moment that Jack Noir was able to teleport off the meteor back here. Whatever.” Vriska leans forward suddenly, resting her elbows on her knees. “How did Lord English get the ring?”

“You mean Caliborn.” You correct.

“I don’t know. Maybe? He didn’t go by that name.”

“John!” Jade suddenly screams and grabs you by the arm. “John, I just remembered. Bro said that he and the Felt were going to work for Lord English. If Lord English and Caliborn are the same guy, then…”

“Then we’ll deal with that soon. I promise.” You’ve already made that connection in your head. You’ll solve the Dave conundrum soon enough. At the moment though, you stand by the idea that Dave is safe with his Bro. “One thing at a time, okay?”

You explain to Vriska how you were captured by the Condense, met Calliope and Caliborn, and then escaped with them and Jane to the medium. Jade and Terezi help explaining the part where Caliborn totally went ape-shit, killed a few of you, and then escaped with the ring, but not before destroying most of your stuff.

Your story ends with Gamzee chuckling to himself.

“Shit, man.” He laughs. “So all of this is your motherfucking fault?”

“Yup!” Says Terezi ruefully. “The brilliant John Egbert struck again, leaving all of existence practically fucked by setting this all-powerful maniac on the loose.”

“He’s even more powerful now.” Vriska muses. “He has this scepter that can manipulate time and Eridan, Karkat, Kanaya are still working for him.”

“Karkat’s still alive?” Terezi gasps. “Really? I thought for sure his unmitigated sass would have gotten him snuffed by now.”

Vriska narrows her eyes at her former friend.

“Yeah. He’s alive, but only because Sollux sacrificed himself and died.” Her words cause Feferi to flinch, but Vriska doesn’t seem to care. She keeps speaking to Terezi. “You know what I’m talking about, right? _Dying_. That thing that happens when you cease to live. It’s nothing that I’d expect you to fully understand, seeing how you’ve never died and all.”

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re still peeved because of that little scuffle. It’s water under the bridge. Hehe.”

“ _Water under the bridge_?!? You murdered me, bitch!”

“You deserved it! Ever heard of a little thing called _justice_?!”

“Hey, uh. Can you guys not do this right now?” You try to put an end to this scrabble before it gets out of hand. “We’re all on the same team now, right? We can’t fight amongst ourselves.”

Vriska shoots Terezi a scathing glare, of which she remains infuriatingly oblivious.

“As much as it would tickle your little friendship gland, Egbert, we are _not_ on the same team. We’re two teams coming together to fight a mutual threat. When all of this is over, there’s a good chance that I’ll kill most of you.”

“But there’s a small chance that you won’t?” You ask hopefully.

“Yeah, there’s a small chance we’ll all get married in some polygamous cult too,” Vriska smiles at you. “But I wouldn’t put money on it.”

“Well, I’ll take it.” You smile back. “Now, Caliborn or Lord English or whatever he calls himself has the scepter and our friends. How do we beat him?”

“Aradia managed to get the scepter away from him for a second,” Feferi pipes. “But I don’t think she knew how to use it. All it did was bring us here.”

“That’s pretty lucky!” Jade chirps. “If that scepter does what you say it does, then you could have been sent anywhere through all of space and time. There’s like… a one in a gazillion chance that you’d be sent here and now.”

“Well, luck just happens to be one of my specialties.” Vriska pats her jeans pocket, where her signature dice undoubtedly rest. “I still think that if we got that scepter into some _capable_ hands that we’d be able to bring him down. He’s too strong to face head-on otherwise.”

Wrestling Lord English for this magic scepter sounds extremely dangerous, not to mention the risk involved for when you actually _get_ the magic stick. Who knows what could happen when someone else touches it?  Everyone could end up scattered between dimensions, or the universe could blow up, or a hundred horrible other things that you can’t even begin to fathom. There has to be some other plan.

“What about Calliope?” You ask. “That’s Caliborn’s sister who lives in his head. Maybe we could get her to take control of his body?”

“We spent quite a bit of time around that freak and we never once saw any sign that there was someone else living in his head. As cute of an idea as that is, we need something a little more substantial.”

“Like what?” Jade asks. “Apparently he’s too strong to kill.”

“Killing him would probably only inconvenience him if anything. He can jump into and out of the void at will. That’s how he found us in the first place.”

“Well, this just seems more and more hopeless with everything that comes out of your mouth.” Terezi folds herself up, pulling her knees up to her chest. “We can’t fight a lord of time and space with just _us_. We need like a… like a wizard or something.”

“The white king!” Jade blurts suddenly. Everyone looks to her, with the exception of Gamzee, who is now dozing quietly in the dirt nearby. Your ecto-sister’s eyes glow with excitement. “Here me out guys. Jack Noir was the black king, right? So that means that there must be a _white_ king, with his own ring of power, that could totally kick Caliborn’s ass!”

“The White King lives in the heart of Skaia, past the seven gates, dumbass.” Vriska shakes her head. “It’s impossible to get there without _all_ the players completing their quests, which I seriously doubt that you can do before Caliborn kills us all.”

“Jack Noir came for us though.” You point out. “He made it through the seven gates so that he could kill us without completing any quests, right?”

“Yeah, but that’s because he’s a dirty cheater and his whole kingdom was destroyed because of it. Him, the black queen, all his imp servants were exiled here.” Vriska gestures around the green hills. “Jegus, don’t you know anything, Egbert?”

“No.” You admit sadly.

“Well it’s still a better plan that anything you’ve had so far.” Jade snaps at Vriska. “And it’s something to work towards other than just sitting on our asses and doing nothing.”

“You don’t think I have good ideas?” Vriska laughs shrilly. “How about this one, dog-girl. Instead of running around, completing all of your pointless quests, why don’t we find Jack Noir and _force_ him to take us through the seven gates.”

Everyone is silent for a moment as they process her words. You look to Jade, who meets your gaze, but looks just as unsure as you feel. When you turn to Vriska, she meets your gaze confidently, apparently sure that she’s just figured out some kind of loophole to your otherwise cataclysmic problem.

It’s not just the absurdity of the idea that gives you trouble, because yeah, going to Jack Noir for help seems like an irrefutable impossibility, but there’s also the fact that you aren’t a hundred percent sure if you can even trust Vriska or not. She could turn and kill you at any moment…

You look at her from across your circle. She’s giving you that look again, sort of like the one she always used to give you before some sexy hot, smexy sex was initiated. You know the one. That type of look that clearly says: _“I’ve won.”_

“Alright.” You nod, then start again with a firmer voice: “Alright, that’s not that bad of a plan. It’s a start at least. Here’s what we’re going to do. As soon as Rose gets back with the rest, we’re going back to LOWAS.”

“Why?” Feferi quirks her head in confusion. “Jack Noir wouldn’t be there, right? Isn’t that where you just came from?”

“Dave is there with a bunch of gangsters that work for Lord English.” You explain. “We need to tell him that Caliborn and Lord English are the same person. He and Bro aren’t really safe there anymore.”

“Ugh. Dave’s are so lame and useless, John.” Vriska groans. “Do we have to go back there?”

“Yes.” Jade answers for you. “Yes we do.”

* * *

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are once again Jane Crocker. In the desert, you can’t remember your name.

Cos there ain’t no one to give you no name!

“This land fucking sucks.” You can’t help but complain, as you kick a grey rock across the ground. The Land of Crypts and Helium _does_ suck major dong. Everything appears to be dead, the trees, the grass, the consorts, even the suns themselves seem to be dulled. “At least Roxy’s was a little pretty.”

“Oh don’t feel so bad.” Roxy replies cheerily from you side. “The balloons are still pretty cool, huh?”

“Eh.” You look up at the balloons that drift lazily above, the only source of color in your otherwise drab land.  A sudden thought strikes you. “Hey, Rose. What if we flew in one of the balloons to save time? That’d be something.”

Rose, who has been valiantly plowing a course ahead until now, turns back to look at you. Her mouth is drawn up in a thin line, giving you the impression that she really isn’t in the mood for bullshit of any variety.

“I doubt that the balloons come equipped with any type of steering system, they’re much too large for us to control efficiently, and since John is not here, I doubt the wind will be of any use to us.” Rose turns around once more. “We’re better off walking.”

 _‘Sheesh. Snippy much?’_ You want to say, but don’t because that might come off as aggressive and you really don’t feel like dealing with that right now.

Following Rose, you, Roxy, Jake, and Dirk make your way through the barren, LOCAH landscape. There are no skeletons, thank god, but plenty of crevices and cracks in the ground that you’re forced to skirt around. Peeking into one of the chasms proves that the underground is just as boring as the surface, shrouded in darkness and mystery.

You want to shine a light into the hole to see if there’s anything worthwhile, but Rose has already marched thirty yards ahead at this point and you don’t want to fall behind.

Some leader you are.

“So what’s the deal with that rude alien lass?” Jake asks Rose eventually. “She’s the one that offed me, right? Is _anyone_ going to say anything about that?

“Her and John have a history.” Rose explains curtly. “With the way things are going now, it appears that John is willing to give Vriska a pass on that one if she helps us out. Although if she had killed you anywhere else besides your quest bed, then it would probably be a different story.”

“So it’s okay to kill people as long as you’re buddy-buddy with the right people.” Dirk shakes his head. “It’s funny how things work around here. Sort of reminds me of home.”

“Jake is alive and honestly, better than ever.” Rose responds coolly. “As horrible as it seems, Vriska’s rash actions were a little more beneficial than damaging. The way things ‘ _work’_ around here,” Rose uses air quotes. “Sort of depends on the situation. It’s funny some of the things you have to deal with when you’re fighting to save all of existence.”

Dirk just shakes his head again and exchanges a look with Jake, who just shrugs in response and then shivers in his underwear again.

“Hmmmm. Vriska.” Roxy repeats the name. “I’ve heard that before. This troll I met when I was dead told me to tell her something.”

Well this news to everyone.

“You met a troll when you died?” Rose asks curiously. “What did they look like?”

“Well he had big horns like this.” Roxy holds her arms out to either side of her head, imitating a bull with over-sized horns. “And he had two wooden peg legs, that too. Also he was being beaten up by a group of Dave’s.”

“Roxy, what the hell are you talking about.” Dirk sighs, exasperated. “That literally makes absolutely zero sense.”

“Actually it does make a little sense.” Rose says. “Due to some past machinations, Dave cloned himself repeatedly. All of the clones died and, according to John, ended up in the Void.”

“What’s the void?” You ask.

“It’s sort of like a graveyard where players go when they die. There, they exist outside of time and space, and can be often be resurrected through a variety of means.”

“So… If we get sent to the void we can just come back? Like, we never really die?”

“Well, there’s always a chance that you’ll never be resurrected and trapped there for all eternity.” Rose points out. “And if you die while you’re in the void, well… No one really knows what happens then.”

As Rose explains the finer details of the game, your group approaches a clump of grey boulders. Unbeknownst to you, your inner compass has gradually shifted you off course to this location. The boulders are carefully stacked around an elegantly carved archway, an entrance to the crypts below the land’s surface.

On your walk through LOCAH, you’ve seen a few archways like this, but have yet to explore any of them for fear of running into another horde of murderous skeletons. However, this one feels different in your gut, giving you the strong inclination that your quest bed lies within.

“I think this is where we’re supposed to go.” You peer into the darkness of the crypt. “What do you think, Rose?”

The seer of light presses a finger to her temple and concentrates for a moment. You and everyone else wait patiently as she work her guiding magic. Beneath her closed eyelids, her eyes spin wildly. A vein pulses in her temple and when she opens her eyes, pupils are wide with fear.

“Something’s wrong.” She gasps. “Something terrible is about to happen and soon.”

Everyone looks at her with confusion.

“You already said that.” Roxy points out. “What’s up? Did you see something new?”

“I saw a lot of blood. I know that something awful is going to happen soon. We have to get back to the others, come on.” Seizing Roxy by the wrist, Rose tries to tug her back the way you’ve come.

“Rose, hold up.” Dirk tries to placate her. “We can’t just turn back because you get a bad feeling. Jane’s quest bed is probably right inside this crypt.”

“Then take her to it.” Rose commands. “A major threat is coming soon, I can feel it.” She holds a hand over her chest for emphasis. “And it has something to do with our friends. I need to go back to them.”

“Well, how about this: Jake and I go back with you, while Dirk and Jane explore this crypt.” Roxy offers. “If something bad really _is_ about to happen, then you’ll need all the help you can get.”

Dirk turns to you.

“You alright with this?” He asks.

“Well…” You aren’t really sure. “I guess. You and I will probably be fine in this crypt, but the others…”

“We can’t discuss this further.” Rose has already drawn her wands. “I advise that you find your quest bed and then meet up with us at the LOMAX border.”

“Alright. Go on” With her mind already made up, you wave her away. “What are you waiting for? If you’re right about this then go, go.”

Rose turns on her heel and runs away then, with Roxy and Jake quick on her heels, leaving you and Dirk outside of the crypt.

Dirk draws his sword.

“Come on, Crocker.” He says as he leads the way into the crypt. “Let’s get this over with.”

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently experiencing horrible twinges of fear in your gut as you run flat-out across the LOCAH wastes. The moment that you had tapped into your hero of light abilities, you’d foreseen a bright red flag of danger pointing you in the opposite direction of the crypt, back towards your friends in LOMAX.

Leaving Jane and Dirk to find the quest bed alone probably wasn’t a brilliant idea, but it was an efficient one. Whatever danger that looms ahead will be out of their path and hopefully, most probably, they will be able to find her quest bed with no problems at all.

As you run, with Roxy and Jake close behind, you see the LOMAX border quickly approaching. The rest of the group is there, sitting in a circle and talking amongst themselves seemingly without a care in the world.

John sees you approach and climbs to his feet.

“Rose?” His face twists with confusion. “What’s going on? Where’s- oof!”

You run right into his chest and he catches you sloppily by the arms.

“Rose, hey.” He holds you up as you gasp for air. “What’s wrong?”

You try to catch your breath, but your lungs are burning at the speed at which you’d ran. For the moment, you cling to his shirt and take heavy breaths while everyone stares with confusion.

John’s question rings in your head. What is wrong? There aren’t any fires or floods or sudden deaths. You’d expected to find the group in the middle of an intense battle or with Lord English himself just coming over the hill top. Instead, there’s nothing.

You’re about to chalk your little freak-out up to nerves, until you see it.

A gigantic plume of smoke rises in the distance, discoloring the sky with a brilliant red flame. You hear it a second later, a super-sonic _boom_ that rattles the teeth in your mouth.

Everyone jumps to their feet and Jade shouts.

“That’s from LOWAS.” She points. “John, the tower…”

John looks from the plume of smoke, rising steadily into the air, down to you and your heaving chest, and then finally to Jade. He makes the connection in his head.

“Let’s go.” He says, gripping you tightly.

Everyone, even Vriska and her troll crew, come together around Jade. She holds up her hands, focuses on LOWAS, and the Felt Tower specifically, then teleports all of you there.

Lord English is here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	69. ACT 7 - PART 8

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. Good thing too. You’ve finally been reunited with your Bro.

You casually, without so much of an ounce of panic at all, roam the halls of Felt Tower looking for that pointed-shaded asshole. When you’d woken up, in the corner of Bro’s bedroom which was designated as yours, you’d found his bed to be empty and neigh a note left in his place.

Fucking prick. What kind of solid bro disappears like that?

One completely un-solid, a jelly-being like flubber or Meltman, the amazing super hero with the astonishing ability to _melt_. That’s who.

You’re no stranger to Bro disappearing on you like this. Back on earth, you could for days without seeing head or tail of him as he pulled some sort of crazy ninja shit. Surely he wouldn’t be crazy enough to pull some sort of stunt like that now, after you abandoned your friends for him and everything. Right?

You walk, without the tiniest sliver of urgency, down the hallway, systematically peering through any doorway that you happen to pass. More than once, you open a door to find a group of Felt gangsters sitting around a table playing cards, or sewing, or having a push-up contest, or throwing some kind of birthday party. Every time, the gangsters stop whatever they’re doing look at you with a death-glare.

And every time, you back away and slowly close the door behind you. Apparently in the few days that you’ve been here they haven’t forgotten what you and Dirk did to their friends. Hell, the only reason they haven’t chopped you up and baked you into some kind of murder pie, is because Bro won’t let them.

You really need to find that asshole.

“Yo, Bro. Where the hell…” You open another doorway and freeze in your tracks.

This room is much darker than the rest, with windows covered in heavy drapes and only a single candle on a nightstand for illumination. On a stool in front of an elegant vanity, sits a women with skin as dark as midnight and eyes like snow. A wide-brimmed hat sits on her weird, perfectly-rounded head and a dress of flowing silk pools on the floor around her feet.

“Uh…” You had no idea that any of the gangsters were women. “Sup?”

She simply glares at you and waves her hand. As if pushed by an invisible hand, the door slams shut, cracking against your nose and causing you to stumble back into the hall.

You rub your nose angrily and stalk down the hallway once more, infuriated more than ever with your current situation. If that bitch didn’t want to be disturbed then she should have locked her god-damn door. You can’t be expected to knock before opening _every_ door you try and open. That’s just completely unreasonable!

God fucking shit, you hate this place, you hate the Felt, you hate your Bro for fucking hiding, and most of all you hate yourself for just being so god-damn stupid that…

“Yo.” Bro appears, leaning casually against the wall in front of you.

“Sup.” You stride past him, shaking with barely-suppressed rage and a desire to come off as not giving a shit.

“Were you looking for me?”

“No.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah, I’m fucking sure.”

He follows you down the hall, up a set of stairs, and all the way back to his bedroom. The room is a fucking mess, covered with dirty clothes and stupid, sexy puppets. A mini-fridge that has never been plugged in holds over a hundred ninja swords and five bottles of apple juice. You take one of the AJ’s and struggle to twist off the cap as Bro stands there and watches.

“What’s on your mind, little man?” He asks.

“Nothing. My mind is a blank slate,” You continue to wrestle with the bottle. “Imagine a chess board except with no pieces and all the black spaces are covered with white-out. That’s my fucking mind right now.”

Bro throws himself onto the bed, somehow landing with a solid _whump_ but failing to dislodge so much as a single smuppet from the impressive mountain stacked near the headboard. He simply watches in silence as you grow more and more enraged at the defensive measures in place to prevent access to the golden nectar inside of this bottle.

Shit’s like For Knox wrapped in barbed wire and frozen inside a block of adamantium.

“Do you miss your friends?”

You hand slips and the AJ falls to the floor, bursting open on impact and soaking your shoes in sugary goodness.

“Fuck a duck!” You growl and kick the empty bottle as hard as you can.

It bounces off the wall and flies straight at Bro’s head, but he snatches it out of the air easily before it even gets close to hitting him.

“Be cool, man.” He warns.

“I’m cool.” You brush your sweaty bangs off your forehead. “I’m cool.” You swallow hard. Fuck, you were really thirsty, but there’s no way in hell that you’re going to try to open a fresh bottle. Only a punk bitch unlike you would do that. You change the subject. “Heh. What’s up with that one gangster gal who lives in the dungeon? She’s pretty crazy. Haha.”

“That’s Snowman.” Bro explains, letting your change in subject just slide by, although he does crook his head to look at you curiously. “She’s an exile.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Well,” Bro leans back on his pile of smuppets, causing them to let out a very unsavory _squueeaak_ that causes your insides to squirm. “When Jack Noir cheated his way through the seven gates, the black empire and all of it’s members were exiled. The Felt took her in. She’s alright, as long as you give her space.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“You learn stuff when you’re sitting on your ass, taking up space, and doing nothing worthwhile.” Bro flashes away and then reappears with a stack of magazines by his side. He idly flips through one. “I’m sure that you’ll start learning all sorts of important stuff soon enough.”

“Psshh. Yeah.” You sink down to the floor in your corner. “I dunno about that. I’ve done nothing but sit on my ass for days… I’m such a fucking idiot…”

“Yeah.” Bro drops his magazine and fixes his gaze upon you. “But that’s just a part of your genes. Don’t feel too bad.”

“We should go out.” You blurt before you can stop yourself. “I mean, like on a run. We could check out some castles or something and look for supplies or whatever.”

“Or maybe drift over to the new lands and bump into your friends.” Bro smirks. “Don’t try to bullshit me, Dave. I get what you’re feeling, but you’ve made your bed, now you gotta lie in it. I’m not leaving this tower either. So, sorry.”

He disappears behind his magazine again and you simply sit on the ground and stare at the floor.

Jade probably hates you for leaving without saying goodbye. Even if you did see her again, all you’d probably get is a punch straight to the nose and a cold _‘don’t you ever talk to me again!’_ to the heart. John probably wouldn’t want you there either, after the way you treated him.

You don’t know how long you just sit there stewing, but it must be a while because Bro suddenly clears his throat.

“Uh. Hey, man. I almost forgot.” He rolls to the side of the bed and tugs out a cardboard box from beneath the mattress. “I had Stitch make this for you.”

He tosses the box to you and you catch it. You suppose that _Stitch_ is one of the gangsters, but you really don’t care. Any gift that Bro could have gotten you is nothing compared to the amount of guilt you feel- HOLY SHIT IT’S YOUR GOD TIER OUTFIT.

“Dude.” You can’t contain your unmitigated surprise at seeing such a radical and surprising gift. Pulling it out of the box, you examine the fine red cloth against the light. “This is too awesome. How did you know?”

“How did I know?” Bro chuckles. “Jesus, this isn’t a fucking Family Matters christmas special where Mr. Winslow gives Mrs. Winslow the _perfect_ gift. Just take the clothes and stop ogling me like that.”

“I’m gonna put this shit on.”

“Fuck! Don’t change in here, homoking. Go out in the hall and flash your hairless chest at some other unlucky, innocent bystander.”

“Close your eyes if you’re going to be a punk bitch.” You snap back, albeit with a smirk. You throw your cape over your shoulders and feel the unfamiliar weight settle there once more.

Flashes of the past race through your mind. Jade, slowly bleeding to death in your arms, you and John fighting your way through a horde of imps to reach Jack Noir’s castle, Bro dueling with Rose and John on the Scratch.

You tug at the collar of your god tier shirt, suddenly very hot. Regardless…

“Thanks, Bro.” You give him a nod. “I appreciate this.”

“Least I could do.” Bro shrugs, as his watch gives a loud _beep_. He checks it. “Looks like Crowbar is calling a meeting. Something big apparently. You wanna come?”

“Sure.” You don’t plan on letting Bro out of your sights again anytime soon and besides, these assholes might actually have something worthwhile to say.

You, in your sweet new/old god tier digs, follow Bro from his room and down through the tower once more. Stepping out the front gates and into the LOWAS wilderness, you find that the whole of the remaining Felt crew are assembled outside, even Snowman.

“What’s the deal, Crowbar?” Bro asks, tapping his watch. “Your message seemed hella urgent.”

“It is.” Crowbar growls back. He reaches into his coat pocket and produces a pair of hats. “Put these on. The boss says that he’ll be here soon.”

“The boss. As in Lord English?”

“Of course. Who else, Pointy?” Crowbar tosses you a hat.

It’s white, with a red stripe across the top and a number twelve stitched onto the front. It doesn’t really go with your outfit, but why the fuck not.

When in Rome…

“Just play it cool.” Bro leans in close as the wind starts to pick up around you. “I don’t know much about this Lord English guy, but he’s supposed to be hard as tits. Just follow my lead, alright?”

Bro replaces his usual cap with the one Crowbar gave him as the wind really kicks it into high gear. You’re starting to wonder if Lord English is going to come in riding a tornado, which would be fucking sweet, until a red portal blossoms into existence before the assembled crowd. It swirls for a moment before expelling a group of alien beings.

Caliborn stands before you, with his billiard ball eyes and swirling over cloak. In his outstretched hand, he holds Eridan Ampora, and by his side stands the mind controlled Karkat and Kanaya. Every Felt member let’s out a mighty cheer.

You are frozen in place, staring with horror and realization at the monster you’re supposed to be working for.

This isn’t going to be good.

Caliborn, or you guess it’s Lord English now, looks over his crew, smiling viciously. It takes all of five seconds for his gaze to fall upon you.

He smile grows in viciousness.

“Well I’ll be damned.”He drops Eridan to the ground in a heap and draws his scepter from within his cloak.

You leap forward, drawing your sword in the process. Bro screams _‘No!’_ but you don’t listen to him. Caliborn is standing right there, smiling, alive, and probably about to kill you. But there’s no chance in hell that you’re going down without a fight.

He blocks your first sword swing.

“Stand back!” He commands to his minions and gangsters alike.  His eyes flash at you. “Allow me to handle this one.”

You swing at him again and he blocks it once more before lashing out with impossible speed and grabbing you around the throat with his powerful fingers. He lifts you into the air and waves you triumphantly like some sort of flag.

“A survivor!” He proclaims loudly for the gangsters to hear. “Of my first conquest. Tell me, human. How did you escape death the first time?”

You swing your sword wildly, trying to hit any part of him that you can reach, but it’s futile.

“Give up.” The lord continues. “Your feeble attacks are nothing and neither are your time travel abilities.” He raises his golden scepter, poised to strike you across the head. “I have made sure of that already.”

So he’s the reason your timetables explode whenever you try to use them. What an asshole. Lord English brings his scepter down upon you, Bro leaps forward with his own sword flashing, and you do the only thing that you can think of.

You twirl your hands, summon your turntables, and watch as they explode in a gigantic plume of flame.

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are now Jade Harley. There’s a war inside in your mind.

As you teleport your whole group, minus Jane and Dirk, back to Felt Tower, you find yourself divided into two parts. Half of you wants to find the tower standing in one peace, with Dave still inside safe and sound. The other half wants some major shit to be going down, that way you can save Dave’s life and get him to join your team again!

When the world snaps back into focus with a flash of green, you instantly regret wishing for the latter.

All around you, in varying stages of confusion and pain, lie a collection of strange people. The Felt gagsters, Dave and his Bro, Karkat, Kanaya, and Eridan are all piled atop of one another in heaps or scattered across the yard. In the very center of it all, completely unscathed stands Lord English/Caliborn himself.

For a moment, everything is silent, as your group stares at Lord English and the carnage around you.

“Jade!” Dave’s voice breaks the silence. He staggers to his feet. “What the hell are you guys doing here? Run!”

 “There is no running.” Lord English bellows before you, or anyone else for that matter, can answer. The gangsters all climb to their feet and stand by their master’s side. “The end is already here and I am grateful that you’ve all come to die.”

“We aren’t here to die!” John takes a step forward. “We’re here to save our friends and kick your ass!”

“That’s extremely doubtful.” Lord English raises his scepter and points it towards your group. “As curious as I am to know how you escaped the meteor, I’d rather not prolong the inevitable anymore. Goodbye.”

His scepter glows with red magic and you quickly try to calculate how many of your friends you can teleport away before you’re obliterated. However, before you can set your plan into motion, Bro Strider leaps forward and swings his sword with apparently all of his impressive might. His blade meets Lord English’s scepter with a deafening _clang_ and skews it’s aim slightly, causing the powerful blast of magic to surge over your head and explode harmlessly in the distance.

“I’ve spent a long time taking orders from evil dudes.” Bro growls as he faces off with Lord English. “But this is the last straw. Prepare to be super murdered, asshole.”

Lord English groans and pinches the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

“You want to do this?” He demands. “Fine. Fucking fine!” He raises his scepter again. “Attack my minions!”

The Felt and Eridan charge towards your group as Lord English and Bro begin to duel. You’d like to watch those two ultimate badasses face off in a god-like battle, but find yourself otherwise preoccupied.

All hell is currently breaking loose.

**STRIFE!**

Your group clashes with Lord English’s forces in an explosions of shouts, curses, gunshots, and literal explosions. Vriska hacks with her sword, John bashes with his hammer, Rose fires magical spells, and you blast holes in anyone silly enough to stray too close to you.

There’s no time to fool around, you have to get through these guys and to Lord English. As long as he’s still standing, everyone in the universe, including all of your loved ones, are in grave danger.

A pair of large hands grab you from behind and lift you into the air, tossing you away like a ragdoll. You reconnect with the ground, losing your grip on your rifle in the process and skidding into perfectly-placed puddle of oil. You look up to see one of the larger gangsters bearing down on you, with his large hands raised to grapple with you again.

You scramble to your feet, slipping in the oil like an idiot, but before you can either attempt fight or flight. The looming gangster lets out a pained yell as Gamzee leaps out of nowhere, grabs him by the ears, and twists his head counter-clockwise, snapping his neck.

“Yeah, motherfuckers! Necks are for suckers!” Gamzee foams at the mouth as he shouts.

“Dude, look out!” Your warning is a fraction too late.

While Gamzee is distracted, another gangster, this time wielding a chain gun, turns him into swiss cheese, literally ripping him apart with a brutal barrage of bullets. Looking through your fingers, you focus on the gangster and teleport him backwards three feet onto Vriska’s waiting sword.

Gamzee falls to the ground, spewing blood every which way.

“Get your ass up, human.” Vriska slides the dead gangster off the end of her sword. “You can mourn that idiot later, after we’ve cleaned up here.”

“That idiot saved my life.” You reclaim your rifle and quickly reload it. “Where’s Dave. Have you seen him?”

Vriska points with her sword over the mass of fighters to where Bro and Dave and taking on Lord English side by side. They’re a pretty effective fighting team, but Lord English is much bigger and stronger. They need help.

“Cover me.” You say to Vriska before looking through your fingers.

“I can’t cover you with a sword…” she begins, but the rest of her words are lost when you teleport to Dave’s side and pull him out of the way of one of Lord English’s massive fists.

“Dammit Jade!” Dave tugs his cape out of your grip. “Get the hell out of here! It’s so dangerous I can’t even describe…” He ducks another swing by Lord English. “How dangerous it is.”

“I’m not leaving! It’s just as dangerous for you…” You teleport to the left, avoiding a magical bolt of electricity. “As it is for me! You need my help!”

“In any other situation I would be really happy to see you.” Dave takes a swing at Lord English, but his swipe glances off the monster’s arm harmlessly. “But you could die here.”

“We could all die here!” You put six bullets right between Lord English’s eyes, but he shrugs them off like they’re nothing more than spitballs. “I’m staying to help you, end of discussion!”

No sooner are the words out of your mouth, then you’re blind-sided by a powerful back-handed slap. For the second time today, you’re lifted off of your feet and tossed bodily through the air. Instead of landing somewhat comfortably in a patch of oil though, you collide painfully with the wall of Felt Tower.

Stars dance across your vision as you slump to the ground, but you refuse to give into the black already pooling at the edges of your vision. That hurt _a lot_.

Dave yells in rage and hits Lord English over and over with his sword, but every strike goes ignored. Lord English raises his scepter once more and points it towards you, charging up another blast of magical energy that will most definitely put an end to your awesome life if you don’t get moving.

Crawling on your hands and knees, you try to get out of the way, but you’re much too slow. Bro tries again to deflect the attack, and actually manages to hit the scepter once more with his sword, sending the magical bolt careening off course again.

You watch the beam fly over head and explode against the side of Felt Tower. Hope flares in your chest at the possibility that you might actually get out of this one. Then you’re cast into shadow as Felt Tower tips over and falls on top of you, crushing you under it’s impressive collection of heavy, green bricks.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde.

You are now Rose Lalonde

You are currently in the process of burning several Felt gangsters to a crisp with a fire spell. It’s a little disturbing to watch your foes writhe and waste away right before you, and you’ll probably spend the rest of your days haunted by the sight, but in all honesty, you’re fine with putting off your second thoughts and misgivings for later.

Terezi fights by your side, poking with her cane sword and cackling with pleasure. This is probably the best fight she’s ever been in, on account of nearly all of your foes consisting of lime-scented clothing and skin.

Somewhere, outside of your little sphere of concern, there’s a loud _boom_ followed by the crumbling of many rocks grinding against one another. You turn to watch a plume of dust erupt from where Felt Tower once stood. Someone must have knocked it down.

“JAAAAADDE!!!” Dave screams faintly.

Worry about it later. Worry about it later.

You fire another spell directly into an approaching gangster’s face, turning his green skin black with the intense heat.

Worry about it later.

Through the mass of fighting bodies, you see Feferi take a crowbar to the back of the head and fall to the ground. John rushes to her aid, and after dismissing the offending gangster with a gust of wind, tries to rouse her. She does not move.

Worry about it later. Focus on the now. Get out of this alive.

A gangster lunges at you, but you quickly side-step out of the way and allow him to pass by…

You see him then, through the scuffling mass of limbs and weapons. Eridan Ampora twirls his wand and takes a cheap shot at Roxy as she’s bare-knuckle boxes a gagster twice her size. The spell misses her by inches and disappears into the sky to explode in a flash of red.

Your blood boils as you race towards him, fueled by an unstoppable desire to rip him limb from limb. He must sense your approach, because he turns at the last second and lets out a shrill scream as you plow into him. You’re no footballer, but there’s enough forward momentum behind your tackle for you to wrestle him to the ground.

“Ugh. Get off of me, bitch!” He snarls, trying to slap at your face. “Don’t touch me!”

You bring your fist back and drive it down as hard as you can into his nose. The twin jets of purple blood that shoot from his nostrils are satisfying, but not nearly as much so as the sharp _crack_ that results from your second punch.

His struggles, already laughable in most situations, grow weaker with every strike. You don’t stop. You don’t care about magic or spells or anything. You just keep hitting him over and over again, alternating between fists when one begins to ache painfully, until finally…

“Rose!” John’s arms wrap around your middle.

“No!” You fight him too. “No! Get off!”

“Rose stop!”

“Let go of me!” You throw an elbow backwards and John takes it, refusing to release his grip.

“You got him! You got him.” He chants in your ear. “You got him.”

“No! Not yet! He’ll come back. He always does!”

“Not this time.” John runs a quick hand through your hair and like a switch, the red haze begins to rise.

You stare at Eridan, covered in blood and completely motionless, as John drags you backwards. You don’t know how long you were fighting Eridan, or even if that constitutes as a full fight, but all around you the battle with the Felt rages on.

“John.” You reach back and take a fistful of his collar. “I’m alright. Let me go.”

“I’m just going to get you out of the way.”

“I’m fine. Don’t be scared.” You don’t know when you started crying, but you’ve just now realized that tears are streaming down your cheeks with the same flow as a moderately sized river. “John, don’t be scared of me.”

“I’m not. I swear I’m not.” He deposits you on the hill over-looking the battle.

 From here, you can see the collapsed tower, the duel between Lord English and the Striders, and the corpses of those who have fallen. You count five felt and two trolls. There’s probably more.

“Stay here.” John commands, gripping your shoulder firmly. “I’ve got to help the others. Just- Just stay here and stay safe.”

With a flurry of wind, he’s gone once more and you are alone. He probably got really freaked out seeing you like that, in full murder mode. He shouldn’t be scared of you, not any more.

He’s seen worse after all. He’s seen _you_ at your worst.

You decide to worry about it later.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means it’s time to put an end to this.

Flying away from the hilltop where you left Rose, you descend upon the mob of combatants and land right in the heart of the fray. From your count, there must be about half a dozen gangsters left, with most of your friends intact, save for Gamzee and Feferi.

Through the brawl, you can see Terezi facing off against Crowbar and Vriska fighting some woman that you don’t recognize, wielding a very deadly-looking lance. You trust them to take care of themselves, at least for the time being. You know that none of this is going to stop as long as Lord English is still standing.

“John!” Roxy, a little frazzled and wide-eyed, rushes towards you. “Are you alright? Where’s Rose?”

“Rose is up on the hill.” You knock an approaching gangster away with a gust of wind. “How are you holding up?”

“Could be worse, I guess.” She quickly turns and punches another gangster in the face, knocking him away. “My rifle ran out of ammo pretty quickly, but you’d be surprised just how easy it is to just punch these guys!”

“Maybe you’re just really strong.”

“Oh yeah. Heavy-weight Lalonde. That’s me.” She grins. “No wait. That makes me sound fat…”

“Where’s Jade?” You grab Roxy’s arm and tug her out of the way of a tomahawk. It whizzes by her head harmlessly and strikes an unsuspecting gangster in the back.

“Last I saw she was going to help Dave fight Lord English.” Roxy quickly scans the crowd. “Why? Do you need her?”

“I was hoping she could use her space powers to teleport Lord English into a black hole or something.” You call upon the breeze once more and lift off the ground. “I guess we’ll have to do this the old fashion way though.”

“You’re not going to fight him, are you?”

“This won’t stop until I do and,” You look over to where Bro and Dave are still furiously battling Lord English. “I need to help my friend.”

“Well then what are we waiting for?!” Roxy hops up and grabs you roughly around the neck. “Let’s get over there.”

“Rose won’t like this.”

“She isn’t my keeper. Also, I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t like anything. Besides you, of course.” She pats you on the chest with her free arm. “She totally likes you.”

“That’s good to hear.” You chuckle, despite the situation at hand. “Uh, just… try not to die, okay?”

“That’s at the top of my list, Johnny.”

You carry Roxy over towards Lord English and touch down to the ground again by Dave’s side. Your friend is covered in dirt and leaning on his sword, as he breathes heavily. Bro and Lord English continue to grapple nearby.

“John.” He gasps.

“Surprised?” You release Roxy and take Dave by the arm. “I left Rose on that hill over there. She’s not hurt, I don’t think, but I need you to go watch her back.”

“No. John.” Dave pulls away. “J-Jade. She…”

With a mighty roar, Lord English grabs Bro and throws him into the air. The elder Strider falls at your feet in a heap and then Lord English sets his sights on you.

“John Egbert!” He laughs. “I forgot to mention how good it is to see you again. Without you, none of this would be possible.”

“ _This_?!” You shout at him, as Roxy helps Bro to his feet. “All this fighting and death? Is this what you want?!”

“Yeah.”

“Well fuck you, buddy! I would have never set you free if I knew that it’d come to this.” You raise your hammer and Roxy, Dave, and Bro ready themselves once more as well. “This ends now.”

“Yeah.” Lord English hefts his golden scepter. “I agree... Trolls!”

From behind Lord English appear Karkat and Kanaya, still mind-controlled and ready to put a major hurting on you. They march forward obediently. Karkat lurches on his faulty robotic leg and swings his scythes as Kanaya revs her chainsaw. If they were anyone else, you probably would have already bowled them over with a gust of wind, but you aren’t about to hurt your friends.

“Deal with them.” Bro commands as he rushes forward and leaps into the air. Kanaya takes a swipe at him, but misses as Bro flies overhead and engages Lord English once more.

That was badass. Let’s just hope you _can_ deal with Karkat and Kanaya.

“It’s the headbands.” You explain quickly to Dave and Roxy. “Just get them off of their heads and try not to hurt them, alright?”

“John.” Dave doesn’t appear to have heard you. “Jade is dead.”

“Jade is-“ You turn to him. “W-What?”

“Guys!” Roxy draws your attention back to Karkat and Kanaya, who are nearly upon you.

You push Dave’s words out of your head for the moment and charge at Kanaya. She swipes at you with her chainsaw and you hear the spinning blade _buzz_ past your ear, raising goosebumps on your neck. Grabbing her by the middle, you sling her to the ground and do your best to pin her under your knee.

She fights back, clawing at you with her nails, going for your eyes and throat. Apparently Lord English’s order to kill you didn’t exclude fighting dirty. Somewhere in the background, you hear Dave and Roxy battling with Karkat.

“Shit! He just bit me!”

“Don’t put your hand in his mouth then!”

Kanaya grabs you by the collar and tugs hard, causing you to gag. You grab her by the horn with one hand and pin her head to the dirt as you wrestle with the band around her forehead with the other. You’ve almost gotten it off when she suddenly lurches upwards and jabs two stiff fingers into your jugular.

You gag again and fall to the side, pawing at your wounded neck. She’s on you in an instant, punching and scratching and doing everything in her considerable power to just beat the ever-living shit out of you. Kanaya grabs you by the front of your shirt and lifts you up before slamming you against the ground again.

Your head cracks against the dirt and you’re blinded by stars. Gasping for air, you reach up and weakly paw at her face, trying to find the headband. It’s hopeless though, you fumble your fingers through her hair as she continues her assault.

You’ve just begun cursing your rotten luck once again when you’re abruptly drenched in a large amount of some hot, wet, and sticky fluid. Fighting through the haze of pain and confusion, you look up to see that a hole the size of a baseball has just been blown through the side of Kanaya’s head.

She blinks once.

“John?”

Then she falls to the side, revealing  very distraught and jelly-legged Jake English behind her.

“I- I saw her.” Jake stammers, still holding his gun raised. “I saw her killing you, mate. I just…”

A blinding flash of red light burns your vision as it flies overhead, striking Jake in the chest and engulfing him in a ball of flame, killing him instantly.

“JAAAKE!” You reach out to him, as if you could possibly do anything to help.

Wheeling about in search of the source of the magical projectile, you find Lord English standing with his scepter raised. By his side, in a puddle of blood, lies Bro Strider with his own sword pinning him to the ground through his chest. He is also dead.

Kanaya, Jake, Bro… All taken in the blink of an eye. When you weren’t paying attention. Like it was nothing.

“It ends now.” Lord English walks calmly forward, spinning his still-smoking scepter lazily in his hand. “Once again, you’ve all been a glorious audience…”

“Calliope!” You’re grasping at straws. “Calliope, if you can hear me…”

“Fucking shit. Even that name is annoying.” Lord English wrinkles his nose, as if he’s just caught a whiff of a sour odor. “She’s gone, Egbert, gone from my head like she never existed in the first place.”

You disentangle yourself from Kanaya’s corpse and clamber to your feet. Lord English doesn’t stop you. He probably thinks that he’s already won.

Behind him, you can clearly see that Dave and Roxy have succeeded in removing the headband from Karkat’s head. Your troll friend is now lying, unconscious, and out of harm’s way by the collapsed tower. You watch as Dave and Roxy slowly advance on Lord English from behind.

“I don’t believe you!” You try to keep Lord English preoccupied to hopefully give Dave and Roxy the element of surprise. “Calliope can’t be gone. It doesn’t work like that.”

“Who the fuck are you to claim to know _‘how things work’_?!” He mocks you. “I have traveled every inch of your universe and beyond. I know the medium like the back of my hand. I possess unlimited power, thanks to you, and time travel abilities that have completely nullified those used by other heroes of time! And now,” He plunges a hand into his cloak and retrieves a small device about the size of a flash drive. “I have used technology from another dimension to change the laws of cherub nature itself!”

Fuck. This guy likes to talk.

“Roxy!” You call your hammer to your hand and, on a whim, throw it as hard as you can. Your hammer flies straight and true, knocking the flash drive out of Lord English’s outstretched fingers and sending it tumbling down into Roxy’s hands.

“Got it!” She cries triumphantly, catching the device. “Now, uh… what is it?”

Lord English lets out a roar of pure rage and brings his scepter down to strike Roxy on top of the head. A split second before he surely bashes her into a blood pulp, she lets out a frightened _‘aaah!’_ and… disappears.

Lord English’s scepter cracks the ground in two, exactly where Roxy was standing not a moment before.

“Where is it?!” Lord English bellows, scanning the ground. “WHERE DID SHE GO!?!?”

You have no earthly idea, but you’re not about to let him know that.

“Wouldn’t you like to know!” You bluff. Lord English now stands between you and Dave, optimum position for you to launch an attack. “She’s somewhere safe and far away and… where are you going?”

Lord English does not answer. Instead he raises his scepter, conjures a magical portal, and then disappears from sight, leaving you and Dave alone. You stand there in shock, just looking at the place where the hulking monster once stood.

“He’s going after Roxy.” You realize with a gasp. “Shit, Dave. She’s in trouble. We have to… Dave?”

Dave is not paying attention to you any longer. With Lord English gone, he stands over his brother, simply looking down at his impaled corpse in absolute silence.

You’re frozen in place. What are you supposed to do? Comfort him? Leave him alone?

There’s a mangled scream from somewhere behind you and you turn just in time to see Terezi pull her sword out of Crowbar’s chest. The gangster falls with the rest of the Felt, all of which now lie dead at the hands of your friends.

You won.

“Dave…” You turn back to your best friend to find that he has once again disappeared. Scanning the immediate area, you find him by the ruined tower, digging through the crumbled rocks and bricks, as if to reach something. “Dave, what are you doing?”

He pauses, just long enough to glance up at you, before going back to work.

“Jade is under here.” He mutters and you have to strain to hear it.

“Move.” With a quick wave of your arm, you shift away a lot of the smaller rocks, revealing the crumpled form of Jade Harley beneath. Without hesitation, Dave dives in and pulls her from the rubble. You swallow hard. “Uh… Do you think there’s a chance that…”

It’s like you aren’t even there at all. Dave hefts Jade into his arms bridal style and begins to run. He dashes up the hill and out of sight. You let him go for a number of reasons.

One: He’s probably taking her to her quest bed, hoping that by putting her there, she’ll come back. It’s a good idea, but you doubt that it’ll work, which leads you to reason number two…

Two: You don’t want to see his reaction when he realizes that she’s dead for good.

“John.”

You look down to see Karkat lying nearby. He looks incredibly dirty and unkempt, not to mention tired. Most of all though, he just looks sad. Karkat lies on the ground, face up, apparently too weak to lift his head to look around.

“John.” He says again. “What’s going on? What happened?”

You try to think of a good answer, but nothing really comes to mind. You can’t think of a single answer that could accurately describe how stupid and awful and lame this situation is.

“I’ll explain it later.” You kneel by his side and inspect him for injuries. Nothing appears to be bleeding or broken luckily. “I think you’re safe now, buddy.”

“Where’s Kanaya?” He asks as his eyes begin to roll backwards. “Terezi?”

He passes out then, luckily enough. You feel at his neck for a pulse and breathe sigh of relief when you’re assured that he’s still alive. Taking him under the arms, you drag him away from the collapsed tower, past Bro’s corpse, past Kanaya’s corpse, and past Jake’s corpse, towards the hill where you left Rose.

She waits for you there.

“Where’s Dave?” She asks. “I saw him run off.”

“He’s taking Jade to her quest bed.” You deposit Karkat gently on the ground. “She died. So did Jake and Bro and… and Kanaya died to.”

Rose’s mouth draws up into a thin line, as she looks you up and down. You’re still dripping warm green.

“Where?”

You point obediently down the hill towards where you last saw Kanaya. Rose takes a step but you catch her by the arm.

“I wouldn’t go look if I were you.” You admit. “It’s not pretty.”

Rose gently pries your fingers away and silently trudges down the hill to go inspect her dead girlfriend. You’re half-tempted to follow her, but that would entail looking at Kanaya again and you don’t feel very much like doing that at all.

Footsteps on the rocks draw your attention and you turn to see both Vriska and Terezi mounting the hill to join you. They’re both a little battered but otherwise okay. A small, amused twinge tickles you to see the two troll girls walking together, but the humor the situation is quickly smothered when you see that Vriska is roughly dragging someone.

“Thought you’d like to meet this one.” Vriska throws the mystery woman gangster to the ground at your feet, and then looks at you with her signature, pleased smirk. “Her name is Snowman. Does she look familiar to you?”

“Not really.”

“She’s the Black Queen, dumbass.”

Snowman shoots Vriska a furious glare and then turns her attention to you. Her eyes are milky white, as opposed to her midnight black skin, and her once resplendent dress is horribly crumpled.

“I am not the Black Queen.” She says, in a voice like crushed glass. “Not anymore.”

“You’re right about that sister.” Vriska kicks Snowman onto her side and then knocks her out with the handle of her sword. “Now you’re our prisoner.”

“Why?” You ask. You’re unable to look at Snowman without feeling a twinge of sympathy.

“Because, obviously she can lead us to Jack Noir, duh.” Vriska bops you on the head with the heel of her hand. “She’s the Black Queen, he’s the Black King. This is textbook stuff, Egbert.”

Terezi, who has been standing nearby, must catch a whiff of Karkat, because she suddenly throws herself to the ground at his side and begins shaking him. The leader of the trolls remains unconscious as he is all but abused by his Matesprit’s rough treatment.

“He’s alive!” She proclaims, after a moment of investigation. “Good job, Egbert. I thought for sure that you would have fucked this up too. Hehe.”

“Of course he didn’t fuck this up. I did train him to be the best, after all.” Vriska flicks her long hair over her shoulder. “Congrats, Egbert. I’m happy to add this strife to my incredibly long list of hard-won battles!”

“I don’t know if we won really.” You look over the battlefield, the destroyed tower, and the many corpses. “We lost a lot of people. Jade, Jake, Kanaya, Bro, and Feferi and Gamzee too.”

“Yeah, but none of those people really matter in the grand scheme of things!” Vriska throws her cold, robotic arm around your shoulder. “The A-Team is still here and that’s what matters in my eyes.”

At that moment, Rose returns. Her fingers and robes are smudged with green blood, but you pay it no mind. She looks between you and Vriska and lifts an eyebrow by an almost unperceivable degree, but voices no objection otherwise.

“I saw Lord English disappear earlier.” She speaks quickly, having apparently switched back into action mode. “Where did he go?”

“After Roxy.” You explain, sliding out from under Vriska’s arm. “We took this computer chip from Lord English and she teleported away with it. I think Lord English somehow downloaded Calliope out of his brain and stored it inside the chip.”

“I can see how he would want that back.” Rose muses. “What’s our next step?”

“We use this one,” Vriska answers, prodding Snowman with her toe. “To find Jack Noir. That’s our next step.”

“No.” You shake your head. “First we need to regroup with Dirk, Jane, and Dave. Also we need to find Roxy, wherever she went, before Lord English catches up with her.”

“We should bury our friends.” Rose adds.

“We don’t have time for that sentimental bullshit!” Terezi jumps in. “Now that we’ve got Karkat back, we need to floor the gas and end this game for real!”

“Karkat would want to put Kanaya to rest.”

“Well… yeah, but… we don’t have any shovels.”

“Sounds like you’re making up excuses.” Vriska taunts.

“Don’t you test me, bitch! I will _double_ murder you! Haha!” Terezi’s retort is accompanied with a manic laugh.

“Stop. Everyone just stop.” You drag a hand down your face. “Listen. We aren’t moving again until everyone is back together again. Rose, call Dirk and Jane and tell them to meet us here. Vriska, start moving the, uh… bodies up here so we can bury them. And Terezi, you should stay here and make sure that Karkat doesn’t- I dunno- disappear or something.”

“What are you going to do?” Rose asks.

You rub the back of your neck and exhale a heavy breath.

“I’ll go find Dave.”

**END OF ACT SEVEN.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry christmas everyone! I hope that you had/are having/will have a great holiday! 
> 
> So this is the end of act seven. I will start posting new chapters exactly one week from today, so on Dec 30th. The next act is the final act, if you don't count the short epilogue that will follow, and will be the end of John: Try to Understand. As I'm writing the ending now, I can already tell that those of you who actually care will either: Accept the ending for what it is, or completely dislike it. 
> 
> Regardless, thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	70. ACT 8 - PART 1

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. You’ve just escaped from Lord English with a priceless piece of treasure.

Well, maybe?

You don’t know for sure whether or not this flash drive you took has any kind of practical value, or if you have even escaped Lord English at all. Hell, you don’t even know where you are yet.

Everything is black. You are floating in an abyss of pure darkness, much too warm to be vastness of space and much more open than any cave you could have teleported to. Spinning in a slow circle, you try to spot any kind of familiar landmark in the inky blackness.

“Hey.”

The soft greeting might as well be the touch of an electric cattle prod for all the shit you flip. You turn wildly, searching for the source of the voice, and find yourself in the presence of a familiar face.

“Fuck, Jade. What the hell are you doing here? Don’t you know not to sneak up on someone when they’re floating in the abyss?”

“Sorry. Haha.” Jade smiles at you weakly. “I just saw you up here and thought I’d come talk to you. Are you… um, doing okay?”

“Yeah. I guess.” You eye Jade curiously. “Where are we?”

“The void.”

“The void? As in, the _void_ void? As in, we’re both dead?” You feel a heavy weight, approximately the size of an average bowling ball, settle on your chest. “Jade! What the fuck!? I didn’t die! I know I didn’t. Well, I’m pretty sure I didn’t… Oh my god!” A sudden thought strikes you. “You died… right?”

“Yeah.” Jade picks at her nails and chews her lip, although a smile still forces it’s way though. “Yeah I did. But don’t worry! I’m… okay, I guess. Haha. I mean, I’m okay with this.”

“You are?” You gesture vaguely around oblivion. “But there’s nothing here. You can’t be dead. _We_ can’t be dead. We still have fight Lord English! You need to smooch on Dave some more! We have to beat the game!”

“ _You_ aren’t dead, human.”

A new voice draws your attention and you turn from Jade to find yet more familiar _faces_ floating out of the darkness: Jake, Kanaya, and Tavros, the troll you met upon your earlier venture into the void.

“Jake!” You float over to your fellow alpha and give him a big ol’ hug. “I saw you save John! That was so brave and wonderful and then…” You hold him at arm’s length. “Oh, Jake. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. I guess you could say I got absolutely mullered back there. Haha.” He, like Jade, laughs a little anxiously. “I can’t say that I’m happy to see you here too, though. I thought for sure that you and everyone else would have gotten out of there in top form.”

“Didn’t you hear me?” Tavros pipes up, and then repeats. “You aren’t dead.”

“I’m not?” You ask, a tiny bit hopefully.

“No, you aren’t.”

The long-horned troll, who is still sporting his cool yet impractical wooden legs, floats right up to you and gently pokes you in the chestular region.

“Ew gross, dude. Fuck off.” You slap him away.

“What? No. I wasn’t- ugh. I was pointing to your god tier symbol!” He gestures to your breast again, more specifically the symbol embroidered upon it. “You’re a hero of void. I did a lot of research on that particular aspect when I was looking for a way to come back to life. You can manipulate the void and that includes popping in and out whenever you want.”

“So… If I were to die, then I could just come back to life, no problem?”

Tavros shrugs.

“I dunno.”

“You don’t know? I thought you did, and I quote: _a lot of research_. End quote.”

“You expect me to remember everything that I read? That was over a year ago! So much better-quality shit has happened since then.” Tavros grimaces. “Plus I got wrapped up in Vriska’s pirate scheme and all but forgot about my plan to escape.”

“Oh shit! Vriska! I forgot to deliver your message to her. I’ll do that when I come back to life, okay?” You look between all the dead players. “Or, I guess more accurately, when I figure out how to come back to life.”

“I don’t know if returning to the world of the living is advisable at the moment.” The once-evil troll, Kanaya, admits. “Lord English is most likely still waiting on the other side.”

“All the more reason to go back! I _have_ to help my friends.” You turn to Jade. “You know how to control your powers really well, right? You have to give me some tips. If I’m a hero of void, maybe I can open up a portal and bring all of you back with me.”

“Doesn’t work like that.” Tavros shakes his head. “Only the combined efforts of a hero of life and a hero of void can open up a portal to the after-life, and even then only temporarily. If you want my advice…”

“I don’t want _your_ advice, Peggy.” You snap. “You’ve already been vaguely helpful enough, thank you very much. I’m talking to Jade now.”

“Pssh.” Tavros folds his arms, but keeps his peace.

You turn back to Jade.

“You gotta throw me a bone, sister. And that’s not a dog joke, by the way. I legit need the help of an experienced professional.”

“I don’t know.” Jade frowns deeply. “Most of the time, when I’m using my space powers, I just focus really hard on what I want to do and why. Then it just sort of happens.”

“Alright, well…” You screw your eyes shut and begin to concentrate as hard as possible. “I want to come back to life so that I can help my friends.”

You maintain your composure for all of about five seconds before you give up.

“Shit!” You open your eyes to see that you’re still definitely in the void. “This is hopeless!”

“That was your first try.” Kanaya floats to your side. “More often than not, our powers are triggered by extremely dangerous situations. Perhaps you are not just receiving the right stimuli right now?”

“Perhaps.” You sigh. “It’s just that I think I _reeaaaally_ need to get this back to John.” You show them Lord English’s flash drive, which rests on the palm of your hand. “We took this from Lord English. Apparently it’s really important and has something to do with Calliope.”

Jade takes the flash drive and examines it closely.

“I’ve never seen anything like this.” She admits, and then passes it to Jake for him to look at as well. “If I had to take a wild guess though, Lord English probably used some type of device which only exists in an alternate dimension to forcibly remove Calliope’s consciousness from his mind, convert it to simple data, and then store it away in a memory chip.”

Welp. That’s a pretty thought-out answer for a _‘wild guess’_. It also explains Lord English’s gloating about Calliope to John as he brandished the flash drive in his face like some kind of trophy.

“I’d have to concur with that statement doctor. Haha.” Jake floats to your side and holds the flash drive/memory chip/consciousness container to your face. “See this PIN number here? This is CrockerCorp tech, Roxy.”

“Damn!” You snatch the chip out of his hand. Sure enough, emblazoned on the side is a CrockerCorp PIN number. “If you’re right about this, Jade, then I might be holding the key to defeating Lord English.” You clutch the chip a little tighter. “You know, if anyone could make use of this device, it’s probably Jane, or Dirk, or both. I have to get back to them now!”

“I must still advise against that.” Kanaya places a gentle hand on your shoulder. “Blindly exercising your powers could have dire consequences. You could hurt yourself or others.  Not to mention Lord English will probably stop at nothing to get this chip back. If you go back now, he will most definitely set all of his focus on you and you cannot risk losing your only advantage.”

“So what do you expect me to do?” You look around at the assembled group. “As fun as it would be to chill with you all, I can’t sit on my ass while our friends get beaten into a pulp. If I go back now, then I can help. I can fight Lord English, or get everyone to hide from him, or maybe we can outrun him.”

As the words leave your mouth, something strange begins to happen. A powerful wind, appearing apparently from nowhere, begins to whip up, tugging at your hair and clothes. Everyone looks to a once empty patch of space, which is now a swirling, red portal. Out of the portal steps Lord English himself.

“HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO OUTRUN ME, WHEN I’M ALREADY HERE?” He roars (as a little piss may, or may not, leak out of you) and flies towards you quickly.

You turn and, without waving goodbye to your friends, haul ass as quickly as you can away from that situation. There are scattered yells from behind as Lord English plows his way through your friends in hot pursuit. He’s right. There’s no way you can outrun him like this.

Spotting a familiar castle built on sandy dunes, you fly towards the imaginary construct and through one of the open windows. You find yourself in the party hall, where you first met Tavros, and instantly realize that this is a shitty hiding place. Most of the furniture is smashed and the exits are too far away for you to-

With a deafening _crash_ , Lord English forces his way through the too-small window and follows you into the hall.

“End of the line.” He blocks your path and extends his hand towards you. “Give me the chip, now.”

“Suck my fat dick.”

He lunges and you teleport away. The void disappears, replaced by swirling snow and frigid air. You’re too surprised by your sudden change in location to move for a moment, but the cold air quickly returns your senses.

Then you begin to run.

The snow is deep and your boots must sink almost half a food under the frost with each step. You don’t know exactly where you are, but if you had to take another, wild guess, you’d assume you just jumped to Jade’s land of LOFAF.

Mounting a snowy hill, you rub at your exposed arms and spot a neat-looking house that could only ever belong to a radical girl like Jade Harley.

Rest in Peace. Never forget.

However, before you can begin to trek down to the house, a swirling red portal opens right in front of you, spawning Lord English once more.

“You’re getting on my nerves, human.” He growls and points his scepter at your chest. “You do not what to get on my bad side anymore than you’ve already…”

You teleport away again before he can finish his sentence, this time back to the void. Jade, Jake, Tavros, and Kanaya are just recovering from your last encounter with them and are, needless to say, surprised to see you back.

“Roxy!” Jade cries. “What are you doing here? Where’s Lord English.”

“Can’t talk. He’s right behind me.” You spot a red portal blink into existence over your friend’s shoulders. “Gotta jet. Don’t worry though. I think I’m starting to figure this out.”

You jump again, appearing on the edge of gigantic gear over a lava ocean, LOHAC of course. The sudden temperature change, from the frost of LOFAF to the heat of LOHAC causes goosebumps to rise on your skin. That’s the least of your worries though, as Lord English suddenly appears behind you.

“DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT-“

You teleport once more, back to the void.

“I just need to focus on this next one!” You quickly explain to your very confused friends. “I know how this works now, almost. Every time I jump in the land of the living, I come to the void, but from the void I can go wherever I want, as long as I focus right. I just need to…”

An extremely pissed Lord English blinks into life by your side.

“I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY, IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN, I WILL KILL **_EVERYTHING_**!”

“Guys!” You call to your friends as you Lord English bears down on your once more.

Without hesitation, Jade, Jake, and Kanaya leap at Lord English, grabbing him by the cloak, arms, face, whatever they can reach. Tavros has disappeared, probably off to hide somewhere, and you can’t really blame him. This is some scary shit.

“Alright, alright.” You close your eyes and mutter to yourself as your friends struggle with Lord English. “Just gotta focus. LOWAS. I want to go to LOWAS. The Land of Wind and Shade. Please, please, please….

“NOOOOOOoooooo!”

Lord English’s scream is the last thing you hear before you disappear again.

With a small _pop_ you find yourself not on LOWAS, but somewhere else entirely. Looking around, you discern that you’ve managed to stick yourself in some sort of cave or something. Cursing your rotten luck, you turn, hoping to find some sort of exit so that you can get your bearings or something, and freeze.

“Uh, Roxy?” Your sudden appearance has stunned Jane Crocker. “What are you doing here?”

* * *

 

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are now Karkat Vantas. And damn, it’s good to be back.

Well, sort of.

“And then there was this big explosion, like _BOOM!_ ” Terezi claps her hands about an inch away from your face. “And then Jade teleported us here and the rest is all history. Hehe. What have you been up to, Nubs?”

That’s a good question. You remember flashes of light and sound, colors and smells. You see Lord English slip the headband over your horns, and then you’re in space, and then you’re watching all of the faces of your old friends drift in and out of view like some sort of mirage. At first you’d considered the possibility that you were simply doomed to a life of torture, in which you are faced with all of the demons of your past, those who you left to die or failed to save or any number of other things.

Then the images changed and you were wrestling with Dave and Roxy, and now… Here you are.

“I don’t remember.” You grumble, covering your eyes with your arm.

“Aw, come on, Karkles. You have to remember something.” Terezi’s fingers tug at your sweater. “Get up. Come on. We’ve got so much to catch up on! Don’t you wanna reconnect with your Matesprit? Hehe.”

“I just want to sleep.” And that’s the truth. You’re currently splayed out on the hill next to the fallen Felt Tower, with Terezi by your side. Rose and Vriska are busy digging graves nearby, John went to find Dave, and everyone else… well, everyone else is either dead or just gone.

You don’t know where the other humans, Strider Two and Girl-John, are and right now you couldn’t really care less. Kanaya, Gamzee, and Feferi are dead and you didn’t get to say goodbye to any of them. Eridan can go sit on one of those stupid wands of his and if you had a choice, Vriska probably wouldn’t be one of the few trolls you’d want to stick around, but everyone else that you actually _do_ care about is just gone, out of commission once again, dead.

You’d be lying if you said you wouldn’t miss that stupid, idiotic, weird-ass dog-girl. She’d always been something of an enigma to you. Incredibly immature one second, and then wildly brave the next. Fucking Strider didn’t know what he had.

“You aren’t sleeping. Don’t lie to me.” Terezi pulls your arm away from your eyes and allows the sunlight to hit your face. You cringe under it’s glare. Trolls aren’t meant to be out in the sun. You aren’t meant to be alive. “Talk to me, Karkles. I… uh, sort of thought I’d lost you back there.”

“Don’t call me _‘Karkles’_.” You don’t have the energy to inject the proper amount of venom into your voice, but you try anyways. “And I’m here obviously. Feel my tangible skin and hear my effable words, you fucking nutcase. There’s no doubting my presence.”

“No. I guess there isn’t.”

You squint up at her and see that she’s frowning at you with an odd sort of contemplation, like she’s eyeing a particularly delicious-looking piece of red chalk. Except, not really. She looks almost… sad.

You do not have time for this.

“You wanna play this game?” You reach up press your hand against her cheek, feeling the sharp bone beneath. Her hand moves to cover yours. “Then why the fuck don’t _you_ talk to me, huh? Say something that isn’t bat-shit crazy for once and maybe this might go somewhere.”

“I don’t think so.” She smiles slightly. “I could say whatever the fuck I wanted right now. I could probably sob into your fat chest for thirty minutes or screw your brains out for the next hour, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re both probably going to die before all of this is over.”

A single, bluish-green tear slips out from under her sunglass to pool against your fingers.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” You push yourself up into the sitting position. The part of your leg where flesh meets steel aches painfully in complaint, but you ignore it. “And as fun as half of that sounds, now is most fucking definitely not the time. Where the hell is John? He should be back by now.”

“He and Dave are probably having a good cry over Jade’s corpse right now. I’m sure they’ll be back soon.” Terezi stands up and helps you to your feet. “How’s the robo-leg holding up?”

“It’s awful.” You growl. “Equius would have whipped up something easily ten times better than this. That second Strider human is fucking useless!”

“I take offense to that.” A new voice snarks with enough self-confidence to make your blood boil.

You and Terezi turn to find one of the only two people in the universe who’s smug face alone could set you off on a full blown rager.  Dirk Strider, flanked by the other two human girls, stands there in all of his douchey glory. All the humans are god tier now and smiling the biggest, most useless smiles you ever did see.

“Roxy told us what happened.” Jane, wearing Maid of Life clothing, rushes forward. “Are you okay? Where is everyone?”

“Everyone still alive is either here or out doing something pointless.” You answer. “And everyone else is dead.”

“Where’s John.” The girl, Roxy, shoves a small device, the size of a flash drive under your nose. “I need to tell him about this. It could be the key to defeating Lord English!”

Rose and Vriska, who have by noticed the new arrivals, abandon their laborious toil and join the rest of the group up on the hill. They are covered with dirt and blood, having been moving all of your friend’s corpses around and organizing them for burial. Neither of them look very pleased at the moment.

“We already have a plan to defeat Lord English.” Vriska points down towards the collapsed tower, where Snowman is handcuffed to what’s left of the fence. “And it involves using her to find Jack Noir.”

“But this holds Calliope’s consciousness.” Roxy cradles the small chip. “If we can just figure out a way to communicate with her, then maybe she can help us out. She’s bound to know a way to defeat her brother. John has to know about this.”

“John is not here at the moment. He went after Dave.” Rose explains calmly. “We can wait here for his return, but in the meantime, I’m sure we’d all be interested to know where just exactly where you’ve been.”

“Oh, man. Is _that_ a story.” Roxy’s eyes gleam with excitement. “So it turns out that I’m a hero of the void and can jump between the void and the medium at free will. I saw Jade, Jake, and Kanaya in the void and they’ll all alright so don’t worry.” She turns to Vriska quickly. “Also, I bumped into your buddy Tavros. He wanted me to tell you that you can suck his dick or something like that. Anyways,” She continues to babble about some intense chase between herself and Lord English between the medium and the void, culminating in all the dead players ganging up on the monster and allowing her to escape to LOCAH. “And that’s when I bumped into Jane and Dirk!”

“We were just minding our business, exploring the crypt and what not.” Jane picks up the story. “When Roxy suddenly showed up…”

* * *

 

=> Be Jane Crocker in the past

You are now past Jane Crocker. Going back in time!

“Uh, Roxy?” You are stunned by your friend’s sudden appearance. “What are you doing here?”

“Janey!” She cries and throws her arms around you in a tight hug. “Damn, am I glad as shit to see you. I was trying to get back to LOWAS, but I guess I ended up here. Not so bad really, when you consider all the other places I could have ended up. Haha.”

“Er, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You extricate yourself from her embrace. “LOWAS? Why were you trying to get back there? I thought there was trouble back in LOMAX.”

“That’s what Rose thought too, but it turns out that the real trouble was at Felt Tower. Jade teleported us there and Lord English showed up and it was a whole mess. Oh god, Jane…” Roxy takes your hands suddenly in hers. “Oh, Jane... Jake and Jade are dead.”

You feel the air rush from your lungs in a low gasp.  Jade and Jake are dead? That’s not true. Roxy wouldn’t just tell you something like that. It couldn’t be true. Jade was a super-powered badass with a gun and Jake was pretty much the same thing. People like them didn’t just _die_.

And yet…

Roxy’s looking at you with that sad expression, as if she’s just waiting for you to argue with her, so that she can comfort you. You’re familiar with that sympathetic look. You got loads of them at your father’s funeral.

“What about the others?” You ask quickly. “John, Rose, Terezi.”

“They were fine the last I saw, before I teleported away.” She messages her temple. “Shit, there’s so much to explain. Where’s Dirk?”

“He’s taking a pee break behind that pillar over there.” You point to a stone column, shrouded in darkness.

“Sup.” Comes Dirk’s greeting from out of sight. He appears a moment later, buckling his pants. “I heard that Jake and Jade are dead. What the fuck is that bullshit about?”

“Lord English killed them.” Roxy clenches her fist tightly. “We have to get back to LOWAS and help them.”

“We will” You assure her. “Right after I deal with this.” You point down and Roxy looks to see that she has been standing with you on your quest bed this entire time. It’s a dull brown in color, square like the others, and carved with an odd squiggly symbol. “As soon as I kick the bucket, we’ll high-tail it over to LOWAS.”

“What are you waiting for then?” Dirk passes you his sword. “I’d use this if I were you. It’s a lot cleaner than that fork of yours.”

“Th-Thanks.” You take his blade gingerly as Roxy steps off your quest bed to join Dirk. You give them a final smile, the warmest you can muster. “Well, I guess I’ll see you on the other side.”

You raise the blade to your chest and take a deep breath. It’s just like taking a shot. Nice and quick.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

* * *

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are once again Karkat Vantas. And wasn’t that a lovely flashback?

Everyone listens with varying levels of interests to Jane’s harrowing tale of death, resurrection, and wardrobe change. When she finishes, there’s only one question on your mind:

“Can you bring our friends back to life?”

Jane instantly becomes nervous as everyone looks to her with now consistently high levels of interest. She tugs a little uncomfortably at her collar and looks down the hill towards the fresh graves.

“I- I could try I supposed. I mean, I only got these powers less than an hour ago. I have no idea how to use them yet.” She looks around the group for some kind of help. “Like, what if I mess up and make things worse?”

“How could you make things worse? They’re dead, dummy.” Says Terezi. “Can you at least try?”

Jane gives a half-hearted nod and slowly makes her way away from the group and towards the graves. Everyone follows and stands a little off to the side as she beings her work.

Holding her hands over Kanaya’s grave, Jane closes her eyes and screws up her face in concentration. Everyone waits with bated breath for some lightening or magic or for Kanaya to claw her way out of the dirt for freedom. None of which happens though. Jane just stands there looking foolish and growing more and more red-faced by the second.

“Ugh. I got nothing.” She drops her hands heavily. “I’m sorry guys. Um, maybe I need to like actually _touch_ them or something. Should we… dig them up?”

“I don’t know.” Rose admits. “Resurrection might not even be in your skill set and it seems a little disrespectful to disgrace Kanaya’s corpse like that if we are unsure if it will even work or not.”

“I don’t think Kanaya would give two shits if her corpse was disrespected, as long as she came back to life.” You mutter.

Before Jane, or anyone else for that matter, can respond, a powerful gust of wind tousles your hair and draws your attention skyward. From the scattered clouds descends a weird mosaic of red, blue, and black. It’s only when it reaches the ground that you realize it’s John, with Dave and the deceased Jade under his arms.

They all look bad and you’re talking _really_ bad, worse than Vriska, Terezi, or Rose. Dave’s shades are now cracked and broken, yet still sitting stubbornly on his nose. His shirt has a large rip across the front and a gash above his right eye is dripping blood into his eyebrow. John is equally roughed up, with the beginnings of a black eye, a busted lip, and a freely bleeding nose to top it all off.

And Jade…. Well, Jade is dead.

Without speaking, Dave walks down the line of graves and places Jade gently on the ground. He then begins a new grave for her, shifting rocks and dirt with his bare hands.

“Dave.” Jane walks over and hands him her obnoxiously-large spoon-weapon. “Here.”

Still mute, Dave takes the spoon and begins to dig.

“Oh, John.” Rose approaches her Matesprit and examines his busted face. “What happened? Who did this to you?”

Egbert smiles sheepishly, causing the gash in his lip to stretch and ooze out more disgusting human blood.

Then he beings to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're back from our one week hiatus and here, at what is definitely the beginning of the end. Act Eight is the final act, once that will hopefully answer some questions and tie off some loose ends. There will be an epilogue, probably a multi-chapter epilogue afterwards though. I appreciate you all sticking with me. It means alot.
> 
> I hope you had a great christmas! Mine was pretty good :D I got together with some of my extended family and had a big ol' party, which was sort of fun. There's just two things you never want to talk about with your family: Politics and Religion. Such are the lessons learned the hard way year after year. Oh well.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Happy New Year.  
> \- Mike


	71. ACT 8 - PART 2

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’re in hot pursuit of Dave Strider.

That last you’d seen of your best friend, he’d been running away from the battle, carrying his dead girlfriend (your sister) limply in his arms, most likely heading to LOFAF to put Jade on her quest bed. It won’t work, you know that already. Her quest bed has already been used by her once and you’re pretty sure that it’s impossible to become _double_ god tier.

Besides, chances are that it’s too late. Jade is already long dead.

Tossing a corpse onto a quest bed probably won’t accomplish anything all that worthwhile, other than killing morale at the very least. You aren’t going to stop Dave, per say, but maybe you can be there for him when things get rough.

It’s dangerous to be out here alone too.

As you fly through the clouds, you scan the ground below for a glimpse of red. There’s nothing but dull blues and blacks though, as the LOWAS landscape races along beneath you. You never really considered Dave to be all that athletic of a guy, since he always considered sports and competitions and getting sweaty to be uncool. However, it seems as if he’s covering ground at the same rate as a professional sprinter.

For a second, you worry that you may have flown right ahead of him, missing him completely. Doubling back to re-search the area seems like a waste of time and besides, you know where he’s heading. It might be best for you to be waiting at the quest bed for him too.

Calling up on the wind, you pick up the pace and fly straight to LOFAF. Blue rocks and oil quickly change to snow and trees, as you cross the border and try to remember where exactly Jade said her quest bed was. Some kind of ice palace, right? It shouldn’t be hard to spot.

You see him first though, a drop of blood on an otherwise white sheet. Dropping from the sky, you land with a soft _poof_ in the snow, scatting frost into the air. Dave is sitting, motionless in a snow drift, with the battered, bloody, and broken Jade in his arms.

You announce your presence with a low cough.

“Um, Dave?” You cautiously move to his side. “Dave… I’m, uh- I’m here, man.”

He turns his head to look up at you. He isn’t crying or even frowning all that much. The same, expressionless line of a mouth sits on his face, just below those dark shades. If you didn’t know better, you’d almost think that he was perfectly fine.

“I fucked up.” His voice is hoarse. “I fucked up so bad.”

“This isn’t your fault, Dave.” You’re quick to crouch by his side and rest a firm hand on his bony shoulder. “Lord English did this. You know that. Come on, man. Let’s get out of this snow. Jade needs to be…”

“Don’t touch me, Egbert.” His words are so sudden that you don’t react for a moment. Dave angrily shrugs off your hand. “Get the fuck away from me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, so I can mourn, bawl my little baby eyes out until all the water in my body is gone and I’m just a shriveled-up stupid fuck.” Dave stares down at Jade’s face, probably the only part of her body that looks… normal, not twisted weird or bloody, just normal. With her glass still intact and her eyes closed, she could almost be sleeping instead of dead as all fuck. “Just go, Egbert. Leave me alone.”

“I’ve left you behind once. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again anytime soon.” You make to sit down by his side, but he lashes out and seizes you by the wrist.

“I don’t want you here right now.”

“Why not?” You feel a little heat rise in your chest. “She’s my sister too, Dave. Don’t I get to mourn?”

“Don’t mock me.”

“I’m not.”

“This is your fault too!” He quickly jumps to his feet, careful to not jostle Jade. She lies on the cold ground between you, sleeping and collecting snow.

“I didn’t do this!” You point to her. “I tried to stop this.”

“You could have left her behind! You should have stopped her from coming!”

“She teleported us there. If we’d left her behind then we would never have made it in time. Lord English would have killed you!”

“Well, you should have let him!” Dave clenches his fist. “You should have let him kill me!”

“How could I do that?” You demand. “Aren’t there enough dead Dave’s? I couldn’t have stopped Jade or Rose or anyone else even if I wanted to!”

“You brought Lord English here!” His voice has begun to shake. “None of this would be happening if you just left them in that fucking prison. Why couldn’t you do that? Why do you always have to be such a fucking hero all the time? You totally fucked us and you couldn’t care less!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” The heat in your chest grows in intensity. “You don’t think I feel bad for what I did? Every second I’m worried that one of you is going to die because of what _I_ did.”

“I bet you’re just crumbling under the guilt, huh?” Dave mocks. “Shit. It’s the same story every time with you. You just do shit and when it fucks up, you just move on and fuck something else up. And you’re still the same fucking happy-go lucky John Egbert.” He lunges forward suddenly and grabs you by the collar, bodily dragging you over to Jade. “Look at her! Look at this shit! It’s real, it’s not some fucking game. Do you understand how totally fucked we are? SHE’S DEAD!”

Jade’s usually tan skin is paper white, almost as blank and empty as the snow around her. The fire in your chest creeps up into your head, boiling the thoughts there: Jade pestering you at three a.m. to play an online game with her, something shitty with cute animals or weird animal-people, a couple of pink turtles and a golden ship, a year of hell and the look on her face when she confronted you in that fucking bath tub…

You turn and rip out of Dave’s grip, without thinking, without hesitation, you draw back and clock him right in the jaw, knocking him away before he can grab you again. He twists with the punch, stumbles on to the snow, and falls onto his ass.

“Why did you chose your Bro over us?!” You scream at him. “If you weren’t at that fucking tower with those assholes, then we wouldn’t have gone there, Jade and Kanaya and Jake wouldn’t be dead!”

Dave responds by tackling you off your feet.

Grappling with each other, you and Dave tumble down the frost-covered slope.  Snow gets on your glasses and you’re momentarily blinded by white until your back connects with something hard and rough, the side of a tree. Dave tries to disentangle himself from you, but you grab him by the front of his shirt and tug sharply. Whether you’re trying to pull yourself up to him or pull him down again, you aren’t really sure.

All you know is that his shirt tears with a long _riiiiip_ and that his fist is now painfully buried in your gut. You double up, gasping for air and feel his hands scrabbling to grab a hold of your hood. You summon the breeze once more and propel yourself into him, lifting him from the ground and carrying him forward.

You both slam into the ground once more in an explosion of snow and continue forward, bouncing across the ground like a stone on a lake. Dave grabs a fistful of your hair and pulls sharply to the left, causing your eyes to water and sending you crashing into an unsuspecting tree. The wood and bark splinters as you crash through it and you hear a rumbling _crash_ as the tree tips over and falls to the ground.

Sliding to a stop once more, you shove Dave away, losing a few hairs in the process, and reach for your hammer. Dave’s quicker though and lunges forward grabbing you around the neck and pulling you towards him. He ducks low, and sweeps his arms upwards, flipping you onto his back and throwing you to the ground.

Damn, I guess he did learn a few tricks from Bro.

He’s on you in a flash, pinning you under his knee and punching you in the face, neck, chest over and over and over again. You scramble to cover your face with your arms, but he just shoves them away and keeps hitting you. You’re glasses slip off of your face and everything is blurry, blood feels like it’s gushing from your nostrils, Dave’s weight on your chest feels like a billion pounds.

His fist comes down on your check again, knocking your face to the side.

He’s going to kill you.

You throw your fist upwards with all the force you can muster. Your knuckles meet glass and Dave lets out a cry of pain. Shards of black glass rain down upon you as Dave falls to the side. You waste no time in rolling over and reversing your positions, pinning Dave between your own knees.

He punches upwards at you, but misses and you respond with several quick jabs to his face. You punch and feel your knuckles shift painfully in your hand. You punch and feel the satisfying warmth of blood against your fingers. You punch again and…

Dave lets out a miserable, choking sob.

You pause with your fist raised and look down at him with fogged eyes. His shades are broken, shattered by your fists, and you can clearly see the twin red eyes beneath. They stream tears down the side of his face, melting the snow on the ground.

“J-Jade…” He quakes beneath you, sobbing uncontrollably. “Jade- Jade… Ja-“

You allow yourself to slump to the side, falling onto the bloody snow to lay by his side. The snow continues to fall, unimpeded by…. By anything. Dave doesn’t attack you anymore. He just lies by your side and cries, repeating her name over and over again between tiny, watery gasps.

Tears don’t come to you. You’re too tired for that. You don’t try to get up and find your glasses either.

The fire in your chest is gone, like it never even existed. You don’t know whether it’s all this fucking snow or whether it’s because how fucked everything is, but… You just feel cold.

“I’m sorry.” Dave gasps. “I’m so fucking sorry. It’s my fault. It’s all my fucking fault.”

“No. It’s mine.” You mutter. “I’ve killed us.”

And you have.

Lord English exists because you brought him here. You created your own worst enemy, more powerful and smart and unfuckwitable than you can possibly hope to defeat. Lord English has already won. You’re living off of borrowed time at this point.

“I- I shouldn’t have fucking left.” Dave continues. “I wanted to be with Bro and he… he’s so goddamn dead. He’s dead too. I shouldn’t have left. I really fucking shouldn’t have.”

“You’re here now, Dave.” You stare up at the falling snow. “And well, that’s everything.” Reaching over, you awkwardly grab the edge of his sleeve. “You’re my brother.”

Dave doesn’t respond to that. Whether he even wants you to be his bro anymore or not, is impossible to tell. You simply hold him by the sleeve, as if that will keep him there, as he continues to cry. Eventually he goes quiet, but by then the snow has built up around you in a ridiculous, frigid blanket.

You hold it in as you collect your glasses, follow the trail of destruction back to Jade’s corpse, and fly with her and Dave back to LOWAS and the collapsed Felt Tower. You hold it in long enough to say _‘hi’_ to Karkat and Dirk and Jane. You hold it in until Rose wraps her arms around your middle.

Then you cry.

* * *

 

=> Be Rose Lalonde.

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently having an impromptu meeting with what’s left of the group in what remains of John’s old house. The bizarre, ruined home isn’t much of a clubhouse and it’s probably not the least inconspicuous place to hide either. It is, however, close by. Not to mention relatively warm and dry.

“I could probably whip up something.” Dirk sits backward on his chair, examining the memory chip fabled to hold Calliope’s conciseness. “It won’t be pretty, but it will be badass and it _will_ work.”

“You said the same thing about AradiaBot and my gog-damn leg.” Karkat grumbles. “Why should we expect you to deliver on this too?”

“Building a full-sized robot that can co-exist with your weird-ass, backwards, convoluted alien technology is difficult. So is building an electronic prosthetic to sync up with alien neurology.” Dirk’s shades flash.  “I can shove this chip into any old computer and make it sing. We just need a way to communicate, right? Calliope doesn’t need a whole nother body.”

“Yeah she does!” Roxy argues. “What kind of life can she be expected to lead if she’s just trapped in some stupid calculator.”

“I won’t put her in a calculator. It will be something much cooler and awesome.” Dirk tosses the chip into the air and catches it once more between his fingers. “Leave it to me. I’ll have Calliope unraveling this misery scarf in no time at all.” He rises from his chair. “John wouldn’t happen to have a toy chest around here, would he? You’d be surprised how many high-tech gadgets they pack into those little kid-pleasers.”

“I would check the attic.” You advise. “I don’t know for sure, but I’m pretty sure that’s where John stashed all of his old toys, along with all of that weird porn Dave passed onto him that one time he thought he was dying.”

Roxy lets out a little snicker, while Dirk just nods and crosses the living room to ascend the stairs. After he disappears out of sight, Terezi lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Finally, I thought he was never going to leave. Hehe.” She giggles. “Was it just me or was he acting super weird? Like did any of you guys understand what he was talking about with misery scarves?”

“I think what he meant was that our miserable situation is equivalent to that of a scarf, which Calliope will unravel, thus solving all of our problems.” You rub at your tired eyes. “Or I don’t know. I might be reaching there. My interactions with Dave have left me rather jaded to metaphors, in all honesty.”

“Dirk’s in mourning.” Jane says simply. “You can tell that just by looking at him, no matter how hard he hides it. Jake was… our friend.”

Everyone suddenly finds the floor very interesting.

“He will be missed.” You murmur. “Along with Jade, Kanaya, and the rest. However, until the time comes where we can honor their memory properly, it’s our job to press forward with our quest.”

“Says the girl who _insisted_ we spend the night in this ridiculous human dwelling.” Vriska stands in the corner, leaning against the wall with her arms folded and emitting an aura of annoyance. “We probably could have tracked down Jack Noir and passed through the seven gates by now if we weren’t wasting time licking our wounds.”

“That’s exactly what we need to do though.” Jane counters. “We need time to recover. We lost six of our own yesterday. Don’t you care?”

“No.” Answers Vriska honestly. “There aren’t many people that I care about anymore.”

“Well then just try to imagine how _we_ feel, okay? Besides, Dirk needs time to work with Calliope’s chip and Dave and John…”

“Are in no condition to travel.” You finish when she trails off.

“What do you think happened to those two anyways?” Asks Roxy. “Neither of them were _that_ beat up when I last saw them.”

“I think they ran into some more skeleton consorts.” Answers Terezi. “Either that, or John flew them through a wood-chipper. Ha!”

You don’t think skeletons have anything to do with what happened. Neither John nor Dave have yet to comment on the matter and you doubt they will any time soon as they’re both currently absent from this meeting. John is upstairs, hopefully sleeping in his room, and Dave only muttered something about _‘a walk’_ before sulking into the night.

No one had the heart to stop him.

You have your suspicions about what took place between the two best friends, suspicions that you’ll confirm with John later. For the moment though, you’ll let him rest in peace.

But only for a little while.

“I’ll go watch the prisoner.” Vriska says as she pushes away from the wall. “Who knows? Maybe I can make use of this waste of time to squeeze some info out of her.”

“Try not to do anything the rest of us wouldn’t approve of, Vriska.” You warn.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. We need her alive and in one piece. I get it.” She flashes you a quick, venomous smile before sliding into the kitchen and disappearing from view.

Snowman is currently handcuffed to the oven, waiting to be questioned. Vriska’s idea that the former black queen might know where to find Jack Noir is a gamble in itself, but then again, everything is a little risky nowadays. Plus, it’s the only plan you’ve got at the moment that doesn’t sound ridiculously stupid.

You’d never admit this aloud, but Vriska’s addition/re-addition to the team is probably the only positive thing that’s happened in… well, as long as you can remember. She’s deadly, smart, and just crazy enough to be what you’ll need to defeat Lord English.

If only she wasn’t such a big bitch.

After a moment of silence, Jane and Roxy make their exit as well, ascending the stairs to most likely find Dirk. Only you, Karkat, and Terezi are left.

“You should both get some sleep.” You yawn into your hand and rise from your chair, tired yourself. “Hopefully tomorrow we’ll be able to set our plan into motion.”

“Yeah, _hopefully_.” Karkat scoffs, leans back on John’s sofa, and throws his arm over his face. “That’s only if Dirk finishes that robot and if John and Dave get their shit together. And then, even if all of that miraculously happens, Snowman’s going to have to betray her old beau. Psshh. As if!”

“We have no evidence to show that Snowman still supports Jack Noir.” You state firmly. “And as for everything else on that list: I have faith in my friends, as should you.”

“I have oodles and oodles of faith, Lalonde.” Karkat rolls over and puts his back to you. “Now let me go the fuck to sleep.”

Sighing, you turn and exit the room. From out in the hall, you hear Terezi let out a soft squeal, followed by a solid _‘whump’_ and a string of curses from Karkat.

“Get the fuck off of me!”

“There’s plenty of room, Nubs. Hehe. Scoot over!”

“GRAAAHHHH!!!”

Their argument fades away as you march down the hall towards the stairs. Now seems like as good a time as any to check up on John, change his bandages, provide emotional comfort, subtly pry the circumstances of his injuries from his tightly-sealed lips. In this fragile, yet important part of the game, you’re going to have to know for sure whether or not your friendleader can hold up under the pressure.

You’re just passing the front door when it opens. You turn to see Dave standing in the doorway, his shoulders slumped, his hair ragged, just looking as awful as he had when he’d returned with John from LOFAF.

“Dave.” You fight to keep your voice even. “Where have you been?”

He shrugs and tries to move past you, but you step into his path.

“Strider.” You lay on the authority. “Talk to me.”

“About what?” He mutters.

“About what we can do to help you. You’ve just suffered extreme loss and although you may wish nothing more than to be left alone at the moment, there is not anything more important and helpful than companionship. We are your friends. You can trust us.”

“I know.” He shrugs again. “I’m just tired, Lalonde. Move out of the way.”

He moves to step through you and you allow him to pass.

“I’m going up to see John. You should come.”

His step falters and he turns back to set his glassy gaze upon yours. You notice that he is now wearing a new pair of sunglasses, which leads you to believe that he’s spent the last few hours trekking to LOHAC and back to retrieve a backup pair from his old apartment.

You wish he hadn’t.

“I can’t.” He mumbles.

“Why not?”

“Why do you ask so many fucking questions?”

“I’ve only asked two.”

“Well, that’s two too many.” He turns without another word and slides through an nearby doorway, disappearing into John’s guest bedroom.

Rubbing at your temples, you ascend the multitude of steps up to John’s room. This situation is fucked up enough as it is without drama like this complicating things. Whatever transpired between John and Dave is nothing in the grand scheme of things and the sooner they see that, the better.

The real problem amongst them though, the problem that you’ve so far avoided simply because you could, is Jade.

Jade Harley. The glue to your group, the light and fire and spirit and passion that no one else in your dwindling circle of friends could hope to exhume. She was your friend, your passionate, determined, kindly friend whose practical abilities as well as her moral fiber will be missed beyond compare.

If she were here now… things would be a lot different. Everyone would be more cheerful, Dave wouldn’t look so fragmented and you…

You probably wouldn’t be making this upward trek alone.

Without knocking, you open the door to John’s bedroom.

“John, are you… oh god.” You gasp in shock, completely dumbfounded by what is taking place in the room.

Every reachable patch of wall, floor, and even ceiling is covered with a messy, hastily-written scrawl of black ink. John stands near the far wall, writing quickly with his marker and apparently completely oblivious to your presence.

You immediately realize that he’s under the effects of some trace-like somnambulism disorder, or sleepwalking. Instead of attempting to rouse him, which could be dangerous, you quietly take a seat on his bed and watch.

He shuffles silently around the room, like the breeze, writing short sentences, words, small pictograms.

There are other insults too, harmful things that you would never utter aloud, the likes of which John seems to only reserve for himself. He draws faces too, nearly indiscernible faces, but faces nonetheless. John has never been complimented on his skills as an artist. He draws Jade with X’s over her eyes, Dave too, Karkat and Terezi and Roxy and Jane and _you_.

_Stupid Waste of Space._

_Don’t even try._

_The ring is a lie._

“The ring is a lie.” You repeat quietly, watching him underline that specific sentence multiple times. Now what could that possible mean? The ring is Lord English’s possession is most definitely _not_ a lie, since it’s probably the most powerful artifact ever to exist.

What other rings are there? Is he even referring to a literal ring? Perhaps he’s thinking of an abstract ring, such as a circle of friends or… something.

Such is the mind of an unstable person.

And that’s what John is. He is unstable, broken, not right in the head. You watch him work with a certain anxiety that grows with each letter scribbled on the wall. How long has this been happening? You’ve never seen him like this before. No one has ever, ever said something even remotely hinting that John might be acting in this behavior.

He works his way towards the door and you quickly move to close it, preventing him from exiting and potentially coating the entire house in self-detrimental writing. You should have shut the door earlier. It would be unfortunate for anyone else to stumble upon this scene. It’s John’s business, after all.

And yours too, you suppose.

After a few more minutes of sitting and watching, your eyes being to droop. It’s been an incredibly long and stressful day and John’s shallow breaths, plus the soft _scribble_ of his marker on the wall is honestly a little melodic to your ears.

Suddenly, there’s a sharp _clack_ that causes you to flinch. John has just dropped his marker. He stoops to retrieve it, but bumps his head against the wall, becomes unbalanced, and slides down the wall to the floor.

You watch him fold in on himself like crumpled tin can, seemingly forgetting all about his previous graffiti-minded task. Quietly rising from the bed, you approach him and take a seat by his side. He mumbles quietly in his sleep, horrible things, rude things, sad things. You listen to them and you wonder if Karkat is right about hope and whether or not there’s any left.

The floor is hard and uncomfortable, but you resolve to stay there until John wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you all had a great new years eve! Mine was pretty good. 
> 
> Happy twenty fifteen. Where the fuck is my hoverboard and shoes that tie themselves.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	72. ACT 8 - PART 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jeedies for commenting.

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are Jane Crocker. It’s alive! It’s alive!

Well, it’s almost alive.

You’re sitting in what used to be John’s garage, watching both Roxy and Dirk toil with creating a new interface for Calliope. The guts of many forgotten household appliances and toys lay scattered on a workbench in messy heaps that look more like trash to you than anything else.

You watch Dirk take an old toy, which you easily recognize as a Speak N’ Spell, and crack it open with a hammer. As he fits Calliope’s chip into the device, Roxy leans over his shoulder.

“Do you really think _that_ is going to work?” She asks. “I mean, I’m pretty sure that whatever tech the Condense worked into that chip isn’t compatible with the basic operating system of a fucking Speak N’ Spell.”

“I know what I’m doing.” Dirk responds gruffly. “I used to make robots out of junk like this all the time.”

“I’m just saying that maybe we’ll have to re-write the sequencing program in the toy so that…”

“I know what the fuck I’m doing!” Dirk suddenly slams his fist down on the bench, causing everything on top to bounce upwards a few inches. “You can’t help here, Rox. I’d even go as far as to say that you’re completely _unhelpful_ in this situation, borderline useless.”

“Well then, shit. Just do it all yourself then. No need to be a big ol’ bitch about it.” Roxy rolls her eyes towards the heavens and shoots you a glance. You respond with a shrug.

“I’m not being a bitch.” Dirk mumbles into his work. “You’re being a bitch.”

“Good one, Dirky. I’m really feeling the heat right now.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you more.”

“Why don’t you get the hell away from me, huh? Go raid Egbert’s liquor cabinet or something. Do whatever it is you do when you aren’t pissing me the fuck off and/or taking up precious space.”

A flash of _something_ flits across Roxy’s face at his words, but she recovers quickly. You’re almost doubtful that you saw anything at all really. She responds:

“Hmmmmm. As enjoyable as that would be, I’d much rather stay here and press at your buttons. Watching you lose your cool is easily in my top five favorite things to do ever. Of all time.”

Dirk slams his fist down on the table again and shoots Roxy a withering glare. She takes it full force, smirking quite peevishly all the while.

“I am _not_ losing my fucking cool. In fact, I’ve never had such a firm grasp on my cool ever before. I have it in a vice-like grip, pinned to my fucking shirt like an election pen. Remember to vote this next term to re-elect president cool as ruler of the entire god-damn galaxy.”

“Nah. Your cool is totally gone.” Roxy cranes her neck to watch something invisible float overhead. “Awww look at it. There it goes, off into the sunset to never be seen again.”

“Fuck you, Roxy.” Dirk furiously turns back to his work.

“Yeah, well fuck you more…”

“Guys,” You speak up then, rubbing at your forehead. A headache is most definitely brewing. “Can you turn it down for a second? All this bickering is making me head hurt.”

“Boo hoo hoo.” Dirk mocks. “Jane’s feeling a little tuckered-out. Let’s shut down this whole operation and turn ourselves over to Lord English, shall we? You people are so fucking ridiculous…”

“I’m just saying…” You cut him off.

“Well, I’m just saying,” Dirk returns the favor. “That our friends are dead and it doesn’t seem like either of you are giving it a second fucking thought.”

His words hang in the air for a moment, like toxic smog. It’s untrue, of course, completely untrue. You liked Jake a lot. He was funny and brave, maybe a little bit socially inept, but still a pretty nice guy. He was pretty hot too.

And Jade was… something else.

It’s hard to explain. In the short time you’ve spent with the beta kids, you’ve seen them fly, teleport, time travel, and predict the future. They’re like literal _gods_ , superheroes that could quite possibly go down in legend as some of the most courageous and awesome people to ever exist. They seem unstoppable, like pure embodiments of everything fantasy and…

Jade is dead.

Just like that. Like anyone else made of flesh and blood. Hearing of her death and then trying to resurrect her and then just completely failing. How are you supposed to feel about her? You’re sad, yeah, but there’s also something else there.

You’re angry. At Jade for getting herself killed, at you for being useless, and at the whole of existence for just being so incredibly fucked.

Kanaya, Bro, Gamzee, and Feferi. Those are just names to you honestly, names on a growing list that will probably never stop growing as long as Lord English is around. 

“I think about it plenty.” You tell Dirk after a moment. “I miss Jake and Jade just as much as you do and I want revenge too.” Sliding from your chair you step up to his side. “But you don’t get to treat us like shit just because you’re _afraid_. We are alive, Dirk. We’re still here, and the only way we’re going to stick around is if we work together. So…. Yeah.”

You kind of fucked up the ending there, but whatever. This leadership stuff is still new to you. Give yourself a break.

Roxy nods along in agreement.

“We’re a team.” She adds. “We should be able to talk to each other.”

“Well, then talk if you want to talk.” Dirk returns to his work, piecing the Speak N’ Spell back together. “It won’t change a god-damn thing.”

“It will make you feel better.” You cautiously pat Dirk on the back in what you hope is a comforting manner. “You haven’t said much of anything about Jake either, you know? He was your friend. You and him used to talk a lot back home when you were fighting in the revolution, right?”

“I think I’ve almost got it.” Dirk flat-out ignores you.

With a groan, you turn to Roxy and roll your eyes. She shrugs back.

Snapping the Speak N’ Spell back together, Dirk presses the ‘on’ button and causes a myriad of green letters to dance across the small screen. The toy _beeps_ once and then begins to speak:

“010011110110100000100000011011010111100100100000011001110110111101101100011001000110010101101110001000000111001001101001011011100110011101110011001000010000110100001010!”

“It’s binary.” Roxy explains instantly. “I _told_ you that we need to re-write the stupid toy’s program so that Calliope can speak fucking English.”

“Hold on, it’s probably just an adapter error. Let me see.” Dirk cracks open the toy again and fiddles with it some more. “Here, let’s try this.”

Pressing the ‘on’ button again, Dirk stands back and everyone watches in awe as the Speak N’ Spell begins to speak:

“Hello? Is anyone there? Can anyone hear me?” Calliope’s voice crackles with static.

“We’re here, Cali!” Roxy shouts into the device. “We rescued you from your D-Bag brother. Can you hear us?”

“Yes! Indeed I can! Quite well, in fact.” As Calliope speaks, your heart leaps with joy. Things might finally be going your way. “I do appear to have gone blind though. Also my limbs are missing.”

“That’s because we had to insert your brain into children’s toy.” Dirk explains, as he picks up the Speak N’ Spell. “This is a temporary fix. We’ll try and get you as close to _alive_ as possible soon, okay?”

“Alright. I do suppose that I can’t complain about my current situation, seeing as how most anything is preferable to being dead. Thank you so much, my friends! You have given me a new lease on life!”

“It’s no problem at all, Calliope.” You feel a little weird speaking to the toy. “We’re going to need your help to beat Lord English. He’s really powerful and… well, after a pretty recent, I guess you could say _encounter_ with the guy, he really tore us new assholes. Do you have any ideas on how to defeat him?”

Calliope goes silent and you, Dirk, and Roxy wait and watch the little red box with bated breath. You wait for so long that you’re almost worried that she has shorted out or something. However, Calliope eventually speaks again:

“I don’t have the slightest clue.”

* * *

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are now Vriska Serket. You’re sort of the outcast yet again, not that it bothers you very much.

It was nice being the captain of an undead pirate crew, having everyone follow your orders, being feared and respected as the most ridiculously badass warrior in the void, but now you’re alive again, and amongst all the people who casted you out, murdered you, and broke your heart before.

But you don’t care.

Fuck, why are you even thinking about this stuff? It’s not like it bothers you at all! You’re perfectly happy with the situation. You’re going to work with John and everyone else to defeat Lord English and go down in the history books as one of the greatest people to ever live.

That’s what you want, right?

Fuck yeah it is.

Anyways, you should probably focus on the current matter at hand:

“Come on, Snowman.” You smirk in the exile’s face. “I want to help you. You know that, right? We can work together here.”

“I do not associate with the likes of you.” Grumbles the former black queen. She’s currently handcuffed sloppily to oven door, trying to sit as regally as possible on the hard, tile floor. For some reason Terezi keeps handcuffs in her pocket. You’ve stopped trying to understand anything about that psychotic troll ages ago. “You are alien scum, incapable of playing the game properly. Not even that, but you are _not_ in a position of authority. I wish to speak to your leader.”

You feel your blood heat up a few degrees. Where the fuck does this snooty asshole get off? She’s your prisoner for fuck’s sake! She can’t make demands. Gog, you think Snowman might be tied with Lalonde on the _‘pretentious annoying prissy bitch’_ scale.

“The whole _leadership_ thing is incredibly arbitrary in this situation.” You explain as you pace above her. “As far as authority goes, I’m about as close as you’re going to get _‘the law’_ around here. So what I say, you do, no questions asked.” Quickly turning, you pop a squat by her side. Your movements are so sudden that it causes her t flinch and you take pleasure in the momentary widening of her eyes. “I’m only going to ask one more time, Snowman. Where is Jack Noir?”

She folds her uninhibited arm across her chest and glares up at you with unmitigated malice. You wait patiently for her to speak. It’s not like she’s going anywhere, after all.

“Why do you wish to find him?” She questions. “It’s not wise for the mouse to seek out the snake.”

“If you make another metaphor like that, I’ll turn you fucking inside out, and to answer your question: we need him to take us through the seven gates.”

“You do not need him to travel through the gates. If you complete your quests, the location of the gates will be revealed to you.”

“Obviously, but we’re a on a time-crunch. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so we have to circumvent a few hurdles, alright?” You scoot closer to the exile. “Listen, Snowy. I know that _you_ know where he’s hiding. All you have to do is take us there, so that we can go through the seven gates, find the white king, and then get him to defeat Lord English. After that, we’ll play the game however you like. It really doesn’t matter after that point.”

“And what will become of me and Jack?” Asks Snowman. “Will the black kingdom be destroyed in your quest to defeat a problem which _you_ , the players, have wrought upon yourselves?”

“It depends on how helpful you are.” You admit. “I tend to take out my aggressions on people who give me a hard time.”

Snowman cracks a smile then, an honest-to-gog smile that would probably be the equivalent of a grimace on anyone else. Except Karkat maybe. For a second, you think you may have won her over.

“I want to talk to your leader.” She repeats calmly. “I want someone who can give me concrete answers.”

“What? An _‘I might kill you’_ isn’t concrete enough for you?”

“Of course not. If you were in a position of authority, you would have a definite answer. ‘ _Maybe’_ explicitly means that the others will try to stop you and that they will most likely succeed, again.”

“Again?”

“Yes. They killed you once already, didn’t they?” She tilts her head curiously. “Why, may I ask, are you in the company of murderers, liars, and traitors?”

Good question. You’ve already covered how much of the odd troll out you are. Current cold shoulders aside, the events of the past themselves should be enough to dissuade you away from this group. You’d leave if you could… but you can’t.

Where would you go? How far would you make it before Lord English found _you_?

“I’m the worst one out of the bunch.” You shrug and stand up, stretching your back just like you don’t give a fuck. “If you want to pull that stupid alien card: _‘take me to your leader’_ bullshit, then fine. I’ll find someone. Don’t go nowhere now.”

With a final wink and a wave, you exit the kitchen, leaving her alone. Terezi and Karkat are sleeping in an uncomfortable jumble of bony and robotic limbs on the couch. Aren’t they just the cutest little flushed pair you ever did see?

In the hallway you pass the second group of humans, Dick, Moxy, and Bane, or something like that. They’re excitedly chatting with one another and brandishing a ridiculous-looking human toy.

“Vriska!” Grins the human girl holding the toy to her chest. “We’ve got some good news, but also some bad news. We managed to put Calliope into this computer, right? But she’s just as clueless as us on how to her douchebag of a brother…”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s great.” You brush past them. “Give yourself a gold star or something.”

“Where are you going?” Asks the second human girl.

“Upstairs. I need to talk to John.”

“He’s resting.”

“So? We don’t have time for ‘ _resting’_. Fuck, what is the matter with all you people?” You glare at them over your shoulder. “You’re treating this whole thing as some kind of camping trip, where you can have arts and crafts and take naps and just be useless. Don’t you know that all of existence is at stake?”

“Funny how the girl that’s been dead for over a year can preach to us about pulling our share.” The shaded human smirks at you. “We’re all helping in our own way. If you want to stick around, _troll_ , then you should probably check your disposition before you end up in a wreaking position.”

Fuck. Did he just rhyme-insult you? Where the fuck does this asshole get off?

“Like you could kick me out if you tried, Strider 2.0.” You snap back. “You think you’re hot shit because you wear sunglasses and swing that sword around. Real original. _You_ ,” You point to each of the humans in turn. “Are replaceable. But there’s only one Vriska Serket.”

“Thank god.” Mutters the girl named Foxy.

Turning on your heel, you leave them then and ascend the staircase. You make it up about twenty or so flights of stairs before you flop yourself down on onto the hard, wooden steps. Grabbing great fistfuls of your hair, you pull as hard as you can until your eye begins to water.

The pain feels good. It reminds you that you’re alive. Kinda.

Wiping angrily at your eyes, you curse the shit out of your current position. There’s no respect for the likes of you, not from you so called _‘teammates’,_ not from your former friends, and not even from your own fucking prisoner.

After being murdered, brutally dumped, resurrected by a tyrannical maniac, fighting said maniac not once, but twice, and even coming up with the best possible plan to beat him… You’re still going to have to climb all these steps to John’s room, only to find him in the arms of someone else.

Yeah. Thank jegus that there’s only one Vriska Serket.

* * *

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are now Rose Lalonde.

You are currently uncomfortably wedged against the hard wall of John’s bedroom and John himself. Getting up to stretch your legs seems like the most appealing course of action possible, but that could of course risk rousing John by your movements and after his disturbing display earlier, you’re more than happy to let him sleep for as long as possible.

The words on the wall seem to mock you and your situation with their looming presence. Just like you were a prisoner to the Horrorterrors, John is a prisoner to his own mind. And just like he was there for you in your literal and metaphorical _darkest_ moment, so you shall be there for him.

 _The ring is a lie._ The wall claims, in a message just as cryptic and seemingly unhelpful as ever. Why is this message so important? Why must you consider it _worth_ consideration when it is surrounded with other messages denouncing John’s value as a person?

Should the nonsensical ramblings of a broken person weigh this heavily on your mind?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Your thoughts are broken when John beings to stir. His eyes flicker open and, due to your machinations, your face is the first thing he sees.

“Fuh. What time is it?” He asks, rubbing at his eyes under his glasses.

“Still night.” You answer with your own yawn. “How are you feeling?”

“A whole lot better.” He grins at you, causing his lip to stretch and ooze more blood again. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Downstairs,” You use this opportunity to shift into a more comfortable position. He does so as well, positioning himself by your side. “Vriska is interrogating our prisoner, Dirk and Roxy are working with Calliope, and everyone else is safe and sound for the time being.”

“Even Dave?”

“Even Dave.”

He exhales deeply and rubs the back of his neck. You watch him and wonder if he’ll tell you what happened, you wonder if he’ll mention anything about the writing on the wall, you wonder if he’ll open up to you at all.

He swallows hard.

“Do you, uh… want to move to the bed?” He asks sheepishly.

“My goodness, Mr. Egbert.” You put a scandalized hand to your chest. “If I were any less wiser, I’d say that you just attempted to entice me into coitus.”

John chuckles, grows incredibly red-faced, and apparently regrets every word that he’s ever said ever.

“Do you have to say _that_ word?” He asks.

“What? Coitus?”

“Ugh. Yeah. It sounds… dirty.”

“Worse than sex?”

He grimaces.

“That’s bad too.”

“Well, then. I am simply at a loss of how to succinctly describe _‘rattling each other’s bones’_ in a way that would appease you.”

“That’s not even what I was trying to initiate!” He exclaims, causing you to giggle quietly. “I was just thinking that this floor is really uncomfortable and you’ve been probably lying here a long time and I’m sorry and this is all my fault…”

“John.” You take his hand quickly, bringing him to a grinding halt. “I need you to take a deep breath, okay?” He does as you ask. “Now, look at the walls of your room. Do you notice anything that wasn’t there before?”

Once more, he does as you ask and looks at all four walls of the small room. Eventually his eyes return to you and you can immediately tell that he is on the verge of crying once more.

“No.” He sniffs. “I don’t see anything.”

“That’s what I thought.” You wrap your arms around him then. “It’s okay, John. None of this is your fault.”

“Yeah, but it feels like it is.” He twists his hands against the back of your robes. “Can- Can we got to the bed? To just lie there, I mean. I’m still really tired.”

“Yes. Of course.”

You stand up and help him to his feet. He clutches his side tenderly and moves with a pained stiffness that was not present earlier during his trance. You wonder if/hope that an accelerated healing factor is part of his god tier skill set. Otherwise, he might not be any shape to travel by morning.

The sheets are cold, but soft enough to justify the transition. You’ve just settled in once more by John’s side, sinking into his semi-comforting warmth, when the door suddenly bursts open. Groaning collectively, you and John both look to see that Vriska is now standing in the doorway. She examines the scene before her: you and John together in bed, the walls covered in derogatory graffiti, and a stark tension that seems to hang in the air like dust in an antiques shop.

Vriska opens her mouth, looks around the room again, and then just shakes her head.

“Come downstairs, John.” She says. “Snowman wants to talk to you.”

Then, like it’s nothing at all, she leaves, closing the door silently behind her.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means it’s time you did something right for once.

You and Rose descend through the house towards the ground floor. It isn’t easy going, with every fiber of your body aching and the steps slippery under the slick soles of your sneakers. More than once, you have to pause on a landing to catch your breath, whilst Rose waits patiently by your side.

“I feel old.” You admit. “Not like old wise man or anything, but just old-old. Does that make any sense? I feel like I should be eating dinner at two p.m. and going to bed at four, then eating cream of wheat the next morning.”

“You can be young and still enjoy a nice bowl of cream of wheat.” Your girlfriend responds with a small smile. “The soreness is coming from the severe bruising around your chest and abdomen. Whatever you and Dave ran into out there really did a number on the pair of you. Hmmm?”

“Heh.” You chuckle noncommittally.

You should tell her what happened between you and Dave, you know that you should. However, you don’t think that what transpired out there in the LOFAF snow is all that worthy of sharing. Perhaps it would be best if you and Dave took that particular scuffle to your grave. What happened out there, should stay out there.

Besides, you aren’t all that sure whether or not Dave would be comfortable with you telling anyone what happened and you are _not_ planning on getting on his bad side ever again.

When you do eventually reach the ground floor, it’s to find that everyone has gathered in the living room. Karkat, Terezi, and Dave sit on your old couch. The alphas occupy an armchair and a pair of kitchen chairs taken from… well, the kitchen. And lastly, Vriska stands in the corner once more, alone.

You make a bee-line towards Dave, but find your path quickly blocked by Roxy.

“Look who it is, Johnny!” She sings, shoving an old Speak N’ Spell towards you. “Say _‘hi’_ , Calliope.”

You’re about to ask Roxy what the fuck she’s talking about, until the toy beings to speak:

“I assume that I am being displayed to none other than John Egbert.” Calliope static-filled voice sounds a little exasperated. “It’s good to… I suppose hear from you again, John. Although I must admit that I am growing a little weary of all this show and tell.”

“Oh shit, Calliope.” You gently take the Speak N’ Spell from Roxy and examine it. “Are you alright?”

“I could be worse. You people have kept me alive, for what it’s worth, and I am grateful because of it.” Calliope heaves a horrible, garbled sigh. “I’m afraid your effort may be for naught though, as I have no proposed ideas for how to destroy Caliborn. He is simply too powerful.”

“Well…” Shit. You were really hoping Calliope would have _some_ ideas. “Well, that’s okay. As long as you’re okay. That’s all that matters. We’ll figure out something more permanent for you once all of this over.” You pass Calliope back to Roxy and look around the rest of the group. “In the meantime, I suppose I ask Snowman where Jack Noir is, huh?”

“That would probably be a good idea.” Karkat rolls his eyes. “Since, you know, it’s the only thing we can do at the fucking moment.”

“No need to swear, pal.”

“Fuck you.”

Grinning, you turn to Dave. He’s wearing new shades and gazing down at the floor with the distant sort of body posture typical of those who are either dead, brain dead, or practically dead. You feel an uncomfortable squirm in your gut.

No one else is going to die, you decide, even though… there’s little you can do to stop that.

“I could use some back up.” You rest your hands on your hips and keep your eyes focused on Dave. “I don’t know if I should talk to Snowman by myself.”

Everyone is silent and the only noise that can be heard is Terezi loudly breathing with the approximate force of an industrial wind tunnel. God, that troll girl has got to have some kind of sinus problem. Anyways, Dave looks up after a while and sets his shaded gaze upon yours.

“You sure you want me?” He asks.

“There’s no one else I’d rather have.” You declare. “No offense to any of you guys. You’re all really cool.”

Dave smirks and rises from his chair, moving just as tenderly as you. Turning to Rose you see your own silly grin reflected on her face and feel it’s warmth course through your veins, heating all the parts of you that previous felt ice cold.

Taking her by the arm, you lead her and Dave towards the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my buddy got himself a Wii U for christmas and let me tell you, there are some shit games out for that console. One of which is fucking Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric???? Which might just be the worst fucking game ever made. It hurt my love for Sega so bad, that I had to go out and track down a legit GOOD Sonic game to cleanse my palate. So I got Sonic Rush for my 2DS (which is a great hand-held console) and I'm having a blast with it, even though it's hard as shit. Sonic Rush, known for the first appearance of motherfucking Blaze the Cat, aka the most badass warrior princess ever. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	73. ACT 8 - PART 4

=> Be Dave Strider

You are Dave Strider. It’s about damn time.

You’re currently in the Land of Wind and Shade, undertaking probably the most important mission of your entire heroic career. Together, you and John had questioned Snowman about where Jack Noir might be hiding and for the most part, she was pretty compliant:

“No one is going to hurt you if you just help us out. I promise you that.” John had said firmly.

“And what of Jack?” Countered Snowman. “Will he go unpunished for his crimes?”

If you had a choice in the matter, of fucking course not. You’d rip that guy to shreds if you got the chance, for what he did to Bro, to John’s dad, to John and Rose themselves. Hell, even thinking about it now, you just want to smash something.

“Well…” John exhaled deeply and brushed a hand through his hair. He turned to you then. “I suppose _that_ depends on him.”

“If he tries anything, we’ll kill him.” You added, giving John a sharp nod.

“And if he’s helpful, then we’ll work out some kind of deal.” John knelt by Snowman’s side. “You understand why we’re doing this, right? Lord English needs to be stopped. You saw him.”

“I worked for him.” Replied Snowman. “What makes you think that you can trust me?”

“Because I don’t think you were all that into working for him in the first place. I think that you and, uh Dave’s Bro were kind of in the same boat.” John had cast you a nervous glance as he mentioned your late brother. “I think that you were probably only helping the Felt because they helped you and when Lord English came, he left you behind. You have no reason to betray us, not that I can think of at least.”

“You’re too trusting.” Snowman smirked. “Too optimistic.”

“Are you going to help us or not?” You asked, anxious to get to the point of all this.

Snowman had set her gaze upon you then and examined you from head to toe with the kind of infuriating scrutiny typical of Rose Lalonde and hungry, malicious wildcats. After that, she’d opened her mouth and decided to help.

And here you are now, trekking across LOWAS once more with Snowman and John in the lead, heading towards a destination just as mysterious and dangerous as the ones behind you. As Snowman leads you over the blue rocks and around oil rivers, you ponder all the different scenarios that could result from this plan.

One: You could die.

Two: Everyone _else_ could die.

Three: Literally everyone ever could die.

Or Four: Everything comes up Milhouse.

All of those possible futures hinge on one thing in your mind: whether or not Jack Noir decides to help you. And by looking at the past and the way things are now, it seems very unlikely that the black king will do anything other than try to gut you with his sword the instant that he sees you.

It’s not a pleasant thought.

You stare unabashedly at the back of John’s head as you walk, covertly musing under the protective cover of your shades. The short strife you had with your best bro on LOFAF seems like a bad dream almost. Only the physical wounds remain as a stark reminder of what took place now that he has done his best to extend the hand of friendship and forgiveness, which is up to you to accept.

And you will, since what have you got left if not your friends?

Not a whole lot.

“Hey.” Roxy’s voice draws you from your thoughts and you turn to find her smiling at you a little awkwardly. “How are you doing, D-Strides?”

“Fine.” You shrug. “I mean, about as fine as you can be considering all the shit piling up around us. How are you doing?”

“Same. I guess.” She chuckles, but then suddenly grows very serious. “Hey, there’s been something that I’ve wanted to tell you. You know how I’m the rouge of void, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that means that I can jump between the void and here.” Her eyes sparkle as she talks. “It isn’t easy and it’s pretty dangerous cos I could accidentally pop up anywhere when I try to jump back, but still it’s really fucking cool and…”

“Can you get the point? I don’t want to be rude,” You’re totally being rude. “But I’d like to be alone right now. You know? With my thoughts and the rippling darkness inside of me?”

“Oh yeah. I get that. Sorry.” She plays with a strand of her hair idly. “It’s just that… well, while I was in the void, I saw Jade.”

A blue rock comes out of fucking nowhere and trips you up. The toe of your shoe catches the stone and you stumble clumsily, as Roxy grabs your arm to steady you.

“I, er.” You swallow hard. Shit, it’s so fucking hot. It feels like you’re being baked inside of convection oven. Damn Rose and John for creating two suns. “H-How is she? Was she okay?”

“She seemed… at peace. That’s the best way I can describe it.” Roxy shrugs. “As soon as I showed up though, Lord English came after me. And after a very intense and, dare I say, _badass_ chase sequence, it was Jade and the rest of the dead players who fought Lord English long enough for me to escape.”

“They fought Lord English again? Are they okay? Did you see what happened? Can you go there now? Can you take me?!”

Your shouts draw the attention of nearly everyone. The whole group grinds to a halt to turn and look at you and Roxy curiously. The heat already beating down on your head and shoulders intensifies, causing sweat to pool on your back.

“What’s up?” John asks, looking between you and Lalonde 2.0.

“Nothing, just two pals bee-essing.” Roxy grins. “Carry on.”

Casting you a last weary glance, John shrugs and turns around once more. He gestures for Snowman to continue blazing the path ahead and as the group continues forward, Roxy turns back to you.

“I thought you were supposed to be the cool one.” She chuckles. “Try to keep it that way, and to answer your questions: Yes, I don’t know, No, I don’t think that’s a good idea, and of course not.”

“Fuck!” You growl. “Why did you tell me this shit if it’s completely unhelpful?”

“Because, I don’t know, I thought you’d just like to hear that your gf is semi-okay.” Roxy’s face droops. “I’m sorry about what happened, Dave. I really am.”

“Well anyone can be sorry about anything, but that won’t change a god-damn thing.” You watch Roxy’s face fall at you words, which you’ll admit, are a little dickish. She gives a small, dignified nod and then drifts away slowly, probably in search of better company. A squirm of guilt causes your stomach to roll. “Roxy,” You call her back and she turns. “Thanks anyways.”

She smiles, nods again, and begins talking animatedly with Jane, leaving you alone with your thoughts and the rippling darkness inside of you. And that’s okay, because it’s what you wanted, to be left alone.

At least for a little bit.

Both John and Rose jump you this time.

“Shit!” You curse as Lalonde prime appears on one side and John slides up on your other. “What? What do you want?”

“Easy, Strider. A reaction to our company such as that makes me think you’ve got something to hide.” Rose raises her eyebrows ever so slightly. “Although I can’t imagine, brother dearest, what that could possibly be.”

You shiver at her words. _Brother dearest_. Did she have to mention _brothers_ in a time like this? Shit. Everyone in this fucking group is out to get you, you know it.

John must sense your anxiety.

“I just wanna know if you’re alright, and Rose does too.” He adds quickly. “What were you and Roxy talking about? You don’t typically lose your cool like that. Haha.”

No. You don’t typically lose your cool like that, but then again, these aren’t typical situations that you keep finding yourself in. You honestly could care less about looking cool right now, and yeah, that’s a certain nonchalance that probably has Bro spinning in his grave.

“I’d rather not talk about it.” You admit.

“Roxy saw Jade in the void, didn’t she?” Rose prods.

Fucking shit. You cringe when Rose speaks like that, just blatantly open for once as she peels you apart like an over-ripe banana. John’s eyes widen at this realization and he looks to you with a hopeful curiosity. You return his gaze with a look that is supposed to convey just how much you _don’t_ want to talk about that particular subject right now.

Either by virtue of your shades or John curiosity, your pleading gaze fails.

“Did Roxy say that she was okay?” He asks.

“Why don’t you go fucking ask her yourself?”

“Now, David, that’s no way to talk to your friends.”

“Fuck you. Don’t call me _David_ either. It’s not fair that you know my full name and I don’t know yours.”

“Dave is obviously short for David. There wasn’t much guess work on my part.”

“Yeah. Well it’s still not fair.” You shove your hands into your pocket and stare forcefully at the ground, suddenly pissed at everything.

“I agree with Dave on this one.” John begins with a chuckle. “I don’t think you’re being very fair, _Melrose_.”

You snap your head up to look at Rose, finding a stunned look on her face, with her mouth agape and cheeks steadily becoming pinker. She’s flabbergasted that John would so casually toss about one of her greatest secrets.

“YOU’RE NAME IS FUCKING _MELROSE_???” You laugh for what feels like the first time in your life. “HOLY SHIT THAT’S- not nearly as bad as I thought it would be… I mean, for it to be such a damn secret, I thought it would have been something really awful or funny.”

“Melrose _is_ an awful name.” Rose snaps, sending scandalized glowers in John’s direction. The poor lad will probably pay for that later. “It’s derived from a Scottish town of the same name, famous for inventing _Rugby Sevens_ of all things. Where my mother got the idea I’ll never know.”

“I think it’s a lovely name!” Hollers Roxy from up ahead, as her and Jane struggle to hold in their giggles.

You are severely disappointed in the big reveal. You were hoping for some prime teasing material.

“Seriously though,” You huff. “I thought your name would be something really fucking stupid, like Bigtittyblowback Lalonde or something.”

“Really?” Rose’s eyebrows raise to dangerous levels, almost disappearing into her bangs. “You’re so mentally shaken that you’re now referring to your sister’s _breasts_ without so much as a care in the world?”

“Wait- what the fuck? No. No, that’s not what I mean at all.” You turn to John for help. “Tell her it was a fucking joke that had nothing to do with any brea- _body parts_ on her.”

John looks between you and Rose obviously torn, and decides to just shrug.

“Fuck.” You groan, as Rose giggles softly behind her hand. “I hate both of you.”

Except, not really.

It’s nearing nighttime by the time Snowman brings your group to a stop on the border of the Land of Light and Rain. From what you can see of the colorful water world, not much has changed. The blue rocks of LOWAS transition with unnatural smoothness into white sand and water, and in the distance, beyond a set of cliffs, you think you might be able to spot the top of a tower, like the turret of a castle.

“This is as far as I can track him.” Snowman explains. “His dark shroud shields this land and leaves our natural connection useless. There’s no denying that he is here though.”

“He wouldn’t be stupid enough to hide in his castle here though, would he?” John asks, pointing towards the peak of the castle in the distance. “That’s where we fought him before and sort of loss, but kind of won at the same time. A lot of people died too.”

“I think it would be foolish of us not to search there.” Rose points out. “Jack Noir abandoned his imp minions to follow us to the meteor, probably leaving them at the castle. Imagine a wounded and weak Jack Noir returning here and going to the last standing, if at the very least, safe place available to him. One that is still under his control as well.”

“If he was _hiding_ then he wouldn’t be living in the most gaudy, obvious place that’s literally just sitting right in the fucking open.” Karkat scoffs. “Trust me on this, we were hiding out on LOWAS for months when Jack Noir first came snooping around for us here. He’s definitely gone underground.”

“And took his whole imp army with him? Doubtful. We found imps in his castle on LOWAS, remember? That’s a sure sign that he’s holed up somewhere safe, if he has the capacity to send out scouting parties like that.”

“He wouldn’t _need_ scouting parties if he was somewhere safe.”

“Well we don’t have time to search every hole in the ground for that douchebag!” John interjects. “Right now, that castle is our best bet and we’re wasting time by arguing about it.” He waves for everyone to follow and then leads the way into LOLAR. “Let’s go.”

It’s slow moving, with the little pathways of sand and rock being intermittedly spaced with expanses of colorful water. Rose doesn’t look all that pleased to be back home, although she never looks all that pleased about anything honestly.

There are no pink turtle consorts or imps or anything else that could be used to classify this land as habitable. Your group makes no stops at Rose’s house, which you catch a glimpse of, situated elegantly on a cliff side with a glorious rainbow waterfall shimmering in the evening light.

Jade always liked LOLAR for it’s color. She would like to be here now.

Fuck. That’s a depressing thought. Think about something else, asshole.

You subconsciously tap your sword handle with your finger as you walk. Sixty taps then a pause, then another sixty, like a clock, over and over again for all eternity, never stopping or slowing down for anyone, let alone you. With each step your group takes, closer to the castle, your breath becomes more ragged, the heat more unbearable. You feel like your suffocating amongst the sand and sun and water.

A pair of rocky walls swallow you whole, narrowing the path down to a valley passage that will undoubtedly lead to the sandy clearing where Jack Noir is waiting. Images of the past flicker through your mind once more, the battle on LOLAR, Jade and nearly everyone else dying, leaving you alone, with yourself, to save everything.

You can’t do that here again, not just because your turntables are broken, but because mentally you can’t handle the stress. You need to tell John, you need to let him know that- HOLY FUCK THERE’S A SNIPER UP ON THE CLIFF!

“Get down!” You yell, grabbing the nearest person, Rose, by the arm and pulling her down to the ground.

A deafening _crack_ rings through the air and the rocky wall behind you explodes in a shower of dust. Everyone scatters, taking cover behind various rocks in the path or against the inside wall, out of the sniper’s line of sight.

You and Rose scramble behind a large boulder, taking shelter with a quivering Jane.

“Good eye, Strider.” Rose peeks over the edge of the boulder and pinpoints the shooter. “It’s an imp, one of Jack’s no doubt, sent here to guard the pass. There has to be more. We must proceed with caution.”

“Yeah. No shit.” Your heart feels like it’s going to punch up through your chest like a fucking face-hugger from alien. “Who has a gun? Does anyone have a gun?”

“I- I think Roxy left her’s on LOWAS.” Jane answer quickly. “And Jade...”

“Fuck! I know about Jade. Can all of you stop bringing her up?!”

“There’s no need for that, Dave. We’re in the same boat you are.” Rose draws her wands and twirls them betwixt her nimble fingers. “I think I may be able to lay down some cover. Dave, you need to get to John and have him fly up to deal with our new friend up there.”

“No. Fuck that.”

“Why not? It seems like a fair plan to me.”

“Nope. It’s a shit plan. You have shit plans, Lalonde.” You peek out behind to rock to see that John is crouched with Snowman nearby. “The second John starts flying, he’s going to be out of the open. It’ll be like Duck Hunt for that imp, except all the ducks are painted blue and like twenty times bigger than usual.”

“Which is why _I’ll_ be providing cover. Have you been listening to a single word I said?”

“It’s too dangerous.”

“I’m not seeing any other options.” Rose grabs you by the shoulder. “Try to leave your emotions out of this, Strider. Think objectively, think that if you don’t run out there, all of our hard work is for naught. Jade would…”

“Fuck! Alright, I’ll do it.” You slap away her hand, none too coolly. “Just don’t fucking touch me and don’t fucking use _her_ as some kind of fire-starter. It’s really damn unsettling.”

“You’re right. I apologize.”

“Good.” You crouch down, set your sight on John’s cover, and assume a sprinter’s stance. “If this doesn’t work out, I’m going to be really fucking pissed.”

“Noted. On your mark.”

“Go.” You push off the ground and sprint out from behind the protection of your boulder.

An electric _buzz_ crackles behind you as Rose lets loose with some spell or another. You can see John approaching quickly, the ground races beneath your feet. You’ve never run so fast, fucking Barry Allen has nothing on you. You are speed, you are grace, all that empowerment bullshit you see on inspirational posters.

You’re almost there, just a few more yards.

Something red-hot rips through your body and half a second later there’s another deafening _boom_ of gun being discharged. You twist wildly, spasming as if you’ve been struck by an electric jolt and fall to the sand.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means that you’re watching another friend die right before your very eyes.

Dave falls flat on his face a few feet away. A gaping hole has been ripped through his chest, nearly separating his top half from his lower one and leaving him gushing blood onto the sand like a cracked egg.

You’re frozen, staring at him. This has to be some kind of fucking joke right? Someone’s playing a really, really good prank on your right now that’s just so fucked up you can’t even begin to fathom.

Rose lets out an angry scream and a powerful blast of magic flies into the sky, striking the rocky cliff side that is harboring the imp sniper. The stone crumbles and falls away, raining rocks big and small into the narrow canyon and on top of your head.

Grabbing Snowman around the middle, you fly out of the downward path of a particularly large boulder that crushes the pitiful rock you were hiding behind not more than a second ago. The wind howls in your ears, but other than that everything else seems to be happening very far away. People are shouting and rocks are exploding against the ground. You just focus on the matter at hand, take Snowman to a clear patch of sand, and toss her away from you none too gently.

“Stay here.” You command and then turn, flying back into the horrible mess.

Immediately spotting Rose, you touch down by her side. The sand swirls around you on the breeze and she turns quickly, wands raised to strike only to find that it’s you.

“John.” She gasps. “Dave. Where’s Dave? Did you see…”

“I saw.” You begin to run further into the ravine and Rose follows. “Where’s Jane? We need to see if she can… bring him back.”

“I lost her when the rocks began to fall. John I’m… this is all my…”

“No! It’s not.” You come to a grinding halt, catching her by the arm. “Don’t think that.”

“But it is. I told him to run out there.”

“And you told that imp to shoot him too, did you?” You begun to run again, pulling her along. “If you want to play the blame game, we can trace all of this back to me and Lord English, but that’s nothing but a waste of time. We need to find Jane.”

Rose doesn’t respond, but allows you to pull her along by the arm almost like a child or a Rose-shaped luggage bag. Light dust fills the pass, obscuring everything not immediately three feet in front of you from view. You’ve almost reached full panic mode when a haggard group stumbles out of the dust.

It’s Karkat, Terezi, and Roxy, all unharmed for the most part.

“Oh thank fucking christ.” Roxy rushes up and hugs both you and Rose quickly. “Are you alright? What the hell happened?”

“Rose killed that imp and also accidentally caused a tiny landslide.” You answer before Rose can. “Have you seen anyone else?”

“Nope.”

“If there are more imps in the castle, then they probably heard that _‘accidental_ ’landslide.” Karkat adds, with appropriate finger quotes. “If we don’t get out of here, we’re going to be power-bombed by a bunch of those little fucks.”

“We’re this close to the castle. No matter how many imps there are, we’ll get through them.” You point back in the direction you came. “Rose and I will keep looking for Dirk and Jane; you guys go back and watch Snowman, just make sure that she doesn’t run off or anything. We still need her.”

“Then why the fuck did you leave her alone? Jegus!” Karkat and Terezi hobble off, leaving Roxy behind.

“I’ll stay with you guys.” Roxy says. “You could use my help.”

“Alright. Fine. Whatever. Let’s just go.” You lead Rose and Roxy deeper into the canyon, whilst Karkat and Terezi disappear to find Snowman.

You really hope that you didn’t make some mistake by leaving the former black queen alone. It seemed like a good idea at the time, considering that you would be able to find your friends quicker without having to drag her around. Oh well, you sure it will be fine. You’re real sick and tired of your decisions coming back to bite you in the ass.

The sounds of a scuffle ahead urge your forward and as the dust begins to clear, Dirk and Jane come into sight, along with the dozen or so imps that they’re currently fighting.

**STRIFE!**

Leaping into the fray, you pound an imp into a black stain with your hammer. Rose melts a couple with her spells and all the rest are quickly dispatched with either more swings of your hammer, slashes from Dirk’s sword, or rude pokes from Jane’s fork.

You sort of want to call her weapon a trident, but then again, it really does look more like a fork than anything else. Also, the Condense was infamous for using a double-sided trident and Jane probably wants to have as little in common with her great-grandmother as possible.

You don’t blame her. The Condense was sort of a bitch.

The final imp charges at you with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

“Take this you blue sonovabitch!” He yells, raising his weapon to strike you. However, no sooner are the words out of his mouth, then a flash of light flies over your head to strike the imp in the forehead, killing him instantly.

You turn to find Vriska confidently striding towards you, juggling her dice in the palm of her hand.

“Vriska! You’re alright!”

“Well, duh.” She punches you in the arm in what you guess is supposed to be an act of affection, but really just makes your limb numb. “Frankly I’m a little disappointed that you would ever think otherwise.”

“Well you did die once before…”

“That was a cheap shot!” Vriska flicks her hair over her shoulder. “Where’s everyone else? Don’t tell me they didn’t make it.”

“Karkat and Terezi should be with Snowman.” Rose answers, moving to stand by your side. “And Dave is dead.”

Dirk gives a little start.

“What?” He demands. “Are you serious? Where?”

“This way.” You lunge forward and grab Jane by the wrist, before dragging her bodily backwards. Rose, Dirk, Roxy, and Vriska follow. “It’s time to put your lifey powers to the test here, Jane. Karkat said that you should be able to resurrect people. You have to try on Dave.”

“John- I don’t know if…”

“You have to try, Jane!” You tug her a little harder than necessary towards where you last saw your best friend. “He was right here…”

The red spot where Dave had fallen is now covered with a large amount of crushed rocks and boulders and sand. You can see no sign of your friend, other than the blood seeping out between the stones.

“Oh god.” Jane claps a hand over her mouth. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Help me with these rocks.”

“John.”

“Fuck. They’re heavy. Hand me your spoon-thingy.

“John.

“We’re wasting time! Why the fuck aren’t you helping me?”

“John!” Rose’s voice is like a slap in the face.

Perched on some of the smaller rocks, you turn around to see your girlfriend, flanked by Vriska, Dirk, Jane, Roxy, and even Karkat and Terezi with a bored-looking Snowman, all just standing there and just watching you. None of them move or speak, save for Rose who’s shoulder are beginning to tremble.

You drop the rock you’re holding and clamber down the pile to stand in front of her. Pulling Rose into your arms, you tuck her head under your chest and rock her gently, awkwardly, and slowly as she cries softly, because she thinks that this is all her fault, because she thinks that it’s over now, and that she’ll never see her two friends ever again.

Man, fuck this game.

As Rose presses her forehead into your collar bone with an almost painful amount of force, you look around at the rest of the group. You wait for one of them to say something, anything that you could possibly use to drive this group forward. You wait for one of them to offer up themselves as leader, since you’ve never really been cut out for the job anyways.

No one speaks though, save for Vriska:

“There’s plenty more Dave’s where that came from.” She pretends to check her watch, which does not exist. “I’d say that we have about thirty seconds until more imps show up. What’s the plan, Egbert?”

Rose pulls away from you with red, streaming eyes and glares daggers at Vriska.

“I’ve had just about enough of you, Vriska.” She snaps. “My brother is dead! And if you don’t give two shits, then fine. Just keep your fucking mouth shut!”

“One of has to be a realist here, _missy_. He’s in the void now with how ever many other Dave’s are left, plus his silly little dog girlfriend. So stop your blubbering and get over yourself. He’s _fine_.”

“Shut up!” Drawing her wands, Rose leaps at Vriska just as the troll girl pulls her dice.

You quickly move to stop the fight, but it’s much too late… Roxy seizes her daughtermom around the middle and pulls her back, whilst Terezi leaps up behind Vriska and holds her cane sword to the other troll girl’s throat.

“Get off of me!” Both would-be combatants yell simultaneously as they struggle against their respective captors.

“Not until you both agree that fighting each other is stupid and pointless.” You move to stand between the two of them. “Listen, Vriska is sort of right, Rose. If we beat Lord English and get his scepter then we can open a portal to the void and save our friends, right?”

“That’s how it works for him, at least.” Adds Roxy, still holding Rose tightly to her chest.

“She killed all the Dave’s already in the void!” Rose gives a tiny kick in the direction of Vriska. “I know she did! And she called Jade ‘ _silly’._ I’ll kill her!”

“No you won’t, Rose.”

“Because you won’t let me! You’re soft on her, after everything she’s done, you’re still too attatached and blinded by your affections to know that she’s evil!”

“Vriska isn’t evil, Rose. Just stop this.” You grab her by the shoulders, aiding Roxy in keeping her under control. “Look at me. You’ve got to stay focused.”

“How? After everything that’s happened, how the fuck can you still say that?! Jade and Dave and then everyone else. I can’t keep doing this!” She slumps in Roxy’s arms then, falling back weakly. “I can’t keep this up anymore. It- It’s too much.”

You tighten you grip on Rose, holding her upright together with Roxy. The human girl has gone limp. You would have thought that she’d fainted except for the fact that both of her purple eyes are wide open and staring at you with an odd combination of pleading and sadness.

You look to Roxy for help, but she seems just as clueless as you are. There is nothing that you can think of to say to Rose right now that could possibly have any sort of positive impact. It’s as if your mind has gone blank.

“Do- Do you remember… what you told me after I got back from that alternate dimension?” You begin hastily, making shit up as you go. “You said that what makes a hero a hero isn’t their immunity to errors, but their ability to stand up once they’ve hit rock bottom. That’s where you are right now, where all of us are, but we’ve… got to stand up. You know that. Right, Rose?”

She looks up at you with a blank expression, opening her mouth as if to say something and then closing it again. She looks a little bit like a suffocating fish, not that you’d ever admit that out loud. The last thing Rose needs to hear is that she looks like a fish. Eventually, her words do not return and she closes her mouth, then nods slowly.

Roxy releases her and you allow Rose to stand on her own two feet, not without keeping her hand on her shoulder though.

“Get off!” Vriska shoves Terezi away from her and then rubs at the spot on her neck where the cane sword had nicked her. “Gog-damn. What’s wrong with your people? It’s not like I actually would have fought her.”

“We’re not going to take any chances with that.” Dirk folds his arms. “I’d watch my tongue if I were you from now on, troll.”

“Sure. Whatever you say, _human_.”

“Stop it, both of you.” You look deeper into the canyon, towards Jack Noir’s castle. Imps are filing through the rocky opening, some armed with rifles and swords, all coming to kill you. You heft your hammer. “Come on. Let’s go find Jack Noir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck? 400,000+ words? That's almost half a million words of utter nonsense. Why the fuck... I cant even...
> 
> WHATEVER.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	74. ACT 8 - PART 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Chillin and arising demon for comment.

=> Be Karkat Vantas

You are Karkat Vantas. And a strong sense of déjà vu is currently turning your insides into jelly.

The small pass where Dave Strider died (you’ll get to that later) opens out onto a familiar field. Deep craters pock-mark the sandy grounds all the way up to the castle gates, where apparently hundred of imps are pouring out to meet you.

It’s not the imps or the looming castle that give you the willies. It’s the holes in the grounds where landmines used to be buried, ringed with troll and human blood, dried into stains by the heat of the two suns. Aradia, John, and Jade died here, along with a lot of fucking Dave’s.

Luckily all the red-suited and shaded corpses seem to have been removed. If there’s one thing you can complement Jack Noir on, it’s his cleanliness.

Speaking of dead Dave’s, there’s currently one, shot, crushed, and broken about thirty yards behind you. You’re glad not to have seen Dave fall, as the sight probably would have locked up your joints like immovable vices, sort of like your robo-leg sometimes seizes up for no apparent reason. Damn you Dirk Strider and your shitty robotic skills!

“Form a line.” John commands the group and everyone does as they’re told, facing off against the imp army. “Karkat, you should stay with Snowman to keep her safe, okay?”

Just fucking great. Babysitting duty.

It could be worse, you suppose. You could be on the front lines, risking your life against a bunch of black-skinned demons. You don’t trust your robo-leg enough to hold you through a fight and John must be thinking the same.

As long as Terezi and the rest of your friends make it through this alive, then you’ll be happy. That’s right, _happy_ , the oh-so sacred word that could not be used in the same sentence as your name for the longest time. That is, if the phrase _‘is never’_ weren’t between them.

You just want everyone to make it out okay. Well… you could probably do without Vriska. That’s to say you wouldn’t be heartbroken if something terrible happened to her. It would be one of those times where you’d probably just shrug, keep on walking, and think about something else. Kind of like how you treated Dave Strider.

Emphasis on the _kind of_.

Are you going to miss the guy? Honestly, yeah, a little bit. Any more than you miss Jade? Probably not. As much as you’d like to pretend that these humans are pointless, lame, and all around useless, you’ve found it harder and harder in the recent months to just swap them around interchangeably.

If that makes any sense. Fuck, it doesn’t.

You aren’t like that. You don’t know what you’re trying to say. Gog-damn it’s hard to get your thoughts straight in a time like this.

The group clashes with the imps and begins mowing them down to nothing but puddles of black ooze. Grabbing Snowman by the arm and clutching a scythe in your other hand, you lurch behind your friends as they slowly work their way towards the castle.  It’s tough work, since as soon as one imp falls, like half a dozen more jump up to take it’s place, and so on and so on until everything is a messy jumble of screeching imps and black blood.

“Welcome to the _death_ fields, motherfuckers!” Cries one imp as he leaps over Jane and swipes at you with a switchblade.

Rose incinerates him with a well-aimed spell before he even gets close to causing you or Snowman harm. It’s enough to bring you out of your thoughts though and remind you of the situation at hand, specifically how fucking crazy it is.

Let’s say that Jack Noir is waiting for you in this castle, what then? He’s not going to help your group out of the kindness of his heart. That _monster_ is responsible for the majority of deaths in your group, at least you think so. You aren’t about to count them out right now. It’s much too depressing.

“Almost there!” John clears a path through the imps with a powerful flurry of wind. “Come on, guys.”

Shoving Snowman ahead of you, you follow John’s lead up to the main gates of the castle. Imps are still throwing themselves at you willy-nilly, but their numbers are beginning to thin. Victory seems to be in sight and you’re almost there, when the doors suddenly burst open and out steps Jack Noir himself.

His wings are missing, along with the wolfish features that used to make him truly the creature of nightmares. Two beady, little black eyes and a gash of a mouth characterize his egg-shaped head and a dark suit covers his midnight-black skin. Without the ring of power, he’s obviously a shadow of the threat he once was, but the new, clawed, robotic arm and razor-sharp blade in his fist could still pose a small problem.

He raises his sword in the air and you brace for an attack. However, the instant his blade points towards the sun, all of the imps cease their fighting and back away from your group, forming a loose circle around you, your friends, and Jack Noir.

Breathing heavily from all the fighting, John grips his hammer tightly and glares at Jack Noir with unrestrained hatred. The former black king is unphased; in fact, he completely ignores John as he sets his sights on Snowman. He opens his mouth unnaturally wide and speaks in a voice like dripping, creeping oil.

“My queen.” He bows low, tucking his sword under his arm.

Snowman tugs out of your grip and approaches Jack Noir. No one moves to stop her, as she walks right up to him and slugs him right in the nose, knocking the former black king onto his royal ass.

“You are a fool and a traitor.” Spits Snowman. “Due to your pride and your inability to follow the laws bestowed upon us, you may have doomed all of existence. I hope you’re happy… dick.”

Rubbing his sore nose, Jack Noir climbs slowly to his feet.

“You are alive?” He asks.

“Quite obviously. Despite your best efforts.”

“I tried to win.”

“And you failed.” Snowman turns and motions for John. “These players have come for you.”

“To kill me.”

“No. They require your help.”

John moves to stand beside Snowman, facing Jack Noir. The human is still quivering with barely suppressed anger as he stares down his former mortal enemy. In all of his adventures, Egbert probably never guessed that he’d end up back here, in a situation like this. You wouldn’t have bet money on it either.

“Help.” Jack Noir repeats, with what could probably pass off as a smirk. “What help?”

“I’ll get to that in a second.” John says firmly. “First, tell your imps to go back inside the castle and not come out again.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ll kill you if you don’t.”

“You will not.”

Jack Noir’s clipped answers and outright defiance must set John off, as he grinds his teeth dangerously.

“Listen to me, douchebag.” Egbert seethes. “Thanks to one of your fucking imps another one of my friends is dead. I’m angry and I don’t like it and… and I don’t know what’s going to happen next.” He grips his hammer tightly. “There isn’t a whole lot that I _wouldn’t_ do right now. Keep pushing me if you want, _Jack Noir_ , but I guarantee that you aren’t going to like the way things turn out.”

A horrible, gurgling noise ripples from Jack Noir’s throat. You could almost call it a laugh, only if you’d never heard genuine laughter before.

“You are weak.” Grins Jack Noir. “Your threats are weak.”

Vriska suddenly marches forward, right up to Jack Noir, and socks him right in the jaw, knocking him to the ground once more.

“Mine aren’t. I’ll kill you in a heartbeat.” She growls as she stands above the villain. “Do as he says, _now_.”

All traces of humor are gone from Jack Noir’s face and for a second, you’re afraid that he’s going to attack and sic his army of little imps on your group again. However, when he climbs to his feet, he waves his hand towards the castle and all of the imps obediently file inside, like a procession of murderous robots.

It takes a while for them all to head inside, on account of how fucking many of them there are, and John, Vriska, Snowman, and Jack Noir just spend the next few minutes in a really uncomfortable stalemate that’s just as awkward and uncomfortable as it is tense and volatile.

Eventually the last imp disappears inside and closes the gates behind him. Only then does Jack Noir speak.

“What help?” He repeats.

“We need you to take us through the seven gates.” John says plainly. “We need the White King’s help to defeat Lord English.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean _‘why’_? So we can save the universe and beat the game, of course.”

“Why should I help you?” Jack Noir clarifies.

“Because if we don’t stop Lord English, he’ll destroy everything.” John explains. “That includes you, all your imps, the lands, pretty much everything. If you help us get through the seven gates, then…” John takes a deep breath and continues. “Then we promise that we won’t hurt you.”

Jack Noir grimaces, obviously untrusting of John’s words. You don’t blame the douchebag for being suspicious. If your old enemy showed up after you killed all of his friends and extended the hand of friendship, you’d probably be a little paranoid too.

Jack Noir turns to Vriska.

“She cannot be trusted.” He snarls.

“Yeah, well she listens to me.” John interjects before Vriska can respond. She shoots him a pointed look, which he blatantly ignores. “You don’t even have to come with us. All you need to do is tell us how you got through the gates.”

“You will need me.” Jack Noir says. “I know the secret.”

“So you’ll help us?”

Jack Noir looks to Snowman. The former black queen tips her hat and gives a small nod. Something about that must be really fucking funny, because Jack Noir suddenly breaks into one of the widest grins you ever did see.

“I will help.” Says Jack Noir. “If you let us live.”

John nods slowly, but exchanges a nervous glance with Vriska all the same. You know what he’s thinking, call it the leadership connection or just flat our common sense, but there’s little to no chance that Jack Noir is going to be anything close to resembling trustworthy. Chances are, he’ll turn on you guys as soon as he can.

However, John extends his hand regardless and Jack Noir responds in kind, grasping the human’s hand firmly with his powerful, robotic digits. Yeah, Jack Noir is untrustworthy, but you outnumber him and Snowman almost four to one and after everything you’ve been through, you are (dare you say it) semi-confident that you can handle most things thrown your way.

And thus, John agrees to work with Jack Noir. Fucking great.

“So this is going to work out fantastic, right? Hehe.” Terezi slings an arm around your shoulders. “I’m surprised you’re standing here so calmly, Nubs.”

“What do you want me to do? Run up there and declare this union unholy?” You shake your head. “This is why we came, isn’t it? And John… Shit. I don’t know how I feel about admitting this, but I think John is, uh… doing his best?”

It’s not supposed to be a question, but it comes out that way. Terezi laughs again.

“Oh, Karkat, you big ol’ softy.” She giggles. “I think that’s the closest you’ve ever come to admitting outright love for someone.”

“Yeah, whatever.” You fold you arms and watch as John, with assistance from the much more level-headed Rose, continues to converse with Jack Noir. “Don’t go telling people that though. I’ve got a reputation to keep up, you know that.”

“Yeah, yeah, Karkat. I know.”

* * *

=> Vriska Serket

You are now Vriska Serket. You’re pretty okay with the current situation, despite the company you’re currently traveling with. This was _your_ plan, after all.

Sure, there isn’t a lot you wouldn’t give to beat Jack Noir to death with your bare fists, but with your options limited and your time scarce, you’ll swallow that pill along with all the other ones that have been forced down your throat recently.

As you and everyone else travels across LOLAR once more, it becomes heavily apparent that morale is at an all time fucking low. The little skirmish with the Felt left everyone, with the exception of you, a little frazzled and bruised, the more recent death of Dave Strider was shocking to say the least, although negligible considering how many Dave’s you’ve seen kick the bucket in your pirating career. You can understand why everyone else is a little upset by it though. Last but not least, the recent addition of Jack Noir to your adventuring crew seems almost like the final straw.

No one is smiling, no one is talking, everything just seems dreary and slow, as if you’re all trapped in the same stress-induced fever nightmare. Rose Lalonde, who feels rightly responsible for Dave Strider’s death, shuffles along by her alternate universe mother’s side. You wish they wouldn’t stand so close together, since it’s hard to tell those two human girls apart as it is, let alone when both of their names start with a fucking ‘R’.

Hell, you’d never say this aloud, but now that Dave is dead, at least you can tell him apart from the other one: Dirk, or whatever his name is.

Speaking of Dirk, he, Terezi, and Jane are busying themselves by keeping a close eye on Jack Noir, your new prisoner/guide. Snowman had opted to stay with all of the imps back at the castle and no one had argued to keep her around, since she wasn’t very good company nor a very useful ally.  

According to Jack Noir, who speaks in short, clipped sentences, the path through the seven gates lies in the very center of the medium, where all eight lands intersect at a single point, and can only be opened by him and him alone. Whether or not you can trust his information is a coin toss in your book, but it’s all you have to go on for the moment, so you’ll take it.

As the sun begins to set, John brings the group to a stop on a sandy beach near one of the many colorful seas.

“We’ll just take a break for a few hours and then be on our way again.” He proclaims, with forced cheeriness. “Take a nap if you want, whatever, just don’t stray too far, okay?”

Everyone, Jack Noir included, plops down onto the sand and just looks at each other with the same, empty expressions. They don’t have anything worthwhile to say to one another, not anymore, and you have no desire to stay here and watch them stew in their depression.

Out of spite to John’s commands, you begin to hike away from the group. You climb a sandy hill and make your way towards no place in particular, just away.

Before, a long time ago, before you met John or died or murdered your friends, you used to hate it when things were _‘quiet’_. You craved the excitement of the world, the noise, the shouts and yells and heat of it all. When things were quiet, you would lay alone in your recooprecoon and just _think_ , you know?

You’d think about death and all sorts of dreadful things that a child shouldn’t think of in their free time. You hated the silence. Then you entered the game and there was nothing except noise and death and friendship and love. Then you died and then there was silence again, a blessed silence that you’d never experienced, punctuated by a little fun and visits from John and maybe a little role-play towards the end there.

And now here you are, back amongst the living, where the noise of battle returned full force, accompanied by death until now when there’s nothing again. Your whole life is a fucking rollercoaster of highs and lows, utter shit and _‘not really all that bad’_ shit.

You walk alone, through the white sand and light rain, in complete silence until…

“Vriska.”

Your name, with the sound of clumsy footsteps on the sand, pulls a groan from your lips and coerces you to turn around. Your eyes immediately fall upon John and your heart gives an uncomfortable flip before you see that Karkat is also lumbering along by his side. Rolling your eyes half-heartedly, you lean against a nearby rock and wait for them to catch up.

“Fucking stupid piece of shit.” Karkat grumbles, as he flops himself onto the stout rock and angrily shakes his prosthetic leg. “This thing doesn’t work for shit. Half the time I feel like I’m dragging around a dead snake or something.”

“If you don’t want it, Karkat, I could always cut it off for you.” You offer.

“Eh, that’s actually a little tempting. I’ll consider it.”

As your former leader curses quietly at his robotic limb, you look to John. Your former Matesprit seems a little nervous, as he chews his lip and stares at you with anxious eyes. You meet his gaze easily, studying the bright, blue pupils. He wants something from you, that’s easy enough to see.

He was never good at hiding his emotions.

“What do you want, Egbert?” You ask, wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.

“Where are you heading?” He counters.

“I’m just taking a little walk. What? Am I not _allowed_ to stretch my legs? Perhaps I should have waited for you to give me permission, right? Is that what you want?”

You may come off as a little aggressive and you fully expect John to bite back. However, if anything, he appears to be a little guilty.

“You can do whatever you want, Vriska.” His shoulders slump further, which is surprising, considering how low they already were. “I just said that I was your leader back there so that Jack Noir would come with us. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I know.” And you do. It just felt good to lash out at someone again. “It’s whatever. I could care less whether or not you think you’re the boss of me or not, as long as we’re heading in the right direction.”

“Yeah, but what are the odds of that?” Karkat rests his elbows no his knees and speaks to the ground. “Jack Noir’s probably leading us towards our death right now and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.”

“Yeah.” John agrees with a long exhalation of breath. He runs his hand through his hair and rubs the back of his neck. “That’s sort of what me and Karkat wanted to talk to you about, Vriska.”

“So there is a reason you come after me. Not just looking out for your old Matesprit, are you? Haha.” You laugh shrilly.

“We need your help.”

“I’m already on your team, Egbert.”

“Well, yeah, but other than that.” He sighs and rubs at his neck again. You can tell that he’s struggling with something and it’s very painful to watch him stumble over his words. “In the off chance th- that Jack Noir isn’t necessarily telling the truth…” John stares into your eyes with an almost painful intensity. “Then I want to know if you’d be possibly interested in maybe…”

“We need you to kill Jack Noir.” Karkat snaps. “Fuck. Just spit it out Egbert. It isn’t that hard.”

“Well, duh.” You roll your eyes. “If Jack Noir double crosses us, of course I’ll kick his ass. That’s a given. Why are we even having this conversation?”

“It’s not just that.” John says quickly. “We sort of want to know if you’ll do it regardless.”

“Regardless of what?”

“Just… Fuck! Why is this so hard?” He throws his hands into the air. “God. Okay, listen. No matter what happens when we reach the seven gates, after Jack Noir opens them, I need you to kill him.”

“Oh.” The exclamation is out of your mouth before you can stop it.

John wants to double cross Jack Noir and he wants _you_ to be the one to pull the metaphorical trigger. Huh, it’s almost funny. You never pegged John as the type to play his cards under the table like this. Hell, you’re so used to Egbert being so painfully open and honest that it’s near infuriating. This kind of plot is so underhanded and unexpected, it’s almost a little disturbing.

From you, that’s saying a lot.

“So. You want me to do your dirty work, huh?” You fold your arms.

“What? No. It’s not…”

“No. That’s exactly what this is.” You look between John and Karkat quickly, piecing together the parts of the puzzle to form the full picture. “We need someone to take out the trash. Oh, I know! Let’s get good ol’ Vriska Serket to do it. She’ll kill anyone as long as you point her in the right direction!” You mock.

“Told you she’d bitch us out like this.” Karkat gives John a pointed look.

“I’m not bitching out.” You snarl. “I’m just not going to put up with this bullshit.” You jab a firm finger into John’s chest. “You know, for such a _nice_ guy, you sure aren’t afraid to tell someone else to play the bad guy. Why don’t you get your own hands dirty for a change, you big fucking pansy?”

John’s face falls and you can tell that your words have stung him. However, instead of biting back, he just nods and speaks calmly:

“I know how this looks, but please listen to me, Vriska. If you don’t want to do this, that’s fine. I’ll do it. It’s just that I know that you’ll be able to handle him better than most anyone. Everyone has a job to do and I just thought that you wouldn’t mind if this was yours.” He gestures vaguely back to the rest of the group. “Everyone’s in danger as long as he’s around. Even without the ring he could still hurt someone, so he’s too dangerous to be left alive.”

Hmmm. Well, when he puts it like that. You sort of _are_ the best fighter in the group, after all. If anyone could take down Jack Noir, it would probably be you.

“Who else knows about your plan?” You ask, buying yourself more time to decide.

“Just you, me, and Karkat.”

“Oh, wow!” You grin. “I’m being included in the leadership ring, the power triangle, the inner circle, whatever the fuck you call it. I’m soooooooo honored.”

“Fuck! Forget we even asked you, bitch.” Karkat flaps his hands at you, as if he’s swatting away an annoying fly. “I told you that this was a shitty idea, John. We can’t trust her.”

“I trust her.” John says immediately.

“Why?” Karkat demands. “You know first-hand how manipulative and evil she is.”

“Dude, you know I’m standing right here, right?”

“I know full well, Serket. Trust me, I’m fully aware of your presence.” Karkat turns back to John. “Answer my question, Egbert.”

John shifts nervously. You know that he dislikes being put on the spot like this, but you’re honestly curious to know his answer as well. What reason does John have to trust you with anything? You weren’t that nice of a Matesprit, you potently _hate_ all his friends, particularly his current girlfriend, and your reputation as a murderess alone should raise like a dozen red flags. Nevertheless…

“I trust her because…” John’s eyes rove all over, the ground, the sky, as if the land of LOLAR itself might hold the answer. Eventually his eyes fall on his own chest and he grabs his shirt. “Because, she gave me this! She made me god tier.”

“She murdered you, big whop.”

“And she also gave me this Alchemiter code that I used to make a new hammer and this really sweet rocket-car that I sort of crashed, but it was still really useful.” And before you know it, John Egbert is all but singing your praises. “Also she taught me how to fight and trained me to be a better leader. Vriska may be a little mean sometimes and hard to get along with, but I think she has a good heart deep down, maybe. So yeah, I think I can trust her.”

Well, gog-dammit.

You honestly don’t know what to say to that.

“Those are shit reasons.” Karkat sighs. “But whatever. You’re the leader now. If you want to make bad decisions, go ahead. I’ll just do whatever I can to pick up the pieces.”

“Thanks, Karkat.”

“Whatever. Fuck you.”

Climbing to his feet, Karkat shambles away again on his stupid, dumb leg. You and John follow a few paces behind.

“So… uh,” He begins after a moment. “How are you feeling about…”

“I’ll do it.” You answer quickly. You’d rather avoid the whole awkward request thing again. “I’ll kill Jack Noir as soon as the time is right.”

“Thanks, Vriska.” John flashes a genuine smile. “That’s really nice of you and brave too and a whole bunch of other things that I’d like to list, but would take too long, so…”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

You walk in silence for a while, until you crest the sandy hill to find the rest of the group to still be waiting down below.

“Hey, John.” You whisper to him. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For, you know…” You flutter your hand noncommittally. “Trusting me.”

He smiles again.

“No problem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently started watching "Sonic Boom" which is the new Sonic the Hedgehog TV Show, and let me tell you guys, I'll give it a solid ten out of fifteen stars. All of the new character re-designs are stupid and dumb, except for maybe Amy and Tails. Sonic has a bandanna, Knuckles looks like an asshole, and both those guys are absolutely coated in copious amounts of white sports tape. However, that aside, the rest of the show is pretty cool! Amy is actually a fully fleshed-out character. The writing is funny and smart, the animation is really awesome, and even the new character (Sticks the Badger) is only moderately annoying! Nowadays when cartoons are loud, obnoxious, and annoying just for the sake of being loud, obnoxious, and annoying Sonic Boom is pretty well-paced and all-around entertaining. Plus, there's plenty of Sonamy to go around ;)
> 
> You can find the episodes online if you want. I'd recommend it if your a fan of the characters.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	75. ACT 8 - PART 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to arkaunn and Dakin for commenting.

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are Jane Crocker. The enemy of my enemy is sort of my part-time companion.

Or at least that’s how you twist that age-old adage to fit your current situation. You don’t think there’s any chance in hell that you’ll ever consider Jack Noir anything close to resembling your friend. Now, don’t get yourself wrong, you’re the type of person who strives to meet strangers without prejudice. It’s just that there are so many horrible stories surrounding the guy, you just can’t help but feel biased.

He kidnapped John’s dad, Rose’s mom, Jade’s grandpa, and Dave’s brother. He murdered John’s dad, John, and Rose. He brainwashed Dave’s brother and sent him out to kill everyone. He stole the Scratch, stashed it away in his well-protected castle, murdered a lot of Dave’s, followed all your friends to the meteor, where he cut off Karkat’s leg and tried to kill everyone, _again_.

There’s a lot of other stuff too that you’re sure he did, evil things that will probably haunt whoever gets out of this mess alive for the rest of… well, forever. And yet here Jack Noir is, sitting across from you in this circle, like everyone’s on some big ol’ camping trip and you’ll about to roast weenies or something.

John, Karkat, and Vriska went off somewhere to do something, you don’t know what. They’re probably discussing important leadership things, the likes of which you neither know nor wish to know as long as it doesn’t involve you.

What the fuck were you thinking? How childish of you to consider yourself anything like a leader? You haven’t even done anything yet and just by looking around, you can tell that everything going on is just way, waaaay, out of your league.

You could rehash the recent events like a broken record. Dave, Jade, Kanaya, all of that shit. But what would that accomplish? Nothing really, besides depressing you into a fog of unimaginable sadness and trapping you in a stupor of misery.

Just look at Rose.

You do and she’s sitting with her back to the rest of the group, staring out over the colored water to where a light rain falls in the distance. Her hair is messy, her beautiful robes are covered in oil, blood, and dust, and she just looks like the antithesis of everything you once expected from the brilliant seer of light.

You should go comfort her. If there’s anything that you’re good at, it’s dealing with loss: no mother from birth, a dead dad, a rotten great-grandmother, a lost world…

You understand what she’s going through, maybe. Dave was your friend too.

You’re halfway out of the sand when you see that Roxy is already making her way over there. She sits down by Rose’s side and gently wraps her arms around her, coaxing Rose to lean over and rest her head on the other girl’s shoulder.

You retake your seat in the sand.

“Fuck. It’s cold as dicks out here, huh?” Dirk slides smoothly to your side.

“I guess.” Now that you think about it. It is pretty damn cold.

The wind tugs and nudges, like the soft lapping of the waves on a beach. At the same time, a formation of birds flies overhead, heading back the way you’d come towards LOWAS. Hmmm. You’ve never seen birds before in the medium. You wonder what kind they are or which land they belong to.

Not any of the alpha lands. Everything there is dead.

“How are you holding up, Crocker?”

“I thought I told you not to call me that.”

Dirk snorts a harsh laugh and it takes you off guard. You’ve never heard him laugh at anything before, especially not at anything you’ve said. For the first time, you turn to look at him. His normally perfectly spiked hair is wilted and, in short, he looks just about as haggard as everyone else.

You still have to appreciate his regal god tier duds though. To channel the late Jake English: Dirk sure does look smashing!

“Yeah, sorry.” He scratches at his scalp. “I forget that you’ve denounced your blood-ridden heritage sometimes.”

“Wouldn’t you want nothing to do with that _woman_ too?”

“Of course.”

He watches you for a moment and you feel uncomfortable under his shaded gaze. You wish that you could see his eyes.

“Be honest with me, Dirk.” You shift in the sand to face him fully. “When you look at me, do you see _her_?”

A smirk quirks his lip in the tiniest of ways.

“Well, if you want perfect honesty, you’re a whole lot easier on the eyes. The whole horns and grey skin really didn’t make for poster child material, if you know what I’m spinning.”

“Be serious, Dirk.” You don’t know why this is so important, but for once, you’d really like it if this Strider played it straight with you. No gay puns intended. “Before John showed up, she wanted me to be like her. That was her plan and no matter how much I said I didn’t want it, there was a good chance that I’d always end up… a little like her.”

“Well, obviously you’re nothing like her, so excuse me if I’m missing the point of this.”

“You’re just always so… short with me, or just indifferent and I don’t know.” You shrug with forced ease. “Sometimes it feels a little bit like you’re taking some of your hated of her out on me.”

There it is. It’s out, for all the good it will do.

Instantly you regret it. Now isn’t the time to bring up these high school drama-esque scenarios that will ultimately prove to be pointless to the overall course of history. You feel childish once more for even worrying about this stuff when all of your friends are slowly dying one by one around you.

How Dirk must think of you now, as he gazes at you with those glass eyes, you have no idea. Stupid, foolish, and petty are a few words that come to mind, although you can’t help but hope, with the tiny little shred of it that Jake left behind, that Dirk might see that now isn’t the time to turn up the irony for some _‘witty, super-cynical, or impressive’_ comeback.

“I don’t hate you, Jane. That should be obvious first and foremost.” His gloved hand pats you awkwardly on the knee, a poor imitation of the reassuring pats your dad used to dish out like no one’s business. “Doing my best to avoid the sappy bullshit here, but… we’re all that we’ve got left. Now, I’d be lying if I didn’t wonder to myself just how much good I could have done for the rebellion if I’d been in your shoes. It seems like a lot of wasted potential to me.”

“Ugh. Tell me about it.” You rest your forehead in your hand. “If I only I could have seen what a bitch she was _years_ ago. Just imagine…”

“How many lives we could have saved? Yeah, I can.” His voice strains for half a second before reverting for normal. It’s so quick, you may have just imagined it. “My brother, Roxy’s mom? Yeah…”

“Maybe we should talk about something else?”

“Yeah, agreed.”

You lapse into silence then, as you desperately cast about for something else that you can discuss with this man. Nothing all that light-hearted comes to mind.

A chilly wind billows past, causing you to shiver and shift closer to Dirk for warmth. Despite his complaint about the cold earlier, his body seems to radiate heat, which is totally awesome and useful in a situation such as this.

“Sorry about this, Dirk, but you make a really good toaster oven.”

“Being hot has always been a part of my skill set. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed that it’s taken you this long to acknowledge it.” He grabs you by the shoulders and rubs his hands quickly up and down, running heat back into your chilled muscles. “You on the other hand, are a little too cool for school in a conformist sort of way, if you know what I’m saying.”

“No. No, I really don’t. Haha.” You giggle and shrug his hands away. “Ugh. It’s worse than LOFAF out here. What do you think is taking them so long?”

“Who?”

“John and those trolls. Who else?”

“Easy now, just making sure that we were on the same page.” Dirk looks around the group, which consists of just you, him, Rose, Roxy, Terezi, and Jack Noir now, and then up the hill towards where everyone else disappeared to almost ten minutes ago. “If I had to guess, they’re probably talking about important leadership stuff. You should have gone with them.”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Well, for a number of reasons.” You count off on your fingers. “I wasn’t invited, I’m not cut out to be a leader of any variety, and also, I do _not_ feel like hanging out with that Vriska troll. She gives me the creeps honestly.”

“She does seem a little hardcore, yeah.” Dirk scratches at his scalp again. What’s wrong with him? Does he have lice? Fuck. You really hope that he isn’t one of _those_ people. “And for the sake of argument, you probably could have gone if you weren’t invited. John would be okay with that.”

“Yeah, but…”

“And as for that other one.” He shakes his head. “You’re probably the most capable leader out of all of us right now.”

Welp. You didn’t see that coming.

“What the hell are you spinning, Dirk?” You chuckle, expecting him to smirk appreciatively along with that hilarious joke he just told.

“Come on, Jane. Look around.” He gestures around the group. “Everyone else is tired, old, or just flat out sick of this shit. You, me, and Roxy are the only ones left with any spunk in us, and out of that group, you’re the only one would could fill up the leadership shoes if the need ever rises.”

His words take you off guard, of course.

“What happened to all that stuff you said about doing the heavy lifting or whatever?” You ask before you can stop yourself. “I thought you were the more experienced one that made my leadership look like that half-assed canned shit from the dollar bin.”

“Okay. Now, I never said that.”

“You might as well have.”

Dirk groans and slaps himself lightly in the face, as if fighting to keep himself awake.

“Fuck. Are you seriously pissed at me right now? I just totally took your side and called you a good leadership candidate and everything.”

“I’m not mad. I’m… It’s just,” You sigh. “I just got finished thinking to myself how shitty of a leader I could be and then you pull that garbage and make me all confused. Just, ugh!”

“Yeah, just forget I said anything.” Dirk punches you lightly in the shoulder. “Despite the fact that I meant it.”

At that moment, Karkat, John, and Vriska crest the hill and move to rejoin the group. They all appear to be unharmed and actually a little upbeat for a change. How about them apples?! Anyways, you’re happy to see them. It’ll be good to start moving again and get away from this stupid wind-chill.

“Alright, guys.” John says, clapping his hands like a little-league coach to get everyone’s attention. “It’s time to start moving again and get away from this stupid wind-chill. We need to be quick if we want to make it to the seven gates before nightfall tomorrow.”

Everyone, with varying levels of excitement and exhaustion, climb to their feet and stretch their muscles. John speaks to Jack Noir.

“After you… uh, Mr. Noir.”

Jack Noir simply grimaces in response and starts walking, letting everyone else fall in line behind him. Whether or not you can trust this one-armed, creepy bastard you’ll leave up to John and Karkat, AKA people who actually seem to know what they’re doing.

 _“Ha. Some leader you are, huh.”_ You think to yourself, as you walk side by side with Dirk.

* * *

=> Be Dirk Strider

You are now Dirk Strider.

At the moment, you’re marching along to the tune of a bodacious beat that pounds along in your head. It’s a radical rhythm, one with soul and power, that urges your legs to move even when you’d like nothing more than to splay out by the nearest colorful beach and sleep until the next fucking year.

Then, once you’re well-rested and perfectly tanned, you could continue on your quest and ultimately slice Lord English in half, from the top of his evil skull down to his fucking taint. You’d take the two halves, scoop out all the disgusting, malicious innards, and use his remains to fashion a pair of cherub-skin boots, the likes of which have never existed before.

You would be the talk of the town, that’s for sure. Jake would think your boots are so cool, if you actually had them and if Jake wasn’t actually dead as fuck, but whatever, that’s life you suppose.

Le sigh. Being young and fighting all-powerful space monsters is hard and no one understands.

By your side, the one and only Jane Crocker trudges along, dragging that ridiculously large spoon behind her in the sand. You would like to tell her how much you like and appreciate her, but that would break cool-guy code rule numbero uno, which states that all compliments are _not_ supposed to be dished out during heart-felt moments where they could be interpreted as unironic, or wholly genuine.

The only method in which to inform a fellow bro of their solidness is through firm fist bumps and the occasional secret handshake. You can’t just go right up to Jane and admit that you think she’s a good person. You can’t really give her a fist bump either, or even a chest slam for that matter, your perfectly toned pectoral muscles could inadvertently convert her to a pile of adorable dust.

Whoa. Adorable dust? Talk about a Freudian slip.

Eh, Jane is pretty cute, you suppose.

In a doofy sort of way, kind of like John. That makes sense. They are alternate universe related after all.

Speaking of Egbert, he’s currently leading the pack with Jack Noir, taking you and the whole group towards the very middle of the lands. You must be drawing close, because the weather and climate is starting to act all sorts of fucked up.

Powerful gusts of air blaze through the group, whipping at hair and tugging on clothes, threatening to steer everyone off course. Waves of heat from LOHAC cause you to perspire, and then there are clouds of frost, from LOFAF of course, that cause everyone to rub at their arms and huddle together for warmth like penguins in the dead of frigid winter.

The only explanation that you can think of for these zany temperate swings are that the lands are starting to blend together and converge on a single point. The sky flashes with neon light, amongst the clouds you spot a colorful hot-air balloon, and a looming spire suddenly appears in your field of view, directly ahead.

It’s a tower, a little too reminiscent of the one previously occupied by the Felt. It’s walls look to be smooth and are covered in a black and white swirl pattern, like that of your average lighthouse, which is used to beckon weary sailors away from the tumultuous sea.

The group comes to a stop at the base of the tower and examines their surrounds with awe. The ground beneath your feet is as smooth as glass and composed out of white and black tiles. It’s a giant chess board, you realize, in the shape of an octagon. At each of the eight sides, the edge of a land can be seen, LOWAS, LOMAX, LOPAN, you know them all by now. They originate from here and stretch out towards the horizon, each occupied with mystical wonders the likes of which you wish to never, ever experience again.

This is the end. You’ve made it. Sort of.

“Inside.” Jack Noir points towards an ornate door set into the foot of the tower.

Without waiting for anyone to follow, he begins shambling forward once more right up to the door. Upon closer inspection, you see that a perfectly circular hole the size of a baseball has been burned through the once-beautiful door where a handle would be placed. Rose inspects the broken door.

“I suppose this is how you got through, hmmm?” She questions of Jack Noir. “This is how you cheated?”

“Yes and more.” Jack Noir shoves open the door and steps inside.

Everyone follows. The inside of the tower is how you would expect it to be, completely hollow, but with a spiral staircase along the wall leading all the way up to the very top. Without speaking, everyone begins to climb. Towards what? You don’t know exactly, but it seems important.

There are a lot of steps and the trip upwards takes much more time than you anticipated it would. Your footsteps sound like thunderclaps inside of the otherwise silent tower and everyone continues to hold their silence, as if they’re afraid that they’re already disturbing the peace enough.

Something about this place seems… sacred, almost forbidden. It’s an intimidating place and you get the feeling that you aren’t supposed to be here, at least not yet.

Eventually Jack Noir climbs the final steps and leads everyone up onto a flat, circular platform at the very top of the tower. Windows now line the walls, displaying the rather eye-pleasing rise of the two suns over the far horizon. You’d like to appreciate the view, but Jack Noir is doing something.

In the very center of the platform is a glittering pedestal of gold, same in luster and ineffable power as Lord English’s scepter. You watch apprehensively as Jack Noir approaches the pedestal.

“My blade.” He says, holding his hand out towards John.

Egbert, who had taken Jack Noir’s sword upon recruiting him for this mission, exchanges a quick glance with Rose and then warily passes the evil-looking blade back to it’s original master. Clutching the blade tightly in his hand, Jack Noir raises it above his head and plunges it tip-first into the pedestal.  He quickly retracts the blade as the golden furniture begins to crack and vibrate violently against the floor.

Once again stricken with curiosity, everyone watches motionlessly as the pedestal shatters into a million shining pieces. Instead of raining shards of metal all over the floor, the small explosion swirls the broken pieces in a tight circle. A ring of light appears on the ground, then another appears a few feet above it, then another above that, and then another above that. The roof of the tower disappears as more rings form above, lining up together in a perfect, gravity-defying stack.

The seven gates. Nice.

“Why did we need you for this?” John asks. “Couldn’t we have just used your sword to break the, uh… thing and stuff?”

“Only a king.” Says Jack Noir simply. He motions towards the first gate, which is just a glowing circle in the floor. “The gates.”

No one moves. Right now, faced with your ultimate goal, no one really knows what to say. Out of your peripheral vision, Vriska edges over to John and whispers in his ear. Egbert responds with a small shake of his head and a hushed _‘just wait’_ that you have to strain to hear.

Jack Noir gestures towards the gates again.

“The gates.” He repeats.

Still no one moves, until Karkat clears his throat:

“Well, anyone want to go first?” He asks. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. Standing here and just shrugging at each other is fun and all, but I thought we were going to beat this thing.”

“After you then.” Roxy snaps. “Go ahead and take the plunge if you’re going to be all condescending, buster.”

“I’m too valuable to take any sort of plunges. Send a smaller character in first just in case this is actually some kind of trap.”

“Oh, I’ll do it.” Jane says, stepping forward. “Karkat’s right. We have a job to do.”

“Are you sure, Jane?” John asks. You can tell just by looking at him that he’s planning something, otherwise, you’re sure that he’d be the first one through the gates. “I mean, you don’t have to be the first if you don’t want to.”

“I’ll do it.” She affirms. “Honestly, it doesn’t look _that_ scary.”

“I’ll do it too.” You add, moving to her side. “We’ll go together.”

Jane turns and looks up at you, a look of pleasant shock evident on her face. For a second, you think that she might argue for some crazy reason, but then a wide grin breaks across her face. If you’re honest with yourself, it feels good to make her happy like that without any irony or ulterior motives.

Psshh. How’s that for _cool_? You bro is probably spinning in his grave right now.

“We have little idea of what waits on the other side.” Rose points out evenly. “But no matter what there is, we’ll be right behind you. After we’re sure that you haven’t been killed horribly and scattered all across paradox space, of course. Haha.” Her laugh is a little strained. “That’s a joke, by the way.”

“Hilarious.” Taking Jane’s hand, you lead the way to the edge of the first gate. All it will take is one step forward and… whatever will happen will happen. You suppose that you’re just going to teleport. Hopefully it will be a painless process. You turn to Jane and squeeze her hand a little tighter. “You ready for this, Jane?”

“I- I guess so. Yeah.” She smiles up at you again. “Thanks for coming with me, Dirk.”

You simply nod in response. Like you’re going to let her steal all the glory for herself. As if!

“Travel safe, guys!” Roxy waves energetically. “See you on the other side!”

Yeah. The other side.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

Together, you and Jane take a deep breath, and step forward over the edge of the circle and right smack-dab in the middle. A weird lightness immediately floods into your being, giving you the impression that your bones have suddenly become as hollow as the tower you just climbed. Your feet slowly rise off the ground and you’re airborne.

Flashes of white burn through your vision, but you can see nothing else. The wind howls in your ears, but you can hear nothing else. All of your senses are gone, wiped clean like as if by some magical dry eraser. All you feel is Jade’s weak, little fingers in your own, clutching yours in a surprisingly tight grip.

If you had to hazard a guess, you’d assume that you’re now rising through the seven gates and leaving your friends and all the lands far, far behind.

With nothing else to occupy your mind, besides how bizarre and weird this experience is, you start to hallucinate scenes of the past:

 You see the watery image of Dave, smirking at you with a cocky grin just before he throws his sword to the ground at your feet. You’re standing atop a rooftop back in your home dimension, talking to him about something, something important.

Roxy is looking at you with a hurt expression on her face. You’ve just said something really rude to her probably, but you forget what. She marches out of your bedroom, upset, and John and Dave go after her. You just want to be left alone, to run your rebellion and avenge your brother’s death.

Then John comes back, convinces you to leave your cause for his, and save the universe.

These memories and more flash through your mind in the time-space of what feels like an hour, but is probably less than one second in total. You’re just starting to wonder what the point of _that_ shit was when Jane’s hand slips from yours. Everything goes black, and for the second time in your life, you know what it’s like to be dead:

The emptiness, the loneliness. A pitch-black mindscape that cannot be dismissed by simply removing your shades. The seven gates didn’t work. You weren’t transported to the White Kingdom or the battlefield or whatever. You were sent to the abyss to die, to be left alone here in oblivion.

Then you wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Age of Ultron trailer came out on... Tuesday? I dunno. This first week of classes haze been pretty zany for me. I've endeavored to enter this semester one hundred percent sober. Let's hope I can keep it up...
> 
> Anyways, this trailer is all Robert Downey Jr. which is fine by me. Amongst all the big-name actors in this film, he's getting top billing probably for a number of reasons: This is the beginning of the end for Tony Stark, I think, since I'm reasonably convinced he'll die in Cap'n America Civil War. Also, Iron Man's popular as fuck and he sells well, so yeah, put him up front. More of Black Widow's backstory is teased, we get more Ultron, and also more Hulkbuster vs Hulk action. I'm also pretty damn sure that Hulk will win that particular tussle, since in the comics, through all 155 iterations of the Hulkbuster armor, Tony has betean the Hulk absolutely zero times.
> 
> There was also an Ant-Man trailer and... meh. Spoiler alert! Down on his luck white male finds a greater purpose and becomes a super hero. End spoiler. I like Paul Rudd, but he isn't Hank Pym and there is also ZERO Janet Van Dyne (who is my all-time favorite avenger) Despite my initial misgivings though, if Guardians of the Galaxy taught me anything, it's that you can sort of trust Marvel to put an interesting spin on things. I'll still see both Ant-Man and Avengers 2 opening night.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	76. ACT 8 - PART 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Dakin for commenting.

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently watching Jane and Dirk, two alphas and remaining friends, step into the first gate and disappear from sight. Their bodies are swathed in white light, becoming silhouettes of the people you knew until vanishing entirely in a swirl of magical dust.

Well, at least you think the dust is magical. It sure as hell looks like it is, but then again, it could be just regular old dust. Fuck. What the hell are you thinking? Anxiety rolls and rides in your belly like the waves of a tumultuous ocean, threatening to swallow you whole with it’s unimaginable force.

Taking a step away from the gates, you reach out and seize Roxy by the arm. She jumps in surprise and then looks at you with confusion.

“Everything alright there, daughtermom?” She chuckles nervously.

“Just feeling a little dizzy.” You put a hand over your chest and feel your heart pound upwards against your rib cage. “Something’s wrong. I can feel it.”

“Again? What is it this time?”

Immediately, your thoughts go to Dirk and Jane. Is it possible that this whole ‘seven gates’ bullshit was a sham? By trying to circumvent the system and reach the battlefield without completing _any_ of your quests are the gates now cursed with… you don’t know… some _‘ultra killing spell or whatever that teleports you directly into a black hole’_? Have you just sent Dirk and Jane to their deaths?

Roxy grabs you by the shoulders to steady you.

“You gotta keep a grip on yourself, Rosey.” She says firmly.

You stomach twists painfully and you turn quickly from Roxy to see that John has begun to converse with Karkat and Terezi. Unbeknownst to him, Jack Noir is slowly advancing on him from behind with his sword raised.

Vriska begins to move, but by the time she gets there it will be much too late.

“Well, I guess it’s safe to head through, huh?” John rubs the back of his neck.

“No screaming or burning or exploding. Yeah, seem safe to me.” Karkat grumbles in response. “Why don’t _you_ go through second though, just to be sure?”

Jack Noir is almost on them and miraculously, neither John nor Karkat nor Terezi have seemed to notice that they’re in harm’s way. A hollowness fills your chest as you shove Roxy to the ground in your haste to save your friend’s lives. You were stupid to have trusted Jack Noir, stupid to turn your back on him for so much as a second, stupid for not being fast enough to reach him in time.

In what feels like slow motion, Jack Noir swings his sword and draws a neat, red line across Karkat’s chest. The leader of the trolls cries out in pain and falls backwards into Terezi, causing her to stumble. John turns in confusion, Vriska lets out a warrior’s scream as she starts to run, and you leap forward with all of your might, past John, to punch Jack Noir in the face as hard as you can.

**STRIFE!**

“Karkat!” John yells, but you pay him no mind.

Your fingers delve into your pocket and fumble to retrieve your wands, as Jack Noir quickly recovers from your punch. He’s coming back towards you, faster than a bullet, and you raise your wands, prepared to cast a spell that will surely disarm him, saving John and Roxy and even yourself if you can just…

His sword blocks your first spell and your second one doesn’t even get past your lips. The black blade pierces your chest in a familiar explosion of white-hot pain. Before you’ve even hit the ground, Jack Noir pulls his blade free and moves onto his next victim, someone you can’t even see.

How is this possible? You’re one of the best fighters of the group. You’ve fought Jack Noir before and… And yet warmth begins to drift from your body like the never-ending flow of bright red blood. Death is familiar and terrifying and…

You refuse.

You are _not_ going to die now, not again. You’re going to get up, recover your wands, _murder_ that fucking monster, and you’re going to get out of this. You can do it. You don’t want this. You don’t want to die.

“Rose.” John’s face fills your vision. He’s leaning over you and wrapping you within his warm arms, cradling you to the earth. His face twists horribly, all broken promises and fear reflected in his slack mouth. “Rose, please. Just hold on.”

“John…” You want to grab him, but your hands refuse to move. You want to tell him that you can still fight. You can. You don’t… You don’t want _this_. You have to tell him….

A final, horrible, terrified word escapes your lips in the form of question:

“Goodbye?”

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be Terezi Pyrope

You are now Terezi Pyrope.

“Karkat, stop moving!”

“I’m fine. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fucking fine! You’ve just been stabbed!” You grab your Matesprit under the arms and drag him away from the fray. Roxy and Vriska are battling Jack Noir near the seven gates and John is huddling over Rose’s corpse just being useless. “You’ll bleed out if you don’t stop moving, you fucking idiot!”

Once a safe distance away from the battle, you chuck Karkat onto the ground and heft your cane, drawing out the sword hidden within. You don’t know if Karkat is going to survive getting slashed or not, but you know for sure that _no_ one will survive _anything_ if Jack Noir is still around. You’ll have to take him down.

It’s justice.

“Terezi.” Karkat’s fingers wrap around your ankle. “Where the flying fuck are you going? Can’t you see that I’m perfectly fine!?”

“You’re delusional, Nubs. Just stay put.” You none-too-softly tug your foot out of his grasp and rush forward. You pass John along the way and give him a swift kick as you pass. “On your feet, Egbert! Party’s still going on!”

He doesn’t respond, but that’s okay. It gives you an excuse to kick him again later, which was surprisingly pretty fun!

Jack Noir blocks a punch from Roxy and ducks under a sword-swipe from Vriska, before responding with his own attacks. Apparently losing his arm and all of his godly powers didn’t slow down his fighting capabilities. You were all idiots for trusting him to lead you to this point without him turning on you, but that goes without saying.

Hindsight is still twenty-twenty, despite the fact that you are completely blind.

Joining the fray, you stab with your cane sword, missing Jack Noir’s disgusting black olive-smelling form by inches. He’s as quick as he is strong and he weaves backwards, creating space between himself and his attackers as you continue to battle with him.

Roxy dodges a swing of his sword and grabs him by the arm, attempting to pin him in place so that Vriska can strike him. However, Jack Noir easily twists out of her grip, grabs her by the front of her shirt with his robotic arm, and lifts her in to the air. The second human Lalonde lets out a stunned shriek as she’s thrown bodily away from the battle.

You sense her flight path through the air and towards the wall, where she continues through the glass window with a mighty _crash_ and out into open space.

Welp. So much for her.

The thought is no sooner in your brain, then a _whoosh_ of blueberry-scented breeze billows past. John disappears after Roxy, obviously in an attempt to catch the falling girl. Hopefully, he’s successful. You don’t have the time or the energy to bury anyone else six feet under.

The battle continues, you and your old pal Vriska against the deadly Jack Noir. The Scourge Sisters are back in action!

Sort of.

“You’re facing the wrong way, dumbass!” Vriska grabs your arm and spins you around. “Shit. If you aren’t going to be helpful, just jump onto his sword already.”

“After you, Serket. Hehe.” You smell her blood in the air. “Smells to me like you’ve already gotten nicked anyhow. Ha!”

“What can I say? This asshole fights dirty.”

As if to display her accusation, Vriska lunges with her sword and misses Jack Noir, who responds with a dastardly backhand with his powerful, robotic appendage. Your former friend is knocked the floor and sent spinning away like one of those ridiculous human hockey pucks.

It’s just you and Jack Noir now, locked in a duel to the death.

This isn’t going to end well.

Jack Noir swings his sword and you block it. He stabs and you parry. He punches you and you try to dodge, but fail. His powerful blow sends you stumbling backwards over the smooth floor, until you trip over something solid.

You fall back onto the ground and hear someone groan beneath you. It’s Karkat.

Sitting up, you try to climb off of your Matesprit and continue the fight with Jack Noir, but it’s too late. You hear the _whistle_ of a blade through the air, smell the acrid stench of burnt ash, and feel a flaming-hot poker blaze a path from your left hip, all the way up to your right shoulder.

You flop backwards onto the ground and mix your blood with Karkat’s. Jack Noir moves away to finish off Vriska.

“Terezi.” Karkat’s voice is hoarse and wet with blood. “You did your best.”

“Thanks, Karkat.”

You fumble for his hand in the bloody mess, which clouds your senses in a haze. In the end, his fingers find yours instead and grip them in a vice-like grip. He’s right, of course, about a lot of things. You _did_ do your best to kill Jack Noir. Trusting these humans _was_ a big mistake

And yeah, there’s _no way_ either of you are getting out of this alive.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are now Vriska Serket. You’re about to avenge the deaths of Rose, Karkat, and Terezi.

And that’s all there really is to say on the matter.

The blow from Jack Noir was enough to get your head spinning, yeah, but it’s nothing compared to the unprecedented amount of _hurt_ that you’re about to bring down on him. You watched Karkat, then Rose, and then finally Terezi fall under his blade. This guy is on a killing streak, which probably won’t stop until he’s killed everyone here, traveled through the gates himself, and killed everyone on the other side.

The fate of the entire universe, all of existence hinges on you murdering him right now. John gave you a job and, although it’s a little late now, you’re still going to do it.

And you’re going to do it well.

Bouncing to your feet, you grip your sword tightly and charge at Jack Noir. He turns from Terezi and Karkat’s motionless forms just in time to block your first swipe, but you don’t stop at the _‘first’_ strike. You drag your robotic fist upwards as hard as you can and bury it under his chin.

He’s thrown backwards into the glass window and it cracks under his weight, yet refuses to shatter. You don’t waste any time. You’re on him in a second, swinging your sword once more and meeting his own blade in a shower of sparks.

His own metal fist pounds into your gut and knocks the wind clean from your lungs. You ignore the pain though and fight back, grabbing him by the neck and bashing the dome of his round head against the window as hard as you can.

He twists in your grasp, swings his sword wildly and misses, and then tries to grab you instead. You grapple with him, trying to force him to the ground or at least out of the window, but it’s no use. He’s too strong and with a powerful thrust, manages to shake you away.

You fall backwards, but manage to hold a slight grip on his wrist and tug him along with you. Your heel slips over the rim of a ledge and before you know what’s happening, you and Jack Noir are tumbling down the spiral staircase together, knocking into the walls, the ornate hand rail, and into each other all the way down.

Fuck. You really wish someone had warned you about these stairs.

Jack Noir slams to the ground finally and you collapse on top of him. You know that you probably have a second before he regains his senses and rips your head off or something, so you have to move fast. Planting your robotic hand on his chest, you push off as hard as you can and propel yourself away from him, not feeling all too upset when your claws rake across his chest.

“Imbecile!” Growls Jack Noir as he climbs to his feet. “You are dead.”

“We’ll see about that!” You shove your hand into your pocket and retrieve your dice. “I’ve been waiting for this a long time, Jack Noir.”

“It’s over.” He advances, sword raised, claws gleaming. “You can’t win.”

“Actually we can. You opened up the seven gates for us, idiot.”

“Lord English will come. He will find you and kill you.”

“Maybe,” You cast your dice. “But you _won’t_ be there to see it.”

The floor tiles sing like the chimes of a bell as your dice bounce across them, coming to a rest directly between you and your foe. It’s a perfect roll of course, eight eight-sided die, all pointing their eighth face towards the sky and sparking with magical, blue energy.

It’s a beautiful sight, almost as beautiful as the glowing, ancient, mystical sword that materializes before your very eyes, practically buzzing with power. Congrats. You’ve successfully summoned the blade of your ancestors, the mystical _spider-bite_.

This is going to be either really fun or _reeaaaally_ lame.

You charge forward and leap into the air, snatching the magical sword as you pass and swinging it at Jack Noir with all of your power as you descend upon him. His sword blocks yours with a deafening _boom_ and all sorts of sparks shoot all the fuck over the place.

The battle is fierce, with sword clash after sword clash filling the air as you and Jack Noir waltz around the room in the deadliest dance ever. Of all time. Small cuts and nicks are the only wounds either of you sustain as you continue to duel, sprinkling the ground with red and blue blood and then smearing it under your sneakers.

You wonder where John is and if he’s managed to save Roxy or not. The last thing you need is him moping over another dead Lalonde.

Jack Noir swings his sword at your head and you pivot out of the way, but not without losing a few inches of hair in the process.

If Karkat and Terezi really died up there, then… you guess that would be upsetting. They were your friends at one point, after all. Maybe if you’re quick here, you can get back up there and revive them? That wouldn’t be too objectionable you suppose.

You and Jack Noir clash once more and end up locked in a powerful stalemate. Your magical sword _crackles_ against his own blade and burns his skin with stray sparks. He’s strong, especially when he puts his weight behind that robotic arm of his.

You bare your teeth and press against him, plotting out an angle in which you could possible twist your blade around to attack, but with an angry roar, Jack Noir suddenly rips your sword out of your grip and tosses his own to the ground.

Fair enough. You don’t need that shit.

Then you start fucking bare-knuckle boxing.

It’s easily the most ridiculous, yet significant fight of your whole life. Over a year ago, you had planned to take on Jack Noir, with John by your side and with all of your limbs intact. That hadn’t worked out, of course. In fact, that whole plan had been tossed out the window quicker than you could have said _“Hey, John. Do you want to come with me on a dangerous mission to kill Jack Noir?”_

Your metal fist collides with his and the resounding shockwave sends tremors into your shoulder and down your spine. The fingers of your prosthetic hand, so masterfully built by Equius, crumble under the pressure and crack.

Jack Noir’s face splits into a wide grin as your eyes grow to the size of tea saucers. He wheels back and drives his fist forward again, connecting with your jaw and sending you spinning to the ground. Your damaged robotic hand catches you before you connect with the ground, but crumbles under your weight all the same.

You’re laying face-down on the blood-soaked tile. You need to stand up again. You need to keep fighting this asshole. The tiles crack and shatter as you dig your metal fingers into the floor and force yourself up onto your knees and then to your feet.

Turning, you find Jack Noir to be striding towards you once more, his posture relaxed and his reclaimed sword spinning lazily in his gleaming, robotic hand.

“It’s over.” He repeats with his broken words. “You’ve lost.”

“Not yet.” You dive to the ground, under his swing, and scoop up your dice once more. It’s time for one more, desperate roll.

Better make it count.

Calling upon all your stolen luck, all of your past victories and failures and everything in between, you cast your dice and send them spinning right towards Jack Noir. He raises his sword to block them, but as soon as the small projectiles meet his blade, a blinding flash of light erupts from the contact, blinding him.

You take advantage of the distraction to snatch up your magical blade again and charge for Jack Noir. He shields his eyes from the light and therefore does not see your approach until it’s too late. You lunge towards him, dragging your blade _sizzling_ through the air, and cleave his head clean off of his fucking shoulders.

Jack Noir’s black sword falls from his hand and buries itself into the cracked and bloody ground. His body follows soon after, tipping over and pouring a bloody mess all over the place like an over-turned wine bottle.

You stand there, bloody, bruised, but above all: victorious.

And there’s not a single soul around to relish in your glory. You drop your magical sword and it disintegrates into nothing again before even touching the ground. Reclaiming your dice, you leave the bloody mess of Jack Noir’s corpse where it is, and ascend the multitude of steps in the spiral staircase all the way to the top.

The scene is different than the way you’d left it. Karkat and Terezi still lay dead and intertwined near the shattered windows, but now both John _and_ Roxy are standing over Rose’s corpse, just looking down at it as if it might do something worthwhile.

But it doesn’t. It’s a corpse.

The seven gates, which stretch up to the heavens, are glowing with a bright light, so intense that they’re beginning to blur at the edges and become unsteady. Call it a feeling in your gut, but you doubt that the gates are going to stick around for much longer. You need to get moving.

With exhaustion and pain weighing on your bones, you march over to John.

* * *

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are now Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. You’re probably about to fall to your death.

But before you get to that, let’s rewind a bit:

The first thing you notice that’s odd about this situation, excluding the glowing rings and the fact that Jane and Dirk just eagerly jumped into the first one and disappeared like a wisp of smoke, is that you notice Vriska edging her way around Jack Noir’s blind side. Her hand is gripping the handle of her sword, her eyes are sharp, and there’s a dangerous snarl to the way she grits her teeth.

Something is about to go down.

Then it does. Before Vriska can strike, Jack Noir lunges at Karkat and cuts him down, followed quickly by… Rose.

You were just talking to her not scant seconds before. She had been fretting over something and then rushed away to converse with John, shoving you away, and now… Now she’s got a whole in her chest, pouring blood all over the floor like a fountain, and just too far away for you to reach in time.

You see John rush to Rose’s side, you see Terezi pull Karkat out of harm’s way, then you see Jack Noir and… a red haze clouds your vision. You’d trusted his asshole, like an idiot, and then he’d double-crossed you, like you knew he would. But now it’s too late to think about how many _wrong_ decisions you’ve made recently, now you’ve got to make him pay.

And well, you know what happens next:

The window is hard and your shoulder burns with pain as you crash into it, then _through_ it and out into open space. Shards of glass dance in your vision, reflecting the early-morning sun and giving the impression that you’re falling amongst a sea of stars.

Pretty poetic stuff for a gal who’s about to die.

However, as the wind howls in your ears and the ground rushes up to meet you, a flash of blue erupts from the tower above like a bullet from a gun and then descends upon you. John races towards you, but he’s probably going to be too late. You know that already.

Even if he does reach you in time, there’s little to no way that he’d be able to slow your descent enough to prevent you from impacting into the ground. It just sucks because… well, this seems like a really fucking bullshit way to die.

You suppose that you could teleport to the void and escape, but what are the odds that you’ll teleport anywhere close to this place when you try to come back. Also, you have no idea how momentum works with your void-teleportation powers. You could end up slamming into the wall of a castle and dying anyways.

Besides, it’s too late now, John’s already wrapping his arms around your middle and committing to this suicide pact. Oh well, there are worse ways to die than in the arms of an adorably, doofy friendleader. Even one who’s dating your mom!

Oh right… Your mom. Think of something else, Lalonde you idiot.

John begins to impede your downward movement, but you can already tell that he isn’t being fast enough about it. The ground rises, you close your eyes, and then slam into the ground with painful _crack_ and a muffled scream. Your shoulder bends painfully and your forehead gets shoved forcefully up into John’s collarbone. The heap of bruised and tangled limbs that you wind up in with John would probably be funny, if you weren’t involved in it, if you hadn’t just seen a few of your friends get stabbed, and if you had a fucked up sense of humor.

“J- John.” You’re voice is shaky and every time you move _something_ hurts, but you force yourself to speak and move nonetheless. “John, are you alright?”

He takes a while to respond, a little too long. You’re starting to worry that you’re spooning with a dead guy until he lets out a strained groan.

“I can’t move my arm.” He gasps.

“The one I’m laying on top of?”

“No. No, this one.” He tilts his head towards the appendage currently draped over your shoulders like a dead snake. “Are you okay, Roxy? I tried to reach you in time, but I didn’t know if…”

“You saved my life, again.” You try to shift away from John as gently as possible, but it’s still a painful and long process that results in both parties cursing quite a lot. Once free of John, you rest on your knees by his side. It’s obvious to you now that your shoulder has been forcefully dislocated from it’s socket, which isn’t negligible, but not earth-shattering either. A quick look at John finds that you’ve snapped his collarbone with your head. “Fuck, Johnny. Can you stand?”

“Yeah.” He pushes himself up with his good arm and you’re quick to grab him under the armpits to help. “We have to get back up there.”

“The stairs…”

“No, I’ll fly us.”

“You’re hurt and too weak…”

“No I’m not.” He grabs you around the waist, almost painfully, and tugs you to his side. “Hold on.”

You can tell that now isn’t the time to argue, so instead you wrap your arms around him and take a little relish in his wheeze of discomfort. Serves him right for being short with you. If he wants to tire himself out by flying everywhere, then that’s his own stupid prerogative. He just better not come crying to you when Jack Noir slams his ass five ways to Sunday when you get back up there.

However, after John bobs and floats you up back through the broken window, you find that Jack Noir is gone, along with Vriska. In his wake are three corpses, Rose, Karkat, and Terezi. You and John pause by the two trolls for a second, looking down at their coupled corpses in silence.

“W- We should kiss them.” John says quietly. “That might bring them back.”

“Really?”

“I did it for you once.”

Welp. That’s something you were unaware of.

“Uh… do you think it will still work?” You look over to Rose, who you wouldn’t mind kissing as long as it brought her back to life.

In response to your question, John just shrugs and awkwardly crouches over Terezi’s corpse. You suppose that you’ll be the one to make out with the shouty one.

His tongue is flopped out of his mouth and you, with as much dignity as possible, flop it back between his pointed teeth before planting a big wet one right on his lips. John does the same by your side with Terezi.

And nothing happens.

You feel at Karkat’s neck for a pulse, press your ear to his bloody chest for a heartbeat, but there’s still nothing. Karkat and Terezi are both impossibly and irrevocably dead. For some reason, that particular method of resurrection is no longer an option.

Rising from Terezi, John moves slowly, almost dreamily to Rose’s side and you’re left with virtually no choice but to follow. Your daughtermom has always been pale, but with absolutely _zero_ blood in her body, she’s more pale than ever. Some of her hair has fallen loose from her headband, obscuring her eyes. With a shaky hand, you tuck the stray locks back into place and stand in silence by John’s side, waiting for him to speak.

“Dave was right. I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Now… now it’s too late. I’ve finally done it. I killed her.”

“John…”

You wrap your arms around him and cry. Because what he said is horrible and true and because you have no idea what to say to him. You cry all the way to the floor and long after John has pushed you away to sit by himself, arms wrapped around his knees, eyes firmly set on his dead girlfriend.

“John.” Vriska materializes seemingly from nowhere, just as mangled and torn-up as you feel. “John, we have to go.”

“Not without them.” You choke, wiping your eyes on the backs of your hands.

“John.” Vriska ignores you. “Come on. Get up.”

And after a moment, he does, leaving you to decide whether or not to follow. The seven gates, opened by Jack Noir himself, are starting to waver and shake like they’re being distorted by waves of heat. You know that you’ll have to leave now or not at all.

You have to leave your mother behind.

And you do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The homestuck update Friday was nice. For a number of reasons. I love me some JohnRoxy, of course, but besides that, when's the last time we've seen Roxy that happy? I mean, the last few updates we saw of her, she watched her mom die, found alt-Dirk's sword monument thing, which was sad, buried her mom, and then cried in Jaspersprite's arms. Now, here she is, smiling like a loon and holding John's hand as they jump through time and space.
> 
> (but mike, she was only holding john's hand so that it would be easier for them to teleporaigaspoaliasgawe FUCK YOU JOHNROSE IS SUNK AS SHIT LET ME HAVE THIS)
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	77. ACT 8 - PART 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Dakin and terminalViscosity for commenting.

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are Jane Crocker. Wake up.

As the light of the seven gates floods your vision, you aren’t too proud to say that you squeeze your eyes shut as tight as you can out of fear. An _‘I immediately regret this decision!’_ almost tears itself from your lips as everything you know disappears from view yet again. The difference this time though is that you are moving _away_ from your friends instead of _towards_ them.

What lies on the other side of the seven gates, no one knows. You and Dirk are pioneers of the unknown.

And it fucking sucks.

As if a switch as been flicked, the blindingly-white light disappears. Your knees buckle when your feet connect with solid ground again and only Dirk’s firm grip on your hand keeps you from face-planting. Blinking your eyes open, you see that you and Dirk are now standing atop of what can only be described as a big-ass chess board.

Black and white tiles, much like the ones covering the floor back in the center of the lands, stretch as far as the eye can see. It’s not flat either. The land is a topographic mess of hills and mountains and chasms. From your vantage point atop a steep slope, you can see a few patches of grass and even some lively-looking trees. The sky is blue, the clouds are fluffy and white, and for a second you wonder if you died and went to heaven or god-place or whatever religious people believe in.

“Check it out.” Dirk points with your hand upwards and you look to see that the seven gates float above, waiting to spew more of your friends out onto this hill. “I guess it worked. Jack Noir really did hold up his end of the bargain.”

“What was our end again?” You move out from under the gates and shield your eyes from the green sun to inspect your surroundings.

“Not killing him like we should.” There’s a long _shiiink_ as Dirk draws his sword.  “We’re about to have company.”

Sure enough, a group of imps are ascending the hill towards you. In any other circumstance, you wouldn’t hesitate to kick some imp butt. However, there’s something about these guys that gives you pause. Maybe it’s the milky white skin instead of midnight black, or the way they carry themselves, or the lack of weapons, or the fact that they’re actually _smiling_ up at you.

These must be the imps of the white kingdom you realize, those sworn to oppose Jack Noir and all of his evil deeds. Finally! Some good guys like you!

“Don’t look threatening, Dirk. Put down your sword.” You swat at your friend. “I think they’re here to help.”

The imps climb to the very top of the hill and stand in formation before you and Dirk. A couple of the little guys lift bugles to their lips and play a little tune as the leader of the imp squad steps forward. He’s a pretty snazzy-looking dude, with a purple tunic and one of those ruffly things around his neck that old renaissance people used to wear. You believe it’s called a _‘ruff’_ although you can’t be sure. You stopped caring about fashion a long while ago.

“Ahem.”The head imp coughs and then unfurls an elegant scroll. He reads: “Hear ye, hear ye, mighty players from the eight lands! You have triumphed over your destiny quests and ascended through the seven gates to reach Skaia! Congratulate thee! Fore there have been many before who have fallen short of such glory! Oh! Legendary god tier players, the White King, ruler of the White Kingdom and all things good, fair, and just, would greatly appreciate an audience with thee! We are the welcoming committee. If you’ll follow us, we will accompany you to the palace, whilst singing ballads of your glory!”

When the imp finishes his spiel, he neatly folds up the scroll once more and tucks it into his pocket. Then he looks at you and Dirk expectantly, as if you’re supposed to understand what the fuck just happened.

“Sorry, little man.” Says Dirk. “But we’re not going anywhere until our friends make it through.” He points upwards towards the seven gates, which shine brightly against the pale, blue sky. “Jane and I were sent through early to scope out the place.”

The imp sighs and then motions to his companions. All of the white imps huddle together and talk in hushed voices, occasionally casting glances towards you and Dirk. They’re noseless faces, with their tiny mouths and beady, black eyes are almost unreadable. You have no idea whether to be worried or not.

“Did we do something wrong?” You whisper quietly to Dirk. “Other than cheating our way here, I mean.”

Dirk shakes his head slowly.

“We’re fine.” He assures you. “We aren’t going anywhere without our friends. If these guys try anything funny, we can handle them. We’ve come too far to be bullied by some gnomes.”

“They’re imps, Dirk.”

“Whatever.”

After a few more seconds of debating, the head imp turns back to you and Dirk and speaks once more:

“The welcoming committee would be honored to wait here with you for the rest of your heroic companions.” The imp then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of chocolate chip cookies. “Now, who wants a treat!?”

The chocolate chip cookies are warm, soft, and delicious. However, the sugar and carbs are a little too much for your food-deprived body and a wave of nausea quickly washes over you. The last thing you ate was… fuck. You can’t even remember. Probably some awful canned vegetables or whatever Rose considers to be most efficient, nutrient and storage-wise.

You sit cross-legged on the smooth ground and nibble on your cookie as Dirk entertains the imps with some neat sword tricks. They _‘oooooh’_ and _‘aaahhhh_ ’ as he balances his blade on his nose and stuff. Personally, you think Dirk has a tendency to get carried away with himself. You’d much rather spend this time conversing with the imps and seeing what lies in store for you at the white kingdom. However, all the little aliens are much too distracted to care much about what you have to say.

It’s a vaguely frustrating feeling.

Watching Dirk play, you wonder if he thinks about Dave at all. His alternate dimension brother had been a cool dude, funny, strong, a little stupid, but still nice nonetheless. At least most of the time. Dirk and Dave seemed to get on really well, from what you saw. Dirk must miss him of course, but he hasn’t said anything about it. Dave died just yesterday. You’d think there’d be… something.

But there isn’t. It’s just you and your thoughts and Dirk’s smirking face as he spins his sword like a baton girl. If _your_ alternate dimension counterpart, John, kicked the bucket as suddenly as Dave did, you’d have a few words to say about it. You suppose that’s just you.

Another problem you’re having in concern of Dave is his gruesome death. You haven’t been here long, but from what you’ve learned, god tier players are only supposed to die in very specific circumstances. Playing the moments before Dave was shot over and over again in your head, you try to rationalize as to why his death might have been considered heroic.

You’re drawing a blank though. You’ll have to speak to Rose about it when she arrives with John and the others.

You’re just beginning to wonder when the rest of the group will show up when the seven gates suddenly brighten to almost blinding levels once more. You jump to your feet and deduce that something is happening. The gates quake and waver as if under the effects of a tremor.

“They are going to close soon.” Explains an imp. “Not much waiting left.”

You hope that the little guy is wrong. If no one besides you and Dirk makes it then… well, frankly everything is thoroughly fucked beyond belief. The panic, which has begun to rise steadily in your chest, dissipates when you see shapes appear through the gates.

Three figures descend from the heavens and touch down right in front of you, then the seven gates flash once more and disintegrate into dust. The bubble of relief bursts as quickly as it blooms, leaving you with a horrible sense of dread.  Instantly, you can tell that something is horribly wrong.

For one, there are only three people. John, Roxy, and the bitch troll Vriska.

Secondly, they all look like hell. John’s arm hangs limply by his side, Roxy cradles her own against her stomach, and Vriska has more bumps and scrapes on her than you’ve ever seen on one person before. Not to mention that her robotic hand is a crumpled mess.

Lastly, they all have the same, dead expression on their face. Roxy has fresh tears on her cheeks, as does John, but all traces of pretty much any emotion is gone from Vriska. At the moment, the troll simply looks dead once more.

The white imps cheer and play their bugles as you and Dirk rush to your friend’s sides. Roxy immediately grabs you in an impossibly tight hug and sobs grossly into the top of your head. Dirk get’s off a little easier, walking straight up to John and demanding an explanation:

“I demand an explanation.” Says Dirk.

“What does it look like, Strider? We got our asses kicked.” Vriska snaps instead. “Karkat, Terezi, and Rose are dead. Jack Noir almost killed us _all_.”

“That sonovabitch.” You growl, peeling yourself away from Roxy. You take her by the shoulders, and she winces in obvious pain, but you hold her anyways. “Roxy, I’m so sorry. If we’d known that you were going to get in a fight with that douchebag we wouldn’t have left.”

“Where is he now?” Dirk presses.

“Well, the bottom half of him is about five paces away from the door at the bottom of the tower. His top half is WHO THE FUCK GIVES A SHIT?!?” Vriska flexes her robotic fingers in Dirks’ face. They’re crumpled, yet covered in bright-red blood. “I killed him. I fucking slaughtered him like the animal he was, like I always planned to kill him. _I_ won. Hahaha!”

It’s when she laughs that you realize it: this bitch, driven mad by pain and loss, has completely lost her entire fucking mind.

“We are the welcoming committee!” Cheers the leader of the white imps. “And welcome to Skaia, the final battlefield of the game. If you’ll follow us, we’ll take you to the boss man himself: The White King, ruler of the good, fair, and just White Kingdom…”

“Yeah, can you please give us a minute? Sorry.” You interrupt the imp with a quick glance. As much as you’d like to get on with the quest. There are some things that need to be attended to. You turn back to Roxy. “What’s wrong, sister? What hurts?”

“Just my arm.” Roxy rubs at her red eyes. “I’m pretty sure I dislocated my shoulder.”

“Okay, hold on a second.” On a whim, you gently feel around the area rumored to be giving her trouble. She hisses with pain as you finger her shoulder. Yep, that’s definitely not where it’s supposed to be.

Closing your eyes, you concentrate your energy onto her wound. A heat spreads from your chest, down your arm, through your finger tips, and supposedly into Roxy. She lets out a groan of displeasure and tries to shimmy out of your grip. You keep a firm hold though. Good thing too. After a sickening _pop_ and another gasp from Roxy, her shoulder pops back into place.

“Hmmm.” Roxy hums when you open your eyes, testing out her arm. “So I guess being a hero of life is pretty useful, huh?”

“I guess, although I can’t help but feel like _‘hero of healing’_ is more apt of a name. Hero of life implies that I actually have something to do with life.”

“Well, you’re a life saver in my book.” Roxy offers a weak grin and casts a glance towards John. “John was hurt too.”

“Mhmm.” You assumed as such. The way he holds his arm, or lack thereof, makes you think that he’s broken his collar bone. You hope that your healing abilities extend beyond simple popped joints to full-on broken limbs.

Your grandfather has himself stood off to the side of the group, his shoulders slack and his head half-bowed. His eyes are obscured by his drooping hair, but you’re relatively sure you can guess his current emotion without peering through his windows to the soul. What do you say to someone like John? ‘I’m sorry’ just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. You have to say something though anyways. It’s kind of your job.

“John.” You approach him hesitantly, like he’s a wounded animal or something. His eyes snap up to look at you and… damn, he does _not_ look happy. “Let me take a look at your arm. I just figured out like twenty seconds ago that I have healing magic.”

“I…” He begins, but trails off. His eyes are distant. “I think- I just want to be alone right now.”

“Well, you can’t. I need to fix your arm.”

“It’s fine.”

“No. It’s broken.” You gently reach out and grip him by the sleeve, just in case he decides to run. “Hold still. This will only take a second. I promise.”

You run your fingers lightly around his collar, pinpointing the snapped bone. He winces when you poke at him, but remains otherwise silent. Mystical blue sparks dance from your fingers and home-in on the injury, wrapping it up in a soft warmth. There’s a soft _click_ as the bone snaps back into place and stitches itself together. Then as quickly as they appeared, the sparks disappear, and John is miraculously healed.

“Thanks.” He rolls his shoulder and stares at his fingers as he flexes them. For a second he is silent, until: “Rose is dead.”

“I- I know. I’m sorry, John.”

“Karkat and Terezi are dead too.”

“I know.” Fuck. You think you’re about to cry. It’s really hard to talk around the lump in your throat. “John… We can’t stop now. We’ve made it to Skaia. The White King is so close. If we can just talk him into beating Lord English then we can win this game. We can save them from the void.”

“She was there for me.” John doesn’t appear to have heard a word you said. He laces his fingers behind his head and squeezes his head between his arms, turning from you. “She was always there and I wasn’t and now she’s gone. I just left her there. I have to go back. I need to treat her right.”

“There’s no going back now.” Dirk approaches John. “The seven gates are closed. Listen to us, John. We need to move forward.”

“I can’t.” John shakes his head furiously, like he’s trying to shake something off the tip of his nose. “It’s over. I never thought that she… I should have killed Jack Noir the second I saw him.”

“Then we would have never made it through the gates.” You argue.

“We don’t have time for this.” Vriska snaps. She steps forward and seizes John by the front of his shirt, shaking him roughly.  Dirk moves forward to beak them up, but Roxy stops him. Vriska shouts in John’s face. “Snap out of it, Egbert! Rose is dead. People die. You didn’t fucking shut down when I kicked the bucket, did you? No. You kept moving forward. You kept doing what you always do.” She shoves him away from her then, causing him to stumble over his own feet. “Remember the ring, asshole? Remember the ring that you were supposed to give to me to bring me back to life? Well now, when you beat Lord English, you can give it to Rose. And then everyone will sing and dance and be fucking happy.”

Vriska shakes her head and gives John a critical look, from his messy hair, down to his scuffed-up sneakers.

“Get your act together.” She continues, quieter this time. “Because there’s a good chance that Lord English is on his way here right now.”

John stares at the checkerboard floor, apparently lost in thought. You decide to buy him some time to recover before Vriska lunges at him again.

“Can Lord English reach us now?” You ask quickly. “The seven gates are closed. We’re out of the medium, aren’t we?”

“With that scepter of his, he can travel anywhere in all of time in space.” Vriska answers coldly. “Once he figures out where we are, then we’ll probably be as good as dead. That’s why we have to get to the White King and fast.”

The sudden blare of bugles causes you to jump. The leader of the white imps steps forward once more and gives a deep bow. Everyone, even John, looks to him as he speaks.

“We, of the welcoming committee, would be more than happy to bring you before the good, fair, and just White King. Post haste as well!” The little imp says. “Follow us, courageous players, and complete your hard-fought quest!”

With a snap of his fingers, the leader of the white imps commands his troops into action. One of the imps leaps to your side and takes you by the hand, dragging you forward. Everyone else on your team is similarly guided, save for Vriska, who the imps wisely give a wide birth.

They lead you down the slope and across the white and black plains, around trees and crevices, over hills and down valleys, towards a destination as far and mysterious as all the others you’d ventured towards before. Something about this trip is different though, for obvious reasons.

Your party has dwindled down to a measly five, you, Roxy, Dirk, Vriska, and John, but there’s also something else. This trip almost feels… dare you say it, _optimistic_. These white imps are so cheerful and proud of their _‘good, fair, and just’_ ruler, that you can’t help but feel a little the same.  Somehow, if you make it to the White King, everything is going to be okay.

“Awwwww. These guys are actually pretty cute, huh?” Roxy appears by your side. Her eyes are still rimmed with red, but a small smile graces her face nonetheless. “I may or may not want to hug every single one of them. But like in a non-creepy way, you know? A hundred percent platonic cutie hugs up in this bitch.”

“I don’t know if they’d want to be hugged, even like that.” You try to gently tug your hand out of the imp’s, but he holds fast. “They’re still knights of the White Kingdom, after all.”

“Knights can still enjoy a hug every whence and then.” Roxy reaches down and tickles her imp under the chin. He grimaces and shoots her a scathing look. Damn, if looks could kill. “Alright. Got it. Sorry, bro.”

You eye the imps warily after that.

The head honcho leads the way, with you, Roxy, and Dirk following close behind. Vriska and John trail after you, bringing up the rear. John still looks pretty shell-shocked, with his eyes wide, his mouth slightly agape, and his face devoid of color. In fact, he’s actually hovering a few inches off the ground, giving the appearance that the imp holding his hand is holding a full-sized John Egbert balloon.

You feel bad for John, worse than you’d felt for anyone in a long time, besides yourself. If he doesn’t want to be leader anymore, you can understand that. Although it raises the question of who could take his place?

You, of course. Says a small voice in the back of your head. It would have to be you.

Without knowing so, you’re posture improves greatly as you hold your shoulders and chin a little higher. If it’s a firm leader that this group needs, then you’ll give it to them. Or at least, you’ll do your very best, which is probably about as an accurate of a statement as you can get. If there’s one thing you learned from the inspirational posters hanging from the walls of your old grade school, it’s that you need to shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

 Or something like that. You honestly have no idea what is happening to your train of thought. Your subconscious is probably throwing all of this stupid shit at you just to distract from how thoroughly fucked everything is. For the time being, you’ll take what you can get though.

The checkerboard ground beneath your feet starts to become more uniform the closer you get to your destination. There are less cracks in the ground, less hills too. More grass and trees and other vegetation that springs up between the black and white tiles, giving you the impression that the land around the White Kingdom is much more full of life than the no man’s land in which you arrived.

In the distance, rises a lone, white flag. As you draw closer, you see that the flag is attatached to a large spire, which is in-turn attatached to a tower, which is then attatached to this big-ass castle. The castle is, as you would assume, entirely white in color, with many shining turrets and ramparts and other castle parts that you don’t even know the name of, all colored white.

“Wow.” Roxy whistles. “Now that is a castle. No offence Vriska, but that outhouse you guys built in the void is nothing compared to this.”

“No offense taken.” Vriska folds her arms. “Tavros and the rest built that piece of shit. I only ever went there to relax after a long hard day of murdering hundreds of Dave’s- I mean, after a long hard day of pirate stuff.”

“The white king lives in there?” You ask the imp who is still tugging you forward.

“Figure that out all by yourself, huh?” He snarks in response. “Yes, surprisingly enough, the White King lives in the white castle. Now come on. As we’ve said before, he’ll want to speak to you.”

The massive, white doors baring the entrance to the keep swing wide and give your little troupe admittance into the inner sanctum. You and your friends are lead through a marvelous courtyard, with many topiary masterpieces, lush gardens, and flowing fountains, up into the castle proper.

The throne room of the white kingdom isn’t much different than the rest of the castle, albeit with lots of flowing drapes and glistening chandeliers hanging from the walls and ceiling respectively. There, in a pair of gilded thrones at the far end of the hall sit two tall and powerful-looking figures.

It’s the White King and Queen themselves, some of the most stately looking sonovabitches you’ve ever seen. The White Queen is beautiful, in a blank sort of way, wearing a flowing white gown and a tall crown. The White King, on the other hand, rests a gigantic sword across his knees and a shimmering golden ring, like that worn by Lord English, graces his kingly finger.

The leader of the imps who brought you here, scurries ahead and bows low before the two royal rulers of regal royalty, almost touching his nose to the ground.

“Milord and lady.” He gushes. “The players have arrived through the seven gates and we, per your request, have brought them here before you. May I present…” The imp motions for your group to join his side, before he gestures to each of you in turn. “Jane Crocker of Earth-65, Roxanne Lalonde of Earth-65, Dirk Strider of Earth-65, Jonathan Egbert of Earth-982, and last, but most certainly not least, Vriska Serket of Alternia-8311.”

The White King takes his large sword and stabs it into the ground by his throne, before rising to his feet and towering above you. He’s easily at least three times bigger than Jack Noir, the infamous Black King, but just as friendly-looking at the moment. If this guy decides to attack you right now, when most of you are exhausted, grief-stricken, and beaten, then there’s little chance that you’ll survive.

You stand and quake with anxiety as he opens his slash of a mouth and speaks:

“You have broken the rules. You are not welcome here.”

* * *

=> Be Roxy Lalonde

You are now Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. You’ve finally come face to face with the White King.

If only he looked as happy to see you as you are to see him.

“You are not welcome here.” He booms in a deep voice that seems to cause your very insides to rattle. “You are cheaters, deceivers, and murderers. The White Kingdom is no place for players such as you.”

Ouch. This guy really knows how to shock your system, huh? Talk about high and mighty. You’re about to give this guy a piece of your mind when Jane takes a step forward and begins to speak in an anxious tone. You don’t blame her. You’re all but quaking in your boots yourself.

“Listen, uh… Mr. White King sir. Please?” She tugs at her collar. “We’ve come a long way, fought a lot of battles, and lost a lot of good people to get here and speak to you. Lord English…”

“The player who calls himself _Lord English_ is none of my concern.” The White King interrupts her. He points his large, ringed finger towards Jane. “You have brought his wrath upon yourselves. It is up to you to defeat him. As for these battles and these _loses_ you sustained, they are not my concern either. The reason I exist is to oppose the Black King and the Black King alone.”

“We defeated the Black King for you though!” You point out. Vriska lets out a sharp cough. “Well, I mean, _Vriska_ defeated the Black King. That’s got to count for something, right?”

The King’s large, oddly-smooth head swivels effortlessly to set his blank gaze upon yours. Instantly, you regret having spoken.

“Whatever you have done in accordance with the rules of the game, including the slaying of the Black King, has been nullified by your numerous, unlawful transgressions. You have cheated your way here, therefore you will not receive aid from me.”

“I thought you said this guy wanted to talk to us.” Dirk wheels on the leader of the white imps, who now stands by the White Queen’s side. “Why would you even bring us here if this asshole is just going to turn us away?”

The little imp shrugs, completely unhelpfully, and you feel a hot rage boil in your belly. This is such bullshit! So you had to pull a few strings to get here, what’s the big deal? People cheat their way through life all the time. Hell, you have a few wasted years of mooching under your own belt.

All of this couldn’t have been in vain. Your mother’s death, the second you’ve had to live through, could not have been in vain. You will not allow it.

However, before you can articulate as such, more white imps begin to file their way into the throne room. These guys look much tougher than the ones who originally brought you here, as they’re armed with swords and pikes and the occasional comically-oversized lance. They form a line in front of the White King and level their weapons at your group.

“You will leave this palace and never return.” Proclaims the White King coldly. “Is that understood?”

The imp guards advance, threatening to push you and your friends from the hall. Vriska bars her teeth and growls like an animal, Dirk grips his sword handle tightly, and John… well, John just kind of stands there, looking as downtrodden and hopeless as ever. If you had a mirror in your possession, you’d examine your own reflection to see a fire burning in your eyes.

“John!” You shout at the friendleader, causing him to jump. “Do something!”

He blinks at you in surprise, opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it again. It’s obvious to you that he’s struggling to come up with something, anything that can turn this situation around, but is coming up completely empty. You won’t be getting any help from John and besides, your time is up, the imps are all but upon you now.

You have to make a choice: stay and fight these imps and their king or allow yourself to be kicked out into the Skaia wilderness to face Lord English alone, defenseless, all but already defeated.

“Wait!” Jane’s scream cuts through the hall like a hot knife through butter. “You can’t do this, Mr. King! It isn’t right!”

“Who are you to talk about what is right and wrong?” The White King responds evenly, as he reclaims his seat at his throne. “I’m the White King, obviously, master of all things good, fair, and just. I know more than anyone about what is _‘right’_.”

“Be that as it may, can’t you see that all the so-called _‘crimes’_ we committed,” Jane uses air-quotes. “Are justified? We _had_ to use Jack Noir to cheat our way through the seven gates. We didn’t have another choice!”

“You could have completed your quests and…”

“Opened the gates naturally. Yes, we’ve heard about it.” Jane takes a major gamble by cutting off the king like that. “But we couldn’t because that would take too long.  By the time we finished so much as one quest, Lord English could have destroyed _everything_.”

“Lord English is your problem. How many times do I have to say that?” The King rests his chin on his hand lazily.

He seems bored by these proceedings, only slightly less though than the White Queen, who is currently flipping through a colorful-looking magazine. Their indifference to your plight only makes you that much more infuriated and you silently curse the royalty, whilst urging Jane on.

“Well, the way I see it, Lord English is your problem too, Mr. King. That _monster_ plans on taking over the whole universe and that includes you and this fancy smancy castle, last time I checked.” Jane takes a step towards the White King, braving the well-armed imp guards to plead with the other-worldly being. “Please, Mr. King, we need your help right now more than anything. Yes, we created an enemy we couldn’t possibly hope to defeat on our own. Yes, we seem like stupid children to come crying to you for help. And yes, it probably goes against your grain to help cheaters like us. But can’t you see that we’re doing everything we can to make things right?!”

The White King continues to examine Jane coolly, although you do notice that the White _Queen_ has chosen to look up to investigate, interestingly enough. You wonder if she has any sway over the White King’s decision. She should, seeing how she’s the fucking _queen_ and all.

“You believe in staying true to the game, amirite?!” Jane continues, pointing towards the King. “You want to keep it’s integrity. But isn’t the point of games to win at all costs? To push things to the limit, bend the rules a little in your favor, seek out every resource you can to win? That’s what we’re doing. That’s why we’re here. If you don’t help us fight Lord English then everything is doomed and… and all of your high-falutin ideologies won’t mean a god-damn thing.”

Jane finishes strong:

“So… uh, what do you say, Mr. King? Wanna lend us a hand?”

Her final words echo around the hall like a deafening gunshot, despite their softness. Jane shoots you and Dirk a worried glance, to which you respond with a simple shrug. Dirk’s a little more helpful with a ‘thumbs-up’, but other than that, there isn’t much to do besides wait with bated breath for the White King to speak.

He eventually does, letting out a long sigh and dragging his hand down his face. His mystical ring glimmers in the light of the hall, mocking you with its un-tapped power.

“I’m sorry, players.” He beings slowly. “But your battles are yours to fight. Defeat Lord English and return here. Then your game will be won. Other than that, I can afford you no solace.”

“Fine.” Vriska immediately bites back, her voice laced with venom. “Fine. Whatever you say, your _majesty_.” She turns, seizes John by the wrist, and proceeds to lead the way from the hall. “Come on, humans. We don’t have much time before Lord English arrives. We better prepare.”

There’s nothing else left to say. With a new hollowness in your chest, which has replaced the short-lived fire there before, you fall in line behind Dirk and Jane and leave the hall. Casting a final glance over your shoulder, you see the imp guards, still standing before the nonchalant king, and the White Queen, who now wears a peculiar look on her face.

You watch the elegant alien lean out of her chair to speak into her husband’s ear, but you’re much too far to hear any of their exchanged words. The doors shut behind you forcefully as you step from the hall, casting you out with a horrible sense of finality. You are once again on your own, rebels without a cause, leaves on the breeze, awaiting your inevitable encounter with death.

Vriska marches ahead, still towing a near-comatose John behind like some sort of poor lap dog. She’s heading for the checkerboard hills in the distance, as if retracing your steps will do any good.

“Vriska, wait.” Jane calls after her. “We need to plan out our next move.”

“Our next move is to go back to the gates and wait for Lord English to show up.” Vriska snaps over her shoulder. “Simple.”

“Then what? When he shows up he’ll just kill us.” Dirk rubs at his chin. “That sounds like a shit plan to me. If you wanna know what I think, I say we charge back in there and _convince_ the White King to help us.”

“He won’t have none of it.” Jane sighs. “You heard him. We need to come up with something else.”

Something else indeed. You reach into Aradia’s satchel, which now hangs about your waist, and retrieve the Speak N’ Spell that currently houses the disembodied consciousness of one Calliope. She’s had some time to think in her little box whilst the rest of the group was running, fighting, or dying. Hopefully she has some new ideas, or at the very least something uplifting to say.

You should probably bring her up to speed regardless.

“Hey, Calliope.” You press the ‘on’ switch and speak into the device, as your group meanders its way away from the castle walls and takes a seat under a wide tree. “Are you still kicking around in there?”

“Ugh. Is there anywhere else I would be?” She sounds a little tired, also a little peeved. You suppose living in a box might not be as fun as… well, actually being alive you suppose. “Is there any particular reason you’re bringing me out now to the light of day? Or did you just finally remember that I was stuffed in a sack like just another piece of cargo?”

“Whoa. Easy there, Callie. I would have brought you out ages ago, it’s just that… there’s been some complications.” You quickly tell her about the recent events, recounting to her all about Jack Noir, the seven gates, Rose, Karkat, and Terezi, and then finally your rejection at the hands of the _noble_ White King. “Now we’re sort of sat outside of this castle, just looking at each other with absolutely no idea of what to do. Besides sit around and wait to die, of course.”

Calliope is silent for a moment, apparently pondering your words. You take this moment of silence to examine your remaining group members. Jane and Dirk are sitting nearby and listening to your conversation with Calliope with forced interest. They both seem a little defeated, not so much so as John though, who is lying flat on his back a few yards away, just staring towards the clear, blue sky.

Vriska is the only one standing, watching the horizon as if she’s keeping watch or something. Her eyes haven’t moved in some time though, so you’re relatively sure that she’s just as lost in thought as John seems to be. Eventually, Calliope returns:

“That most certainly is a lot of trouble.” Her voice has less bite in it now, and a lot more pain. “I uh… is John still there? I mean, he hasn’t cracked or anything, right?”

“I’m here.” John waves half-heartedly from his position on the ground.

“Oh! Goodness me. It’s good to hear your voice. I’m sorry, but my eyesight isn’t what it used to be. In fact, it’s completely non-existent as of now. Haha.” Her laugh is as fake as the robotic heart currently beating within her small, red box of a body. “I’m sorry for your loss. Karkat and the rest were kind to me during the time I knew them.”

“Yeah…” You don’t really know what to say to that, so you’re glad when Calliope changes the subject.

“So where do you stand as of now? With the White King unwilling to help us on our quest, I can’t help but feel like this rather complicated detour was a wild zolp chase!”

“What’s a zolp?” Dirk asks, leaning over to you and consulting Calliope.

“I’m glad you asked! A zolp is small mammal who was indigenous to my home-world. They were pesky little critters that were nearly impossible to catch, hence my metaphor. Oh, how I miss my home. None of this would have ever happened if I hadn’t played the rotten game.”

“Join the club.” John responds pitifully.

Everyone pauses a moment to lament the events that lead to this current situation. You’re having trouble remembering a certain thing that you did to contribute to this mess (other than possibly being just too incompetent, of course). Judging by your introduction to this world, it almost seems like your destiny was written amongst the stars.

Were you always meant to end up doomed?

It’s a depressing thought, albeit one that seems more and more likely to be true with every little thing that happens next. Looking around your group of friends, you can’t help but wonder sadly which one of them is going to wind up dead next.

“Back on track though,” Calliope continues. “What is our next step? Caliborn most definitely has the ability to follow you here to the battlefield. I’d say that you have left than a few hours time before he arrives.”

“H- hours?” Jane scoots over to join your side. “What do you mean _hours_?” 

“Well, of course he is aware that you opened the seven gates. You’d have to be a completely inept moron to not notice _that_ sort of energy expulsion. He’s most likely spending the time now pinpointing the exact moment to launch his final attack. So, yes. I’d say we have little more than a few hours left.”

“You can’t just say _‘a few hours’_!” You complain. “Give us a number dammit! The amount of time that I have left to live heavily influences how seriously I’m going to treat everything from here on out.”

“Alright, settle down. Now isn’t the time to lose our heads, alright?” Calliope’s forced calm demeanor slightly infuriates you more. “Let’s say… four hours at the maximum.”

“Is it four hours or not! Don’t start being all vague and mysterious on me, little missy!” You shake the Speak N’ Spell as if Calliope could actually feel your grip. Jane wisely removes the toy from your hands.

“Listen, Calliope.” She speaks into the box. “If you have any ideas on how to defeat your brother, now is the time to share them. We’re fresh out of plans. There is literally _nothing_ here that we can use to fight Lord English.”

“I wouldn’t speak just yet…” A silky-smooth voice objects from behind. The entirety of your group wheels to find the White Queen of all people slipping through the palace doors, holding her hands suspiciously behind her back. “Greetings, players. Perhaps I might sit with you for a spell?”

“Beat it, _your highness_.” Dirk immediately spits. “You’ve done enough sitting around and taking up space already- MUPH.”

“What my friend means to say is…” Jane quickly puts her palm over Dirk’s face to silence him. “Uh… why?”

“Because I think I might be able to help you on your seemingly useless plight.” Uninvited, the White Queen gracefully lowers herself by your side and makes you incredibly uncomfortable. You can now clearly see that she wields the mighty White King’s giant sword and a much smaller, mysterious item in her closed palm. “If you will allow me to help, that is.”

Vriska moseys her way back over to the group.

“The White King already told us to leave.” She says coldly. “If this is some sort of trick then…”

“This is no trick. I truly wish to help. The White King is imbued with the principal of supreme good. He lives to uphold the rules of the game, whilst denouncing wrong-doers. He is so blinded by his duties that he is all but unable to look past your criminal deeds to see your honest integrity.” The White Queen lifts the massive sword and holds it out to Jane. “I sympathize with your situation. Therefore, I bring you the White King’s blade, the only weapon in the universe which can harm those who wear the Black King’s ring.”

Jane eyes the sword warily and with good reason. It almost seems too good to be true that this White Queen will come out of nowhere to give you the help you so desire. However, Jane isn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth and hesitantly takes the sword all the same. It’s seriously about as long as she is tall and pretty ridiculous-looking in her small hands. 

“Shit. This thing is heavy.” She grunts. The blade dips to the ground as she tries to heft it. “Ugh. Dirk.”

The resident sword master himself accepts the large sword from her.

“It’s not so bad.” He smirks, giving the blade an experimental swing. He talks big talk, but the slight quake in his arms tells a different story. “Thanks, Queenie. It might be too soon to say, but I think this is just what we need to put a dent in Lord English.”

“Won’t you get in trouble for this?” You ask the queen. “Your hubby probably won’t like that you swiped his sword and gave it to us _‘criminals’_.”

“He has already retired for the day. By the time he realizes his possessions are missing your battle will already be finished one way or another. Like him, I am bound to my duties by the laws of the game. There is nothing he can do to should he chose to exact revenge.” The White Queen smirks. What a sassy cassy. You’re actually starting to like her. “Besides, no matter how long it might take, he could always craft another sword. This on the other hand…” She opens her palm to display her second gift. “Is much more difficult to replace.”

“Oh. My. Golden. Rings.” You breathe.

In the White Queen’s palm, sits the White King’s ring, a simple gold band gilded with glittering diamonds. The treasure shimmers in the brilliant light of the sun and ripples with untold power, filling you with a stupid amount of hope.

All might not be lost after all.

“I assume you know what this is.” The White Queen stares down at the magical jewelry. “This ring is the antithesis of the Black King’s ring in nearly every aspect. While the Black King’s ring gives the wearer supreme physical strength, immunity from death, and energy manipulation. This ring rewards the wearer with complete balance of one’s mind and soul.”

“Sounds like a bunch of hippie bullshit.” You can’t help but comment. “How can we use that to defeat Lord English?”

“Despite whatever you learned during your travels, there is nothing more powerful than a sound mind and soul.” She explains. “If you wear this ring when you go into battle with Lord English, there is no doubt that you will be victorious.”

Jane takes the ring too and holds it up to her eye level.

“It’s uh, beautiful. Haha.” She chuckles nervously.

“Well put it on.” Vriska leans in close, her eyes wide with wonder. “Let’s see what the big deal is.”

“Oh. Okay then.” Jane moves to slip it over her finger. “This isn’t going to hurt, is it…”

“Wait!” The White Queen lunges forward and grabs Jane’s wrists, preventing her from donning the ring. Everyone jumps in surprise, particularly Jane, who was already dangerously on edge.  For a second, everything is frozen in place as the White Queen awkwardly crouches there, clutching your friend. “Don’t put it on yet.” She says quickly. “I would… wait until the moment is right.”

She slowly releases Jane and returns to her original position. For a moment, no one really knows what to say to the bizarre scene that just took place. Jane is frozen in place, still clutching the ring dumbly like it’s a feral rat that may turn and bite her suddenly.

“Why- Why can’t I wear it now? When’s the _‘right’_ moment?” Jane continues to stare at the ring. “How can we use this to beat Lord English if we can’t even wear it?”

“You can wear it, just when the time is right.” The White Queen rises gracefully from her seat and brushes off her dress. “And you will know when the time is right. I suggest you head for the hills and seek shelter there. Ambush your foe when he arrives and, with the help of these gifts, you shall be victorious.”

“Ugh. Thanks for the sword, but do you have to be so vague and stupid about the ring?” Dirk asks. “The fate of the entire galaxy sort of hinges on us defeating this guy.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve given you all the assistance that I can. I have done my part, now it up to you all to finish this.” With a small bow, the White Queen then turns on her heel. “Remember, do not put on the ring until the time is right.”

She begins to walk away from the group then, but doesn’t get far before Jane jumps up and calls after her.

“Wait! Misses Queen! I have a question.” Jane steps forward as the Queen hesitantly returns. “It’s about our friend, Dave. He died pretty recently during a fight and, well, I know that you probably aren’t an expert on this sort of thing. Although, then again, you might actually be…”

“Get to the point.” Prods the Queen.

“Oh, sorry. It’s just that he didn’t come back to life afterwards, even though he was god tier and even though his death wasn’t heroic. He was crushed by rocks and stuff but that shouldn’t have stopped him… right?”

It’s a good question. You’d wondered that yourself, almost as much as you’ve wondered why John and Rose hadn’t made the same argument. Greif, you suppose, can cloud the mind sometimes.

“I understand how the game works,” Begins the White Queen slowly. “But death is a different matter, as are the minds of players. Some die because they have to, some die because they need to, some die because it was written in the stars, because they had to defend the ones they loved, or end the rule of those they hate.” She sighs wistfully. “And yet… others die still, simply because they no longer wish to live. I do not know the answer to your question, Jane Crocker. I wish you luck in the coming battle.”

And with that, she moves away from the group and back towards the castle, as everyone watches in a confused silence. Wrapping her knuckles on the large, wooden gates, she stands there and waits patiently for the doors to open, before slipping inside and disappearing from view.

You turn to Jane, hoping to see something else besides your own confusion reflected on her face, but you’re sorely disappointed. You watch her carefully slip the White King’s magical ring into her shirt pocket for safe keeping. That’s probably a good idea. You don’t know if anyone else in the group can be trusted with such an important artifact.

Most certainly not John, who’s been lying on the ground like a throw rug this entire time. The gifts from the White Queen certainly seem helpful, but if you’re going to have any chance of actually winning this, then John’s going to have to get his shit together.

You’ll talk to him in a bit. Perhaps when you’re ready to talk yourself.

“Well, guys.” Jane returns to the group and dusts off her robes, thinking of what to say. You don’t fancy her position, de facto leader of a haggard, down-trodden group of barely functioning misfits. However, if you think anyone can do the job, it’s probably her. “I guess our next step is to set up some kind of ambush for Lord English, that way Dirk can get him with the sword and hopefully kill him before any more of us get hurt. Who knows? Maybe if we take him out quick enough we won’t even need to use this mysterious, possibly dangerous ring at all.”

“Yeah, let’s hope so.” Dirk hefts the massive sword up onto his shoulder. “Well, if that’s the plan, then we better get moving. Only a few hours left till we have thrown down, right?”

“Right.” Jane motions for everyone to stand up. “Come on. Let’s get moving.”

Standing, you stow Calliope’s Speak N’ Spell safely once more in Aradia’s satchel and follow Jane’s lead away from the white castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two chapters left, plus an epilogue. So i guess three chapters if you want to be like that. 
> 
> I've been struck with some major JohnVris feels lately. Maybe it's because of the recent updates, maybe it's because I finally finished this shit story, or maybe it's because that's just how things work in the fucked-up mind of an insane shipper. Oh well. If you have any recs for JohnVris fics or art or music or anything, don't be afraid to comment.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	78. ACT 8 - PART 9

=> Be Vriska Serket

You are Vriska Serket. You’re sort of ready for all of this to be over.

Which is a little bit of an odd feeling for you when you think about it. All your life you’ve wanted to participate in a great, fate-deciding, epic battle, one that was decidedly awesome and important to the fate of the universe. However, you never could have imagined that things would turn out like this. There’s a good chance that this battle will probably be your last. Whether or not that’s a good thing or a bad thing is still left to be decided.

If you are to die though, it will probably be a heroic death, and that’s acceptable in your mind.

The gifts from the seemingly generous White Queen, the massive sword and the hippie ring, certainly appear to the naked eye to be your aces in the hole, but you just can’t shake the feeling like there’s something of a caveat to which you’ve been left unawares. Can you really trust the White Queen? With her narrow, dark eyes and near-expressionless face? She’s supposed to be a patron of good, right?

You suppose, after everything you’ve been through, that you should know by now that _no one_ , no matter what they say or do or look like, are one hundred percent _good_.

Jane Crocker, the human with the dorky glass and even dorkier haircut, leads the way towards the checkerboard hills where you will make your final stand against Lord English. A good question that you’ve asked yourself recently is: Why not make yourself leader?

You, Vriska Serket, out of all these losers could probably blaze the most direct path to victory. John couldn’t do it, Jane probably can’t do it, so why not you? It’s a good question, but one to which you don’t feel like you have a good enough answer for.

The back seat feels more natural, you suppose. It’s a vantage point with a certain, underhanded perspective where you can pull strings and relax when things get rough. It’s too late to take the helm now anyways, the end is practically here.

“I’m thinking…” Jane leads the way into an odd slope positioned between two hills. “That Dirk and Roxy hide up there,” She points to one hill. “And that John and Vriska hide up there,” She points to the other. “Then I’ll draw Lord English up the middle, so that we can jump him and then Dirk will get him with the sword. All we have to do, in my mind, is disarm him and then the rest is a cake walk.”

John shivers at the mention of cake, but you pointedly ignore him. The second human girl, Roxy with the oddly well-kept blonde hair and sweet bandit mask, folds her arms and examines the battlefield like a director on a movie set.

“Objection.” She argues. “No offense, Janey, but Lord English puts the ‘speed’ in _speed devil_. He also puts the ‘devil’ in it too now that I think about it. He’ll run you down five times over before you can lead him into the ambush.”

“John’s faster.” Dirk agrees. “Lord English can’t catch him when he’s flying and even if he does, John can just turn into wind and escape. He should do it.”

Everyone looks to John, only to find that the stupid human male is not where he was standing mere moments before. Casting about, you find him six feet to your left and approximately thirty feet straight up.

“Fuck. What the hell is he doing now?” Dirk swears, watching Egbert bob on the breeze.

“Maybe he’s getting a better vantage point?” Jane shrugs hopefully. “When he comes down, I’ll talk to him about being our human bait. I’ll phrase it better than that, of course, but that’s essentially what it is. In the meantime, why don’t we… secure the area… or something…”

Yeah, Jane’s a shit leader. But you’re fine to let her fake boss her friends around pointlessly for the time being. John has started to drift southward with the wind anyways, with no sign of coming down to Skaia anytime soon.

A squirm of annoyance twists your belly. You really don’t need this.

It’s ridiculous really, you following him as if he’s some kind of runaway kite. If Jane and the others see you jog away after him, they don’t call after you. You have a few hours until Lord English shows up anyways, at least according to that talking toy-box.

After a few minutes of tailing him, you’re almost ready to give up until he ends up accidentally lodged in the branches of a tall tree, perpetuating the kite metaphor.

“Stupid idiot waste of space.” You mutter nonsensically at the base of the tree. “Egbert! Are you alright?”

He doesn’t respond and you can’t really see him through the tangle of branches, other than his ridiculous god tier cape, of course.  The blue wind sock flaps in the breeze like a flag. ‘The Indivisible Republic of Brain-Dead Humans Named John’ would be the nation’s name and you would invade that nation and overthrow it like the radical revolutionary you are.

“You better be unconscious.” You mutter half-heartedly to yourself as you leap into the lower branches. Climbing trees isn’t much of a problem at all, even with your damaged robotic hand. You used to do shit like this all the time when you lived back on Alternia. As it turns out, a lot of role-play scenarios take place in the woods, particularly in the tops of trees. “John! Gog-dammit, you better not be ignoring me!”

He’s splayed out over several branches when you reach the top. The gangly asshole could be asleep if it weren’t for the fact that his eyes are open and that his hands are wrestling in his lap. Folding your arms in your best, stern ex-girlfriendly disapproval stance, you lean against the tree and glare at him with your one good eye.

“Ahem.”

His head shifts and turns so that he looks up at you, squinting to see you against the sun.

“Hey.” His voice sounds a little hoarse, either from not using it or crying, you aren’t exactly sure. He isn’t crying now, thank sweet baby jegus, but the signs are still there. You’d like to avoid that if at all possible.

“What the hell are you doing, Egbert.” You sigh. “Do you know how long I’ve been following you?”

“No. I’m sorry. You didn’t have to follow me.”

“Yeah, I did.” You crouch on your branch, getting closer to his eye level. “As much as you like the wind, you can’t just pretend to be like it in a time like this. If you haven’t heard, this is sort of the last hoorah.”

“I wasn’t pretending to be the wind.” He sounds like a child. All that’s missing is a propeller cap, a colorful lollypop, and the pouty lip.

Fuck, you need to stop digesting so much human culture. Stereotypes such as that are beginning to permeate your thought process.

“Well that’s certainly what it looked like.” This needs to be fixed, and fast. “Listen, Egbert. Just because things get rough, doesn’t mean that you can just shut down and give up. I taught you better than that.”

“I wasn’t giving up. I was just…”

“What?”

“I don’t know.” He rolls and puts his back to you. “Leave me alone. I’ll come down in a little bit.”

“No. You’re going to come down now.”

“Says who?”

“Says _me_.” You reach out and take him by the bicep. Damn, when did he get _these_ muscles? Probably from all of your hard work as his personal trainer. “Come on, Egbert.”

“Don’t touch me, Vriska.” He warns.

“Psshh. What was that? A threat? Give me a break.”

“I said, don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” You dig your fingers into his sleeve and shake him a bit. “What are you going to do? Are you going to pound me into a pulp like you did your _bro_ Strider?”

He turns his head to glare at you. From anyone else, you’d probably feel a little animosity, but from John, the glare is almost laughable.

“Yeah, that’s right.” You continue. “Anyone with two quarters of a brain could see that you got a little too carried away when you were _mourning_ Jade.”

“Shut up.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me, Vriska.” He tries to tug out of your grip, but you hold firm. “Don’t talk to me about my friends. It’s none of your business. I know that you hated them.”

“I never really _hated_ any of them per say. Jade was sort of cute, in a humany sort of way. Dave was always a good laugh too…”

“You hated _her_.” He snaps, cutting you off in a rare display of guts. “You’ve hated her for years for absolutely no reason that I can think of. You were probably happy when she died. You’re probably so fucking happy that she’s gone.”

You try to hold it in, you really do. You feel it originate in your gut and rise up your throat to your lips. You even remove your hand from John to clasp it over your mouth. However, your efforts are in vain as it escapes half a second later.

“Bahahahahaha!” You laugh pretty much in his face. “Holy shit, John. You are so fucking stupid!”

Well, he honestly didn’t see that coming. John pushes himself up onto his elbows, looking at you with more confusion than anything else like the rage and sadness that dominated his features before. You have a good, long laugh, while he simply stares.

“Do you really have no idea why I hated her?” You ask, grinning and leaning towards him. “Are you seriously that clueless? Answer me, John. Answer my fucking question.”

He gapes uselessly, yet still manages to shake his head.

“Because you _loved_ her, you spineless little fuck.” Your grin has widened to almost insane levels. “Years ago, back when it was just you and me, you _loved_ her just because she talked to you, or liked you, or something else stupid. You never loved me, John, not after all the sacrifices I made, not after everything that I did for you. It was always her.”

He’s still speechless and still just looking at you with that ridiculous amount of sincere confusion. It’s maddening. It’s _infuriating._ You want to shake him, or punch him, or kiss him, or break his legs.

“That’s why I hated her.” You keep talking. “Yeah, she was pretentious and bitchy and a bunch of other things that I won’t get into because she’s dead, and as we all know, you can’t talk bad about dead people, amirite? Oh, wait. Never mind. I seem to remember a lot of people talking bad about _me_ after I died.”

“Vriska, I didn’t…”

“Oh don’t lie to me, John. Most of the stuff you said about me after I died was right in my face. You remember, right? You remember when you broke up with me? Over something so pointless and stupid. It was just a misunderstanding, after all, just another thing that you didn’t understand.”

He’s got you going now are you aren’t going to stop any time soon. You’re still smiling that ridiculous smile, staring into his wide eyes, and speaking like you’ve never really had the chance to before.

“I forgot about you. Did you know that? I really did, or at least I tried to. While you were off, jumping between dimensions and winning the girl of your dreams, I was trapped, John. I was stuck there with everyone who had ever hated me and, you know what I did?” You lean closer still to John, dangerously straining the branch supporting you. “I killed all of those Dave’s in the void. Every single last one of them. They reminded me of you, of why you ran away, just like everyone else when being near me got a little too tough to handle, just like you were trying to do right now, just like you’re probably going to do when Lord English…”

John cuts you off by leaning up, wrapping his arms around your middle, and squeezing you in a tight hug. For a moment, you’re a little unsure of how to react, as is customary when John pulls this type of shit.

Up here, precariously balanced in a tree, John hugs you like he did on LOWAS, back when you were whole and didn’t give two shits whether he died or not. He hugs you like he’s just reappeared in the void after months without contact, long-haired and a little dirty and just so disgustingly the same after everything that had happened.

“I loved you, Vriska.” He argues into your shoulder. “You can’t say that I didn’t, because… because I really did. I don’t mean to throw this in your face or anything, but you’ve got to remember Equius’s lab. When I saw you with your new arm and… everything else that happened. I cared about you.”

You’d hoped that he wouldn’t bring that up, that no one would _ever_ bring up that momentary lapse in confidence ever again. Yet here he is, doing exactly that, and you’re _not_ going to kick his teeth in.

My, my, Vriska. You certainly have gone soft , haven’t you?

You tell the voice in your head which sometimes voices your subconscious thoughts to shut the fuck up, as you hug John back and decide to accept whatever may come.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means that your friends need you, now more than ever.

You’ve pissed away these past few hours being useless, but no more! Lord English is coming and it’s time to make your final stand against the monstrous, murderous, and maniacal big bad. All of the fights you’ve taken part in before can’t really compare to this one, which hasn’t even happened yet. Your heart feels like it’s beating a mile a minute as you fly Vriska from the tree and back to the rest of the group.

As nice as it was to sort of make peace with your ex-girlfriend, you can’t really afford to waste time right now by cuddling in the tree tops. Jane and Roxy are conversing deeply as you land near them, breaking up whatever they were talking about with a gust of wind.

“John!” Roxy flashes brilliant teeth when she sees you. “We were just talking about you. Where did you run off to this time?”

“Just needed to, uh… clear my head a bit.” You wave noncommittally. “You were talking about me? Nothing bad I hope.”

“Nope. All good things, all good things.” Roxy assures you. “Listen, I didn’t mention this before, but do you remember that troll guy I told you that I met in the void?”

“Tavros?”

“Yeah! That’s the one.”

Vriska, who was paying more attention to brushing leaves out of her hair than the actual conversation, suddenly perks up at the mention of the other troll’s name.

“You spoke to Tavros?” She asks. “How is he? What is he doing?”

“He was just floating around when I saw him.” Roxy shrugs. “I mean, he has two wooden peg legs, but other than that I suppose he’s fine. I don’t think he fought Lord English with the others when they helped me escape.”

“Yeah. I doubt he would. He’s sort of a punk bitch like that. Haha.” Vriska snorts with laughter, then catches herself. “Damn, I should probably stop ripping on that guy so much.”

“You did sort of kill him and break into his void-house.” You agree.

“Whoa. You killed Tavros?” Roxy looks at Vriska with wide eyes. “Why? Yeah, he’s a little snippy, but also kind of cute. Geez, no wonder he told me to deliver that message to you.”

“It’s a long story that is too complicated to explain in the time we have left.” Vriska snaps. “Get to the point here. What about Tavros?”

Jane coughs into her hand, gaining attention, and answers in Roxy’s place.

“Tavros mentioned to Roxy that it was possible to open a portal to the void by using our powers combined.” She explains. “We were just thinking that it might be worth a shot and, if we manage to even open a portal that maybe you, John, should be the one to go through it.”

“No.” Answers Vriska immediately before you can even open your mouth. “That’s stupid. What if you can’t keep the portal open and he ends up trapped there? Then our plan to beat Lord English is just as screwed as John will be.”

“Yeah, but imagine if we _do_ keep the portal open long enough for John to bring all of our friends back to life!” Roxy argues. “Listen, Callie says that we have at least a couple more hours until Lord English is supposed to show up. I say it’s worth the effort.”

“We have a solid plan already. Let’s not rock the boat too much.”

“No.” You cut through the discussion. “I want to try.”

“John…” Vriska gives you a disappointed look.

“Vriska, it’s fine!” You give her  your most winning smile. “This is purely for scientific purposes. If things get weird or it looks like it won’t work, then we’ll call off whatever magic spell we’re going to be weaving. I’m with Roxy on this one, I feel like we have to try.”

Roxy reaches over and gives you a solid fist bump, while Vriska continues to stare at you shrewdly. Instead of arguing further though, she just shakes her head, turns from the group, and throws her hands in the air.

“Fine. Whatever. You’re obviously sensible enough to make your own insane decisions now.” She stalks away towards the hills. “Where’s Dirk? Maybe I can use this time to actually do something constructive and practice with that sword of his.”

“He’s just over that hill.” Jane directs her. “And be careful sparing! The last thing we need is for someone to lose an eye!”

Vriska shoots a middle finger back in Jane’s direction before disappearing out of sight over the hill. Roxy chuckles and pulls you towards a clear spot of checker board ground.

“You sure do know some interesting characters, John.” She chuckles as her and Jane assume positions standing opposite one another.

“Vriska isn’t so bad.” You defend rightfully.  “You just have to get past her prickly exterior. She’s actually just… a normal girl in the end, I suppose.”

“Which that in of itself is pretty scary on occasion.” Roxy jokes again. “Come on, Janey. Let’s try to weave some magic.”

“Alright.” Jane rolls her shoulders and closes her eyes. “Any ideas on how this is supposed to work?”

“Nope. Let’s just wing it and see what happens. Here,” Roxy reaches forward and links hands with Jane. “When I use my void powers, I focus on what I’m trying to and why. Just, do whatever you do when you heal people and… I don’t know, concentrate _really_ hard on opening a portal.”

“Those instructions are so vague, they might just actually work.”

“Um,” You shift awkwardly next to the girls. “What should I do? Should I… like, stand anywhere in particular?”

“Right there is fine, Johnny, just don’t squirm too much.” Roxy closes her eyes as well. “Ready whenever you are, Jane.”

“Okay.” Jane’s face screws up in concentration. “Let’s start… now.”

At first, nothing happens, as per usual. You stand there before the two girls, like some sort of bullshit priest at the weirdest wedding ceremony of all time, thinking that maybe Vriska might have been right. When suddenly, blue sparks sizzle to life from the interlinked hands of Jane and Roxy, giving birth to a swirling portal, typical to the type used by Lord English to teleport here and there.

You watch the portal grow to head height, before it stops, and remains a swirling mess of blue energy.

“Okay, something happened.” You call to Jane. “Now what?”

Neither of the girl’s answer. In fact, they appear to be in some sort of trance. Welp, the portal _does_ some to be fully open. It’s now or never, Egbert

Taking a deep breath, you steadily walk forward into the portal. It swallows you up like a swirl of icy wind, but the chill quickly fades as darkness swallows every single one of your senses. You’re familiar with this feeling and easily recognize it as _death_.

Hello darkness, my old friend indeed.

The void hasn’t changed much since the last time you saw it. The desert is still there, with Tavros’s lopsided hive squatting quaintly between the sandy dunes. You can see the red apartment building that used to house all the Dave’s, the fish bowl-like hive that belonged to Sollux and Feferi, and the castle.

Wait… there wasn’t a full-blown castle here before. You suppose that progress waits for no one, least of all you. Vriska and her friends have been busy in the void, that’s for sure.

You float towards the castle. As the largest and arguably coolest structure to be built in the abyss, it’s where you think your friends would probably seek shelter the most. A gaping hole in the wall admits you entrance and, sure enough, in the main hall you find… well, most everyone you’ve been missing.

Jade sees you first.  She’s lying on her back, with her knees haphazardly sprawled over Dave’s lap, as she fiddles with some device that looks mysteriously like a pair of inter-linked Squiddle plushies. You suppose old habits die hard, literally.

Anyways, her eyes widen when she sees you float through the ceiling.

“SQUUEEEEEEEEEE!” She shrieks, tossing her project away as she propels herself upwards.

“Ooof! Careful, Jade! Jesus fucking christ…” Dave begins, looking up to find the source of Jade’s anxiety, aka: you.

All of your field of view is suddenly swallowed up in a mess of incredibly tangled black hair that you feel no shame in admitting you’ve missed dearly. Jade’s arms wrap around you in the most bone-crushing hug you’ve ever had the honor of accepting.

“John! No!” She rocks you in her arms, still maintaining a steel-like grip. “It’s so good to see you, but no! What happened!?!”

“Huh?”

“You died, didn’t you?!”

“Oh. Oh, no I didn’t!” You squirm out of Jade’s grasp and seize her by the shoulders. “Jane and Roxy opened up a portal to the void, isn’t that cool? So, I’m not dead. Wow, it’s really good to see you in one piece again.”

And it is. Her face has regained all of it’s color, her limbs are no longer twisted horribly, and her dress is completely blood-free.

“Come on! Come on!” Jade doesn’t comment on your ‘portal to the void’ comment as of yet. Instead she turns and hauls you down to the floor. “Guys! Guys, look who it is!”

You honestly wish that she wouldn’t make such a spectacle of all this. Sure, seeing all of your friends perk up at her shouts and come to greet you is awesome and all, it’s just that… Now you’ll probably be expected to give a speech or something or… god you don’t even know what you’re trying to say.

Dave’s never hugged you before, but he does so now, and it’s the coolest, most brotherly, and friendly hug you’ve ever had. You’re almost sad when he pulls away and gets quickly replaced by Terezi.

“MMmmmmm.” Her tongue drags a slimy trail up your cheek. “You taste… alive, Egderp. What gives?”

“I’m not really dead,” You explain aloud as Kanaya removes Terezi from you, so that she can hug you instead. “Roxy and Jane figured out a way to open up a portal to the void. I came here to see if I could rescue you guys!”

“Well it’s nice to see that that human girl actually listened to me.” Tavros waddles up next on his double peg legs. No hugs are exchanged between the two of you, although you are genuinely happy to see him. “But you won’t be taking us through any portals any time soon.”

“Why not?”

“Because it doesn’t work like that, dummy. We can’t just walk out here through whatever portal your friends open up, that only lets living players _in_ not dead ones _out_.”

“But you said…”

“What did I say?” Tavros folds his arms. “I said that together the heroes of life and void could open a portal. I didn’t say they could save everyone. If that were the case I would have told you to do that shit sooner.”

“So what? John came here for nothing?” Dave asks with a groan.

“Not for nothing!” Jade turns and scampers away. “I’ll be right back. The others need to see John before he goes.”

“Goes?” You question after her, but it’s too late, she’s always slipped through the doors and disappeared. “Guys, I can’t leave without you. That’s the whole reason I came!”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to, if you can’t take us with you.” Kanaya says sadly. “Do not worry though, after you defeat Lord English and recover his ring of power, you will be able to revive us.”

“One of us.” Corrects Terezi.

“No.” You shake your head firmly. “I’ll save all of you. I promise that.”

“Don’t make stupid, half-baked promises like that,” Karkat’s familiar voice is like music to your ears. He enters the hall, followed closely by Jade, Jake, and Rose. “It makes shutting down your hopes and dreams easily half as fun as it should be… what are you doing?”

You didn’t hear half of what he said, as you’ve just rushed up to Rose and scooped her up into your arms. The next few seconds, minutes, maybe hours, are a haze of warm hugs, sloppy kisses, and the occasional tear. Not from you, of course. You’re much, much too happy to cry in a time like this.

“John…” Rose’s voice is breathy and quiet when you finally pull away slightly, just enough to rest your forehead against hers. “Jade mentioned a portal. What’s going on out there? Is Roxy…”

“They’re fine.” You kiss her again quickly. “They’re all fine. Right now, at least.” You reluctantly pull away fully and address the assembled group as a whole. “Everyone up there is fine right now. Dirk, Vriska, Jane, Roxy and I have a plan to beat Lord English. I suppose… we just wanted to see if you guys could help first.”

“Well, we can’t.” Karkat looks a little more peeved than usual. Probably from the uncomfortable display of affection which you and Rose just showered them with. “It’s been well-established that Jane is a shit hero of life who can’t bring us actually back to _life_.” He walks right up and jabs you in the chest with his index finger. “You’re little lapse in judgment back with Jack Noir got us killed…”

“You agreed with his decision to trust Jack Noir, remember?” Terezi comes out of nowhere and all but leaps onto Karkat’s back. “Don’t start passing the blame now, asshat.”

“Get off of me!”

You grin and stifle a chuckle as you watch the flushed pair wrestle for a moment. Hot damn! You missed these guys.

“Listen, John.” Kanaya approaches you then. “This plan of yours, to defeat Lord English, whether or not it work  I belive you should know that we _all_ know that you’ve done your absolute best. You’ve been a good friend to me and I thank you for that.”

“Whoa, whoa. Guys,” You wave off her words. “I’m not leaving. Don’t start saying _‘goodbye’_ or whatever. We have so much to catch up on!”

“We’ll catch up after you beat Lord English and win this thing!” Jade rushes up and hugs you again. “But until then you need to help Jane and rest prepare to fight. Roxy showed up in the void after I died, we distracted Lord English so that she could escape. He zapped off as soon as she left though and he’s probably been looking for you guys this entire time! You can’t waste time chilling with us.”

“But this isn’t a waste of time.” You argue pitifully. “Jade, I… I can’t do this without you guys. I thought that if I came here…”

“That you’d be able to exploit the kindness in our hearts for your own personal gain? Well think again!” Karkat finishes your sentence. He looks much more flustered after his short tumble with Terezi. “You dug your burial mound, now it’s time to climb inside of it.”

“What he’s trying to say is that we trust you to do this, Egbert.” Terezi grins toothily at you. “You’re a hero after all!”

You look around your friends. Here, in this ghostly castle, is everyone that you’ve ever really cared about in the entire fucked up universe, besides your dad of course. Rose, Dave, and Jade were your only real friends back home. Karkat, Terezi, and Kanaya, are the coolest aliens you’ve ever met. And Jake and Tavros are both so cool and… Fuck! You think you might be tearing up a bit.

Through the fog of heartache and genuine love one thought rings true: your time here is short and your friends back on Skaia need your help.

“I- I… suppose I better go then.” You mumble, scuffing your sneakers in the dirt.

Everyone is silent for a moment and a horrible sadness seems to hang in the air.

“Hey, Bro.” Dave offers his fist and you bump it. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“Yeah. You too, Dave.”

Jade hugs you again, for what feels like the fifth time in as many minutes. Her fingers dig into the back of your shirt momentarily before she’s gone and back under Dave’s arm. A sad smile adorns her face, clashing horribly with the water forming at the corners of her eyes.

“Good luck.” Kanaya hugs you too.

“Break _all_ of your bones. Hehehe.” Terezi cackles.

“Don’t sweat it, mate.” Jake, still wearing his ridiculous god tier, walks up and dispenses a warm slap on your back. “If anyone can save the entire blasted universe, I’m pretty sure that it’s you.”

“You really think so?” You ask hopefully.

“Of course! Why would I lie about that?” Jake tugs at his collar and retreats. “Keep an eye out for Vriska and Dirk and Jane and Roxy for me. They’ve got hearts of gold, all of them.”

Rose is next. She walks right up to you, a small smile quirking her black-painted lips.

“It’s almost funny to think about how all of this started.” She busies herself with adjusting the collar of your shirt and making sure that your hood is centered firmly on your shoulders. “Promise me that you won’t do anything… overly heroic. You’ve displayed a disturbing lack of self-preservation in the past.”

“Sorry.” You’re having trouble articulating full sentences suddenly. “I… Rose, I- I want to ask you something…”

“Yes?”

“I don’t know really what’s going to happen when I go back. I mean, I’d like to win this thing and defeat Lord English, but…” You swallow hard. Get the point, idiot. “I’m pretty sure that I love you, like a lot and… I guess I want to ask is no matter what happens, you’ll wait for me, right?”

Rose isn’t smiling anymore, but staring up at you with a powerful, and honestly slightly intimidating, intensity. Her violet eyes fill your vision as she leans up and kisses you deeply. Her lips are cold, like the void, and reminiscent of your first kiss, on the top of a spire, moments after death.

“I love you too, John.” She says. “And, yes. I’ll wait if you will as well.”

This is uncharted territory for you, but you do the best you can:

“Oh.”

“Oh. Indeed.”

She drifts away then, gracefully, like a specter of orange and gold and violet and blue. In the coming hours, when everything you’ve ever done comes to its crescendo, you’ll do you’ll best to remember this moment, with Rose Lalonde standing before you, young and beautiful and near almost everyone you’ve ever, truly loved.

You turn to Karkat last.

“I guess this is goodbye then, old pal.” You step forward to hug him, but he raises his fist threateningly.

“Touch me and you’ll regret it.” He growls.

“Heh.” You can’t help but chuckle at that. “See you around too, Karkat.”

With a final wave to all of your friends, you turn to leave. Only to be stopped once more by a quiet cough. Turning again, you find Karkat of all people to be the perpetrator. His fist is covering his mouth and his face steadily grows more and more red with blush.

“John.” He appears to be choking. “Before you go, I guess I should tell you that… I never really hated you, alright? I was just deluding myself into believing that you were a lower life form than me. I was always… sort of _‘okay’_ with you.”

By his side, Terezi clasps her hands together and holds them to her chest. Everyone else looks frankly stunned by Karkat’s near declaration of love.

You just smile.

“Thanks, Karkat.”

“Fuck off! That was such a back-handed compliment, don’t even pretend it was genuine.” Regaining some composure, Karkat flaps his arms at you. “Now get the fuck out of here.”

Grinning madly to yourself, you turn once more and fly from the castle with the approximate velocity of a speeding bullet. The swirling blue portal, kept open all this time by Jane and Roxy lies ahead. Even though you’re actually going back through the portal alone, you can’t help but feel like you’re bringing a piece of all of your friends with you, no matter how stupid and cheesy that sounds.

As the icy breeze of life overtakes you again, you can’t help but feel a little optimistic about what lies ahead. Because as long as you don’t totally fuck this up, you’ll be with your friends in the end. No matter what.

And there’s nothing Lord English can do to change that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JohnRose is sunk. There's no getting around it. They're great friends, but that really looks like that's all it's going to be though. Rosemary is law and I can live with that.
> 
> One thing through: Nearing the end of act five, before Rose and Dave go to try and blow up the green sun or whatever, Rose asks Dave to deliverer a message to John from her. As far as I know, the message has never been divulged outright and nobody but Hussie knows what it was. This goes without saying, but I would really fucking love to know what that message was
> 
> Even if it's like: "Hey, John. You're a really nice guy, but I cannot say for certain where my affections lie as of yet. That being said, if the fate of the human race depended on us coming together in matrimony, then I could get off much worse. Love, Rose" Then that'd be fine with me! I just wanna know man...
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	79. ACT 8 - PART 10

=> Be Lord English

You are Lord English. So, yeah. This is pretty much it.

The final throw down.

You’ve put a lot of work into this game, done some pretty unsavory things, pulled at the very strings of space and time, all to work the universe and all of it’s bizarre infinite machinations in your favor. If everything pans out the way you’ve planned it to, then by the time all of this over, you should be the supreme ruler of… well, pretty much everything.

And it’s going to be totally fucking sweet.

That little blip with the Felt was annoying, sure, but not world-shattering. You’d been in contact with the gangsters for a long while, working with them to insure that they’d be there to carry out your fiendish deeds when you needed them too. What you didn’t count on was the humans being total idiots.

That one time traveling human screwed everything up when he decided to ditch his friends for his ridiculous adult male guardian. You know the one. The ridiculous adult male guardian with the pointed shades and the sword and the overall badass persona that even _you_ had to pause and appreciate.

Before you killed him, of course.

Anyways, you know full-well how that turned out. The human and troll players came and killed all of your Felt gangsters, although not without losing a few of their own in the process. That’s all fair and well with you, as you could care less whether or not the players won a single battle here or there, as long as the destiny you outlined as the alpha timeline remains forward and true.

No, the real blow you sustained in that battle was the loss of your sister, Calliope. There’s something to be said for the tenacity of the humans, goading you into revealing her fate, then stealing her storage drive. Although you’d never go as far as to compliment those imbeciles, they truly are stupid, not to mention puny, insignificant, and a jumble of other incredibly insulting things that you don’t have the time list.

But you could if you wanted to, because: Lord of Time

There’s an argument to be made about whether or not the loss of Calliope is a true loss or not. Sure, you would have liked to have kept her under your watchful _protection_ for all of eternity if you could, but really, what critical information can she possibly give the humans to spoil your chances of victory? You sure can’t think of anything off the top of your head.

In actuality, all the humans have done by taking Calliope is just given themselves something else to look after and protect. So really, it’s no skin off your fangs. It just stings your fury throbber to think that the so called _‘heroic’_ players are sitting somewhere having a good laugh, thinking that they were able to outfox ol’ Lord English.

You’ll show them what’s what soon enough.

After losing the human girl, Roxy, through a pretty intense chase through the void, you’d returned back to your base of operations in order to regroup and plan out your next steps. Meditating serves well to calm your nerves after a fierce battle, when your blood lust has risen to an almost unbearable level. More than that, by sitting and quietly concentrating, you can literally feel the fingers of time, stretching across all of existence.

Like a vicious spider, you can use your scepter and your time abilities to set up a metaphorical web of sorts, spanning across the medium. All you have to do is wait for the certain moment, where something might draw your attention. Say… the opening of the seven gates to Skaia, for instance.

Your web is triggered by an incredible expense of mythical energy as the gates are opened. Without wasting so much as a second of precious time, you grab your scepter and create a portal through time and space.

“This is going to be so fucking cash.” You grin to yourself as you step through the gate and emerge in the heart of the medium itself, where all eight lands intersect at a single point and the gates reside. “Just wait until those humans see me burst through the ceiling. They aren’t going to know what…”

You spot the black and white tower, with the glowing gates erected in a column of pure light, stretching towards the sky. It’s a pretty cool sight, which quickly loses your interest when the gates suddenly blink out of existence one by one.

Entering the base of the tower by squeezing through the stupidly small front doors, you spot the Black King lying on the ground, beheaded, and in a puddle of his own, bright red blood.

So much for that chump bitch. You never liked him much anyway. He never used his precious ring of power to his full potential. Idiot.

Up the stairs, you find more corpses still. The human girl with the orange robes and the silly haircut, as well as two trolls, the crazy one and the shouty one. You could pause to honor their sacrifice or maybe slap their bodies around in a quick game of field hockey, but you’ve got other things to worry about.

You approach the center of the tower’s top floor and see that the pedestal, which is the physical embodiment of the gate’s lock, has been all but completely destroyed.  With that gone, it could take you hours to weave a portal stable and strong enough to literally rip a hole in the fabric of the universe to reach Skaia.

“You’ve bought yourselves some time, little players.” You grumble, as you take a seat amongst the corpses and rest your scepter across your knees. “But don’t worry your little heads. I’m still coming.”

As you work, you wonder if the White King will lend the players aid. That’s why they retreated to the battlefield, right? To see if they could get the ruler of Skaia itself to fight their battles for them? It’s a cowardly move, but also the smart one. If the White King does decide to help, then that might pose the tiniest fraction of an issue.

His blade is the only one which can pierce your skin while you wear the Black King’s ring. You’ll have to proceed with caution from here on out. Something major is about to happen in this timeline, you can sense it like a giant, tangible mass in your theoretical universe web or whatever you want to call it.

Beyond the blockage in the timeline, you can sense… nothing. As troubling as that may sound, that can only mean one of two things:

First, this timeline may be doomed. You can discount that theory easily as a hero of time. Everything about this timeline is stable, you’ve seen to that yourself by inhibiting the powers of other time players.

The only other option, the second one, is that the future has yet to be decided as of now. In short, things could branch off in a few different directions from here. Now, yeah, you know that you earlier claimed to know how things are going to end and you swear that you do.

There is no path ahead besides total victory for yourself. Everything else is just an impossibility.

The portal to Skaia opens, a customary red, swirling mass of ethereal energy. A wide grin splits your lips as you rise to your feet, heft your scepter, and immediately step through it.

Let’s end this.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means that mostly everything, with a few choice exceptions, has lead to this final moment right here.

Everything is in place. Vriska, Jane, Dirk, and Roxy lie in wait back at the ambush point and you’re here, standing on the checker board slope where the seven gates first dumped you off when you reached the Skaia battlefield. When Lord English arrives, he’ll most definitely pop up here according to Calliope and you’ll be here to meet him.

This is a risky maneuver, since if you can’t out run Lord English, there’s a good chance that you’ll little ambush plan will be shot down before it can even gain some altitude. Plane metaphors aside, you’ll probably end up super dead if Lord English catches you.

And while that would be unfortunate for a number of reasons, the prime loss there would be you’ll removal from the fray. And if there’s one thing you want more than anything else right now, it’s to keep those friends you still have left alive actually still _alive_.

You obviously can’t do that if you’re dead, so yeah, don’t die, you friggin doof.

You’re tugging at a loose string on your shirt when Lord English appears. His portal opens right in front of you, a swirling red eye of death, and then he follows shortly after. Stepping onto the battlefield and rising to his full height, Lord English towers over you, with his golden scepter in hand and his shimmering over-cloak billowing in the breeze.

“John!” He greets warmly, as his billiard ball eyes flash madly. “What a wonderful surprise. How have you been, little guy?”

You play your part to the best of your ability:

“Lord English!” You gasp and hurriedly fumble to raise your hammer. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you think, idiot? I’m here to brutally slaughter you and all of your stupid friends.” He shields his eyes from the sun and casts his gaze around the surrounding mound and dips. “Where are your little pals, anyways? There can’t be that many of you left. Probably about four, right?”

“My friends are somewhere you’ll never find them- they’re at the castle.” You blurt, then angrily bonk yourself in the head with the heel of your hand. “Shit! I wasn’t supposed to tell you that!”

“Hahaha! Idiot, weak human. Way to drop the ball. Haha!” Lord English’s booming laughter seems to rattle the very teeth in your skull. He lazily spins his scepter in his palm. “After I rip you to pieces, I’ll go to that castle and finish of your friends. How does that sound?”

“No! Don’t do that!”

“Sorry, but I’ve already made up my mind.” He spins his scepter a final time before catching it in his fist. The treacherous, magical artifact sparks dangerously as he raises it above his head to strike you down. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ll always look back on your feeble attempts to stop me with a small smile on my face.” He grins once more. “See you around, John, but then again, maybe not…”

He brings his scepter down on top of your head, but you swiftly transform into wind and dissolve out of harm’s way. Rematerializing a few feet out of his impressive striking range, you taunt him with faux confidence.

“If you want to kill me, Caliborn, then you’ll have to catch me first!”

“That’s not my name anymore, creten.” He advances towards you quickly. “As you’re well-aware!”

He swipes at you again and you propel yourself backwards on a flurry of wind. There can’t be anymore wind transformations now. You’ll have to do this the old fashion way if you want to lead him to Dirk’s sword.

Turning tail, you flee from Lord English, summoning the wind for an extra burst of speed. You can tell from the earth-shaking footfalls that Lord English is giving chase. Which is good for the plan, but not so good for your overall well-being, as a blast of red lightening suddenly flies over your shoulder, missing you by inches and causing all the hairs on your body to stand on end.

“Run, blue boy!” Lord English follows, throwing more lightning carelessly your way. “RUN!”

Damn, is he actually _enjoying_ this? Somehow, your hated for this insane monster only seems to grow with every deadly encounter you have with him. It’s almost reached peak levels of animosity, pure hated that can probably only be perceived in the fifth dimension or above, which sucks because you’d really like Lord English to know how much you dislike him.

Oh well.

You weave between trees and over hills, obstacles that he charges right through and smashes to bits with his impressive bulk. Up ahead, you can see the ambush point and the two hills where your friends lie in wait. It looks like everything is going to plan at the time being, as Lord English follows you right towards the hills, hot on your tail.

This better work.

* * *

=> Be Dirk Strider

You are now Dirk Strider.

At the moment, you’re about to lay down a serious beatdown.

Strider style.

John appears in the distance, a streak of blue against the checkerboard ground and pearly white clouds. Lord English follows half a second after. He cackles like a madman and swings his scepter like a dickhead, blasting trees and boulders out of his way in his attempts to reach John.

It will only be a matter of seconds before they’re both upon you. This is it. You’re making this happen.

You look to your side, where Jane is also crouching out of sight with her giant, red fork. She gives you a nervous glance, which you respond to with your signature, confident smirk.

“You ready for this?” You ask, as your shades flash in the sunlight.

“No.” She answers honestly.

“Well…” You watch John blaze a path between the hills and disappear into the sky. “Here we go.”

As Lord English passes beneath you in pursuit of John, you leap up from beyond the crest of the hill and charge towards the monster. The battle cries that fill the air also mean that Vriska and Roxy, on the opposing hill, have leapt out of their hiding spots as well. Jane follows after you, as you sprint down the slope with the White King’s massive sword pulled back to strike a deadly blow.

Lord English comes to a screeching halt when you and the ambushers make their appearance and blinks in surprise, obviously taken off guard by this rather ballsy maneuver. He doesn’t react quickly enough and you drag your massive blade through the air, bringing it around and swinging it towards your foe with all of your impressive might.

The blade sings like an angle as it swishes through the air and Lord English lets out a mighty roar as it pierces his skin. A long, dark line of red is neatly drawn across his right bicep as he turns away from your attack and avoids any major damage.

He stumbles backwards, pressing a large hand to his even larger arm in an attempt to staunch the flow of blood. His mouth hangs open in shock and his billiard ball eyes, which typically flash like strobe lights in some shitty club, have come to rest on a pair of double eight balls.

It takes all of your strength to stop the blade’s forward momentum, which surely would have pulled you off of your feet if you’d left it unchecked. Being so unwieldy, it might be a few seconds before you can use the powerful blade again, which shouldn’t be a problem as long as Jane, Vriska, and Roxy keep Lord English busy.

“YOU IGNORANT FOOLS!!!” Lord English bellows, looking from your sword to his wounded arm. “THIS IS NOTHING! YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT THE UPPER HAND?!”

Vriska and Jane both leap towards Lord English and stab with their respective weapons. He accepts both of the blows as if their simple pats on the chest and responds with a mighty sweep of his scepter. Everyone is forced to duck as lightening flickers overhead, burning the sky  and probably taking a few inches off of your spiky hair.

From the heavens, descends none other than John Egbert, who brings his hammer down on top of Lord English’s with a loud _slam_. The lightening ceases and you look up just in time to see Lord English shake John away and let out another deafening roar.

“NO MORE GAMES!!!” He cries, pounding his own chest like a silverback. “I’M LITERALLY SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!”

You turn to Jane as Roxy and Vriska advance on the monster once more.

“I’d put on that ring now if I were you, Crocker!” You bark, hefting your sword to prepare another strike. “Looks to me like this guys about to reach nuclear levels of rage!

“Oh! Good idea.” Jane digs a hand into the pocket of her robes. “And don’t call me that, dammit!”

As Jane fumbles with her jewelry, you push yourself forward and charge Lord English once again. He smacks Roxy away and prepares to pound Vriska with his scepter, but he’ll never get the chance. You leap into the air and drag the sword forward once more with all of your strength.

You grit your teeth, you narrow your eyes, you focus every fiber of your being into cleaving this asshole’s head in two and then… something happens.

The heart emblem on the breast of your god tier robes, which you’ve all but ignored until now, begins to glow with purple energy. Magic surges from your chest and up your arms into the sword, which also begins to glow. In an instant, you realize, it really _is_ time to lay down a serious beatdown.

**PRINCE OF HEART STYLE.**

The sword flashes through the air, a purple haze of magic bullshit clouds your vision, and Lord English screams again as you strike him directly in the chest with your blade. For a split second, you are connected to the Lord of Time through the weapon and you feel something truly bizarre, an incredible amount of energy coursing through your mortal enemies’ body.

Just ripe for the taking.

Time slows down as the blade slashes across his torso, ripping at his robes and flesh. You use this time to suck as much of his life force into yourself as possible, using the White King’s magic sword as some kind of super straw paired with your prince of heart abilities.

This is it. You’re going to defeat him. You’ve figured it out. Dave and Jane and Jake are going to be so fucking jazzed when they see that you took down Lord English all by yourself- OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING! STOP! STOP! STTTTOOOOOOPPPP! SHHITT!

Time refuses to accelerate, power continues to surge into you at an unstoppable rate, and through the electric haze of heart-stealing energy, Lord English’s face appears. His eyes flash as he speaks in a musical voice:

“Cocky, douchebag.” He hums. “You’re only human.”

You touch down on the ground again and the sword falls from your grasp to impale itself in the ground at Lord English’s feet. You’ve managed to strike the beast twice, once on the arm and the chest, but it wasn’t enough. He’s still standing and you…

It feels like you’re on fire.

You barely have time to let out a terrified shout, something to warn the others, before you’re completely ripped apart by the power you absorbed from Lord English and scattered to the breeze like dust.

 **YOU ARE DEAD**.

* * *

=> Be Jane Crocker

You are now Jane Crocker.  Only love can make a golden wedding ring.  
  
As Dirk races away to take another stab at Lord English, quite literally, you pull the ring out of your pocket and quickly examine it one more time in the light of day. The White Queen says she stole this from the White King and then gave it to you as a gift, to be used to assist in the fight against Lord English. It’s supposed to give you complete inner peace as well as fine tune your connection with you own soul, whatever the fuck that means.

You just hope that it works.

Slipping the ring over your finger, you expect several things to happen: you anxiety to cease, your heart rate the slow, the urge to scream to disappear. However, none of those things stop being a problem. In fact, the longer you stand there like an idiot waiting for something magic to happen, the more you want to double up and vomit out of sheer nerves.

The ring isn’t working. Something’s wrong with you. Fuck! You’ve ruined everything!

Dirk’s shout draws your attention away from your own pitiful problems. Looking towards Lord English, you see a truly strange sight, and that’s saying something considering all the fucked up shit you’ve seen during your campaign. Dirk is standing in front of Lord English, having just finished scoring another deep gash across the monsters chest, although instead of doing a celebratory jig or something, Dirk’s just standing there.

Magical-looking, purple electricity swirls around him in a haze and you’re about to call out to him when…

He suddenly explodes in an concussive shockwave of sparks that blasts you off of your feet and tosses you into the air like a rag doll. You hear Roxy scream and Lord English laugh and then a horrible _crunch_ as you land face-first on the hard, unforgiving ground once more.

You slide for a few feet before coming to a stop. All around you, stuff is happening or at least you think that’s the case. You spend a few precious seconds making a mental checklist of all your facilities to make sure that you didn’t lose anything important upon reconnecting with the earth.

Your arms and legs are still there, as well as your head, which would have really blown to have lost. Gingerly, you roll yourself onto your back and feel at your face. You’re bleeding from the nose, which is awful, but easily fixable as you shoot a few healing sparks it’s way.

It’s when you cast about for your red fork that you realize the extent of the damage done. Your loyal weapon, stolen from CrockerCorp labs, lies in several pieces nearby.

Fucking shit. You really like that thing.

A shadow blots out the sun and you look up quickly to see John descending towards you from the sky. He looks a little sick, pale-faced and tight-lipped, as he drops down heavily by your side.

“Dirk’s dead.” He doesn’t waste any damn time. “Come on. Get up. We need to find that sword.”

“D- Dirk’s dead?”

“Jane, please. There’s no time. You have to come on.” He grabs you under the arm and hauls you to your feet. As you grip him back for support, he sees the gaudy ring positioned on your finger. “Oh! Flipping sweet. You’ve got the ring on. How does it feel?”

“John- It’s not doing anything at all! I feel exactly the same!”

“Maybe you’re just already in-tune with your inner spirit or whatever.”

“No.” You shake your head furiously. “No, that’s not it at all.” You wriggle the ring off and feel absolutely nothing when it leaves your finger. Quickly, you pass it off to John. “Try it on. I don’t think it works with me or maybe… oh shit. John, maybe it’s just a-”

You’re cut off when Lord English comes charging out of the mist that used to be Dirk and races right towards you and John. A surprised squeal tears itself from your lips as you throw yourself to the ground once again. John floats in the opposite direction, allowing Lord English to plow right between the pair of you harmlessly.

The ring is in John’s hands now, but you doubt he’ll be able to put it to any better use. Just before Lord English broke up your and John’s hastily meeting, you’d just come to the stark realization that the rings might not be special or magical at all, that maybe the White Queen lied or something.

Maybe the ring is a placebo.

You’ve no time investigate now though as Lord English has come to a stop right above you with his scepter raised high. There’s nothing you can do. If you try to crawl away, he’ll catch you, same if you try to stand up. You simply lie there and look up into the face of death itself.

“ _Heiress_.” He mocks with an evil smirk. “Lovely to see you again.”

The scepter, held a foot in front of your face, begins to glow with otherworldly magic. You can feel it’s heat already singing the cropped hair on your head and toasting your cheeks. This is pretty much it, you decide. You resign yourself to death as light fills your vision.

“JAANNNEE!” John yells beyond your line of sight.

He’s probably coming to save you, but it’s no use. As much as you’d like to _not_ die, it’s much too late for John or Vriska or Roxy or really anyone to do anything.

**YOU ARE DEAD.**

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are once again John Egbert. Which means you’re watching your alternate universe grandaughter get incinerated right before your very eyes.

There’s no time to think about what just happened or to plan your next move. You’re already speeding towards Lord English like a freight train. Your mind is blank accept for one, singular, powerful thought: You need to make him pay.

Colliding with Lord English is relatively similar to running smack-dab into a solid brick wall. However, an extremely relevant difference between a collision of that nature and your assault on Lord English is that you, John Fucking Egbert, have the power of the wind on your side. You manage to knock Lord English backwards, as you push yourself against him with all the power you can muster.

He stumbles and for a second you think that you’re going to be able to shove him over and gain the upper hand, then his powerful fist slams into your back and swats you to the ground like you’re nothing more than a pesky fly.

Oh how quickly you regret your half-baked plan, as you look up through watery eyes to see Lord English grinning down at you. It’s extremely likely that your lapse in judgment is going to get you fried just like it did Jane, unless…

The golden ring given to Jane by the White Queen is still clutched tightly in your palm. You quickly slide it onto your finger as Roxy suddenly comes out of nowhere, a dark blue flash to deliver a fierce uppercut to Lord English’s stupid face.

“Fuck off, you big ol’ prick!” Roxy yells, punching him again in his thigh, the highest part of him that she can reach from the ground. “Pick on someone your own size!”

Her words don’t do much to hurt Lord English’s feelings, you’re sure about that, but whatever. The words that stream out of her mouth, the curses and such, are probably more for her benefit than anything else.

Leaping to your feet, you focus on the golden ring and wait for something to happen. Nothing does. Jane was right. The ring is nothing special after all.  

Without wasting any more time, you wisely attack with your hammer once more, as opposed to blindingly throwing yourself forward and receive some much more promising results. Your hammer connects with the side of Lord English’s head and actually manages to cause him to stumble half a step.

Roxy takes advantage of the situation throw in a few more punches, further irking the resilient villain. As you dodge a lightning bolt and swing your hammer his way once more, you wonder if you and Roxy are doing any legitimate good in this fight or if this is just waste of time. Also, you wonder what the fuck happened to Vriska.

Last you saw, she was running around circles around Lord English with Roxy, but after Dirk’s, uh… _end_ ,you’d lost sight of her. A large part of you hopes that she’s somewhere safe, while the other part hopes that she comes sweeping in to perform some glorious deus ex machina that totally negates everything awful that’s happened so far.

This seems unlikely though, as Lord English suddenly swipes at you with his large hand, attempting to impale you on his long, sharp claws. Transforming quickly into wind, you allow his swipe to pass right through you and…

Directly into Roxy.

Your eyes widen in horror when you rematerialize a second later to see brilliant, dark purple lines blossom through the navy fabric of her tunic. Her mouth opens wide as she looks at you and tries to shout something or scream or cry for help. However no sound escapes her lips as her legs wobble and give out, sending her slumping to the ground.

“GRRAAAAHHH!!!”

You turn to Lord English and he returns your gaze, both of you are a little confused, since neither of you are screaming. Suddenly, there’s a flash of white, and then and explosion of red that literally paints the sky momentarily before sending down fat drops of blood on top of your unsuspecting head.

It’s abruptly very quiet, as you and Lord English both stand frozen with confusion. Vriska has appeared by your side, clutching the now extremely bloodied white sword in her hands. You eyes follow the blood from the blade, across the ground, and up to Lord English, where you see that Vriska has miraculously dealt a truly devastating blow against the monster:

Completely severing his right leg from the knee down.

Silence continues to rein as both you and Lord English stare at the severed limb. All you hear is Vriska’s heavy breathing and then… Lord English remembers to scream.

“AWWW FUUUUUUUUCK!” He roars, falling to the side and catching himself with his hand and remaining leg. “SON OF A BITCH!”

Vriska turns, struggling to lift the sword again with her broken robotic hand. Lord English, with a snarl of pure rage and pain, flashes his scepter towards you and Vriska with his free hand and sends an arc of lightening right towards your final, remaining friend.

 _“Welp.”_ You think to yourself. _“If it had to happen some way, might as well be like this, right?”_

Gritting your teeth, you take a ultimate, desperate leap forward. The loyal wind carries you as always and you fly straight and true, intercepting the lightning bolt before it has a chance to strike Vriska.

“NOOOOOOO!!!” Vriska shrieks as you fall to the ground.

You hammer slips from your fingers as every muscle in your body spasms. The ground rushes up to meet you for the umpteenth time, but you welcome it freely. You fall onto your side, breath in what will be your last breaths, and wait for darkness to overtake you.

The pain, which was impossibly intense following the strike of magical lightening, fades along all of your fear and anxiety. Vriska can handle the rest. You’ve done your part, you suppose.

Struggling to keep your eyes open, you watch as Vriska charges at Lord English, dragging the unwieldy blade behind her. If you can stay coherent long enough to watch her decapitate this asshole, then you’ll die with a smile on your face. That seems like a hopeful thing to wish for.

“I’ll kill you!” Vriska snarls, bringing the blade around to deal the killing blow.

It never comes though, not in the way you’re hoping for at least.

There’s an ear-splitting _clang_ as Vriska’s sword collides with Lord English’s scepter. The two magical artifacts are momentarily caught in a fierce stalemate, locked together by magic. It’s the typical immovable force against the unstoppable object, which ends the only way it ever could have.

Both of the magical weapons, the scepter and the sword, fly from their owner’s hands. The sword buries itself in the ground between Vriska and Lord English, whilst the scepter sails in a graceful arc through the air to land next to Roxy.

You stare in horror as Vriska lunges to grab the sword at the same time as Lord English. Her good hand is outstretched, her eyes are wide, and she just isn’t quick enough. Grabbing the sword, Lord English pulls it from the ground. In his hand, which isn’t keeping him supported, he holds the blade. It’s pretty much proportionate to his massive size and much easier for him to wield than you or Vriska or anyone else in your party.

“Nice try.” He smirks, as he drives the sword forward and straight through Vriska’s chest.

She screams as it punches out of her back, skewing her completely. Grinning like a total dick, Lord English flicks Vriska off the end of his new sword like she’s a stubborn green bean stuck on the end of a fork.

Huh. It’s weird what parallels your mind draws during moments of complete and utter doom.

Her limp body hits the ground and slides past your line of vision. You’d like to investigate as to whether or not she’s truly dead or not, but your head has become oddly hard to move as of late. Your gaze is frozen on Lord English, who now stands (metaphorically) over everyone, one hundred percent victorious.

“Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?” He chuckles. With trembling fingers, he conjures a glowing light in his palm and presses it to his ruined stump with a dull _hiss_. He grits his teeth in pain, but when he pulls his hand away, you see that his wound has been effectively cauterized. “It just sucks that there aren’t any more of you I can kill.”

Using the White King’s sword as a crutch, he climbs to his feet. To his left, beyond his view, you catch a flicker of movement. It takes all of your steadily diminishing strength to urge your eyes to roll and investigate. It’s Roxy. She is a bloody, crumpled heap, but her pink eyes are as sharp as ever as she stares right at you.

“You know, when I started this whole crusade to rule the universe, I really didn’t think that I’d be willing the share the glory with anyone.” Lord English blabbers, as he begins hobbling towards you. “However, you… Are you still alive, John? John? I’m talking to you?”

Roxy’s leg stretches out slowly and, with her final breath, she kicks at Lord English’s scepter, which had fallen by her side. You watch the golden staff spin dreamily towards you across the checkerboard ground.

“Anyways, John. I’m just saying that I couldn’t have done this without you.” Lord English comes to a stop a few feet away from you. Stooping, he picks up something from the ground, a rectangular red box. “ _You_ made all of this possible, by saving me and Calliope from the Condense.”

He raises the Speak N’ Spell that holds Calliope above his head and examines it in the sunlight.

“I see what you’ve done here.” He smirks and crushes the toy into a billion pieces. “Nice trick.”

You ignore him. This whole evil monologue bullshit isn’t nearly as important as the golden scepter, which is steadily continuing on it’s path towards you. As Lord English dusts off his hands on his cloak, the scepter finally reaches you. Instead of doing anything useful, like sliding perfectly into your hand or something, it thwacks you on top of the head dully.

If you weren’t about to die, that probably would have hurt.

“What the fuck?” Lord English notices the scepter, now pressing against your head. He looks back to where Roxy lies inconspicuous and dead, then back to you. “Don’t move, Egbert. Don’t even think…”

His words are lost as the scepter begins to glow and pour heat into your body through your scalp. You feel it’s energy fill your veins and restore life to the parts of your body that had previously gone numb.

“John! Stop this! Egbert, stop right now! You don’t know what you’re doing!” Lord English rushes towards you, dropping his sword in the process in an attempt to reach you. “SHIIIITT!!!”

Then, as if you’ve just blinked, everything disappears.

You’ve gone blind or you’ve gone to the void or maybe you’re just completely dead finally. You’re suddenly horribly confused. For a little bit there, you’d really thought that Roxy kicking the scepter your way had been a good thing. Like, it really seemed plausible to you and her that the scepter could be the saving grace that you really needed.

However, it hadn’t worked. You’d managed to screw that up to.

“You really know how to fuck everything up, you know that?” Lord English’s voice whispers in your ear. You want to tell him to go fuck himself or something, but words refuse to form on your dry tongue. “You think you’re smart, using the scepter like this, but you’re only prolonging the inevitable.”

You have no idea what he’s talking about.

His voice speaks a final time, before fading away into nothingness.

“See you around, John.”

You blink and suddenly light and color explodes into your vision once more.

You’re standing above Rose’s corpse. By your side is Roxy, sobbing horribly and staring down at her daughtermom’s unmoving form.

You blink again and you’re shaking hands with Jack Noir, having just convinced him to help you open the seven gates. It seems like a good idea, but a small voice in the back of your head raises some doubts. Jack Noir could easily turn on you and you _cannot_ allow that to happen. You’ll have to talk Vriska into making sure Jack Noir doesn’t get the chance to double cross you….

_“What the fuck? What the fuck is going on?”_

You’re not shaking hands with Jack Noir. You’re dying on Skaia. You’ve just been struck by lightning. Lord English is standing over you. He won.

And yet…

You blink and you’re waking up in Rose’s arms. She’s holding you to her chest and you feel her warmth and you smell her scent: it’s slick oil and fear sweat and something so bizarrely _Rose_ , incents or something.

_“Rose?”_

It hits you then, like a ton of bricks or like a bullet to the head or like… something else.

You’re going back in time.

You want to talk, but your mouth refuses to utter the words you want to say. Rose is muttering something in your ear, running gentle fingers through your hair, and it’s almost like this isn’t even happing to you. It feels like it’s happening to someone else.

The scepter, you realize. It’s doing some weird space-time magic. You have to stop it.

With every ounce of will-power, you urge your hand to move, to reach up and brush the scepter away from your crown. You can still feel it’s heat, pleasantly warming your hair and head. If you can just push it away and leap from this metaphorical time train then you can continue the fight with Lord English, right?  Or at least prevent yourself from re-living everything that’s ever happened to you in your entire life.

You hand refuses to move. You blink away again and you start to panic.

 _“GET UP!!!”_ You scream to yourself as loudly as you can, urging your body to escape the effects of the scepter. Lord English was right, you have no idea what you’re doing with this type of stuff. You completely murdered all of your friends, maybe not directly, but it still counts in your book. Vriska was stabbed, Dirk was exploded, Jane was…

The ring.

You’re still wearing it. Maybe it will work now? Maybe things aren’t as fucked as they appear? Maybe you can still win?

Or maybe not.

Hazy images swirl in your vision. You see your own hand moving through the air, trailing a black marker as it scrawls cramped words and pictures onto a wall.

 _“The ring is a lie”_ You write once, twice, three times.

_“No! No, you fucking idiot! Don’t put that! Write something else, something important! No one gives a fuck about the ring, you spineless waste of space!”_

You words fall upon death ears though, as you blink once more.

You’re punching Dave in the face as hard as you cam and wrestling him to the ground as Jade lies dead in the snow.

You blink and you’re watching Jake English blow a gaping hole in the side of Kanaya’s head with his pistol to save your life.

You blink and Jade is using her space powers to teleport you… somewhere. It’s hard to remember exactly.

Another blink and Rose hovering is over you once more, leaning in for a kiss. You’ve just come from the alternate dimension with Jane and Calliope. Fuck. This is where you screwed up everything, by bringing that cherub into your session. If only you hadn’t rescued Calliope and Caliborn from the Condense then… Then something bad wouldn’t have happened.

You can’t fully recall _what_. You just know that it was bad, like really fucking bad.

You blink and you’re suddenly surrounded by warmth, pressed in on all sides by gyrating bodies on the dance floor of a shitty club who’s name and subsequent address reminds you of a Tommy Tutone song. Roxy is dancing in front of you, laughing and grinning and just so _alive_.

If you had a choice in the matter, you would have turned away from her then, walked straight out of the club and let her live out the rest of her life along with the people of that doomed planet. It’s a selfish thought, but one you feel is justified. Roxy didn’t deserve half the shit she had to put up with because of you.

More blinks, more memories. You’re playing in a two man band with your ecto-sister on a golden ship, so lonely without your friends, but too determined not to let it get to you to say anything. Next, you’re talking with Karkat on the deck of the same ship. You don’t what you’re talking about. You can’t remember.

Vriska is dead. Your dad is dead. Rose has gone grimdark.

You enter the operating room of Equius’s lab to find Vriska in a crazed state. She throws things, screams, curses, cries in your arms as you say whatever come to mind, anything to make her feel better. Save the tears for later, Vriska, when awful things happen.

What awful things? You can’t remember.

The heat of the scepter disappears and you hear a faint roar, like that of an ancient, evil monster of lore, although you don’t know for sure. Everything is dark again and nothing makes sense anymore.

You blink and…

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means that you’re standing alone in your bedroom.

It just so happens that today, Saturday the thirteenth of April, is your eighteenth birthday and while you would typically be excited to have survived another year on this earth, you can’t help but feel quite a bit anxious about… something.

You pace the lenght your small, childhood bedroom, wondering with interest just what could put you in such a mood. It feels like your heart is going to pound a hole right through your ribcage and out of your chest and while that might be a cool sight, it would be horribly messy and gross.

You didn’t have any bad dreams the night before, at least not that you can remember. Breakfast with your dad was uneventful, save for his eager delivery of an awesome birthday card. Heck, you haven’t even stepped outside your house today, let alone done anything to turn you into a twitchy jackrabbit.

There is a strange hotness on the top of your head, which you scratch at absentmindedly until it disappears. Hmmm. Maybe you’re getting lice or something? That would suck.

Shaking yourself mentally, you chalk up your anxiety as simple excitement. Today is your entrance into the realm of manhood after all. On top of that, you’re nearing the end of your high school career. Anxiety is part of the game when you’re scrambling to raise grades and push out super late, last minute college applications.

There’s absolutely nothing to be worried about at the present though. Today is a day of celebration and you’ll be damned if some specter willies get you down.

A lazy _buzz_ in your pocket pulls you from you confusing thoughts. You pull out your cell phone and flip it open immediately. There’s only handful of people with your phone number and you can’t think of a single one you wouldn’t like to talk to right now.

Before you can even greet your friend with a cordial _‘hello’_ your ear is suddenly filled to the brim with unmitigated bullshit:

“Knee’s weak, arm’s heavy, mom’s spaghetti, ed edd and eddy, dammit John pick up the phone already.”

“Dave?” For some odd reason, you’re really happy to hear your friend’s voice, like more than usual. So much so that you’re willing to look past the shitty rap.

“The one and only.” He responds. You can practically hear is smirk. “What the hell are you doing wasting time on the phone, dude? I thought for sure that you’d be out on the town, doing all sorts of adult-like things now.”

“What kind of adult things?” You take a seat in your desk chair. “Also I’m not wasting time on the phone. You called me, asshole.”

“And you answered; hence you’re a time-wasting adult man child. You’re eighteen now, man! You can smoke and jerk off and pick the president and shit.”

“Oh yeah.” You’d almost forgotten about the perks of adulthood. “I’m going to buy so many cigarettes, porns, and votes.”

“You better. I’ve waited a long time to bask in the glory of democratic elections with you.”

“Pssh. What are you talking about? You’re like three months older than me.”

“I’d say closer to four, but regardless, any time period exceeding the immediate future is borderline an eternity when you’re living life in the fast lane.” There’s a pause. “I’m talking about me. I live life in the fast lane.”

“Whatever. Is there a reason for this call, Dave?”

“Whoa. Easy there, speed racer. You got somewhere to be?”

You look across your room where your special edition, blue-ray, director’s cut copy of ‘The Wicker Man’ sits propped up against the pillows of your bed.

“I’ve made plans, yeah.”

“Well, cancel those plans, this is more important.” Dave snaps. “Have you heard from Lalonde yet?”

“No and honestly I’m a little put-off by her insolence.” Your gothic pal on the east coast has yet to wish you a happy birthday.

Jade has already texted you three times, called you once, and emailed one of those e-card things with lots of animated hearts and some ridiculous cartoon cat-man-thing that wished you a _‘stellar year!’_ and shit, even Dave called to drop one of his signature raps on your deprived self. What’s Rose’s deal?

“And you should be.” Dave continues. “You remember that game she had us all order in the mail like a week ago? Well, she’s been trying to get me to play it her all morning and her persistence is starting to wear real thin on me. I need you to play with her.”

Hmmm. It’s an odd request, sure, but one you aren’t wholly opposed to. You enjoy playing video games just as much as any of your friends. The real question is, why Rose wouldn’t call you up to play with her herself? When you raise your concerns to Dave, he just laughs.

“Why do you think, dude? It’s because you’re a shit gamer who’s only passably good at fucking platformers published three or more years before you were born.”

You glance to your left, where your collection of video games sits in a neat stack above your SEGA CD, next to your Game Gear.

“Th- That’s not true!”

“Actually, Egbert, it’s probably the truest thing that’s been said all morning. I wouldn't worry though, that’s all about to change the second you load up whatever conksuck, tomfoolery, mmo bullshit Lalonde wants to play.” Dave’s voice becomes muffled as he speaks to someone away from the receiver, probably his Bro (the coolest dude ever to exist, besides Dave of course). “Alright, dude. I gotta jet. Bro wants to grab some grub. Call Lalonde and get her off my fucking back.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll see what I can do.” You sigh.

“Sweet. By the way, happy Birthday, Egbert.” Dave hangs up then, leaving you alone once more.

You mourn his absence. Even though you’d just talked to Dave yesterday, it feels like it’s been much, much longer since you’ve heard his sweet voice. Oh well. You shake the melancholy thoughts from your head again as you scroll through your phone and quickly find Rose’s phone number.

Nothing’s going to get you down today.

“Hello?” Rose answers on the second ring.

If you weren’t currently sitting in your desk chair, you probably would have ended up on the floor. Your knees suddenly feel like they’re made of jelly, your heart-rate jacks up again to an almost painful speed, and your breath comes out in short, ragged gasps.

“John?” Rose asks. “Are you okay?”

You swallow hard and try to regain some composure. Fuck. Was it always so hot in this room? You’ve got to open a window or something.

“Y- Yeah. I’m fine.” You manage. “Just give me a second.”

You stand up and wobble over towards the window, throwing the blinds apart and shoving the glass pane up and open. Cold air rushes in and chills the sweat on your brow, causing you to shiver and nearly drop the phone clutched tightly in your palm.

What the fuck is wrong with you today? Panic attacks and weird heat flashes… You better not be getting sick. It’s your birthday for fuck’s sake!

The gentle breeze calms you gradually and you spend a few seconds simply standing there in the window. It’s a nice, sunny day outside, with a clear blue sky and clean yellow sun. Your dad’s shitty car is parked in the driveway and your old green slime pogo ride is still posted under the oak tree in your front lawn.

Damn, why are you looking at all this stuff right now? It’s not as if you’ve lived in this house for eighteen years or anything. You shouldn’t find any of this stuff interesting, and yet… just like you were happy to hear Dave, you’re glad to see that your same old house is the same old house.

“Rose? You still there?” You lean out the window and press the phone to your ear again. “Sorry about that. I- I was doing something.”

You decide not to tell her about your panic attack. She’d probably pester you about it all day, gaming plans be dammed.

“I understand.” She answers with a hint of concern. “Are you ill? You sound a little… off.”

“I guess I have a headache.” You press the back of your hand to your forehead. Shit. You’re burning up. “Uh, listen. Dave called me and told me that you wanted to play a game or something.”

“Oh! Oh, yes. Indeed.” Her voice falls slightly, almost imperceptibly. “Have you gotten your copy of the SBURB beta yet?”

“You mean the one you made us all pre-order?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know.” You look down to the mailbox positioned on the curb. “I haven’t checked yet.”

“Okay. Well, I was hoping to get into it this morning, but seeing as how neither you, Jade, nor Dave are willing to play it seems unlikely that I will be playing any sort of games today.”

“I didn’t say I was unwilling! I’ll check right now.” You take a final, big breath of fresh air before you shut the window again. “Jade didn’t want to play? That’s odd. She’s usually pumped to play weird stuff like this.”

You neglect to mention that you are, in all actuality, Rose’s _third_ choice for a gaming partner. As much as it hurts and as much as you’d like to understand her reasoning. You let it slide. Today is supposed to be a _good_ day after all.

“SBURB is not weird. It’s a highly strategic world-building simulator described as, and I quote: _‘such a euphoric experience you’ll have to clean your sheets after you’re done’_ in such renowned publications as Game Bro Magazine.”

“Do you actually read that garbage?”

“Only for educational purposes. I’m trying to understand Dave’s fascination with the periodical, hopefully to understand what makes him so indubitably _him_.”

Of course. Rose wouldn’t put up with such a stupid and crass magazine were it not for some ulterior motive, namely getting inside of her friend’s heads just for the heck of it.

“Okay, well, I’m heading down to my mail box now.” After pausing to lace up your sneakers, you head towards your bedroom door. “Oh, by the way, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What ever do you mean?” Rose says with mock incredulity. “My agenda is a blank slate for the next few hours. I have forgotten nothing as far as I know.”

“Har har, Rose. Take all of my ‘hars’.”

She laughs lightly and you grin into the receiver.

“Happy Birthday, John.”

“Thanks, Rose.”

Stepping out into the hallway, you catch a strong whiff of fresh cake being baked in the oven downstairs, but pointedly ignore it.

Nothing is going to get you down today.

**THE END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue is going to be posted later today.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	80. Epilogue

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

You are currently sitting in your bedroom, curled up comfortably on your bed with your laptop on your knees and your phone cradled on your shoulder. John is on the other end of the line, navigating his house to reach the front door and retrieve his copy of SBURB from his mailbox.

Your copy of the game is already loaded onto your laptop and running, as you’d wasted no time in installing the program after receiving the disc the previous day. You’ve been waiting to play this game for a while, and although John isn’t your first choice as a gaming spouse, you’ll gladly take him over none at all.

Preparing to play this game, you’d weighed each of your potential partners carefully. Dave was the first one to come to mind for several reasons. His level of skill is about as close to rivaling yours as you’re going to get. Plus, he’s rarely concerned about winning or taking anything seriously, giving you free-reign to play as you please.

Jade was to be your backup. She’s fun to play with, no doubt. It’s just that her below-average attention span, shocking competitiveness, and lower skill level keeps her from being your number one. Also, she flat out refused to accept your invitation after Dave, with is bizarre.

Lastly, there’s John. The worst gamer out of your group, not that you’d ever admit that too him. The source of the problem is his lack of ambition, honestly, that and his over-emphasis on teamwork. While he and Jade represent extreme ends of the scale of competition, Dave fits into a happy medium and was therefore your first choice.

You know how that turned out though.

“So what’s this game about anyways?” John asks, as you hear him exit his house. “Dave it was some kind of conksuck mmo.”

“It’s a world-building game, like Sims, except much more in-depth.” You explain. “It’s very complicated and time-consuming. I hope you’re ready to waste a few of your precious birthday hours.”

“It won’t be a waste as long as we’re having fun, Rose!” He chirps. “Whoa! I actually have a shit load of mail. My dad and I should really check this thing some time.”

There comes a series of rustling sounds as John fumbles to juggle all of his mail. You wait with a small smirk on your lips, counting down the seconds until…

“Hey!” John exclaims once more. “There’s one from you! Rose, you didn’t send me a gift, did you? You know I don’t want any of you guys spending a lot of money on just little ol’ me.”

“It’s hardly a faberge egg, John.” You can’t help but roll your eyes. “In fact, I think you’ll be pleased to hear that I spent next to nothing on this particular gift, as it’s something of a personal art project of mine.”

On the shelf above your bed sits John’s birthday gift to you not four months ago. He’d given you a set of knitting needles and yarn, urging you to _‘put that big noggin of yours to some constructive use’_ in a rather sentimental birthday note. Your gift to him for his birthday in turn is equally heart-felt, at least in your eyes.

“The postage though…”

“Was near negligible.” You snap. “I’ll have none of your hectoring, John. You’ll accept my gift or risk the possibility of souring my feelings.”

“I wouldn’t want that!”

“No. You would not.”

There’s a pause as John adjusts the mail and his grip on the phone once more.

“I’ll open it upstairs.”

“Good. Was you copy of the game in there as well?”

“Uh…” More rustling. “Yeah. Yeah, I got it.”

“Splendid.” You nearly jump out of your skin when there is sharp knock on your bedroom door. Shooting the offending entryway a scathing glare, you speak quickly once more to John. “Install it on your computer and wait for me to return. I’ll call you back.”

Hanging up before John can bid you farewell, you dim the brightness of your laptop and slide from your bed to answer the door. You undo the chain and flip the latch before opening it the tiniest sliver of a crack to reveal a small portion of your mother’s face.

She’s all dolled-up in some cocktail dress and heavy makeup. It’s tasteful, don’t get yourself wrong, just more than you’d expect on your typical Saturday morning.

“Rose!” She folds her arms. “What are you doing up here? Our guests will arrive any minute and…” With impressive speed, your mom seizes the edge of the door and pushes it open fully. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR OUTFIT?!?”

Upon awaking earlier this morning, you’d been greeted with a hastily scribbled note and a cardboard box on the end of your bed. The note, written in gaudy pink ink, explained that your mother would be having over house guests for brunch later and that you were to dress for the occasion.

How your mother got past your defenses and entered the room while you were unawares is beyond you, although you do endeavor to find out at a later date. Your real concern at the time had been the contents of the box. Namely, an awfully plain skirt and shirt combo, stitched together with white cotton and just the right amount of nuance.

“Just a slight modification, mother. Do you like it?” You sweep an arm down your torso, displaying the violet squiddle symbol you’d embroidered to your breast.

“What on earth is it? An octopus?” You mother’s face drains blood quickly. “Melrose, that shirt was very expensive. You can’t just…”

“Express myself? It’s hardly ruined, mother. In fact, I can easily remove the patch given the proper tools and enough time.” You move the shut the door. “In the meantime, you’ll find the approximate cost of the shirt and skirt on your vanity, tucked away safely inside your jewelry boxy. Also, I seem to remember voicing distaste for my birth name.”

“Yes, of course. Sorry, Rose.” Your mother sighs with exasperation, appeasing you with mock sincerity. “Listen, darling, you don’t need to pay me for the clothes I buy you. You work hard for your pocket change. It’s yours to keep.”

She emphasizes the word ‘ _hard_ ’ in such a way that insinuates that your hard work isn’t really all that hard at all. Also, the _‘pocket change’_ that she’s referring to is exactly nine thousand two hundred and sixty-six dollars stashed inside of a hollowed-out history textbook under your bed.

Eight thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight actually, after you’ve parted with some cash to pay your mother for the new clothes.

“I appreciate it, mother, but as you’ve just stated: my money is mine to do with as I please.” You move to shut the door. “I’ve chosen to compensate you with it. I hope that’s understandable. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have other matters to attend to presently.”

Your mother’s heel prevents the door from being closed fully.

“Rose, are you not going to come down and help me entertain our guests?”

You resist the urge to let out a very uncouth groan directly into the wood of the door.

“In the off-chance that _anyone_ actually shows up to your get-together, then I’ll glad come lend you my assistance in passing out horderves or engaging in subtle verbal jousting.” You slowly ease the door close once more. “Until such a time though, I’d prefer to be left alone.”

Your mother folds her arms, but remains silent as you gently shut the door in her face. Pressing your forehead to the hard, cold wood, you wait for her to knock again and demand your presence downstairs. However, there’s nothing but a soft sigh and the _click clack_ of her heels as she descends down the furnished, wooden staircase.

There is no light in your room, but you easily return to your bed with sure footing. Long hours in the darkness in front of your monitor have bleached the blush from your skin. In short, you’re about as white as a vampire and, according to a certain insufferable prick, almost as much of a bitch.

You reclaim your laptop and phone, swiftly calling John once again. He answers on the fist ring.

“Sorry about that. My mother wanted a word.” You settle in to begin your game.

“Oh. Gotcha.” John’s voice wavers slightly, like it had when you’d first spoken to him earlier. You let it slide though as you’re not quite up to pestering him after this most recent encounter with your mother. “She’s still giving you trouble, huh?”

“Nothing that I can’t handle.”

“Still, it sucks. At least you’ll be able to move out after you graduate though! Just a few more months.”

“That is indeed the plan.” You tap the touchpad of your computer anxiously. “Have you installed the game yet?”

“Uh… yeah. It’s loading now. I’ve been spending the time admiring this fucking awesome gift you got me. Haha.” John’s laugh is just as weak as his voice. “What’s this little guy’s name?”

“It’s a she and you’re free to name her however you like.” You continue to tap a tattoo onto your laptop. “John, are you sure nothing is wrong with you this morning? You sound distressed.”

There’s a long, pregnant pause, as John sits hundreds upon hundreds of miles away from you and breathes quietly into his receiver.

“Honestly, I woke up feeling a little weird. I dunno. Maybe I’m getting sick.”

“Go have your dad look at you.”

“Maybe later.” He lies. “He’s busy doing serious stuff right now anyways, I’m sure. Besides, I’m about to play this totally sweet game with you!”

“If you finish loading it that is.”

“It’s almost done.” He changes the subject before you can nag him about his health again. “So how did you find this thing anyways?”

“The same way all great and mystical things are found, my dear friend. In the backwater, seedy underground of the internet, where only the toughest of souls dare to tread. I paid it no attention at first, as there was little information about the game. It’s only after I happened upon the article in Game Bro Magazine that my interest was piqued. As you should know.”

“Yeah. I was just wondering.” There’s another pause as John types into his computer. “Looks like it’s done. Are you ready?”

“Of course.” You scroll through the menus of SBURB and connect with John.

**LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

* * *

=> Be Dave Strider

You are now Dave Strider. Good thing too. There’s nothing like a burrito and some apple juice to wake you up in the morning.

Lounging comfortably in your shitty deskchair, you lazily spin the empty AJ bottle between your fingers as you stare at your computer screen. What’s a totally radical and cool dude, like yourself, going to do to pass away the rest of the hours left in the day.

Your Bro, after sharing breakfast, had absconded to do whatever it is cool dudes do when you aren’t looking, John and Rose are probably playing whatever shitty game she wanted you to play, and Jade… Fuck what is Jade doing?

Consulting pesterchum, you see that she is currently offline. You won’t be reaching her that way.

You roll your phone in your hand, debating whether or not to call her. Harley is notorious for leaving her cell phone in silly places and forgetting about it, the inside of a toaster oven, her bathtub, and tucked into Bec’s collar to name a few places. Even if you give her a ring-a-ding-ding she probably won’t even pick up.

Not that you’d have anything worthwhile to say to her if she did answer. She’s a busy gal. You shouldn’t bother her just because you’re bored, you smarmy piece of shit. Fuck. You do want to talk to her though. Shit ass bitch. You’re going to call her. Screw it to hell and back again. Here we go.

Before you can even scroll down to her name in your contact’s list, your phone buzzes to life in your hand, almost causing you to wiz yourself.

“Hey there, Harley. I was just thinking about you.” You answer, leaning back in your chair.

“What? Dave, it’s John.”

“Oh. Hey.” You grind your teeth. Idiot. “Ignore my previous statement.”

“Are you sure? It sounds like something worth talking about.”

“It’s not what you think, Egbert! Now, what do you want? I thought you and Rose were dicking around with some shitty mmo or something.”

“Fuck! Yeah! About that…” John then proceeds to tell you the weirdest tall-tale you’ve ever heard in your entire fucking life. He talks about inter-dimensional portals, and black-skinned imps, and alchemiters and meteors coming to wipe out the entire god-damn planet. “Now Rose and I are trying to keep playing the game, but we need more players, and I can’t find my dad even though his car’s still here and- SHIT!” There’s a loud _bang_ followed by the splintering of wood. “These imps are trying to get into my room!”

“John… are you fucking with me? Are you high? Shit, dude. I told you to stay away from that stuff. I warned you about those blazes, dog!”

“Dave! This is serious! I need you to get your copy of the game and play with me and Rose. Our lives depend on it!”

“Dude, I think you need to hang up. Go get something to eat, take a cold shower, and then sleep off whatever the fuck is going on inside of that little head of yours. Damn, you’ve only been a man for like, what? Six hours and you’re already…”

“Look out your window!”

“What?”

“LOOK OUT YOUR FUCKING WINDOW, DAVE!”

“Alright, alright. Chill.” Rising from you chair, you part the rotted blinds of your window and… “John, why the hell is the sky tripping out?”

“You see those lights? Those are meteors, Dave. Coming to kill _all_ of us.”

Fear grips your heart with it’s icy claws. Sure, it was easy to poke fun at John over the phone, but now, looking up at the blood-red sky and seeing the glowing streaks of death descending downwards, you can’t deny him any longer. Shakily holding the phone to your head, you ask the only question possible:

“What the hell do we do?”

“We need you to play the game with us! SBURB or whatever.”

“I think…” You cast a look over to your desk. It’s covered with shit, nothing resembling a video game disc though. “I think Bro has it.”

“Well get it from him! We don’t have much time!”

“What about Jade?”

“Just go! I’m calling Jade next.”

“Alright.” You grip the phone tightly in your hand. “You can count on me, John. I mean, I don’t have anything even close to resembling a clue about what the fuck is happening, but if you can stop the sky from going bat-shit crazy, then I’ll do whatever.”

“Sweet. Call me back when you’ve got the game loaded.”

John hangs up then and you spend a few precious seconds staring at the blank screen of your phone. Then you start to scream:

“Bro!” You hurtle your bed, burst through your door, and slide out into the living room of your shitty apartment. “Bro! Where the fuck are you, dude?! I need that fucking SLBURBABBER game back or else the whole world is going to blow up! Dude, I ain’t fucking around!”

You search the tiny kitchen, the tiny bathroom, and the fire escape. Hell, you even stand well-beyond the threshold of Bro’s room and peek into it’s murky depths, calling his name. There’s no answer though.

Fear, which has been strangling your insides this whole time, suddenly suplexes your heart and starts doing atomic leg-drops onto the poor, battered organ.

“Listen, Bro.” You edge towards the mantle, where one of your many samurai swords is propped badassly.  “You know I love this ninja training bullshit, but now isn’t really the time.” Taking the sword, you hold it in front of yourself and assume a defensive stance. “We can put off whatever rap/sword duel for later. I just need the game…”

Something flashes in front of your vision and you flinch, swinging your sword wildly and accidentally smashing an unsuspecting table lamp. Your Bro is flash-stepping like a total douche right now and you know it. Fuck. You really don’t need this right now.

Your sharp eyes spot a note pinned to the nearest wall with a throwing star, which was most definitely not there before. Plucking the note from it’s position, you give it a quick read:

 _“If you want the game,”_ It reads. _“Come to the roof, pussy. ALONE. And be ready to throw down._

_Love, Bro.”_

You crumple the paper in your fist and throw it to the ground. This better not take long. You aren’t a space scientist or anything, but those metoers sure did like they were coming your way and _fast_. Bro has gone too far this time, putting you and your friends at risk, and you’re going to kick his ass.

Exiting your apartment with fire in your eyes and a sweet-ass katana in your hand, you sprint down the hall and into the stairwell, taking the steps two at a time until you reach the roof. Bro is standing up there on the far ledge, silhouetted against the fucked-up sky.

His own sword is clutched in his gloved hand and the stray spikes of blonde hair not tucked beneath his cap swirl in the gentle breeze. He speaks without turning:

“Are you alone?” He demands.

“Who the fuck is there for me to bring, asshole.” You raise your sword. “Let’s get this over with. If you haven’t noticed yet, the whole earth is about to explode, and the only way I think to stop it is to play that fucking game.”

“This fucking  game?” Bro produces the game disc from nowhere and brandishes it at you. “It’s right here.” He jumps down from the ledge and rests the game disc on the very edge. “All you have to do is come and take it.”

You don’t need Admiral Ackbar to know that this is a god-damn trap. However, by the time your brain has decided not to rush forward, your legs are already committed to it. You run towards Bro, sword raised, but never even get close to striking him.

He spins and plants his shoe square on your chest, easily knocking you back onto your ass.

“Somehow, you’ve actually managed to _slow_ down.” Bro smirks as he stands above you. “Must be those new, crappy shades, Egbert gave you.”

Without thinking, you reach up and adjust the new sunglasses John gave you for your last birthday.

“They’re better than that anime shit you had me wearing before.” You climb to your feet, dusting yourself off. “Bro, this is serious. Do you see those fucking meteors?”

“I see them.” Bro’s shades flash. “You better hurry up if you want to save your friends, little man.”

Gritting your teeth, you raise your sword once more, just as Bro does the same.

**STRIFE!**

It’s on like fucking Mao Zedong.

You lunge forward, sword-first, hoping to tag your Bro with a harmless prick in the chest. He’s a slippery bitch though and slides around your strike, extending his leg between your ankles and tripping you up. You fall to your hands and knees and skid painfully across the gravel roof.

Bro chuckles and his laughter only fuels your fighting fire. Bouncing to your feet, you swing at him again and he dodges easily once more, flash stepping to your left. You stab, slash, and hack at your brother all the way across the roof, each time missing him by mere inches as he dances out of harm’s way.

It’s infuriating and the steadily-nearing clusterfuck of meteors isn’t exactly doing much to improve your concentration and form. Sloppily, you lunge towards him for a second time and receive a stunningly similar reward as before for your efforts.

The one difference though is that when you fall forward once more, Bro’s heavy boot comes down on your back, pinning you to the ground.

“Christ on a bike, little man. I though you told me that you’d been practicing.”

“Fuck- you.” You’re struggling for air and the weight on your spine isn’t doing much to help. “Get- off of me- asshole.”

“Do you give?”

“Fuuuuuuuu-“

“Do you give, pussy?”

“Yes! Fine! I fucking give you sadistic, cold piece of jizz!”

Immediately his foot disappears, only to be replaced with another weight, albeit much, _much_ less unforgiving. You lay face-down on the grimy surface of the roof for a while, bemoaning your rotten existence as Bro chuckles somewhere above.

“Have fun with your friends, dude. I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

His boots _crunch_ their way back to the stairwell and you’re left alone to sulk for the time-being. What were you expecting? You’ve never beaten Bro at his own game before. Why would now be any different?

Reaching back, you swipe the game disc off of your bruised shoulders and examine it ruefully.

This better be the real deal or else Egbert is going to hear a few choice words.

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are now Jade Harley. You’ve got to go dig those holes.

“No… No, wait. Jade I think it’s over here!” You grandpa calls to you through his cupped hands.

You unceremoniously sling the mound of dirt on the end of your shovel to the ground and shoot your grandpa a frustrated look. He’s too far away to notice though and continues to wave you over towards him.

“Okay! Coming!” Tucking the shovel under your arm, you leap and dash around the plethora of holes scattered across the grassy hillside and up to your grandfather’s side. “Where do you think it is?”

“Right here.” Grandpa groans gruffly as he descends to one knee and pinpoints a spot of grass between two flat stones. “I’d dig right in the middle. I told you I remember putting some sort of marker down, right?”

“Yup!” Excitedly, you kick the rocks out of the way and begin to dig once more as your grandpa struggles to his feet.

“Gah! I think I’m getting too old to be running around these hills with you, lassie.” He wipes sweat from his brow and turns to examine the multitude of holes. “Pretty soon you’ll have to dig one of these holes for me. Bahahaha!”

“Not funny, grandpa.” You stomp your shovel into the dirt once more. “You aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, you know that. Unless it’s some exotic adventure, of course!”

“I think my adventuring days are almost over honestly.” He sighs. “Besides, it’s time you started having some adventures of your own. You can’t be dragging an old bag of bones like me around everywhere.”

“Well you aren’t going to die today, or tomorrow, or the day after that, so stop being all mopey.” You stab your shovel down and there a dull _clunk_ as metal meets metal. “Grandpa! I think this is it!”

“Then get in there and pull it up, lassie. Daylights being wasted.”

You do as you’re told and crouch down over the hole, not caring when your bare knees _squelch_ grossly into the mud. The second after you’d awoken (and sent John his birthday gifts of course) your grandpa had surprised you with a super special secret mission! Namely, digging holes in the hills outside your house for some mysterious treasure he apparently buried years and years prior.

It had been exciting at first, but after a few hours, it had begun to lose it’s luster. Now though, with your fingers wrapping around the steel handle of a heavy tube, you feel the same burning curiosity once more!

A few powerful tugs later and the time capsule pops out of the earth like cork from a champagne bottle. It’s covered in dirt, clay, and wriggling worms, but regardless you waste no time  in sweeping the muck away to reveal the shiny exterior of the capsule and a small keypad fitted into the side.

“Scoot over there, lassie, and let me have a look.” Grandpa examines the keypad, scratches his head, and then hesitantly punches in a short code. The mechanical lock _beeps_ once and then opens. “By Jove! I’d worried I’d forgotten the code there for a second. Well, go on then. Open it up.”

The lid of the capsule swings open easily to reveal a veritable treasure trove of absolute junk. There are crumpled maps, a few gold coins, a ruby the size of a tangelo, and a wooden box that turns out to be an antique grandfather clock when you turn it over.

It’s nothing too exciting, which is fine, you suppose. As Grandpa merrily collects his secret stash of goodies, you relish in the opportunity to brighten his day, as well as exert a little energy. Even if it’s just for the hell of it.

“Glorious work as always, Jade.” Grandpa shoots you a quick grin, complete with twinkling emerald eyes and small salute. “The rest of the day is yours to do with as you…”

He trails off suddenly and looks skyward. You watch his smile drift slowly to a frown as he brow creases.

“Grandpa? What is it?” Following his gaze, you see that the sky has suddenly turned blood-red and that streaks of light are now appearing over the horizon. “What’s that?”

“I… I don’t know for sure exactly.” He tucks his collection under his arm. “Get inside the house Jade and wait with Bec.”

“What are you going to do?” Your question falls upon deaf ears though, as your grandfather is already hobbling away down the hill and into the woods. “Grandpa! Wait!”

He doesn’t turn though, which causes your own mood to dip sourly. It’s just like him to run off on some awesome adventure when things get a little strange like this. As troubling as the sudden shift in sky-color is, you think you’re old enough to go with him wherever he goes or at least understand his bizarre behavior.

Angrily, you turn and kick at the empty time capsule, regretting it instantly when pain explodes in your toes. Through your curses, however, you hear a dull _clink_ as something shifts around the inside of the capsule. Stooping to investigate, you find that a compact disc has been left behind.

Upon closer examination, you find that the disc is labeled…

**SBURB?**

 You look down the hill towards where your grandpa disappeared and then down towards your house on the other side of the hill.

It wouldn’t hurt, would it? If you took a little peek at the contents of this mysterious game disc? How the video game that Rose wanted you to play ended up in this time capsule is beyond you, but you’re typically not one to question the miracles of the universe.

Clutching the game disc to your chest, you sprint away from the time capsule and down towards your house, not stopping until you’ve dashed through the entryway, leapt over a snoozing Bec at the bottom of the stairs, and slammed the door to your bedroom closed.

When Rose had messaged you over a week ago and brought this game to your attention, of course you’d agreed to order a copy. Why wouldn’t you, when your friend asked so nicely? Rose seemed very excited for it too!

However, it was with great turmoil that you realized your house, positioned on a small island in the Pacific Ocean, did not have a mail service which could deliver video games. Not wanting to disappoint Rose, you’d lied about receiving the game and made up excuses until now for reasons not to play with her, therefore disappointing her anyways.

Oh well, that’s all behind you now that you have a real copy of the game!

Booting up your computer, you prepare to insert the game into the disc drive. Rose is going to be so fucking happy when you tell her…

A harsh _buzzing_ nose interrupts your thoughts. You cast about your room for the source and eventually find your cell phone tucked away safely in the corner of the room between your bed and the wall.

“Hey, John!” You answer happily.

Ten minutes later, you’re leaning out of your bedroom window, taking potshots with your rifle at the black-skinned imps rushing up the front lawn. A swirling green portal has opened above your house, spitting more imps out like a broken gum ball machine, faster than you can snipe them.

The game is running on your computer by your side, displaying Dave’s shitty apartment, where his own portal and imps are giving him a hard fucking time.

“Rose says we have to go through our portals to escape the metoers.” John talks quickly in your ear. “She’s building my house up to reach mine right now. Do you know where yours is? Maybe I can build you a way up to it too?”

“Mine’s not too high, I’ll probably just need a ladder or something.” You blast an imp out a tree, as he tries to leap from one of the higher branches through your window. “But I’m not leaving without my grandpa. He’s still out there somewhere, John!”

“I’m… using this viewfinder thing to look all over the island. I don’t see him though.”

“Dammit! Where could he have gone?” Suddenly, there’s a scratching noise at your door. Hurriedly, you dash from your window and throw open the door to reveal Bec. “What are you doing here, boy? I sent you to find grandpa!”

Bec whimpers and opens his mouth to drop a soggy ball of cloth at your feet. You snatch it up and find that its… your grandpa’s safari hat! He never goes anywhere without it! Through the dog spit, you see a black stain on the brim: oil. This could only mean one thing…

“I think the imps have kidnapped my grandpa!” You scream into the phone and hear John groan as you threaten to rupture his ear drums. “John, I need to go through that portal now!”

“Well, you can’t yet. Dave still hasn’t made his cruxite dowel with the totem lathe or whatever.”

“Then get him to do it!”

“I can’t. I’m helping you.”

“What’s Rose doing?”

“Still building up my house. We have a lot of grist from the imps we keep killing. I wish there was a way to send you some.”

You look out your window once more to see that your lawn is littered with colorful pieces of grist from all the imps you’ve been killing. Grist isn’t a problem. Everything is just so confusing and happening to fast and weird. You have to find your grandpa and defend the house and help John. There’s just too much on your plate to handle! For _anyone_ to handle!

“Hold on.” John fumbles with his phone. “Rose is setting up a group call…. Here.”

Two other frequencies of chaos suddenly fill your ears as Rose and Dave join the call. From the sound of it, it seems if everyone is experiencing imp trouble.

You have a lot of questions. Like who are these little monsters? Where did they come from? And why are they so hell-bent on capturing you and your friends?!

“Alright, I’ve given myself some breathing room for the time being.” Rose explains. “I’ve locked myself in the observatory, which is safe from the imps, albeit the impending meteor shower still poses a big problem.”

“Fuck meteor showers, dude.” Dave grunts as he struggles with something. You look to your computer, to his apartment, to see that he’s dueling several imps at once. “These guys are getting oil all over my shit!”

“Here, Dave. Let me help.” Grabbing your mouse, you spawn in an Alchemiter and crush the imps beneath it. “There! How about them apples?”

“What the fuck is this shit?”

“It’s called an… Alchemiter.” You read the description of the item in the game menus. “You can use it to make stuff or combine items together.”

“Yes. I advise that we all utilize the alchemiters to defend ourselves.” Rose continues. “John and I have already played around with the crafting utilities to some degree, fashioning weapons and communication devices.”

“I wish you could see this hammer, Jade. It’s so fucking sweet.” John adds.  “Here. I’ll put in an Alchemiter for you!” With a small _pop_ , a large machine suddenly crushes your bed into splinters. “Oops.”

You’ll mourn the loss of your furniture at a later date, as well as get to making some sweet new loot. For the time being though, there are other matters to attend to. Namely, getting everything organized.

“The way things stand now,” Rose outlines the plan. “I am John’s server player, he is Jade’s, Jade is Dave’s, and Dave’s is of course mine. The goal for each server player is to get their client the portal all the while supplying them with useful equipment and game constructs. Does everyone have a cruxite dowel?”

“I don’t.” Dave answers sullenly.

“Well, here.” Scrolling through the menus once more, you locate the proper construct and deposit it in Dave’s apartment. “You can’t say that anymore! Haha.”

“What do I do with this now?”

“You have to create an artifact that can be used to stabilize your portal and allow passage through it.” Rose explains sharply. “For fuck’s sake. Did anyone read that tutorial I drafted and emailed to all you?”

You gaze sadly at the email in question. It’s roughly the approximate size and length of your average calculus textbook and probably just as boring.

“I… skimmed it?”John answers hopefully, to which Rose responds with a groan. John continues, taking the lead. “Alright, listen. How about this. Everyone knows who their server player is, right? Let’s just work together, create our artifacts or whatever so that we can escape the meteors, enter the game and find our kidnapped family members. Then everything will come up millhouse. Is everyone okay with that?”

“It appears to be our only course of option, yes.” Rose agrees. “Very well then. Let us begin.”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are now John Egbert. Which means that you are in a world pure imagination, yellow salamanders, angry trolls, and magical lands the like of which you could never have imagined existing before now.

Thinks had really taken off after you, Rose, Dave, and Jade made your artifacts from your cruxite dowels and entered the game. As it turns out, all of your houses along with all of your crap came with you, which is nice.

Your house, now well over five hundred feet tall or something like that, towers over the Land of Wind and Shade and guides your travels across the blue and black landscape. Now if only you could find your dad…

Or Rose’s mom, or Dave’s bro, or Jade’s grandpa for that matter. All of your guardians have gone missing and, according to your new troll friends, are not going to be found anytime soon. Oh yeah, you’re friends with a bunch of aliens now. You’d almost forgotten about that.

Karkat seems pretty cool, although a little grumpy too. You look forward to getting to know him more over the course of your journey. Who knows? You might actually turn out to be really good friends with him one day.

Terezi, on the other hand, is the only other troll you’ve met thus far and to put it simply: you aren’t that impressed with her character as of yet. Through some time-travel, alternate universe shenanigans she supposedly had you killed? You don’t really understand. It’s hard to explain what happened without going into this long spiel about denizens, end game mechanics, and death.

In the end though, you suppose the journey doesn’t really matter, when the end result is the same. At least in this situation. You’ll reserve judgment as to whether or not you want to be friends with Terezi until later, when you’ve gotten to know a little more about her.

And, well, you suppose that brings you to now. You’re walking rather briskly through LOWAS towards the border of LOLAR, Rose’s very own land where she agreed to meet up with you. As you crest a final hill and see her standing there, beyond the border of sandy beaches and colorful water, you notice a distinct boost in your morale.

As nice as it is to see a friendly face after all the garbage you’ve put up with today, this is also a landmark moment for the pair of you. As is this is the first time you’ve actually ever seen Rose in person. Sure, video chats and the occasional low-quality photo is nice and all, but there’s nothing quite like the real thing.

“Wow.” Is the first thing that comes to mind, as well as from your mouth. “You are… really short. Haha.”

Her mouth quirks in a small smile.

“Yes, well we all can’t be graced with the genes essential for keen vertical growth. Or perhaps have you considered the idea that _you_ might be abnormally and unnecessarily tall?”

 “What? No. I’m average.” The pair of you begin walking further into LOLAR, towards Rose’s house. “I didn’t mean anything by that, by the way. It’s cool that you’re tiny. I like you all the same.”

“That’s certainly good to hear.” She smiles slightly once more. “Tell me, how are Dave and Jade adjusting to their lands?”

“Last time I talked to Dave he somehow managed to bring up how _‘cool’_ his new digs were every three seconds. So I guess he’s cool with it. Jade likes her’s too, I suppose.” You rub the back of your neck. “Karkat said that to beat the game we need to breed these frogs, right? But the frogs only live in Jade’s land, so she’s running around right now trying to catch them and I don’t think she’s s too happy about that.”

“No, I doubt think that she would be, although if anyone was up to the task of running through snow drifts in search of slippery amphibians, it would probably be her. Once she gets down the science of it all, I’m sure she’ll be less opposed to the task.” Rose leads you around a colorful lake. Out over it’s surface, fluffy yellow clouds pour sheets of colorful rain down into its depths. You decide that you like LOLAR. “I assume that Karkat is one of these oh so fascinating trolls we’ve had the pleasure of meeting.”

“You don’t sound like you like them very much.”

“I’m still doubtful of their claims, yes, but don’t take my skepticism for animosity. The interactions I’ve had with Kanaya have been pleasant so far, you could even say _enlightening_.”

“Well it’s good to hear that you’re making friends. We’ll need as many as we can get if we’re going to find our parents and beat this thing.”

“Which brings us to our next order of business, actually _beating_ this thing.” Rose’s face darkens. “Kanaya has repeatedly mentioned a villain by the name of Jack Noir to be our prime antagonist. Apparently he’s incredibly powerful and determined to prevent us from winning. He will have to be dealt with at one point or another.”

“Yeah. I’m sure we’ll…” A strange _rumbling_ sound drowns out your words and both you and Rose look skyward to see a bizarre sight amongst the golden clouds.

From the heavens, descends one of the strangest people you ever did see, riding some incredibly dangerous-looking machine, reminiscent of a rocket plus car. Or a rocket-car, if you will. This new stranger has long, dark hair, which billows wildly in the wind. She wears a black t-shirt, dark jeans, a pair of wire-rimmed glasses, and has two wickedly sharp horns perched atop her crown.

“Sup, bitches.” Says the alien, who is undoubtedly a troll, as she lands her vehicle right in front of you. “Don’t you know that walking is for suckers?”

Rose, who has standing by your side for the past few seconds, just as dumbfounded as you, suddenly draws her wands and sets her sights on the new comer.

“Identify yourself.” She orders. “Or else I’ll…”

“Or else you’ll what?” The troll sneers. “Put those knitting needles down, missy, before you poke an eye out. I’m not here to hurt either of you chumps, quite the opposite.” She grins then, flashing pointed teeth. “I’m here to turn you into an ultimate _hero_.”

“Pass.” Rose, still clutching her wands, moves to edge around the troll. “Come on, John. My house isn’t much further from here.”

“Wait. Hold on.” You argue. “What if she’s really here to help? Uh, what’s your name?”

“ _Vriska_.” The troll states her name like it’s some kind of big deal, like she’s famous or something. “Vriska Serket and you, John Egbert, have just come across a major stroke of luck.”

“Really? What do you mean?”

“John.” Rose suddenly returns to your side to lean in close and whisper in your ear. “This is not a situation we should be in. Kanaya warned me about a troll named Vriska. Whatever she is going to say is not in accordance with our current plans. We should continue forward.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so paranoid all the sudden.” You respond, equally hushed. “You just agreed with me that it was important to make friends. What if Vriska is actually really cool?”

“What if she isn’t though? Everything about this situation feels wrong.”

“Uh. Hello???” Vriska demands your attention once more. “Are you two going to exclude me from whatever intense and important discussion you’re having? That’s very rude, you know?”

“Sorry.” You apologize for both you and Rose. “What were you saying, Vriska? About heroes and luck and stuff?”

“Well, I was just saying that today is you’re lucky day.” The troll girl smiles again. “I’ve decide to make you a special project of mine.”

“Like Terezi is doing with Dave?”

An angry grimace flashes over Vriska’s face, but it’s gone as quickly as it appeared.

“Sort of, except much cooler and with a much better likelihood of success.” Suddenly, Vriska leans forward on her rocket-car and smiles wider than ever. From this close, you can now see that her left eye has a total of seven pupils. “John, how would you like to beat the game, right here and now?”

“Right now?”

“Yup.”

You look to Rose and she makes no effort to hide a forceful shake of her head.

As much as you would like to agree with Rose and play things safe, going with your friend to her house and simply talking about plans doesn’t really seem like the right thing to do at the moment. Right now, your dad is out there, alone and afraid and probably in danger. If this Vriska person thinks she can lead you to a swift and decisive victory that will lead to _everyone_ you care about coming out alright in the end, then you’d feel like an idiot not to accept her proposition.

“John…” Rose warns.

“Look, Rose.” You give her a small, sheepish grin. “What if Vriska here does have a plan to beat this?”

“I do.” Vriska adds.

“Yeah, well, what if she doesn’t? You could wind up dead.” Rose responds.

“I think it’s worth the risk though. This could save _everyone_.” You grab your old friend by the shoulders. “You’ll all about taking risks, right? I promise that I’ll be super careful.”

“Well what am I supposed to do while you go off gallivanting across the four lands?”

“You can plan that out with your troll friend, Kanaya.” You offer.

“John.” Rose sighs heavily. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Well, you shouldn’t. Everything will turn out okay, I promise.” You give Rose a swift hug, to which she is apparently too shocked by to reciprocate. When you pull away, she simply stands there for a moment, looking at you blankly. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

Rose opens her mouth to argue, but apparently thinks better of it. She closes her mouth.

“Be careful, John. That’s an order.” She says, then, with a final glance at Vriska, she turns and walks away over the sandy dunes.

“Alright, John!” Vriska slaps a hand down on the seat behind her on the rocket-car. “Climb aboard!”

“So, where are we heading?” You ask, clumsily taking your precarious seat.

“Right to the root of the problem.” Turning slightly, Vriska sets her gaze upon you once more. “You and I are going to kill Jack Noir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the final author's note.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \- Mike


	81. Author's Note

**Well, if you’re reading this, then you’ve just finished “John: Try to Understand”. Congrats. Somehow you’ve managed to wade through all the shit. In all seriousness though, if you’ve made it this far, then I personally consider you one of my good friends.**

**You’ve read all sorts of stuff: things that I think are funny, things that I think are sad, things that I want, things that I’ve lost, things that I’m afraid of, stuff that I would never admit to anyone away from my silly keyboard. All of it sprinkled throughout 400,000+ words of utter nonsense.**

**And I think that answers a major question about this story, one that I’ve been asked a few times and one that I’ve wondered quite a lot about myself: Why?**

**Why does this story exist? What’s it’s purpose? Who would ever say: _“I want to read Homestuck again, but I want the characters to be less interesting, I want to plot to be pointlessly convoluted, I want the mechanics to be inconsistent, and I just want everything to be all around more shitter than the comic?”_**

**No one.**

**But then that’s what sort of happened, isn’t it? That’s where we are now 400,000+ words later. Which, yeah, I keep throwing that number around like it’s a big deal and it isn’t, but damn, it’s the longest story I’ve ever written and it will definitely be the longest story I ever write.**

**Because I am never going to write a story this big again.**

**I think it goes without saying, but I really bit off more than I could chew when I decided to write Homestuck FanFiction. What started as this stupid one-shot about me making John and Vriska rattle each other’s bones, turned into _this_ , an altogether pointless project that I spent waaaay too much time on.**

**However, I’m not done yet. There’s still a little I want to do with “John: Try to Understand”. So before I go any further, if you liked this story for what it was, thank you very much. You’re a really cool, low-maintenance person who I would love to chill with sometime.**

**You can stop reading now.**

**Everyone else, let’s plow on ahead, get into the meat of this final Author’s Note, and just talk about my last thoughts on John: Try to Understand.**

**THINGS I LIKE:**

**The Format – Out of all my stories, this one was probably the closest I’ve come to automating the whole process. Every night, I wrote over 2,000 words, and every chapter, needed to be at least 4,000 words long. So that’s one chapter done every two days. Then I uploaded and posted a chapter every three days. Once I fell into the rhythm, I never missed an update and I ended up being ahead, by like, ten chapters at one point. It was awesome.**

**Jade Harley – Not to brag and say that I wrote her all that well, it’s just that she was fun to write. She’s a cool character, she’s funny, she’s smart, and whenever I knew that I had to pump out a Jade chapter the words just flowed out of me like, I dunno, something that flows really well with a low viscosity.**

**THINGS I DON’T LIKE:**

**It’s a long damn list, but here’s some of the major things…**

**John Egbert - Which may be surprising. John in the comic is fun, interesting, courageous, self-confident, open-hearted, optimistic, and a bunch of other stuff that is nice and cool. My John is none of those things, he’s whiny, borderline incompetent, and just oblivious and stupid. I suppose that comes a lot from myself and my tendency to project myself onto my protagonists.**

**Group Therapy - One of my shortcomings as a writer is my inability to handle large groups of characters, I can own up to that. Now, as you all know, Homestuck has a fuck load of characters, all of which are interesting and cool in their own right. I’m physically incapable of doing all of them justice, so to work around that, I’m forced to split people up, kill off characters, and or just shove a few off to the side and forget about them. Which sucks**

**Rosemary - I ship JohnRose, that’s common knowledge. That being said, I see that Rosemary is a great ship and on more than one occasion, I’ve gotten serious feels from their relationship, inside and outside of canon. But instead of reveling in their relationship and just appreciating how great it is, I stirred up shitty drama and broke them up. I felt skeevy and I had, like, four different people beta that particular chapter before I posted it. I don’t regret having Rosemary in the story and I don’t regret pushing JohnRose either. I just wish I’d handled it better.**

**There’s a bunch of other stuff too, dangling plotlines, Calliope, bullshit reasoning, and what not, but I won’t get into that. It would bore everyone, me included.**

**Anyways, I want to thank you guys, the readers and the reviewers again. You’re awesome and all of that jazz. You motivated me to finish this story, so I guess this is all your fault really. If you leave a review on the final chapters, I would love to hear not just your thoughts on the ending, but what you think of this story as a whole. What did you like? What did you hate? What could I have done better? You know, just whatever.**

**Here comes the part of the Author’s Note where I pretend I’m accepting some kind of award:**

**I want to personally thank Jeedies, a cool lady who draws really well and even went out of her way to draw this super amazing piece of artwork that is now a part of this story, but can also be found[here](http://mlp-mike.tumblr.com/post/94410897510/this-has-to-be-the-greatest-thing-that-ive-ever).  I recommend check out her tumblr “[jeedies](http://jeedies.tumblr.com/)” since she posts cool stuff and is an all-around fantastic person.**

**Also, there’s[ObsessiveFanFictioner15](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4704272/ObsessiveFanFictioner15) and [A Dreaming Songbird](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5718994/A-Dreaming-Songbird), two other great gals who I had the genuine pleasure of getting to know through the process of writing this story. They beta-d a few chapters, heard me rattle on about nonsense, and just put up with me. So yeah, I appreciate it. Check out their work if you get the chance.**

**So, coming to the end here, I suppose the next order of business is just what exactly I’m going to do next. After I finish writing “The Greatest Witch Ever” (which is another shitty FanFiction I’m currently slugging through) I don’t really have anything else planned.**

**I might even just be done with FanFiction.**

**I mean, I dunno if any you would be interested in me continuing _this_ story, as in, what might happen after the game is over. Would yall like to see some Post-SBURB stuff? Like with John escaping the time-loop, saving his friends, and then actually beating the game. I dunno.**

**If I see any fun prompts on tumblr I’ll probably jump on those. You can even send me prompts if you want. PM me or leave a review or leave an ask on my own tumblr “[mlp-mike](http://mlp-mike.tumblr.com/)”.  I don’t get that many messages, chances are really fucking good that I’ll write it. I’ll might even make a compilation of them all and post it as a collection if I end up getting enough.**

**I’ll take most prompts too. The one thing I probably won’t write is like full-penetrative steamy sex scenes, simply because something about a nineteen year old dude sitting by himself in the corner of the library writing smut seems off to me. Not that I have a problem with people who do that, it's just not my jam. Whatever though.**

**Finally, I’ll leave you with this. At any point during the course of this story, if you’ve read something of mine and thought to yourself: _‘I could do better’_.**

**Do it.**

**Seriously, write a story, post it online, connect with the fanbase. You have waaay better ideas than me, and waaay more potential. I met so many cool people while writing this and it was so awesome to work and interact with them, and I hope to do more of that in the future. The Homestuck fandom needs _you_ so that it can stay healthy, so that it can stay rich and alive and ever-expanding. I'd love to read your work and hear what you have to say. Until next time… **

**Thanks for reading.**

**\- Mike**


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